VA N C O U V E R
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Denim + Denim Sierra Gedeon, 65.8%
Archive is Vancouver’s people-powered magazine.
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ARCHIVE MAGAZINE
eat e. m l loca xpensiv , c i e lity an a e g u r b at, o ave to op q s, t e r t G sn’t h bou hnique and a s e i do tec farms er h y c r t u B tche inable s. u d b n a ew susta tomer ise n a r g B s, usin s with ur cus cut ership e to o n lu part ing va g brin
Photos by @whentheyfindus
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H OW A R C H I V E WO R K S Our app finds the most popular photos in Vancouver and we publish them in a monthly magazine.
H OW T H E A P P WO R K S
It’s like Tinder for photography. Swipe up if you like a photo. Swipe sideways if you don’t care. If a photo sucks, swipe it down. You can swipe a photo only once, every swipe is equal, and all swipes are kept secret. Each photo is assigned a score based on these swipes. SUBMISSION DEADLINE
There’s a timer in the app that counts backwards from thirty days. When it reaches zero we stop counting swipes, pull the winning photos off the server, and make the magazine. A week later, copies of Archive can be found in cafés, restaurants, and shops across Vancouver. W H AT T O P H O TO G R A P H
There are four categories for your photos: People, Places, Things, and Monthly. People is self-explanatory. If a person is the focus of your photo it belongs in the People category. Places is for photos on a big scale like sunsets, landscapes, beaches, or architecture.
6 Archive
Things is for the small stuff like food or animals. If the subject of the photo could fit in your living room, it belongs in the Things category. Monthly will change every issue. It could be tattoos, the beach, cats, or black and white photos. Its purpose is to make each magazine different. If you’d like to suggest a monthly category, email it to info@elective.ca. W H AT N O T TO P H O TO G R A P H
Don’t be antisocial. Don’t post nudes. Don’t embarrass people. Don’t upload copyrighted material. Don’t post photos with watermarks. Don’t use the service to try to sell products. For fuck’s sake, do NOT post inspirational quotes. There are lots of ways to be a jerk with a camera, please avoid them all. If you encounter a photo that breaks one of these rules you can bring it to our attention by touching the three dots beside the photographer’s name. We will review it as soon as possible.
T H E P H O TO S T R E A M
The default photostream consists of every photo on the network presented in reverse chronological order (newest to oldest). You can refine your stream at any time by touching the sandwich icon in the top left corner of the app. Browse a category by touching People, Places, or Things. If you want easy access to the photos your friends have submitted, touch the Following filter. L E A D E R B OA R D
Top Photos is a list of the top 50 images based on score. It resets each month. Top Photographers is a list of people ranked by the average score of their five best photos in a given month. The winner will be interviewed and given a six-page spread to showcase their best photography in the following month’s magazine. CO M M E N T S
We didn’t include commenting in the app because user-generated comment sections often devolve into an orgy of racism and harassment. Instead, we
will hand-pick someone from Vancouver each month to provide the text that accompanies the photography in the magazine. That person might be a comedian, a musician, or a bartender. Their profession is irrelevant so long as their comments are insightful, interesting, or funny. If you would like to be the commenter, read the three questions below and send your answers to info@elective.ca. 1. If you could fight one person from Vancouver (past or present, alive or dead) who would it be and why? 2. What is the worst restaurant (or bar) in Vancouver that is secretly good, and why? 3. Use a metaphor or simile to describe how people in Vancouver dress. TRU E STORIES
Our readers submit stories about their lives and we publish them. A story should be between 1200 and 1500 words, set in Vancouver, and based on real events. If interested, email a draft of your story to info@elective.ca. We are hiring writers for other elements of
the magazine. If you’d like to write for Archive, True Stories is a good way to introduce us to your writing. F E E D B AC K
Nothing is more valuable than accurate criticism. If you have any comments, complaints, or ideas about how we could make a better magazine or do a better job running Archive please email them to info@elective.ca. I read every message and will respond when I can. BUGS
If the app isn’t working the way you think it should be working, that’s something we want to fix. Archive is still in its early stages and we want to build the best possible experience. If you notice something buggy, think something could be made better, or you want to get involved in other ways please send an email to info@elective.ca. T H E M AG A Z I N E
Archive is a record of the moments that animate life in Vancouver.
S U B S CRI B E A T P A T RE O N . C O M /A RCHIVE M A G A Z I N E 7
I S S U E 0 7
Contents Editor’s Letter
16
Staff Picks
Stay low Brian Leung, 74.1%
12
28 Vancouver Listicle By Sam Kerr
30 Blow It Out Your Ear With Trevor Risk
32 Duly Noted By Sam Kerr
34 In Your Mouth With David Stansfield
35 Adult Colouring Book Art by Nikki P
60 Top Photographer Aaron Von Hagen
92 A Vancouver Crossword (with dick jokes)
36
People Comments by the Archive Staff
48 Places Comments by Dusty Baker
70 Things Comments by Alex Aslan
82 Tattoos Comments by the Archive Staff
Harrison Mooney and Merlin Von Duck
94 Lotto Ritual By Doug Haddow
96 Top Rated Photo of Them All
Flare Jon Cranny, 70.6%
John Bello, 64.9%
WeAreSonsAndDaughters.com
Top Photographers is a list of people ranked by the average score of their five best photos in a given month. The winner will be interviewed and given a six-page spread to showcase their best photography in the following month’s magazine. Rank
Name
Avg. Score
1
Aaron Von Hagen
8 4 . 4%
2
Roy Pat
8 4 .0%
3
Marija Bojanic
8 3 . 5%
VA N C O U V E R
ISSUE 07 photos submitted between mar. 18 – may 12, 2017 PUBLISHER
Elective Media Inc.
CTO
4
Alyssa Rugg
82 .1%
5
Isaac M Zipursky
81 . 9%
6
Pavel Boiko
80.1%
7
Claire Rozek
79. 8%
8
Silvija Crnjak
79. 5%
9
Danika Lee
79. 2%
10
John Bello
79. 2%
11
Brian Leung
77. 5%
12
Steph Hunter
76 . 4%
13
Kea Mowat
76 .0%
Allan Harding allanharding@elective.ca
EDITORS AT LARGE
Douglas Haddow Michael Mann
GRAPHIC DESIGNER
Karim Kadi
BUSINESS INQUIRIES
info@elective.ca
EIC
Samuel Kerr samuelkerr@elective.ca
COPY EDITOR
John Lucas
UBC REPRESENTATIVE
Steven Hu
COMPLAINTS
samuelkerr@elective.ca
PRINTING PARTNER
14
Biliana Panic
76 .0%
15
Kimberly Low
75 . 9%
16
Yvonne Hachkowski 75 . 8%
17
Kristy Heer
75 .7%
18
Matt Schroeter
75 . 3%
19
Michelle Sepke
75 . 3%
20
Cristina Simaika
74 .7%
Aaron Von Hagen won for the second time in a row but he’s been gracious enough to pass the torch… so Congratulations to Roy Pat on winning a spread in next month’s magazine. If we don’t get ahold of you, please email info@elective.ca
Still Creek Press
ADDRESS
280-1090 West Georgia Vancouver, BC V6E 3V7
archiveapp
www.archive.live
Developed with the participation of Creative BC and the British Columbia Arts Council
2321 MAIN STREET • WWW.FOXCABARET.COM
All Photos © Lindsay’s Diet www.lindsaysdiet.com
A TWO FLOOR VENUE + NIGHTCLUB IN THE HEART OF MOUNT PLEASANT FOXCABARET
FOXCABARET
FOXCABARET
FOXCABARET
Did you ever wonder how Medusa fell asleep? I realize that’s not the interesting part of the story but if you’re the kind of girl that can get a solid 8 hours while vipers are hissing and snapping all night, I say you get to keep your head. We chose this photo because LOOK AT THAT TATTOO.
