YOUR GUIDE TO THE WEDDING OF YOUR DREAMS
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 2019 SECTION B
DUBOIS COUNTY, INDIANA
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THE HERALD ■ FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 2019
Married to debt: Loans help pay wedding bills By ABHA BHATTARAI WP News Service Skyler Ramirez has a loan for his house, his car — and now his fiancée’s engagement ring. The 26-year-old had already picked out the diamond solitaire from Tiffany & Co., when he happened upon an ad for wedding-related loans while he was checking his credit score on Credit Karma. “I thought, ‘Hey, I’m going to be making a pretty sizable purchase,’” said Ramirez, a general contractor in Fort Myers, Florida, who proposed on Valentine’s Day. “I didn’t want to be using cash or pulling money from savings or investments accounts.” It took about 15 minutes to get approval for the five-figure loan. At an interest rate of about 8 percent, it will take more than three years — and $300 a month — to pay it off. And it might not be the last loan he takes out as he prepares to get married. Demand among Americans, who are already holding record levels of debt, for help financing weddings are giving rise to an industry of personal loans marketed specifically to brides and grooms. Online lenders say they are issuing up to four times as many “wedding loans” as they did a year ago, as they look to reach a fastgrowing demographic: Couples who are picking up the tab for their own nuptials, either by choice or by necessity. Financial technology companies with snappy names like Prosper, Upstart and Earnest are promoting wedding-specific loans with interest rates as high as 30 percent to cash-strapped couples. The loans are often marketed as a way to fund extras like custom calligraphy, doughnut displays and “Instagram-worthy” venues, though some borrowers say they rely on the loans to fund their entire wedding. “People are carrying more debt, they want to get married but don’t have the funds to do so,” said David Green, chief product officer at Earnest, a San Francisco-based online lender. “These loans are a way to thread the needle.” Demand for wedding loans has quadrupled in the past year, he said, making it the company’s fastest-growing line of business. Couples borrow, on average, $16,000 and typically pay it off within three years. Interest rates range from about 7 percent to 18 percent, making it a cheaper option than many credit cards. (The company’s tagline: Inspired by Pinterest? Make it happen with low interest.) The popularity of these loans, experts say, comes amid a shift in how families are paying for weddings. There is less expectation, they said, that the bride’s parents will pick up the tab. Instead, both sets of parents, as well as grandparents, are increasingly contributing. The bride and groom are chipping in, too. “Couples are getting married later, so they are more willing to pay,” said David Wood, president of the Association of Bridal Consultants. “At the same time, their parents are older, they may be on a retirement income and not have the means to pay for the wedding either.” The average cost of an American wedding is rising, according to financial advisers. At the same time, Americans have more student loan debt than ever before — nearly $1.5 trillion of it. They are saving less and spending more on basics such as housing, food and transportation. “What’s driving this growth? Weddings are getting more expensive and people are waiting longer
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Demand among Americans, who are already holding record levels of debt, for help financing weddings are giving rise to an industry of personal loans marketed specifically to brides and grooms. to get married,” said Todd Nelson, director of strategic partnerships for LightStream, a lending division of SunTrust bank. “It used to be, generally speaking, the father of the bride was on the hook for paying for the wedding. That’s not necessarily the expectation anymore.” So far this year the company has funded three times as many wedding loans as it did a year ago, Nelson said. LightStream considers a combination of factors, including credit history, employment and income, when approving applicants for personal loans. While borrowing itself is nothing new — credit cards and family members have funded weddings for years — financial advisers say these types of online loans take lending a step further, by directly targeting 20- and 30-somethings on their computers. Ads for wedding loans, they say, have become commonplace on social media, as well as financial planning sites like Lending Tree, NerdWallet and LendEdu. LightStream’s online ads promise wedding loans with interest rates “as low as 5.74
percent.” Upstart, meanwhile, has a partnership with the wedding site the Knot, which frequently promotes its loans. “Financial companies have become very good at making you feel OK about borrowing money,” said Roger Ma, a financial planner in New York. “In the end, though, they just want you to spend money you don’t have, and that’s never a good idea.” As for Ramirez, he proposed on Valentine’s Day during a trip to Key West. (She said yes.) The couple is now planning a November wedding for 200 guests, though they have yet to decide exactly who will pay for it, or how. “We’re asking family members — moms, dad, grandparents — if they can help,” Ramirez said. “But depending on what happens, we might be back for another loan.” When Mary Naklicki got married in 1977, her parents paid $10 per person for her reception. Naklicki may have to pay 11 times that for her daughter’s November wedding. “There’s so much more to pay for now,” said Naklicki, 62,
who lives in Millsboro, Delaware. “These kids have photo booths and videographers. There was none of that when I got married. I paid for my gown, flowers and the photographer and that was it.” Naklicki and her husband recently took out a five-year, $10,000 loan from the online lender Upstart to pay for their daughter’s wedding at a local country club. They had just paid for a family trip to Disney World over Thanksgiving when they got word that their younger daughter’s boyfriend planned to propose. “We said, oh gosh, that means she’s going to want to plan a wedding,” said Naklicki, who plans to retire from her job as a traffic coordinator for a manufacturing company in three years. “We’d just spent all this money and figured a loan was our best option.” Financial planners say they’ve seen an uptick in clients who are tempted to take out loans to cover wedding costs. Financial planners, though, say they try to steer clients toward less expensive options, or to encourage them to put
