Grok Issue #6 2012 by Curtin Student Guild

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PUBLISHED BY THE CURTIN STUDENT GUILD

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ISSUE #6 - 2012

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ISSUE #6 2012 CONTACTS

Editorial - 9266 2806 Advertising - 9266 2908 Email - grok@guild.curtin.edu.au EDITOR - Hayley Davis LAYOUT - Rozanna Johnson COVER - Chloe Sellars Grok exists for entertainment purposes only. The views expressed therein are not necessarily that of the Curtin Student Guild. CONTRIBUTORS Grok would not exist were it not for the generous donation of time and effort from itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s contributors, to whom we are eternally grateful. (in no particular order) Joseph Wong Ian Seaborn Chloe Sellers James Sophi Trent Macri Connor White Stephanie Lane Anthony Pyle Athina Mallis Ali Kirke Sam Cavallaro Rachel McCann Michael MacKenzie Anthony Pyle Scott Donaldson Ian Seaborn Jarod Rhine-Davis Stacey Malacari

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France’s highest cultural distinction, the rank of officer in the Legion of Honour. Of course, it will not be the real Paul McCartney accepting the accolade. He couldn’t! The former Beatles member died in 1966...or so the theory goes. Clues are littered throughout Beatles music and art. Supposedly, if you play the song Revolution 9 from The White Album backwards (which kiddies, I highly recommend you do not do alone, drunk, or smoking any of the hippie lettuce because it will scare the living bajeesus out of you) you are meant to be able to hear the car crash in which he died and the words “turn me on, dead man”. In Leeming, the suburb in which I grew up there was a well known conspiracy for us kids born in the 90’s or earlier. Many would remember the ‘Leeming spaceship’ that permanently resided on the corners of Leach Highway and Karel Avenue. We all knew that it was a spaceship. In fact my brother had vivid dreams when he was younger of these aliens coming to abduct him and do all manner of strange experiments before returning him home. They were clever, and fooled my Mum into thinking he was just sleep walking. Then, about ten years ago, the spaceship mysteriously disappeared. If you google Leeming Spaceship there are accounts of it in Wikipedia. Even the band Jebediah referenced it in their songs.

Sooooo I guess you’re wondering who this really RIDICULOUSLY good looking lad is in this here, page two of Grok. Why, this is our editor!! Yes, yes

we know. We’re sorry to have lied to you. We thought we’d reveal our dirty little secret now before people start to get too curious about Hayley’s facial hair. It’s true friends. Our editor for 2012 is actually a man. Still a red head...but with testicles.

It is a relief to get that out of the way. It’s been weighing on us all year! And oh what a year it has been! In our last issue we talked a bit about irony being a distinctive feature of our generation. Way back in Issue #1 we said we wouldn’t swear or do provocative things just for the sake of it. We got on our soap box and said we’d have to have a reason for it. Needless to say, we’ve sworn, offended, got our gear off and polluted the campus mostly without rhyme or reason other than to get people talking; behaving ironically like some self fulfilling prophecy. Speaking of which (fuck what a brilliant segue), our last edition of Grok for 2012 is all about conspiracy theories!

Time sure flies by when you’re having fun! FUN FUN. We hope you’ve had as much fun as us at the CEC :) The Ignite Ball was a blast, as always. We partnered with the Curtin Commerce Club for the first time this year, and had an awesome sell-out crowd. Oh and not to mention the open bar and three course meal included in the ticket price! Thanks to all of you that made it a terrific night. It wouldn’t be as memorable as it is without you! (or as devoid of hired table ornaments) The CEC Annual General meeting took place on 12th September. It was a great opportunity to out what the CEC does. In case you missed out attending, the CEC is always looking for enthusiastic volunteers to help out in the committee. The CEC is a fun committee to work in and will give you something to put on your CV, meet new friends and industry contacts. If you are interested, we would love to hear from you - please email either CEC President, Hannah Edwards, or Vice President, Sven Colic at cec. club@gmail.com. Feel free to contact us at any time or just pop down to the Club office in the Engineering Pavilion. There’s usually at least one friendly committee member there who’d be happy to help or direct you to someone. Peace out.

But who is to know what is truly true or truly false. Actually, the McCartney rumour originated from another student magazine - the TimesDelphic of Drake University. This is not to say you need to question any of the authoritative words written here... We’d like to say a huge thankyou to you all for reading Grok this year. It’s been a blast. We’d love to hear more from you, our readers though, so be sure to send us some lovin’, requests and some straight-up, kick up the ass feedback. Just email grok@guild.curtin.edu.au. Til then, adios amigos!! Cheers, E.d aka Hayley Davis.

2 - your guild

Now, you don’t have to go far to find an elaborate conspiracy these days, a theory about even the most menial object - but one that will give you cancer, no doubt. I’m listening to Penny Lane by the Beatles at the moment. This week Paul McCartney will be awarded one of

What we have come across in the construction of this issue is a fine line between a need to be questioning and critical, and the fear of becoming paranoid. But are those fears founded? In such a technological world where so much is possible to lead us to believe that something is, proverbially, up? And on the more philosophical side of things, it is interesting to consider the fact that really, all we know is our own minds. We experience the world by seeing and smelling things ‘out there’, but really, we are only sensing the signals received, interpreted and manifested by our brain. In the end it is, as Descartes said, a case of “I think, therefore I am”. We could merely be, as Stephen Hawking hypothesised in Grand Designs, brains in jars, simply thinking we are what we perceive ourselves and our world to be.

Curtin Engineers Club

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2 Editorial 2 your guild

5 6

CLUB NEWS

your guild:

PRESIDENT

your guild:

VPs 7

your guild

FACULTY REPS

your guild:

IN AND AROUND THE GUILD

your guild:

An Open Letter to Curtin Uni

10 feature:

Nature’s Secret 12 feature:

Close Encounters of the Curtin Kind

Coffee Powers

Conspiracy Theory Theories

STUDENT ASSIST: Résumé Tricks

Damned Shit Carcinogen

Perth Conspiracies

Cover Illustrator Profile

13 feature: 14 feature: 16 advice:

18 feature:

19 feature: 20 feature:

22 feature:

24 23

Drag Racing

time wasters:

Do not do this crossword. CALENDAR

time wasters:

Watch out! Serious time wasters!

28 creative:

Never

29 creative:

Classified 30

time wasters:

It’s a conspiracy to waste your time!

32 creative:

Humid Mornings

34 feature:

Send in the Clowns

time wasters:

You do NOT want to crack this code!

38 feature:

The Economy of the Mermaid

40 creative:

Westwood

Northam Convergence

42 feature: 43 politics:

My Foreign Policy Never Came Out of Baggage Claim!

Authors of your outfit

Food & Music

44 fashion:

46 reviews: 47 reviews:

Games

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Ask Someone Better

3 - editorial

48 advice:

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Hasn’t time flown... Welcome to the last edition of Grok for 2013! I want to say a quick thanks to all of the students who have contributed to Grok in 2012, this all would not be possible without you. Thank you to the fabulous editor Hayley for your passion in taking Grok to a new level - it has been a true pleasure to work with you over the past year. This year for the Guild has been one full of student issues. I want to take a moment to highlight some of these:

system for students, and that we will continue to oppose PAYG into the future. Do they really think that we will ever roll over on this issue? Common First Year – We had numerous complaints from students within the Health Science Faculty regarding the effectiveness of the common first year. I was also approached by a couple of staff members regarding the unit’s design and delivery to the different students that sit within the faculty. We are still in communication with the Health Sciences’ and will be talking to them about how they plan to address the problems that have arisen.

SSAF – The Student Services and Amenities Fee has been the big focus of my presidency and nutting out the best deal for students. Through protracted negotiations we were able to secure 50% for 2012 and at the time of writing this are in the process of deciding the Guild’s allocated percentage for 2013. We have established for the next few years improvements to Services and Amenities on campus; everything from employing new Student Assist Officers, to increasing event budgets to be able to provide better entertainment. We are also upgrading a lot of our facilities to make them more user friendly and accessible.

Cutting of Courses at Curtin - This biggest cuts in courses have been within Humanities, notably the Art Department. It is a shame that a University that prides itself on a fantastic Gallery can’t even sustain the effective delivery of an Art degree. These cuts are in line with national trends across the sector where Universities are under pressure to cut courses that can’t generate research income.

PAYG – Sigh. I wish the University would understand that this is not an equitable

Bye…well.. forever! Ali K x

I wish next year’s President all the success for 2013 and I hope that you cherish and love the role as much as I have. It has been a pleasure to lead a team of dedicated student representatives who are out to make the University experience one to remember.

Humanities Faculty Rep

Guild Executive Guild President

Ali Kirke p: (08) 9266 2934 e: president@

Education Vice President Jess McLeod p: (08) 9266 2920 e: educationvp@

Activities Vice President Dave Farr p: (08) 9266 4578 e: activitiesvp@

General Secretary Joe Quick p: (08) 9266 2918 e: generalsecretary@

Faculty Reps Business Faculty Rep Noelle de Marigny p: (08) 9266 2764 e: business@

Health Sciences Faculty Rep Keturah Mudhan p: (08) 9266 3392 e: health@

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Michael Ball p: (08) 9266 2764 e: humanities@

Science & Engineering Faculty Rep Maz Rahman p: (08) 9266 3392 e: science@

Guild Departments CUPSA Chamonix Terblanche p: (08) 9266 4465 e: cupsacouncil@

Indigenous Department p: (08) 9266 3150 e: indigenous@

International Students Committee Amir Nouranioskoui p: (08) 9266 2910 e: isc@

Queer Department p: (08) 9266 3385 e: sexuality@

Women’s Department p: (08) 9266 3386 e: women@

Ali Kirke Curtin Student Guild President 2012

Other Contacts

University Contacts

Student Assist Officers

Graduations

p: (08) 9266 2900 e: reception@

Grok Magazine

p: (08) 9266 2900 e: grok@

Housing

Guild Clubs p: (08) 9266 3087 e: clubs@

Guild Recreation

p: (08) 9266 2900 e: rec@

Guild Tavern p: (08) 9266 2904 e: tavmanager@ All Guild email suffixes are: @guild.curtin.edu.au

(08) 9266 7115

Health Centre (08) 9266 7345

p: (08) 9266 4430 International Office p: (08) 9266 7331

Parking p:

(08) 9266 7116

Physiotherapy Clinic p:

(08) 9266 1210

Security p:

(08) 9266 4444

Dial 5 from any campus phone (24h)

Student Central – Bld 101 p:

(08) 9266 3399

Guild Reception

Student Fees

Building 106F Open: Mon-Fri 8:30am-5pm p: (08) 9266 2900 1800 063 865 (free call) e: reception@guild.curtin.edu.au w: www.guild.curtin.edu.au

Switchboard

p: p:

(08) 9266 3500 (08) 9266 9266

T.L Robertson Library p:

(08) 9266 7166

Uni Counselling p:

(08) 9266 7850

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the end of semester is already upon us and the summer break is calling.

18/09/2012 10:01:41 AM

Activities Vice President DAVE FARR

Hey folks!

So the end of semester is fast approaching, and while you put your heads down and start getting all those assignments in, the Guild will be here to provide you with some awesome events to keep you sane.

Club Olympics For all you students involved in Clubs out there, Club Olympics has arrived! Make sure you register your club now for all the action that will be happening on October 10th in the Guild Courtyard within Building 106 during common free time. There are heaps of hilarious events in store so don’t miss it.

Pasar Malam

A new look and a new location! Pasar Malam is moving to Sir Charles Court Promenade. Make sure you come down and try some of the amazing food that will be on offer from a wide range of cultures. This all ages event is open to the community and is easily the biggest event the Guild does at Curtin University. So bring your friends and family and join in the feast!

End of Semester Bash

We are super excited to announce that the Curtin Student Guild has managed to get Tonight Only in for our End of Semester Bash on October 12th. With the new song ‘Go’ reaching the number 1 spot on the ARIA charts, these boys are going to be ready to party! Make sure you head down and celebrate the end of another year with all your friends!

Education Vice President JESS MCLEOD

Hi everyone, The theme of this month’s Grok is conspiracy theory. To be honest, I don’t usually pay much attention to the themes, but this one is worth mentioning. Because while conspiracy theories can be popular, and occasionally amusing, you don’t actually need a conspiracy theory to come up with an explanation for the way things are.

As a nursing student I do not have a lucrative career in front of me. I have a difficult, but important and socially necessary job to do. Nurses enter the job with a debt for the privilege of learning how to be a nurse, we will face attempts to drive down our wages and make us work harder, yet we are the ones to face those who have to brave an underfunded health care system.

Students’ rights

It is important to look at things in terms of what is good for society, for the majority of people, and not the profits of a minority. The deliciously ironic advice of mining heiress, Gina Rinehart, on how to get ahead in life tells us a lot about the logic of those who control political and economic life: don’t complain, work harder, and forget about the small pleasures in life like socialising. It’s all about squeezing more out of the rest of us.

