Article - Issue 6

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Issue 6 Free Magazine vintage deadspace anglophilia mills and boon shake aletti paranoia

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for complaints, comments, submissions and enquiries contact@impursuit.com

This is the last piece to put in, and we can send this thing to print. All we need is an introduction. But what should it be about? Well whatever it is, it needs to be clever and not too self conscious. Yeah, otherwise people will think we are pretentious pricks with nothing to say. Oh well, I guess that’s what they will have to think. Enjoy, it’s spring time!

Mills and Boon

Designed and Produced Ben Dunmore and Alasdair Hiscock Photography Fashion - Rachel Mellor Found Fashion - Tom Bobbin and Shaun Reidy Others Alasdair and Ben Illustration Thomas Heginbotham Proofed (mostly) Mark Richardson Model Lauren Park Printed by Juma 1/600

Thanks to Richard at Toast, Max at Ideology, Syd and Mallorys, Louise at Bang Bang Vintage for trusting us with some clothes, Ben Duong at Nrth, Mike Forest fuck yeah, Tom Banham and Laura Barto, Beautiful Balloon, All the staff at the Harley and Dave, Hannah Trevarthan, Lauren Park, Liam O’shea, James Bates at Sheffield Digital Campus Building 2.0 for letting us run around like little kids in your ‘icon’

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4. Deadspace

24. The Vintage Industry

Alasdair Hiscock Forgotten space, built space, all the places that aren’t used.

Lauren Park An in depth investigation into the origins of check shirts and print dresses.

10. Anatomy of Mills and Boon

28. Four Portraits

Lucy Dunn The formula for romance (A decent summer job).

13. Paranoia Tom Cubbin Secret Police, TV tower, and a bath tub. Need more?

Tom Bobbin and Shaun Reidy It doesn’t hurt

28. Vintage Cycle

14. Screen Machine

Alasdair Hiscock and Ben Dunmore When does something become vintage, and when is it not?

Kay Stanley Screen printing tips and techniques

32. Vintage 2.0

Fashion Feature, shot in the Sheffield Digital Campus

16. Anglophilia

41. New Noise

Felix Kirsch Whilst most people in this country think Berlin is cool, some in Germany think Manchester is.

18. 2012 Thomas Heginbotham Well, maybe it’s a little cynical....

Ben Dunmore Interviews with: Shake Aletti, UltraMegaSupaDeadly and Pashly

46. Found Fashion Photos by Tom Bobbin and Shaun Reidy Good God that is such a stupid title. Anyone got a better one?

47. Man About Town Lieutenant Geoffrey-Crispin Tiffin Hellier Because a review would be boring

deadspace. new sheffield architecture

I, for one, am confused.

Sheffield is a city with loads of amazing, old, empty spaces.

It’s also a city with loads of uninspiring, new, empty spaces. Not content with a mass of unused old buildings, Sheffield has taken upon itself to actively manufacture empty space on a huge scale. Empty office space is the new abandoned factory.

In many cities, the confirmation of post-industrial status is the reclamation of the spaces of defunct heavy production. It’s a symbolic thing - the language reflects as much of a mindset as the buildings themselves. Think of warehouse raves, various “culture breweries” around the world, even Warhol’s New York ‘factory.’ In the mythology of urban development these places are fun palaces, full of artists, creatives, liberal drug use and, eventually, high property values.

It’s the signifier of a city’s shifting economic focus from manufacturing to other, less tangible bases. This isn’t a universal truth, but it is logical process - post-industrial cities are not invented overnight.

Across the city centre you can see a series of new offices awaiting tenants. The city has gone into suspended animation, unsure of its own purpose. Generic office space, inoffensively designed, sits uncomfortably in a city like Sheffield which has no great density. These buildings’ blank presence look like a pretend city which might as well be just facades.

There is something that proves this isn’t the case however. Look inside any new building. The hard-to-let ground floor retail unit is as much a fixture of the ‘new’ city as manufacturing was of the ‘old.’ Every area has its despairing estate agent’s sign promising an ‘exciting opportunity’ affixed to a bare concrete shell. Thousands of square feet of office space is going unoccupied, with ghostly spaces looking as if they had been abandoned haunting the city centre.

This amount of construction is quite deliberate. The regeneration bodies acknowledge that Sheffield requires a greater amount of high specification office space in order to attract business and develop its ‘knowledge economy.’ This is focused on the city centre because such virtual industries are not constrained by proximity to physical resources as heavy industry once was. As part of this, the city seeks to create a ‘critical mass’ of businesses in the centre which will stimulate demand in the local economy through their operation. It’s a difficult situation, because it requires the creation of genuine business infrastructure in a city which has lost a great deal of it; the currently low number of businesses operating in the city means that fewer are attracted to begin with.

There are two questions that come out of this. Why create this all anew when there are so many spaces that are unused and emptying all the time? And why so much?

We don’t have the answers, and we’re more confused the more that we look.

DEADSPACE. GET USED TO IT

WE HAVE DONE THE MATHS. SHEFFIELD CITY CENTRE IS EDGING TOWARDS HAVING MORE NEW EMPTY SPACE THAN NEW OCCUPIED SPACE. IT'S THE NEW SHEFFIELD STYLE.

CONTEXT: PLANNED DEVELOPMENTS AND THEIR RELATIVE SIZE

WEST BAR DEVELOPMENT: 700,000 SQ FT 2 IKEA STORES

WICKER DEVELOPMENT: 800,000 SQ FT - 4700 BUSES PARKED NEXT TO ONE ANOTHER

DIGITAL CAMPUS: 600,000 SQ FT 9000 ARTICLE MAGAZINE OFFICES

CITY CENTRE BUSINESS DISTRICT: 1,500,000 SQFT - 1 MEADOWHALL.

total planned city centre office space: 4.8 million sq ft

THE PLANNED TOTAL OFFICE SPACE TO BE BUILT IN THE CITY CENTRE OVER THE NEXT 15 YEARS IS 4.8 MILLION SQUARE FEET. AS OF PUBLICATION, LESS THAN 10% OF THIS HAS BEEN COMPLETED. OF THIS, WE ESTIMATE AROUND HALF TO BE EMPTY.

10%

4.8 MILLION SQUARE FEET =

2 EMPIRE STATE BUILDINGS

completed but currently empty new office space: 291,000 sq ft

THE VATICAN CITY

total planned ‘digital campus’ office space: 600,000 sq ft

Anatomy: Mills and Boon

No magazine or newspaper is complete at the moment without a guide to how to make your lifestyle work in the recession Whether it is a guide to cooking on a budget (similar to student cookbooks, but with fewer wacky recipes involving baked beans), or a paean to the golden age of sock darning, the key is to make do and mend.

