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SPRING 2016
COMPA “Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse? Think of the last time you felt humiliated or treated unfairly. Did you feel like cooperating or doing better?” ― Jane Nelsen
Copyright 2016 Distribution and/or reproduction of all materials without prior consent of each individual contributor is a violation of copyright. For reprint permission of articles, please contact individual contributors directly.
This publication is not for sale or resale. The materials contained herein are intended as educational and informational materials only. Materials are not a substitute for counseling or mental health services and not provided as such. If you are concerned about your child’s health and development please contact your health provider.
A Little Bit of Back Talk Every article is helpful and packed with real, practical advice. Can’t wait for the next one. Really fantastic! Jenny K. I only learned about Positive Discipline a few months ago when my pediatrician told me it could help me and my children. I read every Compass now cover to cover. All of it is so helpful. Thank you. –Adrianna P. Image via © jul14ka Cover design Ariadne Brill
Send us your feedback and questions. We would love to hear from you. info@parentcoa.ch
In This Issue Connecting with Kids in the Kitchen ………………….…………………………………………………………………......4
Moving with Kids: 9 practical ways to help your kids thrive on your next move …………….……………...8 Helping Children Grow by Letting them Fall …………...…………………………...…………………………..……...12 Making Agreements with Teens that Stick …………………………………..….…………………………..…………….14 5 Ways to Mindfully Approach And Manage Power Struggles ……………………………………….…………...17 The Important Role Listening Attentively Plays in Raising Respectful Children …………………………..22 Staying Cool, Calm, and Curious in The Face of Really Irritating Behavior
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When Teens Push Your Buttons …………………………………………………………..………………………………….27 10 Ways to Prepare Your Child for a New Sibling ……………………………..………………..…………………....30 Building Connection and Influence When Your Child is Pulling Away …………….……………...………….33 Positive Discipline Guidelines ……………………………..…………………………………..…….…………...…….…..35
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Connecting with Kids in The Kitchen By Amy Knobler
When you and your kids return home at the end of another long day, do you feel disconnected from one another? The kids might be grumpy or whiny, and you are very likely exhausted. Everyone is probably starving! And then it hits you: you have to make dinner. AGAIN. Many parents find cooking for their families to be an overwhelming daily chore. Even parents who took pleasure in cooking before they had kids now find the process daunting. They struggle to handle the cooking and clean-up while juggling the parenting that happens around meals: keeping little ones occupied, helping with homework, or just being able to concentrate enough not to grab the sugar when they meant to grab the salt. Sound familiar? Let me pose this question. What if you spend this time engaged with your child, instead of trying to occupy your child with something else while you attempt to make dinner?
What if you make time to really connect with your kids by inviting them into the kitchen to cook with you? I know… that sounds like a really difficult (or totally crazy) notion to some parents. You might be thinking, “How can my toddler possibly contribute to cooking without making a huge mess and delaying the meal?” Reality check: yes, those things will happen! It’s part of the learning process. It’s up to us as parents to see the opportunities in the mess. Wouldn’t it be a gift to reframe the way our kids grow up looking at cooking? Instead of a hassle to check off a list, what if they could see it as an opportunity to enjoy a creative process and reconnect with their families at the end of the day?
If you feel resistant because the time investment or potential messiness is out of your comfort zone… I get it, because I’ve been there. But the payoffs for my relationship with my child were worth it.
How to explore with all of their senses How to make a mess... and clean up afterwards!
I now have a 9-year-old daughter who How to enjoy each step of the cooking loves inventing her own recipes and process, not just the finished dish routinely asks if she can cook dinner How to deal with disappointment if the with me. We treasure this time togethrecipe doesn’t turn out well er. How to feel pride in contributing to their I learn details about her life family’s mealtime while chopping onions. Conversations flow more freely among delicious aromas of Cooking empowers kids to be indesoup on the stove or muffins pendent in the oven. I’ve grown to If we do things for kids that they can do for love our kitchen time so much, I now teach other par- themselves, we enable them. To empower ents how to develop this spe- our kids, we need to encourage them to do age-appropriate things for themselves. For cial time with their kids. parents, this involves a process of letting go, to allow kids to learn responsibility and feel capable. Even very young children can learn As a Positive Discipline Parent Educator, I show parents how we can use many PD con- to do many kitchen tasks independently, including: cepts in the kitchen to build our relationships with kids of all ages. Measuring dry ingredients into measuring cups and spoons Cooking teaches life skills Adults often underestimate how capable little ones can be, if we just take the time to teach them what to do. When you start teaching very young children how to cook with you, they develop a sense of capability early on. They can become independent cooks far sooner than you might think. Besides practicing math skills, understanding nutrition, and learning to follow directions, cooking with your kids also teaches:
Rolling dough with a rolling pin
Cutting soft fruit, vegetables, and cheese with a child-safe knife, with some supervision
Whisking and stirring ingredients in a bowl or even on the stove, with close supervision
Invite older kids to take some ownership over mealtime by asking them to plan a menu for one or more nights of the week. Depending on their level of experience in the 5
kitchen, it could be very simple or quite elaborate. The key is being open to whatever they propose. If your kids have been reluctant to cook with you, giving them control over a menu is a great way to get their buy-in.
of time, expediency and frankly, whether the meal is edible, parents often deny kids the opportunity to contribute. Look for ways you can let go of control.
-Sometimes the cake doesn’t rise or the milk spills. Allow your child to fully experience the emotional response to disappointment or frustration… and here’s the hard part… do not dismiss or try to fix the problem. Kids feel stronger when they survive disappointment. Ask questions to help your child explore how to clean up the mess or how to improve the recipe next time.
of special time to connect is one of the best ways to address behavioral challenges like power struggles and sibling conflicts.
For instance, your toddler can help set the table. Will the forks and spoons all be Cooking encourages resilience in in the correct places? I doubt it! Your kids preschooler can fill water cups and carry them to the table. Will some of the water When we have faith in our kids to solve slop onto the floor while she’s walking? their own problems, they develop the Most definitely! The key is redefining courage to try new things. When you your idea of what mealtime should look cook with your kids, you can encourage them to muddle through disappointment like. Be willing to modify things to encourage your kids to live up to their highand find faith in themselves: est level of capability. When the water -Resist the urge to do tasks for your child slops on the floor, it’s an opportunity to that he/she can do independently. In teach your child how to clean up a spill. cooking, it may take a three-year-old Mistakes are always opportunities for many tries to measure correctly, or even kids (and adults!) to practice life skills. keep the ingredients in the bowl! It will take patience on your part, but focus on Cooking together encourages coopthe process, not the end result. Imagine eration your child’s face beaming with pride This is the most magical thing about when he/she eventually completes the cooking with your kids. task. Setting aside even a small window
Cooking is a way for parents to practice letting go It can be a challenge to resist controlling everything in the kitchen. In the interest
Behavioral issues stem from kids seeking belonging and significance in mistaken ways. Spending planned, focused time cooking with your children validates that need in a constructive, creative way. I know many parents feel they can’t fit in that special time among all the other demands in the day. But since we all need to prepare meals anyway… why not make that your special time? Not only can you
bring enjoyment to a daily obligation, you can give your kids the kind of attention that strengthens your bond and helps diminish conflicts. That is a win-win all around! Cooking with your kids can be fun! Cooking with children reminds us how much fun it can be to fully immerse ourselves in a creative process. When you look at meal prep from a child’s view, every step is a chance to explore with all of our senses and feel capable. If you watch the pure joy on a child’s face while she licks the chocolate frosting off a wooden spoon… I promise, you can’t help but feel that joy yourself!
