THE SCRAWL
T H E S T U DE N T N E W S PA P E R OF B E T H A N Y L U T H E R A N C OL L E G E • M A N K A T O, M I N N E S O T A
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Wrestling puts a headlock on Bethany By Deasmond T.
Vanquishing the likes of evil, Superkowski rises
Moonbear
See page 7, WRESTLING
Pope takes special vacation to grace Bethany’s campus By Sherlock Holmes
Scrawl Staff Writer
An elite group of men on Bethany’s campus noticed that a Track and Field team was started this year, and thought that they should be able to perform their talents as well. They have come together to form a wrestling team, which will begin competing next year. Junior Frank Marble said, “Wrestling is my sport. I’m going to be graduating next year, and I want one last chance to grapple with raw man power one last time before I have to get a job and take care of myself.” The new coach will be Mathematics Professor Kyle Jore. Jore wrestled through high school and had a full scholarship opportunity to wrestle for Harvard but turned it down. “My heart was not in it at the time,” Jore said. “Standing in a classroom for the past few years trying to get people to understand Calculus has gotten me pretty worked up. Coaching the wrestling team will give me a chance to let some of that out.” Introducing a new sport presents a challenging problem. There is currently no place for the team to practice. Plans have not been solidified yet, but Jore thinks that it would be best to turn one of the racquetball courts into a wrestling pit. If that does not work, the engineering department might have to take up the task of building a new practice area. This would most likely be above the North gym. Physics Professor Nicklaus Ollrich said, “Students have been building small bridges out of
Mar. 28, 2013
Scrawl Staff Writer
up his identity if he was going to steal something. He’s always saying ‘shish boom bah.’ Or is that someone else? I can’t remember now.” “No, it’s not Chaplain Stadmol. It’s not anyone. Darkshoop is an imaginary character, and so is Superkowski, for that matter,” said freshman Jonathan S. Tuttle. “I understand that people would doubt my existence,” said Superkowski. “For one thing, I try my best to remain unseen by the public. For another, my superpowers are so incredible that I don’t believe it myself sometimes. “When I was young, I was bitten by a Kowski Beetle, and all of a sudden I could run super fast, jump super high and eat super spicy foods. It took me a while to come to grips with my powers and decide to use them for the good of others. There’s a lesson in that for all of us,” said Superkowski. Superkowski recently displayed his powers in an epic battle, which took place in the Writing Center on Thursday, Mar. 22. Seniors
Ravenous reporters, pestering paparazzi’s and chaotic cameras. This was the scene on Wednesday, Mar. 20, as just one week after he was elected, Pope Francis paid a visit to Bethany Lutheran College. The visit of Pope Francis was in keeping with the sacred tradition of popes delivering their first sermons at Bethany. In 2003, Bethany played host to Pope Benedict XVII, who notoriously ended his visit by causing Nerf guns to be forever banned from campus. Pope Francis’ visit included presiding over the morning chapel service, wherein he spoke about many things, including the significance of the teachings of Martin Luther as well his immense fandom of The Da Vinci Code. His homily was very well received. “I was rather surprised to find out that the Pope was such a devout follower of the teachings of Martin Luther,” said Professor Burton Guster after the service. “I guess you really can’t judge a papal book by its cover.” From there he stepped in for Chaplain Ron Stadmol and took over his classes for the day, which included Romans and Social Thought. “I thought it would be a good experience for my students to get some time with His Holiness,” said Stadmol. “Although, I’m not really sure if all of them really noticed that it wasn’t me teaching them. I’m just that good sometimes.” Pope Francis made certain to take in lunch in the Bethany cafeteria. “Even in Rome tales of the legendary food of Bethany Lutheran College are abundant. This is honestly the only reason I wanted to come here,” Pope Francis said while enjoying a lunch
See page 4, SUPERKOWSKI
See page 6, POPE
Photo by EDDIE BROCK
He stands for truth, justice, and beautiful brushstrokes. Superkowski is not afraid to right the wrongs, nor to provide charming, intellectual criticism.
