Debate issue 12 by Debate Magazine

debate ISSUE 12 | JUNE 2014

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debate Issue 12 | JUNE 2014

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by Daniel Stent

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Check out more monster hybrids on page TEN!

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EDITORIAL Hello team!

This week in debate, we’ve put together a themed issue close to every student’s heart – a twenties survival guide. Whether you’re at the tail end of your teens, sailing through your twenties or even if you’ve made it safely to the other side, I’m hopeful you’ll relate to some of the wise words written within these pages. Enjoy! When accused of being a mama’s boy, I will vehemently deny it. I will then indignantly blush and stumble my way through an unsubstantiated rebuttal, providing no evidence to stand in my favour because, well, there is none... Yet I will still deny it to the death, on principal alone – no boy likes being called a mama’s boy. Today however, I am shutting the closet door and stepping out with head held high to tell you this; my name is Matthew Cattin, I am 22-years-old, and I am a mama’s boy. Being a mama’s boy doesn’t mean I don’t love shifting heavy objects, tool sheds, V8 engines, rugby test matches and circular saws. I mean, I don’t… But that’s beside the point. I still do stereotypical man things all the time. I open jars when I’m helping mum in the kitchen (although sometimes I let her do it after I loosen it off), I take spiders out of the house (unless they are white tails cause mum says they are dangerous)

and I can almost jump start the car if the battery dies (but only if dad’s there to help). This one time I even caught a crab with my bare hands. And I’m not talking about a little mud crab either… I’m talking claws the size of teaspoons and a shell harder than my... skull. I just grabbed it, and it grabbed me, we fought a battle of fingers and claws, and I came out on top, tearstained and shaking. Both of my elder brothers seemed to inherit the love of motors and engines from my dad, an aircraft engineer, but as for me, well I preferred to spend my time drawing dinosaurs and doing puzzles. I’ve never had any interest in planes, trains or automobiles, much to the disgust of my uncle, a car enthusiast. He asked me once what kind of car I would like to buy and my response, “anything with four wheels and a stereo”, left him in a sulky mess. Dad often jokes that my lack of enthusiasm for the speedway is a huge disappointment to him and despite his attempts to teach me car and electronics stuff, my memory for technical details are extremely sketchy so I am generally quite clueless. I’m probably more talented at breaking things than I am of fixing them, I’m absolutely lost without instructions (and challenged with instructions nonetheless) and I have been known to confuse my tools something awful. However, being a mama’s boy is definitely not without its benefits. My mum is one of those mothers that believe in an eleventh commandment, ‘thou shalt have a delicious and nutritious meal on the table at each day’s end’. She’s quite famous for her cooking, and with

good reason, but the best part is, she’s done her best to pass on her culinary skills to me. I know what herbs compliment particular meals, I know which desserts require bain-marie baking and I’ve learnt the secrets to a good muffin mix. These skills have passed on through generations of mothers, through times when the kitchen was deemed exclusively a woman’s domain, to finally reach me, and I take pride in honing them whilst eating way too much raw mixture. While dad probably wishes in secret that I was more impressed by engines, I think mum is pretty chuffed at the fact I appreciate slippers, cups of tea, knitting, baking and passing up man things for feel good dramas on the couch. I even reap a few benefits here and there, benefits so great I’m almost embarrassed to share them, including (but not limited to) sandwiches and leftovers for my lunch box, secret servings of pudding leftovers, sneaky hot water bottles left in bed when I’m late home in winter and a hug and a kiss every morning when I leave the house. Laugh all you want to cover up your jealousy, but that’s pretty damn hard to beat, in my pampered opinion. I dedicate this editorial to my mum, the wonderful woman who still gets excited every time she gets a shout out in debate. Thanks mum. You a 10. And thanks for the leftovers today – they were out of this world. Love, Matthew. 5

Kieran’s Interview Tips by Kieran Bennett Going for a job interview can be quite the daunting occasion. You are literally going to someone and inviting them to judge you in the hopes of getting money. Despite the myriad of jokes about them though, job interviews are actually one of the easiest things in the world if you know what you’re doing. 1) Be on time -This is number one as it cannot be stated enough. If you have an interview, arrive on time and half of the interview is done already. If you arrive late, why would a prospective employer consider you? If you can’t arrive to an interview on time, will you arrive to work on time? As a general rule, aim to be where you need to be around 15 minutes before you need to, that way you can account for bad traffic, poor directions or terrible Mexican food. 2) Dress well, but only as well as you need -Many people will say you should wear a suit (or equivalent) to a job interview, and that’s true; if you’ll be wearing a suit at your job. It’s important to dress nicely when going to an interview; it makes a good first impression and says that you care about your personal appearance. However if you’re interviewing for a basic barista job and you turn up in a blazer and tie, you’ll most likely just make your interviewer feel a little odd. Think about the formality of the job and dress according to that. If in doubt, dress more formally instead of less.

3) Know something about where you’re (hopefully) working -At some point in your interview you’ll be asked a question like “why do you want to work at Frank’s Dildo Emporium?” If you don’t know anything about Frank’s, then your ability to answer this question will be a little hampered. If however you’ve been to Frank’s before (and I know you have) then you’ll be able to comment on the friendly vibe, the great location and the brief chats you’ve had with staff. It shows you’re willing and able to go out and do your own work and you actually want this job, not just the money. 4) Learn the standard questions - “Why do you want to work at Frank’s Dildo Emporium?”, “What do dildos mean to you?”, “Is there a time where your extensive dildo experience has helped you in real life?” and of course the dreaded “Where do you see yourself in five years?” There are certain questions that will be asked in every interview, mainly to do with applying skills to real life or what *job’s key skill* means to you. Look over these questions, think about them, and come up with an answer. I don’t know is not an answer. 6) At the end of the interview thank your interviewee -Frank has taken a long, hard, ribbed look at your CV and decided to interview you. That’s time out of his day. Make sure to thank the person interviewing you, no matter how well or terrible you think it all went. Not only does it leave a good last impression, it's polite. 7) Relax -At the end of the day, it’s just a job interview. You may get the job, you may not, but worrying about it won’t help you. So relax, focus and try to avoid dirty jokes. Unless you’re applying to Frank’s.

“You can’t have a party without party hats” Josh, Pukekohe Jump on board by submitting an image at loveyourcondom.co.nz/joinin #loveyourcondom

we need you! EXAMS ARE COMING!

We need 45 full-time AUT students for an interactive online focus group in July. We want to know more about your world and AUT’s place in it. All we need is 20 minutes of your time each day over 5 days and we’ll hook you up a $50 Westfield voucher. You could also win a new iPad if your ideas are really amazing! Apply now for this great opportunity to make AUT more awesome! www.aut.ac.nz/weneedyou

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KILL BANG MARRY Friends EditioN by Louise Stone The rules are simple: You are given three people and have to decide which one you would kill, bang, and marry. Explain your choices. Today’s choices: the cast of Friends – the quintessential 20s sitcom (no, not the 1920s…)

RACHEL GREEN

PHOEBE BUFFAY

MONICA GELLER

KILL

BANG

MARRY

Going, going, gone. And she’s not coming back – not when I’m done with her. For this scenario, I choose to kill Rachel mostly because of our lack of common ground. She likes nose-jobs; I like to press my nose up against the window when I watch the outside world. She enjoys Louis Vuitton and Ralph Lauren; I cycle between the same two pairs of jeans each week and throw on the largest hoody I can find. She’s a terrible waitress; and I like the people who handle my beverages to be competent. I just don’t see this thing working out on any level whatsoever. Not to mention that her indecisiveness in two of the most important aspects of her life – work & love, makes me want to slap some sense into her. Goddammit woman, just pick a fucking job and one man and just stay there – right there. Dammit.

I said a bang, bang, bangity bang! There are a few good reasons to bang Phoebe, but not marry her. The fact that she can be a bit of bitch, but still be a decent human being is definitely a plus. Not to mention that it’s implied that Phoebe likes it kinky – it’s good to open yourself up to new experiences…and other things (If you don’t know what I mean, I think it’s time you and I had ‘the talk’). Plus, how many of us can say we’ve done it in a yellow taxi cab? You already have? Well, alright – but for the rest of us, this is a big step forward; so stop ruining it! Jeez. But while Phoebe may be fun for making some wonderful memories, I don’t particularly see her as marriage material. Her instability, occasional air-headed tendencies, eccentricity, and vegetarian life-style mean that she and I are just not meant to be.

Marriage is about love – or so I’ve been told – and shouldn’t happen for any other reasons. Especially not the selfish reasons I am about to provide. But before you straddle your metaphorical (or quite possibly real) high horse, don’t try to claim you’ve never been selfish in a relationship before. At some point or another, you’ve done things that have benefitted you considerably more than your partner – like that time you ate the last of the peanut butter. Or the when you needed someone to sober drive you home from your friend’s kick-ass Halloween party. And we all know that you steal their warmth in the winter, like a Dementor sucking the soul out of someone. Shame on you. At least I’m honest when I say that I would marry Monica for her cleanliness and her cooking skills. Not only does she clean, but she actually enjoys the activity. So by letting her do most of the cleaning, I’m in fact being selfless – I’m giving her what she wants…Which just also happens to be what I want. Speaking of wants, I would also want some of that delicious cooking – can you imagine coming home to restaurant quality meals, every night? Without having to actually pay restaurant price?! Awwww yeah! Enough already, put a ring on my finger and show me where to sign on the paperwork.

