The Pulse 10.36 » September 5, 2013
Chattanooga's Weekly Alternative
September 5 Vol. 10 • No. 36 ava gallery hop and fresh exhibits arts » strolling the hop Chattanooga’s Weekly Alternative 't n s I e e r F n y. e t r o u l t S G r g o n r i r o o G H A s y A lwa MUSICnewfromtheshahscreenlocalyoutubecomedyteachspiders&kevlar FRAZIER-NORTHSHORE 2 • The Pulse • september 5-11, 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com THIS WEEK september 5-11 IN THE PULSE Managing Editor Mike McJunkin Contributing Editors Janis Hashe • Gary Poole Contributors Alex Teach • John DeVore Rob Brezsny • Janis Hashe • Sandra Kurtz Matt Jones • Marc T. Michael • Ernie Paik Gary Poole • Mike McJunkin Intern Chelsea Sokol Photographer Josh Lang Cartoonists & Illustrators Max Cannon • Jen Sorensen • Tom Tomorrow Founded 2003 by Zachary Cooper & Michael Kull EDITORIAL Director of Sales Mike Baskin Account Executives Chee Chee Brown • Julie Brown Jessica Gray • Rick Leavell • Jerry Ware Offices 1305 Carter St., Chattanooga, TN 37402 Phone 423.265.9494 Fax 423.266.2335 Website chattanoogapulse.com Email email@example.com Calendar firstname.lastname@example.org THE FINE PRINT: The Pulse is published weekly by Brewer Media and is distributed throughout the city of Chattanooga and surrounding communities. The Pulse covers a broad range of topics concentrating on music, the arts, entertainment, culture and local news. The Pulse is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. No person without written permission from the publisher may take more than one copy per weekly issue. We’re watching. The Pulse may be distributed only by authorized distributors. © 2013 Brewer Media. All rights reserved. ADVERTISING CONTACT BREWER MEDIA GROUP Publisher & President Jim Brewer II stunning art, fresh exhibits P14 Ava gallery hop 7734 Lee Highway • McKayBooks.com Monday-Saturday 9am-10pm • Sunday 11am-7pm Books. Lots of books. And more. We buy, sell and trade. chattanoogapulse.com • september 5-11, 2013 • The Pulse • 3 THE BOWL chattanooga’s weekly alternative NEWS • COMMENTARY • BULLETINS & PUSH NOTIFICATIONS AT DIAL-UP SPEED facebook/chattanoogapulsE • TWITTER @CHATTAPULSE EMAIL LOVE LETTERS, ADVICE & TRASH TALK TO INFO@CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM AAA Glidden Tour Cool Old Cars Invade City! While Gary Numan might have wanted to spend a little more time in his car than most of us, Americans have long had an obsession with automobiles, for their speed, beauty, sensuality, and power. And some of the most beautiful cars of all are some of the oldest. September 8-13, pre-WWII automobile lovers get the opportunity to attend the largest premier antique automobile touring event in the world: the Revival AAA Glidden Tour. Chattanooga is lucky to host the traveling Glidden Tour for the first time ever, with more than 225 antique cars from around the country, including marques that have all but faded from history entirely, like Packard, Hudson, Auburn and Marmon. (The oldest vehicle in the show is a 1909 Pierce Arrow 48. Yowser!) Of course, this kind of serious event has serious rules—the automobiles must not only be built before World War II, but also must be original and running. The cars have to be road-worthy, as their 500 owners will be driving them all over the area. Tours will include trips to Rock City, Chickamauga, South Pittsburg, Sewanee, Red Clay State Park and Cleveland. So, in other words, prepare for a lot of really cool car sightings. On Friday afternoon, Sept. 13, you can see the cars on display in the parking lot of Westwood Baptist Church in Cleveland from noon to 3 p.m. —Chelsea Sokol Saturday, September 28: “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.” Classic teaming of two of the last movie stars: Harrison Ford and Sean Connery. The movies are free and start at 8:45 p.m., but bring chairs and blankies as early as 7 to listen to music and enjoy some foodtruck chow. —C.S. Stride Up Stringers Stringers Ridge Park Grand Opening Lace up the hiking boots—the eagerly awaited opening of the new Stringers Ridge Park happens this Saturday. After controversy over the land use, a concerted effort by the Trust for Public Land, the Tennessee River Gorge Trust and the City of Chattanooga Parks Department has made this new park possible. Eight miles of new trail, outdoor-inspired art, and some of the most spectacular views in the city are just some of the reasons to get out there. According to the Trust for Public Lands folks: “Parking is available at Renaissance Park and you can walk / bike 5-6 blocks to the Spears Avenue trailhead,” and/or “Parking is available at Bell Ave/Pine Ridge Road (right across the street from Nikki’s Restaurant). If you park here, make sure you bring your bike and ride over to Spears Avenue Trailhead or just plan on a good 30-minute hike to Spears Trailhead.)" 10:30 a.m. Saturday, September 7, Stringers Ridge Park, Spears Ave. Trailhead tpl.org/what-we-do/where-we-work/tennessee/driving-directions-to-spears-trailhead.html —Staff • Got a tip for The Bowl? Send your tips, love letters, advice and trash talk to: email@example.com. Letters and feedback are always welecome! Movies at Center Park Bueller? Bueller? They’re baaack! Baseball, Matthew Broderick, Indy (and his dad, who appears to be Sean Connery)…through the magic of Movies at Center Park (formerly Movies at the 700 Block), they’re all returning to Chattanoogan filmgoers this September. If you’re feeling nostalgic, or maybe want to pass along favorite childhood memories, come to Center Park to watch popcorn classics “The Sandlot,” “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off,” and “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.” River City Company has invited local bands to play before the movies, so get ready for music, movies, food trucks, beer, and wine to hijack 728 Market Street these three Saturdays in September: Saturday, September 7: “The Sandlot.” 1993 film about baseball, childhood friendship and The Beast. Saturday, September 21: “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.” Classic 1986 film in which a high school wise guy is determined to have a day off from school, despite the principal’s lack of enthusiasm. 4 • The Pulse • september 5-11, 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com THE pulse » PICKS LIST pulse » PICK of the litter • A curated weekly selection of picks from the Chattanooga Live and Arts & Entertainment calendars by Pulse staffers. THU09.05 TAXI, PLEASE! Moon Taxi, Black Taxi • Will not be hard to find a roll ‘n roll ride in downtown Chattanooga tonight. 9:30 p.m. • Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. rhythm-brews.com FRI09.06 THAT OLD MOUNTAIN MUSIC The 35th Mountaineer Folk Festival • Well worth the drive to see the fest begin tonight with Leroy Troy Boswell, the Blue Creek Ramblers, and more than 100 oldtimey craft booths. 6:30 p.m. • Fall Creek Falls State Park. Pikeville, TN, (423) 881-5298, tnstateparks.com/fallcreekfalls SAT09.07 FEMININE MYSTIQUE “Women Painting Women: (R)evolution 2013 • New exhibit of work from female artists from across the country opens during the highly anticipated AVA Gallery Hop. 2-8 p.m. • Townsend Atelier, 201 W. Main St. (423) 266-2712. townsendatelier.com Laughter Heals The comedy community unites to help one of its own when Jerry Harvey, Jessica Carter, Ben Thompson, Red Squirrel, Andie Lynne, James Victor Cherry and Thomas Prunier all hit the stage at the Comedy Catch to benefit comic Christy Eidson, who is recovering from open-heart surgery. Good time for a good cause. Benefit for Christy Eidson Sunday, 7:30 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. thecomedycatch.com ACTING UP A STORM “The Tempest” • Set sail for a two-hour tour of William Shakespeare’s isle of magic, monsters and drunken sailors. 7:30 p.m. • Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga, 5600 Brainerd Rd., (423) 602-8640. ensembletheatreofchattanooga.com WHAT'S BEHIND THAT WALL? “The Secret Garden” • The CTC kicks off its 90th (!) season with the musical adapted from a favorite childhood story. 8 p.m. • Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Main Stage, 400 River St. (423) 267-8538. theatrecentre.com BEASTS OF BURDEN Black Jacket Symphony: “Some Girls” • The Stones may be old, but they’re still rollin’…even into the symphony hall. “Some Girls” never gets old. 8 p.m. • Tivioli Theater, 709 Broad St. (423) 267-8583. chattanoogasymphony.org SEPTEMBER 5-7 SPECIAL ENGAGEMENT - PG-18 ETTA MAY THE QUEEN OF SOUTHERN SASS! FORMER FEMALE STAND UP COMEDIAN OF THE YEAR Chattanooga’s Premier Comedy Club Thursday $11.00 Friday & Saturday $16.00 3224 Brainerd Road, Chattanooga, TN Advance Tickets: (423) 529-2233 www.thecomedycatch.com chattanoogapulse.com • september 5-11, 2013 • The Pulse • 5 2 Blocks South of Hwy. 153 & Hixson Pike Interchange Serving Chattanooga for 36 Years 4818 Hixson Pike 870-2156 Mon.-Thurs. 