New coffee shop in Union Market Caffeine comes to the cafe H ave you ever wished that you could grab a comforting latte to go with your breakfast or a frosty frappuccino for that midday pick-me-up? Or what about a caramel white chocolate mocha with an extra shot and whip cream? Don’t have time to run across the street to The Mill or drive to Starbucks to get your caffeine kick for the morning? Well, say no more; your wish has been granted!
Union Market will be opening up its very own coffee shop! Taking the place of the former smoothie bar, the coffee shop is expected to be open for business within the next few weeks, following a few minor renovations.Thismini coffee shop will feature all your favorites, including brewed coffee, lattes, macchiatos and cappuccinos. Not a coffee lover? Not to worry! Specialty teas, steamers, non-dairy and other non-caffeinated drinks will be available as well. Additionally, like anything in the cafe, all drinks can be charged to your card, making getting your morning coffee easy and convenient! The coffee shop will be open from 7:30 a.m. to 2:00 p.m. on weekdays. It will not be open on Saturday or Sunday.
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It is an exciting new addition to Union College, one which many think is long overdue. “I am thrilled!” said one student. “It will be so convenient and I think it will be a real upgrade to the cafe. I always have trouble using up my cafe money. I don’t think that will be a problem anymore!” Many staff agree. “I think this could really boost the cafe’s business with staff members,” said a professor.Withit opening so soon, the cafe will be looking to hire several workers in the next few weeks. If you have ever dreamed of being a barista, now is your chance! If you love coffee ©Union College
The Mocktower 3 Comedy 4 Fitness 5 Technology 6 Lincoln News TURN THE PAGE The official COLLEGEUNION newspaper March 30, 2022 Issue 18, Volume 96 7 Nebraska Talk 8 Politics 9 Sports 10 Outlook
Look
Hannah Olin is a junior History Education major from Princeton, IL. for the rabbit hidden in the issue. The first 10 people to take a picture and send it to @uc.clocktower will win a cash
2 Editor–in–Chief Jacob Sanchez Assistant Editor Sierra Lastine Layout Editor Maria Kercher Assistant Layout Editor Charles Metz Lead Photographer Andrew Schwartz Assistant Photographer Evan Majors Distributor Joseph Lee EditorNEWS Chrisheline Kalawo Lincoln News Annika Cambigue Technology News Justin Anderson Politics Spencer Trana EditorENTERTAINMENT TJ Pittenger Sports Kelina Rodgers Pop Culture Hannah Olin Comedy Nicole Hardt EditorLIFESTYLE Gabriel Sanders Outlook Annelise Jacobs Book Briefings Juliet Bromme Health & Fitness Caleb Schaber Nebraska Talk Hannah Drewieck and are willing to learn how to use the equipment and make the specific drinks, this would be the perfect job for you! If you are interested, please text (407) 421-2695 with your name and that you would like to apply to be a barista at the cafe.Additionally, the cafe is looking for some creative names for this new little coffee shop. If you have any ideas, please also text them to the number above! Giveaway!!
prize!
If these quidditch intramurals kick off without a hitch and have enough people participating, there may be a chance for next year’s freshmen to join in on the fun as well. Then with an exponential growth of every year’s new participants, we may have a chance to be the first Adventist college to have a varsity team as well. This could bring great revenue to not only the athletic department, but to the school as a whole.
The positions available on a quidditch team are as follows: seeker, keeper, beaters and chasers. There are one seeker, one keeper, two beaters and three chasers per team. The seeker is the player that seeks the snitch. The snitch is a walnut-sized golden ball with wings that they chase around. The keeper’s task is to not let any balls into the hoops of their team. The beater’s job is to throw the bludger at the chasers, which, if hit, makes them drop whatever ball is in their possession. The chasers have the important job of getting the quaffle into the other team’s hoops without getting hit by the bludger.
For those Union Warriors that love to watch and not play, we have a special opportunity to film and broadcast the games. There will also be limited on-site seating to watch the games as they happen in real time. Beware that if Union’s quidditchnewteam
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you do choose to sit and watch the games in person, you may have a chance to interact with the players and some unwanted ball action too.
If you are the type of person that wants to be in the audience and interact with the game, then the on-site seating would be perfect for you.
A thrilling new sport for the Warriors
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hough many may pass it off as just flying around in an arena, I would advise you to reconsider. For those who like physical contact sports like soccer and football, this may be your next adventure. I was sick and tired of all the same sports every year at Union, but finally someone decided to make a suggestion. That suggestion was to introduce Union College to quidditch. Warriors, be on the lookout for an update from Kaylin Bogue about signing up for the quidditch intramurals. These intramurals will be co-ed, and anyone is allowed to come and join. There will also be a need for some coaches and captains as this is a relatively new sport and not many people around the world know how to ride a broomstick.