ROSS GELLER

JOEY TRIBBIANI

CHANDLER BING

KILL

BANG

MARRY

It’s no coincidence that I killed Rachel and now I’m killing Ross. Those two are meant for one-another – and who am I to deny them such happiness? Ross strikes me as the kind of guy who moans about everything in life, but does very little to improve his situation. Not to mention he’s judgemental and depressing – I know, we sound perfect for one another, but there can only be one. And the worst thing about him is the fact that he just won’t get up off his ass and move the fuck on. Because you’re meant to feel sorry for him – poor Ross, all he wants is Rachel. The dumb-ass repeatedly wants the one thing he clearly can’t havethere’s stubbornness, and then there’s stupidity. And stupidity has got to go. Let me go get my shotgun and help him move on, so to speak.

Joey Tribbiani is just what a girl wants when she needs to have a romp in the hay. Or in the back of the car, because you’re allergic to hay…Goddamn allergies. I’d be liar if I said that Joey’s physique didn’t feature into my decision making process. There’s a reason why he gets laid all the time despite only using the line: how you doin’? He’s the kind of one-night stand that you’d take a picture of the morning after to add to your scrapbook – because who has a scrapbook of the ugly guys/girls they’ve slept with? No one. No one’s proud of that shit. Despite not being the most intelligent of the group, Joey’s heart is in the right place – and he is also a good person (please, hold the applause). And let’s not forget that after we’re done between the sheets, we can order a couple of meatball subs together and watch Die Hard from his recliner. In terms of marriage, however, Joey and I lack the kind of chemistry that sticks – sure, there’s a big exothermic reaction, but it doesn’t last long. Unfortunately, I do require some conversation to sustain my marriages, not to mention a steady and stable source of income. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.

Chandler is a douche. He spends most of his time insulting others and making life slightly more difficult for everyone else – imagine the fun times we could have together. There has to be some sort of connection between two people when they get married, and for Chandler and I, it would be our mutual love of using witty remarks to mock others. But for all his mocking, Chandler can see his own faults and laugh at himself – which is surprisingly important when you and your partner are in a constant battle of the wits. Plus, despite hating his job, Chandler sticks to it (for nine seasons – cut the guy some slack). So it’s good to know he won’t throw in the towel when we hit a few bumps in the road. And thankfully, Chandler can be just as socially awkward as myself – so we can suffer in social situations together, how romantic. Finally, he can run us both a bubble bath after a long day of insults and deadlines *sigh*.

Feature ARtISTS

YOUR MONSTER-MASH'S

Last week we asked you to submit your best monster-hybrid drawings. Here's our favourite submissions! They were so good we decided to give out runner-up prizes as well. Thanks for entering and congrats to our winners! Keep your eyes peeled for our next Gordon Harris Voucher giveaways in the next few issues...

WIN NER !

by Daniel Stent RUNNER UP

N N P RU U

by SEAN THOMPSON

by Chris HUTCHINSON

by SHANNON-MAE READ

by SACHA MCNEIL

by SARA OLIVER

Feature ARtISTS

by CLARKENT & MISS CHARLOTTE CAKE

by DAMIAN SEETO

by CHRIS SEETO

HOROSCOPES. by Jess Forsman

Gemini (May 22 - June 21) Happy birthday! Enjoy that sweet glass of assignments, a splash of exams and a shot of research. Cancer (June 22 - July23) Crabby this week? Breathe and retreat. Sleep it off, hangover and all.

Nut Syrup Cake

Leo (July 24 - Aug 23) Single? Get yourself a teddy bear. Not single? Become the teddy bear. Virgo (Aug 24 - Sep 23) It’s cold enough without you being frosty towards people, especially your dog. He just wanted to lick your face clean to help you out. Libra (Sep 24 - Oct 23) Liberated? Had a quick dip in the sea? Realised sea lice are getting hungry and now you look like you have a rash? At least you can explain it… However, you can’t explain the ladies underwear you are wearing; we all know you don’t have a girlfriend sir. Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov) Winter sucks… The stars know you hate it but it is about time you stopped returning to the foetal position in the middle of a lecture theatre - it is not a good look.

Hi everyone! I’m not going to lie when I say I love nuts… I could devour an entire bag of pistachios in record time so naturally I wanted to make a cake (my favourite food ever) with nuts. This week’s cake combines salty pistachios and creamy macadamias together in one amazingly nutty construction & judging by the response I got from the AuSM team on ‘Cake Monday’ it turned out pretty well! Also, don’t even start me on the fact that I’m a sucker for syrup… So I’ve poured some syrup over it too! Enjoy ☺

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 21) Sadistic this week? Stop stalking libra and swapping underwear with them. That is mean. Just because it is a known fact that guys undies are way comfier, that does not give you the right to point out the pink G-string he is wearing in front of his crush.

•

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 20) No need to be shy anymore - dinosaur onesies are flippin awesome, even in the supermarket. Stop the awkward shuffle from the front door to the letterbox! Be that T-Rex you have always dreamed of!

• • • • • •

Aquarius (Jan 21 - Feb 19) You are on fire this week, road rage and throwing plates at your significant other. Remember you are what you eat. So remember to eat to avoid this scary side of you. Pisces (Feb 20 - March 20) You are too loud! It is unnecessary to have conversations to your BBF from inside a toilet cubicle and it does not hide the fact you are still in the toilet cubicle. Aries (March 21 - April 20) You feel impatience is a virtue this week. The stars agree - slow walkers are the worst. But bear in mind it is winter and you are behind a seniors group on their Sunday walk. Taurus (April 21 - May 21) No matter how stubborn you are, give up on the idea that the colour mustard is the new black - it is not. It still looks like baby vomit in the sunshine.

What you will need: CAKE

125 g unsalted butter at room temperature 1 cup caster sugar 3 eggs 1 ¼ cups self-rising flour ½ cup ground almonds ½ cup milk ½ cup chopped pistachios

• •

½ cup chopped macadamias Extra finely chopped pistachios and macadamias for the top

• • •

1 cup sugar ¾ cup water ½ cup orange juice

SYRUP

Method 1.

Grease a 22 cm cake tin and preheat oven to 180c.

2. Beat butter & sugar in a bowl until light and fluffy, add eggs one at a time and beat until combined 3. Stir in flour, ground almonds, and milk until just combined. Stir in nuts and spoon into prepared cake tin. Smooth the top. 4. Cook for approximately 40 minutes in a moderate oven. Ready when a skewer inserted into the middle comes out clean. 5. To make orange syrup, combine all ingredients into a saucepan and stir over a low heat until sugar dissolves. Bring to the boil and boil for five minutes. 6. Slowly pour hot syrup over the hot cake once cooked, allowing it to soak in. Stand for 15 minutes. 7. Decorate with extra nuts and pour over any remaining syrup. Serve with whipped cream (optional). 13

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LOOKING BACK ON THE TROUBLESOME TWENTIES debate spoke to four over thirties about their unruly twenties to bring you tips and advice for the decade ahead. ANGELA HUNT - 30 Do you have any tips for surviving your 21st? Spend the first 21 years of your life getting early nights, abstaining from alcohol and sexual exploits and do plenty of good for others – this will ensure you survive your speeches. But on a more realistic note, there’s a chance you will be peer pressured into consuming vast and unreasonable amounts of alcohol so I would recommend taking it easy on the booze. Always keep a drink in hand, nurse your beers, do whatever it takes to stay sober-ish before your 21 shots or yardy. What was the best thing about living in your 20s? I think the best thing about living through my 20s when I did is that it meant my childhood and early teenage years were relatively free from all of the technology of today. It seems to be thrust onto kids so early these days that they never get the chance to be a kid. What were the challenges you faced in your 20s? Trying to find a job after leaving uni, and furthermore, trying to find a job/career that I liked.

CARL EWEN – 30. Do you have any tips for surviving your 21st? Don’t get too pissed. Maybe even split your birthday into two parties, one with mainly family and one with friends. Saves some embarrassment. Also, if you’re going to do a yardy, have a spew after. Not only does it provide a great photo opportunity, it also means you have more room for more alcohol. What was the best thing about living in your 20s? That there was no such thing as Justin Bieber or One Direction. Things were better back then. What were the challenges you faced in your 20s? Money and study. Definitely would have been the main two. Any advice for those about to face their 20s? This is the time where you are working out what you want to do in life. Career, future, partners. Work in some forward thinking and make opportunities for yourself. Also, enjoy it because 30 is a big change. Trust me, I know.

JENNY HAYES - 32

Any advice for those about to face their 20s? Know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away, know when to run… Oh. Seriously? Okay… Go wild and revel in your relative lack of responsibility, but also keep in mind that you should be living for tomorrow as well as today. Don’t splurge all of your money, try and get a good savings account started and keep your mind and your options open.

Do you have any tips for surviving your 21st? Hide your embarrassing family photos before your big night! It will save you a lot of grief if your parents think they’ve misplaced your embarrassing snaps.