John Bello, 75.0%
Editor’s Letter No Comment
We’re facing a bit of a conundrum. The aim of Archive Vancouver is to create a new kind of city magazine that functions like a shared cultural asset. You guys supply the photos and you vote on what gets in and then we make the magazine you told us to. The Based On a True Story section offers Vancouver’s writers a chance to contribute humorous tales of truth or fiction that are set in our city. So far it’s worked pretty well, but we’re not satisfied. We want to hand over even more control but there’s a small problem. One element of the magazine we’ve been reluctant to give over to the public is the comments. The reason should be pretty obvious: comment sections are the most toxic places on the entire internet, and the internet is a pretty bad place to begin with. So far, we’ve taken a half-pregnant approach to comments by supplying them ourselves or asking for volunteers from Vancouver. This gave us the freedom to edit every word a reader saw. Unfortunately, this structure has two major flaws: 1) The Archive staff is not very funny and the comments reflect that fact; 2) Writing the comments ourselves won’t scale when we take Archive to other cities. So here’s the conundrum. Opening up comments to the public would certainly deliver funnier and better content for the magazine, which would enrich every reader’s experience when they picked up a copy. But a public comment section in the Archive app would probably turn your phone into a digital hellscape of vitriol, racism, and trolling. If we ruin the phone experience we will ultimately ruin the magazine because we can’t make a good mag without happy users on the Archive app. We haven’t decided what to do yet, so if you have any suggestions send them to samuelkerr@archive.live. I’d love to hear them. At this point, the only guarantee I’m willing to make is a comment section on the Archive app will make use of the greatest feature ever created for social media: BLOCK USER. SAM KERR
12 Archive
STOCKISTS C H I N AT OW N El Kartel – 104 E Pender St The Tuck Shoppe – 237 Union St
G A S T OW N The Latest Scoop – 159 Water St Save On Meats – 43 W Hastings St
MAIN STREET Still Life – 2315 Main St
YA L E T OW N Small Victory – 1088 Homer St
WEST END Delany’s Coffee House – 1105 Denman St
SOUTH GRANVILLE National Standards – 3012 Granville St
— CHECK OUR WEBSITE OR INSTAGRAM FOR A COMPLETE LIST OF DISTRIBUTION LOCATIONS.
Semenuk Mack Calistan, 71.1%
HOW WE CHOSE THE COVER —
SUBSCRIBE TO ARCHIVE VA N C O U V E R $9.95 SHIPPING INCLUDED
If you like Archive, now you can support it as we started a Patreon page to run our subscription service. For $9.95 we will mail you the latest copy of Archive Vancouver as soon as it comes off the press. Shipping is included. Ten bucks may seem like a lot for a magazine but it’s pretty close to what you’d pay for a beer at the Cactus Club and it’s less than a pack of smokes. Hell, I paid $25 for nachos at Colony last week and that’s cheese melted on chips.
If you can’t afford to part ways with 10 bucks but you still want to support Archive, we will take the change in your couch. For more information check www.patreon.com/archivemagazine
THANK YOU TO OUR PATRONS We would like to personally thank all of our generous patrons. You are the coolest, smartest, toughest, and most interesting people in our city. You’re also good-looking, and humble, and probably punctual. Our patrons aren’t simply buying magazines, they’re supporting the work that makes Archive Vancouver possible. So, if you like Archive, and you aren’t part of this illustrious group, consider becoming a patron. ROY PAT JOANNA RICK ARD DENNIS FUHR KIMBERLY LOW CHRISTINE GIESBRECHT DAVE DEVISSER
SEAN O’FLAHERT Y CHRISTINE TAM MERIDETH MCINNES ROB BANKS TIMOTHY CUSTANCE CHARLIE KERR
SCOTT LYON JESSIE M. GIGUERE JOHN BELLO OWEN YIN LEANNE FUHR
ARCHIVE VANCOUVER IS MADE POSSIBLE WITH THE GENEROUS SUPPORT OF THESE LOCAL BUSINESSES. IF YOU LIKE ARCHIVE SUPPORT OUR FRIENDS.
14 Archive
Archive Staff Picks Readers of Archive tell me that they love seeing portraits in the magazine, but pictures of human faces have been highly unpopular on the app lately. To square this circle, I asked the guys to choose a portrait as their staff pick. So, enjoy these fine portraits in spite of their terrible scores.
Growing up on a farm was hard. Even as a child I worked the field. My father hardly spoke other than to tell us how lazy we were. We slaughtered animals to put food on the table and when I was 10 I became the bringer of death. I learned life was hard and unfair and sometimes short. Still, I remember the day my older brother returned from college. He had an iPhone and he showed me Twitter and then I knew, “Life truly is hell.” SAM KERR
1 6 S taff P i c ks
Stay Andrew Burgos, 67.6%
Saturday Summer Sizzler Series CELEBRATE TOGETHERNESS AND ABSTINENCE FROM WORK
ON SELECT SATURDAYS 1-7 PM
SATURDAY SATURDAY SATURDAY SATURDAY
CRAFT CIDER RARE RELEASES GROWLER FILLS
JUNE 3 JULY 15 AUGUST 12 SEPT 16
OUTDOORS AT SUNDAY CIDER 1575 VERNON DR, VANCOUVER BC SUNDAYCIDER.COM
@SUNDAYCIDER
KIDDOS ‘N DOGS WELCOME
STREET FOOD PACIFIC RHYTHM SOUND SELECTORS
Whenever I eat a calzone I think about Brent Gretzky. I mean, calzones are basically a pizza sandwich, which is a delicious idea that should probably be more popular. But nobody cares about calzones because everyone compares them to pizza which is the Wayne Gretzky of food. I’m not sure what kind of dish Glen Gretzky represents in this analogy but according to his IMDb page he’s the Hollywood producer responsible for Prom Night 2 and Waking Up Wally. Some families are just so talented. SAM KERR
In full bloom Samantha Chan, 70.6%
1 8 S taff P i c ks
Hand Crafted Cocktails & Nigiri Specials 6 POWELL ST. GASTOWN www.di6mond.com diamondgastown
thediamondgastown
gastowndiamond
When I was a boy, my father would often tell me, “Son, you’ve got to pull yourself up by the bootstraps.” But he was from a different era. Today most of us don’t even own boots, let alone boots with straps. Instead we wear sneakers or flip-flops. And we don’t have “jobs” with “pensions” anymore. Now we have “gigs” and “side-hustles”. Because of this, sometimes our feet go completely bare, which feels nice and cool when you’re doing yoga in a parking garage, but makes it rather difficult to pull yourself up because there is nothing to hold onto for leverage. So flexibility is key. DOUG HADDOW
2 0 S taff P i c ks
john bello, 71.4%
GE T R I G GE T T I G
IT H T IT H T
- PERS ON AL TRAI N IN G BY T IGHT C LU B AT HL E T IC S LET’S GE T YO U STAR T E D Mention “archive17” and save 1 0 % of f yo u r pe rso n a l t ra in in g pa cka g e . Email info@ tightclu bat hle t ics. co m to f in d o u t m o re .
@tightclub
604.620.0209
tightclubathletics.com
Life is mysterious. Did you know the cloud is just a bunch of other computers? If French fries were invented in the Netherlands, why aren’t they called Dutch fries? My grief counsellor told me she makes $90 an hour and my wife left me because I’m bad with money. Maybe if I was a grief counsellor I wouldn’t need a grief counsellor? SAM KERR
22 Archive
Model Andee from Key Megan Alanna, 66.6%
The Demarco Waterproof Overcoat
S U B S CRI B E A T P A T RE O N . C O M /A RCHIVE M A G A Z I N E 2 3 BARODRY WEAR.COM
My palms sweat whenever I watch those videos of crazy people climbing to the top of dangerous structures. It’s getting worse too. These people don’t just climb to the top anymore, now they have to hang off the building with one hand. But the worst ones are the rooftop daredevil fail compilations. I’ve seen so many people fall off buildings on the internet that YouTube started showing me ads for parachutes. SAM KERR
24 Archive
604 Samantha Chan, 64.8%
- WHY THE TUCK NOT? www.thetuckshoppe.com | 604.620.6773 | 237 Union St. Vancouver, BC
Cultural Appropriation is a hot topic these days. Seems like most people understand it’s a bad idea to black-up for a costume party or wear a First Nations headdress at Coachella, but there’s still work to be done. Some forms of cultural appropriation are so normalized that they’re hard to even notice. Take the hugely popular TV series Riverdale for example. The guy they cast to play Archie Andrews isn’t even ginger. Don’t get me wrong, KJ Apa is a fine actor but he’s Samoan and his father was the chief of their village. Does that sound ginger to you? Hell no. Archie Andrews is one of the most iconic figures in all of gingerdom and they gave the role to a hair-dying tourist who doesn’t know the first thing about life as a real ginger. I guess gingers are the redheaded stepchildren of getting roles as gingers. It won’t be long before some Hollywood reporter writes about how ‘brave’ it was for Apa to embrace the character’s ‘ridiculous orange otherness.’ Sorry, Apa, you merely adopted the ginger, I was born in it. SAM KERR
26 Archive
Susan Sun, 68.2%
Heard the good word? Rich Hope is now the sole proprietor of
The Belmont Barbershop Carrying on a 10-year tradition of quality, authenticity and community.
