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TO STAND WHERE JESUS STOOD, TO SEE WHAT HE SAW, YOU’LL FEEL HIS MIRACLES COME ALIVE INSIDE YOU. When you come to the site where Jesus met Peter and started His Galilee ministry, your mind leaps back across the centuries and you feel the Bible come alive as never before. Experience the wonder of the Holy Land in person. You’ll never be the same.

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contents

THE BODY ISSUE Addressing the ways in which we view, treat, misuse, care for, and worship our bodies

7 EDITOR’S LETTER 9 Reflections On David’s courage

10 HONOURING OUR BODIES Our bodies are created by God to be used to honour Him. We can improve but must remember that we cannot completely change them

12 CATHOLIC CONVERSATIONS Church bodies and their politics. Why can’t we all just get along?

14 PREPARING TO SUFFER One man’s fight against cancer

17 FIELD NOTES Vol. 6 In the latest chapter on the journey to finding love, we pass the mike over to Joy Eggerichs of Love and Respect (Now)

FEATURES: 24 iROBOT Reflecting on what it means to be human in a dehumanizing age

28 Porn addiction A marriage torn apart by porn addiction and the struggle of recovery

32 The converge guide to the holy land One week in Israel, walking where Jesus walked

40 naked & Unashamed Your body is a temple, but when does it become an idol?

18 Body Pursuit Why most people aren’t hungry for cake, pastries, and chips but instead want love and connection

20 TATTOOS

46 Have you read?

Not just for the misfits anymore

Why did Jesus, Moses, The Buddha, and Mohammed cross the road?

22 BODY IN WORSHIP

48 Last word

Finding the Spirit in our actions

my This is a m !

progr

How we censor ourselves from God

30

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converge 12 | May - June 2013 Converge Media Inc. #301 - 291 East 2nd Ave Vancouver B.C. V5T 1B8 604.558.1982 1.888.899.3777 editor

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Craig Ketchum, Chelsea Batten, Michelle Sudduth, Michael Lee, Flyn Ritchie, Alastair Sterne, Julia Sterne, Nick Schuurman, Sam McLoughlin, Ken Shigematsu, Joel Krahn, Andrew Rozalowsky, Charles Bakker, Jacob Kownacki, Carly Martin

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LETTERS

A SCATHING RESPONSE

The donuT man // heroic faiTh in china // iS evangeliSm dead? // learning To live inTenTionally

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MAR - APR 2013 | Issue 11

AND THE GLOVES ARE OFF...

Forgive us for stating the painfully obvious, but Canadians take their hockey very seriously. So when our last issue dropped, addressing the issue of violence in our unofficial national sport, we were bombarded with your feedback. Whether you were defending fighting, or relieved that we outwardly questioned the ethics of our most loved sport, everyone had an opinion.

Colosseum flashback Just wanted to say how much I appreciated the willingness of Converge magazine to openly have a discussion about violence in sports, and particularly in hockey. It reminded me of an experience that I had two years ago with my then five year old son at a Flames game. Two players squared off to fight for some reason, one that I am sure no one remembers now. By the end of the fight everyone was on their feet, the sound was deafening and I thought to myself ‘is this what the Colosseum looked like in the first century?’

Is this something that I want to expose my kids to, a game that I want to encourage them to participate in, when I am trying to promote non violence in our home? It's forced me to think hard about how much attention I give this sport.

—Brad, Alta.

4 | CONVERGE. may - june 2013

Even without the overdrawn photography, completely irrelevant opening paragraph, and obvious distance from actual experience … this was a poor article.

It lacks thorough research, even-handed argumentation of a complex issue, and practical application for genuinely concerned readers (are there any of those any more?) Not only that, but it communicates a weak and withdrawn Christianity that white North American effeminate “Jesus” would be proud of.

Did you know fighting related deaths are next to none? Did you know injuries during fighting are enormously fewer than injuries during play? Did you know enforcers do NOT get punched in the head for a living but are actually quite talented and essential parts of every hockey team?

I laughed when I was led to wonder if I should watch sports that are risky. But then cringed when I read, “We can’t discount the value of sport” followed by references to MJ (burnt out and missing his god of basketball), Lance (whose career is forever tarnished), and Rocky (an imaginary character). That threesome is potentially the most irrelevant list of athletes you could have mentioned and tells me that you have not, in fact, been blessed by the world of sport in any real or lasting way. Many have, and they are the ones who should critique sport, not you.

You clearly don’t get it. But that’s ok … athletes do. Bradshaw later admitted [after you conveniently shortened quote] that he'd do it all again. Did you catch that part of the interview? Instead you wrote “concussions are inherent” (I’ve played hockey for two decades without a concussion) and then wrote “fighting is not inherent” (which really is a poor line of argumentation against fighting, if that’s what you were going for).

But the crown jewel, boldly contained in your ambitious title, is a daring reference to the Colosseum of Rome.

Does your conscience flare a bit when you compare a sheet of ice containing professional athletes to a den of lions and their prey? The sport in one case is indisputably to shoot a rubber disk into a net. The other?

Watch and cheer as living flesh is burned, consumed and annihilated before your raised thumb. Mmm. Now you’re seeing the slip-up, aren’t you.

“Will you do what is necessary to stop another suicide?” Great ending question. I would liken it to, “Will you do what is necessary to end poverty or genocide or [fill blank with noble cause].”

The answer is “Yes.” But that’s got nothing to do with fighting in hockey. ­—Eric Reynolds, B.C.

Not sold ON THE ISSUE One thing I did want to say was in regards to the cover of the last magazine. As an ‘avid’ hockey fan/ player I was not pleased with the cover “HOCKEY ARENA – Our Modern day Colosseum?” The cover looks like something used to increase sales at a magazine stand.

— Fraser, Ont.

IN MY Humble OPINION Hockey, like all sports IMHO, should maximize on the skills required and on the physical fitness required and should minimize on the injuries which might potentially exist in the playing of it. SO, also IMHO, people who are against minimizing injury potential by the manner or equipment associated in that playing, are not unlike the crowds that flocked to the Roman Amphitheaters. I think we should have evolved beyond that by now, but obviously not or not everyone.

— Roy, B.C.

3 VALID POINTS THAT NEED TO BE MADE I just read the article in the latest issue of Converge magazine about fighting and headshots in hockey. I am really glad that people are starting to take this issue more seriously all around the world of sports.

I grew up playing hockey, and even as a goaltender I had a few concussions throughout my career, both in minor hockey and in junior. Hockey is a very fast paced sport which has a lot of potential for injury, and when you throw fighting into the mix as well, it can be a very dangerous sport to participate in.

There has been a lot of debate recently on whether fighting in hockey is necessary anymore, and to be honest, I think there are good arguments for both sides. While I was happy to see this topic addressed in the magazine, I was pretty disappointed at some of the stances taken by the writers. #1 – No one is forced to fight While there used to be specific ‘Tough Guys’ designated on each team, this is hardly the case any more. Players like Tom Sestito (Vancouver Canucks), the Late Rick Rypien (Winnipeg Jets), or Jordan TooToo (Detroit Red Wings), are all players who do, or did, fight — but could also play the game at a very high level.

This article seems to make the case that fans and organizations are making players fight against their will, but in reality players fight to stick up for their teammates or change the momentum of the game. #2 – Crosby Hit This article seems to make the statement that Sidney Crosby, after his second concussion, did not want to come back and play hockey, but was enticed by a large contract in order to do so.

Also, both of Crosby’s concussions happened on plays that resulted in an elbow to the head outside of the context of a fight. #3 – Christian Ethics I do think that as Christians we can stand up to injustice and stand for love rather than violence in our world, but sometimes it is not our decision what other people choose to do. No one is forcing players to fight or play hockey. It is a high speed game, and with it comes a lot of danger.

Thanks very much for the article — I love that this discussion is happening and appreciate both of you guys for writing it!

NICE TO TWEET You @joyeggerichs @CONVERGE_mag she was amazing. 1 hr turned to 2 but it was worth it!! Thank you so much for the opportunity to share and make a new friend.

@PaulAngone @CONVERGE_mag Ha! Agreed.

Any decade that could effectively contain Hot Pockets and Family Double Dare is right by me #90s

@ciaragale @thechelseagrin @CONVERGE_mag thank you for a great chat and not asking me who my favorite glee star is. #notaboutthatlife

@VANweloveyou Summer 'fun' planning with @CONVERGE_mag over @49thParallel coffee. Now wired (and pumped!) for the day!!

Weeeeeeee!

@kathygko Hockey Arena Our Modern Day Colosseum ow.ly/joPOk (I need to get this issue of @CONVERGE_mag!)

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— New York Times, April 15, 2013

I’m

Photo by Shua Her

still pretty shocked by the events that transpired on April 15th. I can’t shake the attack, partially because of the symbolism it held. The violence targeted an event that celebrated the strength and determination of the human spirit as well as the potential of the human body.

We all know our days are numbered. Still, most of us hope that we will live to a respectable old age, going peacefully while surrounded by loved ones. We want natural causes to take us, not man-made acts of terror.

And this is the way it would be in a world not so corrupted by sin. But the world is not perfect. And sadly, people aren’t either.

To some extent we feel immortal, like nothing can touch us. Even if something does, we think we’ll at least get a bit of warning.

There was no warning for the three who passed away in the Boston Marathon bombings. There was no warning for the athletes who lived to run, but who now can no longer run.

At any time our bodies can be disfigured, damaged, or even completely taken away. Our physical forms are wonderful creations that can perform so many beautiful things, but they won’t last forever.

A friend of mine ran in the Sun Run yesterday (an annual Vancouver 10K), less than a week after the Boston marathon. She cut out the words “For Boston” in bright yellow fabric and glued them to her royal blue top. After the run, she posted on Facebook what I think is a compassionate homage and a beautiful reflection of the human body: “Knowing some injured in Boston may never run or even walk again, I am reminded to be grateful for the mere ability to train, run and steward my body. Everything given to us is a gift. Are we taking what we have for granted? Do we feel that we are entitled to healthy bodies? It can all be taken away in just a moment.”

The catastrophe of April 15 affirmed that our bodies can be instruments of great potential, but they can also let us down. Our bodies are temporary shells, mere rentals really. And although we should take good care of them, train and condition them, they are not our salvation; to put any real lasting trust in them is foolish.

Eventually they will fail us. Sometimes without warning.

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reflections

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1

samuel

1 7: 47

“Then all this assembly shall know that the Lord does not save with sword and spear; for the battle is the Lord’s, and He will give you into our hands.”

He was way too young to fight alongside his brothers.

While they took up arms during the war, it was his job to keep the family sheep farm alive.

But one day he got his chance to get close to the battle lines. His father had sent him to take some bread and cheese to his brothers, and when he arrived, he heard the champion of the enemy army defying the boy’s people, defying his God. It infuriated him.

The boy asked his brothers why everybody was too petrified to do anything about it, but his brothers belittled his words and tried to send him packing. His outburst was reported back to the king — it was dangerous to have insubordination in the ranks.

After the king questioned the boy, we learned that, despite his age, he was a great shepherd — one who had faced fierce wild predators. The boy declared he would face up to this champion; the foe would end up dead, like one of those beasts.

So began the story of David and Goliath. You are likely familiar with the ending: David tried on armour, but shunned it in favour of a sling and five smooth stones. He ran out to face Goliath and his shield-bearer, who were disgusted at their puny opposition. But the crowd was in for a surprise when David killed the giant with his first shot.

So how do we muster up courage like David?

While our fight is not against f lesh and blood, every one

of us has battles that require great amounts of courage. But where does it come from?

Though we can all “muster up” courage — maybe to go adventuring, or to begin a relationship, or maybe it’s to resolve a conf lict — we can also walk around under feelings of shame and inferiority.

We can’t muster up the required amount of courage on our own all the time.

But I think we can get a lot further when we drop the “I.” Our confidence comes from knowing God can do what we can’t. And that God actually wants to fill us with good things. Without accepting these two things, I think we live life with self-imposed limitations.

It seems to me that people who know they are loved live with less fear. Child psychologists tell us if a baby develops in an environment where she’s loved, she’ll probably turn out a lot better than the baby who develops without the same level of intimacy.

David’s source of courage was closeness with God. He cultivated a relationship with God as a lifestyle. Our friends rub off on us, and God does too. David lived his life close to God, so he was well acquainted with God’s love and God’s character.

God is courageous. God has no fear at all. His character then became David’s character. So much so that the men who were close to him actually ended up conquering giants too.

—Craig Ketchum convergemagazine.com

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SELF

as God intended Getting to the heart of the (physical) matter

By Ken Shigematsu

W

hen I was 15, I played football for the North Surrey Lions. I would sometimes look at myself in the mirror and admire how massive I looked … until I took off my football pads! I was a really skinny kid. Back then I admired my younger sister’s naturally broad shoulders. I once told her, “If had your physique, I could be a linebacker in the NFL.” She answered, “If I had your skinny legs, I could be a runway model.”

Throughout our adolescent years my sister went on countless diets, even going so far as to wear a homemade tracksuit made from Glad garbage bags. I did countless bench presses with my Sears plastic cement-filled weights in our basement. We were both trying in vain to reach our ideal body types, which would forever elude us.