Start with a small step I hope by now you’re feeling inspired to try cooking with your kids. And… I know it’s often challenging to implement something brand new in your family. If it feels overwhelming to make this shift in your daily routine, I encourage you to start with one small step. Aim for one day or evening out of the week where you plan to cook with your kids. Choose a time when the pressure or stress is low — don’t start with your busiest night of the week! Keep your expectations in check, thinking about the process, rather than getting to the end goal of the meal. We teach our kids to learn new skills in small steps, which helps them to feel small successes along the way. Those successes encourage them to keep trying new things and building their skills. Guess what? This works for us as parents as well! Think about how you will feel on the other side of preparing one meal with your kids each week. With that success under your belt, you may feel encouraged to try adding more nights. You may also be surprised by your family’s enthusiasm to cook more meals together. Cooking with your kids is an investment in your relationship. You’ll get meals on the table together AND help your kids develop valuable skills, in the kitchen and in life!
AMY KNOBLER Amy Knobler is a Certified Positive Discipline Parent Educator with a background as a personal chef. Amy created Cook to Connect to combine her love of positive parenting education with her passion for getting kids into the kitchen! Amy teaches parents how cooking with their kids can help transform everyday parenting challenges into opportunities for growth and connection in the family.
To learn about Amy’s offerings for families, schools, and organizations, visit www.cooktoconnect.net.
amy@cooktoconnect.net
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Moving with Kids: 9 Practical Ways to Help Your Kids Thrive on Your Next Move. By Anna Partridge
‘Look at those poor people Mummy, they have to move’, said my 6 year old daughter as we drove past a removal truck in someone’s driveway. We had just moved into our third house in five years and she was not coping well with the change. Moving with kids can certainly be challenging. Talk about the move early My daughter is now 10 and has lived in six different houses, with another move planned for the end of this year. Being a defence family, we have moved across cities, across states, and overseas. Our children have been to four schools and only one school for consecutive years.
When you find out about the move, tell your kids. There is nothing worse than letting them finding out from an overheard conversation. Keep your kids informed every step of the way of what is happening and when. If they are much younger, still talk about it but don’t confuse them with dates. Prepare them for what it will feel like, look like, and what will happen Moving house is one of the three major stresson the day and the months afterwards. Don’t ful transitions in life – right up there with dwell on it, but talk about it so they are predeath and divorce and no matter how resilient pared for the journey. If you move a lot, be upyou or your children are or how used you are front about how long you might be in one to moving, each move is a physical, social, and place and make the most of it. emotional strain on everyone involved. When stress is high, it is easy for tensions to flair as we act from an irrational mode or fight/flight Focus on the positives of the move response. The positives for your kids and family will As adults, we have better coping mechanisms change for every move. It might be that you in place to be able to deal with the change. are going to be closer to family and friends, However, our children don’t. moving to a new location with lots of advenMoving affects some children more than oth- ture and travel, more sporting opportunities, ers and according to Psychology Tohaving their own bedrooms, or making new day, children that suffer the most with a move friends. You might be moving to your own are those who are introverted, have tendencies house or a bigger house or a better location. towards anxiety and inflexibility, and are in Research the location together and find the the middle school years. best parks, restaurants, and places to ride It is our job as parents to help our children bikes (if that is what your kids are into). If you prepare for the move and ensure a smoother can’t go to the location beforehand, Google transition. With the right tools and strategies Maps are great to see where you will live and in place, we can do just that. what is around. Here are some ways to help your children thrive with the next move.
Focus on positives from the last move. When we moved to America, we lived in a suburban street and didn’t know anyone. We had to form our own community and while we were
doing it, we became a very close-knit family. We relied on each other for entertainment and adventure and it has been pivotal for all other moves to remember this. Maybe the last move was easier because you already knew people there or knew the location you were moving to.
them and have them organize your child to meet some children from their class. One of my students was moving to a school on the other side of the country and the family were only arriving a week before school started so our Defence Liaison organized for him to Skype into the class and buddied him up with Be super organized for move day another defence child to talk about the school Ensure the house is move ready. If the kids are and ask any questions. Also, buy their uniold enough, get them to help you put everyforms in term before they start school so they thing in place. If you have accommodation in can picture it. the pre pack, uplift days make sure it is nearby Once your child is at school, make settling in and going to be easy for all involved. socially and emotionally the number one foPrepare the kids for the day by talking about cus. Academics will follow. the timings, what happens and where the truck If your child has a supportive teacher, makes a goes with all their belongings. If your kids are good friend or two early on and enjoys the young, organize for them to be else where on classroom – they will thrive. To facilitate this, the actual day everything is loaded onto the be at school pick up to meet some of their truck. It is hard when their favourite bike or friends and the other parents, organize playbed is put onto the truck and they don’t underdates early on, find other community groups stand where it is going. to join, take an interest in their new friends Have the beds stripped, water out of the iron, and talk about how their lunch was and who the fridge cleaned out and off, the washing they played with. You may need to talk about machine ready, bins emptied and everything strategies here with your child to help them other little detail tied down the night before. make friends and what you do if they have no one to play with. Organize schools in advance Getting your kids into the ‘right’ school is so important to a great transition. If you know you will be in one or two major locations for the majority of moves – find the schools now and book your children in. Hedge your bets and book them into three or four schools that suit your family and your children. For example, if you are moving to Canberra or Washington DC ask around and research three schools you can see your children going to in high school and book them in now.
Validate emotions (including your own) All children will all react differently. Some will lash out with anger, other retreat, others cry – whatever it is, validate it as a real feeling and talk through it.
For example, if your child is sad because they will miss their friends, validate that feeling. Tell them it is completely normal to feel like this and you feel like it to. Talk about what they will miss about their friends and all the fun things they have done together. The worst If your move is imminent and you know which thing to say here is ‘Don’t worry, you will make school your child is going to, organize a school new ones’. Right now, they don’t want to think visit. If you are Defence, see if there is a Deabout any new friends and it will probably fence Liaison at the school and if so, meet spark more anxiety over leaving their friends
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to have to find new ones. Talk about their great ability to make friends and how easily they did it at this school. For more about validating emotions, go to my articles on anger and disappointment in children. A great resource for exploring emotions around moving is the movie ‘Inside Out’ – watching it may help your child name their feelings and talk to you about it. Unless you are a robot, you will also be going through feelings around moving. Validate them and talk to your children about how you are feeling (without over catastrophising). Talk to them about what you do when you are sad or upset to help them with their own feelings. Stay in control
Your children will largely take their lead for the move from you. If you are strong and in control – your children will be too. If you are positive – you will help your children to be positive. While it is a lot of added pressure for parents at move time, we are our children’s biggest role models at this time and need to remember this.
