Arkansas Christian Parent (Fall/Winter 2013) by Arkansas Baptist News

Fall / Winter 2013

COLLEGE DOESN’T HAVE TO BE SCARY

Launch!

Raising children to let them go

WHAT NEXT? Guiding a child along the faith journey

HOW TO TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT SEX

THE DISCONNECT:

Raising children and protecting family in the digital age

1 A publication of the Arkansas Baptist News

ARKANSAS CHRISTIAN PARENT // FALL • WINTER 2013

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FEATURES

How to talk to your children about sex Learn some practical ideas for having not “the talk,” but multiple discussions with your children about a biblical worldview regarding sexuality.

What next? Guiding a child along the faith journey

The disconnect: Raising children and protecting family in the digital age

After a child makes a profession of faith in Jesus Christ, how can a parent disciple the child in a growing faith journey?

In today’s digital world, it is important for parents to take the lead in protecting the hearts and minds of their children. This article provides a few ideas to spur your thinking on this critical topic.

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MORE ...

Post from the editor A merry heart Putting the ‘grand’ back in grandparenting Help for the family in crisis Talking with children about God To compare or not to compare? Becoming a partner with your children’s teachers

24 26

Launch! Raising children to let them go

College doesn’t have to be scary

Raising ‘excuse me’ children in an ‘excuse you’ world: Cultivating a spirit of gratitude and generosity all year long

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Arkansas Baptist Newsmagazine, Inc. We live in tumultuous times – in a society that many times doesn’t stand for the family or family values. As times change and the traditional family structure comes under attack, it is important to seek wisdom and direction from a source above human intellect. That’s where God comes in. Followers of Jesus Christ look to the Holy Bible for rules for living and to the Spirit of God for guidance in their day-to-day lives. Is there any better way than to rear children around the unchanging tenants of Almighty God – the One who created all things? That’s what Arkansas Christian Parent is all about: helping parents make sense of the world as they guide and disciple their children in often complex life circumstances. Arkansas Christian Parent writers are not only experts in their respective fields, but Christ-followers and devotees to the Word of God. Therefore, the advice they share is driven by a desire to represent God’s perfect plan for mankind. We pray that you enjoy reading Arkansas Christian Parent as much as we enjoy producing it, and we ask that you support our many advertisers who make it possible for us to produce it.

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Tim Yarbrough

Special Projects Coordinator

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“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6, ESV).

Tim Yarbrough Editor

www.arkansasbaptist.org Arkansas Baptist News 10 Remington Drive Little Rock, AR 72204 Phone: 501-376-4791 Toll-free: 800-838-2272 email: abn@arkansasbaptist.org

ARKANSAS CHRISTIAN PARENT // FALL • WINTER 2013

I love the change of seasons.

s I write these words, a cool breeze fills the air. A few trees are just beginning to show off their pageantry of colors at the tops of their longest branches. The days, although shortening, reflect brilliant blue skies, with only a few wispy clouds floating lazily by. The seasons are a part of God’s wonderfully creative plan for our world. Seasons are also a part of God’s plan for our lives … and for our roles as parents. According to the Bible, “For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven” (Ecclesiastes 3:1, NIV). Each season we experience as parents has beauty and joy. Yet, just as each season in our world, although full of wonder and splendor, is imperfect, so each season of parenthood has its own imperfections. As the old saying goes, “Perfection is way overrated.” In the spring season of parenthood, new life emerges. With new life come new experiences, emotions, priorities and plans. Who doesn’t smile when they recall a child’s first lopsided smile or first faltering steps? The spring of parenthood is a joyous celebration. Spring in the South brings pollen, lots and lots of pollen – enough pollen to transform your brown dog into a yellow dog … to create a cacophony of sneezes at Little League games … to make even the thought of washing your car an exercise in futility. The spring of parenthood brings goo. What is that substance leaking out of our sweet baby’s diaper? How does this spit-up look with my new scarf? Why is that stuff such a funny color of green?

In the summer season of parenthood, life brings long days of warmth and growth. Children are growing physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. The summer of parenthood brings the warm experience of maturing children. Summer in the South brings relentless heat. Those first warming rays of the sun, once welcome, soon become oppressive. Even in today’s world of air-conditioned cars, homes and offices, who hasn’t at least once lingered a little longer than necessary in the frozen food section of the grocery – just to cool down? The summer of parenthood is no time for a vacation. With growing independence, children exert their opinions and creativity. You want to wear plaid and stripes together? You traded your tuna sandwich for a brownie? You want to go where with whom? In the fall season of parenthood, children are transformed into teenagers. Teenagers begin to discover who they are as individuals and begin to explore where life might take them in this big world. The fall of parenthood brings the beauty of transformation and the anticipation of tomorrow. Fall in the South brings raking leaves, raking leaves and more raking leaves. Just when you think you’re about to catch up with the onslaught of leaves, an unexpected gust shakes the limbs and the leaves shower down.

by Margaret Dempsey-Colson

In the winter season of parenthood, your once little ones are preparing to strike out on their own as young adults. Where did the time go? It’s like Thanksgiving and Christmas all wrapped into one holiday – thankfulness and joy for the gift of your child. These emotions intermingle with a little nostalgia that this season will soon be over. Winter in the South bring shorter days. There seems to be less time in the daylight to complete the list of things to do. The winter of parenthood brings questioning. Did I do everything I needed to do to prepare my child for adulthood, like how to separate whites from colored clothing before doing the laundry? When my child goes to college, should I call and be the “alarm clock” each morning? What will I do if my college graduate wants to move back home into that bedroom that has already become an office? Ahhh … the seasons of parenthood! Accept each changing season. Embrace the beauty of each; acknowledge the imperfections. Relax and enjoy. Margaret and her husband, Keith, are parents of four young adult children. Each season of parenthood, for them, has been a rewarding, sometimes challenging, experience.

The fall of parenthood brings surprises, surprises and more surprises. Just how long has that peanut butter sandwich been under your son’s bed? Who were your daughter and her friend meeting at the mall? Why is it that your teenager, sprawled on the sofa, can sprint like a marathoner to answer the ringing cell phone? ARKANSAS CHRISTIAN PARENT // FALL • WINTER 2013

Putting the ‘grand’ back in grandparenting by Janet Hamm Williams

he first grandparents, Adam and Eve, may not be the image we typically envision of grandparents. Since they disobeyed God, were evicted from the Garden of Eden and were not influential enough to keep their first son from killing his brother Abel, we may wonder what kind of grandparenting model they became! The Genesis account records that their first grandson, Enoch, lived 365 years and that Adam had more grandchildren and lived 930 years. That is a long time to be a grandparent! But, we might note that “Enoch walked faithfully with God” (Genesis 5:24, NIV). So, at least, we can be assured that God does not require perfection as a requirement for becoming a grandparent. Other images have evolved through the centuries to define grandparents. Children of the current generation are less likely than those of previous generations to have imagery of white hair, rocking chairs, canes and bifocals. In fact, grandparents may look youthful, drive sports cars (with bumper stickers touting, “Let Me Tell You About My Grandchildren”) and carry 8

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their smartphones. They may be biological grandparents and/or, in some cases, be part of a complex blended family; they may be adoptive grandparents for children who are chosen from other beginnings; they may be surrogate grandparents to children whose grandparents are not available, or they may be grandparents who are raising children of absent parents.

in many respects, and I need help not only with “latitude” and “longitude,” but also with “attitude.” I need a “Map” with directions and a GPS voice telling me where to take the next turn. Of course, the GPS will not work if there’s no connection to the Power Source.

Regardless of the situation that brings us to grandparenting, we need to be sure we are seeking God’s plan for the “grand” part of it. If only we had a “GPS” (GrandParenting System) similar to the GPS (Global Positioning System) that receives satellite signals to determine the device’s location on earth, we could know our “latitude” and “longitude” and have a map with turn-byturn navigation instructions, information on nearby services and attractions, and alternate roads or paths when regular routes are blocked.