VINAY GOBINDLAL - 31

What were the challenges you faced in your 20s? Trying to discover where I wanted to end up in the world. It’s pretty hard when you study for three years and come out with a degree in something you don’t enjoy, and then have to try and find a job that doesn’t drive you crazy.

Do you have any tips for surviving your 21st? Make it a night of sex, drugs and rock n roll, drink like the world is running out of alcohol, party like there’s no tomorrow! What was the best thing about living in your 20s? Co-running the Keepin’ It Real Club. Ten years ago it was AUT’s largest party club. What were the challenges you faced in your 20s? Trying to find all my illegitimate children from all those years of partying.

What was the best thing about living in your 20s? Being able to go out, have a crazy night and not pay for it for the rest of the week. Your age catches up to you pretty quickly once you hit 30…

Any advice for those about to face their 20s? Travel, make the most of your alcohol tolerance and vitality… Try your hand in as many job opportunities as you can, even if you don’t get paid. Internships can be pretty shitty but at least they give you the chance to get a taste in a job. And it looks great on your CV!

Any advice for those about to face their 20s? Always use a condom! Don’t take life so seriously, you just finished school and have your whole life ahead of you - waste the next ten years enjoying yourself and let responsibility be a problem for your 30s.

How to Make a Cyclops Pinhole Camera By Shannon-Mae Read With the cold weather approaching, soup is a warm and welcomed friend. But I bet you didn’t know that you could transform the leftover tin into a camera that creates warped and unusual images! Read more to see how, in only a few simple steps.

Musings of a middle class white girl. By Natasha Free School is a weird thing when you think about it. As soon as you’re old enough to walk and talk fairly efficiently, you’re forced into six hours of school a day, five days a week, 40 weeks of the year. Thirteen whole years later you’re then cut off from this network that helped to build who you are, who your friends are and what you enjoy. I mean, it’s really kinda rough when you look at it like that. After having your life mapped out for as long as you can remember by this government institution, we are then kicked to the curb, out in the ‘real world’ and trusted for the first time in our lives as to what the next move is. But, are we really? Like most eldest children, there’s a lot of pressure on my shoulders to ‘make it’. My mum needs something to brag about at book club, and ‘finding myself’ just doesn’t quite cut it. Believing I genuinely was allowed to decide what happens next after high school, I looked into gap year options. Camp America looked pretty rad, and my heart was set on exploring America as my next step in life. Buuuuut at 19 and in my second year of uni, it didn’t quite work out that way. The first major deciding factor was when I went to my compulsory year 13 careers councillor meeting. Upon telling her that I wished to pursue a gap year she seemed to ignore me and instead pressed a whole bunch of pamphlets for a whole bunch of universities onto me. Not exactly how I saw that going. My parents were a little more supportive, kind of. When I told them of my gap year plans they went along with it… Until about a month before uni applications were due. It was at this point when they sat me down and quite straight forwardly told me; “Tash, if you don’t go to uni next year, you’ll never go. You’re just too lazy”. Gotta love that maternal support. So, that was that. I was allowed to plan the next year of my life… As long as that plan included a full time university degree. So much freedom! But what degree was I going to choose? I’d heard the stories of the ‘Barely Anything’ degrees my whole life, but as a kid that dropped math and science as soon as possible that whole degree area was out. Where was I to go with my social enthusiasm, hate for exams, knack with social media and NCEA level 3 endorsements in drama, English and media studies? That’s right; communications. And I admit, I’ve found my people. We comms kids are a happy bunch, all with a similar ‘bare minimum’ work ethic. Right now for instance, I am supposed to be writing an expertly crafted media comm essay. Whoops. It’s been a great couple years of social media growth, crunk parties and ridiculously long holidays because we only have one exam a semester. So, here I am. 19 years of living and I technically still haven’t made an important life decision to date that hasn’t been because of heavy societal pressure. But, to be honest I don’t expect I’ll ever do anything really out of the ordinary. Sure, one day I’ll get to travel the world as I wish, but only for a limited amount of time before I settle down and prepare for life’s weight over my head, also known as a mortgage. Cynical I know, but sometimes you just have to give in to your fate. I’m a middle class white girl, there really isn’t too much room in my life for ‘crazy’ moves, unless you count downing a whole box of double blacks in one night. But, I’m accepting of it. I know I want kids, marriage, mortgage plus a cliché OE, and that’s not exactly a daredevil life plan. But I don’t really care. Ever since that time I got abducted by aliens I’ve been kinda keen to just settle down. Oh, I didn’t tell you about that? My bad.

Based off The Pinhole Camera by Brian J. Krummel What you will need: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11.

Empty and clean soup tin Black electrical tape Black acrylic paint Cardboard and scissors Aluminum square cut from soda can Small sewing needle Hammer and nail Masking tape Marker or pen Black and white photographic paper Access to a darkroom

Step 1: Prep your tin! Any size will do. I picked an old soup tin because it is the most readily available. It is helpful to choose a tin you can fit your hand in, but the most important part of this step is removing any sharp edges and leftover soup. Step 2: With your hammer and nail, create a hole in the bottom of the tin. The best part about this design is that the image produced will not be hitting the photographic paper directly, causing an intensely distorted image. Step 3: Now you need to make a lid. This is an easy method using cardboard and tape, and it can be used for any container in future camera projects. Place your tin on the cardboard and trace around the base with the marker. I used an Easter egg box this time. Cut out the circle, and a 1 inch (approx.) wide strip that will act as the side of your lid. Attach the strip to the circle with some masking tape. It does not have to be precise at this point. Then continue around the strip fastening the side and the circle. Cover the entire piece with black electrical tape. This will seal all seams while keeping light from entering your camera. Tip: Add extra black tape around the edge of the soup tin to form a tighter fit between it and the lid.

Step 4: Mask areas that you wish to protect, and then coat the interior with black paint. Flat or matte black is preferable, as it will reflect less light inside the camera. Always paint in a wellventilated area and protect surfaces with newspaper. Step 5: Construct a simple pinhole using the method previously mentioned in debate! The pinhole is centered in the middle of the larger nail hole we have already created, and stuck down on all edges with the black electrical tape. For a more finished design you can place the pinhole on the inside of the tin. Remember, you will need to create a shutter, here I have used a magnet, but a piece of black tape will work just as well too! Tips for shooting: -Due to the make of this camera, photographing scenes with strong angles and lines will create more interesting images. -For this camera it is best to shoot with light sensitive paper, and develop them after each shot in the darkroom. -Keep in mind the shooting times for pinholes and light sensitive paper. Exposing a good image will take a bit of practise and guess work, but here are some guidelines: sunny days 6 seconds; cloudy but bright days: 2.5 - 4 minutes; and heavily overcast: 4 – 8+ minutes.

UPDATES

We survived! Congrats you’ve almost survived semester one! Thank you all again for your awesome support! All the best for exams - we can’t wait to see you next semester.

University Challenge is back. Have you got what it takes to be on the AUT University team to take on all the other NZ University teams on national television? Are you a quiz whizz? Do you think you have what it takes? Trials are being held to establish our University Challenge team. Come along and put your knowledge to the test! Team trials on Wed 4th June, 4pm at WB327 and Thurs 5th June, 5pm at WA 220. Register your interest in the trial via http://ausm.org.nz/university-challenge-2014 For any further info, please contact ausm.event@aut.ac.nz Don’t stress out – chill out! Pamper time! Join us for the De-Stress Week! Manukau Campus: AuSM Big Breakfast on 4th June from 9am + free snacks and fruits on 5th June from 9am. North Shore Campus: 3rd June with AuSM Big Breakfast from 9am + 4th June with free snacks and fruits from 9am. City Campus: Free snacks and fruits on 3rd June from 9am + AuSM Big Breakfast on 5th June from 9am. FREE haircut and massage for you at City campus on 5th June from 10am – 1pm, brought to you by CutAbove Academy! Check out www.ausm.org.nz or Facebook page www.facebook.com/ausm1 for more info! 2014 AuSM Pool Competition – Final Grab your lunch at Vesbar this Wednesday and watch this amazing pool competition from 12-1pm! For more info: https://www.facebook.com/ausm1/events Here to Help The AuSM Advocacy service can help you with any troubles that you encounter during your time at AUT. Book an appointment with us on any campus through the Advocacy page on www.ausm.org.nz and it’s free. Need a job? Student Job Search is the best place to find a job while studying, hit up www.sjs.co.nz 17

GROWING UP WORDFIND

TWENTYFIRSTSEASON

DECREASINGMETABOLISM

FIRSTWRINKLE

SOMUCHREGRET

GRADUATION

MOVINGOUT

WEDDINGSEASON

PAYINGTAXES

BROKE

COFFEEOVERDOSE

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OHGODIMPREGNANT

JOBINTERVIEWS

IHATEPAYINGRENT

RECEDINGHAIRLINE

NOBANKBALANCE

LONGTERMRELATIONSHIPS

NINETOFIVE

QUARTERLIFECRISIS

BEERBELLY

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Circle all the words in the GROWING UP Wordfind, tear this page out & pop it into the box on the side of the red debate stands, and you could win a voucher for Al's Deli! Tooooo easy! Winner will be notified by email. While you're at it, care to write us a lovenote, hatemail or even a suggestion? We'd love to hear it!

