MANDY NOLAN’S ENTERTAINMENT SOAPBOX W W W. E C H O. N E T. A U /S OA P - B OX
WORKING IT OUT
I’ve committed. Again. I’m going back to the gym. The place I swore I’d never step foot in. I’ve thought about it for about three years now so I guess it’s time. The personal trainers look so much younger this time around. Probably because they are. I swear the guy who did my consultation still had embryonic fluid on his shoulder. He was nearly full-term. And they’ve all got beards. Even the girls. It must be a thing. Note to self: Grow a beard. It must help with fitness. Fortunately for me it’s not hard. I’m 49. I could grow one in a week. I’m talking to this young bloke about wanting to get fit before menopause hits. I don’t even know why I’m telling him that. He’s probably only just grown leg hair, he’s not ready to hear dystopian tales of frozen metabolisms and shrivelled vaginas. (I must stop googling menopause, it’s terrifying me. It’s worse than climate change. Sure, the icebergs are melting, but exactly how does a vagina shrivel? Is it like some sort of deflated balloon you find after the party’s over? When I read through the symptoms, that was the one I couldn’t get over.) I feel like I should be reading my personal trainer some Roald Dahl. Bounce him on my knee. That might actually be good for my core. He tells me his mum’s menopausal. Then I protest ‘I’m not menopausal’. I’m not even peri. I’m like one of those women from the Bible who kept having kids until they were 60 until some prick turned them into a pillar of salt. (I wonder if that’s saltier than Himalayan?)
Poor lad just wants to know my ‘goals’. I hate goals. Or at least telling people my goals. Because I don’t really have any. Well, at least any I’m prepared to share. Like those I had at school. ‘Well I am going to be prime minister. And cure cancer. And marry Steve Austin (the bionic man). And live in a castle.’ I can’t see how my $12.95 per week membership is going to help me with something my vision board couldn’t deliver. So I resort to humour. I tell him I was planning on getting fatter.
He just looks at me blankly. Clearly I’m not getting funnier. At least to young people. Now I have to make up a goal. If I’m honest I guess like most women my age my secret goal is to look like Elle McPherson. Except not the old Elle. The young one. So I tell him. He doesn’t know who Elle McPherson is. I say she’s a hot woman with menopause. I bet Elle’s vagina hasn’t shrivelled. I’m 50 next year. It’s weird, age has never meant anything to me, mainly because I’m so immature, but 50 feels like midnight. Like I am at the ball and the clock is about to strike 12. I have this feeling that if I don’t get my act together by 50 then I am going to turn into a pumpkin. With a shrivelled vagina. Maybe that’s what Cinderella is all about. It’s a mythic tale about menopause and the devastating effects of ‘the change’. Don’t lose your glass slipper girls! The personal trainer has written some of this down. I’ve been talking for so long I think he’s blacked out. Okay, so I am actually at the gym signing up. I’ve given my bank account details. I’ve told gym where I live. That’s part one. Now I have to actually go. More than once. How good would it be to just have to do one big workout for the year? ‘Okay then, that’s me done. Back to the buffet.’ It’s embarrassing because everyone knows me. I sneak in the next morning for a quiet workout and everyone says Hello, Mandy! Good to see you exercising! (Is this encouraging or patronising? I can’t work it out.) You’ll enjoy it! Like the whole exercise thing has just occurred to me. It may come as a shock, but I have exercised before. This is my 40th gym membership. I seem to commit to a gym in the same way I’ve always committed to men. I’ve signed up with enthusiasm and high hopes but after a few sessions it just wasn’t delivering the results I was after so I lost interest going. As I write this I’ve been once. But I’m determined to go back. But you won’t recognise me. I don’t look like Mandy Nolan any more. I look like Elle McPherson.
North Coast news daily: www.echonetdaily.net.au
FISHING FOR MONKEYS
RAISED BY EAGLES
Monkey & the Fish return to The Rails on Sunday presenting songs from their recently released second studio album A Place Of Hope plus other originals and interpretations of classic tunes. Lush vocal harmonies, excellent musicianship and magic songcraft feature through an eclectic repertoire with folk, roots, rock and reggae influences. Singer/ songwriting duo Chris Fisher and Marcelle Townsend-Cross create a special presence and signature sound that’s developed over the 20 years they have performed together. The lineup also includes the seasoned rhythm section of George Urbaszek on bass and Johnny Shaw on drums. The addition of Glenn Kellett on trumpet, percussion, keys, and backing vocals make for dynamic and diverse arrangements.
With their new album Must be Somewhere receiving unanimous widespread acclaim, and the completion of a run of shows supporting Mick Thomas and The Roving Commission, the time has finally come for Raised By Eagles to announce their own long-awaited run of headline dates, which takes in the Mullumbimby Ex-Services.
Two songs from the new album, Change is Good and Hand In Hand, were directly inspired through the Bentley Blockade and community opposition to CSG. Other tracks include collaborations with the late poet Iris Fisher. Monkey & the Fish deliver an uplifting and high-energy performance that connects with audiences. A perfect balance between artistry and entertainment. From 7pm.
Raised By Eagles’ entrance onto Melbourne’s musical landscape in July 2013 immediately garnered the attention of Americana music aficionados across the country, their debut release scoring the band a nomination at the Age Music Victoria Awards that year for Best Country Album. Since then, continually raw and captivating performances have cemented Raised By Eagles’ reputation as one of Melbourne’s most sought-after independent acts. They released their widely acclaimed followup LP Diamonds In the Bloodstream in May 2015, which bagged a slew of award nominations and went on to win Best Country Album and Best Emerging Artist at The Age Music Victoria
Awards. It also scored them an invitation from the prestigious Americana Music Festival in Nashville where they delivered a stellar run of international shows before returning home to begin 2016. After a big year on the Australian festival circuit, which included Port Fairy Folk Festival, Bigsound, Bello Winter Music Festival and Dashville Skyline, the band took a break to start writing and recording their third album I Must be Somewhere, which has already scored four stars in Rolling Stone Australia and is now available through ABC Music and at all good record stores. Raised By Eagles is a band of integrity and a generosity of spirit. A band who remains unaffected by the smoke and mirrors of music in the postmodern era, and encapsulates the art of storytelling at its heartfelt finest… They play Club Mullum at the Mullumbimby Ex-Services on Saturday 26 August at 7pm. Tickets $20 online at clubmullum.com or $25 at the door. Support is Ben Wilson.
40th Anniversary of
Saturday Night Fever
On Sale Now
www.abgshow.com WINNER BEST TRIBUTE SHOW IN LAS VEGAS
7PM
Wednesday 23 August Park Lane Theatre, Lennox Head 02 6687 6291 | www.communityspaces.com.au
CATCH THE FEVER!
The Byron Shire Echo August 9, 2017 39