A Way Out Addiction Treatment Center Newsletter 03/13
In this edition, we explore the sensitive topic of Self Esteem and touch on the issue of “Frozen Feelings”. We also take at look at feelings in general and explore the management of feelings and emotional sobriety.
Lastly, we continue with our section “Meet the Staff”, have some fun stuff and per usual end it off with a poem. I sincerely hope that you all enjoy reading this edition as I had compiling it.
Greetings in sobriety Welcome to the third edition of our newsletter. In this edition we will be looking at feelings in addiction and will look at the relevant, for me, issue of frozen feelings and will also take a look at feelings and feelings management in recovery. Each newsletter has a specific theme, which is dictated by the professional team at the treatment center. The theme will therefore maintain its relevance in terms of recovery, and will be a theme that is applicable, as dictated by their experiences in the treatment and/or recovery environment. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of your contributions and participation in order to help us to make these newsletters relevant and interesting to you. We sincerely hope that you enjoy the third newsletter, which focuses on feelings. I hope that you will find the articles compiled and included to be of interest, and even more so that you have a better understanding about the disease when you have read it. Lastly, please share this link with all your friends and family and on social media sites, such as twitter, Facebook, pinterest etc. etc. in an attempt to get the message out to as many people as possible.
Hopefully the articles and extracts in this newsletter will be of use to both the addict and the family, and will assist in both parties gaining some sort of clarity as to the feelings and concerns of the other party. We look forward to receiving your suggestions for future articles, and would appreciate your constructive criticisms.
Yours in sobriety
FOR THOSE WHO MISSED OUR FIRST EDITIONS Kindly click on the links below should you have missed either of our first editions. In future, ALL past editions will be featured on this page.
STAFF MEMBERS PROFILE As promised in last months newsletter where we focused on the “roses” of A Way Out, as promised this month we are going to meet some of the “Uglies.” As per usual “the Baas” will lead us into the feature whereupon we’ll meet the rest of the team.
All comments in purple are merely my own opinion.
Hein It is very rewarding facilitating groups and watching the growth of the clients as they take responsibility for themselves and take ownership of their lives. A Way Out is growing and it is a privilege to be part of that growth, our focus here is on helping people, we have a small group, this ensures us to build close relationships with them. When someone’s behavior deviates we can adjust it and get the client to rectify it, we believe in educating clients about how to live life.
I believe people should come to A Way Out because we have a program that works, it’s not a theory but a program, clients that have applied themselves to the program stays drug free, it is a program that has kept me drug free for 12 years.
My counselor, when I was at A Way Out, and “Spiritual Guru” that showed me the way, by example. Also the one that gave me the hope that change is possible and more importantly that recovery is possible.
Chris I've been working at A Way Out for 2 years and am the catering manager as well as part of the counseling team. Addiction is a family illness, and that's where A Way Out sets the bar for being one of the best treatment centers around. We focus on the clients as well as the family through the struggles of addiction to let them know that this is a no fault illness and that the disease of addiction can be arrested and managed through the support of loved ones and as many people as possible! ADDICTION CAN BE BEATEN. The “early riser” where we spent many an early morning having copious amounts of coffee and lengthly personal chats. Chris is also well renowned for his sense of humour and his uncanny ability to break through the denial factor that we addicts are so deeply afflicted with in the beginning. Chris described me as a broken shell of a man when I left A Way Out. He was also the poor one who accompanied Jolanda to fetch me and book me in.
Johan My name is Johan and I am a counselor at A Way Out Addiction Treatment Center. As a recovering addict, I have first-hand experience of the pain and hopelessness caused by this disease and I am passionate in helping those affected, both in treatment and at home. The most rewarding part in what I do
is seeing the once broken soul leave here whole, happy and healthy. I focus on breaking through the denial in group session and work with clients on an individual basis. There is hope and help here at A Way Out, and I am proud to be a part of a fantastic team WOW. Johan is one of those people who moves in mysterious ways. Quietly going about the task at hand and getting it done. I remember him as the “night shift” counselor, who spent the vast majority of his evenings with us. He is however fondly remembered for his EXTREMELY uncomfortable(for me) yet insightful Powerlessness and Development Sessions. We nicknamed them “Pap en Derm” sessions. These eventually became one of my favorite sessions to let go of baggage, in an open, friendly and non-judgmental way. Thanks Johan.