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Parking, fees and course cuts are perennial issues, and not just at Curtin but across the country. There have recently been a number of protests interstate where students have taken a collective stand to defend their rights. You can read updates on the current parking situation at: [www.guild.curtin.edu.au]. Unfortunately with the university being run like a business, instead of as a public institution for the public good, the cost is increasingly put onto the shoulders of individual students. Contrary to what we are told about how lucky we are to get an education, I actually think it is a right that should be granted and not a privilege for those who can afford it. I think that society benefits more from public education than the vast majority of those who go through the system. Sure, we will be qualified for particular jobs, but most of us will be greatly contributing to society – sometimes contributing more than what we receive in compensation for our sweat, blood and tears.

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This is the logic behind the government’s AND the university’s approach to education, to students’ rights, and indeed to the rights of workers, including our tutors and lecturers. Thankfully, we have numbers and we can organize. And this is what we will need to continue to do with the course and unit “rationalisation” (read: cuts) that have been flagged, and the increasing costs being pushed onto us. No, you don’t need a conspiracy theory to understand this. This the logic of the privileged maintaining their place in the world and the logic of profit before human need.

18/09/2012 10:01:42 AM

Science and Engineering

Business

Humanities

Health Sciences

NOELLE DE MAGRIGNY

MICHAEL BALL

KETURAH MUDHAN

MAZ RAHMAN

Hey Guys,

G’day everyone. At this point you’re probably pretty bogged down with assignments and exam study (if your humanities degree has exams), but just one last reminder that if things don’t go to plan, or you need a bit of help, the Guilds’ services will be here for you even after semester finishes. If you have issues with your grades or exam timetables drop me a line now and I’ll do my best to help. Also, if you’re interested in forming a Humanities faculty related club (e.g. a club that relates to a specific course or school), please get in touch. We’re always looking for new clubs in Humanities, and once you’ve filled out the forms it’s pretty straightforward to run events with Guild support.

Omg spring is here!! The sunshine is glorious and has put me in an extra jolly mood to write this column (I’m already pretty jolly when it comes around to Grokwriting time).

I saw the new candidate list for Guild positions next year, and whilst it’s been great working here at the Guild, I don’t think I could handle another year of campaigning and election stress. I am seriously looking forward to being a regular student again. A fond farewell to Prof Shelley Yeo, the Guild will miss you, enjoy your retirement. It was a an honour to work with you. I wish all of you luck in your exams, perhaps you’ll join me in the tav afterwards to have a little cry into a pint while I try and convince myself I didn’t epically fail. Enjoy your summer break, try to forget uni for a bit, and reclaim that social life you had to lock away in the closet. So this is me, signing out for the very last time. Peace out!

Almost there! Only five weeks till exams, the semester has gone by so quickly but there is still time for the fun stuff. On October 10th between 12pm and 2pm the Guild is holding the annual Club Olympics, this is where clubs get together and compete in games to win the title of best club. Make sure you come down and watch the festivities at some stage in between classes and cheer for your club. Also if you need a break from study come and visit me on Monday 1st of October between 11am-1pm near building 402 and 407, I am holding a free buffet style feast for students and its first in first serve for free food Hope to see you then, Noelle out. Contact me at business@guild.curtin.edu.au

One last point about the end of semester, please take a moment to fill out an Excellence in Teaching Award nomination form for any outstanding staff members you’ve come across. These awards are a great way to show your appreciation for exceptional staff members. I’ve had a pretty good two years at the Guild, and it’s been great to see the University respect and act on input given to it by students (except for parking…). All the best to next year’s reps and council, it’s already shaping up to be an interesting one. Cheers to everyone that’s played a part; from friends to Guild and University staff, it’s been a great experience. I’ve never been good at goodbyes, or jokes, so I’ll give the lame joke a miss this time. But if you ever buy an export at the Tav and wonder who had the glorious idea of selling it there, well, you can thank this guy. For the last time; Cheers, Balls out xx

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Firstly a huge congratulations to the Therapy Students Association, Biomedical Science Club, Psychology Student Association and the Health Promotion Student Association for organising the Curtin Red Carpet Health Ball! Thank you for all your dedication and hard work in getting that fantastic event from an idea to a highly successful event that was enjoyed by hundreds of health science students from across the faculty. Also, much gratitude for the students who did attend, you will go down in history as the pioneers of a new Health Science student tradition! On Thursday 27th September there is a resume-review workshop happening in our own back yard. Rock up to the fishbowl (401.174) between 2-4 pm and have a chat about your resume with staff from the Curtin Careers Centre. This is a free event and will be tailored for health science students, so please take advantage of this awesome initiative! If you would like more information you can shoot me an email at health@ guild.curtin.edu.au or give me a buzz on 9266 3392. This is my last Grok, so I’m just going to make this short. No point making this harder than it needs to be alright? So…I guess I’ll see you around…maybe. Hopefully. Call me?

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And just like that, another semester and another year is coming to an end. So too is my term as your faculty rep. It has been an interesting two years as a rep, and three overall at the Guild. It will be sad to leave the place I’ve called home for the past 3 years. I have a feeling that it’s going to take a while to clean my office out, all the fac reps have kinda accumulated a lot of random stuff over the year. Anyone need toys for pet mice?

18/09/2012 10:01:42 AM

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18/09/2012 10:01:46 AM

AN OPEN LETTER TO CURTIN UNIVERSITY

from the Curtin Student Guild President

The article by the West Australian that questioned why Universities have Taverns was definitely the catalyst that started the ball rolling. Ever since that article, the Guild has come under increased scrutiny for the events we have, the way we promote the Tav, and the incidents that occur within it. Suggestions (although short lived) were even made to close the Tav down. The Curtin Student Guild supports the responsible consumption of alcohol and maintains that while it is important for students to be aware of the risks associated with alcohol use, the use of harm reduction strategies will ultimately be more effective than enforcing alcohol restrictions. To that end, the Guild operated Tavern on campus is compliant with the Responsible Service of Alcohol requirements and adheres to all relevant legislation in its operation.

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The University should not attempt punish all students under the assumption that they have not been educated in regards to the health risks associated with alcohol. We should also not be punished because some dickhead had too many bevvies at the Tav and canâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t control his emotions. Perceptions about alcohol use are formed long before students undertake University, usually within high school peer groups and in the family home. University students are adults and should be treated as such. We are mature enough to make informed decisions and accept the consequences of our actions. The Guild has done a lot to promote non-alcoholic events, ranging from the series of O-vents, to one of the largest events on campus, Pasar Malam. This is something we take great pride in doing. We have and will continue to operate in the best interests of students. Letâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s just hope you will do the same. Sincerely, Ali Kirke 2012 Guild President.

9 - your guild

One thing that has unexpectedly dominated my time in the past few months has been issues around young people and binge drinking and the associated effects this has on surrounding community members. I have attended numerous meetings and met a lot of people about this issue and also had some heated debates within the Guild.

18/09/2012 10:01:47 AM

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18/09/2012 10:01:48 AM

S ’ E R U NAT

t e r sec Ian Seaborn

Animals on drugs, morally and ethically wrong? Probably. Funny as hell? Definitely.

The Wallaby Our first culprit is the Wallaby, a pissy little animal that couldn’t quite become a Kangaroo. Farmers in Tasmania have reported seeing the fury bandits munching on poppy plants that are grown for opium used by pharmaceutical companies. The pint-sized mammal eats a large amount of the plant and then continues to frolic around the poppy field, presumably tripping the fuck out.

Tragically, in 2010 Charlie died aged 52, ten years older than the life expectancy of a Chimpanzee. I like to think he is floating on a smoke cloud in heaven, surrounded by bananas, bitches and awesomeness.

In 2009 the Attorney General was quoted saying “We have a problem with Wallabies entering poppy fields, getting as high as a kite and going around in circles.” This could perhaps explain crop circles that were seen in the area. However, they are more likely caused by Goats on speed.

Shrews in Malaysia have taken to the grog like Matthew Newton to an open bar. The unfortunately named animal regularly throws back the nectar of the Bertam Palm, which contains 3.8 per cent alcohol.

This is no laughing matter though…apparently. When the animal is restricted from indulging on the plant it suffers withdrawal. I say be careful of wallabies with blood shot eyes. They may be carrying weapons. And they will steal your wallet for crack money. Perhaps they smash back the drug in order to forget the shame of being one of Australia’s most boring animals.

The Chimpanzee Our next addict worthy of an honourable mention is our relative the chimpanzee, who essentially ‘takes’ anything they can get their damned dirty ape paws on. More specifically though this playful primate has regularly been seen smoking. In Henan, China a Chimp in the province’s zoo regularly takes up the pastime to relieve sexual frustration. Just further evidence that they are our closest relatives… Possibly the most ‘bad ass’ animal to grace our dear planet was Charlie the Chimpanzee from Johannesburg, South Africa.

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Our banana breathing brother Charlie was a chain smoker for a large part of his life. When the zoo that Charlie called his pimp crib became concerned with bad publicity, they attempted to end his dirty habit. Instead of giving in to the man, Charles the champion bummed cigarettes from tourists by copying the hand gesture that smokers make.

The Shrew

Unfortunately though, the animal metabolizes the alcohol far too quickly and you will not see any sloshed Shrews trying to glass a bouncer or pass out in their own vomit. Instead, after digestion the alcohol laces the shrew’s fur. I believe that they kill shrews and boil the fur in order to make tequila, but I’m only right most of the time.

The Reindeer Apparently Rudolf, Santa’s most famous helper, may have had a glowing nose for a reason. Turns out the cheeky, red nosed bastard was probably on ‘Shrooms.’ This is not a result of a wild trip to Bali, but rather Reindeer in Europe consume the naturally growing Amanita Muscaria Mushroom. The flipped out fungus acts as a psychoactive drug. Ironically enough, scientists are of the belief that the reindeer run around experiencing the feeling that they are flying. Apparently whoever dreamed up the idea of Santa’s reindeer thought it would be funny to strap rockets to the poor buggers and flop a fat man on their back. I think the humane thing to do would have been to draw the line at the rockets.

11 - feature

That’s right, animals are Snoop dogging it up, and not just recently either. No, our beastly companions have been ‘shooting up’ like an action movie for a long time now.

18/09/2012 10:01:49 AM

close encounters of the curtin kind Anthony Pyle

I started at Curtin in 2010 and since then I’ve noticed something strange. In all honesty,

fear has kept me from speaking out. To start with it was just a few people here and there, in one or two courses; then it happened. By week four of each semester, class numbers dwindled and class mates I had made efforts to become friends with, vanished from the face of the Earth. I raised questions to their whereabouts, some teachers saying they moved to other classes, although I never saw them around campus or at lectures anymore. Other teachers knew nothing of these students existence. I didn’t let it bother me then, and I continued my course as planned.

There was also the false sense of safety that had been created by those above. Security guards faded from campus, replaced with mere imitations. Cardboard cut outs of security guards posted against buildings. If you only looked once, you might have thought you were the safest you’ve ever been. Look again and you’ll notice how alone you are. I know all I have is speculation, but I’m certain I know what’s happening now. Aliens from a planet

far away are taking our best and brightest from this planet to their home world. They first brain wash the students, which I can only imagine takes four weeks from coming onto campus. Those triangle platforms must let off some sort of brain wave that converts normal students into drones. Once the brain washing is complete they move to their base of operations which is the silent zone on the top level of the library. Here is where no suspicious activity would be disturbed as long as it was silently performed. They wait here to be retrieved, and then they ascend that last flight of stairs in the library that no student dares access. The roof is where the spaceship lands. Without witnesses and without danger, they take the Curtin students away. Now I pass this information onto you remaining students of Curtin. It is unlikely you will ever see me, or know me. They will likely come for me now, and I will vanish from Curtin completely. If you ask about me, you will hear that I graduated, that I have some nice job over east, or some other great lie. Please don’t believe them, and watch the skies.

12 - featured

Still the thought of vanishing students plagued me. I walked around campus more cautiously now. I noticed things that I didn’t before. How some students erected triangle platforms in the middle of walkways and on grass verges. They would gather round them and stare intently. If only I had the patience to wait around and see what happened next, but I was busy, and slightly scared.

Then there was the parking issue. Students would often discuss how they could never park at university. I had the same problem, but it couldn’t be connected to the disappearances. A few late night lectures later I changed my mind. Walking back to my car at 7pm I’d see masses of cars still parked, but I hadn’t passed any students walking through campus. The campus was dead. Could these cars be the last remains of the missing students, parked forever, with no one left to collect them?

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18/09/2012 10:01:49 AM

coffee powers Joseph Wong

I yell, and beat my chest with my free hand. My friend gently pats my shoulder, tells me that my face is addicted; and that I should switch to tea. I am messing with something far more powerful and deadly than the overpriced mocha from the library café. In the 15th Century, Muslims discovered coffee. In the same century, the last bastion of the Roman Empire fell to the Ottoman Turks. I like to think that it wasn’t firepower, advanced tactics or better generals that powered the conquering Turks. It was coffee.

Imagine if coffee wasn’t available for a day. Curtin’s campus would be littered with students snoozing in the cafeteria. Violence would erupt in silent zones where snorers push irritated coffee addicts to their limits. Agitated librarians would rip the limbs off any student who sets off the library’s entrance alarms. Perth, as a servicebased state would be brought to its knees. The engineering and architecture buildings would become wastelands (assuming guarana has been embargoed as well).

Currently, the coffee market is worth close to 30 billion dollars, in an industry dominated by four monolithic food companies (Kraft General Foods, Nestle, Proctor & Gamble and Sara Lee). This makes these comanies extremely powerful.