While most of us would like to change a thing or two about our bodies, we tend to see as vain and superficial those people

who are obsessed with working out or dieting to attain a certain body type.

Certainly, excessive exercise, some forms of dieting, and cosmetic surgery can be motivated by vanity. But the care of our bodies through regular exercise, adequate sleep, and healthy eating constitutes a foundational part of our rule, our trellis that supports our life with God. The body, mind, and spirit are interconnected. This means that physical practices are also spiritual practices. When we attend to the basic needs of our bodies, we will likely find ourselves more attentive to God and more available to people. Conversely, if we neglect our bodies, we will find that they will eventually scream out for our attention.

Our Body Matters Historically, Christians have had an inconsistent view of the importance of the physical body. Some Christians, influenced by ancient Greek dualistic thinking, have believed that while the soul is good, the body is evil.

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Honouring our bodies

The Seawall, Vancouver's number one destination for outdoor fitness. About 8 million visitors, both locals and tourists, use the 22 km path for walking, running, cycling, and skating per year.

Scripture, however, affirms that while the body, like the mind The Resurrected Body and spirit, has been infected by the sin virus and has the capacThe future resurrection of our bodies (1 Corinthians 6:14) is ity for evil, it also reflects the image of God and thus has the also a compelling motive for treating them well in the present potential for good and is worthy of respect and care. In Psalm time. I have a friend who half-jokingly refers to his body as an 139:13–14, David lyrically expresses how marvelously God has old Chevy — in need of tune-ups and replacement parts. While crafted each of us: “For you created my inmost being; you knit our bodies may eventually take on similarities to an old car, me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you for I am fearthey are not destined to disintegrate in a junkyard. The Scripfully and wonderfully made.” We can easily think this is true ture tells us that our bodies will one day be raised from the dead of David himself (at least of Michelangelo’s statue of David) or and we will inhabit glorious resurrected bodies of everlasting those who are featured in People’s list of the one hundred most splendor. beautiful people in the world, but not us with our less-thanWhen baseball legend Mickey Mantle was dying of diseases perfect bodies. Still, the psalmist affirms that each one of our brought on by a life of heavy drinking, he said that he would bodies in all their uniqueness are created by God and are fearhave taken better care of himself had he only known how long fully and wonderfully made. he was going to live.

By becoming a flesh-and-blood human being in the person When we understand that we will live eternally and that of Jesus Christ, God demonstrates that he values and honours there will be continuity between our current bodies and our the human body. If the human body were inherently evil, God resurrected bodies in the age to come, we have enormous innever would have clothed himself in one. So His decision to centive to care for them. take on a body — the Christian doctrine of the incarnation — is We also see in Scripture that God offers personal and practithe highest affirmation of our physical bodies. God blessed our cal care for the body. physical bodies, declaring at creation that what he had made The prophet Elijah, zealous for the honour of God, had was “very good.” Because of the work of Christ, challenged the pagan prophets of Baal to a the living God can actually reside in our bodies showdown on Mount Carmel. After a stunning by his Spirit. According to the apostle Paul, if victory in which fire rained down from heaven and we belong to Christ, our bodies house the Holy consumed Elijah’s sacrifice, he experienced one of Spirit: “Do you not know that your bodies are the high moments of his life. Yet soon afterward, temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom Elijah learns that Queen Jezebel, infuriated by you have received from God? You are not your his victory over her prophets, has retaliated by own; you were bought at a price. Therefore threatening to kill him. Physically, emotionally, honour God with your bodies.” and spiritually exhausted, Elijah runs for his God honours our bodies, but we also learn Ken Shigematsu is the Senior life — about twenty miles into the wilderness of Pastor at Tenth Church, that our bodies are not our own — they are on Judah. Coming upon a broom tree, he collapses one of the largest and most loan to us. and, turning suicidal, prays that he might die. At diverse city-centre churches Several years ago when I moved to Southern that moment, an angel touches him and invites in Canada.

He resides in California to help begin a new church, John and him to eat. Elijah looks around, and there by his Vancouver with his wife Sakiko Carol, a couple who travelled up to half the year and young son Joey. The head is some bread baked over hot coals and a jar for their work, invited me to live in their lovely Shigematsus enjoy exploring of water. He eats and drinks and then lies down home overlooking the ocean free of charge. I nature together through hiking, again. The angel comes back a second time and was especially grateful for their generosity, as sailing, and delighting in the touches him and gives him more freshly baked my salary was only $200 a month at the time. company of Sacha their golden bread and water (1 Kings 19:1–9). When Elijah retriever.

Because John and Carol had been so generous is depleted, depressed, and physically exhausted to me by opening up their house and showing God doesn’t offer him a “spiritual” solution. He me kindness, I wanted to take good care of doesn’t give him a passage to read from the Bible, their home. When they travelled, I made sure or pray for him, or say, “I know a great therapist.”

This excerpt there were no house-wrecking parties. I tried is from Ken’s God offers Elijah two long sleeps. Twice, God to keep their house clean and in good repair. provides him with freshly baked bread and two new book, In a similar way, if we’ve been given new life long drinks of water. God’s care for Elijah is God in My in Christ, our bodily “house” belongs to God physical, practical care for his body.

Everything, — a God who has been breathtakingly generWe may not be at the same breaking point which will be ous with us, giving us his only Son so that we as Elijah, but each of us needs the gifts Elijah released in can become his sons and daughters. In light of received from God: sleep, food, and exercise. As July 2013 by God’s mercy to us, we respond by honouring the we receive these physical gifts from God, we will Zondervan. “house” that God has given to us and entrusted find ourselves in a place where we can flourish to our care. spiritually.

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| 11

catholic conversations

Church body politics Why can't we all just get along?

By Charles Bakker

it began last fall with my prayer group. We were going through a study on the practice of listening prayer, the act of learning how to let the Holy Spirit speak directly to us by simply listening. Throughout those weeks, I learned you can’t have a relationship with someone if you’re the one who’s doing all the talking. What’s more, I learned God really does speak to us. If we only just listen to Him. That’s when I started to wonder: what would happen if all of God’s children learned to listen like this?

Can you imagine what it would’ve been like if all the popes, patriarchs, and reformers of years past had been willing to pray together for God’s leading? I’m convinced if every Christian had practiced listening to God through prayer, reading the Bible, and sharing what they learned with other believers, the church would look different than it does today.

There would be unity in the church. And it wouldn’t involve compromising the truth.

Unity in the church is more complex and beautiful than I once thought. It isn’t this idea that we all feel exactly the same about everything. We aren’t called to be a collective of robots.

We’re a living, breathing, growing body. And just like a body, not every part is the same.

When it comes to issues of preference, we should expect differences. We’re all created uniquely, with different passions, ministries, and gifts. Yet each of us has something to offer.

In 1 Corinthians 12:4-7, Paul teaches, “Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit. And there are varieties of ministries, and the same Lord. There are varieties of effects, but the same God who works all things in all persons. But to each one is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good.”

We are different, but we have the same Spirit. That’s why we can have unity between those who love traditional liturgy and those who connect better with a more contemporary style of praise and worship. People who praise God share the same Spirit. Even if they don’t share the same hymn book.

So what does it look like to share the same Spirit? How do we actually live out this calling?

12 | CONVERGE.

may - june 2013

Paul says we’re “called with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace” (Ephesians 4:1-3). These are the fruits of the Spirit in action.

This is love. Which, incidentally, is the perfect bond of unity.

Many churches have pursued this unity and this love at the cost of holding firmly to the truth. They’re not wrong in desiring unity. The root of the problem isn’t their preference for unity over truth; that’s merely the symptom.

Where these churches err is in failing to hear the Spirit. And that’s not just a church-thing. That’s where most of us get it wrong in our own lives, too. Those of us who have sacrificed unity for the sake of truth have also failed to live out our calling as the body of Christ.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t take a stand for truth. The Bible is very clear we must avoid error and false doctrines.

Disunity can only exist when something is supposed to be in unity. And there can be no unity between truth and error or between the gospel and heresy.

The question is: how can we know the truth?

It’s the Holy Spirit who reveals what’s true in the first place.

Jesus promises, “But when He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you into all the truth; for He will not speak on His own initiative, but whatever He hears, He will speak; and He will disclose to you what is to come” (John 16:13). It’s this Spirit of truth who brings about unity. There can’t be disunity and error when we’ve followed the Spirit’s guidance.

Lots of people, including myself, struggle to discern what’s from God and what’s not. It’s easy to say we should follow the Spirit’s leading. Figuring out what this looks like practically isn’t as easy. In fact, the traditional doctrines of authority in the Orthodox, Catholic, and Protestant churches are all attempts to crystalize this process.

The Orthodox and Catholics both believe there are certain revealed truths which aren’t contained in the Bible. Truths are shared through the traditions and teachings of the church, which Jesus has established.

Many Protestants have criticized this doctrine, claiming it has allowed certain errors to creep into the church, especially concerning salvation. Instead, Protestants believe the Bible is the only authority for Christians in all matters. This Protestant view has been criticized by Catholics because it leaves the task of interpretation up to the individual Christian, lending itself to error, since people interpret things differently. That’s why we have thousands of divergent Protestant denominations.

And they can’t all be right.

But there is a better way. Drawing from the Orthodox and the Catholic traditions, I believe scripture needs to be interpreted within the context of a community that’s in tune with the Holy Spirit. Paul says as much in his instructions to the church about assembling together (1 Corinthians 14:26-33).

As a church we are to test everything that’s taught or revealed to see if it’s true. And one of the primary ways of doing this is by comparing it to the Bible to see if it lines up with truth. In this context, we can also agree with the Protestants, who believe in the primacy of scripture.

We are the body of Christ. He is our head. And it’s through the Spirit that we live and grow. Let’s give Him a chance to speak.

Charles Bakker lives in Hamilton with his lovely wife Rachel.

He is involved with a basketball outreach program and a prayer ministry at their church, Hughson Street Baptist.

As a part-time student of philosophy, Charles is pursuing a ministry in Academia that he feels God has called him to.

Above all, he would like it known that he loves Jesus.

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| 13

Preparing to Suffer How cancer changed me

By Andrew Rozalowsky

Andrew is a Biblical Studies student at McMaster Divinity College in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada. He blogs at andrewrozalowsky.com and can be found on Twitter @a_rozalowsky.

i knew something was going on in my body.

I felt tired. Two blood clots had developed in my legs. I was starting to bruise easily. Then, two days before Christmas 2011, my doctor called: “It looks like you have leukemia. I’ve arranged for you to meet with the doctor at the cancer centre today.”

I was shocked. As I walked upstairs with trembling legs, I began to cry. I struggled to tell the news to my wife who was taking care of our year-and-a-half-old son.

“I ... they ... think ... I ... have ... have ... cancer.”

After a whirlwind day of blood work and several meetings with the doctor, the diagnosis came back as acute myeloid leukemia. In other words, an aggressive blood cancer.

I was anywhere from a few days to a few weeks away from death.

I had no illusions before I was diagnosed, and I have none now. There is pain, sickness and death everywhere. I know that suffering is part of the current order. So why should I ask “why me?” Why not me?

I had to learn this truth in painfully new ways. I’ve never liked getting my blood drawn. I’ve passed out a half dozen times in my life from blood work. And ironically, I ended up with a blood cancer. I never got used to the poking and prodding or even the pain of bone marrow biopsies. Thankfully, my wife was always right there, holding my hand while I was forced to curl up like a baby so that the large needle could be pushed into my hip bone.

But even in the midst of this pain, God did not leave me alone. Often I would lie on my hospital bed, with hardly a shred of energy from the chemo drugs or

14 | CONVERGE. may - june 2013

from the hardened bone marrow, yet I only needed to look beside me at my wall and read the words my wife wrote out from Psalm 73: “Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

I cried to these words several times. They were so real. It was never a despairing cry; it was a cry of joy.

God is present. God is my strength.

So this is what it means to know God’s presence!

As beautiful and important as this was to me, there was still the added knowledge of a future hope. There isn’t just a God out there who’s able to bring forth creation. He’s also able to bring forth new creation: “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us” (Romans 8:18). All of history is heading somewhere.

God is remaking the earth and all of us with it. And that presence of God I was talking about? It will be total in the new creation!

The four rounds of chemotherapy were effective and the cancer hasn’t come back since. All the same, I do have a 50 per cent chance of relapsing.

Through the difficulties of not knowing whether I would live out the week or the year, I can’t imagine what it would have been like to go through this cancer without knowing God’s presence, and without believing in the promise of his new creation. That knowledge was so partial before the diagnosis, but now it’s a knowledge of a different kind.

In the here and now, I want to use every minute to glorify God with what He has given me. Having been so close to death, it doesn’t seem like such a big deal anymore. I get emotional every time I think about not being around to support my wife or to raise my sons.

But just as my life is wholly in God’s hands, so too are my wife and sons. If we have to go through this sickness again, I’m glad to know that by God’s grace I am even more prepared for it than the first time.

