The Spectator

RE-ISSUE OF THE 1717 EDITION

M O D E R N M A N N E R S 2 0 1 4

7TH APRIL 2014 // £3.75

WWW. SPECTATOR.CO.UK | EST. 1711

7TH APRIL 2014 | SPECIAL EDITION

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introduction

NORMALLY, YOU WOULD PROBABLY SKIP THIS INTRODUCTION PART. BUT AS WE ARE TALKING ABOUT MANNERS IT WOULD BE POLITE TO READ THIS BIT...

‘The Spectator’ in 1711 was a publication

by Joseph Addison and Richard Steele that gave advice to its readers on how to conform to the etiquette required of them in society. It provided readers with topics for discussion, as well as equipping them with the knowledge on how to hold conversations and engage in social interactions in a polite manner.

This special edition is a re-issue of ‘The Spectator’, which provides an up to date view on modern manners that should be upheld in the British 21st century.

How to behave, like how to punctuate, is an aspect of life that many are no longer taught, and getting it wrong can be humiliating and put you in an uncomfortable situation.

Manners may be seen as old fashioned, and they may be a bit tedious at times, but we all need to remember that manners are what bring us together in small but effective ways.

The ideals of manners have changed and evolved over the years, the way we act in society is very different to how it was a few hundred years ago. There are rules today for manners on Twitter and Facebook which didn’t exist a decade ago

because neither did Twitter or Facebook.

Our behaviour needs to be examined continuously as we decide which are worth keeping and which need to be updated. This doesn’t mean that some rules, which have been around for a long time, aren’t still worth sticking too.

The intention of this edition is to offer you some guidance on some of the social pitfalls of everyday life, bringing to light some basic manners for the modern world.

From the use of your mobile phone, to being on an airplane, dealing with cold callers, or trolls on twitter; it won’t hurt to brush up on our manners a little.

Its important to understand that the rules about manners are not laws. They are not really even rules. They are suggestions.

You don’t have to keep to them but you may get along better in life if you do.

After reading this, you may learn new things, be reminded of some things you already knew but hadn’t thought about in a while, or even give you some topical talking points to discuss amongst friends.

But just remember, good manners can make yours, and other people’s busy and stressful day a little bit more enjoyable.

Best wishes,

So why do we need good manners?

The first thing to say is that basic manners apply no matter where you are or what you are doing. They are even a good idea when no one is watching. Having a code of behaviour will help you know how to react to the unexpected. And I just want to assure you that manners are not some new notion invented by the present generation of us old fogies to annoy youngsters.

So if we aren’t all going to live on a secluded island we all need to find ways to get on. We can’t all just do what we want, imagine the chaos on the roads.

Manners these days are simply and expression of how we manage the tricky art of co-existing. A good starting point for this is to show kindness and consideration to others.

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CONTRIBuTORS SANDI TOKSVIG is a well-known broadcaster for both television and radio, hosts The News Quiz on BBC Radio 4 and is a regular panellist on BBC television’s general knowledge quiz, QI. Her guidance on the pitfalls of life, and social commentary on modern manners has been used throughout.

7TH APRIL 2014 | SPECIAL EDITION

JO BRYANT is a London-based etiquette advisor on all matters of manners and behavior. She regularly comments on manners and etiquette and has written numerous articles on modern manners, one that features on p.32.

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RICHIE FRIEMAN is our modern manners guy; he provides short friendly tips to help you live a more polite life. Covering etiquette guidelines for everything you need to know. His advice features on p.34 – 37.

contents

AT HOME

p.6

OuT AND ABOuT

p.10

THE WORKPLACE

p.16

COMMuNICATION

p.22

WHERE GOOD MANNERS ARE BAD

p.30

FEATuRED ARTICLE

p.32

DEAR SPECTATOR

p.34

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For many of us the word ‘home’ represents the place where we grew up, it’s a small word for something that means so much. It ideally is the place where everyone should feel at his or her most relaxed. This might lead you to think that it is the one location where you don’t need to worry about manners.

In face the opposite is true. The people with whom you share your living space are those whom you live most intimately, whether it’s your family or you flat – or housemates. You need to respect each other and be thoughtful, or pretty soon everyone will be wishing they were living alone.

“No matter how tempted you are to take a peek you need to hold back.”

Ideally you would start with have respect for each other. It’s the old ‘do as you would be done by’ leitmotif of manners. Parents often go on about wishing their children had more respect, but it may be that they haven’t considered what a two-way street that is. Respect is something you earn.

Losing your temper and shouting at those you live with is rarely a good way forward. Very little is ever achieved. Be thoughtful and attentive to everyone in the home and you will find that they will be thoughtful and attentive back. This means parents listening to the kids as well as vice versa.

You should also respect people’s private space, no matter how tempted you are to take a peek you need to hold back, or you will soon find your own possessions being rummaged through by other people. Private space includes letters. The post is addressed to an individual for a reason – it’s personal.

Postcards however, are fair game or they would be in an envelope.

The closed door is something else to consider. If someone has closed a door in the house and is on the other side they probably did it on purpose.

So knock and wait till you are asked to come in.

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at home

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at home

There comes a time in life when we no longer live with or parents or haven’t reached the stage of living with a partner, so we choose to live with friends.

The basics are very different to living with your family and you need to find a way to make that work.

Firstly, as some may feel is one of the most important is to eat your own food.

It’s actually called stealing if you take or use someone’s things without asking.

The lazy person who hasn’t bothered to stock up on food deserved to be hungry.

You don’t have to label every item of food, just agree on a shelf each and leave it at that. If you share some foodstuffs such as milk and you have used the last of it, get some more.

TRY TO SHARE THEY HOUSEWORK. NO ONE WANTS TO DO IT AND THE CLEANING FAIRY RARELY SHOWS UP.

You should clean up after yourself.

Don’t let your plate of food go mouldy just because you can’t be bothered to clean up. Unless your mother has tracked you down and moved in you need to do your own washing up. Do not expect that someone in your house will do it for you.

Don’t leave your unwashed things in the kitchen sink so no one else can clean his or her own. Try to share they housework.

No one wants to do it and the cleaning fairy rarely shows up.

Consider your noise levels. Whatever you get up to in your own room it is important

to recall that you are not living by yourself.

Let’s just leave it at that. Remember that if you hold a party don’t fail to include or inform housemates or neighbours.

If you’re going to make noise it’s better to have them on your side.

Finally put some pants on. No one will appreciate your nudity in the house unless you look like Ryan Gosling or Kate Moss, which is really unlikely.

At some point your child will return home to stay for a while, there are a few things to bare-in-mind. Be enthusiastic about tattoos – it makes them seem less attractive to the young if old people think they are great. Don’t worry about your child’s new partner, they are unlikely to stay the course but be polite to them in case they do.

Finally smile when you are patronised.

You have to understand that the graduating student now knows everything there is to know and feels sorry for you. Be relieved that you no longer need to be clever.