Ricardo My name is Ricardo and I work at A Way Out as a Counselor. I facilitate in group sessions, one on one individual counseling sessions and client orientation. I enjoy spending time with the clients playing volleyball, playing pool, going for walks and taking them down to the river for fishing. Also encouraging them to do the program to the best of their ability and to take ownership and responsibility for their addiction. Coming through the program myself and the wonderful staff who are all recovering addicts themselves helped me work through the guilt, shame and hopelessness that my addiction has caused me and my loved ones. Unfortunately for me, and maybe fortunately for Ricardo, I never had the privilege of meeting him during my stay in recovery. I only briefly met and chatted with Ricardo when I returned to A Way Out to celebrate my 1 year mile stone.
All that I can say with 100% surety is that he has joined the best treatment facility in the Western Cape, if not the country, and will be welcomed into the broader recovery community of A Way Out. Welcome Ricardo.
LOW SELF ESTEEM AND ADDICTION “Those who do not have the power over their lives, the power to retell it, rethink it, deconstruct it … and change it at times, truly are powerless because they cannot think new thoughts.”
Alcoholism and drug addiction affects the whole family –
Everyone that comes into iscontact with the addictaddicts, is in one One of the main factors that encountered amongst is Wayinherent feeling of low self-esteem. These feelings are very their often an integral part of the root cause of the addicts’ addiction. It is very seldom that the disease can be effectively and efficiently arrested, if these feelings are not dealt with in early recovery. In this article we will explore the emotional consequences and symptoms of low self-esteem, in an attempt to better understand what may commonly be viewed as a co-morbid disease. Fear and Anxiety Depression Most cases of depression are the result of low self-esteem, not the other way around, as our diagnostic manual would have us believe. This is not the only cause of depression, as some people have chronic depression not related to self-esteem and which may require medication; overcoming depression due to low selfesteem seldom requires medication and then only for a short period. Most individuals who suffer from low self-esteem have differing degrees of situational depression at different times in their lives--some have consistent depression for years and until they go through the recovery process. Discouragement Discouragement is a common emotion of those with low selfesteem who have unusually high expectations of others, and who have either unreasonably high or nonexistent goals for themselves. Striving for unreachable goals is a recipe for feeling like one is failing. Others with LSE are too discouraged and fearful to try anything new, to initiate relationships, or even to attempt to develop new skills. They remain complacent willing to accept what life brings rather than trying to better themselves.
Fear and anxiety are the cornerstone of low selfesteem. Based on early life experiences, people develop a perspective of how they fit in the world: whether they are adequate, lovable, worthy, and/or competent. If their view of themselves is negative, they go through life fearful and anxious, on guard, disappointed, anticipating the worst, and unable to relax until they recover from this devastating issue of low self-esteem. This anxiety is extreme and permeates everything in the person’s life including the ability to make sound decisions, the ability to maintain ambition, the ability to bounce back after disappointments, the person’s basic emotional stability, the person’s sustainability, the person’s energy, the person’s ability to learn from his mistakes, the person’s openness to developing new skills, the person’s ability to be introspective.
Those with low self-esteem have four basic fears: 1. The fear is of doing something that will confirm their own inadequacy. 2. The fear is that others will see what they've done and also recognize their inadequacy. 3. The fear is of losing what one has; fear that success cannot be sustained; fear of abandonment. 4. The fear is of once more experiencing humiliation, depression, devastation or despair.
