Toi Magazine Official Print of Dec/Jan 2019

M A G A Z I N E DEC/JAN 2018/19 ISSUE 14

WHAT IS SELF-LOVE TO YOU?

MEAGEN HARRIMAN, LISA DUTCHAK, &

DR. JULIE GROVEMAN SHARE THEIR JOURNEY TOWARDS SELF-LOVE

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TABLE OF CONTENTS Self-Love: Dr.Julie Groveman Lisa Dutchak Meagen Harriman

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About Dr. Julie Julie Groveman is a clinical psychologist in New York that has a strong love for nature, photography, and family & friends.

She was born and raised in New York and is currently practicing psychotherapy in Manhattan. www.askdocjulie.com @askdoctorjulie

DR.JULIE

A CONTINUOUS

Journey The Start of a Continuous Journey My self-love journey took off as a result of feeling very frustratedtired of my fears, and after I finally admitted that I wanted more for myself. I acknowledged that I didn’t feel satisfied with how things were going and I imagined that if I kept avoiding, it was likely that fears would continue to limit me. I made moves towards self-love every time I took a little (and scary) step outside of my comfort zone.

I started to intentionally put myself in uncomfortable situations. For example, I felt extremely nervous at the thought of giving presentations, and so I signed up for an Intro to Public Speaking course at a community college while I was in high school. This experience helped me to gradually face my fears in a supportive setting. Every time I survived an anxiety-provoking situation, my confidence grew a little bit.

After college, the decision to move across the country (from Boston to San Francisco) for graduate school

was a risk that signified the beginning of listening to my gut and totally trusting my intuition. As with any significant unfamiliar transition, self-doubt crept in every so often; however, I found healthy ways to work through it such as mindfulness in nature and meditation. My courage grew as a result of building a life for myself in a new city, coupled with continuing to place myself in situations that were uncomfortable.

To become a clinical psychologist I needed to fulfill a requirement to complete a certain number of hours of my own psychotherapy.

Engaging in the therapy experience, while being open and vulnerable, was extremely powerful in helping to build and strengthen my self-love. It was through the process of exploring, with a compassionate and nonjudgmental therapist that I was able to identify self-limiting beliefs, reflect on the ways in which my early experiences may have contributed to low self-confidence, and to begin to actively work through issues that blocked me from where I wanted to be.

During my time in San Francisco, I joined a co-ed soccer team which helped me to care less and less about my physical appearance.

Previously, I’d been very selfconscious about how flushed my face would become anytime I was anxious or after physical exercise, and so this offered an exposure opportunity. Because I really enjoyed playing soccer, and it regularly made me totally sweaty and red-faced, I began to accept and embrace parts of myself in a new light.

Self-Love in the Past Since as far back as I can remember, I’ve been very aware and sensitive. As a teen, I placed a lot of value on what others thought about me, and was overly concerned with trying to please others, especially in romantic relationships. Unfortunately, as many females do, I struggled with self-consciousness and had difficulties with fully accepting my body.

My experience with anxiety as a teen blocked me from feeling comfortable in my own skin and

made it difficult for me to feel free to show up in certain situations.

This discomfort resulted in avoidance behaviors. It was a vicious cycle related to trying to hide perceived flaws, such as blushing or “looking nervous” in front of others.

A lack of self-love also looked like generally focusing too much on my physical appearance, relying on external reassurance to help me make important decisions versus listening to and trusting my own feelings (thus I ignored my intuition). I also had difficulty with communicating directly or speaking up for my needs in relationships.

Self-Reflection I’ve learned that the human journey to self-love is continuous and non-linear. It’s been very healing and humbling to share about my past experiences. Fears become stronger in silence. When you put words to what you’re feeling, it dilutes the power it has over you. Through sharing, it’s helped me to realize that everyone has something they’ve struggled with and that most people don’t

fully love and/or accept themselves overnight. It takes conscious effort and practice to make any positive change.

Advice to You It’s OK! Any struggle you’re faced with is an opportunity for growth and expansion. I want to empower you by highlighting that perception is everything and your thoughts create your reality. Trust that becoming more aware and simply acknowledging your dissatisfaction with where you are right now, is a big step forward. Also, wherever you place your attention, will grow. Begin to focus on your strengths and get to know yourself better. Remember, the beginning of any journey can be the hardest. Start taking small consistent steps outside of your comfort zone and your confidence and self-love will build over time.

Advice to Family & Friends We can’t receive enough compassionate and nonjudgmental feedback. If you notice that a loved one is lacking in positive feelings or self-love, try to build them up by providing understanding, and by recognizing their strengths.

Vulnerability is also contagious.

Most people have struggled with self-love at some point, and it’s very helpful and healing if you can speak openly to normalize the human experience.

LISA DUTCHAK @lisa_dutchak lisadutchakofficial

lisadutchak.com

Lisa Dutchak is one of THE most confident women you will ever meet. Her glow, angelic presence, and love for optimism will capture you in seconds!!! She is a native of Canada and is known internationally for her confidence and self-love techniques. We had the wonderful opportunity to interview her on her journey towards self-love.

HER JOURNEY I definitely spent a good portion of my life living the yo-yo diet life. I was convinced that if I was “skinny” that I would be worthy and valuable and happy. It was probably about 4 years ago when I started running a powerlifting program when my mindset really started to change. Powerlifting is a sport where the only weight that matters is the one on the bar. It has nothing to do with scale weight and the people in the sport are so incredibly diverse. I didn’t have to look a certain way to “fit in”.

Powerlifting taught me to focus on what my body is capable of instead of what it looks like and switched my focus to fueling my body for performance instead of deprivation and restriction.

In 2015 I was in a car accident that put me out of commission for a short time. A combination of not being able to train plus PTSD and depression resulted in some weight gain. The interesting thing, though, is that the weight gain didn’t really bother me; alternately it made me realize how powerful the shift in my focus was and that was when I really started to

concentrate on my mindset and challenging my beliefs.

In retrospect, the accident was probably one of the best things that ever happened to me because, while PTSD and depression are not anything to take lightly, having to work through them caused me to have many “aha” moments. The real journey of growth, personal development, and hard work really started at that point. I realized how powerful my mind is and how capable I am as a human being, outside of my body.

Through my Instagram I realized that I am not alone and that all of the things that I was taught were disgusting about myself actually aren’t based on truth and that the “perfect” people that we are taught we should be like are the exception, not the rule. I also discovered how powerful my voice is and how I can truly make an impact.

I really started to think for myself and step outside the box. I realized how flawed so much of the messaging and media that we are exposed to is and I started to form my own opinions, many which are completely against the grain, in particular regarding diet and fitness culture. I realized that it’s the system and society and multibillion dollar industries that are flawed, not the people, even though we are taught to believe that we are the flawed ones. The most important thing - self-love - is rarely talked about to the depth that it needs to be.

I AM POWERFUL.

Have you always had self-love within you?

Oh, absolutely not! As a matter of fact, I would say that my self-love has been a result of a lot of hard work over only the last couple of years; the last year in particular.

From the time I was about 10 years old I was conditioned to believe that I was worthless because I was fat. It started with the relationship with my father and continued through nearly every romantic relationship I had as well as bullying and abuse from classmates and “friends”, particularly in junior high and high school. As a matter of fact, the bullying really only stopped about 4 years ago. I was always told that I should be ashamed of my fat.

That I was undesirable and not attractive. That I should only wear and do certain things. While I fully realize that if I had been a person that had self-love her whole life, I likely wouldn’t be doing what I am doing now, I also realize that my life would have been completely different. It’s one of the reasons I am so passionate about creating content that can impact people...if only one person is impacted by my words or my story, I consider that success.

What does self-love look like to you?

For me, self-love is respecting my mind and my body...however, not in the superficial ways that we have become accustomed to. It has to do with loving the body I have in the moment; that love is not dependent on size or shape. It is not dependent on any one else’s opinion of what I should look like, what I should be doing, or how I am living my life. It is being aware of how I fuel her and how I keep her active. It is about being kind to myself and acknowledging the divine human being I am as a whole. It is realizing and embracing that my worth and value is absolutely not based on the size of my body despite being conditioned to believe that from a very young age. It is about wearing what makes me feel the most powerful and doing what makes my heart and soul happy, full, and content all while shutting out the rest of the noise telling me I should fit in some arbitrary box.

What advice would you give to

someone who is currently severely lacking self-love and going through he same things you did?

Hands down I would say that affirmations, meditation, and journaling are key. Also, finding a great support system (I like to use the word "community") filled with people who are positive, loving, energetic, and who are driven for more - who see no limits. If this is not possible in real life, online communities can be phenomenal.

It is also imperative that you OWN your story. It’s not easy and often times it’s very painful; but it’s necessary. The fact is that as soon as you own your story, you take your power back and that power is the start of everything.

What have you learned about yourself throughout this time?

Where to start! That I am a worthy, deserving, capable, beautiful, desirable, divine human being just as I am. That my physical body is only one small component of who I am as a whole and that self-love includes treating both my mind and my body with the respect they deserve. Last but not least, my story is something to be proud of and my voice is powerful. I am powerful. It’s up to me to stand in that power.

How can family and friends help someone with their journey towards self-love?

The challenging thing for family and friends of someone who is on an intense journey of growth is that they sometimes won’t understand their loved ones challenges, choices, or pain. It’s important for them to remember that they don’t have to understand or to approve of anything. It’s not their journey and it’s not their life. Ask questions, encourage, and do not let personal opinions or lack of knowledge cloud your perceptions.

It’s also important to remember that if the relationship changes its not a personal attack; it’s simply an evolution.

Check out Lisa's website for confidence coaching and her social media for fitness motivation!!!

k a h c t u D a -Lis

n e g a e n M ima r r a H

I am 27 years old, currently residing in Florida and from a small town in Maine! I am on online personal life coach that specializes in body and mindset transformation! I have my degree in Human Nutrition and my NASM personal training certification! I have a huge passion for fitness, nutrition, and personal development! I am happiest when I am hearing the "wins" from my clients! I sure do love seeing their progress in their bodies, but nothing compares to hearing about their transformation in their confidence and self-love! It lights me up and brings tears to my eyes! Why? Because a "goal" body is such an amazing achievement, but it is not going to bring you true happiness! True happiness and fulfillment comes from within and I love helping women reach that point!

@meagenharriman www.flourishyourmega.com

BE A PEOPLE PLEASER OR LOVE MYSELF? Meagen's Journey to Self-Love Oh where to start Let's start back to some of the outlooks I was taught growing up.

Looking in the mirror with my mom as a child and hearing her say things like "Oh these wrinkles, I need to fix that." or "I am bloated today." or "I gained 5lbs, I need to diet." etc. You get the point...! My mother also had a lot of selfesteem issues around what she was capable of, when in reality, I now see that she was capable of SO much, but she never saw that!

So, she always seeked validation from others. Now, I am not blaming her, I 100% understand that these are things that each individual needs to go through on their own time. And she did what she knew at the time. But, it was ingrained in my mind that my natural beauty was not enough and that I always needed acceptance from others before giving it to myself. This is where people pleasing came into play. I was a people pleaser to the extreme! I ALWAYS wanted to be liked by others and always wanted to make sure everyone else was okay before worrying about myself! It rarely mattered what I wanted, as long my best friends and whoever my "crush" was at the time, wanted. If this meant I needed to be stick thin, I would restrict food. If it meant I had to be "cool" and binge drink and eat, I would do that! I cycled through restriction to the point of anorexia, to extreme binging where I would get so sick, over and over again. I struggled so hard with just looking inward and asking myself what I wanted. I ALWAYS wanted love, acceptance, and understanding from others. This led to extreme depression and anxiety as I grew older. I remember my first anxiety attack, and I was in a situation where I was trying so hard to be something I am not, for others.

There were a good 3 years of my life where anxiety ruled my life.

I wish I could think back to the day where it clicked, but I honestly can't!

Sometimes when people ask me how I became so confident, practice self-love so much, and strive on my truth so easily, I can't give them a straight up answer. All I can say is, IT TOOK TIME and PRACTICE. And I now teach my clients all of those tools and practices that I used!

Her Perception of Self-Love Not all bubble baths, journaling, and facemasks!

It hurts. it is deep work, and it takes time and effort!

I don't believe that self-love is ever FULLY achieved, all day, everyday! I believe it's the willingness to always be growing, learning, and striving towards it! I believe that it's showing up when it's hard, even if that means taking a break one day and allowing yourself to feel a certain way, and then jumping back into it! It's just never giving up on your happiness and always showing up for yourself!

Does Self-Love Coincide with Fitness?

100% YES! Just like anything, there are always times when it coincides more than others, but overall, I think it NEEDS to coincide for either to be "healthy" and fully effective! I think there is an extreme trend out there of "YOLO, self-love" where one does not care about their health and they use self-love as an excuse to be less healthy. And there is the fitness trend of "No rest, no pain = no gain." Which also is too extreme, in my eyes! HOWEVER, I do believe when you find a perfect harmony between the two, magical things happen!

Throughout Everything, What Have You Learned About Yourself?

That I am imperfect in my perfect way. Being a former people pleaser, I wouldn't ever admit when I was in the wrong or could improve on something. And being able to say "I need to work on ____". Or being able to ask for help in areas of my life, is so

rewarding! I learned that it's okay to not be "perfect" and that our "imperfections" are perfectly US, and that is a beautiful thing!

Fitness During the New Year, Holidays,Parties...?

This is a loaded question haha! I actually have a full guide on this on my website! However, my biggest tip is to remember what the holidays are for! We are not celebrating food, food is just a part of our celebration! We should be celebrating the meaning behind the holiday and the people we are with. So taking the focus away from the food and drink and refocusing on what matters most; our loved ones and our morals!

THEN, food can be part of our celebrations, but not the main focus!

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DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER The following information is not to be taken as medical advice in any way. This also pertains to any and all articles and content in Toi Magazine. We encourage you to see your physician and seek professional help.

Furthermore, the following information can be triggering due to speech on abuse and other trauma related stories. Please read at your own advisory.

Dr. Shawn Horn is a Licensed Psychologist in Spokane Washington, is Faculty at the University of Washington Medical School, Spokane Psychiatry Residency Program, Founder of #MentorMePsychology, and has a Podcast called, “The Rock Your Awesome Show with Dr. Shawn Horn.� As a Medical Influencer, you can find her on Facebook, Instagram and YouTube @Dr. Shawn Horn. Dr. Horn has been in the mental health field for 26 years.

As a seasoned Provider she now provides education, consultation and mentoring to others in her industry.

Dr.Shawn

DID LANGUAGE: To Describe the personalities: Alters, Parts, Personalities “Switching”-when one alter comes forward and the other pulls back “System”-the name for all together “Multiple”-one with other alters “Singleton”-those of us who identify as one cohesive sense of self.

What is DID? DID, formally known as Multiple Personality Disorder or SplitPersonality Disorder, is one of the most misunderstood and stigmatized conditions in the mental health field. To this day, many do not believe this condition is real. There continues to be providers who disagree over the existence, expression and treatment of DID. However, research over the past couple of decades, has supported the existence of the condition and has helped us better understand the cause, symptoms and effective treatment options. The bottom line is this condition is real and we need more education and advocating for this disorder.

During the beginning years of my career as a Clinical Psychologist, in private practice, I met my first patient with DID. She came to my office and provided me with a book on DID titled, “The Dissociative Identity Disorder Sourcebook by Deborah Haddock. She stated, “my last therapist told me I had DID and gave me this book.” Since I was not familiar, nor competent in treating the disorder, I did what we were trained to do and worked on finding a provider competent in this area.

Unfortunately, I was unable to find a provider who could assist us.

Without any other available options in our community, I decided to begin training in this area so that I may be able to help the patient.

Over the years, I developed a specialty in DID, have helped many with this diagnosis, advocated for their care and educated other providers.

Over the course of my career, I have had the fortune of treating many individuals diagnosed with DID. I am grateful for what they have taught me and the trust they have instilled in me to walk the journey of treatment with them. I will share what I have learned over the course of my career in treating this condition.

Unlike the portrayal in the movies, this is a very hidden disorder. It functions to protect the individual. Therefore, they not only protect from the past but also from the present. Most of the time, the patient either doesn’t know about DID and/or is unaware they have symptoms of DID. Confused and often mistreated, they begin to lose faith in the possibility of being treated. They typically present with a variety of different diagnosis including schizophrenia, psychotic disorders, bipolar disorders, personality disorders, eating disorders and more.

Making their clinical presentation complicated, complex, and confusing. They often have a long history of psychological treatment with poor therapeutic response. They often state, no one has been able to help them, their medication hasn’t been effective, and they have had a history of being stereotyped, stigmatized, minimized and mistreated by health care professionals.

Since their treatment presentation is so complicated, inconsistent, incongruent and confusing to providers, they are often labeled as “difficult,” treatment resistant, or “gamy.” They have been accused of “faking” their symptoms or lying. They report a history of providers questioning their sincerity, not believing them and even rejecting them. Due to the rejection, mistrust, anger, and even abuse they have received by those helping them, the alters are very protective and hide their existence, to not only others, but also within. During treatment, DID patients will continue to question whether I believe them, whether they have the disorder and continue to feel scared that others won’t believe them. It is continual regardless of my efforts to reassure the patient. Sometimes, this is due to different alters asking the same questions. One must remember, they aren’t having a conversation with “one.” The provider will find, they are often addressing the same question or subject due to the switching of alters.

DID is a complex disorder. It is one of the Dissociative Disorders listed in the DSM-5. Historically, it has been called Multiple Personality Disorder or Split Personality. DID is caused by overwhelming, r

-epeated experiences of traumatic events, and/or abuse occurring in childhood. This may not only include trauma from abuse, but also from medical trauma involving multiple painful and prolonged medical procedures at an early age. This early childhood trauma prevents the child from forming a cohesive, unified sense of self. In the DID world, individuals without DID are called “singletons” as we have one cohesive sense of self. Just as we can not imagine their internal experience, they can not imagine ours. In therapy, it can really feel like we both entered the twilight zone!

