Bright Parenting The Nasty Business of Parenting Lessons Learned In Sunday School The Joys of Not Backto-School Shopping A Not-So-Evil History of Halloween Journey To A CoupleCentered Marriage
And More Inside! September-October 2011| Bright Parenting Magazine| Issue #1
Bright Parenting Magazine
Bright Parenting Magazine
The Magazine for Freethinking Parents
Features 4 Parenting is a Nasty Business
Shannon Burgdorf shares her parenting experiience.
6 What Exactly Did I Learn in Sunday-School? Misty Cole recounts what she learned from Sunday-School and how her religious past impacts her parenting.
9 Dear Principal
Shannon Burgdorf writes a powerful letter to her son’s principal detailing why their family has chosen to homeschool.
11 Not Back to School Shopping
Karen Loethen joyfully shares with us one of the things she looks forward to each year as a homeschooler-no back to school shopping-.
13 Hallowed Halloween
A brief history of Halloween.
25 Trick-or-Treat Safety
10 Suggestions to help make your Halloween night scary -safe- fun.
Departments 2 Editor’s Note 3 Parenting 16 Home and Family
17 21 22 26
Couples Mom’s Moment Dad’s Den Resources
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18 A Couple-Centered Marriage
One spouse’s story of how seeking a “Christ-Centered” marriage almost destroyed it. And the power of putting the couple first.
The Magazine for Freethinking Parents
Editor and Creator:
Rayven Holmes Contributors:
Karen Loethen Misty Cole Shannon Burgdorf Photography provided by:
Brandon Chadock
Brandon is an amateur photographer shooting from the hills of West Virginia. As a former apostolic Sunday school teacher turned atheist, he supports the concepts and organizations that encourage independent thinking and freedom from religion. His photography is not available online, but he can be reached via twitter @strongdelusion His images can be seen on pages: 3,5, and 17.
ROAD Home Photography is a subsidiary of Bright Parenting Magazine and provided the images on pages: cover, 1, 6, 7, 10, 16, 18, and 21-24 The image on page 4 was created by Emilie Graul. The image on page 12 was created by Karen Loethen. The image on page 13 was provided through a free clipart search. The images on pages 15, 19, and 25 were procured through freedigitalphoto.net and are credited to their respective artist on the page in which the image was used.
Editor’s Note
Here it is! Our first issue, a true labor of love! This issue is small but packed full of freethinking goodness. I could go on with clichéd statements about perseverance and insanity, but instead I will state a wide-reaching thank you to all who have taken the time to support this upstart magazine. I’m hopeful that with each new issue we will have even more contributors and, maybe, one day, sponsors to help spread the word near and far. With each new day this dream will grow. This first issue holds some excellent contributions from a group of talented women, thank you ladies for taking the time to share your thoughts with us. In this issue you will also find a brief history of Halloween, for a complete history check the resources section for websites and books! The couple’s section holds just one article, we are always looking for couples to contribute by the way, –ALL couples are welcome to share their experiences with us- this one article was written by me. I found it painful to get through, but hopefully at least one couple finds enlightenment or hope in my own personal struggle. As always we are looking for submissions, so please share. Think of Bright Parenting Magazine as a community gathering spot where we can share and grow together in hopes of producing a better world through the raising of our children.
Rayven
All articles and imagery in this issue and subsequently on Bright Parenting’s website, Facebook, and Twitter pages are the property of Bright Parenting Magazine and the creators of the work being featured. Bright Parenting Magazine is self-published bi-monthly by Bright Parenting. Copyright 2011 Bright Parenting. All rights reserved. Reprinting or the use of portions of this publication, including images, without consent from Bright Parenting and the author or photographer is strictly prohibited.
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Parenting
Parenting is a
Nasty Business
“My job is to mold these amazingly sponge-like minds into well-rounded, intelligent, caring, honest, trustworthy individuals in our society, in the world. I am not their friend, as their parent I am their mentor -- their teacher.”
I became a parent at 19 and again at 21.
Now, at the ripe old age of 31, I feel that after twelve years of parenting, I have learned a thing or two. I wish I knew how to be a better mom twelve years ago. I wish my kids didn't have to grow up with me. Nonetheless, I did grow up. Now I am a good mom. I may not have planned my pregnancies, but, perhaps, it's the surprises in life that teach you the biggest lessons you can possibly learn.
