The Pulse - Vol. 8, Issue 17

Chattanooga’s Weekly Alternative

FREE • NEWS, VIEWS, MUSIC, FILM, ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT • APRIL 28, 2011 • VOLUME 8, ISSUE 17 • WWW.CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

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The Pulse | Volume 8, Issue 17 | April 28, 2011 | www.chattanoogapulse.com

PULSE BEATS 4 ON THE BEAT 13 LIFE IN THE NOOG 24 DINING OUT 27 ASK A MEXICAN 30

APRIL

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VOLUME 8, ISSUE 17 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

“Thirty years old, unemployed, and feeling totally lost.

I didn’t know exactly what to do—but I did know that it was time to act.”

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— William Farmer with advice for the unemployed.

“When compared to other regional cities of comparable size, Chattanooga’s libraries were at rock bottom on almost every point of comparison.”

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— Cody Maxwwll on the present (and future) of the library system.

“We’ve been working once a week since January.

Everyone came in with ideas, but nothing on paper. It’s all about collaboration.”

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— Mike Rudez on the new "Fresh Squeezed" readings.

“When successfully completed, a man cave effectively prevents any husband from ever leaving the house again (except for gallons of milk at midnight).”

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— Chuck Crowder on the quest for a perfect masculine space.

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NEWS Chattanooga’s Weekly Alternative President Jim Brewer, II Publisher Zachary Cooper Contributing Editor Janis Hashe News Editor Gary Poole Director of Sales Rhonda Rollins Advertising Sales Jaye Brewer, Rick Leavell Michelle Pih Calendar Editors Bryanna Burns, Leanne Strickland Graphic Design Jennifer Grelier Pulse Contributors Gustavo Arellano, Rob Brezsny Chuck Crowder, Michael Crumb William Farmer, Janis Hashe Joshua Hurley, Matt Jones D.E. Langley, Kelly Lockhart Cody Maxwell, Ernie Paik Lesha Patterson, Alex Teach Editorial Cartoonist Rick Baldwin Contact Info: Phone (423) 265-9494 Fax (423) 266-2335 Email Inquiries info@chattanoogapulse.com Calendar Submissions calendar@chattanoogapulse.com The Pulse is published weekly and is distributed throughout the city of Chattanooga and surrounding communities. The Pulse is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. No person without written permission from the publishers may take more than one copy per weekly issue. The Pulse may be distributed only by authorized distributors.

The Pulse is published by

Brewer Media 1305 Carter Street Chattanooga, Tennessee 37402 Letters to the editor must include name, address and daytime phone number for verification. The Pulse reserves the right to edit letters for space and clarity.

Please keep letters within 300 words in length.

The Pulse covers a broad range of topics concentrating on culture, the arts, entertainment and local news.

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Pulse Beats

"Q"

“Bicycles are allowed on the bridge, the ice cream cart that is pulled by a bicycle, the snow cone vendors...they are allowed on the bridge.”

Hamilton Place Mall To Undergo Green Renovation

— Brad Jones, owner of a new downtown pedicab service, questioning a city ordinance that prevents his cabs from crossing the Walnut Street Bridge.

Hamilton Place has announced it is the first property owned and managed by CBL & Associates Properties to conduct a full-scale energy renovation. The energy renovation coincides with the interior renovation currently underway.

“Maximizing our energy efficiency is extremely important in today’s competitive retail environment,” stated Dan Wolfe, general manager at Hamilton Place. After the renovation is complete, Wolfe estimates the mall will save enough energy annually to power 100 homes.

Highlights of the changes include installation of waterless urinals and low-flow plumbing fixtures in public restrooms, rooftop HVAC units will be retrofitted with an “Enerfit” system which significantly improves the operating efficiency of each unit, restroom and service corridor light fixtures will be replaced with high-efficiency lamp fixtures, and halogen lamps on mall pushcarts will be replaced with LED fixtures.

Construction on the Hamilton Place renovation began earlier this month and is expected to be complete in the fall. So far, work has focused on removing more than two miles of neon lighting and dozens of lighting fixtures Across the street at CBL headquar-

The Pulse | Volume 8, Issue 17 | April 28, 2011 | www.chattanoogapulse.com

ters, Chattanooga-based Signal Energy will install 126 solar photovoltaic rooftop modules atop the corporate office building.

“Signal Energy is proud to assist CBL in achieving its sustainability goals by installing a 29-kilowatt solar energy system on our corporate office building,” said Ben Fischer, president of Signal Energy. “With this award, Signal Energy will reduce greenhouse gas emissions from our corporate office and generate renewable electricity.”

CBL Executive Vice President Michael Lebovitz commented on the solar panel installation.

“We are excited to partner with Signal Energy on furthering our sustainability efforts here in our hometown of Chattanooga. The decisions we make today have a lasting impact on future generations. At CBL, we are committed to finding ways to operate a greener and more efficient business.”

The 29.61 kW system will supplement the electrical power demand of the office building. The system employs a renewable electric power generator that reduces the building’s carbon footprint, its dependency on traditional power generation methods and reduces annual electricity costs by selling power back to EPB.

News Briefs • If you’ve ever wondered what the younger citizens of Chattanooga love most about the city, you can find out by visiting the Broad Street offices of Tennessee Valley Federal Credit Union all during the month of May. Forty-eight students from Barger and Battle Academy elementary schools drew pictures about what they love about Chattanooga and TVFCU agreed to display them.

Barger teacher Stacey Alverson and Battle Academy teacher Carla Guerra put the youth art project together, and are very pleased with the enthusiastic participation of their students. TVFCU will be holding a reception on Thursday, May 12 at the downtown offices to honor the students for their artistic visions of the city.

• Driving in downtown Chattanooga should be even more interesting during the next couple of months. The city is changing out the hardware used in the traffic signal system. Using federal stimulus money, 67 cabinets and 87 controllers at signalized intersections in the Central Business District will be replaced with a new wireless mesh communication system. During this time, the traffic signals may be out of sync from time to time and could cause some delays for motorists. The work should be completed by mid-to-late June.

NEWS

Commentary & Crime

A weekly roundup of the newsworthy, notable and often head-scratching stories gleaned from police reports from the Chattanooga Police Department, the Hamilton County Sheriff’s Office, the Bradley County Sheriff’s Department and the Dalton Police Department.

• K-9 drug dogs were busy last week at two schools in the region, one in Tennessee, the other in Alabama. In McMinn County, students were given the chance at amnesty before the sniffing began with empty boxes placed in their classrooms. Authorities say several boxes were filled with everything from tobacco to medications to several small bags of marijuana.

Some students even ‘fessed up to beer in their vehicles during the amnesty period. However, over in DeKalb County, Alabama, no amnesty was granted before K-9 dogs were released in a high school parking lot. Two vehicles were “hit” for marijuana, leading to the arrest of two students.

• A disagreement over price eventually led to one man being jailed for pulling a gun at a local Walmart. Police say a 63-year-old man felt he was being overcharged for tomatoes at the Ft. Oglethorpe Walmart check-out. So, he

went to the produce section to get the price tag to show the cashier. When he did, he brushed against a woman holding her child. The husband intervened and pushed the man…which is when he pulled out a handgun and threatened the husband. Several customers standing by were able to calm the man down. He was arrested by police on his way to the exit.

He will be charged with several offenses, including aggravated assault and child endangerment. No word on whether or not he was, in fact, overcharged for his tomato purchase.

• When transporting large quantities of illegal drugs through the area, one would think criminals would do their best to obey all traffic laws. Such was not the case in McMinn County last week when highway patrol officers made what appeared to be a normal traffic stop for two men from Florida. However, when their stories didn’t match, the trooper got suspicious. After searching the truck, a canvas bag was found strapped in the engine compartment. Inside were more than 1,700 doses of narcotic pain relievers worth $35,000 on the

street. Both the driver and passenger were arrested and charged with possession with intent to distribute schedule 2 and schedule 4 drugs.

• Here’s some good advice: Don’t drink and sword fight. Good advice that’s a little too late for a Chattanooga man. He told police that he and some friends were drinking and started a sword fight with various objects around their house on Kirby Street. When he had raised his weapon in his right hand, he got “poked” in the armpit. Luckily for the Zorro wannabe, doctors at Parkridge Hospital were able to patch him up. No charges are expected to be filed in the incident. www.chattanoogapulse.com | April 28, 2011 | Volume 8, Issue 17 | The Pulse

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OPINION

Beyond The Headlines

So You’ve Been Fired—Now What?

By William Farmer, Pulse Contributing Writer

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ne month after my 30th birthday, I was fired from my job of eight years. Although the offense was pretty minor, apparently it was “out of their hands.”

They used other management-type phrases such as “valuable employee” and other things to take the sting away. But the moment they said they couldn’t save my job, the devastation ensued.

What am I going to do now? How will I make money? I own a house, car, motorcycle and had at least a six-month plan. I felt all those material things slipping through my fingers, and all my plans are now just passing thoughts.

“Thirty years old, unemployed, and feeling totally lost. I didn’t know exactly what to do—but I did know that it was time to act.”

So there I was. Thirty years old, unemployed, and feeling totally lost. I didn’t know exactly what to do—but I did know that it was time to act. The job I lost was never supposed to be a career. I just fell into the position, got really great at it, and decided to stay because it was the comfortable thing to do. Looking back, getting fired was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

“Think of it as coming out of a really bad relationship,” I told myself. I already felt like a better person. Getting to this conclusion took some work, though. Here are some ideas that might help you if you find yourself in a similar situation: Tip 1: File for unemployment.

And do it within a week of getting fired, so your pre-

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vious employer can fill out their paperwork, register with your unemployment agency and file a claim for benefits. Registering is very simple and the payment can either be put on a debit card or in direct deposit. How much you are getting depends on how long you’ve been with your company and how much money you earned.

Tip 2: Accept it.

You don’t work there anymore. They are no longer going to pay you. In some cases you can fight it—but if you did the crime, now it’s time to do the time. Wasting time being angry is not going to put money in your pocket.

Unemployment has dropped to 8.8 percent, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics report released on April 1. In March, about 216,000 jobs were added, including most kinds of employment, such as business, healthcare, leisure and professional services. This is a good sign—there are jobs out there. Now it’s time to perhaps push yourself out of your comfort zone.

Tip 3: Stepping outside your comfort zone.