AA “Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast” (Psalm 139:7-10, NIV).

Do you suppose prayer and seeking God’s direction through the Bible and Christian resources around us might be a part of our GPS? I need that! I need to know where I am,

Perhaps the GPS would direct us with words such as these:

Reading Bible stories and books such as “I Am a Promise” by Gloria Gaither with your young grandchild would be a grand way to begin implanting biblical truths about God’s presence and guidance.

AA The lyrics from “Greet the Day” by Amy Grant and Cindy Morgan seem especially appropriate for grandparents:

AA “I thank my God every time I remember you … being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:3, 6, NIV).

“Lead me to the ones I need And to the one who’s needing me. I won’t assume the worst is true And do the best that I can do. A word of kindness, I believe, Is heard throughout eternity.” Praying for and with your grandchild, regardless of age, is a valuable part of being grand. Praying that each word will be a blessing rather than a deterrent and modeling availability and dependability are added blessings. AA “Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint” (Isaiah 40:31, NIV). Sometimes we may need to be grandparents in the grandstand – the main seating area, usually with a roof, commanding the best view for spectators. But, there are also many times when we are invited and need renewed strength to be more involved in playing, running and walking with our grandchildren as opportunities occur.

future! And, most of all, what a marvelous gift to be able to be used as part of the child’s connection to God and His eternal purpose! Putting the “grand” back in grandparenting cannot be done through posting images of our grandchildren on Facebook, although that’s definitely fun. It cannot be done through unlimited visits to the toy store or impressive entertainment options. It does not have to be done by putting money into a bank account. It may be discovered in day-to-day living with our GPS to keep us on track in relating to our grandchildren and seeking to instill in them eternal values – the relationship with God that will outlast our time with our grandchildren, in case we don’t live as long as Adam and Eve!

Gratitude and remembering are also grand elements in relating to grandchildren. Being an example of gratefulness is contagious. And, helping children make and value memories nurtures their development. AA “The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; Your love, O Lord, endures forever – do not abandon the works of your hands” (Psalm 138:8, NIV). May we never give up on God using us to accomplish His purposes in our own children and in the children to whom we are relating as grandparents. May we pray for those children to know God will always love them. May we be living examples of God’s unconditional love.

Janet Hamm Williams is a childhood ministry consultant in Little Rock. Retired from the Arkansas Baptist State Convention, she is the grandmother of five “amazing” grandsons.

In “The Gifts of Being Grand,” Marianne Richmond wrote, “The best thing of all is the adventure unplanned when life gives to you the gifts of being grand!” What a gift it is to be a part of a child’s connection with the past, present and

How to be ‘grand’ As grandparents, sometimes our lives may feel as busy as Grand Central Station, or like the Grand Canyon (with lots of depth and unbelievable grandeur), or like a grand mal seizure (when crisis or tragedy occurs), or like playing a grand piano or like ordering a grande beverage at a favorite coffee shop. But we can remember that putting the “grand” back in grandparenting involves our learning (along with our grandchildren) about:

G – gratitude, giving, guiding R – responsibility, relationship, remembering A – accepting, affirming, acknowledging N – nurturing, never giving up, nostalgia (in small doses) D – devotion, dependability, deferring (to the child’s parents)

ARKANSAS CHRISTIAN PARENT // FALL • WINTER 2013

HELP FOR THE FAMILY IN CRISIS by Jennifer Davis Rash

y friends Bryan and Sarah moved to Memphis in September 2009. A few weeks later, I was calling in one of those favors that would be easy for them to ignore. You know the kind – it is quite inconvenient for them and really beyond their call of duty, but it sure would make you feel better if they would agree to help. You see, my then 2-year-old niece, Belle, had just undergone surgery to remove a large mass in the back of her brain. She had a rare tumor known as Choroid Plexus Carcinoma and needed treatment immediately. Belle became a patient of St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital by mid-October of that year, and she and her mother, Kelley, moved to Memphis for nearly seven months of treatment. Belle’s father, David, remained at home in Rock Hill, S.C., to take care of Belle’s three siblings. David would need his own set of support, and our family moved into crisis management mode to help from all angles, but my focus zeroed in on Memphis. My husband, Jason, and I live in Birmingham, so it became obvious we should be the tactical team for Kelley and Belle. We are the closest family members to Memphis, and Jason is Kelley’s twin brother. We took turns traveling to Memphis every few weeks to help out and worked to keep a consistent flow of mail, gift cards and

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other surprises showing up at their apartment in between trips. Still, we needed someone actually in the area who could be of assistance at a moment’s notice if needed – someone we could trust and who would love Kelley and Belle like family. Enter Bryan and Sarah. They graciously accepted my request and moved quickly to become part of the support team. Now four years later, they remain a consistent and solid part of our Memphis support as well as dear friends to all of us. They have gone beyond the call of duty, and they are not alone. Extended family members, friends, neighbors and fellow church members across the Southeast suited up for duty when the crisis of a child with cancer devastated our family. Those in the immediate circle around Belle in their hometown have shown up day after day to help. Those outside the area have found unique ways to serve. The countless prayers, visits, calls, cards, gifts, acts of service and genuine displays of concern are truly humbling and strengthening for all of us. We mention often how blessed we are to have such a varied and consistent support system. Certainly Belle is everyone’s primary focus, but most people have demonstrated admirable maturity by helping where the greatest need surfaces, rather than only doing what they might prefer.

Belle is now 6 years old and continues her fight against cancer. While compassion fatigue from those outside the family would have certainly been understood by this time, most have not wavered. They have shown Christ’s love consistently and been beams of His Light in the darkest of days. But we are not the only family dealing with a crisis. It is likely that you either know a family or are a family in a similar situation. These families may never ask, but there always is something to do.

Include your children in the opportunities to minister. Children who are dealing with an illness typically enjoy meeting new friends and are excited to have a new playmate while the adults talk. Be careful to explain the situation to your children at a level they can understand and help them to be natural instead of awkward or intimidated. Also ask them to be kind. We discovered that children in the community who had only heard adults talking about Belle tended to go to school and tell their friends as well as Belle’s siblings that she was going to die. It is true that she is in a battle for her life; there is no guarantee how her situation will turn out. Belle’s siblings understand the situation, but hearing incomplete information from friends can cause unnecessary anxiety, which puts another stress on the family.

TIPS FOR HELPING A FAMILY IN CRISIS: AA Pace yourself; fill in where others are not. Avoid an overwhelming response where lots of people rush to help early on but end up burning out and/or all doing the same thing, such as bringing meals at the same time. Many crisis situations, especially those dealing with an illness, could last several years. AA Observe what needs to be done, and take care of it. Avoid asking questions like, “What can I do to help?” and saying things like, “Let me know if you need me.” In the early days of a crisis, family members don’t even know what they need. If you notice the grass needs cutting, then show up with your lawnmower. Do ask if there is anything you need to know before cutting the grass, so you don’t accidentally cause a problem, but show up intending to mow the grass unless there is a reason you shouldn’t. The same idea could go for cleaning the house or buying groceries. AA As time goes on, family members will settle in and know what they need, but they may not feel comfortable asking, even though you assure them you will do whatever they need. Continue checking in with the family on a routine basis to offer to help.

then consider offering to take the siblings out to a special event or time focused just on them. AA Find out if the family has set up an online blog or CaringBridge site (www.caringbridge.org). Keep up with the latest news by faithfully reading the online information, rather than asking the parents to repeat the information over and over. AA Look for a close family member or friend who can be a point person for suggesting ways to help. Avoid always asking the parents. AA If the parents continually resist your offers of help, then honor their response. Don’t take offense; show them grace during this time. Pray for them; send them cards and emails of encouragement. Mail them gift cards and occasionally drop off a surprise bag of something like paper products for the house. Who couldn’t use more toilet paper when there is a constant flow of guests in the house? AA If there are other children in the family, then take them gifts as well if you take the child with the illness a gift. If you are a family member or close friend,

AA No matter what gift or service you offer, be willing to give without getting a lot of attention in return. Families in these situations are truly grateful for all that is being done for them, but they also are living in a fog and can’t always respond like they might otherwise. A thankyou card might not come, no matter how large a gift you give. It is certainly appropriate to double-check to make sure the gift made it, but be gracious with expectations to be acknowledged. Jennifer Davis Rash is executive editor of The Alabama Baptist and maintains a blog (www. rashionalthoughts.com) about lessons God is teaching her along her faith journey. She and her husband, Jason, love their roles as Aunt Jen Jen and Uncle Jay to their six nieces and nephews. To read more about Belle’s story, visit www.caringbridge.org/visit/ bellemitchell.

