BACKTOSCHOOL
Fair Fight or Blatant Bullying? New Research Looks at Sibling Squabbles by maryjo kurtz
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pats between brothers and sisters are part of growing up. Disagreements help children to foster negotiation skills and master the apology. At times, teasing and taunting seem silly, at times a bit harsh. And, according to a new study, at times things can go way too far.
“I have found that the sibling relationship is both unique and emotionally intense,” says Corinna Tucker, a professor at the University of New Hampshire Family Studies and Sociology Department. She has studied siblings relationships and aggression for a number of years and her research suggests that parents should put a stop to sibling fighting before it goes too far. The study on sibling aggression was published in the June 17 issue of the American Academy of Pediatrics journal Pediatrics. Findings indicate that even minor sibling aggression has the potential to create depression and anxiety in children. The research included phone calls to nearly 3,600 children up to age 17 and examined three types of sibling aggression: psychological (name calling), property damage and mild or severe physical assault. “We found that when compared to children who did not experience any aggressors, children with one type of aggressor reported greater mental distress,” Tucker says. “Even with just one aggressor – that was a surprise.” Eight percent of the children reported more than one type of sibling aggression. Nearly one third of those interviewed said a sibling had assaulted or taunted them within the past year. Children in all age categories reported mental health distress from sibling agression. 40 AUGUST2013
Those under the age of 9 reported the strongest mental distress. Tucker acknowledged that many adults find sibling fighting to be a rite of passage. “There is a historical acceptance of sibling rivalry,” she says. “Sometimes it is looked at as something good, as a time to learn about conflicts.” But she questions whether the tolerance is appropriate. “There is a lot of increased attention on peer aggression,” she says. “What is generally tolerated in sibling relationships is not tolerated in peer relationships.” Tucker says parents might consider whether aggression between children would be tolerated if instigated by classmates or neighbors. “For many children, the fight with a sibling is often the first fight experience,” she says, adding that it gives parents an opening for behavior modification. “Parents have an opportunity to teach relationship skills, constructive and destructive ways of fighting. They can teach appropriate negotiating skills, perspective taking, how to find mutually agreeable solutions. Parents can be a role model for behavior and offer positive reinforcement.” In short, Tucker says, “Sibling bullying is not something to be dismissed.” But how do you define bullying? And as a parent, how can you tell when it’s gone too far?
“Bullying has such a negative connotation, and it scares parents because now there are legal and other types of ramifications for the behavior,” says Dr. Kim Storey, an educator and child development specialist who works with eyesonbullying.org, a multimedia project that is part of the Education Development Center of Waltham. “When bullying is identified, the result is punishment oriented and these moments should be teaching moments on how children deal with conflict.” Dr. Storey says each person has a role when an incident of bullying happens, no matter if it takes place in school, at a playground or in the home. “Bullying is defined an intentionally trying to harm and it is repetitive,” she says. Each person can help stop bullying. The bystander, by not saying anything or joining in, makes bullying acceptable, and the victim of bullying can take control and stand up to the bully. “Kids will most likely be involved in a bullying situation at some point, so it’s important to help children learn the scripts that can help them when it happens,” Dr. Storey says. “When it happens in a family, it’s important to have a family meeting and say that you don’t allow it, and then help the child who’s being bullied learn to stand up for themselves.” When we asked our Facebook readers what they thought about sibling bullying and if it is a problem, we received a wide range of answers. “My girls are 15 months apart and the older one (age 6) can absolutely turn into a bully to her sister (age 5), but then the behavior gets worse and feelings are hurt because she feels she’s the only child told ‘no’ all the time,” says Fagan Forhan. “I’d love some perspective from other parents.” Katie Gauthier, a mom of three girls from Springfield, says she nips it in the
bud when it comes up. “When they are mean to each other I tell them that it is not nice to do those things. I explain why it is not nice and a better way to approach it. Name calling, hitting, shoving, etc. all lead to time out, then apology, and they have to say 3 nice things about the other one,” she says. “Well, it works with the older two, not the 2-year-old so much yet.” Other moms don’t believe that bullying happens between siblings. “I don’t think siblings bully one another,” says Leah Klein. “Button pushing, yes. Bullying? No. I think bullying is rooted in hate or fear and when you’re family, there is always underlying love. Maybe I’m naïve, but my 6 and 8 year old fight and make me crazy with bickering, but never could or would bully one another.” Tara Keyes Goodrich agrees. “I am an only child so I have no reference point, but I am horrified by these stories. I have two daughters, 12 and 5. They bicker (who sits where, who gets the last ice cream), but bully one another? I would never allow it,” she says. Other parents say that they are dealing with bullying, but don’t know how to handle it. “My 4-year-old can reduce my 7-year-old to tears,” says Jessica, who asked that her last name not be used. “They are very different children, and the only thing I feel I can do is try to toughen up my 7-year-old while correcting my 4-year-old for being unkind. It is not bullying in the sense of a school bully, but I feel that the way they are at home translates to the way they are in school. One will likely be bullied, while the other will be the bully.”