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which is often the case in many families. There have been many who have studied this issue of death and dying and, who, perhaps is much more qualified to offer their thoughts. I offer you the following: Death brings about deep rooted feelings that many have never had to deal with in their adult lives. Often many people are unsure of what to do with those feelings and will often direct negative energy toward people who is closest to them. There are a myriad to stages that people go through when they loose a loved one: (1) Shock, (2) Sadness, (3) Denial, (4) Anger, (5) Guilt, (6) Depression, or (7) Acceptance. Depending on the relationship that person may have with the deceased, will dictate what level and how long they will stay at each stage. Nor are the stages mentioned as linear for each person.
Dr. J
Dr. J I have a dilemma and hope that you are able to provide a solution for me (us). I come from a family of four siblings. There are two boys and two girls. I lost my father when I was two and my mom died this time last year. Just to give you a little history, all of my siblings (including me) have gone to college and earned at least a bachelors degree. We have always been a very close family. However, since my mom passed it seems that we have been divided as a family. Everyone does their own thing. We do not talk on the phone as much as we use to. It seems as though every time we do talk we end of getting in to major arguments. Feelings were hurt based on who got what when we divided my mother’s personal belongings. My youngest sister says that she really does not want to be bothered with the family anymore. I promised my mom that I will do my part to keep the family together, but it is like pulling teeth to get the family on one accord like it was when mom was alive. I read somewhere where you were interviewed and you mentioned that you experienced many deaths in your family. What solutions to these family spats would you offer? Candi Charlotte, NC
Wow! Where should I start? First let me say that I am not sure if I can offer any solutions to the problems your family face, as I would need additional information to gain a better assessment of the situation. Second, I have witnessed and have heard of many family dynamics that change once a member of the family passes on. These dynamics take a more dominant influence based on the role the deceased played in the family. It sounds like your mom was the “glue� that held things together in your family, 13
What I would suggest is that you first pray that God gives you the strength and patience to call everyone together for a family meeting. This will allow people to face their siblings and state exactly what is on their minds. In many cases there is mis-communication, perceptions and other misconceptions that cloud their (your) ability to think clearly. Keep in mind that your siblings and other family members are human beings first and then they are relatives. This simply means that as humans we are some times irrational, selfcentered, and sometimes contradictory. We must have a consistent spirit of Love and Patience. Know that in time you will never forget a loved one, but you will be provided the strength to deal with the physical absence.
St ay Blessed!
InSpire