Whether you want to coach, play, film or spectate the up-and-coming sport of quidditch, now is your chance. Be on the lookout for any updates via uGroups about the new sport coming to Union College on April 1.
Gabriel Sanders is a sophomore English major from Apopka, Fla.
You might be thinking, “Why would Nebraska do this? Is this really an issue?”
I honestly thought about that too. Then I remembered this: when I was in Gothenburg on my way out to Colorado, I saw a man take his horse through a manual car wash before taking it back onto the road. With how the state laws are set up now, all rideable livestock such as cows and horses must stay in the field or away from any roads. This has caused a lot of outrage from farmers and ranchers. I spoke to a local rancher named Rete Picketts who said, “Previous legislation that has banned our cows from taking the road has caused more harm than good for us. We have our cows and horses stepping on rocks and things all the time, so their feet constantly Nebraska legislation to affect traffic
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I n 2021, China introduced new traffic lights to help ease transportation. Many high-traffic areas were having issues due to a slower means of transportation clogging up the roadways – camels. In Gansu Province, a main source of tourism is through camel tours, so to help fix traffic issues they have implemented camel specific stop lights. With heavy cattle traffic throughout all of Nebraska, the state government is looking to implement its own cattle only lane on the highway, along with cattle specific traffic lights.
The state plans on adding another lane to highways and interstates that is for cattle only. They also plan on adding traffic lights so cattle will be able to get onto these roadways safely. A potential issue that could come from this is because the cattle have never been on the highway before, they may not understand the lines and drift over into other lanes. There is concern that specifically I-80 between Lincoln and Omaha will become increasingly crowded due to the amount of business done between the two cities. So your next trip home through Omaha may be delayed due to mass(ive) cows on the roads.
Andrew Schwartz is a junior adminstrationbusinessmajor from Lincoln, Neb. hurt.”So what changes are actually going to come from this? How will it affect our traffic?
Your Omaha commute may soon become more difficult
©Nabeel Syed | Unsplash
©Nebraska Corn Evan Majors is a freshman business administration major from Winston Salem, N.C.
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t seems like Nebraska is finally living up to its biggest stereotype. And what is that stereotype, you may ask? That Nebraska is nothing but cornfields. Well, believe it or not, Nebraska is not the top state for corn production. That title belongs to Iowa. Well now Nebraska is wanting that title for itself. Last week Governor Pete Ricketts officially announced that the state of Nebraska will be filing a lawsuit against Iowa for the sole production rights to corn. Since this is a state vs. state case, this case will be going directly to the Supreme Court. It is currently unknown if this case will even be heard considering the controversy behind it. Iowa Governor Kim Reynolds said that she found this lawsuit preposterous and that it puts the livelihoods of thousands of Iowan farmers at risk. She also said without corn Iowa would have no purpose being a state as there is nothing else in Iowa. We expect to hear within the next few weeks whether or not this case will be picked up by the Supreme Court, but if it does and Nebraska wins, it’ll significantly boost the economy of Nebraska and ravage the economy of its neighbor. Nebraska is attempting to justify this move with the notion that since they’re the most commonly associated with cornfields, then they should be the main state producing it. This is causing worry amongst other corn producing states such as Illinois and Missouri. Illinois Governor J.B. Pritzker said that he worried that if Nebraska wins this lawsuit, they’ll come for Illinois next and that would mean that’d be one less thing they can impose taxes on. Missouri Governor Mike Parson said it’s very unsettling to be right in the middle of a dispute such as this between its northern and western neighbors. Regardless of the reaction to this lawsuit, we could be in for a nasty battle in the courtroom as states battle it out for this massive asset to their economies.
Two states battle it out for corn supremacy
Nebraska versus Iowa
The challenge officially begins the first week of April and will last for the whole month. Students are encouraged to keep their assigned squirrels in tiptop shape, even on the weekends. I, for one, am excited to see our furry friends getting back in shape again. So, get on out there. Get your pint-sized sweat bands, and get those rodents to burn some calories!
©Pinterest Caleb Schaber is a freshman communication major from Lincoln, Neb.
April’s new health and wellness challenge A s we all know, Union’s squirrels are somewhat of an unofficial mascot for our campus. This is why Union is beginning to take steps toward bettering the health of our furry little friends. As many of you may have noticed, there is an abundance of obese squirrels scampering around the quad and clocktower areas. While these pudgy little fellas are cute to look at, it is glaringly obvious that their overly rotund bellies are not healthy for their tiny bodies. This is why Union College is proud to announce its April Health and Wellness challenge: uSquirrel!