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off the reception while they save. “The problem is, you don’t want to rely on a personal loan for something that isn’t necessary - and there is nothing necessary about an expensive wedding,” said Stefanie O’Connell, a personal finance expert and author of “The Broke and Beautiful Life.” “Everything about weddings is discretionary, aside from what you pay the county clerk.” O’Connell, was married in August (and paid for the wedding in cash), said she also encourages couples to think about their longterm plans. “You have to put it in context,” she said. “You could spend $30,000 on a one-day celebration, or you could use it to put a down payment on a house. These loans sound great when you’re planning your wedding, but afterward, I hear a lot of regret.” Brad Pritchett and David Chadd had hoped to pay for their wedding with cash. But about a month before their February nuptials, they realized they were $13,000 over budget. “Quite frankly, we both have a taste level where we weren’t willing to compromise,” said Pritchett, 38, vice president of marketing for the American Heart Association. “It was important for us to have a great party to celebrate our love.” He and Chadd, 27, took out a loan to cover costs. The process itself was “shockingly easy,” he said. “Neither of us talked to a person, ever,” said Pritchett, who also has student loans. “The money landed in our account, and we were like, ‘It feels like we just did something illegal.’ It was crazy.” About 150 guests attended their wedding at an upscale hotel near Dallas. The grooms wore custom bow ties, and their dogs (also in bow ties) walked down the aisle with them. There were confetti cannons and a surprise flash mob dance performance. “It was just perfect,” Pritchett said. “We had the best time.” The couple has set up automatic monthly payments to their lender, Prosper, and are hoping to pay off the two-year loan early. Pritchett said he has no regrets. “But,” he added, “there are times when we think: Maybe in another life, eloping doesn’t seem like a terrible idea.”
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THE HERALD ■ FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 2019
FALL BRIDAL ■ PAGE 3
Preparing for your special day smartly can make the event even more magical. KAI PRODUCTIONS CREATORS.COM
Prevent, prepare for frequent wedding mishaps By TERESA CURTO Creators.com There’s a common sentiment among those who have gone through the process of planning a wedding: Something is likely to go wrong during your special day. But with careful planning and attention, you can minimize the damage done when a detail is missed or forgotten. Here are some of the most common wedding calamities and how you can try to avoid them. ■■ You try for too much DIY. Choosing to DIY certain parts of your wedding is a great way to add personal touches. However, try to refrain from taking on the larger and more involved tasks, which should be left to the professionals. You can prevent a lot of unnecessary stress by hiring a professional caterer — rather than delegating your mother and great-aunts to whip up a meal to serve your 50 wedding guests. If you’re working on a tight budget, pick and choose which tasks it makes the most sense for you to tackle yourself. For example, if you or a family member has some floral experience, it may be rea-
sonable to arrange your own centerpieces and bouquets. ■■ The DJ doesn’t play your station. The job of finding and hiring a DJ isn’t as simple as choosing a name from a Google search. There’s a little more that should go into this important task. Most DJs will take the time to have a conversation with you so you can outline your song selections and how they fit in the schedule of events for your ceremony and reception. A good DJ will also make sure to ask you about your musical preferences for all the other moments in the day. For example, there’s music that will be played when you and your guests are enjoying dinner. You may not want your DJ to play Boyz II Men if your style leans more toward Jack Johnson and John Mayer. Don’t be afraid to really inform your DJ about your personalities so they have a clear direction to go during those unscripted moments of the day. ■■ You assume that anyone can make you look like a cover girl. Most brides choose to have their hair and makeup done by a professional on their wedding day.
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However, when you’re used to doing your own hair and makeup every day, it can come as a shock when a total stranger gets your style all wrong. You may think a practice run with your chosen hair and makeup professionals is a superfluous expense, but when it comes to your wedding day, there are few details more important than your hair and face. This is especially important, as most brides wait until it’s very close to go time to begin their hair and makeup. You want to be as confident with your hair and makeup as you are with the wedding dress that you spent hours picking out. ■■ The photography process is far from picture perfect.
Most couples spend big bucks on their wedding photographer. If you want to maximize your investment, here are a few tips to make the process as seamless as possible. If you’re planning on having engagement photos done, try to book the same photographer for your engagement session and your wedding day. This allows you to get comfortable with your photographer and assess whether or not they are truly a good fit for you. Some photographers are better than others when it comes to giving direction and making you feel comfortable enough to allow your true personality to come through in photos. Photos are typically taken
immediately following the ceremony while guests are enjoying appetizers and drinks or are making their way to the reception. One of the common complaints of wedding guests is that they’re made to wait far too long between the ceremony and reception. Try to sketch out a rough schedule with family members who you want to be present for wedding pictures so they know when they’re expected to be there. Wedding photos can easily be held up if a sibling or grandparent goes missing. By giving your family the photoshoot schedule ahead of time, you can make sure to get to your guests in a timely manner, which they’ll surely appreciate.