8:30am-10pm Fri. & Sat. 8:30am-11pm You’re Paying Too Much ... See Us and Compare! If You’re Not Shopping at Riley’s, Knob Creek Chivas Regal Tanqueray or Rangpur Gin 750ML $ 1.75L $ 28.78 48.28 1.75L $ 52.90 1.75L $ 38.99 $13.96 $25.64 $41.18 $24.39 $27.45 $33.54 Glenlivet 12 Year Single Malt Smirnoff Apple, Citrus, Raspberry & Vanilla Stock Up For Football Season! Fris Vodka 80º 1.75L Bombay Gin 1.75L Bombay Sapphire 1.75L Jim Beam 1.75L 4 yr. 1.75L 7 yr. 1.75L Black 750ML 1.75L (reg. $13.73) $ 59.95 NOW $ 8.97 6 • The Pulse • september 5-11, 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com Shades of Green Sandra Kurtz Serious About The Scenic City Tennessee Environmental Council opens office downtown It was a fitting location for a rare evening. The crowd arrived at The Crash Pad, the only LEED-certified “boutique hostel” in the world. A broad cross section of representatives from business, academia, government, environmental organizations and neighborhoods gathered outdoors for food, beverages and networking. They’d come to witness the launch of Tennessee Environmental Council (TEC)’s new satellite office for the SE Tennessee Region. Overheard in conversation: “I’m here for my [green] business, but there’s not a more important issue than environment. I wanted to be with like-minded people.” “I’m a former lobbyist. I want to get involved.” “Do you know about National Plug-In Day?” “Teachers don’t get much, if any, developmental training about environment and environment education.” “I am impressed with the diversity and enthusiasm of the people I have met here. All seem to be working on air, land and water issues.” Dr. John McFadden, the Council’s executive Director, greeted the crowd. “Natural resources are important to both community quality of life and the economy,” he said. He pushed for actions to preserve the environment, encouraging use of solar power, energy efficiency, and demand-side management through programs such as TVA/EPB’s Green Power Switch. These last can lower the need for mountaintopremoval coal mining methods that hurt tourism jobs, he pointed out. He noted that the TEC also works to restore urban rivers and streams, including through the planting of trees. Last year, the TEC planted 25,000 trees across Tennessee. McFadden introduced Tina Crawford, the new SE Tennessee Regional Director, now based in Chattanooga. Crawford has already led an educational program for youth during the Alton Park Development Corporation Summer Program. This youth group gained knowledge of city creeks as they tested for water quality, picked up trash, caught aquatic animals, planted trees, and enjoyed canoeing. “I’m so honored to be able to be part of TEC’s work, “ said CrawThe group was asked to list suggestions on what TEC could do to help the environment in Southeast Tennessee. Suggestions included: • Fund selenium testing in mine drainage in Rock Creek drainage (North Hamilton County) • Save our watersheds • Environmental education for students and teachers • Progressive recycling and composting programs for residential and commercial industries • Better energy efficiency programs for businesses • Inform the public about the real problems fracking causes Why should TEC want to set up a special focus here in Chattanooga? After all, aren’t we the Environmental City, risen from ashes of America’s most-polluted city and leading the way for clean air, sustainable development and green building in Tennessee? Don’t people praise our city for our greenway system, outdoor recreation, fiber optics/Smart Grid technology, Climate Action work, increase of city tree canopy, and our “Chattanooga Way” long used to include citizen input in community planning? As long as all our streams are still on the state “threatened and impaired” list, our sewer system requires serious updating, we can’t easily walk or bike for daily supplies, our energy comes from unhealthy sources used inefficiently, we have food deserts, we are not adequately addressing the impact of climate disruption, and our native biodiversity, floodplains, and forests are disappearing due to urban sprawl and development, there is still much work still to do. Chattanooga may be ahead of other Tennessee cities, but from the global perspective, no place in the U.S. is sustainable. October 20, 2012 was Global Overshoot Day. That was the day when our demand on the planet’s resources exceeded, or “overshot” what Earth can regenerate each year. According to annual ecological measurements tracked by Global Footprint Network, it now takes the Earth one year and six months to regenerate what we all used yearly. Rather than liquidating Earth’s resources, can our region model the way to more resourceefficient lifestyles? With the TEC in town, we have another leg-up helping us move in that direction. The new TEC office is located at 302 West 6th Street in downtown Chattanooga. (423) 364-4619, firstname.lastname@example.org ford. “I want to take your ideas and turn them into action for the benefit of the region’s environment and us in it.” Mayor Andy Berke expressed his approval of TEC’s heightened presence in the area. “We live in one of the most amazing places in the world,” he stated. “We can see beauty in the heart of our city. We care about the environment around us. While there are only [a few] miners in Tennessee and while those jobs are important to them, there are about 150,000 jobs in tourism. We must take care of our environment. “ cOmPLImENTARY SmALL PLATE SAmPLER WITH cOckTAIL OR bEER PURcHASE mONDAY - FRIDAY 3Pm-7Pm cHEF’S cHOIcE! our haPPy h sPecial mith’s Black s astro uB G mON - THU: 11Am-10Pm FRI-SAT: 11Am-mIDNIGHT SUN: 11Am-3Pm bRUNcH blacksmithsgastropub.com chattanoogapulse.com • september 5-11, 2013 • The Pulse • 7 NEW HOURS! P 809 mARkET STREET (423) 702-5461 marc t michael Y ou Can Call Him Shah For nearly a decade after that first performance, Shah stayed busy traveling, writing and performing, largely at community events, benefits, fundraisers, children’s gatherings and neighborhood block parties.While putting in his time and paying his dues, Shah began amassing the material that would become his enormous catalog of original music, finding inspiration and spirituality in every new experience. The effect on his style was profound, a fact that become readily apparent when, in 2004, he finally entered the local music scene in full force, making his second debut at The Local Performance Hall. Less than a year later, he would be presented with a Chattanooga Independent Artist award and from there it was “game on,” with a whirlwind of appearances at local venues including The Attic, Lamar’s, Ziggy’s and the Green Martian. More recently he can be found performing at J.J.’s Bohemia and Sluggo’s Vegetarian Café. After his initial success, Shah spent a great deal of time on the road, a pilgrimage to various East Coast hip hop meccas from Miami to Chicago and on to New York, where he made what has proven to be one of his most important acquaintances, Popa Wu, mentor to the Wu Tang Clan and expert on the philosophy of the Five Percent Nation. Brooklyn provided a treasure trove of new opportunities for Shah. While there, he opened for Whild Peach (the backing band for Outkast), made numerous guest appearances on the albums of up-andcomers, and performed at pivotal venues like The Bowery Poetry, The Pyramid Club, the legendary Nuyorican and the Exit Club in Manhattan, before eventually bringing it all back home to Chattanooga. I was fortunate to be there at some of Shahkim’s early performances in Chattanooga. Even then, his intensity and passion were striking. Indeed, the ferocity of his live shows often belied the underlying complexity of his lyrics, whether they were tackling social issues, politics or spirituality. There was a greater depth to what Shah was doing than was typical in the hip hop of the era. In the time since then, he has only managed to refine that approach, until now, with the upcoming release of his latest album, Shah-man, the music has reached a level of sophistication on par with the lyrics, always with the underlying theme of educating the people. Even a quick listen to the new track, “Let’s Get it On Ruffy” will confirm that his mastery of form has reached a new plateau, a place where he is equally comfortable in front of the mic or behind the mixing console. The maturity of his work has given him the ability to glide effortlessly between hip hop, R&B, soul, funk, electronica, and on into the realm of weird new fusion. It is the 21st century, after all. and the lines of distinction between musical genres have blurred. More crossovers and collaborations than ever before are the hallmark of this new hybrid style. And in this realm of almost limitless new possibilities, Shahkim is one of the pioneers leading the way. No release date has been set for Shahman yet, and given the man’s attention to detail and penchant for experimentation, it may be early next year before the album is available, but there is no doubt it will be worth the wait. In the meantime, you can follow Shah in all the usual places on Facebook and Reverbnation and on the mic at Sluggo’s Café and J.J.’s Bohemia. Local Lord of the hip hip scene due for new release Lord Subliminal—Shahkim—that big guy watching the door that you do not want to run afoul of...call him what you will, a few things are certain: He’s an emcee, a poet and he has been an important part of the local hip hop scene for almost two decades, working tirelessly to perfect and promote his art. And the local music scene is richer for it. His first foray into music was back in 1987 in El Paso, where he and his cousin would write “silly rhymes” for the fun of it. For his cousin, it was an amusing pastime, but it struck a deeper chord in Shah, who went on to study structure, arrangement and the mechanics behind writing and producing, while paying particularly close attention to the revolutionary N.W.A. and their emergent “gangsta rap” sound.This effort came to fruition upon his arrival in Chattanooga in 1994, when he met DeWayne Holloway and Vibe Tribe Entertainment, an affiliation that would soon see him performing onstage for the first time at the M.T.S.U. music hall. 8 • The Pulse • september 5-11, 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com Between the Sleeves record reviews • ernie paik Brit Street Kids, Scot