“We are apt to forget that children watch examples better than they listen to preaching.” - Roy L. Smith 3| Bright Parenting Magazine| September-October 2011
I learned I won't die from change. I learned that my five-year plans, apparently, weren't the route the universe mapped out for me. I learned that as a mom, I didn't automatically
deserve my children's love and respect; I have to earn it, every single day. I hope every day I can take a moment to earn their love and respect, because that is what they deserve. Parenting is hard. Some days I have to tell myself to, "Suck it up!" My job is to mold these amazingly sponge-like minds into well-rounded, intelligent, caring, honest, trustworthy individuals in our society, in the world. I am not their friend, as their parent I am their mentor -- their teacher.
I need to act like it. Lead by example. Show instead of preach. September-October 2011| Bright Parenting Magazine| 4
What
Exactly
Did I Learn In Sunday School?
But don't get me wrong parenting is still funny a lot of the time. As seriously as I take my responsibility of helping grow these humans humor has a way of sneaking in and is often much appreciated. Laughter truly is the best medicine. Here is a humorous inventory that I have learned and may be helpful to any potential parents out there: PARENTING TEST Qualities for Wannabe or Accidental Parents 1. Patience ALL children will test it, push it, dance on it, just to make sure that you know the rules and are able to enforce them in order to ensure you are always making the right choice. 2. Fairness We all know life isn't fair, however, teaching your children
how to treat others with fairness means there are more people in the world with integrity. 3. Unconditional Love When you are able to completely love, like, and care for someone that throws-up on you, screams at you in public, calls you bad words, rolls their eyes at you, etc., etc., etc., you are experiencing what we all search for. 4. Attention Span This must be a minimum of 18 years. 5. Positive Discipline Code for no hitting, no spanking, no cruel and painful punishment, no cursing, no degrading, no name-calling, i.e. do unto others as you would have done to you (not what did happen to you). 6. Humor Like the baby shirts say "Spit Happens!" Laugh when you can because humor can only make it easier.
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I want to better for me and that in turn is better for my children. Parenting is hard - really effing hard - many a mistake will be made, often I want to forgo doing what is right just so they don't hate me - but I remind myself that I have a responsibility to my children to be the best teacher they will ever have. Shannon Burgdorf- Polymath, Autodidact, Actor, Writer, Mother, Wife, Home Educator, Atheist, Secular Humanist sharing insight and wisdom at silveroutlinedwindow.wordpress.com
Like many people who now
practice secular parenting, I came from a religious background. I grew up in my Mother’s fundamentalist Baptist church. I also attended a Catholic elementary school, where I attended mass at least once per week. My dad was agnostic, having lost his first wife to a deacon of their church. He thought churches should be taxed because he said they are no more than businesses. He never discouraged us from attending Mom’s church, though. I think, like many non-religious parents, he felt that attending church as a youngster would somehow help build our moral
and ritualism. I liked all the shiny chalices and robes. I I loved reading Bible stories as loved celebrating the May devotion to Mary at my school. a kid. My family had a huge, My own mother’s roses were lavishly illustrated book of Bible stories. I always gravitated always in bloom and I got to to the few about women: Ruth, carry some of them to school bundled up with wet paper Esther, and the Virgin Mary. towels and aluminum foil. All I loved Sunday school because the students paraded outside to a courtyard and laid our I was a smart kid and I could floral sacrifices at the feet of memorize anything. I always won the games and prizes, and the statue of Mary. It felt so I loved getting attention from solemn and special. the teachers. I learned all the I can’t say that growing up in books of the Bible, the Ten either religious environment Commandments and the Bepositively affected my characatitudes by heart. ter. In Sunday school everything I did was for a prize or I loved all the pomp and circumstance of the Catholic for attention. I was kept out of Catholic confirmation class by mass. I liked its predictability September-October 2011| Bright Parenting Magazine| 6 character.
my parents so I just felt alienated and ignorant of what my peers were experiencing. I was even a little jealous because they all got to go up front and get a snack and I had to stay in my pew, kneeling uncomfortably.
and learned to pronounce all those Sanskrit words. As an adult I have settled into a Unitarian Universalist congregation which supports my cultural and anthropological curiosity about world religions and spirituality.
In Sunday school as I became a teen, I watched my peers come into class hung over on Sunday morning, but call me “faithless” because I asked questions and pointed out contradictions in the Bible. I stopped going to the Baptist church at age 14 when I found out one of the deacons was sleeping with my friend who was his babysitter, and was telling her things like, “God would not have put these feelings in our hearts if he didn’t want us to act on them.” My father had longed preached about most church-goers’ hypocrisy and I started to see what he meant.
With two young sons of my own, I have to make a lot of choices about what parts of my past I want to pass on to them. I feel lucky that my husband had a similar religious background and has a similar sensibility. We focus on two parts of our religious backgrounds to share with our kids: our love of stories, and our love of ritual.
