OF THE HOUR RAJ THAKAR & NANCY YANG VOLUME I • ISSUE IV
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OF THE HOUR RAJ THAKAR & NANCY YANG VOLUME I • ISSUE IV
N A N C Y &
R A J
ow long have you guys been together? NY: We’ve been together for two years and four months. RT: So 2.33 years. How did you meet? NY: We met through [our friend] Brandon. The first time I met Raj I didn’t like him. That day I was supposed to be having lunch with [my friend] Bess. And then my exboyfriend got roped into it and then Brandon got roped into it and he brought Raj along. I was already tired from having a 9:30 a.m. class that day, so it was horrible to begin with. I thought it was going to be an intimate lunch, but I was forced to socialize. I was pissed off, but Raj was being the sociable person that he is and was talking too much; I didn’t like him. Did you reciprocate these feelings of aversion for Nancy the first time you met her? RT: I was kind of sad because I didn’t think I was talking too much, I just didn’t realize how slowly people operate outside of the Northeast. I would say something and no one would say anything, it’s like they had to buffer their answers for 60 seconds before responding. It was just really strange. Where did you go to eat? RT: Suzie’s. The Chinese place that closed? RT: I guess so. Good riddance. I only have bad memories there. How long did it take you to warm up to Raj? NY: We didn’t really talk until much later. RT: Yeah, that semester, that was the first and last time I saw her. How did you happen to meet up again? NY: We were in the same [Management and Organizational Analysis] class. We also talked a couple of times before that. He came over to my room one night.
RT: We played Wii Golf – not just us though. NY: I guess I warmed up to him a little more then. How did you get from that point to going on your first date? What happened in between? NY: We were in the same class, like I said, and we had to form groups, so we kind of just teamed up because I didn’t know anyone else in the class. One day the teacher let us out 45 minutes early and I said, “I haven’t eaten breakfast yet, so I’m going to go eat.” And Raj was like, “Do you want to hang out?” And I said “Fine.” I had time to kill. And that was the first time we really talked. Raj was talking about all of his girl problems. RT: I don’t have girl problems. NY: You totally did! You wanted to go to a wedding with this girl, but she had a boyfriend or something, so you didn’t really want to go with her. RT: That’s not what happened at all. She was coming on to me. Was the problem that you just couldn’t fend off all the girls, Raj? RT: More or less. More, not so much less. NY: Anyway, that was the first time we really talked. RT: I was asking for advice, as people unnaturally and very commonly do. NY: That is true. People always come to me for advice. Is Nancy a good listener? RT: She’s a very good listener. So who asked who on the first date? RT: We didn’t go on dates because she – NY: I was still in a relationship. Whenever we met we only went to eat lunch together. RT: But I paid for it. NY: You did? I thought we totally split. RT: No. And then when I would pay for the cab home, you would be like, “Okay!” You were so agreeable about everything. You know how most people would say, “Oh, you don’t have to,” and then I would insist?
It wasn’t even like that. It was more, “Oh, great! Thanks!” NY: No it wasn’t! That wasn’t exactly what happened because I offered to pay for the next cab. I just never saw the point of disagreeing when I could pay for the next cab, or whatever. Anyway, we didn’t really have dates, we just had lunch. And then? NY: And then things ended with [my ex-boyfriend] pretty abruptly. RT: Basically, I was approaching it as a date, but I have principles. I didn’t want to break up her relationship even though I thought her philosophy on why she was together with her current boyfriend at the time was very stupid. And what was that philosophy? RT: That she was going to – she fell out of love with him and it was getting irritating already going into the winter break of sophomore year. How long were you with him? NY: We were together for three or four years, doing long-distance for one year. And then he moved to New York the following year and that’s when things started falling apart. RT: She noticed that she liked her time away from him more than her time with him. NY: Yeah, that was basically what happened. It just dragged on until three weeks before the semester ended. It was pretty terrible for me and for [Raj] too. RT: Before that semester had just started, Nancy and her boyfriend agreed not to break up until the end of that semester. NY: It was really bad. So you had an arranged breakup? NY: Yeah. It sounded good at the time– RT: How? NY: It just did at the time, but it wasn’t. Are you happier now? NY: Yeah, I’m very happy. RT: That’s why I took her on tons of dates, but they weren’t date dates until after she broke up with her boyfriend. So she was weighing her options during those crucial three weeks and I started taking her on some amazing dates. Tell me about one of them NY: We went to Central Park, spent the day there, and then went to a French restaurant – Pascalou. That was kind of our real first date, walking around
Central Park with a lot of really pretty cherry blossoms. Another day, we wanted to do a lot of things, but never got to. We were supposed to spend the day in Brooklyn, but instead decided to come back to the city and go to the Brooklyn Bridge. But while we were there, we decided that we actually wanted to play soccer, so we ended up playing barefoot in a field next to Chelsea Piers. After that we went to Novita. It’s a restaurant on 22nd; it’s really nice. Then we went to the Empire State Building.