Indie Nerds Scratch your itch with Family Fodder or Belle and Sebastian online films, and it features vocalist Darlini Singh-Kaul, who is actually the daughter of original Family Fodder singer Dominique Levillain. The opener “Déjà Déjà Vu” sports an irrepressible momentum and quotes from an earlier song “He a r tbe at s” while channeling the kinetic energy of some of the group’s best numbers. There’s a pervasive Jamaican dub influence, heard on several tracks like “The Pain Won’t Go” and “Vampyre on My Mind,” featuring whispered spoken vocals, disorienting squeaks and synthetics and a reggae pulse—this writer goes back and forth between loving this song and thinking it’s completely ridiculous. The instrumental “Blue Puppies” suggests the mystery of a detective skulking about, with thumb piano textures, and “It’s 1965” is a cheeky dose of glam and psychedelic rock with indulgent guitar wailing. The percussion and accordion-enhanced “Sitting in a Puddle” is a highlight, with a restless attitude, and other moments transport the listener to some bizarro-world outdoor European café. It’s not a perfect album, but for Family Fodder fans, it scratches an itch no one else can. nce upon a time, the literate Scottish pop band Belle and Sebastian had perfected the EP as a recording format, with stand-alone 3-song or 4-song releases; these were appropriately sequenced with sensible song arcs, among them the career highlights Lazy Line Painter Jane and 3.. 6.. 9 Seconds of Light. As a sort of follow-up to the 2005 EP compilation Push Barman to Open Old Wounds, the new 1-CD, 2-LP collection The Third Eye Centre gathers bsides and miscellanea from the past decade. Honestly, it’s a bit of a lovely mess—the song sequences of the compiled EPs have been jumbled, and obsessive fans will be quick to note that it doesn’t include every non-album track since 2003’s Dear Catastrophe Waitress. In its first several years, Belle and Sebastian had been pigeonholed as music for rimmed-glasses-wearing, bookish, shy, camera-toting youngsters, but nevertheless, the band’s attention to song craft was remarkable; in the last decade, the group—perhaps feeling wanderlust or experiencing a fit of non-complacency—began to offer more diversions and experiments. Perhaps the most extreme example of this is the fan-favorite soul-disco number “Your Cover’s Blown,” presented here in a dance-enhanced remix by Miaoux Miaoux, which transforms itself multiple times over its six-minute duration. Globe-trotting selections include the samba-infused “Love on the March,” the Jamaican influenced “The Eighth Station of the Cross Kebab House,” an Afro-pop version of “I’m a Cuckoo” remixed by The Avalanches, the faux-spy-soundtrack instrumental “Passion Fruit,” and even a honky tonk number, “Stop, Look and Listen.” Crammed with oddities, The Third Eye Centre offers convenience for non-completists, and while the tracks here aren’t allowed to breathe in their own spaces in a less cluttered release format, song-for-song, this writer finds the collection more charming and satisfying than the last proper album, Write About Love. O Family Fodder Variety (state51 Conspiracy) Belle and Sebastian The Third Eye Centre (Matador) W ith all the excessive retro revivalism of recent memory, this writer is somewhat baffled by the fact that the British outfit Family Fodder, which began in the late-’70s post-punk era, still remains obscure. Alig Fodder is the group’s sole consistent member, and the band played like fearless children in the middle of the street, at the intersection of pop music and avant-garde soundlove. They rubbed elbows with similarly off-center groups like Flying Lizards and This Heat, and their music seems like the result of having to negotiate a million different intense tastes; rather than diluting the end output, this only seemed to magnify the proceedings and make them sound more unique. In a better world, they’d be enjoying number one hits, and if their animated, irresistible and somewhat nuts 1980 track “Savoir Faire” does nothing for you, then sorry, I can’t help you. Family Fodder’s latest album, Variety, is a mid-fidelity recording that accompanies a series of honest music local and regional shows Wed, Sep 4 Thu, Sep 5 Wed, Sep 11 Thu, Sep 12 9pm 9pm 9pm 9pm Jason & The Punknecks with Get Hot or Go Home [$5] Turchi with Radio Bird and Hot Damn [$5] Corey Murdock, Al Holbrook, John Taylor Haston Band [$5] Sick/Sea with the Mailboxes [$3] Sundays: Live Trivia 4-6pm, Followed by Live Music Sunday, Sep 15 - Acoustic Showcase Full food menu serving lunch and dinner. 11am-2am, 7 days a week. 35 Patten Parkway * 423.468.4192 thehonestpint.com * Facebook.com/thehonestpint chattanoogapulse.com • september 5-11, 2013 • The Pulse • 9 CHATTANOOGA LIVE MUSIC UPCOMING Chattanooga Live Scenic City Roots MUSIC CALENDAR The Scott Little Band PAPADOSIO OTT AN AMAZING NIGHT OF MUSIC! PAUL THORN JEFF COFFIN MU’TET WITH FUTUREMAN & FELIX PASTORIUS GREAT SONGWRITER, GREAT BAND! with ALIGNING MINDS and PAPER TIGER 14 FRI OCT 4 SAT OCT 5 SAT SEP THUrsday 09.05 Scenic City Roots 6 p.m. Track 29, 1400 Market St. (423) 521-2929, track29.co Jimmy Harris 7 p.m. The Coconut Room at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055, thepalmsathamilton.com The Loop 7 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad St. (423) 508-8956, sugarsribs.com Turchi, Radio Birds, Hot Damn 9 p.m. The Honest Pint, 35 Patten Pkwy. (423) 468-4192, thehonestpint.com Open Mic with Hap Henninger 9 p.m. The Office, 901 Carter St. (inside Days Inn), (423) 634-9191 The Djanganooga 9 p.m. Jack A's Chop Shop Saloon, 742 Ashland Ter. (423) 710-8739. jackaschopshopsaloon.com Moon Taxi, Black Taxi 9:30 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644, rhythm-brews.com friday 09.06 35th Annual Mountaineer Folk Festival All day, Fall Creek Falls, 2009 Village Camp Rd. Pikeville. fallcreekfalls.org Johnny Cash Tribute Show 5 p.m. Chattanooga Choo Choo Victorian Lounge, 1400 Market St. (423) 266-5000, choochoo.com Jimmy Harris 7 p.m. The Coconut Room at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055, thepalmsathamilton.com Brian Ashley Jones 7 p.m. The Foundry, 1201 Broad St. (423) 756-3400, chattanooganhotel.com. Caravan of Change 7:30 p.m. The Camp House, 1427 Williams St. (423) 702-8081, thecamphouse.com Wide Open Floor 8 p.m. Barking Legs Theater, 1307 Dodds Ave. 423) 624-5347, barkinglegs.org Caravan of Change Fundraiser 7:30 p.m. The Camp House, 1427 Williams St. (423) 702-8081, thecamphouse.com The Scott Little Band 8 p.m. Acoustic Café, 61 THU OCT 10 FRI OCT WED OCT UNKNOWN HINSON BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID! BAND OF HEATHENS TEXAS KICK BUTT ROCK & ROLL 11 30 1 9 ST. PAUL AND THE BROKEN BONES BEN BRIDWELL FROM BAND OF HORSES THE HOTTEST SHOW IN THE SOUTH! TUE NOV SAT NOV ALL SHOWS 21+ UNLESS OTHERWISE NOTED • NON-SMOKING VENUE HOT MUSIC • FINE BEER • GREAT FOOD BUY TICKETS ONLINE • RHYTHM-BREWS.COM 221 MARKET STREET RBC Dr., Ringgold, Ga. (706) 965-2065, ringgoldacoustic.com Here Come the Mummies 9 p.m. Track 29, 1400 Market St. (423) 521-2929, track29.co Leverage 9 p.m. SkyZoo, 5709 Lee Hwy. (423) 468-4533, skyzoochattanooga.com The Micks 9:30 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad St. (423) 508-8956, sugarsribs.com Kate & Corey 9 p.m. The Office, 901 Carter St. (inside Days Inn) (423) 634-9191 90 Proof 9 p.m. Jack A's Chop Shop Saloon, 742 Ashland Ter. (423) 710-8739, jackaschopshopsaloon.com DJ Bree-Z 9 p.m. Bart's Lakeshore, 5840 Lake Resort Terr. (423) 870-0777, bartslakeshore.com Zoso: The Ultimate Tribute to Led Zeppelin 10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644, rhythm-brews.com 3 and 20 10 p.m. Raw, 409 Market St. (423) 756-1919, facebook. com/raw.chattanooga Ragdoll Rocks Buds Sports Bar 10 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878, budssportsbar.com Mother of Pearl 10 p.m. T-Bones, 1419 Chestnut St. (423) 266-4240, tboneschattanooga.com saturday 09.07 35th Annual Mountaineer Folk Festival All day. Fall Creek Falls, 2009 Village Camp Rd. Pikeville. fallcreekfalls.org Johnny Cash Tribute Show 5 p.m. Chattanooga Choo Choo Victorian Lounge, 1400 Market St. (423) 266-5000, choochoo.com StarNight featuring Wilson Phillips 6 p.m. Chattanooga Convention Center, 1100 Carter St. (423) 649-2496, siskin.org Jimmy Harris 7 p.m. The Coconut Room at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055, thepalmsathamilton.com Seven Handle Circus 7 p.m. Riverfront Nights, 21st Century Waterfront Park. riverfrontnights.com Rosedale Remedy 7 p.m. Palms Patio at The 10 • The Pulse • september 5-11, 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com Chattanooga Live Brian Ashley Jones MUSIC CALENDAR John Lathim & Michelle Young 901 Carter St (Inside Days Inn) 423-634-9191 Thursday, September 5: 9pm Open Mic with Hap Henninger Friday, September 6: 9pm Kate & Corey Saturday, September 7: 10pm Kara-Ory-Oke Tuesday, September 10: 7pm Server/Hotel Appreciation Night $5 Pitchers $2 Wells $1.50 Domestics ● ● Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202 (423) 499-5055, thepalmsathamilton.com Brian Ashley Jones 7 p.m. The Foundry, 1201 Broad St. (423) 756-3400, chattanooganhotel.com SeXy Beast 8 p.m. Acoustic Café, 61 RBC Dr. Ringgold, Ga. (706) 965-2065, ringgoldacoustic.com Matthew Kahler 8 p.m. Charles and Myrtle’s Coffeehouse, 105 McBrien Rd. (423) 892-4960, christunity.org 90 Proof 9 p.m. SkyZoo, 5709 Lee Hwy. (423) 468-4533, skyzoochattanooga.com The Band Raven 9 p.m. Jack A's Chop Shop Saloon, 742 Ashland Ter. (423) 710-8739, jackaschopshopsaloon.com DJ Bree-Z 9 p.m. Bart's Lakeshore, 5840 Lake Resort Ter. (423) 