March 2008
a monthly
Story On Page 25
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Editor’s Note
The Head Fool Speaks I no longer hate elevators. As a kid growing up in New York it was torturous having to ride 30, 40 or more floors to the sound of Muzak (pumped in, easy listening, brainless, no attention required noise) played on elevators. We used to laugh at the sterile non-offensive soft sounds that would accompany every ride. I can remember joking,“You’ll never hear the Stones or Pink Floyd here.” Was I ever wrong. I don’t quite know when it happened but it did. Last time I was in New York I had to take the elevator to the 39th floor of 500 Fifth Avenue. I was dreading the ride. I was pleased to hear a cut from Pink Floyd’s “Wish You Were Here” album. That is, happy till I heard this twelve- or thirteen-year-old brat—er, child—behind me turn to her friend, laughing, and pointing up to the speaker and saying “I hate elevators!” At least my grandsons think I’m KEWL! Enjoy!
P.S. Don’t Forget The Advertisers! Mike M. Head Fool mike@foolishtimes.net
Editorial Corrections Several readers pointed out the mistake on page 37 of last month’s issue. Please get in contact with us, as there are only 32 pages in the paper.
What the (bleep) is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pets, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers” and “artists” who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Submissions: We’re eager to read your stuff (see the Web site for back issues to get an idea of what we like). Just submit online to editor@foolishtimes.net. However, submissions must be received by the 15th of each month to be considered for the next publication. Snail-mailed submissions should contain provisions for the snail, and a SASE, otherwise it can’t be returned (stamps are thirty-nine cents, for Pete’s sake!). We offer no payment to contributors at this time (we’re saving to buy stamps).
A lot of people ask me what an editor does. If you find out, let me know. One thing I seem to do quite a bit of is welcome new columnists, and this month is no exception. Giosue’ Santarelli and Jason Offutt have agreed to join our staff, and we couldn’t be happier. Giosue’ is a prolific political columnist, humor columnist, and feature writer who has been scribbling for nearly 40 years. His story “Won’t You Be My Neighbor?” was our cover story for November 2007. Jason has graced us with his humor pieces at various times over the last two years, always to positive reviews from our readers. It’s a pleasure to be able to feature such talented writers on a monthly basis. It certainly makes my job as editor much easier. Speaking of which, I’d better get back to work. Now where’d I put that trombone? Mike T. Editorial Fool editor@foolishtimes.net
Table of Incompetence
So It Goes: Sperm Count ............................................. Page 4 “He’s Just Big-Boned!”................................................ Page 5 Sammon Says: Daughter and I ................................... Page 6 Pets! ............................................................................. Page 7 Local Man’s Idea to End Border Problem .................. Page 8 Tony’s Ticklers ............................................................. Page 9 Jason the Fool ........................................................... Page 10 Adventures with Rex ................................................ Page 11 Best of the Inbox ..................................................Page 12,19 The Expiration Date .................................................. Page 13 Fool-o-Scope ............................................................. Page 14 Word Search .............................................................. Page 20 Posing as Normal: Humble piPod ............................ Page 21 Will Fargo’s Bogus Advice ........................................ Page 22 The Fool Crossword Puzzle ...................................... Page 23 The Swimsuit Issue ................................................... Page 25 Fool Laughs ............................................................... Page 28 Ye Old Limerick Corner ............................................. Page 29
List of Fools
Head Fool ..................................................................................................... Mike M. Advertisers: For rate information, email Mike at mike@foolishtimes.net or call 831- Editorial Fool ................................................................................................. Mike T. 648-1038. For rat information, call your exterminator. Layout Fool ................................................................................ Jonathan Rogers Subscriptions: 1 year, $49.00. (That’s a mere $49.00 over the newsstand price. The Foolish Cover Artist ................................................................ Jonathan Rogers extra charge is to bribe someone to trek to the post office and lick all those stamps, and Foolish Contributors:
get a beer or three along the way.) Send check or money order made out to Foolish Times, P.O. Box 4046, Monterey, CA 93942. Allow 4-6 weeks for first delivery. No kidding. Tom Burns, Tony Deakin, Will Fargo, Sarah Flake, Robyn Justo, Jason Love, Jason Snails are slow, man. Offutt, Stephen L. Millich, John Sammon, Giosue’ Santarelli, Rosie Sorenson, Mary Website: www.foolishtimes.net. For best results, use a computer.
Tompsett, Ron de Tuna, the Third Man, the Unknown Cartoonist, Clair Voyant
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So It Goes
hold you responsible for his existential void.” So it goes.
by Jason Love, Syndicated Humor Columnist
Sperm Count wallpapered with naked bodies. Okay, anatomical charts, but any port in the storm. Klope is a handsome guy, some mad scientist superhero. He gets those wild eyes when he talks about reproduction.
Klope says that if my plumbing is bad, I could try “intrauterine insemination,” where the doctor removes sperm through the scrotum—gulp—and imbeds it in your partner, who goes on to have a child like anyone else, only with payments deserving of beachfront property. Not much you can do about price when they’ve got you by the— “What if I want more kids in the future?” I asked. “That’s the beauty,” said Klope. “You just bank the sperm, freeze ‘em till you need ‘em.”
Kind of gives new meaning to “self storage,” doesn’t it? I’m not sure that I could sleep at night while my unborn “It’s pretty incredible, the advances child freezes down the street. What if I wait too long to use the sperm and end we’re making in assisted hatching.” up having Eskimos? Didn’t I see that in “Alien”? Still, my buddies are plonking babies left and right using the traditional method—alcohol and begging. They pull up in their Dodge Caravan with Sponge Bob seat covers and I say,“That’s Tony, all right, but look at his face: the vaDue to technical difficulty, I scheduled cant eyes, the hunched back, protruding with Dr. Klope a sperm count. Talk about tongue. He’s definitely been domestitedious jobs. Can you see that poor guy cated.” over the microscope? While Tony plays peekaboo with his “1,634... 1,635... wait, did I count that baby, I have to think: “Is this the same one?” guy who used to find things on the floor and SMOKE them?” Dr. Klope had one opening, eight a.m., which is way too early for sperm. A man “He’s 8 pounds, 4 ounces,” said Tony in might wake up with driftwood on his his peekaboo face. Why do they always beach, but that doesn’t mean he’s ready give you the weight? What do you do to make a fire. It’s usually noon before I with that information? can swing a French kiss. “Wow, that’s great, Tony. And it’s a The male nurse led me down the hall, good thing you have that Baby on Board talking baseball, cumulus clouds, the sticker, because I was thinking about end of the world—anything but why rear-ending you.” I was there. He opened the bathroom Makes me wonder about my own majestically like Mr. Roarke and handed chances at dadhood. I mean, I retch at me a sterile cup (keyword: sterile). Turns out that people can even the smell of clean diapers. choose the gender of their child using “Good luck,” and off he went. “Microsort Technology.” This makes me Anyway, it’s all a moo point (point for nervous, because if Bill Gates is involved, In the early days, when I started my incows) till we hear from Dr. Klope. He we’ll end up with babies that crash once dependent research in this field, it didn’t should be finished any day now: “6,232... a week for no reason at all. take much. The cover of “National Geo6,233...” graphic” would do just fine. Now I need Maybe science is getting too involved Jason Love is an award-winaudio, visual, back story. with the uterus anyway. How long till ning humor columnist, stand-up we grow babies by the vine and choose In the interest of not being fired by comedian, and author of “Snaptheir gender and the vintage? this newspaper, we’ll just say that some shots: The Big Picture,” available at women lodge so deep in your libido Amazon.com. Check out more of Even sonograms are out of control... that they will always be there in case of his work at www.jasonlove.com. emergency. Giggity giggity. “Yes, Mr. Love, it’s a boy. He’s healthy and coming along just fine. He will enDr. Klope met me in a room that was joy sports and cold pizza but ultimately
“Turns out that people can even choose the gender of their child using “Microsort Technology.” This makes me nervous, because if Bill Gates is involved, we’ll end up with babies that crash once a week for no reason at all.”
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Because, until that happens, kiddo, it’s the old guillotine snap for you!
“He’s Just Big-Boned!” Tubby flew into our lives six weeks ago after my sweetheart, Steve, hung up the hummingbird feeder I’d purchased in 1990 but never bothered to put up on the deck.
Rosie Sorenson’s work has appeared in the San Francisco Chronicle, the Contra Costa Times, and the Berkeley Daily Planet. Her essays have also been broadcast on KQED-FM as part of its Perspectives series. Her essay “Safe By Rosie Sorenson Haven” was named Listener Favorite for 2006. She won Honorable Mention in the Erma Bombeck International Writing Contest. Her work also appears in the upcoming 25th Anniversary edition window just in time to catch a glimpse. of Mobius, the Poetry Journal. Readers can read more of her work at “But, that’s not Tubby,” I said when I www.damngoodwriters.com. saw the bird. “That one’s way too small to be Tubby.”