“I try to think about the moments that I remember with my parents, what made those moments special, and how I can recreate that feeling of emotional intimacy with my own family.” As I went off to boarding school at age 15, I took my Bible with me and read it faithfully each night. My atheist roommate gently and respectfully questioned what I believed and why I believed it until I was doubtful myself of Biblical truths. I went through a period of rejecting anything vaguely associated with religion, a feminist Neo-Pagan phase, and a curiosity about Eastern religions. I studied T’ai Chi Chuan and Buddhism and underwent a ceremony to have my third eye opened. I took up yoga 7| Bright Parenting Magazine| September-October 2011
“I realize that ritual is important to all people, not just for children.”... “Even the process of identifying appropriate rituals for your family will help you get to know each other better and feel closer as a family.”
mer program at a local Methodist church, and We realize that listening to the stories from came home asking to say a blessing at meals different religions can be fascinating and because that is what he did at camp, so I pulled instructional. We own three illustrated out the book of multi-denominational blessings children’s Bibles and Bible coloring books. Of and we are reading one at each meal. My son course, we also own Hindu storybooks, African loves that he could make a meaningful contrimyths, and Native American myths. Buddha sits bution to our family time. on our shelf right next to Ganesha and Buddy Christ. Create special family traditions that you repeat for holidays or changes of the seasons. Create My kids love their Religious Exploration classes a special bedtime ritual with your child, or do at church. This year I will be teaching stories something special to celebrate each birthday. from the big three monotheistic religions. I am Even taking a family vacation to the same place excited to share the Bible stories that I loved so each year creates a sense of continuity. I try to much as a kid, the life story of Mohammed that think about the moments that I remember with I learned in college, and I am looking forward my parents, what made those moments special, to learning more about Jewish traditions along and how I can recreate that feeling of emotional with my students. intimacy with my own family. I realize that ritual is important to all people, not just for children. I get a sense of ritual from attending my UU church’s services, despite the fact that most sermons there are more like academic lectures. Each week we still light the same chalice, say the same words as a benediction when we leave. There is a comfort in the familiarity of shared ritual. How can you create a sense of ritual if you belong to no church or faith community? Have a special meal together once per week. Light a candle or say a blessing at each meal together. My four year old recently attended a sum-
Ask your family for input. What is special to them might surprise you, and might be different from what you want to focus upon, but is no less valid. Even the process of identifying appropriate rituals for your family will help you get to know each other better and feel closer as a family.
Misty Cole is an artist, writer, wife, and home schooling mom. You can read more about her parenting adventures at www.schoolinkajamas.blogspot.com.
September-October 2011| Bright Parenting Magazine| 8
Dear Principal, Why
“I want to believe in the educational system. I want to believe that all your teachers and administrative teams want the very best for each child and work every moment of every day to ensure that in addition to the core curriculum, they also teach all children to foster a love of lifelong learning, and to learn to socialize beyond age and gender boundaries.”
We Decided To Homeschool
Dear Principal, My family and I feel that it’s important to let you and others know how we feel about the job your school is doing with the children in your care and how it affects our community. Our son came to us twice in this past school year because of bullying he received while under the care of your school. We presented this information to you both times. Since the end of the school year we found out (from our son, not your school) that the bullying had been happening regularly throughout the year. Our sixth grade son told us hesitantly about the bullying: occasional punches and name-calling such as “gay,” “fag,” “emo,” “goth,” and “cutter.” The hateful act of throwing around slurs (to which they do not even know the definitions) and using them to berate and negatively judge someone without any concern or action by a wiser authority figure is abhorrent, both for the children’s ignorant hurtfulness, and the adult’s tacit approval through their inaction. For any child to feel that they are less than an equal to another simply because the parents of our town are raising bigots, is the direct opposite of growth, evolution, and tolerance. The behaviors these minors are exhibiting can lead to serious results in those they bully: Anger Depression Anxiety Suicidal thoughts and feelings… …And those are just the short term consequences. Must we doggedly and sadistically search for signs of depression, self-mutilation, drug dependence and suicide before we react? 9| Bright Parenting Magazine| September-October 2011