Through recovery these fears are gradually dispelled and the person becomes able to respond in healthy ways to the situation in his life. Hypersensitivity Overly sensitive, those with low self-esteem frequently get their feelings hurt, are easily offended, are quick to become angry or defensive, and are easily provoked. They tend to be overly self-focused and can appear insensitive to the feelings of others or can inaccurately look as though they are narcissistic. Basically they are constantly looking for signs that others are rejecting or disapproving of them and then conclude this is happening even when it is not. Mixed Emotions Those who suffer from low self-esteem find their emotions fluctuating frequently and without warning. They may “think� that someone is rejecting or disapproving of them and then feel hurt and despondent, or they may respond with anger. Also, they may at one moment feel confident, worthy, and self-assured and then take a downturn at a perceived slight from someone. At times they may feel competent only to question and berate themselves and then become depressed when they make a simple mistake. Thus the tumultuous roller coaster ride of life is one of unexpected emotions and reactions, usually ending in negative self-talk. Self-Esteem Attacks (Similar but different from panic attacks) Often mistaken for panic attacks, Self Esteem Attacks are always related to how the person feels about himself or herself: inadequate. These attacks then lead to depression and feelings of humiliation and devastation. Common to some degree to all who suffer from low self-esteem, self-esteem attacks occur when a person perceives she has made a mistake in front of others or that others will hear about and begins to berate herself, to hate herself for her own perceived stupidity.
She then not only reacts to those incidents but dreads the possibility of a situation where another mistake is made and such self-loathing reoccurs. Reacting to this fear, she may then: a) isolate or refrain from new activities to avoid looking foolish or inept, b) stay quiet and not share ideas or perceptions for fear of saying something "wrong," c) not initiate with others for fear of rejection, and d) not look for a better job because of feelings of inadequacy, or e) remain in a destructive relationship because of feeling too inadequate to be alone. "Self Esteem Attacks" occur whenever a person with low self-esteem does or says something that afterwards deems to have been inappropriate, stupid, rude, obnoxious, off target, or inaccurate. At that time, the person may experience immediate remorse, excruciating anxiety, his heart racing, his face turning red, a sinking feeling of embarrassment, depression and/or devastation. Wishing he could sink into the floor or disappear, he may immediately look for a way to escape. He may feign illness, sneak out without saying anything, or just become totally silent, hoping not to be noticed. He will believe that everyone saw his blunder and is thinking poorly of him, maybe even laughing at him. This is a full blown Self-Esteem Attack that may last for minutes, hours, even days during which he berates himself, is fearful of seeing anyone who was in attendance at the time he made his "mistake," and remain seriously depressed. All people who suffer from low self-esteem have these attacks though they vary in degree of severity and in length depending upon how serious the person judges his gaffe, how highly he values the opinions of those in attendance, and what he surmises the repercussions will be. As people go through recovery, these attacks gradually become less frequent, less severe in their intensity, and shorter in duration. Shutdown Emotionally It is not unusual for those who have low self-esteem and who have been abused, abandoned, or literally to have been treated as being in the way, to be unable to recognize what they feel. Having suffered from many emotionally charged and hurtful situations, they automatically feel a need to shield themselves from more such experiences. Having practiced denying their feelings or even acknowledging them, they now find themselves unable to know what they feel. Having been hurt repeatedly, whether verbally, emotionally, or physically, they may also lower their expectations of others and of life in general. They may be available but never initiate with others; they may feel they have little or nothing to offer and above all, are unable to risk rejection
Building Self Esteem Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself as a person. Those with high self-esteem believe that they are adequate, strong and worthy of a good life, while those with low selfesteem feel inadequate and worthless. Low self-esteem can develop in childhood and continue throughout adulthood, causing great emotional pain. Therefore, it’s important to develop a healthy, positive sense of self. Many people base their self-esteem on external factors, such as how much money they earn, how much they weigh and whether people like and appreciate them. If one of these external variables change, self-esteem can be broadly affected. For example, if your self-esteem is based on the fact that someone else loves you, then you risk feeling extremely If you struggle with low self-esteem, it is often helpful vulnerable and worthless if that person’s love ends. By the to connect with others with the same problem. Clergy same token, building self-esteem is not an easy task if you and pastoral counsel may also be of assistance. have suffered years of personal or professional failure. Other steps you can take to increase self-esteem include looking at community bulletin boards and Building your self-esteem and creating a positive selfnewspapers for opportunities to demonstrate your awareness comes from taking an inventory of your own strengths and abilities as a human being. Being at peace with skills and abilities, working with others to change the who you are and what you have to offer the world is a major things you don’t like about yourself and to increase your awareness of the current moment and of the part of having high self-esteem. This “inner peace” does not goodness of being alive. mean that you are unaware of your weaknesses; it merely means that you accept who you are and genuinely like the person you have become.