Ultimately survive severe pain and/or trauma, the child may dissociate by “leaving” their body. When this defense is not strong enough to protect them, they may create different alters or personalities in order to handle the experience. These alters, then, allows them to live and function in day to day activities while surviving the experienced horrors. It is the ultimate “granddaddy” of survival mechanisms. I tell my clients with DID they are some of the most amazing and strongest people I know, to be able to develop this “super power” to survive.

Really, if you think about it, it is incredible. By developing these alters/personalities, it allows them to not only function, but also to keep the trauma memories and emotions contained within specific identities rather than completely overwhelming them. From my experience, most individuals with DID have specific alters (patients will either prefer to call them alters or personalities, I always ask for their preference) who hold the memories. Their alters may be “triggered out” by the environment. For example, if a client enters my office and sees a toy a child alter may come out. This is called “switching.” Switching may be quick and dramatic or subtle and hard to see. Typically, alters only reveal and act as themselves in contexts where they are comfortable and where they feel safe. Many alters are well hidden. I noticed a phenomenon working with my clients. I would have yawning attacks through out their sessions. I couldn’t understand why this was happening. I wasn’t tired, nor bored, so why was I yawning so much? Then I started to notice, I yawned every time they switched. I began to use this as a cue to alert me that another alter was forward. The only thing I can conclude is their switching communicates subtle body language, like a tired look (I call it a melting look), which makes my mind interprets a yawn and since yawns are contagious, I yawn!

It’s very hard for these individuals to understand what is happening to them. Often, they come with a history of one alter being the primary lead for years. Then they have a life event which triggers them, and they become completely, internally, dysregulated, switching, hearing internal discussions between alters. They don’t know how to explain it.

When the providers ask them, “do you hear voices?” They answer yes. However, the voices are distinct, have identities, are coherent, and organized. Very different from the psychotic type of “hearing voices.” One patient was referred to me after she participated in “exposure therapy.” She presented with trauma, so the clinician engaged in recommended trauma therapy which is not indicated nor recommended for DID as it causes significant psychological disruption. We really had to work had at picking up the pieces after she went through that experience. Interestingly, I learned a patient cannot switch while doing a motor activity. Many providers will ask the client to balance, walk, throw a ball back and forth when they are trying to communicate without switching. I found we can keep the alter present and able to process when we do this. It is very helpful.

In order to meet the diagnostic criteria for DID the individual must have at least two distinct personalities or personality states which are observed by self and/or others and cause a disruption in their sense of self and sense of personal agency. They report loss of memory and are unable to recall details from daily activities. Some of my clients come home and all their furniture is moved around, they may lose their car, not know how they got their new car, find they are suddenly in my office and not know how they got there. One time, I went out to the lobby to meet a client who I had worked with for over two years.

When I opened the door, she looked at me and said, “Dr Horn? Nice to meet you.” She did not recall every meeting me before nor ever

being in my office. It was that day, that I met a new alter. In addition to meeting this criterion, the symptoms must cause clinical distress and impairment in their social, occupational and other important areas of functioning in their lives. It can not be due to drugs or alcohol, another medical condition nor be part of a normal broadly accepted cultural or religions practice.

To be clear, this is not schizophrenia, it is not a psychotic disorder, it is not a personality disorder. It is a dissociative disorder with accompanying trauma disorders.

When these patients come to my office, they are tired, discouraged, confused. They commonly doubt their diagnosis. They wish they had schizophrenia as at least that would be accepted by others and able to medicate. They feel it would have less of a stigma. Even though they fight the reality of their reality, their loss of memory and interruption in daily activities is undeniable. They clearly have different alters observed by others. They present dressed masculine, when a male alter is out, or feminine with a female alter. They have different handwriting, different affect, different ways of engaging. Some have a great sense of humor, others are angry and confrontive, others young and vulnerable, then business like and playful. It varies between them all. However, what does seem to be consistent is most of them have an alter who “remembers” one who holds the memories, “young parts,” working adults, an angry one, and a scary one. They will not remember conversations you had, look confused in the middle of a discussion find they are lost and have difficulty communicating with others.

How does one know that they have DID? What are the signs & symptoms? (signs and symptoms noted above) A definite diagnosis should only be made by a qualified clinician. This can be done using a clinical interview based on Dissociative Experiences Scale, or by using one of the two clinical interviews developed for Dissociative Disorders, the SCID-D or DDIS. Over your years of working with clients with DID, what is the disorder usually paired with (depression, anxiety, etc.) if anything?

Each alter can have different diagnosis, different responses to medication, different allergies, food preferences, handwriting and even differences in brain imaging. Therefore, some may be depressed, others anxious, one might have an eating disorder (typically a teenage alter), others angry and impulsive. If the DID is active during childhood, they will have difficulty learning and reading as not all alters received the same education or were present. Imagine a 12year-old in class who switches to an alter who is 4. They won’t be able to read when that happens. Overall, they typically have some form of Trauma disorders.

What are some techniques for those with DID to do if they are feeling extremely dissociated?

Grounding exercises and physical activity can be very helpful for dissociation. I recommend a variety of grounding methods to orient them and bring them into the here and now.

Can one stop a switch from happening?

With treatment, we can increase their ability to manage their switching. Ultimately, we move from alters fighting for their way, to working collaboratively inside, communicating, cooperating, and working towards a co-consciousness. Clients will be able to team work with the alters, asking them for help. If they don’t know why they are in the store, they can ask inside, and one will tell them. It becomes much more manageable. We use the example of a bus. You have a driver with passengers. Some passengers are adults, some teenagers, some children and some are bullies. We must know who is in charge, who can watch the kids, who can make sure the bullies don’t act out and have them learn how to treat others with kindness. We want to know who oversees safety, who will make sure the driver has directions. Once everyone knows their job and we can create more

order, we are able to go for a nice drive. DID clients typically really like this analogy.

Integration This concept is complicated with this disorder. Typically, “cure” refers to an elimination of symptoms. Historically, providers believed a cure was when the patient is fully “integrated.” The quickest way to lose a DID client, especially to lose their trust and rapport, is to say “integration.” They don’t believe in it, nor do they want it. They have come to love and value many of their alters and do not wish to remove them. It would be like telling us, in order to be healthy, we must remove all family members in our home and live solely as one. That would be sad, right? It is for them. They prefer the model of coconsciousness. Where the goal is helping the alters become more connected and less disconnected from the others. By creating this connection, they can have a more “peaceful internal kingdom” resulting is improvement in symptoms, Increase in functioning and reduced rates of hospitalization. Poor outcomes were found when treatment did not directly engage alter identities and seek to reduce amnesia and focus on “memory recovery.” I believe, there is a reason they are not remembering, this is serving to protect them, and we must honor that protective function. If they are meant to know, are ready to know, they will know. Otherwise, we leave it alone and trust the protective process. Believe me, sometimes, when I hear the horror they have gone through, I can see how it was kept from their awareness and served to protect them. Sadly, I have had clients who informed me that providers told them they would only speak to one alter, if they switched, they would have to leave the session. One provider gave the client the silent treatment. When the client switched the provider just starred and would not speak to the client. Another had the client act out the trauma. Absolutely, horrifying to learn of some of these abusive and destructive practices. If someone has DID it is essential, they work with a provider who is competent in treating DID and understands how to implement the recommended treatment guidelines. To learn more about treatment guidelines see the treatment guidelines for Dissociative Identity Disorder which is available for free download from the International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation. Ultimately, we are seeking harmony, not elimination from alters.

Looking at the years you've been working with DID clients, what have you learned from them? Have they changed your outlook on anything in life or from a psychological perspective?

I have made peace with the fact that there are just some things we can’t explain or really understand. Science can not answer everything, and if we are scientifically minded, we will know we know nothing, and everything must be tested. Our field makes the mistake of being overly confident in their opinion, experience, perception. They make the mistake of telling clients who they really are, what they really experience, what really is reality. I have concluded, that clients are the experts of their experience. We must be open minded and work collaboratively. If we don’t understand something, we must take the position of trying to understand, not trying to convince others of our expertise. I cannot understand their reality, nor can they understand mine. However, I do believe them, I have great compassion for them and admiration for their journey. They are courageous and strong. In many ways, they are my Hero.

@drshawnhorn @mentormepsychology Podcast- “The Rock Your Awesome Show with Dr. Shawn Horn.”

@KRISTINCHRONICLES

13 we are a system of

http://KristinKarina.wix.com/KristinChronicles http://patreon.com/KristinChronicles

About Our Host The host of our dissociative identity goes by the name Felicity. She is our “going on with normal life self,” which means she has greater access to the brain’s prefrontal cortex than traumarelated parts of consciousness.

Felicity loves reading, writing, photography, music, teaching, & exploring nature.

Our Journey with DID All “trauma-related parts” (TRPs) are created to help the “going on with normal life part” (NLP). Our NLP goes by Felicity. Although we did not uncover the clues pointing to the truth until recently, we now understand that there was a form of sexual abuse from a neighbour during early childhood around age 4.

Ocean is a submit part of consciousness & she carries the memories from that original trauma.

Bambi is an attach part of consciousness who helped us enjoy childhood. Krystal is an introject flight part of consciousness who helped us with the responsibilities of day to day life, including being “mommy’s helper” caring for our 3 younger brothers.

Insomnia, night terrors, & anxiety began around age 10, at which point a flight part of consciousness named Abby was created.

Dissociation only affected us in minor ways until the body began to develop during adolescence, at which point the original trauma memories began surfacing in rather disturbing ways.

Another flight part began developing internally but did not fully front until high school: Zina Zintar is a sexual part of consciousness who effectively coped with the sexual abuse somatic memories that were surfacing during middle school.

When high school began, more parts of consciousness were needed: 3 fight parts were created named Kingsley, Coral, & Ross. The events during high school were disturbing, to say the least, but were not understood until 10 years later. Ninth grade was the first time a very obvious dissociative switch occurred: we went by a different name (Monika instead of Kristin), dyed our hair (black instead of blonde), & acted differently (parents would comment, “This isn’t the Kristin I know”). This was also when the psychotic-type symptoms began, although it was all framed as spiritual warfare within the

religious paradigm in which I was//we were raised: I only learned in 2017 that I was not actually possessed/oppressed by a demon in 2007-2008. The chaos & turbulent pain from 9th grade began our ten year struggle with chronic self-harm & self-medicating (substance abuse/addiction).

Further traumas in adulthood catalysted our decision to seek mental health treatment, which intensely worsened our condition.

Years later we were finally accurately diagnosed with DID, dissociative identity disorder. We quit the health care system shortly after & began creating our own recovery program called Healing Journey Homeschool.

With Janina Fisher’s multi-conscious parts approach guiding the way, we developed strategies & coping resources to process our pain & find grounding in the present day for each individual part. In the past year, we’ve made IMMENSE positive progress & are excited to see what healing the next year holds for us as we continue with our Healing Journey Homeschool.

Kristin Windsor Ocean is 2 or 3 years-old, Bambi is 5 years-old, Abby is 10 years-old, & the rest of our parts are adults: Davina, Felicity, Lyla, Roxxie, Kingsley, Zina, Coral, Ross, Krystal, & Misty.

-Ocean is our youngest part: sweetnatured, quiet, timid, trusting, & brave. She is fascinated with sea life & loves learning about ocean giants.

-Bambi is our child adventurer who helps us explore uncharted lands!

She helps us have fun & literally creates the {chemical} experience of joy within the brain. She's playful, adventurous, creative, witty, & trusting.

-Abby is an "insider," meaning she never fully fronts on her own. She has red hair & freckles while other child parts have blonde hair & blue eyes. Abby relates a lot with Pippy Longstocking.

-Kingsley Kyler is introverted & passionate for justice, especially regarding any form of prejudice. His wise insights are astounding! He {secretly} enjoys slam poetry.

-His polar-oppisite twin is Zina Zintar.

Life of the party. Loves making everyone feel welcome & engaged.

Witty, outgoing, strong. People fall in love at first sight with her.

Captivating, alluring, dazzling: Zina is awe-striking. She identifies as a lesbian & loves to pole dance.

-Coral is our highest-ranking protector part. Her ability to boldly confront pain is truly admirable.

-Ross is an introject persecutor. He's excellent at business & articulating himself in any discussion or debate.

-Krystal is an extroverted caregiver.

She is selfless & humble & experiences joy when helping others.

-Davina is our higher self incarnated who is divinely connected with Source. She is deeply spiritual & guides us towards healing discoveries & realizations through activities to raise our vibration, especially through meditation & chanting. #VibrateHigher Felicity is the "going on with normal life self" meaning she is left-brain dominant {while all other parts are prominently in the right brain hemisphere} & she is the only one with full access to the brain's frontal lobes {prefrontal cortex}. She is a beautiful introvert who is passionate about writing, photography, entrepreneurship, & poetry.

-Lyla & Roxxie helped us survive hard times from 2014-2018. Lyla is introverted while Roxxie is extroverted.

-Misty is our adult attach part who loves Victorian houses, quill feather pens, & hand-written letters on old fashioned stationary. She a romantic to the core of her being & loves more passionately than all my other parts combined.

Together, all my parts form the Kristin Collective Dream Team, otherwise known to the world as Kristin Windsor.

Life In Another's Body It is extremely painful & difficult for parts to not have the body they feel they are supposed to have. For child parts like Bambi, it’s really upsetting to not be little & be able to interact with other children as an equal peer.

Ocean, our youngest part of consciousness, experiences a loss of brain balance, which poses its own intensive challenges: we’ve twisted our ankle just walking on a straight path when Ocean was fully fronting {meaning in executive control & affecting both the body & the brain} because of her lack of physical brain balance that helps the entire body maintain balance. For parts like Kingsley who experience severe body dysphoria, it actually induces dissociation & causes physical functioning to be extraordinarily challenging. Regardless of who's fronting, it's a constant challenge to sufficiently care for the body on a day to day basis, which adds a whole extra dimension of strife.

Dissociation Dissociative identity disorder (DID) is a neurodevelopmental disorder that turns an adaptive survival skill into a maladaptive disorder. Dissociation causes endless problems & challenges yet is part of my daily life nonetheless. Through years of extensive treatment, I hope to gain the ability to use my dissociative splitting consciously, rather than it happening subconsciously beyond my control, but I believe it will always be more of an inconvenient challenge than a helpful ability. For example, for an entire decade, our body had several dozen bones partially dislocated, & I had no idea: because we live with a dissociative identity, that pain manifested mentally, not physically, & went unnoticed until very recently, thanks to Dr. Luka Musich.

Because my entire brain has developed around dissociation {forming a dissociative identity}, literally anything can trigger dissociation: internal emotions, external stimuli, people, places, things, smells, sounds, months of the year, reading, writing, eating, sleeping, going to the bathroom, etc.

Our more severe dissociative episodes, which involve a much greater risk of dissociative blackouts & self-harm, are triggers specific to traumas; unfortunately, even these can be something as simple as

hearing a housemate snoring or trimming their fingernails.

Grounding Techniques I have extensive daily coping rituals that help us get grounded. We meditate 3-5 times every day: deepbreathing, self-love butterfly hugs, humming, chanting, visualization exercises, dancing, trance walks, all sorts of things. We’ve created dozens of Coping Music Playlists on our KristinChronicles Spotify profile over the past 4 years: we continue to use them every single day. They’re a life saver!

Depending on whether our parasympathetic nervous system {correlated with the child/submit parts of consciousness} or our sympathetic nervous system {related with the teen & adult fight/flight/freeze parts of consciousness} is dysregulated, we apply specific coping tricks & tools from there.

We listen to & speak aloud & silently write affirmations every day. That’s played a significant role in our healing journey, helping us rewire our subconscious neuropathways through positively-framed, presenttense “I am” statements with extensive repetition. We also listen to binaural beats every night while sleeping & that has shown noticeable benefits over the past year & a half.

We also have specific tools for when we leave the house to go grocery shopping or to doctor appointments, including a Spotify playlist we use with noise-cancelling headphones.

We never leave the house or engage in social activities without essential oils: smelling peppermint helps calm a dysregulated parasympathetic nervous system while lavender is much more comforting when our parasympathetic nervous system is dysregulated. We also usually have our stuffed elephant Kal with us when we leave the house, especially for doctor appointments of any kind.

We regularly share our latest coping tool creations on our Patreon page, if you'd like to join the journey!

Advice To Those Who Can Relate The best thing anyone experiencing similar struggles could do to reclaim their power is begin a DAILY meditation practice. Learning to be present with yourself is a huge part of the healing journey, especially since communication between parts all occurs subconsciously. Always

remember, it's a process. Healing is not linear. & Life is like a heartbeat: the terrifying pitfalls are how we know we're still alive; ups & downs are to be expected. I often comfort my selves by meditating on the fact that tears are a sign of Life, & where there is Life there is Hope. It's all part of the journey; it's all allowed. & the more we allow our authentic beings to shine through, the more deeply we begin to heal.

Advice to Family & Friends The best thing a loved one can do to help someone with DID is learn to recognize the signs of mental dissociation & a physically dysregulated autonomic nervous system & learn how to respond accordingly. & don't be afraid to ask questions! Learning to be compassionately curious about what's happening within the brain & body is actually a hugely powerful piece of recovery. Not only will you be empowering the cultivation of mindfulness, but those calm, clarifying questions can build a bridge between the worlds of you & your loved one.