By Tim Windorf Scrawl Staff Writer
Faster than a pronghorn antelope! Stronger than our economy! Braver than a medieval warrior! It’s Superkowski! Though he chooses to keep his true identity secret from the citizens of Bethany Lutheran College, Superkowski agreed to meet briefly to answer a few questions, after rescuing a helpless kitten from a tall tree. “I prefer that my true identity remain anonymous,” said Superkowski. “In part, this is to protect my loved ones. [But the anonymity also] makes Superkowski a symbol of security. Anyone on this campus could be Superkowski; there would be no way of knowing.” Superkowski generally keeps himself busy with humble tasks performed in secrecy, such as feeding peanuts to the squirrels and pulling aluminum cans and plastic bottles from the trash and placing them into the recycling bin. “Most of the time there isn’t much stereotypical superhero work to be done around here. But occasionally, my archnemesis Darkshoop comes
around and stirs up trouble. Then it’s hero time,” said Superkowski. Like Superkowski, Darkshoop prefers to work unseen, in the shadows. “You never know when he’s going to strike,” said Superkowski. “Lately, he’s developed a fascination with art, especially paintings.” “I’m sick of this guy,” said William Bukowski, art professor and average citizen. “I had just finished my masterpiece—a beautiful painting depicting the cast of ‘Winnie the Pooh’ playing poker with the cast of ‘Seinfeld.’ I went to chapel and when I got back, the painting was gone. All that was left was an index card with the words ‘shish boom bah’ scribbled on it.” Clearly, Darkshoop likes to leave a calling card, and Superkowski believes the words ‘shish boom bah’ to be some sort of code, which might help him discover Darkshoop’s true identity. Students have their own theories. “I think Darkshoop is actually Chaplain Stadmol,” said junior Ezra Grabau. “I mean, he likes art, and it makes sense that, as a chaplain, he would want to cover
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THE SCRAWL
Mar. 28, 2013
Dubstep proves to be beneficial, shockingly By Sherlock Holmes Scrawl Staff Writer
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tudents delving into the list of course offerings for next fall were in for the shock of their life.
On Monday Mar. 20, President Stan Brusselsprout confirmed Bethany would be offering several courses on dubstep next fall. “We thought it was high time that the music department took a step in a new direction,” said Brusselsprout in his announcement. “We hope to take dubstep and meld it with our Christian values to create something totally unique.” Included in the list of new courses are Intro to Dubstep and Advanced Dubstep, taught by Professor Adrian Lo. These courses explore the methods by which good dubstep music is produced as well as teach students how to create their own original dubstep. The class meets on Mondays, Tuesdays and Fridays at 7:30 a.m. “I jumped at the chance to teach these classes when I heard we’d be incorporating them,” said Lo. “I’ve actually wanted this for quite some time now. I can’t tell you how many times
we’ve sung ‘Oh Come, Oh Come, Emmanuel’ in chapel and I just waited for the beat to drop.” Also new next fall is Dubstep Appreciation, which is taught by Professor Mennis Carzolf. This course dives into the complex history of dubstep, detailing the most prominent dubstep artists throughout the years and as their influence on the art. This course is taught on Thursday from 11 p.m. 2:30 a.m. “Sure, it may be a bit radical,” said Professor Marzolf. “But what is Bethany if not radical?” Dubstep is also making its presence known in the religious studies department with Influence of Skrillex upon American Culture and Thinking, which is taught by Dr. Don Eagles. This course explores the deep influence Skrillex has on us as Christians and Christianity as a whole. This course is taught on Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 12:37 p.m. to 1:46 p.m. in the Coffee Lab. “I’m really excited about this,” said Eagles about the prospect of teaching about dubstep. “I’ve been a huge
Photo by PEPPER HALL
Professor Lo was just informed recently that he will be teaching a new class on campus, “The Meaning of Dubstep”. It was felt that dubstep should be taught on campus because of the rising interest from the students.
fan of dubstep for as long as I can remember.” Ever since students learned of these classes, they are clamoring for a spot in them. Their excitement is almost palpable. “My heart skipped a beat when I saw dubstep in the course listings. I almost couldn’t believe it,” said freshman Ethan Urtel. “Although, to be honest, I think we all knew it was only a matter of time before Bethany went dubstep.” “This may be the greatest thing Bethany has ever
done,” said senior Benjamin Schultz. “I know I’m supposed to be graduating this year but I just may come back for an extra semester or two for this. My career and my life’s ambitions can always wait.” As registration for next fall opened for juniors, spots in all three classes filled up within the first two minutes. “I was taking no chances,” said junior Anthony Miller after managing to claim a spot in Influence of Skrillex
for certain. This led to much confusion for students and professors alike, especially in religion class. Religion professor Martin Zwingli said, “I found the Kardashian sisters to be interesting but disruptive. While trying to explain the concept of sin, both girls repeated the word ‘Bible,’ as if asking a question about the Bible. I repeatedly said that yes, sin was in the Bible, but neither one seemed interested. I ended up having to excuse them from class due to their disruptiveness with their cell phones and loud complaints about the snowy weather ruining their stiletto high heels.” The last complaint the girls had was about the
dining services offered on campus. They were both shocked to find out that there was not a sushi or yogurt bar on campus. Although the cafeteria staff tried to accommodate their needs, this was the last straw for the Kardashians. Sophomore Chelsea Wright said, “I have never seen two girls act so immature in all of my life. After screaming at the cooks that the food was inedible, both girls walked out of the cafeteria and left campus.” Deciding that Bethany was not the right college for them, Kourtney and Kim departed for their home in Los Angeles, California.