You may have to try other jobs that you may not be used to. Don’t be afraid to learn new skills. Even if they don’t seem that appealing, you need money. Or maybe this is your chance to pursue your real passion. In any event, you’ve been kicked out of that comfortable rut you called a job—and the longer you sit around, the harder it is going to be.

Tip 4: Don’t burn bridges.

The Pulse | Volume 8, Issue 17 | April 28, 2011 | www.chattanoogapulse.com

Don’t get really drunk and call your ex-boss to tell him or her how horrible they are as a person. Taking your anger out on them will not fix things— and will just hurt you in the long run. Chances are that your new potential employers will be calling your ex-boss. You’ve already been fired and that is working against you; why add to the fire? Especially if you got fired over a minor offense, a lot of bosses are human (despite their actions) and aren’t out to get you.

Tip 5: Don’t give up/stay busy.

If you’ve been working a lot, you probably let some things fall by the wayside. Your bathroom is disgusting, your dogs need more exercise, you’ve packed on a few too many pounds. Set some small goals around the house. It’s amazing what small victories can do for your self-esteem. Reconnect with old friends or go visit your mom. Just remember: You haven’t failed at life. You’re now on a new path.

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COVER STORY

Library Problems & Progress

Checking It Out: The Downtown Library Story by Cody Maxwell • Photos by Lesha Patterson

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hen random Chattanoogans were recently asked their opinion of the downtown public library, their responses were all the same: “I used to go there to do my math homework.

I’d go outside to take a break and have to pack up my stuff and take it with me. That or be at a table where I could watch it from a window. Somebody would steal it.”

— Scott, Chattanooga resident for 26 years.

“Rundown and shabby. And one time a blonde security-guard tried to snatch up my baby because she touched a book.”

— Melissa, Chattanooga resident for five years, mother of two.

“It’s a city public building—what do you expect?

In 10 years the library will be gone. It’ll be a homeless shelter.”

— Eric, Chattanooga resident for 44 years, father of two.

“I remember going there for Degas research in

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college, seeing a homeless guy shoving a book in his pants and not turning him in.”

— Kelli, Chattanooga resident for 23 years.

The consensus is that the community has had the same opinion of the downtown library for more than a decade.

In April of 2009, Chattanooga Mayor Ron Littlefield said, “Our library is important as an indicator of our commitment to knowledge and culture. It is also a test of our ability to work together on matters of mutual interest and a proving ground for further community cooperation.”

The mayor’s statement was made in light of a report his office received two months earlier concerning the conditions and public perception of the Chattanooga Library System. Professional library consultants June Garcia and Susan Kent were paid $50,000 by the city of Chattanooga to assess the conditions of our libraries and report back to Mr.

The Pulse | Volume 8, Issue 17 | April 28, 2011 | www.chattanoogapulse.com

Littlefield. The results of the report were shocking.

When compared to other regional cities of comparable size, Chattanooga’s libraries were at rock bot-

“When compared to other regional cities of comparable size, Chattanooga’s libraries were at rock bottom on almost every point of comparison.” tom on almost every point of comparison. The findings amounted to not much more than a reiteration of what local citizens like those quoted above have been saying for many years. The report is called “The Challenge of Change” and can be read at the city’s chattanooga.gov website.

The local community quickly found a way to become involved in this study. The consultants had 250 local citizens volunteer to take part in what they called a Community Visioning Session on

COVER STORY

Library Problems & Progress

September 18, 2008. This meeting with the public was designed to let the local community voice their concerns about the conditions at the downtown library and to let the City know what their hopes were for the future of the library. The report states that: “The Downtown Library is considered ‘unsafe’ by many of the people to whom the consultants spoke. This characterization is due to the congregation of people who ‘hang out’ on the library’s steps and near the front door making ingress and egress uncomfortable to some library users.”

Other issues identified by the public at the Community Visioning Session were: • Homelessness and security at downtown library • Not user-friendly • Too intimidating • Not a welcoming place The report handed to Mayor Littlefield in 2009 left no doubt as to what the community’s opinions and concerns were. These concerns were proven to have been frighteningly prophetic. Four months ago a man was stabbed on the library’s front steps.

According to a Chattanooga Times-Free Press article, a man named David Hartman was bringing food to a homeless friend who normally slept outside the library. He had his four-month old daughter in a stroller with him.

filmed the incident.

Maurice was later found cowering under the steps of City Hall.

Continuing money woes

There was unanimous agreement among library staff and administration, the hired consultants, and Mayor Littlefield on one particular point in the study: The library has been grossly underfunded for years.

Former Library Director David Clapp, after reading the report, said it was “tough but honest.” He said the library had been asking for additional funding to make much-needed improvements for many years, but the library had “been at a stalemate between the city and county for a long time.” Though the report was embarrassingly honest, it seems he was anticipating using the report as a starting point and moving forward in making the improvements and bettering the library’s relationship with the Chattanooga public.

Mayor Littlefield’s official response to the Challenge of Change report was, “One of the critical findings was that it’s underfunded, and we don’t contest that. But the other finding is that they [the library administration] are not using their financial resources in the best possible way.”

According to the report, Chattanooga spends less per capita on library service than any other metro

“There was unanimous agreement among library staff and administration, the hired consultants, and Mayor Littlefield on one particular point in the study: The library has been grossly underfunded for years.”

Two other homeless men, Maurice Moore and Jason Belcher, began arguing over who was going to sleep in a certain spot in the grass near the library steps. Jason told Maurice he couldn’t sleep there, so Maurice pulled a knife and a can of mace and began spraying close to David Hartman’s baby.

David stepped in to protect his child and was stabbed in his chest. Library surveillance cameras

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COVER STORY

Problems & Progress

area in Tennessee. The report also gathered funding information from ten other regional cities outside of Tennessee with populations comparable to that of Chattanooga. With the exception of Huntsville, AL, Chattanooga spends less on library service than any other city.

David Turner, chairman of the library board, went before the City Council in January of last year. According to the recorded minutes of that council meeting, Mr. Turner stated that the library board is “absolutely committed to giving the citizens the best library possible. He stated they have just finalized a marketing plan that will be privately funded; that they will do the fundraising themselves to spruce up the library.

He stated it will not be a new building but there will be new lighting, signage and just sprucing it up. He stated they are making the best use of private funding in this case.”

As far as funding and its ability to correct the problems pointed out in the Challenge of Change report goes,

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The Pulse | Volume 8, Issue 17 | April 28, 2011 | www.chattanoogapulse.com

Chattanooga’s library system seems to be on its own. In 2007, the year before the study was done, the library received $5.6 million in city/county funding. In 2010, the library received $5.5 million city/county funding. After admitting that the library was deeply underfunded, the library was given even less money three years later.

The funding of the Chattanooga Library System is even more uncertain with the coming end of the city/county sales tax agreement. Though promises have been made, no one seems to know for certain what the future holds, or whether the library’s relationship with the community it serves will ever be as it should be.

The library today

Long before the consultation report there had been ongoing community concern about the state of the downtown library. Repeated calls for at least “adequate” funding were made by the library administration.

As of noon on April 21, 2011 one of

COVER STORY

Library Problems & Progress

the four-story library’s two elevators was not working. Inside the elevator, a note said that the fourth floor was currently unavailable.

In one of the two public men’s rooms in the four-story building someone was snoring behind a locked toilet-stall door. In the same public men’s room, another man was washing up using water from the bathroom sink. A stuffed backpack and another small laundry bag were at his feet.

A warning sign taped to the end of a bookshelf on the first floor read: “Please Keep Personal Belongings In Your Possession At All Times.”

Warnings were posted on the doors in front of the steps: “Asbestos—beware.”

The library administration and all the library staff are currently using what limited resources they have available to make some difference, however. Eva Johnston, the library’s interim director, detailed some of what they have been able to accomplish.

“We have been blessed with an active Friends of the Library support organization and in more recent years, new support from community leaders and businesses,” Ms. Johnston wrote in an e-mail.

paint.”

Downtown Library. The paint was purchased by the New carpet for the Downtown Library has been Friends and painting was done by library staff. paid for from the Free Public Library funds that The City of Chattanooga and Hamilton County were raised back in the ’70s. The automation sys- have contributed to what the library is trying to do. tem has also been completely revamped in the last Last fall, they jointly provided special funds for the four months with the use of Free Public Library renovation of the library’s elevator system. That funds. The library’s previous system was not de- renovated elevator is again out of order. signed for use over an InternetCompared to what the downtown library was a based platform and the hardware year ago, the change is dramatic. The library staff was obsolete. has accomplished a lot and is trying hard to make Many projects have been ac- their library a place to arouse a sense of community complished in-house through the pride rather than shame. labor of the library staff. Over When asked about the work being done, one lia period of several months, tall brary staff member said, “We’ve done a lot. We shelving units have been short- have a lot of work left to do to the interior, but ened to give the first floor a more open atmo- must wait on our elevator to be repaired.” sphere. New carpet has been laid in the central area So the challenge remains to city, county and citiof the first floor as well as new carpet and tile on zens alike: How important is a great library? And the second floor. Two decorators, Hank Matheny what are we willing to do to have one? and Dana Moody, volunteered their time to advise the library staff in the Challenge of Change report: www.chattanooga.gov/Files/CHCBL_Report_FINAL_02_16_09.pdf use of accent painted walls that have brightened up the interior of the

“The library administration and all the library staff are currently using what limited resources they have available to make some difference, however.”

“A special $15,000 donation was given by BiLo to create an Early Literacy Learning Station in the Children’s Department. This is presently in the planning stage and will go into production this fall.

Our latest renovation project has been revamping the Children’s Department at the Downtown library. Our ClubLib fundraiser last October provided funds for new carpet, a new ceiling and fresh

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The Pulse | Volume 8, Issue 17 | April 28, 2011 | www.chattanoogapulse.com

OPINION

On The Beat

A Pig Out Of Water S

ome asshole at a recent public Q&A session with local city councilmen (or councilpersons or counceli) asked what they were going to do about the policemen’s “overly generous and bloated pension plan that is bankrupting the city”. I subconsciously flinched, as my head was filled with numbers like a scene from A Beautiful Mind (the Russell Crowe flick about a schizophrenic math genius), but I cast it aside since my mind was neither beautiful nor genius.