Misconceptions The biggest misconception about DID I’ve encountered is the assumptions that parts know exactly who they are: even therapists will ask direct questions rather than helping clients explore the subconscious to identify these fragmented parts. To combat this ignorance & stigma, I am launching a month-long worldwide mental health advocacy movement called the Dissociative Identity Movement {which people can get involved with through the movement’s Facebook group}. People also make assumptions about someone’s intelligence when living with a severe condition like DID, which is absurd since it has nothing to do with intelligence or lack thereof. I fight this misconception by pursuing my dreams, regardless of the challenges my health poses, always making sure my disorder empowers my life rather than dictating or limiting it.

Our Growth I’ve learned that nothing is as it appears & the more open I am, the more wonders I discover.

I’ve learned that this brain & body are much more brilliant than I ever assumed. I’ve learned that my identity is not defined by my health or my physical circumstances but by my courage, my determination, my inner-peace, & my unconditional compassion. I’ve learned that thoughts & emotions are a powerful energetic force that must be managed wisely.

I’ve learned never to underestimate myselves.

I’ve learned that I am a peaceful warrior & a lightworker, & when I focus on that rather than the diagnosed condition, I reclaim my power & move forward into a life I create, rather than fall victim to it.

e f i L d e t a i c o s s i D Our www.ourdissociatedlife.com

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@OURDISSOCIATEDLIFE we are a system of

About Us Our legal name is MaKayla so that is what all of the alters were known as before we began to recover. We don’t go by that name, so we go by Izzy (which is our higher self alter) – names kind of have less significance when one body has so many.

As a system, we own and operate a content writing business.

Several alters work together to accomplish everything it takes to run a business. As for hobbies and passions each alter has their own (and some additional jobs) – but as a system we are passionate about raising awareness and helping others realize and cope with their own mental illnesses. Our hobbies are so varied the only thing we can agree on is watching nature documentaries.

Best we can tell our original personality is still an infant and named Leslie. She is mute – we know nothing about her except that she is an infant in the headspace and Jordan (our controller of sorts) split from her when the body was a baby.

When Did You Know You Had An Alter?

There are sort of two answers to this question because we only ever lived a life with alters in the headspace and time loss. That is all we knew – so it was our “normal.” Frustrated with years of therapy, misdiagnoses and no one understanding – we just let it go in 2008 – and our life spiraled out of control. In 2014, we recognized serious time loss when we lived by ourselves for the first time. MaKayla and Lydia were pretty well aware of each other’s presence at that point but neither were aware of what was going on or why they were “blacking out.”

The awareness that this was not normal and these were alters came about a year ago – with full trauma healing with an accurate diagnosis and treatment starting in May of 2018.

Using what we know now – we have determined that below is the answer to the question had we been aware we had DID initially.

MaKayla, who split off at age 3 - remembers hearing Jordan and Julia for her whole life. Julia helped MaKayla care for herself, things a parent would do. Memories and Flashbacks from that timeframe are still fuzzy but best we can tell – Jordan endured physical trauma and MaKayla endured emotional trauma with Julia comforting them both.

Our Journey Growing up, our grandmother suffered with schizophrenia. We kept quiet for the most part about our symptoms because of how she was treated and what they said about her. Often told we were possessed by the devil by our grandfather, so we kind of always knew something was wrong.

seemed to understand what we were feeling, we couldn’t even describe it well. Until, out of nowhere - we saw a medical documentary one evening that called what we had experienced our whole life “dissociation” and “switching.”

After that, we sought help. Armed with the correct words for what we were experiencing, we were lucky (and grateful) to find a therapist in our area very familiar with dissociative disorders. She immediately helped us understand why nothing before had worked for us. She helped us find ways to observe and describe what was happening – and that led to us finally being able to call it what it is – dissociative identity disorder.

Our System We do not have contact with and know this stuff for all of our alters. Body is 31 years old and we have a total (according to Jordan) of 64 personalities. (Not all personalities are listed. Feel free to ask on @ourdissociatedlife's Instagram for more info or view their YouTube channel!!

Adults: MaKayla- 27 years old Protector. Going on with daily life part. Holds emotional trauma as well as childhood sexual abuse and as a result suffers from severe depression and anxiety. Currently dormant – but previously handled all aspects of daily life for 27 years.

Lydia-21 years old Persecutor turned protector. Sexual and Social part. Holds sexual abuse since the body was 11 yrs old. Fight part that stands up for us using anger and manipulation. With therapy has learned to use all of this FOR GOOD and not in bad ways. Now she is responsible for holding boundaries and protecting our recovery from possible abuse with her hypervigilance.

Gage (Lydia’s brother)-19 years old Protector for Lydia. Loner that only fronts when Lydia is in crisis and has wreaked havoc on the rest of the system. Basically, he can be found in the body drawing or playing video games when everyone is out of spoons or Lydia has spiraled.

Emmie-25 years old Protector with persecutor tendencies. Emmie is responsible for professional relationships. She plans our work week and handles talking to clients. She is also helpful for maintaining relationships with friends and colleagues, most other parts of the system find that terrifying. Friendly and likeable, she’s the alter triggered every time a stranger engages in small talk unexpectedly.

Izzy-Ageless, genderless

After we turned 18 and were in college, we started to really notice some time loss. It was at that point that changes in our behavior began to occur. The memory loss was bad and none of us could understand why we were doing what we were doing (we weren’t it was the alters) After college, Lydia and MaKayla were pretty much aware of each other’s existence but weren’t sure what it even meant – enter first misdiagnosis (bipolar) Still hiding eating disorders and self harm – we took the meds we were prescribed for a small amount of time – and then they made the time loss worse. Fast forward past several years of this cycle until we saw another therapist.

After a few sessions we were diagnosed with BPD, body dysmorphia and eating disorder not otherwise specified. No one

Spiritual protector. Serves as mostly an internal guiding light.

When she fronts it’s because the body needs to have it’s energy restored. Mostly she guides others and cares for our spiritual wellbeing. Triggered only after intense episodes, but always around.

More often that fronting herself, she is seen as passive influence on whomever is fronting.

Living in Another's Body It’s really really really hard. Before entering recovery, we all kind of hated the body and only had bad things to say about it. Now we practice a more body positive approach, being grateful for the vessel that our body is. But – it’s still hard. For silly things like not being able to reach a shelf YOUR body would be able to reach or having boobs where none normally exist. It’s also about littles not

feeling good about being out in public or with Emmie – who can’t talk in her own voice because the accent is so different from the one we all had to imitate our whole lives.

Dissociating We only survived the life this body was given because of dissociation and our dissociative identity disorder. While at times it’s extremely difficult and we’d love to just get off the ride – we are so grateful that we have a team built to stand strong and make it thru anything in this vessel we were all given.

Because we endured so many different types of trauma during childhood (and perpetuated it thru adulthood with our coping skills) virtually anything can cause a period of dissociation for our system. Sometimes it’s seconds long with a short message, reminder or memory and sometimes it can last hours. If a retraumatizing event occurs a period of dissociation can last days or weeks for us.

Based on the trigger, different alters will front. For example: An unknown man approaching us will always trigger Lydia while a slamming door will always trigger MaKayla.

Grounding Technique Just like with everything else, grounding techniques are different for each alter. This is largely because some of us aren’t able to feel all parts of the body or all emotions. Different things work for us all. The thing that works for most of our parts is dancing around to a specific song that we all love and isn’t triggering.

Other techniques are specific to alters for example: ·

Jewel needs meridian tapping.

·

Lydia needs movement or orgasm.

Advice To Family & Friends This is the way our brain copes. What makes humans unique is that we can all perceive the same situation a different way. We can all react to a circumstance in a different way. This is just that in a version that not every person experiences.

We aren’t “possessed” or acting out on purpose. Just like everyone else we aren’t dangerous unless we are put in danger.

We deserve to be treated as a valid person and not seen as unpredictable.

Myths MYTH: DID isn’t real.

Although denied by many (even medical professionals) DID is in fact real. DID is caused by repeated childhood trauma before the personality state is merged into one. When this happens varies by person but it’s estimated that the ego states children are born with merge in most individuals before the age of 9. Scans and studies have proven changes in the brain and legitimized patient claims for years.

MYTH: Alters generally commit crimes, murders or other heinous acts and the “host” has no control.

Most systems do not have alters that desire to harm others. While the media has long portrayed this disorder as dangerous with films like Cybil and Split, it’s contrary to what is known about the disorder. Even shows that promised to be a more accurate representation like “United States of Tara” feed into stigma that alters act out and cause harm. While some system have alters that do act this way, it’s usually more self harm and sabotage than harming others.

Not about DID but in general

· MaKayla needs ambient noise, humming for vibrations and aromatherapy. ·

Izzy meditates and chants.

Some grounding techniques don’t work for certain triggers or emotions either. In our most intense episodes, we can be found using all of the above to find our center and get back into the body. A complete list is on our website, but we use ice packs, essential oils, salves, grounding stones, and other various techniques. During a less intense episode, journaling with meditation will usually work.

Advice To Those Who Can Relate With any disorder, any trauma and any intense emotions know that you are not alone. The first steps are learning to identify abuse and then removing the abusers from your life so you can heal.

Healing is a process and recovery is NOT linear. Take it at your own pace. Observe how you feel and allow those feelings.

Observe them often. Write them down. Learn about yourself and your reactions. Learn about your patterns. Look deep into yourself for your answers. Protect your healing space and energy. Say no to things that part of you doesn’t want to do.

Embrace your power and push past your limits – not too far though. Comfort is needed and great but growth happens where discomfort lives.

TLDR; Comfort yourself back to stability. Own who you are (even if society calls it “crazy”) and then push yourself to live your life as authentically as possible!

MYTH: Mental illness isn’t a disability.

All mental illness and mental disorders are physically disabling.

That’s actually what makes them qualify as a disorder. This does make it hard for those that experience normal levels of the ailment with the same name to understand the severity of it when someone who has clinical depression says I’m depressed.

Self-Reflection We’ve learned that the brain and body do remarkable things to survive. We learned that trauma does impact your life forever.

We’ve learned that you can’t run or hide from your past. We have learned the compassion and understanding for yourself and others is the key to success. We’ve learned that strength lies in balance and most importantly we have learned that being a multiple is not damning but instead an excellent life to live!

THE HOPEFUL SISTERHOOD SYSTEM

31 we are a system of

KIK- WantingFreedom Instagram- @alltogetherdid Tumblr- alltogetherdid WattPad- AllTogetherMPD

About Our Host Hope (We call ourselves as a system: The Hopeful Sisterhood System) Hope enjoys graphic designing that is simple yet uplifting and making collages, her career currently is as a receptionist, and is currently going to school to get a degree in office administration.

Her passion is to spread awareness and positivity about and around the DID/MPD and OSDD (DDNOS) community.

When Did You Notice An Alter?

I noticed around honestly the age of four, but it became prominent around age six, however, I did not know it was an alter or anything about DID, but instead, thought it was my imagination and I was just a very creative child. I also thought everyone heard voices in their head like a conscious almost, although mine was much louder.

The three I remember at the time was Dora, age 4, Lucy, age 6, and Ginger, who grew up with me in age like a best friend.

Dora was a very quiet an emotional type. She was around and in control only when I was 4 and 5, she helped me forget a lot, and feel like I had a best friend. Lucy arrived around when I was six when a lot of medical things were going on with my family. She helped me not feel lonely, and remember important details about my schoolwork, chores, and even what doctors said. Ginger was the by far biggest help. She stayed with me growing up and just recently, at age 16, stopped aging with me. She was quiet and nervous, which actually helped me around my abuser, who expected that from me. She stood up for me multiple times I specifically remember so I wouldn’t get hurt.

Our Journey Starting with my journey with DID began around when I was 17/18. I was in my second year of college (I started early) and was noticing how I was loosing time. I also had started roleplaying online a lot from the app Whisper and then somehow moved over to KIK, an instant messaging app. There, I met a guy who both his girlfriend and himself had DID. I was curious, and asked more and was shocked to find that wasn’t normal. I thought I had been just plain forgetful and had a good imagination. I was very wrong.

I made an appointment to see my school psychiatrist and she also confirmed that I had DID after we dug deeper and I actually switched with my main co-host at the time, Trina, during a session. Although she wasn’t able to give me an “official” diagnoses, nor did I actually want one, it gave me peace at mind knowing that what I was going through wasn’t just me being forgetful or being “up in the clouds” all the time.

I started to do more research, as my psychiatrist suggested, and found Multiplicity and Me on YouTube, and how so much of what they said was exactly what my therapist/psychiatrist spoke with me about.

I dug more and found a whole community of those with DID/MPD and OSDD (DDNOS) on KIK and Instagram, and started my own support groups on KIK and then shortly after, started my Instagram, first for just recording purposes of collages I made and liking others posts, but then to help and encourage others!

Our System I have 31 alters total (including myself in that number), however, some of them have what we call alters parts, which we have a total of 7 that we are aware of at the current moment, as well as "non-playable characters" which I will not include either NonPlayable or the Alters Parts for the sake of this article, but in the

collage, it has Alters, Alters Parts, and then one Non-Playable who has been very active through another Alter, her name is Anne.

Just to be aware of that.

Hope: Age- 21, Relation/Job in the system- Core & Host Trina: Age- 21, Relation/Job in the system- Co-Host, Protector, & Written Memory Holder/Keeper Ginger: Age- 16, Relation/Job in the system- Co-Host, Visual Memory Holder/Keeper, Artist Cloe: Age- 25, Relation/Job in the system- Co-Host, Spiritual, Wiccan, Witch, Protector Caroline: Age- 19, Relation/Job in the system- Co-Host, Protector, Grief Holder Lucy: Age- 6, Relation/Job in the system- Little Dora: Age- 4, Relation/Job in the system- Little/Toddler, Trauma Holder Burchess: Age- Unsure, we think 13 or 14, Relation/Job in the system- Part Human, Part Tree/Stick, can shapeshift, Trauma Holder Joy: Age- 12/13, Relation/Job in the system- a Retired Persecutor, now helper in the system Fawn: Age- 11/12, Relation/Job in the system- "Middle" or "PreTeen" Alter, quiet and reserved, like a scared little fawn Abby/Abbie: Age- 14/16, Relation/Job in the system- Age Slider, Trauma Holder of when Hope's Father died. "Pre-Teen"/ "Teen" Alter Chrissa: Age- 10, Relation/Job in the system- Fictive from American Girl Series, deals with bullying Taffy: Age- 10 or 11, Relation/Job in the system- Partial Trauma Holder, Little Hannah: Age- 21, Relation/Job in the system- Retired Persecutor, Main Protector (from verbal and physical abuse) Zoey: Age- 16 or 18, Relation/Job in the system- Retired Persecutor, Partial Protector Alexandrea (Alex): Age- 16/18, Relation/Job in the system- Sexual Alter, however, also Sexual Protector Meghan: Age- 16, Relation/Job in the system- Hispanic Alter, Speaks mainly Spanish, also advocate for all types of causes Ashley: Age- 16, Relation/Job in the system- Protector, Modeled after an old friend Hope grew up with Clair: Age- 16, Relation/Job in the system- Trauma Holder, Neko/Part Cat Part Human Alter Haile: Age- 16, Relation/Job in the system- Talkative and Friendly, helps Hope to seem extroverted when needed.

Coffee: Age- 18, Relation/Job in the system- Protector, Energy Provider Sunshine (Sunny): Age- 17/18, Relation/Job in the systemProtector, Job of making sure body has Self-Care Lizzy: Age- 17, Relation/Job in the system- Retired Persecutor, Self-Harming Alter (Libby's Twin) Libby: Age- 17, Relation/Job in the system- Alter that holds the feelings and symptoms of Depression (Suicidal Alter) (Lizzy's Twin) Allison: Age- 17, Relation/Job in the system- Holds feelings of anxiety (Lizzy & Libby's Triplet) Cloyda: Age- 25, Relation/Job in the system- Motherly figure to the system, Protector Aphrodite: Age- 20, Relation/Job in the system- Sexual Alter (Fictive of Sexual Goddess) Tori/Tory: Age- 16/18, Relation/Job in the system- Fictive Sasha: Age- Unknown, possibly 23, Relation/Job in the systemRetired Persecutor, part Dog alter (acts like a dog but in human form) U.N.I.C.E: Age- None, Relation/Job in the system: Robot and Fictive Alter, UNICE stands for Universal Networking Intelligence Computing Enitity

What Triggers You To Dissociate? Does It Help?

There are multiple things, although, being stressed is one of the main ones for sure. If I, the host/Core, have an overwhelming amount of stress at a particular time, I’m more out to dissociate and someone will usually follow suit and switch out.

Some alters have specific triggers, such as Caroline, who comes out when grief is present, usually after there has been a death or something to do with hospitals as well.

However, if something bad triggers me, such as a trauma trigger, Trina or Coffee are more out to come to the front. If it’s verbal or physical threat/trigger, Hannah will push her way to the front to deal with it.

Yes, honestly it does a lot in many aspects of my life. When I become overly stressed or, sometimes, have unhealthy thoughts of possibly causing myself harm, or I get an overwhelming sense of fear from a trigger, dissociating and sometimes even switching numbs that feeling and can even take that feeling away completely.

However, sometimes it can be annoying or unwanted. With myself being in college, trying to get a degree, and mostly no one knowing I have DID, if I dissociate or suddenly switch out, during a lecture, I’m sometimes, most of the time, in the dark and have to play a guessing game on what is even the topic of the lecture unless someone was taking notes, which is not always the case.

Being In Another's Body This is Trina, one of the main co-hosts.

Personally, Hope and I look a lot alike however she is shorter than I’d like to be, which sometimes means I have to use a stool to teach things, which my pride hates.

However, one thing that bothers almost all of us is Hopes hair colour. She is a brunette, and there are a lot of us who have Orange or Blonde hair, and in some cases, different colour hair than natural, as Abbie is a perfect example of wanting blue hair.

Or the four sisters, Clair, Haile, Sunny, and Coffee, who all have “unnatural” colour hair, Pink, Purple, Yellow, and Light dyed brown, and our host, however, can not easily by wigs and does not wish to dye her hair.