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TIC-TAC-TOE

Grab a buddy, get out your pens, and tune out your lecturer. It's TICTACTOE time.

WORD JUMBLER TWENTY How many words of three letters or more can you find in the word TWENTY? Go on, I bet if you procrastinate you can find out. 8 â&#x20AC;&#x201C; 11 Meh 12 - 15 Great 16+ Amazing

What We Can Learn From Friends By Alex Casey I am in my 20s, and have found myself increasingly having breakdowns. Not just little stressed out help-me-I-have-an-assignment-due breakdowns, full on Ron-Burgundy-scream-weeping-in-aphonebox breakdowns. I feel comfortable sharing this fact with you because, as a university student, you are either in this phase or well-nearing this phase. During my latest episode of screaming “I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING WITH MY LIFE” into a pillow, a very wise Buddha gave me some simple but reassuring advice: “You don’t need to worry, you have plenty of time. You aren’t even as old as Rachel Green at the start of Friends”. The clouds cleared, the snot dried and I ordered myself a delicious burger, the wise Buddha was right. But if we look to Friends as a blueprint for how to live successfully (and hilariously) in your 20s, what will we learn? Despite the fundamental problem of the Friends universe (one of all-white heterosexuality), this classic sitcom contains some good nuggets of advice for struggling 20-30 year olds. 1) Baths are good. Chandler’s bath episode gets the number one spot because baths rule and are something that we don’t talk about enough. I feel like having a bath is not a very young-professional 20s thing to do for some reason. We are all supposed to be juggling YOLO-ing with getting educated and employed and worldly but staying young and free at the same time. When it all gets too much, have a lovely bath. 2) Pivoting is important. Who hasn’t yelled “PIVOT” when moving furniture into a new place? This iconic couch-up-the-stairs scene really resonates with people skipping from flat to flat. I know someone who drunkenly carried a new couch up about eight flights of stairs, mucho pivoto.

3) Give cooking a shot. Remember when Rachel makes a traditional English trifle containing cream, custard and beef mince? Being in your 20s is a good time to experiment with different recipes and flavours from all around the world. If it goes wrong, give it to the “Joey” in your life. If you make a mess of it, just do a lil’ dance all covered in sauce. 4) Never plan to party. If there is one thing that I have learnt, it’s not to plan too much to have a good time. As philosopher Karl Pilkington once said, there is nothing worse than organised fun. Ross and Chandler flip out at the news that their party buddy Gandalf is coming to town, and overplan for the fun they are anticipating. We’ve all done this: got all amped up for having the night of your life, and instead have gone home early via McDonalds drive thru to watch a lovely movie instead. No? Just me? Oh okay. 5) Wear all your clothes. This is quite a time specific one but lets face it, its bloody freezing right now and who can afford to heat themselves 24/7 in some electric suit? Take a leaf out of Joey’s book and wear all of your clothes at one time, walk into the middle of Queen St and bellow COULD I BE WEARING ANY MORE CLOTHES until the divine power that is causing us all this icy misery surrenders to you. 6) Don’t get bogged down by the lobster theory. Phoebe’s theory is that lobsters “fall in love” and mate for life, wandering around the tank in their old age with claws intertwined. I don’t know how much clout Phoebe has as relationship expert, she did write “smelly cat”. Ross and Rachel are supposed to be a lobster pair, but have their fair share of problems throughout the series. Even lobsters are allowed to “go on a break” from time to time. 7) Figure out what you like. There is a reason this one is at number seven. Friends did a lot for representing female sexuality on screen, at least within prime time boundaries.

Who can forget Monica writing her full paint my numbers of the seven female erogenous zones to Chandler and then just going full When Harry Met Sally on the couch? Excellent. 8) Don’t get a spray tan. Ross gets a spray tan and forgets to adequately pivot his body whilst in the automated machine. The result of this is that he looks like a piece of white toast with vegemite and is ridiculed by all. This should be a lesson to us all, spray tans are stupid and don’t get one. 9) Have a weird job. One of the biggest gags of Friends is that nobody knows what Chandler’s job is. You might know someone like this, who has already settled into an internship followed by a job offer, who now works in an office and does real things. Real, yet intangibley gobbledegook-sounding things. Also, if you have tried to look for a job on trademe recently, you will see that almost 80 per cent of them are non-descript “marketing communications consultancy” or something equally as abstract. It’s vogue, its young professional. 10) Get off the metaphorical plane. The most iconic friends moment arguably is Rachel getting off the plane to come back to Ross. Now, I’m not saying drop everything and run screaming after that guy that told you your shirt was inside out in your lecture, but I am saying that your 20s is a time where you can take risks. Allow yourself to get off the metaphorical plane to follow the metaphorical Ross, whatever or whoever that might be. I don’t know if taking advice from a television show is always necessarily a good idea, but Friends seemed to be grounded in a certain reality that, looking at it now as an adult, went beyond the typical sitcom. The friends went through many partners, tragedies, triumphs and jobs- proving that the world in your 20s is a weird and sometimes scary place. As Monica says to Rachel: “welcome to the real world. It sucks, you’re going to love it”.

FEELING CHEATED BY MY 21st By Kieran Bennett. I remember quite clearly being struck with a powerful realisation when I was lining up outside my new classroom in primary school. I had just turned six the world would never be the same again. Surely this was the height of age; there was nowhere to go after this. Pretty soon (I was sure) I would need to start thinking about the future. School would be over soon and all of a sudden I would need to get a job. I panicked mildly to say the least - I was only six and visions of working nine to five filled my head. I didn’t even own a suit, let alone really understand what one was. I have recently turned 21 and am in my final year of my bachelor’s degree. In hindsight I have come to the firm conclusion that six-year-old me was full of shit. Turning 21 was built up in my head to be this sudden, life changing moment. The way that other people had talked about my 21st, the way they had hyped the event made it seem as though at the moment of my cakecutting, angels would descend from the sky and bestow me with a sense of responsibility and a large reserve of intelligence. While I did receive a large quantity of icing and calories, I did not find myself changed in any great way. In fact, when I was asked how it felt to be 21, I said it felt exactly the same as being 20. Which was true; there was no great revelation on either the day of my birthday or the day of my party. I, like thousands of people before me I suppose, felt vaguely cheated. I woke up on the morning of my birthday really only needing to pee. I’m not horribly surprised however. The world is full of people complaining about how they experienced no great revelation during their 16th, 18th, 21st or any other birthday. And yet I still expected it to happen. Is the fact that it didn’t some kind of indication that the quality of birthdays and epiphanies is slipping in today’s world? No, I don’t think so. It didn’t happen because there isn’t really anything to learn. No one point of your life can change you forever. Sure, something can happen that could start to change you, but it’s all about what happens afterwards. I finished primary and intermediate and went to high school, obviously a big moment in my life. But who I am now is a result of five years of high school (and all the accompanying awkwardness that that entails), not a single day or moment. I don’t of course mean to discount people who actually, genuinely have had those moments of clarity; I’m just saying they’re the exception not the rule. I, to date, don’t know of a single person who upon getting a day older suddenly found themselves in possession of the ultimate knowledge of adulthood. We’re led to believe that this knowledge is sudden, but the ultimate knowledge of adulthood is a precious thing, it has to be earned. It takes time, a little bit of sweat and a small of amount of tears, but mainly time. When I was six, I was essentially the Jon Snow of life. I knew nothing, was heir to a vast northern estate and spent a lot of time pouting while staring into the middle distance. Now that I’m 21 I’ve lost the northern estate and I spend less time pouting, but I still know nothing. Of course neither does anyone else, and there’s the rub. When I turned 21 I learnt how to throw a wonderful party and that was about it. And really, that’s totally okay. Here’s how.

MY TIPS FOR A SEMI-PRETTY-GOOD 21ST BIRTHDAY PARTY/JAM/ BASH/SOIREE. So, you want to celebrate your 21st? I suppose you think it’s just a matter of inviting some people around to your house or maybe going out for some drinks and having a good time? The people you love and love you and all that? As a genuine 21-year-old, I must say you have never been more wrong. Your 21st birthday is a delicately balanced affair of food, drink and tiny plastic cups that must be approached with respect and caution. Let’s look at how to craft the perfect 21st. 1) Send out your invites months in advance. -No one ever really wants to come to a 21st; however by sending invites out well in advance you can socially pressure people into coming. They’ve had four months’ notice, they can’t not come right? For the best results, send your invites out shortly after exiting the womb and seal the envelopes with umbilical fluid. 2) Create a simple, yet varied menu of food. -When deciding what food you will be serving at your most wonderful of celebrations, make sure the menu is simple enough to cook without too much trouble, but complex enough to intimidate people slightly with your skill. For bonus points, cook just enough dishes so that there isn’t enough room to have one of everything. 3) Buy a variety of alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks. -It’s important that everyone has a choice about their choice of beverage for the night. Ask people in advance what they would like to drink and buy two of their preferences so each guest spends a good 15 minutes agonizing over the tub of drinks. 4) Create a playlist that reflects you, not popular music tastes. -This is your party right? So when it comes to the music sit down and decide what music best reflects your own tastes and enjoyment. Utterly disregard the fact this is for a party and just throw any old thing in. If drum and bass is your thing, awesome. Equally, if Norwegian flugelhorn is your jam, crank that shit all night. 5) Hold the party at your own house. -More money for booze and food, simple as. 6) Arrange your speeches well in advance -Do a quick survey amongst your guests as to who will be giving a speech and then ban them from speaking. Instead, create little compliment cards of nice things your guests can say about you and get them to read them aloud. Make sure to acknowledge your guests by admitting that all those nice things are 100% true. 7) Don’t do 21 shots, a yardie or a quarter gallon drum of absinthe -The fleeting feeling of social acceptance and the fluttering glow of victory is nothing compared to the lingering joy of actually remembering your party. In fact, just to be sure, drink nothing but water the entire night, eat only water crackers and go to bed at 9.00pm. 8) Take photos -When the magnificence of youth has faded, you’ll want to look back on the times when you had dreams, hopes and a genuine chance at life. Your 21st photos are not a good thing to look at for this, but at least they’re amusing. 9) Enjoy yourself -Let’s be honest, everyone else the same age as you is most likely turning 21 this year as well. In the grand scheme of things your party is actually pretty inconsequential. No one will remember your party anyway; why not just have fun with it?