Walk-ins welcome, appointments recommended. Book online at belmontbarbers.ca 111 East Broadway at Main Street, Vancouver
A Vancouver Listicle By Sam Kerr
D
ear reader, I would like you to take a seat, place yourself into a comfortable position, adjust your posture, and draw in a deep breath before you feast upon this crucial text that I have laid out before your eyes. Writing the phrase “Millennials love listicles” makes me feel like the bad man touched me where my bathing suit goes. Unfortunately, I don’t choose what people like to read and if I wanted “professional integrity” I should have finished my engineering degree. So here goes, welcome to Archive Vancouver’s first-ever Top 1 Vancouver Listicle of the Month for May / June 2017. * * T RI G G ER W A R N I N G : This listicle is about suicide. It includes jokes in very bad taste. If the subject of suicide brings you trouble please read no further. Archive Vancouver does not encourage suicide and we apologize for any harm we may have caused.
Upgrades to the Burrard Street Bridge include a beautiful new suicide-prevention barrier on the pedestrian walkway. With that in mind here are Vancouver’s Top 4 Places to Kill Yourself! 4. BRUNCH
You know what’s better than brunch? Breakfast. You know what else is better than brunch? Lunch. If you like brunch there’s a 20% chance you have a drinking problem, an 80% chance the friend who invited you has a drinking problem, and if you like brunch during the week there’s a 100% chance
28 Archive
you’re unemployed. It’s the whitest meal outside of “high tea” and the food can’t decide if it’s extra gross breakfast or morning dessert. If you need a drink that badly at 10 a.m. drop a shot of whiskey into your coffee, stare at yourself in the bathroom mirror, and contemplate what a disaster your life has become. That’s what the rest of us do. Here’s the good news, a self-inflicted gun shot in a fancy Yaletown bistro would probably end brunch in Vancouver for at least a year. We promise to cover the story on our blog. 3 . S I N G L E FA M I LY D E TAC H E D H O M E I N D U N B A R
Looking back, I think my greatest athletic achievement was beating the hell out of the Dunbar baseball team in the little league city championships when I was 12. We chased two pitchers early and the game ended via the mercy rule. Tony Gallagher was Dunbar’s manager and he wore a satin jacket in the dugout like he was Joe Torre. I guess personal style is no substitute for managerial acumen. Nowadays I’d be disappointed if my baseball district didn’t beat Dunbar by four touchdowns. It’s damn near impossible to field a halfway competitive little league team when your neighbourhood is full of empty houses. I understand why real-estate investors from China don’t rent their places out to locals (I wouldn’t want dirty human feet walking around inside my TFSA) but we, as a community, should recognize that mass vacancy has negatively impacted little league baseball in Dunbar. Priorities, folks.
Anyway, the nice thing about killing yourself in a single family detached house in Dunbar is the privacy. If you choose a house that’s been built in the last five years there’s a 50/50 chance that nobody’s home. Solitude will allow peace in the final few moments of your life as you imagine an alternative existence in the American southwest where beautiful mansions with modern finishings and a swimming pool cost less than a 400-square-foot bucket in Coal Harbour.
public relations stunt to deflect criticism about the declining state of the franchise. The pessimistic viewpoint is ownership has such terrible judgment they thought Linden was actually the best person for the job. Unless we win the lottery in two years and get Jack Hughes (Lose for Hughes!) it looks like we’re a decade away from being a respectable team again. Smart move is to kill yourself now and avoid the misery of watching the next 820 games.
2 . 300 LEVEL ROGERS ARENA
You know what’s better than driving through downtown Vancouver along Burrard during rush hour? A painless death. Since you can’t throw yourself off the Burrard Street Bridge anymore (thanks to those shiny, new, beautiful suicideprevention barriers) you’ll have to get creative. Driving headon into traffic is out of the question because the maximum velocity for a car on Burrard has not exceeded 20km per hour for over a year. But there is a silver lining; the slow-moving traffic gives you plenty of time to brainstorm new and exciting ways to end it all. I think it’s only right that you use the suicide barrier against itself. Abandon your Tesla Model X in traffic and climb to the apex of the steel arch that supports the bridge and jump onto the brand new suicide barrier. (It’s made of jagged spikes, you’ll be impaled no problem!) Look, I know, it sounds difficult. Ascending the steel structure while struggling with depression won’t be easy but as my grandmother used to say, “Where there’s a suicide will, there’s a suicide way.” The interlocking steel grid is kinda like a ladder, so it’s a little bit of Spider-man to the top and the world is your ashtray. Who cares about negative equity on a one-bedroom condo when 75 virgins await?
1. THE BURRARD STREET BRIDGE
This year was especially bad for Canucks fans because management didn’t see it coming. If being terrible to get a good draft pick was the plan all along why did they sign Loui Eriksson to a six-year deal for $36 million? If you asked a random sampling of death-row dogs at the SPCA if they thought signing Loui Eriksson to a six-year deal was a good idea (one bark yes, two barks no) there’s a good chance the dogs who don’t speak English or understand hockey would have made a better decision than Jim Benning and Trevor Linden. And let’s grow up about Trevor Linden. We all love that iconic photo of him hugging Kirk McLean in the ’94 finals (which they lost) but being photogenic doesn’t qualify anyone to run a hockey team. We’re talking about a guy whose crowning business achievement is lending his name to a chain of fitness centres. It gets worse. Linden did such a bad job as president of the players union during the 2004 lockout that people openly speculated that he was torpedoing the players’ side of negotiations in bad faith while angling for a job in the league offices. That speculation turned out to be false; Linden wasn’t a double agent, he was just an incompetent negotiator. I’d be nervous letting Linden run my Jugo Juice franchise but somehow he ended up in charge of the Canucks. The most optimistic assessment is ownership hired Linden as a
Photo: English Bay sunset André Guyot, 72.9%
@ A RCHIVE A P P 2 9
Thomas Maxey, 66.6%
BLOW IT OUT YOUR EAR with Trevor Risk Local man describes everything terrible about the music business in Vancouver. 30 Archive
I
t was announced recently that Rogers Media will acquire Vancouver AM radio station CISL 650 from Newcap Inc. and turn the beloved, but waning smooth and easy station into a sports format. To those in the know, the acquisition comes as little surprise. Much like readers of TV Guide, CISL’s listenership is aging (and subsequently, dying), and apart from vintage fetishists like myself who only get AM radio in their cars, there is little interest to keep the ratings up. What’s probably most upsetting to fans of the station is that CISL feels like the only station on the dial that has proper DJs, selecting their favourite songs rather than a list handed down to them by a music director. Jack FM has the nerve to use the slogan “Playing whatever. Whenever” when there is literally no difference between Vancouver’s playlist or the Jack FM in London, England. CISL still felt like you were living in the fictional world of WKRP where Dr. Johnny Fever and Venus Flytrap were plucking their most-enjoyed vinyl and slapping them on the platters. I firmly believe Sunday afternoons in this city can be best spent by the non-beach-loving crowd listening to our city’s most legendary selector, Red Robinson, not only playing his most favourite songs, but also blessing us listeners with first-hand anecdotes about the artists. It was a deflating day for me when I found out that there is basically one person right now running CISL; handling everything from the technical side of things to the social media engagement. Apart from Tom Lucas, Robinson was often the only person who was live on CISL, and he was an open book. He spent his time yakking about his wife and his favourite songs, and was never shy to answer any emails people like me would send him, asking for more depth on his stories, or for names of songs he played that we didn’t quite catch while driving. I wonder what he’s going to get up to next. My fingers are crossed that it is not retirement. Terrestrial radio is a complete mess right now, and it doesn’t seem like anyone on the continent is taking any initiative to save it from its own demise. It’s crooked, it’s bland, and I don’t blame people for tuning out. Technology has obviously done its part in burying the relevance of the FM and AM dial. Most cars today come with a myriad of ways to play music whether it be a streaming service, or satellite radio. The broadcast has turned to a narrowcast. Why listen to a Hot 100 station or Sportsnet when, with the help of streaming or satellite services, one can listen to all Pitbull all the time (*blows own brains out*), or a channel devoted solely to the New York Giants? These are ways we choose our personality type and our identity, and we sit in it. Curators are less and less relevant. Radio DJs, like music journalists, don’t really move the needle or drive the
