Blitz April 2016 by Blitz Weekly

TEXAS RANGERS Defending Their AL West Title

Crawfish Season is in Full Swing

UFC 197 Preview

Dallas Cowboys Sitting Pretty with the No. 4 Pick 4/20... Got It? Good!

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INTELLIGENCE

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5 Meet former Texas Ranger Lenny Randle the “Forest Gump of MLB.” 6 Texas Rangers season preview: Seeking to defend their title. 7 The Dallas Cowboys have several options to choose from with their first-round pick. We think they might select a quarterback 8 Has the NFL seen the last of the white running back?

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10 UFC 197 preview: Jon “Bones” Jones is back!

10723 Composite Dr. Dallas, TX 75220 Publisher and Editor Staff Photographers Kelly G. Reed Dominic Ceraldi, Michael Kolch, Rick Leal, Sandy McAnally Features Director Staff Writers Amber LaFrance Paul A. Esquivel, Peter Gerstenzang, Copy Chief Frank LaCosta, Lance LeVan, Mark Miller Darius Williams Contributing Photographers/Artists Creative Director Todd Crusham, Julie Davidson, Jette Stephens Daniel Horande, Brian Kirk, David Lacasse, Darrell Miller, Travis Shin Photo Editor Darryl Briggs Contributing Writers Alex Al-Kazzaz, Andrew J. Hewett, Cover Design Kyler Kuehler, Alan Sculley, Jette Stephens Zach Walker, Kali Ah Yuen

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11 Time to meet Kaela Sinclair an up-andcoming Metroplex music sensation.

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14 It’s crawfish season and we have your handy go-to guide for Dallas right here. 18 Ready for 4/20? Here’s something to think about.

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Daniel Horande Model: Camila

Lenny Randleis

Lenny Randle

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Still Crazy After All These Years BY MARK MILLER – @MARKMYWORDSTEX

ong-time baseball fans may remember Lenny Randle doing things a bit unconventionally when he played the game. On the field and in the clubhouse, his demeanor and antics prompted former Texas Rangers manager Bobby Valentine to call him “A Fabric of Weirdness.” Somehow, Randle always seemed to find himself as a part of history, perhaps the major reason Jim Breuer said he was the “Forrest Gump of Baseball” in a documentary that aired last December on Major League Baseball Network. For proof, consider the following: As a rookie with the Washington Senators, he played in the franchise’s final game in the Nation’s Capital in 1971 before moving to Texas.

He played in the infamous Ten Cent Beer Night game on June 4, 1974 in old Cleveland Stadium. On March 28, 1977, he punched thenmanager Texas manager Frank Lucchessi after learning he had lost his starting second-base job to rookie Bump Wills. Later that year, he was at home plate when the lights went out at New York’s Shea Stadium.

that he has continued to follow his own drummer since retiring from Major League Baseball. His life since then even prompted Rolling Stone magazine to call him the Most Interesting Man in Baseball in an article last year. One reason why is the 67-year-old Randle has lived in Italy since 1983 since becoming the first U.S. player to compete there. He was persuaded to try the Italian Baseball League by legendary Ted Williams and some military members. “I love it here. You can go to Paris, Belgium, Spain or Norway within two hours,” said Randle, who speaks five languages and has a Master’s degree in adapted physical education. “I still have great contacts with people I played with and others and live in the most beautiful place in the world.”

He won the Italian Baseball League batting title his first year with Nettuno and loved the experience so much he and seven family members, including his wife, mother and sister, remain there today. Just like during his playing days, he’s still continuously in motion so much so he long ago earned the nickname “Cappuccino” in Italy. “Bill Cosby once told me ‘sports is a vehicle to do something else,’ ” he said.

While playing third base for the Seattle Mariners on May 27, 1981, he blew a slow roller hit by Kansas City’s Amos Otis foul but was charged with interference and Otis was credited with an infield hit.

He’s followed such advice through numerous vehicles to help others. He’s spent much of his time promoting the game in his adopted home country while also serving as a manager, general manager, and co-owner.

Off the field, he gave the standup comedy routine in Chicago a go, and dabbled in music while with the Seattle Mariners. So it should be no surprise

Randle travels the globe conducting baseball and educational clinics including opening an academy in Italy. He uses what he learned under

APRIL 2016

managers like Williams, Joe Torre, and Billy Martin, and players including Maury Willis, Lou Brock, and Joe Morgan how to teach baseball fundamentals while acting like a professional at all times. He’s also serving as global scouting director for the new Empire Professional Baseball League that launches later this year and will include bringing 15 players over from Italy to play in an international all-star game. On top of that, he conducts college expos with his family, mentors youth on life away from sports and owns a line of clothing. Plus, he follows the career of son Bradley, who played running back on the Minnesota Vikings practice squad in 2013, with the BC Lions of the Canadian Football League in 2014 and CFL’s Winnipeg Blue Bombers last year but is a free agent this coming year. He also keeps up with nephew Tyus Edney and cousin Marcus Johnson, both former UCLA and National Basketball Association stars. The Long Beach, California, native originally was drafted in 1967 by the St. Louis Cardinals but opted to attend Arizona State University instead. He was a two-sport star, playing football and baseball, including second base on the Sun Devils’ 1969 College World Series title team. Selected in the 1970 draft by the Senators, he played parts of five seasons with the Rangers, a stint that ended after punching Lucchessi, who was hospitalized for one week following plastic

surgery to repair his fractured cheekbone which was broken in three places. He also received bruises to his kidney and back. The Rangers suspended Randle for 30 days without pay and fined him $10,000. On April 26, before the suspension was complete, Texas traded him to the New York Mets for a player to be named later. Randle was charged with assault, and pleaded no contest to battery charges in a Florida court while paying a $1,050 fine. Lucchessi was fired on June 21 following a 9-5 loss to the Twins, blamed Randle for the firing, and sued him for $200,000. Randle played the rest of that year plus 1978 with the Mets. In 1977, he batted .304, stole 33 bases and scored 78 runs for the last-place Mets. His best season with the Rangers was in 1974 when he had a .302 average with 26 stolen bases and 65 runs scored splitting time at second base, third

base and in the outfield. He split time in all three positions in 1975 as well before being returned to second base in 1976. After the Mets let him go during spring training 1979, he spent time in the minor league systems of the San Francisco Giants and Pittsburgh Pirates before returning to the majors with the New York Yankees. He signed with the Seattle Mariners in 1980 but was quickly traded to the Chicago Cubs with whom he batted .276 and tied his career high five home runs as the Cubs’ regular third baseman. He re-signed with Seattle where he played the final two years of his career in 1981 and 1982 finishing with a .257 average with 27 home runs and 322 runs batted in. He still holds the record for the longest home run in the Italian Serie-A1 league, most home runs and singles hit in a three-game series and the most hits in a three-game series. He won a batting title in Italy with a .477 batting average. Later, he played with the St. Petersburg Pelicans in the Senior Professional Baseball Association after signing a minor league contract with the California Angels during spring training in 1995, but was unsuccessful in his comeback bid. While with the Cubs, Randle met John and Jim Belushi and performed some stand-up comedy routines at area clubs. In the early 1980s, he even recorded an electro-funk album Just a Chance with his band Lenny Randle and Ballplayers including lead vocals on one song called