“Yes, it is, too, Tubby,” Steve said. “He’s Within an hour three hummers arjust lost his baby fat.” rived: Tubby, Susie, and Kevin. Tubby earned his politically incorrect name beI began to question Steve’s mental cause of his huge potbelly and because health until I stopped to consider how he easily dwarfed the others. much time and love he had invested in “Good Lord,” I said, when I first spotted his new-found friend. It made me think him.“How can he fly when he’s so fat? He about all the ways we shower love upon our animals, and how getting it back a needs to go to Weight Watchers.” hundred-fold helps us do the harder “No, he doesn’t,” Steve said. “He’s just stuff with humans. Where would we be without these gifts from God? big-boned.” Whenever we heard the hummers’ distinctive “tsk-tsk-tsk” we would run to the patio door. Most often it was Tubby dive-bombing the other two. The concept of sharing was lost on our chubby hummer. “I think he’s headed for a diabetic coma,” I said. After that, Steve no longer let me brew up their nectar. I think he was afraid I’d sweeten it with Splenda.
“I think he’s headed for a diabetic coma,” I said. After that, Steve no longer let me brew up their nectar. I think he was afraid I’d sweeten it with Splenda.”
For several weeks the hummers entertained us as Kevin and Susie worked hard to outsmart Tubby, who loved to sit Oops, gotta run—Steve’s calling. undisturbed on his perch at the feeder and drink his fill. Kevin would swoop “Tubby’s back.” down toward him, and as Tubby took RODENTS RULE! off for the chase, Susie would sneak in for a quick snack before Tubby returned. I read, with wide-eyed disbelief, this It was a lot like watching single-engine Cessnas give chase to a Boeing jet. One headline on Google:“Human embryonic day, however, we realized that we hadn’t stem cells can improve heart function in rats!” seen Tubby in awhile. I don’t know about you, but I’m sick “I told you he’d get too fat to fly,” I and tired of this new Me-Generation of said. rodents—it’s all about “me, me, me!” “No, he didn’t,” said Steve. “He’ll be Those sly little critters, working beback.” Several more days elapsed withhind the scenes to snatch our stem cells out a Tubby sighting, but then one morning Steve called for me to come to so they can munch all they want on the window. “Tubby’s back,” he said. By cheeseburgers without having to pay the time I got there, Tubby had flown the price—improve their heart function, away. This happened seven more times my ass! What about us humans? over the next three weeks, and each From now on, I say:“You want Humane time I was too late to see him. Traps, baby? Then, turn over YOUR stem cells—Aunt Rosie would like a little of “Are you sure it’s Tubby?” your speed and agility, your ability to breed without conscience, your sneaky, “Yes, it’s him, I know it’s him.” cheesy ways—how about sharing some On the next occasion I arrived at the of that, huh? Huh?”
FOOLISH THOUGHT Can you cry under water?
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March 2008
already have a low opinion of me, are eventually she’ll respect me. If I live long reading the article. Not only does it call enough. This makes it easier too. I think you should become a practic- me irresponsible and negligent, IT’S A In fairness, my daughter really does ing masochist if you want to experi- LOUSY PHOTO OF ME! love and value me. The other day she ence parenthood. It isn’t enough that Not involved? asked me what the word “recalcitrant” you worry yourself into an early grave means. If I was a village idiot, stumbling and less hair over your kid. You get told Something tells me this is a bit of a backwards in manure, would she ask me you’re everything from a moron to unstretch. such a thing? involved. In other words, I’m a parent.
S
ammon ays by John Sammon
Daughter and I
My daughter and I have your average father-teenage daughter relationship. She has total disdain for me. How did I manage to achieve this lofty distinction? I tried to be fair. That must be it. In other words, weak. I let my daughter get away with exchanges I wouldn’t have dared say to my own father. So I can be proud of the fact that violence and threats and ugliness and hypocritical double standards are not part of our household, like it was in mine when I was a kid.
I’m not involved. But I do need to beOf those two, I highly resent being come a masochist. If I can find a way called uninvolved. to enjoy being told I’m nothing, that I Case in point. She wants to take the know nothing despite fifty-eight years car and drive one of her friends to a of living. If I can find a way to enjoy this, play rehearsal. She’s not allowed by law I could walk up and say, “I need some to drive another teenager (you have to abuse. Could you lay it on me?” wait a year for that privilege). Her mothIn that case, she wouldn’t do it, just to er tells her she can’t, that it’s illegal. spite me. I say it’s illegal and she can’t, and I I look at supposedly stronger men like get told by my daughter, this doesn’t involve you. Sure, I’m only your father. my father, and Ward Cleaver from “Leave Remember me? I’m that guy who lives it to Beaver.” Men whose opinions were valued. Then, I look at myself. I must be a in the back room. weak, sniveling, craven worm. I’m not involved in the car? Hmmm! I found a way to deal with it. Rather Let’s see. The car is mine, I purchased it from a friend (what’s really amazing than running myself down or becoming is when my daughter makes the point a pervert by enjoying pain, I’ve come to that it’s my wife’s money alone that buys realize, I’m a brilliant writer, a rare artist who is not really cut out for mundane everything in the house). parenthood. This puts me above it.
“I got told how I’m illogical, unfair, selfish, insulting, stupid (she used a nicer word that means the same thing), negative, hypocritical, redundant, out of date, out of line, crossed the line, petty, autocratic, and irrational. In other words, I’m a parent.”
She never listens to any advice I give her. I can justify this in the knowledge that if I gave her advice and it turned out to be wrong, I would be made to look foolish. However, the sheer size of her dismissal of my intellect, such as it Where were we? Oh yes, the car. I is, is so immense as to be truly astonishfound it and bought it partly with my ing. wife’s (and my) money. The insurance For example, she only recently started on the car and the liability for it in case driving our car when she got her license. something happens is also mine. That’s terrifying enough. Her very first If my daughter drives the other kid solo drive without an adult she wanted to make after dark to a friend’s house, and gets hit and the other kid gets hurt, and I forbade it. I insisted she make her I can be sued by the other kid’s parents right down to my jockey shorts. first drive alone in daylight. I’m not involved? I got told how I’m illogical, unfair, selfish, insulting, stupid (she used a nicer I imagine an article on the front page word that means the same thing), negain our local newspaper under the headtive, hypocritical, redundant, out of date, ing, “Dead-Beat Dad Let Girls Drive Beout of line, crossed the line, petty, autofore Smash-up.” My neighbors, who cratic, and irrational.
Like most parents, I love my daughter with all my heart. She is a very talented, hard-working student and has a good and kind heart (despite putting me in my imagined place). I think there are two evils in a household, over-strict (domineering), like my house when I was a kid, and understrict, permissive, which can cause its own problems. I’ll tell you what, though, we’ve never crushed her spirit by dysfunctional yelling and pushing and slapping her into line. She has more confidence because of it. I’m proud of that. Parenting, as any parent knows, is a bittersweet experience. Like life. Given the choice, I would never miss being a parent. But don’t tell my daughter.
She’ll claim I don’t know what I’m talkMy wife tells me, you’re too late. It ing about. (parenthood) happened anyway. You can read more articles at: My wife tells me this is just a phase www.sammonsays.com my daughter is going through and that
The Unknown Cartoonist
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March 2008
Pets!