870-0777, bartslakeshore.com The Micks 9:30 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad St. (423) 508-8956, sugarsribs.com Kara-Ory-Oke 10 p.m. The Office, 901 Carter St. (inside Days Inn) (423) 634-9191 Griz, State Trooper, Dollabill 10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644, rhythm-brews.com Five 40 10 p.m. Raw, 409 Market St. (423) 756-1919, facebook. com/raw.chattanooga Elise Davis 7 p.m. The Honest Pint, 35 Patten Pkwy. (423) 468-4192, thehonestpint.com monday 09.09 Big Band Night 7 p.m. The Coconut Room at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055, thepalmsathamilton.com Southside Casual Classics 7:30 p.m. The Camp House, 1427 Williams St. (423) 702-8081, thecamphouse.com Carbon Denominator, The Nim Nims, H-Beam, Skinny Ill 9 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400, jjsbohemia.com sunday 09.08 35th Annual Mountaineer Folk Festival All day, Fall Creek Falls, 2009 Village Camp Rd. Pikeville. fallcreekfalls.org Veronika Jackson 12:30 p.m. Chattanooga Market, First Tennessee Pavilion, 1829 Carter St. chattanoogamarket.com John Lathim & Michelle Young 2 p.m. Chattanooga Market, First Tennessee Pavilion, 1829 Carter St. chattanoogamarket.com Open Improv Jam 3 p.m. Barking Legs Theater, 1307 Dodds Ave. (423) 624-5347, barkinglegs.org Chattanooga Traditional Irish Music Session 5 p.m. Moccasin Bend Brewing Company, 4015 Tennessee Ave. (423) 821-6392, bendbrewingbeer.com TUESday 09.10 Tim Starnes & Friends 7 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad St. (423) 508-8956, sugarsribs.com (423) 499-5055, thepalmsathamilton.com Dan Sheffield 7 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad St. (423) 508-8956, sugarsribs.com Prime Cut House Band 8 p.m. The Lounge at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055, thepalmsathamilton.com Courtney Daly with Ivan Wilson 8 p.m. Acoustic Café, 61 RBC Dr., Ringgold, Ga. (706) 965-2065, ringgoldacoustic.com Carey Murdock, Al Holbrook, John Taylor Haston Band 9 p.m. The Honest Pint, 35 Patten Pkwy. (423) 468-4192, thehonestpint.com 2nFro & Frenz 9 p.m. Pokey’s Sports Bar, 918 Sahara Dr. Cleveland. (423) 476-6059 Rosco Bandana 9:30 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644, rhythm-brews.com All shows are free with dinner or 2 drinks! Stop by & check out our daily specials! Happy Hour: Mon-Fri: 4-7pm $1 10oz drafts, $3 32oz drafts, $2 Wells, $1.50 Domestics, Free Appetizers Facebook.com/theofﬁce.chatt Hot Music • Hot Times • Hot Food Smoke Free • 742 Ashland Terrace 5 Djangonooga FRI SEP 6 90 Proof SAT SEP 7 The Band Raven THU SEP 3P-7P • MON-FRI BIKE NIGHT EVERY HAPPY HOUR WEDNESDAY WEDNESDAY 09.11 Jimmy Harris 7 p.m. The Coconut Room at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. Map these locations on chattanoogapulse.com. Send event listings at least 10 days in advance to: calendar@ chattanoogapulse.com. (423) 710-8739 jackaschopshopsaloon.com chattanoogapulse.com • september 5-11, 2013 • The Pulse • 11 Giving Gluten the Boot Why are so many going gluten free? And should they? by Janis Hashe A book called Wheat Belly is on the New York Times bestseller list, focusing on claims that eating wheat is a health hazard. Early in August, the FDA released a new set of standards for the labeling of “gluten-free” products, which have soared in popularity—and profitability—partly due to increased knowledge about celiac disease, an autoimmune disease in which the body reacts to the gluten protein found in grains by attacking it, causing inflammation and a whole range of symptoms. How many Americans have celiac disease is in dispute. FDA figures put it at 3 million. B ut the desire to go gluten free now includes many others: People with Crohn’s disease and IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome), those who have self-diagnosed as being “gluten sensitive,” those who think it will aid weight loss, and those who believe, like the cardiologist who wrote Wheat Belly, that genetically modified wheat is simply unhealthful. David Katz, M.D., director of the Yale Prevention Research Center, published a 2011 Huffington Post article in which he wrote, “Studies based on blood kept in storage clearly indicate that actual rates of celiac disease have risen over recent decades, as much as four-fold in the past half a century. There is more to this story than better detection.” Yet Dr. Katz does not tout going gluten free as a magic bullet for all that ails ya, cautioning, “…it is still quite hard [to go fully gluten free], given the widespread use of gluten in packaged foods, under a wide variety of aliases. The effort is well justified for those who are truly glutensensitive, but potentially much ado about nothing for others just caught up in the trend.” But many people have found relief of ongoing symptoms by adopting a glutenfree diet, including those who have conditions other than celiac disease. Thirteen-year-old Errin Foster is the son of well-known local radio personality Eric Foster. When Errin was 11, he began repeatedly throwing up and losing weight. “One day, when he stepped out of the shower, I realized how much weight he had lost,” Foster recalls. “We immediately took him to a pediatrician, who diagnosed him with Crohn’s disease [an inflammatory bowel disease].” Errin was put on prednisone, a steroid that often causes a whole other set of symptoms. The Fosters wanted to find a different solution, so they found Dr. Youhonna Al-Tawil, director of East Tennessee Children’s Hospital Pediatric Gastroenterology and Nutrition Services. Besides prescribing Remicade, commonly used to treat Crohn’s, Dr. Al-Tawil suggested an almost gluten-free diet for Errin. Now the entire Foster family eats a nearly gluten-free diet. “Errin has to stay away from anything with seeds. Fast food is limited to some choices at Subway. And as a young man, that has been difficult at times,” says Foster. But, he says, Errin’s symptoms are now under control, and he has embraced his role as an educator about his condition. “And my wife and I also feel much healthier,” Foster says. Chattanooga State theatre arts professor Jeffrey Parker was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease when he was 18, and has been coping with the condition ever since. “The symptoms can be pretty serious. I have been on every regimen over the years,” he says. A theatre colleague introduced him to the Specific Carbohydrate Diet (SCD), created in the 1920s by Dr. Sidney V. Hass, and popularized by » P. 19 12 • The Pulse • september 5-11, 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com Where To Go Gluten Free Chattanooga’s restaurants offer increasing alternatives by Mike McJunkin If you’ve set foot inside a grocery store, farmer’s market or been within earshot of Gwyneth Paltrow in the past five years, then you’ve heard the phrase gluten free. You’d think that in a city like Chattanooga, where the majority of residents were weaned on buttermilk biscuits and red velvet cake, that such a high level of continued exposure would render most residents as immune to gluten intolerance as Miley Cyrus to criticism. But the Scenic City has its share of gluten-intolerant folks, and businesses offering gluten-free foods are showing up in every corner of the city. nformation about the medical and nutritional aspects of celiac disease and the various incarnations of gluten intolerance are easy to find (see “Giving Gluten the Boot” in this issue). But one aspect of gluten-free foods that is not discussed as freely is taste. If you’ve ever had the unfortunate experience of encountering mass-produced, low-quality, gluten-free bread or one of those circular affronts to humanity called a gluten-free bagel, then you may be under the impression that eating gluten free means tossing your taste buds under the bus. The absence of gluten can certainly have an effect on the taste and texture of many foods—but recent innovations prove it will take a lot more than a lifelong, inherited autoimmune condition to stop us from eating delicious cupcakes and crunchy baguettes. Gluten is a sticky protein that makes pizza dough stretchy, helps pasta hold together and works to trap gas within baked goods, giving them their light, airy structure. Baking or cooking without gluten’s assistance means finding substitutes that can provide those I stretchy, sticky, airy properties we all love, while maintaining the flavors we expect. A wide variety of gluten-free flours, starches and baking aids, such as xanthan gum, eggs, and rice flour can be used to produce high-quality baked goods and pasta—but taste and texture were a tragic casualty in many early attempts, often resulting in textures indistinguishable from the packaging they came in and aftertastes more bitter and off-putting than Taylor Swift fresh from a breakup. Now, however, there are gluten-free options appearing all over town that are almost indistinguishable from their gluteneous brethren. In the spirit of full disclosure, I must admit that I am not gluten intolerant. I can tolerate enough gluten to fill the stockroom at an Olive Garden. However, I do have a growing number of friends and family members that are, so I periodically find myself sampling gluten-free items that they always swear are “as good as the real thing.” Most of the time I politely smile and try not to react like Tom Hanks eating caviar, but there are times when good taste, good texture and gluten free all miraculously come together. Crave Cafe and Bakery's Turkey and Cranberry sandwich is a great example of how you can have a flavorful, quick, 100 percent gluten-free lunch. Tender roasted turkey, lettuce and tomato are piled on