with a Starbucks coffee and sandwich for lunch and ate it with me over boxes, removalists and screeches of sticky tape and it was my saviour! Don’t try to do it alone – others will help you to keep it together and stay strong for your families. Keep boundaries, routines and habits in place as much as possible As much as possible, keep you children’s regular boundaries, routines and habits in place, especially around morning and bedtime routines. If your kids clean their teeth and then you read them a story before bed – keep doing it. If you expect them to use their manners as a habit, keep reminding them. If you feed them lunch at a certain time, do it. Keep meeting their needs as much as possible; otherwise this puts added strain on emotions and relationships. Be prepared that some of this will slip and that is also OK as long as you can get back to it as quickly as possible. When the rules and boundaries stay the same, your kid’s feel reassured this is a relatively normal thing to do. Mark the end
Saying goodbye to friends is an important step to finishing in one place and moving to the next. They feel significant and belonging from the community they have been part of and leave on a good note. You could organize a class leaving party after school, or invite a few There is so much to do physically that tensions friends over for a sleep over. can build at this time between you and your partner. Try to resolve them quickly and work A Defence family who recently moved had their children take a school shirt in for every together as much as you can. Your children will pick up on every little bit of stress and ad- student in their class to sign and also made up little ‘Stay In Contact’ cards with their new adversity and react accordingly. dress and details to hand out to friends. As a This is where you can use your support netfamily, you might spend the last few weeks doworks to help. Ask a friend to pick up your kids ing your favourite things in that location, like on the days of your move or bring you dinner or come over with a coffee on move day. When we moved from America, my friend came over
going to your favourite restaurant or going to your favourite park. This will cement the fun memories you have had in this location. Share Skype or social media contacts with the parents (or among the children if they are old enough) and vow to stay in touch. Give your family 6 to 12 months to settle in This is so easy to forget!! After talking to many Defence spouses and experience from our own moves, it takes TIME to settle in. Give yourself at least 6 to 12 months to feel like you are part of the new location and communicate this with your children. Don’t expect that after a month or two, it will all be smooth running. It takes time to break into any community and form the friendships and develop robust routines. The idea is to build long-term resilience so our children are adaptable to change. Ideally by talking about the move, being super organized, validating emotions and maintaining schedules – we can help our children to be emotionally sound for this move and subsequent moves.
ANNA PARTRIDGE Anna Partridge is a certified Positive Discipline Parent Educator, school teacher and mother to 3 children. She helps parents raise confident and resilient kids through the positive parenting philosophy. Anna writes articles for her blog, www.annapartridge.com and is a regular contributor for The Huffington Post. Learn more about Anna and how she helps families find the balance here.
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Helping Children Grow by Letting Them Fall By Carol Dores Many parents cannot stand to see their children hurt, fail, or make mistakes, because they love them so much. I am one of those parents. When children are very young, we are there to keep them from bumping their head or skinning their knees. As they grew older, it was helping them when they were fighting with a friend. When it came to college applications, we may have managed the deadlines, and even filled out the on-line applications. We may go as far as to write their college application essays. Why do we step in and rescue them? Why can’t we let go? We do things for our children in the name of love. Unfortunately, the end result is not good. Children end up feeling entitled, spoiled, and pampered. They may struggle with managing their time, cleaning up their mess, or solving problems. They often feel they are incapable, and struggle with selfesteem. Many go to college unprepared to take care of themselves, then move home to be taken care of again once they graduate. We cannot give our children selfesteem. But we can help them grow from within themselves, which will help them develop self-esteem. So what can we do to help our children become independent, responsible, and resilient?
We can let our children fall down. When they make a mistake, helping them with questions like, “What did you learn from what happened?” and “How can this problem be solved?” will help them learn important life skills. When we ask these questions, we need to pay attention to the nonverbal communication. Think about the tone of voice (kind and helpful, no judgement), the look on our face (calm, no frown or scowl), and that our bodies are open (arms uncrossed, not pushy).
We can let our children know we have faith in them, and encourage them to be imperfect. We can proudly share our mistakes, and model the kind of problem solving behavior we want them to use.
We can be satisfied with who they are and not expect perfection. Even subtle messages like, “Wow, you got all A’s!” communicates the importance of perfection. Instead, say something like, “Wow, you really tried hard. Congratulations!” This will help children focus on their effort and expect less perfection. We each need to decide what we can let go of. If we don’t hound the college application process, might one of our children miss important deadlines? Maybe. And maybe they would take a year off – a gap year – like is done in some countries outside of the United States. And maybe that would be what they need to be grow up and be ready and motivated. Were you or will you be able to do this? Maybe or maybe not. And maybe it would have been the better choice. It is still hard to let go…..is the neighborhood okay where one was buying a house? Was the job choice the right one? Even as our children become adults, we are likely to continue to have to work at stopping ourselves from intervening, and try hard to let them make their own decisions, and live with the consequences. And they continue to grow and learn from their own choices.
Do we rescue them? When they get a poor grade or a call from a teacher, do we blame the teacher? Do we do things for them that they are perfectly capable of doing for themselves? Have we taken the time to teach them how to do things for themselves?
Do we focus on perfection or encourage each child to be the best they can be? It all starts with ourselves. Once we start to let go of perfection, and start modeling learning from mistakes we can begin the process of teaching our children the same. Shifting from complaining and focusing on the negative to coming up with solutions to problems is a great gift to our children and ourselves.
It’s worth the time to think about how we are with our children, and what they are learning from our actions. Here are some things to think about:
Carol Schilling Dores Carol is the mother of two adult sons, and lives in Connecticut. She is a Certified Positive Discipline Parenting and Classroom Trainer and the cofounder of Positive Discipline of Connecticut. Carol is available to teach parenting classes and to bring Positive Discipline in to schools and classrooms. She is also co-chair of the Positive Discipline Association Board of Directors.
Email: carol@positivedisciplinect.org
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Making Agreements With Teens (That Stick) By Casey O’Roarty
“Follow through is a respectful, four-step approach to parenting teens that teaches cooperation, life skills, and responsibility in spite of resistance.” In our home, we have been making agreements with the kids for years, it is now common language and a practice we all know and “love” – so much so, that when I became uncomfortable with my daughter’s use of her ipod, and mentioned my discomfort, she immediately responded with “I will type up an agreement tomorrow when I get home from school.” You see, agreements are good for the kids too, because they are a tool to get parents off their back.
We all know that the teens years are a time of pushing boundaries and exploring the world (funny, that is how we would describe the toddler years as well…). Teens are feeling as though they should be in charge of their own life and decision making… And while this is the perfect time to give them more space for practicing decision making and sharing power, structure and accountability is still necessary. This is where agreements come in. Making an agreement is a four step process for inviting your teen into conversation about a problem and together coming up with a solution or plan to practice.
The four steps to making an agreement with your teen are: Have a friendly discussion about the problem. Give your child time to voice their concerns/thoughts/feelings without judging them or getting defensive. Share your concerns/thoughts/feelings in a neutral way, without blame. “I am noticing that after school chores aren’t getting done, can you tell me a bit about this experience for you?” Brainstorm some solutions to the problem. Encourage your teen to contribute to a few ideas to the list before you add yours – use lightness and humor to maintain connection.
In their book, Positive Discipline for Teen- “I need your help with this – what are agers Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott refer to some of your ideas around getting chores the process of making agreements as Fol- done each day?” low Through.
Agree on a date and time deadline (if appropriate), as you will want to be explicit around the when, especially when the agreement is around chores or homework. “So, chores will be finished by 4:00 each day.” Know that teens often won’t follow through on what they said they would do. Stay kind and firm as you follow through with holding your teen accountable to what they said they would do. “I noticed that it is 4:00 and chores aren’t done. What was our agreement?”