culture like they did in the ’70s, despite our society’s current stylistic obsession with that dark decade. Especially in this country, where we have an aversion to hiring young people for media jobs, terrestrial radio has barely made any moves to stay in touch with current trends. It was rumoured for years that the music director of the biggest station in Toronto refused to go to shows, and satisfied his quota of adds and drops for his station by removing and replacing the same hits from the ’90s every cycle (which is why you may or may not hear Temple of the Dog on that station, depending on the season). We think about the CanCon rules as an opportunity to promote young, Canadian artists, but that ideology falls apart fairly quickly once you realize that Bryan Adams (and not cool, young, disco Bryan Adams, unfortunately) was just having his back catalogue added and removed constantly, not giving any opportunity to a Canadian group on the grow. Now, a young artist trying to make it on the radio basically has no shot at it anyway. To get on the radio, you need a lobbyist. Music directors only listen to hired lobbyists regarding who to add to the rotation. The reason is: a large chunk of that money goes to benefits for the directors. Why would you add a song by a young artist that you believe in, when a Canadian major label is sending a stooge to buy you $500 dinners and take you to Raptors games? It’s not legally payola, but everyone knows what’s up. Even more off-putting are the radio tours that the major label artists have to go on. Every artist you have listened to on the dial over the last quarter century at least, has had to go into the station, play an acoustic set for the station employees (often demeaningly at lunch as just background music in the cafeteria) until the music directors have decided those artists have done a good enough job playing ball, and gives them a spot play or a medium rotation add. What I’ve always found confusing about this is that a live performance really has nothing to do with a recording that is meant to be enjoyed by listeners. The lunchtime show is just to glad-hand the station employees. I’m told that the only thing music directors concern themselves with is “Is this song recognizable enough that listeners will not change the station and lose us advertising money?” So there’s your free-market capitalism, love it or hate it, steering your art (if you still consider music an artistic medium). When I found out about this mildly unsettling protocol regarding radio play I placed a phone call to a trusted colleague in Los Angeles. As I told him what I had learned he laughed deep from his belly and said “Oh, son. I am going to spare you what it’s like in America, then. I don’t think you’d be able to take it,” and I didn’t probe him any further because I was quite sure that he was right about that.
@ A RCHIVE A P P 3 1
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TR U E S TO RY
Our readers submit stories about their lives and we publish them. A story should be between 1200 and 1500 words, set in Vancouver, and based on real events. If interested, email a draft of your story to info@elective.ca. We are hiring writers for other elements of the magazine too. If you’d like to write for Archive, True Stories is a good way to introduce us to your writing.
Duly Noted By Sam Kerr
Thomas Maxey, 73.7% 32 Archive
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n my sixteenth birthday I played Dungeons & Dragons for 56 consecutive hours. Sleep deprivation, owlbears, and mimic monsters disguised as treasure chests were the only sources of stress in my life. Now, I lie to my wife and young children about needing to take a shit so I can hide in the bathroom alone for 10 minutes. I don’t even look at my phone, I just curl up on the floor in the fetal position. That’s my time. If I could go back in time and tell my 16-year-old self one thing it would be to never have sex with anyone. Being a teenage virgin is way, way better than trying to navigate a family and a mortgage in Vancouver in 2017. I hate my job with every cell in my brain but I go to work everyday because I’ve got kids to support. Teenage virgins, on the other hand, can skip class whenever they damn well please. Time spent skipping class with my friends in high school was not time wasted. My friend Barry lived two blocks from our school and both of his parents worked full time so the house was always empty. Twice a week we’d punt class, go to Barry’s, and play Dungeons & Dragons. It was a mentalhealth break. Barry didn’t even need to be there; we knew where they hid the key and his mum kept the fridge full. Barry’s pad aside, the best part about skipping class was that we always got away with it. Most teachers were too overworked to scrutinize their students’ spotty attendance so long as a doctor’s note was provided the following day. And notes were easy to come by because there were plenty of Chinese girls with expert penmanship who would fake a note for 10 bucks. By my eye, Cindy Kwan did a better job of my mother’s signature than my mum did. On a spring day in grade 12, I was in Biology class with Barry and my friend Ben. We needed fake notes. We had skipped block E the previous day and Biology was block D so time was of the essence. I slid a tenner to Cindy Kwan and Old Reliable wrote me a dentist’s appointment. Barry and Ben went to their respective counterfeiters and procured legitimate-sounding excuses of their own. It was just that easy. We brought our notes back to our desks, laughed, and then Barry went to the bathroom—which was a mistake. Barry’s note, written on lined paper and folded in thirds, was sitting on his desk. Ben grabbed the note, crumpled it into a paper ball, and threw it in the garbage. Then he removed a new piece of lined paper from his book bag and wrote a different note. Then he folded it into thirds and placed it on Barry’s desk. When Barry returned from the bathroom we played it cool. I made small talk about the Canucks. Ben
complimented Barry’s performance as Dungeon Master in a recent campaign. A conversation about the armour class of elven mages emerged. The clock ticked onwards and the note remained on Barry’s desk, unmolested, until finally the class was over. We walked down the hall to Math 12, taught by Mrs. Brownrigg, a vindictive menopausal tyrant who thought rap music represented society’s decaying moral core. The three of us strolled into the classroom, dropped our notes on Brownrigg’s desk and took our seats in the row beside the window. The bell rang signalling class had begun. Mrs. Brownrigg entered the classroom and sternly instructed the students to be quiet. She frowned. Scanning the room with a glance, she did roll call and then she collected the small, disorderly stack of notes from her desk and began to read. Moments later a scowl twisted across her face. Lifting her eyes from the note, Mr. Brownrigg said, “Barrington, what on earth is this?” “Excuse me?” “Is this your idea of a sick joke? Because I don’t find it funny at all.” “Uh, I don’t understand,” said Barry. “Who wrote this?” “My mother.” “I don’t think so Barrington,” she said. “Tell me the truth, who wrote it?” Unaware that his fake note had been rewritten, Barry decided to double down on the lie. “My mother wrote it, you have my word.” “Do you even know what this says?” “Of course I do.” Mrs. Brownrigg exhaled a huff. “Okay smart guy, tell me what the note says.” By this point, Barry was sweating like a fat girl at a disco. He mumbled for a moment before saying, “It says that I was home sick with migraines. I get migraines sometimes.” Mrs. Brownrigg shook her head, glanced down at the note, and read it aloud to the class. To whom it may concern, Please excuse Barrington’s absence from school on April 17th. He spent the day at home, engaging in a vigorous mutual masturbation session with his brother Craig. Sincerely, Barrington’s Mum
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with David Stansfield
Here’s a fun fact: John Harvey Kellogg invented Corn Flakes to supress masturbation. He thought clean eating could stifle the urge for self-pollution, which is no fun at all. Health and fun are often at odds. You pay for one with the other. People call Vancouver No Fun City. It seems harsh, but they may be right. Vancouver reveres health. In Vancouver, exercise is fun and fun is exercise. We are the Gwyneth Paltrow of fun. Goop City. Beautiful, but bland. It makes sense then that Goop is setting up in Nordstrom for a summer pop-up. According to the Georgia Straight, “the Goop team has curated nut milk makers,” among other things. Fun! From the air, Vancouver earns its reputation as one of the most attractive cities in the world. Its natural beauty stuns. On the ground, however, it’s missing something. Our glass walls lack holes. Toronto, on the other hand, is riddled with them. It’s pockmarked with fun places to eat and drink. It is an ugly city, and more fun because of it. Toronto is cheap ice cream to Vancouver’s fancy yogurt. The good Doctor Kellogg was a big fan of yogurt by the way. In fact, he enjoyed daily yogurt enemas. So much for self-pollution. I think it’s fair to say that the dude had a thing for breakfast. Jameson Irish Whiskey $6.50/1oz or $9.75/2oz at the Narrow Vancouver does have some good drinking holes. The Narrow is one. It’s a dark place. Every time I pass under their red light I end up waking up on a couch, like a dead man revived, surprised, desperate for my keys, phone, wallet, memories.