I’ve personally wrestled with feeling that I’ve overreacted, given the underwhelming reactions by you and your administrative team. Though you promised to take things seriously, investigate the situation, and hold accountable those in violation of the Code of Conduct, the school year closed without any reconciliation or further communication from you. I want to believe in the educational system. I want to believe that all your teachers and administrative teams want the very best for each child and work every moment of every day to ensure that, in addition to the core curriculum, they also teach all children to foster a love of lifelong learning, and to learn to socialize beyond age and gender boundaries. I want to believe that they encourage individuality and creativity, honesty and integrity. I want to believe that they help the children explore how to be inventive and resourceful, teach them mental and physical health, and require tolerance and respect. Unfortunately, it has become clear that we cannot count on the public school system, and your school in particular, to care, teach, and strengthen our community through its young people, particularly and notably in the area of tolerance. We have found your school neither a positive nor a respectful environment. We will not allow any of our children to be treated in ways that prevent them from learning, changing, and becoming individuals. The inability of traditional school to aid in reversing the bigotry, prejudice, and hate is disheartening and vividly concerning to me and my family. Continuing to send my son, or any of my children, to your school would be a gross and costly mistake as a parent, if not outright
negligence. Therefore, we have decided to do something about our son’s situation. I began to research the educational system, and what it means to be a teacher in today’s America, and the pros and cons of the possible alternatives to public schooling and its inherent problems. It is my great hope that sooner rather than later, this school–and so many others–will realize the importance of the children over the ego of the adults. It is my great hope that your school will see their errors and work quickly to find a resolution. My family has found a solution. It will not be in your school. Weighing all options and becoming much more versed in homeschooling, we made the final decision to begin utilizing the world outside of a traditional classroom to educate my son. The world is too full of wonder, curious ideas, and possibilities to be confined into a school building all day anyway. Sincerely, Outside-Of-The-Box Mom Shannon Burgdorf- Polymath, Autodidact, Actor, Writer, Mother, Wife, Home Educator, Atheist, Secular Humanist sharing insight and wisdom at silveroutlinedwindow.wordpress.com
September-October 2011| Bright Parenting Magazine| 10
Not Back
to School Shopping
There
is a conspicuous feeling all around us right now, and it’s not related to the cicadas, or to the freaky gas prices, or to the hell-like temperatures with its accompanying lightheadedness. Kids up and down the street and all over the town are being shuttled by their parents to stores for that annual nightmare called BACK TO SCHOOL SHOPPING! School supplies, school clothes (new clothes, socks, shoes and underwear that will get the kids off on a fresh start into their new year), school lunch boxes, sleek folders, markers for the teacher, perforated notebooks, crayons for the classroom, bottles of Elmer’s, packs of unsharpened pencils, construction paper for the classroom shelves, boxes of Kleenex, colored markers, loose leaf paper, tape, three-ring notebooks, binders, pencil boxes, fun-shaped erasers, stickers, scissors,and paper towels for the teacher. Parents are wandering the aisles carrying the lists from their school districts that tell them what they need to buy, right down to the type of paper towels or Germ-X the teacher appreciates. I'm thrilled that I don’t have to tote that list around and cross off items as they are found and plunked
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into the cart. And I also don't have to feel angry that my school district cannot 'afford' basic supplies for the classroom. I'm not feeling rushed. I'm not feeling a strain on the checkbook. The kids are not trying to adjust their sleep schedule to better fit the 7 a.m. craziness that would ensue if we had to get out of the house at 7:30 to make it to the school building on time. OH, that obnoxious morning night mare is NOT FUN! We don’t pack lunches, look for missing school work, try to match shoes, go on hunts for umbrellas, gloves, backpacks, socks, clean jeans, phone numbers, lunch money, watch for the bus, run back in to brush teeth, try to get food into nervous, upset, and/ or rushed stomachs, rush out into unpleasant weather, make sure our children have a key to the house, knowledge of after school plans, or forget that hair wasn’t brushed before leaving the house. We don’t have those heinous fund-raising activities that come with the beginning of the year, PTA expectations, permission slips to sign, drives to and from the school, administrative politics, district issues, calls from the school nurse, or passwords for online classroom resources. And I don’t have that
sense that summer is over too quickly and I’m about to lose my kids again, putting them under the complete control of the local school and its environment. IN TWO WEEKS! NO! Instead, all of that energy is focuses on the kids! Time is spent with one another. And lessons are always in the house, right where they will be needed. We are excited about school starting this year. There are innumerable benefits to homeschooling, some of which are quite obvious, more of which are subtle and satisfying. This time of year, the reasons I love homeschooling begin with the obvious: not going to school! Karen Loethen and her husband homeschool their two children in the Gateway to the West city of St. Louis. Karen is an atheist blogger and a frequent contributor to atheist publications, and can often be found under the stars with her telescope or burning up the keyboard. Follow her blog at: taytayhser.blogspot.com
“NO! Instead, all of that energy is focused on the kids! Time is spent with one another.” September-October 2011| Bright Parenting Magazine| 12
Hallowed Halloween A History of America’s Scariest Holiday