But escapism is an important part of dealing with hard times, too. And according to the Times this week, this is reflected in our reading habits. We have ditched Tragic Life Stories and returned in 10

droves to romance and saga fiction. Though I don’t know anyone else who reads them, apart from other people’s grandmas, Mills & Boon are apparently selling three books a second. Having recently decided that writing tawdry romance would be a far better way of spending the summer than working at Subway (who probably don‘t have any spare jobs anyway), I am delighted by this news. If you are considering going into this area yourself, or feel the need for some quick cheap thrills (20p in most bargain bins), I present this introductory guide.

Plot This is always the same. A woman who is damaged in some way (poor/abusive exhusband/grieving/low self esteem due to some other murky back story) meets a strong arrogant alpha male who sweeps her off her feet against her will. Its not rape though, because he is so goddam sexy, and occasionally makes her breakfast.

She spends the rest of the book battling with her inner

emotions in the face of his passionate advances. Ten pages before the end there is a huge misunderstanding (her fault, usually from over-thinking) and everything is nearly ruined. This is more often than not resolved when the heroine finds out she is pregnant, and the hero suddenly realises how much he wants to be a father. Every one I have ever read ends in marriage.

Genre Romance comes in many forms, in extremely finely graded distinctions. Don’t know your Spice from your Blaze? Neither do I. The differences are clearly important to the editors, though most seem arbitrary.

To make things clearer, the following descriptions come directly from the publishers.

Modern “Focus on strong, wealthy, breathtakingly charismatic alpha-heroes who are tamed by spirited, independent heroines.” The phrase ‘breathtakingly charismatic’ crops up a lot. After a while, inventing new descriptions for the same character over and over again becomes difficult.

Romance “Experience the anticipation, the thrill of the chase, the depth of emotion and the sheer rush of falling in love!”

Medical “Pulse-raising medical situations, from the breathtaking energy of emergency response and rescue to care and community of family practice.” Sex and smear tests.

Historical ‘tales from chivalrous knights, roguish rakes and rugged cattlemen to impetuous heiresses, unconventional ladies and defiant bluestockings’.

Modern Heat ‘These titles promise to focus on the kind of relationships that women of 18-35 aspire to. Young characters in affluent urban settings meet , flirt, share experiences, have great passionate sex, and fall in love, finally making a commitment that will bind them together, forever.’

Blaze ‘Hot and Sexy. Couples in contemporary romantic relationships embark on sexual adventures and fantasy journeys.’

Superromance ‘Offer unbeatable depth and intensity blended with warmth, drama and adventure.’ It’s beginning to sound like an advert for Nescafe.

Intrigue ‘If you love thrillers, then you will enjoy the dual action of solving the puzzle and seeing a relationship build as fear, tension and suspense bind our hero and heroine together.’

Better than a wordsearch. Which, incidentally are included in the back of many of them.

Desire ‘Sensuality is the key, and each book must contain two fully consummated love scenes’. Mills & Boon are nothing if not specific when it comes to passion.

Steeple Hill Love Inspired “.Christian Romance. These are sweet romances. There should be no overt sensuality in the books. Any physical interactions (i.e. kissing, hugging) should emphasize emotional tenderness rather than sexual desire.”

Violence is not allowed either, and sex may be hinted at only if the couple are already married. I have so far avoided this genre for total lack of ideas on what to write about.

Spice ‘A hot lineup of sexual and sensual stories for discerning women. And because size doesn’t matter… Spice Briefs.’

Nocturne “Dramatic and sensual tales of paranormal romance”. Safer than Hentai.

Historical Undressed “An intense indulgence in the passion of the past. History has never been so hot!”

(A note for those of you buying your Mills & Boon second hand: 1980s genres were different, and in many cases better. I can’t decide if I prefer ‘Unwanted Passion’ or ‘Familiar Strangers’)

Title

Author

The Overly Descriptive With so many books out there, how do you find the one for you? What if you like your heroes French, or only get turned on by unfaithful barons? These titles intend to cover all essential information in one, usually managing to include the nationality and status of the hero, as well as the scandal, so the reader is left in absolutely no doubt what is going to happen. Recent publications include:

All writers of romance have female names. The more poetic sounding the better. Literary allusions or a hint of porn are good. Some of my favourite authors include: Emma Darcy, Sara Craven, Dixie Browning and Mondean Moon. To pick your own nom de plume, I suggest either finding some girls who do art history (always an abundance of Doras, Floras, and Arabellas) or check out your family tree. If you go back far enough, there will be something suitably frothy. It worked for me.

The Italian Billionaire’s Secret love Child The French Tycoon's Pregnant Mistress The Timber Baron's Virgin Bride The Playboy Firefighter's Proposal

The promise that The Poor Girl will Make Good This always what happens, so it makes sense to put this in the title.

Diamond in the Rough Marrying the Manhatten Millionaire Impoverished Miss, Convenient Wife

A final word of advice: if you are stuck for gift this Mother’s Day, I can recommend the Mother’s day Special Collection, including lovable titles such as A Family for His tiny Twins, or the salacious Pregnant by the Playboy Tycoon.

Though your mother may well presume that you are browsing nursing home brochures behind her back. a

The Unnecessary List of Characters Why? We’re going to read about them in a minute anyway.

The Danforths: Marc, Tanya & Abe The Chisholm Brothers: Friends, Lovers Husbands?

11

The paranoia increased a few days ago when I awoke to find workmen ‘on orders’ to fix a leak drilling into the wall, stealing my bath, and returning it a few hours later. I know what you’re thinking, what could you possibly do with a bath? The answer is to behave suspiciously with it.

These men destroyed our bathroom and then told us that there was no leak. Bastards. But who on earth were they? Did my neighbour (also head of the building committee) order this? What did they do to the bath?

I live in a run-down area of Prague called Zizkov; famed for fighting gypsies, glory-holing cabins, bondage clubs, transvestite-strip karaoke (with Chinese food!!) and a television tower. The television tower behind my apartment block was erected in order to jam the signals from West German television stations. It’s a space age structure, made simply surreal by the addition of artist David Cerny’s giant bronze babies with arses as faces which climb up and down its body. Even before the socialist take-over the area was a communist stronghold, an area of spacious art-nouveau buildings, parks and tramlines.

But even in a post-communist society, the potential for your movements to be watched and recorded can sometimes make you feel a little paranoid. Faceless surveillance doesn’t make judgements; my former police informant neighbour is doing so continuously. The possibility that this recording demon hasn’t changed her ways inevitably leads me to wonder what judgements she would make about me personally, or anyone else for that matter.

paranoia

Let me explain. She is constantly shouting at me for such crimes as being in the hallway. She stands with her eyes glazed over like a cow’s, peering through a window onto the hall from her tiny kitchen, scowling at everybody and anybody.