However, we are an all female system, which we have only met a few systems like us. We do not have mixed genders, so there is no discomfort there besides UNICE being a robot, but she manages.

Grounding Techniques Making collages with faceclaims really helps me find awareness with my alters/parts and connect with them more for sure. For personal grounding, silly puddy helps as well as watching youtube videos helps ground me and has me focus on something that constantly is giving me information to stay alert and process it.

Talking with my parts through text also helps me feel peace, knowing I am valid, we are valid, and that we are working together as a team unit.

Advice To You You are strong, remember that. Your brain made an amazing coping mechanism so that you could cope and live day to day.

No, it may not feel normal, but really, is anyone normal? No. We all have our flaws, weaknesses, etc. But that makes us all unique.

Be patient with yourself!

Misconceptions DID is not dangerous, and you are safe around us! We are more out to hurt ourselves than others because the majority of us have deep self-hate that even misunderstood alters/parts feed off of and the only project it on the body rather than outward on others.

Also, not all of us want to be "fixed" or integrate. We are happy and have learned to function or want to learn to function so that we can work together as a unit. A family.

Advice To Family & Friends Find good sources on DID that are backed up by others that actually have it. There is a huge community on Instagram, KIK, Tumblr, and YouTube. And of course, ask your loved one what they want! Ask them questions (if its ok with them) about what you're curious about. They have the first-hand experience and only they can tell you what they personally need or want since everyone is different.

Self-Reflection I have learned that I am stronger than I give myself credit for and that I can go through and deal with a lot, just with the help of a coping mechanism that my brain provided. I also found that I am happiest when educating others and bringing more awareness to others!

THE COLLECTIVE OF SAM

50 we are a system of approx.

About Us The Collective of Sam has always had an affinity for the visual arts, various hand crafts, creative writing, etc. We are interested in most things that can be called art.

When Did You Notice That You Had An Alter?

The very first time we specifically noticed being a different person than it seemed we normally were (outside of playacting and storytelling, etc.) was in our senior year of high school. We were sitting in chemistry class when a sort of feeling came over us. A sort of alteration in mood, but not quite. Posture changed. Even the muscles we passively use to control our face shifted to a slightly different position. The most significant change is difficult to describe but imagine, if you would, that your entire perception of the world was tinted ever so slightly yellow. Now imagine if that color suddenly changed to purple. Now imagine that the shift to purple did not feel strange, or even unfamiliar, but that for a moment it was the most natural, most fitting sensation you’ve ever experienced. You were Yellow, but now you are Purple.

Just like that.

Corey was our Purple. She was shy and depressed, but she had a stillness about her that was useful. We were severely depressed in our senior year. We would be overcome with intense sadness for no apparent reason and cry almost uncontrollably. Corey helped us hide it, when she could.

Unfortunately, her first moment of self-awareness was followed by a profound moment of cognitive-dissonance. Based on everything she knew to be True and Real, a person was only one person. A person was not two people. Therefore, This Was Not Real. So Corey, almost immediately upon becoming self aware, blocked the moment out. Having recovered the memory years later we can now look back and see her influence throughout that period.

Our Journey So one of the myths about DID is that there was An Event in a person’s life that caused their mind to “fracture”. It’s a trope that gets used in fiction a lot because it’s convenient and easy to understand, but the human brain is not that simple. It’s never just one thing.

Our childhood was pretty stressful. Our father has been diagnosed with chronic depression for as long as we can remember, and he is generally irritated by children (especially their noises). He often repeated a phrase that seemed in jest from his tone but in practice seemed to be absolutely genuine, “Children should be seen, not heard. And preferably not seen either.” The man was prone to volatile emotional outbursts. He was not physically violent towards his family, but his roaring bellow was painful its own way even when not pointed directly at you. When he came home from work we would scurry out of the living room with our brother and hide upstairs until we were called for supper.

In addition to this, we appear to have some sort of learning disability. School was extremely stressful for us. We are quite smart, and we were not caught in the early testing our school did to screen for special needs, etc. Our teachers just thought we weren’t paying enough attention, or weren’t trying hard enough.

We lived in constant fear of being called on in class, because we could feel the disappointment and the frustration every time we got it wrong. We were as attentive as we could be, and that in itself was difficult, but the letters still didn’t mean anything and ‘d’ and ‘b’ always looked like the same thing, and everyone seemed to understand it but us! Don’t even get us started on homework.

By fifth grade we were up until 1am almost every night trying to finish school work, and that was with our mother breaking down and doing some of it for us. By high school we stopped trying to get it done the night before. We largely copied work from other kids the next day.

These two factors alone were enough to cause us near constant stress. We were scared and tense at school all day, and then scared and tense after father came home in the evening. Oh, and of course, scared and tense that we wouldn’t finish our assignments and the teachers would be angry. The development of DID calls for repeated trauma during childhood, this disrupts the healthy development of a fully integrated identity. A lot of people think that your life needs to be threatened for something to be traumatic, but we were just about as traumatized by school as we were by our perpetually angry father. School made us feel stupid, which effected (and still effects) our overall self-esteem and ability to function confidently in the world. We are not stupid, but it has taken a long time for us to internalize this notion (and some of us still haven’t). The difficulty is that whatever learning disability we have still effects our ability to function in the world. We are dependent on our partners to help us navigate the massive bureaucratic mess that is our modern society.

We are actually still undiagnosed. We are unsure how the process of diagnoses actually works, but we’re pretty sure it involves talking to a doctor a lot (which is a thing we don’t like to do). But we have been doing our own research for about half a decade, and we could be diagnosed if we ever decided to tell a doctor what is happening. Speaking to people we don’t know is difficult, and our words get jumbled, and remembering to do every day survival things is hard enough without adding doctors to the mix so.. you know how it is. It’s on the back burner.

Our System Our system is quite large. Last time we did a head count there were 50, and there have been additions since then. It’s more difficult to keep track of than you’d think it would be.

There are alters who make themselves known, stick around for a while, then go dormant, and there are alters who have been around throughout the years (some more frequently than others).

To name a few: Dante (age slider) is around fairly often. He used to be impulsive and self-destructive, but he’s evolved into a solid leader and we’re lucky to have him.

Eddy (17) is a fairly new regular. He showed up in the past year or so and he’s a delightful goofball. Likes to make people laugh.

Raphael (23) is our protector. He comes out when we feel unsafe.

He’s an Italian mobster, and he cooks a great red sauce.

Jack (20) was the first alter to become self aware (without immediately repressing the knowledge), and he had a bad habit of falling in love with everyone. Jack hasn’t been around in a long time.

Rachael (age?) our host does not come around very often anymore. The nature of her identity is complicated and confusing, and we aren’t sure that we really understand what she is. The more we begin to see each of our influences throughout our childhood, the less we believe that Rachael ever truly did anything on her own. She is more like a representation of the singular person we were pretending to be. That still isn’t quite accurate.

Part of the reason we began writing Ouroboros is because showing is more effective than telling. We want to use our narrative to finally communicate what is going on inside of us, and maybe in the process do some good for our community.

Ouroboros is an autobiographical graphic novel, and it deals heavily with the goings on of our Inner World. The very act of creating this story is helping us to untangle and make sense of the vast universes that exist inside of us.

Dissociating. Does it Help You? Sometimes. Dissociation is the blur that happens between alters.

Sometimes existing is just difficult, and none of us can get a good grasp on the body. Sometimes stress levels become so heightened that not even Raphael can fight his way out.

Sometimes this leaves our body in a catatonic state for a period of time, sometimes it results in a strange autopilot-like state of functioning. Both states are usually difficult to remember after the fact. We will probably remember that it happened, but not necessarily what it was like or if anything was said.

Basically, it has its pros and cons. If the process is working efficiently, stress will cause one alter to dissociate, thus making room for a (hopefully) more confidant alter to step in and handle the situation. It is also possible that a younger, more terrified, alter could step in and make the situation much worse. This would be an example of the process not working efficiently.

Fear, and pain are the main culprits when it comes to dissociating.

Most people don’t think about pain very often, but it is a constant in our life. Our body hurts all the time, and we aren’t exactly sure why. On days when the pain is high it’s difficult not to dissociate.

There are some of us who are better at functioning through the pain, or functioning while blocking the pain out, but this task always takes its toll and the alter who bit the bullet will likely need a long rest to recover.

If you’ve ever been startled by anything you understand the rush of adrenaline and how disorienting it can be. Fear takes you out of your normal state, makes your heart race, makes you sweat, makes you see danger.

Raphael, our Main Protector, comes out when we feel threatened. For us that can mean a person raising their voice, stranger talking to us on the street, walking alone at night, getting lost in an unfamiliar place, having to interact with a stranger (like a receptionist or a doctor or a cashier...), and of course, actual physical threats.

Raphael once took off on foot after a man who snatched our girlfriend’s purse. His protection extends to people he considers our family. He ran much faster and longer than any of us thought was physically possible, and he’s quite proud of himself.

Living In Another's Body I mean it pretty much blows, but in today’s world is anyone really happy with their body? Don’t get me wrong, it’s an attractive body but it’s female, and most of us who live inside it are male.

Even the girls, though.. Natalia wants it thinner, JoJo wants it thicker. Some of us aren’t even human. We have an alien named Dax who thinks its weird that our body is basically all one color.

Mostly, its just disorienting. You’re in the hot seat, trying to feel like yourself, but you’re hands aren’t your hands, and you’re hair isn’t your hair, and you’re taller or shorter than you should be, and if you’re a boy you look in the mirror and see a girl’s face. If you’re passing for male that day, you pass for 16 years old and everyone thinks you’re a kid.

Grounding Techniques Our favorite thing is a hot bath, of course sometimes extreme heat can cause one’s blood pressure to drop which can make one feel extremely dissociated, so take care in implementing this method especially during the winter when one might be tempted to continually raise the temperature.

Stretching is also useful for grounding, as is a good run but our knees don’t really appreciate that anymore. Any sort of activity can be used for grounding if you just put your focus on what your body is doing.

We also find that clothing and accessories are useful for grounding specific alters. Wearing an item in a color that you personally identify with can give you something to focus on.

Advice To You For ease of functioning in society without telling everyone our business, we picked a name that we all feel comfortable answering to. The name we chose is Sam, we use neutral pronouns they/them(which has the side benefit of being plural), and if it comes up we tell people we are gender-fluid. This is the closest thing to truthful without explaining the whole DID thing to everyone we come in contact with.

In relationships, honesty is always best. We prefer to tell people about the DID fairly early on in a friendship, because hiding things changes the relationship. We understand the desire to wait and make sure you won’t be rejected, but someone who would reject you for this isn’t really your friend, and it’s better to find out early.

Misconceptions Every system is unique. DID is a coping mechanism, and every brain implements it differently. It can get weird, and that’s ok. The important thing is that you listen and try to understand. Keep an open mind. Any person would be reluctant to share if they don’t think they’ll be believed. Some systems have experienced emotional abuse, which can skew their perception of other people’s behavior and make them sensitive about seemingly random things. Nothing is random though. There is a reason for everything even if the system doesn’t know what it is. When we flip out because we burned dinner, it’s never about dinner.

Advice To Family & Friends Every system is unique. DID is a coping mechanism, and every brain implements it differently. It can get weird, and that’s ok. The important thing is that you listen and try to understand. Keep an open mind. Any person would be reluctant to share if they don’t think they’ll be believed. Some systems have experienced emotional abuse, which can skew their perception of other people’s behavior and make them sensitive about seemingly random things. Nothing is random though. There is a reason for everything even if the system doesn’t know what it is. When we flip out because we burned dinner, it’s never about dinner.

Self-Reflection So many things. Our entire experience has been one of self learning. And we’re still learning! Writing and illustrating Ouroboros is opening our eyes to a lot of new ideas about the way we function and relate to each other. There is nothing we can experience that will not teach us something new about ourself.

DVORA ELISHEVA Author of "Connecting the Dots of a Disconnected Life"

or me the problem was that dissociation was a normal behavior as far back as I can remember.

I always understood that something was wrong, but I didn’t understand what or how. In my case, I was struggling with a less severe form of dissociative disorder, not dissociative identity disorder (DID), so I didn’t have a struggle with alters per se. I had compartmentalized my feelings and memories and even my “names.” There was my given name, my nick name, the name my cousin gave me, the name I didn’t have… and more. I remember incidents in childhood where people told me that I had said or done things I didn’t remember. And all of my memories were like old fashioned snapshots, jumping from episode to episode with lots of blanks in between. This was my norm and it never occurred to me that other people didn’t live and think this way too.

In my 40s, I finally began to understand that dissociation was a problem when I began therapy for a series of complaints: insomnia, nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks, and more. My therapist asked what my name was, and as I started to explain my name, nicknames, and the roles I’d assigned to each name she just stared at me in surprise. After a few more sessions she advised that I could indeed benefit from therapy and that I was struggling with something called DDNOS – dissociative disorder not otherwise specified. She explained that the difference between myself and those suffering with DID (dissociative identity disorder) was one of degree, with DDNOS being on the lower end of dissociative disorders and DID being on the high end.

How did dissociation help me? As a child, it helped me to cope with the unexplainable, with things that terrified me, and to handle feelings that overwhelmed. It helped me to hide from experiences too awful to think about. But as an adult, I was becoming crippled. I couldn’t access my emotions properly, sometimes I felt out of control, and my sleep, dreams, and more were making life difficult to navigate. Truthfully, I didn’t understand what was happening inside of myself and I was terrified.

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"I was trying to understand what was going on inside of myself, and began to draw. This picture was the result."

"The happiest day of my life, my wedding to Rich Hemstreet. I am so thankful that I have full recall of all of it, the feelings, the emotions, the full memory.

The journey was long and hard, but worth it."

"During therapy I asked if a disturbing family photo counted as something worth looking at.

My therapist agreed to look at it. In many ways, I found new ways to understand my grandmother and mother from this photo. The man in the center is my greatgrandfather. The two little girls on his lap are my mother (L) and her sister (R)."

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hen I received my diagnosis, I seriously considered stopping therapy. You see, I was a Christian, my therapist was Jewish, and I had my own misconceptions about dissociative disorder. I thought it was nothing more than

some kind of psychiatric jargon to describe simplistic sinful vs good behavior, and digging up the past was a form of self-pity. A few of my friends were supportive of my starting therapy, but most questioned it, especially with a nonChristian. They were sure that I’d lose my faith.

To be truthful, almost no one had any idea what I was really struggling with. The few who did were very supportive. Still, dissociative disorders were not on my list of permissible or real problems for a Christian. Then God joined up with my therapist and showed me quite literally, that I was wrong.

At the time I was reading a chapter from the book of Proverbs every day. Shortly after being told I had DDNOS I came upon Proverbs 18:1 (NASB) “He who separates himself seeks his own desires, he quarrels against all sound wisdom.”

Living in Israel, I could access the original Hebrew. I did NOT like what I read in English, so I looked it up in Hebrew.

But the literal translation was even more pointed, “He who is separated asks for their own lusts, and quarrels against wisdom and success.”

For me that was the defining moment when I accepted my diagnosis and made a commitment before God to seek wisdom and success through therapy, so that I could find healing and become connected internally.

It took a lot of hard work. It took wading through memories that I had refused to look at for years. I began to paint, wrote literally hundreds of poems, and even a play about the personas that represented each part of my personality, memories, and feelings. It was frightening, depressing, challenging, and freeing. It meant taking personal ownership all of my experiences, feelings, and emotions. It meant having to look at and accept parts of myself that I hated… quite literally, it meant learning to accept myself the way God had accepted me. It was not fun.

Have You Integrated?

For the most part I have connected. The biggest indication is that the past few years, particularly the trauma of losing my husband after only three years of marriage, is marked by no memory gaps. I can remember being present through everything that happened, and being in contact with all of my feelings. In some ways, I wonder if the grief I felt hasn’t been deeper, because I allowed it to touch all of me.

That isn’t to say that I don’t have dissociative moments.

Sometimes, when I get super stressed, experience a panic attack, or a change in my handwriting… but when these things happen, I am no longer frightened. Instead, I have learned to take these as signals that I’ve not been paying attention to what is going on in my life. I step back, look at what has been going on, and either work through the stress in some way, or find a passage in scripture that relates to what I’m struggling with, and return to seeking connection to all of what I’m feeling.

Triggers Triggers will always come. In the past, even mild stress or going shopping could be a triggering event. But other triggers included overly sexualized situations, arguments, and feeling threatened or unaccepted. These situations led me to compartmentalize, panic, and dissociate from what I

was feeling or seeing. For me dissociation meant going into a certain mind state to get away from whatever it was I was feeling or experiencing. I could go from not wanting to talk to talking a lot, and joking absurdly, doing anything to get away from what it was I was facing, and usually succeeding.

Today, I don’t react so strongly to those triggers, and my moods and feelings don’t switch between such extremes.

My memories also seem to be more whole. While there are some things I will probably never recall from childhood (and it is probably just as well), there are other memories that seem more full and complete. I am certain that those memories would not be that way if I had not worked through this, understood that I was dissociating, and made a commitment to become connected to all of who I was.

Grounding Techniques?

I don’t have a grounding technique per se. Rather, I have a very real relationship with Jesus. I find the Bible to be alive, His love letters to me in every way. Let me give you an example. When my therapist first said that I had DDNOS I was totally freaked out. I did not want to accept that, and I did not want to admit that the feelings and the persona’s within me were real. Worse, I did not want to accept that they were all a part of me.

Yet discovery of Proverbs 18:1 became an anchor for me and confirmed that what I was going through was real.

Misconceptions For Christians, one of the biggest misconceptions is to think that DID is demon possession. Or they say it’s not real, it is just an excuse to make room for sinful behavior and to avoid repentance. For non-Christians, there seems to be a huge fear factor. But truthfully, for both groups, I think the real issue is fear of the unknown.