It’s not only humans who are dependent on coffee; it’s economies as well. When Vietnam began to export coffee to the world, Brazil’s economy shrank as buyers began to favour Vietnamese coffee bean growers.

Currently, there are no governing unions which set fair prices for coffee, making it possible for these multinational companies to control countries simply by buying more or less, inflating or deflating the price of coffee beans. Impacting the economies of coffee producing countries.

Coffee contains caffeine, which blocks acetylcholinesterase, a chemical that tells your brain that it’s sleepy. In other words, it increases focus, alertness and body coordination. The more focus something requires, the more shots of espresso. It’s a drug that stimulates the central nervous system.

Not surprisingly, it’s the world’s second most traded commodity; second only to oil. In the same way some countries have oil as their major export, other countries are completely dependent on the production of the coffee bean. For instance, Ethiopia, Burundi and Uganda have their economic backbones twisted around the coffee plant.

In large enough amounts, it’s easy to get addicted to it. I’ve told anyone who would listen that I’m not addicted to that liquid. However, when I tried going without my fix for a day, I had mild headaches, drowsiness and a constant irritability. Tea was no help and I realized I was addicted to coffee. It’s the last memory I had before falling asleep.

With the right management of the precious plant, it’s even possible to revive a region through the cultivation of coffee beans. Andrew Rugasira, a coffee entrepreneur, intends to revive the Kasese area in Uganda with the sale of quality coffee beans. He’s doing pretty well too, with the region recently enjoying higher incomes and better technology.

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What if there wasn’t a governing union that set fair prices for coffee? At first, there was the International Coffee Organization. When the ICO lost their major backers (USA), prices for coffee plummeted as the organization lost power.

Perhaps I’m being paranoid (mostly because I’ve been sipping too much coffee too early in the morning). Worse things could happen. It would be far worse if they decided to not sell coffee at all. I don’t even want to imagine the pandemonium. Maybe we could get used to having Redbull poured into our shiny white cups, maybe we couldn’t. It’s just too depressing to even think about.

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“My face is not addicted to this cup,”

18/09/2012 10:01:50 AM

CONSP

IRACY THEORY THEORIES 14 - feature

Jarod Rhine-Davis

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18/09/2012 10:01:51 AM

The government is out to get us: steal our wives, take our money, and make us vote Labor. The moon landing was faked

buy me ice-cream afterwards. But what I can say is that all this has gotten much worse since 9/11.

Wikipedia defines conspiracy theories as “FUCK YOU JIMMY WALES”.

No matter how hard we try to protest, we are a product of our society. Our culture and our language construct our reality, and there is little chance of escaping it. Ever heard of the norm? Common sense? Human nature? All of ‘em don’t exist. Objectively, anyways. According to Western ideologies, you stick your thumbs up if you want to approve of something. In other cultures, that might be a signal to go have ultra kinky sex. We are so used to following blindly what others tell us to do and how to behave that we forget these habits have roots that are sociological geographical, economic, historic, political. We have a tendency to box those who question the norm - not the contentious issues in society, but the authority just under the surface. the stuff that no one usually bothers to even talk about - and label them as the “crazy crackpot”.

so the US could beat Russia in the space race. Aliens are experimenting with human contact by shoving dildos up people’s asses. But when you get to the crux of it, what do we really know about conspiracy theories – beyond a very simple, generic, and rather vague understanding?

Now, when I first saw this, it seemed to be a very narrow view of the concept. I mean, sure, Jimmy is out to achieve world domination from his humble site that is actually full of pro-US propaganda, and one of the defining factors of determining US elections. *breathes into a paper bag* But then I checked the revision history, and sure enough, that was a piece of vandalism (though, a thoroughly enjoyable one). The actual definition the site provides says that CTs describe events or ideas “as being the result of an alleged plot by a covert group or organization or, more broadly, the idea that important political, social or economic events are the products of secret plots that are largely unknown to the general public.” Ever noticed that we’re in an age of fear and paranoia? Well, it’s been like this since human history began but recently it’s gotten much worse. There has always a dichotomy in society between security and liberty. And the more you have of one, the less you have of the other. How can his be? Well, we want both! Why can’t we have both? Well, my dear dear chums, let me put it to you this way: CCTV records people’s every moves on the streets. And that is totally an invasion of privacy, right? You don’t want to feel like you’re in an episode of Big Brother as you walk into a stripper bar, but when we start thinking about it well, Jim Carrey eat your heart out. Thinking about this can make you feel exposed and vulnerable. But it is permitted. We permit it. Why do we agree to this seeming voyeurism? Because the cameras can be used to catch criminals, thereby keeping the streets safer – you can walk into that stripper bar without fear of being mugged on the way. And that theory has proved foolproof now hasn’t it?

It’s a majority rules game. We hate change, and by stopping people with alternative views from making them mainstream, we get to stick with our comfy lives. But ever noticed that many times throughout history, a concept that was labelled insane by society has become the norm, the conservative. Even looking at the 20th century, we can see three major discourses shining through, all involving the newly acquired rights of types of people in society: women and homosexuals. Two hundred years ago, didn’t we think it was common sense that all of these demographics should be destined to be second-class citizens? Thank god for those people who throughout history have come along and fought against the government, and the monarchy, and the church, and any other groups that were perpetrating injustices, to do what was right. And why do people not engage in change? Perhaps for laziness, yes. But perhaps also for fear. Or more specifically, fear of what the powerful would do to them. Think about it: this has happened time and time again when someone has come along with an alternate view and threatened to throw the social order out of whack. In these cases, those in power would very probably end up losing their influence because the way they had forced their disciples to live and behave was deemed to be wrong (Case study: The French Revolution). The powerful would try to hide any wrongdoing, and label the person as a crackpot, and the population would blindly follow along, and the political landscape would turn into one crazy person against the “normal” rest.

And then we go back to the point before: that it’s also a numbers game. In some cases, each individual member of society secretly want to join, but are afraid of what everyone else will think. It would be interesting to see how often we feel alone and solitary in our thoughts when everybody else is also thinking the same thing. This type of thing happened throughout Germany’s response to the Holocaust. Lots of people thought that what Hitler wanted to do was intrinsically right. Some were indifferent. Many people disagreed with the philosophies driving that Nazi Party and were just scared. It can be hard to suggest an opposing view of how things could be, against the driving philosophies of the age, without being branded as a heretic. Even more difficult is to keep thinking about all these things with a clear mind, when the nature of the argument may mean the whole thing is caught up in emotion. There’s also a fine line between critically analysing and questioning things, or being paranoid. I actually believe that conspiracy theories, when you get down to it, are all about what some people don’t want you to hear and about other people telling you all about it. Oh but we like our nice life full of iPods, and COD, and music that sounds like cats howling out in pain, and Big Brother. But what if you were forced to listen? What if you had no choice? What if your hand was already fiddling with this magazine, ready to turn the page into a wondrous world of controversial and secret ideas? Are you ready?

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So pretty much this dichotomy has always been going on, and the people in power have always tried to use these feelings as a political tool to try to make us give up more and more of our freedoms for the sake of our liberty. You might say that’s a conspiracy theory in itself. I’d nod guiltily and cry to my mum…and then ask her to

When the people in power start to abuse their rights, most people choose to play along for the sake of their lives. But some throughout history have thought there may be some stories that are not being told. Need the name Julian Assange and the multitude of conspiracies currently surrounding him even be mentioned?

But is the person doing anything wrong? All they are asking is for those who make important decisions to be held accountable. Because there is this notion of supposed information that is not being revealed, because it will damage the integrity of the thing it relates to, the person will then start to examine the authority closely, and try to work out what lies [lie] beneath. They will start to wonder what they’re not saying, and say this to anyone who will listen.

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18/09/2012 10:01:51 AM

The Trick to Writing a Winning Résumé isn’t Top Secret... or is it? Your Résumé/CV is like your own personal advertisement; it should be easily digestible, and easy to read, taking into account the assumption that someone will read it from start to finish. With that in mind a lot of people expect university students to just know how to write a winning résumé, some university students can, and some need a little more guidance. Often, writing a résumé is like unlocking a secret formula and once you have that formula it is an easy process from there. The incentive for most students in developing their résumé is that it may give them an opportunity to get their dream job, or at least provide a stepping stone to launching their professional career. Now some of us have had employment history, some of us haven’t. Whether you have or haven’t it doesn’t matter, but what does matter is how you use your skills and knowledge to make yourself appealing to potential future employers. There are many different types and styles of résumés but the “Reverse Chronological Résumé” (in which your latest achievements are listed first) is widely accepted as the most universal, not only because it is the most common, but it has a straightforward layout, it focuses on your most recent education and employment history, and demonstrates the growth and continuity in your profession. This type of résumé can be adapted to most positions, however keep in mind some professions have specific résumé formats. Some of you may be familiar with the headings used in a résumé but just in case you’re not, the Reverse Chronological Résumé usually includes the following headings: • Personal and contact details • Career objectives (optional) • Skills & abilities (this is useful if you don’t have much work experience) • Education and qualifications (include secondary and university qualifications) • Work experience and employment history (this includes voluntary and paid work)

16 -- creative advice

• Special awards and achievements • Professional development (if relevant)

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• Publications (optional) • Other interests • Referees So far so good. Now this is when the top secret information comes to into play. To make a résumé appealing and help you sell yourself, it should cover the 6 SUPER SKILLS & ABILITIES: •

Communication skills

•

Analytical or problem-solving skills

•

Management and Leadership skills

•

Organisational and Administrative skills

•

Technical skills

•

Team work.

Now you don’t just write those, you match them to the style of job you are applying for. Make sure you use short descriptive sentences and action verbs, such as; conducted, advised and accomplished. In order to come up with the most appropriate skills to include, it might be helpful to make a list of both your professional and personal skills and abilities e.g. Communication skills, you might refer to public speaking or customer service skills.

#Hint, use the words in the job advertisement to help boost your résumé. Also, make sure that all the spelling is correct, you avoid abbreviations (for instance BsC or Bach) and that there are no grammatic errors. Don’t write sentences that are long winded or conversly, sentences that are too short. Don’t write in first person, and most importantly; be truthful. A good way to tarnish a résumé is by writing false information and then ending up in an interview where you aren’t able to back up your statements. (This looks really bad.)

Student Assist is the welfare department of the Curtin Student Guild. Mandy, Simon and Juliana are there to support all students, postgrad and undergrad, with any personal, welfare or academic issues. Their services are free for all Curtin students and cover things like • Leave of Absence • Deferral from Study • Assessment Appeals • General Appeals • Appealing terminations • Plagiarism and Academic Misconduct • Withdrawing or Changing Courses • Career and resume help • Centrelink difficulties • Discrimination and harassment • Finances • Health and wellbeing issues • Time management help • Study skills advice • Tenancy advice • And more….

Student Assist is completely confidential and will help make your life at University that little bit easier. You can drop by Guild Reception (Building 106F) or you can make an appointment at a time that is convenient to you. Call Reception on 9266 2900 or email reception@guild.curtin.edu.au

For further top secrets; CONTACT STUDENT ASSIST Call Guild reception on 9266 2900 or 1800 063 865 for country callers Email: reception@guild.curtin.edu.au or drop in to building 106F (Curtin Student Guild Reception)

Our biggest secret... pay special attention to the visual presentation of your résumé and avoid errors such as; large page breaks, inconsistency, messy spacing, etc. KEEP IT SIMPLE! Ok, so now that we’ve let you in on a few of the tricks to writing a great résumé, you should also know that there are few more secrets to nailing that dream job. Things like constructing a cover letter, writing a statement of claims and addressing the selection criteria, but that’s another story.

18/09/2012 10:01:51 AM

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DVH 25640 FP GROK17finalindd.indd 1 GROK#6_2012.indd

20/09/2012 3:47:17 2:14:38PM PM 20/09/2012

Damned shit carcinogen Athina Mallis

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Microwaves, bus stations, mobile phones, toasters, unvented stoves, radio masts and x-rays. All of these pieces of technology mentioned above can cause cancer, according to epidemiologists. My father has a theory about microwaves. He believes that they are in the same league as cigarettes because when they first were invented people said they were harmless and good for you. Now they can cause cancer and kill you. So apparently one day a study will show how microwaves can actually make you sick and then the government will pass a bill making their signage olive green because apparently it doesn’t attract buyers so less sales will happen therefore less deaths. (Woo go humanity!) So guys think before you buy microwaves, think about how an extra 5 minutes of heating something up on the stove could actually save you 5 years of your life. I think I’ve heard microwaves being referred to as the devils oven before.

