Bloom-Winter2014:
1/17/2014
1:22 PM
Page 29
Relationships from page 27
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school performances, meetings, social engagements,” says Henderson, a graduate of Virginia Commonwealth University and Eastern Mennonite University. “We are overloaded and don’t seem to know when to stop. “Our eyes are on our phones scanning one more email, one more Facebook message, one more voicemail that came through. We have a hard time saying ‘Enough is enough.’ ” According to the American Psychological Association, job stress frequently causes burnout, which is defined by emotional exhaustion and negative or cynical attitudes toward others, and even yourself. Burnout can cause irrational moods, which can lead to more argumentative relationships with loved ones, and even depression. Going home to a frustrating environment after a rough day can intensify those feelings. David J. Rissmeyer, licensed clinical social worker at the Center for Marriage and Family Counseling in Harrisonburg, says that this “stress cycle” can be detrimental to a number of personal relationships. “It can be seen as a vicious cycle,” he says. “You’re still emotionally affected by what had happened at [work], so it affects your behavior to a point where you begin to consistently isolate yourself. “Furthermore, if you’re in a bad mood from being at work, you’re not going to be in a fresh state of mind for reading your children or seeing how their day went.” Both Rissmeyer and Henderson mention the importance of harnessing this stress and not letting it pollute the home, above all. Though stress at work may be overwhelming, it is irresponsible to also make a child a victim of that situation, the counselors agree. “It’s good for children to know that [adults] struggle too, but it’s not good for them to carry that load,” explains Henderson. “If anything, it might be a good opportunity for the parents to set a good example of ‘being here now.’ … Let them know it was a rough day but I’m here with you now.”
Take time to decompress
Communication can be an elusive element for families in
these situations. A distressed individual may prefer to have some time away from the family — creating a barrier of sorts — in order to decompress after a difficult day at work. A parent may want seek solace in a part of the home that is separated from the rest of the family in order to wipe clean the slate that is her demeanor. Listening to music, watching television or even taking a walk may also serve as an outlet. Henderson points out that it is not uncommon for a partner to have “chill time” and “time to do what [they] want” after a long day’s work. While stealing moments for herself may seem brash to the other partner, Mom’s actions may actually benefit the relationship, as a whole.
Loose lips
Others prefer to open the lines of communication, talking with their respective spouse about a difficult day and venting about certain situations the moment they walk through the door. Some may even seek input as to how to handle a situation. While it may seem constructive to offer an ear for this daily debriefing, it can also be tough to maintain composure. As the partner is not directly involved in the situation, he may show signs of inattention, further frustrating the spouse. “That’s doesn’t mean I don’t love or care for you,” says Henderson, explaining the partner’s seemingly blasé attitude. “It just means I can’t be present any longer to listen.” One option may be to table the conversation until the following day, after the animated party has time to cool off. Yet communication remains paramount. Dr. Kristy Koser, certified emotionally focused couples therapist with Aporia Counseling and Psychotherapy in Harrisonburg, posits that a genuine conversation between spouses can aid in easing the tension. “I think for couples to have a really honest conversation on what they need in those moments would be helpful,” she says, adding that the person who is home first likely also had a challenging day. “Sometimes, for the person who has been at home, it may be good to stand there and just say, ‘Hug me. I need to know that you’ve missed me.’ ”
Finding time to unwind
Equally important to both individuals and families is building in time to unwind, local experts recommend. Consider using the drive home to decompress by moving past the stoplights and traffic spots. »See RELATIONSHIPS, Page 30
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