MOVIE REVIEW
‘John Dies’ might be bad-good, or maybe just bad ...but gets an ‘A’ for futuristic distribution. BY DAVID KOON
W
ith Oscar season over and the studios no longer fielding their blue ribbon films, we’ve hit the becalmed Sargasso Sea of cinema between “For Your Consider- ‘JOHN DIES AT THE END’: Chase ation ...” and “THIS SUMMER BRUCE Williamson and Paul Giamatti star. WILLIS WILL BLOW. YOU. AWAY!!!!” There’s just not a lot of product coming sages and T-bone steaks), a hot girl whose out of Hollywood right now, and we’re face explodes into a mess of snakes, internot ready to start reviewing Bollywood dimensional creatures you can only see flicks (too much dancing!), so we de- out of the corner of your eye, a fight with cided to go with a non-traditional pick an undead high schooler, a bratwurst that this week called “John Dies at the End.” doubles as a telephone that can talk to the See, kids, here in the future, filmmak- dead, inter-dimensional holes like in the ers are slowly realizing that they don’t Bugs Bunny cartoons, a slaughter done in have to go through the hassle of actually literal cartoon, and swarms of tiny insects showing a film in what old poots like me that want to take over the earth. And, at call “a theater.” There are other chan- one point, they become badass shotgunnels these days to get a movie before the toting monster fighters. I think. Right in masses, and — though it will be a sad, sad the middle of all that, for some reason, is day — there’s probably going to come a a very nice series of cameos by big time time when going to the sit-down-and- Actor’s Actor Paul Giamatti (who also have-your-feet-stick-to-the-floor movie produced the film) as a reporter trying to theater will be an old timey curiosity on figure it all out. Good luck with that, pal. par with going to the drive-in. “John Dies I wanted to like “John Dies at the End.” at the End,” for instance, is not only being I really did. I’ve been a huge fan of the shown in limited theaters, it’s also avail- “Phantasm” horror series since I was a kid, able on demand right now in eight spots and I love Giamatti. I also like flicks that online, including Amazon, iTunes, X-Box try to mashup horror and comedy, which Live, Google Play and Vudu. Yay, future! is a lot harder than it looks. So I actually The only problem with all this lovely gritted my teeth and TRIED to like this futurism is that “John Dies at the End” movie. My failure to do so is made even might be the most confusing movie I’ve more frustrating by the fact that “John ever sat all the way through, destined for Dies at the End” is all done so earnestly, so either the .99 cent store or college-town carefully, with a real eye toward Cronenscreenings where drunk kids shout memo- berg-grade body-horror weirdness, and rized lines and throw toast at the screen. some lovely shot composition. In places, Even though I watched it and then skipped “John Dies” is really fun to look at (though through and rewatched all the parts I was not in others, particularly some of the confuzzled about, I still have no idea what very bad green-screen work toward the was going on in a solid 40 percent of the end), and throughout you get the distinct flick. Forgive me, then, if the following impression that Coscarelli himself not synopsis gets it completely wrong: only knows exactly what’s going on, he’s Written and directed by Don Coscarelli, sure it’s going to save peoples’ souls if the creator of the cult-fave “Phantasm” they’ll just, like, free their mind to accept series, “John Dies at the End” follows the truth of the movie, man. The problem slacker friends David (Chase William- is, this audience member never really got son) and John (Rob Mayes) as they fall that truth, even for a second, and I condown a very weird rabbit hole after David sider myself a pretty good movie watcher meets a Rastafarian dude who seems to person. Did I mention that I really wanted know everything about him. Or can see to like this movie? the future. Or can read his mind. Or someLong story short, “John Dies at the thing. Eventually, David figures out that End” turns out to be so strange that it the guy’s strange abilities have something might actually be one of those horrible to do with a black, living oil he comes to movies that fans actually come to love, call Soy Sauce. Getting dosed with the the way you might love a runt puppy, or stuff leads him into all sorts of semi-non- Khloe Kardashian. Might happen. Who sensical adventures, including fighting a knows? Until that Rastafarian’s Soy Sauce monster made of meat (yes, I know we’re becomes available at Walgreens, none of all made of meat, but this is literal sau- us can see the future. Or something.
SHOP ‘N’ SIP First thursday each month shop ’til 8pm and enjoy dining in one of the many area restaurants.
HILLCREST SHOPPING & DINING
Join Us For A Bloody Mary and Cheese Straw Tasting!
Are You Ready H B For Spring? F
t
WE ARE!
Come see what’s new!
U
H 4523 WoodlaWn (Historic Hillcrest) 501.666.3600
cHeck out our easter and spring items
Frances Flower Shop, Inc. Located in beautiful downtown Little Rock two blocks from the Arkansas State Capitol building. We send flowers worldwide through Teleflora. Proudly serving the Greater Little Rock area since 1950. 2801 KAVANAUGH • LITTLE ROCK • 663-4131 1222 West Capitol • little RoCk, aR 72201 501.372.2203 • WWW.fRanCesfloWeRshop.Com
RHEA DRUG
wmichaelabstract.com
2616 Kavanaugh • 661-1167 M-F 10-6, SAT 10-5 t
X
Join Us For oUr 4 Year anniversarY! MUsic BY The aMY Garland Band
501-353-2504 2612 Kavanaugh Blvd. Find your dream home at www.LiveInLittleRock.com
Frances Flower Shop, Inc. Located in beautiful downtown Little Rock two blocks from the Arkansas State Capitol building. We send flowers worldwide through Teleflora. Proudly serving the Greater Little Rock area since 1950. 1222 West Capitol • little RoCk, aR 72201 501.372.2203 • WWW.fRanCesfloWeRshop.Com www.arktimes.com
FEBRUARY 28, 2013
55