Illustration by Carmen Bright

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13

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LIFE FIELD Notes vol. 6

Joyful ADVICE Chatting with the voice for the next generation of relationships

By Chelsea Batten

I

t’s said that brevity is the soul of wit. And after five volumes of Field Notes sourced exclusively from my own experience, I felt I owed it to everyone to pass the microphone to someone else.

But it was a good excuse to connect with the radiant Joy Eggerichs, who runs Love and Respect (Now). After years of helping out at marriage conferences taught by her pastor parents, Joy had heard countless couples utter the phrase “I wish I’d known this 20 years ago!” She decided to empower her generation with the same information taught at marriage conferences, tailored to help them in their single lives.

Joy has spent even more time than I have examining the foibles of opposite sex relationships; it was refreshing to hear her well-considered opinion, while silently admiring her music video-worthy hair.

Do singles our age know that they need this information? Or is it a hard sell?

I tell my dad “I have a tougher job than you.” He’s coming from academia, plus 30 years of being a pastor. Whereas I’m just a girl who finds male-female relationships interesting.

My mom always says “God didn’t make us husband and wife, he made us male and female.” I think learning to relate as male and female makes you a better person. There’s bad people out there, but for the most part, I think we just get mean to each other. We get impolite. You get comfortable with somebody in a relationship, and stop being polite; you just react out of your wounds.

Starting to think about how we are, as a male or a female, actually is going to benefit the person we date.

I feel like that does speak to a bigger theological question that I wrestle with. I definitely would not be doing what I’m doing with the same amount of love and empathy. I was not a naturally empathetic person.

There recently was a guy that I liked, and I projected onto him craziness! Sheer craziness! [Laughs.] I can see it as a direct tie to that other relationship. Those wounds have left scars that affect me. Could I have gotten here without going to that extreme? I can say in hindsight, I know that I’m healing and that I will heal, but that larger question of “Is it really worth it?”

I don’t know. I think the bigger thing is what do we do with our pain? What’s our choice? How are we going to respond to God in light of that?

How do you respond to people who say things like "It’s great that you’re doing this while you can," meaning "before you get married and settle down"?

The fear is what if I do all this preparing under the veil of “this

Fair enough. But what about the single person who never ends up getting married?

Photo courtesy of Love and Respect (Now)

is for marriage,” and it doesn’t happen?

I think that’s a huge reason why so many people our age that grew up in the church are walking away from their faith. There were things they were promised — you will get married, you will have a great sex life if you wait until marriage. We wrap all that up in our belief system, then we literally cannot keep believing in God if it doesn’t happen. That’s where I see a lot of people are at. Or they keep believing, but they stop making their requests known, because they don’t want to make God a fool. Because if I make my requests known, and he doesn’t do it, that’s going to rock my theology.

You’ve been very open about the fact that your gnarly breakup a few years ago was a catalyst for starting Love and Respect (Now). Would you say that all the heartache you experienced was "worth it?"

That’s so stupid! That’s what makes us so paranoid when we date. It’s the same thing as, “You’re not married yet because God’s got some work to do.” We have made marriage all about someone who makes us happy.

Ultimately, I want to find a partnership with purpose. I feel like if we had more people who go into dating with purpose, marriages and families would have such a different trajectory, beyond me and how I feel.

I don’t think my passion for wanting to help people with relationships will or should change, when I get married.

Joy, you’re awesome. Thank you.

This was fun. Now I have to go answer emails from 20-yearolds about “Why is my boyfriend being so lame?”

For more from Joy, visit her website loveandrespectnow.com convergemagazine.com

| 17

HEALTH

BODY PURSUIT Feeding the wrong kind of hunger

By Julia Sterne

I

18 | CONVERGE. may - june 2013

Illustration by Carly Martin for Converge magazine

Julia Sterne is a registered clinical counsellor. She works with men and women dealing with depression, anxiety, relationship issues, and eating disorders at her private practice, New Story Counselling (newstorycounselling. org). Originally from Florida, she is learning to love the seasons of Vancouver. She and her husband are church planting and enjoy sharing their experiences through writing blogs and articles.

n college I bought into the pursuit of body perfection. I achieved goal after goal of shaping my body, thinking that if I looked better on the outside, something on the inside would feel complete. But nothing changed in my relationships, and the inner part of me felt frustrated and confused. “Why am I not meeting the right guy? I mean, I look pretty darn good. Why do I still feel lonely? Why do I still lack confidence?”

This is a great myth in our culture. There is a body equation many of us buy into. The equation goes something like this: “If I can be thin, then I will be happy,” or “If I can get a six pack, then I will receive attention and affection” or “If I can make myself look like that person, then I will become beautiful, successful, and loved like him/her.” It is a simple equation, but it never truly works.

After all I had done to change my body, I was still lonely, still imperfect, still hungry.

If somebody had only explained to me then that our bodies were not meant to be the avenue of gaining love, acceptance, and belonging, I wouldn’t have wasted hours running and watching what I ate. I would have directed my efforts at the inner problem. I looked to my body to fix all my issues. I pushed myself harder and harder until I truly became sick.

I developed an eating disorder, became extremely

rigid in my schedule, and lost time for relationships. I was riddled with guilt and shame about my life choices, and left in a deep sorrow — all while maintaining a pretty facade of having it all together.

I remember having a clear moment with God and realized my goals of body perfection had failed me.

They had promised happiness and love and a good life.

Only the promise was a lie. I had looked to my body to supply what it could not possibly supply.

This is the scary part of using our bodies as a way to achieve our goals. We can get so caught up in numbers, figures, tape measures, scales, schedules, and work outs that we lose sight of reality. We can begin to live life in one dimension, obsessed with our looks. This is a major factor in the development of mental illnesses like anorexia, bulimia, and body dysmorphia.

Love, affection, and belonging are part of our basic needs. But when we attempt to pursue physical body image changes to receive these things, we will come up empty handed.

I see this everyday in my work as a counsellor; men and women are obsessed with their bodies, but are starving for love and relationship. Our bodies are not made to be manipulated into particular image preferences. They are not made to work tirelessly, in pursuit of the demands to look like so-and-so. And even if we make our bodies our slaves and shape our bodies in that manner, it is still not a guarantee that it will bring confidence, self-assurance, love, relationships, peace, happiness, or power.

Our bodies are a gift, each one unique and shaped as God intended. It’s okay to pursue health and wellness, but if we try to meet desires by altering looks, there’s a good possibility that we’ll get trapped by the myth of the body equation. Body perfection is not only a dangerous pursuit, it’s also an empty one.

I’m not saying it’s easy to stay healthy when we’re bombarded daily with images of body excellence, whether it’s the wafer thin model that graces the fashion editorials of Vogue, or the abnormally fit male model wearing underwear on the bus stop sign. It is no surprise to me that so many of us struggle with feeling “less than” in the area of body image.

It doesn’t help that these people generally seem happy, confident, successful, and content in life and in love. I often forget they are paid models and actors who have full time chefs and fitness trainers. These are real people with real problems. But with perfect bodies and perfect smiling faces on display, it can be easy to trick ourselves into thinking that by achieving such body excellence, we too will have what we desire.

In my counselling practice I ask my clients, “What are you hungry for?” They often answer with glazed over eyes imagining delightful treats, “Pizza, donuts, ice cream, chocolate ... ” My follow-up question is always, “No, what are you really hungry for?” Pausing, usually a little confused, they eventually realize what I am asking. With great ache in their expression the response then becomes, “love, peace, connection, purpose.”

At this moment of revelation, a moment free of bodily pursuits, the heart can be heard. And that’s what is needed for us to move past chasing vain pursuits of bodily perfection.

So ask yourself, “What are you really hungry for?”

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| 19

CULTURE

Wearing the

heart on the skin

20 | CONVERGE. may - june 2013

Flickr photo by Philippe Leroyer http://bit.ly/A3Hxw

in North America has seen a major shift in how it views the issue. While many remain set in their opposition, and others are not so sure, a lot of people — if they aren't already tattooed themselves — simply wouldn't think twice if someone with Body art is no longer just for sailors, marked-up arms stood up and started preaching. soldiers, or the strange.

So why such a sudden change in opinion? Much of the stigma surrounding tattoos for most of the 20th century was because

By Nick Schuurman they were typically associated with the likes of soldiers, sailors, and gang members. But that way of thinking has almost i almost got a tattoo once. disappeared. What is more, tattoos are now associated with I was seventeen, full to the brim with angst, and dead set celebrity and fashion cultures and countercultures, which on what I wanted. I asked my parents, and while it seems has in turn added to their popularity and allure among young completely strange when I think about it now, they hesitantly Christians. The classic Levitical text, often cited by concerned agreed. I was pretty sure you had to be 18 though, so I got them parents, has generally been dismissed in light of its historical to write a signed letter of permission, describing in detail the setting (the verses prior prohibit eating steak cooked rare and design I had in mind. trimming beards). And calls to focus on more urgent matters like evangelism and global justice have limited the extent of the debate.

In an increasingly individualistic context, in which the human body is often viewed as a canvas for creative self-expression, tattoos are seen as a means by which people are able to visually tell their story.

We are creatures that make sense out of symbols, whether they take the form of an image of the cross on your back, a fish on your ankle, or your father's name on your shoulder. “Like the pile of stones that Israel raised when entering the Promised Land to remember God's faithfulness,” writes Matthew Anderson in his book Earthen Vessels, tattoos often function to “remind us of the events that have shaped us, giving a sense of a stable core.”

Still, many remain troubled. “Our bodies aren't ours,” they respond. “They belong to God.” Christians frequently voice their concerns regarding misguided motives, mimicry of broader cultural trends, and the expense of it all ... If nothing else, the issue falls into the Biblical category of “a matter of conscience,” in which case a number of guiding questions, rather than any sort of universal principle or spiritual More than a third of all North American men and law applies. Why is it that you want this so badly? women between 18 and 28 have tattoos. Put into Could having visible tattoos become a point of perspective, that means millennials are four times major division in your family or community, or likelier to invest in ink than their gen-X forerunners. limit your ability to work effectively in other About half of this cohort has either gotten a tattoo, contexts? has had their hair dyed an “untraditional” colour, or The letter my parents wrote never made it into has been pierced in a place other than their ear lobe. anyone's hands. I thought about it for a week, and These numbers, part of a larger, growing trend, are anxious about the permanence of it, decided to generally similar, if not the same both in the context bail on my friends who went ahead and got theirs of the church and outside of it. So basically you are Nick done. There is no doubt in my mind I would have just as likely to sit beside someone on Sunday mornSchuurman regretted the cliché, Latin script I had planned lives in ing who has a tattoo as you are sitting on a city bus. to be printed across my wrist. I hadn't thought it Cambridge, In case you missed it, or weren't alive to hear through, and the decision was more than anything Ontario, and about it, people used to make a big deal about this about fashion. I now have lots of friends with lots studies at sort of thing. A really big deal. Over the course of the McMaster of meaningful and beautiful tattoos, but back then, past two decades, however, the evangelical church Divinity College. it just wasn't for me.

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| 21

CHURCH

BODY IN WORSHIP Finding the Spirit in our actions

By Alastair Sterne

I

22 | CONVERGE.

may - june 2013

Art by Shareheads.com

have a friend who prays quite differently than I do. I’m not talking about her words, although they too are different than my own. It’s actually her posture I have in mind. We were in a small group together, and when it came time to pray she got off the couch and found a space on the floor. There she kneeled, with her face pressed against the ground, and began to pray.

I had a tough time with the posture she took. It actually offended my senses. It seemed all too pious, and smacked of religiosity. I actually felt superior for a moment, and quite judgmental. “Clearly she doesn’t understand the Father’s heart,” I muttered in my cynicism.

When I prayed that day, I remained sitting. I sometimes closed my eyes, but sometimes kept them open. I clasped and unclasped my hands. But generally, I took a more relaxed posture. I felt the freedom to just be myself, and to approach God as I was.

Both of our bodies assumed two radically different poses, and both signified something greater than the positions alone.

I took this more casual position because I felt like I could enter into the presence of God at any time with boldness and confidence because Jesus has made a way. I wasn’t wrong. But I was arrogantly mistaken in my presumptuous attitude towards my friend. It turns out she felt her posture anchored her in a place of humility. Curling up on the floor with her face pressed against the floorboards helped her remember that she needed to reverently come into the presence of a Holy God. She was hardly wrong in her approach.

We were both highlighting different aspects of God’s character.

This got me thinking about what we do with our bodies in

Order your 2013-2014 Student Connection Planners! worship. Because what we do with our bodies matters. We do not worship God as disembodied souls, but as whole people — mind, souls, bodies combined.

We need our bodies to worship God, to speak, to sing, to engage. It seems an obvious point, but I think it’s easily overlooked. We take it so much for granted I’m afraid we aren’t always intentional about how we engage our bodies in worship.

is read, as an act of reverence, and as way to focus, we keep our bodies still and engage our ears. After the Scripture reading we rise to our feet as one to say together the Apostles’ Creed, one of my favourite parts of the service. It’s like reciting a national anthem.

We even attempt to move our mouths together in unison, many bodies as one Body. And most of all, think of communion! We feel the texture of the bread in our hands, we taste it as we chew, smell the aroma of the wine as we sip, and feel its warmth down our throats and into our stomachs.

