BILL COPE/OPINION
ASK BILL ABOUT IT
Was it the dewsh what did Romney in? To the great big gob of greasy, grimy gofer guts named Bill Cope, If you were walking on a road anywhere in Homedale here, which I moved back to because Belinda wanted to be closer to her Grammy’s weener dogs, and I heard you were there, I would go there and run my Hemi over your sissy, herpes-ate-up, fatbag body back and forwards until there was nothing left but a wet spot, just like that pretty girl tried to do to that ugly flying lizard man in that one Jeepy Creepers movie. That’s how evel I think you are and what you deserve. It is exactly because of like Ted Newgunt said how pimps and whoers like you that made Mitt Ronney lose that president job. How could he ever win with lamestreem media crapballs like you and all those Ed Shulcks-types on MCNNB calling him a liar and a flit-flopper and all the things he was called. You and your boyfriend Badger Bob even called him a dewsh, which was the meanest thing I didn’t even think maggots like you would sink to, but you did anyway. I admit I never much thought it would be too great to have to look at Rommey’s face for four years, but that would have been better than watching “Whos Sane” Obama ruin our country with his not American upbringing, which he will do now because of bellybutton cheese like you and that bloated-up mouthhead Cris Mathhews letting him do it. At least most of Idaho people did not vote for the Obama. Especially in Homedale here. I dodn’t think there was even one Obama vote in Homedale except for maybe that flower shop guy, but even Belinda did not vote for Obama even though when that Sandy came where he walked around the ruined places with that one fat guy from New Jersey, she said, “See Dick? He’s not so bad.” I felt like she had rammed me in the ball bag with a weed whacker when she said that and I said “What do you mean, he’s not so bad!” and we yelled back and forth for most of the night until the deputies came and I said things what I wish maybe I hadn’t of because it had more to do with her taking off to Okalhoma with that other calf roper than it had to do with “Whos Sane” Obama and what a worst president in history he is. So she moved in with her Grammy for a few days until I took her out for a night of eating at Golden Corral and asked her to come back and she did, only now all her clothes are covered with weener dog hair, but she did not vote for Obama anyway. That is what she told me anyway. But anyway, it should tell you something about how you are not wanted here in Idaho since nobody ever votes like you think they should. Why don’t you go to one of those other states where you could marry your boyfriend Badger Bob, huh? That is where you deserve to be and you wouldn’t not anymore be ruining up our good old Idaho elections.—Signed, Dick from Homedale again. P.s. If any of your other libtards at that Boise “Weakly” want a teeshirt what says “Whos Sane Obama” I am selling them on the Internet at dicktees.com for 20 bucks plus what stamps and a box cost. Dear Dick, I had a feeling I’d be hearing from you, and here you are. I must say, it upsets me that you think I was mean to Mr. Romney by calling him a dews … er, douche. Actually, I believe I acted with great restraint throughout the campaign. There was so much I was tempted to say about your candidate and his family, but didn’t. For instance, by late summer I’d become convinced that the commonly held belief—that beneath the doofussy, disingenuous exterior, Mitt was an intelligent and competent person— was simply more altered reality honey dripping out of the Republican hive. He had shown me no evidence there was anything in his skull other than a meager talent for memorizing other peoples’ talking points. In fact, I began to suspect that the real brains in the family belonged to Ma Romney— who I privately took to calling “Lady MacBethanne.” I sensed she had such an itch to be FLOTUS, it made her nostrils quiver to think about it. But I didn’t ever say that in this column, did I? No, I didn’t. Nor did I ever refer to the boys as “The Five Feathers,” which I think is wonderfully witty, even if nobody else does. And I didn’t once call Paul Ryan “Gumby” because of that slant to his head. I wanted to in the worst way, but I didn’t. So then, Dick, how mean can I really be to have kept such gems to myself? What’s more, I doubt that my calling Mitt for the douche he is had anything to do with his loss. I know it’s the fashion these days within Republican circles to concoct theories on why they lost: “It was the hurricane, blah, blah, blah … It was all those urban voters, blah, blah, blah … It was because people aren’t informed enough, blah, blah, blah … It was because Barack Obama suppressed the Romney vote by telling voters about him, blah, blah, blah.” And now your contribution: “It was that damn Bill Cope calling Mitt a douche, blah, blah, blah.” The simple truth is, Dick, Romney is nowhere near the human being Obama is, and even most of those on your side could see it. That’s why he lost. By the way, I am pleased to gather from what you said about Belinda that there isn’t a restraining order putting a damper on the magic between you two lovebirds. At least, not yet. Also, I don’t mean to tell you how to run your business, Dick, but shouldn’t there be an apostrophe in “whos.” As in, “Who’s Sane Obama?” WWW. B OISEWEEKLY.C O M
BOISEweekly | NOVEMBER 21–27, 2012 | 5