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David began his wine career as a teenage cellar hand 20 years ago. Today, he works as an independent sommelier and is a co-host of the popular Sunday School wine school. When not ruminating on the grape, his interests include spy novels, escape rooms, contact juggling, Slovenian design, and beer.
To be honest, I never remember what happens at the Narrow, but I’m sure it’s good, clean fun. Pelmeni Poutine Dumplings $10 at Hey, Dumplings! I’ve got an idea for a book. It’s called Get Stuffed: Stuffed Foods of the World. Samosas, Jamaican patties, pierogis, potstickers, pizza pops: the best. Every culture has one. But what constitutes stuffed? Is a pita stuffed, or a turkey? I say no, no they are not. I demand sealed edges. Burritos are out. Chimichangas in. There’s a woman in Chinatown making pelmeni (Russia’s stuffed food) in the pop-up where the Pie Shoppe used to be. Like most pop-ups, I’ve not been, but I love the idea. Laughing Buddha $11/gram at various dispensaries My hippie neighbor likes strong weed. I’m less sure. Unless we’re going to a movie. Then I want to get super blitzed and sit in the dark laughing at Vin Diesel while mashing handfuls of popcorn into my mouth area. Weed is fun. That’s nice to remember in the rush to make marijuana medicine. Smoking dope makes a lot of sick people better. It does the same for movies. A strong Sativa like Laughing Buddha works well. It’s potent enough for two-plus hours of The Rock with no paranoia so you can handle the whole ticket, lobby, snack counter situation. Just remember to practice your snack order before getting high (one Kids Combo with a Coke and a cup for water, please) to avoid the ire of an unimpressed teenager in a visor and polo who just knows, man.
R ADULT COLOURING BOOK “To The Victor Go The Spoils”
Art by Nikki P @Bonercandy69 on Instagram
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PEOPLE
3 6 P e opl e
Commenter of the Month
Each month, we choose people from Vancouver to supply the comments that accompany the photos in the magazine. If you would like to be the commenter, check the questionnaire on page 6 and send your answers to info@elective.ca.
A R C H I V E S TA F F
Merrill Elizabeth 54.6%
When you work on a publishing schedule you find out that people are unreliable. This month, the professionally funny person we asked to supply the commentary for the People section didn’t show up to work. So that responsibility fell onto the Archive staff. We apologize in advance.
: Shorts and loafers with no socks, but also a turtleneck and a trenchcoat. I think we can all agree that this is the optimal outfit for spring weather in Vancouver. Unfortunately, I’m not cool enough to pull it off.
Patterns - Mex Diego Lozano, 76.8%
Time & Space John Bello, 85.6%
: This woman seems very relaxed for someone who just fell down a flight of stairs. She might be less relaxed if she knew a drone was taking her picture.
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Rebel without a cause Matt Schroeter, 71.8% 3 8 P e opl e
Riun Garner, 74.1%
: Sure, this woman has so much swag that she can barely keep her coat on but, make no mistake, the star of this photo is the Ovaltine Cafe. Real heads know TOC, which was featured in the greatest X-FIles episode of all time: “Jose Chung’s From Outer Space.” Fox Mulder eats so much pie that it feels like you’re watching Twin Peaks.
: Wait, does this mean the one strap overall thing has come back into fashion? That’s awesome. I can’t wait for middle-part bowl cuts, Kangol hats, and Tommy Hilfiger jackets to make their triumphant return. I’ve got a closet full of the goods and a head of hair begging for frosted tips.
Business call Jon Cranny, 71.6%
Photo by: Alysha Falk Claire Rozek, 79.2%
Good Grief Kyla Hawkins, 71.8%
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Garden of Eden Samantha Chan, 72.7%
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Freedom of movement Pavel Boiko, 75.0%
John Bello, 85.2%
Susan Sun, 76.0% : The girls from The Shining have grown up into fine young women, but the guy in the middle seems to be all puff and no pass.
Into the woods we go Kyla Hawkins, 72.7%
: This is the third magazine in a row featuring an image of a woman standing in a tree. Are girls-in-trees some millennial thing that I don’t know about like dabbing shatter? I’m old and change scares me.
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John Bello, 78.8%
Eyes Diego Lozano, 74.6%
: I’m still lukewarm on tulips. They bloom in amazing colours that make for incredible photos but it only lasts a few days and then they wilt into a gross mess. I also had the misfortune of trying to drive to Chiliwack when the Abbotsford Tulip Festival was happening and the highway was a parking lot for at least two hours. Then there’s my pollen allergy. And I’m scared of bees. Who am I kidding, I hate tulips.
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Welcome to the jungle Matt Schroeter, 75.7%
tulips of the valley Marija Bojanić, 74.4%
Emmie Pavel Boiko, 73.4%
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Odd Ones Danielle Costelo, 70.7%
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Double ex Dave Dee, 71.0%
In a circle of thought Isaac M Zipursky, 72.8%
Spring Cristina Simaika, 77.1% Outsider Cristina Simaika, 79.8%
: “Curious,” she said, glancing judgmentally out the window at the photo in the bottom left corner. “Those women have absolutely no idea how to use a towel.”
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1 Luc Frst, 74.2% 2 Britney wears Freddie Temple Livio Maynard, 75.3% 3 Float On Aaron Von Hagen, 71.7%
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4 Nomad Luc Frst, 72.6% 5 A Cold and Blustery Day Aaron Von Hagen, 76.8% 6 Angel Dave Dee, 80.3% 7 Overlays Claire Rozek, 80.0% 8 Sabine wearing Sam Stringer Megan Alanna, 74.5% 9 Gabriella Diego Lozano, 72.2% 10 A valley of flowers Isaac M Zipursky, 83.7% 11 Claire Rozek, 71.3% 12 The Jump Ben Williams, 83.8% 13 Photo by: Larrissa Tompkins Claire Rozek, 72.0%
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P L AC E S 4 8 P e opl e
Each month, we choose people from Vancouver to supply the comments that accompany the photos in the magazine. If you would like to be the commenter, check the questionnaire on page 6 and send your answers to info@elective.ca.
Commenter of the Month
DUSTY BAKER Dusty is best known for taking part in the world’s first ever high five on October 2nd 1977. Baker is also the pseudonym of a software engineer who works in Gastown and would like to remain anonymous.
Dusty: Look, leave Jack Johnson alone already. How do you expect him to write another masterpiece about brushfire flip-flops, bubblegum sunsets, and banana pancakes if you keep distracting him like a fanboy? Sexy-plexy grapefruit genius lyrics don’t write themselves. They take time like turquoise dreams.
when the sun goes down Marija Bojanić, 82.9%
Dreamland Caley Jane, 80.6%
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Yummy Sunset Danika Lee, 80.4%
Pacific sunsets Steph Hunter, 82.6%
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Wander around Mars Barrie Underhill, 80.4%
Why I love Vancouver Isaac M Zipursky, 80.7%
Sunrise at the Port of Vancouver Roy Pat, 87.3%
Alyssa Rugg, 83.8%
Dusty: I complain about Vancouver a lot. It rained for like 40 days straight this winter and the housing market is a cruel joke and half the population is pretentious jerks and the hockey team is cursed and so on and so on. But when I see a photo of these tankers and Siwash rock set in front of that cotton-candy sunset, I realize trying to convince people that Vancouver sucks is like being a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.
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happy earth day Marija Bojanić, 83.3%
nothing gold can stay Marija Bojanić, 83.7%
Dusty: Looking back on my childhood I have to wonder if those Paul Bunyan cartoons were corporate propaganda financed by some evil timber conglomerate. I mean, logging was part of the Bunyan folklore that predates the children’s cartoons of the ’80s but certain episodes have never sat right with me. I mean, doesn’t anyone else think it was weird that Babe the blue ox was always ranting about evil trade unionists?