Halloween is a time for fun and food. Parties are thrown, costumes are purchased or made, and children depart homes across America in pursuit of candy. While incidents do occur, the night is one of general fun that helps to keep dentists in business. As our children have gotten older our love for this candy fest holiday has grown. My husband and I have fond memories of trick-or-treating in our youth. We reminisce of the costumes we wore (a few costumes turned out to be favorites for the both of us), and we share some of the silly exploits we took part in. When we became parents there was no doubt in our minds about Halloween. Our parents had a different take on it though. While it had been fine for them to parade us around for free candy from the moment we were both babies, and our siblings as well, they weren’t encouraging of the holiday. It seems as our parents have aged their attraction to religion had increased, maybe knowing that they are living the last few decades of their lives has scared them into religious submission. The full submission of their minds has made holidays interesting to say the least. My husband and I often remind them of what holidays were about when we were children candy, presents, and acknowledged make-believe characters, verses what they want us to have holidays to be about for our children, religious submission and worshipping of make-believe characters that billions of adults are in denial about. In our home we celebrate holidays in ways we have chosen that increase the fun, pleasure, and memories. We have also taken the time to learn the history of the holidays we are taking part in so we can make an informed decision of what we will or won’t celebrate, and why. I have found that while our parents turn their noses up at Halloween, marking it as an evil, sinful, Satan-filled holiday, they actually know nothing about the history of the holiday like most religious people who look down on the holiday. If you are facing a similar problem with family and/or friends about your love of this dark and “evil” holiday here is a brief history to help you educate your loved ones. It all started 2,000 years ago with The Celts; who resided at the time in the areas we now refer to as Ireland, the UK, and France. The Celts welcomed their new year on November 1st, this day was important to them because it signaled the end of harvest season and the start of the harsh winters they faced in that region.
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These winters were also devastating to the population at these times, due, in part, to the large number of deaths caused by lack of food and the harsh weather conditions. The Celts began to believe that, during this moment when life stopped and death was ushered in, the worlds in which the living and the dead resided in blurred together. They believed that October 31st, the night before the New Year, was the exact day that this “blurring” of the worlds took place. They dubbed this night Samhain-which many Pagans still celebrate-and held rituals, usually around a bonfire while wearing costumes, to fend off the spirits that were thought to be roaming the earth on that night. To the Celts that evening was also a time for New Year prophecies which were handed down by Celtic priests. Fast forward to the Romans in 43 CE and the Celtic holiday of Samhain was now a mix of the Roman festivals of Feralia and Pomona. Feralia was a festival recognizing the dead that took place in late October. Pomona was the Roman goddess of fruit and trees and this day was set aside to celebrate her. When Christianity infested the Celtic region in the seventh century the reigning pope at the time, Boniface IV, set aside a day in which to honor all saints and martyrs. He chose November 1st and named it All Saints’ Day. This move was made in an attempt to do away with the Celts already present holidays honoring the dead, while providing a “church-approved” holiday with similar meaning. This church-approved holiday also went by another name: All-Hallows Day. The evening before, which was originally the Celtic holiday of Samhain, was named All-Hallows Eve. All-Hallows Eve eventually came to be known by its modern name of Halloween. We have European immigrants to thank for All Hallows Eve aka Halloween coming to America. While Halloween celebrations were limited in the religiously unyielding New England area during colonial times, it flourished in the southern region of the country. In the areas that celebrated the holiday festivities included ghost stories and mischief-making. The areas that didn’t celebrate Halloween spent the last fall days celebrating with annual autumn festivals. With the new wave of immigrants during the last half of the 19th century Americans saw the formation of Halloween as we know it today. Irish immigrants helped merge the Irish and English customs resulting in the current Halloween tradition of dressing up and going door to door. In the 19th century people would ask for food or money, instead of candy like we do now. This practice of going door to door was based on the All Soul’s Day action of “going a-souling”; this was when the poor would go through the town during the festivities and beg for food or money. September-October 2011| Bright Parenting Magazine| 14
Children began to take up the practice after the church started encouraging the circulation of “soul cakes” to discourage the ancient practice of leaving food for passing spirits. During this time women still believed they could predict the future on Halloween night just as the Celtic priest did, although 19th century women were mainly attempting to predict who their future husband would be, unlike Celtic priest who were attempting to predict the futures of practitioners. As the 19th century came to a close there was a shift in American thinking on Halloween. Instead of it being about the traditions upon which it was founded, it was turned towards a holiday that focused on fun, community, togetherness, and costumes. The wearing or having of scary or disgusting appearing costumes/ décor was discouraged and Halloween was molded into a non-scary, secular, community-based event. With most of its connection to the ancient spiritual based festivals erased, including trick-or-treating, as the 20’s and 30’s roared in Halloween had transformed into a community-building event with parades and town-sponsored celebrations. By the end of the 50’s Halloween had become the billion-dollar-grossing event we know today. Trick-or-treating was reintroduced to the community-based events due to its low cost. The grotesque costumes that were discouraged at the end of the 19th century had begun to make a comeback as well.