The ridiculous shit people expect you to do in your twenties

by Louise Stone So you’ve made the step from teens to twenties; and along with this transition comes a whole list of shit that you’re expected to have done by the time you hit 30. And as with a lot of societal expectations, they’re unrealistic, subjective, and just generally idiotic. Finish with all your younger and wilder days. I’ve been told that by the time my twenties are over, I should have gotten rid of all those desires to misbehave and have fun. And when 30 comes around, it’s time to put my game face on, get serious, and get shit done. Fuck you. Since when was there a time limit on how much fun I can have for the rest of my life? Never, that’s when. Don’t tell us we have to get all the fun out of the way now – there are too many things to do and too little time. If I want to be 30 and still partying at night and playing with Lego during the day, then I’m going to do it dammit. We shouldn’t feel pressured that this is our last chance to be crazy and have adventures – you’re whole life is supposedly meant to be an adventure, not just one decade. Buy a house With what fucking money?! Oh, that’s right, I just have enormous nest eggs that I was keeping for a rainy day. Silly me. Have you seen the prices of houses in Auckland – or even in the country in general? Oh, but house prices have declined in the past few years, you should be able to snag one real easy. Ok, let’s do some basic math. I’m going to say that my future home is $500,000. And I need a 20 per cent deposit in order to own that home – so that’s $100,000. Do you keep that kind of money just lying around? You don’t? I wonder why. Oh, you want me to go to the bank and get a loan, a mortgage, and a ridiculously high interest rate? Well, it seems like a sensible idea to borrow more money than I can afford, but no. And aren’t you the one always bitching about how I should borrow as little money as possible? Yes, yes you are. Buying a house during your twenties is not a feasible and realistic action for most, so just back off and let us rent. Get married I argue that this is an expectation of both genders. For women, it’s: you’re not getting any younger, and you need a man to make you happy. And, from what I have heard, for men it’s: you need a woman to look after you, plus we want grandkids… Here’s the problem with the whole getting married thing, I have to find someone who will put up with my shit – this is no easy task. And it’s not a simple process of “you’re

nice and we’ve known each other for five minutes, just dedicate our lives to one-another”. You kinda have to get to know the person and invest a number of years into the relationship. Not to mention, maybe getting married isn’t important to me. Maybe I just want to spend my life with someone who makes me happy, and not sign a piece of paper that makes this legally binding. A marriage certificate is kinda like a contract – and who wants to make their relationship a business? And even if we do decide to get married, where am I going to get the money to pay for that?! I already spent everything on that house you told me was so important. I don’t have to spend a lot? Pfff, we all know you’re expecting gourmet food, a towering cake, and a free bar. That stuff ain’t cheap. It’s time you started seriously considering kids Like the marriage issue, there is societal pressure for both men and women to make babies. And quite frankly, I don’t see why. We want grandkids – oh, that’s funny, you want grandkids, so I should push a watermelon out of my vagina so your wish comes true. Not to mention having to invest thousands of dollars and hours into raising a person and doubting myself every step of the way. Well, that seems fair. And let’s be honest, you’re hardly ever going to babysit them, because soon you’re going to start complaining about your age and saying that they’re my responsibility. Having kids fulfils your life. You’re completely right. I hear so many stories about childless parents who just have totally unfulfilled lives, and they can’t go on and everything is just pointless. Fuck wits. There are plenty of ways we can fulfil our lives, without children; and I plan on spending all the money I saved from not having children, doing just that. Decide on a career path – and never change it In comparison to previous centuries, modern populations have high turnover rates for careers. Now more than ever, we jump from job and job, trying to fit something that makes us happy but pays a decent wage. We’re sorry we’re just trying to make our lives bearable. You’re right; we should just pick a job and stick to it, no matter how unhappy and depressed it makes us. What a wonderful life. Or, here’s a crazy idea, we’re still in our twenties – and we have approximately 40 years of work ahead of us (assuming we retire at 65); so maybe we should spend a few years trying to find something that actually works for us. At this point in our lives, some of us are still trying to decide on a university or a degree; we can’t even begin to think about committing ourselves to one specific career at the moment. We will probably get there, but just give us a realistic time frame.

flickr.com/photos/kalexanderson

Money saving tips. by Matthew Anal Cattin With student loans slowly accumulating over students’ heads, the majority of those reading this will likely be in considerable debt before graduation. Congratulations… Add to that living and transport costs, and it quickly becomes apparent that no demographic goes backwards faster than students. Here are a few tips to help save what little coinage you have.

Stick to your shopping lists. Ever wondered why every supermarket you visit has a similar layout? It’s not for your convenience and it’s definitely not to deprive you of the chance to show off your orienteering skills. Supermarkets are specifically designed to rob you of your coin by way of impulse purchases. They target your eye level with all the goodies you don’t necessarily need, but desire nonetheless, and this causes your wallet to suffer. That, dear friends, is why there are always candy bars at the checkout, right at the eye level of gluttonous kids. To combat the sneaky supermarkets, make a list at home of necessary purchases, and stick to it. Allow for a few exceptions and specials of course, but for the most part, you should be sticking to your list at all costs.

Don’t buy drinks in town. I have one hyphenated word for you; pre-drinks. For a simple bevvy in town, let’s say a beer or cider, you’re looking at $7-9. It may seem reasonable when you’re hot and sweaty after cranking your moves on the D-floor, but when you compare it to supermarket prices, you’re being totally duped my friends. A 12 pack of beer will cost you 20 dollars at Countdown while in a bar or club, a 20 won’t even get you three pints. If you’re planning a night out, do your (sensible) drinking at home first and then stick to water for the rest of the night. You, and your wallet, will be better for it come the next morning.

Cook for several. If you’re cooking just for yourself, it’s never a bad idea to up your quantities to make enough for a few days’ worth of leftovers. As a general rule of thumb, the more you cook, the cheaper it will cost you. I guess the downbuzz of this is eating the same food for several meals, but that’s where your cooking creativity can save the day. Say you’re cooking up a spaghetti Bolognese one night for tea. Why not make an excessive amount of mince and use it in meals for the next few days? You could make nachos, wedges, shepherd’s pie, burritos, the world is your oyster. And who doesn’t love heating up a burrito for lunch at work or uni? Nobody, that’s who.

Unsubscribe. When was the last time you bought something you actually NEEDED on a one day deal website? I believe my last two purchases were a unicycle and a box of 10 lanterns that are still sitting in my wardrobe. Sure, some necessities do come up occasionally for a good price, but once you tack shipping costs on to every purchase, it’s not always as good a deal as it may seem. The best way to avoid being sucked in to low quality, impulse purchases is to simply unsubscribe because let’s be honest with ourselves, do we really need a kilo bag of gummy bears?

Cut your own hair. Haircuts are incredibly expensive and I am consistently shocked at the lengths (shit I am clever) some people go to for a good one, you know, with layers and stuff. When you are a student however, and your entire income comes from the government, perhaps you ought to refrain from $80 monthly trims. I’ve been cutting my hair for years, and while it does result in a mullet from time to time (I can’t see the back), it’s saved me heaps of coin. Those with higher standards of looking good will probably not be keen to follow this advice, so I present an alternative. Get your haircuts with apprentice barbers. Yes, they are still learning and might not be quite as good as a profesh, but they usually only charge a tenner for their efforts, if they charge at all. Seek them out! They’ll appreciate experimenting on your head of hair and you’ll appreciate the extra coin.

Thirty day rule. This one takes a lot of will power to stick to but if you’re a bigger person than I, you might find it handy. If you’re tempted to make a purchase, be it a Gangnam style T-shirt, a unicycle or gummy bears, challenge yourself to put it off for 30 days. If you still want it after a month, buy it. If you don’t, congratulations, you just saved yourself a stooooopid purchase. Note: don’t use this one for food shopping.