For this exciting month-long event, students will be assigned a personal squirrel on campus that they are in charge of taking care of and helping to lose weight. Squirrel weigh-ins will take place every Wednesday in the atrium to see how much progress each student has made with his or her squirrel. By the end of the month, the student who has made their squirrel lose the most weight will be awarded with a $100 gift card to a restaurant of their choice. We had the pleasure of interviewing some faculty members about their thoughts on this new campus-wide event. Most seemed very onboard with the idea, but not all were sure about the logistics of such an undertaking. Namely, the plant services team who was assigned with weighing and tagging all the squirrels prior to April.
Union losssquirrellaunchesweightprogram
“It’s just not practical,” said Plant Services Director Paul Jenks. “The squirrels are just too darn fast to catch, and when we do, they don’t hold still long enough to put them on the scales for weighing. I have no idea how the students are going to be able to get close to them, let alone stick them on the tiny treadmills they’re having us build for the challenge.”Undeterred by this minor hiccup, President Vinita Sauder has given the green light for the project, stating, “It will be good for both our students and our squirrels. I can’t wait to see smiling students and skinny squirrels running around our campus.”
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Unconfirmed reports agree. Not much has been said in the news since the government has been preoccupied with the COVID-19 pandemic and covering the Ukraine crisis. That’s all about to change as we leave Omicron behind in an endemic state and hope to stop Putin in his tracks.
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A video leaked in 2021 showing renderings of a highly functional smartphone from the popular electric vehicle manufacturer owned by Elon Musk. Several ideas have floated around. Connectivity on Mars. Starlink service from satellites. Maybe even Neuralink integration.
But there is a reason that we haven’t heard about it – the Tesla phone – just yet. A hint comes to us in the form of a tweet from the celebrated billionaire Elon Musk in September 2020: “Definitely not. Smartwatches & phones are yesterday’s technology, Neuralinks are the future.”
The Tesla phone
Just how far will Elon Musk go?
He’s clearly thinking beyond smartphones.
A leaker has alerted several news outlets that applications have been submitted to the government for the first neural implant cellular device. It’s estimated that the device will be installed and activated in a half-hour surgery and Tesla plans to streamline the process with an all-in-one payment plan. Using the phone will be a breeze as you will no longer have to hold a phone to your ear, plug in earbuds or even take up much-needed pocket space. You’ll also be able to queue up your music just by thinking about it, participate in Discord voice rooms on the fly and even control your Tesla car. However, the plan is headed for a stiff battle in Congress. While senators Joe Manchin and Mitt Romney are heralding the devices as “the future of connectivity,” staunch extremists on both sides of the aisle are vowing to pass legislation to block any such devices from appearing on the market. In a leaked video originally intended for staffers only, congresswomen Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Marjorie Taylor Greene declared that they will unite in opposing the device and will co-author a letter to President Biden denouncing the technology. AOC tearfully expressed how one wrong glitch could make her embarrassing tweets of the past “seem innocent in comparison to a haywire computer’s comments,” while MTG mournfully described how “embarrassed my kids will be when it offers to make Gestapo soup for potluck.” The two will appear on a joint livestream on YouTube and Rumble in the two networks’ first partnership in their bitter battle for success. The Tesla phone will likely never see the light of day. But if opposition to the idea can bring two embittered politicians into unity, maybe the failed venture was worth it. ©Tesla Charles Metz is a freshman theology major from Center, N.D.
The autobiography of Mike Mennard
O ver the years Professor Mike Mennard has written many books including “Can’t Keep My Soul From Dancing,” “Shall We Gather at the Potluck” and “To the Ledge at the Edge of the Universe.” This year, though, he has been working on something a little different: an autobiography. The book has stories from his time in a punk rock band, the year he spent abroad in Italy and the stories from his Ukrainian grandparents. This is his effort to share the journeys he has been on, jokes he has heard and wisdom he has acquired.
©Lincoln Journal Star
Sierra Lastine is a junior English and foreign language major from Grand Junction, Colo.
Pirate’s Life for Me”
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writing and beat poetry at the same time. The title of his book is actually a reference to Mennard’s music and is explained in chapter 14 entitled “Yo Ho!’’. Many things changed for Mike during and in the time after college. In his junior year he had left the punk group to pursue song writing and literature more fully. These pursuits greatly expanded Mennard’s interests and led him to discover that he enjoyed writing children’s music. He came out with a number of songs centered around pirates such as “Pirates do the Darndest Things,” “It’s a Pirate’s World,” “Men on a Dead Man’s Chest” and many more. This book is a wild ride full of unexpected surprises and daring adventures, as well as heartfelt moments and humor. I would highly recommend it.