Crave's house-made bread and topped with their from-scratch cranberry sauce for a comfort food win. The folks at Crave have done a good job of creating gluten-free breads and baked goods that have excellent flavor and don't crumble like last year's fruitcake. The great news is they serve equally tasty breakfast, soups, salads and desserts that are all 100 percent gluten free. Places like Artisan Bakery in Hixson and the eateries at the Bluff View Arts District use their extensive knowledge and dedicated gluten-free spaces to produce some of the best GF breads and pastas you'll find anywhere. As a self-described carbonara aficionado, I was pleasantly surprised at the richness and creaminess of Tony's Pasta Shop and Trattoria's gluten-free spaghetti carbonara—and how it left no gritty aftertaste like so many » P. 19 chattanoogapulse.com • september 5-11, 2013 • The Pulse • 13 Arts All the Cats And Chicks Get Their Kicks At the Hop Janis Hashe Nonstop hopping happens Saturday Not too sure about “slop,” but you can definitely rock, roll and stroll at one of Chattanooga’s favorite art events, the annual AVA Gallery Hop. From 2 to 8 p.m. this Saturday, cats and chicks of all ages will be roaming the streets in search of the galleries and art studios on this year’s roster. Many top Hop destinations are back on the map, and, as usual, there are some new ones as well, says AVA’s Lauren Goforth. “Both Chattanooga Work Space and Open Press are new this year,” she said. Chattanooga Work Space, at 302 W. 6th Street, is a new collective artists’ studio, and Open Press, at 1271B Market Street, is a new print art collective. As usual, a number of galleries will be using the Hop to open new exhibits, including AVA with its always-anticipated FRESH Gallery Hop: Miki Boni Studios, 1611 Mitchell Avenue, Southside "Rhoda of the Dendrums" 40x 40 oil on canvas Well, you can rock it you can roll it You can slop and you can stroll it at the hop 14 • The Pulse • september 5-11, 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com (see sidebar for details). Meanwhile, a very popular feature introduced last year is back, says Goforth—the “Win An Instant Art Collection” drawing. “Each participating gallery, studio or space has donated either a piece of art or a gift certificate,” she explains. “Hoppers are given a ‘bingo card,’ and those who visit at least 10 stops qualify for the drawing.” Also back is the Hop brochure, which features a map and a description of each gallery and studio, and will be available at all participating galleries. This enables you to create your own route and ensures you don’t forget about that one place you really, really wanted to see. The Hop offers the rare chance for most folks to actually meet the artists, talk to them about their work, and in some cases, watch demos of their processes. This year’s Gallery Hop lineup includes: AVA, Artifact, Ate- lier 18, Art at the INCubator, Art Connections, Area 61, Chambliss' Art Connection, Chattanooga Workspace, Gallery 1401, Graffiti, H*ART Gallery, Ignis Glass, In-Town Gallery, Miki Boni Studio, Open Press, Plum Nelly, River Gallery, Shuptrine’s Gold Leaf Designs, Tanner Hill Gallery, Townsend Atelier, UTC Cress Gallery of Art and Winder Binder Gallery & Bookstore. More information: avagalleryhop.com/ » Chattanooga’s Legal Problem Solvers: 25 years of helping clients from all walks of life. Medical/professional malpractice, prescription drug claims, long term care claims, personal injury, and other legal cases. 100 Cherokee Blvd Ste 204 • Chattanooga, TN 37415 Alix Michel: (423) 602-9522 David Ward: (423) 602-9523 Goforth is also enthusiastic about this year’s FRESH Emerging Artist Exhibit, which opens the day of the Hop and will have its opening reception during that evening. FRESH showcases new primarily young artists “from throughout the Southeast,” she says. “As always, we have a great mix of types of work, both 3D and 2D, and this year, we are featuring drawings as well.” AVA continues to maintain its core commitment to supporting “young and emerging artists,” and FRESH allows this group to both show their work and gain important professional experience. The exhibit is juried, so only top new artists are selected each year. They do not have gallery repre- sentation and have not had solo shows, and for many, this will be the first time their work is widely seen—and for sale. “There are only a few pieces in the show that are not for sale,” Goforth says, meaning it’s a prime opportunity for collectors to find a promising newcomer. Among the artists featured are Chattanoogans Ken Herrin, Michelle Kimbrell, Turry Lindstrom and Stephen Nemecek, and from Collegedale, Marc Boyston. “FRESH: Emerging Artists Exhibit 2013,” AVA Gallery, 30 Frazier Ave. (423) 265-4282, avarts.org Opens Sept. 7, continues through Oct. 25. Work by Turry Lindstrom Work by Ariel Lavery chattanoogapulse.com • september 5-11, 2013 • The Pulse • 15 atop Lookout Mountain Arts & Entertainment EVENTS CALENDAR Etta May Wide Open Floor THUrsday 09.05 Painting Workshop: “Two Birds at Sunset” 7 p.m. Artsy-U, 5084 S. Terrace, East Ridge. (423) 321-2317, artsychattanooga.com Painting Workshop: Choose your “Owl Team” 7 p.m. Uptown Art, 2 Cherokee Blvd., Suite 100. (423) 602-8580, uptownart.com “The Tempest” 7:30 p.m. Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga, 5600 Brainerd Rd. (423) 602-8640, ensembletheatreofchattanooga.com Etta May 7:30 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233, thecomedycatch.com friday 09.06 The perfect place to take in the 7 states view at Rock City Gardens while feasting on delicious modern Southern cuisine. Seating available Thur.–Sun. 11am-4pm Local, Fresh, Seasonal for more info call 706.820.2531 See RockCity.com Pre-K Day: Fall Harvest 10 a.m. Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View Ave. (423) 267-0968, huntermuseum.org Painting Workshop: Daytime “Fruit” 2 p.m. Artsy-U, 5084 S. Terrace, East Ridge. (423) 321-2317, artsychattanooga.com Painting Workshop: “Sugar Skull” 7 p.m. Uptown Art, 2 Cherokee Blvd., Suite 100. (423) 602-8580, uptownart.com Painting Workshop: “Blue Forest” 7 p.m. Artsy-U, 5084 S. Terrace, East Ridge. (423) 321-2317, artsychattanooga.com Etta May 7:30 & 9:30 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233, thecomedycatch.com “The Tempest” 7:30 p.m. Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga, 5600 Brainerd Rd. (423) 602-8640, ensembletheatreofchattanooga.com Wide Open Floor 8 p.m. Barking Legs Theater, 1307 Dodds Ave. (423) 624-5347, barkinglegs.org “The Secret Garden” 8 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8538, theatrecentre.com Stand-up Comedy: Luke Francis Ashlocke 9:30 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839, funnydinner.com saturday 09.07 Tennessee Valley Railfest 10 a.m. - 4 p.m. Tennessee Valley Railroad Museum, 4119 Cromwell Rd. (423) 894-8028, tvrail.com Silk Painting Workshop 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. Townsend Atelier, 201 W. Main St. (423) 266-2712, townsendatelier.com River Market Yoga 10 a.m. Chattanooga River Market, Tennessee Aquarium Plaza, 1 Broad St. (423) 648-2496, chattanoogarivermarket.com Football at the Falls Noon - 6 p.m. Ruby Falls, 1720 S. Scenic Hwy. (423) 821-254, rubyfalls.com Doggie Paddle Pool Party Noon - 3 p.m. Warner Park Pool, 1254 East Third St. mckameyanimalcenter.org Georgia Winery: 30th Anniversary Party 2 p.m. - 7 p.m. Georgia Winery, 6469 Battlefield Pkwy, Ringgold, GA. (706) 937-WINE, Georgiawines.com “The Secret Garden” 2, 8 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8538, theatrecentre.com Chattanooga Cruise-In 2 p.m. Coker Tire Company, 1317 Chestnut St. (423) 265-6368, chattanoogacruise-in.com AVA’s 7th Annual Gallery Hop 2 p.m. - 8 p.m. Galleries in the Chattanooga area. avagalleryhop.com Roll, Stroll, & Ride 4 p.m. - 7 p.m. Mystery Dog Ranch, 975 Wooten Rd. (423) 778-2222, boehmbdc.com Siskin Children’s Institute’s StarNight 2013 6 p.m. Chattanooga Convention Center, 1100 Carter St. (423) 649-2496, siskin.org Painting Workshop: “Flip Flop Beach” 7 p.m. Artsy-U, 5084 S. Terrace, East Ridge. (423) 321-2317, artsychattanooga.com Painting Workshop: “Elephant” 7 p.m. Uptown Art, 2 Cherokee Blvd., Suite 100 (423) 602-8580, uptownart.com “The Tempest” 7:30 p.m. Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga, 5600 Brainerd Rd. (423) 602-8640, ensembletheatreofchattanooga.com CSO/Black Jacket Symphony: “Some Girls” 8 p.m. Tivoli Theater, 709 Broad St. (423) 267-8583, chattanoogasymphony.org MES Presents: “Computer Chess” 8:30 p.m. Barking Legs Theater, 1307 Dodds Ave. (423) 624-5347, barkinglegs.org Etta May 7:30 & 9:30 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233, thecomedycatch.com Stand-up Comedy: Luke Francis Ashlocke 10:30 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 16 • The Pulse • september 5-11, 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com Arts & Entertainment EVENTS CALENDAR "The Tempest" Harvest Festival 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839, funnydinner.com sunday 09.08 Harvest Run 8K 7 a.m. First Tennessee Pavilion, 1829 Carter St. chattanoogamarket.com Harvest Festival 11 a.m. - 4 p.m. Chattanooga Market, First Tennessee Pavilion, 1829 Carter St. chattanoogamarket.com Tennessee Valley Railfest 10 a.m. - 4 p.m. Tennessee Valley Railroad Museum, 4119 Cromwell Rd. (423) 894-8028, tvrail.com Football at the Falls Noon - 6 p.m. Ruby Falls, 1720 S. Scenic Hwy. (423) 821-254, rubyfalls.com “The Tempest” 2:30 p.m. Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga, 5600 Brainerd Rd. (423) 602-8640, ensembletheatreofchattanooga.com Painting Workshop: “Funky Owls” 4 p.m. Uptown Art, 2 Cherokee Blvd., Suite 100. (423) 602-8580, uptownart.com Painting Workshop: “Dirt Road” 7 p.m. Artsy-U, 5084 S. Terrace, East Ridge. (423) 321-2317, artsychattanooga.com Benefit for Christy Eidson 7:30 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233, thecomedycatch.com Open Improv Jam 8 p.m. Barking Legs Theater, 1307 Dodds Ave. (423) 624-5347, barkinglegs.org Stand-up Comedy: Luke Francis Ashlocke 10:30 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St., (423) 517-1839, funnydinner.com (423) 602-8580, uptownart.com Painting Workshop: “Second Base” 7 p.m. Artsy-U, 5084 S. Terrace, East Ridge. (423) 321-2317, artsychattanooga.com Comedy: Friendship Explosion from Nashville 9 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400, jjsbohemia.com wednesday 09.11 Painting Workshop: Spirit Wednesday - “Roll Tide!” 7 p.m. Uptown Art, 2 Cherokee Blvd., Suite 100. (423) 602-8580, uptownart.com Painting Workshop: “Watermelon” 7 p.m. Artsy-U, 5084 S. Terrace, (423) 321-2317, artsychattanooga.com monday 09.09 Painting Workshop: “American Safari” Family Night 5:30 p.m. Artsy-U, 5084 S. Terrace, East Ridge. (423) 321-2317, artsychattanooga.com Painting Workshop: “Funky Flowers” 7 p.m. Uptown Art, 2 Cherokee Blvd., Suite 100. (423) 602-8580, uptownart.com on going Magic Tree House traveling exhibit 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. Mon-Sun. Creative Discovery Museum, 321 Chestnut St. (423) 756-2738, cdmfun.org “Whitfield Lovell: Deep River” 10 a.m. - 8 p.m. Thur., 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. Fri.-Sat, Noon - 5 p.m. Sun. Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View Ave. (423) 267-0968, huntermuseum.org tuesday 09.10 Painting Workshop: Art After School “Puppy Love” 4 p.m. Uptown Art, 2 Cherokee Blvd., Suite 100. (423) 602-8580, uptownart.com Painting Workshop: “Fleur de Lis” 7 p.m. Uptown Art, 2 Cherokee Blvd., Suite 100. “Journeys” 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. Mon-Sat, 1 p.m. - 5 p.m. Sun. River Gallery, 400 E. 2nd St. (423) 265-5033, river-gallery.com “Iconic Chattanooga” 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. Mon-Fri. Reflection Gallery, 6922 Lee Hwy. (423) 892-3072, reflectionsgalleryTN.com For All The World To See: Visual Culture and The Struggle for Civil Rights 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. MonFri., noon- 4 p.m. Sat. Bessie Smith Cultural Center, 200 E. Martin Luther King Blvd. (423) 266-8658, bessiesmithcc.org “FRESH” 11 a.m. - 5 p.m. Tues.Sat. AVA Gallery, 30 Frazier Ave. (423) 265-4282, avarts.org “Jennie Kirkpatrick: Flavor of the Market” 11 a.m. - 6 p.m., Mon-Sat, 1 p.m. - 5 p.m. Sun. In-Town Gallery, 26A Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9214, intowngallery.com Rock City Raptors 11 a.m. - 3 p.m. Fri-Sat, Rock City, 1400 Patten Rd., Lookout Mtn, Ga. seerockcity.com Named “One of the Ten Most Incredible Cave Waterfalls on Earth” World Reviewer 423.821.2544 RubyFalls.com OPEN DAILY! NEW FOR 2013: Climbing Tower & ZIP Ride! Aerial Adventure. Map these locations on chattanoogapulse.com. Send event listings at least 10 days in advance to: calendar@ chattanoogapulse.com. 423.821.2544 RubyFallsZip.com chattanoogapulse.com • september 5-11, 2013 • The Pulse • 17 Screen john devore Local Y ucks On Y ouTube Evatt & Bloom releases collaborative comedy sketches In the time I’ve lived in Chattanooga, the arts scene has increasingly become deeper and more diverse. When I was in college, there were only a handful of live music venues, mostly featuring Southern rock cover bands or adolescent punk. Movies were devoutly multiplex experiences, featuring only the latest Hollywood vehicles for Johnny Depp or Adam Sandler. Strictly speaking, there wasn’t a lot that featured any real artistic merit. But then things began to change—more music venues opened, real artists started appearing in town, and a genuine indie movie scene started to form. Now, Chattanooga can boasts acts like Sara Bareilles and we can see films by Terrence Malick. Joel Ruiz, creator of Evatt & Bloom Productions, hopes to do the same with for comedy in Chattanooga. His most recent project is a collection of short comedy sketches, featuring local actors and film production, which will be released every Monday through the end of September on their YouTube Channel. “The comedy scene has grown immensely in the last four years,” Ruiz says.“I started to run a comedy show out of JJ’s four years ago that has turned into two different monthly showcases: Friendship Explosion [bringing in regional comics from around the Southeast], and the Comedy Buffet [bringing national touring headliners] along with a weekly open mic every Wednesday at JJ’s Bohemia.” Ruiz continues, “I feel the change has come with the resurgence of stand-up in pop culture, as well as the access to standup. For the longest time, there was only place to see stand-up in town, and they cater to a certain stand-up audience. We try and bring comics from all styles of stand-up with one reccurring theme—they are funny.” Like the music and film scenes before it, the key to developing comedy in Chattanooga is to create an environment that is attractive to comedians. Ruiz and company have brought major names in comedy to Chattanooga during the past four years, such as Doug Stanhope and James Adomian. These type of events show that there is a receptive and eager audience for comedy in Chattanooga, which will only serve to boost the emerging comedy scene. The sketch pieces are a new direction for Evatt & Bloom, one that utilizes a solid set of collaborators in the local film community. “I am a Chattanooga native,” Ruiz says, “so I wanted to help grow the film and comedy scene with these sketches. I love to see this town grow every week with great shows and events others put on. I feel with each new show someone puts on, it makes more people want to come here. We do a lot of work with Mise En Scenesters and 423 Bragging Rights, two other locally based companies. The film and comedy scene could very easily grow together, and I hope that is what results from this.” The first sketch features local actors Lora Chatman and Stephen Carignan in an amusing routine about text messaging. All of the sketches are written and directed by Ruiz, with talent being drawn from organizations like Theater For the New South “ His most recent project is a collection of short comedy sketches, featuring local actors and film production, which will be released every Monday through the end of September on their YouTube Channel. and Mise En Scenesters. The first sketch appeared on August 26, and a new one will be released every Monday until September 23. Comedy is likely the most difficult of art forms. Laughter tends be rooted in surprise, in the un- expected, and people come to stand-up shows expecting to laugh. That expectation can be an obstacle for the comedian. The difficulty lies in overcoming the audience’s preconceptions about the show, and encouraging them to set aside expectation in the hopes of delivering an honest experience. Ruiz has shown in his first sketch that he and his production company are emerging talents in the field and should be watched closely. It’s a good time to be a comedy fan in Chattanooga. More information on Evatt & Bloom can be found on Facebook: facebook.com/EvattBloom Upcoming comedy shows: • Sept. 10: Friendship Explosion (Nashville) • Sept. 24: Comedy Buffet with Shane Mauss and Joe DeRosa • Sept 25: Comedy Open Mic featuring Ben Kronberg (New York) • Oct. 1: Comedy Buffet with Derek Sheen, Bryan Cook and Heather Thomson • Oct. 15: Friendship Explosion (Athens, GA) MORE MONEY FOR YOUR GOLD CHATTANOOGA’S #1 GOLD BUYER wants to give you MONEY for your jewelry! Get paid TOP-DOLLAR just like Rick’s thousands of satisfied customers! WWW.RICKDAVISGOLDANDDIAMONDS.COM RICK DAVIS GOLD & DIAMONDS 5301 Brainerd Rd at McBrien Rd • 423.499.9162 18 • The Pulse • september 5-11, 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com « P. 12 the 1994 book Breaking the Vicious Cycle by biochemist Elaine Gottschalk. SCD, which is gluten free, also restricts many other types of foods. “It’s essentially a two-year plan. After that, you can try reintroducing certain foods,” says Parker. “So far, I have found it to be incredibly effective.” The idea is to give the body time to heal itself and “detox,” he explains. “I feel better than I have in years.” (It’s worth noting that many doctors remain suspicious of the SCD, and many people find the diet’s restrictions too onerous.) « P. 13 GF pastas do. These are certainly not the only restaurants and bakeries in town offering gluten-free items, and they are far from the only ones producing flavorful and pleasantly textured GF food. Restaurants such as 212 Market, Lupi’s, Good Dog and Mellow Mushroom do a superb job of being gluten-free friendly, Chefs in most of the locally owned, fine-dining restaurants around town can create or adjust dishes to accommodate glutenfree diners. If you prefer a Pioneer Mom approach, you can buy everything you’ll ever need to make your own gluten-free grub at the well-stocked Mimi's Low Carb Market in Hixson. If you are one of the thousands of Chattanoogans with celiac or Crohn’s disease, or are gluten intolerant, you no longer have to just order a salad or suffer the indignity of eating a bowl of what appears to be shredded cardboard posing as pasta or sandwiches made on dry, flavorless slices of old carpet backing. Gluten free can be delicious , too! • Crave Cafe and Bakery 1110 Market St. (423) 531-1060 • Artisan Bakery 5228 Hixson Pike. (423) 876-1922 • Bluff