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Wild horses on the Salkantay Trek to Machu Picchu - Peru Roy Pat, 80.1% Alyssa Rugg, 84.8%
Lost in Moss Jungle Rachel Tseng, 79.8%
Alyssa Rugg, 80.7%
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Sunsets in Stanley Park Aaron Von Hagen, 84.6%
Happy Earth Day! Aaron Von Hagen, 87.5%
Lake O’Hara Lights Aaron Von Hagen, 79.7%
Pouring milk on the fire Aaron Von Hagen, 84.9%
Moon over Vancouver Aaron Von Hagen, 82.2% S U B S CRI B E A T P A T RE O N . C O M /A RCHIVE M A G A Z I N E 5 5
Touring in the sundog Andy Traslin, 81.2%
Dusty: People yap about the rising cost of property in Vancouver but to be honest, I’d rather own a dog house in this town than some lavish ice castle that $100 grand will buy you in Churchill, Manitoba. The cold is really only good for two things: preserving Walt Disney’s racist corpse and teaching humility to a precocious child.
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Aurora in the Yukon Roy Pat, 84.0%
Up & up Danika Lee, 84.9%
Alyssa Rugg, 79.7%
The most beautiful things are often abandoned. Alexandra Bridge. Bon Bahar, 81.6%
Alyssa Rugg, 81.6% S U B S CRI B E A T P A T RE O N . C O M /A RCHIVE M A G A Z I N E 5 7
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5 1 Hawaii Kristy Heer, 81.2% 2 The Chief Roy Pat, 80.7% 3 Shack Island. Aaron Von Hagen, 80.7% 4 Huacachina - Peru Roy Pat, 85.2% 5 Multnomah Falls - Oregon ROy Pat, 81.2% 6 Sailing in a ocean of mountains and colours Tommaso Lizzi, 81.0% 7 Woman’s best friend Edward Witwicki, 80.8% 8 Sea to Summit ROy Pat, 82.4% 9 coming through satellites while cruising Marija Bojanić, 84.7% 10 Claire Rozek, 81.6% 11 Mount Baker Aaron Von Hagen, 82.8% 12 Sunset Kristy Heer, 81.1% 13 under the pier Marija Bojanić, 82.9% 14 Morning float Yvonne Hachkowski, 81.5%
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Top Photographer Top Photographer is a ranking based on the average score of a person’s best five photos in a given issue. The winner will be awarded this section of the magazine to do with as they please. Last issue’s winner was Aaron Von Hagen.
AARON VON HAGEN
W H O A RE YOU AND W HAT D O YOU D O W HE N YO U AREN’T TA KI N G P I C T U R ES?
I’m a Northerner at heart, born and raised in Yellowknife. I have been calling Vancouver home for over 12 years now. When I’m not taking pictures, I’m probably thinking about taking pictures, editing pictures, or working on furthering my photography business. I also work in the film industry, which can keep me pretty busy as well. I’m always planning a trip or adventure of some sort. This is all assuming I’ve had my daily caffeine intake, of course! W H AT K I N D O F C A M E R A D O YO U U S E ? C A N YO U G I V E U S A T I P O N H OW T O TA K E A G R E AT P H O TO?
I’m a Canon guy, and shoot with a 5D Mark III. I was given a Rebel XTi when I graduated film school, and started buying lenses for it, so at that point, I wasn’t really going to be making a switch to a different system. That being said, why would I want to?! ;)
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@avhphoto @avhportraits
One tip I can give fellow photographers is to stop taking pictures. So many times people roll up to a scene and the cameras are out with eyes in the viewfinder before they even know what they’re looking at. Stop doing that. Take a minute. Look around. Whatever you think you’re seeing pales in comparison to what’s waiting for you if you just take the time to look around. When you’ve got the shot, put the camera away and exist in the space you’re in. Life isn’t lived through a viewfinder. W H O I S YO U R FAVO U R I T E L O C A L P H O TO G R A P H E R A N D W H Y ?
My favourite local photographer is a guy named Bun Lee. I love his night sky work. I actually “met” him a couple years back up at Lake O’Hara, but didn’t clue in until I saw his photos taken during the same time frame that it was the same person! D’oh!
When you go to the beach, and the camera doesn’t fit in your shoe, a tide pool will have to do.
T H E U S E O F CO L O U R I N YO U R P H O T O G R A P H Y IS DISTINCT (I ’ VE NOTICE D A LOT OF PURPLE N I G H T S K I E S L AT E LY ) . H OW D O YO U T H I N K A B O U T CO L O U R W H E N TA K I N G A P H O TO?
I’ve always been a fan of colour. There is something about colour that speaks to me, and I think that it is a reflection of my personality. When I look at images I’ve taken, sometimes I will exaggerate the colours in certain edits. However, I usually try to keep them natural, as that is how I can be taken back to a moment and still feel it. W H AT D O YO U L OV E A B O U T VA N CO U V E R ?
It’s a good hub for getting out and exploring, whether by land, sea, or air. The coffee and food situation isn’t too shabby, either.
W H AT D O YO U H AT E A B O U T VA N CO U V E R ?
How long it can take to leave Vancouver. I F YO U CO U L D C H A N G E O N E T H I N G A B O U T A R C H I V E , W H AT WO U L D I T B E ?
I think the captions need some serious work. I’m sorry, but 97% of the time, they aren’t remotely funny or clever. Most are rude and obnoxious for the sake of being so. Images of women are sexualized, giving more insight to the commenter’s thoughts when they’re alone than the image being presented. Beautiful landscapes are ruined with tales of sexual bravado that no one cares about save the commenter wanting to assure readers that they MAY have gotten laid before. This magazine doesn’t need to be crude. It has far more potential than that.
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(Above) I’ve always been an early bird. Being able to create art in a beautiful location, with beautiful light and subjects, makes it all worthwhile. (with Dane Halo) (Right) My friend Kathryn Anne braved the cold waters of Jones Lake one night to help me capture an image of a true Celestial Goddess.
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(Above) I love shooting star trails, and the fact that it is possible to shoot them in the city makes for some interesting photographs. (Top Left) Out of all the places I’ve been, nothing beats an African sunset. Taken in the Wolwedans region of Namibia. (bottom Left) I was in Namibia when “The Force Awakens” came out. I carried around two toy lightsabers and a blaster for an entire month to recreate my version of Tattooine/Jakku. Yes, the blade was made in Photoshop.
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I set up for a star trail, and within twenty minutes the clouds rolled in. “Make hay,” as they say…true Celestial Goddess.
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A clear night in Scotland, a country not known for its cloudless skies, rendered some amazing images of the Milky Way at the Old Man of Storr.
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(Above) One of my “oldest” photos in that I took it over six years ago, and despite the HDR-influence of that era, I still love this image a lot. (Left) A member of the 27-large Agashya mountain gorilla family in the mountains of Rwanda.
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7 0 T h i ngs
Reaching new heights Pavel Boiko, 83.3%
THINGS
Each month, we choose people from Vancouver to supply the comments that accompany the photos in the magazine. If you would like to be the commenter, check the questionnaire on page 6 and send your answers to info@elective.ca.
Commenters of the Month
ALEX ASLAN I have perfect brows; the rest of me is just garnish. @aslanamoli
Alex: Probably one of the most photographed things in Vancouver, amazing how finding the right perspective make it seems fresh all over again. East Van Man Silvija Crnjak, 84.2%
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Just reflecting on things Isaac M Zipursky, 84.8% Alex: Guaranteed the conversation preceding this photo was: “Bruh, Imma jump that, take a snap for IG” “Gotta get those likes fam” #WOW
Silhouettes Silvija Crnjak, 76.3%
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Snowmageddon on Hasselblad Dave Dee, 76.1%
we build too many walls and not enough bridges Isaac M Zipursky, 82.1%
Mornings Yvonne Hachkowski, 80.7%
Minimal Nick Ignatev, 72.3%
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Alex: As I drink I slowly begin to lose my sight and hearing, I slowly become Helen Keller as the night goes on, basically.
Cheers Caley Jane, 74.6%
Corner Mimi Asabea, 76.4%
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Heads Up Kimberly Low, 73.6%
What’s in your cup Ria McKenzie, 79.4%
Unknown Gurpreet Khalsa, 76.7% Alex: This photo is hauntingly beautiful, but all I can think about is how much my cleaning lady would hate me if I asked her to clean it.
Bloom where you are planted Claire rozek, 79.4%
Creating our on stages Pavel Boiko, 81.1%
Alex: The only times I’ve stared deep into a cup of coffee is when life was at its absolute worst. I found solace in the reflection as it shows the sky, reminding me that things can only go up from here.
Alex: This plant has likely had every form of human excrement on it, yet it grows.