Home ought to be the place we all like best whoever we chose to share it with.

It should be the place we recognise as being out little corner of the world.

Hopefully we learn good behaviour in the comfort of out own home and take it with us out into the wider world. There is an old expression that a person may be ‘an angel in the street but a devil in the house’. That is not kind to anyone. Lets enjoy the time we spend at home with out loved ones.

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It is important to have manners not just at home or behind an electronic device, you need to be ready for the wider world and that includes complete strangers. Some of the fundamentals may seem a little obvious but you would be surprised how often you see people blithely ignore them.

Leave your tackle alone when you are in public. It’s partly a hygiene thing – no one wants to know where those hands have been and its party a sense of respect for others. Focus on the beauty around you, with your present company, rather than fussing about your genitalia, which will still be there when you get home.

“The fact is being polite never hurt anyone.”

You will also need your hands to open doors for others. Traditionally it used to be men that opened doors for woman. These days, opening the door for someone else is non-gender specific. The fact is being polite never hurt anyone. If you are going through a public door, check to see if there is anyone behind you who you might help. An older person or someone with a buggy may be glad of the help.

Don’t spit in public. Ancient Roman women used to spit down the front of their dresses to ward off the evil eye. This is no longer necessary. And really anything to do with mucus, don’t pick your nose, or blow it on your sleeve.

Another one is to focus. If you do meet someone unexpectedly, take a moment to pay attention to them. Do not text, consult your watch or in any way indicated you wish you were somewhere else. If you are really in a hurry, say so and arrange another time to meet up. If you do meet someone, don’t stand and chat in the middle of the pavement. It’s exceptionally rare to have a street to yourself. The trouble with public places is that they are full of the public, if you want to chat rather then process, move to one side.

Others may have places to het to and you are o the way. The worst-case scenario is that they will step into the road to get round you and be hit by moving traffic.

Other manners that should be upheld on the street is not to walk in a great gang. People walking in groups tend to walk more slowly, so you will both block the pavement and be annoying.

You need to use your eyes; it’s usually not that difficult to see another person. Some of them are quite big. It helps not to text while you walk.

If you do bump into someone say ‘sorry’.

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out and about

Trains are one of the places most complained about in terms of bad manners. In fact in 2012 the 25 per cent increase in complaints about rudeness on the French national railway led to the train company to employ 2700 inspectors with the power to fine people for a all manner of misdemeanours from smoking to putting their feet on the seat. Buses too have their fair share of passengers with irritating traits.

If the train or bus is delayed, try to stay positive, nothing makes a long journey more awkward than someone losing control and screaming blue murder. No one will ever join in. It’s not Braveheart.

You should watch your space. If you’re in a double seat be aware of your fellow passenger’s body. The armrest is in place to constrain you, not to indicate where you should be spilling over. Try to ascertain where the lines are. The middle of the table on a train, for example, marks the furthest that your feet should reach.

If there are lots of empty seats on the carriage, sit in one that’s not beside another passenger. It’s always a bit off when someone sits right beside you on a bus that’s empty apart from you. It’s weird and uncomfortable.

If the train or bus is crowded and you see someone standing who is older than you, more infirm or more pregnant, let them sit down. Someday you may be old, infirm… the pregnant thing rather depends on your gender.

Mind your meals, no one wants be opposite someone eating cheeseburgers and a bucket of chicken. Be considerate about mess and smells. Some food smells more than others.

You’re in a closed compartment. Consider other people’s noses.

An obvious one, don’t put your feet on the seat. Why not? Because, someone will have to sit there and get the muck from your shoes on their clothes.

You should know your stop, have a rough idea when you are due in at your station or stop so that you have time to gather your things together calmly. If you rush you are bound to trip over someone and hit them with your bag.

There are a few things surrounding the idea of being quiet. The first is to type quietly.

People obviously need to work on the train, but typing doesn’t need to be so loud.

There is no need to bash on the keyboard as if it were some wild beast, which will only do their bidding if it is subdued first. It’s not going anywhere. It will work just as well if you are gentle… and quiet.

YOU WILL BE AMAZED AT WHAT YOU CAN ACCOMPLISH WITH A SILENT TEXT MESSAGE INSTEAD. Turn the phone off. No phone works well on any train anywhere. You will end up shouting. Please don’t. You will be amazed at what you can accomplish with a silent text message instead. If someone else is shouting, there is probably nothing you can do about it. Trains and buses are not good places to start a row. The best thing is to move seats.

Mind electronic noise, it should be used as not to annoy fellow passengers. Unless you are royalty you are unlikely to have the carriage to yourself.

If you have kids and they have anything portable which makes a noise, make sure that it can wither be muted or that they have headphones. They may be enjoying something tuneful from Disney or be thrilled with the variety of beeping sounds their electronic game can make but the other passengers may want to kill them.

On a train, the quiet coach is serious business. Depending on the other passengers, ‘quiet’ can mean ‘don’t breathe’. Even the act of eating a packet of crisps can result in the police being called.

Only sit in the quiet coach if you are sure that you can sit quietly without moving for the duration of your journey.

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out and about

Driving is awash with rules that have the might of the law behind them. However this still doesn’t mean that all drivers comply with them. Even the calmest person can suffer from ‘road rage; if they perceive that another driver has not behaved well. Road rage can be a problem as the person in a rage is also in charge of half a ton of metal travelling at speed. The best thing is to avoid this kind of explosive fury. Follow the rules of the road. They are for everyone. When you are driving there is nothing special about you.

You should also try to have some idea where you are going. Nothing is more infuriating than the person who hesitates or is in the wrong lane. If you are not sure, find a safe place to pull over and ask or look at a map.

But also be patient with the person who has no idea where they are going. It could be you next time. Over-zealous horn beeping is only acceptable in Road Runner cartoons and indeed is not outlawed in some cities.

The indicator however seems to be one part of the car which is now treated as an optional extra. Indicating at roundabouts or indicating at all seems to have gone out of fashion. If you are steering half a ton of metal, it is kind to other drivers, bicyclists and even pedestrians to let the world know where you are thinking of heading.

In cramped conditions, 35,000 feet above sea level, good manners are paramount.

Do not intrude on your fellow passengers’ territory: keep elbows firmly tucked in; ease your chair gently into a reclining position, which will avoid a sudden invasion of the limited legroom of the passenger behind.

If you have children, ensure that they do not kick, or interfere with the seat in front.

Drink in moderation; boisterous behaviour will irritate your fellow passengers. Friendly conversation with your neighbours can be enjoyable but choose your topics. Help the elderly to show or remove luggage in the overhead lockers.

Behave courteously towards the flight crew and thank them for their service. Never use the words ‘trolley-dolly’ or try to chat them up. They’ve heard it all before.

Do not barge your way to the exit as the plane doors open – even the sharpest elbows will not ensure that you reach the terminal any faster.

Say thank you. If other drivers let you into their lane or the stream of traffic say thank you with a wave, a thumbs up or some other gesture of cheer.