Home brew. If you’re big on beer, but you’re buying it every week, you’re doing it wrong. Home brew is incredibly easy to do, amazingly cheap, and if you get your act together, you can make a bevvy that’s as good the bought stuff and a fraction of the price. A typical batch of homebrew makes 23 litres of beer, and will set you back around $25. With three bottles to a litre, that’s roughly 70 bottles of beer on the wall. Don’t worry about doing the maths – I’ve done it for you. That’s 35 cents a bottle or just over four dollars a twelve pack. Money saving at its best.

Buy bulk. It will cost you more upfront but less in the long run if you buy bulk. Ten kilos of rice may seem excessive, but it’s a hell of a lot cheaper than buying 10 one kilo bags over a few months. Same goes for most foods – just don’t be a noob and bulk up on items with short life spans. Nobody likes rotten fruit. 23

SURVIVING YOUR 20S SURVIVING YOUR 20S ALONE

ALONE.

By Laurien Barks Unless you count my cat, my other cat, celebrities, or a long line of unrequited love interests, one could safely come to the conclusion that I have never been in a relationship. Ever. I’m 20 years old, and still waiting for a Prince Charming who doesn’t repulse me, call me ‘bro’ or ‘man,’ or secretly like boys. Up until this point, those have sadly been my only options. When the universe handed out relationship luck, I was too busy petting a cat and missed out. I guess the silver lining to the cloud of evaporated lonely tears that follows me around everywhere is that I am in a highly informed position and am willing to share my experiences with you. If you’re feeling a bit down about your single life, this article, through the magic of comparison, will make you feel better about yourself by enabling you to say ‘well, at least I’m not her!’ If you’re down about your single life, and are not a complete dick who finds happiness in other people’s sorrow, then this article will make you feel better by showing you that you’re not alone, and even offer you a bit of singledom empowerment. So sit back with a tub of ice cream, crank the female power ballads, and snuggle into your man-shaped pillow... I present to you the pros and cons of facing your 20s (and all years leading up to your 20s) alone. Pro: You can do whatever the heck you want. All. The. Time. You know what I did yesterday while your boyfriend made you sit through that basketball game/work dinner/gory car chase movie full of guns and war and stuff? I wrapped myself in a blanket, played my favourite music, read a damn good book, and ate potatoes. And nobody judged me for it, because my cat doesn’t judge me ever.

Con: You constantly fall in and out of love with strangers on public transport. It’s a painful and emotional roller coaster full of ups and downs. I was in love with Ferry Boy for about six months until I saw him with his girlfriend one day. After all we’d been through, the staring from afar, the avoided eye contact, the occasionally building up the courage to sit almost beside him...wasted. Makes you wonder if you ever really meant anything to them at all. Pro: You get to know exactly what you want and need. The longer I’m single, the more I understand the kind of qualities that I want and value in another person. I’m past the stage of teenage hormones and relationships for the sake of relationships. I have an open minded, but clear understanding of what my partner in crime will be like, and single life has taught me not to settle, but to be patient until the real thing comes along. Con: You’re really bad at flirting, ‘cute’ texting, and ‘girl’ dancing. Pretty much all things sexy are absent from your skill repertoire. I feel like this is partially the reason that I’m single - apparently snorting when you laugh, and dancing like a helicopter are turn offs? But I also feel like I’m so bad at these things, BECAUSE I’m single... I’ve never had the chance to learn, or had anyone to practice on except my mum... And for some reason I don’t think she would like it if I tried to practice twerking and slut dropping with her. It’s an endless cycle.

WHEN THE UNIVERSE HANDED OUT RELATIONSHIP LUCK, I WAS TOO BUSY PETTING A CAT AND MISSED OUT.

Con: You go to the movies by yourself, and you don’t mind until you get there and the only other people are happy couples, so you end up spending the whole movie chucking popcorn at their heads because you hate their happiness. Pro: You never have any awkward ex encounters. I never have to worry about running into an ex and not knowing what to say because, guess what? I don’t have one. Never being loved doesn’t look so bad now, does it! Con: You want to be hugged ALL the time, because the only person who hugs you is your mum, and since you’re rarely at home, you go into major withdrawal. But despite your overwhelming desire to go full koala on people, you can’t bring yourself to initiate with them... Waiting is hard. Pro: You bond so much with your girlfriends over your forever single life. Whether I’m secretly in love with some boy, or swearing off men forever, I go to my best friend’s house, lie down on her floor, and spill my guts to her over a big plate of pizza or a tub of ice cream (or both…). Nothing brings girls together like boy talk and carbs.

Pro: I get to have a dozen guy friends to go out with, dance with, cuddle with, ‘plus one’ with, dinner and movie with, heart to heart with, and who I can ask to help adjust my bra straps, without any guilt or jealousy to deal with when I go back home to my boo. Because by the time I get home, he’s just laying on my bed purring, and occasionally licking himself... He doesn’t care at all.

Con: You have a legitimate anxiety over what to do with a boyfriend when you actually find one that you like. What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Is it acceptable just to leave them to roam about in the house when you go out, or do you need to put them in the backyard? Pro: You realize that the core reason that you’re single is because you are happy on your own. You’re happy with yourself and you’re happy with your own individual groove, and that’s a hard thing to achieve. As many single jokes as I make, I know how lucky I am to actually be one hundred percent okay with being on my own. It’s a reassurance that I’ll never rely on anyone to grant me my happiness, and therefore remove the power for anyone to take it away. It sounds cheesy, but it’s true. It places me in the position to accept someone who enhances my life, not someone who defines it. And when they decide to show up, they’ll find me with a cat on my lap, a bowl of potatoes in my hands, and a smile on my face.

A SINGLE MAN’S TIPS FOR TALKING TO WOMEN By Matthew Cattin Last week I brought you terrific tips on where to meet singles; fantastic knowledge to have sure, but useless without a follow up conversation strategy. As the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t teach it how to pick up singles and not look like a tool. Unfortunately, overly-confident young lads are persistent triers, and while God loves a trier, I don’t think women are overly keen. You know the type; stringy singlet on a cold night to show off the protein shakes, tribal tattoos, dog tags and a self-assured belief they are God’s greatest gift to women’s genitals. It is this same breed that use smutty pickup lines, grab what they shouldn’t and get in a shit when they’re rightfully put in place. While I would never think to imitate the shitty behaviour some guys deem acceptable, I am still very conscious of the fact that if I finally summon the courage to approach a girl, I might be passed off as a tool just for trying. I mean, let’s face it… A small portion of guys have given us as a gender a pretty bad name, especially when it comes to interacting with women. However, despite the fact I have incredibly limited experience on initiating conversations with women, I have asked around and come up with a few helpful tips, guidelines, do’s and don’ts to help you scallywags put your best foot forward and not come across as a tool. Be yourself. I’m aware that it is the most clichéd, overused line of advice of all time, pulled out in every kid’s film ever created, but gosh darnit if you can’t be yourself upon first contact with somebody, well you’ve gone and stabbed yourself in the foot haven’t you? If you’re a Harry Potter nut, and you happen to notice a gorgeous woman across the room, whip out your replica elder wand and shout ‘accio!’ and

see what happens. If they’re as mad on Potter as you are, you may have just won yourself the best meeting story that ever happened. If not, they may ask why you’re yelling and pointing a twig at them. If this is the case, it would never have worked anyway - pick up your robes and your dignity and run away, firing Obliviate spells over your shoulder. My point is, if you have the guts to be yourself, you’ll attract those that are right for you. If you lose your cool and act like somebody else, you’ll likely attract somebody interested in qualities the real you may not possess. There’s nobody better to be than yourself, so best put your own foot forward first – no other shoe will fit. And also, don’t yell spells at women… They probably won’t appreciate it. Or at least save it for your second date. Take a punt. I discovered recently from a reputable source (a real life girl) that puns are a good way to make a good first impression. Not only do they show off the fact you’re a witty son of a gun, they also prove your aptitude for being a good father, for all good dads punish their kids on a regular basis. However, don’t try too hard to crack a pun – only use your wit when there is a good opportunity to do so, otherwise you will come across as a total punt. Compliments are key. Compliments are your go to method of dipping your toes in and letting a lady know you’re interested. However, in my opinion, and believe me I am no expert, a compliment can just as easily break your chances as they can make them. While complimenting a lady on her appearance may seem like the most obvious choice, it’s also the easiest. Why not spend some time talking to her, learn a thing or two about her, and then compliment her on something that isn’t just skin deep, perhaps her ambitions, her sense of humour or her smarts. Good looking folks get complimented on their appearances all the time – stand out

by looking deeper. Also, make sure you take your time to slip in a compliment – don’t just charge in blindly with praise as it can cause awkwardness. Offer your digits. If things are going well and conversation is flowing, you may reach the conclusion that you would like to see this special somebody again. Exchanging numbers is the age old method of ensuring a follow up meeting so here is a courteous tip to help you do so. While you may be digging the conversation, unless you ask (which is a bit awkward) it’s not always easy to know if the feeling is reciprocated. You may be having a ball, but for all you know, your conversation partner might be desperately trying to make eye contact with her friends to seek rescue. Therefore I believe it is only courteous that you offer your number, rather than ask for hers. That way, the ball is in her court and you haven’t made the situation unnecessarily awkward by putting her on the spot. If the interest was mutual, she will likely give you her number in return or give you a text. Easy. If dating ain’t your thang, that’s cool too. While dating may look cool when John Cusack does it, that doesn’t mean the real world mirrors that magic. Meeting new people can be awkward, sweaty, difficult, and if things don’t go to plan, it can make you doubt yourself, feel self-conscious and make you want to hide under a rock with a blanket and cookies. So, if dating isn’t your thing, and you’re happy to spend your Friday nights curled up in bed with a cheesy 80s film and a cuddle buddy pillow, well kudos to you my friend, you are winning at life. You don’t need no relationship to make you feel successful, and you can take pleasure in the knowledge that if you lie there long enough, them babes will come to you.

