Officials feel confident that allowing students to carry firearms at all times will make campus safer for everyone.
As an additional safety measure, all of the cobblestone pavement around campus will be evened out or repaired to prevent accidents. “Otherwise we’d all be literally shooting ourselves in the foot,” Oakley said. “Think of it as a vaccination: If the solution to disease is more of the disease, then the solution to gun violence is more guns,” argued Oakley.
Cultural Impact
We can expect to see several changes to campus culture as the College provides incentives for bearing arms and students adjust to finally feeling safe. Incentives for carrying visible firearms include discount parking passes and permission to smoke cigarettes on campus once more. In addition, Clyde has changed his surname from “the Cougar” to “Chestnut Brown” to encourage students to embrace the changes with spirit. The student population itself is expected to change as
well. “This could be the magic fix to our woeful boy-girl ratio,” said admissions clerk Buddy Roosevelt. “Already we’re getting more applications from young men who care about exercising their second amendment rights.” Greek life on campus has fully embraced the new guidelines. “I won these babies at our charity raffle earlier,” said Dennis Truman of Pi Kappa Phi, posing like a cowboy with his new SIG P226’s, each with Clyde the Cougar’s face on the handle. Members of Kappa Alpha Theta were seen sanding and painting old shotguns rather than coolers for an upcoming event. “I don’t see how this could possibly go wrong, and I expect to see other campuses adopting similar policies in the future,” said a college official. *All words published by His Excellency, The Swamp Fox, are meant to be taken in jest.
A native of Hades and spawn of an Arabian Red Fox and an encyclopedia of Dark Arts, the Swamp Fox enjoys consuming the souls of the righteous, stealing pizza from the CisternYard office, and listening to trap music that always shakes the foundation of our building.
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