Dissociative disorder sounds frightening until you understand what it is and why it happens. So before jumping to a wrong conclusion, read some scholarly articles about it.

Tragically, I think we will continue to see more and more people struggling with a range of dissociative disorders because of the abuse, violence, and over sexualization surrounding us. It is already negatively impacting today’s generation and unstopped, will affect future generations as well.

What Encouraged You To Write Your Book?

After my husband died, I kept sensing that I needed to write a book. My best friend told me to write a book in her last letter to me. They were convinced that I had a message to share with others to help, encourage, and inspire. After they both died, I wasn’t so sure. The grief was so heavy, but I began writing. However, something was missing and I knew I needed help with the process. To make a long story short, I discovered the coaching program of Kary Oberbrunner and Author Academy Elite, my publisher. The rest is history.

Don't forget to watch the reviews on YouTube during the month of January on MultiplicityAndMe, DissociaDID, The Entropy System and other DID/OSDD focused YouTube channels!!!

There will be a giveaway!!

Advice To You If You Can Relate Firstly, if you sense there is something wrong, even if everyone you know doesn’t see or sense it, you are most likely right. Don’t be afraid to seek out help, but do so wisely. The therapist I went to had experience in dealing with adults who had suffered abuse when they were children, and had worked with people with DDNOS and DID. Secondly, don’t minimize your experience by comparing it to others. We can all find someone who has gone through more or less of an experience than we did. Think of your emotional/spiritual wound like you do a physical wound.

Just as physical wounds have to be treated to prevent infection, so too must emotional/spiritual wounds be treated. If they are not treated, infection can set in. If an infection occurs, it must be treated urgently; otherwise it can threaten the entire body and even become lifethreatening. Emotional/spiritual wounds are the same and deserve the same recognition, acceptance, and care.

Finally, I want you to know that hope is real and victory is possible. You can be more than a survivor. I found great encouragement in the words of Paul in Romans 8:37 “…in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.” If God can give me hope and victory, He can give it to you as well.

Advice To Family & Friends Do not minimize your loved one’s pain. Your loved one doesn’t need you to understand, they need you to accept them and to love them. Be patient. However dissociative disorder is expressed in their life, I want to assure you – it’s real. Many of my friends only learned about some of the things I was struggling with when they first read my book.

That was how closed I was when I went into therapy. Some of my friends weren’t sure why I was in therapy, and didn’t understand at all – and I could not explain it to them. If I had told them about my internal world, they really wouldn’t have understood.

But my friends loved me, prayed for me, and accepted me.

I cannot stress how important this is, perhaps even more so if your friend or family members is struggling with DID. Accept EVERY part of their personality. You don’t have to agree with what they do or say, but give them the dignity of acceptance, because that persona is but one part of ALL of your friend. Count yourself privileged to be introduced to those parts, and encourage them to hope for the day when they really can be a cohesive whole person.

Finally, I hope that you believe in the power of prayer. I had many friends praying for me when I was in therapy. I know that prayer can do the work our hands cannot do, because I am an answer to their prayers.

Dvora's Self-Reflection The biggest lesson I’ve learned and am still learning is that when I am weak, that is when God is truly strong. He has been and is the source of my strength.

About Dvora My pen name is Dvora Elisheva. That is Hebrew for my real first and middle names, Deborah Elizabeth.

For relaxation/fun I enjoy reading scifi/fantasy, and good quality Christian fiction. For serious reading, my top go-to book is the Bible. I have loved reading it since I was a child, when I thought the book of Revelation (the last book of the New Testament) was the best non sci-fi book ever!

As for my passion, I love teaching (writing skills and the Bible) and helping and encouraging people.

I was born in Connecticut. After my father died my mother and I moved to Ohio. I moved to Israel in 1982, but relocated back to the USA (Michigan) when I married for the first time in 2007. When my husband died in 2010, I returned to Israel to live. I now live in Haifa, Israel with my two cats, Pharaoh and Cleopatra Fluff Fluff.

Contact Dvora @dvoraelisheva Twitter YouTube Instagram Pinterest @dvoraelishevaauthor Facebook Author Website: www.dvoraelisheva.com Blog: www.hope-challenged.com Dvora's book is available for purchase and free previews on Amazon.com Audiobook: awesound.com/audiobook/dhdots

ee Balm and Ash is an essentials oils company that was founded in 2017 by Ashley Tatz. Her blends have been known to assist men & women with fertility, sleep, mental health (anxiety), teething remedies, and so much more!! We had the opportunity to ask her a variety of questions about her company and her overall mission. Please feel free to be INSPIRED by her story and know that doors of success are always open to you.

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The Initial Start & Our Mission While pregnant with my youngest, I started relying on essential oils more for health and less for just aromatherapy. I was given a gift at my baby shower which was a recipe sheet and matching labels for essential oil blends for mothers and baby and it clicked! I could stay at home with my baby, while offering others essential oils ready to use without them needing to buy whole bottles and supplies and do research on oils. I remember when I first started with EO’s, I didn’t feel knowledgeable enough to be confident making my own blends and the cost of some of the oils limited me. I love being able to help others and definitely think EO’s can be intimidating to start using. I like to think I provide the ability to use them for health benefits without being overwhelming.

Always the mission has been to help people! It started as babies and mothers and has expanded to adults and children. I even recently made a custom blend for a dog!

Bee Balm & Ash's Blends I have a well rounded variety available in my shop!

From Immunity boosting to PMS, Teething pain to Focus. My most popular blend is one I made for Fertility for women and have since expanded to offer a male version as well. I am always willing to make a custom blend as well if you have something different in mind.

@beebalm.ash www.beebalmandash.com

Watch MultiplicityAndMe, DissociaDID, The Entropy System, The Labyrinth System, & Jeremy: An Alternate Perspective YouTube channels (mental health focused) for reviews on these oils!!

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DR.PAT FRANKISH About Dr. Pat I’m from the UK and was born here. Never lived outside UK. I’m passionate about my work and about community involvement. I am a local Councillor, church Reader, School Governor, Town Hall Trustee and keen gardener, entering the show every year and collecting a few trophies. I dropped out of school at 16 and went to University when I was 30, with three dependent children, as a lone parent.

Since qualifying I have held the full range of appointments in the NHS up to Director level. I have also been President of the British Psychological Society.

I have run my own practice and business since 2003. I have pioneered Disability Psychotherapy to try to get everyone to recognise and allow the emotional distress of people with the full range of disabilities.

Holistic Therapy & DID THE PURPOSE OF HER BOOK "HOLISTIC THERAPY FOR PEOPLE WITH DID" I have been involved with people with DID and organisations supporting them for some time. About 8 years ago I was directly involved in proposing and providing a holistic package for an individual that has proved to be very effective and kept them safe. It was this work that led to the book. I was familiar with therapy being offered, and sometimes quite intensive therapy but this isn’t enough if they are not safe. I wanted to share what we had learned in the hope of helping others. My 2016 book “Disability Psychotherapy – an Innovative Approach to Trauma Informed Care” describes the model and underpinnings in more detail.

Find reviews on YouTube from MultiplictyAndMe, DissociaDID, The Entropy System, and more during the month of January!!!

How does one benefit from holistic therapy?

Holistic therapy pays attention to all aspects of the lives of the person. They are safe from further abuse and trauma. They also have an opportunity to develop attachments to their support staff which is 24/7, not just their therapist in therapy sessions. They then have the support of these staff after therapy sessions, which enables everyone to feel safer ie reduced risk of self-harm or a return to the cult. The “feeling held” enables much more effective work on the trauma.

The Points &Highlights In Her Book Three key points.

A. Keeping alive. B. Real change and development. C. The DID people I know would choose it. These points are so important because they make the difference between life and death. I know that there are 4 components of effective care and treatment. These are a safe place to live, enough staff to be safe, training for staff in how to work, and therapy to work on the trauma (described in more detail in Disability Psychotherapy as well as this book). Take one of these away and there will be little effective progress with severely affected people..

Dr.Pat's Experience & Realization That Not Everyone Accepts DID My Experience. For all my life I have had contact with and worked with people with intellectual disabilities. This has become broadened to all disabilities. A close colleague, with a similar background, was referred an ID person with DID. This led to her developing a specialist service and I have kept in close touch with this. Then I was asked to help with a non ID person with DID. I asked my colleague to assess, which she did, and I then took on the therapeutic work, with her supervision. This was about 9 years ago. Since then I have been involved in providing a similar holistic package to the one described above and individual outpatient therapy for others with DID. I helped to set up a charity to provide support for people with DID, attending the Clinic for Dissociative Studies, called Paracelsus. I now have a teenager who is clearly DID on my caseload, but others don’t accept the diagnosis.

More Info We have a full range of training courses in Trauma Informed Care and Disability Psychotherapy. We also have some specific DID courses put together by someone with DID who uses our services. They can be accessed through our website. at www.psychologywithcare.co.uk and www.frankishtraining.co.uk

CASEY JONES +18 I grew up on a ranch in eastern New Mexico and escaped my POW home to become a domestic and international Flight Attendant. I studied in Salzburg, Austria and received a Rotary International Fellowship to do graduate studies in Bochum, Germany. While flying for United Airlines, I owned a gag gift company and my products were featured in 6 or 7 major catalogues. In addition, I produced a martial arts training video with the 1988 Olympic Gold Medalist. I am presently completing a Masters in Biblical Counseling and will begin my Doctorate in February of 2019. I play classical piano and speak publically on “Music and the Brain”.

uring the 1980s I was experiencing some very odd behaviors and at times I was unable to control how I treated others, especially men that I was dating. I believe that my alters were terrified of being close to men and they did whatever they could to destroy my romantic relationships.

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In the mid -1980s I was at the Little Bear Bar in Evergreen, Colorado and a drunken male came over to my table and said the F___ word to me. My Protector Alter came forward and the bar’s bouncer asked me to leave, as I had just mashed the drunk’s head on the table. That week I enrolled in Tae Kwon Do classes and I loved learning how to defend myself.

In February of 1990, my father’s death triggered a massive suicidal depression. In December of 1991, I entered therapy and began reliving hundreds of rapes. According to my therapist’s notes, I would blackout, my eyes rolled back inside my head and an alternate personality would step forward.

Casey's Past (Trigger Warning) My childhood on the ranch in New Mexico was unbearable. My father was violent and my mother was filled with hatred at him for having numerous affairs. My older brother Mike began coming into my bedroom during the night. He was a sexual sadist who murdered my pets, broke my bones and to violated my innocence. I endured countless atrocities. Trapped in a world of filled cruelty coming at me from every direction, my mind shattered into alternate personalities, and I escaped into the arms of an angel.

At the age of 20, I found the strength to forge my way in the world, thriving as a flight attendant. But the death of my father in 1990, triggered a massive suicidal depression. After spending eight horror filled years in therapy, I finally left United Airlines and moved back to New Mexico. My therapist hadn’t officially diagnosed me with Multiple Personality Disorder. Years later while I was contemplating writing a book, she sent me her notes and my alters were on every other page.

In 2007, I started dating a doctor, but the truth was far less impressive. He was in fact, a calculating predator impersonating an MD and PhD.We married and he began running up my credit cards flying all over the country speaking at medical conferences. I accidentally discovered that he wasn’t a real doctor and I immediately divorced him. But the stress triggered

my alternate personalities to come out in mass. Once again, I found myself suicidal, in therapy and unable to function. I was officially diagnosed with 19 personalities, by a psychiatrist in Santa Fe. My world had collapsed and I was almost comatose from vivid childhood flashbacks. Echoes of my past returned, when I couldn't fight back.

But this time, it was different, I was certain that "Dr." Belle was actively pursuing another victim. I believe that Christians are commanded by God to stand against evil, we are literally each other’s guardians. So I worked with Oklahoma District Attorney Investigator Matt Steadman and Jeffery Belle was arrested on an outstanding warrant.

One of the main reasons my parents and brother were able to get away with their abuse was “silence”. Not one of my relatives made any attempt to speak out and honestly, most people were unaware of the signs of child abuse during the 1950 and 1960s. A families’ dirty laundry stayed hidden.

Therapy was frowned upon and people who sought help were considered weak.

The only reason I am still alive is my faith in Jesus Christ.

Triggers & Dissociation My triggers have changed over the years as I have healed. In the 1990s I was unable to be around anyone in a cowboy hat or even listen to country western music. Men approaching me from behind were a huge negative. A full refrigerator reminded me of being a servant cooking and cleaning for my mother. I couldn’t fall asleep next to the edge of the bed or sit in a church

sanctuary where I didn’t’ have a clear exit. I still have trouble even today and I will stay in the church Narthex to listen to the sermon rather than sit in the middle of the congregation.

When I was living in Denver and in therapy I couldn’t be away from home more than two hours or I would start screaming or vomiting. If I am feeling threatened my Protector alter comes forward to protect me. He is one of my favorites and he is a gentle big teddy bear that can’t stand to see any child being hurt.

Dissociating helped me as a child, as I was able to mentally escape the torture and rapes. But now it is rarely helpful. As an adult, I don’t want to wake up and not know what I have been doing for the last 6 hours or even days. And there are times, when I have suddenly found myself in another part of my home without any idea how this happened.

There have been many occasions when I didn’t know who would walk out my front door. One friend told that me when I am under a lot of stress, being near me is like being in a mental ward filled with “crazy” children and teenagers who are all begging for the spotlight. I sometimes feel it is very selfish of me to want to be normal, and not have alters. But I have also, grown to love and admire my various personalities. I chose to believe that I am a miracle of God and my alters are a gift to the world of psychiatry.

Grounding Techniques One of the most important things I can do is to tell myself that I am safe and to continually stand up for myself and set boundaries with any friend, relative or

stranger that is being abusive. I have to be careful to always act in love because there are times when I have allowed my brutal honesty to hurt others.

I have told close friends if they see me switch, then they can bring “me” back by gently touching my arm and saying “Casey please come back”.

I also believe that prayer is very important. It is very similar to meditation and visualization techniques, but not all victims can ground themselves with prayer due to a deep rooted distrust for ministers and the clergy. They may also, feel abandoned by God which is exactly what Satan is hoping for. The Deceiver’s greatest desire is for the child’s soul to be destroyed forever or for the child to be consumed by the rage caused by the betrayal by those that were supposed to love and protect them.

Misconceptions I can only speak for myself, but it has been very hurtful to me when people are fearful of being near me. Other individuals have openly stated that they don’t believe me. I was not listened to, believed or protected as a child, so not being believed now, feels like another betrayal.

Of all the children who are abused, the statistics are that 35% may become abusers, but 65% become protectors, teachers, policemen, nurses, flight attendants and victim advocates and this is truly a miracle of God. To be tortured and raped for years without any ability to stop the violence and not become evil is a monumental achievement, in my humble opinion.

There are still experts that don’t believe Dissociative Identity Disorder really exists. But these experts are failing to examine the scientific evidence. There are PET scans that reveal different brain waves with each alternate personality. Electrical storms inside the brain have been documented during the “switching” process. Eye color can change, cheek bones move, as well as life threatening allergies can differ from one alter to another.

Some of the worst abusers are hiding behind a pastoral mask of ministry.

Three ministers have openly attacked me and several of my closest friends were raped by their minister fathers.

I have stopped trying to convince anyone that I am telling the truth. The facts are that I have scar tissue in 3 orifices, bones have been broken and it cost me dearly with years of therapy, my pension and not being able to continue in my career. Personally, I didn’t want to face the truth about my own family and I was there.

Jesus washed his disciples’ feet, but he didn’t set up a foot washing stand for the Pharisees. He didn’t hang out with the perpetrators unless they were willing to stop sinning. I think it is very hateful for anyone to suggest that a victim MUST reconcile with their abuser. In fact, this can be quite dangerous for the emotional and physical health of the victim.

Advice To You Find a professional that has worked with Multiples before and has lots of experience in this area. Be sure to check the professional’s reviews by other clients. Create goals that will nurture your self-esteem and surround yourself with loving friends. If your family has abandoned you, adopt a new family. NEVER allow yourself to be abused again, by anyone including your closest relatives or partner.

Turn to God in every possible way, His wisdom and healing will keep you from committing suicide. Your experiences can be a blessing for others, by speaking out, writing a book, volunteering at a shelter or starting a Bible Study for other victims.

Nurture yourself and find ways to forgive the abusers even if it takes decades. Forgiveness was a very long endeavor for me as I had thousands of violent acts which I had to process.

Fortunately, many eye-witnesses came forward and shared with me their experiences with my family. In addition, God gave me the opportunity to see my mother’s demonic presence revealed and that was the last time I saw her.

In my opinion, focusing for too long on the anger can cause you to be consumed with rage. Forgiving my abusers was nearly impossible for me until, I looked at it from a different angle. I had to start by first appreciating that Christ has forgiven me for all of my sins and there are many. From this point of view then I can forgive those that have harmed me.

Advice To Loved Ones Our society has grown more and more dysfunctional and with so many mothers working. Years ago, the other caregivers were usually grandmothers.

Today there are more opportunities for child abuse from relatives, siblings and strangers. The number of psychopathic men and women has grown exponentially, with some experts now suggesting that at least 1 in 10 males and 1 in 25 females have zero conscious. These are the abusers, they feel no guilt, shame or empathy for others. So killing a child has as much impact on them as killing a fly.

We must be educated to the signs of child abuse and to the huge number of predators that prey upon children in plain sight. And victims must be willing to stand up against evil. Too often society blames the victim and too often we are fearful that the predators will come after us. But if we do nothing, then that predator knows he can keep harming others.

Robert Kennedy said “fear not the path of truth for the lack of people walking on it.”

Self-Reflection from Our Point of View My on-going plea to God for many, many years was “Why? What had I done to deserve this horrific family and why had God allowed it? Why hadn’t He protected me?” One afternoon while writing my book, I suddenly realized that God had been protecting me from the beginning. He placed me in a family that my grandmother taught me piano lessons at a very early age.