Our bodies receive his body in a very tangible way.

The more I am intentional with how I involve my body in worship, the more I find my soul folThink about some of the actions of a lowing suit. typical contemporary worship service.

When I saw my friend deliberately You will shuffle your feet into the sancchanging her posture to approach God, tuary. You make notes with your vocal something eventually clicked for me. chords as you sing songs, using your Sometimes we just need to get our bodtongue, passing air through your throat, ies in the right place, or even the right mouth and lips. If you’re feeling particuposture. We are people not merely conlarly “led by the Spirit” you will lift your tained in bodies, but who experience all arms, raise your hands, open your chest of life through our bodies. More often and lift your face to God as you worship. than not, I still remain sitting when I Sometimes tears may even appear, or pray. But I’ve come to see that there are a smile may crack. At some point you many postures I can take in worship. welcome others, shaking hands, making And there are many physical actions I physical contact as well as eye-contact. can take in order to connect with God. You will sit on your rear, and listen with I have even found my face pressed your ears to announcements. Your brain against my dusty floor on occasion. engages, your emotions stir, and your inWe should intentionally engage our tellect clues in as you hear a sermon. bodies in worship. God wants us to use What do many of these actions tell us? our bodies! Our senses, our bodies, and What meaning is found in our standing our movements help us to engage tanand our sitting, our singing and our lisgibly with spiritual realities. We should tening? Can the actions of our bodies make sure the way we worship with our help incline us towards God? bodies is not just passive I come from an Anglican and mindless. We should perspective, so let me share strive to be active particiabout how my tradition inpants in God’s great story. volves the body. In addition God has given us many ways to standing, sitting, listento engage him with every ing, and singing, we throw single fibre and molecule of a few other actions into the our being. Worship involves mix. We put the weight of our our bodies. I don’t know how bodies on our knees when we to worship God without my Alastair Sterne has a confess our sins. We lower body. master’s in Biblical ourselves to remember, like Studies from Asbury I think this is why my friend does, that we must Theological Seminary.

Paul says: “I appeal to contritely come before our He is the pastor of you therefore, brothers, Holy Father.

St. Peter’s Fireside, by the mercies of God, to After hearing comforting a church plant in present your bodies as a Vancouver, B.C. He words from Christ about living sacrifice, holy and is still waiting to say our forgiveness, we stand acceptable to God, which something original on knowing that it is God who is your spiritual worship.”

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I’m afraid we aren’t always intentional about how we engage our bodies in worship.

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iRobot A reflection on what it means to be human

words By Sam McLoughlin 24 | CONVERGE. may - june 2013

Illustration by Jacob kownacki

i

I used to watch a lot of sci-fi movies when I was a kid. My dad was into the weird ’80s stuff, and let me watch things he probably shouldn’t have, like Dune, Total Recall, and Terminator 2. There are lots of sci-fi movies that warn us of a future where the robots will take over the world, and humanity will have to revolt, or face extinction.

Somewhere along the line, I stumbled upon the ’70s version of The Stepford Wives. It scared the heck out of me. It might just be the most terrifying robot movie of all, because it’s so much closer to reality. It paints a future where, instead of fighting the robots, we end up loving them.

I could handle space aliens and terminators. But I couldn’t handle good-looking women who were secretly robots.

After watching it as a pre-teen, I remember thinking to myself, “I don’t want to marry a robot. I don’t want to live with a bunch of robots. And I don’t want to become a robot.”

Things have changed since those days of yore when my family didn’t actually own a TV (we borrowed one once a month), and when the Internet wasn’t even a thing. In some ways, I can feel that tragic vision coming true.

Sometimes I treat other people like robots, just there to fulfill a function for me: serving food, pumping gas, providing a false sense of community at a coffee shop.

Not to mention my uncanny ability to see women as mere sexual objects. I find it hard to connect with others, because I tend to care more about the people I see on screen than the ones I see around me.

Something’s wrong.

Everyday I feel my condition is getting worse. I notice I have a hard time talking to one person for very long, or doing anything for very long, really: reading, listening, working. I even walked out of a movie recently because I found myself playing games on my phone, feeling oppressed that someone would ask me to pay attention to them for a full two hours. I can hardly sit through a TV show if there are ads involved.

I never buy entire albums anymore, because I usually get sick of most musicians’ sounds after a couple songs and want to hear something else. I can’t get through an entire book without buying three more.

I am addicted to the ever-changing glimmering sea of information and images before me, dancing relentlessly for my attention. I stand before it, motionless, mesmerized, and desperate for more.

I worry about what I am becoming, where my addiction is taking me.

Allan Bloom, a former philosophy professor at the University of Chicago, noticed the effects of this kind of overstimulation in his students. He likened it to drug addiction.

“In my experience,” he explains, “students who have had a serious fling with drugs — and gotten over it — find it difficult to have enthusiasms or great expectations. It is as though the colour has been drained out of their lives and they see everything in black and white. The pleasure they experienced in the beginning was so intense that they no longer look forward to the end .... They may function perfectly well, but dryly, routinely. Their energy has been sacked and they do not expect their life’s activity to produce anything but a living.”

The drugs may not be chemical, but over time, the result is the same.

People who function dryly, routinely — their lives are sapped of creativity and maturity.

I notice my routine breaks down on Sundays when I go to church, if only for a little while. I fix a smile to my lips and politely sing along with uncomplicated choruses I’ve repeated hundreds of times before. I listen to a 30 minute sermon that taxes my patience while I resist the urge to play games on my phone. I brush shoulders with people of different ages, races, and stages in life who I don’t know through Facebook. Then I’m asked to give cash to support this second rate production and to fund missionaries in countries I’ve never heard of.

In these moments, I feel like I am caught between two religions. Two ways of thinking, being, living.

The new, and the old.

I suppose religion isn’t only comprised of your

I could handle space aliens and

terminators. But I couldn’t handle good-looking women who were secretly robots.

Sometimes I feel like I’m becoming a robot too. I feel programmed. I shop to buy happiness, I watch TV to cure my boredom.

I stay busy and distracted in every waking moment in an effort to ignore, as the late David Foster Wallace puts it, “that constant gnawing sense of having had, and lost, some infinite thing.”

I am dependent on a system where I feel connected to everything and everyone, yet disconnected from myself. From my heart, and from my dreams.

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thoughts on God, or the morals you choose to believe are right. A religion is a way of life. It provides a vision of what you, and what the rest of humanity, should be.

I asked John Stackhouse, an old professor of mine from Regent College, whether religion is a decent metaphor for the technology I am experiencing in my day-to-day. “Well, your religion is what gets you up in the morning; occupies most of daydreams; triggers your deepest joys, sorrows, or angers; connects you with what ultimately matters; and consoles you when you’re lonely, sad, or frustrated.

If your iPod, smartphone, tablet, or PC plays those roles, guess what?”

I suppose he’s right: if religion is a way of life, my way is directed much more by technology than by my professed God. You might even call it an idol.

In the Old Testament, God was very upset any time the Israelites worshipped idols. It seemed to happen a lot, as if they preferred to worship a god they could actually see.

But God wanted his people to live differently: to “learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed.

Take up the cause of the fatherless; plead the case of the widow.” (Isaiah 1:17) He demanded from them a different way of being human.

It started with worship, because, as the Psalmist said: “their idols are silver and gold, made by the hands of men.

Those who make them will be like them, and so will all who trust in them.”

NT Wright says, “You become like what you worship. When you gaze in awe, admiration, and wonder at something or someone, you begin to take on something of the character of the object of your worship.”

I admit I spend a lot more time “gazing in awe” at my screens and machines than I do at my proclaimed Lord. I look to them for my everyday salvation from what ails me: boredom, meaninglessness, even suffering.

26 | CONVERGE. may - june 2013

There is an old ’80s TV mini-series called The Decalogue, where each episode roughly corresponds to the Ten Commandments. The first commandment is (say it with me), “I am the LORD your God ... you shall have no other gods before me.” And the first film just happens to be focused on technology.

It features a story about Krzysztof, a mathematics professor, and his young son, Pavel. Krzysztof teaches his son there is no problem a computer cannot solve.

When Christmas comes around, Pavel gets some skates and wants to go skating on a nearby lake. So Pavel and his father use the computers to predict when it will be safe enough to venture out on the ice.

When that time comes around, Pavel, trusting his father’s science and technology, goes skating on his own, without his father’s permission.

And then the ice breaks. He drowns.

Krzysztof, an atheist, makes his way home, inconsolable. However, his computer companions can’t help him. So he leaves, and finds a church.

Falling upon the altar, he violently pushes it over.

A candle drips wax on a painting of the Virgin Mary, just below the eyes. Here, suffering is received and engaged.

This film reminds me what Sunday mornings have to offer, what real faith has to offer. God uses methods that may seem difficult and boring to shape us into people who can handle suffering. He does this so that we may grow into people who understand what it means to be truly human. Instead of running from suffering through endless distraction, He asks us to go through it, and lets it shape us into better people.

Whenever I go to church, I see lots of kids running around. What would it be like to raise a child in this age of omnipresent screens? Kids are bombarded with images of how they’re supposed to look, and what gadgets they’re supposed to use; advertisers target them to buy into the newest game, song or film.

Companies are spending almost $17 billion yearly to garner their attention. How, as a parent, could I teach my children to value the really important things in life? How could I raise them to become people who don’t just live dryly, routinely, but instead “defend the oppressed. Take up the cause of the fatherless; plead the case of the widow”?

I suppose I’d start by making them go to church.

I’d make them brush shoulders with people of different ages, and sing songs about more timeless, important things than they hear on the radio. I’d take

There is a part of me that is immature, the conversation. Then she brought me back a cinnamon bun.

I could feel something change inside of me. Through this connection, I felt a little bit more human.

God created us for connection: with each other, and with Himself. He didn’t create us to be robotic Stepford wives, programmed to say “I love you.” He didn’t create us to be people who shrink from conflict or collapse under the weight of suffering.

He made us to be mature beings who reflect his image, through and through.

He wants us to experience everything life has to offer through our lives, rather than our screens. And He does not want us to treat others like robots, people who we feel are just there to fulfill a function for us. Instead, we’re created to invest deeply in them, to carry their burdens and build deep relationships with them.

He expects more of us than our technology does. He expects us to be human. To reflect His image, rather than the ones we see on our screens.

spoiled, and scatterbrained. I must learn

to discipline that voice: to stop feeding it whenever it cries out for its fix. away their iPads and ask them to listen politely to a sermon about the Ten Commandments. And even if they were uncomfortable, crying out for their screens, I wouldn’t give in, because I’d know what is good for them. I’d know what kind of person I’m trying to bring them up to be.

The same applies to me. There is a part of me that is immature, spoiled, and scatterbrained. I must learn to discipline that voice: to stop feeding it whenever it cries out for its fix. To take it to church and make it listen. And to not let it shape that man that I become.

This morning, I sat on my computer, restless and straining myself to come up with a non-clichéd conclusion to this article. You can only hear “so go be a better Christian!” so many times before it starts to lose its potency.

As I sat in Starbucks, a woman across the table smiled at me, asking me about my day. I’d seen her a few times before. Her hands were shaking.

“Fine. You?” I replied politely.

“I had a CT scan done this morning. They stuck a big needle in my head. It hurt.”

Every nerve in my body screamed out to me to shrink from her comment with a cursory “That’s too bad.” I wanted to open my computer, put my headphones on and finish my article about how I need to be a better human and show love to people.

It’s easy to write about such things.

Instead, I asked her tell me more. She told me how the doctors think she has MS, and how she gets a new test done every week; how she lives by herself and doesn’t talk much to people. We chatted for a while, and I resisted the urge to check my phone when it started buzzing. She left, smiled, and thanked me for

Sam McLoughlin is a freelance writer and author of The Default Life. Visit Sam’s personal website, sammcloughlin.com for more of his writing.

convergemagazine.com

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It’s 6 a.m. Somebody’s screaming.

You groggily make your way to the living room to investigate, and find your husband, passed out on the living room couch, with a beer in his hand.

The screaming is coming from your big screen TV. And it’s the most disgusting sex scene you’ve ever seen in your life.

This is Laura’s story.

By Leanne Janzen | Art by Michael Lee

28 | CONVERGE.

may - june 2013

I’m

on the other end of the receiver, acutely aware of what it means to tell me, a perfect stranger, the most intimate details of her life. But Laura elaborates with an articulate and clear voice, almost matter-of-fact at times.

She describes herself and her husband as being “those really good Christian kids.” The kind of girl who dated a guy from church, fell in love, and then got married about five years later. All the while abstaining from sex.

“If we do this one thing, stay virgins,” she says she remembers thinking, “then Jesus will bless us and everything will be perfect.”

Growing up in the evangelical church, it’s a paradigm I can easily relate to. I remember receiving a True Love Waits pin at one of those high school youth events where the speaker yell-whispers into the microphone. The message: abstinence will eventually make your sex life better.

Just trust us.

Laura says she had no idea her husband watched porn until seven years into her marriage.

