bathimpact Volume 15 Issue 7

bathimpact Volume 15 Issue 7 Monday 6th January 2014

Your newspaper. Your news.

New Year Edition

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Monday 2nd December 2013

welcome

This is Bath, the most beautiful city ever - you live here! You were probably fed up with it before you left for the Winter break... and if you didn’t manage to get away. Then chin up kidda, you’ll get better grades than all those returing with extra tub and alcohol addictions

Don’t forget to take out the middle pages to hang on your wall, or any of our pages for that matter. If you don’t like how they read, let your pets bed on down.

Sam Short

EDITORIAL The bathimpact team

Simon Rushton Editor-in-Chief impact-editor@bath.ac.uk

Tomos Evans Deputy Editor-in-Chief impact-deputy@bath.ac.uk Ben Hooper bite Editor impact-bite@bath.ac.uk

Helen Edworthy News and Comment Editor impact-news@bath.ac.uk

The hottest band of this year is probably going to be Razorlight.

They are the best band since JLS merged with, no wait they’re dead aren’t they?

Anyway, check them out on’t’ radio

Tom Ash Features Editor impact-features@bath.ac.uk Connor McGregor Morton Sport Editor impact-sport@bath.ac.uk

Pedro Gomes Photography Editor impact-photo@bath.ac.uk Gemma Isherwood Online Editor impact-it@bath.ac.uk Poppy Peake Publicity Officer impact-publicity@bath.ac.uk

Gabriela Georgieva Design Editor impact-design@bath.ac.uk Elliott Campbell Media Officer su-media-officer@bath.ac.uk

Advertising Enquires Helen Freeman H.Freeman@bath.ac.uk 01225 386806

The opinions expressed in bathimpact are not necessarily those of the bathimpact editors nor of the University of Bath Students’ Union. Whilst every effort is made to ensure that the information contained in this publication is correct and accurate at the time of going to print, the publisher cannot accept any liability for information which is later altered or incorrect. bathimpact as a publication adheres to the Press Complaints Commission’s Code of Conduct.

Please contact them for any information.

Disspizzion The act of dispising something, known in some parts of Cornwall of ‘dispices’, (now we know why curry houses in Cornwall are so inefficient) this has been our word of 2013. May the new year bring more made up words.

Only 353 days until Christmas It’s almost Christmas people, so hang up those long socks on the radiators, go shopping and listen to the same shit songs over and over. I mean how can they ever even think of playing anything but the original BandAid? Saying that, that song is no good anyway. Yay we’re allowed to be grumpy again now. It’s January

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So bathimpact looks a bit different this week doesn’t it and doesn’t that guy in the bath have a fantastic beard (and nipples), we hope you are saying?

Now it’s regrettably the shit part of the year with crap weather, 12 months to go until Christmas and January exams. Well not for us; due to our ability to travel in time, we are bringing this to you from a great time of the year with crap weather and coursework deadlines. However, we don’t care as it’s nearly Christmas… except that’s already happened and probably some news also has, you see our problem here?

If we don’t mind blowing our own trumpets we think we’ve done it - smashed it if you will.

We’ve created a paper. That’s correct: A newspaper without any of the news. Sorry, this just in (news pun) that’s already been done; they call it a magazine, who knew?

So we suppose that we may as well declare this the first ever magazine issue of bathimpact.

Do not fear. Inside, you can still find an update on the world of business with the contentious as ever economics of revision, science looking at sciencey things like cars and planes, sport covering 2013 in all of its sporting glory and a helpful review of all of the gyms where you can burn off those Christmas dinners. Remember Christmas?

Wasn’t that great/ crap/ we can’t believe that big thing happened, and finally OMG wasn’t Sherlock great? (You will see above that this hasn’t happened yet but it’s Sherlock; it’s going to be fucking fantastic.)

So that’s what’s in the paper, it’s essentially a super large version of bite, except with some more highbrow things in as well as we aim to please. In the section formally known as bite, which will return to being called bite in the next issue, we have ideas on what you should for New Year’s resolutions. Furthermore there is also the excellent ‘13 Things in 2013’ - an eclectic mix with something

for everybody. Also if words are not what you’d like to read, there are lots of pretty pictures of snow on campus to entertain and a resolutiony postery pull out thing on the centre pages.

Hopefully that’s sold it to you, so we would normally fill the rest of an editorial with commentary on a theme. Instead, we’ll talk about the real world. Now is - for all intents and purposes - half time of the University year and for the majority of the editorial team, we have one semester until the real world hits us.

Some of us have flirted with the idea of the real world with working over the summer and part time jobs, but the real issues of the world: Council Tax, ortgages and the fact you actually have to wake up in the morning. This is scaring us a lot; it also means that we will no longer be able to be part time (well really full time) journalists.

This is one of the shittest things about not being at uni: The fact that in the real world, we can’t play cheap sport, we can’t do fun society things and again we have to pay council tax, which we still really don’t know what it’s for or how much it is but are sure it’s shit.

The advantages of the student lifestyle are numerous and we don’t want to let them go. So even at the moment - after not having a break at Christmas due to exams and stressing over coursework just think that we can join a society and play some sport and then with those people drink ourselves senseless and turn up to our lectures hanging like a time travelling Victorian criminal, looking at the Bayeux Tapestry (which he just stole) in the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, or still drunk like many a member of media did after many a social. But remember kids, soft drink alternatives are available and also don’t run with scissors.

Or tapestries.

Anyways it’ll be refresh week soon so look at joining some clubs, but in the mean time please distract yourselves with the beauty of the magazine. bathimpact team out.

Monday 6th January 2014

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Ebp panoramique

Dear society. There’s no need for comment.

It’s sickening that bourgeois public figures who are held by all who know them as worse than scum residing on Satan’s teeth the morning after, calling Mandela, Madiba Written by Thomas Gane

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hat day did Nelson Mandela die? Five, four, three, two, one, queue countdown noises! If you said the 5th of December 2013 then you are fine. If you said “like fuck I know” then that is also perfectly fine. If however, you posted your immense grief and sadness over Facebook and didn’t know then that’s a different issue. If you extolled the virtues of his teachings in a lengthy paragraph and acted like it was the worst thing that had ever happened and you still said “like fuck I know”. Then my friend, then you can go and fuck yourself.

I didn’t think about Mandela the day before he died. I didn’t think about him the day before that, or even the week before. If he hadn’t died I wouldn’t have that about him in that week either. As such, I don’t think I’ve really got the right to comment on his passing. I mean we’re talking about a man who spent 27 years in prison in a fight against oppression. He was the first black president of South Africa who became a symbol of hope and the struggle against intolerance. If you told someone who was living through the height of apartheid about his achievements I’m sure a fair few of them would have scoffed at what must have sounded like a work of fiction. I’m trying to do justice to his accomplishments and I’m pretty sure I can’t. So what makes you think a few lines on your Facebook wall will be enough?

Now obviously this doesn’t apply

to all of you. I’m sure a lot of you were really affected by his passing and actually reflected on a lot of things.

I’m sure many of you took this opportunity to learn more about his incredible life and the messages he preached. Maybe you thought about how South Africa is still horribly unequal, about how our own police force is institutionally racist and the American government’s drug policy is really a war against its black youth.

This is what you should do when someone like Mandela dies. Scratch that, these are the kind of things that we should think about a lot more often than we currently do. What you shouldn’t have done is thought, “Oh this’ll be a good way to get myself a few more likes. This’ll make me seem learned and kind”. What you shouldn’t have done is pretended that this was the single saddest thing that ever happened to you as if that’ll make up for the fact that you made a racist joke last week. What does a status about Mandela really mean when it’s wedged between pictures of you doing Jagerbombs in XL and a status about how your life is so incredibly hard because you have an essay due in tomorrow? What does it mean when you haven’t thought about his life or any of these issues since? What does it mean when you made more of a fuss when Brian Griffin died? Fuck all.

This is part of a bigger issue of people thinking that they all need to comment on someone’s death.

Obviously this is kind of how the

news and social media works and it’s always going to happen so we should probably just accept it. I also know that I’m contradicting myself with every word that I type, but not everyone needs to have their say.

Why does every celebrity need to comment on what happened? Why does every politician or public figure immediately have to pretend that they’re suddenly the supreme champion of social justice? If you don’t have anything insightful to say, don’t say it. Instead why don’t you read something? Learn something about Mandela that you didn’t know before. Learn something about inequality and privilege that you didn’t know before. I know we all feel like we’re not part of a discussion unless we’re shouting something stupid, but sometimes you’re not meant to be part of a discussion. Sometimes you being part of the discussion is one of the things that’s holding it back.

I don’t really give a fuck what David Cameron thinks about Mandela or racial issues. Overpriviliged cishet white men were the ones enforcing apartheid in the first place, so there are far better people out there to properly comment on the issue.

That’s before we remember David Cameron went on an anti-sanctions fact finding mission with a pro-apartheid lobby firm that was sponsored

by PW Botha. Or we recall that time Boris Johnson claimed Mandela was imposing a black tyranny in South Africa. How about Rick Santorum

comparing Mandela’s plight to ObamaCare? Some celebrities and kids on social media pretending to make a big deal about something they don’t really care about is annoying but not something to get too worked up about (although I clearly did anyway). However, using his death to try and cover up some horrible things in your history or to further your own political agenda; that’s pretty disgusting.

I suppose you could argue that I’m using Mandela’s death to rail on the right and I guess you’d be right, but in my defence I wrote about not trying to capitalise on Thatcher’s death when she died too. Also before you ask I didn’t make a status, I got annoyed by Facebook and politicians then too, and she died on April 8th.

I remember because it was two days before the best birthday ever (am I joking? I don’t even know anymore).

The main point is that you should only comment on something if you actually care. Only comment on something if you have something useful to contribute to the discussion. Only comment on something if you are welcome in the discussion and your privilege isn’t hindering the process. Social media, twenty four hour news and all these other things we like to blame for the fact we’re all idiots (Mayan prophecies, Made in Chelsea and pineapple on pizza maybe) mean we all think we constantly need to contribute and be heard; but when it comes to people like Mandela, can’t we just learn?

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University dis-placement

Jason Riedy

Written by Thomas Gane

Like worker bees, some people have a fear of being in the same job for the rest of their lives. This can be easy to forget when only doing a placement for a single year

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t’s odd to think that by the time this goes to print I’ll have been working for about 30 weeks. That’s already more than the amount of time I would have spent at university over the entire academic year. In terms of hours, I’ve probably already surpassed the total of my entire academic career, although that probably has a lot to do with the fact I’m a very lax politics student who’s perfectly fine with being mediocre.

Every weekend I think to myself, ‘cunt-muffin, I’ve already been here for five months. Let’s try to make the most of this’. Then suddenly it’s the next Friday and I’m drunk in my boxers at two in the morning after watching seven hours of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Obviously there are few better ways to spend an evening, but it’s not exactly what you call fulfilling, and therein lies the best and worst things about working full time.

The working week itself is pretty monotonous, and I don’t mean that as a criticism. University often ebbs and flows depending on how much work you’ve got or what time of year it is. During the first few weeks of term it’s perfectly acceptable not to leave your room for a day or two because you don’t really have to go to your lectures and the outside world is scary. Then on the weekends it’s perfectly acceptable to stay awake for 48 hours straight and not come home because you don’t really have any responsibilities and it turns out amphetamines make it hard to take naps. However once you get to the last week of term you realise you have to do three 2,500 word essays in one week with a crate of relentless and five packs

of Tesco value cookies. This is also the point that you could really put those amphetamines to good use, but you’re greedy so there’s none left.

The point I’m trying to make, besides the rather obvious amphetamines are not conducive to an efficient work schedule thesis, is that university is all about what you do yourself. You can work as hard as you want or do as little as you want and no one can really stop you. I’m not to be trusted and have learned to not expect much from myself, so when I’m not going to be yelled at for not going to something I’m probably not going to go.

However, with work you can’t really do that, and if I don’t go I will be yelled at and fired and then they won’t give me money so I will be sad. As such I go to work every day and the regularity of the routine just eats up the weeks and it’s kind of nice. Obviously it’s awful in other ways because when you get out of bed in the morning you know that you can’t go back to bed until the night, but it feels kind of good to just be working without the fear that making a mistake will ruin the rest of your life.

I must admit that it’s kind of nice right now seeing all of my friends back in Bath drowning in coursework and exams while I’m just kind of doing the same thing that I’ve been doing for the last few months with no worry. I’m getting to go home over Christmas with nothing to think about other than getting absolutely plastered on mulled wine, watching Die Hard and pretending that I still like the people I’ll have to come into contact with. This is the main benefit of work, and in this

sense I really do prefer it to university.

However, there’s also the sense that I’m working towards July when my contract ends, and this is why I’m so okay with the monotony. Post university the only thing I’d be working towards would be death, and I’m not so sure I’d be okay with it then - and this is where university has the edge. I know I joked about not really doing anything or working at all, but at university you do really feel like you’re doing something productive. You’re learning something that you can use for the rest of your life and your extracurricular activities are an amazing way to meet new people and, you know, better yourself as a human or some shit like that. So this is the point that I do miss university. As much as I enjoy seeing the stressed statuses about exams and thinking about all the free time I have after work, whenever I see photos of some social or event everyone’s been to I do miss it a lot.

So there you go, 800 words that really tell you absolutely nothing. It’s nice not having the pressure and stress of working towards something so you don’t feel guilty about wasting time on beer and sitcoms. However, not really working towards anything kind of makes you feel like everything is pretty pointless and you’re just waiting for death.

So I guess the message is to find a balance? I’m not sure, I got distracted about one hundred words back and now I’m thinking about amphetamines again. Just do whatever makes you happy and try to have a purpose. Either that or take amphetamines, I really don’t care.

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The anger of the full stop Written by Nicholas West

Horia Andrei Varlan

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hat would you say is the angriest piece of punctuation? I’m talking about one that can instantly change the meaning of a sentence from calm agreement to a declaration of war just by its mere presence. No idea? Let’s have an example: ‘I think I’m gonna be late for dinner, can you hang on a bit?’, followed by ‘Fine’.

Now, an exclamation point is the obvious answer. ‘Fine!’ he exclaimed. That could mean anger, sure, but it could mean he’s busy. Could mean he’s excited. Could mean he’s using Siri and shouted that at his phone (is that how Siri works? I have no idea).

But a full stop. ‘Fine.’ Once upon a time that was just par for the course for written English. You stick a full stop at the end of a sentence if you have nothing more interesting to do, in much the same way Dave uses Top Gear.

But now, oooohhh, now you know he’s pissed - and it’s an interesting move from the humble origins of the dot.

It stems from the fact that the means of our written communication has changed fundamentally over the years, meaning that the original rules of grammar and punctuation may not have been well translated to these new means.

But now, with the rise of instant messaging, our written conversations are now a lot more natural, with each contribution being a short message of generally a single sentence.

The interrobang, the most unloved of all punctation, has not felt this change in usage

As such, it’s entirely unnecessary to use a full stop - I mean, there’s no next sentence for the previous one to run into, it just makes sense. Also, when we’ve got multiple sentences, we tend to say ‘we can go to Pizza Hut’, followed by ‘although I think I have a coupon for Dominos’ on a separate line. This is rather than using ‘we can go to Pizza Hut. Although I think I have a coupon for Dominos’.

It was the first bit of punctuation to indicate a break in the flow of speech and, unlike an exclamation mark or question mark (or even an interrobang) it does nothing to suggest tone. It just indicates a rhythm to a piece - a rhythm that already exists when you’re ending a message.