As I mentioned, I was feeling really uncomfortable with her screen use… I felt as though that darn device was in her hand 24/7 and was projecting into a future where we never saw her and she had limited real life social skills (we parents are so good at projecting into an unpleasant future…). Because she has experience and knows me well, she figured that an agreement would be the great way to get me off her case. This is the first agreement she wrote: Now, we have had fun with agreements
Here is the tricky part, regardless of the way resistance shows up here, our job is to stay kind and firm, “What was our agreement?” This is when parents start in with, “yeah but, MY kids won’t do anything!” I am going to invite you to have a tiny bit more faith in your child. When a teen is a part of the problem solving, when their concerns are requested and asked for –and not shot down or criticized - they are more likely to move towards cooperation. When we enter into these types of conversations with our teens, we are letting them know we see them as capable, trustworthy and creative. When we show them we believe this about them, they begin to believe and also used them as an opportunity to it about themselves too. teach the concept of “offer and counteroffer” – so I gave her my counteroffer. When agreements are about things that are important to them, you will notice that I also added the reminder that the screen teens are highly motivated to stick to is a privilege and that responsibility is it. Back to the example of my daughter what earns privilege. My daughter was acand her ipod time...
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tually offended that I would even suggest that her grades would ever drop. She has high intrinsic motivation around grades, and this was definitely motivated by fear of a “possible future” getting the better of me. A few weeks later, she and I revisited her agreement. Contributing to the household work wasn’t happening. This was a problem for me. We also had a casual conversation about teens who were unable to take tests because it required them to be away from their screens for too long and they couldn’t handle it. “Yeah,” she said, “I don’t want that to happen to me.”
dom within structure. When we have faith that our teens want to be successful, cooperative members of the family, they are more likely to show up that way. When we can check our fear, need to control, and criticism at the door, the space is open for creativity and possibility. When teens are a part of the process, feeling seen and heard, as though their voices matter, agreements stick, for a while. And when they don’t, we simply revisit the agreement.
She revised her agreement again. And this is the beauty of the agreement process! It gets revised and revisited. It is fluid. It is free-
Casey O’Roarty, M.Ed. Casey O’Roarty, M.Ed. is a wife, mother, Certified Positive Discipline Trainer, and Coach. She holds a BA in Sociology from the University of Arizona and earned her Masters in Education from the University of Washington. She teaches parents and teachers how to build stronger, more authentic relationships with themselves and the children in their lives. Casey encourages grown ups to recognize and embrace the challenges of parenting as opportunities to model, teach, and practice the skills we want our children to learn to embody. Read more of her work and check out her online offers at www.joyfulcourage.com.
5 Ways to Mindfully Approach And Manage Power Struggles by Debbie Zeichner, LCSW
Picture the scene: Your child comes home from school, dumps his backpack on the ground and starts rummaging through it looking for the new Pokémon eraser his friend had given him in a trade. Books, papers, pencils go flying around as he looks for his beloved item. When he’s unable to find it, tempers go flying. Child: “MOM, where is my eraser????!!!! Did you take it? I can’t find it anywhere! I NEED it!” You (feeling a bit surprised and maybe a little annoyed that he’s so upset over such a little thing): “I’m sure it’s here somewhere. Now come pick up this mess!” Child: “No! I have to find it! You don’t understand!!!” (As he storms off in a fit) Sound familiar? This is an example of a common scene I play out when I teach my workshop on power struggles. I ask the parents how they would typically respond to such behavior. After a “Oh, yes, I know that behavior well” chuckle from the group, they invariably say they would follow their child upstairs and insist they clean up the mess they made; that the behavior is “irresponsible.” Upon further discussion, we get to the crux of the issue. Namely, these well -meaning, well-intentioned parents worry
(and fear), among other things, that if they don’t “nip (the behavior) in the bud,” it will only get worse. When I ask parents what they really want from their kids, the vast majority says, “I just want my kids to LISTEN!” Can you relate?
In order to increase listening and cooperation, it first helps to understand what motivates our kids’ behavior in the first place. So much of what we know about childhood behavior and Positive Discipline, comes from the work of two prominent psychiatrists, Dr. Alfred Adler (father of Adlerian psychology) and Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs, author of the 1950’s seminal book, Children the Challenge. Both believed that human behavior is driven by two fundamental needs: belonging (feeling connected) and significance (feeling valuable). We also know that kids have a need for attention as well as to feel a sense of control over their world. These are core, hardwired needs we ALL possess. Kids are always looking for ways to get these needs met and will seek out attention in either appropriate ways or inappropriate ways, w hatever w or ks and in the manner in which we’ve trained them. Kids
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learn quickly and do what works for them. In addition, as far as our kids are concerned, attention is attention, whether it’s positive or negative. And, when we’re engaged in a power struggle, guess what? They have our full attention!
make a request! This constant frustration over what my kids weren’t doing and how triggered I was becoming, led me to Positive Discipline as well as to the study and practice of mindfulness and mindful parenting. According to Carla Naumburg, Ph.D., author of Ready, Set, Breathe: Practicing MindfulIn addition to these core needs, our kids also ness with your Children for Fewer Melthave big, intense feelings that underlie their downs and a More Peaceful Family, mindful behavior. What’s important to know is that parenting is about “making a choice to focus they don’t yet have the cognitive developour attention on the present moment, with ment or experience to understand and prokindness and curiosity, so we can make a cess these emotions (that part of their brain thoughtful choice about how to proceed rais still developing). Therefore, they can bether than react out of frustration or confucome easily overwhelmed and what we see, sion.” as a result, is this “crazy-making” behavior! So often, we focus solely on the behavior itIn studying mindfulness, I came to underself because, well, we just want it to stop! Yet, stand how often we are worrying about the in doing so, we’re not getting to the root future or ruminating over the past. When cause and it’s no wonder the behaviors and thinking about the past or the future, we are battles continue. simply not in the present moment. That worry, fear, anger, sadness and stress over past What’s important to know is that all behavior and future greatly impact our thoughts and is a communication and misbehavior is the behavior. When under stress, we lose the symptom of a deeper issue. A child who isn’t ability to think clearly and rationally; to see listening or who is acting “defiantly” is simp- our child’s behavior as a cry for help versus ly telling us he needs our help in the only way manipulation. On top of that, we have our he knows how! own histories of how we were raised or treated as children, which greatly influences our As Drs. Adler and Dreikurs said, “A misbe- reactions as well! Oh my!
having child is a discouraged child.” As a parent of two very strong-willed kids, I understand, first hand, what it feels like to be constantly negotiating and simply wishing my kids would just listen the first time I
Becoming aware of this process (without judgment) is key - with awareness, comes choice and opportunity. Namely, the ability to choose an appropriate response and the opportunity to model the very behavior we
As far as our kids are concerned, attention is attention, whether it’s positive or negative. And, when we’re engaged in a power struggle, guess what? They have our full attention!
want to instill in our kids as they grow. Almost 95% of what kids learn is modeled behavior. Those little eyes are always watching. As they say, let’s “be it to teach it.” Taking all of this into account leads us to the million-dollar question…”So what do I DO the next time I’m faced with a power struggle??”