options. NY: It was very terrible. RT: It was a dark time for Nancy.
she flew off. And when she came back it was history. It was like we forgot about whatever happened and decided to roll with it. I think that’s a big part of the reason my For Nancy or for you? Or maybe both of friends back home tell me how jealous they you? are of my relationship. I think that’s pretty RT: Yeah, it sucked for everybody. On the cool – and they’re all macho men. So we’ll last day, I was like, “Screw this, she’s taking get together and have an informal party, play me for a ride, I’m not going to take her on a beer pong or something, and one of them last date on the day before she leaves.” Or gets plastered and pulls me to the side and at least, that’s what I said in my head. She says, “Yeah man, I want that,” and I’ll go, called me and asked, “Are we still going?” “It’ll happen, just make your shot first.” But And I said, “Sure,” ended up speeding into out of decency, I don’t want anyone to go This was all in the same day? the shower and going. Basically, I cancelled through what I went through, but anything RT: Yeah. I spent a shit-ton of money. my plans for that day so I hadn’t made a worth having is worth what you have to put NY: I didn’t know at that time. reservation or anything. So we drove to this in to get it, whether that’s love or anything RT: No, it’s fine; it was worth it. I was like, hole in the wall spot in Brooklyn that looked else. The thing is that when you know and “I’m not going to lose this girl.” I had three really shitty, so I told her to turn around get what you want and then are completely
“I saw something in Nancy that is still unraveling today. She is a product of her own experiences and a tapestry of many colors and it unravels the more you’re with her, so you get to see what her being happy is really like.” – Raj THAKAR weeks until she flew away, so I just kind of threw everything in her face. So after Novita, we came back to my place and I thought, “Why stop here? What can I do that’s impulsive, but cool?” And so we went all the way to the top of the Empire State Building because there are two levels: 86th floor and 102. When you’re at the top with that panoramic view – first of all, it was like a high school party because everyone was making out. But it was really beautiful.
and we ended up going back to Manhattan. satisfied with what you got, you’re always Long story short never go to Brooklyn. going to downplay the sacrifice you made to get it. And that’s because what you have is Are you kidding? I love Brooklyn so great. And I guess what I’m trying to say RT: For some reason, for a nice romantic is that she makes me really, really happy. walk, it just doesn’t seem better than Manhattan. So we ended up coming to How different would things be if you Manhattan, had no plans at all, ended didn’t pick up your phone that day she up at a Starbucks, had some coffee, and called you before she left? just sat there. And she was like, “You RT: It would be over. know what, I like you.” She had made up NY: Nothing would have started. her mind. I saw something in Nancy that RT: Over those three weeks, there were So at what point during all of this did is still unraveling today. She is a product infinite points where we could have just said, you think you really had a chance with of her own experiences and a tapestry of “What the fuck are we doing?” And there Nancy? many colors and it unravels the more you’re were one or two times where we actually RT: Never. with her, so you get to see what her being agreed to separate and it just didn’t work. happy is really like. The real her has a very NY: This happened multiple times. Actually, You went on all these elaborate dates, infectious, cheerful disposition that didn’t every time we met, I would tell him, “This you even made out with her, and you quite show until that developmental period is going to be the last time I see you again,” still didn’t think you had a chance? at which point she made the crucial decision and it just never happened. It was really RT: Well, she was still weighing her – and I’m thankful – to be with me before horrible though –
RT: Because I obliged. It was very out of character for her to reach out. She would call, “I can’t – want to hang out today?” NY: It was horrible though because if you know me, you know I have a resolve of steel. I make up my mind and I stick to it. So everything about that was out of character for me. So Raj is your weak spot? NY: I would say so because every time we separated, I told myself I wasn’t going to see him again and that was it; he was just going to be a memory and we’ll move on. And it just never happened. I was determined not to see Raj because I just got out of a relationship, and I didn’t want to get into another one when I am obviously not ready. And while I was being indecisive, I realized that whatever developed between Raj and
hurting him, and that in turn hurt me. We ended many dates with me crying and telling him I would never see him again to prevent me from hurting him. Every time my heart tore open. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been for him. The cycle happened over and over again until I made up my mind. I knew I was ready to pursue another relationship with a guy I already loved. Would you consider that period to be the most frustrating thing about your relationship? RT: Hands down. I don’t think there is anything about my life worse than that. In comparison, the entirety of the rest of our relationship has been smooth sailing. NY: We don’t get into arguments. RT: I don’t think we’ve fought, ever. And I
assignment, getting a job, or just a general life transition. And on her end, I am the voice of reason to her paranoia. So it’s a very harmonious balance and our personalities don’t clash in the way a lot of relationship personalities do. And the way that we love each other isn’t in the “Facebook fake” kind of way. I don’t spend enough time on there; I used to write to her a lot. NY: He writes poems. RT: Lots. I pride myself in my writing ability. I don’t know if I can weave a beautiful tale, but when my heart’s in it I can really write. I think I write really good poetry. How many poems do you think you’ve written to Nancy? RT: I would say probably close to 50. NY: I would say 20 to 30.