It came as little surprise to find out that she used to be a secret police informer, and as my landlady delicately put it, ‘always was and always will be hated by everybody.’ We both live on the first floor, and so she knows exactly who is entering and leaving the building. Whenever she scowls at me through her window, I can’t see what her hands are doing. Does she still record people’s movements?

Does she listen to us through the walls? Is there still aging surveillance equipment in the flat? Who is listening from within the former secret police headquarters opposite?

It intrigues me that my tastes are observed - the possibility that I might be acting suspiciously only pushes me further into the absurd. My main listening tastes at the moment are Opera and 80s Russian pop-music and the rest of my time I spend downloading episodes of ‘Mile-High’ – the hit sky one comedy drama. I sincerely hope that she doesn’t see me as a threat to society. Possibly the only real solution is to overload ‘them’ with information. My method is to make absolutely sure that there are bugs in my bedroom connected to radio transmitters on police frequencies. Then I can enjoy the image of a surveillance expert attempting to transcribe into written form the various sexual noises I have invented, including my famed Brezhnev, which I can guarantee will make him physically sick. Who said bringing down the system couldn’t be fun. a 13

screen

When I graduated from University I emptied my locker, washed out all my ink pots, and put the squeegees and screens back in their cupboards.

I was convinced I’d get some hotshot design job in London, and never have to wear my wellies or work out an exposure time again. One month later I was back at my parents’ house, watching Loose Women and losing the will to live. Then one day, the postman delivered a book that I had pre-ordered on Amazon months before and forgot about. ‘The Screen Printing Primer’ is

by Nick Parapone and Jamie Dillon with Luren Jenison who are from a Philadelphian design group called ‘Print Liberation’. They also print T-shirts that are worn both by Kanye West and myself. They figured it would be quite nice to share their extensive knowledge of screen printing so just about anyone could print in their own home for as cheap as possible. No fancy dryers or exposure units like I had been used too in my degree, but things made from bits and bobs found in your garage. So I figured I would share my knowledge of DIY printing with you, and maybe encourage you to start printing yourself.

Firstly, I think that if you want to print in your own home you should consider how “into” the idea you are and if it could actually happen. If you live in a tiny flat, or have housemates or parents who wouldn’t care much for ink getting trodden into carpets and wet prints left to dry everywhere, or are under the impression it’s a cheap and quick fix for printing up band T-shirts for your next tour, then this probably isn’t for you. Screen printing takes up space, is messy and time consuming, and also costs a small fortune.

14 There’s a lot of fucking up and learning from

your mistakes, and a lot of time sitting around waiting for things to dry. If, however, you have the space, a couple of hundred pounds going spare and are open to doing a little bit of hard work, screen printing at home is a lot of fun and very rewarding.

I realise that some people have absolutely no idea how screen printing works, so for those who fit into this category, here is a very, very quick explanation.

The artwork that you want printing, onto whatever surface, is made opaque and put onto something transparent, i.e. by photocopying it onto acetate. The screen, which is a wooden or metal frame covered in a fine mesh, is coated with a light-sensitive emulsion and dried in the dark. The artwork is then put onto the screen under a bright light and exposed. The screen is then washed out with water, and where the image is the emulsion breaks up to expose the mesh; where the light directly hits the screen the emulsion hardens, forming a barrier. To print, the screen is laid on top of the surface that you want the image on, and ink is poured onto the screen. A squeegee is used to pull the ink across the screen and where the mesh is exposed, ink goes through to the surface underneath. Take the screen off the surface, and hurrah - the image is there. Magic.

Here are my top 11 tips for printing in your own home from my experiences. It would have been a top 10, but then I thought of another one. It’s probably best if you have some basic idea of how to print by now, otherwise I’m not sure it will make much sense.

machine 1. Get a room solely for printing in - one you are not afraid to get messed up with ink and emulsion. I use my parents’ garage and work around a bunch of unused furniture and a canoe. An old dining room table is the ideal work surface as you can store things underneath it, and it is a good size.

2. Use water-based inks. It’s not only better for the environment; it also won’t block your drains and get you in trouble. You can get fabric inks that set with a few minutes’ ironing which is pretty rad.

3. Get a hosepipe and outside tap for washing screens. Don’t use your shower unless you have no choice. It means you can wear your wellies, get a little muddy on the grass, and not have to clean your bathroom all the time and get you in trouble with everyone else you live with.

4. Buy a coating trough. People seem to get by using just squeegees to coat their screens, but that can make a lot of mess and waste a lot of emulsionwhich is money literally down the drain. They are kind of expensive for what they are, but worth it.

5. Keep a lot of metal spoons about. It’s annoying as hell when you are ready to print and can’t find anything to get the ink out of the pot and onto the screen with.

6. If you don’t have the money to buy ready-made screens, make your own.

They may not be as tightly stretched and print as precisely, but hey - this is DIY. 7. Get a little fan heater; it makes drying-times loads quicker.

8. Use a security lamp to expose screens with. Mine is hanging about three foot above my printing table, and a screen takes about one hour to expose.

You will probably need to do a bunch of tests to work it out.

9. If you want to print T-shirts, build a printing press. It only takes a few bits of wood screwed together, but saves loads of time printing. Also splash out on the hinge clamps for it; they are worth the money.

10. Be patient. It is not always going to go your way and it gets really frustrating, just persevere with it. When it all falls into place it’s the best feeling and people will think you are really cool.

11. Have fun. Drink beer, listen to punk rock and invite a friend or two round to help you out.

So there they are, my thoughts and feelings. I hope some of you find it helpful. I also hope that some of you go ahead and start printing yourselves too. Oh, and in case you were wondering, I have no intention of moving to London anymore, I sometimes watch Loose Women and I am no longer losing the will to live. a

15

As the lights are about to go on in one of Berlin’s many Britpop clubs at five on a Monday morning, you could be forgiven for thinking that Germany has turned into Britain.

Squeezed in-between hopeless souls who’ve just witnessed the glory of the most prominent relic of the 90’s wave of ‘Cool Britannia’, Oasis (recently banned from China for being Pro-Tibet activists- when in reality, their promoters had to cancel because they didn’t sell enough tickets) earlier that night, there’s just as many amusing Britpop has-beens and pseudo-mods as you’d hope to see swaggering through Sheffield town hall at Brighton Beach.

They would come across as a strange 90’s anachronism in England. Being German, and out to hear some blistering Britpop soundtrack is a sign that beneath a Parka, wallabees and a Liam Gallagher-Knebworth-era hair cut, lies a plundering, deeply-rooted desire for Britishness.