“Kingdome” in honor of the Mariners’ original home and “I’m a Ballplayer.” He donated proceeds from the songs to help David Finnegan, a young Mariners’ fan who suffered from cerebral palsy, purchase a voice synthesizer. Randle remains involved in music with Battle of the Bands promotions and Baseball and Boogie tours. Besides hosting sessions of the Lenny Randle Sports Academy, he’s also pushing for Martin’s induction into the Baseball Hall of Fame. At a time when most people are winding down toward retirement, Lenny Randle is so busy, he sleeps just a few hours each day. “I don’t really need to sleep. I’ll sleep when I die,” he said. “I get maybe 4-5 hours. Here in Italy and in Europe they take power naps. You work four hours and take a four-hour nap. “I don’t stress out over here. There’s no stress. You work, then walk the beach or have an ice cream.” WWW.BLITZWEEKLY.COM

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TEXAS RANGERS 2016 PREVIEW BY ALEX AL-KAZZAZ – @BEARMANOFTX

he Texas Rangers are coming off of an amazing 2015 season. When they started out as one of the worst teams in the American League, it seemed like they might repeat their disastrous 2014. However, after the All-Star break, the Rangers began to win series after series to move up the AL West rankings. After chasing the Houston Astros for most of the season, they finally took the title on the last day earning a trip to the playoffs where they lost in five games to the Toronto Blue Jays. This is all in the past and a new season is here with its own challenges. Here are my thoughts on the team for 2016:

STARTING PITCHING I couldn’t be more impressed and excited about the Rangers’ pitching rotation. The return of Yu Darvish, who missed last year recovering from Tommy John surgery, will solidify the rotation by mid-May. The top five currently are slated to be: 1) Cole Hamels, 2) Martin Perez, 3) Colby Lewis, 4) Derek Holland and 5) A.J. Griffin. Hamels started 2015 with the Philadelphia Phillies and had a 6-7 record when he was traded to the Rangers, where he turned things around

and went 7-1. Lewis had a 17-9 record and led the team with 142 strikeouts, and with him returning, he brings good leadership. Perez had a rough 2015 season, but I think he will improve in 2016. The top priority for Holland is to stay healthy. Last season, he injured his shoulder in the Rangers’ home opener after pitching just one inning, and didn’t return until August. A.J. Griffin went 14-10 in 2013 but has spent the last two seasons recovering from Tommy John surgery. If healthy and back to his old self, he could be a major asset for the team. If the rotation can stay healthy, then there’s nothing to worry about. However, during the offseason, the Rangers lost pitching coach Mike Maddux. With Maddux doing a great job with the pitching over the last few seasons, his expertise and leadership will be greatly missed. Expect new coach Doug Brocail (former Ranger pitcher) to bring an aggressive approach with this staff.

BULLPEN It’s really good to have Shawn Tolleson, who had 35 saves last season closing out games. With a majority of last season’s bullpen returning, the Rangers can expect to have great relief pitching. Just like the starting rotation, the bullpen needs to stay healthy. Tanner Scheppers is on the 60-day disabled list with a knee injury. He’s not expected to return until after the All-Star break. I thought that perhaps former San Francisco Giants ace Tim Lincecum should be signed. The three-time World Series Champion is a free agent, and if the Rangers were to sign him, he’d bring tremendous leadership to the bullpen.

THE BATS

Darryl Briggs Derek Holland has a clean bill of health and is the lynchpin for this season’s rotation.

SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

As we saw last season, a healthy lineup will help pave the way to the playoffs. I am eager to see how Prince Fielder, Adrian Beltre, and young talented players like Delino DeShields, and Rougned Odor perform this season. Beltre may be aging, but after seeing his tremendous performance last season, I think he’s still got plenty left

Darryl Briggs Coming off a nice bounceback year, expect Prince Fielder to have plenty of RBI opportunities.

in the tank. We had to be patient with Fielder since he was still recovering from neck surgery in 2014, but he ended up performing beyond expectations. He’s currently positioned as the team’s designated hitter as Mitch Moreland looks to start at first base. Speaking of Moreland, he’s coming off his best season ever and with his current one-year contract, he’s got his best chance to prove he’s worth signing to a long-term deal. Shin-Soo Choo started out the last season horribly. At one point, his batting average was under .100, but he turned it around the second half of the season finishing with 22 home runs, and 82 runs batted in. As far as Elvis Andrus goes, well, I hope he’s over his crucial mistakes from Game 5 of the playoffs. Newly-acquired Ian Desmond currently is listed as the starter in left field due to Josh Hamilton’s injury. But Desmond was brought here to be a utility player, and the Rangers are quickly filling up every hole.

OFF THE BENCH With Jurickson Profar and Joey Gallo both being sent to the minors on March 21, it seems that the Rangers bench will be different than I had expected. It’s great that Desmond was signed as a utility player, so as long as he stays healthy, then he can play at whatever position he’s needed at. Hamilton is still dealing with injuries, but I’d say he’ll be a backup left fielder or we may see him as a pinch hitter. Justin Ruggiano and Ryan Rua are capable of playing right and left field when needed. Hanso Alberto is currently listed as backup shortstop and second base. I don’t expect Profar and Gallo to spend the entire season in the minors, but we’ll have to wait and see how things turn out.

MANAGER/FRONT OFFICE Rangers General Manager Jon Daniels extended skipper Jeff Banister through 2018. Banister turned the Rangers from one of the worst teams in the league into division winners, even being named the 2015 American League Manager of the Year. The best part about it is that he did it in one season. I am thrilled that Banister managed the team better than everyone expected. Never in a million years did I think he was the one who would fix the Rangers. But now I see him as the manager who can take the Rangers back to the World Series. Last month, Rangers third base coach Tony Beasley was diagnosed with cancer, though he has remained with the team. As insurance, the Rangers named current minor league manager Spike Owen as interim third base coach.

FINAL THOUGHTS I think that 2016 will be a much better season for the Rangers. I predict they will be battling with the Astros for first place. Critics have the Astros as the favorites to win the AL West in 2016 but I disagree. I believe the Rangers have got all the tools to win another AL West title. The roster looks great. There’s plenty of talent, and they have a team that could be worthy of returning to the World Series. Provided, of course, they stay relatively healthy.

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Quarterback Options Plentiful for Cowboys in NFL Draft BY ZACH WALKER – @ZACHWALKERDB7

So who’s the fourth overall pick for the Dallas Cowboys going to be? This season has shown that the Cowboys need to begin the process of the post-Tony Romo years. However, he’s not dead and he’s not going anywhere so spending that fourth overall pick on a quarterback is a misappropriation of a draft pick.

cleared of his broken wrist. Again, the question is, at No. 4, would the Cowboys draft Wentz? If they wouldn’t draft Lynch here, no way would I see them taking Wentz, nor do I think there will be a huge telethon going on over Wentz but maybe as the entire process shakes out, Wentz could entice some bidders.

that anybody could want, but just not quite ready. He’s undefeated in games that he’s played, if that gets you fired up. He’s raw, and could be there in the third round, and with those physical traits and not asking him to do anything but learn and grow as a passer, I’d say that’s a hot ticket item in the third.