About 70 per cent of guys 18 to 24 visit pornographic websites every month. And it’s something that affects even the most spiritual among us: more than 30 per cent of pastors have gone online to watch porn in the past year.

But even though it’s more common than we think, it’s still a taboo subject. Especially at church.

During their premarital counselling sessions, Laura says the only sexually related question her pastor asked them was whether they were still virgins. She says she wishes her pastor would have asked more questions about sex and their own expectations.

After she found her husband on that day, the lying-on-the-couch-day, Laura says he initially denied he was watching porn. He did eventually confess, and was overcome with shame and grief. And he was just so embarrassed.

“I knew a lot of my friends’ husbands who looked at porn and they’re very open about it,” Laura tells me. “And I thought, ‘Well, I guess this is kind of normal. Like, I’m not OK with it, but it’s normal.’”

I feel like I would have thought the same.

So, Laura says her husband promised he would talk to someone. And she would stand by him, supporting him in his

struggles, hoping it would just go away.

But it didn’t. One month later, Laura says she caught him at it again. This time, she says she started to ask more questions.

Questions like why and how often.

He said he only looked at pornography once every few months, and only when he was sad, Laura remembers. They had been seeing a therapist for a few months at this point, and she says she promised her husband they didn’t need to tell her anything about it. She didn’t want to embarrass him any further.

“And that was my huge mistake,” says Laura, her voice gets loud, her words pointed.

One day about a month after that, she got a frantic phone call from her husband, pleading with her to come home immediately. She says she thought maybe his grandma had died or something.

But when she got home, she heard the words every person in any relationship dreads.

I’ve cheated on you.

“I just kind of sat there, just in silence,” Laura says.

Laura’s best friend had seen her husband with another woman, and had given him an hour to tell Laura.

Source: www.covenanteyes.com/pornstats

Then he told her everything. How he went from occasionally looking at porn to watching it multiple times a day.

Then he told her everything. How he went from occasionally looking at porn to watching it multiple times a day. How he started to pay women live on the Internet, eventually transitioning to meeting women in person. He didn’t have vaginal intercourse with any of the women, but engaged in oral sex and mutual masturbation. And this was going on for years.

The line is silent. It takes Laura a few moments to collect her thoughts.

“So what did you do after he told you?”

I asked. I couldn’t imagine what I would have done.

She punched him in the face, she tells me. And then she threw her wedding rings at him.

“Because it was just all of a sudden a

screeching halt, this thing that I had believed. That all you have to do is not have sex before you get married and that will mean total purity and the most beautiful sexual relationship with your husband ever.”

Laura says her husband’s habits also racked up a debt-load of $30,000.

Dan Gowe is a counsellor who works with men trapped in the cycle of a pornography addiction.

“It ruins their soul. I mean literally, convergemagazine.com

| 29

corrupts their soul so badly,” he says of pornography. He tells me the only way to be freed from this addiction is to have a desire for God that’s stronger than the desire for pornography. And to start talking about it with other people.

Laura says her husband did exactly that.

For the next 10 months, they went through intensive counselling. He did everything right: he abstained from all pornography, masturbation, and sexual contact for 90 days; he went to men’s groups; he read all the books he was given by their therapist; he renewed his relationship with God. Laura says he was almost euphoric, because he wasn’t hiding anymore.

“But I’m just left in devastation,” Laura says.

She felt pressure from her Christian friends, as they couldn’t understand why she wasn’t healing faster. She remembers they would tell her she was holding onto bitterness, that it was the devil causing her not to move on.

“And I just thought, ‘Wow. I am pretty sure this isn’t the devil.

I’m pretty sure I’m just that sad.”

In her mind, she says, getting a divorce meant she didn’t believe in God’s healing. And because there was no penetration involved, Laura’s husband believed he didn’t commit adultery.

Therefore, if Laura pursued divorce, she thought she would be the one to break the marriage covenant, she tells me, her voice strained.

Laura eventually sought the advice of the pastor who had conducted their premarital counselling sessions. “He’s the guy who told us that we should get married and this was great and here’s what we do to have a solid marriage,” she says.

While praying with him, Laura says she remembers feeling this overwhelming peace. The fear disappeared, and love was left in its place.

She pauses, her voice breaking. I can tell she’s crying. After a few moments, she says she asked God whether or not she should get a divorce.

“There was no answer,” she says. “There was just this calm feeling that no matter which way I went, God would be there.”

That was two years ago. Laura is now divorced, and continuing to heal.

She says she hopes her story doesn’t discourage people from being open about their porn addictions. “Our divorce was also very largely connected to actual, physical, real, live cheating on me with other women. The porn addiction started it, but I wouldn’t want to discourage honesty because they’re afraid that their wives will leave them,” she says.

Gowe says it’s understandable when marriages break down because of porn, as it’s a form of adultery. But he also says he’s surprised at the number of couples who stick together. If “both

Find hope. Live life. livingwaterscanada.org

If you’re addicted to porn ...

The first step is to find a group of people who are going through the same thing. You can email Dan Gowe at men@livingwaterscanada.org to get more information about how to do this. Also, visit xxxchurch.com or settingthecaptivesfree.com for more resources.

of the [parties] were willing to receive help and to receive care they could survive it.”

The church shouldn’t be afraid to talk about porn, Gowe says.

Otherwise, “we end up lying, we end up covering over what’s really going on. And the gospel is big enough. It can take our brokenness and our sin as well.”

Laura tells me she’s been in a new relationship for about eight months now. They are very open with each other, and she says she regularly asks him when the last time he looked at porn was, and whether he told anyone. Though it’s been difficult, she says she wouldn’t trade the honesty for anything.

“So what needs to change in the church?” I ask.

Laura is quick to respond, her words crisp and emphatic.

“I think if there was more openness for people to walk through a path of healing in those sins without the expectation to get better in a week, I think more people would talk to each other about it.”

Leanne Janzen is a recent journalism grad, and is most likely found in any place that sells quality espresso. She loves nothing more than the promise of adventure, the comfort of a good book, and the honesty of a conversation between friends.

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Journey to the

32 | CONVERGE.

may - june 2013

At the beginning of March I joined a group of Christian journalists from all over Canada for a tour of the Holy Land. The Israel portion of the trip was sponsored by the Israel Ministry of Tourism. Unfortunately, I was not able to include writing on all the places I visited. The sites listed below are highlights and ones I felt readers of Converge would most enjoy hearing about. The views and opinions expressed in this article are my own.

words and photos by Shara Lee

The interrogation When I told an uncle I would be flying into Tel Aviv on El Al, the national airline of Israel, he told me: “Be prepared for a heavy interrogation.” I’m a little worried about how intimidating the questioning will be, but I put on a brave face. When I step up to the interviewer, I’m surprised by his friendliness. I hand over my passport and he proceeds to flip through it.

I’m nervous; the Turkish visa stands out, bright and colourful among my black and blue stamps.

I hope my visit to a predominantly Muslim country isn’t going to bar me from the Holy Land.

“Why were you in Turkey?”

“Who did you go with?”

“How do you know the friend that you were traveling with?”

“Why were you in Austria the week before?”

“What cities in Turkey did you visit?”

He also asks some other questions,

nothing too personal, but still pretty probing. In the end I’m glad for it.

Knowing they screen everyone who gets on the plane gives me peace of mind. Especially since we’re flying into a country that is home to so much conflict.

The flight is long and rather uneventful. I try to sleep for most of it, but when I wake up and look at my clock, I realize we still have a few hours to go. I weave in and out of wakefulness as I spend the rest of the flight watching Silver Linings Playbook, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, and parts of Hitchcock.

Landing is always a relief. I notice a Hasidic woman adjusting her wig and a young Jewish boy is straightening his crisp black coat. We shuffle out of the plane and into the airport, happy to be on the ground.

Then we meet Herzl, our tour guide, and Ismail, our bus driver.

Once our luggage is loaded, we drive out of Tel Aviv.

Caesarea used to be a thriving trading city. Now it’s a mere tourist attraction,

En route On the bus, Herzl tells us a little about himself, about how he was

born and raised in Israel and grew up in a Jewish home, how he discovered Jesus Christ and then converted to Christianity. As we make our way to our hotel in Caesarea, we drive by what Herzl describes as the Israeli equivalent of Silicon Valley. “They invented the flash drive here,” he proudly says. He also tells us of several startups that originated here and were sold for millions of dollars to American companies. On the road I see young business professionals in suits and sunglasses on their way to work. Tel Aviv feels like a bustling metropolitan city. Everything is new here. Herzl tells us to look to the left and we’ll see the most popular birds in all of Israel. I look and see construction cranes. The bus erupts with laughter.

Nimrod’s Fortress

The Pilgrimage Haifa

Sea of Galilee

Jordan River

1. Caesarea 2. Nazareth 3. Mt. of Beatitudes 4. Sea of Galilee 5. Capernaum 6. Jordan River 7. The Dead Sea 8. Bethlehem 9. Garden of Gethsemane 10. Church of the Holy Sepulchre 11. Western Wall

1 Caesarea

Tel Aviv Jerusalem

Dead Sea

34 | CONVERGE. may - june 2013

although there are some really great little restaurants that prepare delicious Israeli cuisine.

It was ruled by King Herod in the 1st century.

Herzl guides us down to a Roman-style amphitheatre, where we stand in the middle and gaze up. A group of African tourists are also there, and break into song. The acoustics are amazing, their voices perfectly harmonized.

I’m enjoying the experience of standing in an ancient theatre during a live performance when a tour guide yells, “Be quiet!” He’s trying to explain something to his group. They stop singing, and now all I hear is the wind and the faint sound of waves crashing up on the shore.

2 Basilica of the Annunciation

The Basilica of the Annunciation is

the supposed location of where the Angel came to Mary, telling her she would be the mother of Jesus. If there’s one thing I come to understand about the land of Israel, it’s that none of the landmarks on the Gospel trail are really confirmed. Still, that doesn’t stop you from getting a feel for what it may have been like during Biblical times. The walls inside feature depictions of the Madonna and Child from different countries around the world. I see pieces from France, Spain, and Mexico. The one made in Japan stands out to me as both Mary and Jesus are portrayed as Japanese. I finally see the one from Canada, but am somewhat disappointed; it looks just like a clay rectangle with a bit of texture.

Perhaps I’m not looking hard enough.

Visit

4 Sea of Galilee “Now in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went to them, walking on the sea. And when the disciples saw Him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, “It is a ghost!” And they cried out for fear.

— Matthew 14:25-26 I feel completely at peace floating on what the local

Saslove Winery Kibbutz Eyal, Kfar Saba

3 Mount of

Beatitudes

Everything is green. Having ar-

Barry Saslove, a Canadian immigrant to Israel, began making wine in 1991.

He now works with his daughter Roni to create unique Israeli wines. According to Roni, Israel has the perfect climate for grape growing. Their wines are complex, very fruity, and full of flavour. Perfect for wine novices and experts alike.

rived at the beginning of March, the land is full of shrubbery, tall grass, and wildflowers. Flora thrives in this region. We stop on the Mount of Beatitudes and the view is stunning.

The little mount, which is more like a big hill, overlooks the Sea of Galilee. I imagine during Jesus’ time, the sea would have been filled with fisherman and boats.

This is where He fed the 5,000 with five loaves and two fish.

This is where He preached His sermon on the mount.

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn, For they shall be comforted.

Blessed are the meek, For they shall inherit the earth.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, For they shall be filled.

Blessed are the merciful, For they shall obtain mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart, For they shall see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, For they shall be called sons of God. — Matthew 5:3-10 I try to reflect on His words as we stand there. They’re still so powerful, centuries after being spoken.

sailors call a “Jesus boat.” The Sea of Galilee is calm and the sun shines bright down on us. The wind blows strong today as we sail out. It’s an amazing feeling to be out on water. As the boat bobs up and down, I’m lulled into a bit of a trance. The sea itself is actually more of a lake, and it’s much smaller than what I imaged it to be. Maybe it’s because the sea has shrunk over time. Israel is not a land known for heavy rain.

5 Capernaum “Jesus said to them, ‘Bring some of the fish you have just caught.’ So Simon Peter climbed back into the boat and dragged the net ashore. It was full of large fish, 153, but even with so many the net was not torn.

Jesus said to them, ‘Come and have breakfast.’ None of the disciples dared ask him, ‘Who are you?’ They knew it was the Lord.” — John 21:10-12 Capernaum means “place of comfort.” It is beautifully preserved and well maintained. This was a city Jesus spent time in, ministering and teaching.

It’s a small, modest town, close to the shore. There are ruins of what appears to be housing for people who once lived in the area. There’s also a temple several centuries old that is built on top of the old temple, where Jesus preached when he lived here.

We stop by Peter’s mother-in-law’s residence, and Herzl starts to tell a story we all know. It’s the one where Jesus tells Simon Peter to cast his nets, and when Simon Peter does, he pulls it out, and counts 153 fish. Herzl says Jesus would have walked down to the shore from this very village. The significance of the number 153, he explains, is that numbers translate into letters in the Hebrew alphabet. “153 is ‘ani elohim’ in Hebrew which means ‘I am God,’” says Herzl. convergemagazine.com

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6 Jordan River The Jordan River is where Jesus was baptized.