Kourtney and Kim take Bethany
By Boz Sketch Scrawl Staff Writer
In a flurry of black suburbans, Kourtney and Kim Kardashian visited Bethany’s campus in order to seek higher education from a Christian viewpoint. After searching the Internet for best recommended schools in the United States, the sisters decided that Bethany was the place. However, the two decided to leave after one day and had a long list of complaints to tweet about. The first complaint was their new living arrangements in a spare room on the fifth floor of Anderson Hall. After Residential Assistant Laura Smith showed them the two-person room, the sisters had confusing looks
on their faces. Smith said, “Kourtney and Kim looked confused. Kim finally asked, ‘this closet is like, kind of small. Do you like, have like, a bigger one? And like, where is our room?’ I tried to explain that this was their room, but both just looked at me and repeatedly said, ‘Bible? Bible?’ I asked them what they meant, but they sighed loudly and asked for directions to the on-campus spa.” Although there is a pool next to the mailroom, the sisters were appalled to discover there was no on-campus spa. Upon further research, Smith determined that the sisters use the phrase ‘Bible’ when asking if something is
College students say the darndest things: If I made a beautiful bitmap, and you change THREE pixels of it, I will be incredibly distraught. -Ethan Coen
upon American Culture and Thinking. “I stayed up all night just to be safe. I downed probably a gallon of Red Bull and several pots of coffee just to keep myself awake. I haven’t slept since, but it was totally worth it.” If these first few classes meet with success, dubstep could branch out even further into Bethany, with rumors of Concert Band and Chapel Brass being replaced in the distant future with Concert Dubstep and Chapel Dubstep.
THE SCRAWL THE STUDENT NEWSPAPER OF BETHANY LUTHER AN COLLEGE MANK ATO, MI N NESOTA
Boz Sketch Content Editor Woman Ray Photography Editor Ethan Coen Layout Editor Carly Rae Jepson Social Media Editor Beyonce Fierce Page Editor Lois Lane Copy Editor Staff Writers: Deasmond T. Moonbear, Tim Windorf, Lois Lane, Jimmy Olsen, Batman, Boz Sketch, Carly Rae Jepson, Winnie the Pooh, Beyonce Fierce, William B. Davis, Sherlock Holmes Photographers: Woman Ray, Annie Liebovitz, Eddie Brock, Superman, Deasmond T. Moonbear, Lenny Marks, Pepper Hall, Charley Marley Designers: Leonardo Da Mincemeat, Donatelaphone, Rhosgobel, Mike Scroll Advisor: Boss Lady All content copyright ©2013
THE SCRAWL
Campus Q&A Who do you think is the most important staff member at Bethany? By Mick Jagger
Dan Bruss President of Bethany Lutheran College “Buck.”
Mar. 28, 2013
Senior Spotlight: Zarrett, Wright By Lois Lane Scrawl Staff Writer
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longtime fixture on Bethany’s campus will set off in May. Senior Dave Zarrett has a very strong presence in music but it is in another form of art where he hopes to land after graduating. “I am in the Studio Art department, and I am going into graphic design, more so web design. I started out being a music major but found my calling in art about a year in. Within the past year, I found that web design is where I want to go for sure. It is one gigantic puzzle I like to mess around with,” said Zarrett.
By Jimmy Olsen Scrawl Staff Writer
F Heidi Harland
Residential Manager “Buck.”
or any college student, time is precious and that means sacrifices. Senior Anna Wright has learned this when it comes to scheduling the activities she is involved with. “My major is Elementary Education with an endorsement in math and ELS (Evangelical Lutheran Synod) certification so I can teach in private schools. I
Even though he is no longer a music major, music is evidently still a big part of his life, as he is in B-Town Drum Line, Bethany Jazz Band, Chapel Brass, hand bells and Bethany Concert Band. It is from his time in music where his best memory resides. Zarrett said, “The night that I decided to give the jazz set list to Lea Wilmes. She had missed the jazz rehearsal where our director gave it to us, so I was presented with the opportunity to talk to her. It was possibly the most emotionally intimidating scenario,
and I am glad that I went through with it because [Wilmes] and I have amazing chemistry. I am just very glad she had the same feelings for me that I had for her.” Zarrett said, “Although I
may look like a very intimidating grizzly bear, I am actually a good listener and friend. I would describe myself more as a cuddly teddy bear than a ferocious grizzly bear.”