The ray of sunshine is that this is a quarterbackladen draft. Signal callers are growing on trees, and the Cowboys could be plucking them off in any round including the first. Here’s a list of the available talent:

Maybe First Rounders, Likely Second Round

Day 3 Deals

Sure-fire First Rounders Jared Goff – Goff is going to be the first quarterback taken, and that means getting by the Browns at No. 2, and don’t think the Chargers won’t spice things up and take him because they also have to think of life beyond Phillip Rivers. If Goff is there at No. 4, should the Cowboys take him? Really, they could and no one would bat an eye or shed a tear, but I believe adding a piece with such a big price tag needs to be an instant impact player, and NOT learning for a year, maybe two. Paxton Lynch – Lynch is and isn’t in the same boat as Goff. Equal to him in potential, arm talent and I think at this point college prepped. Lynch is a giant human throwing a football. But as with any prospect, going through this skeleton-hunting process pre-draft, coming from a conference below the Power-5 is a hill to climb. Would the Cowboys draft Lynch at No. 4? If this is a possibility that means Goff is gone, and this process will have had to have been completely smooth for Lynch for him to be the Cowboys pick or they just fell in love with his size, potential, and Texas connection. Carson Wentz – If everything is as stupidly measured as black and white as wins and championships versus losses and loser-syndrome, then Wentz definitely is worth a swing. Two-time Football Championship Series champion and most valuable player, I equate him to this draft’s Blake Bortles. He’s big and tough having played the 2015 championship game just after being

Connor Cook – I don’t like Cook and I can’t pin down why. Body language, maybe? Maybe it’s just one of those times where it’s just irrational dislike of the way a guy’s face is configured. On the field, he has been more than solid, but I don’t know if he ever really had command of his team. Maybe he’s Eli Manning. I’d say he’s like Eli, except less enjoyable. Fourth overall? Absolutely not. If they trade back? Eh, no, I couldn’t do it. Second round? Personally, no, he’s just one of those prospects I can’t agree on, and he turned down the Senior Bowl, which could have helped sand down some edges. Christian Hackenberg – Here’s a guy who was a hot iron that got tossed in the water and completely cooled. His freshman season, under Texans head coach Bill O’Brien at Penn State University, Hackenberg laid a first-round foundation for himself. Two years under James Franklin, and Hackenberg has one shot in the first round, the Texans, with the guy who recruited him and coached him to his highest level. First round, Cowboys? I’ll repeat, Hackenberg has first round with one team. Second round? Yeah, I’d do it. He’s a pocket passer, can roll, but looks a bit odd for him because he is such a statue. He’ll probably increase his stock during the process, but he should still be sitting when the Cowboys pick in the second. Cardale Jones – I’m sorry, but this guy doesn’t have enough tape to justify a second-round pick, let alone a first. Jones got the shine from his heroics last season, then decided to stay, then the quarterback carousel began. Jones is the Logan Thomas of this draft, just everything physically

Jacoby Brissett – I think this guy is going to turn heads, starting in Mobile at the Senior Bowl. He’s going to get a ton of Russell Wilson comparisons because they attended the same school, but it isn’t unheralded hip fired comparisons. Brissett is an intelligent passer from the pocket who can roll to create time for his downfield options or just scramble for the first-down yardage. He flared onto my radar when he was attempting to upset the Jameis Winston-led Seminoles, and if his defense could have held, would have won. I want Brissett to have a good pre-draft process, but I don’t want him straying too far, because I’d be doing back flips if the Cowboys have a shot at him in the fourth round. I feel the need to reiterate that though he plays like Wilson, he is about five inches taller. Kevin Hogan – I’m supremely thrilled that there is almost zero hype about Kevin Hogan, because I actually believe that this IS the next Dallas Cowboys quarterback. Hogan probably got both barrels from the Dallas coaching staff, since he was on the Cowboys’ North squad for the Senior Bowl. He’s a pocket passer from a pro-style offense, and is accustomed to handing the ball off a lot in a game, meaning he checks his ego at the door. Hogan had some work to do, establishing himself as his own player, having followed Andrew Luck at Stanford University, but I believe he did a better job than he’ll likely get credit. As of right now, Hogan’s stock is really cheap, fourth or later, I’m buying and going long. Dak Prescott – I liked Prescott a year ago, when he was seriously disturbing the Southeast Conference, and putting his name in the Heisman category. I’ve cooled, that cooled, and he cooled,

and now, Prescott is going to need a lot of things to turn his way if he’s going to be drafted higher than Day Three. Especially since his DUI charge. First, he’s going to need to shake his comparison to Tim Tebow. That’s a tall order, but it’s not impossible. Because, though he didn’t have as dynamic a year as 2014, Prescott grew seemingly exponentially as a passer. Halving his number of interceptions thrown, but throwing two more touchdowns. And though it wasn’t the same as 14 rushing scores he did as a junior, 10 is still a serious threatening number. Prescott is only 6 feet 2 inches tall and weighs 230. Worth a pick? Yes. Over Hogan, or even Brissett? No… but if this is the last remaining QB when the Cowboys pick in the fourth, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I’d like the pick-up. Jacob Coker – Couple of things about Coker. First, he’s not very seasoned. Pretty much all the action he’s seen has been this past college season. Second, weirdest damn thing about 2015, Coker had more wins in AT&T Stadium than any Cowboy QB did. Third, he’s deceptively large, 6 feet 6 inches. I watched him during his final three games, against some big-time programs (Florida, Michigan State, and Clemson) and he balled out, laying waste to all of them. He completed some of his best work when being hit, actually. He’s a guy who likely will be a career backup, with a few games here and there. I don’t know if he’s really a guy to groom for the long term, but as a backup for the remaining Romo years, I’d feel pretty comfortable with Coker. Treyvon Boykin – The journey near the top, then the fall from grace, was incredible for Texas Christian University and mostly for Boykin, who’s on a four-month campaign tour to rebuild his image. He likely will have to do the Denard Robinson thing in the NFL, learn a new position to make it. He’s got mechanics that aren’t too rough, but needs to polish his game for teams to take him seriously. I actually don’t think Boykin will be drafted and that’s a win for the Cowboys if that were to happen. They’d be able to bring him in, and check and see if he can bring something to the team, from any position. WWW.BLITZWEEKLY.COM

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THE EX T IN C TI O N OF THE WHITE RUNNING BACK IN THE NFL It was a strange occurrence that day late last November as I sat down to take in a college football game. On the watching agenda this particular day was a game between the No. 6-ranked Fighting Irish of the University of Notre Dame versus No. 9-ranked University of Stanford Cardinal.

of watching this Heisman candidate, I would often wonder as the game reached the back end of the first quarter just where was this stud running back of Stanford’s that all the hoopla was about. Each time I glanced up at the screen while the team was on offense, the star tailback was on the bench in favor of some white kid wearing No. 5 on his jersey.

At this point of the season, I had heard enough about a certain Heisman Trophy candidate Stanford had in its backfield. I had watched enough of the guy who I figured would take that prestigious trophy home in the coming weeks in Alabama’s 240-pound tank of a runner Derrick Henry. Catching up on this young “brother” out on the west coast everyone was hyping up was the plan this Saturday evening.

“Get this guy out of the game and put McCaffrey in,” I screamed at the television as this No. 5 made an amazing 8-yard run. On his way back to the huddle I caught a glimpse of the name on back of his jersey. To my surprise it read “McCaffrey.”