ARKANSAS CHRISTIAN PARENT // FALL • WINTER 2013

he Bible is concerned with teaching children about God. Moses told the Israelites that they were to impress the commandments of God upon their children and to talk about them when they walked along the road, lay down and got up (Deuteronomy 6:6-9). Moses knew it was human nature for children to ask, “What’s the reason for all of these spiritual practices?” (Deuteronomy 6:20-25), giving parents the opportunities to explain why. Jesus loved children. He found them worthy of His time, and He spent time with them as often as possible. He wanted His disciples to do the same. Not only did Jesus say, “Let the little children come to me” (Matthew 19:13-15, NIV), He also rebuked those who led little ones astray (Mark 9:42). Parents and guardians are usually very keen for their children to know about God. Most will make sure they attend vacation Bible school and children’s camp in the summer, but leading children to learn about God involves much more than that. There needs to be an atmosphere within the home that allows children to learn and to ask anything about the gospel. Granted, it is not always easy to know what to say or how to speak, but perhaps these 11 suggestions and observations will help. It’s not if children will ask, but when. Questions about God often come during the various holidays (Christmas and Easter), special services at church (baptism or Lord’s Supper) and seasons in a family’s life (a birth, hospital visit or funeral). I started asking questions about salvation soon after the observance of the Lord’s Supper. I wondered why I was not allowed to participate. These questions led to many evangelistic conversations with my parents and pastor. Be ready. Children learn from an early age that idle times are ideal times to talk with parents. Whether it’s watching TV, reading in the living room or doing the dishes, quiet activities lead to questions and dialogue. However, because you may not be as idle as children think you are, these times may not be the best possible moments. When they do ask, be open to their questions. If you need time to think about the questions or are not in the correct frame of mind, let them know. As soon as possible, give them the opportunity to talk to you. One opportunity for dialogue usually leads to others. If they know you are open to their questions, they will be ready to ask again.

Talking with children about God by Ken Gore

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Listen to them. Children want to know you are listening to them. When they ask their questions, try to stop what you’re doing and give them your full attention. Look at them when they speak to you. This lets them know you are interested in them and their questions.

Don’t brush aside their questions. There is no such thing 4 as a bad or silly question. Children need to know that they can ask questions about anything and that they won’t be judged. Their understanding of something they heard at church may be incorrect, leading to questions for you. Their questions should always be treated with love and respect. Be honest. Children don’t always want or need the textbook answer. They want to know what your answer is. If you’re not completely sure what they’re asking, help them explain it to you. If you’re not sure of the answer, tell them you’ll look it up and find out for them. As soon as you can, share with them the answer you found.

As I was riding in the car with my then 6-year-old to church one Sunday morning, my son asked why we listened to Christian music. I told him it helps us prepare for worship and think about what God wants to teach us. His next question really got to me, “Dad, why does God love us?” Instead of giving him the standard textbook answer, I gave him the most honest one I could think of at the time, “Son, I have no idea!” Throughout my days, I have done my best to learn and live by God’s wonderful love, and I also know that my son is watching me. Ken Gore is chair of the department of Christian ministries at Williams Baptist College in Walnut Ridge.

You don’t have to know everything. Children do not expect you to be a theological expert, but they do expect that you know more than they do. They are hoping their questions will help them in their own learning. Be willing to explain why you believe your answers are right. Be willing to look up answers with them, perhaps even showing them some books they can look through on their own. This gives them the opportunity to learn what research tools are available.

Use simple language. Because so many theological words are confusing to children, help them understand about God by using the clearest sentences possible. They will probably understand more than you think.

Speak in concepts that fit the child’s age. A 15-year-old has a much better understanding of life than a 3-year-old. Thus, spiritual conversations should fit each child’s age. The concept of eternity is understood differently by a preschooler than by a fourth-grader, so treat each question from each child in an ageappropriate manner.

Attend church regularly with your children. Church attendance helps create children’s questions. Do not be surprised if they ask about the church service, a Bible story from Sunday school, a hymn or something the pastor said. The more often you attend church, the more often questions will arise. In fact, they will be automatic.

Family Ministry Team Arkansas Baptist State Convention

Let your children watch you live your life. Children love 10 watching their parents do everything, and their curiosity will spawn questions. Watching you live your daily life in the Lord will help them see that God is important to you. If you pray, read your Bible and talk about Jesus often, they will see it reflected in your life. Pray for your children. Ask God to help you find opportunities to talk with them about Him. This will help prepare your heart for what God might lead you to do and say when those times arise.

Engaging churches to build faith @ home Contact our team for help in your church: Marriage enrichment experiences Parent equipping seminars Family ministry strategies Call 501.376.4791, ext. 5193 or email Ben Phillips at bphillips@absc.org www.absc.org ARKANSAS CHRISTIAN PARENT // FALL • WINTER 2013

To compare or not o you ever find yourself comparing your child to other children? Or comparing your children to each other? I can tell you honestly and a little shamefully that I have. I find myself looking at my sons and comparing milestones, both cognitive and physical growth, language and speech capacities and athletic abilities. Between my husband and me, truthfully we do it more often than we should.

Parents should remember God has something special in store for each of us, including our children. Each of us is innately and intricately designed for His higher purpose. He is our Architect who has built every minute fragment of our beings to work in and for His glory. The Bible teaches, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well” (Psalm 139:13-14, NIV).

The comments even flow from our mouths, “Look at your brother – he can catch the ball or he can hit the ball. Why can’t you?” Or, “At the age of (fill in the blank) Troy or Peyton or Cash or Houston was able to (fill in the blank).” Should we be concerned with our behavior? Absolutely! When our baby boys were born, the only comparisons we made were their looks. Does he look like mommy or daddy, or which relative does the baby look like? It never crossed my mind to compare their weights, heights or how loud their cries were. They were precious and unique; I knew from the moment they were born that God had one special plan for each of them. What changed my thought process or my perspective? As babies grow, become toddlers and beyond, they are exposed to a variety of different environments, such as daycare, preschool, church, ball fields, dance studios, school, gymnastics, basketball gyms, swimming pools and so forth. As children are exposed to these environments, obviously parents are also exposed to them. I believe 14

ARKANSAS CHRISTIAN PARENT // FALL • WINTER 2013

that is when we start into this never-ending comparison cycle. As proud parents, we talk about our children – their abilities and the many milestones they have reached. Understandably, other parents want to share their children’s efforts and accomplishments. Intentionally or unintentionally, we begin. It may be that we are concerned with our child’s growth and development, which rushes us into a panic and a phone call to the physician to validate our concern. Or, perhaps it’s the lack of our self-worth that we subconsciously store deep down inside. Or, possibly could it be that we want our children to achieve excellence and fulfill the purposes that God has intended for them? From personal experience, I believe it’s a little of each.