We’re building a $2-to-$3-million police precinct 3.8 miles from the brand-new one we closed two years ago—but my retirement plan is “the problem.”

Here’s a guy who’s currently chipping in 4.2 percent to Social Security as opposed to the 9 (NINE) percent of my pay to my pension, and I’m ineligible for most S.S.A. benefits despite 10 years of work prior to The Job and whatever work I do after it. He was on the Wisconsin Bandwagon, but like most “activists” hadn’t actually researched anything about the local pensions and wouldn’t know a fact if it grabbed him by the throat and began licking his eyeballs. (It happens.)

He’d opened with his name, which was also trickling through my mind…and then I remembered the questioner as a self-proclaimed “local activist” who’d had a very public arrest for Public Intoxication (having fallen asleep at the base of a street light downtown on a Friday night; talk about style points) that turned out to be his third or fourth such incident, and I let his thinly veiled anti-police agenda douse my annoyance with its chilled waters. (And truthfully, the firemen are in the same pension and those also in attendance would school his ass afterwards, I was sure. Or flirt with him; they’re firemen, but it’s win/win either way as far as I was concerned.)

I’d been exposed to HIV again a few days before but this town hall meeting seemed worse. HIV. Like a tornado, it was an indiscriminate and random occurrence; it was definable,

Alex Teach

and that at least was comforting. I work the part of town where you pray your wife or husband doesn’t get a flat tire in (unless they have a crack habit in which case they’ll be fine AND live to be 100), but I’d been assigned to this event in East Brainerd for security. I left as the council finished the last of their non-direct answers and excitedly dystopian plans, and wondered where to kill time until my second (or “extra”) job for the

I was considering the new learning curve involved when I stopped at a vending machine that looked out of place. It wasn’t the products…and it wasn’t even the prices. It was the fact that not only was it not covered with a steel grate, it had an all-glass front. Insanity! The fools!

Despite my mandated armaments and training, discomfort was edging steadily towards vulnerability and I decided to flee. How could a normal man keep his senses here in a place where even the mannequins appeared to have fake boobs?

I passed through the exit doors as two regular district cops were coming in, and one of them got so far as “Is that..?

What are YOU doing here?!” before I got to my car and left without a word. It was rude, but so are panic attacks. I’d never made it past the food court.

“I work the part of town where you pray your wife or husband doesn’t get a flat tire in (unless they have a crack habit, in which case they’ll be fine AND live to be 100).”

day.

The location caused me to pass through a different part of town when I left, and feeling somewhat selfconfidant that day despite my prior assignment, I decided to shatter the feeling completely by swinging through the mall. Nothing says “feeling especially old and fat” like walking through Hamilton Place, and it being about four months since Christmas, the biannual visit was due.

I was not disappointed.

As I entered, I was immediately taken aback by nothing more mundane than the attire of most of the patrons: It was college-wear. I gotta tell you, folks…not a lot of “UTC”, “MTSU”, or “Vanderbilt” clothing in my neighborhoods. I was immediately uncomfortable.

The next thing that threw me off was my inability to guess age. Most of my customers are habitual liars using the identification of relatives and friends to avoid capture for active warrants, so telling the difference between a 32 year old and a 35 year old becomes a science. But here? Age isn’t assessed by wrinkles about the eyes or the condition of the back of your hands; it is based on the depth of your make-up and the presence of henna tattoos.

I traveled to my second job in the comfort of an East Indian-run convenience store (and subject of other “On the Beat” columns) where I was greeted by a man openly urinating on the rear of the parking lot. I breathed a sigh of relief.

“HEY, YOU!” I bellowed. I smiled as I approached him.

I was Home.

When Officer Alexander D. Teach is not patrolling our fair city on the heels of the criminal element, he is an occasional student, carpenter, boating enthusiast, and spends his spare time volunteering for the Boehm Birth Defects Center. Follow him on Facebook at www.facebook.com/alex.teach

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ARTS

Feature

Take Six New Playwrights and Squeeze

By Janis Hashe, Pulse Contributing Writer

T

he blank piece of paper in the typewriter has been replaced by the blank screen as the writer’s recurring nightmare. You want to write; you have the idea spinning in your mind—but the right words won’t come.

One of the best ways for playwrights to get the process moving is to work in a collaborative setting with other playwrights, setting goals for pages and plot development, and critiquing each other’s work in a friendly environment.

When Mike Rudez moved back to Chattanooga from New York a couple of years ago, he immediately spotted a need for such a group. “Chattanooga has a growing theatre scene,” he says, “but not a lot of new work being developed beyond the program at the Chattanooga Theatre Centre.”

Rudez had created a similar group in NYC, so knew how it should be structured. He started simply by asking six people he knew if they wanted to write plays. Then he asked CreateHere on Main Street if they had room to house the project, which they did. Thus the “Fresh Squeezed” program was born, and theatre fans will have a chance to see results beginning Thursday.

The six plays are very eclectic, ranging from one that’s sort of an ‘80s horror film to a couple that are very intellectual and cerebral.”

None of the plays are “done”, Rudez emphasizes. Talk backs with the audience after each staged reading will help the playwrights go back and do additional work on the scripts.

As for what will emerge after the readings are done, Rudez is looking to network Chattanooga’s theatre community with other Southeastern cities in a possible “play exchange”, in which new plays are read and possibly workshopped in more than one city. His experience with new work has taught him that pushing new plays into production right away is not always the best course.

If you’d like to help steer the course of one or more of these new works, turn up at CreateHere on one of following nights.

All readings are free.

Thursday, April 28, 7 p.m.

King of the Woods

By Dakota Brown After being left in the rubble of his wife’s destructive exit, Aldan is led by his daughter Marin to the dwelling place of a homeless man whose promise to repay some panhandled change is fulfilled with entry into his community and the discovery of what’s worth fighting for.

“We’ve been working once a week since January. Everyone came in with ideas, but nothing on paper.

It’s all about collaboration.”

“We’ve been working once a week since January. Everyone came in with ideas, but nothing on paper. It’s all about collaboration,” he explains.

Actors and directors were brought in mid-way through the process to help the playwrights create their scripts. Rudez also credits hewlp from Stevie Ray Dallimore, Muse of Fire Project director.

Asked if any themes emerged, he responds, “Not really.

Friday, April 29, 7 p.m.

Maybe They All Moved to Greenpoint (Working Title)

By Hunter Rodgers The last two men on earth struggle to keep order in a rather mundane, post-apocalyptic world. Their decorative discussions over protocol and nostalgia twist in and around on each other touching on all subjects including modern feminism and Aristotelian political theory.

Saturday, April 30, 7 p.m.

And Tectonic Plates

By Madeleine Young This lyrical, prose-like drama is a series of encounters centered on the theme “how long things last.” The loose narrative

structure and sparse dialogue not only highlight the despondency of the characters but also leave the audience asking, “Is joylessness really worth the effort?”

Friday, May 6, 7 p.m Untitled

By Lewis Oehmig Three sisters spend a night reminiscing over a bottle of liquor. The inner workings of their present relationships remain largely shrouded in mystery. However through time, and a little Scotch, the vivid secrets of their past come to light.

Friday, May 6, 7:30 p.m.

Play Dead

By Jeremy Weber When Dillard's other half Josie gives into the influences of Ronnie, anger and resentment set in, but Ronnie cannot let Dillard get out of his control. Spanning the themes of life and death, Dillard now has to convince Josie to join him as he seeks to free himself from tyranny, and rediscover meaning amidst void.

Saturday, May 7, 7 p.m.

All Strings Attached

By Jennifer Manning A science experiment turned quasi-metaphor that no one can dub dead or alive. Two intelligent young people fighting against all odds to stay together. And finally time and space.

Folded in on themselves these elements have been known to create alternate realities in which anything is possible…or not.

Philosophy. Theoretical physics. Super Mario Brothers.

"Fresh Squeezed" All readings will take place at CreateHere, 55 E. Main St., Suite 105.

For more information , call (423) 503-0589. www.createhere.org

www.chattanoogapulse.com | April 28, 2011 | Volume 8, Issue 17 | The Pulse

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ARTS

Arts & Events Calendar FRIDAY

THURSDAY

“Fresh Squeezed”

First night of new plays reading series.

Free 7 p.m.

CreateHere, 55 E. Main St., Suite 105 (423) 648-2195. www.createhere.org

Thursday

CSO Wind Quintet 4 p.m. Ooltewah-Collegedale Library, 9318 Apison Pk. Studio Recital 5 p.m. UTC Fine Arts Center, 725 Vine St. (423) 425-4269. www.utc.edu/Music Kitty Kat Ball 5 p.m. Warehouse Row, 1110 Market St. (423) 265-9494.

Hot Jazz in Stone and Steel: An Exploration of Early American Jazz 6 p.m. Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944. www.huntermuseum.org On Point Annual Fundraising Banquet 6 p.m. Chattanooga Convention Center, 1150 Carter St. (423) 756-0001 Women on the Water 6:30 p.m. Greenway Farm, Lake Resort Ter. www.tnaqua.org Bluff and Bridges Downtown Tour 7 p.m. Walnut Street Bridge, 1 Walnut St. (423) 228-0448. www.chattanoogasidewalktours.com “Fresh Squeezed” 7 p.m. CreateHere, 55 E. Main Street, Suite 105. (423) 648-2195. www.createhere.org

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Classical Broadway 7:30 p.m. Bryan College, 721 Bryan Dr., Dayton. (423) 775-2041.

UTC Wind Ensemble 7:30 p.m. UTC Fine Arts Center, 725 Vine St. (423) 425-4269. www.utc.edu/Music Sherman Golden 8 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. www.thecomedycatch.com

Friday

2011 UnBought and UnBossed Awards Breakfast 7:30 a.m. The Chattanoogan, 1201 Broad St. Swing for Signal Centers 10 a.m. Valleybrook Golf & Country Club, 180 Valleybrook Rd. (423) 313-3257. www.signalcenters.org Dynamo of Dixie Downtown Tour 10 a.m. Sheraton Read House, 827 Broad St. (423) 228-0448. www.chattanoogasidewalktours.com Earth Dayz 11 a.m. Rock City, 1400 Patten Rd. Lookout Mountain, GA. (800) 854-0675. www.seerockcity.com Bargeroo!

