DIRTYLAUNDRY
AUNTY KNOWS
by kelly macfarland
“No,
no, Olivia. Don’t touch.” She has successfully pulled every toy out of the giant Pottery Barn basket onto the floor. Being the good Aunty that I am, I brought her a present – a stuffed dog that chirps the alphabet when you tickle his tummy. She pulled the pup out and then proceeded to play with the gift bag for 20 minutes and then crawled away. Now I can’t get her away from the laptop sitting on the couch. It’s open and the screen is displaying Facebook. Olivia is months away from her first birthday and she can’t take her eyes off the screen. She can’t take her tiny fingers off the keys. Her mom and my dear friend for 15+ years, Michelle, admits that she is obsessed with the computer, iPad, iPhone, TV, remote control and the dog’s water dish. “We buy her tons of toys that are supposed to help her motor skills, but if it doesn’t light up, she doesn’t want it.” I guess I can relate to Olivia—I’d rather watch House Hunters while checking out Twitter and playing Candy Crush than ride my bike. The television is on and when a commercial comes on for the latest Leap Frog game, Olivia cranes her head to take a look. It’s an ad for a mini tablet that a baby can play games on to learn to read. I guess I’ll get her that for Christmas because she’s dancing as the commercial plays, and there’s no music. She’s very excited. I’m sure in her tiny world it’s the same excitement an adult gets when thinking about the new iPhone 5c or 5s or whatever it is that now comes in an assortment of 20 DECEMBER2013 21
pastel colors. Several weeks later, my friend Lisa is bringing her 11-year-old daughter Jillian for a weekend visit. It’s something we started when she was 8. Jillian was begging to come for a sleepover in Boston. We decided that 10 would be the magic age that she and her siblings would be allowed to come for an overnight. Within minutes of their arrival, Jillian is in my face showing me her new cell phone. “I can text Kel! I can text you now!” I smiled at her and mirrored her excitement, but honestly I couldn’t imagine what she would need to text me. She’s 11! I pulled her mom aside and asked what the deal was. She said everyone has them. “Remember when we were that age and everyone wanted a Cabbage Patch Doll? Well, now it’s a cell phone. Every kid wants, has or is getting a cell phone.” Times have
t s Be
they will be a slave to in just a few short years? I don’t feel right about it. Last year I bought video games for my nephews. Admittedly, I had no idea what I was looking for. I had to ask the nice, pierced, bored young man behind the counter. He was very helpful and hated me instantly. He wanted to know what kind of system they were on. I left with $100 gift cards for each of them. I remember waiting for the Sears Christmas catalog to arrive in the mail so that I could go through the toy section and dog ear the pages of my favorite picks – Easy Bake Ovens, My Little Ponies, Barbie Dream Houses. Now, Barbie is a high powered executive who lives by her Blackberry and trades stocks online. On the weekends she doesn’t ride horses or take cruises with Ken in her Dream Vette, she’s a gamer. Barbie texts with Ken all day long and when she doesn’t
“Remember when we were that age and everyone wanted a Cabbage Patch Doll? Well, now it’s a cell phone. Every kid wants, has or is getting a cell phone.” changed! At 11, we wanted dolls (ugly dolls if you remember the Cabbage Patch Kid). Now in 2013, 11-year-olds want cell phones. They want to text and email! Don’t they realize there is a really good chance that as an adult they will spend 8+ hours a day, 40+ hours a week in front of a screen? I guess they won’t know the difference, but I wanted to put a doll into Jillian’s arms just to see what would happen. She would probably immediately start looking for the on/off switch. With the holidays approaching, my gift giving mojo is shaken. I’m an Aunty to more than just my brother’s four children. I buy for my friend’s kids. Most of them I’ve known since birth. I pride myself on being the Aunty “in the know” of what’s hip, cool and fabulous. What am I supposed to do now? Propel these kids into a world of technology that
get a response, she Facebook stalks him to find out what he’s been doing and then Tweets about it. As teenagers, my brother and I both wanted double cassette boom boxes and a Nintendo. The months leading up to Christmas, we did dishes, dusted and vacuumed. We raked leaves and stacked wood. I wanted so badly to make mix tapes with my friends. We wanted to play Super Mario Brothers after we finished our homework. Now, video games are at your fingertips. No one makes mixed tapes. My nephews never take off their head phones. They have their music, games and their phone in their hand at all times. They are constantly plugged in. Having a conversation with a teenager is near impossible. Even when I asked them what they wanted for Christmas, they answered without making full eye contact, “Money is good.”
I responded, “Oh, is it? Is money good?” They giggled and then simply said, “Well, yeah.” I can’t argue with them. Money is good. I’m better than that. So are you. We need to try to come up with gifts that don’t require batteries, power cords or require WiFi. If all else fails, Cabbage Patch Kids are having their 30th anniversary and they are a hot item for this holiday season. That’s right! They are back and they are still hip, cool, fabulous and ugly.
As an experienced stand-up comedian, Kelly has developed a winning program for corporate America that transcends humor and motivates a crowd to believe in themselves. The overall message is to write your own story. We live our lives hearing lots of messages about ourselves. Who we are and what we are capable of, etc. You get to be YOU. You define who you want to be. “I use the example that I was told from a very young age that I was not athletic, I was a runt. I found out later in life that I’m an athlete in my own right. I may not ever win a gold medal, but I can get out there and play the game,” says Kelly! Kelly tells funny stories about discovering her inner athlete. These stories have lessons; • Don’t tread water in life, you’ll be exhausted and you won’t move forward or backward. • Encourage people and they will encourage you. Your biggest champion might be right next to you. • Remember everything has a beginning, middle and end. You have to start at the beginning — even if it’s humiliating. Kelly leaves audiences pleasantly surprised by her candor. She captivates the crowd with her charm, and her refreshing yet playful point of view makes her irresistible. Her alluring smile and intense energy keep the audience wanting more. To book comedian Kelly MacFarland, contact Dawn Christensen at Loretta LaRoche Productions: Dawn@ lorettalarocheproductions.com or 508-746-3998, x 15.