am hoping to be teaching in the fall and I am looking for jobs now,” Wright said. “I chose it because I have always liked working with kids, starting with babysitting when I was younger and then from there, working with kids at church or [through] volunteering,” said Wright. One of the many Bethany activities Wright participates in is Photojournalism. “I started Photojournalism
my freshmen year because credit wise, I have never had 18 and under; it’s always been over that. With overload and time wise, I could never do a photo class but [photography] has always interested me,” said Wright. In the past, Wright also volunteered at the Lab. “I also volunteered at the Lab until this year. It is kind of funny; I worked at Caribou Coffee last summer. I did not volunteer this year
but I would have liked to because I actually know how to make the drinks how they are supposed to be made,” Wright said. Wright said, “My best BLC memory would probably be the Boundary Waters trips. I could not go this year because of student teaching, but the previous two years I went and it was the best time ever. The group [of people who go] is always great fun.”
Photo by CHARLIE MARLEY
Freshmen Files Steve Jaeger
Krystal Zaske
Vice President of Student Affairs “Buck.”
Hometown: Renville, Minn. What is your intend ed major? Psychology Describe yourself Adorable, loving, hiin three words: What super powe larious r would you have To fly. You can go an and why? What are you look ywhere, anytime ing forward to this Sunshine summer? Audrey Winkler
Information Secretary “Buck.”
rting
Michael Ha
Ray Thissen (Buck)
Security Guard “I’m the most important, of course.”
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major? r intended What is you words: Music elf in three rs u o y e b ri Desc be cool. ergetic e and why? Very, very en power would you hav once because it would What super play all instruments atthis summer? To be able to u looking forward to What are york No homewo
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THE SCRAWL
Mar. 28, 2013
Buck securing the spot as new mascot By Winnie the Pooh Scroll Staff Writer
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ith the popularity of Ray Thissen (Buck), Bethany’s head security guard, it was decided by Bethany Lutheran College President Stan Brusselsprout that he be named the college’s new mascot. With his kindness and great humor, it was an easy decision. “I have been thinking about changing the mascot for a while now, for the Viking is so cliché, and several students and faculty members have come up to me, requesting Buck,” said Brusselsprout. The new mascot change will not be official until next year. Once the date is settled, there will be a “Buck Day,” where students will have the day off from classes and a party will be thrown in honor of Buck on the campus green. Students and faculty members are excited about
Photo by SUPERMAN
Officer Buck has made such an impact on the Bethany community that Bethany is changing their mascot to the Bucks.
this change and honorary day, as well as anxious for it to be permanent. “Buck is a great security guard. It just fits that he represent who Bethany is. He does a great job in
security,” said junior Rachel Brooks. “I could not be prouder that he is our new mascot. Buck works hard and is always very kind and funny and always puts a smile on
can get their hands on, mostly tree seeds,” said Duesterhoeft. Twitchy noticed long ago that this area was a hot spot for his kind. A bit of an entrepreneur, Twitchy took full advantage of this opportunity. “I run a squirrel apartment complex in the big tree,” said Twitchy. “Best spot in town. Close to food supply and a scenic view of humans.” Lightning, one of Twitchy’s four current tenants, said, “I’ve got family here in Mankato, and I’m visiting them for a few months. It is a nice place to stay, except now that the snow is melting, my room gets kind of wet, on account of the sunroof. Duesterhoeft explained that squirrels are known to hibernate for five to six months, and in her experi-
ence, peanuts are by far their most favorite seed food. I’ve seen Youtube videos of some pretty smart squirrels, so I brought my Microeconomics homework to the interview to see if Twitchy could provide some assistance. Unfortunately, quick as a flash, he grabbed the papers and began chewing them apart, then dashed up the tree to his apartment complex to store all the scraps. “Oh, I thought you were offering me a gift,” said Twitchy. “Paper makes excellent bedding for squirrel nests.” The hubbub woke up the other two tenants, Elec and Tricity, who were taking their afternoon naps. Though these super hyper twins spoke 800 hundred squeaks per second, Duester-
Blocker. However, because of Superkowski’s super speed, however, Darkshoop had no time to hide, and so the fight began. “Darkshoop chucked the painting at Superkowski’s face, but Superkowski melted it with his laser eyes,” said Blocker. “Then Superkowski threw an Ultimate-Punch at Dark, followed by a Kowski Slap.
Superkowski slammed Dark against the wall, and for a second it seemed like he had him pinned there, but then Dark shouted ‘Zip zam zowie!’ which created a kind of deafening boom that pushed Superkowski back, and Darkshoop got away!” “Darkshoop obviously doesn’t train much,” said Alex Sina. “The UltimatePunch looked like it couldn’t knock over a stack of
my face,” said freshman Alice Conrad. A poll was taken with the faculty members on their thoughts about Buck being the mascot, and all of them agreed this was the right choice.