By Giosue’ Santarelli What is the fascination of children to- times can one parent say no to such a normal household pet? The older memward pets? bers of the family try the logical apGI Joe and Barbie are good enough proach.“It’ll be good as a watchdog, and to hold the average scurrying rug-rat, make mom feel safe.” However, when but only for a few years. Invariably the you end up with a dog that has a highsubject of having a pet arises. You can pitched yap instead of a deep-throated run but can’t hide! Having a pet is ap- baritone growling bark, that benefit flies parently a prerequisite to becoming an out window. adolescent! It is accompanied by that As I think back on my childhood I’m whiney, grating, noisy, flopping up and hearing the same arguments I heaped down, thrashing on the ground, holding one’s breath until you get what you want on my poor parents. My kids are trying them out on me. “I’ll take care of it! I’ll scene, and that’s just me protesting! feed it! I’ll walk it. I’ll clean up after it!” To Oh yeah, this is the same behavior this day when I review the family scrapyoungsters have in the pet store in an book I always come across that picture effort to persuade you that having a pet of my father with a pooper scooper in is a good idea! his hand, and he is not smiling! Children take as much care of the animal on the Pets come in all shapes and sizes, but lowest rung of the family ladder as they it’s usually the big ones they want first. would a brother or sister. Good heavens, My daughter’s first request was for a pet that would be considered animal cruelephant. If I remember correctly, I think elty! “peanut” was her first spoken word. It didn’t help that my wife is a fancier of Having a pet is like perpetually having such humongous, largely overweight an infant in your care. They can’t feed animals. That’s why I’m the apple of her themselves. There are particular needs eye! She likes elephants too. This ele- when cleaning up after them. They tend phant desire was not easily squelched in to chew on everything and create quite a our house because of the often-watched mess of your shoes when they are growepisode of “The Simpsons” where Bart ing (and that’s just the kids). You can’t wins a pachyderm in a radio station con- leave the house or leave town without test. “No, honey,” we’d tell the youngster, “special arrangements” or taking Fifi on “that’s just a cartoon! Elephants belong vacation with you! The idea of spending in the circus or the Republican party.” 2,500 miles of highway time with a lapCome to think of it, isn’t that the same sitting Pekingese, their tongue flapping thing? in my face from its necessity to stick its neck out the driver’s side window, isn’t When I was a kid I wanted a dolphin. I overly appealing! figured all you needed in the back yard was a pool and some kind of water-tight Man’s best friend? My family lineage truck to carry it up the highway from consists of a long line of postal workers, Sea World. Can you imagine the rear end utility company employees, and various of such a vehicle swaying as it drove up assorted other entities which required a the highway? As a kid I could actually work uniform. There’s nothing a watch visualize it. dog likes more than to sink his teeth into the soft part of your tush when you Another clarion call was for my very wear one of those coordinated ensemown horse. Not such a big deal if you bles. It’s like waving a red flag at a bull. live on a farm or a place with a lot of land. We, however, lived on a postageI never knew that postcards could stamp-sized lot barely big enough for fly until I saw them do just that out of the house that sat upon it. Neverthe- a postman’s mail pouch. He was doing less, it didn’t stop the year-long nagging the 25-yard dash and high-jump out of I put upon my parents. It wasn’t until I a neighbor’s yard. Postmen have to be realized that they had invested heavily very athletic, or get used to spending in the earplug market that I gave up the time lying on their stomach as the famghost on that idea. ily physician sews their wound in the shape of the Liberty Bell. If you know a Kids are funny, but they grow up, and postal delivery worker you can bet there then the real pressure for a less wacky is a bell on their butt! domesticated animal comes into focus. The dog is a prime example. How many Much has been made of being a “cat
7
person” versus being a “dog person.” These pet owners fancy their animals as extensions of their own personalities. I know more people who are dogs than are cats, I can tell you, and usually they are men! Some pet owners are merely confused folks because they treat “Fido” or “Twinkie” like they are the people of the house. There are complete pet wardrobes including sweaters, pants, and accessories (diamond-studded jewelry). My favorites are pet eye glasses and dental braces.
fessors somewhere who needs to have their heads examined!
Dr.: I know you were the seventh in a litter that had a mother who could only service six at a time, but that doesn’t mean you should be pooping in your neighbor’s front yard!
Our beautiful little home will forever have a keepsake on the mantle over the fireplace, in the living room. The family portrait will display us all together, including me, with a special look on my face, and a pooper scooper in my hand!
Alas, no matter how much my objection, the tide eventually will turn against me. Since I want to be remembered as a dad who was a kind, soft-hearted, loving, gracious, father, instead of my true identity, eventually I know I will lose this battle. Mind you, I could go a whole lifetime without knocking the pet bowl of water all over the kitchen floor, and still live a fulfilled, satisfying life. I’ll be the one who has to clean that up too, I’m Not to be outdone there are equally sure. However, I’ll be overrun in the famdelusional individuals practicing pet ily’s zeal to add another mouth to feed psychiatry! I can hear the conversation to our household one way or the other. I can see how this will all end. now:
Dog: I know it, Doc, but sometimes I can’t help myself. I think I’m addicted to a swat on the nose from a rolled-up newspaper! Doggie psychiatrists are sure to confuse a pup. “How will I ever get him to stay off of the couch at home if the doctor requires him on it in his office?” Exactly what university in this country educates veterinarians and qualifies them as shrinks? There is a group of pro-
Giosue’ Santarelli is a prolific political columnist, humor columnist, and feature writer who has been scribbling for nearly 40 years. Visit his humor column website “The Devil’s Advocate” at www. devilsadvocate111.blogspot.com.
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Editor’s note: We at Foolish Times were “fortunate” to have an interview with local mild-mannered gadfly Tom Burns. Previous interviews with Mr. Burns have been taxing to say the least. Once more, he did not let us down. This interview was held on the rocks at Lover’s Point in Pacific Grove. Mr. Burns was wearing a ground squirrel costume. Brace yourself. FT: Mr. Burns, we understand you have come up with what you consider to be an end to the border problem. TB: Have you ever wondered how many Fuji apples will fit into a V.W. bus? FT: Is this a trick question?
TB: Well, first of all, for the U.S. to build a wall, it would cost billions. And with EIR reports and the ACLU, it would take a hundred years. Lawsuits, cost overruns, Britney Spears . . .
over. Drive-through diet. Dysfunctional health care. High taxes. Government waste. Jerry Springer. Pedophile priests. GEICO gecko commercials. Hot Pockets. Mullets. Rap music. Tofu. Section D of Medicare. Political promises. InfomerFT: What has Britney Spears got to do cials. The low quality of our TV programs with this? will make Mexican soap operas look like Shakespeare. And . . . TB: She’s part of the plan. FT: Britney Spears. FT: Please, sir. I’ve got to catch the 5:15 bus to Bakersfield. Get to the point. TB: Bingo. Mexico will be so repulsed What’s your plan? by the violation of their good country, THEY will build a wall to keep US out. TB: Every citizen gets $10,000 in Mexican pesos. It will have to be spent in Mexico. Millions of Americans will invade Mexico to spend their money. SecTB: Very well. Yes, I have a plan which ond homes and condos. As we integrate will cost very little to end the border into their culture, we’ll bring our own problem. That is, the U.S.-Mexican borculture. der, not the U.S.-Canadian border. I have no idea how to resolve the U.S.-CanaFT: So far this makes sense. And frankly dian border problem. It’s too big a chal- Mr. Burns, that worries me. lenge for even a man of my comprehen“Electile Dysfuncsive insight and brilliance. TB: If I weren’t so refined, I would slap tion”: the inability to you silly and scratch your eyes for that FT: We have a problem at the Cana- snide remark. become aroused over dian border? any of the choices for FT: Sorry. My bad. Continue. president put forth TB: Maple syrup smuggling. “Dateline” is working on a big undercover special. by either party in the TB: Soon, Mexico will be exposed to Hidden cameras. Smeared-out faces. reality TV. 870 Starbucks per square 2008 election year. Voice distortion. mile. IRS involvement. Super delegates. 24-hour cable news shows airing only FT: I, I, I had no idea. five minutes of news over and over and
Local Man’s Idea to End Border Problem DATELINE—Monterey, CA
March 2008
FOOLISH THOUGHT
TB: The C.I.A. is in on it, too. No one’s talking about it. Yet.
TB: No, I was just curious. Thought you may know. I think a lot about things like FT: Well this sounds like another interthat. view with you, eh?
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FT: That explains many things. No, sir, I TB: Was the “eh?” a reference to Canahave no idea. dian dialect? Your trolley’s jumping the tracks, my good man. That’s always been TB: Fuji carrots? my job, remember? FT: Dear God in Heaven.
FT: Sorry. Proceed.
TB: I’ve asked Him already. No reply. FT: Mr. Burns. If we are going to have liftoff on this interview, I must insist that you cease this nonsensical diversion.
TB: I propose that Mexico will be eager to build a wall. FT: One would ask why.
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March 2008
Tony’s Ticklers
“by Tony Deakin of The Crown & Anchor Pub (Franklin Street’s Favorite Pub)”
Golf Is Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer. Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up.You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks. Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls. If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip: your life is in trouble. Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot. The term “mulligan” is really a contraction of the phrase “maul it again.” A “gimme” can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ... neither of whom can putt very well. An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse. Golf’s a hard game to figure. One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps, and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink. If your best shots are the practice swing and the “gimme putt,” you might wish to reconsider this game. Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you. Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work; and both are expensive. The best wood in most amateurs’ bags is the pencil.
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Uh-huh, you, too.
Jason the Fool I brought home a half-gallon of ice cream from the grocery store. The list from my wife read, “four bananas.” Period. No milk, no eggs, no ice cream. Just bananas. Normally, to me four bananas means four bananas, but I didn’t write the note. My wife wrote it and I was sure ice cream was hiding in there somewhere. “Smoked Almond Cranberry DoubleMocha Cheesecake Surprise Limited Edition. That must have been what my wife meant by ‘four bananas’,” I thought as I grabbed the Smoked Almond Cranberry Double-Mocha Cheesecake Surprise Limited Edition from the freezer. “Boy, is she going to be happy.” Guys, whenever you think something you do is going to make any woman in your life happy, you’re wrong. Just go for making them indifferent—you’ll be better off. “Ice cream?” she said as I handed her the grocery bag with the carton and four bananas. “All we needed were bananas. You want me to get fat, don’t you?” Guys, we may have been smart enough to write most of the major scientific laws that govern the universe, but that’s where our brains end. How often do those laws actually work in a relationship? Never. For example, Occam’s razor is the guyest of the science rules. “All other things being equal, the simplest solution is the best.” The simplest solution. Sure, this works when you’re trying to solve a Scooby-Doo mystery, but it doesn’t work when you forget your girlfriend’s birthday.
Girlfriend: Why didn’t you pass them?