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THE HERALD ■ FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 2019
Avoid planning wedding with too many extras By SHARON NAYLOR Creators.com It is (possible to plan an extraordinary, elegant wedding without going too far over-thetop, spending too much and overdoing it. “The bride and groom had so much going on at their wedding, with activity carts and performers everywhere that it felt like a carnival ... and it wasn’t a carnival theme,” says “Eliza,” a recent wedding guest in Connecticut. “To make room for the performers, you had to be on your guard so that you didn’t trip the stilt walkers or get set on fire by the fire twirlers or bump into the hula dancers.” Speaking of the same wedding, guest “Steve” said, “This wasn’t a wedding; it was a kid’s 3rd birthday bash.” Ouch. Not a good review for this wedding. We can see the intention behind such over-the-top weddings. The wedding couple wants to plan an unforgettable day that’s unlike any other, one that impresses guests with the visual “wow” factor and the unexpected fun factor. Couples spend a lot of time browsing Pinterest and top wedding blogs to collect their dream floral decor, table settings and surprises that will drop guests’ jaws. For some weddings, it’s a celebrity musical performance: A Grammy-winning star or the original cast of a Broadway show serenades the couple. For others, it’s a massive end-of-reception balloon drop -- which used to be primarily for New Year’s Eve parties. Some wedding couples spend thousands of dollars to install greenery-covered swings in trees for guests to play on -- and take photos on, because everything is about the Instagram posts and the clever wedding hashtag. “If you are among the wedding couples who want their entire wedding to be shown on Instagram by their guests, with lavish praise heaped upon their every design, performer, flower and menu item, you’re going to be tempted to overplan and overspend,” says Camille Cerria, nautical event planner at Smooth Sailing Celebrations in New Jersey and New York City. “Of course, you want your wedding location to be gorgeous, and you want special effects and dazzling elegance, food and drinks to
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budget, not the ceiling-coveredwith-exotic-orchids budget (courtesy of The Wedding Report): ■■ Wedding cost: $24,700 in 2018 (down from $26,700 in 2016). ■■ Event floral decor: $604 in 2018. ■■ Centerpieces: $326 in 2018. ■■ Cake: $418 in 2019. ■■ Photo booth: $379 in 2019. ■■ Limousine: $426 in 2019. These numbers might not seem like a lot, but consider the large number of wedding budget categories from large expenses like catering down to the smallest effect items like the pen used to sign the guest book. For couples on a budget, finding smart ways to save while still making an impression is key to the wedding planning process — and to your financial health after the big day. “If you’re not on a budget, finding ways to not look like you tried too hard and threw everything against the wall is also key,” says Cerria. She adds that some couples are just fine with lots of “wow” factor on their big day. It may be part of their culture, part of their family’s style or
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Lower centerpieces let guests see others as well as where you are in the room. treat guests like VIPs and the best of everything. It’s your wedding! But to accomplish everything on your wish list, you can do far fewer things -- like booking a yacht wedding that gives you an amazing sea and sunset view, a sail past skylines and fall foliage, perhaps even the Statue of Liberty to thrill your guests who’ve never seen it live before.” A setting that gives you a stunning natural view from multiple angles can do the work of decor. This kind of setting -- or a natural forest, an estate with gorgeous
grounds, a museum with amazing lighting, even an at-home wedding with your grandmother’s rose bushes -- is going to set the stage for enjoyment and for those wedding portraits and Instagram photos you desire. Your setting doesn’t even have to be an expensive location with a large site fee. Keeping the rule of “pretty space with a stellar view” in mind activates that “less is more” strategy that still impresses but doesn’t bankrupt. Speaking of cost, here are a few current prices for the average
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just what they’ve worked hard to earn and show off. So here are some tips from Cerria for practicing “less is more” successfully: ■■ Design smaller centerpieces with lovely greenery and florals (plus small multilevel decor items such as votive candles or river stones) to allow guests to see all that’s going on in the room and see the other guests across the table. ■■ Focus on things guests will touch or taste, such as nice linens and amazing food and drink. These make a nicer impact than streamer cannons and balloon drops. ■■ Pay attention to timing. A brief edited video of your courtship that’s sweet and sentimental will impress far more in its restraint than a 20-minute one -- which will likely turn guests to boredom (and their phones) and kill the party’s momentum. “Work with your vendors, mentioning that less is more. They know how to adjust the dials on the impression you want to make,” says Cerria.
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THE HERALD ■ FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 2019
FALL BRIDAL ■ PAGE 5
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Sooth wedding day jitters by focusing on each other and taking the big day one moment at a time.