RB • Stanford Cardinal

CHRISTIAN McCAFFREY

The volume is down on my 60-inch LG flat screen as I decided I would play a little Commodores Greatest Hits as I multi-tasked my evening with a little bit of writing as well. With the sole purpose

SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

I had committed an act for which my race of people have fought against for decades and that’s racially profiling. Although I didn’t profile him based off of his race directly, I did however profile the position he played as one that a white college kid could not possibly do on the Division I level to the extent of which this McCaffrey guy had been doing all season long. I went to bed that night thinking of the plight of the African American quarterback. The hurdles for which they had to overcome dating back more than 100 years ago (see Charles W. Follis of the Shelby Blues), to even be given a shot to play the position at a professional level, were plentiful due to preconceived opinions that were stereotypically raciallybased. So much has been both written and talked about regarding that topic. I gave thought to an even more intriguing question…what happened to the white running back in the National Football League? Now before you run off names such as Tom Rathman, Mike Alstott and Peyton Hillis, they don’t apply to the criteria for the running back/ tailback position. They were skilled fullbacks, bruisers who specialized

in getting tough yardage running up the middle of defenses. I’m referencing the white guy who served as the team’s lead runner. The guy who was able to take a pitch and turn the corner for large gains. As I turned my pillow to the cool side, I was able to come up with the Washington Redskins John Riggins as the last white lead runner for an NFL team way back in the early 1980s. Then the New England Patriots Craig James came to mind as he was the lead runner on the Super Bowl runnersup in the 1985 season. Nobody else came to mind as I got some shut eye for the night. Shame on me to think that a position that I played as a kid, one that required speed, balance, agility and toughness could not be manned by someone of Anglo descent at a high level. Rarely have I seen it during my four decades of watching both major college and professional football. NFL Films allowed me the opportunity to see the likes of a Red Grange, Frank Gifford, Jim Taylor and Larry Csonka. They were guys who were not of African descent running the ball quite efficiently. Seems as the decade of the 1970s came to a close, the frequency in which a white guy lined up in the backfield for a professional team became a thing of the past. Just as all the reasons black quarterbacks were not given ample chances to make NFL rosters without being “asked” to move to more athletic positions like receiver and cornerback, I wonder what reason was given to the white kid who on the high school level proved to be a productive runner, was given as to why he couldn’t play the position on the college level. The position that has “running” in its name can easily be one that eliminates those who aren’t fleet of foot. Look at any elite level 100-meter dash at a track meet and you are guaranteed not to see a runner who is of Anglo descent. Speed isn’t usually a trait that comes with those who are of a paler skin tone. For whatever the genetic reasoning Jimmy “The Greek” Snyder so drunkenly gave back almost 30 years ago as to why the African-based race is superior athletically, to say he was alone in his assessment is a far cry. Many from all races share his sentiment on that topic. Most just don’t have the platform for which to drunkenly spout it out like he did. It is however very prevalent in

BY DARIUS WILLIAMS @FINESSE3380

how we may think when we see something that our trained eyes and mind find an oddity.

WHY NOT A WHITE RUNNING BACK? I’m sure many have come through in the last 30 years who possibly had the physical gifts to do it. Back in 2002, out in California, a very talented running back with elite speed was runner-up at the state meet in both the 100 and 200 meters to a white kid. This eventual Heisman winner went on to a stellar career at USC and then a solid pro career. I wonder if the white kid, whose name is Matt Bruno, could possibly have been as good running the football as the guy he defeated at the state meet. I don’t know, he would have to have been pretty special to be the equal of one Reggie Bush. We will never know because maybe he wasn’t given the opportunity to play the position. With the evolution of the game where speed is essential at positions that in the past didn’t necessarily require speed, having a running back who exemplified the simple ability to outrun defenders became a must when evaluating a prospective runner. The NFL Combines have over the years been the stage for a guy who could run the 40-yard dash under 4.5 seconds to catch the eye of general managers and coaches of teams in attendance. Have an average college career at running back, but run a 4.35 at the combine could land a young man in the first round of the draft. Other skills are required as well, but the sheer ability to cover ground at a fast rate meant you were a draftable commodity. Rarely have those who lined up at the combine to run the 40-yard dash has been a white running back. A position that requires the same top end speed at the professional level that somehow has been very racially diverse is wide receiver. Many white receivers in the last 30 years have been very successful. The aforementioned Christian McCaffrey’s father, Ed McCaffrey, was a Pro Bowl receiver for the Denver Broncos in the late 1990s into the 2000s. Others come to mind as well like Dwight Clark, Chris Collingsworth, Ricky Proehl and Jordy Nelson. How is it that the white player has been able to have a presence at a position that is considered to require above average speed and quickness? Things that the pro scouts look for in running backs.

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APRIL 2016

ENDANGERED SPECIES?

and figured he didn’t have what it took to play the position at the professional level? Maybe they have been talked into becoming linebackers and safeties to continue their careers. Advice all too familiar to black quarterbacks over the decades. Affirmative Action was implemented back in the 1990s as means to bring a halt to racial inequalities as it related to the workforce. Companies were required to meet a quota to employ minorities in certain positions within the company. Whether you see it as a fair way of conducting business, it provided opportunities to those who might not have otherwise been given the chance to show their wares. Should the same practice be done for athletics? Should teams be required to have in place players of all races? Just to make sure that equality is practiced. History has shown us that race can determine your path on a football team. The numbers would surprise most of all the quarterbacks who became All

JIM TAYLOR

FRANK GIFFORD

Pro wide receivers and cornerbacks. Black quarterbacks that is. The McCaffrey kid had a solid game that day. Nothing to blow me away, but an obvious display

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of ability to play the position at a high level. He showed the ability to run inside the tackles. He showed great hands out of the backfield as a receiver. He looked the part at 6 feet 1 inch and approximately 210 pounds. More important, he had the one trait that all long for in that position and that is speed. Yet somehow I ask myself if he will really get the chance in a couple years to be highly regarded and seen as a franchise lead running back? Would a professional franchise take him in the first round? After all, he really doesn’t fit what we have come to expect a top tier running back to look like. His skin is way too light to really be one who compares to an Adrian

JOHN RIGGINS BLACK AND WHITE BACKFIELD As a young kid growing up in Dallas in the early 1980s when football was entering my consciousness, Southern Methodist University football played a prominent role in shaping my sports observation world. The ‘Pony Express’ attack that the offense in particular was so affectionately labeled was a thing of beauty. Future NFL Hall of Famer Eric Dickerson was the catalyst for this explosive running attack. He was seen as the “can’t miss” prospect as he sported 219 pounds on his 6-foot-3-inch frame with speed that had previously won him state titles in the 100- and 200-meter dashes in high school. It was a visual pleasure to see him gliding through Southwest Conference defenses. More impressive to me was the other guy who made

LARRY CSONKA up the other half of the tandem. He was the white kid who looked to my 10-year-old eyes as just as fast as the Dickerson guy. This stablemate was Craig James. I found myself more excited watching him take a pitch from quarterback Lance McIlhenny and outrun his pursuers to the edge for long touchdown runs.

Peterson, Marshawn Lynch or Jamaal Charles for sure. Right? I will watch closely as his college career comes to a close. I will anxiously see if the scouts use reverse racism in their assessment of his ability to play in the NFL. It will be interesting to see if the same “hidden racial” scouting reports hinder him. Will his accomplishments on the college level be enough to warrant a shot at becoming the lead runner for some franchise?

What happened to the Craig James’ of the world? They didn’t stop producing them after SMUs magical 1982 season. Maybe how those in decision-making positions on the college and pro level changed their approach in which they fairly assessed the position of running back.

I personally will pull for his success to open the minds of all of us who like to “pigeon hole” based on race. It is my belief that if given a fair opportunity to display your ability is a practice that happens in all walks of life, the world would operate better. The white running back

Did they take the same approach to that position as they may have over the years when they viewed the tape of some quarterback from a historically black college or university program

didn’t disappear due to lack of ability. The white running back disappeared due to the lack of opportunity. Something that we all can relate to in some form or fashion. WWW.BLITZWEEKLY.COM

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UFC 197

Preview BY LANCE LEVAN – @LANCELEVAN1 Ultimate Fighting Championship 197 is being held in Las Vegas on Saturday, April 23. A lot of UFC fans have been waiting for this card for a long time and for good reason. This will be the first fight for Jon Jones in the Octagon since he was stripped of his title and suspended from the UFC in January 2015. Any of the top three fights could easily win “Fight of the Night” honors. I can’t wait to watch this entire fight card.