5 p.m. Barger Academy, 4808 Brainerd Rd. Chattanooga Traditional Jazz Festival 6:30 p.m. Chattanooga Choo Choo, 1400 Market St. (423) 266-0944. www.chattanoogajazzfestival.com “Fresh Squeezed” 7 p.m. CreateHere, 55 E. Main Street, Suite 105 My Children, My Africa 7:30 p.m. Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga, 1918 Union Ave. (423) 987-5141.

Professional Actor Training Program Final Project 7:30 p.m. Chattanooga State, 4501 Amnicola Hwy. (423) 697-3246.

Classical Broadway 7:30 p.m. Bryan College, 721 Bryan Dr., Dayton. (423) 775-2041.

Clarinet Ensemble 7:30 p.m. UTC Fine Arts Center, 725 Vine St. (423) 425-4269. www.utc.edu/Music Sherman Golden 7:30, 10 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. www.thecomedycatch.com Blues for Mr. Charlie 8 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534. www.theatrecentre.com Stand Up Comedy! Michael Malone 9:30 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839. www.funnydinner.com Female Impersonation Show Midnight. Images, 6065 Lee Hwy. (423) 855-8210. www.imagesbar.com

Saturday

Walk for Life 8:30 a.m. Tennessee Riverpark, Amnicola Hwy. (423) 892-0803. ww.choicesprcnow.org National Cornbread Festival 9 a.m. 213 S Cedar Ave. South Pittsburg. www.nationalcornbread.com MDA Muscle Walk 9:30 a.m. Chattanooga Zoo, 301 North Holtzclaw Ave. (423) 697-1322. www.walk.mda.org Walk the Talk & Party for the Planet 10 a.m. Tennessee Aquarium, 1 Broad St. (423) 648-2496.

Blues for Mr. Charlie

Last weekend for James Baldwin’s powerful play, never before seen in Chattanooga. $18 8 p.m.

Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Circle Stage, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534. www.theatrecentre.com Brainerd Farmers Market 10 a.m. Grace Episcopal Church, 20 Belvoir Ave. (423) 458-6281.

Chattanooga River Market 10 a.m. Tennessee Aquarium, 1 Broad St. (423) 648-2496. www.chattanoogamarket.com Chattanooga Traditional Jazz Festival 10 a.m. Chattanooga Choo Choo, 1400 Market St. (423) 266-0944. www.chattanoogajazzfestival.com Earth Dayz 11 a.m. Rock City, 1400 Patten Rd. Lookout Mountain, GA. (800) 854-0675.

Art till Dark Noon. 40 Frazier Ave. (423) 413-8999. www.arttildark.com My Children, My Africa 2 p.m. Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga, 1918 Union Ave. (423) 987-5141.

Outdoor Chattanooga Family Camp Out 2 p.m. Greenway Farm, Lake Resort Ter. www.outdoorchattanooga.com Student Dance Showcase 2 p.m. Barking Legs Theatre, 1307 Dodds Ave. (423) 624-5347. www.barkinglegs.org

ARTS

Arts & Events Calendar

SATURDAY

Graduate Performances at Chatt State Professional Actor Training Program grads in final projects.

Free 7:30 p.m.

Humanities Theater, Chattanooga State College, 4501 Amnicola Hiwy.

(423) 697-3246.

Chattanooga Football Club Match 4 p.m. Finley Stadium, 1826 Carter St. www.chattanoogafc.com Another Gorgeous Evening 5:30 p.m. Tennessee RiverPlace, 3184 Scenic Waters Ln. Bluff and Bridges Downtown Tour 7 p.m. Walnut Street Bridge, 1 Walnut St. (423) 228-0448. www.chattanoogasidewalktours.com “Fresh Squeezed” 7 p.m. CreateHere, 55 E. Main Street, Suite 105. (423) 648-2195. www.createhere.org Professional Actor Training Program Final Project 7:30 p.m. Chattanooga State, 4501 Amnicola Hwy. (423) 697-3246.

Sherman Golden 7:30, 10 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. www.thecomedycatch.com Blues for Mr. Charlie 8 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534. www.theatrecentre.com Saturday Night Movie with Ms. Kitty 8 p.m. Baylor School Student Center, 171 Baylor School Rd. (423) 267-8505.

SUNDAY

Stand Up Comedy! Michael Malone 10:30 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839. www.funnydinner.com Female Impersonation Show Midnight. Images, 6065 Lee Hwy. (423) 855-8210. www.imagesbar.com

Sunday

National Cornbread Festival 9 a.m. 213 S Cedar Ave. South Pittsburg, TN. www.nationalcornbread.com Dynamo of Dixie Downtown Tour 10 a.m. Sheraton Read House, 827 Broad St. (423) 228-0448. www.chattanoogasidewalktours.com Chattanooga Traditional Jazz Festival 10:30 a.m. Chattanooga Choo Choo, 1400 Market St. (423) 266-0944. www.chattanoogajazzfestival.com Chattanooga Market Opening Day 11 a.m. First Tennesee Pavilion, 1826 Reggie White Blvd. www.chattanoogamarket.com Earth Dayz 11 a.m. Rock City, 1400 Patten Rd. Lookout Mountain, GA. (800) 854-0675. www.seerockcity.com First Free Sunday Noon. Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944. www.huntermuseum.org Swan Lake Tea 2 p.m. East Ridge Presbyterian Church, 4919 Court Dr. (423) 821-2055.

Movie Showing: Gasland 2 p.m. Hamilton Place YMCA, 7430 Shallowford Rd. Open Improvisational Jam 3 p.m. Barking Legs Theatre, 1307 Dodds Ave. (423) 624-5347.

Cadek Community Orchestra: “Music of Tragedy, Rebirth and Renewal“ 3 p.m. UTC Fine Arts Center, 725 Vine St. (423) 425-4601. www.utc.edu/music Walk With Me: A Meditative Dance for Peace 4 p.m. Walnut Street Bridge, 1 Walnut St. My Children, My Africa 6:30 p.m. Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga, 1918 Union Ave. (423) 987-5141.

Professional Actor Training Program Final Project 7:30 p.m. Chattanooga State, 4501 Amnicola Hwy. (423) 697-3246.

Sherman Golden 8 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. www.thecomedycatch.com

Monday

Bluff and Bridges Downtown Tour 7 p.m. Walnut Street Bridge, 1 Walnut St. (423) 228-0448. www.chattanoogasidewalktours.com Chattanooga Ghost Tour 8:15 p.m. Walnut Street Bridge, 1 Walnut St. (423) 821-7125. www.chattanoogaghosttours.com

Tuesday

26th Annual Women of Distinction Awards Luncheon 11:15 a.m. Chattanooga Convention Center, 1150 Carter St. (423) 756-0001 Songwriter’s Line-up 7 p.m. The CampHouse, 1427 Williams St. (423) 702-8081.

Lookouts vs. Mississippi Braves 7:15 p.m. AT&T Field, 201 Power Alley. (423) 267-2208.

Cadek Community Orchestra

Music of tragedy, rebirth and renewal.

Free 3 p.m.

UTC Fine Arts Center, Roland Hayes Concert Hall, Vine & Palmetto Sts. (423) 4601.

Chattanooga Ghost Tour 8:15 p.m. Walnut Street Bridge, 1 Walnut St. (423) 821-7125. www.chattanoogaghosttours.com

Wednesday

Dynamo of Dixie Downtown Tour 10 a.m. Sheraton Read House, 827 Broad St. (423) 228-0448. www.chattanoogasidewalktours.com Lookouts vs. Mississippi Braves 11:15 a.m. AT&T Field, 201 Power Alley. (423) 267-2208. www.lookouts.com Main Street Farmers Market 4 p.m. Main St. at Williams St. www.mainstfarmersmarket.com Jewish Film Series: Nora’s Will 5:30 p.m. Jewish Cultural Center, 5461 N. Terrace Rd. (423) 493-0270. www.jewishchattanooga.com “An Evening of Ten Minute Plays” 7:30 p.m. Chattanooga State, 4501 Amnicola Hwy. (423) 697-3246. www.chattanoogastate.edu Chattanooga Ghost Tour 8:15 p.m. Walnut Street Bridge, 1 Walnut St. (423) 821-7125. www.chattanoogaghosttours.com www.chattanoogapulse.com | April 28, 2011 | Volume 8, Issue 17 | The Pulse

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ARTS

Feature

Sense of a Woman

By Michael Crumb, Pulse Art Critic

B

essie Smith Cultural Center is currently showing “The Southern Way: Grits, Gals and Glory” featuring Atlanta artist Shanequa Gay. It was thrilling to see how viewers at the opening embraced Gay’s work, purchasing a number of her pieces.

The show expresses both Gay’s love for the medium of paint and for her subject of Southern women. An additional pleasure emerged with the realization of Gay’s evident skill at poetry, which she integrates into some of her paintings. Gay’s work impresses for her intelligent sense of composition, her precise, effective use of color, and her tender, penetrating wit.

Among the very best of these 22 works is “My Song” in which the woman’s face and upper torso suggest a self-portrait, except that the sense of universality contained in this work raises its impact to the archetypal level.

The poem of “My Song” runs through this composition, very clear in the background, but the relationship between the words and the face astonishes. Through excellent painterly technique, the words of the poem both appear and disappear within the face. Parts of the face seem transparent, still other parts as solid flesh. This integrated effect of words and image presents a simple magnificence, emblematic of a soaring heart. The work has prominent presence (2011, acrylic and oil on wood).

largest on view.

The literal jazz levitation of “Field Music” features five women. While one sits on the ground with a guitar, the others float on the air in rapturous play. “A Little Blue Girls Prayer” (2011, collage with magazine paper and acrylic on wood) features the praying girl against a collage, with titles and words, of white, mostly blond, women. This piece bears a thematic relation to the very powerful “Stop Touching Little Black Girls.” Here, again, color use dramatizes with half of the painting featuring a bright, young black girl in white, while the other half presents the entire text of a poem of the same title in white letters, all against a blue background.

This piece moves deeply. associated with pastels, express the sense of Gay’s “Ain’t I A Woman?” displays wit of composition in which the title the feminine in their roundness and serve to of the piece gets repeated through the piece imbue the work with a sense of well-being.