“I realized that whatever developed between Raj and I was going to be something serious. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was in love with him. I knew how much I was hurting him, and that in turn hurt me.” – NANCY YANG I was going to be something serious. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was in love with him. I knew how much I was
never thought I had time to do the things we do, like one time when we spent 17 hours on Skype. But I was so in love. I finally had her and I didn’t get the chance to enjoy that because she flew away. Anyway, I think our relationship has been a series of different challenges in sequence that we’ve overcome with little to no difficulty. More often than not, we offset each other. Where I may lack the discipline or intrinsic skills to tackle something, she makes me a better person and makes me address what prevents me from efficiently confronting the problems and challenges I face, whether it be an
Have you met one another’s parents yet? RT: Finally, yeah. She met my parents way before I could meet her parents because my parents are in Jersey. NY: He met my mom fairly often because my mom comes to visit me about twice a year. RT: She was easy to win over, her mom. NY: My mom was not. She’s not angry or anything – RT: But she looks like she is, which is the important part. NY: She is just not easily amused. I can’t read her mood very well either. Have you warmed up to her, would you say? NY: My mom warmed up to Raj. I think she
likes him. RT: I really need to learn Mandarin to bridge the gap because – NY: My parents really don’t speak any English. I think I get along well with his parents, though. RT: My parents love her. Like, it’s gross. I hate it. She visits my house and she gets all the things that I want. “Oh, this is the good piece. Give it to Nancy.” But it’s different because 10 times out of 10, I would give her that piece, but my parents stiff-arm me. Everybody loves her. I really thought that the race thing would be – it’s probably more of an issue on her side of the family than it is on mine. Not to say that
friendship]. The way it worked at my school RT: One is when she said yes and the other is was that they were all part of this “Brown three days later when it was on Facebook. Town” Indian clique. All of your friends are supportive of Ah it’s cliquey. That’s what you’re get- you two? Have you had any problems? ting at? NY: I get along with his friends, invite them RT: The subtext of the relationship was all over for parties and stuff. always, “We are Indian, we are friends.” RT: They love you. Everyone thinks you’re so amazing. All they do is say, “She’s too good Like there’s an assumed brotherhood? for you.” RT: Yeah. What’s your favorite thing about Raj, Have you two faced any challenges Nancy? Or Raj, about Nancy? racially? RT: That the next thing she does always RT: As far as Nancy goes, coming into my becomes my favorite thing about her. I family was no issue at all. I basically told my am so smitten with her. That’s the best
“More often than not, we offset each other. Where I may lack the discipline or intrinsic skills to tackle something, she makes me a better person and makes me address what prevents me from efficiently confronting the problems and challenges I face. And on her end, I am the voice of reason to her – Raj THAKAR paranoia.” it’s an issue, but on my side, my uncle is an Indian priest and I thought I had traditional grandparents, but I totally don’t. I think I’ve been going counter to what everyone told me for a very long time and forced them to be open-minded. They pushed me to be a doctor, lawyer – didn’t do that; they pushed me to join Indian clubs – didn’t do that; I dropped out of Indian Sunday school and just started to go against my own culture hardcore. I was a pretty big rebel. Then I got to college. I don’t think I even had a remote friendship interest in making Indian friends.