The extra pause indicated by a full stop makes one wonder what the intent of the message is. It seems very final, like there’s no possibility of further discussion.

No other punctuation marks have felt the same change in usage. An exclamation mark is still for exclamations; question marks for questions; commas to indicate a pause in the sentence; semicolons to indicate a pretentious author and, while ellipses are getting a new lease of life in text speak (even though nobody really knows how to write them...) they’re still pretty much unchanged.

Maybe one day the full stop will just be used for angry ends to sentences and then someone will look back at this (and all written work) and wonder just why we were all so angry.

On labelling the unlabelled does he mention the word “Gay”. He announces he has a boyfriend, but doesn’t ever refer to himself as a Gay man. He even goes on to say: “Of course I still fancy girls but right now I'm dating a guy and I couldn't be happier”. And yet everywhere I looked, headlines and social media alike, I saw things like ‘Tom Daley comes out as gay’ or ‘Tom GAY-ley’. Not only is the second one borderline offensive (and not funny) but they are also factually wrong.

Tom Daley has not stated that he’s gay, nor does he want to be labelled thus, or any other way. On the Jonathon Ross show he said: “Everything is all pretty new so I don't see any point in putting a label on it - Gay, Bi, Straight, any of those kind of labels. All that I feel happy about at the moment is that I'm dating a guy and couldn't be happier, it shouldn't mat-

ter who I'm dating and I hope people can be happy for me.” Which begs the question, why are people adamant on calling him gay?

The problem stems from society’s view of sexuality at large. It is seen as being an either or thing; people fit in nice binary boxes and there are no exceptions. You are either straight or gay, manly or pansy, you like football or you like balls. This leads to the false ideology that any sexual identity that lies outside of these two boxes - Bisexuality, Asexuality, Pansexuality to name a few - don’t actually exist.

The worst part is when people think that you are secretly gay or that you are using bisexuality as a mechanism to come out as fully gay. The latter does happen; it is a way for some people to test the water, but that does not mean every Bisexual

person is doing this. It causes those people who are out of the Gay/Straight binary to feel their emotions and relationships are somehow false, less important or invalid as they don’t conform to what society deems their sexual orientation to be.

This is, sadly, all too prevalent; especially in the gay community. This isn’t the run of the mill kind of homophobia, the God Hates Gays kind, it’s a more insidious type where people don’t even know they are doing it. The systematic dismissal of bisexual feelings by other Lesbian and Gay people marginalises them further in an already oppressed minority. Tom may one day come out as Gay, but until then I will not put words into his mouth. Oppression is oppression, and by refusing to accept bisexuality as an actual thing we, as a whole, cannot move forward in gaining the respect deserved

by LGBT people.

The only person who gets to decide on Tom’s sexuality, whether it’s Straight, Bisexual, Gay, Pansexual, Heteroflexible, Independent or anythingelse-sexual, is Tom himself.

The most important thing is that he is happy and comfortable with himself. I respect and admire Tom’s Independence from sexual orientation norms, and wish him and his boyfriend the best of luck for the future.

Jim Thurston

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ecently, social media has been abuzz with the revelation that Tom Daley is in a relationship with a man. Yet, the buzz is more about people calling Tom ‘Gay’ rather than the relationship itself.

I’m sure by now that you will have seen or heard about Tom’s recent YouTube video where he admits to having fallen for a guy. His exact words are: “In spring this year my life changed massively when I met someone... they make me feel so happy, so safe and everything just feels great... and that someone is a guy”. The amount of openly LGBT people in competitive sport is very low; the count of openly Lesbian and Gay competitors at the 2012 Olympics was 21 and, considering over 10,000 people competed in the Games, it shows how LGBT people do not feel comfortable coming out during their professional careers. If you want to do the maths, the current estimate for LGBT people in the world is 3 per cent, so there should be about 300 LGBT athletes competing. So for Tom Daley, our bronze medallist diver, to announce his relationship during the height of his athletic career is incredibly brave and we should applaud him for it.

Now, here is the thing I find interesting; not once during the whole video

Written by Tommy Parker

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The perils of unpaid internships Written by James Benson-King

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obtaining the hands-on experience required to succeed in the workplace. But unpaid internships, no matter how long, are exploitative. Working full time for a month, 3 months or even a year without getting paid whilst the employer reaps the benefits is unjustifiable.

It insults the student’s degree as well as their intelligence, and stems from the fact that when we need to establish ourselves professionally we can’t be picky about the jobs we apply for. Students are effectively promised that if we do an internship with no salary, somewhere down the line it will pay off.

Furthermore, unpaid internships discriminate against those that cannot afford to work

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t’s that time of year again. As semester one nears its end, the inevitable drone about the Vice-Chancellor’s pay barely changes. A group called ‘Bath Students Support Our Staff’ stated on social media that: ‘Our VC was struggling to get by on £356k per year so the [University of Bath] just announced a £27k pay rise. No money for staff though’. Open letters to the Students’ Union say tuition fees are ‘lining the pockets’ of the University of Bath’s ‘increasingly greedy’ senior management.

According to their 2012 accounts, the University spent £185.7m annually, with £104.1m expended on staff costs, which include wages, National Insurance and pension contributions. That year’s income was £196.6m, where £70.7m came from tuition fees and education contracts. Increased money from tuition fees was completely counterbalanced by Higher Education Funding Council for England (HEFCE) grant reductions. The 2012 operating surplus was just under £11m, diminished by £6.5m from its 2011 figure.

Despite the UCU’s complaints, surpluses serve as an insurance against an uncertain future.

Furthermore, these collated funds can be augmented with loans to finance larger projects, like the £5m Student Centre. In their recent strikes, the three staff unions’ principal concern is that pay has stumbled behind inflation. From 2002 to 2012, over-

all staff costs swelled – in real terms – by about 25 per cent. If the University were to have kept staff remuneration in lockstep with RPI-inflation from 2008, whilst maintaining current employee numbers, wages and salaries alone would surge upwards by at least £12m, eclipsing the 2012 surplus.

The Vice-Chancellor’s emoluments – her salary with benefits-in-kind – have reached £383,000. These increases have largely been off-set by cuts to the ViceChancellor’s pension scheme. Even if our Vice-Chancellor were to be paid nothing, and her salary and benefits were shared equally with the University’s employees – of whom there are over 2,500 – then each person would receive less than £110.

This money would satiate few complaints raised about low pay amongst University staff.

Instead of castigating the senior management as ‘greedy’ for accepting these salaries, it should be considered why such salaries are offered in the first place.

Fundamentally, this is a knowledge problem. People are usually unaware of what management does, concluding managers add nothing. It is difficult for outside observers to calculate what managerial guidance is worth. For example, Warren Buffet once sat on the board of the company that publishes the Washington Post, whose director said: “Mr Buffet’s recommendations to management have been

for free. The combination of no income and living in high cost areas rules out specific students who otherwise would be willing to apply. This provides an unfair advantage for those who can afford to work unpaid or have a base in a major city.

This results in the only viable candidates being those who can afford these expenses.

It is illegal to discriminate by class in the world of employment, however this seemingly goes unnoticed for aspiring students and graduates looking to establish themselves in the professional world.

The fact that unpaid internships offer little reimbursement, if any, for travel and food is legally dubious. The term ‘intern’ currently has no legal status. However, National Minimum Wage legislation dictates that anybody with set hours and responsibilities and adds value to the company is named a worker and therefore deserves to be paid.

The majority of interns meet and even exceed these criteria however are still expected to work unpaid. This undermines the rules of the National Minimum Wage (NMW) and the employers should be legally bound to pay them. Many companies may be taking advantage of student’s desperation to find work, and therefore using them to work for free.

To ask students or graduates to work for up to a year without pay is simply no longer acceptable, and the problem lies in awareness and enforcement. Although the government has proposed to ban the advertising of them, this campaign has seemingly dried up.

Many companies, as well as students, are not aware that most unpaid internships are in violation of National Minimum Wage legislation, but it is also the job of the government and Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs to enforce stricter legislation and regulation.

A study from the 2011 Student Survey by

Ken Teegardin

mark sebastian

nternships have recently become a vital aspect of a student or graduate’s CV. However, the current Catch-22 of needing a job to get a job is becoming increasingly common and frustrating for all us poor students. This is compounded by the current graduate labour market, which is saturated with fantastic candidates all looking for opportunities. It is, to use that old cliché, a dog eat dog world.

This competition has made it increasingly difficult to gain work experience, and therefore many students are opting to participate in unpaid internships to gain the relevant experience.

Internships are an opportunity for people to develop skills and gain connections whilst

the National Association of Colleges & Employers shows that an unpaid internship may not even be worth the hassle. It stated that paid interns spent more time on professional duties and had more responsibility, whilst unpaid were given clerical tasks. Their research also showed that paid interns started with higher basic salaries, and that 61 per cent ended up with a job after their internship compared with only 38 per cent for the unpaid interns.

One such company which is actively taking a stand against unpaid internships is Instant Impact. They are a graduate recruitment agency who offer paid internships and graduate jobs in small to medium sized enterprises (SMEs).

I spoke to Marketing Manager Sabina Usher, who said: “We only offer paid internships Interns deserve to be paid under NMW legislation if they have a set role, are doing set tasks and have set hours. All our internships are paid to reflect the hard work that these interns do and in turn, employers have access to wider talent and a productive recruit who is likely to stick around for longer.”

Having spoken to several friends who are currently on unpaid internships about these issues, it has been made clear that few could have taken the job if it wasn’t in their home city. The only student I had spoken to who has relocated has enough financial backing to warrant doing this. The hours they work are long, although some irregularly get afternoons off, and the tasks they do at times give ‘making a cup of coffee’ a good name.

The survival guides for unpaid internships often suggest getting a part time job to earn money in order to stay afloat, and put social activities on hold to save money for necessities. The only sound piece of advice they do give is for students to ask if taking an unpaid internship is really worth it.

The university’s piggy bank

worth – no question – billions.” We don’t have enough specific information to deride the Vice-Chancellor’s salary as unfair.

Our University is clearly succeeding, especially as higher education becomes more globalised in competition and collaboration.

Inconsistently, the open letter contrasts the Vice-Chancellor’s pay to other Vice-Chancellors in Britain, but compares lecturer pay to that of industrial employees, rather than other academics. According to the Times Higher Education, the average staff cost of full-time academics at the University of Bath is £47,808, broadly similar to the UK average of £47,609. Despite insinuations of cronyism, no-one decides their pay-packet: the University’s Remuneration Committee sets all senior

Written by Anthony Masters

officers’ pay. The members of this committee are the Vice-Chancellor, the Council’s Chair, the Treasurer and two other members elected from the University’s Council. The Vice-Chancellor ceases to sit on this committee when it assesses her salary.

There are some admirable and viable campaigns to ameliorate low pay amongst University staff, possibly funded by eroding the surplus. However, this is not a limitless well, and there will remain many difficult trade-offs to be made between pay standards and staff numbers, as well as hard choices over new buildings and academic facilities.

Sniping about the Vice-Chancellor’s salary spoils these campaigns and is just cheap.

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2013: A world affairs round-up

cliff1066

Written by Jeff Bevan

February - Nuclear fear to start the year!

February was the month the West was gripped by fear. Fear of a nuclear strike by an impoverished totalitarian regime in Far East Asia, North Korea. Successful underground nuclear tests and attempted missile launches provoked renewed UN sanctions against the already isolated nation. Strong rhetoric from the Democratic People’s Republic, including threats of a pre-emptive nuclear strike on the United States, was countered by some US military muscle flexing in the region, the flight of B-52s over the peninsula. Tensions simmered down throughout the summer as the threats never materialised and North Korea came under increasing pressure from China and the world to resume six-party talks.

February/March - Unorthodox papal proceedings

Rvin88

Michael Martelli

February also saw the most shocking news to come out of the Catholic world since Martin Luther, Pope Benedict XVI resigned. The first un-coerced papal resignation in 700 years; his holiness cited poor health and will as his reason for leaving the role after just under 8 years in the office. The event garnered the attention of the world’s media. And as is now tradition, the TV vans once again camped outside St Peter’s square with cameras trained on the chimney of the Sistine Chapel, waiting for the white smoke signalling the end of the Papal conclave. Not to disappointed the eagerly waiting 1.2 billion Catholics and to shock the world once again, the cardinals elected an Argentinian, the first Pope to be born in South America. Pope Francis I has so far brought fresh impetus to the Holy See, particularly on the issue of Curia reform and tried to shift the focus of the Church away from issues like homosexuality and abortion.

April - A glimmer of hope for the Arms Trade?

June - Ever get that feeling that you’re being watched?

In June of 2013, The Washington Post and The Guardian published the first of thousands of documents acquired by former NSA contractor, Edward Snowden. The documents revealed the mass surveillance of communications throughout the Western world. The NSA, GCHQ, BND (Germany), DGSE (France) and other European intelligence agencies collaborated to collect phone records, emails, text messages and much more from their citizens.

The revelation provoked outrage amongst the public and media, with calls for tighter regulation on the intelligence services following swiftly after. New information is being exposed like a drip-feed by Edward Snowden, renewing the controversy at every step.

Michael Martelli

thierry ehrnann

The world’s first Arms Trade treaty opened for signature in April of last year. Hoping to improve peace and security in some of the most unstable regions of the world, the treaty has so far been signed by 115 members of the United Nations. It attempts to stop destabilising arms flows to regions of conflict, prevent the supply of human rights abusers with arms and keep weapons out of the hands of pirates, warlords and gangs. The decision was hailed by numerous human rights groups. The challenge that remains is one of enforcement, only eight countries have so far ratified the treaty, and it requires at least fifty ratifications to enter into force. A bittersweet moment perhaps…

July - Royal baby showers

Hot off the Royal fervour of the last few years, a royal birth was added to the fairy tale story of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. The Royal family and Britain have been in the spotlight on and off for the last couple of years. Recent events include: a Diamond Jubilee to a Royal Wedding to the 2012 Olympic Games. The birth of George Alexander Louis was yet another chapter in a story which has gripped the attention of the world’s media and Royal lovers everywhere! Before the birth, the government had removed the principle of male primogeniture from the statute books; to ensure that the baby, whether male or female, would remain third in line to the throne, regardless of any subsequent children from Will and Kate.

Monday 6th January 2014

world

9

facebook.com/bathimpact Press and Information Office

August - The red line‌the red line that was crossed

World Economic Forum

The use of chemical weapons in the Syrian Civil War was confirmed in the summer of 2013. International debate over the action which should be taken raged; the West favoured limited military intervention in order to assist their allies (the Syrian Rebels) while Russia and China urged caution and refused to back any UN resolution to the contrary. In early September the United States looked as if it was gearing up for unilateral intervention or at least a US-led coalition of the willing. Russian President, Vladimir Putin entered the fray and struck a deal with US Secretary of State, John Kerry. The deal would see a plan drawn up for the Syrian chemical weapons to be dismantled and a further condemnation of the on-going violence in the Middle Eastern state.

Catherine Ashton centre stage-November

DFID

November brought with it at least a partial resolution to Iran’s on-going nuclear enrichment program and its international condemnation. Talks between the great powers of the world and Iran, chaired by Baroness Catherine Ashton from the EU, reached a temporary six month deal.

The deal loosened sanctions on the Islamic Republic in exchange for a freeze of Iranian nuclear experimentation. Proponents of the deal say it gives the parties more time to come to a concrete and permanent agreement.