All very forced and affected, of course. The typical German anglophile often isn’t quite sure which very British accent he’d prefer to ape: the unintelligible mancunian of Liam Gallagher, or that of the ‘Mod legend, the top geezer’ (this sounds funny on teutonic tongues). Even Paul Weller, as they compliment each other on their ‘fooking’ great air, bruv’.

stories of the upper-class, is quite astonishing considering it takes place in a country like Germany, where class awareness is nonexistent.

In the country of Marx and Engels, the working class movement was once rather strong, but was finished when the SPD (the equivalent of Labour) voted to fund World War 1, or at least when the Nazis literally erased the rest of it.

It is clear that Germans are not in love with the reality of Britain, but with the idea of Britain, one that is expressed through archetypes like Liam Gallagher.

And just like in any case of unrequited love, the lover is absolutely blind to the faults of the Beloved, an anglophile’s picture of England remains nothing but a mere cliché. So while the sun melts the snow on the streets of Berlin, the German anglophilic youth cannot hear, or see the reality of England, London, and bow while it crumbles into the sea. a

anglophilia

The imitation of Northern English working class pop stars isn’t the only form of this German anglophilia, however. It comes in many different shapes and forms.

Quite in contrast to the former is another bizarre phenomenon, the Germans fondness of Rosa Munde-Pilcher’s Cornwall. Germans have adopted the romantic novelist as their own. The German TV station ZDF has produced 70, yes 70, of her stories for TV. The Cornish landscape and the kitschy romances have an appeal beyond just little old ladies, with many Germans flocking to Pilcher country. Both ZDF and Ms Pilcher have received awards from the British Tourist Board.

This idealisation of Britain, from IrishMancunian pop stars to kitschy romance

16

The Forum, Devonshire Street, SheďŹƒeld

www.ideologyboutique.co.uk

0114 2723482

THe World is F***ED

Apocalypse!!!!

EVERYTHING MUST GO!

It’s the mother of all closing down sales – they’re trying to convince us that the world will end, and soon.

Sony Pictures’ new film 2012 imagines how the governments of the world would prepare six billion people for the apocalypse. Its conclusion?

They wouldn’t. The film takes its inspiration from a number of prophesies which posit that the world will end (or at least undergo some kind of monumental environmental or spiritual change) on the idle Friday morning that is December 21st 2012. Lending particular credence to this prophecy is the Mayan ‘Long Count Calendar’ which, having been counting for over 5000 years, abruptly comes to an end on this very date.

Evidently, for the Mayans, this is not merely a matter of nipping down to Tesco and getting themselves a new 2013 calendar: this really is the end.

The interesting thing about the advertising for this film is that it not only has us suspend disbelief –

18

Robinson’s

oh no!

must stockpile

indulging momentarily in the possibility of the unimaginable invading the real (e.g. Cloverfield’s shaky, hand-shot viral of a beast wreaking havoc in New York City) – but actually has us believe that the world will end, latching on to existing hysteria and exacerbating any momentum it already has. It’s like a surfer riding a wave – a tidal wave, that is, one that will eventually destroy all in its path.

Having made our way to the film’s website www.whowillsurvive2012.com and viewed the trailer, we are then linked to another site belonging to the ‘Institute for Human Continuity’ (IHC). Judging by this website’s sleek flash interface, this is no meagre scientific research group’s homepage – the design is just too stylish, and we all know that style isn’t something scientists do well. We can safely assume this site has been paid for with Sony’s cash, and made by Sony’s design team. Ignoring this minor discrepancy, the site has otherwise gone to every measure to have us believe that this is an institute, the world is going to end, and we need to start making preparations, quick. As the IHC state, while “nobody knows precisely what our world will look like on Dec 21, 2012…We do know, with near complete certainty, that a series of catastrophes will decimate much of the planet.”

In steps the E.A.R.T.H. initiative (Education and Awareness Regarding Threats to Humanity): video blogs from supposed PhD wielding professors tell us, in just about intelligible jargon, how all the evidence points towards impending destruction, and three (less stylish) ‘disaster scenarios’ demonstrate how, exactly, the destruction is set to go down. The first of these is ‘Solar Activity’; a “predicted peak in solar activity will likely lead to an apocalyptic landscape first

over 5,598,500 fearful people (if the counter is to be believed) into giving away their details.

Fortunately, in 2004, “after confirming a 6% chance of Earth surviving beyond 2012” IHC financiers poured significant resources into the planning and construction of subterranean cities. And, just incase you are shopping around for your post-apocalyptic living arrangements, the site even lets you check over the blue prints!

‘How does one become a citizen?’ I hear you cry, as you cling to your family and say your last goodbyes. Well, the IHC have set up a lottery, which, once entered guarantees you a chance for survival. But, “because the ticket you receive is only valid for one person,” the IHC recommend “encouraging your family and friends to sign up as well. We are all in this together.” This, of course, a terrifyingly disguised mailing list sign-up, has already duped

It is clear that this campaign works by exploiting our innermost fears. While it is only the more neurotic amongst us for whom the impending destruction of earth is a day-to-day concern, in this instance especially, one is better safe than sorry. It’s like Pascal’s wager, but in secular terms.

It utilizes simple game theory: potential huge gain (survival), small loss (having to sign up/seeing film), versus small gain (not having to sign up/see film), potential huge loss (being wiped out with the rest of the non-believers). Given the odds, it is simply rational we see the film, sign-up to the mailing list, and by the ‘I Survived 2012 T-shirt’, however unlikely the whole ordeal seems.

Other ‘help’ at hand includes IHC survival kits.

The ‘General’ kit, which comes in a lovely blue rucksack, contains fresh water, canned fruit and veg, a first aid kit, a battery supply and radio.

Who would have thought your basic music-festival essentials would equally see you through the apocalypse? Conveniently, the kit also comes in Urban, Seismic and Coastal versions, for when that darned earthquake, lava-lake or typhoon becomes a nuisance. It seems they’ve thought of everything.

While the Mayan back-story may fail to convince, the predicted global warming ‘tipping point’, (after which all our efforts to reverse the effects of CO2 emissions will be to no avail) also predicted by some to arrive in 2012, seems a more probable threat. Perhaps the end of the world is something that should be on our minds after all – though this more credible breed of apocalypse wont be the type to spring up on us one unsuspecting Friday morning. That said, when December 21st 2012 does come, I’ll make sure I’m sitting comfortably in my favorite armchair with a nice glass of juice on hand– just in case. a

2012 you idiot

no more calendars

imagined during the cold war years”. The apocalypse was first imagined during the cold war you say? The second, labeled ‘Planet X’ comes with a little interactive experiment in which we help align the earth’s orbit with that of a Planet X, seeing exactly how we will be smashed to smithereens; science, it turns out, can be fun.

