Charley’s Story
by Brian Cave
My name is Charley and my brother Stephen passed away recently. He died suddenly and I just could not talk about what happened to my family. I now know that Stephen died by suicide, this is my story of how I learned to cope with the loss.
When Stephen died my world turned upside down, everything changed. My Mum and Dad wouldn’t talk to me about what had happened, I think they were trying to protect me. They were always crying or staring into space. I wanted to know how and why he died but found it really difficult to talk to them.
Trying to do normal things was really tough. There were so many questions that I wanted answers to. I went to school but my friends weren't much help, they didn't understand what I was going through. Concentrating on my schoolwork was impossible, all I could think about was Stephen and why he would do what he did?
To my family and the people at school I must have seemed okay but behind it all I was really confused and upset. It felt like I had no one to talk to. I was putting a brave face on it but I was tired and dreading the funeral that week.
The house was full of people that week, they were coming and going night and day. All of my family were busy making sure that there was enough food and drink for everyone. It was a strange atmosphere and the house was full of strange faces. I felt so frustrated with the whole event. I just wanted to get out of the house and be on my own. I went to sit under the tree in our garden because that was where Stephen and myself used to play and have little talks.
When I got there I noticed a girl sitting under the tree reading a book. She had cool purple hair which reminded me of Stephen’s many different hairstyles and colours which always annoyed Dad! She looked about Stephens age so I guessed she was one of his friends.
As Charlie approached her the girl looked up, smiled and said: “You must be Charley, Stephens little sister” “Yes I am, did you know my brother?” “Yes. My name is Morena but you can call me Mo. I knew Stephen for ages but became a close friend of his recently, I’m so sorry for your loss, how are you ?” Charley remembered seeing Mo with Stephen but only recently and she never talked to her but then again she didn't talk to a lot of Stephens friends. “I’m ok” replied Charlie, “well no, I'm not actually.” “I totally understand, why don't you to sit down and we can talk, sometimes that really helps”
I sat down beside Mo and said: “I just don’t understand why he would do what he did, did he not realise the hurt he would cause? I am upset but sometimes I get angry with him and then I feel guilty for being angry.” “Those are perfectly normal reactions to what you are going through, Charley. I know that Stephen may not have seemed very sick but sometimes he would get into these very sad moods which he found really hard to get out of”.
I thought about these moods but then I remembered how much fun we had together and how he had a great sense of humour. I told mo about the time he feel out of this tree while showing off to the girl from across the road. We had a good laugh which I realised I had not done in a long time, it felt good.
Mo said “You know, it’s so important to remember people once they have passed, it helps those left behind. The memories they left behind are very real, and these memories help people talk about the person whose gone. Thats what I use this book for, I carry it with me and write down my thoughts and feelings. You can put photos in, draw pictures and just write whatever is on your mind”. “I have so much on my mind, all questions. Why would he leave us this way? Why didn’t he talk to us more? Will life ever be normal again?
Mo then said “Close your eyes, relax and imagine we are sitting on a long train journey. As the train pulls into the stations along the way people get off but no one gets on. Stephen is with us and as we arrive
at a station he gets up and leaves the train. But this is not where our journey ends for we must continue on the train. You see, everyone on that train will get off eventually, it is just a case of at what station they leave.�
“When Stephen leaves the train he does so because he feels he cannot continue, this is his stop. It seems unfair but life and death are all around us, in nature. A leaf falling from a tree, one of many that will eventually fall, but this leaf couldn't hold on any longer�.
“Now Charley, imagine we are standing on a beach. The beach represents life or our world, everyday the tides rise and fall taking sands out to sea. The sea will always ebb and flow bringing with it life but it will also take it away. Someone dying is like a receding tide being taking away to a distant land.�
I told Mo that I missed Stephen so much and we talked more about how much he meant to the family and all the good things he did for us. She then said “ Stephen loved you so much and talked about you all the time. He didn't want to hurt you or your mum and dad. He was so sad inside he felt he just couldn't carry on.� I kept my eyes closed and thought about standing on that beach again and imagining Stephen on that far away island.
I was so relaxed and busy daydreaming that I must have dosed off. When I opened my eyes Mo was gone but she had left her notebook there with a note on it which read: Charley, Use this book to write down and cherish the times you had with your brother. It will help you to cope with your loss, Mo x
The very next day I started to write down stories I loved about Stephen. Some days I would draw a picture. Some days I would write a poem. Some days I wouldn't feel like writing anything but before I knew it it was full. Now I go through and read it with my parents. It really does help me talk about Stephen to my family and friends, I think it makes it easier for them too. We will always miss my brother but we wont forget him either. My family and I will always cherish the times we had.