“Buck brightens everyone’s day. Without him, Bethany would not be the same. He is a leader and cares about the Bethany community. That is what makes a great mascot,” said Residential Manager Heidi Harland. The colors of Bethany will still be red and white, and a new uniform will be made that display those colors and distinguish Buck as the mascot. It will look similar to that of Superman’s, though with Bethany’s colors. Instead of an “S” on the front, it will have a “B,” which signifies Buck and Bethany. Buck is ecstatic about the new role and cannot wait to be official, and also as a role model for the Bethany community. “I am honored to be the new mascot and cannot believe I was nominated for this position. I will do my best to be a leader and do Bethany proud,” said Buck.
Having an interview with a tree squirrel By Tim Windorf Scrawl Staff Writer
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queakity, squeak, squeaker. Squeaky squeak, um…squeakum,” said Twitchy, a local pine squirrel. Having seen them from the lower chapel window nearly ever day, I decided it was time to become better acquainted with the squirrels of Bethany Lutheran College. Obviously, I needed a translator. Junior Susan Duesterhoeft has some experience with squirrels, having raised fox squirrels and helped her uncle Paul raise a pine squirrel. Duesterhoeft was happy to do her best to translate the squirrels’ responses, as well as share some background information on squirrels. “Squirrels eat seeds of practically anything they
JUMP: Superkowski Continued from page 1
Louis Blocker and Alex Sina were the Writing Coaches on duty that night. on duty that night. “Darkshoop came running into the Center with a landscape painting, apparently looking for a place to hide from Superkowski, who was hot on his trail,” said
Photo by LENNY MARKS
Pine tree squirrels are popular on the Bethany campus. They are known for eating seeds and hibernating for long periods of time.
hoeft was able to pick out the words “visitors,” “so excited” and “Got any nuts?” After giving each of the four interviewees a peanut, I bid adieu to those adorable little rodents and returned to the human world and kittens.” Superkowski affirmed that he will continue to serve Bethany in any way he can, and he will stand firm against Darkshoop “for the sake of the art.” “I will not rest until Darkshoop is behind bars and the art on this campus is secure,” said Superkowski as he handed the kitten back to its owner.
wondered, “How am I going to do my Microeconomics homework now?” I decided to sleep on it (pun intended).
Tired of being single? Looking for your true love? Look for the launching of Bethany’s new dating website: Cupid for Cana. Meet new people, stalk their user page, and have fun!
THE SCRAWL
Mar. 28, 2013
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Just kidding, it is not Opposite Day By Deasmond T. Moonbear Scrawl Staff Writer
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he International Commission on Dates and Holidays voted last week to make April 2 “Opposite Day.” It will come right after April 3, which is April Fool’s Day. There have been many propositions as to how far this will be implemented, such as changing the day to “Yad Etisoppo” or passing a law stating all robbers should have their houses robbed. Depending on how well the message is conveyed across different languages, the Syrian people might start killing their government officials instead of the government killing the citizens. Taliban soldiers might also use their fellow soldiers as human shields instead of using innocent bystanders. The U.S. Government has considered giving every citizen an AR-15 before taking it back the
next day and jailing everyone for having an assault weapon without a license. Citizens from the U.S. Might consider crossing the border into Mexico with their new weapon and then coming back across the border with tons of illegal drugs. Darth, the woman who came up with the idea, said, “I really want to be a man. I even changed my name to try to make it happen, but it did not work. I really wanted Opposite Day to happen so I could at least be a guy for one day of the year.” Despite its lighthearted sound, the first trial run of this day might be a huge disaster. Instead of helping people, as their Hippocratic Oath states, doctors might let all their patients die, or maybe even hurt themselves so that their patients can help them get better. “Stop” signs might even
be changed to “Go” signs, which would cause many accidents, and the rescue crews would crash their vehicles into the previous wreck instead of helping everyone get out. Both Microsoft and Apple have considered having fun with all their users by flipping the screens on all their computers and inverting the mouse movements. Sophomore and avid Mac user Sarth McBeth said, “If Tim Cook seriously changes my computer on me, I will be very upset. I think I might switch to a Linux computer. They let their users do whatever they want. I will be able to have control over what happens on my screen instead of some stupid jerk from California.” This title presents a unique challenge because if it is Opposite Day, then it is the opposite of Opposite Day, which is
Photo by DEASMOND T. MOONBEAR
The opposite of Opposite Day is opposite of what was least expected.
not Opposite Day. This little mishap might undo all of the changes stated above. Everything would
continue as normal, and most people would not notice a difference.