Don’t use your phone. It’s against the law and it’s dangerous. Don’t text or chat or set your satnav while you are supposed to be concentrating on driving. There are plenty of examples of people texting ‘see you later’ while driving off a bridge.

Park prettily. Abandoning your car across several spaces so no one else can park would not comply.

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out and about

The first rule of the theatre is don’t be late.

Theatre shows are always very clear about what time the performance is going to start.

The management rather helpfully print it on the ticket. This is so that everyone can sit down together and not disturb each other by wandering in late and blocking the view.

The performers will have rehearsed the show right from the beginning bit just the bit that starts ten minuets in. It would be nice to see it.

You should be quiet. You are not on show, the actors are. If you hate the show it is quite possible you may be alone in your opinion. Everyone in the audience is having their own reaction to the performance. If you really don’t like what you are watching, keep that to yourself. Do not sigh, fidget, groan. The actors are no doubt doing their best. They have probably worked hard.

The fact that it’s not working for you doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give them a chance to do their best. Perhaps you need to pay a bit more attention. If you really can’t beat the performance, wait patiently and then leave quietly at the interval, or use it as an excellent time to solve a knotty problem or compose as shopping list.

As well as being quiet you should turn off your mobile phone. Do not text, tweet, let it vibrate, anything at all. Turn it off. The light from the phone is very annoying in a dark theatre. If someone else’s phone is going off, make sure you stare at them.

Today about 75 per cent of our food is bought from supermarkets so they are busy places; there are a few manners to consider.

In museums and art galleries all the usual rules apply. As well as: don’t eat or drink you could damage something.

Do have trolley manners. However complex your yoghurt selection may be, and however much time you need to make it, there is no need to get n the way of the more decisive shopper. Don’t abandon your trolley in the middle of an aisle to annoy everyone.

Don’t wear a rucksack - you could damage something. Don’t touch any exhibits unless it is clearly a ‘hands-on’ exhibition. If you are not sure then it isn’t.

And trolley rage, it does happen. People can become enraged whilst wheeling a trolley. If someone had a problem with you, do not shout. Call for a member of staff.

Don’t block the aisle with your social scene.

It’s the same as pavements – don’t get in everyone’s way just because you’ve bumped into someone. If you are shopping with your family don’t stand discussing prospective meals so that no one else can get to the food. If someone else is in your way don’t make a scene. It’s just shopping, not a Mexican standoff.

Try not to stand or walk in the way of others, it’s nice if everyone can enjoy the exhibition.

You should also try to restrain your own loud critique of the work. You are not on show.

Maybe save your brilliant opinions for a quiet moment with a friend who cares what you think.

You don’t need to squeeze everything; no one wants your hands all over the fresh fruit or bread.

Finally read the signs, you will upset people if you enter the ‘five items or less’ or ‘basket only’ queue and aren’t eligible. In fact the degree of upset may be faintly astonishing.

If you see someone with six items in the five items only aisle again, it’s not worth duelling over.

Finally, don’t eat anything. Whatever show it is, you will get through without starving.

The cinema however is just like the theatre but you can eat. The actors can’t hear you but the rest of the audience still can.

Restrain yourself.

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Whatever work you aim for, in order to get it you may have to face a job interview. It is not possible to overestimate how important good manners are when you are looking for work. The competition for most jobs now is very fierce indeed. The employer has the upper hand as they scan the CVs of applicants who are often overqualified for even the most menial of tasks.

The chances are they will select the person who seems the most amenable.

So bearing in mind the stiff opposition you need to have a good CV. Make sure your CV is neatly laid out and printed nicely. Check your spelling and your grammar. That bit of paper could change your life.

Make sure you are on time. No one is going to employ you if you can’t even get to an interview on time. Bad traffic or transport problems are not a good enough excuse. Allow extra times for things to go wrong. If you are early then you will have plenty of time to get yourself into a calm frame of mind for the interview.

You should always pay attention. The rules are the same as those for any kind of important encounter – turn your phone off, sit up, smile, listen and respond. If you find that hard, think about how many other people are going to be sitting in the same place trying to get the job instead of you.

Be friendly but not familiar. The person interviewing you may end up as your boss. They are not best friend material. Be pleasant but respectful. Finally be positive. Let the interviewer know your good qualities. Don’t be shy about why you would be the best person for the job.

the workplace

About 38 million people work in the UK, it would be great if they behaved themselves.

There are many places of work – offices, restaurants, garages, factories, etc. and the same general thoughts about behaviour apply in most instances.

Firstly you should dress appropriately. It’s good to be yourself, but sometimes making a big statement can get in the way. If for instance you grow a beard and you are a journalist, if people are looking at your beard then they are not listening to what you are saying.

Respecting other people’s time is also important. It’s the same as when you go for an interview. Every time you are late you are wasting someone else’s life. Turn up on time for work so that everyone can get on.

If you make an appointment, arrive on time or even a bit early. If you’re going to be late, always call and let them know.

Try not to miss deadlines. If you keep missing them, then sit down with your boss and work out what the problem is. Who was it who said one should under-promise and over-deliver; probably someone who got promoted.

Don’t be grumpy. If you arrive at work every day saying you wish you weren’t there then it won’t take long for everyone to wish it too. Park your attitude outside the door. If someone else is grumpy, try for a brief moment to imagine that they have a life outside the thrill of corporate life, about which you probably know nothing.

Don’t abuse your position. If you are someone’s boss that doesn’t mean you can treat them badly. They are not your serf and you are not lord of your domain. You will get more out of someone if you treat them with respect. No one has to collect your drycleaning except you.

Allegedly the average worker spends eighty-one days a year answering emails.

That could be true but then apparently the average person spends three years of their life washing their underwear.

The general rules about communication apply with a few add-ons. One of these being, don’t ignore tricky emails. It’s best to reply quickly to emails and messages even if they are on the tricky side. Maybe draft a reply first. Be honest and polite.

When doing this you should mind your temper. Don’t email when you are cross.

Don’t do anything except punch a pillow.

If you don’t have a pillow in the office, get up from your desk and have a brief walk to calm yourself down.

When writing the email, don’t presume the person you are writing to is a man.

The days should be behind us of writing ‘Dear Sir’ as a general greeting to a business contact you have never met.

Consider the recipient and decide whether it would be better to talk to someone in person, whether an email is less interrupting.

If you need to consider an email before replying, then write a quick reply saying when you will get back with a more considered response.

When emailing the wrong person, it’s a bad idea in the first place but apologise immediately and try to repair the inevitable damage.

Be proper and sign off nicely. A single ‘cheers’ at the end of an email can undo the simple act of a carefully considered communication.

Finally be pleasant. Please, thank you, etc., for everyone from the lowliest employee to the boss. You could end up in either position why not congratulate those who’ve done well? Make sure those who deserve credit get it. What’s the harm? And if you are making yourself a hit drink it wont hurt you to put the kettle on for others. Hopefully they will return the favour.