Our uniqueness is designed perfectly, without flaw or imperfection from our Creator. Now, I’m not saying that we are perfect or without flaw, but our Creator, our Designer, our Architect is! As a mom and a child of Christ, I must honor that truth for myself and for my children. It is necessary that I learn to value that God has fashioned my children to be just as God has intended them to be. Just as no two snowflakes are the same, likewise no two of God’s creatures are the same. Each of us is unique in our talents, abilities, thoughts, skill levels, appearances, accomplishments and more. This is coordinated by the Creator for His purpose. According to the Bible, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28, NIV). If we would shift our perspective so that we would consider a person’s lack of a particular talent or gift was a part of God’s grand plan for that individual, we might just be able to see the positive intent in the grand plan

to compare? by Brandie Potter

rather than focus on the negative. Effort, willingness and faith are necessary to shift our perspective and to end the comparison cycle. When I am tempted to compare children, I remind myself, “If I could just get a glimpse of God’s grand plan … ”

honest, witty, loving and compassionate man one day. But in all of this, my main priority is to raise my child in the likeness of Christ. No matter our children’s abilities levels in home, school or community, our main focus as parents is not to compare, but rather to encourage the pursuit of God’s purpose.

What would we all be capable if we would let God take control in our lives and in our children’s lives?

“And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him” (Colossians 3:17, NIV).

Yes, I want my child to be the best ballplayer he can be. Yes, I want my child to excel in academics. Yes, I want my child to be a respectful, polite, kind, generous, loyal,

As my children continue on their journeys of life, my priority and hope are to influence them to do all that they do for God’s glory. No matter their natural ability or lack

thereof, high skill level or low skill level, if they live for the glory of the Lord, there is no comparison. As the holidays approach, remember to strive to encourage the pursuit of God’s purpose in the lives of your children, as well as your own life. Brandie Potter is director of education for Ascent Children’s Health Services, Batesville. She and her husband, Troy, enjoy encouraging their four sons to be the unique individuals God created them to be.

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ARKANSAS CHRISTIAN PARENT // FALL • WINTER 2013

How to talk to your children about sex by Ben Phillips

hristian parents are losing the battle on all fronts in the cultural war on sex, and the casualties are their children, grandchildren and future generations. Children hear a few messages from parents and the Church and an overwhelming number of messages from the media, friends and school. Instead of parents having “the talk,” they must have “multiple talks” with their children to equip their children with a biblical worldview regarding sexuality. The book of Proverbs gives 27 examples of parents teaching children – primarily the father teaching his son – which provides a model for today’s parents. Included in Proverbs are examples of a father taking initiative to warn and guide his son to make wise choices in the sexual arena of his life. Proverbs devotes many verses to this subject in Proverbs 2:16-20; 5:1-23; 6:20-29, and 7:1-27. The repetition of these references emphasizes the continuous role of parents frequently teaching their children in the home to walk the right path. The Proverbs 22:6 imperative of training children is illustrated multiple times in Proverbs. It will ultimately equip children to fear God, walk the path of wisdom and avoid the path of folly throughout 16

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the rest of their lives. Many parents equate their fulfillment of Proverbs 22:6 with taking their children to church and believing they have trained their children. Taking your children to church is important, but the average child spends about 40 hours being influenced at church each year while parents have about 3,000 hours in a given year to influence their children. Parents, you must develop a strategy to frequently and consistently train your children at home to live vibrant Christian lives.

There are a variety of ways to talk to your children about sex. Here are seven practical ideas:

Study Scripture. The “Baptist Faith and Message,” a faith statement adopted by the Southern Baptist Convention, offers a clear and concise statement about marriage and family, with a foundation of a variety of Scripture references, in its Article 18. Parents must frequently and consistently teach their children the biblical perspectives of gender, marriage and family. In order to teach your children, you must be clear about what the Bible teaches.

Memorize key Bible verses. Memorize key verses related to a biblical view of purity and sexuality. Hiding God’s Word in their hearts will enable your children to make wise decisions in the future. In Matthew 4, Jesus handled temptation by quoting Scripture, and we can do the same. Some verses to get you started are featured below.

Read books. A variety of quality resources is available to help you have multiple conversations with your children. Start with the “God’s Design for Sex Series” by Stan and Brenna Jones to engage in formal and frequent talks. Topics in the series provide parents with age-appropriate language to help their children walk the path of wisdom in the sexual arena: “How and When to Tell Your Kids about Sex: A Lifelong Approach to Shaping Your Child’s Sexual Character;” “The Story of Me” (ages 3-5); “Before I Was Born” (ages 5-8); “What’s the Big Deal: Why God Cares about Sex” (ages 8-11); “Facing the Facts: The Truth about Sex and You” (ages 1114). Parents, your children need to be guided and taught by God’s principles from you first. Similar resources for parents include: “Raising Sexually Pure Kids” by Tim and Beverly LaHaye and “Teaching Your Children Healthy Sexuality” by Jim Burns. Resources for teenage boys include: “Who Moved the Goalposts?” by Bob Gresh and “Preparing Your Son for Every Young Man’s Battle” by Stephen Arterburn. Some great resources for teenage girls include: “And the Bride Wore White” by Dana Gresh and “Preparing Your Daughter for Every Young Woman’s Battle” by Shannon Ethridge.

Discuss current events. Discuss news events about sexuality with your children from a biblical perspective. Recently, the Supreme Court handed down some decisions related to same-sex marriage. Use this as an opportunity to discuss homosexuality with your children from a biblical perspective. They won’t hear a biblical perspective in the news or from their peers, so they must hear it from you. Some key verses to help you in your discussion are: Genesis 19; Leviticus 18:22; 20:13; Romans 1:18-27; 1 Corinthians 6:9-10, and 1 Timothy 1:10.

Discover what schools are teaching. Many schools are striving to educate children about sex and sexuality at younger ages without many parameters and often without parents’ knowledge. Don’t just abdicate this role to educators. Find out what and when they are teaching on sex. You may choose to pull your children out of school on those days, or you may choose to discuss the topics ahead of time at home, allow your children to attend those teaching times and have another follow-up discussion at home.

Minimize exposure. Minimize your children’s exposure to an unbiblical view of sex and sexuality. Guard what your children watch on TV and in movies. Be wary of allowing your children to have a television or computer in their rooms where they can access a variety of sexually laden shows and websites. Early exposure tends to desensitize children in the area of sexuality, possibly leading to promiscuity and aberrant sexual behaviors.

Encourage your church to host a seminar for parents. Host a seminar for parents on how to talk to your children about sex and sexuality. Provide parents with tools and resources that can help them engage in frequent biblical conversations with their children. I teach a seminar for parents titled “How to Intentionally Equip Your Children to Live a Lifestyle of Purity” that I would be glad to share in your church upon request. It’s never too late to engage in conversations with your children about sexuality. It will likely be more awkward the longer you wait, but push through the awkwardness and talk. Don’t just have “the talk,” but have multiple talks. Talking with your children and dialoguing about what Scripture teaches regarding sex will enrich your relationship with them and with God. They will learn that living a sexually pure life prior to marriage will enable them to have a healthy sexual relationship in the context of marriage that brings lasting fulfillment and honors God. Ben Phillips and his wife, Karen, have three children and enjoy building faith at home. He serves as the family ministry team leader for the Arkansas Baptist State Convention.