The water is quite shallow and rather muddy looking.

Bob and Pam from our tour group have decided to get baptized here, and the rest of us gather around in support. A pastor from what seems like a Scandinavian or Eastern European country performs the baptism. He, together with a man that was baptized only minutes prior, submerges them one-by-one. They’re both standing again, hair soaking wet but with smiles plastered from ear to ear. I also notice tears from Pam’s eyes. Bob reaches around to give her a hug. We finish with the Doxology. The whole thing lasts about five minutes.

A CHAT: With Ismail

7 The Dead Sea When I was in the fifth grade and had to choose a country to do a

project on, I chose Israel. It was the land that had birthed Christianity, and thus was close to my 10-year-old heart. Upon researching the country, I found out that within Israel’s borders was the lowest point on earth — the Dead Sea. And in the Dead Sea, you could float sitting up. I knew I had to visit this strange place in my lifetime.

I back slowly into the water and gently sit down, tilting my head back slightly so my spine makes a gradual incline up to the surface.

The buoyancy combined with the high salt content of the water keeps me afloat. There’s no other word to describe it other than magical. I feel absolutely weightless and relaxed until I roll over onto my stomach and get a mouthful of water. The Dead Sea water tastes foul. Not just a horribly salty foul, but horribly salty mixed with a disgusting stale flavour. Still it’s an experience like no other. I look around at the others in my group and everyone looks as blissful as kids in a ball pit.

“I have no objection to any person’s religion, be it what it may, so long as that person does not kill or insult any other person.”

— As said by Ishmael in Moby-Dick by Herman Melville At the Jordan River I take some time to talk to Ismail, our Muslim Arab-Israeli bus driver. I ask him if he minds me asking a few questions. “Sure,” he says smiling, swinging an arm over my shoulders.

Ismail says that his family has lived in Israel for a long time (possibly for longer than Israel has been a sovereign state). “My parents was born here, we were here many many years,” he says. I ask him what it’s like to be an Arab living in Israel, and if he ever feels the conflict first-hand. “It’s politic,” he says in a thick accent (poh-leh-tiek). “I love the land, I have no problem with the Jewish. All my friend is Jewish. I’m happy here.”

I try to press him further: “What do you think about the conflict between Judaism and Islam?”

Ismail’s usually friendly demeanor turns slightly defensive. “This is politics. I cannot tell you.” I feel kind of ashamed for having asked. In this land, it’s a subject you either love to engage in, or want to have nothing to do with. Ismail clearly did not want to comment.

Ismail speaks Hebrew, Arabic, and English. “We learned all three in school.” He tells me his twin daughters will also grow up to speak all three.

In the bus on the way to the next destination, I hear Herzl and Ismail bantering in Hebrew. Words are rolling off their tongues in quick succession.

Their voices are low and guttural with lots of hard and throaty h’s — noises completely foreign to the North American ear. Suddenly they break into laughter, followed by more Hebrew chatter. It’s easy to forget they only just met this week.

36 | CONVERGE. may - june 2013

Ismail’s photo by Robert Richardson

Herzl, on the other hand, learned Arabic in school, but no longer speaks the language. “I’ve forgotten most of it,” he says. It’s a language that he doesn’t need.

Visit

The Agamon Hula Ornithology (Bird Watching) and Nature Park Hula Valley Bird lovers will love this scenic destination. During migration, millions of birds from all over the world pass through and nest in this valley, making it one of the most important bird migration routes in the world.

Rent a tandem bike, golf cart, or sign up for a guided tour and watch the different species of birds (and other wildlife) interact with nature.

8 Bethlehem Bethlehem is in Palestinian territory. We have to pass through a

checkpoint on the edge of Jerusalem before we can enter. Luckily, and maybe thanks to Ismail, our Arab bus driver, we’re waved on through.

Our Palestinian tour guide Husam leads us around. He tells us he and his family are Coptic Christians from Egypt. “In Arabic, Bethlehem is translated to ‘House of Meat.’ In Hebrew, it is translated to ‘House of Bread,’” he says. Interesting, seeing as Jesus is described as “the bread of life,” and the bread that we take at communion represents His flesh.

There’s a wall that surrounds the territory: it’s there to keep Israelis out, or to keep Palestinians in, depending which side you favour. There’s graffiti art on the Palestinian side of the wall. I see an image of a smiling woman wearing a keffiyeh while she holds what looks like an RPD. I also see a couple of Banksy-style pieces, along with some Arabic graffiti.

Learning about Palestine

Church of the Nativity

Nimrod’s Fortress Situated in the Golan Heights, Nimrod’s Fortress was built in the 13th century and features panoramic views. It is remarkably well preserved and a must-see for those interested in historical architecture.

We visit the place where they think Jesus was born. They’ve built the Church of the Nativity on top of the site. We line up for about a half-hour before we enter the grotto of the nativity. While we’re in line, we get a glimpse of a 14-point silver star, surrounded by silver lamps.

A group of Catholics are ahead of us.

They get down on all fours, and bow their heads into the fireplace-shaped alcove, whispering indecipherable prayers in a language I can’t make out. They’re crying, and it’s obvious they’re moved by this experience. I hear a church staff member shouting at them to hurry up. “Touch the star and go, we got a long line!” he shouts.

Reverend Mitri Raheb, a Lutheran minister in Bethlehem, greets our group and leads us into a room with a screen projector and some chairs. He asks us to take a seat. Immediately he begins with a presentation that highlights the significant loss of land of Palestine to Israel. He half jokingly tells us that “Jesus was a Palestinian,” because He was born in Bethlehem. He also says “98 per cent of the Christians in the Holy Land (that is in Israel, Gaza, and the West Bank) are Palestinian Christians.” It seems like he’s trying to win us over. Mitri talks about a one-state solution as the only real solution for the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

At lunch I try to press Reverend Mitri on what he means by a one-state solution.

“It’s like Canada, you have one state … and citizens living in one country with similar rights and responsibilities.” I ask him what this state would be called.

He laughs nervously. “Maybe something different,” he says.

After a day in Bethlehem, we meet a smiling Ismail and head back into Jerusalem. convergemagazine.com

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A twisted sense of humour I’m standing with my group outside the old city walls. Suddenly, a child appears alone, temporarily separated from his parents. “Ehhm, this boy belongs to whom?” Herzl immediately asks.

With a smile and a wink, he tells us if no one claims the boy, he might blow up. As in the little boy might have a bomb strapped to him. Only in Israel can you joke around about child suicide bombers. But this is the attitude that the Israelis have to adopt; they have to maintain a sense of humour about their current situation, because to do otherwise would be to live in a very fearful and paralyzing reality.

A CHAT: With Herzl

9 Garden of

Gethsemane Herzl picks a black olive from a tree just

before we get to the garden, and tells us that this is how an olive should look when it’s fully ripe.

“Garden of Gethsemane is translated to ‘Garden of the Olive Press’ in Hebrew,” he says. I try in vain to link the significance of these two ideas.

He then pulls out a napkin, places the olive inside, and presses with his thumb and index finger. When he opens the napkin, it’s stained blood red.

The garden itself is small and full of old hardy olive trees. It is fenced in and a church is built adjacent to it. Being in the garden brings John 18 to life for me. Not because the garden looked like the one I had imagined (because it didn’t), but because I can’t help but reflect on the story I’ve read: I’m standing in the very place (or close to the very place) that is described.

10 Church of the

Holy Sepulchre

It is true that we aspire to our ancient land. But what we want in that ancient land is a new blossoming of the Jewish spirit.

- Theodor Herzl, father of modern Zionism I think back to my university days when anti-Israel protests and movements were the norm. I think back to a conversation I had with one of my Jewish friends who flat out said to me, “Israel should not exist.” I unload some of this on Herzl. He replies saying that Israel is painted as the aggressor in most of the western media. I can sympathize, I can’t imagine what it must be like to live in a place where a neighbour shoots rockets over my fence, then blames me for starting the conflict. He tells me that most homes in Israel have built-in bunkers and that the very hotel we’re staying in has its own bunker.

“This is the reality we live in,” he says.

I ask him about the occupied territories.

He replies by saying they’re not occupied territories and that Israel has the right to remain there. He gives me an analogy of two people getting into a fight. At the end of it, both have lost something, “but maybe the one person lost more than the other,” he explains. Herzl is a true Zionist, and lives up to the name he was given.

EATING IN israel The food in Israel is fresh and flavourful.

Some things you must try while there are falafel wraps and humous. Be prepared to see fish served at every meal. Pickled herring and other kinds of salted fish are Israeli favourites for breakfast.

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Visit

This is the site where it is believed that Jesus was crucified. The church is constructed of old

Masada An ancient city built on top of a rock plateau, Masada is a must-see for any archaeological buff. Join a listening tour of the Masada mini-museum to find out the history of the siege of Masada, where 960 Jewish rebels chose to commit suicide rather than succumb to Roman rule. Climb or take the gondola up to Masada where you can tour the ancient palace.

stone. Below the top right window of the building is a wooden ladder, also known as the “immovable ladder.”

Apparently, it’s been there since the 18th century.

I could spend a day just wandering the inside of the building and looking at all the artwork. Unfortunately, we only have 15 minutes. Inside, incense fills the air and several people line up to light candles at the aedicula. Some men are dressed in friar robes with hoods covering their faces. Others are adorned in ornate Russian Orthodox vestments with tall rounded caps. Women with their heads covered in colourful silk scarves are crying as they light their candles. It’s beautiful, but I have a slight feeling of unrest: I was raised in a conservative Presbyterian church where all of this would have been considered a bit idolatrous. I try to reflect on what this location means (Jesus dying on the cross for me), but I’m distracted by the incense, ornate clothing, and fanciful hats.

11 Western Wall Herzl tells us there was an incident

Western Wall photos by Anthony Nacinovic and Brijan Philip Koldijk (inset)

near the Western Wall earlier in the day, which is why there is an increased police presence in the area. I also notice several Israeli soldiers in the area. The young men and women are no older than 19 or 20, dressed in olive green uniforms and black combat boots.

Assault rifles are slinked across their backs. Back at home, if I saw a 19-yearold with an M16 hanging off his body, I would probably have moved in the other direction. But here, it’s almost reassuring to see such a heavy military presence. These soldiers don’t look intimidating at all; in fact, most will smile and pose for a picture if you point a camera towards them.

The wall is divided into two sections: one side for men, the other side for women. The men’s side is bigger and fenced in by wooden barriers. I walk over to the women’s side and shuffle

12 Shabbat Dinner “Israel is the only place in the world that people come to see what is not there.”

— Tour guide at the Garden Tomb After a long week of touring, it feels right, almost necessary, to sit down for a quiet Shabbat dinner. Jerry, from

by several wailing women scribbling prayers onto little scraps of paper and reading scripture silently from their Torahs. Finally I get close to the wall and touch it. I see folded up notes in different shades of beige and pastel crammed into the cracks. It might represent one of those “thin places” — where the boundary between heaven and earth is especially thin. Or at least it’s a place where you can feel some sort of spiritual presence. I start to get a bit emotional and say a prayer for Israel and its people. Then I slowly walk away.

I notice the other women walk backwards, keeping their faces to the wall until they get about eight metres away.

Shabbat is about to start as we leave the wall, and everybody is rushing to get home in time for dinner. The old city has shut down. All the stores are closed, and those still left lingering in the streets are tourists.

the Israel Ministry of Tourism, reads some Hebrew scripture. It’s a beautiful language; everybody sits wide-eyed and reverent. Jerry proceeds to break pieces of bread for each of us at the table. He then pours us some grape juice. We partake in both as he says a prayer. I can’t help but draw the parallels between Judaism and Christianity. This feels a lot like communion — the only person missing is Jesus.

For more info, visit

goisrael.com

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Naked and

Unashamed

By Chelsea Batten | Photos by Joel Krahn

Southern California is a land of temples. I reckon it’s the proximity to Hollywood that makes it better than most at constructing an environment that convinces people of certain truths. And the marketers pitching those truths seem to have agreed that religious tropes are the most effective in convincing people that what they’re doing is not only fun or necessary, but somehow deeply important.

On that account, you can buy a TV in a warehouse whose inside is festooned with plaster molding and trompe l’oeil murals that call to mind the Parthenon.

You can buy popcorn in a movie theater lobby that looks like a Renaissance basilica. Or shop for clothes at the Citadel, an outdoor complex ringed by animallike sculptures that look like a cross between the book of Revelation and something out of Indiana Jones.

But nowhere is the religious motif more convincing than within southern California’s signature institution — the gym.

Temples to Self As a teenager with worse-than-average body issues, I scrupulously avoided the gym. I was devastated just by a stray glance in the mirror; I couldn’t bear the idea of seeing myself reflected among a thousand other bodies, preening sweatily and (I thought) self-righteously as they loped along on their treadmills.

Admittedly, my body shame made me really oversensitive. But even today, if I get talked into visiting the gym by a friend, I don’t see fun or health or camaraderie.

I see a religion.