Home and Family Do you have a recipe that even your pickiest eater devours? How about a cleaning technique or a method to your family calendar madness that you just have to share? We are looking for your submissions covering all things home and family focused. From parenting strategies to the best way to get mildew out of the bathroom tub without using harsh chemicals. We want to work with you to help share information that will grow happy, healthy heathen families. Send submissions to brightparenting@gmail.com.
Image by Nutdanai Apikhomboonwaroot via freedigitalphotos.net
Today we can see nods to the beliefs of ancient humans throughout our Halloween celebrations. From trick-or-treating to bobbing for apples, harkening back to the ancient celebration of Pomona, religious practices of old are in there. While we can trace this holiday, just like we can any holiday, to the religious practices of the past, what we celebrate today is a night of fun, family, and community. That is how we should approach each holiday that lines our calendars, they are a time for fun, family, and community, but we should also take them as an opportunity to learn about the past. With each holiday we allow our children a chance to see how mankind has evolved in thinking and practice, and we have the luxury of providing them with a clear example of how mankind has made and molded practices to fit the needs of society or the beliefs of the current ruling party.
Rayven Holmes is the editor of Bright Parenting Magazine and a happy dysfunctional homeschooler who ramblings about homeschooling, parenting, life, and vegan eating over at dysfunctionalhomeschooler.blogspot.com.
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Couples
"The bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds they mature slowly. ” ~ Peter De Vries 17| Bright Parenting Magazine| September-October 2011
A Couple -Centered Marriage When my husband and I embarked
on our marriage journey over seven years ago we were given loads of advice, some of it good, but most of it was ignorable. One theme that popped up time and time again was to keep god and/or Jesus “first” in our marriage. When we moved to North Dakota we were bombarded with this Christ-Centered marriage talk more and more. I, being a semi-Christian at the time,
bought into this idea. It-the lack of a Christ-Center marriage- had to be the reason for all the problems we were facing at the time. I thought if I became devout and strived for this “Christ-Center” marriage all of our problems would float away. I know you all can see the idiocy in that lack of logic, I can see it now myself, but unfortunately at the time I could not.
I began to blame all the issues in our marriage on us being “unequally yoked”... Our problems weren’t going to float away if we brought a third being into it. In fact, my insistence on a Christ-Centered Marriage just intensified our problems. I began to blame all the issues in our marriage on us being “unequally yoked”. I was clearly more of a believer than he was, and I was certain that he needed to shape up so we would have the ideal marriage.My definition of the ideal marriage wasn’t the same as the Christians I came in contact with on this journey though. While they were striving for a “biblical” marriage where the man called all the shots and the woman submitted to his will, I was envisioning an equal partnership where we listened to each other’s needs and strived to meet those needs the best we could. This of course isn’t a “biblical” marriage, this is modern secular marriage.
September-October 2011| Bright Parenting Magazine| 18
After months of attempting to beat Jesus into my husband and reaching the brink of divorce I decided to seek counsel, but I didn’t go the religious route…no I went to a professional. In those sessions I learned more about what I needed in a relationship and what it took to effectively speak to my husband than I could have learned in a church or religious women’s group. For the first time in our marriage I was able to speak to my husband without yelling, demanding, or being condescending, and I was able to ensure he knew and heard my needs just as I knew and heard his. Four years later we aren’t the same couple we were back then and our marriage is nothing like that depressing sham of a marriage we were coexisting in. We’ve reached an understanding: we only need two people in our marriage. A marriage is an agreement between individuals, I didn’t marry Jesus… I married my husband and when I realized that and removed my blinders I was able to see the real issues in my marriage. Tackling our issues and our parenting responsibilities allowed me too finally break free of the religious chains that bound me, and opened me up to a marriage built on the important things like trust, understanding, compassion, and acceptance. Yes, acceptance. In my pushing for a “ChristCentered” marriage I had stopped accepting my husband for the perfectly imperfect human that he is. I saw only that he didn’t want to worship my version of a deity, thus making him an unfit and horrible husband. I didn’t stop to think and to accept that he only wanted us to spend our time focusing on the people in our marriage and on the family we were building together.d. Many years were wasted due to my lack of accepting that love doesn’t need to come with a bible in hand. The doctrine I was holding onto blinded me to the beauty and to the potential my marriage held. It was a sobering reality when the religion-tinted glasses came off. A bitter-sweet moment where I found myself basking in the joy of my unbelief 19| Bright Parenting Magazine| September-October 2011
while reflecting on the damage my belief had caused my family. Now, my husband and I have a couple-centered marriage, as it should have always been. Our issues aren’t resolved in prayer or by consulting a bible; instead we talk about and discuss our issues. We respect and understand that our marriage can’t survive if we don’t put the people in it first. We are the ones in this day in and day out; our needs are the ones that need to be met. Our expectations are the ones we should be striving for, not the expectations of ancient men. I highly recommend a couple-centered relationship to everyone. True bliss comes when you recognize who is truly important in a relationship: the couple. Aside, from trained professionals, whose counsel can be costly, those of use seeking a better couple centered secular relationship may have a hard time finding resources. See the following page for some suggestions to help couples get back to the most important factor in their relationship-the couple-. Relationships, especially long-term relationships, can be difficult. Which is why it is crucial to remember that relationships are a two way street with each individual working to build the relationship up. Embrace the bumps in your relationship road by using them as an opportunity to slow down, to learn, to love, and to enjoy the ride, we only live once after all.