KEY OLD TESTAMENT VERSES FOR MEMORIZATION

KEY NEW TESTAMENT VERSES FOR MEMORIZATION

• Exodus 20:14

• John 17:14-15

• Leviticus 20:10

• Romans 1:26-28; 6:11-12; 12:1-2; 13:14

• Job 31:1

• 1 Corinthians 4:5; 6:9-10, 18-20; 9:27; 10:12-13

• Psalm 51

• 2 Corinthians 10:4-5; 12:9-10

• Proverbs 5; 6; 7

• Galatians 5:16; 6:1-3, 7-8

• Ecclesiastes 2:10-11; 4:9-10

• Ephesians 4:19; 5:3, 15-18; 6:10-18

• Matthew 5:27-28; 6:22-23

• Jeremiah 15:16

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WHAT NEXT

GUIDING A CHILD ALONG THE FAITH JOURNEY

by Allison Walsh Kizzia

When someone makes a profession of faith in Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord, there is much to celebrate. Children who make decisions may often wonder what happens next and how life will be different. Parents and leaders have the privilege of coming alongside children and helping them on their Christian journeys. We are able to help them lay foundations as they learn how to build their lives in Christ. The more intentionally children are discipled, the less doubt they experience as they grow up. The more children talk about their faith and act to deepen their relationships with Christ, the stronger their faith becomes. Each child is unique and the ways each child lives out the Christian faith may differ, but here are some general ideas to help children on their faith journeys. IDEAS FOR PERSONAL GROWTH AA Participate in a class for new Christians at church. Being engaged in a class that helps children develop a deeper understanding of what it means to be a Christian and how to share what they believe with others provides confidence and knowledge. A great next step after this class for new Christians is to have children of similar ages who have made decisions meet on a regular basis to talk about how they are learning to grow in their faith. AA Model and train children in having a daily quiet time. Depending on the children’s ages, work with them to create a habit of spending daily time reading God’s Word and praying. You may have to guide them at first, but school-age children should quickly progress to time alone with God. Finding age-appropriate devotional guides are great as children start learning to study for themselves. It is important to remember to have them use the Bible to read specific passages, even if the Scripture is written out for them. This creates the habit of exploring God’s Word on their own.

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AA Have a family devotional/accountability time. If this is something your family has already been doing, add an element of responsibility. The goal is for the family to open God’s Word together and pray and support each other in living out their faith. One easy way to do this is to take a topic a month to focus on as a family. Each week, read a passage that shows what God has to say. Next, have each family member list something they will do that week to show they are putting it into practice. For example, if a family adopts the topic of media, they might choose to read and memorize, “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things (Philippians 4:8, NIV). One person might set goals related to TV; another might focus on goals related to types of video games and another might address goals related to telephone usage. The following week, family members talk about what they did and what they learned before looking at the week ahead. Parents can use this time to address age-appropriate issues and help children learn how their faith impacts them as they grow with topics related to sportsmanship, dating, fashion, friendships and more.

IDEAS FOR HELPING CHILDREN LEARN TO SHARE THEIR TESTIMONIES AA Share with the church family. After children make decisions, have them share what happened with those who were not present when it happened. Telling Sunday school teachers, other church leaders and friends they see at church about their professions of faith is a great way to teach them about sharing personal testimonies. AA Share with family and friends. Have children call relatives to tell the good news. Have a baptism or spiritual birthday party where children invite friends and family with the sole purpose of celebrating becoming a Christian and making the decision public. Include a time for the children to share what happened. Providing time for others to share and possibly respond would offer support and encouragement for children who might be shy.

IDEAS FOR PUTTING FAITH TO WORK AA Get involved in serving at church. Many people think you have to wait until you are older to serve at church, but here are some ideas children of any age can do: greet at doors, distribute bulletins, pick up around the church, tell a Bible story or lead an activity for a class of younger children, take up the offering, collect attendance records, help decorate for special events, surprise the choir with snacks during rehearsal, visit guests who have children, pray or read Scripture in worship or send cards to those who are on the prayer list. What they can do is limited only by imagination. Connecting the act of service with a Scripture takes serving to a deeper level.

Discover

AA Be involved in missions. Find ways as a family to serve on a monthly basis. Is there anyone in your neighborhood you can serve? Can you help in the community? When you find a project, be sure to tell those involved that Jesus loves them and ask if you can share why He is important to you. This can take on a whole new level by inviting friends to be part of the project. Allison Walsh Kizzia is the preschool and children’s ministry consultant for the Arkansas Baptist State Convention. Because a chocolate chip cookie shaped her faith and life, she enjoys spending time in the kitchen with her husband and 4-year-old as they experiment with recipes while learning about life. For more ideas or resources on discipling children and other preschool/children’s ministry needs, contact Kizzia at akizzia@absc.org or by calling 501-376-4791, ext. 5132.

201 East C Avenue North Little Rock, AR 72116 501.753.3413 www.parkhillbaptist.org Dr. Ken Shaddox Senior Pastor Sunday Mornings at Park Hill Worship Services  8:15 & 10:55 a.m. Bible Study  9:30 a.m.

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THE DISCONNECT:

Raising children and protecting family in the digital age

by Joel Owen

ourselves and our children from being exposed to as much of the garbage as we can?”

I am also a student pastor, so I deal with teenagers and their parents quite frequently concerning the consumption of media. While I do not believe that “the media” is the devil incarnate, I do believe there are things we, as parents, must be cautious about as we live in this digital age and raise our children during this time of expanding digital influence.

Before we can commit to raising our family wholesomely and protect them from digital pollution, we, as adults, must strive for godliness and holiness in our personal lives. The standards you expect for your children must be modeled first and foremost by you. Job said, “I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman” (Job 31:1, NIV). We need to make some covenants of our own in order to lead our families to understand how seriously we take our purity and what we desire to see from them concerning purity in their lives. Before we can turn the tide of raising children to make wise decisions concerning media consumption, there needs to be a generation of adults who covenant to use media appropriately.

normal evening in my home includes a lot of media usage. Our family, perhaps like yours, watches TV, uses the Internet and plays games on a variety of devices. My wife and I have two sons, ages 5 and 3, and there has been quite a learning curve of discovering what is OK for them to watch and what is not. What games can they play, and what should be avoided? How do we protect ourselves and our children online?

We’ve all heard by now about the dangers and evils that exist in our world through media in this digital age. Whether you are watching TV with your family or surfing the Web on your computer or smartphone, there are untold possibilities of being exposed to things that do not honor Jesus. Occasionally, even the game applications I download to my phone for my boys to play have pop-up ads I wouldn’t want them to see. There is no limit to the negative exposure that is possible in our world. When I was a child, someone who wanted to see pornography had to buy a hard copy somewhere. It took some effort (even if minimal) to get your hands on the stuff. Today, any child with a smartphone and an unprotected Internet browser can get pornography in seconds. Dangerous media are available. The question is, “How do we live godly lives and protect 20

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Living with purity in our digital world requires effort and usually money. But it’s worth the time and cost in order to do what is necessary to help protect ourselves and our children. I’m not one of those people who is about to tell you to throw your TV out the window, trash your computer and never let your children have a phone. I apologize if I’ve offended anyone who may take those stances. I enjoy a lot of what media has to offer. I watch TV (maybe too much sometimes), use my smartphone regularly and allow my children to use the Internet. But my wife and I attempt to do all of those things with godly wisdom. Allow me to share with you some of the things that I believe allow us to take advantage of the good that media offer, while guarding

our minds and hearts. I can’t possibly discuss every issue or helpful resource, such as Internet filters, in the space available, so allow me to simply present two thoughts to spur on your thinking.