BY KYLER KUEHLER – @KPKUEHLER Former Ultimate Fighting Championship women’s bantamweight champion and world’s most dominate athlete Ronda Rousey has stayed well away from the public eye for the past few months after a devastating loss to former champion Holly Holm at UFC 193 in what has been labeled the biggest upset in the sport of mixed-martial arts. With Rousey no longer the champion and having lost most of her confidence to compete, she may never compete in the sport again. That looks to all have changed, however, after her former foe and arch-rival Miesha Tate defeated the very woman who knocked Rousey out with a vicious clean head kick by a fifth round submission finish (by rear-naked choke). Rousey and Tate have fought two times previously and in both fights Rousey has walked away as the victor. Rousey’s incredible judo techniques led her to finish Tate in the first round of the first fight and third round of their second fight by armbar. This could be just what Rousey needs to gain her momentum and regain her stardom and become the face of the UFC once again as she and Tate do not get along. Rousey would love nothing more than to spoil Tate’s 15 minutes of fame by defeating her in a third fight and take away what Tate has worked so hard for since entering the UFC and MMA. This could even open up the possibility of Rousey returning at UFC 200 in July after all rather than a return in October for what the UFC had planned giving the promotion the chance to still break the current buy rate record held by UFC 100. But before anyone makes any celebration plans on Rousey regaining UFC gold, fans cannot forget just how far Tate has come since their last meeting at UFC 168 in December 2013 and how she has shown some major improvements. SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

Tate has won her last five fights and proved to be a much tougher challenge for Holm than Rousey was where Tate managed to use her wellrounded wrestling techniques and get Holm to the ground and even finish her. No previous fighter Holm faced had ever been able to do that before. That just makes Tate seem to be more of a challenge for Rousey. She could even use what she learned in her fight against Holm and previous Rousey matches to make this fight more of a war and finally defeat the very woman she has been longing to beat and possibly send Rousey into the world of retirement. Fans also can’t forget that Tate is one of two women (Holm is the other) who actually got Rousey out of the first round and really made her push to retain the belt. So this fight looks to be more intense than their last meeting with the possibility of winning “Fight of the Night” again. Then fans around the world will be tuning in to watch this epic third showdown go down for what would most likely be the final time. All I have to say is, make the fight happen and let the war begin!

Sal Ami

(C) Daniel “DC” Cormier (17-1-0) vs. (No. 1) Jon “Bones” Jones (21-1-0) This is going to be a five-round men’s light heavyweight (205 pounds) title fight. This highlyanticipated bout is one that a lot of fans have been waiting to see. These two fighters have extremely bad blood between them. Every time they appear together in interviews or at media press conferences, you can tell they severely dislike each other. Cormier won the vacant title in May 2015. Since then, he has only defended the title once, against Alexander Gustafsson. Jones hasn’t been in the Octagon since January 2015, when he defeated Cormier. Both are highlevel wrestlers and excellent strikers. In their last match, Jones dominated most of the fight, even taking Cormier down three times. I think if they were the same size (overall), Cormier would totally dominate this fight. But Jones is five inches taller and has a full foot reach advantage. I think if Jones keeps it outside and makes this a striking match, he will have a huge advantage. If Cormier closes the distance and gets on top of Jones, he will use vicious ground-and-pound to keep him there. It will be interesting to see if Jones is coming back with any “ring-rust” from being away for so long. My prediction: Cormier wins via TKO in the third round.

In my opinion, Johnson’s speed and experience will completely negate Cejudo’s wrestling. These guys like to go to judge’s decisions, but I don’t think Cejudo will be able to last five rounds with Mighty Mouse. My prediction: Johnson wins via submission the third round. (No. 3) Anthony “Showtime” Pettis (18-4-0) vs. (No. 8) Edson “Junior” Barboza (16-4-0) This is a three-round lightweight (155 pounds) fight. These two fighters are going to be very electric. Both love to stand and trade punches/ kicks. Neither one will want to leave the decision in the judge’s hands. They will be looking to end this match in the blink of an eye. This one has “Fight of the Night” written all over it. Both of them are excellent grapplers, but I don’t see this fight going to the ground unless someone gets knocked down with a barrage of punches. This is going to be one of the main fights that I want to watch. The way these guys throw punches, it could be over in a flash. My prediction: Pettis wins via submission in the second round.

(C) Demetrious “Mighty Mouse” Johnson (222-1) vs. (No. 2) Henry “The Messenger” Cejudo (10-0-0) This is going to be a five-round men’s flyweight (125 pounds) fight. Both of these warriors are grapplers. Cejudo is an extremely high-level wrestler. Johnson is a black belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Cejudo is an “up-and-comer” in the flyweight division, but he only has four fights in the UFC and none were against anyone notable.

Disagree with me about the UFC 197 matches? Let me know via Twitter @BlitzWeekly and we’ll see who has better picks the night of the fights.

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APRIL 2016

Denton’s Own Kaela Sinclair Makes Waves

BY KALI AH YUEN @KAALIFLOWER

Bringing a new flow to an old style, Indie pop songstress and local-Dallas musician Kaela Sinclair is making big waves in the music scene. The Florida-born University of North Texas alum with red and purple hair is hard to miss, especially with her unique voice and striking talents. As her sophomore album’s release date approaches, her distinct honeyed voice continues to catch the attention of music enthusiasts from the DFW area to cities worldwide. Recently signing with Def Disco Records, this blossoming artist from Denton is entering the music world with a bang that is too loud to ignore. What are the most prominent elements that inspire your music? I’m deeply inspired by history, travel, philosophy, and my own experiences. I often draw from the works of classical composers from the Romantic and Impressionist eras such as Chopin or Debussy, but I also spend a lot of time sifting through new music. There’s plenty to be inspired by – old and new. What is the meaning behind your first single “Golden” from your second album? Golden is a sort of love song. It’s about seeing the greatness in someone else, or maybe even yourself, despite the world overlooking it. We live in a fast-paced, multi-tasking society that doesn’t often reward things that take a while to get to know. Not everything, or everyone, will get their time in the sun if we aren’t willing to slow down and see what’s underneath. Your cover of SOHN’s track “Artifice” went viral on Buzzfeed, what was your reaction to that? Has it impacted your career at all? It was really fun to watch the views shoot up overnight. The Buzzfeed exposure definitely sent new eyes to my pages. My favorite part was when SOHN himself called it “fantastic” on Twitter! You’ve been mentioned to have similar qualities that made St. Vincent so popular by Texas Music Magazine, how do you feel about that comparison? St. Vincent is a brilliant musician and I’m honored to be compared to her. She’s unique and bold and I admire those qualities in a musician. If you could collaborate with any other artist, who would it be and why? Ah, where do I even start? I’d love to collaborate with James Blake or Chris Thile. I have a long list of people I’d love to make music with.