Needy girlfriend: Then can I come over You: Uh, there were bikers and cops. and see you right now? I mean, right And did I mention bikers? now. We can rent “Love Actually.” I’ll Girlfriend: Then why didn’t you bring some popcorn and you can help speed? me do my toenails and…
You: I would have had to go like 250 You (realizing your beer’s empty and miles per hour in a Ford Focus. That’s not the refrigerator’s all the way across the By Jason Offutt room): Yeah, sorry, but I’ve got this proj- pos— ect due tomorrow. Girlfriend (while slamming the door in your face): You never loved me. Needy girlfriend (trailing off as you drop the phone on the couch and cover Most relationships eventually end up it with a pillow): I’m not wearing underYou: Huh? Fat? No, I... where they began—the Big Bang Theowear… ry. According to the Big Bang, everything Girlfriend: You’re cheating on me? The best thing you can do is move in the universe started in a hot, dense You (soon to understand the simplest across town/country. Remember, the state and then expanded. After being greater the distance, the lesser the together a few years, she calls this your solution was to fake amnesia): What? belly, you call it her thighs. Can’t you two pull—no matter how dense they are. even try to get along? Girlfriend: She’s blonde, right? If you stopped ten people on the And I bet you’re wondering what hapYou: Blonde? No… street and asked them to name a universal law of physics, Einstein’s theory pened with the Smoked Almond CranGirlfriend: No? Well, I bet you remem- of relativity will get a little love. Unfor- berry Double-Mocha Cheesecake Surbered her skinny little brunette birthday, tunately, you won’t. This theory, which prise Limited Edition. didn’t you? states that the laws of physics are the My wife was so mad she ate it anysame in all frames of reference, means And it doesn’t get any better. way. about as much to your girlfriend as your apology when you’re late. Jason’s book of ghost stories, “Haunt-
“Guys, whenever you think something you do is going to make any woman in your life happy, you’re wrong. Just go for making them indifferent— you’ll be better off.”
Girlfriend: You were supposed to be ed Missouri: A Ghostly Guide to the Show-Me State’s Most Spirited Spots,” is here twenty minutes ago. available from amazon.com, barnesandYou: Sorry, I got caught behind a biker noble.com or tsup.truman.edu. Visit Jason’s Web site, www.jasonoffutt.com, for funeral procession.
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The law of universal gravitation governs stars, planetary bodies, and really needy girls. Part 1: “Every object in the universe exerts an attractive force on every other object in the universe.” You’re OK so far. That’s what brought you two wacky kids together; you have a great sense of humor and a killer smile and she shows lots of cleavage.
Part 2: Here’s where the trouble starts. “The heavier the object, the greater the Girlfriend: My birthday was yesterday. pull; the greater the distance, the lesser the pull.” Which is why relationships You (offering the simplest solution): with needy girls don’t work—they’re inOh, I’m sorry, honey. I forgot. finitely denser than non-needy chicks. Girlfriend: You didn’t forget. You don’t Needy girlfriend (over the telephone love me. while staring longingly at a picture of you): I miss you, my little pooky-wooky You: Of course I do, I just... bear. Girlfriend: You think I’m fat.
March 2008
You (over the telephone watching TV and cringing at the sound of her voice):
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March 2008
houses, stashed away under a joist, waiting to sink their poisonous fangs into an arm or leg. (Or worse.) Once, a friend had crawled under his house and did a nasty tango with a raccoon. He confided that the raccoon had been victorious in the vicious mêlée, and wished he had worn Pampers, if you get my drift.
Adventures With Rex By Tom Burns A few years ago I picked up Rex at the dog pound. He’s a small black Dachshund, and my life hasn’t been the same since. If Rex were the RoadRunner, I would be Wile E. Coyote. If Rex were Stan Laurel, I would be Oliver Hardy. I can never win . . . I can never win.
REX TIN TIN Once again, procrastination had prevailed. The living room portion of the heater flex-duct under my house had probably collapsed, as I had no heat from the living room floor vent all winter. I hadn’t wanted to crawl under the house in the bitter cold weather, and now that Spring was ready to spring, it was warm enough to go under the house, but I didn’t need the heater anymore. Gee, that was a long sentence, but I wanted to get it all out. “Rex, want to keep me company while I crawl under the house? You can carry the duct tape. May be a Costco pizza in it for you if you don’t slobber all over the tape.” Rex pondered my proposal. “Well, think it over while I get my torn, ratty jeans on. Oops, that’s the only kind of jeans I have, come to think of it. Maybe Mervyn’s will have a sale before these fall off me. I like the stone-washed style, personally.” My companion ignored my banal chitter-chatter.
I shined my light back and forth as I shimmied on the dirt, looking for trouble. Rex trotted along beside me totally unconcerned, as he had plenty of headroom, and he had never had an altercation with anything worse that the Hernadez’s cat. There it was: the collapsed flex duct. Of course it was just beyond the cast iron toilet drainpipe and the six or seven miles of TV cable that the last installer had left as a monument to corporate
“I lost track of time. This is how I was going to die, I thought. Under my house. I’m dying while my dog is romping the neighborhood with his English sheepdog girlfriend. All the work I have done in my life, poof. All the good deeds I’ve done in my life, poof. All the beer in the fridge, poof.”
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speak, trying to unhook my torn jeans from an errant nail or dangling spider fang. The reverse move resulted in my keen awareness that the nail was sharp and my butt skin had been pieced by something that hurt like hell. Rex came over to me, dutifully still holding the tape in mouth. “Rex . . . I’m stuck.” He was more concerned with the cobweb he had just wandered into. “Cute, Rex. You’re masquerading in a seethrough berka, and I’m stuck under the house.” I startled to wiggle, which only made the state of affairs worse. Indeed, I was stuck. After a while, the severity of the situation sunk in. I really was stuck. Yelling for help wouldn’t help. My neighbor, Kate (Millie’s “mom”), was gone for the weekend, the neighbor on the other side of me was deaf as a post, and the people across the street didn’t like me—they accused me of stealing their two dozen fluorescent pink lawn flamingoes. To this day I vehemently deny any involvement. (I loaded them in my trunk one night and hauled them off to the dump the next day. Alcohol was involved.) I turned to my last hope. Well, tried to turn to him, but as I was trapped, all I could do was turn my head. “Rex, you love me, don’t you?” I wiped the cobweb away from his face; it was giving me the willies. He dropped the duct tape from his mouth, indicating he was paying attention. “Rex, you’ve got to go for help. Go. Go . . . get . . . help. Put your walnut-sized brain into high gear and try to keep up with me here. Go . . . get . . . help. You’ve watched Lassie and Rin Tin Tin go get help on those horrid black and white reruns. Now it’s your turn. Help. Help me, little buddy. Go get help.”
tention. Go . . . get . . . help. Pretend I’m Timmy stuck in the well, and you’re Lassie. Remember that one, Rexy? Lassie went for help. Lassie saved Timmy. Now you can save me. You’re Rin Tin Tin for the day. Go. Shoo.” He actually left! My God. I couldn’t believe it! A while passed and I looked up to see Rex and Millie peering through the foundation vents at me. “Rex, I had paramedics in mind. Jaws of Life; not your girlfriend. Go . . . get . . . help.” The two left, probably to look for fresh cat turds or plow through Mrs. Harrington’s flower beds again. I lost track of time. This is how I was going to die, I thought. Under my house. I’m dying while my dog is romping the neighborhood with his English sheepdog girlfriend. All the work I have done in my life, poof. All the good deeds I’ve done in my life, poof. All the beer in the fridge, poof. And Kate, my neighbor. I have never told her I’ve been in love with her since she moved in. I’ll go to my grave with unpronounced love for Kate. She’ll never know it was I who sent those flowers on her birthday every year. She’ll never know it was I who sent the singing telegrams every Valentine’s Day. She’ll never know it was I who snatched the turquoise thong from her clothesline. (Aren’t you proud of my using “I” instead of “me”?) I had resigned myself to meeting the Grim Reaper as I lay hung up on a nail under my floor joists, wedged tightly between a rusty toilet drainpipe and the floor above me. And then, and then, the faint sounds of sirens stirred me from the sorrow of the uneventful life I have led.
They grew louder and stopped in front I felt I had been using too many words, of my house. DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN! I and the concepts were causing a canine LOVE MY DOG!!! waste. The spot was going to be tight. I brain overload. He moved over next to couldn’t decide whether to make my as- my face and licked it. “Yes, I love you too. sault over or under the drainpipe. Both We can play kissy face later, Rex. Pay atroutes would be challenging. I finally decided to work my way over the pipe. It would prove to be a bad decision.
“Rex, how you doing? Bark once if you see a brown recluse, and twice if it’s a raccoon.” Rex’s limited vocabulary didn’t allow for complicated constructs such as “brown recluse spider” or “raccoon.” His language skills halted just past “Costco “I’ll grab the flashlight, you’ve got the pizza,”“Millie,” and “ice cream.” I wish my duct tape—we’re set,” I had said to him world worked as well as his. just before we worked our way through The tearing of the jeans was the first the crawlspace opening. foreshadowing of the trouble that lay To be frank, or even carl or bill, I hate ahead. Draped over the toilet drainpipe, I going under my house. I have heard of noticed my forward motion had abruptbrown recluse spiders lurking under ly ceased. I “threw ‘er into reverse,” so to “Okay. Costco pizza with a big scoop of pistachio ice cream on it. Deal?” Rex twirled with excitement. That dog does love his ice cream. His wagging tail indicated he had signed on as my helper.