Free printing runs out of ink; Angry students but happy trees By William B. Davis Scrawl Staff Writer
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run on trees has started, with thousands of students attacking the indigenous forest to retrieve the last remaining paper. Eventually, calm returned after Lumberjack Police Units arrived on scene to corral students. Chief of the Lumberjack Police Unit John Rhys-Davies was on the run when it said, “We have never before put up with so much Minnesotan crazy. A dozen students had chainsaws; they were just throwing them in the air like there was no tomorrow. There was other chaos, like one student with a bowtie and a sonic screwdriver and others flying from tree to tree like they were monkeys. We were lucky we arrived when we did.” All this was in reaction to Bethany Lutheran College announcing free printing on campus will slowly be phased out for students. Students will notice on their return in the fall the lack of printers, as all student printers will be teleported out of places like the Old Main Computer Lab and Meyer PC Lab. If students need to print, they will need to go to Memorial Library. Special Representative
Photo by ANNIE LEIBOVITZ
Printers will be taken from all locations but the library starting after Easter break.
to the Secretary General of the Student Affairs Laurie Holden said, “An investigation carried out by the FBI’s X-File unit and the Lone Gunmen have yielded some very surprising information: Bethany is using too much paper. Therefore, we are instituting a program where students will need to swipe to print. I want to believe students will pay for five reams of paper in their tuition for each semester.” “If they want to print something, they will need to go to the main desk in the library, swipe and print, and
however much they printed will be deducted from their account. If they exceed five reams worth of paper, they will need to pay out of pocket,” said Holden Each ream is 500 sheets of paper, and for each, it is about $8. Holden said the average student prints anywhere from 10 to 25 sheets of paper per day. The average cost for paper per semester for students is $20,000. The fall 2012 semester was nearly double. “I understand this is not true for all students; sometimes it is a lot less, but
other times it is a lot more. For the past five years, we have been over budget when it comes to paying for paper,” said Holden. Students will not be the only ones feeling the pain. Professors will be required to attend a presentation on how to decrease their paper consumption. While students may believe “being green” is the main reason to the plan, it is another type of green is the true motivation. According to Holden, it is the cost, which is no longer feasible. “We must think in terms of
satiability, and if we do that, we see that free printing must go, sooner rather than later,” Holden said. This plan has come against some negative reactions. “Action is required. Students will ban together to stop this from getting implemented. They will see that resistance is not futile,” said junior Wil Wheaton, while printing the rough draft of his 50 page senior thesis on the efficiency of the Warp Drive on the USS Enterprise when in close proximity to the gravitational well of a black hole. Archaeology Professor Harrison Ford said, “This will not affect me; I have a whip. I will always be able to get to the front of the line at any printer.” Holden said, “It may take some time, but students will adjust and life will return to a back pew Lutheran normal.”
Join us in the SFC for:
ZOMBIE APOCOLYPSE SURVIVAL TRAINING April 15th 2013 at 9PM. DOUBLE-TAP
Bring a friend!
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THE SCRAWL
Mar. 28, 2013
News & Notes By Deasmond T. Moonbear Scrawl Staff Writer
Stark changes coming to Florida Lawmakers began to consider drastic changes to the state of Florida. Many people have voiced concerns over the shape of Florida because it resembles at of a handgun. However, the people who wish to make these changes cannot decide whether to move the peninsula or add more land around the state so it more closely resembles a square. “Leaders in Dubai did a similar project when they wanted to change their landscape,” said Frank Morris, a spokesperson for the movement. “We could easily do the same thing here.” “There is absolutely no need for this project,” said Jim Harris, an outspoken critic. “Most Americans do not even know that Florida is a state, let alone what it looks like or where to find it on a map.” If passed, the project would cost approximately $42 billion. Source: CMM New study reveals much about age A new study was recently released by the Franklin Institute, which showed people were not getting younger. “This was very shocking to us,” said Erin Kraft, leader of the research team. “When people see others using computers, they start using computers too. We thought the same thing would happen with age. Babies are always being born, and we thought that people would see that and want to lower their age to be like them.” The study tracked people from all around the world for 15 years to see how time would affect their age. Researchers were surprised to find that the subjects’ birthdays never changed. “We thought that the test subjects would change their birthdays to make themselves younger, but not a single person did that,” said Mary Johnson, another researcher. Scientists are now using the findings from this study to help them see if people are getting older as time goes on. Source: CMM
New visitation hours are coming By Batman
Scrawl Staff Writer
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isitation hours at Bethany signal the time when women can go to the mens’ dorms or vice versa. Current visitation hours last four to five hours on weekdays and 10 to 11 hours on weekends. However, for the next academic year, visitation hours will be shortened drastically. This change comes after much discussion between staff members and research showing how much time students spend with friends and how it can negatively affect their grades. The new changes remove visitation on weekdays and visitation will only last from 5 - 10 p.m. on the weekends. In addition to the decrease in hours, students will also be required to leave their keys at the front desk, along with their ID cards when visiting an opposite gender dorm. Finally, there will be stricter punishments for those who do not follow the new guidelines. This includes not being allowed in other residence halls for an entire month. Staff members believe that these new regulations will encourage students to focus more on their school work. They also believe that the new punishments will motivate students to follow these
Pope: First stop Bethany continued from page 1 of cold hash browns and green beans. “I’m just disappointed that I missed grilled cheese day.” The cafeteria staff spared no expense when they heard they would be receiving a papal visit, immediately dusting off the traditional paper plates and only the finest plastic utensils wereused for the Pope. “He’s the Pope. We can’t be giving him anything other than the best,” said Director of Food Services Julia Child. “Besides, we can’t let it get around that Bethany doesn’t show our Pope a good time.” Pope Francis spent the later portion of the after-
Photo by PEPPER HALL
Fewer dorm hours will allow for more quiet time for students to study and sleep without disruptions.