Beginning the inner dialogue about who you are and what you have to offer the world is an important process in building self-esteem. However, it is not You should think about yourself as deserving of attention, unusual to have trouble defining your strengths and admiration and proper maintenance. Avoid the pitfall of paying too much attention to the happiness and well-being of abilities. Sometimes it is helpful to talk to a therapist about this inner dialogue and about how you might others and too little to your own. Maintaining self-esteem come to the genuine feeling of being a good person involves becoming fully aware of your strengths and seeing who is worthy of the good things in life. Talking to challenges as opportunities to employ those strengths. friends, family and colleagues can also be useful in Low self-esteem is often linked to depression or anxiety. If further defining who you are and what you have to your emotions feel overpowering or out of control, one way to offer. build self-esteem around this issue is to learn to manage your But remember that the most important conversation mood and gain control over your feelings. you have about self-esteem is with yourself. Don’t be Some people are able to do this with the help of friends and afraid to celebrate even your smallest successes. Ask family. Others need to work with a mental health professional yourself what you fear, and search within yourself for to manage the problems that may lie beneath the surface of ways you can cope with these worries and fears. low self-esteem. Learning to know and trust yourself is a long but worthwhile process. Throughout life you may need to search within yourself, again and again, to find your own empowerment and strength.
Developing Emotional Awareness Recognizing and Harnessing the Power of Your Emotions
Emotional Awareness
Emotions are the glue that connects you to other people and gives meaning to life. They are the foundation of your ability to understand yourself and relate to others. When you are aware and in control of your emotions, you can think clearly and creatively; manage stress and challenges; communicate well with others; and display trust, empathy, and confidence. But lose control of your emotions, and you’ll spin into confusion, isolation, and negativity. By recognizing and harnessing your emotions you can gain control over the way you react to challenges, improve your communication skills, and enjoy more fulfilling relationships. This is the power of developing emotional awareness. Whether we’re aware of them or not, emotions are a constant presence in our lives, influencing everything we do. Emotional awareness means knowing what you are feeling and why. It’s the ability to identify and express what you are feeling from moment to moment and to understand the connection between your feelings and your actions. Emotional awareness also allows you to understand what others are feeling and to empathize with them. Emotional awareness involves the ability to: • Recognize your moment-to-moment emotional experience • Handle all of your emotions without becoming overwhelmed • Why emotional awareness matters Have you ever felt like depression, anxiety, or anger was controlling you? Do you often act impulsively, doing or saying things you know you shouldn’t, only to regret it later? Do you feel disconnected from your feelings or emotionally numb? Do you have a hard time communicating with others and forming meaningful connections? Do you feel like your life is an emotional rollercoaster—all extremes and no balance? All of these challenges are related to a breakdown in emotional awareness.
Our emotions, not our thoughts, motivate us. Without an awareness of what you’re feeling, it’s impossible to fully understand your own behavior, appropriately manage your emotions and actions, and accurately “read” the wants and needs of others. Emotional awareness helps you: • Recognize who you are: what you like, what you don’t like, and what you need • Understand and empathize with others • Communicate clearly and effectively • Make wise decisions based on the things that are most important to you • Get motivated and take action to meet goals • Build strong, healthy, and rewarding relationships How developing emotional awareness can bring your life into balance • “My life is an emotional rollercoaster!” Life doesn’t have to be about high highs and low lows. Becoming more in touch with your emotions can help moderate the extreme up and down swings. • “I often regret what I say or do.” If you often wish you could press an “undo” button—or you simply have a short fuse—you can gain emotional awareness by learning to prolong patience during times of stress.