With the above in mind, here are 5 ways to more mindfully approach and manage power struggles: 1.) Stop, drop and roll – When you feel annoyance or anger arise, STOP what you are doing, even if you are mid-sentence. With compassion, recognize that you are lost in thoughts and emotions that are not constructive and that the only thing you have control over is yourself and your reactions. Take 3 deep, calming breaths. Next, DROP into your body and the present moment – notice sensations in your body (tightness, shortness of breath, tension); notice and name the emotions you are feeling (“anger,” “annoyance,” “frustration”), continue breathing. Lastly, using this intentional, compassionate awareness, ROLL out a more calm and connected response. Understand that what you’re feeling may also be what your child is experiencing.
1. Stop what you are doing 2. Take 3 calming breaths 3. Roll out a more connected response.
2.) Acknowledge and validate feelings while limiting behavior (a.k.a. “Connect before you Correct”) – Our kids are not out to get us, they are simply still learning appropriate ways in which to get their needs met and need our calm presence to guide them. What they are feeling is not good or bad, right or wrong. It just is! Without judgment, acknowledge what your child is feeling, limiting any inappropriate behaviors. For example, “I can see you’re having a really hard time right now. I love you and it’s not ok to hit me. Hitting hurts. It’s ok to feel angry, it’s never ok to hit. I’m here to help. What words can you use to tell me what you need?” 3.) Give in fantasy what your child wants in reality while offering limited choices – So often, power struggles occur when there’s a mismatch in parent-child agendas; we want one thing, they want another. We want them to take a bath; they want “5 more minutes” of playtime. And so the “struggle” develops when we put our agenda ahead of theirs. Instead, realize that our child’s agenda is just as important to them as ours is to us. Drop the desire to “win.” Focus on maintaining the connection to your child. For example, “I can see you are having SO much fun building your Legos. You would probably build your Legos all night if you could, huh? I see how much fun you’re having AND it’s bath time. Would you like to bring some Legos up to the bath with us or keep them here for when we’re done. It’s up to you, you decide.”
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4.) Search for “win/win” solutions – When in the midst of a power struggle, take a step back. Check in. Realize that your child is most likely feeling powerless in the moment. Look for ways to join together to come up with a solution that can meet both of your needs. “Seems we have a dilemma here. I would like help setting the table for dinner and you really want to keep playing your game. Mmm, I’m wondering how we can make this work for both of us? What are your ideas?” Keep in mind that involving your child in this process meets their need for belonging and significance, while also models respectful communication. This is also one of the best ways to build problem-solving and decision-making skills. 5.) Take care of YOU – Self-care is imperative to cultivating open, connected and loving relationships (with yourself as well as others) and is a crucial component when it comes to mindful parenting. Despite knowing this, many parents continue to put themselves at the very bottom of their “to do” list. They say, “yes” to everyone but themselves. The airline analogy is an important one, “Secure your own mask before that of your child.” The reality is, we can’t pour from an empty cup. Be mindful of how you’re feeling and what your own needs are. Make sure you are doing something kind, compassionate and soothing for yourself as often as possible, no matter how little it may seem. There is no doubt that parenting is hard work and there is simply no such thing as a perfect parent. Be kind to yourself. You are learning right alongside your child. Just know that you’re not alone - we’re all on this miraculous journey together!
Debbie Zeichner, LCSW Debbie Zeichner, LCSW, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Parent Coach who has specialized in working with adults, children and families for over 18 years. As a Certified Parent Educator in both Positive Discipline and Redirecting Children's Behavior (RCB), Debbie facilitates engaging parenting classes, workshops and individualized coaching to assist parents in creating a sense of calm, confidence and connection within themselves and their families.
To learn more about Debbie and her parent coaching services, please visit: www.debbiezeichnerlcsw.com
debbiezeichnerlcsw@gmail.com
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The Important Role Listening Attentively Plays in Raising Respectful Children by Ariadne Brill
Years ago, at a children’s birthday party my son, five years old at the time, gently tapped my arm. “Excuse me mom?” he said. As I was talking to a friend, I placed my hand on
his and he waited for a minute or so while I finished listening to my friend. Then I excused myself and listened, fully engaged, eye to eye to my son. He told me about a game he had played and that it was “super duper fun” and ran off. My friend commented on how patiently and respectfully my son had
Goal: Raise Respectful Children Most parents in workshops and classes tell me they would like to raise respectful, caring
cooperative kids. But we all agree that at times we end up modeling the exact kind of behaviors we would rather not see. We rush our children out of the house. Or speak to in a way we would rather our child not speak to us or others. Not Now, I’m Busy!
interrupted and waited for us to finish talking.
Imagine your child comes to you, bounding
with energy, ready to share a big idea. Except It was such a nice remark, because at age
in their hurry and excitement, they interrupt
five, it had been hard to be patient with oth-
you. And what do they hear in return:
ers, especially with chatty grown ups at parties. My son and I had been working on this
“You interrupted me again!”
very goal since there had been a few times
“I was talking!!!!!”
when he had been much less than patient,
“Not now! I’m busy.”
and unable to wait respectfully.
It can be annoying to be interrupted. I know
but how those words combine with actions and the feelings children have in the interactions get out of hand. One too many conversations with us. Basically, what children live is what taking place, the clock is ticking, things need to they will give forward. get done. Emotions run high! I answer in less The more respect, compassion, kindness and than stellar ways. Has that ever happened to attention we can offer our children, the more you? they understand what it is like to do the same for others. Of course we can’t be perfect, Yet, if responding with my three children that sometimes things
badly becomes a habit, our child might begin to So, while it’s at times difficult to meet our chilsay to “not now, I am busy!” or “I can’t” back dren with calm, respectful words, even in the to us as well. And that kind of answer can feel face of mistaken behaviors, every time we do so, we are helping them learn. We are modeling rude, perhaps a bit like back talk? Certainly not respect, and attentive listening. very respectful or helpful. Mindfully Choosing Our Response So, what happens when we make a very mindful choice to focus our responses to be calm and respectful? What happens if we take the time to
a) teach children to interrupt respectfully and b) model respectful interactions by listening attentively? When I was helping my children learn to interrupt more politely I started to notice something really important. The way we treat our children directly impacts what they believe about themselves. Having respectful interactions with our children is not only important, it is at the heart of raising respectful kids.
The Magic of Listening When our children come to us with fables, ideas, and opinions it’s because they are trusting us with important thoughts. Plus, when chil-
dren feel like someone is willing to listen to them, they learn that their voice counts. This is
vital to maintaining healthy self-esteem. DediThere is some very interesting research on fam- cating 10 minutes a day to your child for listenily interactions and early learning that shows us ing time, or special time is a great way to make that 95% of what children remember and learn is based on social interactions. So it’s not room to fully listen to your child. just the words we use with our children,
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It’s normal and alright to not be interested in eve- Respectful Listening Reduces Back Talk & ry little ramble, opinion or fantasy from your
Arguments
child. Yet, we can use words and manners that
When you model such respectful communication
show our children that they do matter to us, that
you are also actively reducing the chances of back
we value their ideas, even if we are a bit busy or
talk and arguments. Because you are modeling
short on time. This actively models respectful in-
what respectful communication sounds like and
teractions.
making boundaries clear. As a bonus, your child
feeling listened to will be more likely to feel coop-
Setting respectful boundaries
erative and connected to you.
There will be times when setting a boundary will be important. If you need to make a phone call, talk to someone else, or need some quiet time. It’s important to set a limit and explain boundaries in a kind and firm way.