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the workplace

About 38 million people work in the UK. About 1 in 4 of the UK workforce now work in an office. It you work 40 hours a week for 48 weeks of the year then you will spend 1,920 hours at the office. That is a lot of time to spend with other people so just get on with your job.

Spending the first half of an hour telling everyone about your night before is going to be tiresome. Wait till lunch before boring everyone with your private life so that they can get on with what they’re paid to do.

If you want to do well at your job then it’s a good idea to do some actual work.

Spending time on social networking sites is not going to be helpful and someone is bound to find out.

Try not to be annoying. If you have any bad habits such as drumming on the desk with your pen, try not to. Repetitive noises made by children are very irritating. Made by adults they are inexplicable. Don’t tap, whistle, hum or anything else that will get on your colleague’s nerves. It can help br§eak down barriers if you give your colleagues permission to tell you to shut up.

Also on the annoying front consider how many times you can ask your colleagues to ‘sponsor’ your charity walk/bike ride, etc.

You may think that your walking the Great Wall of China will save the whale. Others may is it as a holiday paid for by sponsors.

Share stuff, for example, if you have a communal printer remember that everyone has to use it. Don’t hog the whole printing queue and if the printer runs out of supplies, sort it. Never take more than three biscuits in the office it’s just greedy.

Respect your colleagues’ privacy.

Sometimes people work in very crowed conditions – desks are very close together or booths back onto each other. It’s hard for anyone to be private but give it a go – don’t read other people’s emails, don’t check their post, don’t listen to their phone calls, don’t borrow things from their desk without asking, don’t eat their lunch.

Keep your desk tidy and stick to your own area. If you cant then you will have to start your own business. It also helps if you keep it down. At the office, however important a phone call is to you, not everyone needs to hear about it.

Have some volume control. Don’t shout either; don’t yell a question across the office.

If you need to speak to someone get up and go and talk to them, you don’t need to involve everyone.

Don’t talk behind someone’s back in the office. They will find out and you will be sorry. If others are gossiping, do your best to walk away and not get involved. Try to mind the tricky stuff. If you do have to have a tricky conversation with someone then have it in private. Ideally warn the person in advance.

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the workplace

pictures of others while you or they are drunk. Stay right away from the photocopier.

Everyone who has ever worked in an office has a story about an office party gone wrong. The mistake many people make is thinking that this is a good time to relax.

Here is the headline news on this: you are still at a work event. If you don’t want to destroy all the good work you have done throughout the year there are a few pointers.

Firstly, make an effort. This is a chance to look a little sharper than usual. Everyone may see you in a different and possibly better light. You should also turn your phone off. It’s a party.

The big one – don’t get drunk. If you want to make a good impression then getting legless is almost certainly not going to help.

If you do plan to consume alcohol then eat a little something before you go, to line your stomach.

So you should beware social media. Think twice before appearing in a picture at the office party where someone is going to post on the Internet. Don’t post inappropriate

Use the opportunity to talk to people you don’t know. They may be useful to you during a working day or even turn out to be good fun. There may be some shy coworkers who will be grateful if you chat with the. Make connections but remember, it’s still a party.

Don’t talk shop or insurance or whatever it is you do during ‘office hours’. So keep it light, it’s a social occasion, be social, but don’t be a creep but only talking to those in charge.

If there is food, don’t be greedy and do not double dip. If a sauce is provided for crudités or shrimp or something similar only dip a fresh piece of food into it. Do not take a bit and then dip again. It’s that old saliva worry rearing its head once more.

Finally say thank you. Nothing has changed since the time you went to your first kids’ birthday party. Someone invited you, someone organised it, and someone needs to be thanked.

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Let’s take a quick look at how we communicate with others. How you communicated says something about what kind of person you are. There was a time when good communication involved the correct employment of consonants when speaking and a good quality pen with some nice stationary when writing.

Today things are a little more complicated, so let’s start with the basics before we take a deep breath and look at what modern technology has done to the world.

Conversation ideally it is two or more people verbalising and sharing thoughts. You need to listen as much as you speak. This means you should consider with whom you are having a conversation. Decide, in fact, if they are the sort of person who would like you using a word such as ‘whom’.

‘Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners.’

Apostle Paul

If you are meeting for the first time, try and find some mutual area of interest. It may seem obvious but experience suggests it’s best to avoid religion, politics, money, sex, and how successful your own children are.

You have no idea which buttons you might accidently press and cause an upset. You should think before you speak, try to remember if there is some information you have about the person that might suggest conversational ‘no-go’ areas. Waiting your turn is another factor to thinking about.

Conversation is like a game of Twister without all the annoying physicality.

You need to wait to make your move. Not everyone is the most thrilling speaker; nevertheless everyone is entitled to try to make their point. If you let someone ramble on a bit then hopefully they will extend you the same courtesy.

Don’t correct the other person. No one likes a pedant. If they say ‘less’ instead of ‘fewer’ let it go. It’s what they are saying that matters, not how the say it. Never correct anyone in public even if they deserve it. This is the same as not trying to outdo your conversation companion. If someone is telling you about an exciting adventure they have had, don’t try top it with a better one of your own.

It sounds simple but talk to the person you’re talking to. Don’t look over someone’s shoulder to see if there is anyone more interesting to talk to.

There probably is but don’t do it anyway. You would hate it if someone did that to you. Look the person you are chatting to in the eye. Give them your attention. Who knows, someday, you might need theirs. Coming into today’s modern times, don’t look at your phone. Focus, people, focus.

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communication

Writing was invented a few thousand years ago when business became too complicated for one person to remember. One can only imagine that the first missives were less than enthralling. The basic rule to recall is that you should reply in the same manner in which you were addressed. This is where modern manners of communication really come into play, with the introduction of email, phone and social media. There are a lot of manners that need to be redefined for the modern age.

Don’t email because you don’t want to say something in person. Bad news ought to be delivered in person. If you are breaking up with someone or firing them, you owe them enough respect not to do it by email it’s not fun but it’s the right thing to do.

Make sure you have something to say. The clue is whether your words would be worth committing to paper. It is important and if it is, might it be better said in person or on the phone?

Help the recipient by filling in the ‘subject’ field. It’ll help them to know if the message is urgent or not and whether to delete it

immediately or later. It also makes old emails easier to find. Then keep to the point.

Wading through long emails is dull and life is short.

Write properly. Imagine you are writing a letter. Be polite, use whole sentences with punctuation, us upper- and lower-case letters but don’t overus capital letters. IT LOOKS AS THOUGH YOU ARE SHOUTING. The same goes for too many exclamation marks.

Make sure people included in group emails want to be in a group. You may be revealing someone’s email address that wished to stay anonymous. If you are trying to organise a group event, remember how annoying it can be for others to suddenly be on the receiving end of a lot of emails from people they don’t know relating their diary availability.