Butterflies: Staying relaxed on your special day By KRISTEN CASTILLO Creators.com Whether you’re fraught with wedding worries while planning your nuptials or simply stressing that you’ll be nervous on the big day, know this: you’re not alone and it’s totally normal to feel big day butterflies. Don’t believe the hype “When preparations need to occur, timelines need to followed and numerous rituals need to take place, it often becomes about the big day and not about the big love,” says wedding planner Aviva Samuels of Kiss the Planner. “It’s easy to get caught up in everything that goes on, and a quick reminder of why you are there and who you are there for can really ease wedding day jitters in a big way.” Wedding day hype often frays the nerves of engaged couples. “The best thing to do is to try to normalize the wedding day,” says wedding photographer Kaitlin Cooper of Kaitlin Cooper Photography, who advises couples to not get too caught up in the details. “Rather than placing a huge
focus and energy on all of the details to make the wedding day seemingly perfect, channel that effort into what you need for a successful marriage,” she shares. Work it out Get in a workout to fend off wedding jitters. “Before you start getting ready on your wedding morning, go for a quick run or bike ride to increase your heart rate,” says Cooper, explaining exercise can help you both sweat and clear your mind. Relax Lifestyle and mindfulness coach Wade Brill, who’s also a newlywed (she married six months ago), recommends creating morning rituals, like morning walks or journal sessions. “These rituals create a form of stability in high adrenaline and anxiety times,” she says. Take a break, even a short one, to relax. Cooper suggests scheduling five uninterrupted minutes every morning, including the wedding day, to refocus and breathe. “Having a few quiet minutes to clear your mind and focus your attention on the bigger meaning
of the day will help get you in the right mindset for the entire event,” she says. Mantras Talk yourself through stressful moments. Samuels urges couples to complete this sentence: “I’m marrying the love of my life because...” Brill urges couples to keep the focus on each other and their love. She suggests creating a word or phrase to focus on, such as love, joy, community or celebration. “Let this word or phrase help you keep your mind focused on what matters most,” she says. Marriage and family therapist Katie Ziskind urges her clients to
calm wedding jitters by repeating: “I am calm and at peace. I am creating a beautiful life for us. I trust in my partner.” She says the mantras can shift the mind from irrational, anxious thoughts to healing, soothing thoughts. Reassure Support your soon-to-bespouse on the wedding day with a personal touch. “A thoughtful note or card delivered to your fiance while they are getting ready can offer the reassurance that they might truly need,” says Samuels. “It lets them know that they are loved and not only helps to calm wed-
ding day jitters, but it also serves as a beautiful memory for years to come.” She also recommends couples do a first look photo session before the wedding to take the edge off. “It’s a very special moment that allows the couple to breathe easier when they finally do walk down the aisle,” says Samuels. Focus on the future Couples can also self-soothe by reminding themselves that while the wedding is one day, their future is ahead of them. Enjoy the planning process and savor the big day one moment of the time, celebrating with family and friends. The best is yet to come.
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THE HERALD ■ FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 2019
Appropriate, considerate requests of bridal party By KRISTEN CASTILLO Creators.com Choosing your wedding party is exciting and exhilarating. Your closest family members and friends will stand by your side and make memories of a lifetime. But it’s no secret that weddings can be expensive for everyone. Asking your bridesmaids to invest a lot of time and money in your big day can be challenging. Wedding experts say that the key to politely navigating wedding expenses with your bridesmaids is communication, being receptive and open, and getting creative together. Communicate Start the wedding planning by having honest conversations with your would-be bridesmaids. Then keep that conversation going throughout the whole planning process. “Wedding attendees should always try to be understanding of what the bride or groom is going through, after all they are both under a lot of stress and its likely they’ve never planned an event of this size before,” says Esther Lee, senior editor of the leading U.S. wedding website The Knot. However, expectations can create conflict or disappointment, so it’s important for the bride to be honest with her bridesmaids from the start. Share your vision with your bridesmaids, and let them share their travel or budget realities. See what’s budget-friendly Just as planning a night out with your girlfriends can become a conversation about who can afford what, most bridal parties have members with different financial situations. Here are three tips to having your wedding vision come to life while looking out for your bride tribe: Be transparent Be straightforward with your prospective bridesmaids about how much you want them in your wedding. Don’t overlook talking about the time and financial commitments needed. “This is the kindest way to ask for someone’s participation,” says Katherine Frost, luxury wedding planner and owner of A Frosted Affair in Denver. “Financial misunderstandings ruin friendships, so don’t avoid discussing money.” Be flexible Based on your initial conversa-
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Open communication between a bride and her bridesmaids can make the wedding planning process less stressful. tion, you should understand each of your bridesmaid’s budgets, so be flexible about how much you want them to spend on attire, accessories, travel and other extras. Amy McCord Jones, owner of Flower Moxie, agrees. She has planned over 800 weddings and says a bridesmaid will spend $500 minimum, including dress, shoes, alterations, jewelry, hair and makeup, hotel, wedding shower, engagement party and bachelorette party. She urges brides to ask themselves how realistic their expectations of bridesmaids are. Will you allow the bridesmaid to pick out her own dress? If not, what amount seems reasonable to budget? Will you require them to buy the shoes and accessories you want, or can they wear their own? Do they need professional hair and makeup, or can they do their own? It all adds up, so think of the bigger picture and what’s most important. Keep it under $750 Being in the wedding party isn’t cheap, but it can be relatively
reasonable. “Whenever possible, just keep all expenses for bridesmaids under $750 in total,” says Frost. Even that amount may be asking a lot. Etiquette consultant Jodi RR Smith of Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting says that the cost doesn’t have to all come from the bridesmaids’ wallets. “It is not uncommon for brides to pay for shoes, accessories, hair/ make-up, the hotel, etc. as part their gift to their attendants,” she says. “The bottom line is that attendants should not go into debt for a friend’s wedding.”
Light, easy and drama-free Etiquette coach Toni Dupree, CEO of Etiquette & Style by Dupree and a bride-to-be herself, encourages couples to do the “heavy lifting” of wedding planning. “The bridesmaids are for keeping the wedding activities light and easy,” she says. She suggests that brides work with their bridal party to crowdsource wedding ideas. “The bride can’t think of everything,” she adds. “Have the bridesmaids over for a wedding round table of sorts to get ideas for the decorations, the bridal shower,
bachelorette party and divvy up hostess duties.” The thing not to do? Add on expenses that attendees aren’t expecting. WeddingWire senior editor Kim Forrest notes, “As long as you’re upfront, never vague and always gracious about who should be paying what, things should stay chill and relatively drama free.” At the end of your special day, the cake will be gone and the decorations taken down, but your bride tribe will stay! The more open you are through the process, the brighter, happier memories you’ll share.