Typhoon Haiyan-November

2013 was an interesting year for natural disasters; a meteor crashing in southern Russia, an earthquake in the Sichuan province of China, and of course the devastating Typhoon Haiyan in the Philippines. According to UN statistics, around 11 million people have been affected by the Typhoon, one of the strongest ever recorded at landfall. The international reaction, while halfhearted at first, has picked up; The death toll exceeds 5,000, giving a sense of the scale of this dreadful disaster.

WTO

World trade reputation- December

The World Trade Organisation (WTO) agreed on their first full agreement in Bali in December of 2013. The deal was intended to boost world trade by simplifying the process of international business. The agreement was welcomed by many, particularly provisions which would lower tariffs on goods coming from poorer countries to more developed economies. Critics however have stated that this part of the deal falls short of expectations and will not lead to significant change. While the deal may not be as transformative as it claims, it may lead to a restoration of faith in the WTO, an organisation which has suffered from diplomatic paralysis and a perceived neo-liberal bias.

2013 saw the deaths of some true titans of world affairs:

Paul Weinberg

Williams

Julian Mason

Margaret Thatcher, Conservative Prime Minister of the 1980s died in April suffering from a stroke after many years of bad health. She received a ceremonial funeral in the United Kingdom, one which was attended by the Monarch. The funeral, like her time in office, was subject to much public debate.

David Frost, the television journalist and media personality, died in August of 2013 of a heart attack. Most famous for his interviews with leviathans of popular culture: from Richard Nixon to Tony Blair and Muammar Gaddafi.

December saw the death of Nelson Mandela, the first black President of South Africa and anti-apartheid campaigner. He died of a lung infection. He was mourned across the world, not just in his native country; his life affected so many and his death brought tributes from all over the planet.

Monday 6th January 2014

business

11

facebook.com/bathimpact

Are Helpouts the new search engine? you desire. The beauty is that, as the student, you can ask questions in real time rather than watching a video and typing a comment after. It means that demonstrations can be done at both ends of the screen; certainly more interactive than the likes of Quora in that regard. It must also be asked whether Skype have missed the opportunity to expand into paid video calls with professionals.

The concept has spawned from Google’s very own Hangouts application, also a video call service but with people you know through Google+. It was also tested as an internal programme between Google employees before launching to the public earlier this month.

For those interested in becoming providers, one has to submit their information in order to receive an invitation.

The information is assessed against certain criteria and if deemed acceptable, Helpouts can potentially act as a po-

tential income generator. It is certainly worth investigating! In spite of this, Google currently appear to be reluctant in approving individual applications.

The product is a typical extension of Google’s mission to organise the world’s information and in time may well establish itself as a daily product. There is no doubt that the number of providers on offer will certainly grow. Its USP is, of course, its ease of access, simply because many will appreciate its dynamism even within their own surroundings.

Clearly, it is a service with great potential and offers a great solution in terms of extracting information from people’s minds, which will thus reduce the impediments of delivering tacit knowledge in the long term. It therefore has the capability to be a highly successful installation by Google, awWnd hopefully it will remain ad free too!

Carlos Luna

G

oogle is probably the most obvious port of online call whenever we are looking for help. We know that it will answer any question or query we have.

With endless sources, Google knows everything and seeks what we are looking for whenever we want. How can I learn how to speak Japanese? How can I learn how to play the guitar? How do I cook risotto? You got it, every question has an answer.

However, Google are looking to break away from the instruction-rich content they arm you with and instead connect you to the people who know best. The new service they have launched to do this is called Helpouts. Its purpose is simple: to find you help in real time from a real person. Essentially, one selects and contacts a person from a list of experts in a chosen matter or field to help them with any of their queries. The contact is done through the Hangout feature in the form of a video chat.

The service offers a wide range of categories, from art to electronics to fashion. It is a monetised service where you pay for the expert help. Google take a 20 per cent cut of the money you pay, however, they have stated that they offer a 100 per cent money-back guarantee. They do this by keeping a recording of the session in order to determine the evidence for a refund. In addition, they inspect the marketplace and the credibility of the experts advertising their service online, so you won’t be left in the cold.

The pricing and session duration varies with the provider.

Rosetta Stone and Weight Watchers are just two of the 1,000 companies that have signed up. It is likely that the 1,000 figure will remain for the time being as it is structured as an invite-only service. To get involved, you must have Google+ profile and pay via Google Wallet. One can give feedback at the end of each session and report the provider if necessary. Appointments can be made with companies, or you can connect with others straightaway if

written by Peter Nagle

...

EconomicsRevision of Productivity is one of the corner stones of economics. In its basic terms, it is the ratio of inputs to outputs; a way of discovering whether what we are doing with our time and effort is worth it. The scenario described above may well be familiar to a few of you, but whilst the input at the time might seem intense, it is clear that the output is limited, especially in comparison to the work the porn stars you watch all day put into their jobs.

So, is there any way we can measure our productivity?

Of course there is. It is, in principle, the degree to which our needs are satisfied by our work. If you have seven topics in your module, and you need to learn three, our needs would clearly be satisfied by doing so. If we learn four, we have exceeded our needs and produced a knowledge sur-

Jennie

M

y schedule for studying has always been quite uneconomical. After a midday breakfast, I sit at my desk. I rearrange my pens, get out the appropriate books and reward myself with a well-deserved wank.

Then the real work begins (after an episode of Family Guy, of course). I highlight a couple of pages, for which – because what I’ve highlighted is so important – I congratulate myself with a cigarette and a cup of tea. I then phone my friend to discuss what to revise, followed by a brief analysis of Breaking Bad and then, due to the conversation’s intensity, I have another wank. Come midnight, my dick is as dry as a nun’s nasty and my lungs sufficiently filled with smoke. Obviously I can’t work in these conditions, so I go to bed and do the same thing again the next day.

plus. This is obviously when productivity is in its element.

I dare not trivialise your own unique study schedule, but the way in which most businesses attempt to create optimum productivity is through the use of targets. By establishing the abilities of the workforce and the time available, many factories across the world are able to ensure that everything is done on time and, if possible, with a surplus.

Of course, there are examples of overthinking productivity; the Soviet FiveYear plan was meticulously planned, but if one factory’s machine broke, it would disrupt the entire process. We have all been guilty of over-planning, setting outrageous targets which, when not reached, force other aspects of revision to grind to a halt.

Another problem which affects our productivity is distraction. According to Salary.com, surfing the internet is one of the biggest causes of lost production time in the work place. It is hardly surprising that 64 per cent of people find themselves on the non-work related websites every day. What is more surprising is that 21 per cent estimate that the time they spend each week browsing Youtube and Facebook is a staggering 10 hours. The same most likely goes for you right now. Rather than reading about the economic productivity of Mercosur compared to the EU, you are reading this article, explaining the productivity of the thing you’re not doing. The best thing you can do is lock yourself out, but then how would you access that video vaguely related to what you are doing?

And so, economists can recommend you two things: set targets and hide distractions. And if you are really reading an article about being productive in the thing you are meant to be doing right now, you’re not being productive. I promise it will be more interesting than writing this.

I used the word ‘productive’ twelve times in this article.

Now that’s a productive use of the word ‘productive’. Fuck it. I’m having a wank.

Monday 6th January 2014

12

science facebook.com/bathimpact

The complexity of modern cars Written by Jack Donovan

jaguarmena

M

odern cars are packed with more technological marvels than ever before. Almost every component from the bonnet to the bootlid is packed with sensors and actuators, and manufacturers aim to include more gadgets with each new model. The effect of this is that people now expect their cars to play music from their smartphones, tell them where next to turn and keep the cabin temperature at 22 degrees, all while driving across the country at 70 mph. But can a car have too much computing power and more importantly, do we actually need it?

Probably the first major incursions of electronics under the bonnet of a car were electronic ignition and engine management systems, which started to appear in large numbers in the 1970s and 80s. The new components were considered revolutionary at the time; both the reliability and efficiency of engines were vastly improved. These were closely followed by developments in other areas of the car such as electronic climate control and anti-lock brakes.

Since then, a huge number of devices have appeared with the aims of increasing performance, improving driver safety or making the in-car environment more comfortable. Manufacturers’ R&D departments have more engineers with laptops than with spanners, and the list of things that cannot be done in a car becomes ever shorter. In fact, many customers would now be disappointed if their brand new car could not park itself.

However, there are dangers associated with all this gadgetry; RoSPA, the wonderfully-named Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents, lists in-car distractions as the cause of 2.1 per cent of all accidents in the UK, with another 0.2 per cent attributed to the use of mobile phones. It’s enough

Car dashboards are becoming more and more complicated: possibly confusing and endangering drivers

of a danger doing something like changing a tape (yes, my car is old enough to have a cassette player) when you don’t have to hunt through menus on a separate screen. From experience, I know that it is possible to search for a good few seconds to find even basic functions in some cars. While manufacturers and the majority of drivers accept that trying to change the colour of the ambient mood lighting is something best done whilst sitting in the driveway, there will always be those few who decide otherwise. With the trend for increasingly complex infotainment systems, it is difficult to see these percentages decreasing.

On the other hand, there are those who argue that driver aids such as stability control take the skill out of driving by robbing them of the ability to find the limits of the car or, in the case of systems like adaptive cruise control, even removing control from the driver. This is a fair point for

situations like track day driving, where having fun by going as fast as possible in a contained environment is the main objective. However, out in the real world, deteriorating road surfaces and all sorts of other unknowns can crop up, so it is useful to have a safety net should those limits accidentally be exceeded.

There are, of course, those who think that electronics are overrated, and that we would all be better off driving Morris Minors or Ford Escort Mk3s. While I can vouch for at least one example of the latter being a fast, comfortable and reliable machine, given the choice between the Escort and a brand new Focus, I know which one I would pick for an impromptu jaunt to Snowdonia.

While it may be difficult to determine exactly where in-car electronics are going and which features are on their way, what is for sure is that gadgets in cars are here to stay.

Beware the filthy Europeans Written by Sam Yeo

and increase renewables by 15 per cent. Furthermore, the UK has imposed upon itself the first legally binding climate change target set for 2050; to reduce greenhouse gas emissions by 80 per cent from the 1990 baseline, under the 2008 Climate Change Act.

According to the data provided by the Department of Energy and Climate Change (DECC) the UK has emitted 779.9 million tonnes of carbon dioxide and/or equivalent greenhouse gases (MtCO2e) from the 1990 baseline which, compared to the levels in 2011 of 552.6 MtCO2e, is a decrease in emissions by 29.1 per cent in greenhouse gases. As a result, the UK has already met the EU 20:20:20 policy regarding reductions in GHG emissions; however, there are concerns as to whether this truly is a reduction, as over the past couple of decades the UK has exported much of its manufacturing to other countries like China. Is the UK just relocating its emissions? Nevertheless, the target to reduce GHG

Arnold Paul

C

urrently the United Kingdom lives in a very uncertain time, in which energy security and carbon emissions are major concerns. If not properly addressed and tackled, the economic, political and environmental consequences will be severe. The six main greenhouse gases (GHG) that are found to contribute most to global warming are carbon dioxide, methane, nitrous oxide, hydrofluorocarbons, perfluorocarbons and sulphur hexafluoride; as defined by the Kyoto Protocol.

Ambitious energy targets have been imposed on the UK from the European Union (EU) in legislation referred to as the EU 20:20:20 policy. This policy aims to reduce greenhouse gas emissions by 20 per cent, increase the use of renewables by 20 per cent and increase energy efficiency compared to the 1990 baseline by the year 2020. The EU has broken down these targets into the individual state members, with the UK required to contribute to a reduction of 16 per cent in GHG emissions

emissions by 80 per cent by 2050 still looms.

When considering Britain’s ability to reach the 2050 targets, it is important to understand the makeup of our energy portfolio, our ability to generate low-carbon alternatives and our reliance on external alternatives such as energy trading with the continent. Since 1990, many of our dirty coal power stations have been replaced with cleaner gas stations, and we have interconnected with the continent, effectively annihilating our past status as a self-contained island of energy. This means that we can run our power stations at lower base loads and buy cheap energy from the continent to meet demands, effectively offsetting our carbon by dumping it on cleaner countries such as France.

In many respects, the easiest aspect of carbon reduction has been achieved. Optimisation and offsetting can no longer produce the desired emissions savings. The remaining 50 per cent poses a much larger challenge, as it represents a large scale physical change to the electricity network we have today. As of today, the only green solutions we have are nuclear or renewable energy, each of which comes with a plethora of issues in both the technical and public domain.

The issues inherent with decarbonisation make it a topic politicians love to promise but fear to deliver on. A problem ignored is, however, not a problem solved. We can only go on for so long decommissioning coal and gas stations without replacing the lost generation.

With the current technology options not posing an attractive solution, investing in sustainable technologies and creating effective policies will have a major influence for the future of energy within the UK. It is essential that there is a clear and defined plan of investment put in place in order to reach the 2050 targets, lest we find ourselves in the position where we cannot exploit future technologies, or secure and control the ever-inflating cost of energy within Britain from the filthy Europeans.

Monday 6th January 2014

science

13

Darius N

facebook.com/bathimpact

Prof Science: The physics of snowflakes

D

ear Professor Science, snow is such a strange substance - why does water fall to the ground in this form and not just as hail or rain? –

Fridjfot

P

erhaps you have recently been blessed with this wonderful miracle of nature, or perhaps you are still waiting in anticipation for the first of this winter season – snow. Although its appearance on this wonderful island frequently causes traffic chaos and a massive headache for any traveller, let’s be honest, the first snowfall of the season awakens the inner child in most of us. After all, who could pass on a good snowball fight, sledging down the freshly powdered hills and building the iconic figure of winter, a snowman?

But have you ever stopped for a moment in the snowjolly fun-time and pondered the mysteries of snowflakes, like Johannes Kepler over 400 years ago?

In 1611 Kepler published ‘On the six-cornered snowflake’, the first scientific reference to snow crystals, in which he pondered the question of why snow crystals always exhibit a six-fold symmetry.

Snow is basically ice. But snow crystals are not frozen rain drops. The life of a snow crystal starts with water vapour rising into the air from bodies of water. High above the ground this vapour is cooled down and condenses onto fine dust particles in the air, just as it would as dew on the plants on the ground. Together billions of these droplets form clouds. Only when the air temperature drops below -10°C, do some of the droplets start

to freeze, forming small ice crystals surrounded by the remaining liquid water droplets in the cloud. The crystal grows as water vapour condenses onto its surface. As the ice crystal grows larger, the remaining water droplets slowly evaporate and put more water vapour into the air.

This is how a cloud freezes.

As the crystals descend towards the ground, air temperatures may warm up to several degrees above 0°C causing the crystals to melt around the edges. Several snow crystals stick together to form snowflakes of various different shapes and sizes. On colder days, however, the crystals remain frozen and fall as powdery snow instead.

It can never be too cold to snow. However, it can be too dry to snow. The extremely cold Dry Valleys in Antarctica, for example, form the largest snow-free region of the continent because the strong winds whisk away any moisture in the cold air.

When snow crystals are very small, they form simple hexagonal shapes, such as prisms. Only as they grow larger do stunning patterns of intricate branches sprout from the corners.

The six-fold symmetry is dictated by the chemistry of water. When water freezes into ice, the water molecules stack together to form a regular crystalline lattice. In fact water can freeze into several different shapes of lattice depending on temperature and pressure. ‘Normal ‘ conditions found in the Earth’s atmosphere seem to favour hexagonal rings. It is this six-fold symmetry at the molecular level that ultimately determines the symmetry of snow crystals.