Beware sarcasm, it never reads well in an email. Jokes can be awkward. If someone keeps sending you ‘hilarious’ jokes and you don’t want them, you can gently suggest to the sender that perhaps they are not for you. Reading nuance and emotion in an email is not easy, but remember that emoticons can be trying.

Don’t pass on chain letters or virus warnings; they may even contain a virus itself. So be careful what you forward.

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communication

Don’t be cross if someone doesn’t answer.

It is almost too easy to get hold of people today. If they don’t answer then allow for the fact that they may be busy.

You need to say who you are. ‘Hi, it’s me’ is a hopeless way of starting a conversation.

Don’t presume the other person you are calling knows who it is. Not everyone sounds like themselves on the phone and, horror of horror, you may not sound that distinctive.

Don’t hang up abruptly, it’s a conversation, make sure the other person has finished saying what they needed to.

ANSWERING Be clear and polite. Remember – you don’t have to answer the phone so don’t do it if you haven’t got time to be polite.

Take a message. If the calls not for you, ask if the caller wants to leave a message.

Make sure you write down any necessary details such as name and number to pass on to the person who missed the call.

Be nice to strangers. Even people who coldcall for a living are humans trying to earn a buck. Even those who are trying to obtain your bank details in order to rob you can be refused politely.

THE MOBILE PHONE Mobile devices have become an integral part of much of modern life. The important thing to remember is that a mobile phone is not an extension of your arm. You can put them down occasionally. You will feel naked but it’s good for you. There are also a few basics to bear in mind. Firstly, consider your ringtone. These days you can programme your phone to have any ringtone you can.

You can even record yourself and make your own text alerts. Your ringtone says a lot about who you are. If you want ‘Bring your Daughter to the Slaughter’ blasting out in the middle of a meeting, then good for

you. If, of course, you haven’t wondered if this is appropriate then you may have a lot of time to do so when you’re fired.

Don’t shout. It’s a phone. It has a tremendously sensitive transmitter designed to carry the sound of your voice without you needing to shout. Consider your volume levels. There is little more awkward than a bus full of passengers listening to one woman’s fight for sexual liberation.

Always remember than you have the option of carrying on the conversation at home.

In private. And if someone asks you to be quieter in a public space, know that you were too loud. Respect the courage it took to ask you in the first place.

Turn your phone off when meeting someone.

If you are meeting someone in person give them your full attention. Turn your phone off.

Put it away. It’s OK. It’ll still be there in half an hour. Saying that, turn your phone off during dinner, in the theatre/cinema or any other public space. No one wants to reach the emotional climax of a film only to have the ‘goose bumps’ moments ruined by the buzzing of a phone. You also don’t need to check who has ‘liked’ you on Facebook.

Most films are only ninety minutes. A play often has an interval. You can last until then.

Don’t use your phone in a queue. Multitaking is a wonderful talent, but manners are just as important. If you’re in a shop ordering a coffee for example, it’s always nice if you pay attention to the person serving you. If you’re jabbering away on the phone whilst someone is trying to do their job, don’t be surprised if the quality of service you receive is poor.

Never use your phone in the ‘quiet’ carriage on a train. The clue is in the word ‘quiet’.

And don’t ever answer or make a call from the bathroom. It’s just wrong.

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TEXTING These days the telephone is not just the modern equivalent of two tin cans and piece of string for joining distant voices.

It can be used as a multi-functional port of call for many kinds of interaction.

These days we are bombarded with communication and a lot of it is unnecessary.

The rule about texting – why am I texting? – is just one to consider.

Check the time because you are in a bar and awake doesn’t mean everyone else is.

Don’t assume that you can text at any time.

Dnt txt spk. What makes you so busy?

Write in full sentences. There is always time for vowels but at the same time don’t text whole novels. A rough guide is that anything over 140 characters deserves to go in an email, or even better, a phone call.

Don’t text pictures of yourself in any compromising situations. It’ll come back to haunt you. Just like when you send messages when you are emotional or drunk or both.

You will live in the land of regret.

This goes the same for sending lifechanging messages. Texting is not for breaking up with someone or telling them out of the blue that someone they know has passed away.

While you’re not upsetting someone take the time to make sure you send your text message to the right person.

Many a friendship and relationship has fallen foul of such an easy technological faux pas. If someone text you by mistake – text back to let them know. It may be life changing for someone.

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communication

TWITTER This is an informational network, anyone can write a very small blog at any time.

You have 140 characters in each message with which to express yourself and it can take less than that to ruin your life. When former New York Representative, Anthony Weiner, sent a twenty-four-character tweet linked to a picture of a bulge in a pair of men’s underpants, it ended his career.

This is not just the modern system for sending the equivalent of a telegram; it is also a giant game of Chinese Whispers, Scrabble and Risk all wrapped into one.

TWITTER LANGuAGE: TWEET Twitter is like standing at a bus stop and shouting what you think except everyone can hear you and you can never take it back. Even if you delete a tweet it’s still out there in cyberspace.

IT’S LIKE STANDING AT THE BUS STOP AND SHOUTING WHAT YOU THINK EXCEPT EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU. Twitter is something that can be done on the run and that is one of the pitfalls. That can lead to mistakes. Think carefully about who you want to share information with, so it’s probably not best to do it when angry, drunk or both. If you have a tendency to let loose late at night, find somewhere to hide your phone from yourself, like a plastic bag, at the bottom of a lake.

There are also some simple rules to follow; firstly you should try to be interesting.

Beware of the need devil that is narcissism.

Tweeting details about your life such as ‘I’m having toast’ or ‘I’m off to bed’ is of no interest to anyone. Does the world really need to know more about you? You are taking up that most precious commodity – time; yours and everyone else’s. You should also be pleasant. Don’t spend all your time pointing out other people’s mistakes. You are likely to make some of your own. If you wouldn’t say what you’ve tweeted to someone’s face, don’t day it on Twitter. Be careful not to tweet how bored you are at a meeting or party whilst you’re at the event.

You are not the only person on Twitter, someone in the room with you may see.

Make sure you are on sure ground with a political rand. Have a think before you tweet a knee-jerk reaction to something.

Hard to believe but you may not have all the facts. Linking to that, don’t pass on gossip. Those who tweeted allegations against the Tory peer, Lord McAlpine, when they mistakenly thought he was involved in a sex scandal, later had to consult their lawyers.

Also, don’t be a troll or feed one, in the modern world, unkind folk on social media are known as ‘trolls’. The best advice is most simply ‘don’t feed the trolls’. Take the moral high group and don’t engage.

If someone insults you, deal with it with dignity. Don’t start a slanging match, use the social media equivalent of the eject button in a James Bond car. The ‘block button’; enables you essentially to erase the insulting part from the online life.

Putting ‘LOL’ or a smiley face at the end of a nasty tweet doesn’t lessen the damage it might do. Pick up some knitting. Work for a charity. Bake some scones. There’s a whole world out there to enjoy.