The way we chose to respond to our children, does create a life long model of how to be respectful and caring. Strive to listen attentively, model what you wish to
Setting kind and firm boundaries might
hear and remember to be both kind and firm when
sound like:
setting boundaries.
Thank you for your patience. Peace & Be Well, Please wait one more minute, I’m almost done. I’ll be right with you! Thank you for waiting. Ariadne This isn’t a good time, but I can listen to you right after dinner. You have so many ideas, I can hardly wait until I finish my work so I can hear all about it. I’m wrapped up in my work right now, can you make a picture about that and we can look at it together when we are both done?
Ariadne Brill Ariadne is the mom to two boys and one girl. She is a Certified Positive Discipline Parenting Educator and her specialty is helping parents find more calm and confidence on their parenting journey. Ariadne has training in Psychology, child development, communication and family counseling. Connect with Ariadne over at the Positive Parenting Connection, an online resource for parents and caregivers dedicated to promoting peaceful, playful and positive parenting. Positive Parenting Connection
Staying Cool, Calm and Curious in The Face of Really Irritating Behavior By Marcilie Smith Boyle very easily could have “flipped my lid:” now my feelings were hurt, I’d been sick all weekend without my husband, and I really just wanted to be in bed myself! How could she be so needy? I’m the one who needed Dad! It was Monday night, I was sick, and my husband had been out of town for the long weekend. He arrived home in the evening, intending to stay just long enough to print out tickets for a Warriors game (one of his few indulgences, which I am happy he takes) and then go. Our 7 year-old, M, was not happy he was leaving so quickly. When I took her upstairs for her bedtime bath, she began to cry and said she missed Daddy. “I know M, you miss Daddy. He’s been gone for a while, it’s true.” The crying persisted. “I want Daddy!” she cried. “Yeah, M, I hear you. You want Daddy. But I’m here and I love you.” I attempted a hug. Hug was rejected. “I want Daddy. I didn’t get to see him all weekend!” Lots of crying. “I know M. I’m sorry he’s not staying tonight. Let’s get into your nice warm tub.” Crying persisted. And here’s where the story could have turned sharply in the wrong direction . . . I
OK, honestly? All these thoughts did go through my head. But I kept my mouth shut and made a choice to get curious instead: Was she hungry? Did she get enough sleep last night? Or was she simply feeling disconnected from her Dad? I decided it was the last reason. I helped her into the tub (she was still crying) and sat down next to her. Dad came up to say goodnight and goodbye. “Daddy, I want you to stay,” she said. On a different day, Dad’s guilt could have made him skip the game. But we had faith in our daughter to work through her feelings and recover. Dad masterfully “built a bridge” (a term from Gordon Neufeld) with her: “M, I love you so much and I miss you, too. When I get back from the game, I will come in and cuddle with you for a minute, OK? And in the morning, we can play a game together because I’m taking you to school.” She can now see a bridge to the other side of her sadness. He left. (She was still crying.)
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We got out of the tub, dried off, and brushed teeth, through tears all the while. Here again, on a different day, I might have been pushed to my limit: “M, that’s enough now. There’s nothing we can do about it, so just move on! Stop crying!” This day, somehow, I took it in stride, knowing that feelings are always OK, and that M had some big ones right then. Trying to squelch her feelings would only exacerbate the situation.
So I stayed calm and moved on. I asked her what book she was reading and began to read to her. The story distracted her and she calmed down. My cough kept interrupting the story, but I did my best. M noticed. “Mom, I think you need some rest.” “I do, M. I’m ready for bed, too,” I replied. “Let’s just cuddle instead of reading,” said M.
“Excellent idea, M.”
After some moments of cuddling together, all was better. We were connected. She felt better, and I did too. “Thanks for helping me today, M. I really needed that cuddle,” I said. “Me too, Mommy. I love you. Get well soon!” And that’s how the story ends. It could have ended very differently. This story exemplifies one of the greatest parenting epiphanies I ever got: I don’t like crying. It makes me uncomfortable. I want it to stop. But if I can just “be” with it -- allow the feelings to be there -- and tolerate the discomfort I feel, the feelings pass. They always do. In the process, my daughter is also learning: that her feelings are real and OK to have, that she can recover, and that her parents love her even when they don't give her everything she wants, right when she wants it.
What helps you stay cool, calm, and curious in the face of really irritating behavior?
Marcilie Smith Boyle Marcilie coaches high achieving parents and professionals toward authentic success so that they can live, work, and parent with more peace, purpose, and joy. A Certified Positive Discipline Parenting Educator and Life & Leadership Coach, she leverages her previous sixteen-year consulting and marketing career to ensure her clients get a return on their coaching investment. Marcilie earned her MBA from Harvard Business School, and CPCC from The Coaches Training Institute. She offers 1:1 and group coaching (live or via phone/Skype) on topics such as parenting, work/ life balance, career transition, and leadership as well as “Parenting with Positive Discipline” More info here. marciliesmithboyle@gmail.com
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When Teens Push Your Buttons by Lisa Fuller
My relationship with my teen has been jagged.
try to greet him with a huge “I love you” smile on my face -- one that can’t be misinterpreted -- when he comes home. This strategy has helped me regain some closeness Over the past several months I’ve felt tested with him, and he frequently asks me to check and provoked like never before. It’s not easy. in on him when he’s waking or retiring for We're on solid ground right now but I admit the evening (despite our on-going issues). to having intermittent moments of insanity. One thing I’ve learned for sure as a parenting educator and so called expert is that I’m not the only one going through this… what a relief that is. You maybe facing similar challenges with your teen (maybe not for the same reasons, but likely involving the same dynamic of struggle, conflict and self doubt.) Source: http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/teenbrain/
interviews/todd.html As my teen has veered into the territory of seriously challenging behavior…(And I mean seriously), I've kept one goal in mind, stay connected. 2. You still matter to your teen, even though they're doing their darndest to push you 7 Ideas for how to stay connect- away. a quiet tone of voice --- Although you ed to your teen - even when he's Use may be feeling emotional, when possible use REALLY pushing your buttons. a quieter voice with your teen. Similar to facial expressions, teens can be misinterpreted increased volume as anger. Did I mention that this is hard stuff? Because these strategies do not come easy, but Be explicit --- When you ARE angry or annoyed about something say it in plain lanthey'll work: guage, using as few words as possible. For 1. Exaggerate positivity: A study by Deborah example: Yurgelun-Todd found that teens use their I’m angry that you didn’t text me letting me “gut” as opposed to their frontal lobe to interpret facial expressions. In short an adult’s know you'd be late. “fearful facial expression” was misinterpret- I’m angry because I’ve been so worried that ed as anger, confusion or sadness 50% of the something happened to you and I love you. 3. Try to avoid lecturing or adding editorial time. Knowing this, I've amped up my encomments (e.g., "We have talked about the thusiasm when I interact with my son and
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need to text me back a million times and I'm sick of it!"). You may find that stating your feelings clearly calms you down too. Sometimes it takes a moment for us to uncover why we're angry at our teen… oh yeah, it’s because I would step in front of a bus for this kid if necessary! Todd’s study backs this strategy, too. 4. Make yourself available to your teen, even when it feels inconvenient. The other night I was snug in my bed when my teen came home and asked me to come watch Survivor with him. I did. 5. Use humor --- Teens take themselves seriously. The angst and insecurity they’re feeling is real for them even though you may see it as overly dramatic. I’ve found humor- especially the corny or goofy kind- can provide a counter weight to all that teen gloom. I use silly voices, faces and poop talk- ridiculous as it sounds- because they make me laugh. Maybe for you it's a cartoon from the New Yorker or a funny youtube video of a kitten. Use your sense of humor to bring levity to what can feel like a heavy relationship with your teen. They’ll be relieved that you’ve got space to breathe and have fun and it just might open the door for them to do the same. 6. Post a visual reminder the clearly shows the essence of your child --Find a photo of your teen as a younger person a photo that you love - with an expression on their face that captures your heart. Carry this photo with you or put it somewhere easy to see. Use this as a visual
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reminder of who this kid really is in his heart. Your teen can look and act downright ugly and an image can remind you of the deep love you have for him, even when you’re not feeling it every moment. 7. Take care of yourself --- Make this a priority because in order to be on the top of your game, in order to actually do 1 - 5, you need a well of strength to draw from. Remember, children do better when they feel better and so will YOU. You can’t expect humor, listening, positivity, etc. from yourself when you’re depleted. Exercise, rest, see friends, get outside- whatever fills your tank, find time to do it. Your teen will thank you! Parenting a teen is no joke. Dig deep, breathe deep, and in that quiet space invite faith that they will be okay, that you’re doing the best you can by being present when you can and providing unconditional love. They won't be a teen forever. Lastly, although parenting a teen can lead to a deep desire for control - especially when their behavior seems out of control- the same principle of kindness and firmness applies. Although I'm tempted to 'lay down the law' with my teen, I know that if I lose connection with him, I have no chance of helping him make good choices with his life.