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THE HERALD ■ FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 2019
FALL BRIDAL ■ PAGE 7
Planning wedding feast that won’t break the bank By CHELLE CORDERO Creators.com Wanting the perfect wedding is only natural. You’re marrying the partner of your dreams. But wow, things can really add up financially. In addition to the price of flowers, attire and venue, you have to consider your great-aunt’s shellfish allergy, your cousin Kenny’s lactose intolerance, your nephew Timmy’s peanut allergy, your boss’ Halal diet, your best friend Kim’s gluten allergy and your grandpa’s Kosher diet when putting together a menu. It sure can be confusing and expensive. Or maybe not ... Whether you choose a backyard ceremony with home cooking or a lavishly catered hotel venue, it’s a good idea to query your guests about any food allergies or dietary restrictions when you send out your invitations. Sharon Naylor, the author of Weddings Away says: “I suggest giving guests an extra chance to alert you about food allergies (in addition to notification space on the response card). Post or email a reminder that you welcome any food allergy request messages up to the date when the caterer needs all final information.” The most common food allergic reactions are to nuts, shellfish, dairy and gluten. Dietary restrictions tend to be religious or personal choices such as keeping Kosher, Halal, vegetarian (no meat or animal flesh) or vegan (no animal products at all, such as eggs). There are also a number of people allergic to specific fruits, seeds (like sesame), coconuts, sulfites (as in wine), and soy. Kosher diets exclude certain types of meats, forbid mixing meat and dairy together, and require standards for humane kills. Halal diets do not include pork products, alcohol and also requires Halal kill standards. Salad dressings and sauces can be hidden culprits so be sure to check their ingredients. If you are using a wedding venue, restaurant or bringing in prepared food for your affair, be sure to discuss all of the food restrictions with your caterer. There is a good chance he or she will be able to suggest alternate dishes to the normal menu so that everyone will be able to enjoy the meal safely. Set out place cards on a buffet table listing the dishes, main ingredients and allergy alerts so
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A meat carving station goes well on a wedding buffet table. that your guests know which dishes are safe to eat. For a backyard or rented hall where several cooks might be adding to the menu, ask them to please label their dishes as well and alert them to specific ingredients that should be noted on those labels. Your choice of venue should have more influence on the type of menu than the time of the ceremony and reception; however, some less expensive food choices do go well with certain times of day. Consider a brunch buffet for a morning or afternoon affair rather than serving steak or chicken for dinner. Many wedding couples find that budgeting for alcohol can be difficult. If the wedding is alcoholfree due to religious or health issues, use ginger ale or sparkling water to toast the couple. If you are serving alcohol, you shouldn’t expect your guests to pay for it.
According to Naylor, “Cash bars often annoy guests, who might not have brought any cash with them to the wedding.” Instead, she recommends limiting the types of alcohol (don’t limit quality) you’ll be serving and speaking with the bartender beforehand to ask for his or her best tips for a bar on a budget. There are several terrific selfcatered ideas that are appropriate
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THE HERALD ■ FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 2019
The financial side of remarrying later in life By CARRIE SCHWAB-POMERANTZ Creators.com
— and how you want to provide for them. For example, a qualified terminable interest property trust could provide for a surviving spouse while ensuring that a residual amount goes to the children of a prior marriage after the surviving spouse passes away. Also be sure to update beneficiaries on all pertinent accounts — such as retirement plans, pensions and annuities — and make sure all assets are titled correctly. Talk about any charitable organizations that you want to support. ■■ Do you have someone who can advise you on important financial decisions? Depending on the complexity of your financial situations, it may be wise to consult a financial adviser and estate planner together before you’re married. A trustworthy adviser can help you organize your finances in a way that helps protect both of your individual assets while forging a new, supportive financial relationship.