Try not to look desperate or weird, just because you follow someone on twitter does not mean you know them. Celebrities are easily frightened away from Twitter, so berating them if they don’t reply to your specific critique of their work is unnecessary. It’s tough, but try to treat them as if they’re human beings.

If you spend all your time tweeting you wont have a life. Step away from your computer or you’ll never have anything worth tweeting about.

Some people have a Twitter account but don’t even tweet. They use their account in order to join the system and let them see others’ tweets. This is not that far off listening behind someone’s door. If you meet someone whose tweets you’ve been watching, try not to reveal the fact that you know their every move. It’s one move away from stalking.

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communication

FACEBOOK Facebook is a social networking service, a commercial site where anyone can tell the world about themselves. You’d think this would be simple but, like Twitter, this new world has its own rules too.

You shouldn’t boast about how many friends you have on Facebook. In order to be in touch with someone on Facebook you have to ‘friend’ them. To put it kindly – this is misleading. Most people on Facebook are not your friends. You will never meet them, you will never go on holiday with them. If you see the number of Facebook ‘friends’ as a sort of popularity contest then you need to get out more. According to evolutionary psychologist Professor Robin Dunbar of Oxford University we can amass as many thousands of friends on Facebook as we like but that doesn’t alter human beings’ ability in reality to have only about 150 real friends.

DON’T UPDATE YOUR FACEBOOK STATUS WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK. YOU WILL HAVE TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF IN THE MORNING. Don’t update your ‘Facebook status’ when you are drunk. You may put something you regret or insult someone. Don’t ‘unfriend’ someone because the demon drink is playing havoc with your synapses. You will have to explain yourself in the morning.

Be careful when you ‘like; when you post a status update your ‘friends have the option to ‘like’ it. Some people will ‘like’ everything that you post. Be careful not to ‘like’ the wrong things. Don’t ‘like’ your own updates.

That’s just weird.

Don’t attention seek. If you post things like ‘never felt so alone…’ in order to get the attention you never got as a child, perhaps

you should befriend your GP. You should not come across desperate. Don’t bombard people you don’t know with messages and ‘friend’ requests. If you don’t know them in real life why are you bothered? It’s like asking Meryl Streep to come to your office Christmas party and getting angry when she doesn’t show up.

Be careful about jokes. Many workplaces now police their employees’ social media presence. Try not to get someone fired for the sake of a cheap laugh. You can put NSFW next to something to indicate it is Not Suitable/Safe for Work, meaning open this somewhere else, you fool. Also bear in mind that FRAPE, the act of raping someone else’s Facebook profile while they are logged on, can be hilarious or disastrous.

Your call.

Don’t ruin someone else’s life. Everyone likes an amusing photo, but not everyone likes having an amusing photo of him or her put on Facebook. If you’ve taken a snap late at night in a strip club of you married male friend ‘getting to know’ a woman who is not his wife, do not use the much abused ‘tagging’ facility. This allows you to name the people in the photograph and automatically posts it on their wall.

As well as that, don’t ruin your own life.

If you have phone in sick, called off a date or made any form of excuse, make sure you don’t ruin it posting ‘having fun getting drunk on a paddle steamer’. You will get found out. Also bear in mind that what you post online about your holiday exploits will come back to haunt you. Are you sure you want those pictures made public?

Just to reiterate – these are almost certainly not your real friends. If someone says something horrible, unless it is of a criminal nature, leave it alone and face reality.

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YOU CAN GET THROUGH LIFE WITH BAD MANNERS, BUT IT’S EASIER WITH GOOD MANNERS.

WHERE GOOD MANNERS ARE BAD Sometimes having manners is a really bad idea. Annoying but true, there are still times when being too polite is a bad idea. There are even time for bad behaviour.

THE DOWNSIDE TO MANNERS Sadly etiquette has sometimes been used to keep people in their place. This is not kind and is actually very bad manners. Some of the greatest rudeness arises when someone insists on sticking to a particular rule even though the circumstance calls for some flexibility. Rigidity to rules can lead to rudeness.

It’s also worth bearing in mind not to keep saying sorry. There is a difference between being appropriately apologetic and turning into a doormat. If you make a mistake, say you are sorry and then move on. Being too sorry can be annoying.

Don’t stay quiet if something needs saying. Complaining about bad service, food, treatment is not bad manners. It’s the way in which you do it that matters. It is far worse to say nothing and not give the person providing the service, food, etc., a chance to put something right.

Don’t be too stoic. This British have a wonderful reputation for stoicism, and not being a whinger is a good thing. Don’t, however, take this to extremes.

Don’t be the person who, failing to get medical attention because they don’t want to ‘bother the doctor’, dies; or the person who doesn’t respond when someone is rude to them; or the person who puts their own life in danger because they don’t like to say ‘no’. Look after yourself.

So although occasionally sticking to the rules can have a downside, mostly manners are marvellous. You can get through life with bad manners, but it’s easier with good manners. Having good manners will help.

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JOIN THE DEBATE

The Spectator will hold monthly debates at various venues across the country. Held by specialists in the specific debate area there will be discussions about topical events and issues surrounding modern manners.

JOIN THE DEBATE ONLINE Join the debate with our online community.

Sign up and become a member for free at: www.spectator.co.uk/debateonline

TO FIND OuT MORE INFORMATION To book or to find out what the current debate is and where the next events will be held either call: 020 7961 0128, or check online at: www.spectator.co.uk/debatenight.

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DEBATE /

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HOW DO YOu DO? THE ETIQuETTE OF INTRODuCTIONS. JO BRYANT Etiquette advisor

In times gone by, British society was governed by strict codes of conduct and even the simplest mistake could have a devastating affect on social standing. Yet, the rules of etiquette provided a useful framework for accepted behavior.

Nowadays, we have the luxury of a more relaxed society, but does our laissez-faire attitude to the formalities of yesteryear merely confuse us more?

Even in the early decades of last century precedence ruled and there were clear expectations of who should be introduced to whom. For example, a woman of lesser rank was introduced to one of higher standing, and unmarried women were introduced to married women. A mother introduced her unmarried daughter to other women by her Christian name, but introduced her to a man as ‘my daughter’.

Married woman were always called Mrs X, never by Christian name.

Men were introduced to women, never the other way round. If she was sitting, there was no need for her to stand up. If they were both standing, then the introduction was acknowledged by a bow and, from her, a slight smile and inclination of the head. Handshakes between men and women were unusual and only ever instigated by the woman.

These outdated customs are a good example of how etiquette, when executed correctly, provided a clear structure for accepted manners. Nowadays, introductions

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can be confusing and, at worse, embarrassing. We’ve all experienced awkward greetings and uncomfortable silences, as well as self-conscious group situations. It is, therefore, important to remember a few points of etiquette that will oil the wheels for social success.

First, who makes the introduction? In a situation of more than two people, the responsibility lies with the person who is the link between those who have never met. There is nothing more uncomfortable than being left standing while animated conversation between those who know each other goes on around you.