The final scenario foresees ‘Crustal Displacement’ triggered by “two extraordinary and cataclysmic forces… the gravitational pull caused by the Galactic Alignment and the corresponding rise in solar radiation.” Scared yet? Well don’t be.

19

1st, Panda Pop - Hatcham Social, Kabeedies, The Jives....

20th, Bands TBC....

21st, Wagon Wheel Media presents...Dave Sleney, Richard Kitson, Dead Flowers, The Sicknotes....

3rd, The Rinseout, powered by studio 45 hi-fi....

22nd, Panda Pop birthday special....

4th, The Yell, Plush & Plastics, Joseph Armstrong....

23rd, Not shy of the diy presents, Wooderson, The Tupoleve Ghost plus more tbc....

6th, Small town promotions, Templeton Pek, Big Cheese....

7th, Flea bitten promotions presents, FBS, Sammy's fatal mistake, Power Corrupts, The Hyenas....

24th, Day and night Nazdrove party, Stalls by day (12-4) bands by night (8-late) 25th, TBC...

8th, Musica Povera....

27th, Square Indie....

9th, Ian Britt, Tom Attah, Andrew Oxley + bands TBC....

28th, Accept Decline plus others tbc....

10th, Spooky Spooky presents, the stock room all dayer featuring The Hendo San Project, Pet Slimmers of the year, Awooga plus more t.b.c. also DJ's Pentagon and Robeatnik....

30th, Not shy of the diy, shot baker, cop out, serf combat....

29th Statik....

11th, Down At The Red Bricks, physcadelic folkiness and good vibes from Lee Gortons bag of tricks (Acts TBC)....

1st, Not shy of the diy, Darts plus support

13th, Bands to be confirmed....

2nd, Inkubbus Sukubbus plus support

14th, Kunk, plus others

4th, Broken night, ship to shore e.p. launch

15th, Children for breakfast, line-up tbc

5th, Tunguska, Bacchus, Skiplikers, Sports Day. punk punk punk.

16th, The Monte Carlos safe crackers, Rob Butler plus others....

17th, Sticky Collective presents....The Navigantes, Cracktown, Moonshine Raiders plus the Sticky DJ's.

18th, X-Ray Horse featuring, The legend of the 7 black tentacles, Scar, Violet May....

19th, Punk night, Bands TBC....

6th, Panda pop, line-up TBC...

7th, Small Creative presents, A folking good night with David Gibb, The Clockwork Club plus others TBC....

8th, Pickers Knickers and Shitkickers pop diso.

9th, Down at the red bricks, line-up TBC....

THE VINTAGE INDUSTRY Vintage is big business. And whilst the world's economy seemingly crumbles, against all odds more and more vintage shops are opening. On the surface vintage is about being individual and ethical. The clothes are re-used, recycled, and no one else is going to have exactly the same shirt or dress.

Shopping for vintage is like going on a treasure hunt, you dig and dig in to piles of shirts and rails of jackets to find that perfect one. One that is the right colour, the right style and, hopefully, the right size.

But for an industry so big, and growing so fast in scale and popularity, relatively few questions are asked about what it is, and how it works. This issue we have taken it upon ourselves to investigate the phenomena that is vintage; looking at how the industry works, who wears it, and what the word might actually mean.

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“we are literally buying our own rubbish”

THE VINTAGE INDUSTRY

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WHERE DOES THIS SEEMINGLY ENDLESS SUPPLY OF VINTAGE COME FROM? ARE THERE SECRET VINTAGE LANDFILLS OVERFLOWING WITH OLD CLOTHES WAITING TO MAKE A COMEBACK ON THE FASHION FRONT?

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No longer hidden away in backstreets, they are now on the front line. Located alongside popular chains, the garish yellow exterior of Sheffield’s newest vintage shop ‘Cow’ looks oddly misplaced. Their notable shopping bags seem to have replaced Primark’s brown-paper effort as the average Sheffield shopper’s must-have accessory. Vintage is taking over our wardrobes and our high streets and I felt it was about time to try to unravel the threads of the used clothes system.

I soon found that finding someone to talk about vintage fashion was surprisingly easy. Finding someone willing to illuminate the processes that go on behind closed doors however, was not. Fortunately, before I came to the conclusion that the vintage clothing trade was a façade used to conceal underground felony I stumbled across Samantha Hearn, owner of Volta Clothing and a firm advocator of small-scale and personalised retail.

‘When sourcing my stock I like to take a very active approach, I travel the country most days to find the most genuine and beautiful vintage pieces. I rummage through charity shops and visit vintage markets, mostly in bigger cities such as London and Manchester. Occasionally I travel to wholesalers but I’m not always happy with the stock I’m given, so I try not to do the latter.’

Given? It is clear that when sourcing from wholesalers, vintage retailers actually have little choice in the stock they are provided with. Samantha adds, ‘from personal experience, most wholesalers seem disinterested in fashion themselves or the quality of the pieces. I went to one in York not long ago - I was able to ask for stock that I wanted such as dresses from the 70s and I would be given a black bag full for an agreed price. There is no way of exercising quality control or choosing special pieces.’ I guess that would explain the profusion of 80s sportswear luridly patterned with what can only be described as the Saved By The Bell title sequence, that continues to dominate the shelves of vintage shops today.

It appears that this impersonal approach makes it increasingly difficult for smaller, independent vintage shops that wish to be more selective with their stock. ‘I don’t believe in selling old tack just because it’s old’, Samantha tells me, ‘the industry is extremely cliquey –it takes shops a long time to build both a reputation and trust with wholesalers.’ I’m informed that businesses need to obtain a close working relationship and loyalty to a specific wholesaler; it is only then that the retailer can begin to state their preferences and wholesaler will try and hold back a few items that they think will be of interest.

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“

DUE TO THE SECRECY THAT SHROUDS THE ORIGINS OF SOURCING VINTAGE I AM UNABLE TO PRINT WHO EXACTLY REVEALED THIS...

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California based vintage wholesaler ‘Dust Factory’ reveals the cost to bulk buy on their website. To buy an Antique Dress would cost the retailer $33. To buy a bag of 12 dresses would cost $120, averaging at $10 a piece - undeniably a considerable saving for the retailer. It doesn’t take a genius to work out that even if the retailer doesn’t shift a few of the dresses, the profit they would have made due to the demand for antique pieces is substantial.

From a retailer’s perspective, it’s a closed question – either limit their sourcing options by avoiding buying in bulk, an option that would potentially reduce their market, or flog anything they can get their hands on. With this in mind, how do retailers decide how much each item should be worth? It seems they all have their own rules when it comes to this. Samantha insists that her decision is based on factors such as the material, with more desirable silk or lace fabrics costing more.