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I’m sure everyone who is reading this has a mobile phone, if not, well then I’m sure you have fun with your mum more than I do with my mates on a weekend. Anyway, for those who do have a phone you’ve probably been told that putting it up to your ear when talking to someone gives you a brain tumour. Some studies have been shown that phones can give you tumours and others have shown that they can’t. So it is still up in the air whether or not someone can get a tumour from using their phone. So keep on using your phones the way you want to, up to your ear or hands free and if you get a tumour then we can safely say mobile phones are killing us. Remember when you were a kid and you watched about an hour of playschool, sesame street and a little bit of the angry beavers and then suddenly mum and dad stormed into the room, switched of the TV and said to you ‘no more TV, it gives you square eyes!’ I definitely do, I still get told it today and I’m nearly 20 years old. So the theory is too much television can give you square eyes. To be honest when I was little I believed it and did think that suddenly

I would have eyes shaped as Ray Bans. Now I think it’s a little bit ridiculous how a rectangle or square screen can physically change the shape of your eyes if stared at for too long. In the past couple of years a new form of electronic payment has been introduced, pay pass. It is where you can put your card on a machine without putting in a pin or signing anything and it automatically takes out money. With some machines and cards there are a limit to how much you can spend in one transaction. Some people have been very sceptical about this as apparently there are some devices which can scan cards and take money out electronically like the pay pass machines. I have a pay pass card and I am actually in love with it. I love walking up to a machine with one item and I can just gently tap my card on the pay pass machine, hear a beep and walk off. However, this does mean that I spend more money than I ever had before. Maybe this is why I am as poor as the Greeks at the moment. Nevertheless, pay pass can be used for good and evil!

18/09/2012 10:01:52 AM

PERTH CONSPIRACIES Michael MacKenzie

Every morning, thousands of Perth residents take the train. Nine hundred and ninety nine out of every thousand of those leave unsatisfied (the other leaves unconscious in an ambulance). It ruins their entire day; they write lengthy Facebook statuses and make frustrated comments to their coworkers about how “Transperth needs to sort its shit out.” Meanwhile, there’s war in Syria, there’s a federal deficit, and people are being eaten by white pointers at Cottesloe. Those are big issues. Serious ones, which really matter, and can’t be fixed easily. But those aren’t the ones youre thinking about. Because every morning, as you’re about to consider that headline about the carbon tax, some kid down the end of the carriage starts playing Party Rock Anthem out of his stolen smartphone. You fill with inconsolable rage. Why is this kid doing this to you? Doesn’t he realise you have a twelve hour shift today? More importantly though, why is Transperth letting this kid do this to you? Because you’re SUPPOSED to hate them. In 1996, a decision was made by Liberal premier, Richard Court, to privatise Transperth bus and train services. Transperth was taken out of Government control. Or was it? The truth is, the government still owns and runs these services, but under the falsehood of “privatisation”. Transperth is the state government’s scapegoat. It’s where everybody directs their daily rage, until they are complacent shells of people. It is Colin Barnett’s Emmanuel Goldstein. Think about it. Transperth is doing absolutely EVERYTHING wrong. Trains are late, services are regularly “disrupted” because of constant construction, you have to travel into Perth just to get from Armadale to Midland, student ID’s aren’t really student ID’s, and guards turn a blind eye when you’re being mugged. Nobody could get a business THAT wrong. Every single Orwellian “you can’t rewind your actions, but we can” sign, or $100 fine for accidentally buying a student ticket with only a valid Curtin ID, and not a SmartRider, to prove it, or rail replacement bus which deviates an hour from the train line, is carefully manufactured to keep you furious, and complacent.

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There Is a Secret Garden Where All The International Bands Play: If you’ve ever walked past the Perth Concert Hall, you may have noticed a large and particularly beautiful garden directly to its west. You’ll have to look over a fence to see it though, as its closed to the public. This is absolutely true. It’s the backyard of “something government related”, and has its own pond, several (always empty) park benches, and enough space to create living areas for at least a hundred homeless people. (It also has easily climbable fences, so if you want to check it out, here are the Google Earth co-ordinates: 31°57’28.12”S, 115°51’43.76”E.) What makes this a conspiracy theory though, is not that there’s a really nice garden which has been deemed too nice for the public, it’s that this garden is the single reason there never seems to be any large international bands coming to Perth. Somebody is paying extraordinary amounts of money to have bands play only in this one, private venue. Radiohead, Eminem and Bomb The Music Industry! What do these three have in common? All these acts skipped Perth during their Australian tours, but suspiciously, were rumoured to have visited the garden. There’s a whole underground subculture devoted to this theory; some call them crazy, but they call themselves “Garden Watchers”. Some say the government became aware of this group, when they intercepted a morse code message; “we saw Marshall knocking on the gate; perhaps three times, maybe four,” in reference to Eminem’s 2011 “no-show”. Sometimes bands can’t even find the secret garden, and accidentally play in the nearby Supreme Court Gardens. Muse made this easy mistake in 2007, and later wrote the ironic track Guiding Light, about how there were no available guiding lights to locate the secret garden. So who’s paying for all these private shows? Is it one of Gina Rinehart’s children? Is it Troy Buswell’s publicist? Nobody really knows. But if you do want to see Radiohead’s show this year, on the 19th of November, remember to stop by Perth’s secret garden.

The Belltower Is a Refugee Deterrent: Imagine this, you’ve been at sea for three months in a metal tub; your kids are starving, your wife isn’t sleeping, and you haven’t been able to feel your legs for days. You’re about to row into the shore when you see it. A giant green spire, with glass panels, and ungodly tuneless sounds coming from within. You know one thing, and one thing only; you’re not in Kansas anymore, Toto. Whatever bizarre new world you’ve floated into, you know that the scientific experiments they must be using the spire for aren’t ones you’d like to be present during. Afraid of this new science, this giant green intergalactic laser weapon, or whatever it is, you turn around and go back to Sri Lanka. The belltower strikes twelve, and businessmen block their ears, unaware of the invasion they just avoided. It is Perth’s unsung hero. Standing proud and tall, as if aroused by the beautiful Swan River, her brown tides of bobbing Coke bottles and sharks. A true phallic symbol of the patriarchal west, not afraid to stand erect, towering over its subsidiaries - women and foreigners. Blokey and rough, but also neatly trimmed, with its peculiar pointed tip, which it is definitely not ashamed of. Along with the strange grey leafshaped building adjacent to it, in which people enter optimistic, and leave disappointed, no refugee would ever hope for a better life here.

Colin Barnett Only Cares About The Wealthy Residents of Perth: Nope, this one’s definitely true.

19 - feature

You’re Supposed to Hate Transperth:

18/09/2012 10:01:53 AM

20 - feature GROK#6_2012.indd 20

18/09/2012 10:01:55 AM

Introducing our cover illustrator... My name is Chloé Elizabeth. I

like to express my style through a pastel palette, classicism influences and sweet stories encased inside my head. I capture the whimsical, childish and clandestine characters from my mind. My works are created through the combination of both traditional drawing and digital rendering. Currently I am studying Illustration and Photography Design at Curtin (part time) alongside a commissioned illustration job. I illustrate children’s books, put my work in local exhibitions and designed this years Grok covers. Within my art I like to subtly infuse dreams, stories and my own opinions of the modern world in a pleasing and sweet visual aesthetic. Most of my pieces are intertwined with an idea or a vision of a piece with interrelated meanings and techniques that capture my thought process, or ideal means of the aesthetic. I am hugely inspired by Classicism, Pop Surrealism, modern conspiracies and the environment. I like for people to feel a sense of wonder and mystery when engaging with the pieces I make, and let the viewer bring their own meaning and thoughts to them. This makes the subject individual to everyone. It was a pleasure illustrating for Grok this year - really pushing my boundaries and developing my style as an artist and getting to know a few new faces along the way.

IMAGES by Chloe Sellars Left Suicide Mouse.avi, 2012 graphite, ink, digital rendering Bottom Left Hollow Heart, 2011 graphite, watercolour, acrylic, textiles, digital rendering. Bottom Centre Totem Dreams, 2012 graphite, ink, digital rendering Bottom Right современный первоцвет, 2011 graphite, ink, digital rendering

The story goes, that after a high authority member found the tape, and he exited the room saying “Real suffering is not known” seven times before he then committed suicide. The piece I did for this conspiracy was strongly inter related with my mental state at the time. I was feeling worn down, stressed and anarchic and the dark world of the internet was dragging me back in away from reality, much like the quote. Whether the story was real still remains unknown and negotiable to the viewer. © Chloé Elizabeth Illustrations

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The piece I did titled ‘Suicidemouse.avi’ (shown to the left) plays across a few chaotic ideas whirling around my head at the time. Inspired by different tales of snuff, creepypasta.com stories and unachievable female ideals, this illustration really grew from a darker place of intrigue in

my mind. Suicidemouse.avi is also the title of a video, supposedly a Walt Disney cartoon made in 1930 but kept hidden in the Disney vaults, only viewable by staff members. A copy of this video was uploaded to youtube in 2009 (it’s authenticity is debated). It shows Mickey Mouse walking along a street in front of some buildings. It is not the regular, sprightly Mickey Mouse though - he is looking at his feet, frowning. The music in the background is eerie and sounds like people talking backwards. Suddenly you can hear a woman’s high pitched, blood curdling scream and Mickey Mouse’s face flips to a pleased smile, the background image then begins to warp. After the warping is so far gone that it looks like a hallucinated dream, the scene cuts to a man’s silhouette standing in a door way with the words ‘The sight of hell brings the viewer back in’. Mickey’s face starts falling apart and colours start to appear in the cartoon that shouldn’t have been possible in animation at the time it was made.

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18/09/2012 10:01:57 AM

Over the past decade, the City of Perth has seen a sharp decline in the quality of its nightlife, particularly in the Northbridge area. In response, in

22 - feature

2008 a then-top-secret ‘Nightlife Welfaredness’ commission was formed, whose mission was to determine why this decline was taking place. Six months ago, the commission came to a unanimous conclusion, filing then-top-secret reports detailing that a great excess of gold and silver change is to be blamed. It was found that over 90% of the local, interstate, and international visitors to over 90% of the bars and clubs in the city were all found be ending nights with large amounts of change – over 90% of the average amount – the possession of which was found to be detrimental to both the human spirit and physical wellbeing of themselves and those around them. This has since, of course, raised the question of why. Why are some bars and clubs charging $10.05 for drinks, leaving visitors with $4.95 in change per drink? Why do they feel the need to fill our purses, pockets and wallets with tender that, for all intents and purposes, is completely useless to those in an inebriated state? Since rising these questions, the City of Perth put into place a then-top-secret ‘Change Redistributification and Weigh-Downedness Analysation’ investigatory commission, whose job was to determine the source of the excess change and the reasoning behind the gross mismanagement of it by clubs and bars, and to

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further investigate the effects of overexposure to said change. The ‘Change Redistributification and Weighdownedness analysation’ commission has since concluded that the only reasonable explanation for the huge increases in change is that the nightlife ‘hotspots’ are being controlled by a shadowy league of financially challenged amateur drag racers who may or may not refer to themselves as The League of Financially Challenged Amateur Drag Racers. The commission’s reasoning is as follows: On an average Saturday night (i.e. where both the weather conditions and opportunities to “yolo” and “gangnam style” are average), the typical Northbridge visitor will purchase around seven drinks, costing $10.55 each. This means, that by the end of the night, the average visitor will be left with $31.15 in gold and silver change, with the weight of said change weing about 270.41 grams. A typical group of five visitors will accumulate an average of 1280.4 grams of change by the end of a night, taking into account that the one designated driver would have accumulated slightly less change by supposedly purchasing fewer drinks. This extra weight, though insignificant as it may seem, does have a very, very small adverse effect on the acceleration of the average nonperformance passenger vehicle. To most professional drag racers, this change would be so insignificant that it may as well not even be

worth mentioning, but for financially-challenged amateur drag racers, this slight change can spell the difference between winning and losing – hence their secretive takeover of most of the bars and clubs within the Northbridge area. By ensuring that most passenger vehicles leaving Northbridge between 1:00am and 4:00am on a Sunday morning are encumbered by just over one kilogram in change, these drag racers have maximised their chances of winning impromptu light-to-light drags. In order to combat this unseen menace, the City of Perth has formed a ‘Change Re-Redistributification and Amateur Drag Racer Registration and Accountification’ commission, which will be attempting to identify and apprehend members of the League of Financially-Challenged Amateur Drag Racers, and return drink prices to a more reasonable, rounded off level. Until then, the City urges Northbridge visitors to not only pay with EFTPOS where possible, but also to appoint a ‘Change Manager,’ whose job is to ensure that drinks are payed for with change acquired from previous drink purchases, and to dispose of all remaining change into a Change Disposal Unit at the end of each night out (Change Disposal Units will be implemented on hotspot street corners between 2015 and 2019).

18/09/2012 10:01:57 AM

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DOWN 1. Killed the cat 2. J Edgar 3. An intermediate degree 4. Supposed man made disease 5. Burned for 56 minutes before collapse 6. New World _____ 7. The Bushes and the British royals have this in common. 8. _______ Project, Camp Hero, NY 9. Driving petrol prices sky high. 10. FDA ____ not all it’s cracked up to be?

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ACROSS 1. The secret government. The ______ government 2. Represented by the square and the compass 3. An enlightened bunch 4. Theory of WTC collapse 5. JC’s wife... Mary _________. 6. Poison for the teeth. 7. Paul is ____ 8. Contraversial Catholic Prelature. ____ Dei 9. Richard Condon, ‘Winter _____’ 10. Flying Saucer Crash, 1947

23 - time wasters

18/09/2012 10:01:58 AM

Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

Thursday

15 STUDY WEEK

22 EXAMS

29 EXAMS

01 (until The Living End @ the Rose November 7)

25 Tinkertown starts @ The Blue Room 26

27 Tim Rogers @ PICA Bar

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20/09/2012 3:47:18 PM

Friday

Rogers @ PICA Bar

28 Tav n’ Bass @ the TAV

Saturday

29 Shihad @ Metro City

Sunday

06 Hatch Ocean Ride for MS

07 King’s Park Festival 2012

12 END OF SEMESTER BASH @ the TAVl

13 Spring in the Valley @ Feral

14 Gabriel Iglesias @ the Astor

27 Paul Kelly @ The Astor Smash Mouth @ Metropolis

28 Rock It 2012

Hillaries Antique & Vintage Fair

25 - calendar music

Living End @ the Rosemount l November 7)

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20/09/2012 3:47:18 PM

26 - time wasters

DO NOT TRY TO FIND TEN DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THESE PICTURES.