DON’T MUMBLE. THERE IS NOTHING WORSE THAN FORCING SOMEONE TO SAY ‘I’M SORRY, I DIDN’T CATCH YOUR NAME’.

Confidence and clarity is key. Make sure you get names correct, speak clearly and don’t mumble. There’s nothing worse than forcing someone to say ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name’.

When making an introduction, try to offer some information that will put the person into context and provide a springboard for conversation. For example, a quick fact such as ‘John and I play tennis together’ will help to break the ice.

Individuals should be introduced to a group first, and then the group to the individual.

For example, ‘Jane, this is John, James

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and Sue. Everyone, this is Jane.’ Couples are introduced separately, although it is advisable to clarify the relationship (‘And this is Sarah, Peter’s wife/girlfriend’). The use of surnames are only necessary in very formal situations.

If you are introducing people with titles, err on the side of formality (especially for the older generation) and use ‘Lord’ and ‘Lady’ much as you would use ‘Mr’ and ‘Mrs’. Don’t use the full title (the Marquess of X) in conversation; this form of address is used for formal correspondence. It is up to people with titles to terminate the formality with a simple ‘Just call me James...’

It is important to get introductions right.

They occur in every level of our everyday lives, from meeting new friends and family, to business and networking situations. We may not have the security of the formalities of yesteryear, but some simple thought and attention to detail when making introductions will aid even the trickiest of social situations.

FEATuRED ARTICLE

ONE KISS OR TWO? THE ETIQuETTE OF SOCIAL KISSING When I was introduced to a small group of people at a party last week, I found myself in the dilemma of whether to kiss or shake hands. Opting for the social kiss, I was successfully doing the rounds with a peck and an exchange of names when my confidence was shaken to the core. The last person I came to awkwardly stuck out their hand and I had to quickly change tack, all the while wondering if I had made a social kissing blunder.

Should I have just opted to shake hands with everyone? Was the hand-shaker in question rude not to follow suite and go with the kiss? We Brits definitely don’t do halfway-house hugs or casual greetings.

It’s either a kiss or a firm handshake and, in the environment of the party, a handshake felt far too formal.

Social kissing is a potential minefield but, when approached with appropriate confidence and charm, it creates a welcome feeling of conviviality. There are, however, some basic rules that can help ease even the most awkward of situations.

The decision on whether to opt for a social kiss is usually dependent on situation, age, background, profession and the relationship between those involved.

As a general rule, don’t kiss people you don’t know unless you are introduced to them in a social environment. There are times when only a handshake is acceptable; for example between strangers in a formal situation or clients in a professional situation. Asses the circumstances carefully and if in doubt allow the other person to take the lead.

The question of whether to kiss colleagues is generally determined by profession and level of familiarity. In the environment of a business boardroom, social kissing would seem out of place, yet in the fashion world, then a kiss or two between colleagues is de rigueur. Technique is crucial; make your actions clear to ensure that the recipient is aware of your intentions. Remember, too, that it’s a two way street. The gesture of social kissing must not simply received so react appropriately and reciprocate.

Equally, to reject a social kiss is the height of rudeness and will make the kisser feel extremely uncomfortable.

Usually it’s right cheek first, but prepare to change direction at the last minute.

There are no set rules on whether you should go for one or two kisses, except that you should be cautious with those you are less familiar with - two might seem over the top. Be clear on your decision, but if confusion occurs then take charge and make a quick decision. Humour is useful in deflecting embarrassment over the meet-inthe-middle mix-up.

Just holding cheek against cheek feels insincere, but there is a fine line between an acceptable peck and an overly affectionate smacker. Cheek skin must make brief, light contact; sound effects, air kissing and saliva traces are to be avoided at all cost. Don’t linger, and make sure that hands are kept well above the waist. Note, too, that social kissing is strictly a cheek-to-cheek activity.

Kissing on the lips should be reserved for partners, lovers and romantic moments.

If you’d prefer to shake hands, be sure to hold yours out before any kissing manoeuvres begin but, if you’re part of a group introduction, don’t be the only nonkisser at the party...

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Have you ever been annoyed by cell phone yakkers, line-cutters, or noxious neighbors…been confused about who pays at a restaurant… wanted to retire a family tradition…had to break up a play date fight… spotted someone double dipping…gotten a gift you hated? How do you deal with the dilemmas of everyday life? These people asked The Spectator how to deal with some situations like this.

DEAR SPECTATOR YOuR PROBLEMS SOLvED

DEAR SPECTATOR I have just been sent a friend request on Facebook but I do not wish to accept it.

How do I politely reject this request?

Jessica, Sunderland DEAR JESSICA It can be hard to say no to friend requests whether they come from someone you haven’t seen since your third year at primary school or from a kooky relative you wouldn’t talk to. However you’re in luck, there are good, mannerly ways to reject a friend request and not come rude.

One easy way to deal with an unwanted friend request is to actually go ahead and accept the person but block them from seeing your updates or, even better, you seeing theirs. That way they aren’t gaining a lot of access to your profile and you’ve saved them from rejection. And if you choose not to see their updates, they’ll be “Out of site, out of mind”; it’ll be as though you never became friends in the first place.

Just realise that if you block them from seeing your posts, they’ll probably notice.

What do you do then?

That brings me to keeping it professional.

These days, potential employers often check out your Facebook page before extending that offer. If you plan to give future employers or other professional connections access to your Facebook page (and even if you don’t), the old “My Facebook page is for professional use only” defense always works. When you get a friend request

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from someone you fear might embarrass you or who you simply don’t want to be friends with let them know that it’s not personal; it’s business and it’s for your career. Try something like this, “It’s always great to hear from you, but I’ve decided to use Facebook for work only.” You’ve established that you enjoy having this person in your life somewhere and have blamed your decision on work, which isn’t personal. If they don’t believe you, well then, that settles that friendship.

When dealing with family, you have to be extra careful. Face it, they’re family and you can’t escape them. Either block them from seeing what you don’t want them to see or give them the professional excuse.

In this case I recommend going with your gut. If the professional excuse won’t fly, suck it up and accept with a block.

BEST WISHES, THE SPECTATOR DEAR SPECTATOR Recently, an acquaintance made an offhand negative comment about the way I dress. I just laughed it off, but what is the best way to respond to awkward situations like this?

Lucy, brighton DEAR LuCY First, take the comment in context and give the offending party the benefit of the doubt.

Make sure you are not having a bad day already and are just reading too much into the comment. And consider the source. If this person is known for being harmless yet

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socially awkward, you might just chalk it up to ignorance.

Second, do not explode. If this is not a one-off and if the offending person is prone to making verbal faux pas, your resentment may have been building up for some time and this snide remark was the last straw. But becoming a whirling dervish or storming off in a huff won’t solve the problem -- in fact, it will probably make it worse. Instead, take time away from the situation to cool down.

