that’s life8 parents stances. By the time a kid is coming out, there’s been X period of time where he or she has become aware of it, has struggled with it, and is behind the eight-ball already. It’s already interfered. There’s already damage.” Even though more gay teens are finding the courage to come out in high school than ever before, polls show that the majority still face harassment and bullying by other students. As evidenced by several recent high-profile teen suicide cases, experts say that lesbian, gay and bisexual youth are up to four times more likely to try and take their own lives than their heterosexual peers. John Davis, a licensed mental health counselor in Delray Beach, says the pressures on gay teens can manifest in less drastic ways as well—and parents need to pay attention to the signs. “If a child is denied his natural
“This is an incredibly loaded issue for parents on all kinds of levels, (and) in many ways a parent’s worst nightmare. We all
have dreams and fantasies for our children and this kind of issue can bring those dreams to a crashing halt.”
place in the world, that child may start acting out in a harsh way: drug use, early egregious promiscuity, driving too fast, hanging out with the wrong crowd,” he says. Still, even parents who know that a serious conversation is in order may find it difficult to bring up the topic of their child’s sexuality. One Delray Beach mother, who asked that her name not be used, says she suspected the truth when her daughter was in college but spent several years working up the nerve to ask. “Finally, I kind of forced the issue and asked directly, ‘Are you a lesbian?’” she says. “And it didn’t go well. I wish I would have waited a little longer for a good opportunity where she would have felt safe coming out to us as parents. But the first person that kids want ap46
– Ira Kaufman, licensed clinical social worker and executive director, North Star Centre
proval from is very often the last one they tell, because they’re so afraid of losing their parents’ support.” Lisa Zucker, a licensed clinical social worker in Hollywood, says it’s usually best not to ask your child outright if he or she is gay. Instead, she recommends trying a softer approach that lays the groundwork for open discussion. “You could say, ‘There are ways that everybody is different from others, and we will always love you,’” she suggests. “If your child comes out to you, the most important thing—no matter how you feel about it—is to react in a way that shows you love them. You always want to communicate love and acceptance to your
T h e B o c a R at o n Ob s e r v e r
child. And if you as a parent have a lot of negative feelings about them being gay, it’s important to get counseling or join a group like PFLAG.” PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) is the bestknown support group of its kind, with branches throughout South Florida (pflag.org). Other area resources include Compass in Palm Beach County (compassglcc.com) and SunServe in Broward (sunserve.org), both of which offer support for gay teens and their families. “Support is the key word,” Davis says. “If a child is going to be gay, parents need to understand that there’s
nothing you can do about it. You can’t fix it, you can’t beat it out of them, you can’t take them to church and have it be undone. A lot of parents freak out and get reactive, and they fall prey to, ‘If I’m a heterosexual, then you must be.’ The child feels like they’re doing something bad and wrong, and that’s traumatic and can stay with them for a lifetime.” Also, Zucker says parents today have less reason to worry that being gay means their child will be denied the pleasures of marriage, children or life in mainstream society. “All that’s changing,” she says. “They still have a future ahead of them that can be a really wonderful life.” O