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18/09/2012 10:02:01 AM

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THERE IS AT LEAST 100 WORDS IN THIS WORD SEARCH... IMAGINE HOW MUCH TIME YOU WOULD WASTE BY TRYING TO FIND THEM ALL!

18/09/2012 10:02:01 AM

Never Stacey Malacari

There’s a certain sadness that descends on the world come dusk. Leopard print heels melting madness upon the sidewalk and cigarettes burning harsher in hindsight. Women with eyes blurred, men with hands in their pockets, all hustling outside the bars, hailing cabs and spitting on curbs. I imagined the foam in my beer washing over the street and sweeping them all away. My heart was an ashtray, all dusty, burnt out and filled with other peoples crap. Sitting at the bar, alone, watching these people stalk by and considering how much oxygen they were stealing from the rest of us. This night was one of those where the sky is nothing special, the time none in particular. I stood up on grinding knees, waving the bartender with the ample bust away as she tried to refill my glass. I was beginning to mutter over my breath, instead of under it. A man with a chain on his jeans, boots scuffed with gutter-mud, beard eating away at his face, stopped me as I left. “I think I’ve come across your face before,” he said.

There’s a certain sadness that descends on the world come dusk. Telephone screens illuminating drunken faces and women tripping over unshaven legs. Feet stuck to the floor and the bar stuck to our elbows. I tapped my foot along to nothing and waited for the message to send. Alice, with her innocent hands and daisy scent, used to reach out to me in the night. She ripened me up, only to leave me swirling slowly, sliding down the slope of solitude. “Sara,” she would say, “Sara, it’s noon.” It was always noon when we rose from our slumber, groggy with sex and sentiment. Another hour spent lying in bed together, pretending we’d do something productive that day, but always ending up staying in between the sheets. “You’re not happy,” I said, later. I accepted the call, her name flashing in time to the chants of the men doing shots at the bar. “Please stop, I’m happy now,” she said.

I lit a cigarette, blew the smoke in his face.

Once the crowd had swelled, I slid out of the bar, mouth drained of everything but the taste of beer.

“Piss off.”

More cigarettes consumed, eyes casting shadows on my cheeks.

“Fucking dyke,” he spat.

I saw the peach hips of Olive, waiting at the bus stop by my road.

She was on the sidewalk outside, with her dark lips and blue veins, skin glowing pale under the street lamps. Olive, who might not even be called Olive, but I named her that anyway, because I could.

“I don’t think the buses run this late”, I should have said. ********

I was too drunk to ponder her, wonder her, wander away with her. I crushed the remnant of my smoke beneath my shoe and trudged on. Olive, with her hips like peaches fading into shadows I thought I’d like to curl up in, still fluttered somewhere in my peripheral vision.

There’s a certain sadness that descends on the world come morning.

I rolled in through my front door, four wrong keys too many. Reading Lolita in bed, stoned, eating peanut butter from a jar like they do in movies. I wasn’t trying to be like the movies though, I was just really stoned.

The apartment I called home was empty but for my possessions. Alice had taken all of hers with her. The shelves cupped empty air, the light streaming through my window hitting patches of nothing, where once stood desks and lamps.

“Harder, harder,” my neighbour shouted.

The peanut butter belonged to me.

********

My dancing shoes were sitting on the bench. I couldn’t figure out how they had gotten up there.

There’s a certain sadness that descends on the world come dusk. Bartenders smashing glasses and teenagers faking identities. Cats stalking up alleyways and police helicopters hiding behind clouds. The sun had already drowned, so I left the bar to pick up Noelle, walking with my shoes on fire. Twirling lights, like good lights should be, set the roof alight as I danced with Noelle. Drifting together, the music of some sort I didn’t pay attention to, her hair bouncing in time with her breasts, my hands sliding down her sides when they were able. Her face upturned so that I could see her tequila-shot eyes. Her breathing became heavy and I longed to push down that skirt of hers, but this night did not lead to that. When the music retreated and the air took on that coldness that always sinks into place when human bodies stop dancing, I took her hand and led her to her door.

I woke up with my feet contorted in a way which caused all feeling in them to go. Falling out of bed, in the most literal sense, legs failing completely, face hitting the hardwood floor first.

The bus stop was empty. My head ached, as heads often do after too much drinking and I retched at the idea that I was just branded cattle, stomping along with the rest of the herd. Those brutes at the bar, those women with their sliding makeup, all probably sitting at home like me, all resting their heads in their nicotine stained hands, all shaking their knees with the pain in their guts. I imagined the foam in my beer washing over the street and sweeping them all away. Alice, who never calls. Noelle, who never dances. And Olive, who I never even met.

I watched her fade into the darkness of her house then lit another cigarette. I swaggered down the empty road, Noelle still hovering above my lips. I always swaggered after nights with Noelle, like I was Jay Gatsby or someone.

28 - creative

“That magnificent sonofabitch,” I thought. ********

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18/09/2012 10:02:02 AM

Classified the guys in the underground bunker below the bohemian grove are crafting prototype delivery systems for invisible airborne viruses the prototype delivery systems are invisible also black helicopters are recovering black boxes from the bermuda triangle and forwarding the data to black mailboxes whose locations may or may not be classified (but probably are) all of your personal information including tinfoil hat size has been recorded by the bilderberg group they are currently viewing your personal information in bar graph form and laughing at your unusual tinfoil hat size

29 - creative

Scott Donaldson

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18/09/2012 10:02:03 AM

30 - time wasters

TEST YOUR SPOTTING SKILLS

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18/09/2012 10:02:04 AM

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31 - time wasters

Image: http://www.newholland.com.au/elvis/whereselvispeek.jpg

18/09/2012 10:02:05 AM

Humid Mornings

Joseph Wong

Janine finally fell asleep amid the rough snores Meng had when he was exhausted. It was unfair that Meng

could sleep soundly when she couldn’t. A humid morning came and Janine was awakened by the air-raid blares her iPhone played at six-am each day. She flung her blanket away and peeked at her phone before sliding her finger across it to the ‘snooze’ option. When Janine woke up it was seven. “Hell!” She flung herself away from her bed and onto the weathered parquet floor, then rushed into the toilet. She screamed at Meng to wake up while squeezing Colgate onto her toothbrush. He sat up and placed his feet on the dusty floor. Maybe he should pull some weight around the house by mopping, or even trying his hand at some simple cooking. “Meng! Get up! Wake Hayden!” Meng pushed himself off the queen-sized bed. He stumbled toward the toilet where Janine was now furiously scrubbing her teeth while pulling up her pinstriped skirt. “How am I supposed to use the toilet if you’re in it?” Meng asked while scratching the back of his head. Janine stopped and stared at him with toothpaste froth on her mouth. He didn’t notice as he ambled through the hallway and into Hayden’s room. He sat down beside his son and let his unshaven chin rest on the boy’s face. Hayden woke and pulled away from his father. “I’m up. I’m up.” Hayden got up on all fours before crawling down the end of the bed. “Isn’t it easier to get off on my side?”

32 - creative

Hayden shrugged and shook his head before walking to the closet. He pulled out the crumbled shirt Meng had trouble ironing the night before. Janine yelled at Hayden to hurry up from her room before running down the staircase. Moments later, Meng heard the gate grate open and the car engine start. The tires squealed while turning on the cement floor, and the sound of the engine became softer and softer. Janine was off to her job at the Volkswagen dealership in Kuala Lumpur. Meng brushed his teeth while Hayden pulled on his white shirt, socks and shoes. When he was ready, Meng ushered him into Janine’s dented Honda Accord with chipped paint and a screeching drive train. He no longer needed the Prado she now drove. He reversed the car out of the driveway and realized he wasn’t sure of the route to school.

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“Do you know the way?” Meng asked while turning on the radio to Red FM. “No. Ask mummy, she normally drives me.” “How can you not know the way? You’re a young man.” Hayden shrugged his shoulders and stared straight ahead. Meng stopped at the intersection outside the freeway to Kuala Lumpur. He pulled out his Nokia to ask Janine where the primary school was. “Nin, where is Hayden’s school?” Meng glanced at Hayden who stared ahead at the five-lane freeway. Buses and trucks hurtled across worn, grey asphalt. Concrete walls with black and yellow stripes formed walls around bends, with steel railings outlining long, straight roads. “Okay.” Meng pushed the accelerator and the car lurched forward before easing into the expressway. Hayden pulled out his history book and began flipping through the pages, pausing at the pictures of bridges, sultans and elephants. “How’s that toy station I bought you last year?” It was that PlayStation he and Janine had decided to buy Hayden three months ago for Christmas. He flicked his head at Hayden to see what the boy was doing. “PlayStation. It’s a PlayStation daddy.” Hayden closed his book and stared out of window. Rows of old-British style stores and cafes passed them by. Some businesses had been around since independence; most of the buildings were older. “It’s all the same.” “No it isn’t. “Tell me about school. Do you enjoy school? Which year are you in? Standard six?” “Standard five. I don’t like school. The guys in form one pick on us.” Meng pulled up next to the school. As he stepped down on the pedal, the brakes gave a squeal. Some students who were walking through the tall iron gates turned to look. “Doesn’t your mama notice?” “She leaves fast.” Hayden pushed open the door and hopped out of the car. “Just tell them you’re not being funny.” Hayden turned around to look at his father. They had the same eyes and chin, the rest were his mother’s. “Okay.” Hayden walked towards the school doors. He shuffled through the gate where boys wearing white shirts and blue shorts were playing catch.

The school was a large, sprawling complex of white. The building and its inhabitants seemed extend to the boy, wishing to swallow and absorb him. Hayden walked past the school’s crest; the motto “Excellence Through Wisdom” was emblazoned across it. A group of boys appeared; they were wearing pants and velvet ties. “Gayden!” one of them shouted. “His mom must be a man!” Another one hollered while the group laughed. “How much do you like it when your two dads kiss!” A fat one began kissing the palm of his hand, making sucking sounds. Meng turned off his car and wound down his window. C

Hayden walked forward looking to the ground, trying to get to his friends already sitting in class. The fat one stuck his face in front of Hayden’s and puckered his lips, then made the loudest smacking sound he could manage. Hayden clenched his fists and started to shake, his heart beating in his ears. He lifted his head, stared straight at the fat one and shouted, “You’re not bei-“ A senior smacked the back of Hayden’s head, jerking his head forward. The pudgy one then threw him onto the concrete floor. Hayden felt burning trails of tears on his face. Meng pushed open the Accord’s door and broke into a jog.

CMY

The bullies had formed a snarling circle around Hayden. The fat one was screaming at Hayden to get up. Meng grabbed him by the collar and shook him violently. You do that again to my boy, I’ll gut you.” A teacher, who had noticed, ran towards the commotion. Meng loosened his grip on the boy’s collar. “Sir, that’s one of our students.” She said, loud enough to be heard from the road where the rest of the parents were dropping off their children. “Excuse me. I will call a guard here,” said the portly lady. She had a sour, old smell. Meng stepped in front of Hayden who was willing himself not to cry. “Sir. Shall I call a guard?” Meng had loosened his grip even more. The pudgy boy bolted for the toilet while the group of seniors had melted away into the cement corridors and the white washed walls of the school. “Where were you when my boy was being bullied?” “Sir, please leave this school now.” Meng glared at the lady for a moment. The lady began to look sideways at the parents who had seen the entire thing. Meng clasped Hayden’s hand and took him home.

18/09/2012 10:02:06 AM

EOS_teaser_new.pdf 1 9/20/2012 12:27:16 PM

CMY

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20/09/2012 3:47:19 PM

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18/09/2012 10:02:09 AM

Clowns scare the crap out of some people. Like really scare them, and I suppose it’s become normal to be irrationally afraid of something significantly innocent in life. Most people go with spiders, the dark or axe murderers who spend their free time in your walk in wardrobe, but clowns... Seriously? Now I can understand why a child might be scared of a clown, strange unfamiliar faces to children can really place them out of their comfort zone. Then consider that clowns conceal their identity, with thick layers of makeup and a distractingly colourful costume, now they are impossible to distinguish in a police line up. This leads to a small nagging worry about whether they actually are going to commit a crime or not. Am I wrong to believe that this clown is so innocent? A clown is rarely seen without it’s tools of terror; Pies, water bottles and all other types of cruel and unusual artillery. The assault begins, and another clown is inevitably tortured and humiliated as it stands there in the limelight, taking whatever the first clown has to dish out. The children who do find this humorous, clearly don’t see the clowns as people. They see them as something subhuman and strange, and for some reason undeserving of empathy. Then, there are those children who don’t find clowns funny at all. They find the clowns scary and the strange use of food as a tool for evil places them in turmoil.