parents once it was a serious thing, which was right when she left. We were talking on Skype so much, I thought, “Might as well tell them,” because it felt really serious. She officially became my girlfriend over Skype. NY: That period was so horrible for me because I’ve always been a girl who is serious about relationships and that was one of the problems because I had just gotten out of one and didn’t want to be in one. That’s why I pushed him away. And then when I realized that I could finally have something real and long-lasting again, it wasn’t a problem anymore. Was there anything in particular that RT: We still decide between June 7 and June 10. drove that mentality? RT: I felt like being friends with someone NY: Yeah, we don’t really have an official because they are Indian cheapens [the date.
way to say it. I could think of a million different things, but in this very moment, she always manages to act in a certain way that sweeps me off my feet. I like the way she gets overwhelmed by choice; she can’t handle choosing from many options and I think that’s adorable. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with her. Everything that is objectively wrong with someone, when in Nancy, just becomes loveable and charming. NY: Besides the fact that he’s funny, charming, and smart – but these are things most people already know. He’s always very positive – his positivity is what’s very attractive about him. He’s always upbeat. There are always things that bog me down, especially when I have a lot of stress, but he’s there to cheer me on and that’s kind of
“He’s always very positive – his positivity is what’s very attractive about him. He’s always upbeat. There are always things that bog me down, especially when I have a lot of stress, but he’s there to cheer me on and that’s kind of hard to do. He believes in – NANCY YANG me more than I believe in myself.”
“Raj tells me things about myself that I want to believe in - things that I’ve never imagined to be true. It is only recently that I can finally feel like I matter in this world and that people really like to be around me. He picked up the broken pieces and put me back together, and I feel whole again. I am very thankful to have him in my life And I am determined to be everything he thinks I am and more. He is my motivation and my inspiration. I would be lucky to spend the rest of my life with him.” – NANCY YANG hard to do. He believes in me more than I believe in myself. RT: I definitely don’t think there’s any sense in being bogged down because life only moves in one direction. NY: And I just strive to be so much better. I’m much happier now than I was before. RT: And I am more disciplined. With a sense of confidence and faith in the way things are going to work out, you can lose track of yourself. Life has always worked out for me and sometimes I fail to put recognition in the effort I placed to get where I needed to go. Now I get things done early and I’m very assignment-focused and goal-driven. Instead of saying things are going to be okay, I’m actually taking steps to make sure both of us are stable. It takes a lot of forward thinking. The longer it takes for you to settle in a place where your heart can relax and say, “This is where I belong and now I can move forward,” – it takes a lot, especially when you have all these pressures. I never thought I would deal with it, but what was always in my head was, “If I don’t get a job, or the longer I take,
the more Nancy’s parents might think I’m not good enough for her.” Even my mom brought it up. Anyway, the thing with Nancy is that I could bust my ass, come home, and see her curled up in a ball on the couch and think that’s adorable. Where do you see yourselves in the future? Do you give any thought to it? RT: We just take it day by day. NY: No, that’s not true. RT: I’m pretty sure we’re very forward thinking. She’s the one I want to be with for the rest of my life. NY: Yeah. RT: She’s my first, but I was choosy. At each point in my life when I thought I could be with someone, they were always taken for one reason or another and then the same thing happened with Nancy. Then I had to say, “This is the one girl who I can’t let go.” So I put myself through what I believe I was fated to go through with whatever girl, considering there’s a 10 out of 10 chance that the girl who likes me is going to be taken, for some odd reason. But I really
couldn’t resist this one. Where most people can say “I’ve been with so many people, so this time I know it’s the real thing,” I am the opposite. I could have been with any number of girls to just pass the time, but this is the real thing and I couldn’t say no. NY: I am very happy now, and I think I will be happy with him for a very long time. I’ve always felt invisible growing up, and many times those troubles in the past haunt me. Whenever that happens though, Raj tells me things about myself that I want to believe in – things that I’ve never imagined to be true. It is only recently that I can finally feel like I matter in this world and that people really like to be around me. He picked up the broken pieces and put me back together, and I feel whole again. I am very thankful to have him in my life and I am determined to be everything he thinks I am and more. I aim to be someone that can match him, and I strive to be better every day. He is my motivation and my inspiration. I would be lucky to spend the rest of my life with him.
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