Molecular forces pull the water molecule towards the inside of the lattice, but some of the water molecules bound in the hexagonal rings on the edge of the lattice are exposed on the surface. These molecules on the edge form ‘faces’ with either one or two water molecules of

each ring exposed. Water molecules in the vapour surrounding the crystal can only bind to rough faces that have two water molecules of each hexagon exposed, as there are more chemical bonds available. These faces are, relatively speaking, fast-growing. Fast growing faces get eliminated and cause the remaining faces to meet at 120° angles forming a perfectly symmetrical six-sided crystal.

Because the corners stick out from the faces, water molecules in the vapour surrounding the growing crystal are more likely to reach them before the faces. With more water molecules reaching the bump, it grows faster and faster. Eventually it grows into a branch. Bumps on the branch in turn grow into sidebranches and complexity is born.

However, nature is not perfect and most snow crystals large enough for us to notice are far from the perfectly symmetrical hexagonal shapes. For the crystal to grow into a perfect six-pointed star the crystal needs to grow thin and broad, the corners need to grow faster than the faces, but at nearly the same rate. These three things do not always happen. As the crystal moves through the air it experiences different conditions, including minute changes in temperature, wind speed and water saturation, each affecting its growth. No two crystals experience the same conditions. So, no two snow crystals are ever alike.

We know all this, because in the 1950’s, a Japanese researcher, Ukichiro Nakaya, developed a method to artificially grow snow crystals and study the effect of different environmental conditions on crystal growth. There are still plenty of mysteries around the snow crystal that remain unsolved. Snow crystals are very simple examples of self-assembly. Without a blue-print or guide they form into beautifully complex structures quite literally out of thin air.

14

Monday 6th January 2014

society facebook.com/bathimpact

The life and times of Nelson Mandela Mandela started his campaign in front of a frenzy of photographers when he set fire to his pass book, the badge of all apartheid shame, with a big smile on his face. This encouraged tens of thousands of black people across South Africa to follow suit and marked the first mass demonstration against apartheid.

Gave a speech to the ANC’s elders, eerily predicting he would become the first black president of South Africa.

Nomzamo Winifred Madikizela marries Nelson Mandela. Winni’s bride’s father warned his daughter: “If your man is a wizard then you must become a witch.”

Mandela became commander in chief of the ANC’s military wing, Umkhonto we Sizwe, which translates as ‘Spear of the Nation’.

Mandela’s revolutionary spirit led to his arrest and subsequent time spent in prison for 27-and-a-half years, 18 years of which were spent on Robben Island. Despite popular belief, Mandela did not receive the death sentence but instead life imprisonment.

Mandela is released from prison after pressure both within South Africa itself and internationally from both blacks and more liberal whites worldwide.

18th July 1918

1952 Mid-1950s 1958 1961

1962

1990

Mandela’s work to end the apartheid won him the Nobel peace prize.

1993

Elected President of South Africa.

1994

Mandela is able to convince the black population to back the majority white South African team in the Rugby World Cup.

1995

Mandela married his third wife on his 80th birthday, the following year he stepped down as President of the ANC

1998

Term as President comes to an end. Does not run for re-election.

1999

Dies

5th December 2013

Facts about Mandela: • Many South Africans refer to Mandela as Madiba, a name used by members of his Thembu clan. The use of the tribal name, which comes from an ancestral chief, is a sign of respect and affection and is now used by both South Africans and non-South Africans all over the world.

• Mandela had ‘blue blood’: his father was a local chief, and his great-grandfather was king of the Xhosa-speaking Thembu tribe. The young Mandela would not have inherited the throne but was expected to become a councillor in the royal household. He had a relatively privileged background and admitted to having quite a ‘stuck-up’ attitude towards the other pupils at Clarkebury, the best boarding school in the Thembuland region.

• Mandela loved boxing and trained quite seriously as an amateur heavyweight and sparred with professional fighters including Jerry Moloi, a contend-

er for South African lightweight champion. Mandela praised the “noble art”, saying: “Boxing is egalitarian. In the ring, rank, age, color, and wealth are irrelevant... I never did any real fighting after I entered politics. My main interest was in training; I found the rigorous exercise to be an excellent outlet for tension and stress.”

• Mandela remained on the US terrorist list until 2008 because of his work against the apartheid regime. Margaret Thatcher called the ANC a “typical terrorist organisation” and refused to support sanctions against apartheid South Africa.

It was not until 2008, after Mandela had served as South Africa’s first black president and won the Nobel Peace Prize, that George Bush eventually removed ANC members from automatic inclusion on the ANC’s watch list.

ANC.org

Born

Mvkulkarni23

Written by Alex Egan

Monday 6th January 2014

shallot

15

bite news Things which may have, but at the same time definitely did not, happen.

Ernst Van de Beek Not a racist

T

he ministry of cultural affairs released a press statement today in which it announced its plan to promote diversity in the objects used for stoning. The spokesman was quoted as saying “In today´s modern times it is hard to keep your traditions exactly the same. People nowadays perceive stoning to be old fashioned. Some even call for its abolition. I believe that with a couple adjustments, we can preserve this beautiful ritual and still maintain the essence of what a good stoning is all about.”

In response to a question what objects would be the focal point of the promotional campaign, the spokesman responded “[T]here are lots of people at the cutting edge of the development of the ritual that have invented new and exciting ways for anyone to meet a gruesome death. Just last week. A woman was stoned to death using iPads. I personally think that using one ritual to both execute someone and make a statement on the moral bankrupcy of the kapitalist infidel west is a great way to show initiative. Killing two birds with

one stone, if you will.”

However, not everyone is as elated about the changes to the cultural phenomenon.

Imam Abdul Missusal-tetaim, spokesperson for a committee of concerned religious leaders said “It is an outrage.

If everyone can just willy-nilly choose what items they want to be stoned with the whole thing will just become an absurd enterprise. Stoning is a serious matter, and I will not be ridiculed by having to stone someone using skittles and jelly beans.”

The spokesperson for the ministry responded to these concerns by stating “It is true there have been some groups that have raised concerns over the changes. They claim that there has been a noticeable increase in requests for death by teddybear, or washcloth. Apparently these objects do not have the required effect on the stonee and I can imagine it to be quite distracting if the object of your righteous wrath is giggling all the while through the ritual. Added to this nuisance the inordinate amount of time it takes to complete the stoning this way has led the ministry to see that guidelines need to be implemented in order to regulate the chang-

U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service Headquarters

Getting stoned on the roads of change

Death from above, death from above has become rife recently , thank god for the USA outlawing stoning

es in the proceedings.”

The spokesman was unclear as to the way these guidelines would take shape. When asked if the new regulations for the ritual would spark a rebrand-

ing of the whole phenomenon, the spokesperson replied “[T] he ministry will most likely not rebrand the ritual as it will be confusing to those on both sides of the stone. We be-

lieve in small changes, so for now the name will remain unchanged. This way all participants will know what they are in for, even if they end up using other objects.”

Ben Cochrane The Channel Islands

A

sock, 4, has gone missing in the Bath area. It was last seen at 14:00 GMT on Tuesday 26th November. The main body of the sock is light blue with pictures of Thomas the Tank Engine on it and had a darker heel and toe. The owner Richard Stroker, 47, said he was incredibly worried for the sock’s welfare and made a plea to the general public on the Thursday morning, just two days after the sock’s disappearance. He said, “this sock has been of great use to me in the past and out time together was not meant to have ended so soon.”

When asked why the sock was so special, Mr Stroker replied hastily, “none of your business!” and left swiftly after. His lawyer then released a statement saying that the nature of the relationship between the sock and Mr Richard Stroker was not solely “limited to the feet and that the sock had been used in different and more personal ways.” The exact details of which have not yet been released. The twin sock also released a heart-

warming statement telling us that a sock cannot exist on its own but as a pair. When asked what life was without its twin, the sock simple started to cry.

After calming down, the sock informed us that Mr Stroker had been so traumatised by the situation that sometimes he puts the remaining twin on the wrong foot, the sock said it felt like stroking a dog the wrong way. The sock also revealed to us that he thought is twin might have been abused by the owner Mr Stroker. “We were always worn on a Thursday. Winnie the Pooh on a Monday, Tigger on the Tuesday, Teletubbies on the Wednesday, Scooby Doo on the Friday, The Muppets on Saturday and plain black ones on a Sunday. After work on a Thursday, he [Mr Stroker] would go by the local school and show us off to the children there. It was nice because we got some fresh air and the children would be very friendly and always came and say hello. Then we would return home and he [Mr Stroker] would take me off and throw me in the dirty wash basket with the Minions from Despicable Me boxers, but he would take my twin with

Pinguino

Insockrection, a funny affair

“Socks! Run out again! ... Still; for me, socks are like sex: tons of it about, and I never seem to get any”

him. Five minutes later he would return with the sock and throw it in the basket too.” The sock didn’t wish to continue but we managed to find out from the Despicable Me boxers that the sock returned in an awful state and was often tacky and over the

period of about a year became incredibly stiff inside. Mr Stroker has yet to comment on this, but he is due to release a statement later today. The police have stated they won’t be mounting an investigation, as they “don’t give a flying toss” When asked why,

they simply replied: “because it’s a sock,” and said there are more important things to worry about such as “terrorism.” If you have any information on the sock’s whereabouts, please contact Bath and North East Somerset Police on 0800 555 111.

16

Monday 6th January 2014

13 Best Things Of 2013

2013

facebook.com/bathimpact

Gaming

B Gaming Weather

What happened last year?! Amazingly the summer was actually sunny!Yay! I saw more topless middle aged men than any other year which directly correlates with more sun and as more sun equals more endorphins it should correlate that more people had an awesome summer so that’s good! Who knows though, maybe the increased endorphins are a result of more topless middle aged blokes? Either way more people should have been happier and that’s all good by me! Added bonus for winter being wintery, spring being springy and autumn being autumny too. Awesome effort mother nature!

T.V

T.V was awesome last year. That is a fact. The American box set favourites took away hours of my life and I’m sure yours too as they consistently provided some of the most beautiful moments ever shown on television screens. Last year saw the end of one of the 21st centuries great shows in ‘Breaking Bad’ and if anyone here watches ‘Game of Thrones’ I imagine your still reeling from the red wedding episode which still remains one of the most emotionally hard hitting episodes of television I’ve ever seen. ‘Arrested Development’ also returned on Netflix which was always going to be good news so well done to T.V! Awesome stuff!

Well where do I start?! ‘The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug’ finally lived up to its hype after the somewhat disappointment of the last Hobbit outing. ‘Gravity’ was an absolutely thriller having me at the edge of my seat for the entire film and ‘12Years a Slave’ was absolute raw, emotional poetry from Steve McQueen (the director, not the deceased movie star who jumped over fences on motorbikes) .The genius of Alexander Payne also returned with the fantastic ‘Nebraska’. And J.J Abrams got onboard as director of the new Star Wars films which with auditions being held in Bristol could lead to a West Country Jedi! Amazing! Truly a classic year for films.

What a year for comedy, last year was too. The amazing Joe Wilkinson from the fantastic ‘Two Episodes of Mash’ went from cult favourite to mainstream TV star which I was very happy to see but ultimately I can’t talk about comedy in 2013 without talking about one man. That man is Russell Brand. Love him or hate him Russell Brand’s influence is huge and from the man who’s greatest achievement five years ago was being the Sun’s ‘Shagger of theYear’ he has now matured his comedic style to become a genuinely intellectual comedian in the mould of Bill Hicks. Not quite as good as Hicks yet (in my opinion) but I predict in a few years he’ll be talked about in the same breath. ‘Cuckoo’, ‘Girls’ and the last series of ‘Horrible Histories’ also regularly had me in stitches so all round it has to be said that 2013 was a truly great one for the comedy world.

Well, a mixed bag for music last year I suppose. One the one hand it gave us twerking. But the less said about that the better. On the other hand however Daft Punk and Pharell Williams blew the pop world to smithereens with ‘Get Lucky’ featuring Nile Rogers. And with excellent albums by James Blake, Laura Marling and Foals the UK’s music scene also had a very decent year. Even greater to see though (to me at least) was the success of Record Store Day with thousands all around Britain diving into their local independent record stores to see what gems they could find. Beautiful, it was. Special mention to the sad passing of Lou Reed too. The world lost a true master of his craft. Lou Reed, you shall be missed.

All you need to know about sport last year is that Cardiff City got promoted! Bluebirds! On a less biased note however New Zealand continued their dominance in international rugby union with a historic win in every game of the last calendar year whilst a largely Welsh Lions made history with a fantastic 2-1 series win over Australia. The Champions League had many an upset last year too and truly signaled the resurgence of the Germans in European club football with the final being played out between Borussia Dortmund and Bayern Munich. Chris Frome and Team Sky also continued their dominance on the road with the Tour de France being won by the British team two years in a row now. All in all, 2013 was a very good year for sport. Lets just not talk about the Ashes!

Well what a year for literature it was too. Morrissey finally released his long awaited autobiography and it actually turned out to be pretty fucking good. Sadly though the world of literature lost one of its greats in Seamus Heaney. He may be gone but his works will live forever. Long let them inspire the next generation of Seamus Heaney’s.

Internet

Well for a start ‘GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY PENIS - Epic Australian Man Arrested’ arrived on Youtube last year and I guarantee it’ll be the greatest Youtube video you’ll ever see. So watch it immediately! I don’t think you’ll ever be able to describe a chinese meal as anything less than succulent for a very long time! ‘Are you waiting to receive my limp penis’ being another awesome phrase he has now given us! Secondly, Macaulay Culkin from Home Alone came up with an amazing tribute band to ‘Nico and the Velvet Underground’ with ‘The Pizza Underground’ whose songs turn some of the Velvets classics into minute long odes to P-I-Z-Z-A. Seriously it’s one of the most surreal yet one of the most sublime things I’ve ever heard! Go listen!

Politics

Well done Science you cheeky devil you! I don’t think enough people love science but I do and I love this awesome thing called the Odon device which was made by former mechanic Jorge Odon and is basically a mechanical childbirth instrument that since being introduced in 2013 is expected to save millions of mothers and children's lives in the third world in the future. Awesome! In other scientific news NASA’s rover Curiosity discovered some pretty awesome things such as finding ancient martian lakes and isn’t that just the best?!

Politics didn’t have a great 2013 let’s be honest. What with Vladimir Putin being a major dick to all homosexuals living in Russia right now and us losing one of the greatest people to have ever graced the political landscape in Nelson Mandela. However, I do think it is important to celebrate the life of Mandela as much as it is to mourn his death. He made the world a better place to live and his story of believing in hope when the darkness was all encompassing is something I think we can all take something from. He did not single handedly end apartheid, he did not single handedly win South Africa the rugby world cup in 1995 and he was most certainly not holier than now but he gave people all around the world hope that we can build a better world. And it takes someone very special indeed to do that. I only hope that with people once again talking about Mandela’s life that a young life somewhere in the world is being inspired by the great man and is now inspired to change the world for the better as he did. And with places like New Zealand legalising gay marriage in 2013 it is nice to see Mandela’s goal of a more equal world is being realised so well done New Zealand (and other countries which have passed similar bills)!