However, I would be happy to bet a few dollars that the biggest influence for most retailers would be demand. Especially now that the purse strings have been tightened in the recent economic climate and equally the rise in prices on the high street. Demand for second-hand fashion has never been more relevant. The idea that vintage retailers would miss an opportunity to cash in on the current check shirt phenomenon or the abundance of fur coats currently gracing the city is implausible.

But where does this seemingly endless supply of vintage come from? Are there secret vintage landfills overflowing with old clothes waiting to make a comeback on the fashion front? No, even better. I’m told that some of our prized vintage is actually rejuvenated castoffs from clothes recycle bins, the kind you get outside supermarkets. True Story. However, due to the secrecy that shrouds the origins of sourcing vintage I am unable to print who exactly revealed this glorious little fact, you’ll just have to take my word for it. Our vintage is literally rubbish.

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Another significant portion of vintage stock derives from deadstock. At first, the name does not connote either luxury or rarity, and it is soon confirmed that this is the case. Mark Millar director of MM Products Ltd, explained that deadstock is new “old stock” –ie, brand new items found in a warehouse somewhere that are still in the original wrappers with tags. Shattering the myth of the fashion forward magpies rooting out timeless collectors pieces, I realised that vintage shops were effectively working on the same principles as ‘off-price’ high street retailers such as T.K Maxx. This process involves buying relatively contemporary stock that has

not sold out and cleverly re-marketing it as ‘vintage’. Evidently, not only has vintage became a euphemism for second hand but also a cunning way of generating more cash from failing high street lines.

Trying to weave myself further into the industry for answers, I continue to probe Mark for answers. As I expect, questions such as where we might find these warehouses of deadstock are swiftly disregarded. Shot down before I’ve even begun. Instead, I ask how they forecast current trends and styles for vintage fashion. I’m amazed by how vintage retailers are able to find pieces so relevant to contemporary fashion, do they buy speculatively or plan for future trends? ‘I buy old classics that never go out of fashion and listen to people asking me for certain items. Students tend to know what is in fashion. Also some of the dealers are on the ball.’ Being the prime target market of contemporary fashion, it is unsurprising that vintage is influenced by the trends of students or those in the same age group.

However, surely then if vintage retailers are reliant upon the trends popularised by this age group, who in turn are influenced by mainstream labels such as Topshop or high-end fashion, does this mean that vintage has, in its most general terms, became just another mainstream brand? Vintage is the unquestionably the current fashion buzzword and vintage is most certainly giving market leaders a run for their money. The demand for this market can be illustrated in the decision of Nick Robertson (chief executive of online fashion store ASOS) to push his online clothing company into the vintage and ethical range in line with their 95% increased profits in the past year. With vintage becoming increasingly mainstream I can only wonder how the industry will fare in the future. In business the product life cycle suggests that once a product hits its peak, it is inevitably heading for a decline, unless of course they reinvent themselves further. For now, a mission for those of you why enjoy the hunt for second-hand goods…why not try throwing away some of your own unwanted clothes in recycle bins around the city and later trawling through vintage shops high and low to try and recover your items. It’s possible. a

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Wooley Hat: The Nepalese Sherpa - Style icon of 2008

Band Round Head: Popularised by Peaches Geldoff, although she wears it to make her brains don’t fall out.

Ray Bans: See the world through the lenses of Audrey Hepburn, Bob Dylan, and that bloke from Glasvegas

Fake Fur Coat: For those who have an ethical problme with killing and skinning animals, but don’t mind looking like they don’t

Checked Shirts: Ever wanted to look like all your friends at the same time?

Leopard Skin Vest: Many girls try, but no one’s ever going to look as good as Axl Rose circa ‘88.

Cardigan: Kurt Cobain saw his granddad wearing one once and it started from there

Shiny Leggings: My parent like Madonna’s music, but for the under 25’s she’s all about the fashion.

Cowboy Boots: When all the city’s cowboys retired, the vintage shops were flooded

when is vintage ‘vintage’?

If the past is a foreign country, then we have invaded it, colonised it, and are pillaging it for all the resources it has. But just like a nation’s resources, one day we will run out of items, motifs, patterns from one time and move on somewhere else. Whatever pseudo cultural tropes about this season’s look might be uttered, fashion is cyclical by its very nature.

These are the three steps to Vintage: Forgetting In trying to create something new, it often seems necessary to disown the immediate past by setting yourself in opposition to its defining characteristics. To show you are up on what is new and hip, you often have to drop what was recently in, so as not to look dated. Who the hell uses portable CD players any more? As mp3s and the iPod came to prominence CDs quickly fell by 28

the way side. Not only are they now inefficient compared to the modern technology, but if you carry one round, more likely than not someone will point out how unfashionable it is. In order to look new, you have to reject the immediate past.

Finding As things like CD players are cast off, all one must do is wait for them to come back in. That so much is cast off so quickly and completely means that looking into the past one can find a gold mine of originality; things so totally forgotten that they now seem new. It is no coincidence that much fashionable vintage is worn now by people who were barely toddlers its first time round. To us, this is new.

Representing But going into the past is not so simple. After all, whilst we may say that the eighties are ‘in,’ it is

Beret: Ah, the Parisian bohemian look! Or the poncy philosophy student questioning the existence of tables

Faux Glasses: In Munich the geek-chique scene is so big the best minimal night in town is on Second Life

Retro Watch: More common than a check shirt Festival wristbands: The further away from England the better Floral print dress: Take the Topshop label off and you’ve got your very own vintage dress

Plimsolls: Nothing says old skool shoes like your old school shoes

only a part, a small section of the eighties that we refer to. Take for example, the film The Heathers.

The clothes do not fit into our idea of the ‘eighties’ as fashion. Very few girls at the minute are wearing shoulder padded blazers and swatches, yet the eighties is what is in, so to speak. Equally, things like giant cellphones will most likely never reappear, except in Dom Joly sketches, just because they are impractical and have been utterly superseded.

Vintage requires equal parts shock and nostalgia.

We see this in the garish 1980s plastic items for sale in most vintage shops. If you’ve forgotten, or never knew, what the clothes of an era actually looked like, having abstracted it into a general idea of a style, there’s potential for a revival. It’s this logic which says that yesterday can never be vintage, though this premise would be very interesting to test on amnesiacs.

Sonic Youth T Shirt: Just make sure you know at least three songs from Goo in case questioned Burberry Mac: Barberry / Burberrii / Burtonbry all do a sterling version of that £900 mac you’re after Skinny Jeans: In the 70s punks used to sew up their drainpipes by hand. Now small Chinese children do it for 3 pence an hour to save you the effort

For need of a contemporary pop culture reference, it would be interesting to see what “taking retro to its logical conclusion” would actually mean.