Rayven Holmes is the editor of Bright Parenting Magazine and a happy dysfunctional homeschooler who ramblings about homeschooling, parenting, life, and vegan eating over at dysfunctionalhomeschooler.blogspot.com. Image by Rosen Georgiev via freedigitalphotos.net
Love’s ABCs Here is a love “alphabet” to help build relationships that stand the test of time. A: Acceptance, Affection and Attention. Q: Question Together. B: Be Yourself. R: Respect and Romance. C: Communication and Commitment. S: SEX! *Yes, it’s that important!* D: Date Night. See below for some fun date night ideas. T: Trust and Time. E: Empathy. U: Understanding. F: FUN! V: Value Each Other. G: Gratitude. W: Warm-Hearted. H: Honesty. X: Xplore Life. I: Integrity. Y: Yearn For Each Other. J: Joy. Z: Zest. K: Kindness. L: Love and Laughter. M: Motivate N: Nurture. O: Openness. P: Patience and Perseverance. R: Respect and Romance. Fun and Affordable Date Night Ideas S: SEX! *Yes, it’s that important!* T: Trust and Time. U: Understanding. We all want to have fun on a budget. 4. In love with a stargazer? Have a picnic Well here are a few ideas to help make under the stars with a telescope. If you live in a clear that possible for you and your spouse/ area you don’t even have to leave your backyard. significant other: 5. Relive your youth with a trip to the 1. In the spirit of Halloween grab your arcade, loser buys ice cream! favorite pair of fishnets, a corset that leaves very little breathing room, and your those heels you 6. Make a mix CD with tunes from your earswore you would never wear again, put on Rocky ly years together then pop it in during long drives. Horror Picture show and have fun doing the Time The songs are sure to bring back old memories that Warp in your living room. will lead to great stories to make the drive much more interesting, and remind you why you two fell 2. Have a day off while the kids are still in in-love in the first place. school? Catch an early lunch and a movie. You’ll save on childcare expenses, dining cost, and at the 7. Climb a tree and fly a kite, because your movies as well. With those savings you can splurge kids shouldn’t be the only ones having the time of on a large popcorn and soda to share. their lives. 3. How can you conserve water, cut back on your bill, and have fun at the same time? Shower with your honey! Now there’s a fun and easy date that will leave you with a squeaky clean smile on your face.
8. Just stop. Stop whatever you’re doing and kiss each other. Behind every date is our need, our desire, for love and affection. No need to limit that just to evenings out on the town, right? September-October 2011| Bright Parenting Magazine| 20
Dad's Den Here at Bright Parenting we believe that fathers matter, and, just like moms, they need a moment as well. Our Dad’s Den section is that moment. We want this section to be overflowing with useful information for dads: everything from ways to include your child in your favorite activity to the tough issues like health, well-being, and handling the “tough years”. Raising a child has a profound effect on a person. If you are a father doing your best to raise a compassionate, loving, freethinking child we want to hear from you! Share your stories, struggles, advice, and/or resources by contacting us at brightparenting@gmail.com!
Mom's Moment Mothering can be exciting and exhausting all in the same breath. We all need a moment to reflect on our lives, on our goals, and on ourselves. Our Mom’s Moment section is the area for discussions on women’s health, revelations on womanhood, and focuses on the issues important to women. To all the mother’s out there working to raise loving, ethical freethinkers we want to hear from you. What issues matter to you? How to you juggle life and family while still maintaining who you are? Share your stories and expertise with us at brightparenting@gmail. com.
