the waitress print layout by danny holland

The Waitress layout for print

THE

WAITRESS JACK ZIPES

he never knew how it had happened, but there was once a chair stuck on the back of a waitress. She jiggled, she jumped, she bucked and she kicked her heels like a wild horse in a rodeo show. But carpenters, detectives, midwives, and plumbers in all of Paris, but nobody could help her. The chair stuck on her back, and everyone was afraid of tearing it off her back because she might die. After all, Marie was a small young woman, somewhat on the skinny side. You might even call her frail or fragile. Perhaps that was because she was always running from table to table in the restaurant where she worked. Perhaps it was because she never had time to eat a good meal. Marie never thought about it. She just worked as hard as she could.

At first Marie thought she looked like a humpback, and she was ashamed of her chair, but the chair was light as a feather, and she could barely feel it. “Maybe something good will come of this,” Marie said to herself. “Maybe if you dressed me up, you might learn a thing or two,” the chair said to her. “You can talk!” Marie said with astonishment. “You can walk,” the chair said. “Of course I can,” the waitress said. “Anyone can.” “Hey, that’s not true. Not anyone can. There are a lot of old people who can’t walk. What about babies? What about people who have accidents?

What about people who are born differently?” “All right, all right,” Marie said. “I get your point.” “Well, if you get my point,” the chair said. “Get me dressed and do something about it.” “What would you like to wear?” “Something with frills, and I like colors like aqua blue, jasmine green, fire red, and chartreuse.” “Are you a girl?” “Does it matter?” Marie said it didn’t, and off she went with the chair on her back to the nearest department store. People didn’t seem to mind that she had a chair on her back, and Marie found that strange.

“Can they see you?” she asked the chair. “People see only what they want to see,” the chair replied. Once they found the interior decoration department, Marie thought she could feel the chair smile. “What now?” she asked. “Well, let’s choose some material,” the chair said, and choose they did. There were all types of linen, silk, and cloth, and the chair nudged her to pick out pink, yellow, and blue flower patterns and then an intricate diamond shaped red, black, and green roll of wool, and finally she had to pick out soft feather pillows in different colors. The bill came to $500, and Marie told

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the chair there was no way she could pay for all the materials. “Look into your purse,” the chair demanded. Marie stuck her hand inside and pulled out ten one hundred dollar bills. “Oh!” she almost fainted. “Stop that,” the chair said, “and pay.” “But what if somebody lost this money? What if it was stolen?” “I told you, good things happen in strange ways,” the chair said. Marie hesitated still, but finally she paid and rushed home as fast as she could. As she entered her one-room apartment, she almost stumbled over a sewing machine. “What’s this?” she exclaimed. “How do you think you’re going to make my outfits if you don’t have a sewing machine?” “But I can’t sew.”

“You can now. Try it.” At first Marie was afraid of hurting herself with the needle, but the instructions were easy to read, and once the machine began humming, it was asif she were playing a violin sonata. She was carried away in rhapsody, and when she had finished, she had produced seven marvelously colored chair covers. “Hey, let’s do a fashion show!” the chair proposed, and Marie could feel the arms of the chair picking up one of the outfits and slipping it on. When the chair gave a sign that it was ready, Marie strolled over to the bathroom and turned around and around so she could see the chair in the mirror. “Oh, you look beautiful!” Marie said. “Thanks, but it was all you, and now we’ve got to get to work.” “To do what?”

“Well, you don’t think I’m going to let my looks and your talents go to waste. We’re going to start a restaurant service for people who have trouble walking.” “What do you mean?” “Well, you know all those people who sit at home and can’t get out because they’re sick or disabled or old. We’re going to pick them up, and you’ll carry them in me to the restaurant. Then they can be with other people for a while and have a meal on the house. We’ll call ourselves the Walking Wizards!” “But I can’t carry anyone on my back,” Marie responded. “You’re carrying me.” “That’s different. You’re light. Or, at least I can’t feel you.” “Trust me,” the chair said firmly, Well, Marie had no other choice, and she carried the chair to Marcel, the owner of the restaurant where she worked. “Marcel,” the chair said, “We’re going to expand your business.” “Hey, you’re pretty cute,” Marcel replied, for the chair was dressed in flaming red and yellow.

“Now’s not the time for flirting,” the chair answered. “Here’s what we propose.” No sooner did the three finish their conversation than Marie set out and arrived at the apartment of an old woman named Natalie. She was eighty-five years old, tiny like a mouse, and she rarely left her apartment because she had difficulty walking without a cane. Marie knocked. The door opened. “Madame Natalie,” Marie said. “We’ve come to invite you to lunch.” No sooner said than Marie stooped down. The old woman sat down in the chair and in a flash they were at Marcel’s. “Madame, it’s a pleasure. We shall be expecting you for lunch every day.” The next stop for Marie and the chair was Fat Pierre’s home.