BEST WISHES, THE SPECTATOR

DEAR SPECTATOR

DEAR SPECTATOR I’ve suffered through too salty soups and room-temperature burgers because I’m worried the waiter will take offense and spit in my food. Is there a polite way to return food at a restaurant?

BRYAN, LONDON DEAR BRYAN First of all, don’t be afraid to be honest.

If the food isn’t up to your expectations, tell your waiter – after all you’re expected to pay for it. The server will not take umbrage with your complaint as long as you remain polite. Don’t be wishy-washy and expect your server to offer his or her own idea of what might make the situation livable. That is confusing to the server and the options will probably not appease you anyway. He or she will wonder for the remainder of service whether you are happy or not, which is stressful.

Tell your waiter exactly what is wrong with the food: it’s overcooked, it’s cold, or maybe it’s even the wrong dish. Try something to the tune of: “Excuse me. I ordered my sandwich with mustard instead of mayo. Would you please ask the cook for a sandwich with mustard? Thank you.”

Waitstaff generally enjoy customers who are easygoing even if they do require a little more work. Only if you adopt a sour attitude and bark at the waiter will you get on their bad side. Being rude, demanding, and hard to please are easy ways to get lousy service–and to be clear–you’d deserve it.

BEST WISHES, THE SPECTATOR

DEAR SPECTATOR I have met someone recently at work and he wears the same cologne everyday and it’s so strong it makes me heave. It’s a popular cologne, so people must like it, but to me it smells like death, and that’s probably because he seems to have taken a bath in the stuff! How do you I tell him their good smell, is really not so good?

MARK, NOTTINGHAM DEAR MARK Maybe first try to deflect the situation onto yourself. For example, say “I’m sorry but what type of perfume are you wearing?...

Oh, that kind, yeah, I’m allergic to most perfumes which makes me really sensitive to scents. Does it smell strong to you?”

Bear with me – you’re still easing into the subject. You’ve stated that they “may have” put too much scent on. You have couched your opinion in a purely medical reason (your allergies), so it’s not a judgment call.

Now their brain is saying, “Maybe I did overdo it?” And since you know this is going on inside their mind, you should follow up with, “It’s funny, but because of my allergies I can only use a little cologne. Two quick sprays and that’s it. Sometimes even that makes me sneeze! Ha, ha!”

Here you are bringing up the issue, but being sympathetic – even putting the blame on yourself. You are also planting a seed in their mind that maybe they should rethink (or at least double check) how much they put on in the future.

BEST WISHES, THE SPECTATOR

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DEAR SPECTATOR

DEAR SPECTATOR I recently had a client who didn’t show up for a scheduled meeting. I even skipped dinner with my husband and stay extra late at the office just to accommodate the clients “busy schedule.” Yet when the big day came, the client bailed without a call, text, or email. Call it an inability to commit or a lack of maturity, but when you tell someone you’re going to be somewhere, and then don’t show up, you stand to lose tons of respect. I understand that unexpected things happen, but there is no excuse with all the technology available to us today, for not letting me know that you need to reschedule. How you should I react when the person who stood me up calls back?

JuLIE, MANCHESTER DEAR JuLIE My first tip would be to be stern. Some people assume that being mannerly means you have to keep your mouth shut and smile pretty at all times. Really? Why? Just because you don’t want to curse or throw things, does not mean you need to be a wimp. Being mannerly allows you to be witty, sharp, and make yourself understood using your brain, not your brawn. So when the no-show calls you back with a lame excuse, don’t be afraid to tell them exactly what you're thinking. Just don’t lose your temper. Doing that weakens your argument. If it was a professional engagement, try something like “We made these plans 3 weeks ago and confirmed them the day before. I would have appreciated some form of contact to let me know you would not be arriving so that I could make alternative plans.”

My second piece of advice is not to be quick to reschedule. Time heals all wounds, right? When the no-show calls you back to give a half-baked excuse about why they couldn't make it, they will most likely ask to

reschedule. At this point, I advise you not to jump to set a new date. Tell them you will check your schedule and get back to them. Then, let it simmer, let it sit. Gather your feelings and really consider it. If you do want to try meeting again, check your schedule and offer them a few available slots that would be convenient for you.

That puts you in the driver's seat. Do not offer them the option of naming the time and place. Do not offer to shuffle things around for the no-show, just because they are now eager to make up for their rudeness. Never cancel a meeting you already had set just to accommodate someone who bailed on you once before.

Being late is one thing, but not even showing up is a whole other ball of wax.

Never be afraid to stand up for yourself and let the no-show know that your time is too valuable to waste.

BEST WISHES, THE SPECTATOR DEAR SPECTATOR I received a rude and negative tweet towards me, what is the best way to deal with this?

DARREN, STOCKPORT DEAR DARREN Well, the worst thing you can do is immediately fire off a rude tweet back.

Don’t do that, there is no need to panic.

If they were disagreeing with your opinions or beliefs openly debating opinions and having discussions is sometimes great and therefore its okay if someone doesn’t agree with you; they have a right to disagree.

And, even if it someone’s opinion goes against your own, it doesn’t make him or her wrong. True, their approach to disagreeing may have been rather

unmannerly, but you have to know that if you open the door for a debate, you have to accept other people’s opinions.

Panicking is just the result they wanted.

If someone openly tries to argue with you on Twitter, they are hoping they will attract attention and gain followers. They also hope you are freaking out when you see it. It’s like when an ex walks around town with their new love interest right in front of you, waiting for you to react. Here, like on Twitter, you just need to play it cool.

Never fall into a trap that has you digging out of an embarrassing hole of rude comments. If someone is trying to bait you into an argument on Twitter, chances are the madder you’ll get the more improper your behavior will become. So, what do you do to prevent falling into a Twitter trap?

Think before you tweet. And either ignore it or attack it with some humor.

You can also disagree politely. In this day and age, a person’s online reputation is just as important as their in-person reputation.

That means not being rude in your Twitter life (and every other social media site for that matter). Tweeting “I totally disagree with MMG on this one,” is fine; tweeting MMG is such a @#$% moron is not. You’re more likely to have a good debate—which followers will actually respect—if you take this tack.

It’s never nice to see someone disagree with you, but displaying proper etiquette when seeing a rude tweet is something you’ll thank yourself for later.

BEST WISHES, THE SPECTATOR

Do you feel like you have been the victim of bad manners and are unsure how to deal with the situation? Don’t forget you can ask The Spectator on the best way to over come your dilemma. You can do so by visiting our website (www.spectator. co.uk) or simply tweeting (@thespectator) to have all you questions answered.

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mANNERS SCHOOL Forget the strict, stiff upper lip preconceptions surrounding manners and etiquette classes, come and join The Spectators’ Manners School for a unforgettably fun and social experience.

Throughout the year The Spectator, led by etiquette specialists, will host a range of courses that explore different areas modern manners. From dining across the globe, to manners that take you to the top in your career, there is something for everyone.

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T: 020 7961 0004 E: mannersschool@spectator.co.uk W: www.spectator.co.uk/mannersschool

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