Lisa Fuller “My life’s work is dedicated to helping you enjoy the precious time you have with your family.”
Lisa has a B.A. from Georgetown University and a M.S.W. from the University of California at Berkeley. She is a Positive Discipline Educator, Trainer and Certified Professional Co-active Coach. http://lisafullercoaching.com
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10 Ways to Prepare Your Child for a New Sibling -Sarina Behar Natkin, LICSW
Is baby number two, three or four on the way?
funk before we give him the news.” Wrong. Tell little Johnnie. If nine months is barely enough time for us grown ups to adjust to While this is exciting news, many parents the idea of a new baby, lets not short change wonder how their existing child or children our kids. Believe that no matter what comes will adjust to the changes ahead. With some their way, your child is resilient. Your child thought and planning, we can ease this tran- is and will be fine because you are guiding sition for the whole family. Here are ten tips and modeling how to take care your emofor helping your current kiddos get ready for tions. their starring role as big brother or sister. 2) Get a book. There are some wonderful 1) Tell them! Often parents are delighted to children’s books available that explain find out they are expecting again, but worry what’s going on during pregnancy and others about telling their existing children too soon. that share what it means to be a big brother or sister. Kids want to know the logistics. Children are smart, even toddlers! If some- These books can help guide your discussions thing is happening in your home, they will about the upcoming changes in your home. pick up on it. If they don’t know what it is, These are my favorites! they are likely to feel anxious. Of course they won’t tell you that in so many words, they When You Were Inside Mommy, by Joanna will just cling to you like glue, their sleep Cole may be disrupted or they may try to get atBaby on the Way, by Martha Sears, William tention in all sorts of challenging ways. Sears, Christie Watts Kelly I’m a Big Sister, by Joanna Cole At this point, parents may say to themselves, I’m a Big Brother, by Joanna Cole “Wow, something is going on with little What Baby Needs, by Martha Sears, William Johnnie, we better wait until he is out of this Sears, Christie Watts Kelly
3) Involve your child in getting ready for baby. My older daughter helped me put wall decals up in what was to be the new baby’s room. She was very proud of helping and made it feel like it was her baby too. Any activities your child can do with you to prepare for baby’s arrival help create a feeling that she is a part of the process. When included, your child is more likely to feel the changes are happening "with" her as opposed to happening "to" her. 4) Keep your routine. As with any new adjustments our children must make, keeping the rest of their routines intact will help a great deal. Stick to nap times, bedtimes, and regular activities if at all possible. Avoid making any other big changes in your child’s world in the months surrounding baby’s arrival. This is not a great time to potty train, or to expect any big routine or behavior changes. If you are hoping to transition your older one to a big kid bed or new room, I advise doing that before the last month or two of pregnancy. Sometimes changes during this time are necessary, and your child will adapt, but it is easier on them if we can keep as much stable as possible. 5) Pick out a baby gift. It can be fun to take the big sibling shopping for a gift for the new baby, and have the new baby get her a gift too! This gives a little bonding from the start and helps cement the idea that there really is a live baby joining the home soon. Homemade gifts are wonderful as well. 6) Expect an adjustment period. Remember, the arrival of a new baby is an adjustment for all of you. Sometimes we see a little regression in our older child. They may revert back to earlier behaviors, regress in terms of potty training, have disrupted sleep or misbehave. It’s a great time to cut the
whole family some slack. Your older child is just feeling a little displaced and is exploring other ways to claim their space. If we focus on it, they get the message that their tactics are working. Showing empathy and compassion is a much quicker way to get your child back on track than engaging in a power struggle over these regressions.
7) Make time for your older child. After baby arrives, make sure you have some regular special time planned with your older child that he or she can count on each day. Even if its just 15 minutes of uninterrupted time alone with you, this will help him or her continue to feel connected. 8) Give them a baby of their own. Some kids enjoy having a baby doll of their own to care for. They like having diapers for their baby and can change theirs when the new baby needs a change. They make some fun baby doll carriers so he or she can mimic you and where their baby as well. Please don’t panic if your son or daughter imitates nursing. This is absolutely normal and just their chance to explore what they see happening around them. 9) This time is different. Remind yourself early and often that life will never be identical for your second or subsequent children to how it is with your first. It just doesn't work that way. It feels like we are not giving the second as much as we gave the first, but they have the added benefit of an experienced, more relaxed parent and a sibling who is more than making up for any less attention the second child is getting from you. We can drive ourselves nuts thinking I did this for #1 so I must do it the same way for #2. They are different people and will have their own indi-
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vidual differing needs and experiences, and that just fine. 10) Remember to get support. I often see parents of second children jumping back in to the normal routine so quickly that they barely get to acknowledge the big changes that are happening in their lives. No, we don’t panic in the same way when we notice a tiny rash on our newborn. That’s the nice part of the second and subsequent times around. Keep in mind parenting two, is different than parenting one. I remember living in fear the first time I had to get two little ones out the door by myself. The new stuff is still new, the hormone changes as your body recovers from pregnancy and childbirth are still happening, and most of us don’t receive the same kind of doting and care taking that we may have received after the birth of our first.
Whatever your feelings, birth experience or adjustment to a second or subsequent child is like, remember we must take care of ourselves first if we really want to care for our children. Just because you didn’t need a postpartum doula or lactation support the first time, doesn’t mean you won’t the second time. Let go of the self-talk that tells us we should have it all under control with no questions this time around. Our children are resilient, they will adjust to life with a new baby, and so will you. Just be sure to get the support you need so you can support your older child through the transition. Being mindful of how to prepare your child for a new sibling can help ease the transition for the whole family. Then comes the most amazing part, watching the sibling relationship grow!