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Call For Submissions
Politics WE Want
YOU!!
Everyone has something to say…what’s your take on current events? Bright Parenting is looking for political commentaries from a freethinking parent’s point-of-view. While we are looking for your opinions, please be advised that fact checking will be used to ensure our readers are getting the truth. Freethinking families should be able to make informed decisions on parenting, family, health, and politics as well. If you want to help us fulfill the political portion of that equation please contact us at brightparenting@gmail.com!
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Bright Parenting is here because YOU believed it was worth investing in. You didn’t invest your money; no, you invested something far more precious, your time! For that we say thank you! But we must not stop with just this issue. Every article, every snapshot, and every resource transforms into a body of work that freethinking parents can turn to, depend on, and enjoy. If you have something to say on freethinking parenting or some beautiful photography to share, please contact us at brightparenting@ gmail.com. September-October 2011| Bright Parenting Magazine| 24
Resources
Trick-Or-Treat Safety Ten Tips To Keep Your Trickor-Treater Safe Brought to you by the Red Cross and the CDC
1. Make a route so you and your kids know where you are going. If your kids are going out alone have them make a route of where they are going as well as a list of who will be going with them and contact numbers for the parents. This information should be shared with everyone in the group as well as the parents connected with the group. 2. Flashlights and Reflective gear may not always go with the costume but they insure everyone can be seen by the cars out that night. A flashlight per person is ideal, most places now sale small kid-size orange ones just in time for Halloween. Some reflective tape on a superhero cape will help your little one stand out as they race through the night, and don’t forget to add some to your little witch’s broom as well. 3. While Halloween is a time for asking strangers for candy we still must teach our children that it doesn’t mean all safety rules have gone out the window. Help them remember to remain outside the homes of people they don’t know and to not indulge in any candy until it has been looked over by a trusted adult. It’s also important to remember that the house rule also applies to cars: If you don’t know them, don’t go inside! If your child will be trick-or-treating with friends give them your cellphone, if they don’t already have their own, so they can contact you or another trusted adult. 4. Remember crosswalks are for crossing to ensure you are easily seen. If there isn’t one nearby make sure to have your flashlight on and look both ways. On Halloween night our society
mixes partying adults with candy hungry kids, please be attentive when near streets. 5. If the porch light is out just keep walking, especially if you see someone standing on the porch in their Sunday best…you will more than likely be stopped and handed religious propaganda-happen to our family last year. It’s a complete evening downer, so a good rule of thumb if the lights are off keep your eyes forward and on the prize –homes with porch lights turned on!6. While no ninja costume is complete with an awesome weapon please leave the real ones at home, and make sure the ones you do bring along don’t have sharp edges and are short as well as light enough to not impede walking. 7. Trick-or-Treating is more fun with family and friends, make sure to have a group and stick to it. Having a designated meeting spot that is in a well-light area familiar to everyone in the party will ensure that if anyone is lost they can be easily found. 8. Masks and make-up help bring home a ghoul or goblin’s look, but they can have some tricks up their sleeves. Masks should fit well, with eye, nose and mouth holes large enough to allow for unobstructed vision, breathing, and speaking. All make-up being used should be tested on a small area of the skin if the make-up has never been used on that person before. Also make sure to check expiration dates, especially if it is make-up leftover or purchased from the previous year. While end of season shopping gives you great deals you don’t want to end up in the emergency room on Halloween night because the make-up you used went bad.
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9. Costumes are flammable so do your best to keep a safe distance from Jack-o-Lanterns. If your home is displaying your pumpkin craving skills try using an LED light inside of your pumpkin(s) this year instead of a traditional candle. This will help keep the trick-or-treaters roaming neighborhood safe and allow your pumpkin to glow all through the night, they even come in fun different colors so you can get creative all in the name of safety! 10. This is by far the most important: Common Sense. As mentioned previously Halloween is the time when we mix party goers, running kids, and darkness. This could be a deadly combination if everyone involved doesn’t use common sense. If we all use some good ol’ fashion common sense everyone will have a great time. So, if you are going to a party please don’t drink and drive, if you are going out with your kids remember make sure your seen and keep an eye on your surrounds & the little ones. Have a *safe* Happy Halloween Everyone!
Help fill our resources section! We are looking for anything and everything dealing with parenting that is secular in nature. Websites, books, television shows, podcast. You name it; we want to know about it! Contact us at brightparenting@gmail.com with any and all resources you have to share!
Image by David Castillo Dominici via freedigitalphotos.net
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