Bath

Science

Literature

Sport

Music

Comedy

Okay, I admit it. I’m biased. I’m a massive gamer, but even the most ambivalent to the world of gaming would have to admit that if they looked at gaming last year it had made some of the most incredible leaps forward this year in relation to its field. For a start a whole new generation of consoles was unleashed on the public with the PS4 and Xbox One both selling absolutely shed loads since being released but as it is both early days for these consoles this is not where I think gaming improved the most last year. Instead I think it improved the most in that most important aspect of gaming, the games. Last year was a truly vintage one for games and anyone who puts money on either ‘The Last Of Us’, ‘Grand Theft Auto 5’ or ‘Bioshock: Infinite’ to win the top Game of the Year awards is a very brave person. For truth be told these were some of the best games this generation has ever experienced let alone the best games of last year. So well done to games in 2013, they were awesome!

Films

efore we start let me first give a word of warning. Despite the title, these aren’t actually the 13 best things of 2013. I know that completely goes against the idea of the article but the truth is there is a lot that I just don’t know. And thus these are things that I think have been awesome in 2013. For instance, you may have fallen in love this year or finally done that thing you dreamed of doing for the past ten years and neither of those have been included because they are your experience and I had no idea those things even happened to you. But congratulations if they did! Enough of the waffle though lets get down to the meat of this truly awesome year.

Bath also had a great year! John Cleese gave an intimate Q&A session which I was lucky enough to be present at. Mary Berry switched on the christmas lights which were all twinkly and nice and the X-mas markets were perfectly delightful in every way. The Bath Brew House also opened last year and I advise that if you didn’t go there last term then go there this term. It’s bloomin’ great! All round Bath can pat itself on the back after another great year.

So there we have it. 13 things I think have been awesome this year. I’m sure you may your own list and I’m glad that you do but I hope whoever you are that we can both agree on one thing and that is 2013 was a pretty awesome year. Here’s to 2014 being just as good!

Written by Alexander Ilija Coles

Monday 6th January 2014

fashion

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Winter Fashion on Campus facebook.com/bathimpact

On a sunny Monday morning whilst you were all reluctantly making your way to and from lectures we were subtly on the lookout for Bath’s most stylist students.

As the weather has dropped, the clothes have gotten bigger and thicker.

You are layering up, (a jumper, a hoodie, and a jacket all in one!), adding thick fur, polo necks, and warm hats.

Here are some of our favourites!

Black is always in and this outfit is monochromatic, in a very good way. Give her a motorbike, a cigarette and send her to Paris.

Look at all these clothes he’s wearing.

There’s some good beige suede shoes going on and jackethoodie combos are rad.

This shows turtlenecks can be used for good as well as evil. Is it a shirt or is it a jacket? I don’t think it matters. Is he hiding his foot for a terrifying reason? The answer to all of these questions is IT’S COOL OKAY.

Love her smile.

This fluffy cutie pie above is also doing great things with a turtleneck.

I’m going to need to know where your hat is from... please send details. x

The fur and lace are giving us a vintage feeling. It’s a look that hints to a “vintage” decade, but not tethered to any particular one, which makes this look versatile and a good look on any winter’s day.

This one is working a bold neon dress and some on-trend boots. It’s good to have some sunshine (in clothing-form) in such cloudy times. Well done for that.

Monday 6th January 2014

fashion facebook.com/bathimpact

Bath RAG were on the lookout for the next Cara or Kate when they held their casting session on 5th December for the fashion event of the year; Bath RAG charity fashion show. Taking place in the prestigious Bath Assembly Rooms on Thursday 3rd April 2014, whether a professional model, an amateur poser or simply a selfie queen; 40 hopefuls turned up for their chance to strut their stuff on the catwalk.

Those lucky enough to be chosen will have the chance to be involved in a “once in a lifetime opportunity” with the ability to display the latest clothes from stores around Bath in front of a huge audience, have hair and make-up done by professionals, attend model-only socials and promotional photo shoots plus much more!

Tickets go on sale Thursday 3rd April which will include free entry to the after party and a goodie bag, but be quick, it’s sure to be a sell out!

Giulia Spadafora

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Monday 6th January 2014

social

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facebook.com/bathimpact

Monkey see Monkey do Monkey see Y

ou’ll find it happens with the people whom you don’t suspect; as you start to see the same people more often they begin to creep up in social standing from acquaintance, to friend, to a love that you reassure yourself is purely platonic and you try to laugh off before things get weird. So naturally you share contact details, become Facebook friends or follow them on Twitter, and essentially begin converging anywhere they can penetrate your online life with their own thoughts and conversations (which you think should now be interesting because you’re sort of ‘friends’ and all). Sometimes it seems fine for a while with the occasional picture tag or ‘like’, until you start to notice a trend in their posts or comments.

At that moment you may wonder if it’s one of three things; an ingenious ‘frape’, a mistake resulting in adding the wrong person, or one of their (split) personalities is hopelessly stupid. Unfortunately, the latter is the most accurate of the immediate responses to seeing something that makes you wonder if you lost a few precious IQ points in the process of reading; increasingly it is apparent that many people’s brains switch off at exactly the moment they reach a keyboard.

You may start by asking yourself how someone who seems like such an intelligent person with nearly infinite knowledge at their fingertips can manage to ask

such mind numbingly stupid questions (being the judgemental person you are), or who seems like such a well cultured, interesting person can post such obvious hoaxes from clearly disreputable websites (www.itsthetruthiswearjesustoldme. com). While being subtle and difficult to avoid, the most surprising is when people can seem perfectly literate or even eloquent in person, there’s just something about being at a computer makes them type as if they are missing fingers or have keys that spontaneously change their positions. If it would take an infinite amount of time and an infinite number of monkeys to write the complete works of Shakespeare, then these kind of posts you could probably generously give say, 3 monkeys 5 minutes. On broken typewriters. Wearing boxing gloves. Under a monkey freedom of speech suppressing regime.

Posting chain messages, ‘enough likes for world peace, share to save a panda with cancer and ignore if you hate babies’ or ‘frapes’ that embarrass only the people who wasted their time and the good opportunity writing them, are all the more depressing when you realise you actually know and like these people.

The biggest issue however, is not how to stop yourself seeing particular posts but is that people seem to not realise how an online profile is built around a person,

Simon Greig (xrrr)

Written by Terry Thomas

In this modern day metaphor, the monkey is you. Or just all of us. Oh, god. IDK.

and how much more powerful it is than the impressions manifested purely on real life interactions and with that comes a risk of judging people too harshly on their online persona. Perhaps it’s because it’s easier to let your guard down when posting online or perhaps people forget that once something is on the internet...it’s on the internet. Equally it could either be that the impression is false as text is harsh and

more difficult to justify or that it brutally exposes an otherwise hidden part of their personality that doesn’t usually so easily come across.

With the introduction of personal computers with easy access to photo and video editing, ‘the camera never lies’ is an inaccurate reverse-truth, however in its wake, introduced is perhaps a new idea that the keyboard never lies.

Not just money down the plughole Written by Gemma Isherwood

creativedc

B

efore I begin, I’ll preface this piece thus: yes, it’s a shameless Plug (get it?) for the bar, but it’s also something I think is justified after spending three years drinking in the same place.

The Plug and the Tub, always spoken of with an edge of the ‘dad joke’ sigh, has vastly improved since my first year.

In 2010, on my first day, I walked into Elements (now the Tub) to pick up my Freshers’ Week stash. The room was big, empty and pretty boring. There were no booths, just a snaking queue of little freshers scattered across the floor. Considering that the nightclub part of the SU was signposted as part of the ‘brand new student centre’, you could tell it hadn’t been given quite the level of refurb love that other parts of Norwood had received.

The Plug was a little more lively; there were people milling around drinking lemonade, everyone seemed pretty chilled but, at the same time, there was something of a spark missing in the atmosphere.

Fast forward to my second year and, suddenly there are printed menus on the tables, flyers for club nights and some shiny new branding which, although not everyone’s cup of tea, has really helped the bar to advertise more. I was aware of more events happening, there were suddenly more people around all the time and a real buzz that made me want to spend time there, rather than just seeing it as a route through from the Student

Here’s a picture of a bath. Because it was necessary, really. Puns, eh? Lovely.

Centre to the SU corridor.

Now I’m in final year, there’s more than ever going on. The new decor has stood the test of time and still looks great, the Starbucks at the end of the bar (despite my personal vendetta against the chain) is my go-to for a cuppa in the morning because I know the money is going back into the SU to help with all the things I do here. There are still loads of events going on, there are students around all the time, Plug is comfortable and friendly – and there are salads and frozen yogurt on the menu now, so you can stop with your healthy food vendetta.

As well as all the daytime improvements, the club nights are selling almost 17,000 tickets each year – that’s 5,000 more students than we have enrolled at the University and I’m impressed at the upkeep of such good attendance week on week. The new Tub layout is also doing the bar huge favours – not only does it make the club nights less of a fight for seating, it avoids the old Friday night problem of ‘Theory’ looking like an awkward, bare-dancefloored, Year 7 school disco. I’m a fan of everything except the lack of lighting and, honestly, that’s not something I’m going to waste my time being annoyed at.

Sure, I sound like I’m being paid to blow trumpets, but to be honest I know what I look for in a bar, club, meeting place and eatery. If I’m getting all of that plus cheap drinks and it’s all going back into the SU doing stuff for me, I ain’t gonna complain.

Monday 6th January 2014

music

Sam Short

facebook.com/bathimpact

Luke L. Peel

e i c v i s e u R M e v i L

s w

Tom Walters thisisfakediy.co.uk

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Live Review: Slow club written by Holly Narey

S Live Review: Hudson Taylor written by Zach Wynne

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t their recent show in Bristol, London based indie rock band, Yuck proved once again to be the hydra of myth and legend. Reeling from the loss of their original lead singer in early April, 2013, the band had continued in the face of adversity; recording a new album and touring heavily to support it. In Daniel’s place vocals have been taken up by original guitarist Max Bloom and shy, retiring bass player Mariko Doi, both backed as ever by the mighty American Jonny Rogoth on drums. Rhythm guitar has fallen to new kid on the block Ed Hayes.

The set itself was a whirl through material off both their debut and new album, highlights including Mariko’s piercing rendition of ‘The Wall’ , the psychedelic orgy of ‘Rebirth’ and New Order cover ‘Age of consent’ (Made all the more entertaining by the failed stage dive from a Bristol student. I tip my hat to your attempt good sir.) But throughout all of it something was missing. The music was perfect, it was beautiful, it was melodic, it echoed through the chambers of your mind.

But no one ever took control of the show. Both Mariko and Max are not yet frontman material. While the songs

had energy and bite it wasn’t brought across by them as people, out of the entire band it was drummer Jonny who seemed to click most with the crowd, yet still they were left a ship without a captain, musically intact but not quite there. Someone needs to step forward and seize control of it all.

All of that aside though the set was bloody good. The vast majority of the crowd were students, new comers to Yuck’s particular brand of psychedelic shoegaze and they were drawn into this little world, a cosmic escape from this earthbound existence.

Support act Polterghost also far outstripped expectations ripping into overdriven guitar and a unique vocal style from the first bars of new song ‘Holy Smoke’, combining elements of Husker Du and something darker, heavier that escapes description. Definitely another one to watch.

For fans of Surfer Blood, Wavves, Cloud Nothings and Elliot Smith, Yuck is definitely worth a few minutes of your time. For the casual listener check out ‘Rebirth’ and ‘Get away’, for the more adventurous track down the video of ‘Rubber (at room 205)’. Adios y’all. Xx

ummer 2011. Riots rolled across London, Amy Winehouse sang her final song, and three boys met up for a jam in quiet Chichester.

Adam and Leigh, old friends from college, met Stu at a club-night he was running, became friends, and decided to give playing together a try. After their first, incredibly successful jam session, Stu made the seemingly natural transition from club-night frontman to band frontman. They wrote, they played shows, and in September 2013 their debut album, Grin, was released. Shortly after this they made their way to Moles, in our own dear city, and I was lucky enough to be there. After conducting a thoroughly enjoyable interview (coming up in a future issue), enjoying a drink with the boys (who I first met six years ago under very different circumstances), and watching one of the best live shows I’ve seen in a long time, I bought the album and took it home.

A deep carmine pink, the 12” LP is a delight to the eyes, not just the ears. From the first moment of distorted guitar the album has its own fierce attitude, opening with the misleadingly chilled Swimming Pool, a gentle introduction to their post-punk, krautrock-esque style.

They’re tight, but in such a laidback way they manage to make it sound easy. This leads on to the louder Demons, a lament about a topic familiar to us all – the misery of being broke and the unpleasant temptations it may bring with it.

Things speed up further in Flowers, a song that tempts listeners to join

in with the up-tempo, refrain about slapdash, blasé love; “I don’t even know your number, and I don’t even know your name”. Things slow down for a much-needed break in Head Roll, with a wonderfully hypnotic interlude of several minutes, but one that you never want to end.

Things launch quickly into their current single, Fibbest, familiar from the radio, and with another catchy chorus about neglect and forgetting. Things get a bit shouty in Reds, a song with drum and bass parts as powerful and unstoppable as a train. The next track, Sleep, is a wailing, pleading song that seems to veer wildly from love to murderous hate, it’s pretty much one big catchy, toe-tapping threat. The title track, Grins, is rough and gritty desert-rock. It slows again to the sadder, lovesick Hands, and then returns to a more careless, manic energy in Loose, a tirade against small-town claustrophobia. The final song, Klaus, is a menacing homage to krautrock, a powerful locomotive of a song driven by a motorik beat and with a stunning outro. Simply delicious.

I’ve listened to the album so many times I’m getting scared of damaging it. It’s a beauty, a feat, and is worth the measly amount of money it costs. TRAAMS Grin is available on vinyl for around £15, and on CD for £8 or thereabouts from most sensible outlets. The boys are heading off on tour supporting Drenge in early 2014, so catch a show when you can.

Monday 6th January 2014

bite facebook.com/bathimpact

Woman’s forehead emerges after years under fringe avrilllllla

Written by Katelyn Ferral

significant.”

Ferral’s forehead unveiling Tuesday, beneath a sheep-dog-like mane in front of her face, is a victory amidst years of isolation under her a brutal totalitarian regime of ever-growing brunette hair, she said. After years of relapses and unnecessary trims, Ferral said she feels like a completely different person now that her forehead is visible. She estimates she’s re-cut at least 10-15 times after vowing to grow her fringe out.

“Sometimes I wouldn’t even know how I got there,” Ferral recanted amid shivers, pausing slowly. “ I…just….I’d just suddenly regain consciousness and I’d be in the salon chair, hearing myself plead with the woman to just cut, and put me out of my misery.”

“But this time, this time I just knew,” she said. “I was in Europe, meeting new people and I just couldn’t live with the fringe of an 8-year-old any longer.”

Ferral has now gone 9 months without cutting her fringe, which she says is a new personal record. Her bangs currently measure at 3.5 inches, and within a few months could potentially be tucked behind her ear, according

to officials.

“I’m happy that I’ve made it this far, but now I feel like I just have to get reacquainted with myself and my forehead again,” she said. “Obviously, that’s a complicated process and will take some time. I just hope other women can also someday find the strength break the cycle of bang, because it’s a vicious one.”

Dr. Peoples, whose book on cosmological cultural trauma patterns and memory politics in the 21st century will be released next week, says Ferral’s forehead phobia is common among women who’ve undergone years of bang trauma.

“It will surely take some time for her to adjust to her face again,” he said. “The transition phase is the most sensitive and vulnerable, but once she gets through it, I know she’ll be OK.” As of press time, Zooey Deschanel and Taylor Swift’s respective foreheads were still hibernating under a long, long sleep, with no immediate signs of resurfacing.