guidelines. This has turned into a very controversial topic around campus with many students who strongly disagree with the new regulations. “I completely disagree with the school’s decision to shorten visitation hours,” said freshman Selina Kyle. “I feel that the school should support students’ social lives as well as our academic careers.” There are quite a few staff members, however, who support these latest changes. “I support these changes due to the fact that studies show that allowing students
to spend too much time with their peers can lower their grades,” said Professor Bane. While there are students and staff members who feel strongly about this topic one way or another, there are some who do not seem to care. “I don’t have as much of a problem with these changes as other people do,” said sophomore Ra’s al Ghul. “I rarely go over to the other dorms, and when I do, it is only for a little bit.” While staff members and students each share different opinions about the changes to visitation hours,
noon watching ESPN in the Viking Village and challenging unsuspecting passersby to foosball. “I never would have imagined that the Pope would be so good at foosball,” said freshman Roger Ledbetter after getting a thorough trouncing. “As it turns out, skill at foosball is a major determining factor in the election of a pope. Who knew?” “I don’t know what this madness of March thing is,” said the Pope after taking in Sportscenter. “I just hope that it is not contagious. I have a good feeling about this Florida Gulf Coast team, though. I see them as a Sweet-16 team.” He would later on turn out to be correct with his prediction. In the evening, Pope Francis again graced the chapel with his presence as he preached the Vespers
service. He insisted on preaching this time from the balcony to feel more at home. He spoke the homily in several tongues, including Latin after a request was made from someone in attendance. At the conclusion of his sermon, he bid a tearful farewell to Bethany, as his time here had come to a close. As he left Trinity Chapel for hopefully not the final time, he flashed his signature “V” for victory, hopped on the papal bicycle and rode off into the sunset. “I will never forget my time here,” said Pope Francis through tears after Vespers. “And with any luck this won’t be my last visit. I actually talked a bit with the staff about taking over the class on Martin Luther next fall. Fingers crossed!”
“I completely disagree with the school’s decision to shorten visitation hours. I feel that the school should support students’ social lives as well as our academic careers.” Selina Kyle Freshman
the changes have been finalized for the 2013-2014 school year and students will just have to enjoy the current visitation hour schedule while they can.
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THE SCRAWL
Mar. 28, 2013
7
Bethany welcomes Twins minor leaguers By Carly Rae Jepsen Scrawl Staff Writer
T
he last couple seasons for the Minnesota Twins have been rough. Whether it was trading players who became key to the Twins organization or the line-up being haunted by numerous injuries ever since 2011, the Twins have not been able to return to the team Minnesota knew them as. With the acquiring of promising pitchers in the off-season and stellar performances from the team in spring training, so far, the Twins organization has high hopes for the team this season. However, they know they can do more.