In addition, this same grandmother was reading scripture to me and telling me about Jesus.

My alternate personalities were formed as a safeguard so that I wouldn’t completely “crack” under the betrayal and the horror of my abuse. God had “gifted” me with alternate personalities and they displayed enormous courage by stepping forward and enduring the violent acts. They shielded me from the evil that surrounded me in every corner of my childhood home.

I married an adulterer and then I married a con man, both times I was repeating my abuse and re-victimizing myself. It is very common for someone who has been wounded in childhood to do this, for several reasons. We may be unconsciously trying to “fix” the past by replaying it.

This time they will love me, if I dress in the right way, cook the right food, clean the house perfectly, be the right person. But the perpetrators are empty vacuums that can never be filled, their demands will continue no matter what you do to make them happy.

In other situations, we may feel unworthy for a normal healthy relationship, so we pick damaged people who won’t leave us. We feel like dirty filthy rags because we were never protected or loved by our families.

In addition, our role models have been with dysfunctional and sometimes evil parents, so we haven’t got a clue what a healthy relationship should look like.

Our boundaries were so violated as children that we don’t have any limits on how much abuse we will allow from others.

Why Did Casey Create Her Book "And The Angel Rocked Me" Standing up against evil gave me the incentive to write my book. It took me nearly three years to complete the writing and I spent at least six months devoted exclusively to research on the psychopathic personalities that it takes to abuse a child. I also, studied various forms of child abuse and how it affects the child’s brain. Humans are wired for love on a cognitive and cellular level. Without a protective nurturing family environment areas of the child’s brain will wither. On a PET scan these areas look like dead tree branches caused by both trauma and neglect.

In addition, I have spent years studying my own diagnosis of DID, the healing process, and how learning to play a musical instrument is effective in rebuilding the brain’s neurological pathways.

Writing is an intense project. At first, I was uncertain if I was up to the challenge of how to write a book about a childhood when I had so few memories of it. So I started with just a few seconds of a flashback and over time, more and more pieces of the puzzle filtered back until I could fill-in the blanks. There were many months of revisions, reading and rereading the book until it began to flow and felt like I was back in the same room where it was happening. Of course, this was detrimental at the same time, I was waking up in the middle of the night screaming, banging me head on the floor or suicidal. The Bible says that IF you endure the suffering (and you will suffer) then there are blessings waiting for you. Or maybe this is my interpretation of scriptures, but it helped sustain me during the worst times of my life.

@AndTheAngelRockedMe www.andtheangelrockedme.com Watch reviews on YouTube!! Join the Giveaway!!

@dissociadid

"If we can reach the world, even just a little bit at a time, and ensure that other people may not need experience the things we suffered through, then every single one of our struggles was worth it."

Our Journey, Our Life

About Chloe I’m an entrepreneur! I work as a Mental Health Advocate and Social Media Influencer under our System name: DissociaDID. We are active on YouTube providing weekly education and advice on Dissociative Identity Disorder and other mental illnesses. I personally enjoy art, philosophy, writing, poetry, animals, and memes.

When Did We Notice An Alter? Who Was It? My first experience of hearing a voice in my head and recognising that – at least on some level – it wasn’t me, was during my first suicide attempt. I now know that this voice was my primary protector, Kyle. I was in a college bathroom, and I had swallowed 2 boxes of paracetamol. I was crying, and I was scared, but also very dissociated and numb. I knew there was no going back from that point.

I heard a male voice calming me, telling me he would support me no matter what happened, and that everything was going to be okay. This was the first time I really acknowledged that there was no way this voice could be “me”. I felt a warmth that wasn’t really there. The toilet cubicle itself was cold and dark, and I felt like I was being sucked inside my own head, into a dark room with this voice. It sounds scary, telling you about it now, but meeting Kyle was the least frightening thing I was experiencing in that moment.

He told me that I needed to eat, to line my stomach. I didn’t want to listen and protested strongly, as I knew that would damage my chances of a successful suicide attempt. A few seconds later, it felt as though I had fallen into a trance-like state. I was co-conscious with Kyle, meaning that if you imagine the human body as a car, we were essentially sharing the to drive. I was sitting in the passenger seat, watching, inwardly hysterical and frightened, while Kyle took the wheel. I could see and feel everything that was happening, but had no mental strength to control it.

Kyle took us to the cafeteria, where he made us eat a muffin, and then firmly turned and walked us to the college reception office. I felt like a prisoner in my own body, screaming inside my head for him to please not tell anyone. We reached the receptionist and suddenly he took a ‘step back’ into the passenger seat. I regained control of my body with a thump. I could still feel him there with me, although he was quiet. I remember the receptionist looking at me, waiting for me to say something, and I burst into tears. I told her I had taken some pills. She rang an ambulance, and I spent the next 24 hours in hospital, vomiting every 15 minutes and in a lot of pain, to put it mildly. In the simplest terms, Kyle saved my life.

The Beginning For Us The first time I remember dissociating was at the age of 8. My memories of childhood before that are scarce, which is common for individuals with DID. I remember leaving the house and getting in the car to be driven to school, and feeling vaguely concerned that I wasn’t sure whether or not I was dreaming.

Nothing felt real, or solid, it was as though I was watching someone else’s life, someone else’s body, like a character in a video game. By the age of 11 I was suffering from severe

depression. I blamed the huge changes in emotion, amnesia missing time where I couldn’t remember anything that happened, and the numbness on that. It never crossed my mind that it could possibly be anything else. I didn’t say a word about the depression until I was 16. I spent a few months summoning up the courage to secretly visit my GP, and eventually managed to tell him I was suicidal and self-harming, begging for help. He looked me in the eyes and said, “You don’t look depressed.”

Years later when I asked him why he didn’t provide me with treatment, he told me he thought I was too young for it. I explained that by withholding medication and waiting for me to reach my older years, he reduced the chance that I would I have even managed to live that long.

A few months later, I saw a counsellor via the NHS. Both of us were confused by my feelings. I couldn’t manage to explain a single thing that was wrong with my life that could have been making me feel so horrendously full of agony. I now know that this is because my alters were experiencing a lot of abuse for me. When an Alter fronts, it usually results in complete amnesia.

No other Alters, (nor the host, who is also technically an Alter,) will be able to remember what happened in the time when another Alter was fronting (in control of the body) - unless they were co-conscious at the time. Some Systems can, but this is more likely to be OSDD, rather than DID. The abuse I had been experiencing myself, as Chloe, I dissociated from. I was so deeply in denial about it, that I had never even recognised it was abuse at all. Therefore, it never crossed my mind to mention it.

All I knew was that it made me feel bad, and guilty, and worthless. As I couldn’t put my finger on anything that was wrong with my life, I convinced myself it was the lack of serotonin in my brain causing my depression, and felt reassured by the idea that it must be a biological issue, rather than environmental, that was eating me from the inside out.

After my first suicide attempt, when Kyle saved my life, a member of the Crisis Team came to see me. She walked me through a list of questions as I was very elegantly throwing up into a kidney dish (not my most attractive moment), one of which was, “Do you hear voices?”. I was embarrassed, exhausted, and tried to make light of the situation. I responded by saying “No different than anyone else does.” She asked me to elaborate on what I meant. “Your inner voice, internal monologue, that sort of thing.”

Before that day I had never questioned whether or not the voices I heard were normal. However, experiencing Kyle talking to me and acknowledging what I had just been through, had put me on edge. Otherwise, I would have promptly responded with “No, I don’t hear voices”, as I always had done before. When the Crisis Team member asked me once again to elaborate further, her face started to show her concern. I watched as her eyebrows pushed together, and her mouth drew itself into a thin line. She gently told me, “That’s not what everyone else hears. That’s not the same as an internal monologue, as you just described it. You need to talk to a doctor about this.”

First I saw a psychiatrist. I was finally given some medication, which helped considerably with the suicidal thoughts. I told him I was hearing voices and that they frightened me. Ever since I

became aware that these thoughts weren’t “normal”, I felt like they had become self-aware. I was terrified they were going to take over my body, like Kyle had. I thought I was possessed. I couldn’t find answers anywhere. I felt like no one was listening, and that no one took me seriously. I had never been so afraid in my life. My psychiatrist brushed me off and said, “Hearing voices is nothing to worry about.” And sent me on my way.

Now, I’m not a psychiatrist, or a doctor, but I know I’m intelligent. A straight A and A* student, always at the top of my class. I know that when you start hearing voices, that’s not a good sign. Regardless of whether this man thought it was nothing or not, the fact that it was distressing me made it relevant. I stopped seeing him. DBT and group therapy didn't prove helpful for me either. It was my next therapist who brought up the phrase Dissociative Identity Disorder. I rejected the idea, beginning to once again repress everything that was happening. I consoled myself with the knowledge that I was going to university, to start a new life; a better life. That’s when everything really changed.

with brown eyes, have vibrant hair that I dye a new combination of colours every month, and I like to play around with makeup and temporary artistic expression on the body. I can’t make any permanent changes like tattoos or piercings, as we share the body and not everybody wants them! We do have our ears pierced though.

I’ve lived in the same place all my life. My alters exist to protect me from trauma, and from memories of abuse. When I moved away, their roles weren’t being fulfilled, as there was no trauma in this new place to protect me from. At least, not at the start.

They became restless, and we all started to become more aware of each other. At university I started to lose entire days from my memory. I didn’t know where I’d gone, sometimes I would ‘come to’ and have no idea where I was. People approached my calling by different names and insisting they knew me. There were marks on my body I hadn’t left on myself. Writing left in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. I missed lectures, appointments, meetings, social engagements, every day was stolen away from me. I tried to see a therapist as a final bid for help, and switched out on the bus. I came back to 4 hours later, aimlessly wandering around the town, having missed the appointment. Within a week, my partner had left me, the university informed me I was unfit to study and were kicking me out, and my grandfather had passed away. I felt like I had lost control over everything; my future, my present, my education, my relationships, my independence, my body and my mind. I was horrified. I believed it was the universe trying to tell me that it was the end for me, it was time to go. In one month, I had 4 suicide attempts, was reported missing by the police, and eventually ended up in hospital, after which I was taken back to my family home. Two months later, I met a psychiatrist specialising in DID and Trauma, and received an official diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder. From there, I began to learn about what my life was really like, and how we needed to work together as a System in order to survive.

Jade is a Protector and our Gatekeeper. She has a very rich inner-world life and backstory. She is well spoken and doesn’t give over trust easily. She has no specific age but is an adult, and has aged over time from 11 years old when she first appeared in the System. Jade is the only member of our System who can file memories and trauma. She is also the only one who can access the carousel in our Inner-world, which is located in the basement of the mansion where we all live. We have lots of videos about how inner worlds work, why they exist, and what ours is like. Jade has even made her own Meet The Alters video introducing herself and explaining her relationships between the System, as well as how she was created. She wears exclusively black or dark green, often floor length dresses, and a necklace that is very important for her role in the system. She’s extremely slender, very pale, and has waist length black hair and green eyes.

Our System In our System, we have 24 Alters that we are aware of, and a few more who are dormant. A System is the collective name for all the Alters in one body. We are known as the DissociaDID System. I can’t tell you about everyone, but I can tell you about some of the Alters you can meet on our YouTube Channel and other social medias!

I’m Chloe, and I’m the host. That means I’m the Alter who’s out the most often, and deals with daily life. I’m 22 years old. I run DissociaDID, which is our YouTube channel dedicated to providing education and advice surrounding DID and Mental Health; and we also do fun videos which show how different alters use the body, like our My Alter Does My Makeup series. I run all our social media and am a very friendly and affectionate person by nature, but prone to severe bouts of depression, dissociation, panic attacks and derealisation. I’m 5ft 2, pale

Kyle is our Primary Protector. He’s 19 years old and has a strong Essex accent. He’s very good at organisation and knows everything that goes on inside the system. He has a lot of power in the internal world and can go pretty much anywhere. He takes care of the littles and our other Alters, and generally oversees everyone in the System to make sure we are all doing what needs to be done and are okay. You can meet him yourself on our channel if you like, he makes his own videos and is very active on our Twitter page. He loves a good laugh and, like me, is very fond of memes. He’s an extremely chill guy! Kyle is around 5ft 10, has blue eyes, black spiky hair, a small nose, pale skin, and likes to wear hoodies.

Nadia is our Spiritual Protector/Healer. She has Native American heritage and loves all things natural and bright. She is EXTREMELY energetic which often wears the body out, and is very social and friendly. She exudes positivity and fun. She enjoys experiencing nature and connecting with the world we live in, and also loves art and yoga. Nadia has always been interested in exploring and appreciating other cultures and is currently researching Wicca. She has dark skin, black hair which she wears in two plaits, brown eyes, and is slim. She generally wears layered, loose clothing with various levels of transparency, long skirts and turquoise or feather jewellery.

Our Alters vary massively in terms of personality and appearance! Some are children, some are older than the body, we have Alters that are dark skinned, light skinned, and of Asian heritage. We have Alters with eating disorders and separate mental health issues, alters who are overweight and alters who are slim, alters with high sex drives and alters with none, and a whole rainbow of sexual orientations. We have different relationships with external people and with each other, different tastes in clothing, food, educational topics, different views on life and religion. We are a vibrant and eclectic mix of individuals, and we are all trying to share our experiences and knowledge to make the world a more understanding and informed space for people with mental illnesses.

Dissociating Dissociating can happen due to triggers, feeling overwhelmed, tired, or randomly. As for switching, certain Alters are more like to front in certain situations based on their role in the System.

For example, if someone is physically threatening or being abusive, Ruby – one of our protectors who handles anger and is very intimidating – would be more likely to step forward and keep us safe than say Sally, who is very caring and delicate, and would probably be upset and not know how to handle the situation.

Triggers can be related to trauma, so for example some people are triggered by shouting, or blood, or they can be completely random. There are also positive triggers which may encourage an alter to front, for example Kyle will regularly front and eat my dinner if I dissociate, because he likes food and also because he’s a nuisance ;) Yes (dissociation does help us), although it can also be extraordinarily frustrating and frightening. When dissociating you feel separate from everything that is happening to you. It’s impossible to really feel anything. This can mean that traumatic or painful situations don’t hurt me as deeply as they would otherwise.

when entering their personal space. Be prepared for Alters who may be untrusting or unkind – they are there to protect the System from threats, and they need time, reassurance and love. Be gentle. People with DID have been very, very hurt, or they would not have this disorder. They cannot get rid of, kill, or otherwise remove any of their Alters. You don’t need to like them all, but respect and acceptance is non-negotiable.

Self-Reflection Over time we have begun to piece together parts of our lives.

We have learned to respect each other and ALWAYS put the System first. We learned the hard way that the way our mind is compartmentalized, we are not supposed to have one person dealing with everything on their own. Our brain just doesn't function in the same way yours might. We have evolved in a way that demands we all play a role, and that’s okay! This doesn’t make us broken. It doesn’t make us odd. It makes us resilient, it makes us strong, and it makes us powerful. If we can reach the world, even just a little bit at a time, and ensure that other people may not need experience the things we suffered through, then every single one of our struggles was worth it.

How Do We Feel About Our Body?

Everyone is frustrated by not being able to have our own body.

As our body is biologically female, all our male alters experience gender dysphoria which can be very difficult. Also, if you’re a 6ft2, Asian man in his late 40’s, like Gregory, it can be very difficult to have a conversation with someone who sees you as your body is – a 5ft 2, 22 year old white woman – and it's also unpleasant to look in the mirror and see someone else looking back at you. Some of us want tattoos, others hate them. Most of the boys want to keep our hair cut short, many of the girls prefer it longer. Someone might want Indian food for dinner, while a little (a child Alter) might make a fuss about wanting to eat turkey dinosaurs and spaghetti hoops. It’s also frustrating not being able to share external experiences with each other unless we are co-conscious. It requires a LOT of communication, respect and co-operation, and a lot of sacrifices, to make it through a normal day.

Jade

Our Advice To You We have lots of videos that provide advice about various situations when living with DID, regardless of whether you are new to this or not. Relationships work differently for every System, but the most important thing is developing communication between your Alters. Some people may be completely unable to reach their Alters for a long time, others will be able to achieve co-consciousness or hear their alters from the very beginning. Give yourself, and your System, time.

Make sure you are there for each other, whether you like each other or not, as without all of you, you wouldn’t have made it this far. Every single one of you is important.

Advice To Loved Ones DID and the Alters of your loved one may not behave in the ways you expect them to. DID is a vastly diverse disorder! It’s extremely important to remember that this is a trauma related disorder. LISTEN to every Alter. Try to understand that just because one Alter told you something, it doesn’t mean you can then share that information with another. Alters have their own memories, and have experienced different types of people, and will therefore have a separate understanding of the world that reflects their personal experiences. The opinions of one Alter may not reflect the views of the whole System. Be careful

Chloe

Nadia Kyle

About Jess My name is Jess, I’m 27 years old from Wales in the UK. I work as a full time support service supervisor - my amazing team supports the vulnerable in the community to live independently in their own homes. I have a passion for learning and have a bachelors of science (honours) degree in Clinical and health psychology, and until I had my baby at the end of summer, I was in Postgraduate training to become a psychotherapist to someday support others just like myself

Hobbies-wise I love nothing more than my home comforts spending time with friends, pets, my adorning hubby and 4 month old daughter. I’m thoroughly enjoying learning the ropes of being a new mum and it certainly keeps me on my toes! I love keeping busy with routine and structure, so it suits me wonderfully as I’m a big believer that good routine has been the key to keeping up my mental health Our Journey When I was six years old, I was best friends with the kindest boy I’d ever met. We played together and he was always there for me when I was sad. We’d make blanket forts and watch Disney movies together until I felt less scared - until I felt safe again.