To read more, visit Katelyn Ferral’s blog at http://kfeonline.wordpress. com/ Julio Enriquez

B

ATH—After seven years veiled beneath a thick brunette fringe, a new forehead was spotted Tuesday between bursts of spewing rain on Bath’s High Street.

Authorities have identified the pale, sun-shy forehead as that of 25-year-old American postgraduate student Katelyn Ferral, which has been hidden, along with her eyes, under lovingly manicured bangs of darkness for all of her adult life.

Industry observers say this new discovery of an American female’s forehead abroad is an early sign that that transatlantic cosmological trends may be shifting.

“Ferral’s decision to grow out her fringe is clearly indicative of a larger cultural paradigm shift,” said Dr. Clive Peoples, professor of cultural studies at the University of Bath.

“We see these unrealistic images of women bedecked with bangs, epitomized in Hollywood by Zooey Deschanel and Taylor Swift and these poor young women think, ‘I want to look like them.’ Little do they know they’re setting themselves for years of discontent and inhibited eyesight.

Ferral’s forehead discovery is hugely

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photo

Monday 6th January 2014

Snow on campus

facebook.com/bathimpact

Photography by Pedro Gomes

S

now. It’s white. Sometimes brown, sometimes it’s yellow. But you can always, ALWAYS eat it. So too you can throw it at people. Over the Christmas it has snowed a lot, maybe, and this has happened again. But if it didn’t snow over Christmas (written 12th December 2013) then everything is sad and miserable and this cashpoint is much less entertaining.

No I don’t want a £20 - I’m poor. Fuck off Santander

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Monday 6th January 2014

bathimpact bakeoff facebook.com/bathimpact

The great bathimpact bake-off

Written by Connor McGregor Morton

O

ne fair Saturn’s eve, our lovely Editor-in-Chief and his cohabitants invited me to their basement to ‘eat cake.’ I went with a certain element of trepidation my step, for I had been invited to the dubiously-titled ‘Bake Off’. When I arrived at their abode, I descended the dingy, dark and steep stairway into the basement and was (thankfully) met by a table full of cake and the beaming smiles of my fellow captives. I was then forced to endure the consumption of a decadent, delicious and a massively varied selection of homemade cakes.

Our cocky Features Editor, Tom Ash was certain that eventual victory would go to his triple-chocolate caramel brownies; however, the confident smirk was soon wiped from his face by the arrival of stiff com-

petition from several members of the bathimpact community and associates. bite fashionista Harriet Tangney’s parsnip, pecan and maple syrup cupcakes were so fantastic that mouths literally exploded in a spontaneous orgasm of flavour and presentation. Yes, that’s the original meaning of literally. Newcomer and all-round Argentine dark horse Siân Morgan raised the stakes with a Snickers-inspired layered confection, which alternated caramel, peanut butter and moist chocolate sponge, topped with a judicious helping of revels. Grizzled veterans Steven Pagett of URB fame and Jon Archer (CTV Live) added an element of sophistication to proceedings, bringing to the table a selection of classic mince pies and a valiant effort at a Cornish saffron cake. The man behind the camera, Pe-

dro ‘Jesus’ Gomes, displayed his trademark attention to detail with an intricately constructed gingerbread house which definitely was not the product of a shopbought kit.

The Queen of News, THE Helen Edworthy declared a truce and joined forces with the pretender to the crown, Hollie Christian-Brookes (you know, that girl with the microphone from Score). Together they concocted an ambitious but ultimately doomed attempt at a Nutella microwave cake. Luckily, I’m a disgustingly gluttonous bastard, so I ate it nonetheless. Burnt Nutella, for those not fully initiated in the culinary arts, tastes rather akin to skid mark with a hint of hazelnut.

Last but not least, Master of Ceremonies Sam Yeo conjured up a Black Forest gateau, just in case there hadn’t already been enough chocolate to go around.

Our illustrious Editor-in-Chief bravely offered to make a few pancakes to round off the evening, but by this point several Media members were at severe risk of diabetes. Alas it was insulin pens all round, and thus Monsieur Rushton was left with several pints of batter and his crêpe-flipping dreams sadly unfulfilled.

Monday 6th January 2014

activities facebook.com/bathimpact

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PhotoSoc Competition Gallery 2013 Written by Svenja Bunte

Our second competition had the theme ‘Signs’. We chose Thomas Rookes to be our winner, 4th year student, Chemistry Masters. We like that he thought a bit out of the box on this one!

Our first winner, Nello Formisano, a 2nd year PHD student of Electronic and Electrical Engineering. His brilliant photo is a response to our theme of ‘Reflections’ and it incorporates Bath nicely too!

But we also loved this one by Storm Hayward in 2nd year of the street mime in Bath. All the entries we had were great though, and made us feel nice and festive!

We have had a great turnout for our photo competition so far, and it has been hard to choose a winner every week! But here are our victors for this semester, plus another one of our favourites.

Each winner has been awarded a £5 Plug voucher for their efforts and of course the honour of being published in the pages of bathimpact. We can’t wait to see what everyone in the society comes up with. The competition will be running again from the New Year so keep your eyes peeled for more themes.

Happy 2014 from the Photosoc Committee!

And last but not least our Christmas competition! The winner for this was Rosario Maguey for the lovely picture of the snow globes at the Bath Christmas Market.

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Monday 6th January 2014

sport

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Michael Elleray

Vettel loses... oh wait, nevermind

Written by Anthony Masters

M

any of the pre-season changes to Formula One originally promised a very exciting season. Lewis Hamilton left McLaren – the team that launched his racing career – to join Mercedes. Lewis’ portentous move may have signified his new team were serious about regular wins.

Sergio Perez had shown sparks of brilliance and replaced Hamilton at McLaren; the Woking team was hoping to utilise the Mexican’s talents.

Adrian Sutil returned to Force India, and there was a cornucopia of rookies: Max Chilton and Jules Bianchi took the reins at Marussia; Giedo van der Garde raced for Caterham; Esteban Gutierrez started at Sauber; and Williams had promoted third driver Valterri Bottas, who had demonstrated astonishing speed in many first practice seasons in 2012.

In preparation for major changes in technical changes in 2014, there were small modifications to safety rules, so most F1 cars in 2013 were evolved from their 2012 counterparts.

Tyres became generally softer than their 2012 versions. Pirell’s motorsport director Paul Hembrey said: “The 2013 season continues the philosophy adopted by Pirelli last year in evolving the original 2011 range of Formula One tyres. The goal is to continuously set new challenges for the drivers and to ensure that all the teams start the new season on a level playing field when it comes to the tyres.”

Around the streets of Melbourne, it originally appeared that three teams had obtained the right levels of wear on their tyres: Lotus, Ferrari and Force India. The Australian Grand Prix was a tense strategic battle between Kimi Räikkönen and Fernando Alonso, where the Finn eventually triumphed. Force India picked up 7th and 8th, whilst Lewis Hamilton dashed for fresh rubber near the race’s end, attaining 5th. Defending champion Sebastian Vettel qualified on pole, but was 22 seconds behind Räikkönen by the final lap.

The Red Bulls charged forth in Malaysia.

The furious fight between Vettel and Mark Webber invoked stern words from Team Principal Christian Horner; particularly after both cars were told turn down their engines.

Despite these coded orders, Vettel swept around Mark Webber for the victory. Postrace, Webber snapped at his team-mate: “Multi-21, Seb; Multi-21!”

The Red Bull’s Malaysian dominance was not exported to China: Fernando Alonso took a great win, followed by Räikkönen and the newly-competitive Mercedes of Lewis Hamilton.

The Bahrain race had the exact same podium as in 2012: Vettel took the win, with the Lotus cars of Räikkönen and Romain Grosjean on the next two steps. In Catalunya, Fernando Alonso was powered to a great victory by the cheering Spanish crowd, and his Ferrari team-mate Felipe Massa attained his only podium of the year.

The Spanish race was chaotic, featuring 82 pit-stops. Alonso had succeeded through a rare four-stop strategy, leading to many vocal concerns over the Pirelli tyres, which seemed to have the durability of thin plastic bags. Vettel’s vacillating performances were due to the severe problems that his RB9 was having with tyre wear, despite its aerodynamic superiority.

The Monaco Grand Prix featured a resurgent Nico Rosberg taking the chequered flag, though the Mercedes’s strategy appeared focused on tyre preservation, heavily slowing the rest of the field. Valterri Bottas managed to qualify his inferior Williams car to 3rd on the Canadian GP grid, though Bottas slipped backwards, and did not even finish in the points – over a lap behind racewinner Vettel. Respects are paid to the track marshal at the Montreal race who died from injuries sustained in his duties. Formula One – as with all motorsport – simply would be impossible without the brave work these marshals do.

Britain has managed to consistently provide exciting races, though 2013’s one

will be remembered for decidedly wrong reasons. The British GP was punctuated by delaminating tyres: the unravelling rubber brought out the safety car and ruined the races of Hamilton, Massa and Toro Rosso’s Jean-Eric Vergne.

Vettel suffered his one and only failure of the season whilst leading, handing the victory to Rosberg. The celebrations over these wins were spoiled when it was revealed that Mercedes – in their 2013 car, no less – had taken part in a secret test with Pirelli. As punishment for bringing the sport into disrepute, Mercedes were banned from Pirelli’s remedial test in Silverstone. In Germany, Jules Bianchi’s abandoned car began rolling backwards, instigating an instant safety car. Räikkönen was unable to catch Vettel, so the German had his first home win, with Grosjean holding off Alonso for third.

Tougher tyres were made for the Hungaroring, with numerous new restrictions on the degrees of camber and bans on tyreswapping. The Hungarian GP saw Lewis Hamilton to become the first Brit to win in a Mercedes since Sir Stirling Moss. Grosjean had made an astounding move on Felipe Massa on the outside of Turn 4, but received a drive-through penalty for slightly leaving the track.

After this race, Vettel reached 172 points, with Räikkönen in range with 134 points, Alonso had 133 points and Hamilton had 124.

These revised rules enhanced the Red Bulls, designed by Adrian Newey. Sebestian Vettel won consecutively the last nine races of the year, establishing an astonishing new record, and equalling Michael Schumacher’s 2004 record of 13 wins in a single season. At tracks necessitating high down-force set-ups, like Singapore, Vettel annihilated the competition – building a 22 second lead over Rosberg, after a safety car, in just ten laps.

These revisions had a deleterious impact on other teams, such as Force India, who earned 59 of their 77 points in the first eight

races. Ferrari also came worse off. Neither Mercedes could keep up with Vettel’s new pace, but did attain the silver medal in the Constructors’ Championship. The McLaren’s MP4-28, despite two strong drivers in Jenson Button and Sergio Perez, remained uncompetitive throughout the season, often taking low scoring positions. Only Button’s fourth place in the last race of the season – the Brazilian GP – avoided an historic embarrassment; finally triumphing over the Force India’s VJM06 in the Constructors’ Championship.

Last year, Romain Grosjean was labelled “a first-lap nutcase” by Mark Webber, a charge which was sometimes deserved.

There were even flashes of that dangerous form in Monaco, when his Lotus crashed into the rear wing of Ricciardo’s Toro Rosso.

After the summer break, where Grosjean had a child and sought a psychologist, the Frenchman was dramatically transformed.

Super Grosjean now combined his ferocious pace with delicate and considerate racecraft.

A lack of engine air pressure prevented a second place in Singapore, and Grosjean finished no lower than fourth for five consecutive races. Grosjean led the early laps in Japan, and might have won the Race of the Americas, if only the blue shell of unreliability debilitated Vettel’s winning streak.

Toro Rosso finished the championship in eighth, which was unreflective of the STR8’s competitiveness, designed by James Key. Daniel Ricciardo’s performances have earned him a place at the main Red Bull team. Williams had a despondent year, even being accused by their driver Pastor Maldonado of deliberate sabotage. Both the backmarker teams, Caterham and Marussia, showed impressive reliability.

After a proud career in Formula One, Mark Webber moves to racing Porsche supercars in the World Endurance Championships. With new technical rules and another raft of rookies, 2014 should be a fascinating year.

Turn over a new leaf, join Student Media

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Brazil best buck up Written by Thomas George Brady

Gabriel Smith R

T

he excitement surrounding the 2014 World Cup in Brazil is swiftly being eroded, replaced by an unwelcome sense of both injustice and panic. The stadium which was due to hold the opening fixture of the championships was partly crushed under the weight of a collapsed crane in December. Two were killed; many more raised the seemingly omnipresent questions associated with this particular tournament. Will the Brazilian World Cup be the spectacular carnival of footballing excellence as first thought, or is it a project destined for disaster? And what exactly are the social costs of the event?

We should probably begin with the case for. There is an innate romanticism regarding the staging of the world’s most prestigious football tournament in such a dynamic and vibrant atmosphere, in a country which perennially produces some of the most gifted players on the planet. The local fans are knowledgeable and passionate.

As sport becomes yet another piece of the diverse tapestry of a globalised world, too much of it has become submersed within a sea of endlessly wealthy oligarchs and Sheikhs, and vapid, soulless venues in the Middle Eastern desert. Brazil 2014 promises to be an antidote to this, returning football to a land which has done more for the game than all the billionaire owners combined.

There is of course also a practical argument for the Brazilian championship. Hundreds of thousands of foreign tourists will flock to the city next year, book hotels, drink in local bars and spend their money in

Can Brazil actually pull itself back from the slump that it’s found itself in? Best hope it’s good at working under pressure

the shops and stadia. Foreign investment is likely to soar, as for a month; the eyes of the world will rest on Brazil.

But it is here, when we turn away from sentimentality and begin to examine the tournament through the harsh lens of politics that grave defects emerge. Primarily, the building of the stadia is significantly behind schedule, and the latest catastrophe is likely to aggravate pressure on this front.

However, the problems run discernibly deeper than this. The Brazilian people, for instance, were told that the tournament would be solely financed by private funds; a frankly ludicrous claim that was never properly scrutinised or debated- a sign that the previous generation of a selfish and inept

political class still holds far more influence than it should. Of course, it has transpired that the government does require the input of the taxpayer, at no small expense. Further, the costs of maintaining each stadium will amount to 10 per cent of the total cost, meaning the overall cost will double in 10 years’ time, offsetting any investment benefits the stadia may have brought.

Further outrage has been rightly sparked at the news that 30,000 people have been forced to relocate in order to make room for World Cup developments. The Americas Program of the Centre for International Policy, meanwhile, places the overall estimate at 170,000 people countrywide. A UN report has unveiled that citizens’ rights are

being overlooked and federal laws are being contorted and broken in the process of preparing for the tournament. Horrifying stories of families receiving eviction notices mere hours before their homes are violently repossessed lead us to the question: Is any of this worth it?

No major sporting event occurs without a few bumps along the way. The fiasco into which the 2014 World Cup and even the 2016 Olympics in Rio are quickly descending, though, amount to much more than a few minor hiccups. We will only be able to assess accurately the Brazilian World Cup in the years that follow it. Currently, the picture is bleak, and there is much work to be done.

What the Rugby has taught us Written by Peter Nagle

C

ast your eyes across Europe this autumn and notice the cold bleakness. That’s right in last year’s end of year tests; the Southern Hemisphere teams reigned supreme once again over their Northern counterparts. Unbeaten tours for both the All Blacks and the Springboks demonstrate that these two nations are at the forefront of world rugby. However, gearing towards the 2014 6 Nations, what assessments can we draw upon for each nation as they bid to win Europe’s premier rugby competition.