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he he never never knew knew how how itit had happened, had happened, but but there there was was once once aa chair chair stuck stuck on on the the back back of of aa waitress. waitress. She She jiggled, jiggled, she she jumped, jumped, she she bucked bucked and and she she kicked kicked her her heels heels like a wild horse like a wild horse in in aa rodeo rodeo show. show. But But carpenters, carpenters, detectives, detectives, midwives, midwives, and and plumbers plumbers in in all all of of Paris, Paris, but nobody could help her. The but nobody could help her. The chair chair stuck stuck on on her her back, back, and and everyone everyone was was afraid of tearing it off her afraid of tearing it off her back back because because she she might might die. die. After After all, all, Marie Marie was was aa small small young young woman, woman, somewhat somewhat on on the the skinny skinny side. side. You You might might even even call call her her frail frail or or fragile. fragile. Perhaps Perhaps that that was was because because she she was was always running from table always running from table to to table table in in the the restaurant restaurant where where she she worked. worked. Perhaps it was because she Perhaps it was because she never never had had time time to to eat eat aa good good meal. meal. Marie Marie never never thought thought about about it. it. She She just just worked worked as as hard hard as as she she could. could.

At At first first Marie Marie thought thought she she looked looked like like aa humpback, and she was ashamed humpback, and she was ashamed of of her her chair, chair, but but the the chair chair was was light light as as aa feather, feather, and and she she could could barely barely feel feel it. it. “Maybe something good will “Maybe something good will come come of of this,” this,” Marie Marie said said to to herself. herself. “Maybe if you dressed “Maybe if you dressed me me up, up, you you might might learn learn aa thing thing or or two,” two,” the the chair chair said said to to her. her. “You “You can can talk!” talk!” Marie Marie said said with with astonishment. astonishment. “You “You can can walk,” walk,” the the chair chair said. said. “Of “Of course course II can,” can,” the the waitress waitress said. said. “Anyone “Anyone can.” can.” “Hey, “Hey, that’s that’s not not true. true. Not Not anyone anyone can. can. There There are are aa lot lot of of old old people people who who can’t can’t walk. walk. What What about about babies? babies? What What about about people people who who have have accidents? accidents?

What What about about people people who who are are born born differently?” differently?” “All “All right, right, all all right,” right,” Marie Marie said. said. “I “I get your point.” get your point.” “Well, “Well, ifif you you get get my my point,” point,” the the chair said. “Get me dressed chair said. “Get me dressed and and do do something something about about it.” it.” “What “What would would you you like like to to wear?” wear?” “Something “Something with with frills, frills, and and II like like colors colors like like aqua aqua blue, blue, jasmine jasmine green, green, fire fire red, red, and and chartreuse.” chartreuse.” “Are “Are you you aa girl?” girl?” “Does “Does it it matter?” matter?”

Marie Marie said said itit didn’t, didn’t, and and off off she she went went with the chair on her back to with the chair on her back to the the nearest nearest department department store. store. People People didn’t didn’t seem seem to to mind mind that that she she had had aa chair chair on on her her back, back, and and Marie Marie found found that that strange. strange.

“Can “Can they they see see you?” you?” she she asked asked the chair. the chair. “People “People see see only only what what they they want want to see,” the chair replied. to see,” the chair replied. Once Once they they found found the the interior interior decoration department, decoration department, Marie Marie thought thought she she could could feel feel the the chair chair smile. smile. “What “What now?” now?” she she asked. asked. “Well, “Well, let’s let’s choose choose some some material,” material,” the chair said, and choose the chair said, and choose they they did. did. There There were were all all types types of of linen, linen, silk, silk, and and cloth, cloth, and and the the chair chair nudged nudged her her to to pick pick out out pink, pink, yellow, yellow, and and blue blue flower flower patterns patterns and and then then an an intricate intricate diamond diamond shaped red, black, and shaped red, black, and green green roll roll of of wool, wool, and and finally finally she she had had to to pick pick out out soft soft feather feather pillows pillows in in different different colors. colors. The The bill bill came came to to $500, $500, and and Marie Marie told told

the the chair chair there there was was no no way way she she could could pay for all the materials. pay for all the materials. “Look “Look into into your your purse,” purse,” the the chair chair demanded. demanded. Marie Marie stuck stuck her her hand hand inside inside and and pulled pulled out ten one hundred dollar bills. out ten one hundred dollar bills. “Oh!” “Oh!” she she almost almost fainted. fainted. “Stop “Stop that,” that,” the the chair chair said, said, “and “and pay.” pay.” “But what if somebody lost “But what if somebody lost this this money? money? What What ifif it it was was stolen?” stolen?” “I told you, good “I told you, good things things happen happen in in strange strange ways,” ways,” the the chair chair said. said. Marie Marie hesitated hesitated still, still, but but finally finally she she paid paid and and rushed rushed home home as as fast fast as as she she could. could. As As she she entered entered her her one-room one-room apartment, she almost apartment, she almost stumbled stumbled over over aa sewing machine. sewing machine. “What’s “What’s this?” this?” she she exclaimed. exclaimed. “How do you think “How do you think you’re you’re going going to to make make my my outfits outfits ifif you you don’t don’t have have aa sewing sewing machine?” machine?” “But “But II can’t can’t sew.” sew.”