Rhombi Survivor What plans do you have for the future of your music and overall career? I’ll be putting out my second full-length album later this year, but you can expect to hear new singles even sooner! My plan is to never stop making music and performing. Work till you drop...if you love what you do! There are a lot of great things in the works right now so this year’s going to be a big one. Tell us about how you got connected to M83! How has the tour been so far and what are you looking forward to the most? Anthony put out an open call for a female keyboardist and singer and I sent a couple of videos. I found out less than a month later that I’d be joining M83 and going on tour for the rest of the year. It’s been amazing so far. I’m looking forward to seeing the world and playing huge stages! Every bit of it is a dream.

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THREE UT O B A S THING TIFUL A BEAU N WOMA

CAMILA Tell us about your first car… It was a 2006 Honda Civic that I got from my cousin. It was white and had a manual transmission. Driving in traffic sucked in the beginning. How do you feel about rising gas prices? I’m certainly not enthusiastic about it. I don’t think anyone’s enthusiastic about it. Hello? Favorite summer food? Sausage on a stick! It’s the only meat I’ll eat ;)

Daniel Horande Model: Camila SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

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Dig into Fresh Water Lobster BY KALI AH YUEN – @KAALIFLOWER

creature decor, Nate’s Seafood brings a homegrown twist to crawfish. Don’t forget to get your crawfish “Atomic” for a whole ‘nother level of spiciness! natesseafood.com.

Brian Kirk

The Freeman Cajun Café

his time of year, crawfish season is in full swing with sounds of boiling water and the scents of spices from the Deep South filling eateries all over the Metroplex. This year’s harvest is said to be better than the recent past with a good growth schedule and a head start on getting bigger for the fresh water delicacy. Whatever you call them, mudbugs, crayfish, crawdads, crawfish or the aforementioned fresh water lobster, get your appetite ready for some good eats. Here’s a list of our favorite venues that offer fresh crawfish and other seafood dishes that brings elements of the ‘NOLA’ experience to your Texas taste buds:

The Boiling Crab Prepare for a messy delight featuring pools of shrimp and a classy bib. The Boiling Crab sticks to traditional crawfish dishes with a twist adding in spices such as Cayenne pepper, garlic powder and a “secret ingredient” that brings an Asian edge to the flavor. The atmosphere brings the fisherman’s world to life with decorations, from nets to lighthouses to actual boats that give off signs to guests of a good time awaiting. The family-style seating arrangements with an exceptional table space invite guests to spend quality time with friends and family, enriching the overall experience. theboilingcrab.com.

Bringing a Cajun cafe to Deep Ellum, The Free Man Cajun Cafe and Lounge combines food, music and atmosphere to establish itself as a distinguished ‘destination’ in the DFW area. A main stage for performers to fill the atmosphere with delightful sounds and colorful lights to help set the mood gives this cafe a comforting touch. Two main crawfish dishes include the traditional Cajun Crawfish Pasta and Crawfish Etoufee seasoned to any guests liking. Serving boiling fresh crawfish daily for $9.95 a pound with live music as entertainment from alternative to blues, guests are in for a unique lunch or dinner experience. freemandallas.com.

Big Shucks Big Shucks is a casual seafood restaurant serving up favorites from oysters to its signature shrimp cocktail to the notorious crawfish. The seasonal dish of crawfish is available by the pound for market price. The dish is served fresh on a daily basis with the option to add a mixture of spices that adds a kick of taste. Offering a relaxed atmosphere with indoor and patio seating, the environment all together brings a piece of the beach shore to the Metroplex. Big Shucks also has one rule for dress code: there is no dress code, come as you are! awshucksdallas.com.

Shuck N Jive Offering a unique twist on Cajun dishes, Shuck N Jive strives to provide guests with a fun, unique and flavorful experience. Crawfish dishes offered are seasoned with their original Shuck N Jive seasoning highlighted on national media in the past as a part of ‘U.S. Food’s Next Top Product Winner.’ The seasoning is what sets this restaurant apart from others as it brings a bit more life to the

crawfish. The folks here provide a fun atmosphere with indoor and outdoor seating filled with decor and furnishings, such as Mardi Gras beads and colored walls, which give off a New Orleans feel. shucknjive.com.

Flying Fish The Flying Fish offers guests a relaxed lakefront atmosphere and simple, hearty fare. Serving a variety of seafood dishes, the restaurant exclusively offers a wide selection of crawfish. Some crawfish dishes offered include the Fried Crawfish Poor Boy and Mug Bugs, a platter of crawfish in season available at market price. The atmosphere brings a mix of an old school diner meets a fisherman lifestyle together from checkered dining tables to a wall full of Bill Bass fish, which are all up for patrons to adopt. The restaurant also encourages patrons to bring in proof of their fishing prowess and hang their photos on the walls. flyingfishinthe.net.

Fishmonger’s Seafood The Plano native, Fishmonger’s restaurant serves up crawfish specials with a side of an entertainment and atmosphere. Specialty crawfish dishes include the traditional Crawfish Etouffee made with an original dark, spicy roux and Fried Crawfish served with crispy, lightly breaded tail meat. Each crawfish dish ranges at affordable prices from $8.95 to $11.95. Daily specials are offered fairly often with constant updates on its official Facebook page. The venue features just as many fish decorations as there are dishes offered on the menu. Wooden accents and simple decor also fill the restaurant to give it a comforting yet cool vibe, not to mention the live music just about every week! fishmongersplano.com.

The Crab Station Mixing seafood with American twists, The Crab Station is a one-stop restaurant for in-season crawfish. Offering options of seasoning crawfish by heat from Weak Sauce to TKO, with three

options in between, guests can choose spices to their likings. Dishes, including crawfish, are served fresh and at market price. They host weekly contests where guests can win $40 worth of meals via Facebook. Modern decor and furnishings make up the restaurant giving off a cool, comfortable vibe. The atmosphere is filled with sea themed painted walls and large familysized tables offering a unique experience for family, friends and crawfish lovers. 9780 Walnut Street, Suite 270, Dallas.

The Bayou Market Bringing an authentic slice of Louisiana to the DFW area is the mission of Bayou Market, a local deli offering Louisiana Cajun and Creole specialty foods. By adding its own spices and flavoring to Cajun-spiced crawfish dishes, the deli offers unique tastes unlike others of its kind. Specialty dishes include Natchitoches Crawfish Pie, Crawfish Po-Boy Sandwich and a special take on Crawfish Etouffee ranging from $5 to $11. Weekly specials also are offered where customers can get a pound of crawfish for as low as $3.50. The NOLA-inspired deli is fairly small in size, but the flavors are huge in comparison! thebayoumarket.com.

THE RAGIN’ CRAB CAFE Specializing in Louisiana-style seafood, the Ragin’ Crab features a freshest-catch menu of crawfish and other dishes. Guests get to choose their own seasoning preferences from Classic Louisiana spices to the signature Louisiana-inspired Ragin’ Bang spice. Each has a range of heat levels that will satisfy any taste bud. The staff aims at combining the culture of Louisiana seafood with favorite full-flavor culinary traditions of Asia. The restaurant features indoor and outdoor seating with an enclosed patio-like setting. Neon lights and TV screens fill the atmosphere, allowing guests to enjoy fresh crawfish while watching their favorite game in an electric setting. ragincrab.com.