Gay explains that she “feels good when (2011, wood and acrylic). Three figures are foregrounded, two with signs bearing the people appreciate my work.” At least part of title. In the background, nine more girls, with the appeal flows from the experience comthree holding signs stand on the ground. This municated through these paintings, often a ground not only connects the two fields, but sense of joy. While some artists may render a serves as a kind of page on which are writ- subject in full detail, producing a technically ten words that resemble a blues proficient image, it often occurs that the anilyric, providing the truth of this mating expression of the subject gets lost in painting’s claim, along with visual severity.

Gay’s brushwork may vary with regard to harmonics.

The parodic “Olympia Put the amount of detail rendered, but these Some Clothes On” (2011, acrylic subjects nonetheless project a felt presence. on canvas) presents a fair copy The sense of a shared experience offered to of Manet’s famous nude staring the viewer excites. In “Mature Love” (2010, out at the viewer, while the black mixed media), the blue-skinned lovers offer a woman in the painting speaks kiss, and their informal presence to each oththrough a wood balloon. This er finds emphasis in compositional elements makes a telling point about subjugation with of exchange that also expresses universality.

Gay’s innovative accomplishment inspires. great humor.

“Out With My Peach” (2007, acrylic, Brava! wood) features a couple with skin toned in purple, a peach- Shanequa Gay: “The Southern Way: Grits, Gals and colored dress and a night Glory” cityscape background. Here, Bessie Smith Cultural Center, 200 MLK Blvd. as in a few other paintings, (through June 24). (423) 266-8658. expressionist swirls also oc- www.sgcreativewisdom.com cupy part of the background.

These swirls, often in colors

“Gay’s work impresses for her intelligent sense of composition, her precise, effective use of color, and her tender, penetrating wit.”

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Gay’s work shows a range of compositional skills. In “Standing on the Corner of Circumstance Waiting for Change” (oil and acrylic on canvas), 13 figures are arrayed before a gray, clapboard house, so emblematic of black neighborhoods. Her use of color here is spare and dramatic, white, blue and gray along with brown skin tones push these figures into a felt presence. The lower parts of the figures drip into an abstract flow of color.

At five by four feet in size, this painting is the The Pulse | Volume 8, Issue 17 | April 28, 2011 | www.chattanoogapulse.com

www.chattanoogapulse.com | April 28, 2011 | Volume 8, Issue 17 | The Pulse

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MUSIC

Feature

A Leg Up And Still Unsatisfied

By Chuck Crowder, Pulse Music Writer

L

ongtime local band The Unsatisfied and musician James Leg recently released some of the best new music to come out of Chattanooga in a very long time and this week will officially unveil it to hometown audiences.

For nearly 25 years, The Unsatisfied has rocked harder, faster and louder than any other band in our fair city’s history. Singer Eric Scealf leads the band through an onslaught of what could be called “punk metal” with the twin, tight dueling guitars of Johnny Stockman and Wayne Shadwick and the solid rhythm section of E.T. on bass and local legend Doug Bales on drums. And now, after three previous releases, they’ve put together their best effort to date.

Songs The Belt Taught Us contains 14 tracks that show not only their talents as musicians, but truly deliver a set of material worthy of purchasing and enjoying. The band will likely find a radio audience for this unstoppable well-oiled machine.

Other tracks such as “The Kids of Forever,” “Into The Gash,” and “You Don’t Know Me” also demonstrate good old heavy metal and punk with lots of interludes, tempo changes and surprises that turn typical three-cord crank-outs into very interesting musical gems.

The LP harnesses their diversity, versatility and overall raw energy into one must-have collection.

James Leg, who’s one half of the power blues-punk duo Black Diamond Heavies, has just released his first solo album, Solitary Pleasure. And, working outside the confines of his regular band finds Leg tapping into his extraordinary talent in ways that will leave listeners wondering why the hell he isn’t already on constant iPod rotation.

The first two tracks, “Have to get it on” and “Do how you wanna” generally follow the signature Heavies sound that Leg describes as “Howlin’ Wolf meets the Stooges,” with his Screamin’ Jay Hawkins’ brand of vocals accompanied by a Hammond B3 organ running through a set of heavy effects.

The second track adds the Hendrix-style guitar improvisations of Dillon Watson to project this sound into a new realm. On the rest of this album, however, Leg takes a step further into his vast array of influences and diverse talent to call shots in new, previously unchartered directions.

“Nobody’s Fault” and “No time to tarry” exemplify Leg’s upbringing as a preacher’s son with raw gospel sensibilities while “Fire & brimstone” and “Drowning in fire” are pure, unadulterated organ-based R&B and soul. “No license (song for a caged bird)” sounds a lot like Tom Waits, featuring a

“Longtime local band The Unsatisfied and musician James Leg recently released some of the best new music to come out of Chattanooga in a very long time.”

The first three tunes on the new release, “The Rapture,” “Blasphemers,” and “The Lovin’”, are by far the most insightful, well-written and well-produced recordings of their entire career. Even the most casual fan cannot deny that these songs have merit normally reserved for arena-rock bands on major labels. The diverse influences of everyone from the Ramones, Cult, Cramps, Stooges and Clash are complemented by the more subconscious influence of Sabbath, Judas Priest (and in my opinion Guns N’ Roses) to form a sound that is truly unique to The Unsatisfied.

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New Orleans-sound of piano and horns.

Another standout, “Georgia,” displays an unforgettable, anthem-type recollection of perhaps a Stones classic like “Let it bleed.” Finally, “Whatever it takes” and “Drinking too much” showcase Leg’s outstanding lyrical capabilities along with his incredible talent as a straight-out pianist.

Overall, Solitary Pleasure is a solid, great album. In fact, whether or not you’ve ever heard Black Diamond Heavies, this new CD is a must for local music enthusiasts—or even those who didn’t know that a talent like James Leg walks our streets.

Together with the Unsatisfied’s Songs The Belt Taught Us the next two music purchases you make need to stay right here at home. They’re definitely worth the disposable income.

James Leg CD Release Party with The Bohannons, Duquette Johnston, Shane Tutmarc 8 p.m. Friday, April 30 JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia The Unsatisfied CD Release Party 10 p.m. Saturday, May 7 Sluggo’s North, 501 Cherokee Blvd.

(423) 752-5224 Online: From Wednesday, April 27, visit www.theunsatisfied.com to download the new CD.

MUSIC

Ernie Paik's CD Reviews

Crystal Stilts

Metronomy

(Slumberland)

(Because Music)

In Love with Oblivion “Suck it, Autotune” could have been the subtitle of the Brooklyn group Crystal Stilts’ 2008 debut album Alight of Night, because of singer Brad Hargett’s low vocals that prominently and brazenly drift out of tune in a distinctively maddening way that, for better or for worse, leaves an impression upon the listener.

The band wouldn’t be what it is without those vocals, and it’s worth noting that Hargett is the group’s dedicated singer and does not play an instrument. For many people, such singing would be a dealbreaker, and only a handful of groups can really pull it off (Meat Puppets and Beat Happening come to mind). On the new Crystal Stilts album, In Love with Oblivion, Hargett’s vocals still have that unique nonchalant-yet-brooding quality and hover in a narrow pitch range, yet this time around, they’re significantly more palatable.

There’s a definite musical aesthetic at work—not many other bands today come to mind that feature the tambourine as a key instrument—drawing from specific pop/ rock styles and muddying the proceedings with reverb; often, the songs sound like they were recorded in a garage, which is appropriate for the opener, “Sycamore Tree,” which has a garage rock sound and a Bo Diddleyinspired tremolo guitar.

“Silver Sun” stays in the ’60s and goes for a bright Byrds-esque chiming guitar-pop vibe, and the upbeat, unabashedly cheery “Half a Moon” channels the British C86 pop era of the mid-’80s as Hargett provides his shadowy, blurred crooning. The album’s longest track, “Alien Rivers,” is a sevenminute, quasi-psychedelic, dragged-out and drugged-out number that works on its own terms but seems out of place among the pop tunes. From this review, In Love with Oblivion probably sounds like a mess, and it is—with a foggy swamp of styles, a low-fi aesthetic and peculiarly intoned vocals—a glorious mess.

The English Riviera I’ve said, on various occasions to friends, that everyone under the age of 25 is insane. I say this jokingly, of course, but there’s a tiny sliver of sincerity—unless you are a robot, the combination of raging hormones, uncertain identity searching and adolescent insecurities can make for some unpredictable, irrational behavior at times.

This concept can translate over to the musical world, with a band forming out of disorder and eventually settling into an identity. Some groups seem to have popped out of the womb fully mature, wearing a bow tie and smoking a cigar, but most likely, they’ve just hidden or burned those old photo albums.

The British band Metronomy, formed by Joseph Mount, now seems to be 25 years old in human years; its 2006 debut, the poppy, glitchy electronic album Pip Paine (Pay the £5000 You Owe), went into many directions before 2008’s Nights Out leaned toward a more cohesive approach. The third album, The English Riviera solidifies the group’s personality, using a clean, de-humidified recording style and a sense of restraint, not obligated to fill every empty space with sound; Mount’s singing resembles a lisp-free Carl Newman, and guest Roxanne Clifford provides silky vocals on the album’s finest track, “Everything Goes My Way.” Though not slack, there’s a sort of breezy attitude on the album, vaguely recalling laidback Californian soft-rock but crossed with some ’80s new wave keyboard sounds; occasionally, the listener is pulled into the present, like with the use of the Justice-esque, danceoriented, over-compressed, eardrum-tugging drum sound heard on “The Bay.” The English Riviera unveils Metronomy’s new lineup, featuring beatbox-replacing drummer Anna Prior and bassist Gbenga Adelekan, and it’s a consistently pleasant effort, if maybe a little too polite and controlled. Metronomy’s endearing, fumbling adolescent days are over, and we can either look forward to or fear its mid-life crisis. www.chattanoogapulse.com | April 28, 2011 | Volume 8, Issue 17 | The Pulse

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MUSIC

Concert Calendar FRIDAY

THURSDAY

Cadillac Saints, Jettison Never

Never a bad time to hear the Saints. $6 10 p.m.

10 p.m.

JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 266-1400. myspace.com/jjsbohemia

Thursday

Vinyl Night 6 p.m. Pasha Coffee & Tea, 3914 St. Elmo Ave. (423) 475-5482. www.pashacoffeehouse.com Open Mic Night 7:30 p.m. The CampHouse, 1427 Williams St. (423) 702-8081. www.thecamphouse.com Rockin Acoustic Circus 7:30 p.m. Charles & Myrtle’s Coffeehouse, 105 McBrien Rd. (423) 892-4960. www.christunity.org Blues Jam with Rick Rushing 7:30 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com Jimmy Harris 8 p.m. The Coconut Room at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055.

Crossfire 8 p.m. The Lounge at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055.

Joe Tucker 9 p.m. The Office, 901 Carter St. (inside Days Inn). www.facebook.com/theofficechatt

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DJ “O” Mixing Up The Beats 9:30 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. www.budssportsbar.com The Cadillac Saints, Jettison Never 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia

Friday

Johnny Cash Tribute Band 5 p.m. Chattanooga Choo Choo Victorian Lounge, 1400 Market St. (423) 266-5000.

Jimmy Harris 6:30 p.m. The Coconut Room at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055.

Flibberty Gibbett 7 p.m. North Chatt Cat, 346 Frazier Ave., Ste A. (423) 266-9466.

Johnston & Brown 8 p.m. Acoustic Cafe, 61 RBC Dr. Ringgold, GA. (706) 965-2065. www.ringgoldacoustic.com Backwater Still 8 p.m. Southside Saloon & Bistro, 1301 Chestnut St. (423) 757-4730. www.southsidesaloonandbistro.com Butch Ross 8 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com Ben Friberg 8:30 p.m. The Foundary at the Chattanoogan, 1201 S. Broad St. (423) 756-3400.

30 Loop Stack 9 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com Mark Holder 9 p.m. The Office, 901 Carter St. (inside Days Inn). www.facebook.com/theofficechatt

Sun Domingo 9 p.m. Raw, 409 Market St. (423) 756-1919. www.myspace.com/jimstriker Convertibull 9 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad St. (423) 508-8956. www.sugarsribs.com Bounty Hunter 10 p.m. T-Bone’s, 1419 Chestnut St. (423) 266-4240. www.tboneschattanooga.com The Nim Nims, Racing Death 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia Hope for a Goldensummer, Zoe Bockbinder, Alex Thompson 10 p.m. Barking Legs Theater 1307 Dodds Ave. (423) 624-5347. www.barkinglegs.org Southern Culture on the Skids with The Dirty South 10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644.

Country Thunder 10 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. www.budssportsbar.com

Saturday

Valerie Smith and Liberty Pike, David Lewis Crawford 1 p.m. Barking Legs Theater, 1307 Dodds Ave. (423) 624-5347. www.barkinglegs.org Johnny Cash Tribute Band 5 p.m. Chattanooga Choo Choo Victorian Lounge, 1400 Market St. (423) 266-5000.

Murderbunny Record’s Appreciate the Scene Festival 5:30 p.m. The Warehouse.

412 Market St. www.warehousevenue.com

Hope for a Golden Summer, Zoe Boekbinder, Alex Thompson

Great eclectic bill that crosses the musical nation. $12 8 p.m.

Barking Legs Theater, 1307 Dodds Ave, (423) 624-5347. www.barkinglegs.org Jimmy Harris 6:30 p.m. The Coconut Room at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055.

Shutter with Affliction Asylum, Contact the Militia, Jadyn Lucid 7 p.m. The CampHouse, 1427 Williams St. (423) 702-8081. www.thecamphouse.com Downstream 8 p.m. Acoustic Cafe, 61 RBC Dr. Ringgold, GA. (706) 965-2065. www.ringgoldacoustic.com Grace Pettis 8 p.m. Charles & Myrtle’s Coffeehouse. 105 McBrien Rd. (423) 892-4960. www.christunity.org Dagger City 8 p.m. Southside Saloon & Bistro, 1301 Chestnut St. (423) 757-4730. www.southsidesaloonandbistro.com Foundation Band 8 p.m. Fireside Grill, 3018 Cummings Hwy. (423) 821-9898.

Ben Friberg 8:30 p.m. The Foundary at the Chattanoogan, 1201 S. Broad St. (423) 756-3400.

MUSIC

Concert Calendar

SATURDAY

James Leg, The Bohannons, Duquette Johnson New CD release party for Leg and friends. $7 10 p.m.

JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 266-1400. myspace.com/jjsbohemia

Bluegrass Pharoahs 9 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com The Owls 9 p.m. The Office, 901 Carter St. (inside Days Inn). www.facebook.com/theofficechatt Convertibull 9 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad St. (423) 508-8956. www.sugarsribs.com Bounty Hunter 9 p.m. Bart’s Lakeshore, 5600 Lakeshore Dr. (423) 870-0777. www.bartslakeshore.com Collective Warehouse Opening: Prophets & Kings, Dirty Lungs 9 p.m. 4015 St. Elmo Ave. facebook.com/prophetsandkings Muddy Mule 9 p.m. Spectators, 8021 E. Brainerd Rd. (423) 648- 6679.

The Beaters 9 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com Gabe Newell and Muddy Soul 10 p.m. T-Bone’s, 1419 Chestnut St. (423) 266-4240. www.tboneschattanooga.com

SUNDAY

James Leg, Bohannons, Duquette Johnston 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia Country Thunder 10 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. www.budssportsbar.com Bassheads: A Night of Dubstep, Drum & Bass 10 p.m. 412 MRKT Bassment, 412 Market St. on.fb.me/fidwgS

Sunday

Traditional Irish Music 3 p.m. The Honest Pint, 35 Patten Pkwy. (423) 468-4192. www.thehonestpint.com Irish Sessions Music 6:30 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pk. (423) 266-1996. www.tremonttavern.com Open Mic with Mike McDade 7 p.m. The Office, 901 Carter St. (inside Days Inn). www.facebook.com/theofficechatt John Lathim and Company 8 p.m. The Honest Pint, 35 Patten Parkway. (423) 468-4192. www.thehonestpint.com Justin Townes Earle with Duquette Johnston and the Gum Creek Killers 9 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com Karaoke with DJ Randy 9 p.m. Bart’s Lakeshore, 5600 Lakeshore Dr. (423) 870-0777. www.bartslakeshore.com Karaoke with DJ Salt 9:30 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. www.budssportsbar.com

Monday

Old Tyme Music Jam 7 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com Big Band Nite 8 p.m. The Coconut Room at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055.

Drew Holcomb and the Neighbors 9 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com Karaoke with DJ Randy 9 p.m. Bart’s Lakeshore, 5600 Lakeshore Dr. (423) 870-0777. www.bartslakeshore.com Karaoke with DJ Salt 9:30 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. www.budssportsbar.com The Future Now, Local Union, Nosecone Prophets 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia

Tuesday

Mike Herrera, Gasoline Heart, Johnny Dropout 7 p.m. The Warehouse. 412 Market St. www.warehousevenue.com Paul Geremia with Lon Eldridge: an Evening of the Blues 7:30 p.m. Barking Legs Theater 1307 Dodds Ave. (423) 624-5347. www.barkinglegs.org Open Mic Night with Mike McDade 8 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pk. (423) 266-1996. www.tremonttavern.com Kyle Kinane 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia

James Townes Earle

Americana by way of Woody Guthrie. $15 9 p.m.

Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com

Karaoke 10 p.m. The Big Chill, 427 Market St. (423) 267-2445. www.thebigchillandgrill.com

Wednesday

Jimmy Harris 6:30 p.m. The Coconut Room at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com Ben Friberg Trio 7 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com Prime Cut Trio 8 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202.

(423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com Open Mic 9 p.m. Raw, 409 Market St. (423) 756-1919. www.myspace.com/jimstriker Overzealous with Feedback Revival 9 p.m. The Honest Pint, 35 Patten Parkway. (423) 468-4192. www.thehonestpint.com The Whigs with Ponderosa and Glowing Bordis 9:30 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com www.chattanoogapulse.com | April 28, 2011 | Volume 8, Issue 17 | The Pulse

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OPINION

Life In The ‘Noog

The Magnificence of The Man Cave I

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recently read a piece by a fellow writer in another local periodical outlining his perfect “man cave.” You know the concept—an undesirable space in the shared domicile the wife “allows” her husband to “decorate” using every possible leftover from his singlehood that he can’t seem to let go of in a yard sale but she’ll never, under any circumstances, display in the proper living quarters of “their” new family home.

Usually this space is relegated to the unfinished basement that has potential, but will need all kinds of build-out the husband may or may not ever get around to, which is fine with the wife because she’s already spent all of their money and his energy fixing up the more livable upper floors anyway. “It’ll give him a project,” they say.

In the meantime, these damp, dark quarters house nearly 99 percent of the contents that proudly adorned his last bachelor pad, including, but not limited to, a massively large projection television (pre-flat screen), at least three outdated video gaming systems, two or three way-wicked neon beer signs, a dartboard, foosball table, a framed Peyton Manning jersey, a ragged questionable leather sofa the wife hasn’t brought herself to sit on since their first date, and—because she didn’t like the one that came with the house—a perfectly good beer fridge.

Now, whether or not the husband ever gets around to actually creating his perfect man cave or not, the dream of doing so recurs every time his wife asks him to change the channel, reminds him to take his shoes off before placing them on the ottoman, or relocates his perfectly chilled six-packs to the workbench out in the garage to become green so she can make room for the casserole her mother brought over.

The writer of the piece that inspired this one outlined his dream man cave— which included a well-stocked bar with The Pulse | Volume 8, Issue 17 | April 28, 2011 | www.chattanoogapulse.com

Chuck Crowder

“When successfully completed, a man cave effectively prevents any husband from ever leaving the house again (except for gallons of milk at midnight).” a monkey for a bartender, a Scotch fountain for when the monkey gets too drunk to properly concoct a beverage, a time machine and panic room for easy escapes and a solid gold loo. All great ideas. However, the reality of it all is that the dream of a man cave rarely comes to fruition until two things have happened: 1) all of the kids are out of diapers, and 2) a man’s earning potential has exceeded his wife’s wildest imagination or her ability to spend it—whichever comes first. Both rarely align.

I have a few friends who’ve been able to achieve the elusive goal of perfecting very respectable, and enviable, man caves. Nearly all have kegerators, a pool table, a poker table, movie-screen size televisions and plenty of overstuffed leather seating. One even has an in-home recording studio. However, none of these poor fellows were afforded the means to

develop these household hideaways until they completed steps one and two above.