MAKE MEDIA PUBLIC, NOT PRIVATE Where do people in your house have the opportunity to watch TV, listen to music, be online or use their phones? One of the most helpful things you can do is require those places to be public, not private. In working with teenagers through the years, I have found that the strangest, most outof-character things Christian teenagers do often happen with a phone in their hands in their rooms after their parents go to bed. I counsel parents of teenagers to not even allow the phone in their teenagers’ rooms! Will the act of keeping that form of digital media public save your children from some major issues as they mature? Hopefully, yes! I don’t have research numbers or professional opinions to back me up here, but I see no reason for children or teenagers to have unfiltered access to the Internet, movies and TV in their private bedrooms. Old-fashioned? Perhaps. Safe? I believe so. Now, let me be clear here. Some of the things I’m talking about aren’t related to the dark monsters of the online world at all. I once had a student who told me the best thing she did was turn her phone off at night. She had been getting texts at all hours of the night and had gone months without a good night’s sleep! She had not been using the technology wisely. It wasn’t that she was exploring the world of online pornography or chatting with strangers; however, she was consuming media in an unwise, exhausting way.

have been fearfully and wonderfully made by a God who loves them for exactly who they are (Psalm 139:14). Talk with your children about how they are using media and technology and guide them with wisdom. King David said, “I will be careful to lead a blameless life … I will walk in my house with blameless heart. I will set before my eyes no vile thing … I will have nothing to do with evil” (Psalm 101:2-4, NIV). As parents we do not have to cower in fear of the technological world around us where media presence is constantly expanding. We do have to parent with wisdom and godliness, in order to steer our children toward an understanding of the appropriate way to use media throughout their lives. Media and technology will either serve us, or we will serve them. Help distinguish the difference between those two things in your home. Joel Owen has been married to Heather for 11 years; they have two rambunctious boys. Joel has been a student pastor for 12 years. The past two years, he has served at Crossgate Church in Hot Springs, where he is the head of the family ministries team.

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KNOW HOW TECHNOLOGY IS BEING USED I have to admit I am not the most technologically intelligent guy! My brother got all the technological brains in our family. But I try to stay up-to-date on what technology is available and how people are using it. Do you know how your children are using social media and mobile devices? Technology, in and of itself, is not bad or evil, but how we use it is! Parents of preteens and teens, do you know what sexting is? Are you aware of what social networks your children are part of? Do you have any idea what type of persona they have built for themselves online? Students are living in a world of social media, but few are given parental instructions about what is right and wrong and what is true or false in that realm. We must help our children understand who they are as unique individuals created in the image of God. Ours is a world filled with people creating false identities based on the need for approval. As parents, we must help our children understand they

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ARKANSAS CHRISTIAN PARENT // FALL • WINTER 2013

Becoming a partner with your children’s teachers by Katerina Foley

here’s an old Southern saying about being in only one business: “You can’t read the label when you are sitting inside the jar.” Is it possible that the saying could express how parents look at their children? As parents, we are so close to our children that we often miss opportunities to train them up to be godly. Our eyes can be blinded to strengths that can become faults or to weaknesses that can cripple our children. A biblical example of parents who loved their children so much they missed great opportunities to train them were Isaac and Rebekah (Genesis 25). Isaac was both physically and spiritually blinded to a son who had a rebellious, selfish streak in his character. Esau’s selfish nature was revealed when he sold his birthright for a bowl of soup and, in spite, married outside of his parent’s blessing. Isaac and Rebekah also missed the deceitful character in Jacob when he tricked Esau out of both the birthright and the blessing. Somehow, as parents, we must step “outside the jar” so we can read the labels more clearly in our children. 22

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One way parents can learn more about their children is by seeing them through the eyes of those who see them a majority of their awake hours – their classroom teachers. When we send our children to school, we are partnering with their teachers to help us educate our children. Teachers have a unique perspective of your children. Not only do teachers see your children academically, they see your children interact with peers, work in a learning environment, solve problems and respond to adversity. Teachers see your children in situations that parents rarely have the opportunity to observe. Teachers also have another unique perspective of your children. Without comparing one child to another because every child is an original creation of God, teachers know appropriate behaviors at certain ages. For example, as the playground observer, teachers know when a child is overly sensitive, friendly, bossy or lonely. In the classroom, teachers know how long a student should be expected to

work independently, when a student should be capable of turning in finished work or at what level a student should be able to read without intervention. With a wealth of experience and/or training, teachers can help parents know if their children are meeting developmental milestones. Along the educational journey, perhaps your children will have the privilege of having an “old-fashioned” teacher. This is the teacher who has been around long enough to give wisdom and perspective on raising children in today’s culture. At times, we parents get so caught up in the competitive, athletically dominated, power-driven culture that we need to be reminded by experienced teachers what is most important in life. These teachers are gold. They have seen children grow from quiet, shy students to CEOs of a company. They have learned from their own mistakes and the mistakes of others. They have observed parenting from the crib to adulthood and know one parenting decision – right or wrong – neither makes nor breaks a child. According to Proverbs 15:22, there is wisdom in many counselors. Studies confirm that active parents who connect with their children’s classroom teachers help their children succeed academically. Perhaps this year as parent/teacher conferences roll around, you will learn more than your children’s reading levels or test scores. The questions (on the chalkboard to the right) open the door for a different level of communication with classroom teachers. Did you notice the question flow? The questions for the conference were not about grades. The questions follow a theme of character traits that parents can follow up with at home to develop successful godly adults. Grades are important, but grades do not define children. Character defines who our children are. As parents, use your time with your children’s teachers to help you see who your children really are. Later, you can begin to talk to, guide and pray for your children in ways that will lead them to have godly character. This year’s brief parent/teacher conference could impact your child for eternity. Katerina Foley is elementary dean at Shiloh Christian School in Springdale.

• Who does my child play with? Does my child include others in the play group? • When playing with others, does my child have to be the leader? Can my child take turns? Does my child play appropriately with others? Is my child kind? • Does my child finish personal work on time? Does my child take care of materials? • Does my child seek to do the best work possible? • Does my child listen? Does my child obey? Does my child take correction? • Does my child accept responsibility for personal actions? • In what areas does my child excel? What subject is most interesting to my child?

One way parents can learn more about their children is by seeing them through the eyes of those who see them a majority of their awake hours – their classroom teachers. ARKANSAS CHRISTIAN PARENT // FALL • WINTER 2013

Launch! Raising children to let them go by Shari Edwards

couple years ago, as part of our son’s college welcome ceremonies, I was invited to speak to the incoming freshmen class and their parents from the perspective of the parent of a college freshman. Two years earlier, we had been through this process with our oldest son. When we left him on this same campus, it had been a full and good day; before we knew it, we were saying goodbye. I didn’t cry or sob, either on that day or in days to come. God seemed to give me a confidence and comfort that He was about to show me the start of all the good things He had been storing up for my son, beyond what I had imagined or hoped! This life experience exposed me to the fact that parents of children of all ages can experience a vast array of emotions and feelings at various stages of “letting go.” As I had conversations with other parents about this topic, it became evident to me that parents can struggle with allowing their children to experience that next step of independence – not just when their children leave home for the first time, but even as early as when they start kindergarten. The same principles that helped me when my firstborn left home can also apply throughout the child-rearing years. Each phase presents a new set of “letting go” challenges. If we keep our eyes on what our objective is as parents, we’ll raise confident, productive, well-adjusted, God-following young adults.

Launch and look forward

Part of letting go means we have to let them fly, make mistakes and have their own life experiences. Let go and let them. You might be pleasantly surprised!

In an article titled, “Releasing Your Arrows,” Dennis Rainey, president and CEO of Family Life Ministries, wrote: “In Psalm 127:4 children are compared to ‘arrows in the hand of warrior.’ Arrows are not designed to stay in the quiver. Arrows are created for flight. For God’s target. For battle. And from the time you bring them home from the hospital, those little arrows must be shaped, sharpened, and honed for God’s intended purpose. “Every archer worth his salt can tell you there is pain in launching an arrow. As the archer lets go, his left forearm can be painfully stung with the slap of the string. The same is true of a parent’s heart. While the ‘arrow’ is enjoying the flight he was made for, the heart of a parent feels the sting of the release. “Releasing is also scary. Will they fly straight? Will they be blown off course? Will they fall short of God’s intended destination for their lives?