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26. “If you stand close enough to him, trial water heater. This $20,000 piece of you can hear the ocean.” equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful tempera27. “It’s hard to believe he beat out ture. 1,000,000 other sperm.” It then pumps it down to the diver 28. “One neuron short of a synapse.” through a garden hose, which is taped 29. “Some drink from the fountain of to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several knowledge; he only gargles.” times with no complaints. 30. “Takes him 2 hours to watch ‘60 A virtual smorgasbord What I do, when I get to the bottom of jokes and otherwise Minutes’.” and start working, is take the hose and funny stories e-mailed 31.“The wheel is turning, but the ham- stuff it down the back of my wet suit. to Foolish Times. ster is dead.” This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.
I LOVE MY JOB
12. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a Next time you have a bad day at work These are actual quotes taken from carrier.” think of this guy. Federal Government employee performance evaluations. 13. “I would like to go hunting with Rob is a commercial saturation diver him sometime.” for Global Divers in Louisiana. 1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has start14. “He’s been working with glue too He performs underwater repairs on ed to dig.” much.” offshore drilling rigs. 2. “I would not allow this employee to breed.” 3.“This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t-be.” 4. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.” 5. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.” 6. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.” 7.“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.” 8.“This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.” 9. “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.” 10. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.” 11. “A gross ignoramus—144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
March 2008
15. “He would argue with a signpost.”
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 The hot water machine had sucked 16.“He brings a lot of joy whenever he on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who up a jellyfish and pumped it into my leaves the room.” was sponsoring a worst job experience suit. Now, since I don’t have any hair on contest. my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it. 17.“When his IQ reaches 50, he should However, the crack of my butt was not sell.” Needless to say, she won. as fortunate. 18. “If you see two people talking and Hi Sue, When I scratched what I thought was one looks bored, he’s the other one.” an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyJust another note from your bottomfish into the crack of my butt. 19. “A photographic memory but with dwelling brother. the lens cover glued on.” I informed the dive supervisor of my Last week I had a bad day at the office. 20. “A prime candidate for natural de- I know you’ve been feeling down lately dilemma over the communicator. His selection.” at work, so I thought I would share my instructions were unclear due to the dilemma with you to make you realize fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. 21. “Donated his brain to science be- it’s not so bad after all. fore he was done using it.” Needless to say I aborted the dive. I Before I can tell you what happened 22. “Gates are down, the lights are to me, I first must bore you with a few was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling flashing, but the train isn’t coming.” technicalities of my job. thirty-five minutes before I could reach 23. “He’s got two brains cells—one is As you know, my office lies at the bot- the surface to begin my chamber dry lost and the other is out looking for it.” tom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. decompression. 24. “If he were any more stupid, he’d It’s a wet suit. This time of year the waWhen I arrived at the surface, I was ter is quite cool. So what we do to keep have to be watered twice a week.” warm is this: Continued On Page 19 25. “If you give him a penny for his We have a diesel-powered industhoughts, you’d get change.”
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March 2008
The
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Robyn Justo is a freelance writer who with him, shower with him, dance with him, and grow old with him. (I can feel is living, breathing, and learning the new rules of dating over 40. Experienced, but the scales tipping now.) by no means an expert, she shares the I take a deep breath as I think of the frustrations, triumphs, and general hyslast few reasons. I can feel loved and ac- teria of single life on the Monterey Pencepted and always look forward to our insula. “The Expiration Date” addresses time together. the lighter side of dating later in life. The names have been changed to protect That about does it. I think it’s time to the innocent (and the guilty). Robyn also shave my legs again. occasionally hosts local social events for those brave-hearted single folks who By Robyn Justo actually have the courage to come out of the house. Copyright 2008 Robyn Justo
Expiration Date Tipping the Scales
I don’t watch Oprah, but someone gut-wrenching lows. So I have peace. sent me a video clip from one of her I’m up to sixteen reasons that I enjoy shows. Every once in a while we get being single, so I’m starting to see the hit by a lightning bolt and I guess I got point to all of this, and I’m wondering if lucky that day. I can tip the scales in my favor with my Her guest (and I forgot his name) was talking about relationships and suggested that one of the reasons why we single folks don’t have a partner is perhaps because our reasons for staying single outweigh our need for being coupled. This seemed to strike a nerve, so I got out my pen and paper and started writing, hoping to disprove this theory. First, I started my list of benefits of being a single gal and was amazed at how many I actually had.
“I’m up to sixteen reasons that I enjoy being single, so I’m starting to see the point to all of this, and I’m wondering if I can tip the scales in my favor with my reasons for wanting a relationship.”
I do as I please and have all the freedom in the world. My time is my own (and so is my money). I don’t have to shave my legs that often. I don’t have to cook for anyone but me. I can go on vacation at the spur of the moment. I reasons for wanting a relationship. can choose the men I want to date. And there is a lack of boredom (sometimes). List number two. I started with the big one. Sex. I like to talk, so conversaI can get up in the middle of the night tion is important. And it’s nice to have and eat peanut butter out of the jar or someone to depend on during tough watch a “Law and Order” marathon. I can times. There is an expansion of activity stay in bed till noon without worrying. I and also of family. There are good times can make a mess and no one will criticize to share and more laughter (my guy will me. My house can be decorated any way have to have a sense of humor to put that I want. If I want forty-five Buddha up with me). Vacations are more enjoystatues to remind me to be calm, there able with a partner and it’s nice to have is no one looking over their glasses in someone with whom daily expenses are disdain. (I did notice that I was starting shared. (I did realize that I was also cato sound like a spoiled brat around this pable of enjoying money and vacations time, but I continued on with the experi- solo as mentioned above. Ah, the female ment anyway.) enigma.) I can take all the room in the closet It’s also great to have that safe haven and I can put those funny curlers in my of a best friend and lover. There is a feelhair that makes me look like I’m getting ing of belonging to something and a radio reception from outer space. Or I sense of communion, a sense of safety can look like Pebbles and wear my flan- and a healthy interdependence. nel pajamas. I don’t need to use the heater that I don’t experience jealousy or the much when I have a man because I can emotional roller coaster ride that some- put my cold feet on him. I can grocery times accompanies a relationship. Sure, shop with him, cook with him, wrestle there aren’t the highs, but I avoid those
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Why cats don’t play baseball.
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by Clair Voyant
March birthdays Your birthday this month can only be described as March Madness, a twenty-day birthday celebration that begins in March and ends sometime in April. ARIES (3/21-4/19): For you, March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. This means you behave like you’re the king of the jungle, your tail ends in a hairy tuft, and you have inexplicable midnight cravings for large mammals like buffalo wings, followed by licking, purring, and resting for twenty hours a day in early March, whereas late March finds you in need of a good shearing. TAURUS (4/20-5/20): Green is the color of St. Patrick’s Day, perhaps because it takes place just a few days before the first day of spring. Perhaps because of shamrocks. Perhaps because green is a color of the Irish flag. Or perhaps because green is the color of your face after drinking green beer during a three-day St. Patrick’s Day celebration. GEMINI (5/21-6/21): Your lively imagination, gift for gab, and touch of paranoia lead you to campaign for the presidency this month. You will be elected as president of your homeowner’s association for your wit. You will then promptly be fired for your overly enthusiastic, yet unsuccessful, roll-out of the Bulgarian March tradition of wearing a martenitsa (red and white tassels) until a stork is seen in the neighborhood. CANCER (6/22-7/22): You might be too obsessed about the past if you celebrate every March 28, the day Nathaniel Briggs of New Hampshire patented the washing machine, by dragging your family on a vacation to a laundromat in Concord. LEO (7/23-8/22): I realize that on St. Patrick’s Day, some cities dye rivers or city fountains green. But your creativity might not be appreciated by your coworkers when you dye the water in the toilets and drinking fountains green.
VIRGO (8/23-9/22): Leprechauns are little shoemakers for the fairies that live in Ireland. If you catch one, he’ll tell you where he hides his gold. And if people believe that, you should have no problem selling them copies of the Foolish Times for $5.00 a paper. LIBRA (9/23-10/22): You may know that March in the Northern Hemisphere is the seasonal equivalent to September in the Southern Hemisphere. If you also know that salt in the Northern Hemisphere is the seasonal equivalent to pepper in the Southern Hemisphere, you’re ready to compete on the Iron Chef.
Spot The Differences!
At a glance, these two photos look alike. However, the one on the bottom has been subtly altered using sophisticated, high-tech computer software. Can you spot the differences? Answers on page 33!