• Got the blahs? When there is nothing physically wrong with you, and you still don’t have any ‘get up and go,’ you might be depressed. When you are more emotionally aware, you can tune into these feelings and make a change for the better. •
“The people I’m interested in aren’t interested in me.” Relationships are hard, but you can have an easier time meeting people and creating lasting bonds when you become more emotionally aware. •
“I can’t seem to get ahead, even though I’m smart and work hard.” Sometimes, getting ahead at your career requires more than book smarts and effort. Becoming more emotionally aware can Is it relatively easy for you to pick up on what other people are feeling and put yourself in their shoes? help you communicate better and advance your position. • “People call me a robot.” There is such thing as too much control over emotions. If you’ve reined yourself in so much that you show no emotion whatsoever, you might benefit from becoming more balanced with your feelings. Evaluating your emotional awareness
If you didn’t answer “usually” or even “sometimes” to most of these questions, you’re not alone. Most people are not emotionally aware, but you can be, even if you have avoided some of your feelings for a long time. When we can't manage stress, emotions may overwhelm us
Although emotional awareness is the basis of emotional health, You can’t manage emotions until you know how to manage stress. Emotions are unpredictable. We never good communication, and solid relationships, many people know what will trigger an emotional response, and remain relatively unacquainted with their core emotional experience. It is surprising how few people can easily answer when stress strikes, we don’t always have the time or opportunity to get back into balance by going for a run, the question: “What are you experiencing emotionally?” for example, or taking a relaxing bath. What you need are tools that allow you to manage stress quickly and in What is your level of emotional awareness? the moment. • • •
• • • • • • • • •
Can you tolerate strong feelings, including anger, Emotional awareness depends on your ability to sadness, fear, disgust, and joy? rapidly relieve stress Do you feel your emotions in your body? If you are sad or mad, do you experience physical sensations in The ability to quickly reduce stress allows you to safely places like your stomach and chest? face strong emotions, confident in the knowledge that Do you ever make decisions based on “gut feelings” or you’ll be able to stay calm and in control—even when use your emotions to guide your decisions? When your something upsetting happens. Once you know how to body signals that something is wrong (stomach calm yourself down once you start to feel overwhelmed, tightening, hair standing on end) do you trust it? you can begin to explore the emotions that seem Are you comfortable with all of your emotions? uncomfortable or even frightening. Do you allow yourself to feel anger, sadness, or fear without being judgmental or trying to suppress them? Emotion is a double-edged sword that is meant to Do you pay attention to your every-changing emotional help, but can also hurt experience? Do you notice a variety of emotions throughout the day If you're a person who doesn't know how to manage or are you stuck in only one or two emotions? your emotions, or have lived with such a person, Are you comfortable talking about your emotions? feelings can seem frightening and overwhelming. Fear Do you communicate your feelings honestly? and helplessness may cause you to freeze, act out, or shut down—inhibiting your ability to think rationally and Do you feel that, in general, others understand and causing you to say and do things you later regret. empathize with your feelings? Are you comfortable with others knowing your emotions? Are you sensitive to the emotions of others?