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10 Things You Learn From Working in a Sex Shop

By Clarkent 1. PEOPLE LIKE TO HANG AROUND Its odd right! You’d think a sex shop is a place that would make you feel awkward, the kind of place that would make you want to just buy your purchases and leave before someone spots your car out in the car park! But it’s the complete opposite - people like to linger! They like to liiiiinger! They stick around in the store like it’s their second home. The longest I’ve ever had guy hang around for is 3.5 hours, staring at dildos for his “friend”. 2. FRIEND SHOPPING This is a common occurrence, especially for men shopping for homosexual porn; a “friend” they’re always shopping for. This poor, shy guy is too afraid to come into the shop himself, but he has always conveniently entrusted his secret to one best friend who does all his sex shopping for him. What a fucking epic friend! Women have this friend too but not as often as men. My favourite “friend” customer was a guy with very feminine mannerisms that came in once a week with to buy porn for his missus who was too shy to come in! I saw this guy every week for a year but never once met this elusive missus… 3. STRIPPER POLES These turn every woman that walks into the store into a stripper - I suggest every man gets one of these in his house somewhere! Get two if you have to! 4. THREESOMES These are a common offer to anyone working in sex stores; the only problem is the threesomes on offer are generally not the ones you want. Nine out of the 10 offers I’ve ever had were for the Devil’s Three Way! 5. STRANGE REQUESTS I’ve heard it all from “can I try this vibrator here in the store”, to “can you use this on me?” The best request I had was from a guy moving to Dubai who purchased a dildo called the ‘Great American Challenge’ (a 15”monster that’s bigger than my forearm. It deserves to be a hybrid in the debate monster section). He wanted to know if a strict sexually regulated country

would have any issue with him taking it into the country. All I can say is that the guy did buy the dildo but whether he made it across that border, I’ll never know. 6. STRANGE PHRASES The amount of random names and sayings people have for the most simple things is ridiculous! I can now watch Deuce Bigalow European Gigolo like a PhD student going over his notes! 7. HAND SANITIZER Hand Sanitizer is your best friend. At one point I’m sure I used so much of the stuff I felt like an addict looking for his next fix, just constantly cleaning my hands after touching everything… 8. SEX IS NEVER ORDINARY The world of sex that you are currently exposed to is nothing compared to what exists within the crazy sexual underworld of the porn store. The amount of requests you get for products that you wouldn’t think exist would amaze you. I’ve sold everything from latex pig masks that suffocate you to metal gloves that electrocute you and anyone you touch. 9. WORKING GIRLS HAVE THE BEST STORIES Instead of telling you some gibberish about this I may as well just share one of the amazing working girl stories I’ve heard! One day a girl walked into the store in a complete hurry, taxi waiting outside, frantically looking for a pair of pink stockings. While helping her find some stockings I casually enquire why she’s in a hurry. I was informed that she was late for a 20 man orgy! Her client was a gentleman that treated his employees as a work incentive every month, with the employee of the month getting her all to himself. 10. SEX IS ALWAYS ON OFFER Enough said…

BROKE By Amelia Petrovich If you’re in your twenties, you’re broke. This is a universal law, more universal than gravity because planes exist. They found a way around that shit but twenty-somethings cannot find a way around being broke. Even if you’re living at home right now thinking about how lucky you are to have everything paid for by other people, you too are part of this. Y’all may not be broke but you’re bound to be breaking something, possibly your parent’s hearts, who knows? If you’re earning cash by writing out fake parking fines you may be creative, but you’re morally broke. We’re all broke somehow. My particular deficiency right now is money - there’s not really much joy in having four zeroes in your bank account if there’s no digit in front of them (that’s $00.00 kids), and I literally live to the very end of my means most weeks. Not kidding, I spent my last $3.50 on a coffee today and for a whole 48 hours I’m just going to roll with the punches and see where life takes me. Yet I’m still here. You’d think that would make me the perfect person to give advice to all you struggling, money deprived pups right? Not so. I am the human embodiment of a pair of yellow crocs - I get from A to B just fine but that does not in any way make me acceptable. I am shameless and desperate when it comes to money conservation and whilst I would love to offer a hand to everyone out there trying to kid themselves that minimum wage bumping up to $14.25 is exciting, I just can’t because I would not for a second wish anyone to end up like me. Allow me to elaborate. I pretty much don’t go into shops anymore because everything I am tempted to buy is as financially stupid as it is conceptually exciting. Pen shaped like an ice cream cone? Nope. Floor-length Victorian nightie because maybe one day I could chop it up and make a cute summer/club/whatever dress? No sir. Never ending string of fairy lights? Just stop. One thing I can’t say no to buying however is food because of, you know, sustenance and stuff, so my grocery shopping seems to go one of two ways and both of them are utterly pathetic for different reasons. First I have the ‘prioritize and strategize’ approach, which I run like a military training exercise for really pedantic, health-minded people. You want to make sure you’re getting maximum nutrition for minimum

cash. Fibre is also super important because if you’re fuller for longer you’re not going to get hungry and if you’re not getting hungry you’re not buying food. This approach has seen me on my hands and knees comparing the fibre vs. sugar content of two almost identical brands of baked beans, feverishly trying to figure out if that extra 10c is worth the added sugar (which would make it tasty but also maybe make me slightly more hungry afterwards) and extra 0.5g of fibre that Watties is going to give me compared to whatever the hell else I just picked up. It’s also during this approach that ‘budget’ and ‘home brand’ foods become hugely important because why bother paying for packaging? You don’t need beautiful looking designer chickpeas. Designer chickpeas are the mark of someone who knows where their life is heading. That’s not you. Put them down. That’s me on a good day. In my more sinister hours of financial deprivation I start questioning myself pretty deeply. ‘Sultana Bran or Weetbix?’ becomes ‘Do I need cereal or do I want a $2 bag of oats?’ This pretty swiftly becomes ‘Why have breakfast when you can eat a banana?’ which then regresses to ‘eating is silly, if I go back to sleep I won’t even feel the hunger!’ I’m not saying these tactics don’t save you money, they definitely do. But the explanation as to why they’re inadequate is the same each time and that explanation is always ‘because Amelia is lazy and a terrible, terrible role model. Also looking after yourself is important and stuff.’ One thing my poverty has taught me to do though that I am proud of is to absolutely rock the sober town-going game. Yeah guys that’s right, you don’t have to be sloshed on a Friday night! Do you have any idea how much money you save per weekend if you don’t drink? I’m not too sure because I don’t do the maths stuff so well but I’m adamant it’s absolutely loads. Though I have to admit, I’m not sure if I can dance at a club sober because I have no shame and thus end up saving money or if I have no money, as a result have become shameless and just so happen to dance sometimes. Alternatively if you don’t like the idea of shaking your groove thang unaided, you could try being nice to people and hoping they’ll shout you when you’re in a tight spot but this is New Zealand, not an American romcom and being nice is exhausting, let’s be honest. I’m not sure how to end this now. I am the worst, go forth and deal with your twenties better than I do! Any donations will be gratefully accepted. 29

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EDGE OF TOMORROW is coming to cinemas June 5, and Warner Bros. Pictures and Debate are giving you the chance WIN one of 25 double passes to this massive blockbuster! Email Matthew at m.cattin@aut.ac.nz with your name and student ID number to win yourself some tickets! SYNOPSIS Oscar® nominee Tom Cruise (the “Mission: Impossible” films, “Collateral,” “Jerry Maguire”) and Emily Blunt (“The Devil Wears Prada,” “The Adjustment Bureau”) star in Warner Bros. Pictures’ and Village Roadshow Pictures’ sci-fi thriller “Edge of Tomorrow,” under the direction of Doug Liman (“The Bourne Identity,” “Mr. & Mrs. Smith”).

The epic action of “Edge of Tomorrow” unfolds in a near future in which an alien race has hit the Earth in an unrelenting assault, unbeatable by any military unit in the world. Major William Cage (Cruise) is an officer who has never seen a day of combat when he is unceremoniously dropped into what amounts to a suicide mission. Killed within minutes, Cage now finds himself inexplicably thrown into a time loop—forcing him to live out the same brutal combat over and over, fighting and dying again…and again. But with each battle, Cage becomes able to engage the adversaries with increasing skill, alongside Special Forces warrior Rita Vrataski (Blunt). And, as Cage and Rita take the fight to the aliens, each repeated encounter gets them one step closer to defeating the enemy. M: VIOLENCE AND OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE www.edgeoftomorrowmovie.co.nz

REVIEWS

Do your strong opinions drive away your friends? Send us an email at mcattin@aut.ac.nz to contribute to our reviews section.