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“You’ll never know if you don’t release them. But they’ll never grow up if you keep them safe in your quiver, away from the battlefield.” As our children approach a new stage of independence, things aren’t as simple as when they were little and depended on us for everything. Now we begin to guide them as they make decisions and also experience consequences – this is the process of shaping our arrows. We need to also understand that it’s natural to have the frets and fears of the unknown. As your children enter kindergarten, letting go is scary. Will they meet nice friends? Will the teacher understand their personality and treat them fairly? Several friends’ children have begun the middle school years – changing classes, being exposed to more negative influences and experiencing the anxiety of trying to fit in and make friends. And then, think about your concerns when your children set out with newly found independence driving on the public roadways! Will they know how to navigate the hectic traffic? Will they pay attention or be distracted? Maybe you worry a lot, or maybe not. Remember not to feed your fears. When you look for fears, all you see are your fears. And don’t fret over the unknown. Instead, trust God and look forward to your children’s journeys as well as your own journey. God has new things that we might miss if we’re too busy looking back or worrying. As our son began his college journey, I felt confident that God would continue doing the work He began and entrusted to us as parents up until that point. And I began looking for the next good thing! Don’t grieve over what is changing; instead, anticipate and look forward to the new adventure.

schools as they seek to oversee your children’s journeys over the next few years. Lift up with not only your prayers, but also with your encouragement. Then, leave. This word can be defined this way: “to go away,” “to let stay without interference,” “to have as a remainder.” No matter what phase your children are entering, new doors are about to open for them, doors to new beginnings that will take them to places God has dreamed just for them! Launch and look forward. Look for that arrow to leave the string of your bow, and watch it sail strongly through the air as it hits the target set in place by its Creator. Shari Edwards is a women’s ministry speaker, writer and mom to a teenage son and two young adult sons. She and her husband, Andy, are members of Park Hill Baptist Church in North Little Rock. You can find her Genesis Girls ministry blog at www.sharibeth.wordpress.com. To read the entirety of Rainey’s article, “Releasing Your Arrows,” see www.familylife.com.

Let go and let them You’ve been preparing for this day – the day you will let go. Understand you won’t be aware of your college children’s coming and going, all the new friends they’re making or if they’re doing their homework! And though you are not with them, thanks to texting, Facebook, Skype, Instagram and Twitter, you can still easily keep up with your children – sometimes too easily. Social media have changed not only the landscape of our society, but also how we parent. This begins even in the earliest years of childhood; we are a culture that is increasingly consumed with social media. We need to grasp that this constant access can be a detriment for our children and for us in the “letting go” process. Parents should avoid trying to micromanage everything for them or keep tabs on them. Many parenting experts have concluded that overprotective parents actually are a detriment to their children’s healthy development. Such overprotection tends to frustrate both parents and children alike. Part of letting go means we have to let them fly, make mistakes and have their own life experiences. Let go and let them. You might be pleasantly surprised!

Lift up and leave Lift up your eyes to God for help and guidance in the lives of your children and in your own life as you anticipate these coming days of change. Understand that this is what you have been preparing them for all these years. Lift up the faculty and staff of your children’s ARKANSAS CHRISTIAN PARENT // FALL • WINTER 2013

RAISING ‘EXCUSE ME’ CHILDREN IN AN ‘EXCUSE YOU’ WORLD:

Cultivating a spirit of gratitude and generosity all year long by Garrick D. Conner

everal years ago, my wife, Michelle, and I had the opportunity to visit New York City for an extended weekend getaway. I had long desired to experience the buzz of the Big Apple, with its honking taxis, street vendors and glistening skyscrapers. For a Southern guy, the “city that never sleeps” was a real change of scenery, a sharp contrast from the more sprawling and laid-back Dallas-Fort Worth area that had been home for several years.

ARKANSAS CHRISTIAN PARENT // FALL • WINTER 2013

Indeed, New York City tickled the senses with its sights, sounds and smells (not all of which were pleasant, by the way). However, I found one thing in strikingly short supply: hospitality. New Yorkers are a different breed, to be sure. It didn’t take long for my wife and me to notice that our smiles, nods

and pleasantries were almost always ignored. Was this a by-product of busyness or merely an outward manifestation of a prevailing “each man for himself” mentality? Perhaps nowhere was the sense of unconcern for others more evident than at the subway stations. And woe to those who dared to try to walk against the mob of people exiting the station at each stop! Michelle and I commented to each other that the most frequently used greeting was not much of a greeting at all. As our shoulders brushed against a seemingly endless sea of people, person after person grimaced and snapped, “Excuse you.” That’s right. One of the kindest and most common expressions – at least in the South – had been corrupted and turned into a belittling battle cry that seemed to say, “You don’t belong here. Get out of my way.” Now, in fairness, I feel compelled to acknowledge that this prevailing attitude of “me first” was by no means universal. There were moments of kindness and courtesy, although most of them, as I recall, seemed to come from other visitors to the city – people who, no doubt, knew all too well the feeling of being lost in a place where no one knows your name.

In the years since our trip to the big city, I have come to understand that while it’s easy to pick on millions of anonymous people in New York City, the “me first” mentality is increasingly creeping into rural areas of our nation, even in the Deep South. Jesus modeled a lifestyle of service to others. Even in a day and time without traffic, wireless technology and seemingly constant noise, His humility stood out to others. Christian parents have a responsibility to help shape the character of their children by teaching them the truths of Scripture and by following the example of Christ. One of the Bible’s most enduring themes is gratitude. I would go so far as to say that gratitude is the antidote to selfishness. In a self-absorbed culture that demands its way about any number of things, genuine gratitude shines like a brilliant diamond. As the holiday season draws near, the world will bombard us with commercials, catalogs, sales circulars and Internet ads designed to appeal to the selfish nature that resides within us all. As Christian parents, let’s do our best to instill a spirit of gratitude and generosity in our children all throughout the year. Here are a few ways you can lead your children to practice these values: Say, “Thank you.” Far too many adults have fallen into the entitlement mentality that says, “It’s all about me.” Parents of preschoolers might encourage their young ones by making a game of looking and listening for people to thank. This will likely include supermarket checkers, mail deliverers, restaurant servers and school custodians. When we say, “Thank you,” we’re actually saying, “You didn’t have to do that, but I’m glad you did.” By the way, bonus points should be awarded when the person is thanked by name. We humans like the sound of our names, and we always notice when people take time to note our names.

Put it in writing. Handwritten notes are almost a relic of the past, which makes them that much more valuable today. And thank-you notes should not be reserved for actual material gifts. Take time to thank people for their hospitality, kindness and friendship. When you write heartfelt expressions of gratitude, you say to the recipient (and implicitly to your children), “I am blessed.” Be careful to acknowledge not only the big and obvious blessings in your life,

but also the small ones. Help your children write thank-you notes in their own words. Say a blessing before meals. This may seem like a no-brainer, but I know many Christians who don’t regularly voice a prayer before they begin a meal. A simple blessing can help remind your children – and yourself – of God’s goodness in providing for your physical needs

Participate in a family mission project. Our family loves to shop together each year to pick out gifts for Operation Christmas Child. Whether it’s packing a shoe box for a boy or girl, visiting someone in a nursing home or serving

together at a local soup kitchen, you will cultivate an awareness of the many needs in our world. Parents, please realize that many charitable organizations have more volunteers than they need during the holiday season. However, you can be involved on an ongoing basis throughout the year! Create a “blessing tree.” There are a number of ways to incorporate this simple idea into your Thanksgiving celebration. Our family writes some specific things for which we are grateful on die-cut leaves made of construction paper. Each time we enjoy a meal together, we choose one or two leaves to read, thanking God for loving us. Many examples of this can be found at www.pinterest.com.