Common ways of controlling or avoiding uncomfortable emotions Many addictive and inappropriate behaviors are rooted in an inability to take emotionally stressful situations in your stride. Instead, you may try to control or avoid difficult emotions by: Distracting yourself with obsessive thoughts, escapist fantasies, mindless entertainment, and addictive behaviors. Watching television for hours, playing computer games, and surfing the Internet are common ways we avoid dealing with our feelings. Sticking with one emotional response that you feel comfortable with, no matter what the situation requires. For example, constantly joking around to cover up insecurities or getting angry all the time to avoid feeling frightened and sad. Shutting down or shutting out intense emotions. If you feel overwhelmed by your emotions, you may cope by numbing yourself. You may feel completely disconnected from your emotions, like you no longer have feelings at all. The upside of unpleasant emotions Anger can be both deadly and restorative. Out-of-control anger can run amok endangering others and ourselves. But anger can also protect and preserve life by mobilizing us and inspiring determination and creative action. Sadness can lead to depression but also supports emotional healing. Sadness is a call to slow down, stop thinking and surrender to what we are experiencing emotionally. Sadness asks us to open up, trust and allow ourselves to be vulnerable in order to heal and recover from loss. Fear can be debilitating but fear also triggers lifesaving reactions. Fear is a deeply rooted emotion—often the cause of chronic anger or depression. Overwhelming fear can be a barrier that separates us from others, but fear also supports life by signaling danger and triggering life-preserving action. Why avoiding unpleasant emotions isn’t the answer We are all born with a capacity to freely experience the full range of human emotions—including joy, anger, sadness, and fear. Yet many people are disconnected from some or all of their feelings. People who were traumatized in early life often disconnect from their emotions and the physical feelings they evoke. But when you try to avoid pain and discomfort, your emotions become distorted, displaced, and stifled. You lose touch with your emotions when you attempt to control or avoid them, rather than experience them. The consequences of avoiding your emotions: You don’t know yourself. This is one of the most important consequences. It includes understanding why you react to different situations, how much or how little things mean to you, and the difference between what you think you want and what you really need. You lose the good, along with the bad. When you shut down negative feelings like anger, fear, or sadness, you also shut down your ability to experience positive feelings such as joy, love, and happiness. It’s exhausting. You can distort and numb emotions, but you can’t eliminate them entirely. It takes a lot of energy to avoid having an authentic emotional experience and keep your feelings suppressed. The effort leaves you stressed and drained.
Make friends with all your emotions If you’ve never learned how to manage stress, the idea of reconnecting to unpleasant emotions
It damages your relationships. The more you distance yourself from your feelings, the more distant you become from others, as well as yourself. You lose the ability to build strong relationships and communicate effectively, both of which depend on being in touch with your emotions. By avoiding emotions we dislike, we distance ourselves from pleasant emotions When we disconnect from emotions we dislike – emotions that we find uncomfortable or overwhelming - we automatically shut down intensely positive emotions like joy, laughter, and playfulness that sustain us in difficult and challenging times. We can overcome loss and great challenges, but only if we retain our ability to experience joy. These pleasant, uplifting emotions remind us in the worst of times that life is worthwhile and can be wonderful as well as painful. Make friends with all your emotions If you’ve never learned how to manage stress, the idea of reconnecting to unpleasant emotions may be uncomfortable. But even traumatized people can heal by learning to change the way they experience and respond to their emotions. The process of raising emotional awareness involves reconnecting with all of the core emotions, including anger, sadness, fear, disgust, surprise, and joy via a process of self-healing. As you start this process, keep the following facts in mind: Emotions quickly come and go, if you let them You may be worried that once you reconnect to the emotions you’ve been avoiding, you’ll be stuck with them forever, but that’s not so. When we don’t obsess about our emotions, even the most painful and difficult feelings subside and lose their power to control our attention. When our feelings are freed, the core emotions of anger, sadness, fear, and joy quickly come and go. Throughout the day, you’ll see, read, or hear something that momentarily triggers a strong feeling of some sort. But if you don’t focus on the feeling, it won’t last, and a different emotion will soon take its place. Your body can clue you in to your emotions Our emotions are closely aligned to physical sensations in our bodies. When you experience a strong emotion, you probably also feel it somewhere in your body. By paying attention to these physical sensations, you can understand your emotions better. For example, if your stomach tightens up every time you spend time with a particular person, you can conclude that you feel uncomfortable in their presence. With the exception of a headache, physical feelings are usually experienced somewhere below the bridge of the nose. Examples include: • Sensations in your stomach • Tension in your muscles • Subtle urges to move body parts • Flashes of insight or “gut feelings” You don’t have to choose between thinking and feeling Emotional awareness functions like instinct. When it’s strongly developed, you’ll know what you are feeling without having to think about it—and you’ll be able to use these emotional signals to understand what is really going on in a situation and act accordingly. The goal is to find a balance between your intellect and your emotions. Emotional awareness will help you set healthy boundaries, communicate well with others, predict what others are going to do, and make better decisions.