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Never mind the stucco colonnades and faux marble finishes; it’s the activity inside the gym that really evokes a semblance of religion. The music is turned up to such deafening volume that it conveys only a mesmeric rhythm, to which the devotees march synchronously, their faces contorted with fervent effort.

In glass-lined antechambers, the gym’s elders lead novices in group rituals, exhorting them with shouts and skillful demonstration.

At discreet intervals around the room, people line up at stations where they can take the measure of their faithfulness in pounds and inches.

And in quiet recesses, people sit, wrapped in towels, to regulate their breathing and to reflect on the merit of their performance.

But more unnerving than any of this is how the number of attendees, at any given time, is visually multiplied by the wall mirrors encompassing the room. Enter, and you feel like you’ve done more than come to perform your devotions — you’ve joined a cause with legions in its thrall.

You’re surrounded by people who reflect the values that you want to embody, whose success motivates you to strive harder and achieve new heights of enlightenment.

If you live anywhere but southern California, this description will sound overblown. But for those who grew up within reach of the San Andreas fault line, “exercise” will probably never mean a 20 minute jog or a soccer game in the park. It means a choking heart rate and hair plastered to your brow. It means spandex and muscle shirts and new shoes every four to six months. It means soreness, fatigue, and a stony sense of accomplishment. It means results.

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But What Do Results Mean?

Many people in California want help making their bodies fit to be seen. Several of my friends from back home are or have been personal trainers. The cornerstone of their job, they tell me, is helping their clients define what “results” mean.

Apparently, it’s rare for a client to simply come in and say, “I want to improve my health.”

Instead, it’s some combination of size in relation to body part. Smaller waists, bigger shoulders, targeted gain and loss from the pectorals to the external obliques.

For most people, visual results require much more time and effort than it does to simply feel better and have more energy. This discourages some from making any effort at all.

My friend Melissa, who gave up personal training to focus more on her kids and her friends, constantly encounters people who start by asking her advice about starting an exercise program, and end by writing her off when she gives them a realistic timeline for what they can expect to achieve. They say, “God gave you a fast metabolism, so it’s easy for you.”

Fitness isn’t the only place Melissa has met this response. She says she frequently finds that her unchurched friends ask her questions about God, only to dismiss her answers, saying it’s easy for her to be a Christian because she’s naturally a good person.

Her husband Eric has also experienced these patterns. His co-workers know him not only as a Christian, but also as the guy who brings green quinoa to work for breakfast, takes power-walks on his lunch break, and avoids the aisle of free snacks known in the office as “fat freeway.”

“Exercising [and] eating right make me feel impervious to any kind of harm that might come my way ... it makes it so I don’t have to rely so much on the providence of God....”

One time, as Eric was accepting a piece of birthday cake in the company break room, his co-worker popped like a jack-inthe-box out of another cubicle and loudly proclaimed, “That makes me feel so much better!”

“He was just dying for me to have a weakness that would justify the extremes of our environment,” says Eric. “Unbelievers tend to get more provoked by your actions, even if you’re not talking about it.”

As Melissa and Eric have found, people are usually pretty happy to keep both spiritual and physical health an all-ornothing proposition. When you believe you have to be perfect in order for your efforts to matter, it’s a lot easier to forgive yourself for not trying.

These days, Melissa only trains family members and friends, and she hardly goes to the gym anymore. The competitive edge it inspires in her is, she says, not good for her family. (Nor was the outbreak of head lice that her kids got from hanging out in the gym childcare facility.) Instead, she goes running in her neighborhood and lifts weights in her garage. But recently, after a rare gym workout, she turned around and was confronted by the sight of a woman about her age and size, who had the abs and shoulders Melissa has constantly worked to achieve.

Close behind her initial reaction of competitive envy, Melissa says, came a conviction that she ought to reach out to the woman. So she said something complimentary; they began chatting.

After a while, the woman confessed, “I’ve always wanted to have kids like yours.”

“That was funny,” says Melissa, “because I wanted to say ‘I’ve always wanted to have shoulders like yours!’”

The interaction made her reflect how instinctively we judge others and ourselves based on how we look. How our judgments, and the ways we respond to them, siphon our attention away from the actual person behind the appearance.

Eric agrees: “Nothing’s valuable if it doesn’t have love.”

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Appearances Elyse Fitzpatrick is one of the few women writers I’ve encountered whose intellectual rigour keeps up with the boys.

Given her predominantly Reformed Presbyterian circle, this is no small feat.

Like many church cultures with an emphasis on tradition and history, the Reformed church gives great respect to a sedentary lifestyle devoted to meditation and study. But as long as I’ve known her, Elyse hasn’t let that cultural climate limit her penchant for outdoor sports, any more than she lets their theological machismo beat her into submission. (Double entendre intended.)

But it does keep her in company with people whose appreciation of a broken and contrite spirit can be an excuse to eat more cake and drink more beer, and who equate physical exercise with worldliness and vanity.

Like the pro she is, Elyse answers this false equation by quoting the Westminster Larger Catechism, which interprets the sixth commandment like this: “The duties required in the sixth commandment are, all careful studies, and lawful endeavors, to preserve the life of ourselves and others by ... a sober use of meat, drink, physic, sleep, labor, and recreations....”

“So what I need to do,” she continues, “is try my best to obey by being healthy — not healthy as my culture defines it, but as healthy as I can be, for as long as I can be that.”

Our bodies, she says, are instruments for serving God. They need to be kept in good condition for service, but overemphasis on their pristine condition can veer toward idolatry and selfatonement. While caring for the body doesn’t make a person less broken or in need, it definitely makes them feel less so, especially when their efforts meet with the approval of popular culture.

"Strength for the Body, Strength for the Soul"

“Exercising [and] eating right make me feel impervious to any kind of harm that might come my way. So maybe, in some ways, it makes it so I don’t have to rely so much on the providence of God sustaining me,” Elyse says. “We can take any good thing ... and God has filled the world with good things ... and make it an idol. We can worship it, depend on it, rely upon it, make it our identity, make it our righteousness.”

When you can't win I never stop being surprised at the trivial things that can divide Christians from each other, and end up driving people out of the church. Physical fitness turns out to be no exception — among the websites devoted to bitter ex-churchgoers, there are entire chat room threads of people sounding off about how the church made them feel guilty for not pursuing fitness enough, and then made them feel guilty for enjoying it too much.

It’s true — we’re very quick to cry “foul” over the issue of enjoyment. For one thing, we’re quick to criticize anyone who embraces a freedom that reminds us of a former addiction; someone who used to struggle with anorexia is likely to bristle at the sight of someone whose body reflects a genuine love of long-distance running. For another, our commendably soft consciences make us a little suspicious of any joy that isn’t explicitly church-related.

The easy answer is to make it church-related. This represents a bonanza for the publishing industry. Wherever two or more are gathered, there is money to be made, and it just so happens that health/fitness books are neck-and-neck with “inspirational” books for greatest market share. Put the two together, and you’re sitting on a gold mine.

Like all exercise regimens, Christianized ones make only the vaguest guarantees. What’s more striking about them is how their marketing dances between the dual values of their clientele: keeping their motives pure while achieving “results” — that loaded word that everyone knows the meaning of.

Some programs hit the Christian angle harder. Body Gospel, a series of videos produced by the makers of P90X, offers to “Inspire Your Soul” and “Transform Your Body” with workouts set to choruses you’ve probably sung in church.

Other programs place more emphasis on “results.” Cross Fitness is a 90-day regimen that offers a complete diet and exercise revamp, reinforced by intentional encouragement during group training, and a workout journal with daily devotions. The efficacy of biblical fellowship is proved by the program’s promotional images of glistening torsos and veiny limbs.

Meanwhile, some programs try to strike a balance between the two values. Christoga features a perky B-list actress offering modest peeks of her flat belly as she performs yoga asanas renamed with Bible references, such as “Moses’ staff” and “fisherman’s boat.”

Best Intentions I’m sure that many, if not most, of the people behind spiritually themed fitness campaigns got into the racket because they genuinely wanted to help people. But after all, you can only help as many people who buy your book, DVD, or 30-day system.

And as any marketing professional will tell you, the first step toward making a sale is creating a need. If someone doesn’t see health as something they need, telling them God wants them to be fit ought to convince them.

My friend Daniel is currently training for a half Ironman triathlon. (This is no small feat — both the run and the bike portion of this event are double the distance of what triathletes do in the Olympics.) Daniel says he enjoys endurance sports as a way of building both his mental and spiritual stamina.

“I’ve never been the kind of person to be, like, in the Bible, at 6 a.m., seven days a week. But I find that it’s easier to get up and spend some time with the Lord more regularly, if I’m already disciplining myself with physical stuff. Because at least for me, my tendency is to be lazy. When I’m disciplining my mind and my body on one side, it becomes easier to make those choices on the other side.”

He laughs, remembering how many times he has consciconvergemagazine.com

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entiously corrected people about what a half Ironman really means. “I want somebody to recognize the work I’ve done. I want them to know about all the effort I’ve put in. I want them to be impressed with me, that I’m progressing.”

The same thing applies to spiritual effort, he says. As Christians, we want people to identify us with the effort we’ve put into being godly. That usually comes from insecurity; when we feel we’re not godly enough, we at least want people to see how hard we’re trying.

Why is that, I wonder? Is it because we don’t feel that God is sufficiently impressed with us? Does He not see how hard we’re trying?

Stuck in Self-Examination When I was younger, I hated looking at mirrors when other people were around. I’d keep my head down when passing plateglass windows or washing my hands in public restrooms. I felt ashamed of what my body said about me; I wanted better-looking, more pulled-together people to assume that I looked so ugly because I never paid attention to myself.

But in private, I’d study my body carefully in the mirror. I’d pucker my lips to hollow out my cheeks. I’d suck in my stomach until my hipbones were like the pelvis of a starving cow. I wanted to reassure myself that, under the obtuse fat and the dull skin, the bones were still there. I wanted reason to hope that, with the right lighting and the right clothes and the right angle of vision, someone might see that underneath, I was actually beautiful.

We all hold up mirrors to each other, and we form all kinds of relationships on the basis of similar reflections. But when we place value on those reflections, rather than on the relationships they enable, we begin to feel things like pride, shame, worship, and disdain, that end up destroying relationships, and leave us fixated on ourselves.

How to Be a Reflection Ciara Le Gale is a fitness model and bodybuilder, whose website documents her physical progress with the usual NSFW photos of toned musculature, and with exuberant praise to God. Despite having incurred the wrath of many outraged viewers, including two women’s church groups, Ciara says the most shameful she ever felt was during the days when she went from private Christian school to youth group Bible study wearing her school uniform polo shirts and khaki pants. Though she always dressed like a good southern Baptist girl ought to, Ciara was bombarded with accusations of drawing attention to her body, of being too flirtatious, even of causing her youth pastor to stumble.

(That last charge came from the youth pastor himself.)

“I became so internally abusive,” she says, “because I carried a lot of shame with me. Once I graduated, I fell off the deep end.

‘If everyone’s going to call me a slut, I might as well be one.’”

Ciara’s interest in bodybuilding began at the same time that she started learning to reject other people’s shame. It is, she says, their shame that makes them react so angrily to what she posts on her site.

“A lot of the time, we who grow up in the church try to find ways that don’t involve us healing our own hearts.” Instead, she says, we look for ways to cover our shame by blaming someone else for what they did to provoke it.

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The attractiveness of a genuinely healthy body is, Ciara argues, a good thing. She compares the outrage over her site to the scruples of those who won’t visit art museums because they might see a work of art featuring a woman’s breasts or a man’s genitalia.

“It [makes] me want to ram my head into a wall! Why are we making pornographic images out of [a] beautiful masterpiece?” The same goes for the beauty of the human body, she says: “We’ve gotten so hypersensitive that we can’t appreciate it for what it is.”

I found it most telling to learn that the bulk of Ciara’s critics are not men, but women, who see sexual implications in every photo she posts, from the clothes she wears to the way she touches her hair. I’ll be honest — some of her content, maybe even most of it, requires no great stretch to interpret as sexual.

But if you look up from the clothes she’s not wearing, you’ll notice the ecstatic smile she is wearing. She looks as proud as a little kid pinning a hand-drawn picture on the refrigerator. It’s hard to fault her for something she seems to genuinely enjoy.

But just as her physical fitness makes me feel ashamed for not looking that good, her enjoyment makes me feel guilty for not enjoying exercise enough to look better. I wonder whether the real threat of physical attractiveness isn’t that it provokes sexual sin, but that it provokes personal insecurity.

Does Beauty Need a Purpose?

So why should it alarm us that God endowed His creatures with a reflection of His beauty in their physical bodies?

In fact, we as humans embody (again, double entendre intended) the beauty inherent in any act of craftsmanship. Like all of the material world, we were made unnecessarily; our existence is first of all a work of fine art. If you’ve seen an artist at work, you know that there is beauty in their movements well before they produce anything to look at.

Likewise, our bodies are meant to exhibit beauty not only statically, but kinetically. Our obedience consists not only in service to God, but in serving Him freely and beautifully.