England showed this year that they are on an upward curve. With a relatively young squad used throughout the autumn, the future is looking bright. Talented players such as Joel Tomkins and Billy Vunipola have shown that they can make the step up at international level. It is beneficial as it shows that England is creating a strong extended squad where competition for places is igniting a competitive atmosphere. Not only is this a good environment going into the 6 Nations, with one eye on hosting the world cup in under 2 years, England are ticking along nicely. Their style of rugby too makes for an entertaining case. Their game plan is modelled on fast ruck play and an expansive game out to the likes of Chris Ashton and Ben Foden. They also have a powerful forward unit with makes them excellent at the set-piece. A good result against Australia, a first half demolition against Argentina and a tremendous fight back just that fell just short against a phenomenal New Zealand outfit, all suggest that England can be confident of 6 Nations success this time round. Their opening game against France is vital and will dic-

tate their campaign.

Wales have had a somewhat mixed campaign. They proved no match for the physical South Africans but played majestically in thumping Argentina 40-6. They have handed many debuts to many young players which can only be a good thing. Although they were uninspiring in beating Tonga 17-7, their performance against Australia made for remarkable match. Wales played well but Australia just played better. And, this seems to be a common problem for Wales as they have now not beaten the Aussies in 9 attempts.

When they play to their potential, Wales are the best team in the Northern Hemisphere but they need to back it up on a regular basis. Their autumn suggests that they have the household names but as a team that bond is perhaps too volatile to control. With away fixtures against Ireland and England, Wales may just fall short of becoming the first side to win the 3 tournament times in a row since the French in 1989.

Moving onto Les Bleus, they too had a mixed autumn. They gave New Zealand and South Africa a scare before going down bravely at the final stretch. Despite great performances, it is coming off on the wrong side of the scoreboard that is perhaps frustrating them the most. The problem with France is that they are extremely inconsistent. For instance, they were World Cup finalists in 2011 but succumbed to last place in last year’s 6 Nations. Says it all, doesn’t it? At times, they are unstoppable. Yet when they play their worst, almost anyone can beat them. Tonga and Italy most recently spring to mind! Their only win this autumn saw them brush off a

spirited Tongan team with ease. Their biggest weakness is that they need a settled fly-half.

Michalak had a disappointing campaign and with the Top 14 flooded with foreign players, this may take time. Nonetheless, expect them in the 6 Nations to put in a terrific performance of some sort only to go and blow it in the next round.

Ireland had the most confusing autumn of any of the home nations. An easy win against a higher ranked Samoa at the time, to be totally undone by a poor showing against Australia. However, their game with New Zealand was easily the game of the autumn.

Their stellar performance against New Zealand leaves the Irish public scratching their heads. No team has ever dismantled the All Blacks the way they did in the first half by scoring 19 unanswered points. New Zealand was simply shell-shocked and came within a whisker of seeing their unbeaten season vanish. For Ireland now, that performance is the benchmark and is something they have to start delivering regularly if they want to be a serious outfit. If they play like that, they could be looking at a 6 Nations title at least. Trips to London and Paris will make that objective all the more difficult though. They do have world-class players and a pipeline of talented youngsters coming through the ranks in the form of Jack McGrath, Dave Kearney, Paddy Jackson and Luke Marshall who all look set to make big impressions in the 6 Nations. Under Joe Schmidt, expect Ireland to pose as a serious threat in next year’s tournament.

For Scotland, it is the same old story.

Apart from their 42-17 rout of Japan, Scotland’s attack is a weakness in that they fail

to score tries at test level. Having been held scoreless by the Springboks, they restored pride against Australia offering a much closer test going down 15-21. Most of their points against the big teams come from penalties.

This has to change if they are serious about winning a 6 Nations title. The potential is there in that they have Lions backs such as Maitland and Hogg. Murrayfield is never an easy place to go and taking a scalp against England or France will be a major incentive for them.

Italy, traditionally the whipping boys of European rugby have had a poor autumn. A solitary win against a poorly disciplined Fiji side is all they have to show after suffering defeats at the hands of the Wallabies and the Pumas. They are an improving team and it may be some more time before they break their SANZAR voodoo. However, they can’t be underestimated after beating France and Ireland this year. Their game against Scotland looks set to be the wooden spoon decider.

Monday 6th January 2014

sport

35

Getting Fit outside of University Fitness First Aquaterra facebook.com/bathimpact

5-10 James Street West BA1 2BX Tel: 0844 5712807

North Parade Road BA2 4ET Tel: 01225 486905

Fitness Fist is a good gym, I think. I went once but had membership for 14 months. I would complain that the people using the gym were too attractive so instead of working as an incentive to get fit, they just made me feel ugly. It smelt of chlorine which is good because I like the smell of chlorine. It is a good gym, but £300 for a 30 minute gym session isn’t really value for money in my book.

Learn from my mistakes. Only join a gym if you’re going to use it.

Gracie Barra Unit 7, Wansdyke Business Park Oldfield Lane Oldfield Park BA2 3LY Tel: 07515 689 559

All the yummy foods over the holidays leave us feeling fed up and most of us undertake the most under-accomplished new year resolution of all, getting fit. So to all those who will attempt and fail, here are some alternative options that you can all take advantage of.

Gracie Barra

While traditional fitness centres are the go-to place to get fit, undiscovered gems are often more than capable of encouraging a healthy lifestyle, which we all seek after the holidays. Gracie Barra in Bath, owned by world-champion Brazilian JiuJistu fighter Salvatore Pace, is undeniably a facility that offers more than meets the eye. Although known as a Brazilian Jiu-jitsu and Mixed Martial Art Academy, it provides a variety of structured classes and personal training during the day and the night that caters for women, men, and professional fighters of all ages. Members attend for a range of reasons including self-defence, getting fit or fighting professionally, but whether your goals are short-term or longterm, Gracie Barra supports individuals and shares tips on nutrition and health for all. An average class is attended by 10 to 15 people, which encourages individual attention while also focusing on warming-up, practicing techniques and sparring. Unlike traditional gyms, Pace’s classes focus on teaching people how to use simple objects and equipment to exercise using their own body weight, which is a skill everyone can take home and utilise. But what about the price you say? Gracie Barra doesn’t operate under year-long contracts, but under flexible monthly packages. Your first lesson is free, and all students get £10 off every month on all packages. So don’t just sit there, give Gracie Barra a visit and find out what it can offer you!

I personally joined this gym was because of the fact I thought that it was a more financially viable option (you pay £2 for every month that you aren’t there- perfect for students going home for Christmas/ summer, but obviously this doesn’t factor in if you’re a 2nd or 1st year.)

I thought the atmosphere of the university gym was pretty intimidating, as I am a puny man and there were men that seemed like they could easily take on Tyson for a few rounds and come off fine. Also, the equipment was always fairly full at peak times (i.e. the times I can actually go.)

This was a good alternative, as being closer to my house by a long way than the gym up at uni, and going at weekends it is much easier to get to than (I can cycle there without having to die whilst going up North Road, Widcombe or Bathwick.)

Although it doesn’t have the facilities of the Uni’s gym, for a casual fitness person, it’s pretty good for me.

YMCA International House Broad Street Oldfield Park BA1 5LH Tel: 01225 325900

I joined the YMCA because it was cheap, almost permanently underpopulated and close to my house. The price is good (£78 for three months), the equipment is brand new and the whole place is almost unsettlingly clean.

There are always trainers hanging around to give you pointers on how to use machines you’re unsure of or to schedule in your fitness assessments (I’m 30% body fat, don’t get jealous… oops) and the whole place has a really friendly feel. It’s a basic cardio, resistance, mats, free weights layout and there’s plenty of each cardio machine for a house gym session where nobody gets left out. They also have a few big fans so the gym doesn’t overheat but, on a cold day, you can turn them on and off at your own leisure to avoid freezing to death in a cold sweat. It’s easy to follow around the comprehensive workout plans they make for you and the staff are more than happy to help out in whatever way they can. It’s also open til pretty late so it’s perfect for after uni! I love it.

Monday 6th January 2014

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Not another fencing pun bathimpact

Written by Alex Philpotts

A

fter ten long years, I have finally had enough of the penis jokes. Twelve year-old me naturally found them hilarious, but these days phallic humour has lost most of its appeal. And don’t get me started on all the quips about wooden erections.

I suppose that the puns are my penance: the price of being a fencer. But despite this, as fencing and I celebrate our decennial anniversary, I can look back on our relationship and all its ups and downs, and say that I wouldn’t change it for anything. Without wishing to sound gushingly sentimental, my sport has shaped my life more than any other experience, even university.

Most articles about fencing emphasise derring-do, swashbuckling and Errol Flynn clichés. Whilst these are great for the promotion of fencing, for me they never quite hit the mark; I’d like to provide a slightly more personal take on my experiences of a sport that takes extreme violence and turns it into a game.

Imagine, if you will, my twelve year-old self as alluded to earlier: distinctly portly, definitely not into team sports and completely hopeless at anything which involved spherical projectiles. I was fortunate enough to attend a school where fencing was offered; today, this is far more common as the sport gradually moves into the

state sector, but in 2003 it was rare indeed to find a non-independent school that had a fencing instructor. When I arrived for my first ever class, the coach did little to dispel the stereotypes of a master-at-arms; moustachioed, leather-clad and fond of shouting.

The sport itself, however, could not have been more different from what I had imagined. Rather than the skipping, tiptoed gait that most people might associate with fencing, the footwork emphasised staying low for stability and keeping the heels flat to the floor in order to produce maximum power. Meanwhile the bladework sessions, instead of looping parries and flourishing attacks, taught efficient movements de-

signed to fix the point to the opponent’s target as quickly as possible; a reminder that fencing’s roots lie fundamentally in a violent tradition of finding the fastest way to kill an adversary in a duel.

As you may have already deduced, this emphasis on speed and power makes fencing an extremely physical game, despite its image as a ‘sophisticated’ sport. It’s aggressive, dirty and fast-paced, so much so that after my first few lessons I nearly gave it up.

Fortunately, because bouts are one on one, fencing is a sport that you can learn at your own pace without fear of letting your team down; on the piste, the only person you are fencing for is yourself. So I kept going and slowly got better, thanks to the gentle encouragement of my aforementioned coach and my innate left-handed awkwardness.

My fencing career will never be stellar, but I’ve had the opportunity to represent my county, region, home nation and Great Britain in competitions around the United Kingdom and Europe, something I would never have had the opportunity to do in another sport.

The great thing about sport in general is that the confidence it gives you translates into real life as well. The great thing about fencing is that the only pressure involved is the pressure you place on yourself, so to get involved you never have to leave your comfort zone. As a result, it offers the opportunity for even the least sportingly-inclined to get that confidence boost that is perhaps the most important benefit of all sport.

Getting into the swing of things F ollowing Europe’s incredible comeback at the 2012 Ryder Cup, many people expected golf to suffer from somewhat of a hangover this year. Thankfully, sport doesn’t do lulls, and 2013 was one of the most memorable years in the world of golf for a long time. There was drama both on and off the course, with exciting climaxes to some of the biggest events; many feel good stories throughout the year and off course controversies to add to the spice.

With the first golf major each year not taking place until April, the first few calendar months are often a time when players hone their skills in smaller scale tournaments. This year though, there were two big off-course stories in the golfing world.

Firstly news of Rory McIlroy’s switch in manufacture to Nike, just a few months after crushing the field at the 2012 US PGA Championship.

The switch made McIlroy one of the highest paid starts in the world of sport, but many questioned the logic in changing clubs when everything seemed to be on track for the young Northern Irish star.

Those voices of only grew louder as McIlroy struggled for form at the beginning of the year, with numerous uncharacteristic errors creeping into his game, and many missed cuts as a result. McIlroy’s struggles allowed Tiger Woods to return to world number one for the first time since his wellpublicised off-course issues saw him plummet down the rankings.

Secondly, and more damaging for the game, was the news that former world number one, Vijay Singh, had admitted to using deer antler spray which contained a

banned substance. Why the Fijian would use such a bizarre item is still not clear, but the fallout and resulting suspension looked bad on a game which is built on honesty.

When the opening major of the year finally arrived in April, Woods’ fine form at the start of the year saw him enter as favourite to collect his 15th major and first since the 2008 US Open. Things didn’t quite work out for Woods though, and he still remains four victories behind Jack Nicklaus’ record of 18 major championships.

With Woods out of contention, the Masters turned into a shoot-out between Australian Adam Scott and previous champion Angel Cabrera. Both were tied playing the last hole, and incredibly, both birdied the 72nd, extending the tournament into a play-off. Scott birdied the second extra hole, becoming the first Australian ever to claim the prestigious green jacket, and providing the first ‘feel-good’ story of the year following his awful collapse at the previous

year’s Open Championship.

After the excitement of the Masters, another thrilling major followed at the US Open. With numerous players in contention, Justin Rose pulled through, becoming the first English major champion since Sir Nick Faldo in 1996.

In another poignant moment for the sport, Rose’s victory came on Fathering Sunday, 11 years after his father sadly passed away following a long battle with cancer. Rose’s victory saw him beat Phil Mickelson into second place, the sixth time the Californian has finished as runner-up in his home open, without emerging victorious.

Mickelson would claim his own glory just a month later though, with victory in the Open Championship, the third major of the year. A scintillating final round of 66 saw him overhaul overnight leader Lee Westwood, and win the championship by 3 strokes from Swede Henrik Stenson. The

ed (supoergolfdude)

Written by Michael Powell

final major of the year, also saw a successful comeback story. American Jason Dufner emerged victorious just two years after a heart-breaking play-off loss to Keegan Bradley in the same tournament.

With four fascinating majors, and three first time winners, 2013 already had the hallmarks of a great golfing year. There was still time for one last heart-warming story to arise though. After his runner-up finish at the Open Championship, Stenson went on an incredible run of form, resulting in him claiming the $10 million prize money as Fed Ex Cup champion on the PGA tour.

The Swede followed this success by claiming the money list of the European tour, becoming the first player to ever achieve the feat of winning both tour money lists. The success was just reward for Stenson who suffered from the loss of $8 million dollars to the fraudster Allen Stanford and a drop to 230 in the world rankings just 18 months ago.

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Monday 6th January 2014

your future

Sex Column New year, new orifice

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feinsteinphotos

Horoscopes  Scorpio

October 23 - November 21

The planet cycles imply your skills of impersonation will greatly improve. Just don’t impersonate your boss, especially if they’re grumpy and abrasive.



Sagittarius



November 22 - December 21

Capricorn

December 22 - January 20

Shopping in the sales will bring great rewards, except if you try to hide a PS4 under your jumper.

You’re about to be thrown into dangerous situations with associates you’re not too sure about. Avoid that trip to Candy Mountain.

Don’t talk to the weasel.

January 21 - February 19

Sex. Sex is fun, right? Most people spend their time pining after it… well, except The Jonas Brothers, who took a vow of abstinence. But no-one cares about them anymore, and even fewer people want to be like them, so The position of Jupiter means you stick to the sex, right? Anyway, will have great influence over those this article is about sex in the New around you. Use these powers for good, Year, a time for resolutions such February 20 - March 20 and try not to topple any South Amerias giving up vices, like chocolate, can governments. Viva la resistance! cigarettes, or sneaking into fields I hear it’s amazing when the famous in the dead of night and fucking purple stuffed worm in flap-jaw sheep. But instead of focusing on space with the tuning fork does a the giving up side of the resoluraw blink on Hara-Kiri Rock. I need tion deal, I’m more looking into the personal exploration, and the scissors! 61!