Whilst the Boosh think it is a medieval troubadour revival, I would argue that they are wrong. The progression seems to go the other way. It is coming towards us. This means two things. First, vintage will inevitably catch up with us. A while back, all vintage seemed to be from the seventies, then the eighties, and now the nineties... you see where this is going. Will it restart when it catches up with us? The other possibility for vintage is that it will come around a third time. Perhaps when 2029 arrives it will look back twenty years and copy this time; which has already caricatured what was twenty years before it. Check shirts and jeans may fade, but they will never go away. a

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APRIL 3 JACKIE OATES / BELINDA O’HOOLEY & HEIDI TIDOW 4 CURTIS ELLER / SILVER DARLINGS �LIVE�

THE SHAKESPEARE A Pub in Gibraltar Street, Sheffield.

DRAUGHT ALES | DRAUGHTS | GOOD GIGS | RUM SELECTION | LARGE GARDEN

6 BOB LOG III / MAYOR McCA �LIVE� 9 DESERT ISLAND DISCO 10 NAT JOHNSON & FRIENDS �LIVE� 11 ATOMIC GARDEN / KIMMY YEAH / A BEAR �LIVE� 16 SLEAZE AND FINK’S ULTIMATE MUSIC QUIZ 18 WOB AND POG �LIVE� 23CASIOTONE FOR THE PAINFULLY ALONE �LIVE� 25 THE WEIGHT presented by THE LISTENERS & GUESTS �LIVE� 29 CLEAVER SISTERS FOLK NIGHT May 7 BALKY MULE

VINTAGE 2.0 Photographs: Rachel Mellor Model: Lauren Park Clothes: Bang Bang Vintage and Lois Location: Building 2.0, Sheffield Digital Campus 33

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New Noise

Shake Aletti

myspace.com/shakealetti listen to: The Way He Does

Remember when you were in school, and it was a contest to see who was into what band first, as though other people liking them would ruin it for you? It always lead to stupid conversations about who bought what album first. And then, more often than not, degenerated into ludicrous lies about how when you were five you went to see that band live, by yourself, and the drummer took you backstage to chill out with the band and their groupies, even though they probably broke up before you were even born? Remember?

Well, if not, that is how we kind of feel about Shake Alleti.

Having only been going for around nine months, they have an impressive CV: working with the likes of Toddla T, Roots Manuva and being nominated by the Mercury Music Prize “as a band to watch this year.� Gareth and Steve met studying music at Leeds Met and then moved to Sheffield to form this Electro-Disco-NewRave Double act that is surely set to take the UK by storm. >

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Article. That’s an odd name!

Steve. Basically, before we were Shake Aletti, we had a stupid name that I’m not even gonna tell ya.

Gareth. Yeah, we had a silly name and then we signed a management deal, and they made us change the name. Changing the name was also when we began to take it more seriously. Before, it had just been a laugh.

But what does it mean?

S. Shake is, well, shake. And Alletti is as in Vince Alleti; the journalist who originally coined the term Disco G. But thanks to the Aletti bit, we have all these Italian fans who have added us because they think we are related What instruments do you use then?

G. Synths and Keyboards, and I play a bit of guitar S. I also use a talk box as well, which is this old effects pedal with a tube that goes into my mouth. (He assures me it is different from a vocoder... it is slightly more geeky, and Stevie Wonder used one. I’m sold)

Why did you guys decide to make a band when most other people in electronic music are DJs. I mean, Everyone’s a DJ, why use real instruments?

G. We do DJ as well. But its always been about making music before anything else. We go from playing instruments to recording. Like, if you build tracks out of samples then you have to look through a bunch of records to find that one that you want when you could just play it on an instrument.

S. Its just more fun as well! But, when we started taking it more seriously, the intention was to be a live act, so we had to start writing it that way.

What are some of your projects on the go and past?

S. Well we’re doing a few gigs here and there, and then also playing Fabric soon.

Shit, how’d you wangle that!?

S. Toddla T. He’s amazing, he really help us sort it out.

G. We also mixed some of his remixes. He brings projects to our studios and we mix them on our desk. >

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So you’re mixing Toddla T ?

S. Yeah, he comes in and says this is what it should sound like, and we help him get it there.

All the parts are recorded. We are just taking it out of the computer and making it sound like a record.

G. So yeah, we’ve done a lot of that for him. He also asked us to do a hook for one of the tracks on his album. And then other artists like Flashes and Vagabond. Really I can’t remember, I’d have to look on my hard drive!

Toddla also did that remix for you?

G. Yeah, that was really great, and it got us a lot of attention from people who wouldn’t have noticed us before.

“If you build tracks S. Yeah, it’s raised our profile and really helped out of samples you us out.

Finally, where do you wanna go with Shake Aletti?

G. We’d always said we wanted to play Sonar, and that is on the cards now.

S. More than anything I just want to see places, that’s why I’m doing it.

Mixed in Sheffield

have to look through a bunch of records to find that one that you want. When, really, you could just play it on an instrument.”

myspace.com/ultramegasupadeadly extended mix goes live April 18 free CD with Article issue 7 in May

A 360 mix? I’m not sure either, but Ultramegasupadeadly is making one. “It covers all shades, all colours...through it all! Glitchy, wonky, electro, bass, dubstep...” And whilst you might be thinking yuck!, it actually makes sense if you let the man explain >

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“The driving force is to unify the city, just for one minute. To see what it does and then let it go its own way again.”

It’s less a DJ trying to show you his skills, and more an anorak-esque exercise in collecting everything electronic Sheffield has to offer. In fact that is exactly what it is, big next to small, everyone. But it has to be asked, where does the motivation come from to pursue something so comprehensive? Part of it, confesses Liam O’Shea, the man behind the project was a reaction to Tony Christie and Richard Hawley’s Made in Sheffield covers album released last year. “What they were talking about, being the sound of Sheffield, that wasn’t my experience. I wanted to shine the light on the city and show it from my shoes. Respectful of what has been, but looking forward.” At its heart, this project is an attempt to make the city re-examine itself and look at what is going on, right now. “It’s a hard city, Sheffield, people are in their own little groups, in their own little corners, and what’s driving me is the idea of unifying it all. It’s about trying to get people to work with each other. The driving force is to unify the city, just for one minute.

To see what it does and then let it go its own way again. And hopefully, I’m thinking, we may actually come to a realisation of what we are. “

Pashly

myspace.com/pashly listen to: The Morning Sun

“Is that OK?” Pashly asks, switching off the overhead light in the second floor room of the Harley Hotel. Sitting down she folds one leg across the other, her yellow Reeboks on the floor. The American singer-performance-artist-superfluous-label-superfluous-label has just reached the final leg of her two month European tour. In the sparse room she is polite, friendly, kind of quiet and genuinely interested. Almost the opposite of her controlling stage presence, where her powerful pitch perfect alto delivers introspective lyrics over intricate dance beats. Behind her, visuals of disco balls in showers and suburban American pavements create a narrative movement impossible to ignore.