How Do You Forgive Yourself? Guilt is good. Yes! Guilt actually encourages people to have more empathy for others, to take corrective action, and to improve themselves. Self-forgiveness following guilt is self-essential to esteem, which is key to enjoying life and relationships. Yet, for many, selfacceptance remains elusive because of unhealthy guilt. Guilt may be an unrelenting source of pain. You might believe that you should feel guilty and condemn yourself not once, but repeatedly. Guilt also may simmer in your unconscious. Either way, this kind of guilt is insidious and self-destructive and can sabotage your goals. Guilt causes anger and resentment, not only at yourself, but toward others in order to justify your actions. Anger, resentment, and guilt sap your energy, cause depression and illness, and prevent success, pleasure, and fulfilling relationships. They keep you stuck in the past and prevent you from moving forward. You may feel guilty not only for your actions, but also for your thoughts — for wishing someone pain, misfortune, or even death; for feelings such as anger, lust, or greed; for lack of feelings, such as unreciprocal love or friendship, or for not grieving the loss of someone close. Although irrational, you might feel guilty for someone else’s thoughts, attributes, feelings, and actions. It’s not unusual for people to feel guilty for leaving their faith or not meeting their parents’ expectations. People often judge themselves based upon the blame or false accusations emanating from others, which they believe to be true. For example, a woman projects her selfishness onto her husband. He believes it, not realizing it is she who is selfish (an attribute). She might blame her insecurity (feeling) on him, claiming he’s flirting, uncaring, or indifferent. A man might blame his anger (feeling) or mistake (action) on his partner, and she believes him and feels guilty.
People often judge themselves based upon the blame or false accusations emanating from others, which they believe to be true. For example, a woman projects her selfishness onto her husband. He believes it, not realizing it is she who is selfish (an attribute). She might blame her insecurity (feeling) on him, claiming he’s flirting, uncaring, or indifferent. A man might blame his anger (feeling) or mistake (action) on his partner, and she believes him and feels guilty. Because of their low self-esteem, it’s common for codependents to take the blame for others’ behavior. A spouse might accept her husband’s blame and feel guilty for his drinking or addiction. Victims of abuse or sexual assault frequently feel guilt and shame, despite the fact that they were victims and it’s the perpetrator who is culpable. When it comes to divorce, those initiating it often feel guilty, even though responsibility for their marital problem is shared or was primarily due to their partner. Guilt should be distinguished from shame. Shame causes you to feel inferior, inadequate, or bad about who you are versus what you did. When irrational and not absolved, guilt can lead to shame. Shame isn’t constructive. Instead of enhancing empathy and self-improvement, it has the opposite effect. It leads to greater self-preoccupation and undermines both the self and relationships.
If you already have low self-esteem or have issues around shame (most people do), it may be difficult to concentrate on what it is you feel guilty about. However, this is necessary in order to get past it. Rationalizing or brushing it under the rug to avoid self-examination may help temporarily, but will not achieve self-forgiveness. Alternatively, beating yourself up prolongs guilt and shame and damages your self-esteem; accepting responsibility and taking remedial action improves it. Here are suggested steps you can take. I refer to actions, but they apply equally to thoughts or feelings you feel guilty about: 1.
If you’ve been rationalizing your actions, take responsibility. “Okay, I did (or said) it.”
2.
Write a story about what happened, including how you felt about yourself and others involved before, during, and after.
3.
Analyze what your needs were at that time, and whether they were being met. If not, why not?