Jake helped me whenever I needed a friend - someone to protect me from the things that made me scares. One day, this kind boy - Jake, and I, tried to create an imaginary friend for fun a hamster - but when we opened our eyes and saw nothing scurrying around in our hands, we gave up and went to play something else... little did I know that Jake was just as invisible as the hamster we’d tried to create... he was an alter - a part of ‘me’ that never became whole.

I soon forgot about Jake, although every now and then we would talk, but it wasn’t until I was around 13 years old that my best friend at the time said “what you do isn’t normal...” that I realised my life was different to everyone else. No one else had people in my head like I did... I thought I was crazy or that I must’ve gone mad. I was terrified of what people at school would think of me now.

I felt completely out of control, I started having flashbacks of these horrendous memories - of trauma that I had when I was young, night terrors like I was a child again, and id been plagued by unexplained panic attack’s since I was 9 years old.

I tried to be “normal” like everyone else at school, but it was a struggle just to stay present in class. I thought things were going well until one day in drama class. The class once again told me that I’d been speaking in an American accent - something that I’d been apparently doing every performance since we’d begun, but I wouldn’t believe them - I was adamant I’d performed in my own accent. The teacher had filmed the entire thing for an exam, and when he showed me the footage back, I realised it was Jake - the little boy who had been in my head for years had now grown up and was able to somehow take over my body The shock was horrifying - I couldn’t believe that these people in my head were able to “come out” and control my body. I worked extra hard to suppress them from there on in and it wasn’t until university that my life was changed again. My professor had noted my drastic fluctuations in weekly assessments and asked me about what I was experiencing – it was then that she suggested finding a diagnosis as the university could then support me through my studies.

I met with one of the UK’s leading specialists who was able to

diagnose me with dissociative identity disorder – but when I researched the condition, all I could find was the Hollywood stereotype of living in a straitjacket with no life prospects… he assured me that he knew doctors, teachers, nurses and lawyers with this disorder, and that it doesn’t necessarily stop others from living a functional life.

With that in mind, I decided more than anything that I wanted to erase this stigma and show the world that I was just a normal girl who could work, go to university and have good relationships – if I could just make one person feel less alone and like they had a future with this disorder, I could sleep easier at night… little did I know my efforts would attain 100,000 subscribers some years later and that I’d inadvertently begin a movement for others with DID to speak up against the stigma too. It’s been truly lifechanging.

Our System My system is one big family and I’d like to think it represents the harmony of each part working together – an equilibrium between each piece of us A.Jamie, who’s 29, grew up the golden boy, a handsome, intelligent Prince Charming type with blonde hair and green eyes.

He’s a socialite with a big ego to boot and yet he has a fun and caring side too. He’s the number two for the system and makes all big decisions - his role would be known as a protector/gatekeeper. He also looks after us when we’re unwell and is always there to give his relaxed, level-headed advice.

B. Jake, now 26, is Jamie’s younger brother. He’s 5’6” with a boy next door look - bright royal blue eyes and rich brown hair. He’s a very bubbly, positive and encouraging person and likes to see the best in everyone. He’s a big animal lover and is vegetarian. He also enjoys meditating and generally keeping active wherever he can. Despite his size, Jake is a protector for the system and has the main fight or flight response for any physical confrontation C. Ollie, 16, is Jamie’s son. He’s a completely carefree part without any ties to trauma, so often comes out simply to chill out.

He enjoys playing video games, jelly sweets, and riding his bike in the sunshine. After Ollie’s been out, I tend to feel a lot less stressed, almost as if he’s reset our batteries!

D. Ed, 31 is Jamie’s husband. He struggles a lot with trauma memories but does his best to give it the finger! He’s tall, slim and has been described as a “glitter goth” in his style. He’s extremely artsy and is the only one of us who is left handed. He’s fabulous at cooking and adores taking care of family - whether it’s his or my own. Ed used to struggle a lot with self infliction, and could be called a “persecutor”, though he is doing his best to get better from any self harming behaviours.

Dissociating I think dissociating has genuinely been a life saver through the traumas and stressors we’ve faced over the years. It’s allowed me to have the life I lead that I may not have been able to otherwise if I had known the trauma I’d been faced with.

We’ve done our best to desensitize ourselves to whatever triggers we are faced with by throwing ourselves in the deep end with life’s experiences, but of course, triggers can still come out of the blue.

Jamie would tend to come forward to diffuse or remove us from a situation Jake would be the fight or flight choice thereafter And sadly, if it’s a sexual trigger, it’s often Ed who suffers with any flashbacks and consequences.

I think dissociating has genuinely been a life saver through the traumas and stressors we’ve faced over the years. It’s allowed me to have the life I lead that I may not have been able to otherwise if I had known the trauma I’d been faced with.

about us and we should therefore never let those negative beliefs get us down! Instead, we educate and do our best to raise awareness by busting those stereotypes that the media has sadly created.

Not Being In Your Own Body Jamie: I don’t feel attachment to the body as “my own”, therefore I don’t really feel much in the way of dysmorphia. Ollie and Ed seem to feel a similar way, though I know Jake struggles with being in a body of the opposite gender – he’s far more attached than the rest of us. Personally, I tend to find more comfort from our ‘inner world’ and the life I live inside. I see this as Jess’s life, and although I’d love the opportunity to have my own body to show others exactly who they are talking to, it doesn’t bother me for the most part.

We get so many thankful comments on a daily basis about the impact we’ve made and the changes we’ve made to people’s perceptions. And we’ve made such huge changes to the perception society has about us simply by being ourselves, and if that isn’t validating, I don’t know what is!

Jake: I would give anything to have a life of my own out here! My own job, my own body, my own girlfriend! Jess is a straight female but I’m a straight male; I’ve come to terms with the fact that we are set to live ‘one’ life now, but the gender dysphoria is something I don’t think I’ll ever get over… it’s super hard knowing that the person you’re talking to doesn’t see you as you… it makes you feel completely invisible…

Grounding Techniques I know it’s cliché, but breathing techniques are my lifesaver.

Particularly diaphragmatic breathing and mindfulness. Jake taught me this amazing thing with a ‘smoke’ visualization – you close your eyes and see yourself inhaling white ‘cleansing’ smoke, and exhaling all of your negative emotions in whatever colours you associate with them – red smoke for anger, blue for sadness, purple for anxiety… and keep breathing until those strong colours begin to fade and become paler… I always find myself feeling so much better after it’s all ‘breathed out’.

Sometimes the trolls get us down, but it’s all worth it when we read just one of the many success stories from well wishers that give us their personal thanks – whether it’s someone who realized what they were suffering with and went to get the help they needed, someone who’s no longer afraid to be ‘out’ about their condition, or someone who’s simply regained hope that they don’t have the bleak future that many expect of people like us – every message is worth a thousand cynics. Whether it’s sufferers or supporters of those with this disorder, those are the reasons we continue to do what we do!

Advice To Family & Friends Each system is different and each alter is different. You’re learning and the alters are learning to get to be comfortable being open with you too. Don’t be afraid to ask who may be out or how to address that person – again, communication is key – not just between alters, but between friends and family members too.

Contact MultiplicityAndMe YouTube: MultiplicityAndMe Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/multiplicityandme Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/multiplicityandme

Advice To You & Incorporating Self-Love Communication and cooperation are things we place the biggest importance on – when I tried to suppress and ignore my alters, things got worse – amnesia became stronger, and the alters essentially rebelled. When we built bridges and began to negotiate and understood how we all felt, that’s when we truly began to understand one another and appreciate each others perspectives.

Self love and acceptance has been incredibly important to our stabilization and positive mental health today. Afterall, whether you have DID or not, learning to love and appreciate every part of you will undoubtedly have a positive impact on your overall wellbeing Misconceptions I like to think I’ve been that living proof against many misconceptions that people have not just of DID, but having a mental health diagnosis in general. I have always worked, I have a nice job, a postgraduate degree, my own home, a lovely husband and now a baby too! All these things sceptics believe would all be unattainable for those with a disorder like mine, so I find the key is just to be me! Well, us...! I feel like by putting ourselves out there as we are, we get to disprove anyone who’s doubtful. Even just being viewed as an approachable young female with friendly male alters goes against the Hollywood stereotypes of people like us being axe-wielding maniacs.

How do you all feel about the impact you have had on helping to bring more awareness to DID? We’ve learned that we are greater than what the stigma says

Twitter: https://twitter.com/multiplicityand Tumblr: www.multiplicityandme.tumblr.com Tumblr (the alters): www.multiplicityandwe.tumblr.com Patreon: http://www.patreon.com/multiplicityandme Send them Cool Stuff!!

P.O. Box: [alters name if wanted @] MultiplicityAndMe PO BOX 141 Cwmbran NP449DG Wales, UK

Jake Jamie

Ollie Ed

jess

. s u s i s i Th

Jeremy: An Alternate Perspective

Team PiĂąata

@jeremeerplus

I'm Nan, and I'm the long-term host. That means I've used this body the most, the longest. I love drawing and creating things. Creativity is my passion and I've delved into the arts of drawing and storytelling from a young age. I've been working on a single graphic novel for 6 years. I'm body-age 29, am an eccentric, passionate individual, identify as agender, and hope to publish my graphic novel one day.

When Was An Alter Noticed?

Though I wasn't aware he was an alter then, I remember feeling my first primary protector's presence in 6th grade. I referred to him as 'cat' for a very long time, but he later ended up saying his name was 'Risk'.

From the time I first noticed him, to when I became aware of him, Risk was in charge of keeping me in internal pain, to numb me to the external pain. He also kept me from particularly harmful Trauma memories for a very very long time.

Our Journey (Trigger Warning for Suicide) Though I know my childhood composed of many repeated Traumas, I still to this day have trouble connecting to any of those memories. My childhood is composed of just blips of memories. Throughout elementary school, junior high, and high school, all my memories are essentially clips. I didn't realize that I was supposed to be remembering more. I would be told many different things about how I acted, and many things happened that I wasn't sure how they happened. Only when I began living on my own after college did it finally sink in how much time I was losing and how dramatic the ways 'I' was supposedly acting differed.

In 2011, I began receiving violent and angry video messages from my first protector Risk. I called him 'Cat' at the time. There were multiple consecutive hospitalizations for suicidal intention and self-injury, and from the period of 2011-2014, I remember very very little. I was able to get a handle on myself and was able to move out of my hometown in early 2016. I was avidly doing DID research, because at that point I was more than just a little suspicious. Through a series of very stressful events and the inevitable return of suicidal thinking, my current primary protector Jeremy split off.

Jeremy was the first alter who ever reached out to me as themself. He would leave written notes around the room I was renting, and he began talking to my family and friends as himself. He spoke of other alters who he became aware of and at first, I was terrified. After one final hospitalization, and a 30-day stay in a crisis center, I had become aware of Jeremy, Kit, Ace, Sadie, and Risk. Evan soon split after that, Agnes was discovered, Cal ended up splitting off, and so on.

For about a year, myself and Jeremy both repeatedly pushed to get answers as to what was going on with us. We all suspected it was dissociative identity disorder, but the treatment team we were seeing at the time wanted more time to learn and document. Finally, our treatment team felt there was no doubt about the authenticity of the D.I.D., and a formal diagnosis was given.

That's simply the beginning however. Every day, we live with D.I.D. and every day, we must keep adapting. We practice communication every day. We must actively remember to keep a strict schedule, write notes to each other, and compromise. Living with D.I.D. is a full-time gig.

Luckily, it has gotten easier to live with with practice, openness, and support. I'm so grateful for my fellow alters and the amazing friends and professionals we've had the privilege of knowing.

Our System - Nan, age 23 (body age 29), longterm host, creative, passionate, stubborn, brown haired Californian agender person with glasses - Jeremy, age 26, primary protector and cohost, compassionate, nervous, blonde haired Canadian male - Kit, age 14, trauma-free alter, fun-loving, energetic, Latina girl who loves anime

--Ace, age 19, sexual protector, sassy, reckless, skinny genderqueer person with blue spiked hair, Seth's sibling - Seth, age 20, physical protector, laid back, care free, impulsive, bleach blonde mohawked male, Ace's brother - Cal, age 32, physical protector and gatekeeper, stoic, sarcastic, composed, tall dark-haired Filipino male, Agnes's partner - Agnes, age 22, trauma-holder, innocent, loves to garden, gingerhaired female with freckles, Cal's partner - Leslie, age 17, trauma-holder and previous host, pronounced stutter, depressed, angry, Wiccan, sharp-eyed witch girl with bright red hair - Evan, age 16, trauma-holder, depressed, angry, masks with humor, black haired chubby goth male were-cat, integrated alter (Risk and 'Old Evan') - Tommy, age 7, trauma-holder and protector, mute, loves to learn, wears a cowboy outfit, blonde haired boy with missing front top teeth - Sadie, age slides 3-5, trauma-holder, holds the earliest known trauma, loves cats, active imagination, shy long brown haired girl - Madison, age slides 4-8 (?), trauma-holder, likes small spaces, not much yet known, long hair - Nadeen, age unknown, persecutor protector, not much yet known, long nails, long hair, red lips - Shasta, age 19, emotional protector, dedicated, emotional, big nosed male fictive from Nan's graphic novel

Triggers & Dissociation Usually, if I get triggered and dissociate, Jeremy will come to the front, since his communication with me is the best, and I trust him to take care of any situation he comes across. Usually, Cal or Jeremy will switch to the front after a child has been using the body. The children usually are triggered front by toys or a favorite food, or a trauma stimulus. Jeremy, for instance, really likes coffee, and will often 'push' closer to consciousness when it's around.

(Dissociation) If it didn't genuinely help me, my brain wouldn't have learned this unconscious coping mechanism. Dissociation is a symptom of trauma disorders in general, not just D.I.D. so it's caused by the brain's inability to cope with reality at that moment. The brain MUST detach itself. Though dissociation causes many unpleasant or irritating effects, such as amnesia or flashbacks, these can be minimized with grounding practice.

Life with One Body It's difficult to only have so much time to live life, and having to juggle it between so many people with so many different needs and wants and hopes and wishes etc etc, it gets overwhelming. What one of us does, impacts the entire system, so autonomy doesn't really even exist for an individual alter. Of course, this is how we as systems were developed to function, and there's necessity to our system's structure. However, it's pretty sad to have to share ONE singular timeline in ONE singular body.

Advice To You If You Relate To Us For myself, external communication was the start of everything. I had to get to know my alters externally first before any Another key component of getting to know my alters and establishing system cohesion, is finding something to bond over, such as a common interest. Our entire system seems to be drawn towards creativity and creative projects. This drive to create has pulled us together and it's amazing what we've learned about each other through our various arts.

Also, it's important to know that you yourself are worthwhile. You deserve respect and understanding. It may take a bit to find for some, but I believe safety exists for everyone. Don't give up. Keep searching.

You and your system deserves it.

Advice to Family & Friends To your loved one with DID, what they're experiencing is very real. It's very confusing, scary, and debilitating. I encourage friends and family to approach each alter as their own person, yet keep in mind that everyone is working together to best support your loved one. Everyone is doing the very best they can at any given moment.

Self-Reflection The most important thing I've learned is the value creativity has in my life. The way it's connected me and my system has been invaluable.

Creativity has also given my life meaning and a reason to try to push through the tough times. I've also learned about resilience. When one has been through life-shattering situations throughout their life, one learns something about the resilience that exists inside oneself. I and my system have surprised myself on so many occasions with how much tenacity we all seem to have. Learning that I'm not alone, and I can rely on others for help has been pivotal.

The Entropy System

@entropy_system

TheEntropyWe.

W

ho is your host?

Wyn and Kit. As “Host” is the term used to describe the person in a system that is in charge of outside living; in our system, we have two who fill that role.

About Us Kit- I’m definitely a type A personality. One of the most exciting days of the year for me is when I get to pick out a planner for the next twelve months. Don’t get me wrong, though, I also love to have fun. I’m a bit of a social diva and I love being in large groups of people. Anything that lets me show off is something I will enjoy. Dancing, karaoke, you name it and I’m down. When I’m on my own, my hobby is illustration. I love creating characters and telling stories in my own unique style.

Wyn- I love learning, simple as that. Once I find a new topic I’m interested in, I dive in and try to learn everything I can. As new interests pop up fairly regularly for me, I am more of a “jack of all trades and master of none,” when it comes to my varied and growing interests. I just finished my BS in Geology and I’m now looking into the different careers available to me in that field. In the meantime, I manage my YouTube account where I educate people about what it’s like to live with DID. I am also a big fan tabletop gaming and anime with my artistic hobby being painting gaming miniatures.

Noticing That I Am An Alter (Wyn) Having DID is difficult for a number of reasons but one of the things I find most frustrating is that outsiders expect there to be a personality that is more real than the others. I understand why they think this way. The idea of multiplicity is foreign, and people understand foreign things better if they have something familiar to latch to within it. I’d like to encourage people to view us all as equally real, though, with none more solid than the others.

To answer the question, Daniel was the first alter that I was really truly aware of as a headmate. It was very confusing getting to know him. When he would take control of the body, I would be very close to him consciously, so it almost felt like I was still in control of the body too. This caused me to question my gender identity and I wondered if I was gender fluid. It took a while for me to realize that when I “was” Daniel, I wasn’t just a male version of myself. Daniel was a completely different person with different likes, dislikes, and even memories than me. Of course, he always understood this, but it took time for me to wrap my head around.

By this time, I was years free from anything even remotely resembling trauma in my life. The entire system had stayed hidden from me while they were helping me survive trauma.

Now that we were all safe, it was my turn to help them.

Staying hidden from me meant that they denied themselves any meaningful connections or investments in the outside world. Since I had spent my life living in the outside world, I would be filling the role of ambassador for them now.