Some of my favorite chapters involved Mennard’s career as a musician. His musical origins began in the seventh grade when he and some friends started a band called Prodigal Sons. The band continued casually for several years with Mike as its lead guitarist. He went on to join a punk rock band in college and pursue other interests like song “A
The story has many fun chapters and memorable quotes. “Life is better than I deserve” is a trademark phrase repeated throughout the book and many students might be familiar with from his classes. The origin of this phrase is revealed as having come from a trucker who picked Mennard up once when he was hitchhiking in Saskatchewan during the summer of his sophomore year. In his book Mennard writes,“There I was, down about life but young, able to attend college, traveling. The gentleman beside me was old (or at least he appeared so to me), didn’t finish high school, had been working the same job for the past 20 years, yet he was happy despite it all. Despite the cold winters and long days and weeks away from his family, he was still happy. Before I had found all this out, when I first hopped into the truck, I asked him how life was as a trucker. He grinned at me with a crooked smile and said, ‘Life is better than I deserve’” (p. 109). It is the fun and strange interactions, like the one above, that really makes the book something unique.
Sauder was forced to move out on her own when her parents disappeared in 1903. The local police force chalked the event up to child abandonment and the case was closed.
Superheroes and supervillains were just coming to the light of the media in the 1930s. Sauder nearly drowned in the Tsunami of 1933, the natural disaster caused by highranking super villain Destructive Daniel. That was the tsunami that turned Boston into the underwater city that it is today. Sauder was saved from the watery depths by Mother Nature herself and given control over the weather to protect the Earth from humanity. Sauder chose to leave her past life behind for the greater good and traveled to Mother Nature’s home to master the elements.
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From the Union College Wiki, the ultimate encyclopedia Vinita Sauder V
Career (1950-2012)
After her takedown, villains searched for Victorious Vinita and Magnificent Michelle for Amongrevenge.the dozens of villains brought to justice, the most famous of all was against Destructive Daniel. The storm that happened included a hurricane, tsunami, earthquake and five tornados. The duo hunted him down and stopped the storm just before it reached Florida’s coast. The villain was stripped of his powers and imprisoned for 30 years. He now resides among civilization in a protection program. Disappearance from public eye (2012-2016) As the team reached their mid-life crisis, they decided to settle down. Victorious Vinita and Magnificent Michelle moved to nonchalant Lincoln, Nebraska, under the witness protection program. You can now find these two people residing in the President’s Office, where they have adopted a normal life. For safekeeping, Sauder stored her powers in a solid crystal ball, only bringing them out to confuse people with the weather. You can find the crystal ball on the president’s desk today, safely awaiting a time when Union will need a hero.
©Jacob Sanchez Annelise Jacobs is a junior communication major from Peru, Maine.
inita Sauder (born January 19, 1809) is the current serving president for Union College in Lincoln, Nebraska. Early Life (1809 – 1900) Vinita Sauder was born to a small family in January 1809. For the first 90 years of her life, Sauder was raised by her parents in a cottage on the edge of the city of Boston. While in this metropolitan area, she completed two doctoral degrees in education and landscape architecture. Entering the career field (1901-1950)
During Sauder’s training, Mother Nature sent her to Nepal, a country known for abrupt and disastrous weather. While she was in Nepal, Sauder met Magnificent Michelle, who had a special connection with animals and could communicate with them. They became friends and eventually a superhero duo. It was around this time that Sauder adopted the pseudonym Victorious Vinita.
The crime-fighting duo took the world by storm as they were victorious in all their battles. Their first victory came in 1950 when they were accosted by Nefarious Nicole, the mastermind of the explosives known for the demolition of the O’Hare airport in Chicago.
10 openOnehours.”ofthe biggest changes is that the Hyde Observatory will be open to the public again after several years of being closed. Watson stated that “This is one of the few things that I do not want to keep from the public. This should be made available.”
One thing that won’t change is the ability to fish. According to the Lincoln Registry of Game, fishing and sports must be made available to the public in order to keep park status. Watson does plan to have new basketball courts and volleyball courts built. There will also be improved dog parks and biking trails.