Dear Carrie: I am a 65-yearold widow and am considering getting married again. What financial steps should I take before I tie the knot? — A reader Dear Reader: This is a great question — and one worth considering at any age. Marriage is about love, but it also impacts your money. And the financial implications can be even more significant whe n both partners have had time to acquire and manage assets for many years. This can be especially true for a second marriage. And it’s not just about numbers. There’s an emotional side to marrying your finances. You need to examine your own feelings about such things as financial independence and also take into account the feelings of your loved ones, particularly adult children. There’s a lot to consider — both practical and personal. To me, it’s not just about understanding the financial issues on your own but about coming to an understanding with your partner. Although it may feel uncomfortable, it’s important to talk openly and honestly about your finances with your partner. Here are some things to consider together. Dollars and cents Many of the financial benefits that come with marriage relate to Social Security and estate planning. For instance, if you marry, you’ll be eligible for both spousal and survivor Social Security benefits based on your new husband’s work record. If you’re currently collecting survivor benefits on your late spouse’s record, you could either continue to receive those benefits (because you’re remarrying past age 60) or switch to the spousal benefit if that would be higher. When it comes to estate planning, a married person can leave an unlimited amount of money to his or her spouse without incurring any estate tax, assuming the spouse is a U.S. citizen. In addition, the surviving spouse can use any unused portion of the deceased spouse’s lifetime estate tax exclusion upon his or her death. Estate and gift tax exemptions are adjusted annually for inflation; the individual exclusion is nearly $11.2 million for 2018. This means that under current law, a married couple can pass on up to nearly $22.4 million free of federal estate tax. However, some states also have separate estate taxes, and the amount excluded from state estate taxes varies by state. Many states have a “use it or lose it” state estate tax exemption, and specific estate planning may be needed to allow the state estate tax exemptions of both spouses to be used. Currently, the 13 places with state estate taxes are Connecticut, the District of Columbia, Hawaii, Illinois, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Minnesota, New York, Oregon, Rhode Island, Vermont and Washington. Though this affects only the very wealthiest few, for the sake of example, let’s say your spouse gives away $3 million and you give away $2 million during your lifetimes. If one of you were to pass away, the combined estate tax exemption for the surviving spouse would still be $17.4 million ($8.2 million of unused exemption from your spouse plus $9.2 million of your unused exemption). Clearly, this is more than ample for most
Communication There can be a lot of sensitivity around a late-in-life second marriage, so you may want to include
your kids and any other close family members in your plans. Assure them that you have thought through the financial implications and are protecting yourself. If you decide on a prenuptial agreement, consider giving adult children a copy. Likewise, be upfront about your estate plans so there are no surprises later. Most importantly, keep talking to each other. I believe that the most essential issues go beyond numbers and should be discussed with complete candor before a second trip down the aisle. Communication is the key to any successful relationship, and talking about finances is an important part of it. Though it’s not always comfortable talking about money, if you listen to each other and honor each other’s feelings, you may find that financial honesty actually teaches you about each other’s values and priorities and, ultimately, brings you closer together.
Carrie Schwab-Pomerantz’s column, “Ask Carrie,” be found at creators. com.
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Many of the financial benefits that come with marriage relate to Social Security and estate planning. couples. In addition, spouses who are both U.S. citizens can transfer an unlimited amount of property to each other free of any tax reporting responsibilities or gift tax. You’ll also be able to use “gift splitting,” which allows a married couple to share a gift’s total value so that each contributes half the amount when giving to a third party. There’s no gift tax if the gift is within the limits (currently $15,000 per individual and $30,000 per couple); however, gift splitting does require filing a gift tax return. Difficult tasks You may need to make some hard decisions with your mate. To help you get through them, approach difficult tasks as partners
and come to an agreement on how to handle them. Here are some things to think about: ■■ Will you need a prenuptial agreement? If so, consult an attorney to draft the initial terms. Often, each person will hire his or her own attorney to assist with the negotiation and drafting of the prenuptial agreement (and in some states, this is a requirement for the prenuptial agreement to be valid). Even if you decide against a formal legal document, it’s essential to openly discuss your finances and put your decisions in writing. ■■ How will you handle your estate? Discuss your individual responsibility with children and grandchildren — or any other dependents or family members
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FALL BRIDAL ■ PAGE 9
Foolproof fun for young fledgling fidgeters By SHARON NAYLOR Creators.com Kids at the wedding: They’re adorable, delightful and so thrilled to twirl in their matching, kneelength dresses with floral wreaths on their heads, or walk down the aisle in mini tuxes, wearing earpieces and acting like a security detail. You’ve seen plenty of kids dancing, crying and throwing tantrums at weddings. And you definitely want more of the former and less of the latter. It may seem like an impossible task to keep all the young wedding guests, flower girls and ring bearers happy and well-behaved throughout your wedding day. After all, child guests and bridal party members can include little ones just outside of infancy (starting at age 2), up to early teens, showcasing their eye-rolling and boredom with or without screens grabbing their attention. With such a varied collection of age ranges, your important task of calming the kids and preventing their boredom can never be accomplished with just one solution. Kids and preteens need an arsenal of activities to hold their attention and entertain them (i.e. keep them quiet and still), especially during the two most challenging parts of the wedding. Elizabeth Muhmood Kane, founder of Bridal Musings, says, “The two parts of a wedding day that are the trickiest for children are: the ceremony and the speeches.” The ceremony Most wedding couples become wide-eyed at this advice, as they thought of a kids activity pack complete with coloring books and crayons for the reception but didn’t think of that for the ceremony. Providing kids with activity, sticker and coloring books in addition to the wedding programs — extra points if the kids are invited to grab their own matching activity books from a basket — helps kids and parents to prevent unwelcome tantrums. “No parent wants all eyes on them as their child kicks off during the bride and groom’s sacred marriage vows!” Kane writes on the Bridal Musings website. “But a gentle reminder at the beginning of the ceremony that it’s ok to leave the room if needs be, may encourage parents to escort
Help prevent kid tantrums (and rock throwing) at your wedding with some unexpected antifidgeting tips. RICH PENROSE CREATORS.COM
any screaming babies/children having full on temper tantrums away from earshot.” A leading note in wedding etiquette is that it’s perfectly OK — and encouraged — to have your officiant begin the ceremony with gentle instructions for guests. Ask him or her to welcome guests with a smile, direct attendees to turn off all devices, as well as point out a garden, playroom or other nearby location where they are welcome to bring kids so they can be more comfortable. Speaking of comfort, it’s often physical discomfort that gets kids fidgeting. A little one, especially on a hot and humid day, is likely to hate a lace collar, tulle, crinoline, uncomfortable hairpins keeping that floral crown in place, as well as tuxedo jackets and ties. Tell parents that you understand kids’ comfort levels with wedding outfits, so as soon as photos are done, feel free to let them take off that crown, jacket or anything else causing the kid to make “that face.”