Chef Directed by Jon Favreau Starring Jon Favreau, Robert Downey Jr., Scarlett Johansson

had a minor role for his third collaboration with Favreau. Johansson, as well, gave a fine performance despite having a minor role, Vergara was fantastic and 'spicy' and Hoffman gave his finest performance since Barney's Version in 2010. Finally, Leguizamo gave the most hilarious and his finest performance yet. Favreau succeeds again in this stunningly crafted film with fast pacing, memorable characters, and overall good humor. What makes it such a hilarious and heartfelt wonder is the way Favreau contrives to let it allure you in. And get a load of that score that consists of modern Latin-American music, a perfect compliment to the delicious meals. The film is free of the kind of gratuitous pop-culture references that plague so many movies of the genre; it tells a story, it's very much of our world but it never goes for the cheap, easy gag. The master chefs behind this film have blended all the right ingredients - abundant verbal and visual wit, genius slapstick timing and a soupcon of Gallic sophistication to produce a warm and irresistible concoction. Favreau once again delivers not just a great, witty story, but dazzling visuals as well.

Reviewed by Simon Shin Chef is a 2014 American comedy film directed, co-produced, written by, and starring Jon Favreau. When a Miami-born workaholic chef Carl Casper is fired from the restaurant job in Los Angeles whose kitchen he manages, he returns to Miami and ends up fixing up a food truck he names 'El Jefe Cubanos.' He plans to drive across the country to reclaim his creative promise and success in LA, while piecing back together his estranged family. Co-starring Robert Downey, Jr., Scarlett Johansson, Sofía Vergara, Dustin Hoffman, and John Leguizamo, the performances were as deliciously enjoyable and individually flavoured as the meals presented on screen. Favreau's character is so audacious that you have to fall in love with this unlikely hero. Downey, Jr. gave a fine and typically whacky performance even though he only

Saving Mr Banks Directed by: John Lee Hancock Starring: Emma Thompson, Tom Hanks, Colin Farrell

Chef is the most straightforward and formulaic picture to date from Favreau, but it is also amongst his most enchanting and touching. It’s rich as a chocolate volcano cake, as refreshing as a raspberry sorbet, and a lot less predictable than the damn food metaphors and adjectives all us critics will churn out to describe it. It never overwhelms, even though it's stocked with action, romance, family drama and serious statements about the creation of art. Overall, this film is delicious fun, sure to be savored by audiences of all ages for its sumptuous visuals, clever wit and irresistibly inspiring tale. The charming cast and sharp, funny script add enough spice to make this a feel-good comedy and a flavorful treat. It’s a nearly flawless piece of popular art, as well as one of the most persuasive portraits of an artist ever committed to film. So, thank you Mr. Favreau. I have seen her in and she looked in splendid form as the icy, upper crust Travers, and that was the main draw here. We are told two stories here; one is the very end of the 20 year struggle, where Travers reluctantly travels to Los Angeles to oversee the production before she signs the rights over, and the second tells her life as a young girl in Australia dealing with her alcoholic father. The film does not strike the best balance between the two different stories, as they are sometimes randomly placed side by side together, but Travers’ past adds a deeper and more sympathetic layer to the movie and it could be quite chilling to watch at times. I still think Emma Thompson is the biggest drawcard here: I thought she was excellent as the concerned author balancing her love for her character with her requirement of getting more money, and she played her varying emotions perfectly. It may be a few months too late, but I still think she was robbed of an Oscar nomination, with a performance that could have won in certain years. Did the Academy people not see her at the Golden Globes or SAG Awards? She deserved a nomination just so she could do something funny at the ceremony!

by Ethan Sills I must confess that I do not think I have ever seen Mary Poppins, at least not that I can remember. I have seen that episode of The Simpsons with Sherry Bobbins if that counts, but otherwise I have not seen this Disney classic. What appealed me to see this movie though, which chronicles some of the 20 years that Walt Disney spent trying to convince Poppins author P.L. Travers to hand over the rights, was largely the cast at hand. I don’t usually go to movies because of the actors, but I have always loved Emma Thompson in the roles

The rest of the film was a tad lacklustre though for my liking. They never really get the balance between the two stories right, and there are quite a lot of characters here to deal with. Tom Hanks was very good as Walt Disney with a slightly sneaky layer coming through at certain points, and he probably deserved a nomination himself. He and Thompson have good chemistry together, but that was lowered for me by the fact the ending was quite significantly inaccurate. I’d say if you’re a fan of Poppins and of Thompson then it would be worth catching this on DVD as it is quite a nice story, with some light and moving moments throughout, but I would not call this a must see, so if you don’t care for either of them, perhaps pick another DVD instead.

X-Men: Days of Future Past Directed by Bryan Singer Starring: Hugh Jackman, James McAvoy, Jennifer Lawrence

and the main characters from the original trilogy make up the last resistance. The only way to stop the Sentinels is to send Wolverine’s consciousness back to his younger body in 1973 and get him to bring young Professor X and Magneto together to stop the machine’s creation. As I said before, parts of the movie were good, and it’s at its strongest during the seventies sequences, the characters thriving with the relationships that began in First Class. The future bits weren’t as good, the audience getting a brief several minute voiceover from X to explain some things before throwing a lot of old and new mutants at us, most who receive very little screen time and have no chance to be anything other than plot devices. The film is largely saved thanks to its great cast. James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender are excellent as X and Magneto and have real chemistry, while Jennifer Lawrence shines as Mystique – I think this is my favourite performance of hers. Hugh Jackman is fine as Wolverine, though he doesn’t really do anything new. The real scene stealer has to be Quicksilver, who has the worst costume but funniest sequence and was an unexpected highlight. I would have liked more of Peter Dinklage’s Boliver Trask, whose villain role was disappointingly eclipsed later on.

Reviewed by Ethan Sills The X-Men franchise has been around for over a decade now, and is responsible for birthing modern superhero movies. I liked the movies as a kid, but I have been more impressed with the likes of Iron Man in recent years. Still, based on the excellent First Class and The Wolverine, I was hoping for something good from this ‘in between-quel’, and while parts of this movie were excellent, the rest failed to live up to the hype. Original director Bryan Singer has the task of bringing all six movies together in a film to bridge the gap between them all. After ignoring major events of Last Stand and The Wolverine, we find ourselves in a dystopic future, where mutants and humans alike are being hunted down by the murderous Sentinels,

Kill la Kill Directed by Hiroyuki Imaishi, written by Kazuki Nakashima Animation Studio: Trigger

The special effects were good and there was a good chilling vibe in the seventies, but the movie ultimately lacked coherence. A lot of it, especially the future sequences and the ending, felt a lot like fan service trying to make up for the franchises past mistakes. The series already struggles with poor continuity between all the movies, and Future Past only makes things more confusing. I think it would have been better if it had been more of a First Class sequel, but in the end, DOFP was long on action and short on sense, and it is hard to enjoy when the past movies come close to being made completely redundant. A tad disappointing, but maybe these changes will lead to bigger and better things? One can only hope.

her. Ryuko then finds an old sailor uniform under the ruins of her father’s house that when put on and activated, while sucking her blood, turns her into a raunchy half-naked and all-powerful brawler. Oh and she can talk to it. It does all sound like stock anime I know, but man is this show fun. From the very first scene of Disciplinary-Committee-Chairman Ira Gamagoori squeezing through the door frame like muscly playdough this show is a laugh riot. The animation style has a distinct old school 90s vibe where the angles are skewed, the lines are thick and the backgrounds are beautifully hand painted watercolours. Kill la Kill knows it’s stupid and silly and it uses this as its trick card, continuously cranking out more and more eyebrow raising scenarios with every episode. Did I mention Ryuko’s homeroom teacher is a nudist? And her best friend, Mako, has a back alley doctor for a father who boasts he’s killed more patients than he’s saved? Surprisingly, the show actually has a strong plot line which you can start to doubt during the first few episodes. The voice acting is also hilarious and I recommend watching it in the oh-gee Japanese with English subtitles.

Reviewed by Liam Blumenstein-Tait Kill la Kill, where to begin? This anime is so ridiculous it warrants a large leap back to get a proper angle on it. The basic storyline follows Ryuko Matoi, a roaming schoolgirl who seeks her father’s killer. Armed with a longsword shaped like half of a giant scissor she arrives at Honnouji Academy, a school that revolves around the sharp stiletto heel of Satsuki Kiryuin, the student council president. Each member of her council have special ‘Goku’ uniforms that grant them superhuman abilities which they use to oppress the students, staff and townspeople. Satsuki challenges Ryuko to fight through the ranks of the academy in order to have the true identity of her pappi’s killer revealed to

This is Trigger’s first original animation release after forming and they have come out the gate with a rip snorting good time. One small gripe you could have with this show is the “must, get, stronger” set-up that runs through most action shows (Dragon Ball amirite) but Kill la Kill embraces its many anime tropes shamelessly and lovingly. Prepare yourselves for nudity, nose bleeds and my favourite typography ever seen in an anime. So if you can handle the show’s constant attempts to promote T&A at every possible turn, then this series is your personal friend during these next few weeks of exams, where every laugh counts.