Donate toys for less fortunate boys and girls. Let’s face it: most American children get spoiled at birthdays and Christmas. There’s never a bad time to purge the toy closet or playroom of items that are not being used. Obviously, the toys should still work as intended and have all corresponding parts. Many churches, hospitals and charities will accept gently used toys for use by the children they serve. Make sure to double-check your local resources so that your generosity doesn’t end up lining the pockets of a corporate executive. For birthdays, you might encourage your

children to consider having their friends bring one new toy to be donated to a children’s hospital, children’s advocacy center or homeless shelter. Don’t wait for special occasions! Every year millions of people worldwide are impacted by natural disasters, such as hurricanes, earthquakes, tornadoes and wildfires. When you hear of such devastation, make an effort to talk with your children about ways you can help. This past spring, many Arkansas churches sent “Buckets of Love” filled with a variety of needed items to Oklahoma immediately following the catastrophic storms.

If you want to encourage a spirit of gratitude and generosity in your children, you must realize God has placed you in a position to lead in that direction. Far too many parents – even Christian parents – relegate the spiritual development of their children to the church. As wonderful and dedicated as Sunday school teachers are, they will never have the level of impact that you as a parent can have. Just think of the difference we can make in our world if we learn how to successfully raise “excuse me” children in an “excuse you” world. It’s not too late to make the necessary adjustments and live your life with the purpose of pointing others to Christ, both now and for generations to come. Garrick D. Conner is discipleship pastor at Park Hill Baptist Church in North Little Rock. He and his wife, Michelle, have two children, Jackson and Caroline. You can find more of his writings at www.garrickdconner.com.

ARKANSAS CHRISTIAN PARENT // FALL • WINTER 2013

Can my family afford it?

Which college do I pick? How do I get scholarships?

Private or public?

SAT or ACT?

College doesn’t have to be scary by Caleb Yarbrough

ARKANSAS CHRISTIAN PARENT // FALL • WINTER 2013

s autumn dawns in the Natural State, high school students across Arkansas are busy with Friday night football games, fall festivals and corn mazes. For many, preparing to make the transition from high school to college is probably the last thing on their minds. Once a student decides to attend college, the steps of choosing the right college, deciding how to pay for it and making the adjustment from living at home to living on campus are vital. Every year, students and parents find themselves with no direction, immersed in a sea of anxiety and uncertainty as entrance applications and financial aid paperwork pile up. But that doesn’t have to be you and your child. There is a better way! Lynn Loyd, missions consultant for the Arkansas Baptist State Convention (ABSC) collegiate ministry team, has spent years working as a minister to college students. Before becoming a consultant in 2012, he was Baptist Collegiate Ministry (BCM) campus minister for the University of Arkansas, Fayetteville.

or other costs for paying early and if certain fees that cover optional services can be waived. While “full-ride” scholarships, which pay for nearly all of a student’s college costs, are difficult to come by, scholarships come in various amounts and are awarded based on many different criteria. Nearly every student who attends college in Arkansas, whether the school is public or private, large or small, should be able to subsidize some of the costs, not only through federal financial aid, but also through a scholarship or multiple scholarships. Many students miss out on free money every year because they fail to research available scholarships for which they are eligible from the Arkansas Department of Higher Education. Additionally, the college or university they choose to attend may offer departmental scholarships based on their chosen courses of study. Other

Choosing a college, finding ways to pay for it and helping students make the transition to their next stages of life are much less painful if students and parents work together and follow a few simple tips, according to Loyd. First, when it comes to thinking about college, start early, Loyd said. While not all students know the school they want to attend by the time they are old enough to understand what college is, a good time to start thinking about college is when students enter high school. “Begin your freshman or sophomore year in high school building a college binder. Keep track of important dates for ACT and SAT testing, scholarship deadlines, application deadlines and financial aid deadlines,” advised Loyd. Regarding the ACT and SAT college entrance exams, Loyd said whether a student is taking both tests or just one of the two, they should take advantage of practice tests. Getting high scores on practice ACT and SAT tests may not always translate into good scores on the real thing, but they are one of the best ways to prepare. When it comes to financial aid, Loyd said to apply as soon as possible with a Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA). Many students miss out on many financial aid opportunities each year by failing to complete a FAFSA. Often, parents or students do not understand what the FAFSA is or assume they do not qualify for any kind of federal aid and simply don’t bother filling one out. Regardless of a student’s financial situation, filling out a FAFSA can never hurt, and students often find they are eligible for much more financial aid than they previously thought possible. Another tip for students and parents of students who have chosen a college early is to ask the school if it offers a discount in tuition, fees

organizations – such as churches, religious organizations, community organizations and nonprofits, clubs and local or national businesses – also offer scholarships to students based on various criteria. Loyd added that many students are eligible for minority or needsbased scholarships from the federal government or nonprofits that focus on providing aid for students who would otherwise not be able to afford college. For students attending colleges or universities where their parents or family members attended, there are often discounts or scholarships available to children or relatives of alumni. The government and many schools also offer special scholarships and aid for students who are dependents of military personnel. While many students have their hearts set on attending a certain school right off the bat, Loyd said that another way to lower the cost of college is to spend a few semesters at a community college and later transfer to a four-year college or university to complete a bachelor’s degree.

ARKANSAS CHRISTIAN PARENT // FALL • WINTER 2013

Community colleges are often much less expensive than four-year colleges or universities and usually offer a lighter load academically. Spending time at a community college before entering a four-year school can not only save students a tremendous amount of money, but also give them confidence in the classroom when they begin taking classes within their major courses of study.

Most colleges in Arkansas, including small Christian liberal arts colleges and major state universities, offer active campus ministries. Often, churches located in college towns focus a large share of their ministries on both reaching lost students and giving Christian students a place to feel at home and get involved. Students entering college for the first time should be proactive in staying healthy in mind, body and spirit, according to Loyd. He recommended that students take a light load of classes during their first semesters, allowing them to ease into college-level course work; take the initiative to not only attend class regularly, but also to meet and get to know their professors; eat a balanced diet and exercise regularly, and communicate with their parents often. Choosing the right school, finding ways to pay for it and making the transition from high school to college can be daunting for both students and parents. However, it does not have to be. Using these few tips, you and your son or daughter can confidently move on to one of the most exciting and memorable stages of his or her life!

For students who plan to work during college, Loyd said to find out if their employers offer sponsored tuition or tuition reimbursement. Many people think of tuition reimbursement being something only offered to full-time employees who are seeking graduate degrees to further their careers. However, that is not always the case. Some companies, especially those based in college towns or those employing a large number of college students, offer some kind of sponsored tuition or tuition reimbursement to help employees ease the burden of paying for their children’s educations. Students, especially freshman, should not work too much, Loyd cautioned. He recommended that first-year students who choose to or need to work during their first semesters try to keep their work hours less than 10 hours a week. This is important, Loyd said, because, to be successful in college, students should treat college as an “8 to 5 job.” Working too much – especially when students are still transitioning to being away from home, experiencing more difficult course content and managing their time – can be detrimental to their performance in the classroom and their transition into college life.

Is there more to life than this? There is... Jesus said, "My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life." John 10:10, NLT God loves us and has a plan for our lives. "God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16, NIV

Whether working or not, students often find the transition from high school to college to be difficult. This can be especially true for students attending schools far from their homes or where they do not know anyone.

Our problem is that we have willfully chosen to disobey God (called "sin"). "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." Romans 3:23, NIV

There are a number of ways for students to avoid becoming overwhelmed with the transition from high school to college, Loyd said, including joining a campus ministry, getting involved in a local church or finding a mentor to meet with regularly.

Though we deserve to be punished for our sin and separated from God, He provided a way for us to be forgiven and changed. "The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 6:23, NIV

While statistics show that a large number of students leave the church during their college years, many people fail to consider that great numbers of students become believers or grow their existing faith tremendously while in college. 30

Caleb Yarbrough is a staff writer at Arkansas Baptist News. He is a recent graduate of the University of Georgia with degrees in journalism and history.

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