From the quiet of the ceremony to the feast of the cocktail party — and, wait, what is happening now? — it’s time for one or multiple speeches, which can push kids beyond their comfort levels. Kane suggests instructing guests to be seated for the speeches. Little ones, seated with their parents and given a fresh new activity book and crayons, can find comfort in a new gift and some distraction. Again, you won’t please all kids all the time, but these easy, inexpensive presents and games can keep them occupied. Additional tips ■■ Provide a kid-friendly array of appetizers, meal options, desserts and snacks. Kids today often
have a more developed palate for sushi, kimchi and vegetables and may raise an eyebrow at finding just mini pizzas, chicken fingers and fries set out for them. Talk to your caterers about making an engaging kids food and dessert menu. ■■ Provide lots of water enlivened with fruit slices on a hot day to prevent dehydration. ■■ Set up a craft area or game room at the event venue, perhaps in a smaller party room at the hotel and staffed by professional child care experts and entertainers, where parents can drop in anytime and kids can go find parents anytime. All you need is a movie playing, parent-approved
games and music and engaging activities to give kids their own party zone. ■■ Create a quiet room where kids can nap as needed, with parental presence. ■■ Shop smartly for activity books and worksheets with exercises such as scavenger hunts. You’ll find plenty of coloring book packs, wedding-themed activity sheets and crayons on Amazon, and on Etsy, you can find free or inexpensive downloadable worksheets for kids to complete at the wedding. Entertained, comfortable kids have a greater chance of being good kids at any wedding, and that’s something to aim for.
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THE HERALD ■ FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 2019
A couple’s guide to common money myths By MARY HUNT Creators.com The wedding may be complicated and expensive. But it’ll soon be over, and then it’s time to settle in and get ready to enjoy your new life together. Lucky for you, I’m here to warn you about some common money myths that newlyweds have been known to bring with them into their marriage. Myth: Double the income, half the expenses. This is what I call fuzzy newlywed math: Merging your lives and incomes into one household is the equivalent of getting a raise. Don’t believe that -- not for a second. Counter: Start out living on only one income, and save the rest. This will require going against everything our culture insists you deserve, but it will allow you to move seamlessly into parenthood. When that day comes, you’ll have an impressive savings account and options — and a gallery of envious friends. Myth: There’s stuff we can’t live without. No, there isn’t. But it will be easy to convince yourselves that you absolutely must have match-
ing furniture, new cars and all kinds of gadgets and services to make your lives easier and keep up with your expectations, to say nothing of your friends. Counter: Make a pact that you will never go into debt for “stuff.” Period. Myth: If we qualify, we can afford it. Whether it’s a new credit card or a new nothing-down, interestonly mortgage for a house that you know in your hearts you cannot afford, never allow your ability to qualify to be the determining factor. If you cannot pay the entire credit card balance in full each month, or if the mortgage plus the insurance, taxes and maintenance is more than 30% of your net income, you can’t afford it. Getting in over your heads is the recipe for a marital disaster. Counter: Never think of a credit card company, real estate agent or mortgage broker as a financial advisor. They are sales people looking to close deals. Get advice from a wise person who will not benefit financially from the decision you make. Myth: We have plenty of time. It does seem as though you have a lifetime ahead and that you
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Embark on marriage with the promise to be fully honest and open with one another, especially regarding finances. don’t really need to save money now, while things are tight and you are struggling to get going. But that’s a myth. The truth is you cannot afford to go one more day without a savings commitment for many reasons: You will want to retire. You do not want to feel forced into debt when something unexpected happens. You do not want to get used to spending all that you have. You want to create a sense of security and peace in your marriage. Counter: Think of 10% of your net income as a mandatory savings obligation, just like your rent
or mortgage payment. Pay it to yourselves without fail starting right now, if not sooner. Myth: Some money issues are best kept private. Whether it’s the $40 pedicure you launder through your grocery tab using the convenient cashback feature, the $80 cash you collected from your lunch buddies when you put the whole tab on your credit card or that secret credit card account, keeping money secrets from your spouse is not good for your marriage. You might be able to pull off financial infidelity for a while, but eventually, it
will come back to bite you. Counter: Start out with a commitment to full disclosure and total honesty. That will build something into your marriage that money cannot buy: trust. Myth: Everything will be fine as soon as we make more money. It does make sense that if you are struggling now, you won’t be once you get a big raise, finish school, get your grandmother’s inheritance or win the lottery. The truth is that more money will never be enough until you learn how to manage well the money you have already. Counter: Make the necessary adjustments now to live beneath your means. That will ensure when more money comes into your lives, you’ll know exactly how to take care of it. Myth: It’s too late. No matter how long you’ve been married or how difficult your situation may appear, it’s not too late. It will take longer and be more challenging, but you can turn your situation around. Two people committed to reaching a single goal is a powerful force. Counter: Decide right now that you are going to do whatever it takes to debt-proof your marriage.