Nate’s Seafood Family-owned since 1988, Heavy Nate has served delicious Gulf seafood, crawfish, steaks and live blues music to the Dallas Metroplex. Offering crawfish in various forms, such as boiled or fried or atop of your etouffee, the combinations are tailored to satisfy your cravings. The atmosphere is just as colorful and fun as the outer neon pink paint of the building expresses. With wooden decor from floor to ceiling mixed in with paintings covering the walls and a touch of sea SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

Darrell Miller

Todd Crusham

Julie Davidson

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Chi-Town Metal Band Prepares to be Immortalized by “The Sound of Silence” BY ALAN SCULLEY ALANLASTWORD@GMAIL.COM

hen Disturbed decided to disappear as a band, the members really meant it, not only going on a hiatus in 2011 that allowed them to pursue outside projects and personal activities, but dropping out of sight once they had regrouped so people wouldn’t know they were actually back together and making a new album, Immortalized, in Las Vegas. “It was very tricky,” guitarist Dan Donegan said, looking back at how Disturbed kept all but a few people in the dark about the return to action. “I mean, we definitely pulled off some ninja moves in order to keep it a secret. “A challenging thing for all of us was not telling some of our family members. I didn’t tell my dad for a long time. I think I told my dad at the very end of it. My mom only knew because she was spending a little more time at my house with my wife, helping out with the kids because I was gone for three months (for recording). So our closest friends, my best friends who were usually around me all the time for a couple of days a week, now I’m gone for three months. “So me and (drummer) Mike (Wengren) did our best to try to fly home on the weekends as much as we could so if anybody was suspicious of us being gone, we were able to at least act like we were just busy during the week. But they’d see us out on the weekend or whatever.” While in Vegas, the group members tried to avoid being seen together, often going to dinner or other places in pairs, using back doors to slip in and out of destinations, and in general, keeping a low profile. “There were a couple of times when we got spotted,” Donegan said. “I guess, the one thing in our favor there was even if somebody called us out on it, we could just say ‘We’re in Vegas. That’s nothing shocking. We’re just out here kind of hanging out as buddies. We just happen to be in Vegas.’ “I think if we were seen together in like Wyoming in a studio or something, then we’re busted. They’re going to know we were only there for one reason. But in Vegas there were enough excuses to make up if we had to.” SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

Travis Shinn

INTERVIEW The cloak and dagger worked. When Disturbed last June announced the August release date for Immortalized, it also sent the first single, “The Vengeful One,” to radio without advance notice. This created the sudden burst of attention the band wanted to create with the secrecy. Immortalized became the fifth-straight Disturbed album to debut at No. 1 on Billboard magazine’s album chart, while the singles – “The Vengeful One,” “The Light” and “The Sound of Silence” -have gone No. 1 on Billboard’s Mainstream Rock singles chart. Disturbed began its hiatus at what might have seemed like an odd time. The group had been on a roll, pretty much from the moment it released its debut album, The Sickness, in 2000. It sold more than four million copies, and the three albums that followed – 2002’s Believe, 2005’s Ten Thousand Fists and 2008’s Indestructible – each went platinum. The 2010 album, Asylum, didn’t reach platinum, but that may have been a function of the industry-wide decline in album sales. Disturbed was still headlining arenas and playing prime slots at major festivals. But a dozen-plus years of staying on a songwriting/recording/tour cycle without extended breaks had taken a toll on Donegan and his bandmates, singer David Draiman, Wengren and bassist John Moyer. They needed to do something other than Disturbed. The timing was especially good when it came to the personal lives of the band members. “At the time of the hiatus, David was just about to get married, and during the hiatus he had his first kid,” Donegan said. “I have two kids and Mike had his second kid. So we had a lot of things going on in our personal lives. So it was nice to go home and have some normalcy to it and just be a dad and be a husband and do a lot of things that we want to do.” During the hiatus, Draiman formed an electronicedged band, Device, which released a top 15 selftitled debut album, while Donegan and Wengren formed the band Fight or Flight, which released

Disturbed, from left, John Moyer, Dan Donegan, David Draiman and Mike Wengren

the album A Life By Design? Moyer, meanwhile, worked with Adrenaline Mob and Art of Anarchy. Donegan said there was never a question that Disturbed would return. The only question was when. “We said you know what, the beauty of it is we’ll return when we feel like we’re all ready and the fire is there, when we’ve missed it so much that we feel like we have something to offer,” he said. The itch started to need scratching during 2013, after Donegan flew from his home in Chicago (where the band came together in 1996) to Austin, Texas, where Draiman now lives. They realized they were missing Disturbed and began thinking reunion. This led to an early 2014 get-together in Chicago between Draiman, Donegan, Wengren and their manager to start plotting their next steps. Donegan soon started coming up with some musical ideas that he e-mailed to Draiman for his input. Over the next few months, the entire band convened for several writing sessions in which the initial song ideas from Donegan and Draiman were developed and refined until the band felt ready to go into the studio with producer Kevin Churko (known for his work with Ozzy Osbourne and Five Finger Death Punch, among others). These face-to-face sessions produced what Donegan feels was the most collaborative Disturbed album yet in Immortalized, as all four band members pitched in on music and lyrics.

The album that emerged sounds like the Disturbed fans have known and propelled to the head of the hard rock/metal class. Songs like “What Are You Waiting For,” “The Vengeful One,” and the title track are forceful but melodic rockers. The biggest surprise on the album is the brooding version of the Simon & Garfunkel hit, “The Sound of Silence,” which features Draiman stretching his vocal range to new lows and highs and the group avoiding big guitar riffs and big drums in favor of a string section. One byproduct of keeping Immortalized secret was the band had to wait until the album was announced to start planning for tours to support the album. That’s why the band is only now hitting the road. But Disturbed is going big with its show. Donegan said there is pyro and plenty of other visual bells and whistles. In addition, the band is playing its longest shows of its career, highlighting new material and covering the hits fans expect, but leaving room for the occasional surprise. “The set list isn’t always going to be predictable for us,” Donegan said. “We’re going to have the meat of the set that will remain the same, but we’ll dig into the archives, deep into the catalog, and pull out an occasional song to change things up so fans will get something they haven’t heard in a long time. It’s fun for us, too, because we’re playing songs that really have kind of been on the back burner for us and we really haven’t played much of before.”

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APRIL 2016

Bits of Wisdom…Conan O’Brien There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized. When all else fails there’s always delusion. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen. Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42.

David Lacasse

If you can laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you’re drunk.

Aries: March 21 - April 19 A horse died on the set of Fast & Furious 8 and the adjective being used while reporting is “tragic.” Sad thing is more people care about this horse dying than they do about you…

Andrew J. Hewett chewednews.blogspot.com WHAT’S HIS LAWYER’S NUMBER? The Leader-Post (Regina, Canada) reported recently, when Vancouver, Canada, police asked to search Jason Pauchay’s apartment for drugs, and assured him he was not a suspect, he agreed. But that all changed after noticing how he’d listed himself on his cell phone: “Jason Pauchay Drug Dealer.”

DID HE EVER RAISE HIS LEG? Last heard authorities were trying to decide whether to press charges against Barbara Jean “B.J.” Geardello (53) and her boyfriend Robert Deyell (56) as exhibitionists. They were observed “progressing” near a busy intersection in Wheeling, West Virginia. Deyell, wearing only a hood on his head and an unidentified object protruding from his rear, crawled on all-fours naked, restrained with a collar around his neck, pulled by Geardello; she wearing only a nightgown. SHE STRUCK-OUT WITH THE JUDGE Theresa Washington told a Will County, Illinois, judge she’d hired Kimberly Williams, 46, simply to take pictures of her naked while she did house work. Instead, she said, Williams became “master” and dragged her by the hair of her head. But the judge ruled she’d beaten up Williams with a baseball bat… for calling another person she’d met on Christian Singles.