Article. What is Pashly?

Pashly. I’m interested in a juxtaposition of music and visuals. I feel like my songs are dance songs, (She paused and thought for a bit) but they are more about what to do when the party is over. Maybe more about healing.

Hippy healing?

No, more like kind of mid twenties blah, you know? (I didn’t know) Well, you’ll get there.

But yeah, just how to deal with it. I’m trying to bring substance into dance music. Trying to see what you can actually say with a dance song. It can be really powerful, so just exploring.

What does the name mean?

Its short for passion, like ones that you have in school: same sex crushes, or crushes on teachers, or like that you have at boarding school. It could also be a crush, or a fist. Its also a Persian poet and a Russian word. >

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Its kind of a rolling connection then isn’t it? A lot of things at once. Is that an indication of your set and your music?

You’ll see.

How do you make your music?

I think about it for three years, and then use Ableton and Reason and live stuff. I make my own samples and have a huge backlog of sounds that I’ve made.

You’re really a multimedia artist, combining music, video, costumes. How does it all fit?

I studied visual arts at university and have been making visual art much longer than I have been making music. I have thoughts and ideas that I want to explore, so I marry them with music.

So what is the order then, the song or the visual first?

It all happens at once really.

Is seeing your set like going inside your brain?!

Yeah, its like a water slide... a log chute.

The water in those is gross!

Yeah it’s that toilet cleaner blue (she laughs) yep!

That’s my mind! Welcome!

“If boys are doing electro it becomes kinda screamy or fake hip hop, when actually they could sing and it would be really beautiful.”

You moved from Oregon to NYC recently Well, I come from Olympia (Oregon) where there is this tradition of women making experimental music in multimedia projects. But now I’m going in a really different direction, trying to be really pop or disco about it.

So in New York are you part of that hipster electro scene?

Not really, but maybe it’s just because I haven’t really stayed there long enough. I know Telepathe and stuff, they are my friends. But I’m not part of that scene or anything.

2009 seems to be this year of women in electro pop.

What do you mean, women have been in pop forever!

True, but there seems to be a real plethora of female electro singers - La Roux, Little Boots, Telepathe. It’s like boys are DJs or in bands, and girls do vocals in pop.

Well yeah. I think boys are scared to express themselves, how they really are. Like Panther, if boys are doing electro it becomes kinda screamy or fake hip hop, when actually they could sing and it would be really beautiful. I think they are too afraid to be vulnerable. But for a girl, that’s like what you’re supposed to be.

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people and clothes.....

...nice clothes

whilst check shirts are still the garment of choice, a grey American Apparel hoodie will not go amiss.

Do you have a camera?

Do you go clubbing?

Of course you do. So why not take some found fashion (God I hate that name!) photos for us? Seriously. Not only is it a really bad chat up line, but hell, they might even get printed. But before you start flooding our inbox, there are some rules 1 No arty photos of you holding a camera in a mirror 2 No arty photos of your feet 3 No group photos of you and twenty mates on a sociology bar crawl 4 Yes to photos of peeps in seriously quality threads. Got it? Good.

Send to photos@articlemagazine.co.uk 46

Man About Town - Formerly the Court Circular I remember one afternoon on my fathers boat, I was to experience the great misfortune of my cousin Freddy being given the helm. You see, the poor chap didn't know which was port and which was starboard.

Needless to say, when the captain's orders were shouted from the stern he bloody well turned us the wrong way. I dare say father was a bit miffed as we set course directly into a small catamaran. Poor Freddy, embarrassed for not knowing his aft from his arse, tried to compensate for his mistake by swinging the ships great wheel back the other way!

Ha! The boom swung round and hit him so hard in the head he fell overboard! I suppose that’s what you get for joining the army.

It seems exactly the same thing is happening in Sheffield's Clubs. From not having enough places to listen to preferred music, some rather silly club owners have been turning the wheel too far the other way.

Several clubs nights have appeared in the last month or so, all of whom play very similar music. Music which demands dedication from its listeners: If the evening is enjoyed properly, the next day is not. This public servant wonders why the hell we can't just have a decent bar that plays minimal techno late at night? Clubs are all well and good, but you can't go all the time. Climb back on the boat, wait for the harbor master to tow you in, go to the train station, get yourself to any other city in England or Europe and you will find not only club nights but also bars that play minimal and cosmic disco and serve bottled beer under fairy lights.

Now, apologies if that rant offends. Perhaps, you misunderstand. There are a great many regular soirees worth attendance. For example the ever-excellent Gentleman's Club Pony received some rather clean looking Filthy Dukes to much applomb. In fact, they seem to be changing from a club into a veritable emabssy, welcoming yet more Dukes. The next engagement will receive London's Electro Ambassador Duke Dumont. Youthful pioneers Fairground received Joe and Will Ask? at their new home above DeQuincy Hall. The atmosphere was electric, with visuals courtesy of Pofolo who is hopefully set to raise the bar of Sheffield's somewhat half-arsed visual scene.

Also of note, the respectable Suckerpunch.

Pulling in some impressive guests, this is one night to be watched and perhaps visited. In the world of Indie. Where Spaceships Go! will host That Fucking Tank on the last Sunday of April in the Main Hall of the Harley Hotel. A cordial Sunday gathering of live music, beer, and lovely people.

With the approach of the summer months, it seems that bigger gatherings are beginning to take place. The famous Yellow Arch Studio will host the Mixed in Sheffield launch party on the eighteenth of April.

Featuring twenty-three acts for the peasant's sum of five pounds sterling, this is an event not to be missed! Also in April, the Sensoria festival of music and film will take place at the renowned Showroom Cinema.

Worth a look.

But outside the world of events, there are other things happening at a very different rate. As stock markets crumble and bankers are encouraged to become teachers, the Ashgate Property company has "lavished a cool million" on a new bar right in between Division and West Street. Soyo, it certainly looks jolly nice, but can't say more than that.

One just hopes they might read the first two paragraphs of this article. However, one fears, and quite rightly too, that it will be a hot bed for commercial R'n'B and Oasis.

Prove me wrong!

And that is actually everything that has happened in Sheffield since the last court circular. Not a single other thing. yours truthfully, Lieutenant Geoffrey-Crispin Tiffin Hellier p.s.

Article will host an evening, to which you are invited, of drinks, music and visuals at Bungalows and Bears on Saturday the 4th of April. Guests will include DJs Ali Click, Adam Smith and others. Expect Cosmic Disco and intellegent conversation.

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