To old to marry? Behind the growing trend of late-life love By MARILYN MURRAY WILLISON Creators.com People over the age of 50 used to lament that they found themselves attending more funerals than weddings, but that scenario may be changing. According to a 2014 Pew Research Center report on the demographics of remarriage, 67% of previously married people between 55 and 64 years of age have remarried. Back in 1960 — for the same age group — that statistic was only 34%. A variety of changes is responsible for this uptick in “older age” nuptials, and perhaps the most prominent is the fact that we are all enjoying longer, and potentially healthier, life spans. For some romantically involved couples, marriage is a way to ensure medical access in case of a partner’s accident or illness, while for others it can be a financially motivated merging of lifestyle expenses.
Whatever the reason, marriage — especially among individuals who are over 65 — is on the rise. Since I lived in London for five years and have been a lifelong Anglophile, I was surprised to notice the same trend among people in the United Kingdom. In Britain, the number of grooms (in 2012) who were in their late 60s increased by 25%, while brides of the same age went up by 21%. Obviously, baby boomers on both sides of the Atlantic are ready, willing and able to say “I do” at an age that would have been unthinkable for previous generations. Dr. Kate Davidson, co-author of “Intimacy in Later Life,” researched the reasons that older couples gave for wanting to get married. Evidently, when it comes to “repartnering” later in life, men are in search of an enhanced private life while women are looking for someone to go out with. And while widows tend to remarry widowers — often someone they’ve
known socially for years — widowers make no distinctions between a divorced, single or widowed bride. According to the Journal of Marriage and Family, many older couples worry that marriage might trigger higher health care costs, negatively affect retirement benefits, raise their tax levels or disrupt their in-place estate plans. The Human Rights Campaign argues that marriage conveys more than 1,000 tax breaks, benefits and governmental protections.
Not surprisingly, all this talk of love and romance among older people reveals that Cupid still has a few ageist tendencies. According to Sara Arber, co-director of the Centre for Research on Ageing and Gender at the University of Surrey, “For a woman over 65 there is a 10,000 to one chance of marriage and for a man the odds fall to 1,000 to one.” Obviously, love and marriage remain complicated no matter what age you are or where you live.
Perhaps the prickliest issue is the reaction of offspring when Mom or Dad decides to remarry, due to potentially disruptive financial complications. Lina Guillen, an attorney and co-author of “Living Together: A Legal Guide for Unmarried Couples,” advises that the “gold standard” for older couples who want to remarry is signing both a will and a prenuptial agreement. That’s the best way to ensure that their grown children’s inheritance will not be compromised.
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THE HERALD ■ FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 2019
FALL BRIDAL ■ PAGE 11
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Just because a bride included you in her wedding party does not mean you have to return the honor. But she will be touched by the gesture, especially if she is family.
Bridesmaid reciprocity: Harmony in the family By ANNIE LANE Creators.com Dear Annie: I’m engaged to a man who is the love of my life, and I couldn’t be more ecstatic. My fiance, “Anthony,” proposed last week. We’ve tentatively set the date for next spring, and now I’m starting to do some preliminary wedding planning. I’m facing a dilemma regarding bridesmaids. I’m the youngest of five siblings, and I’m the only girl. Yes, I have four elder brothers. (To answer the question almost everyone asks upon learning that fact, no, they were not overprotective of me. In fact, they teased me quite a bit.) Anyway, all of my brothers are married, meaning I finally have some sisters. I was a bridesmaid in all four weddings and the maid of honor in one of them. I’m not extremely close with any of my sisters-in-law, but I love them, of course. They’re family. My conundrum is that I also have four best friends -- two from high school and two from college
— whom I would like to be my bridesmaids. They’re like sisters to me, too. Only one of them is married so far, but I was a bridesmaid in her wedding. Now to the problem: Do I have to ask my sisters-in-law to be my bridesmaids? Or can I just ask my friends? I know that some brides today have eight (or more) bridesmaids, but I’d like to keep it to four. I have no idea what the etiquette here is. I’ve read things online saying that you should pick whomever you want because it’s your wedding, but I could use some objective and realistic advice. Thanks in advance. — Always a Bridesmaid, Now a Bride Dear Always: Do you have to ask your sisters-in-law to be bridesmaids? No. Should you? Yes, if you want to promote harmony in your family and grow closer with the women your brothers married. I know I’ll hear from readers insisting that reciprocity is not a stipulation of being a bridesmaid. Just because
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a bride included you in her wedding party does not mean you have to return the honor. I completely agree with that. But this is family. Though your sisters-in-law would probably not hold any grudges if you didn’t ask them, I’m certain they would forever be touched by the gesture if you did. Your best friends should understand that better than anyone. Dear Annie: “Tired of Wedding Freeloaders” does not appreciate wedding guests who attend the festivities but who give a gift
whose value is less than the cost of their participating. She considers a gift of $100 for two people an insult. Her opening sentence questioned how many times you go out to eat and expect a free meal. Your answer — to invite loved ones because you love them and want them there -- was adequate, but I feel it didn’t go far enough. “Tired” needs to realize that when people go out to eat, they always choose a restaurant they can afford. When they attend a wedding, their only choice is to go or not to go. They have no control over the
venue or the menu or the cost. Weddings can be simple or extravagant, but the bride is usually the one who makes most of the decisions. If the math does not work for her, she needs to scale back her wedding plans and/or invite fewer guests. — Imagine Dear Imagine: I absolutely agree with you, and I’ve advised other brides that way in the past. Thank you for adding that sentiment here.
Annie Lane’s column, “Dear Annie,” be found at creators.com.
PAGE 12 ■ FALL BRIDAL
THE HERALD ■ FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 2019
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