Sarina Behar Natkin, LICSW Sarina is a Certified Positive Discipline Trainer, a parent educator and consultant in the Seattle area. She co-founded GROW Parenting to provide the tools and support to raise healthy children and find more joy in parenting. GROW Parenting offers parent coaching and classes, as well as frequent speaking engagements at area schools and businesses. sarina@growparenting.com
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Building Connection and Influence Even When Your Child is Pulling Away By Paige Michaelis
A few years ago I was at a holiday party chatting with a woman I had never met before when the topic turned to children. When I told her the ages of my children she got a sad look on her face and said, “8 and 9 was around the time that my children began to pull away and need me less, and it was REALLY HARD.” Then she said, “And it only gets worse from there.”
the past, who doesn’t? But now it is as if my thought process consists of, “If I do X (or say X) then Y should happen.” I consistently have this idea of a perfect outcome in the back of my mind each time we are together. I want them to have certain reactions, to be happy most of the time and to want to be with me all the time. Unfortunately, this type of thinking does not take into account their moods, expectations, development!, agenda or interpretation. I am setting all of us up for failure and myself for disappointment, but I want things to be as they used to be.
Through some pretty intense selfreflection, I have realized that these expectations are really about my need for control, and that my digging in with more control is about holding on tight to At the time, I felt very secure with my children wanting to be around me. There what used to be because I’m feeling a was no “pulling away” going on. But here sense of loss. It’s a Mid-Parenting Crisis we are two years later, and what she said per se as Shefali Tsabary discusses in her book the Conscious Parent. has completely come true. The reality about tight controls is that they bring about marked behaviors including rebellion, a “shutting down” of emotions or getting sneaky. And while we can recognize this as teen angst and rebellion, it may not only be about the teens. It may also be about what the parent is going through as this Psychology Yes, I may have had some expectations in Today article confirms. It is in fact very possible that many parents of teens are also going through a “Mid Parenting crisis”. Feeling similar behaviors to those I have been experiencing, such as rejection and loss, plus others including the “Who Am I?” (without my child) questions as I haven’t only noticed the changes in their behavior, but have also recognized some changes in my own behavior as well. Mostly it is about my new extreme expectations. Expectations about how my interactions with my girls are “supposed” to go.
well. I can see how easy it would be to want to hold on tight to teens thus causing even more rebellion. Interesting stuff. So how does one avoid the Mid Parenting Crisis? In Tsabary’s book she discusses letting go of strict controls and moving more towards having influence over your child. Influence – The act of producing an effect without apparent exertion of force or direct exercise of command – helps your child be more open to those things that you really want them to learn. Those things include our values, listening to that little voice inside of their heads (especially if it’s ours!) and the long term life skills and characteristics we want for them such as responsibility, respect, kindness. Influence is different from control. It’s about connection and also about letting go. Letting go of strict expectations, letting go of our old parenting conditioning, and sometimes letting go of our own ego based needs in order to give the child an opportunity to fly.
How to influence:
Greet your child with a gentle touch, a kind word, and a smile every chance you get.
Listen, really listen, without judgment.
Spend lots of time getting to know your child and what his world is like.
Talk to your child with respect and kindness, the same way you would like to be talked to.
Make it safe to express feelings.
Build a relationship & create a lifelong connection.
Hope it helps, Paige
Paige Michaelis Paige Michaelis is a Certified Positive Discipline Educator, Coach and the Founder of 1 Minute Mommy. She is also the mother of two amazing girls and wife to a very child-like husband. She can be found at www.1minutemommy.com . 35
Positive Discipline Guidelines
by Jane Nelsen D.Ed.
1.) Misbehaving children are “discouraged children” who have mistaken ideas on how to achieve their primary goal — to belong. Their mistaken ideas lead them to misbehavior. We cannot be effective unless we address the mistaken beliefs rather than just the misbehavior. 2.) Use encouragement to help children feel “belonging” so the motivation for misbehaving will be eliminated. Celebrate each step in the direction of improvement rather than focusing on mistakes. 3.) A great way to help children feel encouraged is to spend special time “being with them.” Many teachers have noticed a dramatic change in a “problem child” after spending five minutes simply sharing what they both like to do for fun. 4.) When tucking children into bed, ask them to share with you their “saddest time” during the day and their “happiest time” during the day. Then you share with them. You will be surprised what you learn. 5.) Have family meetings or class meetings to solve problems with cooperation and mutual respect. This is the key to creating a loving, respectful atmosphere while helping children develop self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation, and problem-solving skills. 6.) Give children meaningful jobs. In the name of expediency, many parents and teachers do things that children could do for themselves and one another.
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Children feel belonging when they know they can make a real contribution.
7.) Decide together what jobs need to be done. Put them all in a jar and let each child draw out a few each week; that way no one is stuck with the same jobs all the time. Teachers can invite children to help them make class rules and list them on a chart titled, “We decided.” Children have ownership, motivation, and enthusiasm when they are included in the decisions.
11.) Get rid of the crazy idea that in or-
der to make children do better, first you have to make them feel worse. Do you feel like doing better when you feel humiliated? This suggests a whole new look at “time out.”
12.) Use Positive Time Out. Let your children help you design a pleasant area (cushions, books, music, stuffed animals) that will help them feel better. Remember that children do better when they feel better. Then you can ask your 8.) Take time for training. Make sure chil children, when they are upset, “Do you think it dren understand what “clean the kitchen” means would help you to take some positive time out?” to you. To them it may mean simply putting the dishes in the sink. Parents and teachers may ask, 13.) Punishment may “work” if all you are inter“What is your understanding of what is exested in is stopping misbehavior for “the mopected?” ment.” Sometimes we must beware of what
works when the long-range results are negative—resentment, rebellion, revenge, or 9.) Teach and model mutual respect. One retreat. way is to be kind and firm at the same time— kind to show respect for the child, and firm to 14.) Teach children that mistakes are show respect for yourself and “the needs of the wonderful opportunities to learn! situation.” This is difficult during conflict, so use A great way to teach children that mistakes are the next guideline whenever you can. wonderful opportunities to learn is to model this yourself by using the Three Rs of Recovery after you have made a mistake: 10.) Proper timing will improve your effectiveness tenfold. It does not “work” to (1) Recognize your mistake. deal with a problem at the time of conflict— (2) Reconcile: Be willing to say “I’m sorry, I didemotions get in the way. Teach children n’t like the way I handled that.” about cooling-off periods. You (or the children) (3) Resolve: Focus on solutions rather than can go to a separate room and do something to blame. (#3 is effective only if you do #1 & #2 make yourself feel better—and then work on the first.) problem with mutual respect.
Teach and model mutual respect. One way is to be kind and firm at the same time—kind to show respect for the child, and firm to show respect for yourself . 37
15.) Focus on solutions instead of consequences. Many par ents and teacher s tr y to disguise punishment by calling it a logical consequence. Get children involved in finding solutions that are: (1) Related (2) Respectful (3) Reasonable (4) Helpful 16.) Make sure the message of love and respect gets through. Star t w ith “I care about you. I am concerned about this situation. Will you work with me on a solution?� 17.) Have fun! Bring joy into homes and classrooms.
Make sure the message of love and respect gets through.
Dr. Jane Nelsen Dr. Jane Nelsen is a licensed Marriage, Family and Child Counselor in South Jordan, UT and San Diego, CA. She is the author and/or coauthor of the Positive Discipline Series.
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