March 21 - April 20 vowing to undertake and seek out new experiences. Many say Mars has now moved into things like “Bungie jump,” or “fithe House of Libra. Mars had senally go abroad,” but the route I rious concerns about this move, urge you to seek is one of sexual since Libra seemed rather clingy liberation. and there was no cleaning rota.

This article is henceforth about Take Mars’s advice: don’t rush into doing naughtier things than that move – it’s a big decision. you’re used to. Throw away the Kama Sutra, because the object here is to be experimental. Those old Indian guys couldn’t possibly muster even an iota of the stuff April 21 - May 20 you can get into if you really use May 21 - June 20 the beauty of the imagination The full potential of a She doesn’t love you. you were blessed with. Rememnascent idea will blosber the time you were busy som under cold lights. pounding away/ being pounded Use this opportunity to when all of a sudden you- by ask out that sexy Gemini accident mind- did something redhead you know; I hear out of the ordinary and enthey’re totally into you. They joyed it so much that it will knock four times, but not became part of with their fabulous hair. your routine?

June 21 - July 21 Well, imagine Stop flooding your Facebook profile with what could bit-strips. They’re really annoying, and happen if the alignment of the stars means few July 22 - August 22 others will be captivated by your As Venus enters your sign, you better insipid antics. In return, Satget that Monopoly board out: holdurn’s placement will give ing the Red and Orange streets will beyou courage, though NASA come a winning strategy. I wouldn’t play has yet to confirm this.

Munchkin though – Divine Intervention will ruin your best-laid plans.

Aquarius





Pisces

 Aries



Gemini

 Taurus

 Cancer



Leo

 Virgo



you really put your mind on the problem!

Off the top of my head, I can already throw a few at you- and, personally, (and this is just my opinion) fisting as a device to express a deep emotional bond for a lover or a friend is tragically overlooked. When you wish to be a part of someone else, what could express this more than putting as much of your body into theirs? See, you started reading that section with a scoff and an airy feeling of disgust at my depravity. But surely you can’t argue with that sound logic! Anyway, I digress- fisting whilst staring dead into the eyes of your significant other and whispering bleak poetry is really a great way to combine your souls.

If you still aren’t convinced by the whole fisting thing, then other places to explore are the less frequented crevasses on your partner- the back of the knees or that bit on your arm where it bends are prime examples of underused, but still pleasantly moist areas of the body which, if you take some time to step back from the primal urges to simply bang can really create some new sensations you never expected to be open to you.

But even my instructing you is against the very spirit of my plea!

Just get your kit off with your partner, stare at each other and just do what you want, and don’t stop the other from doing what they want and see what happens. Either that or just fuck like you want. I don’t care; I’m just an anonymous sex columnist who frantically masturbates every night to the thought that they have manipulated strangers into doing weird shit to each other in bed.

Libra

September 23 - October 22

August 23 - September 22 As you wearily unwrap your presents You should really take up that television series your favouron Christmas morn (2014), you are likely to ite Sagittarius and Capricorn colleagues have been ravhave the dawning realisation that you are a ing about. The eleventh hour is ending, and the twelfth perpetual disappointment to all who know hour will be chiming soon. That hole in your life since you. At least your cough will begin to feel Breaking Bad ended is only getting bigger. better.

Illustrations illustrated by Charles Bertram Jones

Horoscopes writed by Anthony ‘Master Sword King of the Soliloquy’ Masters

Monday 6th January 2013

puzzles

39

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Snuzzly Puzzly Zone Quick Quiz 1. Which soft drink was invented by Charles Alderton in 1885?

2. In Geordie dialect, what is a “snotter clot”?

3. Blackwater fever is a rare complication of which disease?

4. Which liqueur must be added to Scotch to make a Rusty Nail cocktail?

5. Who provides the voiceovers for University Challenge?

6. What is housed in a ship’s binnacle?

7. Who plays Shakespeare’s love interest Viola de Lesseps in Shakespeare in Love?

8. In Moby Dick, who is the vengeful captain of the whaling ship Pequod?

9. Blue Mountain Peak is the highest point on which Caribbean island?

10. Which is the longest British motorway?

Jigsawdoku Nullspace

Enter digits from 1–9 into the empty squares in such a way that each connected region of squares containing the same digit has area equal to that digit. Diagonals are not considered ‘connected’.

Quiz Answers: 1. Dr Pepper 2. A handkerchief 3. Malaria 4. Drambuie 5. Roger Tilling 6. The compass 7. Gwyneth Paltrow 8. Captain Ahab 9. Jamaica 10. M6

For crossword Across 2 Public transport (3) solutions, visit our 8 Descendant of Dutch settlers in South Africa (4) facebook page and like, 9 Capital of Cape Verde (5) to view.

10 In addition, too (4) 11 Capital of Poland (6) 12 Capital of Paraguay (8) 13 Capital of Malta (8) Across 16 Capital of Mozambique (6) 2 Public transport (3) 18 Capital of Indonesia (7) 8 Descendant of Dutch settlers in South Africa (4) 19 Capital of Swaziland (7) 9 Capital of Cape Verde (5) 23 Capital of Bahrain (6) 10 In addition, too (4) 26 Least transparent (8) 11 Capital of Poland (6) 27 Capital of Chile (8) 12 Capital of Paraguay (8) 29 Capital of Lesotho (6) 13 Capital of Malta (8) 31 Capital of Peru; sort of bean (4) 16 Capital of Mozambique (6) 32 Capital of Afghanistan (5) 18 Capital of Indonesia (7) 33 Capital of Togo (4) 19 Capital of Swaziland (7) 34 Nineteenth letter of the English alphabet (3) 23 Capital of Bahrain (6) 26 Least transparent (8) 27 Capital of Chile (8) 29 Capital of Lesotho (6) 31 Capital of Peru; sort of bean (4) 32 Capital of Afghanistan (5) 33 Capital of Togo (4) 34 Nineteenth letter of the English alphabet (3)

Enter the numbers 1–9 into the grid so that each number appears precisely once in each row, column and barred block.

Enter the numbers 1–5 into the grid so that each number appears precisely once in each row and column. A bar between two cells indicates that the numbers either side differ by 1; the absence of a bar indicates that the numbers differ by more than 1.

Puzzles created by Dorian Lidell

Liu peng

One-upper

The box was filmed in front of a live studio audience, created by me.

This week’s BOX OF FUN is actually a feedback form, fill it in and post it at 1 East 3.12 (just a short walk away from Plug) Tell us what you thought of the paper.

What you would change?

What works for you?

Would you prefer it if this paper were a magazine? or a planet? Thanks :D

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Monday 6th January 2014

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Monday 6th January 2014

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Monday 6th January 2014

music

1983 rocked maybe: mayb facebook.com/bathimpact

Written by Jonathan Arch

1. Tears For Fears - The Hurting

J: The first half of the eighties was definitely the better half from a musical point of view. With the majority of bands’ experimentation with synthesisers still sounding fresh and seamlessly blended into ‘traditional’ instruments (i.e. electric guitars), the early years of the eighties produced some brilliant rock/pop hybrids - a blend known at the time as New Wave. Notable examples of such forays include Spandau Ballet, Gary Numan and in this case Tears for Fears, whose debut The Hurting is truly one of the most important examples of the year. The album starts out strong with the title track; an unequivocally 80s guitar riff conjures some romantic views of what was such a dark and difficult decade for so many. This sound underpins the entire album; there’s an ironic levity as these rock/pop ballads have such a joy and vigour to them, belying the dark lyrical themes. The strong start continues with the unforgettable hits ‘Mad World’ (aka. every man-with-a-guitar acoustic act’s ‘sad song’) and the song that possibly typifies the sound of the entire decade, the phenomenal ‘Pale Shelter’. After the obligatory singles (which are by no means compromised by being labelled as such) are finished, this album really begins to shine, with the really evocative tracks ‘Watch me bleed’, and my (Jon’s) two personal favourites ‘Change’ and ‘Start of the Breakdown’, who’s driving cyclical melodies definitely draw inspiration from the early math rock influencers Talking Heads and 80s King Crimson.

The Hurting proved to be an instant success, going straight to number 1 in its first week of release and going gold just three weeks later. It’s definitely a favourite album of mine and I’m honestly thankful we reviewed this year because it gave me a reason to buy and listen to this truly accomplished and unforgettable piece of work.

A: Seriously, if you don’t love Pale Shelter there isn’t much we can do for you. I use this record as a reference point when criticising other music: “See! Pop music doesn’t have to be rubbish- it can be like this!”

2. U2 - War A: I’ll just put this out there first. I don’t like U2. But I do like this record; it’s basically the reason we didn’t have to include The Fall.

Political lyrics, raw production with generous reverb and repetitive riffs. Simultaneously ethereal and down-to-earth; the lessons from post-punk were learned quickly. War has strong tunes and strong sentiments. There is just about enough variety and pacing for this to function properly as an album, rather than the dominant ‘two singles and some junk’ pop format. Giving this band a bigger stage and more cash to play with has not improved them; quite predictable when looking back this record’s strengths.

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3. Herbie Hancock - Future Shock Basically this record takes the 70s into the 80s. 70s big band arrangements are transcribed to synthesisers and the guitar distortion is turned up a notch, but it doesn’t feel unnatural or contrived. The tunes could really be more memorable, but the quality of arrangement, performance and production is really high, and it is confidently experimental. Given that this was his 35th album, Herbie Hancock showed no signs of stopping, despite his already influential career. The 80s was all about 70s musicians dropping their sound, sometimes bastardising it, to make something more commercially favourable (c.f the dreadful Genesis by Genesis), but Herbie has here created something so fresh it blows that paradigm right out of the water; jazz in the 80s became electro-funk.

Funny Jon and Adam fact: Herbie Hancock is the only musician to appear in more than one of our ###3 top tens.

4. Metallica - Kill ‘Em All J: I’m gonna get this out here quickly, I don’t like Metallica. I personally think they’re overrated, boring, music-fascists. Their later work has certainly dated faster than the earlier stuff; hell, Death Magnetic (2008) sounded dated before it was even eviscerated in post-production by all that napster money. But Kill Em All is certainly surprising! For an album whose working title was ‘Metal Up Your Ass’, it certainly lives up to its Wikipedia page. I love it; it’s like a Slayer album before Slayer even started (Reign In Blood wasn’t released until 1986; three years is a long time in Metal - especially in the 80s). It’s Metallica’s debut, and like all the debuts here, it benefits from the gifts and the drawbacks of hindsight: “Yes, St Anger was a piece of shit, but they started off with THIS! And with downhill slopes, at least you’re travelling fast by the time you reach the bottom.” Highlight: Definitely the killer ‘The Four Horsemen’.

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ast week, we did o the year, swearing er. But, something so we’ve been brought b dictably, we’re doing 198 ism and Plastic ‘jeweller doing 1993, so think Maj ‘jewellery’. Unlike being a such great years as 2003 in these years, but we’ve much out of those ‘not a l them. Never again.

993 fits in a funny place our 20s, as it is late en ably don’t know the m early for us to have felt the this music directly and pro noughties (and onward) tee 90s are also hugely importa hop, which we’re going to a of scope’ (Organix is brillia it hasn’t aged brilliantly; Ra point and Brit-pop is a bit u there.

5. Tom Waits - Swordfishtrombones.

Tom Waits’ experimental tour-de-force. 1982 had Ice Cream For Crow, the *last* Captain Beefheart album, so it’s hard to see this as utterly groundbreaking. It is seriously good though, and merges some more conventional singer-songwriter musicianship into the avant-garde sound. (Also, “not as avant-garde as Captain Beefheart” may be the strongest praise with faint damnation that could be applied to popular music.)

The conventional bits are strong enough that they should serve to convince people not to dismiss the experimental aspects, and the overall package is very satisfying.

A deservedly loved classic.

Monday 6th January 2014

music

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be also so did 1993 maybe facebook.com/bathimpact

her (J) and Adam Jackson (A)

our last XXX3 album reviews of g “never again” to one anothg’s got to fill these two pages, back by popular demand. Pre83, so think Thatcher, Capitalry’. Also in this article, we’re jor, Capitalism and Fake Gold a Top Ten, which was easy for and 1973, not a lot happened e still managed to squeeze as lot’ to give you Top Fives from

1. Tool - Undertow

A: Tool’s first full album: 1992’s Opiate EP was already very strong, but this is where Tool really picked up momentum. Accessible, visceral art metal. Great tunes with brave imagery. One of those records that makes everyone else look a bit amaturish. What more can we say?

J: Great prog metal from a fantastic band - better than Dream Theater!

2. Jamiroquai - Emergency on Planet Earth Eccentric, talented vocalist? Check. Synthesisers? Check.

Didgeridoo? Check. Big steel fire bucket of funk? Jamiroquai didn’t spark a trend but they made great use of what was available. The environmentalist themes definitely deserve a nod, and while their future records have adapted to changing production styles this was an absurdly confident debut. Jamiroquai absolutely nailed the acid jazz sound, offering a path for funk and soul musicians to avoid stagnation and fill some dancefloors. As well as some strong singles, the album as a whole is a satisfying listen, not least the synth-led ‘Revolution 1993’.

3. Nirvana - In Utero

e for those of us in and around nough that our parents probmusic that well, but it’s still too e excitement of the time. Still, ofoundly affected the sound of enage rebellion. Obviously, the ant for the development of hipapologetically put down as ‘out ant, we know). On reflection, adiohead were still shit at this underwhelming if you weren’t

6: Yes - 90125 (classic 70s prog band turned to writing love songs to appease the 80s gods but not shit ones, these are classics e.g. Owner of a Lonely Heart) 7: A Flock of Seagulls - Listen 8: Bauhaus - Burning From The Inside 9: Cyndi Lauper - She’s So Unusual

A lot has been said about this record. Let’s say some more. Nirvana had already made their point by the time they got to In Utero, changing the sound of rock forever. The Smashing Pumpkins were convincingly taking on the mantle of rich fuzzy alt-rock (and believe me if this was a longer list Siamese Dream would be there). It’s refreshing therefore that at this point Nirvana bowed out with something so eclectic and relatively challenging; they shored up their art credentials lest you mistake their noise for laziness. There’s enough pop to keep the listener going through the really good stuff like ‘Radio Friendly Unit Shifter’.

4. KMFDM - Angst

This is where ‘Electric body music’ (EBM) crosses over into the rock world. KMFDM had already made a bunch of Industrial/EBM, and here they really break out the rock. This is the sound of Bath’s Discord nights; while Nine Inch Nails and Rammstein brought industrial sounds to rock and metal, KMFDM were bringing metal to the dance floor. The record also has a great sense of humour; there’s clearly some serious politics behind it, but if you thought In Utero was blatantly self-referential... this album interjects too many instances of ‘KMFDM’ to sustain a viable drinking game.

5.Björk - Debut Checking up on this album was a pleasant surprise, as I’d been led to believe that Björk hadn’t quite hit her full potential yet. The debut is hugely creative, engaging and entertaining. I have no idea where this woman gets so many ideas from, or how she convinces people to let her put them all on the same record, but she’s done it time and again. The tracklisting is extremely varied (especially the club scenery of ‘There’s More To Life Than This’), oscillating between four-to-the-floor beats to minimal, beautiful arrangements with unimpeachable vocal performances throughout. The electronics sound quite dated in places and it’s not really clear how deliberate this is; Bjork’s fans would be forgiven for overlooking this in favour of her later records, but on its own merits this is really hugely strong material.

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