12
May 2013
Catalystmagazine.net
RELATIONSHIPS
Crowd-sourced advice for newlyweds What have you learned in your marriage— or wish you had known beforehand? BY JAYNE ANN BOUD AND LACEY KNIEP
A
llow us to introduce ourselves, Lacey Kniep and Jayne Ann Boud. We are University of Utah interns this semester at CATALYST. You may have noticed our work in the past few issues. Throughout this internship, we have learned about green living and cultural creativity in addition to learning all about the wonderful world of magazine writing
and production. Our experience has been absolutely wonderful! But there is something crucial we have yet to learn as this semester comes to a close. We are both getting married this month! To better prepare ourselves for this next step in life with our soon-to-be spouses, we asked our friends and CATALYST readers, both married and divorced, what they have learned
We divorced once but the divorce didn’t work! We married again on our anniversary so he didn’t have to remember two dates. I didn’t want to set him up to fail! I’ve learned that the only person you can change is yourself. Don’t try to change him. I’ve learned that no one is perfect. I’ve learned not to do anything so much or so often that it’s expected, only enough to be appreciated. Support your spouse’s dreams but don’t forget your own and don’t stop pursuing those dreams. Compromise is a great idea but it’s important to agree on the compromise. You can go to bed mad, contrary to popular belief. Sometimes it’s best to sleep on it rather than force an issue when there is fresh anger or hurt. It’s important to laugh often and forgive easily. Forgetting is a little harder but worth the effort. Don’t hold onto grudges. It only eats at you from the inside. It also gives others power over you. Own your feelings and your mistakes. There are many stages of love. Relationships cannot sustain that fiery passion every day. It will reignite during various times of your relationship. Love grows in many ways during good and bad times. It’s the small things that add up. Be considerate, be kind, be faithful, be honest, be playful, be patient, be yourself. And last but not least, I’ve learned that when the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, it’s time to water the lawn! Good luck to the brides and grooms. It’s not always been easy, but it has certainly been worth it. Debbie, married 39 years You’re a team; work together. You are both are human and individuals, so it is natural to be annoyed at times or mad with each other. Just remember that you are on the same side. Look after each other’s needs. Alison, married 15 years
in their marriages—or what they wish they had known beforehand. Thank you for sharing your insights and experiences with us!
photo Jennifer Leahy
Lacey Kniep and Jared Fitzgerald
Show more love when you least feel like it. Being upset doesn’t get you anywhere, but somehow service toward the very person you don’t feel kind toward will soften the hardest heart. Angela, 25, married 5 years Five years ago, our marriage was in pretty bad shape, and we couldn’t understand what we were doing wrong. We loved each other, but somehow our ability to communicate had atrophied, and things were going downhill. I [Grace] was in therapy, but it didn’t seem to be helping much. I think it was an act of desperation at the time, but we attended a party where I took a large dose of LSD and had what you might call a bad trip. It wasn’t fun, but in the middle of all the chaos I suddenly realized I could really see my husband… and that there was something terribly wrong that he had been hiding from me. Afterwards, I confronted him about it, and he admitted there had been some sexual abuse going on in his house when he was very young. He’d always had problems sustaining long-term relationships as an adult, and he thought that these things were related. We went into couples counseling. It has not always been an easy ride, but we have had a strong, loving, and trusting marriage now. After reading up on the therapeutic uses of MDMA and other psychedelics, we decided to integrate these experiences into our efforts to address our trauma and rebuild our relationship. Our therapist is skilled in pointing out the dynamics between us (both good and bad) but psychedelics have given us the ability to drop