“You “You can can now. now. Try Try it.” it.” At first Marie was afraid At first Marie was afraid of of hurting hurting herself herself with with the the needle, needle, but but the the instructions instructions were were easy easy to to read, read, and and once once the the machine machine began began humming, humming, itit was was asif asif she she were were playing playing aa violin violin sonata. sonata. She She was was carried carried away away in in rhapsody, rhapsody, and and when when she she had had finished, finished, she she had had produced produced seven seven marvelously marvelously colored colored chair chair covers. covers. “Hey, “Hey, let’s let’s do do aa fashion fashion show!” show!” the the chair proposed, and Marie could chair proposed, and Marie could feel feel the the arms arms of of the the chair chair picking picking up up one one of the outfits and slipping it on. of the outfits and slipping it on. When When the the chair chair gave gave aa sign sign that that itit was was ready, ready, Marie strolled over to the bathroom Marie strolled over to the bathroom and and turned turned around around and and around around so so she she could see the chair in the mirror. could see the chair in the mirror. “Oh, “Oh, you you look look beautiful!” beautiful!” Marie said. Marie said. “Thanks, “Thanks, but but it it was was all all you, you, and and now now we’ve we’ve got got to to get get to to work.” work.” “To “To do do what?” what?”

He weighed close to four hundred pounds. He was a young man, not more than thirty-five, but when his wife died suddenly, he went into a deep depression, stayed at home all day, watched tv and ate junk food. When Marie knocked, the door opened. “Monsieur Pierre,” Marie said. “We’ve come to invite you to lunch.” No sooner said than Marie stooped down. Somehow Pierre managed to fit himself into the chair. And in a flash they were at Marcel’s. “Monsieur, it’s a pleasure. Take a seat next to Madame Natalie. We shall be expecting you for lunch every day.” Off went Marie with the chair. This time they went to visit Liliane, who had been the brightest student in her class, but she had been hit by car and had lost the use of one of her legs and refused to go to school anymore. Her mother tried everything from bribes to psychologists, but Liliane refused to move from her room. When Marie knocked, the door opened, and Liliane’s mother showed her to her daughter’s room.

“Mademoiselle Liliane,” Marie said, “we’ve come to invite you to lunch.” Liliane’s eyes opened wide when she saw Marie with a chair stuck on her back, and she giggled. In fact, she continued to giggle when she jumped into the chair and sped to Marcel’s restaurant.

He weighed lose to four hundred pounds. He was a young man, not more than thirty-five, but when his wife died suddenly, he went into a deep depression, stayed at home all day, watched tv and ate junk food. When Marie knocked, the door opened. “Monsieur Pierre,” Marie said. “We’ve come to invite you to lunch.” No sooner said than Marie stooped down. Somehow Pierre managed to fit himself into the chair. And in a flash they were at Marcel’s. “Monsieur, it’s a pleasure. Take a seat next to Madame Natalie. We shall be expecting you for lunch every day.” Off went Marie with the chair. This time they went to visit Liliane, who had been the brightest student in her class, but she had been hit by car and had lost the use of one of her legs and refused to go to school anymore. Her mother tried everything from bribes to psychologists, but Liliane refused to move from her room. When Marie knocked, the door opened, and Liliane’s mother showed her to her daughter’s room.

Throughout the morning Marie and her chair sped through the neighborhood until twenty-one people were gathered at Marcel’s for lunch. He had set up a special banquet room for his guests, and he cooked the most delicious specialities of the house. There was laughter and chatter. Almost all the people knew each other somewhat, but they were discovering they had so much in common that they made plans to do things with each other. They kept toasting Marcel and praising his cooking. “There’s nothing like French cooking!” they cried. And Marcel replied, “It’s all on the house! You are my guests forever.” The next day Marie and her chair did not arrive at the restaurant, nor did they go knocking on people’s doors. Nevertheless, all the people managed to show up at Marcel’s restaurant, and they enjoyed themselves and kept meeting until the end of their days. As for Marie and her chair, it is difficult to remember what happened to them. Some say they never existed. But I for one don’t believe them.