Then you have clowns in films and television. The most prominent in my mind being from the Simpsons where Bart can’t sleep for fear of his clown bed trying to eat him. Then you follow up with criminal clowns in a large variety of B rate horror films, and then there’s the Joker and even Jigsaw. These clowns are all types of insane, sadistic and monstrous villains. The verdict is that all the clowns we see in themedia seem to share a single trait; they are all bat shit crazy. It’s even been estimated through several phobia studies that almost 20% of people find clowns scary, or at least unsettling. I would bet that the clowns people are most afraid of aren’t your Joker or your Jigsaw types who are disturbingly fictional, or even the clowns in films who seem to have nothing better to do than to chop up teenagers. It’s more scary to see a man in his mid 30’s dressed up and performing to children, because it doesn’t make sense. Even if you have made a few bad decisions in life, you don’t have to be a clown! Perhaps clowns are creepy because we expect adults to act like adults. Clowns circumvent this rule. They act like children who play childish pranks, just so they can get the approval of children. It’s also that some performers choose to be clowns, that the other aspects of acting have no interest to them, this seems dysfunctional within itself. Clowns are a strange breed of person indeed, that even their own humour fails amongst some children. It creates adverse reactions that cause tears instead of laughter. It could be that I’ve misunderstood clowns. Perhaps they aren’t there to keep us laughing, but instead an instrument of incessant fear. Inserted into our lives from a young age to smile and laugh with malice. By the time we are teenagers they are hacking us apart in movies, and coming into adulthood we have Saw marathons in the dark of night and The Dark Knight is one of our favourite films. Then finally, when we’ve come full circle, clowns become part of our social norm.

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So the clowns continue to destroy each other with pastries, but surely it could be worse. Yes, yes it could, they could involve the audience. Now you have a child whose parent has belligerently agreed to go up on stage for the sake of a bit of fun. It doesn’t take long for the fun to get out of hand though, especially in the eyes of a kid who sees their parents face contort as cold water hits them in the face. Perhaps every adult in the audience understands that it’s all a big joke, but I think that not every child does. To them it is quite clearly torture to the adult. The faces pulled are that of discomfort and yet it seems that no one will stand up and help the poor participant. The child who may have been happy seeing another clown take a pie to the face; isn’t necessarily so keen to see their own parent suffer.

Unfortunately, the fear imbued by clowns isn’t limited to the atmosphere of the circus. Some hospitals for some awful reason decide to paint clowns on the children’s ward, or at least they did when I was young. The last thing you want when you are sick from a dizzying fever is a clown with a horrifying toothy grin leering at you all night. Especially as that clown will seem even more terrifying given your ailments.

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18/09/2012 10:02:11 AM

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18/09/2012 10:02:11 AM

atovu nia hdcs ldbgkvcolz nd sagveb on ejvus sdn ljcnvb sdn asj sdn oj rdc o liobla nd hvb dba xvudecot dr uduuvag. GROK#6_2012.indd 37

37 - time wasters

CRACKING THIS CODE IS PART OF A TIME WASTING CONSPIRACY

18/09/2012 10:02:11 AM

38 - fashion GROK#6_2012.indd 38

18/09/2012 10:02:14 AM

The Economy of The Mermaid Joseph Wong Merfolk prance around like the cast of Glee, or they strangle Spanish sailors. They permeate folklore across cultures from China to Hollywood and are associated with bad weather, fish, and cartoons. But rather than just creatures swimming around, is there a society and economy of Merfolk ruled by underwater kings? The most popular proof of this is Hans Christian Anderson’s The Little Mermaid. There’s King Triton’s amazing palace. Although Triton’s palace isn’t air tight, it has walls made of glass, illuminated by pillars of blue flame and has ceilings of pink oysters. The grand hall is large enough to house dancing Merpeople and fishes. Each of Triton’s six daughters has a garden to themselves where they keep their prized possessions. Now, back on land, the world’s most expensive castle is Count Dracula’s in Hungary. At a cost of 156 million dollars, it’s expensive, but it isn’t built under the sea and inlaid with shiny mollusks. The closest thing that can come to it is the Poseidon Resort near the islands of Fiji. A night in that hotel will cost a couple around 30 thousand dollars a week. However, it doesn’t look anywhere near as nice as Triton’s glowing estate. King Triton’s palace doesn’t come cheap. If we built Edinburgh Castle underwater like the Poseidon Resort, it would cost around half-abillion dollars. That’s discounting the fixtures, gold plating and pearl producing oysters. Workers and craftsmen are needed not only for the build of these palaces, but the day-to-day upkeep of them as well. Also, we have to include the leafy seaweed eaten by Merpeople, and other vanity goods like combs. All these need paying for, or an incentive to develop goods for the use of other Merfolk.

Pearls are the universal undersea currency, as storytellers across cultures understand its value. Oysters are common, but pearls, less so. King Triton probably has an Armada of shipwrecks filled with pearl producing oysters. The possession of oysters and pearls provide the kingdom with a determiner of class. The only Merfolk allowed wearing oysters as jewelry are the nobility. For instance, Ariel’s grandmother would clip her tail with twelve oysters, although nobility only required six. It’s a little like how ladies of the old used to coif their hair skywards. The nobility is the ruling class over the rest of the merfolk. They in turn, command the allegiance of sea creatures. The economy of the merpeople resembles a Feudal system. The nobles, or the ruler’s immediate family lives in the best living areas that are adorned with oysters, pearls, and funky lightshows. Thats right. Lasers bitches! The merpeople submit to their king and in return, they’re given a home, order and established access to food. At the lowest rung of this society are the sea creatures. Sea creatures like lobsters, guppies and octopuses that play drums. Mermaids do have a natural affinity with sea creatures. The weaker creatures flock to the Merpeople for protection from the seas’ top predators. In return, they form the lowest class in an underwater economy: the serfs. It’s these serfs that do the manual labor, not much different from the three thousand workers that built Pharaoh’s pyramids. Over the supervision of their overlords, these fish perform tasks to keep the day-to-day running of an underwater empire. It’s work, or be eaten by pariah sharks and killer

whales lurking on the fringes of the undersea kingdom. Even with serfs and sunken Galleons that carry treasure, there’s still not enough to supply a mermaid economy. A merfolk society needs to trade with other regions to get everything they want and need. Trade between regions is based around the region’s unique undersea cultures. Triton’s kingdom is only a small part of the Atlantic. There are the dragon kings of Asia, each living in palaces of crystal, sowing clouds for farmers. Chinese mermaids cry tears of pearl, but the trick is getting one to cry. No doubt the Dragon Kings of China have sweatshops of crying mermaids. Factories of crabs then package pearls to be shipped to the murderous Sirens who live off the coast of Greece. Then there’s the Japanese Dragon King, Ryujin, who crafts jellyfish by crushing their bones. He then trades with Triton for oysters and pearls to adorn his coral palace. But some societies of mermaids prefer to keep to themselves; like the Canadian mermaids, who live in the Great Lakes. Obviously, merfolk aren’t real. Often, sailors mistook manatees and dugongs for humans with fish tails. Their physical nature doesn’t allow them to live under the sea, as the water would rip off their human skin. Evidences of merpeople are made up with examples of Japanese fishermen sewing monkey bodies to the tails of fishes. Merfolk and their worlds exist in a storyteller’s mind, shaped by his fascination with the sea. Authors have constructed their businesses and societies. But it’s because of this we have colorful characters of mermaids and mermen. Maybe it’s time a storyteller told a story of merfolk living in modern society. I’d read that.

39 - fashion

That gives the question, how did King Triton pay for his fictional estate?

Oysters and pearls seem to be the universal undersea currency, as writers have attributed most value to them. It’s a guarded resource; otherwise any mermaid with a fancy for the shiny could have picked one up and stuck it to her nose. The royal family in Anderson’s story adorn themselves by clipping oysters to their tails.

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18/09/2012 10:02:16 AM

WESTWOOD James Sophi

Dark skies, Sarah mused. What a cliché. The Westwood Media complex spanned almost seventy floors into lead-grey cloud. It was capped with twin curving conductors that looked like horns. A shiny, block-headed propaganda demon with anger issues. What the fuck am I doing here? She entered the building through its main entrance. Above the reception desk was a big blue logo of the earth, and under it were the words In Truth We Trust. After stating her business, she was told to wait over by the lifts. Sarah took a seat on what she assumed was a stool. The cushion crinkled like a potato chip packet. Cheap postmodern crap. Twelve minutes passed before Amber Westwood appeared. She was tall and thin, with a smooth face, despite her five decades. Surgery, obviously. “Mrs Westwood,” said Sarah, “can you spare a moment? Sarah Long, from the Medina Advocate. We spoke yesterday.” “Oh, yes, Sarah. Nice to meet you,” Amber said. “You sounded older on the phone.” “I get that a lot.” Sarah smiled. “I know your time’s valuable, Mrs Westwood, so I’ll make this quick. As I mentioned yesterday, the article is a light piece on your successes and struggles so far, based on reader requests. So, if I could just shoot you a few questions, I’ll be on my way. Is there some place we can talk?” “If we head to my office, our chat will be short-lived. They pick my bones like vultures up there.” Amber laughed. “Here’ll be fine, so long as we keep our voices down.” “Fair enough.” They took seats on the chip-packet stools. “We’ll get started then.” Sarah took out a voice recorder and turned it on. “I’d like to start by asking how long you and Mr Westwood have been married.” “Twelve years,” said Amber. “Though it feels like two.” “What’s it like to be married to one of the most admired men in the country? How do you cope with the spotlight? Do you find it overwhelming at times?” How many other women does he sleep with, she wanted to ask.

“Yes. Rachel is very healthy, and already has a little personality. She looks so much like Lawrence. The other two take after me. But Rachel has deep blue eyes, just like her father.” “I want to touch on two subjects that our readership is keen to hear about. First, your struggle with kidney cancer back in the nineties. How has that experience affected your life?” “I would say it... recreated me as a person. I made decisions at that time that have turned my life around,” Amber said. “It’s made me stronger, more determined, and, I suppose, more carefree. I learned that life is not something to be feared, it’s something to be enjoyed. And that nothing is more important than living fast and loving hard.” Sarah nodded in feigned agreement. “I know the cancer must have been difficult to deal with, but in the same year, you lost a child. Has that experience made you stronger?” Amber frowned. “I don’t see how this has anything to do with being married to Lawrence.” “The article is about you, Mrs Westwood, not your husband.” Sarah said. “Our readers want to know you as a person, to see that you’re just like them, as you said. The past is what makes us who we are, for better or worse. And it makes people more sympathetic to your story.” Amber hesitated, then gave in. “Amelia was her name. A sweet child. She was always smiling, hardly ever cried. She had beautiful skin, like her father. He was an islander. My world was shattered when I lost her. It was during my cancer. They called it cot death.” “When did you lose her?” “She died April eighteenth.” “Interesting,” said Sarah. “Interesting?” Amber looked confused. “That you lost her two months before your kidney transplant.” “It’s morbid, not interesting. How do you know –” “When you had your operation?” Sarah cut in. “I have friends at the hospital. They pulled up your record. I also find it interesting how you keep saying she died, when there’s no death certificate in the state’s database.” “What are you talking about? Why would I lie about my own daughter’s death?”

40 - feature

“I find it...” Amber took a moment. “I would say it’s all very balanced. It gets a bit much when we’re photographed doing mundane things, but then... Lawrence is a great man, and loved by many. People want to know him, want to be part of his life. They want to see that he’s ordinary. And I suppose they want to know me, too. So I can respect that and, in a way, appreciate the spotlight. It all goes hand in hand with doing great things for humanity, you know?”

Keep telling yourself that. “And you have three kids now. How’s the newborn? Rachel, is it?”

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“To cover your arse,” Sarah said flatly. “To... What do I have to cover it from?” Amber had lost all composure. She seemed both furious and anxious. Sarah looked over to the logo above the reception desk. “In truth we trust,” she read. “A noble slogan, Mrs Westwood. I wonder how your beloved husband would feel if he knew your dirty little secret.” “I have no secrets from my husband,” Amber spat back. “Tell me, Amber – can I call you Amber? How is it you found a kidney so soon? Waiting lists in Perth are endless, yet you managed to find a live donor four months after your diagnosis. Someone you’d never met before. What kind of person gives kidneys away to strangers?” “I bought a kidney –” “Yeah, you did,” Sarah cut her off again. “You bought a kidney. And what did that cost you, Amber? You weren’t so rich back then, before you met old Mister Media Mogul husband of yours. Does the name Prudence Galliafino sound familiar? I’ll take that pathetic expression on your face as a yes. She died last week, but she left an interesting letter behind in her will.” Sarah paused for effect. “Of course you remember her. You sold her your own infant daughter for an organ and a few more years, you god-damned selfish hag.” “How dare you –” “How dare I? Yeah, you’re right. How dare I. I’m just a journalist. Where are my manners?” She stood, putting away her voice recorder. “Thanks for your time, Mrs Westwood. I must be going. I have an article to write, and a deadline to keep.” “Wait,” Amber stood too. She held her hands out stupidly, grasping for leverage. “Just wait a moment. You can’t... God, please... You won’t publish this, will you? I beg you, Sarah. I have a family.” Her eyes were full of fear. She clasped at her chest. “Please,” she whimpered. Sarah headed to the thick glass doors. They opened automatically and cold air buffeted her face. It was raining. She turned back to Mrs Westwood. “You deserve to be humiliated,” she said. “But I wouldn’t do that to your children. They deserve to believe their mother is a good person. No kid should live with hate in their heart. That’s for grown-ups. You look after them well.” She checked her watch to hide her face.”Give them the life that I was robbed of, Mum. I have to go.”