Photo 1
SCORPIO (10/23-11/21): Ash Wednesday is the first day of Lentils. By the end of this month, however, you will be sick of lentils and will crave some variety like, say, garbanzo beans. SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21): Stop waiting by the door for the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Prize Patrol van to turn in your driveway so you can quit your job. If they didn’t show up in February, you aren’t a winner, no matter how many useless gadgets you bought to “not influence your odds of winning.” CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19): This month, coworkers accuse you of being indifferent, rigid, and unfriendly, and complain to your boss because you’re not being a team player. But you don’t have to wear green on St. Patrick’s Day if you don’t want to. AQUARIUS (1/20-2/18) Folklore has it that St. Patrick ran all of the snakes out of Ireland, even though snakes were not native to Ireland. You might want to follow your head this month instead of your heart, however, and think before you start a “Save the Irish Snakes” nonprofit organization. PISCES (2/19-3/20) While rooting for the underdog this month, you learn that you can’t have joy without sorrow or happiness without suffering. When your team wins the basketball championship against all odds, it’s too bad you only bet your pal a dollar.
March 2008
Photo 2
March 2008
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March 2008
March 2008 “Best of The Inbox” Continued from Page 12 wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, “I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.” Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day? May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!
THE BANANA TEST
There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are four animals: King Kong, an Ape, an Orangutan, and a Monkey pass by. They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree. Who do you guess will win? Your answer will reflect your personality. Think carefully. Try and answer within 30 seconds. Got your answer? If your answer is: Orangutan = you’re dull and normal Ape = you’re a moron Monkey = worse, you’re an idiot King Kong = you’re hopelessly stupid Why????? A COCONUT TREE DOESN’T HAVE BANANAS! Obviously you’re stressed and overworked. Take some time off and relax! Gotcha!
PRAISE The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
www.foolishtimes.net completely crushed. The pain was ex- inquired as to what she was doing, she cruciating and the doctors didn’t know said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card if they could help him.” number, so she was using the ATM You could hear an audible gasp from “thingy.” the men in the congregation as they FOUR. I recently saw a distraught imagined the pain that poor Jim expeyoung lady weeping beside her car. rienced. “Do you need some help?” I asked. She She continued, “Jim was unable to replied, “I knew I should have replaced hold me or the children and every move the battery to this remote door unlockcaused him terrible pain. We prayed as er. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you the doctors performed a delicate opera- think they (pointing to a distant convetion. They were able to piece together nience store) would have a battery to the crushed remnants of Jim’s scrotum fit this?” “Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have and wrap wire around it to hold it in an alarm, too?” I asked. “No, just this remote thingy,” she answered, handing place.” it and the car keys to me. As I took the Again, the men in the congregation key and manually unlocked the door, I squirmed uncomfortably as they imag- replied, “Why don’t you drive over there ined the horrible surgery performed on and check about the batteries. It’s a long walk.” Jim. FIVE. Several years ago, we had an inShe continued, “Now, Jim is out of the tern who was none too swift. One day hospital and the doctors say, with time, she was typing and turned to a secretary his scrotum should recover complete- and said,“I’m almost out of typing paper. ly.” What do I do?” “Just use copier machine paper,” the secretary told her. With that, All the men sighed with relief. the intern took her last remaining blank The pastor rose and tentatively asked piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five “blank” copif anyone else had anything to say. ies. A man rose and walked to the podiSIX. I was in a car dealership a while um. ago, when a large motor home was He said, “I’m Jim and I want to tell my towed into the garage. The front of the wife, ONCE AGAIN, the word is STER- vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an NUM.” extra in “Twister.” I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that HOW DO THEY SURVIVE? the driver had set the “cruise control” and then went in the back to make a Worse yet, THEY VOTE!!! sandwich. ONE. Recently, when I went to McDonSEVEN. My neighbor works in the opald’s, I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9, or 12 Chicken Mc- erations department in the central ofNuggets. I asked for a half-dozen nug- fice of a large bank. Employees in the gets. “We don’t have half-dozen nug- field call him when they have problems gets,” said the teenager at the counter. with their computers. One night he “You don’t?” I replied. “We only have six, got a call from a woman in one of the nine, or twelve,” was the reply. “So I can’t branch banks who had this question: order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can “I’ve got smoke coming from the back order six?” “That’s right.” So I shook my of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?” head and ordered six McNuggets. TWO. I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those “dividers” that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the “divider,” looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, “Do you know how much this is?” I said to her “I’ve changed my mind, I don’t think I’ll buy that today.” She said “OK,” and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
A lady stood and walked to the poTHREE. A lady at work was seen putdium. She said, “I have a praise. Two ting a credit card into her floppy drive months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was and pulling it out very quickly. When I
EIGHT. Police in Radnor, Pa. interro-
19 gated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message “He’s lying” was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn’t telling the truth. Believing the “lie detector” was working, the suspect confessed. NINE. A mother calls 911, very worried, asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room because the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine. The mother says, “I just gave him some ant killer.” Dispatcher: “Rush him in to emergency room!” Life is tough; it’s tougher if you’re stupid.
Fool’s Quote “When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap.” -
Cynthia Heimel
FOOLISH THOUGHT How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
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Word Search Luck of the Irish!
E S U S T K V C D M J X B Y P
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Take a Moment Out and Help an Old Fool
JAMESONS JOYCE LEPRECHAUN PATRICK POTATO RAINBOW SHAMROCK SHANNON YEATS
BLARNEY BUSHMILLS CELTIC CLADDAGH DONEGAL DRUNKENNESS FAMINE GAELIC GALWAY GUINNESS IMMIGRATION
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ANSWERS CAN BE FOUND ON PAGE 22
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March 2008
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March 2008
Posing As Normal By Mary Tompsett
Humble piPod
21
at the phone while pout-flirting with a boy in line. In the time it took to imagine kicking her butt in Latin verb conjugations, she murmured, “Done.” Okay, everyone out of the pool! What is going on?? Yes, increasing hordes of aging cerebral neurons may indeed be going AWOL from my firing range. Or perhaps, the Mouska-eared aura of many a Boomer actually castrates the ionic pentameter, thus reducing the family joules to limp neuterons. Then again, could Boomer Feng Shui be compromised by…(gasp)?? Yes!! The rampant proliferation of elevated toilet seats!
as big as CDs and a voice that praises me for bypassing American Gladiators. Hopefully I can delete the Greek subtitles displayed since my cat sat on the old remote—last summer. Got pie? Copyright © 2008 by Mary Tompsett
Mary Tompsett is a self-syndicated columnist hoping to snag an agent for her first novel. She lives on the far east side of Santa Cruz (okay, Wisconsin) with her dog and two cats, who allow her to believe she is their goddess. Her horse left the family for a more stable Anyway, I bought a universal remote environment. the size of a skateboard, with buttons
Quiz: Describe iPod, Blackberry, Nap- there.” ster, Blue Tooth, and ear buds. What? Oh, of course, hahaha. Pass the Time’s up! Did you get three or more? pie, will ya? Well, goodie gumdrops for you, Smarty Pants. But if you guessed fruit, sleep, Item: Cell phone. Eight years into this stained dentures, or earlobe growths— century we caved in and got a pay-asgimmee five, dude! And in my world, an you-go for emergencies. Activation was iPod is a clutch of self-absorbed whales. a delight. While a robot woman sang out small talk, we squinted at serial numThe techno-trauma began back when bers. Dang, they’re tiny! By the time we “The Lone Ranger” yielded prime time to found our glasses, she’d hung up. Tried “The Jetsons.” Everyone nibbles humble again, but we dallied on the buttons, pie at times, but many cyber-challenged and the broad cut us off. At last, a live souls have been pigging out on it. No human! He asked which plan I wanted. Huh? Plan?? Ah, yes. The fine print. More wonder this nation is fat!! We accept humorous short stories, essays, personal experience pieces, pie, anyone? opinions, jokes, anything that makes us laugh. So, submit your stuff to: Item: Computer. I was clacking away Love them coffee shops. While sipping at work when…BZZZZ! Hmm. More typeditor@foolishtimes.net ing. BZZZZ! Ignore, ignore. BZZZZ! (Note: strong, pricey decaf, we can now branHerein lies a slick editorial move to WE. dish our cell, stare at the pretty display 00 If I write this article in the plural, WE feel (oooooh!) and check for non-existent 10 1 messages. Oh, how wicked phat are we! 01 less stupid!) 1
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“The techie tossed aside her comic book and stabbed glitter nails at the phone while pout-flirting with a boy in line. In the time it took to imagine kicking her butt in Latin verb conjugations, she murmured, “Done.” So we systematically pulled plugs to isolate the source. Was it the speakers? No. Ink-jet printer? No. Dot matrix printer? Scanner, keyboard, mouse, or monitor? Nonononono. For forty minutes we crouched under our desk with cords tangled ’round us like drunken octopi. Still, BZZZZ!