Despite this, many wives I know still encourage their husbands to create some sort of space for themselves and their friends to visit, hang out, watch the game and have a few beers. But with any wife’s encouragement for you to do anything YOU want to do, undoubtedly she has ulterior motives.

When successfully completed, a man cave effectively prevents any husband from ever leaving the house again (except for gallons of milk at midnight). “Why are you going to Taco Mac to watch the game when you have a perfectly good man cave right here in the basement?” she’ll start saying. And she’s right. By creating a men’s den right there under the family roof, where’s the excuse to “get away from it all” for a little “me time?”

Likewise, a man cave enables your wife to keep an eye on you so you won’t be keeping an eye on that cute young waitressess’s behind. It also removes the majority of opportunities for you to innocently chat up that ex-girlfriend you run into or the newly divorced “old friend” for whom your wife has always suspected you had a “thing.” Your wife may trust you completely, but she’ll never trust that girl shaking her moneymaker after you’ve had a few cold ones.

So, with all of its bells and whistles, the man cave can be a double-edged sword.

Build it, and you’ve successfully created the one place in the world you have left to leave it all behind for a while. Resist the dream, and while you’ve kept alive the opportunity for an occasional hall-pass out into the real world, most of the time you’ll be taking your shoes off to watch the Kardashians with a warm beer.

It’s your call.

Chuck Crowder is a local writer and general man about town. His opinions are just that. Everything expressed is loosely based on fact, and crap he hears people talking about. Take what you just read with a grain of salt, but pepper it in your thoughts.

www.chattanoogapulse.com | April 28, 2011 | Volume 8, Issue 17 | The Pulse

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WINE & SPIRITS

Riley's Spirits Within

Chocolate Milk Made Just For Adults To Love

By Joshua Hurley, Riley's Wine & Spirits

Relive your youth with this week’s “Great Buy”!

Great Buys are included in this weekly column brought to you by Riley’s Wine and Spirits in Hixson on Hixson Pike where we pick something exciting from the area’s favorite selection of adult beverages from around the world then share it with the readership of The Pulse. This week’s pick is the all new, awesome, pre-made cocktail: Adult Chocolate Milk.

Adult Chocolate Milk was created by a woman named Tracy.

One evening Tracy, who is a mother, was looking for a way to relieve the daily stresses brought on by modern childraising. After fixing her children some chocolate milk, she decided she’d have some of her own—only hers was decidedly different as it was spiked with vodka. While enjoying her “mother’s little helper”, Tracy logged onto Facebook and updated her status to “enjoying some adult chocolate milk right now”. Almost instantly, a stampede of friends inquired about her beverage, spreading its recipe throughout the social network. Among these inquiries was one of Tracy’s long-lost friends from 18 years ago, a woman named Nikki. After making her own Adult Chocolate Milk, she told Tracy that she should seriously think about marketing this fantastic stress reliever. So, after combining Tracy’s expertise in mixology and Nikki’s niche in marketing, the Adult Beverage Company was born.

The Adult Beverage Company mission statement is as simple as we only wish life could be. Why do we drink adult beverages in the first place? To make us less

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The Pulse | Volume 8, Issue 17 | April 28, 2011 | www.chattanoogapulse.com

stressed. The Adult Beverage Company wishes to take its drinkers back to a time when the feeling of being stressed out was as unknown to us as the meaning of the word itself. The company’s flagship pre-made cocktail, Adult Chocolate Milk is a perfect mixture of milk, chocolate syrup and neutral grain spirits. Once you taste it for yourself, it’s easy to understand just what all the Facebook hubbub was about. It offers its drinkers the taste of chocolate milk with a very special adult buzz inside. Now what kid trapped inside an adult’s body wouldn’t like that?

Try Adult Chocolate Milk today, available at Riley’s for $15.97 plus tax for a 750mL. Also be on the lookout for three new flavors from the Adult Beverage Company: Adult Lime Aid, Adult Fruit Punch and for Tennessee Vols Fanatics— Adult Orange Crème!

FOOD

Dining Out

Warm Welcome, Terrific Taste at The Acropolis

By D.E.Langley, Pulse Food Reviewer

S

ince arriving in Chattanooga in 1982, the Kyriakidis family themselves have become staples of Chattanooga’s dining landscape. After a successful run at Little Athens in East Ridge, patriarch Teddy and his wife Betty opened The Acropolis Four Stars Grill at Hamilton Place in 1995. It was and is a family venture.

Their eldest son, Savis, is currently serving in Afghanistan, but still lives in the Chattanooga area. Middle son Nick has now branched out on his own, and operates Niko’s on the Southside. With his father taking a less active role due to health, Teddy, Jr., their youngest son, has stepped up and operates The Acropolis alongside his mother. Even the chef at The Acropolis, Lloyd George, is their son-in-law.

That deep-rooted sense of family is at the heart of everything that The Acropolis does.

“We want our customers to feel like they’re coming to our home,” Betty confided one afternoon. “We want them to feel the warmth and hospitality of our family.” It shows. From the warm and bright interior beckoning you to the menu of scratch-made favorites, you know you’re being taken care of.

Besides the care being put into each dish, everything being made from scratch has another benefit—the staff can tell you what’s in it, precisely. That makes The Acropolis a godsend for vegetarians, those with dietary restrictions, or those of us who just like to know what were eating.

can food, with Greek flavors,” I was told. The menu reflects that. Alongside the Souvlaki Sandwich, you’ll find the Zeus Burger. Shrimp Tourkolemono shares space with Maryland Crab Cakes. An entire section of the menu is even devoted to that most assimilated of ethnic cuisines, Italian, with choices like Chicken Marsala and Eggplant Parmigiana.

I tasted a broad array of flavors. Crisp, tender calamari with a smooth skordalia for dipping comprised a portion of a Greek Antipasto sampler, alongside savory dolmathakia (grape leaves stuffed with a savory meat mixture), spanokopita and tyropita (deliciously creamy seasoned feta bases wrapped in airy filo dough), and moussaka (a layered dish of eggplant, potato and seasoned sirloin, baked with a béchamel sauce). All were fantastic examples of bright Mediterranean flavors. A bite of the pastitsio, best described in shorthand as the Greek take on lasagna, revealed the same sensation, with particular warmth coming from the seasoned beef.

From the more American side of the menu, I tried a new item being added, when freshness allows, as a special—the Grouper Wrap.

“A common misconception is that the Acropolis is a Greek restaurant— it’s not. ‘We make American food, with Greek flavors,’ I was told.”

“A Mediterranean diet lends itself to healthy eating, anyway,” Betty noted. “We have all kinds of healthy options, including a ‘waist watchers’ menu and loads of sugarless desserts.”

That doesn’t necessarily mean you’re out of luck if you prefer a heavier entrée. A common misconception is that the Acropolis is a Greek restaurant—it’s not. “We make Ameri-

A grilled whole-wheat wrap encompassed crunchy fried grouper (also available grilled), juicy red tomatoes, romaine lettuce and a tangy remoulade. It was super-filling with a side of crisp fries, and made for an excellent lunch.

When I visited, the staff was gearing up for their Easter celebration, with Betty sending off patrons with a warm “Kalo Pascha!” and the kitchen working up special dishes. Almost every holiday is a cause for celebration at The Acropolis, and Mothers’ Day will be no exception. Look no further if you’re searching for a spot to take Mom for her special day.

While Teddy, Sr., misses visiting with his tables, his spirit and mindset still govern all that they do. Everything he’s done in the restaurant business has been guided by a lesson he learned from his mentor years ago: “If you ever get to the point where you don’t appreciate every single customer, you need to get out of the business.” There’s a reason the doors are still open at The Acropolis. Go see why.

The Acropolis Four Stars Grill, 2213 Hamilton Place Boulevard. Open Sunday to Thursday, 11 a.m. to 10 p.m. and Friday and Saturday, 11 a.m. to 11 p.m. Call (423) 899-5341 for more info, including catering.

www.chattanoogapulse.com | April 28, 2011 | Volume 8, Issue 17 | The Pulse

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ENTERTAINMENT

Free Will Astrology

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Many artists want “to aim for the biggest, most obvious target, and hit it smack in the bull’s eye,” says Brian Eno, a Taurus genius renowned for his innovative music. He prefers a different approach. He’d rather “shoot his arrow” wherever his creative spirit feels called to shoot it, then paint the target around the place where it lands. That’s why his compositions don’t resemble anyone else’s or fit into any traditional genre -- it’s Brian Eno-like music. Can I talk you into trying a similar strategy in the coming weeks and months, Taurus? I’d love to see you create a niche for yourself that’s tailored to your specific talents and needs.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): When World War I ended in 1918, the victorious nations demanded crushing financial reparations from the loser, Germany. It took 92 years, but the remaining $94 million of the debt was finally paid last October. I hope this story serves as an inspiration to you, Gemini. If entities as notoriously inflexible as governments can resolve their moldering karma, so can you. In the next few weeks, I’d love to see you finally clean up any messes left over from your old personal conflicts.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): I know how secretive you Cancerians can be because I’m one of your tribe. Sometimes the secrecy is a bit neurotic, but more often it serves the purpose of sheltering your vulnerable areas. I’m also aware of how important it is for you to be self-protective.

No one is better than you at guarding your goodies, ensuring your safety, and taking care of your well-being. I would never shame you for expressing these talents and I would never ask you to downplay them. Having said that, though, I want to make sure that in the coming weeks they don’t interfere with you getting the blessings you deserve. It’s crucial that you allow yourself to be loved to the hilt. You simply must let people in far enough so they can do that.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): With a fortune of $27 billion, business tycoon Larry Ellison is the sixth richest person in the world. His monumental sense of self-importance is legendary. One of his colleagues says, “The difference between God and Larry is that God does not believe he is Larry.” Ellison seems to be what astrologers call an unevolved Leo— an immature soul whose ego is a greedy, monstrous thing.

Evolved Leos, on the other hand, are very different. Are you one? If so, you do a lot of hard work on your ego. You make sure that in addition to it being strong, it’s beautiful and elegant. It’s not just forceful; it’s warm and generous.