Choosing to exclude or ignore beauty is like sawing a leg from a tripod. Freedom and service are crippled when you remove attractiveness from them. Abasing the body and its capabilities is just as disobedient as worshiping it.

Of course, as we’re constantly reminded, this is a broken world. Because of sin, we are limited. Our beauty is not always free, our freedom is not always serviceable, and our service is not always beautiful.

Maybe this is the reason we don’t all naturally look like fitness models. Apart from sin, would we struggle with laziness, overindulgence, sickness, or deformity? Would we have bad digestion, fallen arches, weak joints, or chronic fatigue?

I don’t mean to suggest that less muscle tone makes you less godly, any more than limited creative talent or intelligence or even spiritual perceptiveness does. Everyone expresses certain aspects of God’s nature more easily than others, which is why some people can maintain perfect abs on a diet of pizza and beer, while others can work out six days a week and still get asked if they are pregnant.

Apart from sin, would we decide that exercise isn’t worth the effort if we can’t look awesome?

Apart from sin, would we want anything from our bodies other than to use whatever gifts He’s given us, even if it’s just two legs that work pretty well, to enjoy as much as we possibly can?

Ugliness is much safer than beauty. Nobody is provoked to lie, hurt, or sin because they’re attracted to something ugly. Beauty triggers a primal instinct for worship. It’s on that account that pagan cultures worshiped nature.

My friend Rondi, a Pilates instructor, modern dancer, as well as a pastor’s wife, encounters a lesser form of this suspicion over the body’s aesthetic power. She notes that Christians tend to be uncomfortable with the idea of beauty, whether it’s simply how something looks, or how beautifully it moves, unless they can identify a clear purpose that drives the beauty. A basketball player gliding upward from the three-point line is safe to admire; a sinewy principal in the Alvin Ailey company feels somehow more dangerous.

And it is dangerous. Ugliness is much safer than beauty. Nobody is provoked to lie, hurt, or sin because they’re attracted to something ugly.

Beauty triggers a primal instinct for worship. It’s on that account that pagan cultures worshiped nature. It’s on that account that the Greeks equated “the beautiful” with “the good” and “the true” as the highest virtues. And it’s on that account that the Bible repeatedly enumerates beauty as one of God’s attributes.

Apart from sin, would we have such a hard time knowing whether or not we are simply enjoying our bodies, without worshiping or abasing them?

Nearly everyone came to the same conclusion about how to draw this line, but Elyse Fitzpatrick said it like this: “I guess the place where you figure out whether or not you’re worshiping it, is how you respond when you’re either unable to do it, or forced to do it.”

It was only an answer, but I thought she expressed it beautifully. Maybe that’s how you go from being naked to being unashamed.

Chelsea Batten is an itinerant journalist currently making camp in southern California. She loves old cars and John Steinbeck, and can’t fall asleep without the This American Life podcast. Follow @thechelseagrin on Twitter or drop her a line at chelseabatten.com. convergemagazine.com

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Flickr photo by Indi Samarajiva

HAVE YOU READ?

Religious Pluralism Is an interfaith dialogue possible for evangelicals?

By Flyn Ritchie

Why Did Jesus, Moses, the Buddha, and Mohammed Cross the Road?: Christian Identity in a Multi-faith World

envision and reformulate them in a postimperial, postcolonial, post-Christendom way.” Red flags will appear for many readers at this point, and even more so as he suggests reformulation on such core issues as original sin, election, the Trinity, Christology, and the Holy Spirit, before moving on to the liturgical and missional implications of his proposals. McLaren asks some legitimate questions and demonstrates serious flaws in the way Christians interact with outsiders. Here are a few issues to keep in mind as you consider his challenges.

Brian D. McLaren, Jericho Books, 2012

W

hen you consider a book by Brian McLaren, you must grapple with the phenomenon he has become. His books are lightning rods for debate within the borderlands of evangelical, emergent, and liberal Christianity.

This time, McLaren says he just wants to start a conversation, to suggest a ‘third way’ between extremes.

“I have increasingly found myself trapped between a strong Christian identity that is hostile toward outsiders and a weak Christian identity that is benign (or harmless) toward outsiders....”

“Shouldn’t it be possible,” he asks, “to have a strong Christian identity that is strongly benevolent toward people of other faiths, accepting them not in spite of the religion they love, but with the religion they love?

McLaren argues that “Christians — Western Christians in particular — must acknowledge the degree to which our faith has become a syncretized faith, a compromised faith, we might even say a corrupted faith. From Constantine to Columbus to the other conquistadors to the colonizers to the present, we have mixed authentically Christian elements of love, joy, peace and reconciliation with strictly imperial elements of superiority, conquest, domination and hostility.” He then asks, “What might happen if we were to run our contemporary versions of Christian faith though a debugging program where we scanned for and removed all imperial viruses?”

And that would just be the start. “We must admit,” he says, “that some of our hostility flows from the Bible itself, or at least from our interpretations and application of the Bible ... we must be willing to critically revisit even those central doctrines we believe to be firmly rooted in the Bible ... to rediscover, re-

46 | CONVERGE. may - june 2013

A new kind of evangelism McLaren tells the story of Mike, who “went to a Muslim-majority country specifically to convert Muslims to Christianity.”

He began to feel he was “serving the colonizing agenda of the religious clan that sent him.” So he started mobilizing Christians and Muslims to work side by side in helping the poor.

McLaren approves, describing Mike as moving from witness to with-ness. This creates an unnecessary dichotomy between the two approaches. Sure, history is littered with examples of evangelists and missionaries who have just dumped their message on people they have not taken the trouble to get to know. But tens of thousands of missionaries have also lived and shared and suffered with the people they have witnessed to.

Too generous an orthodoxy?

McLaren recognizes many will be “baffled” by his “integrated vision” because “it proposes not minor changes within the existing paradigm of Christian identity, and not even major changes, but rather a different paradigm altogether....”

“If you dare depart from traditional identity categories,” McLaren says, “you will be seen with suspicion by your former colleagues in that zone ... religious gatekeepers on websites and in magazines will single us out as liberal, relativist and weak.”

There is not room here to consider the friends, former friends and others who believe he has deserted orthodox Christianity. Some are harsh, some wary, some friendly though critical.

Many of their comments are worth reading.

Neglecting other approaches McLaren likes to paint a picture of dysfunction in the church, then wade in with answers. His questions are better than his answers, and his answers are not as unique as he seems to think.

Pastor picks God is Not One Stephen Prothero, HarperOne, 2010 Prothero, like Brian McLaren, hopes “for a world in which human beings can get along with their religious rivals.”

Lumping religions together won’t help though: “We must start with a cleareyed understanding of the fundamental differences in both belief and practice between Islam and Christianity, Confucianism and Hinduism.” God is Not One is an ideal place to begin that journey.

Christianity Encountering World Religions Terry Muck & Frances S. Adeney, Baker Academic, 2009

Three books new or aspiring pastors should read

The Way of the Heart, by Henri Nouwen

Brett Landry is the Lead Pastor of Christ City Church, a church plant launching September 2013 in Vancouver.

“What is the Christian responsibility to people who already believe in and belong to another religion?” This is the basic underlying question of the book.

The authors’ response begins with this statement: “We believe that Christian responsibility begins with giving witness to what God has done through Jesus Christ to offer us the gift of salvation.” They engage the full spectrum of current answers, which range from “do nothing” (at most help with social needs) to “wipe them out” (eradicate non-Christian religions).

Under the Unpredictable Plant, by Eugene Peterson.

Can Only One Religion Be True?

Robert B. Stewart, editor, Fortress, 2013 This book features a dialogue between prominent interfaith author Paul Knitter and evangelical philosophy professor Harold Netland.

Knitter offers “What I truly believe is a convergence of reasons why I, as a professed Christian and struggling disciple of Jesus, can and must insist that Christianity is not the only true religion.”

Netland says, “I would very much like for all religions to be true and for all morally good and sincere religious believers, of whatever faith, to be correct in their beliefs and practices,” but “given the very different, at times mutually incompatible, claims advanced by the major religions, I simply do not see how we can affirm them all as somehow being true.” Thus begins a gentlemanly and erudite dialogue (rather than a debate) on religious pluralism.

Many are tackling similar issues, without much notice in this book (especially among those he paints as most hostile, like Evangelicals and Pentecostals). A good bibliography of the numerous relevant books would have been helpful.

McLaren has asked us not to be heresy-hunting, boundaryenforcing readers who are only interested in confirming that authors conform to our views. Fair enough. Give him a hearing.

But he’s a smooth talker and he can be hard to pin down. So read with a critical eye, pay attention to his critics, and read other books on similar issues.

Busyness is the new spirituality. Our lives are full. Constantly and increasingly full. Sometimes they are full like cotton candy, which has no substance and will make you sick, but nevertheless, full. Nouwen writes on silence, solitude, and finding peace in Christ.

For a generation who have never been unplugged, he has a word we need to hear. Declaring that “silence guards the fire within” Nouwen teaches us that, “Our first and foremost task is to faithfully care for the inward fire so that when it is really needed it can offer warmth and light to lost travelers.” Anyone venturing into pastoral ministry must learn to live with a sense of solitude, an understanding of silence, and the unceasing prayer of the heart. The alternative is to burn out before helping to light a fire in anyone they serve.

Isaiah Nordhagen is finishing up his Masters of Divinity at Regent College and his Artizo internship with St. John’s Vancouver Anglican Church this spring.

While anything by Eugene Peterson is a can’t miss read for a pastor, Under the Unpredictable Plant is essential. Peterson knows that nobody can deceive themselves like a pastor can, and uses the story of Jonah to expose our assumptions about the pastoral vocation.

We want to control our ministry, but we are not messiahs, we are not in charge, God is. Our job is to be attentive, meeting Him in the everyday, God-infused moments of everyday life.

Eugene Peterson’s book Working the Angles is a call for a return to the three basic pastoral acts ­— prayer, reading scripture, and the art of spiritual direction. Peterson argues that it is only by a return to these things that the pastoral ministry can fulfill its primary function in the church — that of keeping people attentive to God Himself. These pastoral acts shape the church. In a world of hip churches and slick ministry strategies designed within a pragmatic, results oriented paradigm, Peterson sounds a prophetic call — a call I wish I would have heard 13 years ago when I began as a pastor — a call to understand pastoral ministry as a ministry of listening and responding to God. It would be a very wise move on the part of the new pastor to read and heed Peterson’s words.

Ryan Cook has served in pastoral ministry for 13 years and is presently pursuing ordination with the Church of England.

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thing that is in our hearts. While there is a Biblical exhortation (ie: Ephesians 4:29 or Psalm 19:14) to let our words be pleasing to God, it is not an encouragement toward inauthenticity when we don’t have pleasing words to offer. Scripture is full of people who boldly and confidently express their honest experiences in life to God, trusting that He will hear the full range of what they say. Rehearsing back to God only the things you think He wants you to say leaves the spiritual life limp. Spiritual growth, on the other hand, is rooted in an intimate and authentic relationship with our God who welcomes anything you would like to say to him in prayer, not in meeting cultural expectations for approval. God wants to interact with the ugly things we say just as much as the words we think He will accept.

Because our social worlds often breed the loneliness that accompanies partial acceptance, we must be intentional about practicing authenticity with God, ourselves and others. It is important for us to develop relationships with others who have room to share the good, the bad, and the ugly. Even if it is just one or two people, look for someone you can trust to hear your dark places and who can respond to you with grace. Praying honest prayers with another person dispels the fear that your truest self is isolated from others or from God. Over time, God’s tender and gracious response to our authentic selves, whether pretty or ugly, shapes us into people who are unafraid to offer the same grace to others. We are enabled to live more courageously, which only invites others around us to do the same. So today, know that you are fully known and loved. And know that God desires to commune with you in every light and dark room in your heart.

- Michelle Sudduth

Illustration by Samantha Matheson for Converge

ave you ever seen the ’90s movie Liar, Liar?

Jim Carrey plays the role of Fletcher, a lawyer and a habitual liar who loses the ability to say anything untrue for 24 hours. A number of awkward situations arise as he blurts out the most inappropriate but honest responses to those he encounters. It is an uncomfortably funny movie that highlights the importance of honesty tempered with discretion.

Most of us are not habitual liars. But, a lot of us are habitual editors, choosing our words to suit the person or community with whom we are interacting.

Carefully selecting the words we use to communicate is appropriate, respectful, and can be a reflection of healthy boundaries in relationship. But different regions, families, and church environments have expectations, explicitly or implicitly, for us to edit our words so that we only say nice things. And never talk about anything negative.

For many of us, this rule is our first lesson in dismissing our inner voice. Some of us swallow these expectations so completely, we don’t know what our feelings and opinions really are. Constantly editing raw feelings leaves little to no room for our most authentic self to be expressed, and we are left stuck below the surface of social maneuvering, feeling unheard and unknown. In this state, it is only normal to begin questioning: “If people knew all that I was really thinking, would they still love me?” or “If I offered my full opinion, would I be accepted?” or “If I posted on Facebook the boring or unattractive elements of my day, would people want to know me?

We may also begin to wonder if we have to edit ourselves with God, forgetting that He already knows everything that is in our heads and every-

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