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Love Birds Alysha Jackson, 75.4%
Vintage Alex Elms, 72.3%
In focus Silvija Crnjak, 72.3%
Lit Mariam Aamir, 84.2%
Alex: Now that these two are online they can chat..... I’m practicing my dad jokes, okay?
Alex: I’ve never done drugs, but this is what I imagine a really good trip would be like.
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Butterfly Mariam Aamir, 71.9%
spring has sprungeth Kimberley Station, 71.7%
Love Cristina Simaika, 72.9% 7 8     T h i ngs
Hands full of stars Claire Rozek, 73.6%
Spring Cristina Simaika, 74.2%
Sakura Tree Marc de Montreuil, 75.7%
Alex: The cat must be thinking “That did not go according to plan.”
When a cat rolls around in blue chalk Claire Rozek, 78.0%
Alex: In the spring the whole city of Van explodes with cherry blossoms; it’s beautiful. These photos fail miserably at capturing that, but how bout dat focus.
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1 Showdown Aaron Von Hagen, 75.7% 2 Knowledge
Tim Guido, 74.6%
3 Michelle Sepke, 72.7% 4 Jen Pickle, 72.1% 5 A gentleman Silvija Crnjak, 75.0% 6 Sky trees
Jack Kwiatkowski, 72.7%
7 Spinning Out Biliana Panic, 75.5% 8 The W Silvija Crnjak, 73.7% 9 Ben Williams, 78.0% 10 Steamy Morning Amberlee Pang, 74.5% 11 Grow Ria McKenzie, 72.5%
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TAT T O O S
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Monthly
By Aaron Anthony (The Circle London) Megan Kwan, 64.6%
Dani girl Kyla Hawkins, 64.3%
: This issue we asked people to send pictures of the best and worst ink in Vancouver. Typically we like to add irreverent, childish, or cynical comments to the magazine because it enhances the reader’s experience with the photos. Pictures are pretty, jokes are funny, what’s not to like? This section, however, will be a little different. Under no circumstances will I be making jokes about anyone’s tattoos because the last time I was in a knife fight I lost an eye and I don’t intend on losing the other one. So enjoy some jokes about things other than tattoos! One exception, all Maple Leaf tattoos are booty-whack. Shame on 18-year-old you.
Monthly is a category that changes every issue. It could be cats, the beach, your lunch, or concert photos. Its purpose is to make every issue feel different. Last month’s category was tattoos. We chose this topic to celebrate the best and worst of ink in Vancouver. To be honest, we were impressed. Every tattoo in the magazine is better than the best ones my stupid brother has. Next issue’s theme is The Great Outdoors. Summer is almost here and people in Vancouver are itching to explore the lakes, rivers, trails, and campgrounds over our beautiful province. Please, someone, take a picture of a bear. Bears are hilarious.
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Kate Fehr DAVE DEE, 66.6% Biliana Panic, 60.7%
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DM Mimi Asabea, 61.9%
Jungle Fever SAMANTHA CHAN, 75.8%
: Anybody else wish we could see the target of this guy’s side-eye? I mean, that’s a majorly derisive look. It’s not exactly anger, more like disappointment as if he were some papa bear realtor watching a neophyte put the number 4 in the listing price for a condo.
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muse Hannes Merwe, 69.3%
Tattoo Too Aaron Von Hagen, 67.6%
Jacqueline Samantha Chan, 69.5%
John Bello, 61.7%
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Shadows by Katie Bowen Tenzin Rainey, 72.5%
Mystery by Katie Bowen Photography Tenzin Rainey, 73.8%
The wolf Dragana Nikolic, 63.4% 8 8 T attoos
Midnight Mystery  Samantha Chan, 59.8%
: Man, I love the Midnight Oysterz! I mean, their second album was a disappointment but their first one? Masterpiece. Me and Todd used to stay up all night rocking that first album, playing Tony Hawk and drinking Wildcat Strong in his parent’s basement. I’m writing this from prison.
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John Bello, 68.0%
John Bello, 61.7%
: The revolving restaurant always made me uncomfortable. I’m not sure why but I think it goes back to the first time I ever went there. My father was a drinker in those days and it was causing him trouble at work. The stress caused by his professional trouble inspired him to drink even more. Vicious cycle. My father was very, very drunk on that fated day when we arrived at the revolving restaurant. As soon as we entered the dining room a waiter noticed my dad was drunk so he offered him a glass of water. My father interpreted the offer as an insult and the situation escalated into a dispute. People started shouting and punches started flying. It was all very embarrassing but I guess it was for the best because my father never liked working at the revolving restaurant anyway. Moral of the story is don’t get drunk on bring your kids to work day.
SASSY Dave Dee, 59.8%
Tight Sean Dimitrie, 61.5%
Sophie on 35mm Danielle Costelo, 71.2%
S U B S CRI B E A T P A T RE O N . C O M /A RCHIVE M A G A Z I N E 9 1
A VANCOUVER CROSSWORD
WITH DICK JOKES
Puzzle by Harrison Mooney. Edited by Merlin Von Duck.
ACROSS 1
The Vancouver Sun, e.g. to bloggers (abbr.) 4 Haircut for Taxi Driver’s Travis Bickle 10 Surrounded by 14 One ___ time 15 “Chain of Fools” singer Franklin 16 Third Reich propagandist Riefenstahl 17 Nickname for [circled letters], because of its lax approach to drug use 19 Educ. courses for aspiring teachers 20 One way to walk through the tulips 21 Game where you might be it 23 Actor McKellen 24 Regards, as Mr. T would a fool 25 Smartass 27 Joint puff and owl sound 28 Nickname for [circled letters], because of its lame nightlife 29 Bach’s “Mass ___ Minor” 30 Make God sad 31 Boob 32 Nickname for [circled letters], used by early Chinese immigrants 38 Fair-hiring abbr. 39 “Cat ___ Hot Tin Roof” 40 “In what way?” 42 Nickname for [circled letters], because everyone smokes pot 46 Material for Elvis’s shoes 48 How ice hockey and roller derby are played 49 Household pet for weirdos 50 To the ___ degree 51 “___ Favourites” (Tragically Hip album) 52 Jericho Beach footwear 53 Raised platform 55 Nickname for [circled letters], due to its wet weather 58 Grand Ole ___ 59 “Rouge ___” (Ottawa football team, to Alouettes fans) 60 Suffix with south, west, or southwest 61 Ryan Miller minds them 62 Teeth, in Portgual 63 Edward Snowden’s former employer
LAST MONTH’S ANSWERS
DOWN 1 2 3 4 5
Steve Nash was one in Dallas, for short Waterfront and Burrard, for two Street between Columbia and Ontario Unshiny finishes Cookies that come in a “Double Stuf” variety 6 Not there 7 Score ___ (reach the end zone) 8 “Suppose...” 9 Book full of fun sex ideas 10 Swiss peak 11 Famed Florentine family name 12 To some extent 13 Owner of Star Wars, Marvel and ESPN 18 Expel, as a sunflower seed at Nat Bailey Stadium 22 Photo finish? 24 The Flyers, on scoreboards 25 Soup dumplings in Richmond 26 When Romeo meets Juliet 28 Actress Vardalos of “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”
30 Got way too hot 33 Medical prefix that means “white”, often paired with the suffix “emia” 34 “Easy for you ___!” 35 West ___ (Neighbourhood near Stanley Park) 36 Poe poem in which the title creature raps upon a chamber door 37 Alpine singers who prefer an echo effect 41 Turned on, maybe 42 City whose Olympic logo looked like Lisa Simpson performing a sex act 43 Prerecorded 44 Bang-On product 45 Fill with bubbles 46 Gentlemen of Mexico 47 Language of Pakistan 49 Prima ___ (at first glance) 52 You might beat it out of someone 54 The “S” in CBS (abbr.) 56 Days, Holiday or Comfort 57 Genetic material
Pacific pastels Steph Hunter, 76.3%
SALLY ELVIS WONG PROFESSIONAL REAL ESTATE AGENT • 職業地產代理人 Investment Property Yoda • 投資地產界的“尤達大師”
