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SURVIVING THE APOCALYPSE
IF YOU’RE NOT ALREADY A HUNTER OR CAMPER, TAKE NOTES RANDY KING | ILLUSTRATION BY ADAM ROSENLUND
SHOOT A MOVING TARGET If zombies didn’t move then we would have nothing to worry about. Unfortunately, they are going to chase down all survivors and try and eat their brains. The trick is going to be shooting them while they are on the run. Use the biggest caliber that you can—the caliber determines how much blood gets out and the amount of air that gets in. The combination makes for fatal shots. TIP 1: Sustain the lead on the zombie. Assuming the zombie is going 10 mph, shoot about 6 inches in front of the zombie for every 50 yards with a riffle. If you’re using a shotgun, don’t shoot the zombie until it is within 50 yards and figure 1 foot of lead. TIP 2: Keep on swinging. The concept is to keep the gun moving even after the trigger is pulled. Stopping the movement will cause the lead to lessen. TIP 3: Keep on shooting. Shoot like the lives of you and your family depend on it. Because if you’re shooting at a zombie, they probably do. Double tap.
BE A NOMAD You might be forced out of the house or the apocalypse might come while you’re stuck in traffic. Any way it happens, you might end up a nomad. A solitary person looks like fresh meat to zombies and a resource to others. TIP 1: Poop like a cat. A nice pile and some TP might as well be a signal flare for evil-doing bandits looking for nomads. Instead, when you poop, dig a small hole, defecate in it,
30 | JULY 18–24, 2012 | BOISEweekly
then stir it up with a stick mixing in dirt. Toss the paper on the top and cover with an ample amount of soil. Cover it with brush and leaves in a natural fashion.
to make them earn what they get, right? Spiders, hot oil, fall traps, sticky films and poison will await anyone who comes into my house uninvited.
TIP 2: Camp like a ghost. Avoid soft surfaces, like anything within a few hundred feet of water as a campsite. Mud or soft surfaces will show where you camped. Don’t make a fire ring—they’re too easy to spot. Use natural tree cover and deep shaded locations for a campsite. Make sure you can’t see the camp from any of the nearby trails or roads.
TIP 3: Dig in. Have a basement? Great. It is the most secure spot in the whole house. If not, then you should make one. Below-ground spaces are the most-easily defended. Another benefit of a basement is that the ground is typically cooler under the house, which is a great thing when it’s summertime and the livin’ ain’t easy.
TIP 3: Have good boots. Your feet are your primary form of transportation. Use them wisely and respect them. Getting a hold of a good pair of boots with ankle support is imperative. Good boots can make the 20 miles a day you have to hike to avoid the Thunderdome all the more bearable.
TIP 4: Get the hell out. A single-story family house is just about the worst thing that a person can try and defend. No matter how good the defenses are, one match can have everyone in the place scattering out like coughing lab monkeys. Figure out a better, more-defensible location. If you can move out of your house, do so.
FORTIFY YOUR HOUSE The end of the world is probably going to happen when you are in one of two places: at home or work. Work buildings vary too much for useful insights but most houses have a few things that can work to your advantage. TIP 1: Mark your house as condemned. This is a cool trick as long as you don’t see others doing it, too. Camo your house to look like no one is home. Board it up and wrap it in tape. Shit, throw a foreclosure sign on the front door. Just don’t burn the wood stove and stay away from the windows. TIP 2: Watch the movie Home Alone. Let’s say the invaders make it to your place. You want
BUILD A SIGNAL FIRE How is it that you are the last person left alive on Earth? Well, you probably aren’t. It is more likely that you are so isolated that it just feels that way. The next trick is alerting others that you are still alive. Signal fires are a great way to do that. TIP 1: Have the materials for a fire ready before you need them. Nothing says heartache like watching a low-flying plane and not being able to get its attention. TIP 2: Burn tires. Since not many people will be left on Earth, it’ll be OK to burn as many as you like.
Tires make black acrid smoke that can be seen for miles. TIP 3: If you are feeling crafty, use gas or diesel to burn SOS into the parking lots of your favorite grocery stores.
SURVIVE A BREAKDOWN OF THE GLOBAL FOOD CHAIN What kind of society are we left with when the stores run out of food? Do we turn into a commune and share? Probably not. Most likely, we start stealing from others and create clanbased survival systems. Those who own the most guns typically end up on the top of the food chain. What can you do? TIP 1: Learn to scavenge the natural world. All around us is food. The vacant lot across the way can hold more nutrients than you would imagine. Dandelions make spinach look like a Twinkie. To better prepare for this catastrophe, it is good to know how to get food from the fat of the land. TIP 2: Stockpile seeds. It might seem odd but seeds, sprouted, can be incredibly nutritious. While they might be low in calories, they have large amounts of the vitamins, amino acids, proteins and fiber that we need to stay healthy. TIP 3: Potable water is the most important
thing people need. Stockpile it or devise a way to get clean water from the world around you. A well is a good option, as long as you control it. Rain collection helps. Make sure your water is sanitary with iodine or a quality water filter. WWW. B O I S E WE E KLY. C O M