P.O. Box 22II3
REPOR
NOFTENIN ERROR- NEVERIN DOUBT'
S .F .
cA 94L22
Who cares whether rnedia moguls renew Trtin Peaks the real damage from the Log Lady and friends has already been inflicted on an unsurp""iitrg public. While bi-coastat literati interpret subconcious plot signals, Davey Lynch and -Williarn Mark (six l{i77ion Do77ar l[an) Frost have accomplisnea what evLn Buckley couldnrt do the conquering of Anericars intellectuals with a
message of far-right superiority. you Whooaa - hold the cherry pie, please. mean there I s more to TPt s plot than loose antlers and rnurnbling dwarves? Thatrs right, Iumberheads! Lurking beneath those douglas firs is a reactionary white male fantasy benignly engineered to enlice and subvert liberal intellectuals. How did this rnini-leries find a place on network television? Duped network execs hrere apparently unaware thit the program is the fina| conponent in a masterful rnedii/entertiinment carnpaign orlheJtrated - a shocking by a cabal of disillusioned Arnerican business intereits conspiracy that htas initially rooted in the early 198Ofs when the btoated middle class was brainwashed via superhero serialiZation and prirne tine soap operas. The Rocky-Rambo-Dirty Harry sequelizations propounded tne ornnipotenl caucasian male _hero and preached convention justic6 over innbvat,ion, over beauty. The DaL7as-Dynasty ega of the rnid-eighties adult soap un-derrnined the womenrs movenent, enphasizinE economic power and social-sexuil scheming over self-awareness. This double-shot was airned at corrupting the neo-calitornia plan engineered by a well-heeled politico-feministaggiegate (See ish 55, Lean to the Left: Aerobocops and prime Time Feminizationl. After conquering the middle class, the next stage in this appalling plot was the two-part subversion of American youth by fragmenting-pop rnuJic into fractious extremes and concurrently nesrneri-ing pre-teensw-itn 1icensed right-wing revenge fantasies ala Batman and the llinJa Turtyes. The third phase in this and final conservative baptisrn was to steamroll the intellectual mindset. Enter Tvtin Peaks! eV coating ?pfs reactionary rnorality with a layer of quirky surrealisrn ana visual aberrations, tha conned-sumer ends up swallowing a psychic J. Edgar Hoover and a secret - all of which take pllce Bookhouse Boys police society in a mythical America where even the villains are white (Canadian or Norwegian). so if youfre wondering whatrs under Nadiners eyepatch or why therers a fish in the percolator, then yourre already under this right wing spell sit back, forget about constitutionar rights and enjoy the coffee.
gUICK - BRItfO llE Ml BROI{N PAI|TS! Have $re got punchlines? This ish - A&R'E PUNCHLINES offering we debut a side-splitting feature the joke-enders. world's choicest ilext ish reader Eurvey response. @ 1990 A&R
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beautiful American This ish we castRead My LipS, a political thriller in which a brainy, Libyan attack' from translatorand a Russian,u'ilo, *n, an internationalsummitconference
Character RONALD REAGAN (Unlesshe'snot ready to make movies,otherwise) RBD BUTTONS
PETERFONDA (Unlesshe'snot ready to act Republican, otherwise) RONNIE COX
ROBERT MORSE (Unlesshe's busY with Truman, otherwise) GEORGEGOBEL
JOHN MALKOVITCH (Unlesshe didn't want to add the weight, otherwise) JAMES BELUSHI
BOB GOLDTHWAIT (Unlesshe'snot readyto stretch, otherwise) JACK WARDEN
LUCIANO PAVAROTTI (Unlesshe's too busy for BroadwaY, otherwise) DOM DE LUISE
MICHAEL CAINE (Unlesshe won't do it in drag, otherwise) MAGGIE SMITH
VANESSA REDGRAVE (Unlessshe'stoo political for TV, otherwise) LYNN REDGRAVE
JULIE ANDREWS (Unlessshedemands Blake Edwardsas director, otherwise) TAMMY GRIMES
BEN GAZZARA (Unlesshe won't wear a curly wig, otherwise) RICHARD DREYFUSS
BURT REYNOLDS (Unlesshe won't wear a curly wig, otherwise) BURT CONVY
MANDY PATINKIN (Unlesshe won't wear a curly wig, otherwise) PAUL ANKA
JULIA Brilliant American translator
SIGOURNEY WEAVER (Unlessshe'sbusY with Gorillas in the Mist II, otherwise) KELLY MCGILLIS
MARTHA QUINN (UnlessBrady Bunch won't let her, otherwise) CONNIE SELLECA
SUZANNE VEGA (Unlessshe'stoo shY for Broadway, otherwise) ANNIE GOLDEN
NICHOLAS Crafty Russiansailor
KEVIN COSTNER (Unlessthey're looking for laughs, otherwise) ANDREWDICE CLAY
SAM ELLIOT (Unlessthey're looking for laughs, otherwise) MARTIN SHORT
STING (UnlesstheY're looking for laughs, otherwise) WEIRD AL YANKOVIC
GEORGE 60ishWaspAmerican President
MIKHAIL DynamicRussian Premier
MARGARET ConservativeBritish Prime Minister
KHADAFFI Libyan terrorist leader
- The Bear (from The Bear); Thanksto D. Sophieafor the all-animalversion:George Benji; Mikhail (from Born Free); and Nicholas - Spuds Margaret- Hootch; Khadaffi - Ben or Willard; Julia Elsa MacKenzie.
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Nobody Sits Next to Him f'm a clean person in my Deer A&R: I don't Emell funny mid-thirties. think bad thoughts. But and I rarely for eome reason, nobody ever wants to next to me. When I'm on the bus sit would rather stand or subway, people ?lhen I'm at a than sit next to me. people lunch counter, would crowded wait. I'm trying not to take rather but after a while it gets it personal What's wrong with me? to be suspect. N.Y. at.C. atoyce, Brooklyn, it.C. s There'g nothing wrong Dear you. The failure of others to with join you may be a simple matter. For do you sit next to seats example, smell with stains? Do your clothes like mothballE? Do you read an paper? you find the Until extra-wide quality reason, enjoy the meditative of your privacy.
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SheHatesHer Problems about I hate writing Dear A&R: my own myself and I hate diBcussing problems. I have One reason is that Most people only Eo many problems. seems that but it have one or two, in my life is a every single thing problem my my car, my apartment' job, my health, my family my diet, packet of (which ig a whole separate problems) my boy and of course, gtart write, I to frLend. When I just on and on and I end up going get the feeling people don't want to down, what I'm writing hear about yet, Eo it's all for tnâ‚Źr that I . obsessive uncontroltably me? Ilorotby . What'g wrong with lexaa. Clam Eollow, Dersbowitz, There'g nothing wrong Dear llorotby: you. but Epace with We're Borry problems preclude us from printing your (which we can letter whole entirety aEEure you was read in its your Try dictating by our staff. ) and into a tape player commentaries Best sending thoge to your friends. of luck.
What's Wrong With You? you feel If tike sonething's wrong you, write to the A&R Report, with Sunset Station' P.O. Box 22LL3, s.F., cA 94t22.
DISCLAIMER The advice and representations given herein are warranted to be timely and effective for a (30) days period of thirty The from date of publication. A&R Report disslaims any subsequent or superseding usage. If pain persists, seek professional counseling.
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