4.
What were your motives? What or who was the catalyst for your behavior?
5.
Does the catalyst remind you of something from your past? Write a story about it, and include dialogue and your feelings.
6.
How were your feelings and mistakes handled growing up? Were they forgiven, judged, or punished? Who was hard on you? Were you made to feel ashamed?
7.
Evaluate the standards by which you’re judging yourself. Are they your values, your parents’, your friends’, your spouse’s, or those of your faith? Do you need their approval? It’s pointless to try to live up to someone else’s expectations. Others’ desires and values have more to do with them. They may never approve, or you may sacrifice yourself and your happiness seeking approval.
8.
Identify the values and beliefs that in fact governed you during the event? For example, “Adultery is okay if my spouse never finds out.” Be honest, and decide which values you agree with.
9.
Did your actions reflect your true values? If not, trace your beliefs, thoughts, and emotions that led to your actions. Think about what may have led you to abandon your values. Notice that you hurt yourself when you violate your values. This actually causes more harm than disappointing someone else.
10.
How did your actions affect you and others? Whom did you hurt? Include yourself on the list.
11.
Think of ways to make amends. Take the action, and make them. For example, if the person is dead, you can write a letter of apology. You can also decide to act differently in the future.
12.
Looking back, what healthier beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and actions would have led to a more desirable result?
13.
Do you expect perfection? Has this improved your overall well-being? Perfection is illusory and a manifestation of underlying shame.
14.
Would you forgive someone else for the same actions? Why would you treat yourself differently? How does it benefit you to continue to punish yourself?
15.
Remorse is healthy and leads to corrective action. Think about what you’ve learned from your experience and how you might act differently today.
16.
Write yourself an empathic letter of understanding, appreciation, and forgiveness.
17.
Repeat on a daily basis words of kindness and forgiveness from your letter, such as, “I’m innocent,” “I forgive myself,” and “I love myself.”
SOME FUN & FOOD FOR THOUGHT
18.Share honestly with others what you did. Don’t share with those who might judge you. If appropriate, talk about what happened in a 12-Step group. Secrecy prolongs guilt and shame. Realize that you may forgive yourself and still believe you were at fault, just as you might forgive someone else even though you think the person was in the wrong. You can have regret for what you did yet accept that you’re human and made mistakes. Perhaps, you did your best, given your circumstances, awareness, maturity, and experience at the time. This is a healthy, humble attitude. If you continue to have difficulties with self-forgiveness, it’s helpful to see a counselor. You may be suffering from shame, which predisposes you to self-loathing, guilt, and feeling bad about yourself. This can be healed in therapy.
CONCLUSION This Editions Poem I Bleed Behind these eyes; My entire soul cries; Pieces of my heart; Unfold under hurt; All I have left to hold; Is myself, behold; Empty and broke; It’s going to get harder before it gets easier. But it WILL get better, You just got to make it through the hard stuff first.
Listen, my words are spoke; Screaming from within; I want out of my skin;
CONCLUSION
Feelings of abandon; Bearing the scars of years I branded; Into my veins;
This particular edition was extremely interesting for me. I have had my personal battles with low self esteem and frozen feelings, and it has taken many years and many hours of carfully examining myself to evenly begin to scratch the surface. I am however constantly reminded, mostly by my sponsor, of the obvious, which is the easiest for me to forget namely that we are works in progress and that it’s about progress NOT perfection. My thanks to Hein and his team for checking through what I sometimes believe to be mindless babbling, and for pointing me down the right path in researching for the articles included. Until next time, let’s keep on One Day At A Time remembering that recovery is possible.
A WAY OUT ADDICTION TREATMENT CENTRE
Evil spirits remain; Fighting for freedom; I hold on longer than most; Tired and sick I feel within; Needles and poison heal the webs I spin; Surrender I must; I come to the trust; Take away my pain I plead; I'm just like you, We are the same; I've cut my ties and here I bleed.
AUGUST 2013
VOL 1 ISSUE 2
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