Wrestling: Get out of this one continued from page 1 wood for a long time, but this will be a great opportunity for them to put their skills to the real test.” The rink would most likely
After a visit to the Bethany campus to finally meet his long lost step third cousin Mark DeGarmeaux, Twins General Manager Jerry Bryan returned home that night with a lot of thoughts racing through his mind. “I got home that night, sat down in my bean bag chair and thought about everything. To finally meet the cousin that I had been searching for, for what seemed like forever, was amazing, but what was even more amazing was the campus – especially the baseball field,” said Bryan. Bryan and the rest of the Twins head office had recently been talking about moving the Rochester
Redwings (the Twins triple A minor league team) from Rochester, New York to Minnesota, so Twins fans could get a look at who was coming up in the Twins organization closer to home. “In the last two seasons, we have called a lot of guys up mid-season from the Redwings to help out and give them an opportunity to show us their stuff. With that being said, it seemed only right to bring them closer to the fans so they could get to see them before they come play at Target Field,” said Twins head coach Jon Gardenfire. Since it seemed to be a no-brainer, the Twins went right to work in finding a
good Minnesota home for the Redwings, and the first (and in the end only) place discussed was Bethany. “So many things stood out to us about Bethany. It was in a great town, there is a hospital right next to the field in case anyone gets hurt and most importantly, the state of the art baseball field,” said Bryan. “When I heard [Bethany] had been selected to be the new home for the Twins minor league team, I was ecstatic. For a Division III school like us to get to work with a professional baseball team…I can’t wait to see what is ahead for our guys,” said Bethany baseball head coach Ryan Kragh.
And that is what is in the agreement as of right now. The Redwings will be staying on campus (most likely in Teigen Hall). They will have their own practice and game schedule, but they will also practice with the Vikings every day. There is also talk of allowing any of the Redwings to take classes in their free time. “Although this won’t happen until the 2014 season, we are really looking forward to having our minor league team close to home, and even more excited to become a part of the Bethany family. We look forward to making a lot of memories in the coming years,” said Gardenfire.
be suspended from the roof, which will open up to provide better lighting. This suspension system would give the floor a bouncy feeling, which would be another problem in addition to athletes tackling their opponents. The springy floor would cushion some of the blow and reduce injuries. “Wrestling is one of my least favorite sports,” said
assistant athletic trainer Allison Kennedy. “There are so many injuries from this sport, like bruised knees and scraped elbows. I hope they opt for the physics department to build the new springy floor. That will cut the injuries by more than half.” So far, there are eight students interested in competing, with the possi-
bility of some new freshmen also joining. Jore has scheduled 16 tournaments so far, so each wrestler will have two opportunities to wrestle outside of practice. Jore said, “I think it is best for each person to wrestle for one full day, and then take a few weeks to recover. That is how I became so good. I would wrestle every player from one school and
then take three weeks to recover. When it came time for the state tournament, going against only two people was a piece of cake.” “The last time I got to wrestle was with my brother in fifth grade. I cannot wait to do it again,” said sophomore Frank Mayer. “It is going to be a blast.”
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THE SCRAWL
Mar. 28, 2013
Bethany ringing in wedding chapel for students By Beyonce Fierce Scrawl Staff Writer
L
ove has always been in the air when it comes to Bethany students. With the high amount of marriages and engagements, it was time for another chapel to be built in dedication for such purposes. Chaplain Ron Stadmol came up with the idea once he realized the last 15 marriages he performed at Trinity Chapel were for Bethany students. “This is a great opportunity for the students; this way they do not have to worry about clashing
wedding dates at the Trinity Chapel and make it bigger too, for those students who have more guests to invite,” said Stadmol. Other features include a reception hall next door, where there is a dance floor and a catering service is available with food from Bethany’s food service. Cana Chapel will be its name. Construction will begin this summer and Bethany hopes to complete it before the fall semester. This way, students who want an autumn wedding will be able to have one on campus. “I hope Bethany can have
it completed in time. I want to have my wedding in the middle of September, since the beautiful leaves will be changing colors,” said freshman Josephina Roberta Maria Lupe-Sanchez. The numbers of engagements have actually increased due to the buzz of the upcoming chapel. There are already 12 couples who have signed up to be married during the grand opening this fall. Planning is underway for a contest for future brides to cast lots to see who will be the first married couple at Cana Chapel.
Because of the popularity of the chapel, Bethany has also decided to form its own dating website so that couples can easily meet on campus in hopes of later marrying them in the Cana Chapel. “This is a great idea. I came to Bethany in hopes of meeting my future wife. This dating website, Cupid for Cana, will help me find my soulmate,” said junior Marco Polo. “I cannot wait to sign up. I am single and ready to mingle,” said sophomore Rebecca Blacke. Cupid for Cana will launch before the Spring Formal,
in hopes of students getting dates for the big event. On the website, users can ask others questions, read their biographies and post pictures of themselves. This way, users can get to know each other in deeper ways. With the high amount of interest in the new chapel, the website should go off with a bang and be just as successful. For those who want to put a ring on it, look out for the launching and talk to Chaplain Stadmol for more information.
Photos by WOMAN RAY
Disclaimer: All news and quotes found in this issue of The Scrawl dated Mar. 28, 2013 are completely fabricated and should not be taken as truth in any way. From the entire staff, we hope you have received a good laugh from this special issue and please remember it was all done in the spirit of fun.