Kit- The first one of the headmates (our word for alter) I was aware of was a boy named Josh. I was fleshed out as a unique being just a few months after he was. The body was 4 at the time, and I was headmate number four. Josh was sweet and full of adventure. He loved to hide and

always had a mischievous grin on his face. I feel like he influenced my wild nature a bit. He and I were best friends.

I continued to grow up but he didn’t age. Even though he was stuck as a perpetual child, our friendship never faltered. He integrated recently. This means that he stopped being a unique personality and merged with one of the others. Alters can’t ever die or disappear, but there is no longer a headmate that identifies as “Josh”. It was his choice to integrate and he was excited about it. I try to be happy for him, but I miss him a lot.

Our Story & Journey with DID Wyn- I’d rather not go into the details of the trauma we experienced, but DID is developed in direct response to severe, repeated childhood trauma. Each of us were fleshed out to play a role that helped us survive those traumas. As was stated before, I was the alter in charge of outside living. In a way, I was the one who made sure the system was kept secret from anyone who could hurt us.

After all, how could I betray a secret I wasn’t even aware of? However, this also meant I spent my life trying to explain weird occurrences that logically didn’t make sense.

How did those strangers know my name? Why did it feel like that week only had three days? How did I forget this important piece of information again? Eventually I just decided that I was chronically irresponsible, forgetful, and relied on other people to keep me on track. This both built upon and fed into a mindset that I wasn’t as good as everyone else and couldn’t be independent.

When I was in the army, I met my best friend and soon-tobe-husband Andrew. He was the first person I ever remember taking me aside and saying “no, this stuff isn’t normal. What’s going on?” Neither of us suspected DID. I don’t even think either of us knew it was a real thing. I decided to get help and was diagnosed with PTSD. All my different dissociative episodes--times where I would feel like I had become invisible or that I had turned into a fairy or shrunk to a small size--were all accredited to the PTSD. One day I joined a talk group for survivors of childhood trauma that I met my therapist. She was also a specialist in childhood trauma and dissociative disorders. There was something about her that really drew me to want to be her patient. She took me in and almost immediately recognized what was going on. She was careful not to jump to conclusions, though. Even after she decided that I likely had DID, she didn’t present it to me as a certain possibility

until much later. We had a lot of sessions of talk therapy and memory processing to make sure she was reading my situation correctly and not off on a wrong track. Finally, she met one of my headmates who was triggered forward when a long-repressed trauma memory surfaced. It was then that we knew for sure that I was a part of a DID system.

Kit- Each one of us was formed for a reason. Some of us split off to hold a specific trauma and hide it from the others. Some of us, like Wyn, existed to hide the fact that we were a system. In order for her to do this, she couldn’t be aware of us. She spent most of her existence controlling the body in ignorance to our condition. Some of us, like me, were formed to deal with the times in between the traumas. For a long time, I was the “fun one”. I kept us positive during some really trying years. I really loved filling this role. I felt free of responsibility because I got to come out, break rules, laugh, and then leave. I didn’t really understand consequences. It wasn’t until Wyn finally learned about us in 2016 that I started to see there were repercussions for my carefree ways. I’m proud to say I’ve grown a lot more responsible in these last two years, but I hurt people I cared about in the process. Thankfully, my loved ones have been patient with me and forgiving of my screw ups. I’m happy I have such understanding friends.

Life is so different now that we have a diagnosis. Before, all of us functioned on our own. We were aware of one another to some extent, but we weren’t really a team. We all did our own thing and tried not to get in each other’s way. Now we are like a well-oiled machine. We’re constantly checking in with one another, asking for help, volunteering to step in, and making sure everyone feels happy. It’s hard work and it can be frustrating sometimes, but our quality of life is infinitely better for it.

Our System (Check Out Their YouTube To Learn About Their System) Wyn: 28. Identifies with the body’s appearance and age.

She spent most of her life not knowing she was a part of a system and held the role of host, meaning she was the one in charge of outside living. Passionate about geology.

Loves teaching and helping others.

Jonathan: 40. Existed since infancy of the body. He committed himself to be a caregiver to Wyn and dedicated his life to teaching her what it felt like to be loved. Likely because he existed before the idea of a physical self was understood, he doesn’t have a set appearance. He can take any form that he feels would comfort Wyn the most.

Most recently he has taken the appearance of a Samoan man.

Kit: 28. She identifies with the body’s age but not appearance. She has bleached blonde hair with a purple dip dye. She is a fairy, though human-sized, with tattered wings and pointed ears that droop a bit at the tips. Her ears are heavily pierced, and she has a septum ring.

Jacob: 40. He is the husband to Jonathan and brother to Karen. He is a purely logic based being that doesn’t seem to be capable of emotion. He works to assure that the system remains as high functioning as possible. He also

has the ability to force different headmates into or out of control of the body, something none of the rest of the headmates can do. He is tall and slim with black hair and dark eyes. He is always wearing a suit.

Karen: 8. She is the sister to Jacob. Karen was formed at the same moment Jacob was, so we call them twins even though Jacob aged and Karen didn’t. While Jacob is logic based, Karen is very emotional. For most of her life she existed in a constant state of fear. However, since Josh chose to integrate with her, his trait of bravery has helped balance her out and she can now enjoy life more fully. She has black hair with blonde tips cut in choppy layers. She wears overalls, a red t-shirt, and Chuck Taylors.

Michelle: 7. She is smart and determined to be a helper.

She loves helping out with chores and contributing to outside life. She has shoulder length brown hair held back with a ribbon and always wears pink dresses. She likes the outdoors and hiking is her favorite past time. She was the first headmate who decided to start aging each year. Her birthday is May 27.

Kim Kim: 12. One half of her hair is black and the other is white. She wears lacy black dresses and gothic makeup.

She, like Wyn, spent most of her life in charge of outside living without much knowledge of the rest of the system. In 2002, a specific event caused her to go dormant. She reemerged in early 2018 with no awareness of how much time had passed. She was very cautious and untrusting at first, but thanks to the support of the system and our loved ones she has opened up and is enjoying life.

Todd: 9. He is a selective mute. Because of his specific trauma background, Todd is afraid to speak or make noise.

Instead, he writes messages to people he wishes to communicate with. He has shaggy brown hair and a sweet smile. He is currently learning sign language to help him communicate more comfortably.

Daniel: 19. He is very relaxed and compassionate. He has short brown hair and brown eyes. He enjoys gaming and listening to his favorite music.

Lito: 29. Passionate and positive, Lito has a contagious happiness that cheers up everyone he meets. He likes pointing out all the good things in the world. Lito is also what we call a “fictive”. This means that he is based on a fictional character in the outside world. In his case, he was created as Lito Rodriguez from the Netflix show Sense8.

He is definitely not a carbon copy of his fictional counterpart, though. He has grown into his own, unique identity.

Jessica Mann: 46. When she came into the system, she didn’t realize she was an alter. She instead viewed herself as the system’s therapist and thought she existed completely separately from the rest of us. She has blonde, curly hair, blue eyes, and a Texan accent. She has recently discovered that she is, in fact, an alter and so she has gone dormant for a while to sort out her own feelings on the matter.

Edward: Ed is a fictive based off of Edward Nygma from the Batman universe. Specifically, he is based off of the

teration seen in the Fox tv show Gotham. He is witty, charming, polite, and husband to Oswald.

Oswald: Os is a fictive based off of Oswald Cobblepot from Gotham, the same show as Ed. The system doesn’t know a lot about him yet. Both he and Ed have only existed in the system for a handful of months and Os hasn’t been very active during that time. He seems to work in tandem with his husband Ed. Os is the quiet planner while Ed boldly carries out these plans.

Triggers & Dissociation Wyn- We all have our own strengths and weaknesses and we use that knowledge to help each other. We could have a negative trigger like encountering a harmful person from our past. This will often trigger forward one of the braver headmates like Kit, Ed, or Jessica. Perhaps we have to go to work despite bad mental health. Daniel is less susceptible to trauma-based anxiety and Kim Kim seems largely immune to depression. They might work a shift at our job to make sure we remain reliable as an employee.

There are also positive triggers. Todd gets triggered out during Thanksgiving and Christmas, his favorite times of year. Kim Kim is a big Pokémon fan and might be triggered out if one of us starts playing a Pokémon video game.

Of course, we can also control switching in our system.

Sometimes one of us wants to front simply because it’s been a while since we had time in the body and we’d like to do our outside world hobbies.

(Does dissociating genuinely help you?) Wyn- That’s sort of a tricky question to answer. I don’t see switching as dissociating, although I suppose it technically is. When I think of dissociating I think of those times where I’m in the body but my mind goes fuzzy and nothing feels real and I can’t reach the others inside. Those moments don’t feel helpful at all. Switching, though, is immensely helpful for a number of reasons. Not only does it help us handle difficult situations with a fair amount of grace, but it forces us to get to know ourselves better. We are more aware of our habits, skills, and weaknesses than most people with one personality are. We have to be in order to know how we fit together with the rest of the system.

Our Feelings On Having One Body Kit- It’s become less awkward over time. The more time each of us spends in the body the more we get used to it. It will never be quite perfect, though. The child parts will never fit up on anyone’s lap like they used to. I’ll never have wings. Kim Kim will never have her gorgeous hair.

That’s alright, though. I think I can speak for the whole system when I say that we’d rather have each other than the “right” body.

Advice To You Wyn- Your life isn’t over. This isn’t a terrifying, debilitating thing that is going to leave you unlovable. Everyone has their own baggage. Yours is just in a bunch of medium sized packages instead of one big package. If you can learn to work with and love your system, you will have as much of a chance at happiness as any other human being.

You are NOT a burden. You survived something terrible and came out the other side. A functional system is something to be proud of and celebrated, not ashamed of.

Kit- Get to know your system! It’s scary but it’s the only way

you’re going to function. You’ve got to put in the work. Write each other notes. Share a journal. See if you can picture what they look like and replicate that somehow (drawing, the Sims, etc). Even if you can’t talk to your headmates directly through thought, there are ways to get messages across. The longer you put it off, the longer you’re forcing yourself to remain in the dark.

Advice To Family & Friends Wyn- Please remember that this is still your loved one.

EVERYONE in the system is your loved one. You may not like every alter, but they are all an essential part of the system and you can’t have one without the rest. Respect is essential. Respect your loved one’s boundaries. Respect simple requests like trying to use the right name. Respect that your loved one probably doesn’t ave answers to all the questions. Respect that it’s going to be weird sometimes.

Also, it is important to respect yourself. You may feel overwhelmed and confused, that’s normal. There are ways you can get to know the system at a distance. My husband got to know us through videos and letters before he started spending time with us one on one. It helped him process our differences in private so he didn’t feel like he had to know everything on the spot. Get creative. Any effort you show to wanting to get to know your loved one is going to mean the world to them anyway.

Kit- Please remember that we’re all real and we are more than a job. Maybe in crisis mode we rallied around the current host to protect them but that doesn’t mean that we are only protectors. I was an emotional protector, meaning I kept Wyn positive in scary times. Now that we’re safe I’m an artist and a singer. Each alter in a system has dreams and feelings and aspirations and vulnerabilities. We are real, complete people. Please don’t dismiss us a simple or less real because you don’t see us as often as someone else.

Self-Reflection Wyn- I’ve learned that I’m not chronically irresponsible and forgetful. In fact, I’ve learned that I’m actually strong and capable. I’ve learned what love outside of codependency looks like. I’ve learned how to practice self care and how to take care of myself. Mostly, I’ve learned to love me.

Kit- I’ve learned a lot about myself and about the world. I’ve learned how to be vulnerable and let people close for the first time. That was scary as hell but worth it in the end. I’ve learned that who I am during times of danger and who I am during times of safety are wildly different. Before I was the crazy party chick. Now I’m way more level. I still like to have fun, but fun for me is a night in watching cartoons instead of a night out drinking. I had all these beliefs about myself that have slowly been dismantled as I found my place in the world and grew up emotionally. It’s jarring sometimes, but it’s good to finally see myself as I truly am.

The Labyrinth System

About Scarlet (Host) Scarlet is a mental health advocate who works with The National Alliance on Mental Illness. She is a passionate public speaker who does presentation in schools and in the community to educate the public on mental illness and trauma.

When not doing advocacy work Scarlet enjoys watching netflix, taking walks and spending time with her partner, Max. Our First Realization of An Alter & Our Journey The first alter I remember being aware of is our 5 year old child alter named Snake. He would comfort me and talk to me when I was sad as a child. Our mom thought that he was an imaginary friend. He was always a big comfort and knew how to distract me and make me feel better. -Amelia I was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder at age 15.

At first I was relieved but DID comes from trauma and as I got to know my alters I started having memories of sexual trauma I went through when i was a child. I began to deny that I had DID or that anything had happened. The pressure of all this finally overwhelmed me and i made a decision i regret to this day. I attempted to take my own life. I wish that I had talked to someone about how i was feeling and made a different decision. Regardless of this attempt my diagnosis was something that needed to happen an ultimately got me going on the path of healing. After my suicide attempt I was placed in a residential treatment facility. I think it was one of the best things that ever happened to me.

Through therapy I was able to come out of my denial and accept my diagnosis. I took a chance and got to know my alters, who I now consider family. My alters are my internal support system and help me keep going even on my worst days. Accepting my diagnosis made a huge difference for me and helped me continue to stay strong. - Amelia Our System (Check Out Their YouTube to Learn About Everyone Else) Tina is a 4 year old girl with a southern accent who loves kittens and horses. She has red hair and blue eyes. She is a trauma holder as well as a comforter for other trauma holders.

Snake is a 5 year old boy who loves playing in the woods, dragons and dinosaurs. He has blonde hair and green eyes. He holds some trauma but more so works to comfort and cheer up others who are hurting.

Aliya is a 6 year old girl who is very shy but likes to sing and likes mermaids. She has dirty blonde hair and brown eyes. She holds a great deal of trauma and is very scared of people she doesn’t know. She is also very scared of our mother dying because she was very sick when we were growing up.

K is a 6 year old girl who is very happy and outgoing. She has black hair with red streaks and blue eyes. She is also a fairy and has wings. She holds most of our happy childhood memories and no trauma. She likes being the center of attention, has a huge sweet tooth and is always up for adventure.

Triggers & Dissociation When we switch it is almost always something that we agree upon before it happens or something that happens because of a trigger. We categorize triggers into two categories, positive and negative. Positive triggers include things like foods, people, songs and more.

For example when our child alter K sees something sweet she wants she may push her way out in order to get that sweet or if May sees someone she is very close with she may come out to spend time with them. Negative triggers are usually things that make us feel unsafe or remind us of trauma. So if there is yelling Jax or Ahina may push out to make sure we are safe and get us away from the yelling.

We feel that dissociating not only helped us, but saved our life.

We see DID as an extraordinary survival mechanism to protect children from severe and complex trauma and that is exactly what it did for us. Dissociation gave us the ability to still function and succeed in our early school years while going through complex trauma. Because some very strong parts of us held the trauma we went through other parts could focus on the things a child should like playing, making friends and school. Today we are working as a system to help our trauma holding alters process and work through what they hold and we are allowing them to slowly share that trauma with us so we can process it as well. We are finally in a safe place where we can start to work through and heal from our trauma and dissociation is what helped us get here.

How We Feel About Having One Body It is honestly very frustrating at times that we all share a body.

It is something we have learned to accept and even embrace through therapy, however it does still get to us, some more than others.

For me, as an extroverted and social person, one of the hardest things was feeling like I could not be myself. I had to, and often still have to, respond to and go by Amelia because that is the body’s legal name. For a long time I really struggled with the fact that my name was not on the awards we got or our high school diploma. Now, although I still struggle with it at times, I have come to accept that the body’s name represents us all. Our system puts in effort as a team and the things that come out of that are accepted as a team, even if it only has one name on it. Scarlet I really struggle with the fact that the body is female. I am a guy so it’s hard to be in a body that doesn’t match that. I get very dysphoric when I am out so I don’t usually come out much or come out for very long.- Rider Advice To You My advice is to people who recently found out they have DID. You most likely are really scared right now and your brain is probably pushing you to deny that anything is wrong. I know it seems like it would be so much easier to push it all down and pretend there is nothing to deal with but sooner or later you will have to end up dealing with it. Denial is a huge part of DID, our brains created whole new people so we didn’t know we went through trauma so it's easy to fall into that denial. When you truly start healing however is when you come out of that denial. Getting to know your system and listening to what they have to say will help you tremendously in understanding yourself and learning to live with DID. Advice To Family & Friends Many people think that the appropriate way to treat someone with DID is to ignore their alters or try and ‘snap the person out of it’, when in fact this is not only not helpful but it can be incredibly damaging. Alters are not hallucinations or characters someone puts on, they are dissociated parts of a traumatized survivor.

Alters are just as real as anyone else and deserve to be treated with respect and compassion. A huge part of healing with DID is accepting the alters and getting to know them better so having loved

on es accept and get to know them is hugely helpful. Alters also often feel like they need to hide themselves both because a lot of survival has to do with being covert. However being open without fear of judgment or hate can be such a healing thing for survivors of complex trauma and should be encouraged, not shut down.

Self-Reflection We have learned a lot about ourselves, especially in the past few years. One of the biggest things that we have learned is that the survival tactics that we developed in order to stay safe when we were younger are outdated and now can be damaging to us, our relationships and our loved ones. Telling lies about things we did or didn't do because we are scared of others reactions isn’t necessary when the person person we are talking to isn't abusive. We don’t have to cut people off and frantically try to say what we want to when we have people who actually want to hear what we say. Constantly talking about our successes isn’t needed when the people in our life love us regardless of them. This is a few examples of behaviors we need to unlearn because, although they kept us safe when we were younger now they hurt us and hurt the people we care about. Admitting that we have these behaviors is scary, especially on such a large platform, but it is also necessary. Healing from trauma includes unlearning abusive behaviors that don’t fit in a healthy home.

You can still have a prosperous life even after being diagnosed.