It gets things done, but in ways that bless those who come in contact with it. For you evolved Leos, this is Celebrate Your Ego Week.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Seventy-five percent of all adults confess they would like to have sex in the woods at least once in their lives, and yet only 16 percent say they have actually enjoyed that thrill. If you’re one of the 59 percent who would like to but haven’t, the coming weeks will be an excellent time to make it happen. Your capacity for pleasure in wild places will be at a peak, as will your courage for exotic adventures. In fact, I suggest that between now and May 21 you consider carrying out three fantasies that have been marinating in your imagination for many moons.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): It’s time for the Big Squeeze.

All the contradictions in your life are coming up for review.

You will be asked to deal more forthrightly with enigmas you’ve been avoiding, and you will be invited to try, try again to unravel riddles you’ve been unable to solve. Does all that sound a bit daunting? It could be. But the end result should be evocative, highly educational, and maybe even exhilarating. The scintillating play of opposites may caress you with such intensity that you’ll experience what we could refer to as a metaphysical orgasm.

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The Pulse | Volume 8, Issue 17 | April 28, 2011 | www.chattanoogapulse.com

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): In the coming weeks, I would love to see you get excited about many different people, places, animals, and experiences. And I hope you will shower them with your smartest, most interesting blessings. Do you think you can handle that big an outpouring of well-crafted passion? Are you up for the possibility that you might blow your cover, lose your dignity, and show how much you care? In my opinion, the answer is yes. You are definitely ready to go further than ever before in plumbing the depths of your adoration for the privilege of being alive.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Here’s poet James Schuyler: “It’s time again. Tear up the violets and plant something more difficult to grow.” In my opinion, that’s almost the right advice for you these days. I’d prefer it if you didn’t actually rip out the violets to make room for the harder-to-grow blooms. Would it be possible to find a new planting area that will allow you to keep what you already have in the original planting area? One way or another, I think you really should give yourself a challenging new assignment.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): “Dear Dr. Brezsny: For five years my wife and I have been married but still have made no children. We have consulted uncountable physicians with no satisfying result. Please predict a happy outcome for our troubles. When will the stars align with her womb and my manhood? She: born December 31, 1983 in Chakdaha, India. Me: born January 7, 1984 in Mathabhanga, India. - Desperate for Babies.” Dear Desperate: I’m happy to report that you Capricorns have entered a highly fertile period. It’s already going strong, and will culminate between May 16 to May 23. I suggest you jump on this sexy opportunity. You couldn’t ask for a better time to germinate, burgeon, and multiply.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): “Welcome home, beautiful!” I hope you hear those words or at least experience those feelings very soon. In my astrological opinion, you need to intensify your sense of belonging to a special place or community. You’ve got to grow deeper roots or build a stronger foundation or surround yourself with more nurturing—or all of the above. And that’s not all. As you bask and thrive in your enhanced support system, you also deserve to feel better appreciated for the wonderful qualities you’re working so hard to develop in yourself. Ask and you shall receive.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Whatever you have been trying to say, it’s time to say it stronger and clearer. You can no longer afford to hope people will read your mind or guess what you mean. Your communications must be impeccable and irresistible. A similar principle holds true for the connections and alliances you’ve been working to ripen.

It’s time to raise your intensity level—to do everything you can to activate their full potentials. Starting today, you’d be crazy to tolerate shaky commitments, either from yourself or others. Be sharp and focused and unswerving, Pisces— keen and candid and to the point.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): To convey my vision of how best to proceed in the coming week, I’ll offer the following metaphorical scenario: Imagine that you are not a professional chef, but you do have a modicum of cooking skills.

Your task is to create a hearty, tasty soup from scratch without the benefit of a recipe. You will need a variety of ingredients, but on the other hand you don’t want to just throw in a welter of mismatched ingredients without regard for how they will all work together. To some degree you will have to use a trial-and-error approach, sampling the concoction as it brews. You will also want to keep an open mind about the possibility of adding new ingredients in the latter stages of the process. One more thing: The final product must not just appeal to you. You should keep in mind what others would like, too.

ENTERTAINMENT

Jonesin' Crossword — "Bearing The Runt" Across 1 Apple or blueberry 4 Down in the dumps 8 Peevish 14 Three-wheeler, e.g.

15 Pet food brand with a pawprint logo 16 Bullring hero 17 Part of a San Francisco movie car chase?

19 Full of sex and violence, perhaps 20 Washington : 1 :: ___ : 5 21 Sine ___ non 22 Nashville sch.

23 Magazine for bakers?

27 “The Simpsons” lawyer Lionel 29 Tarzan raiser 30 Commedia dell’___ 31 Melodic offshoot of punk rock 32 Pot starter 34 Disgusting sort 36 So fresh that Ayn gets punished for it?

42 Pump output 43 Furniture wood

44 Eggs, to a biologist 45 Move slowly (forward) 48 “Water ___ Elephants” 49 Future CEOs’ degrees 50 Shipping yourself cross-country in a crate?

55 Tyler of “Empire Records” 56 Neither companion 57 Bands together 60 “___ Restaurant” 62 Activate everything in the house with the doorbell?

64 Computer-savvy person 65 Cooking acronym used

by Rachael Ray 66 Ambient rocker Brian 67 Ford flops 68 Auto body repair task 69 They sneak up on U Down 1 Chicken ___ (Italian dish, casually) 2 “___, Sing America” (Langston Hughes poem) 3 Northwestern Univer-

sity’s city 4 Actress Phillips 5 “Today” co-anchor Matt 6 “Lemme think...”

7 Zener cards measure it 8 Kerri who won gold at the Atlanta Olympics 9 Singer-pianist Jones 10 Kind of tax shelter 11 Person stroking a cat, e.g.

12 H.S. test-before-a-test 13 “Hey brah, over here!”

18 Surgeon on daytime TV 21 Neighbor of Ont. 24 Brent Spiner’s bestknown role 25 Like some sandals 26 “___ Mopp” (Ames Brothers hit) 27 “___ Majesty” (Beatles song) 28 “Be Cool” actress Thurman 32 “___ was about to say...”

33 “Morning Edition” broadcaster 34 Toscano voted off of

2011’s “American Idol” 35 Tattoo fluid 37 Willy Wonka creator Roald 38 Deborah of “The King and I” 39 Just as good, with “than” 40 Model Herzigova 41 Existed 45 The White Rabbit’s exclamation 46 Stuck, like a landing 47 Some Hondas 48 Guy on the dime 49 DCCLI doubled 51 Ninja Turtles reporter/ cohort April 52 Valentine’s Day bunch 53 Like some poorlyformed sentences 54 Gold brick 58 Long times to wait 59 Spoiled kid 61 Revolutionary on a hipster’s shirt 62 Chafing color 63 “___ been a bad boy”

Jonesin' Crossword created By Matt Jones. © 2011 Jonesin’ Crosswords. For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+ to call. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle #0517.

www.chattanoogapulse.com | April 28, 2011 | Volume 8, Issue 17 | The Pulse

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OPINION

Ask A Mexican

We Just Don’t Stop Dear Mexican, My novio is Mexican, born in Mexico City.

He tells me that in Mexico, women are supposed to propose marriage to men, not the other way around. I don’t believe him. Is this true?

— Girl Around B-Cup, Alta, Chula and Awesome!

Dear GABACHA!, Doesn’t he wish! In Mexico, the prevailing way to propose marriage remains having the parents of the groom accompany their son to visit his querida’s parents so they can pedir la mano of the chica—ask for the girl’s hand in marriage. It’s a tradition steeped in treating women as chattel, as property—but even the most progressive Mexis still do it, because it’s quaint and also understanding of how marriage involves families and community, not just two individuals. Your guy doesn’t want to go through the process? He’s either scared, a coward, or really a Guatemalan.

Dear Mexican, Why does every Mexican rap/hip-hop song always contain the lyrics, “No paramos,” “Nunca paramos,” or some other logically equivalent statement (e.g. “Siempre avanzaremos,” “No acabaremos de seguir,” etc.)? Can’t you people be more original? I mean, come on! It’s not like you all speak a language that makes rhyming particularly difficult, and I’m sure at least one of these barrio-dwellers-turned-rap-star millonarios could find a diccionario de sinónimos and say something more inspired than what I hear repeated on every pinche track. If not, will you please buy one for them? You’re a writer. You’ve got to have one, right?

— Dando los Puñetazos a Mis Niñitos

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Dear Child Abusing Gabacho, You’re criticizing the wrong culture. It’s hip-hop, not Mexican culture, that has made “No paramos” (“We don’t stop”) a cliché of the genre since “Rapper’s Delight.” And the same music form has historically offered lyrical pats on the back for its listeners, whether black or brown or working class, by preaching advancement, solidarity, pride, and activism. They’re leitmotifs, son, just like how all Ramones rip-offs shout “1-2-3-4!” or heavy metal bands growl whether in Norwegian or Spanish: simple gestures that signify more than their literal meaning and tie them into a long tradition. People: just because Mexicans do The Pulse | Volume 8, Issue 17 | April 28, 2011 | www.chattanoogapulse.com

Gustavo Arellano something doesn’t make it Mexican! Context, cabrones: CONTEXT! GOOD MEXICAN OF THE WEEK! Is actually a Guatemalan: Ruben Vives, the Los Angeles Times reporter that helped the paper win a Pulitzer Prize for its investigation of the Southern California city of Bell, a town so corrupt you’da thunk Irishmen ran it. Vives came to this country illegally as a seven-yearold, and would’ve been a DREAM Act student if not for Americans who jumped through bureaucratic hoops to legalize his status. What a wonderful chinga tu madre at the Know Nothings of the world who insist illegals can’t make anything of themselves in this country! What a glorious toma, güey to those who say Latinos bring the corruption of their homelands to the United States and endorse it! What a beautiful arriba to those of us who know undocumented youngsters can and do make something of themselves in this country—if only they have a chance! Gracias, Ruben, for reminding America what those who come into this country illegally are capable of. In honor of your monumental victory, I will no longer pick on Guatemalans in this column, even for satirical purposes: your people have finally, truly made it in this country, and in these days of people bashing illegals, I need to direct my barbs at them and not our former vassals. And for the haters who’ll inevitably whine about Vives’ former illegal status? Welcome to the new normal, pendejos.

Have a question? Ask the Mexican at themexican@ askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter or ask him a video question at www.youtube.com/askamexicano!

www.chattanoogapulse.com | April 28, 2011 | Volume 8, Issue 17 | The Pulse

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