The new cell never rings. You see, phone calls squander precious minutes saved for that “emergency”—stalling at the downtown rhino crossing or flailing in the quicksand behind Starbucks. So we don’t give out the number. But our cockiness dimmed when a friend said cells can’t ring unless they’re on!! Alrighty. Any pie left? Magnifying glass in hand, we added minutes to the account. The same cheery voice mocked our efforts and dumped us into a second menu. Then the little tart had the ballybells to declare that our passcode was wrong. Hey, it came with the phone! Four more tries, yadda yadda. We hopped online. Blah blah blah. A new passcode would be issued via text messaging. Text what?? Plunging headlong down the deep well of avoidance, we monogrammed all our underwear, cleaned the oven knobs with a needle, and scraped mint flavor off a roll of dental floss. Finally, we gave texting a whirl and, Lo!! Three new messages, three different passcodes.
Already bloated on humble pie, we “Excuse me,” blurted a customer. We shlepped back to the store for another crawled out, cobwebs in our hair and helping. The techie tossed aside her spider husks on our sleeves. He pointed comic book and stabbed glitter nails to a shelf. “There’s a pager vibrating up
Computer Frustration?
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I’ll bet if there were a tabloid that specialized in dishing dirt on all the crazy stuff that goes on with human anatomy you’d see Foot and Mouth right there on the cover all the time. In fact, I think Foot and Mouth are the Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt of the human body.
And Special Answers to Questionable Questions Dear Will, Whenever I am in an automated bathroom (you know, with automatic flushers, toilet seat covers, faucets, soap dispensers, hand dryers, towel dispensers), I wave my hand over and over, jump up and down, whatever... but the automated devices never respond. It’s as if I’m not even there. Also, it seems like whenever I’m out in public people completely ignore me. They step right in front of me in the grocery store, turn right in front of me when I’m driving, and cut me off midsentence when I’m talking. Once again, like I’m not even there. I’m beginning to wonder, Will, if I might be an alien or some other kind of invisible being or something. Or maybe I’m someone’s lost imaginary friend who has amnesia, or maybe I’m an astral projection from another galaxy? Please, Will Fargo, can you help me figure out who, or what I am? All this ignoring is starting to make me question reality. Signed, Your Imaginary Monterey
Friend?...
I am very sorry to say, that it appears no one sent in a question this month. Although for a second there I thought there was a question from someone or something, I’ve completely forgotten what it was.
to trust Finger again or will they call it quits? Where will that leave Thumb? Will Thumb be able to satisfy Nose on his own or will he go back to Arse? Questions, questions, questions!! There are so many questions! Why isn’t anyone asking but me?!?
Or what about Head and Arse? They’ve been thick as thieves since the dawn of time, haven’t they? Arse isn’t a dirty word, is it? It’s too proper-sounding to be dirty. Anything British is proper, isn’t it?
Will…I WILL GO FAR!!!…Fargo
Or what about the relationship between Johnson and Brain? Now that’s one for the tabloids. Johnson isn’t a dirty word either, is it? Isn’t Johnson’s first name Richard? It must be. No? Where’d body parts mixed up. Why is that? May- the nickname come from, then? be that’s a question worth looking at? I’m sure I’m not the only one who suffers But wait, there is no relationship befrom a little anatomy confusion now and tween Johnson and Brain, everyone then. I’m just your average Joe, aren’t I? knows that! I don’t think they’ve ever even been introduced! What hack am I OK, so why did I say nose when I talking about anyway? meant finger? Maybe it’s because Finger and Nose spend so much time together. Oops, did I say hack instead of heck? No? Well, they do in this Joe’s world. In Was that a Freudian slip? Is my writing fact, it’s a regular co-dependency as far going down the tubes or something? as I can see. Do I secretly think I’m a hack? Is there such a thing as a real good hack? Does that mean he’s good or bad?
Oops, did I say hack instead of heck? Was that a Freudian slip? Is my writing going down the tubes or something? Do I secretly think I’m a hack?
Of course he does, don’t be an idiot! So why is Finger the one breaking out this story and not Thumb? That’s not fair to Thumb. I don’t know why it’s taken so long for this to come out it the first place. It’s not like it’s a big secret what’s going on. Although people do seem to think they need to hide the relationship.
Actually, I’ve been experiencing a lot of strange little moments lately where I I don’t understand that. feel like someone or something is trying to get my attention and ask me someNo one seems to feel the same way thing, but I just can’t seem to put my about other relationships between body nose on it. Er… my finger on it. parts. What about Foot and Mouth? People love to point it out whenever they’re Hmm, I’m always getting those two seen together.
FOOLISH THOUGHT Why do you have to “put your two cents in” but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going?
ANSWERS FOR WORD SEARCH PUZZLE ON PAGE 20
There are so many questions! Why am I the only one asking? Why has it been so long since there’s been a new affordable type of cheese introduced? I am so sick of Cheddar and Jack. Is all of Wisconsin asleep or something? Why is the rest of the world zooming ahead at light speed with this new software and that new software and Wisconsin can’t even put a new face on their cheese? And as far as I’m concerned you can take your finger and shove that snooty Brie right up your nose at those prices! But watch out for the paparazzi if you do because they’ll definitely chase you down for that scoop.
Nose depends on Finger and so Finger depends on Nose to give him a sense of purpose. That’s what co-dein pendency is all about, isn’t it? But what about Thumb? Doesn’t Thumb carry his Finger, caught in shocking betrayal load just as much as Finger when Nose against Nose!! Will Nose ever be able signals there’s work to be done?
Dear Bogus Advice Readers,
March 2008
+ S + S + + + C + + + + + + +
+ Y S S P W + I + + + + + + +
+ A + E S O + L + + + H + + +
+ W + N N B T E + + + G + K +
+ L + N O N N A H S J A + C +
+ A + E S I I G T + O D + O +
Y G + K E A T U + O Y D + R +
+ E + N M R + A G + C A + M +
+ N N U A H C E R P E L K A +
+ O + R J + + + + G N C + H +
+ D + D A B U S H M I L L S +
+ + C I T L E C + R M M + + +
+ + + + + + B + T + A + M + +
+ + + + + S T A E Y F + + I +
+ + + + + + P + + + + + + + +
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March 2008
Foolish Crossword Puzzle
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This Month’s Foolish Crossword Clues ACROSS
Have some fun and learn more about our advertisers by solving this crossword puzzle. The clues are actual words that appear in ads in this issue of Foolish Times or are simply hints that will lead you to the ads. Identify the advertiser from the clues and then write the advertiser’s name in the puzzle. Eliminate apostrophes, periods, other punctuation and spaces between words in names of more than one word. 1 2
3 4
2. Doug Lanzaro 6. Door to Door Service Available 7. the art & science of growing plants 9. It’sAbout Time 10. we ship worldwide 11. details,details,details 12. Insurance Services 13. good old fashion 14. family friendly service 15. Mobile Auto Detaling
5
DOWN 6
7
8
1. always in stock 3. Gizdich Pies 4. Marianne’s Ice Cream From Santa Cruz 5. Local Business Shindig 8. Free Wood Chips
9
ANSWERS CAN BE FOUND ON PAGE 24 or perhaps 25 10
11
12 13
14
15
FOOLISH THOUGHT Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
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March 2008
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March 2008
The
Swimsuit
Issue By Sarah Flake
What if, along with your regular 11 issues of “Martha Stewart Living,” once a year the magazine sent you “The Mailman Issue” filled with pictures of dashing, shirtless postal workers ducking secretively into suburban homes? Then, my friends, women would finally be equal to men. Please tell me that you’ve already purchased your copy of the 2008 “Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.” It’s your once chance a year to get away with being a slimy ogler and not have anyone call the cops on you. Filled with famous
“And if that’s not enough to get your sports fix, you can subscribe to have an SI Swimsuit Model as your cell phone wallpaper with the wallpaper updating each month to showcase another girl. Total immersion can be yours under the guise of sports.”
I’ve been pretty riled up about this yearly phenomenon. So you can imagine my relief when I read that, in fact, this issue was for women as well! Susan Breslow Sardone wrote an article assuring women that the Swimsuit Issue is a handy tool for us gals to see what we should be wearing. I felt empowered by reading that the Swimsuit Issue is “a shopping guide for women, cluing them in to the latest swimsuits, bathing suits, bikinis, and thongs for the beach.” How silly of me! And here I thought this was just a marketing gimmick to get more men subscribing to the magazine. I’m going to get my subscription tomorrow and totally out-writhe Beyonce on the beach this summer. But wait, I vaguely remember my Mom telling me that looks aren’t everything... Not to worry. The Managing Editor of the magazine, Terry McDonell, talked about the rigid selection process for the sandy sirens. Beauty is only one of many factors determining a woman’s inclusion in the issue. “The success of the SI Swimsuit Issue has always been in the combination of beauty, athleticism, and personality of the models we choose,” he said. From this deadly combination, we can rest assured that every model in this issue not only has a perfect body, but can also dunk on Michael Jordan and tame wild mustangs with a single, limpid glance. How quickly I jumped to conclusions. I apologize, men. McDonell makes it perfectly clear that it’s what’s “beneath” the swimsuit that really matters.