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18/09/2012 10:02:18 AM

Northam Convergence Sam Cavallaro

On Sunday 26 August over 150 refugee rights supporters rallied at Yongah Hill immigration detention centre in Northam WA. Eleven years since the grizzly scenes of the Howard Government turning away the MV Tampa and the 438 rescued asylum seekers, protesters made the journey to the town to stand up against the Gillard government’s continuation of mandatory detention and its return to the Pacific “Solution”.

a defiant message. She spoke of the need to continue the fight for refugee rights and ended her speech with the words “These walls will fall!” The final march saw protesters disrupt traffic as we marched to the top of a hill over looking the facility. From this viewpoint the entire centre could be viewed including the section in which the refugees were being held to keep them out of touch from protesters. It was from here that supporters flew kites and released balloons as a symbol of freedom for refugee.

Sam Cavallaro, Member of Curtin Refugee Rights Action Network

Organised by the Refugee Rights Action Network, protesters came from Perth on three coaches, two minibuses and by car. Greeted by a “police escort” we were funnelled into the parking lot of the detention centre. Police had worked with Serco, the company who runs the detention centres, to minimise interaction between protesters and refugees by setting up an official protesting area. This however, was not a problem for supporters who had foreseen the over exaggerated police presence and devised strategies for getting in contact with the refugees inside the facility. One such strategy was the setting up of a “pirate radio station” where the sounds of the protest, such as chants and speeches, were broadcast to the refugees onto radios smuggled into the detention centre earlier. Speakers for the day included Greens Senator Scott Ludlam, members from RRAN and a member of Serco watch. A former Christmas Island detainee gave insight into the dehumanising system of mandatory detention. He introduced himself only by the number he had received and been called by while on Christmas Island. “My name is PIRA 11.” he said.

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He went on to describe his struggle to maintain his sanity within the detention system. He talked of witnessing suicides and self harm and contemplating suicide himself. “You are locked up. Everyone is depressed,” he said. “You make a friend today ... suddenly you can’t find him because he’s been transferred somewhere else.” The man went on to describe how hearing or just hearing of refugee rights protests gave support to refugees locked up in detention. “It gives us motivation to stay alive and stay strong,” he said. “The government doesn’t like us, but the people like us.” Jess McLeod, Education Vice President of Curtin Student Guild and member of the Curtin University RRAN group wound up the speeches with

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18/09/2012 10:02:20 AM

MY FOREIGN POLICY NEVER CAME OUT OF BAGGAGE CLAIM! US Election Update Trent Macri

Mitt Romney now has the title of the Republican Party’s official nominee, he’s selected a running mate – Congressman Paul Ryan, the Republican National Convention has been held and by the time this goes to print, the Democratic National Convention too will be over. Unsurprisingly, foreign policy has taken a backseat in the campaign thus far. This is an election that will understandably be decided on the economy, but as an International Relations student, I feel a duty to talk a little bit about the policy area that often gets neglected come election time! So let’s take a look at where both candidates stand. In July, Romney took a three-stop overseas trip to the United Kingdom, Israel and Poland, to amp up his foreign policy credibility and image as an international statesman. The problem was, he forgot to pack a coherent foreign policy. Romney has been very quick to criticise Obama’s foreign policy record of the last four years, when the reality is that this area is one of the Obama administration’s greatest strengths going into the next election. At the beginning of 2009, the president inherited a damaged American reputation due to an overstretch and misallocation of power under the Bush administration. In four years, both he and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton have regained the trust and confidence of their allies and partners, as well as the international community more generally. The withdrawal from Iraq went undisturbed (despite concerns from the Republicans in 2008), and together they have appropriately re-shifted a large part of their focus to Asia Pacific.

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In regard to Afghanistan and the War On Terror, Obama has moved America’s attention away from nation-building to an emphasis on counterterrorism with impressive results. Locating and successfully killing Osama Bin Laden was, of course, the ultimate achievement of this policy shift. This change has not been without controversy though – a key part of this strategy has seen Obama significantly up the number of drone attacks on the Afghan border of Northwest Pakistan. Whilst this tactic been successful in killing al Qaeda and Taliban leaders and militants in increasing numbers, it has also translated to a higher civilian death toll – a fundamental cause of increased anti-American sentiment in the region. Regardless of your opinion on the policy, Romney can’t accuse Obama of not being relentless in the War On Terror. It’s not a perfect record though. The two main failures of the Obama administration that immediately come to mind have been the failure to facilitate peace talks and a settlement between the Israelis and Palestinians, as well as his failure to reset relations with Russia – both key objectives outlined in the 2008 campaign. The latter, however, could be blamed more so on Vladimir Putin, and his increasingly assertive, anti-American posture, than on any efforts by Obama. Nor can the Republicans call into question Obama’s commitment to Israel and its security, which in his own words, is “unshakeable,” and has been proved through unprecedented levels of financial and military support. In stark contrast, Romney has back-flipped on Afghanistan – initially critical of Obama’s withdrawal timetable, he now seems to support something similar. On both Iran and the Syrian

crisis, his rhetoric has been… well, rhetoric. He talks about the president needing to take a tougher stance on these regimes without specifying any alternative steps that America should be taking. Nor has he outlined a clear set of foreign policy objectives for a Romney administration. This vague rhetoric with little substance was compounded by a series of gaffes that hijacked the press coverage of Romney’s overseas trip. In regard to the London Olympics, he expressed uncertainty over Britain’s preparation and readiness, prompting heated responses from prominent individuals including London mayor Boris Johnson. In Israel, he offended Palestinians by suggesting that a difference of culture has given Israelis an economic advantage – a remark the Palestinians interpreted as racist. Well, that’s what you get when you try to make a partisan issue out of something that has historically been bipartisan. The reality is that both parties maintain a strong, pro-Israeli stance. But how important are these issues to the American voters in an election that will undoubtedly be decided on the economy? Not very, particularly with the entrance of the young, energetic Paul Ryan onto the Republican ticket – an ideas man that will draw even more attention to the economy and Obamacare. But it raises serious questions in an area that is almost always unfairly neglected. Hopefully now that the campaigns are in full swing, the opportunity for Mitt Romney to be cross-examined by Obama on these issues will arise, and we’ll have a real debate. I have little doubt that this article may need some revision by the time it goes to print, but I predict that by that time Mitt Romney will still be searching for a foreign policy.

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It looks like we’re finally in the full swing of the U.S. presidential election.

18/09/2012 10:02:23 AM

Authors

Of your outFIt

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Rachel McCann

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20/09/2012 3:47:20 PM

Walk through any retail district in Perth right now and you will be bombarded with fluoro. This electric pop of colour is not only trending in clothing, but equally as prominent in jewellery and footwear. If I am not mistaken, it wasn’t too long ago that fluoro was a cheap and nasty fashion faux-pas, found only in outer metro-Perth and confined to Suprè stores (harsh but fair). When did the fashion gods decide to pull this trend from the brink and make these colours the hottest, most coveted trend for summer? Well, my fashion curious friend, it didn’t happen by accident. Approximately two years ago, groups of very well informed global analysts sat down together (not unlike a scene from the Last Supper) and calculated that fluoro, or ‘neon’ as it is now marketed, would be a trending colour for 2012. While they were there, they also decided what silhouettes, textiles, patterns and adornments would rein popular. In a world where we pride ourselves on our sense of individuality, a group of complete strangers determined what we would wear 24 months in advance. How they came to this conclusion was not a simple process. I can tell you right now that at no time did a blindfolded monkey pick out a colour swatch from a hat. Who: Trend forecasting agencies. What: Supply businesses with annual subscriptions (approx. $20,000 p.a.) to their research and intelligence. Why: Their clients want to keep abreast of what concepts/ideas/designs that will be popular in the years to come, in order to stay competitive with sales. How: Study society and consumer behaviour comprehensively in order to predict future trends. When: Years in advance to daily updates, to ensure their clients have sufficient time to manage, market and produce these concepts and keep constantly aware of the changes in society. Where: globally.

Our wardrobes have been controlled by crazy, old, balding men, who are profiting from our desire to look fashionable - one fluoro stiletto at a time. Ok, ok so trend forecasting agencies have control over big design companies, who in turn have control over our spending habits, even without us knowing it. But what about our local designers who aren’t a part of this global rat-race? They don’t buy into this world, yet many of us would agree that they still create stylish pieces and probably produce the garments we treasure most. Proving that creativity and intuition still exist in the fashion world is Natalie Donovan a fashion and jewellery designer hailing from Fremantle. “I want to create beautiful pieces that are timeless, yet fun”, said a very humble and excited Natalie, inside the Fremantle fashion boutique, The Archive, which sells pieces of her collection, “I would one day like to grow into a company that can become a house hold name for Australian’s… but I don’t want to over do anything just yet”. Natalie’s label Wild.Horses galloped into the Perth fashion scene – enjoy the pun- at the beginning of this year and has already made a competitive impact against other wellestablished designers. Her pieces were featured in the 2012 Perth Fashion Festival campaign and program launch, along side designers Aurelio Costarella, Garth Cook, Ae’lkemi, Flannel and One Fell Swoop. This is a phenomenal achievement for a designer still being ‘broken-in’ to the industry. I had to admit that her collection of bright, tailored clothing and chunky jewellery pieces fitted in perfectly for the very colourful and tonal PFF campaign shoot, so I asked Natalie

her experience and opinion of trend forecasting agencies, “I think they are ok if you can afford it, but I am not sure how reliable they can be as I haven’t been a part of one before…It can be tough in this industry… But I think they are only beneficial for people who want to follow trends”. Wild.Horses is designed for women who want to escape the ‘herd’ and as Natalie explained although it was luck, which saw her aesthetic slide into this seasons market, she would never compromise her own style to suit others, “I go for what I like and hope that people will like it too… I prefer to use ideas that spring out of my head, inspired from the buildings and life around me” and living in Fremantle, Natalie has plenty of culture and diversity to inspire her. Natalie’s Wild.Horses collection will be showcased at the WA Designer Collections runway, during PFF on Friday 21st of September. Tickets are on sale through FoxTix for 72.50 + BF, which includes a goodie bag! Yay free stuff! So here I stand before you asking if we can every really be trend setters, after we consider how contrived and controlled so much of the fashion industry can be? Let us justify: Not all fashion trends apply to the same groups of people. What trends from haute-couture, high fashion, mainstream and street fashions, vary and although they work to influence each other neither group has the same formula for design. Also, a designer would never compromise their own trademark style for the sake of a certain trend prediction, just like Natalie admitted and I can’t imagine Marc Jacobs or Karl Langerfeld being told to follow a certain idea or trend either. Karl would probably say something remarkable in French then backhand you with his fingerless gloved hand, Natalie probably more graciously. There will always be new and interesting ideas that evolve with in the industry, whether they are original, reworked or produced from calculated predictions. In our world, the rapid exchange of information via the internet and social media means the latest fashion trends can be absorbed instantly. We can market our own style to the masses through an online world. It is easier now than ever to be the designer, the trend-setter or the stylist and I think the diversity we see in the fashion industry reflects this. However, I don’t think we can ever really escape from falling prey to contrived trend formulas. It is hard not to ignore how important trend forecasting is at keeping the industry alive, without it people wouldn’t have the urge to buy into these collective ideas. My advice is not to be afraid of their influence but to embrace it to your own advantage. Whether we choose to shop mainstream or alternative, invest in movements or reject them, looking stylish is not about whether you follow a certain trend, it’s about how you rock it. Being stylish is about a fashion insight and an eye for matching colours, textures and print. Style is as style goes, and so for many of us, this might mean investing in some fluoro this season.

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I recently attended a conference by Worth Global Style Network (WGSN), which is one of the worlds leading trend forecasting agencies in fashion, lifestyle and marketing. They study and report on all aspects of society (art, politics, culture, celebrities etc.) in order to determine what consumers value, dislike or find attractive. They then provide this information via an online database exclusively to their clients, with reports, analysis, photos, videos, articles, advertising and much more. Content is updated daily, all at the clients’ finger tips. WGSN clients include Target, Central Fabrics, Armani, Walmart, Marks and Spencer, United Colours of Benetton, Esprit, Cheap Monday and Nickelodeon, all large companies who mass produce. So you can imagine the power these forecasting agencies have over consumer behaviour. By predicting what will trend, they can create trends. Consumers want to buy ‘in fashion’ and generally

this is determined by what is widely circulating at the time. If all of WGSN’s clients produced similar ideas, imagine the consistency across the market? With other agencies also in cahoots, they could control what is marketed, produced and consumed all over the world. According to the Daily Telegraph in 2010 WGSN made revenue over of £40 million and that was 5% up from the previous year. With this much money being made from just suggestions, accurate ones at that, clearly there is more than meets the eye. So I started to think … Consumption of product equals money, money equals power and power equals control. Who likes control? World leaders, The Pope, CIA, Asia, Apple and the Illuminati. Could such figures and organisations be behind these forecasting agencies? Perhaps the 2008 GFC was caused by an in correct trend prediction, which saw the collapse of the US economy?