BUY A HOUSE. Just do it. You’ll get rich. Do you know somebody who owns a house? They’re rich. You’re not. Houses only go up in price. You’re stupid, that’s why you don’t have a house. Buy a house. Kyle Bass of Hayman Capital says Chinese deleveraging is under way. Fake news. Who the hell is Kyle Bass what does deleveraging even mean? I know what ‘buy a house’ means. It means you’re smart and rich and women will love you. Buy a house. Moody’s downgraded the Canadian banks citing fears of problematic levels of consumer debt. Fake news. Moody’s is fake news. Debt is fake news. Risk in the housing market is fake news. Buy a house. You’ll be rich. In fact, it’s the only way to get rich. Jobs are fake news. Houses are jobs. Buy a house and go on vacation. Prices never go down. Home Capital Group, Canada’s largest non bank mortgage lender has seen HISA deposits go from 2 billion to 130 million in a month. Buy a house. Home Capital’s share price is down 70% in 6 weeks. Buy a house. Canadian lending standards will tighten and interest rates can’t go lower. Buy a house. People have confused debt with equity and mistaken leverage for genius. Buy a house. Buy a house. Buy a fucking house. 买房子。去做就对了。你会变得富有你知道拥有房子的人吗？他们 很富有你不是。房子只涨价。你很愚蠢，这就是为什么你没有房子。 买房子。 Hayman Capital的Kyle Bass表示，中国的去杠杆化正在进行之 中。假消息谁是地狱是凯尔·贝斯什么是去杠杆化甚至意味着什么？ 我知道“买房子”是什么意思。这意味着你聪明和富有，女人会爱上 你。买房子。 由于担心消费者债务有问题的水平，穆迪降级了加拿大银行。假消 息穆迪是假的消息。债务是假消息。住房市场的风险是假消息。买 房子。你会富有的事实上，这是赚钱的唯一途径。工作是假的消息。 房子是工作。买房子，去度假。价格永远不会下降。 Home Capital Group是加拿大最大的非银行抵押贷款人，HISA 存款在一个月内从20亿增加到1.3亿。买房子。家庭资本的股价在6 周内下跌了70％。买房子。加拿大的贷款标准将会收紧，利率不能降 低。买房子。人们将债务与公平混淆，误导了天才的杠杆。买房子。 买房子。买一个他妈的房子
PEEBUS GROUP S U B S CRI B E A T P A T RE O N . C O M /A RCHIVE M A G A Z I N E 9 3
Realty Associates
At the fair Silvija Crnjak, 67.5%
Lotto Ritual By Douglas Haddow
N
o matter how augmented our reality becomes or how deeply we sink into the sensory deprivation tank of digital self-obsession, the sacred remains a powerful social force in our modern world. In ritual and ceremony, we project symbolic meaning onto otherwise muted objects and focus our collective moral emotion towards common cause. Through these acts, some big, some small, some improvised, some rote, we seek to express our connection to a higher power. Being a robustly multicultural city, many forms of the sacred are on display in Vancouver throughout the calendar year, be your calendar Gregorian, lunar, solar, Chinese, or some such other culture-bound rendering of the inherently abstract notion of “time”. You can see it in the shuffling feet of Russian Orthodox Christians who take part in the plodding and ornate Easter processions of Strathcona. Or Fraserview’s Vaisakhi parades that burst forth with colour, food, and drink in celebration of the Sikh New Year. You can even hear it in the hushed shamanic breathwork ceremonies of Kitsilano, where aspiring soccer yogis slow the pace of inhalation to a tempo that reveals the hidden dongles to the private elevator that is our essential nature. I was not born into a multicultural family, nor raised in a religious tradition, but I too have my own ritual, through which I attempt to hold concert with something greater than myself: Once a week I go to a convenience store and buy a Lotto Max ticket.
94 Archive
Mine is a small act of piety to the gods of fate, that for an outside observer, may seem pointless, shallow, or misguided. Perhaps even pathetically idiotic. Or idiotically pathetic. But for myself and the thousands of Vancouverites who also make this weekly sacrament, it is not merely about the possibility of winning whatever trivial amount of millions is being promised on a given week, but a vehicle for reflection and a vessel of contemplation. It is a meditative lens with which you can view the world through your future self—your ideal self—your millionaire self. A self that need not worry about a dental plan, exorbitant parking fees, or the minor credit repercussions of a daily door dash habit. It is a self that is free from the cold, hard, biological limitations that have dogged humanity from cave to condominium. Central to the ritual is a journey: one that spans from the moment you receive that little rectangle of Bisphenol A-coated paper to the end point when the inscribed numbers are announced. Finite in nature but infinite in possibilities, this journey allows you to see the world not as it is, but how it could be. Neigh, how it should be. I took notes on my most recent journey in an effort to better communicate the nuances of my experience to those who might be apprehensive or skeptical about the spiritual nature of Lotto Max. My most recent journey began at around 5 p.m. on the edge of Gastown, ending a few hours not far from the Prospect Point lighthouse. Ticket in hand, the light of the world begins to bend towards the mind’s eye of your future self, allowing you to become intimately connected to places, objects, and ideas that were once alienating. As much as it is an opportunity for self-discovery, the journey also offers a chance at healing. Upon exiting Fleet Street convenience, I was immediately relieved of the anxieties inherent to living in the world’s most unaffordable city. Prior annoyances and perceived injustices melted away into a fine, perfumed mist of potential. I had planned to get a Teen Burger, but I pushed past the Waterfront Station A&W and headed further west. Soon I happened upon the Fairmont Pacific Rim Hotel. Which on another day would feel obtrusive, a reinforced concrete symbol of neoliberalism, flaunted wealth, and predatory real estate capital. But with my mind’s eye slightly ajar, it coaxed and invited me to enter its gilded womb. On the second floor I discovered the Botanist, a restaurant whose price would have terrorized my former
self, but whose terroirs I now found tantalizing. Their tagline spoke to me with the lyricism of a Sufi poet: “Step inside Botanist, a world where day blurs into night, summer into winter, and food and drink are plenty” From a distance I peered at the plates of the patrons, which seemed to feature small patches of moss adorned with even smaller patches of food. Through the power of my mind’s eye I saw past the limitations of my ego, and began to understand that cuisine need not be limited to only that which is edible. Hints of celeriac mixed with Champagne and marble, provoking my senses in ways I thought were only reserved for those that suffered from synesthesia. A staff member asked if I wanted a seat, which I met with a sly grin and intent gaze that said “Not today friend, but perchance tomorrow!” Exiting the Pacific Rim with the exuberance of a Nepalese mountaineer, I watched as Yellow Cabs and electric blue MacLures swarmed in and out of the drop-off area, beating to the rhythm of capital that made all of this possible. From chaos I saw order and reflected to myself: “Yes, unions are fine, of course, but they have simply been outmoded by innovation and are now structurally inefficient… why the fuck doesn’t Vancouver have Über yet? The will of the market will not be denied.” With 90 minutes left before my fate would be decided, I continued on, towards Vancouver’s cathedral of cedar, hemlock, fir, and spruce: Stanley Park. As the sun began to dim, my mind’s eye continued to dilate and expand. The $30 million Lotto Max payout was no longer enough. No, I’d need to invest in a tech start-up and flip it for a massive payout, my millions would become hundreds of millions, maybe even billions. Then I’d have a real chance at true livability. Liquid livability. A vaporous quality of life that was no longer beholden to space and time. Soon, I found myself lost in the park’s knotted heart. “Billions are all well and good,” I thought aloud, “but my enemies will surely have their knives out for the sharpening well before then.” My empire would have to expand in all directions: biotech, heavy industry, rare earth mining, perhaps even defense contracting. “The sun never sets on Haddow Industries,” I chuckled to myself, eyeballing the forest with suspicion. With a few minutes left before the draw, I came upon a small pond, and spotted myself in its mudded reflection. “There will be casualties, no doubt, it’s simply unavoidable. And this will make a fine plot for their shallow graves.” My reverie was interrupted with a ding. It was the BCLC Lotto App. No millions this time, but I did win a free ticket. The cycle was complete.
@ A RCHIVE A P P 9 5
Top Rated Photo of Them All — Up above Brian Leung, 88.6% 96 Archive
Archive: This astonishing thing about this photograph is the timing. He must have set up his camera and just waited to hear the sound of the engines as flightpath took the plane right over that building. Or that’s what I believe anyway because if he just whipped his camera up and framed this plane as it passed overhead then Brian should work for the NSA.
Riun Garner, 69.2%
S U B S CRI B E A T P A T RE O N . C O M /A RCHIVE M A G A Z I N E 9 7
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98 Archive
Neon foods Benjammin Painter, 68.6%