women “dressed” in g-strings and bikini “Sports Illustrated” is projected to tops writhing in the sand, this issue is a reach about 64 million adults. However, marketing dream come true. So what if the swimsuit edition typically sells twice it says “Sports Illustrated” on the top? as much as any other SI issue, is sold in This issue promises to have nothing more than 15 countries, and printed in at all to do with sports. In fact, the 2007 a dozen languages. It is the most puredition’s cover had teasers such as “Body chased issue of any magazine issue every Painting that Rocks,” “The Dreamgirl as year. It is typically released on Valentine’s You’ve Never Seen Her,” and “Look Who’s Day to add that “special something” to in Elvis’ Bed.” Let’s save the suspicious the holiday. The 2000 edition was even circumference of Barry Bonds’ head for accompanied by 3-D goggles to view March—the February issue is all about certain photos. However, this complex development overwhelmed most of the skin. amoeba-brained readers and the idea
25
was scrapped in future issues. The 2007 issue was filled with “music themed” shots. Not only did singer Beyonce grace the cover, but other fleshy gals were photographed with famous musicians such as Aerosmith, Kenny Chesney, and Panic! At the Disco. Accordingly, this was the first year you could purchase an accompanying CD to listen to while browsing your magazine. For only $20 you could not only see, but experience through music, the true message of the Swimsuit Issue. And if that’s not enough to get your sports fix, you can subscribe to have an SI Swimsuit Model as your cell phone wallpaper with the wallpaper updating each month to showcase another girl. Total immersion can be yours under the guise of sports.
Good Old Fashion Family Food
Black Bear Diner
The Swimsuit Issue has been printing since 1964—right when we women were supposedly going through a revolution to put an end to sexism. The early models must have thought this was a way to free themselves and show how empowered they were. Some charismatic editor probably gave them the “take off your clothes and we’ll respect you” line. Forty years later we are still falling for it. Some revolution. Now where’s my issue? Sarah Flake is the author of a humor blog at hollywoodflakes.org that has approximately 10,000 readers a month.
Breakfast • Lunch • Dinner ANSWERS FOR FOOLISH CROSSWORD PUZZLE ON PAGE 23 ACROSS 2. PACIFICHOME 6. MONTEREYAIRBUS 7. MBAYHORTICULTURESUPPLY 9. GASPERS 10. MONTEREYMATTRESS 11. CYPRESSCABINETS 12. MARKANICETTI 13. BLACKBEAR 14. PENINSULATIRE 15. VALLEYPROSHINE DOWN
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March 2008
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The Golden Hammer 372-8585
COMMERCIAL 1200SQ FT. 2400SQFT.
The Marabee Connection 375-8329
2102
2078
Peninsula Potters 372-8867
2103
American Granite & Marble 655-9567
2080
Manutech 655-8794
2104
Hayward Lumber
2080
Spanish Bay Galleries 373-0554
2106
Hayward Lumber
2082
Davis Design Group
2108
Pacific Etched Glass & Crystal 373-0683
2032 Sunset Drive Pacific Grove, CA 93950
STORAGE RENTALS
(831)373-1782
8 x 14
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March 2008
218 REINDOLLAR AVENUE
Commercial Crest 1-A
Kim’s Market 384-4765
2-A
Nathan Bradley Plumbing 392-1271
27
224 REINDOLLAR AVENUE
Marina self storage & Service Center 224-A
Contours Beauty Salon 884-9970
110
224-B
Total Solutions
114
My Wood Products
3-B
J&P Auto Service 384-4005
224-C
Vision Custom Interiors
118
Rainman Gutters
4-B
Peninsula Tint
224-D
Window Design
122
West Coast Calibration
5-A
5-B 6-B
Branch’s Janitorial
224-E
Robert Meyer Construction
123
JEC 647-9517
6-A
7-B 8-B
Ornamental Iron 883-4243
224-F
Jim’s Plumbing
128
Cypress Painting & Decorating 624-9018
129
Lin Originals Glass & Design
Proforma One
2-1-B 2-2-B
Monterey Bay Horticultural Supply
3-A
Marina Glass Company
4-A
Mural By Dong Sum Kim 883-8353
7-A
1-B
Coachman Limited Corporation 625-5363
224-H
Bottega Design
133 134
Icon Studios
224-K
Alternative Dental Lab
135
Shoii Concepts
224-L
Self Storage Office 384-6066
141
Marsh Plumbing
COMMERCIAL 1200 SQFT. 2400 SQFT.
STORAGE RENTALS 8 x 10 to 20 x 30
224-L Reindollar Marina, CA 93933
(831)384-6066
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28
Fool Laughs THE HANGOVER Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him from the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian.” He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son... What happened last night?” “Well, Dad, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.” Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?” His son replies, “Oh, THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!”
Some good jokes with a couple of so-so jokes thrown in to fill space. “PERTECTION”
“No,” he replies, “I’m an idiot.”
A VISIT TO TIFFANY’S
WALKING THE DOG
A young redneck goes to a drug store and says to the pharmacist, “I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a’ them condoms gonna cost me?”
A lady walks into Tiffany’s. She browsA little girl asked her Mom,“Mom, may es around, spots a beautiful diamond I take the dog for a walk around the bracelet, and walks over to inspect it. As block?” she bends over to look more closely she Mom replies, “No, because she is in inadvertently breaks wind. heat.” The pharmacist responds, “A threeVery embarrassed, she looks around “What’s that mean?” asked the child. pack is $4.99 with tax.” nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the “TACKS?” the redneck says. “Gawd person doesn’t pop up right now. garage.” a’ mighty, don’t they stay on by theirAs she turns around, her worst nightselves?” The little girl goes to the garage and mare materializes in the form of a salessays, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk standing right behind her. Cool as MARIJUANA-FILLED FIREWOOD man around the block? I asked Mom, but she a cucumber and displaying complete “Hello, is this the Sheriff’s Office?” said the dog was in heat, and to come professionalism, the salesman greets to you.” the lady with, “Good day, Madam. How “Yes. What can I do for you?” may we help you today?” Dad, said, “Bring Belle over here.” “I’m calling to report ‘bout my neighVery uncomfortably, but hoping that bor Virgil Smith... He’s hidin’ marijuana He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, inside his firewood! Don’t quite know the salesman may just not have been and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it how he gets it inside them logs, but he’s there at the time of her little “accident,” to disguise the scent, and said, “OK, you she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this can walk her now, but her Belle on the hidin’ it there.” lovely bracelet?” leash and only go one time round the “Thank you very much for the call, sir.” He answers, “Madam, if you farted just block.” The next day, the Sheriff’s deputies looking at it, you’re going to crap when I The little girl left and returned a few descend on Virgil’s house. They search tell you the price.” minutes later with no dog on the leash. the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Belle?” A TAP ON THE SHOULDER wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask The little girl said, “She ran out of gas the driver a question and tapped him on about halfway down the block. Another Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil’s the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost dog is pushing her home.” house. control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove “Hey, Virgil! This here’s Floyd... Did the up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. Sheriff come?” “Yeah!” “Did they chop your firewood?” “Yep!” “Happy Birthday, buddy!” —submitted by Ron de Tuna
CHECK-OUT
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, a student nurse found one PARK POLITICS A man is sitting on a bench in the elderly gentleman already dressed and park reading a newspaper. Suddenly he sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his throws the paper onto the ground and feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital. yells, “All politicians are idiots.” After a chat about rules being rules, he A man sitting next to him says, “I take reluctantly let her wheel him to the eloffense to that!” evator. On the way down she asked him The pissed-off guy asks him, “Why? if his wife was meeting him. Are you a politician?”
March 2008
“I don’t know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, “I’m sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.” The driver replied,“No, no, I’m sorry, it’s my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.”
FOOLISH THOUGHT Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?
March 2008
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Ye Olde Limerick Corner Brought to you by Anonymous or others who are only secure enough to vaguely identify themselves.
29
Miriam’s Cafe Serving organic coffee & loose leaf tea Displaying a new artist every month Open 7am-7pm 7 Days a week
(831) 277-5655
‘Tis now one of those election years, The ones that drive us to tears. The founders would say Must they do it this way With the shouting, the lies, and the smears? — Gene, Gene, the Limerick Machine And a three-part limerick from Ron de Tuna: A recently rejected blonde Went to talk to a frozen pond She sighed to the ice “It must be so nice To have such a perfect bond” Overcome by the grief in her heart The ice just all melted apart She suddenly knew This was a clue To release an occasional fart So to a new boyfriend she flew On a diet more beans and less stew But he was a smoker A match was the joker An explosion the big adieu — Ron de Tuna
615 Lighthouse Ave. Monterey
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Wharf #2 • Monterey All the Way at the END of the Warf
Best Burger in Town Nightly Specials Open 7 days a week till 2am Serving Lunch and Dinner 1130am-9pm
Duffy’s Tavern 282 High Street, Mtry, CA 93940
831-644-9811
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Foolish Shorts
March 2008
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FOOLISH THOUGHT Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
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March 2008
Foolish Shorts Hearing Problems
31
Family Friendly Tire Service
Three old guys are out walking. Tony Has Over 30 Years Experience
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March 2008