View Arts District Restaurants 411 E. 2nd St. (423) 265-5033 • 212 Market 212 Market St. (423) 265-1212 • Lupi’s Pizza Downtown 406 Broad St. (423) 266-5874 • Lupi’s Pizza East Brainerd 1414 Jenkins Rd. (423) 855-4104 • Lupi’s Pizza Hixson 5504 Hixson Pike (423) 847-3700 • Good Dog 34 Frazier Ave. (423) 475-6175 • Mellow Mushroom Downtown 205 Broad St. (423) 266-5564 • Mellow Mushroom Waterside 2318 Lifestyle Way (423) 468-3737 “A MOTHER, A DAUGHTER, A SISTER, A WIFE...” In 2007, local graphics designer Robin Seaman began noticing skin and joint problems and “foggyheadedness.” A cousin suggested she try removing certain foods from her diet, and she did, for a year. “When I began adding foods back in, especially ones with wheat, the symptoms began to return,” she says. “I didn’t associate it specifically with gluten.” Then, last Christmas, when she was making a family-tradition braided bread, her hands “started to feel like they were on fire.” She immediately cut out all foods with wheat gluten. “I have not been diagnosed with celiac disease,” she says, “but I have gluten intolerance.” Like Foster and Parker, Seaman notes that it’s now far easier for those trying to avoid gluten to eat out and find products in mainstream grocery stores. “For example,” she says, “5 Guys Burgers and Fries is very careful to avoid cross-contamination. I can eat fish tacos, and there are sushi restaurants now that have gluten-free soy sauce. More and more restaurants have gluten-free menus or items on their regular menus that are gluten free.” 75% of every dollar raised by the Chattanooga Affiliate of Susan G. Komen® stays in Chattanooga and North Georgia to fund vital education, screening, reatment and support services. 25% Is contributed to National Komen for the Cure® Award and Research Grant Program so that we can have a world without breast cancer in the future. to start a team, join a team, or as an individual. chattanoogapulse.com • september 5-11, 2013 • The Pulse • 19 komenchattanooga.org Register online at Free Will Astrology VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): In his “Song of the Open Road,” Walt Whitman wrote some lyrics that I hope will provide you with just the right spark. Even if you’re not embarking on a literal journey along a big wide highway, my guess is that you are at least going to do the metaphorical equivalent. “Henceforth I ask not good fortune—I myself am good fortune,” said Uncle Walt. “Henceforth I whimper no more, postpone no more, need nothing. Strong and content, I travel the open road.” LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Mystical poet St. John of the Cross (1542-1591) was one of Spain’s greatest writers. But not all of his work came easily. When he was 35, a rival religious group imprisoned him for his mildly heretical ideas. He spent the next nine months in a ten-foot by six-foot jail cell, where he was starved, beaten, and tortured. It was there that he composed his most renowned poem, “Spiritual Canticle.” Does that provide you with any inspiration, Libra? I’ll make a wild guess and speculate that maybe you’re in a tough situation yourself right now. It’s not even one percent as tough as St. John’s, though. If he could squeeze some brilliance out of his predicament, you can, too. SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): The American naturalist John Burroughs (1837-1921) traveled widely and wrote 23 books. “I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think,” he testified, “all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see.” Let’s make that longing for abundance serve as your rallying cry during the next two weeks, Scorpio. According to my analysis of the astrological omens, you have a cosmic mandate to push to the limits—and sometimes beyond—as you satisfy your quest to be, see, and do everything you love to be, see, and do. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Punk icon Henry Rollins did an interview with Marilyn Manson, rock and roll’s master of the grotesque. It’s on Youtube. The comments section beneath the video are rife with spite and bile directed toward Manson, driving one fan to defend her hero. “I love Marilyn Manson so much that I could puke rainbows,” she testified. I think you will need to tap rob brezsny damaging the art. Let this be a cautionary tale, Aquarius. It’s important for you to appreciate and learn from the messy stuff in your life—even admire its artistry—and not just assume it all needs to be scoured and disinfected. PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): In her novel White Oleander, Janet Fitch suggests that beauty is something to be used, “like a hammer or a key.” That’s your assignment, Pisces. Find practical ways to make your beauty work for you. For example, invoke it to help you win friends and influence people. Put it into action to drum up new opportunities and hunt down provocative invitations. And don’t tell me you possess insufficient beauty to accomplish these things. I guarantee you that you have more than enough. To understand why I’m so sure, you may have to shed some ugly definitions of beauty you’ve unconsciously absorbed from our warped culture. ARIES (March 21-April 19): “No regrets? Really?” asks author Richard Power. “I have regrets. They are sacred to me. They inform my character. They bear witness to my evolution. Glimpses of lost love and treasure are held inside of them; like small beautiful creatures suspended in amber.” I think you can see where this horoscope is going, Aries. I’m going to suggest you do what Powers advises: “Do not avoid your regrets. Embrace them. Listen to their stories. Hold them to your heart when you want to remember the price you paid to become who you truly are.” (Find more by Richard Power here: tinyurl.com/RichardPower.) TAURUS (April 20-May 20):Urbandictionary.com says that the newly coined word “orgasnom” is what you call the ecstatic feelings you have as you eat especially delectable food. It’s derived, of course, from the word “orgasm.” According to my reading of the astrological omens, you are in an excellent position to have a number of orgasmiclike breakthroughs in the coming week. Orgasnoms are certainly among them, but also orgasaurals, orgasights, and orgasversations— in other words, deep thrills resulting from blissful sounds, rapturous visions, and exciting conversations. I won’t be surprised if you also experience several other kinds of beautiful delirium. GEMINI (May 21-June 20): If you were about to run in a long-distance race, you wouldn’t eat a dozen doughnuts. Right? If you were planning to leave your native land and spend a year living in Ethiopia, you wouldn’t immerse yourself in learning how to speak Chinese in the month before you departed. Right? In that spirit, I hope you’ll be smart about the preparations you make in the coming weeks. This will be a time to prime yourself for the adventures in self-expression that will bloom in late September and the month of October. What is it you want to create at that time? What would you like to show the world about yourself? CANCER (June 21-July 22): he Constitution of the United States is the supreme law of the land. It’s the foundation of the most politically powerful nation on the planet. And yet when it originally went into effect in 1789, it was only 4,543 words long—about three times the length of this horoscope column. The Bill of Rights, enacted in 1791, added a mere 462 words. By contrast, India’s Constitution is 117,000 words, more than 20 times longer. If you create a new master plan for yourself in the coming months, Cancerian—as I hope you will—a compact version like America’s will be exactly right. You need diamond-like lucidity, not sprawling guesswork. LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): There are two scientific terms for tickling. “Knismesis” refers to a soft, feathery touch that may be mildly pleasurable. It can be used to display adoring tenderness. The heavier, deeper kind of tickling is called “gargalesis.” If playfully applied to sensitive parts of the anatomy, it can provoke fun and laughter. Given the current planetary alignments, Leo, I conclude that both of these will be rich metaphors for you in the coming days. I suggest that you be extra alert for opportunities to symbolically tickle and be tickled. (P.S. Here’s a useful allegory: If you do the knismesis thing beneath the snout of a great white shark, you can hypnotize it.) Homework: If you could make money from doing exactly what you love to do, what would it be? Testify at Freewillastrology.com. ™ ART CLASSES & WORKSHOPS Oil Painting Watercolor Drawing Sculpture Printmaking into that kind of love in the coming days, Sagittarius: fierce, intense, and devotional, and yet also playful, funny, and exhilarating. You don’t necessarily have to puke rainbows, however. Maybe you could merely spit them. CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): If you want to know a secret, I talk less crazy to you Capricorns than I do to the other signs. I tone down my wild-eyed, goddess-drunk shapeshifting a bit. I rarely exhort you to don an animal costume and dance with the fairy folk in the woods, and I think the last time I suggested that you fall in love with an alien, angel, or deity was...never. So what’s my problem? Don’t you feel taboo urges and illicit impulses now and then? Isn’t it true that like everyone else, you periodically need to slip away from your habitual grooves and tamper with the conventional wisdom? Of course you do. Which is why I hereby repeal my excessive caution. Get out there, Capricorn, and be as uninhibited as you dare. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Germany’s Ostwall Museum displayed a conceptual installation by the artist Martin Kippenberger. Valued at $1.1 million, it was called “When It Starts Dripping from the Ceiling.” Part of it was composed of a rubber tub that was painted to appear as if it had once held dirty rainwater. One night while the museum was closed, a new janitor came in to tidy up the premises. While performing her tasks, she scrubbed the rubber tub until it was “clean,” thereby 201 West Main Street Chattanooga, TN 423.266.2712 Check our website for updates & new class schedules townsendatelier.com m 20 • The Pulse • september 5-11, 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com Jonesin’ Crossword matt jones “Mouthpieces”--take this oral exam. Across 1 Baylor University city 5 Far from slack 9 Surgeon on daytime TV 13 Airline that flies to Tel Aviv 14 Nintendo franchise 15 Awfully bloody 16 “Brave New World” drug 17 Place where cuts are part of the profit 18 Bad sign, maybe 19 “Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots” band 22 Roosted 23 Dye family 24 Box cover 25 Uplifting company? 27 Brit’s submachine gun 29 Chiding sound 32 It’s made with a lot of folding and chewing 36 India.___ who covered “Imagine” 37 DMV issuance 38 Flight org. (anagram of CIAO) 39 Item for an exhaustive search, so to speak 44 Gave grub to 45 Woody Allen animated film 46 Big name on 5th Avenue 47 “Crouching Tiger” director Lee 48 Work undercover 49 Modest shelter 52 “Unique New York” and “Cinnamon aluminum linoleum” 57 Albert of sportscasts 58 Aquarium buildup 59 Exile for Napoleon 60 50% of sechs 61 Cowboy’s controls 62 Banned fruit spray 63 “How ___ is that?” 64 Dict. entries 65 Some employee data, for short Down 1 Bridge positions 2 Hawaii, the ___ State 3 Was thought of 4 “Lemony Snicket” evil count 5 “I love you,” in a telenovela 6 “You’re ___ Need to Get By” 7 Japanese wheat noodle 8 Knotty sort? 9 iPhone rival 10 Access for a wheelchair 11 Galena and bauxite, for two 12 Kind of Buddhism 14 Gabor who slapped a cop 20 Villain’s den 21 “The Mod Squad” role 26 Oh-so-precious 27 1972 Olympics star Mark 28 Texas or Georgia follower 29 They may be crunchy or soft 30 “The King and I” country 31 Drawer handle 32 Big fishhook 33 “Ugly Betty” actor Michael 34 Piece of land 35 The ___ from French Lick (Larry Bird) 40 Orange drink on some of Portland’s Voodoo Doughnuts 41 Vigilant against attack 42 Catches sight of 43 Weekly septet 47 Blacksmith’s block 48 Gift on the seventh day of Christmas 50 Citified 51 1917 marked their end 52 Hawaiian root 53 Cookie that can be “Double Stuf” 54 “Waiting for the Robert ___” 55 “At last, the weekend!” 56 Afternoon social activities 57 1600, to Caesar Fudge! 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Must be 18+ to call. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle No. 0639 (Next to Gi Gi’s Cupcakes) T H E T E N N E S S S E E V A L L Efor Yonly ’ S AUTOMOTIVE Car, Truck, Boat, Motorcycle or RV WWW.CPR-STORES.COM/CHATTANOOGA M OST P OW E R F U L SHOPPING TOOL ChattanoogaHasCars.com chattanoogapulse.com • september 5-11, 2013 • The Pulse • 21 TH E TEN N ESSSEE VALLE Y ’ S AUTOMOTIVE M OST P OW E R F U L SHOPPING TOOL Irony In Armor On the Beat alex teach S oldiers and cops have historically had two things in common: Shitty pay and the risk of perforation. Throughout history (civilized history, that is) they have existed, and not by coincidence, for there would be no civilization without them. wondering if some nimrod northern Iranian Elamite was going to come in and pelt him with stones or feces or whatever they used on the “street” (dusty trail?) back then. I find the parallel comforting, yet disturbing at the same time… but I digress. To avoid this, soldiers used thick animal skins for leather armor, and in countries where animals were scarce and armies large, they used thick woven reeds. (Yup: grass armor.) Wooden shields would supplement this, then metal armor became the choice where available, made famous by the Greeks and Romans, and the knights of the Middle Ages. Firearms changed this, of course, and the body-armor industry effectively started over when a very clever chick named Stephanie Kwolek was let out of the kitchen in 1965 just long RAW PARTY , REDEFINED. 22 • The Pulse • september 5-11, 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com From the Sumerians to the Indus…the Aegeans to the Chinese (to their present Dirty-Ass Commie credit, the longest consistent civilization in the human story), the Romans to Lookout Mountain…they’ve all had armies for national (external) defense, and cops for civil (internal) order. And the entire lot of them have spent the last 5,100 freakin’ years with rotten bastards trying to poke holes in them with items ranging from pointy rocks to the good ol’ seven-six-two millimeter 148-grain full-metal jacket. Just imagine: Just as I now sip coffee leaning against the edge of a counter in a Kangaroo gas station wondering if some crackhead son-of-a-bitch is going to come in and spray the place with a MAC-10, some poor Sumerian bastard once had to lean against a rock or slave while sipping on fermented berries and honey, enough, apparently, to develop “Kevlar” for the DuPont Corporation, by spinning fiber from liquid crystalline solutions. (This was specifically mentioned for later reference.) Until this point in life, I thought the only dangerous chick from the ’60s was the one that ran over the guy’s foot in the office with a John Deere lawnmower in an episode of “Mad Men,” but I totally stand corrected. It was originally intended to replace steel belting in vehicle tires, but 10 years later, it was field tested with cops as armor, and that’s where the pulse of modern ballistic protection started beating. And now in 2013, it’s skipped a beat. Literally. Scientists, probably men due to the nature of the investigation, have known for years that spider silk is generally about five times stronger than steel and seven times stronger than Kevlar. It’s also more flexible, despite its size and weight, particularly for something that goes from a soft goo in the gut of a spider to the solid thread it becomes when it leaves its body. Its key is its elasticity; just as Kevlar stretches to allow dispersal of the energy of a bullet, so does a spider’s thread distribute the stress if an impact to the same effect, yet with greater capacity than that lucky chick’s work for DuPont. But the difference? DuPont is a multi-national conglomerate, while spiders are the very bastions of Evil on this Earth, scientifically established to climb up our bodies and with sharp fangs plant egg sacks in our necks, which will inevitably erupt in a burst of baby spiders, which will swarm our bodies and begin the cycle anew. Scientists know this shit, folks. Why aren’t you onboard? Smart people since the beginning of time (time pre-dating “civilized” societies) have had the freakin’ common sense to stomp on the dirty sons-of-bitches or throw heavy things at them on first sight, but now that we’ve discovered an advantage, those same smart people are now trying to crack the genome profile of spider silk to synthesize the silk-making protein, and devising mass-manufacture methods to produce it in volume. Tomato plants (via seeds), bacteria, yeast, and even goats have been used as genetic vehicles. Silkworms are the newest vehicle for mass production, and while it’s affected the way I view ketchup, veal and bread in day-to-day life, that is now beside the point. You see, scientific efforts have recently been redoubled with the discovery of a new spider in 2010 on the island of Madagascar (known as Darwin’s Bark Spider, or C. darwini) that spins a web of nearly 2.8 square meters in diameter, with anchor strands of up to 75 feet in length that are up to 10 times stronger than Kevlar. The biggest spider webs in the world. (Shudder.) Never mind this feat of biological engineering; think of the poor bastard that was in or near a river and discovered that sumbitch of a spider web nearly nine feet in diameter across the waterway. It isn’t the advancement in armor that would have come to my mind, but rather a practical way to incinerate that entire island regardless of its diverse and unique life, just to be sure that shit didn’t escape and make landfall somewhere. Didn’t he see a single “Alien” movie? Five thousand, one hundred years of advancement, and we’re using spiders for body armor production. Kind of puts things into perspective, doesn’t it? It does for the poor bastard soldier and cop, anyway…but it beats grass reeds and chains, I suppose. Here’s to “Civilization.” And an end to people trying to poke stuff into cops and soldiers … because if we’re down to spiders for protection, should we even really be here? LIVE MUSIC & DJs EVERY WEEKEND FRIDAY • SEPTEMBER 6 3 and 20 $1 beer 10-11pm SATURDAY • SEPTEMBER 7 Five 40 $1 beer 10-11pm LIVE MUSIC STARTS @ 10:30pm FRIDAY & SATURDAY NIGHTS DJ REGGIE REG 2nd Floor 9:30pm-3am FRIDAY & SATURDAY NIGHTS TWO FLOORS • ONE BIG PARTY • LIVE MUSIC • DANCING • 409 MARKET ST • 423.756.1919 open 7 days a week » full menu until 2am » 21+ » smoking allowed Next week in Chattanooga’s Weekly Alternative Cody Maxwell returns to Patten Towers three years after he first passed the doors of the city’s troubled housing highrise... to learn if anything has changed. chattanoogapulse.com • september 5-11, 2013 • The Pulse • 23 FREE PREVIEW WEEKEND! SEPTEMBER 6-9 Catch the season 4 premiere of Boardwalk Empire 9/8/13 at 9PM on HBO as part of this free preview! Check out 38 channels plus Video On Demand. These offers exclusively for subscribers of Fi TV Gold.