Changes coming to Holmes Lake
Watson has been slowly building a local business for over a couple decades. After years buying buildings across the state, he now has a series of bookstores throughout Nebraska, with three in Lincoln alone. Watson just recently decided to invest in the local community by purchasing the Holmes Lake. With the new purchase comes changes to the property. First, Holmes Lake will not be known as Holmes Lake anymore. It is receiving a name change which will go into effect on April 10. The name has yet to be announced but is theorized to be of European origin. Along with the name change, there will also be a tea and coffee shop built on park grounds. The shop is reportedly called Bakers Street. It will be opened sometime around the date of the name change. There is also a list of rules that many must follow in order to enjoy the park. According to Watson in a public announcement, “There will not be people parked late at night in the park. There will also be a reduced number of ©Joseph Lee TJ Pittenger is a junior theology major from Gilson, Ill.
New owners and new ideas H olmes Lake is a place that many know well. It is sometimes a place to get some sun or take a break from the stresses of life. And it’s now under new management.Previously owned by the city of Lincoln, Holmes Lake and its surrounding land has recently been purchased by a private organization. Dr. Watson, the new CEO and a wealthy writer, plans on making many changes in coming years.
Watson decided to purchase the land due to a lack of transformation. The importance of change and improvement is something that he wants to emphasize in Lincoln. In a recent press conference he stated, “The land and the park have been the same, so let’s change it up.”
T here’s nothing like the sinking feeling when a piece of chewing gum escapes the confines of your mouth and slides down your throat. Mistakes happen to everyone, but unfortunately, these small mishaps can be life threatening. For decades, grandparents and parents alike have warned their children about swallowing chewing gum. Recent reports and studies from reputable sources indicate that there is legitimacy to these stirring claims. In 2022, Harvard Health reported that 70% of all children struggling with digestive issues actually had a severe intestinal bubblegum obstruction. Researchers concluded that because gum components are resistant to the digestive enzymes of the stomach, these sticky elements are able to bind to the intestinal lining, creating a permanent barrier that can only be surgically removed. Repeatedly swallowing gum will cause an accumulation in the tract, with some X-ray scans showing gum obstructions the size of a baseball. The reported symptoms from such obstructions have ranged from hair loss, belly button pain, seizures, loss of appetite, brain freezes and, occasionally, sudden death. Due to the alarming nature of the reported side effects and the common presence of these blockages, panicked individuals around the country are throwing away their gum. Instagram activists are not far behind, warning their audience about the dangers of swallowing gum and calling for a national recall, #burnthedoublebubble. Small protests have also sprung up in several cities like Boston and Denver, calling on the FDA to respond to these new findings. Finally, weeks after bubblegum paranoia swept the nation, the President of the United States hosted a press conference to address the gumrelated fears of the public. He stated that his “thoughts and prayers are with the families that have been affected by the chewing gum
Most doctors have been very supportive of the government restrictions on chewing gum.
Bubble gum clogs stomachs across the country A shocking report on the national gum crisis crisis.” He also responded that he would be instating strict national recalls and regulations for all chewing gum products, promising that by the summer of 2022 gum would be eradicated from stores.
Dr. Howard from Boston’s Children’s Hospital stated, “I’m relieved to see the country taking serious actions against this food item that has been proven to cause serious harm to youth, it’s critical that we protect the younger generation.”
Since the recalls, no more serious gum-related fatalities or impacts have been recorded, leading the nation to believe that the worst of the crisis has already passed. Educating individuals about the importance of a gum-free society is now at the forefront of most activist endeavors. ©Amazon Nicole Hardt is a sophomore biomedical science major from Apopka, Fla.
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12 the official COLLEGEUNION newspaper The Clocktower The Clocktower encourages reader feedback and strives to maintain accuracy. If you have comments, please email juliet.bromme@ucollege.edu or hannah.drewieck@ucollege.edu. The Clocktower, established in 1927 and sponsored by the Student Association of Union College, is published weekly during the fall and spring semesters. The opinions expressed are the opinions of the writers and are not to be construed as the opinion of the editors, Student Association, Union College, or the Seventh-day Adventist Church. 7 6 4 5 2 9 8 1 3 9 2 5 8 1 3 6 4 7 1 8 3 6 4 7 2 5 9 2 1 7 9 5 8 4 3 6 3 4 9 7 6 1 5 8 2 6 9 1 2 3 4 7 9 1 5 7 8 1 7 4 2 6 8 3 6 4 3 2 9 7 6 4 4 3 2 1 8 6 9 7 5https://www.puzzles.ca/sudoku/instagram:@uc.clocktower DISCLAIMER: Mocktower is the official annual April Fool’s issue. The articles are fabricated and intended for entertainment purposes only.