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18/09/2012 10:02:23 AM

DEEP HEAT Oh Mercy

The Tuck Shop

REVIEWED BY: STEPHANIE LANE

178 Newcastle Street, Perth 9227 1659 REVIEWED BY: BELINDA TEH

Everyone’s been raving about the Tuck Shop recently, and it’s had a disproportionate amount of foodblogger reviews (over 20) for the short time it’s been open, so I came to see what all the fuss was about. I am delighted

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to report that the rumours are true. This place is a perfect example of simple things, done well. It doesn’t serve anything mind-blowingly different - there’s some nice pies, your standard selection of little cakes and slices, espresso coffee, and familiar things like mushrooms or smoked salmon on toast. But what sets the Tuck Shop apart is attention to detail: presentation, good customer service and simple, fresh flavours. It was a place that I came away from, thinking this is the kind of place I’d like to open one day. There’s literally nothing on either side of the Tuck Shop. You can’t even see it from the main junction. Yet it still manages to pull a lot of regulars (they have a board with a bunch of loyalty cards stuck on, with the names chalked next to them). I did find it a bit amusing to see a room full of smartly dressed businessmen trying to look as professional and dignified as possible while sitting in primary school-style wooden chairs, sipping milkshakes. On the eastern wall is a long bookshelf lined with cookbooks, which you’re allowed to take down and read while you’re having your meal. I grabbed a copy of Barista Bible while Aaron the health-conscious Crossfit champion took down one about salads and for the next 10 minutes, shamelessly took photos of all the recipes he liked.

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Every day, the Tuck Shop prints a new menu for the café with the date on the top. The only other place I’ve been to that does that is Rockpool, so things were looking pretty promising already. The menu was a page long, and full of all the right kinds of words like “lemon ricotta” and “slow cooked lamb” and “hummus” and “vanilla marscapone”. I was pleasantly surprised at the wide range of the dishes they had on offer for such an unpretentious café. It took us a while to decide because everything looked so good - I think the waitress came round three times to take our order. Aaron did the honours: “Scuse me - yes - we’re ready. She’ll have the moroccan meatballs, and I’m getting the ragu pie, the hand-cut chips and the pork belly.” “No problem! Right, so I’ll get you guys the meatballs, the pie, the... wait. Are you gonna eat all those three by yourself?” “Yeah.” “Seriously?” “Yeah.” “... but no, seriously?” All of our food came together, but I instinctively dived into Aaron’s hand cut chips with aioli ($7.5) first. The chips were cooked to perfection, everything that good frites should be: crisp and crunchy, not at all oily, with enough fluffy potato inside to make them satisfying. Get them. I only stole a bite of the pork belly, chorizo, potatoes and fried egg ($18.5) but it was enough to make

me want to order it next time I visit the Tuck Shop. That pork belly was somethin’ else - so rich, crispy and succulent, I could have sworn it was deep fried. Definitely not something you’d want to have for breakfast, but rather for lunch. Followed by a ferocious work out at the gym. Aaron’s final victim was a beef ragu pie ($12 dine-in), which came served in a pool of this gorgeous caramelcoloured gravy. Generally, I hate pies, and find them a total waste of a meal. But this one was lovely fairly chunky and rich in flavour, and just moist enough for the amount of gravy it came with. I finally rounded onto my moroccan meatballs with flatbread, hummus, tomato and za’atar fried egg ($17.5). Good points: the lightly spiced meatballs, gorgeous presentation and the fabulously crispy egg. The flatbread however was a little stiff and hard. I’d be willing to overlook that though, especially because of the lovely spices on top. Za’atar is a beautiful Middle Eastern spice mixture usually containing thyme, sesame seeds, marjoram, oregano, sumac (a crimson-coloured lemony spice) and seasalt. I’d never had it before, but it reminded me of dukka, which I adore. I was very very close to ordering one of the cakes from their selection, but was way too full, so I had a nicely done cappuccino ($4.5) instead. I left in a very good mood indeed. A leisurely late lunch on a Tuesday afternoon, with nothing planned for the rest of the day except to enjoy my hard-earned university break and sleep off my food coma.

The words unusual and modern come to mind after listening to Oh Mercy’s new album Deep Heat one time through. However, whilst I was initially drawn to the sound of the album the more I listened to it the more I realised just how repetitive it sounded. This is Oh Mercy’s, third full length album whose music commonly finds its way onto many a Triple J playlist. This four member band from Melbourne, under the lead of songwriter and frontman Alexander Gow start their Australian tour in late September after the release of Deep Heat recently. My favourite track would have to be the title track. This was one of the few songs on the album that I felt had the attractive and catchy qualities to become a hit. An honourable mention goes to the song ‘Fever’ for mentioning meeting the governor of California and calling him “mate” (now that’s what I call writing like an Aussie). I like the album, and the songs are enjoyable enough though I’ll admit I didn’t find anything too outstanding about it as a whole. My advice would be to pick your favourite tracks and listen to them on shuffle within a much larger and diverse playlist. It’s not enjoyable to listen to the album as a whole over and over again; like I said, it’s noticeably repetitive. Having said that I’m intrigued by the band and in the spirit of trying something before judging, I would love to go see them live when they play in Perth in October. It’s one thing to listen to an album but it’s hard to judge a band completely until you’ve seen their onstage presence. 6/10

18/09/2012 10:02:24 AM

Sleeping Dogs

Rock Band Blitz

GTA V still looks like it’s not going to be coming out any time soon, so the open world crown is still up for grabs after the mediocre Saints Row: The Third. Who would have thought that a game that was abandoned by mega producer Activision under the True Crime name would have the best shot at it yet?

I thought about making another Best Of Rock Band DLC list, but I figured it would be even shorter and more desperate than the one last year. The year’s best pack has been an Iron Maiden pack with two tracks from Seventh Son Of A Seventh Son. That’s all you need to know. So instead, let’s look at a new title the franchise has produced.

You take on the role of Wei Shen, a young, hot-headed undercover cop in Hong Kong infiltrating the Sun On Yee triad. Gameplay takes on a fairly typical open world format, with a wide variety of side missions peppering the generously sized city. However, Sleeping Dogs has been taught a few new tricks. The character of Wei Shen is brilliantly realised. He has a personal stake in infiltrating the triad, and although intelligent, his personality and ethics are not completely agreeable. He’s realistic and complex all at the same time, and one of the greatest anti-heroes to come out of video games in a long time. The main portion of gameplay is hand-to-hand combat, which is handled very well. Whilst a little sloppy at the start, building up combos and finding inventive ways to fight remains a cathartic thrill and is, again, some of the best of its kind yet seen in video games. The shooting and driving feel rudimentary, however. Not bad, but could have been improved upon. But the most entertaining parts of Sleeping Dogs are the side missions, and there are a lot of them. Police investigations, hidden pickups, fight clubs, karaoke, street racing, the list goes on. But more importantly, it’s all fun to do and fully realised. In all of these different activities, the city also comes alive. The general atmosphere makes this portrayal of Hong Kong feel and sound real. It’s easy to lose yourself completely in this game. The soundtrack is a little more obscure than in almost any other open world game, but it also makes it feel fine tuned and hand-picked in lieu of just throwing money at record labels. Aside from an abundance of Chinese hip-hop and erhu driven ambience, there is also the likes of Opeth and Deep Purple to get the adrenaline flowing. However, they also included ‘Hong Kong Garden’ by Siouxsie and the Banshees, and if you know anything about ‘Hong Kong Garden’, you’ll know that it undermines the otherwise realistic portrayal of Hong Kong. All in all, Sleeping Dogs is probably the Game Of The Year so far. The story is engrossing, the gameplay is satisfying and the city feels organic and well-crafted. Games with work and effort to create an effect beyond the obvious level are getting harder to find, so Sleeping Dogs feels like a breath of fresh air and a shot in the arm for open world games in general. Here’s hoping for a sequel.

9/10

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PS3, 360 REVIEWED BY: CONNOR WHITE

Rock Band Blitz does not use instruments, but a regular controller. Using two buttons to control each track, the game is based around high scores, and the basic principle to achieving high scores is to get each instrument’s multiplier up to the limit before each checkpoint, usually just before or after the next chorus, at which point, depending on how much each instrument is levelled up by, the cap is raised and the process continues. That’s the basic strategy. But powerups also play a major part, and there are a lot to choose from. Some powerups give double or triple point bonuses, some automatically play an instrument track for a limited time, some give passive score bonuses for one instrument and some destroy a number of notes. However, I’ll tell you now that the major combo you want to use is ‘Road Rage’ and ‘Blast Notes’. Essentially, this combo makes very short work of levelling your multipliers, leaving you with a lot more time to actually score points. It is a little unbalanced, but the new framework for using all of your Rock Band songs provides a very fresh spin on the franchise. Of course, metal songs and other fast songs work best, but I rarely ran into songs I would call outright bad to play, and I was rarely not having fun. The game encourages a heavy social atmosphere, with the implementation of ‘Score Wars’, leaderboards and community goals. On paper, these concepts are great. They’re very involving and make the game much deeper and richer. However, to truly take advantage of these features, you have to use the Facebook application instead of the game itself. Facebook is not the issue here; using another means to utilise these features feels obtrusive and annoying. Placing full use of these features within the game itself would have been the natural thing to do. Also, the game does not have a lot of staying power without the use of powerups, but in a baffling design decision, data pertaining to powerup access and use, as well as scores and the like, is completely tied to the servers, meaning an online connection is essentially required all the time when playing the game. All this does is cause frustration and, in the end, makes no sense. How hard is programming an offline, local save file? It’s not like pretty much every other game in existence does it. Aside from those two gripes, Rock Band Blitz is great fun. It’s a nice callback to the rhythm games of yore and, with a cheap price tag, is recommended.

8/10

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PS3, 360 REVIEWED BY: CONNOR WHITE

18/09/2012 10:02:25 AM

Ask Someone Better

Emil Cholich

How’s your life going? Probably pretty poorly - I mean you’re reading a student magazine, your day has probably sucked, and you’re ugly. Look at you, it’s horrible you even exist. Don’t you wish you’d made better life choices? No, because the only life choices you’ve made yourself have been screw ups, so why not ask someone who’s better at life than you. Email me your life dilemmas, and I guarantee you a response of some nature, whether it’s a heart warming paragraph or three, or just a picture of a donkey doing some stuff to a goat. emilcholich@me.com Hey Emil I’m a store that relies on patronage, would you like a heated milk filled with dirt, or perhaps a four week old cake? Too bad because I’m going to instead try to figure out if I can grow third arms on my staff so that they can have room for another sleeve tattoo. Sincerely, half of Perth’s baristas at the moment. Dear hip-cafe joints in Perth, No thank you, I rarely drink coffee, it’s not so much that I hate it, it’s just I don’t think I love it enough to be allowed to drink it in your establishment. Your staff seem to love making coffee so much they can’t bear to part with it, each cup is like bringing a new baby into the world, and they lovingly adopt the Spartan child rearing methodology of making a baby then leaving it out in the cold to fend for itself. The cold stale liquid you’ll eventually get will more closely resemble someone pouring river water into a quarter full carton of Masters Coffee Chill.

I’ve been to one particular cafe (that I suppose I should leave nameless for fear of being sued) many times over the past couple of years and I continue to be semi-served by the same chick. It’s weird, it’s almost as if apathetically making one coffee an hour isn’t leading her to a brighter future. She almost doesn’t realize the endless potential of the million rung ladder in the corporate structure of the cafe, one day she might rise to the level of head hipster, she’ll only listen to bands that haven’t been formed yet, and eventually she’ll gain the ability to roll her eyes at a rate of 40 times per second. I work in hospitality, I have bad days, I’m rude occasionally, but I’m never arrogant about my position. Working at an entry level job making extremely regular coffee is hardly grounds for a pompous attitude. I have a feeling that you somehow think you’re doing your customers a favor by not being falsely nice. There’s a difference between being ecstatic and being a cunt. Usually when I use the word cunt I like to pad it out with something like “shit cunt” or “dumb cunt” it softens the blow. It’s a powerful word and bracing people for it is something I always take care to do when I’m about to use it. But your staff are just that; cunts. Plain and simple. Emil

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I like the statement you’re making about Nazi Germany by making everyone line up to wait for each coffee to be made individually, and then without acknowledging whether you’ve understood their order or not, leaving them to stand at your

counter wondering if you heard them over the clanking of the 18 piercings each of your staff has adopted as a uniform.

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18/09/2012 10:02:25 AM

October 10 & 11

Collaboration between the Curtin Student Guild and the Murdoch Student Guild

Location Pre-performance drinks and nibbles at 6pm, John Curtin Gallery Performance in the Bankwest Lecture Theatre at 7:15pm Tickets purchase from Guild Reception for $5 Ticket and Event inquiries: women@guild.curtin.edu.au Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/#!/events/275938295847910/

Proceeds go towards VDAY Foundation and White Ribbon

A CURTIN STUDENT GUILD INITIATIVE

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20/09/2012 12:57:30 PM

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20/09/2012 12:57:30 PM