Cancer: June 22 - July 22 Asking if the news of the first-ever, allfemale flight crew in Saudi Arabia is an April Fool’s joke, might be the worst way to respond in 2016, but then again you are the worst so…

Libra: September 23 - October 22 The irony will kick in of 4/20 being on a hump day this year after being screwed over when you are fired the next day for posting your celebration of the holiday on Facebook.

Capricorn: December 22 - January 19 “A face only a mother could love” proves to be untrue when your mother offers to pay for plastic surgery as an early birthday gift.

Taurus: April 20 - May 20 A 21-year-old invested $1,500 in stocks and turned it into $1 million. The look of spite and disdain your parents gave you while bringing that up was totally just coincidence.

Leo: July 23 - August 22 Despite what Donald Trump promises, your generation’s birth ended any chance of making humanity great again let alone America.

Scorpio: October 23 - November 21 Time to prioritize major changes in your life after you are rejected from joining OkCupid. The bright side is you don’t have to worry about getting a good profile pic now.

Aquarius: January 20 - February 18 You’re the type of person who bitches about no one helping the homeless while you donate to help Kanye West’s “debt.” Your parents regret teaching you not to play in traffic.

Gemini: May 21 - June 21 Your friends know beauty sleep doesn’t apply to you and choose to ignore the cries for help in the form of you chugging Nyquil. If you live through this one, stop calling it Night-quil.

Virgo: August 23 - September 22 You’ll finally decide to try cannabis for the first time to see what all the fuss is about. Too bad it’ll be laced with PCP.

Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21 Maybe you could use a joint after you find your parent’s published book, My Child, The Lil’ Bastard in the non-fiction section at Half-Price Books.

Pisces: February 19 - March 20 Faking your death on April Fool’s Day results in instant regret when you learn everyone seems a lot happier at the thought of you gone. WWW.BLITZWEEKLY.COM

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The “Devil’s Lettuce” MONEY! & All That It Implies That’s What They Want BY PAUL A. ESQUIVEL – @SOAPMANSUPREME

APRIL 20, 2016 IS A MUCH DIFFERENT TIME FOR THE “420” HOLIDAY TO LIGHT UP. How the majority of citizens feel about this plant is very different than five years ago and it got me thinking, I have never understood how our society accepts lies we know are lies, for whatever reason it may be. Public perception of marijuana has shifted away from being the feared “devil’s lettuce” we’ve all been used to hearing. Stereotypes about unproductive stoners aren’t how most of the population still sees marijuana users, but the old stubborn attitudes cling on, somehow refusing to die. Even back as early as 2013 the Drug Abuse Resistance Education, a.k.a. the D.A.R.E. Program, quietly removed marijuana from its list of gateway drugs. But why do it quietly? I may have an answer to that later, but I remember in elementary school being taught by the D.A.R.E.

prove it isn’t the big boogey man they made it out to be. Yet still in the face of these facts people against marijuana want their opinion to hold as much sway as the actual truth. Nineteen states have decriminalized marijuana in America and we haven’t descended into “Reefer Madness.” Just look to Colorado, there are still “dry” counties that don’t allow the sale or possession of the plant, so the citizens aren’t exactly having weed forced into their hands, homes, or communities. Maybe that’s the reason why D.A.R.E. and others who have had such a strong opposing stance against marijuana in the past have quietly and reluctantly slowed down the engine of the pot propaganda machine. The fear-mongering that fueled this attitude has run dry. What’s left in the wake of lies is not only people incarcerated for something that might be perfectly fine in a state over, but also people who are suffering physically or mentally because the

BY PETER GERSTENZANG – @HAPPYSPAPPY As April 15 looms, Americans suddenly are divided into one of two groups. The first includes the anal retentive apple polishers who filed their taxes at the end of January. The other half have put off filing for so long, they’ve just hired attorneys to help them with their plea bargains. Which is fine, as long you don’t do what I did. And get the guy who represented Wesley Snipes. Whatever your situation, I’ve compiled a list of great songs about that hellish, timely topic, money. “Money Changes Everything” The Brains: An incredibly catchy ode to the power of the almighty dollar. You can sing it everywhere but the Internal Revenue Service office. Where it is thought of not as a song, but a suggestion of bribery. Wink at an agent while singing? They add five years to your sentence.

PublicDomainPictures.net program about how marijuana could and would destroy my morals and values along with my life. D.A.R.E. plus the adults I trusted who warned me were the reason I was blindly against marijuana for longer than I’d like to admit. I made double standards for close friends who started to smoke weed because I knew them, and they weren’t lazy do nothing pot-heads, but everyone else who I didn’t know that smoked pot was and they shouldn’t be doing that. Yeah, that was my hypocritical line of thinking until I turned 21. Prior to that, I had a preconceived notion towards people who smoked and silently judged them on mistakes they made and would cite pot as just another reason they were bound to screw up. The mindset I had back then was unfair, unjustified, and the worst part is that it was taught to me. These lies did more damage than good and the war on drugs only exacerbated the situation. Propaganda about marijuana was fed to us for decades and now we have scientific facts that SMARTER, SHARPER MEN

state they live in refuses to legalize marijuana, even for prescribed medicinal use; all because of the discrimination campaign we launched against a plant. Just things to consider for my fellow Texans who decide to blaze up for the holiday. Our governor, Greg Abbott, has said Texas absolutely will not legalize marijuana for medicinal or recreational use as long as he’s in office. More than 20 states allow some form of medicinal marijuana but Texas refuses to join their ranks. Do your own research about marijuana and look up the facts, then ask yourself, with what we know now, why are we still upholding something the majority of us don’t agree with or support? Marijuana prohibition creates victims instead of protecting anyone, the ones who could be treated by cannabis, the ones who die at the hands of traffickers who profit off of what we prohibit and the ones who are behind bars longer than someone who drives drunk and takes a life. Happy 420.

“You Never Give Me Your Money” The Beatles: The government folks are cagy. First, they send you an mp3 of this tune by e-mail. Then they write and ask if you liked it. If you did, they sign you up for a five-year subscription to a record club. Stuff comes you never ordered. By the time you’re done, with penalties and fines, you’ve paid for years of taxes. Plus, half of the war in Iraq. “Gimme The Loot” The Notorious B.I.G: The tax people usually start out very polite. With a letter suggesting an audit that reads like something by Jane Austen. The next letter has a bit more edge, like it was written by Elmore Leonard. Try and respond at this point. Because, the final contact is a call, in which an agent raps this Biggie tune over the phone. And it’s the X-rated version! Even worse? You don’t know true terror until an IRS rep calls you “homeboy.” “Alimony” Ry Cooder: The narrator of this song is complaining about how he has to keep supporting his wife. And he sounds so pained, it’s like he’s literally supporting her. And she weighs 300 pounds. Plus, he’s so broke, he can’t afford a truss. He probably doesn’t know that alimony is deductible. Man, those blues singers. They never see the bright side. “Legal Tender” B-52s: A groovy tune about counterfeiting money. Which, of course, is no way to pay your taxes. It’s totally illegal. In fact, you never read this. And I never wrote it. And, uh, God Bless America!!! “Money” Barrett Strong: A great song about financial desperation. Even if Donald Trump now claims he came up with this thing too. A cool tune to hear on the radio. However, if the IRS calls you up in the middle of the night and blasts it, it will take an IV solution of triple-strength Thorazine to scrape you off the ceiling. And if you think that you’re playing this over the phone to them to speed up your refund, forget it. They’ll then call 24/7 and play sound bites from Trump’s speeches. And no drug can counter that.

VOL. 9 - ISSUE 3

APRIL 2016

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