Volume 10 / Issue 38 / 2013
mind&spirit Why Children Misbehave
make a difference Like Father. Like Son Purposeful Parenting
body&soul Time Management for Kids
love&money Develop Your Child’s Gifts Living on a Budget— a Family Affair
just asking My in-laws are spoiling our children
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Editor’s Page From My Heart
To Start a Relationship with Christ
Dear Readers, When I was about to give birth, I was excited but anxious about birth pains. I would discover later that giving birth was the easiest part of motherhood; the birth pain was nothing compared to the enormous task of raising children. It is so hard to help them grow into happy, healthy, and responsible human beings.
Admit you have sinned. “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Romans 3:23
Believe in Jesus. “For God so loved the world that
He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish; but have eternal life.” John 3:16b
This quarter’s issue is about building our children’s character. I believe that as parents, we can help our children to develop a good moral character and a healthy lifestyle. We can teach them to handle success and stand strong against any obstacles that come along the way.
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onfess and leave your sin behind. Stop sinning. “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just, and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9
Motherhood can be challenging but we can partner with God in this endeavor. We can ask Him to help us walk this path. The reward is great when we finally see our children equipped for the future and living their dreams.
To continue growing in your relationship with Christ, fellowship with other believers, read the Bible and pray!
Evelyn Damian, Editor
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Thank you for your financial help! • UEC- General Santos City • Greater Heights Christian Worship Center • Marilyn Quinton - Palawan
MOMS EDITORIAL STAFF Chief Editor Kimberly Snider Editor, MOMS Evelyn Damian Editor, MIP Alvin Tud Distribution Johnson Li Cover & Layout Patrick Tan
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Photo by Johnson Li
Photo by Don David MOMS Editorial Staff (L-R): Johnson, Evelyn, Kim & Patrick
MOMS/MIP Creative Team 2013: Top row (L-R): Peter, Nathan, Rone, Jeanne, Alena, Mary Grace. Second row: Gem, Revo, AM, Jesse, Grace. Not in the picture: Hazel, Kendrick, Zaldy
Published quarterly by Asia Pacific Media Ministries Unit 2608 Raffles Corporate Center, Emerald Avenue, Ortigas Center, 1605 Pasig City, Philippines Telephone: 914-9767 E-mail: moms@apmedia.org Reproduction of photos and articles is prohibited without permission.
Mind & Spirit
Why Children Misbehave by Grace Felizardo
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nderstanding why children misbehave and responding appropriately can save you a great deal of heartaches and headaches. A child’s misbehavior may be caused by their unmet needs, their uniqueness, or your disciplining style. Many times, a child’s misbehavior relates to their emotions. Similar to physical needs, our emotional needs are God-given. The emotional needs that are crucial for parents to focus on are: a child’s need to be loved and to belong; their need to be forgiven and accepted; and their need to feel competent and significant. It’s difficult to love, accept, and respect our children if we didn’t experience love and acceptance ourselves when we were growing up. To some degree, my parents did supply my emotional needs when I was growing up, and later in life, God brought me sets of friends who made me feel that I belonged and that I was significant. I was reparented in a sense. Because of this, I can meet the needs of my children with less failure and fumbling than my parents met mine. I grew up in a home where my siblings and I were scolded and spanked when we skinned our knees playing. I, however, have learned to calm my children down while attending to their wounds. I
“God designed parents to be the ones who primarily meet the emotional needs of their children.”
find that respectful communication is a key to getting through to them. I know that skinned knees are not forms of misbehaviour that call for punishment. I also accept the fact that children are still physically uncoordinated. These incidents can become opportunities where the kids feel loved and accepted. Two years ago, I enrolled my 8-year old son, who has learning disabilities, in SPED. But because I wanted to check and see whether my son could cope with the work and pressure of the regular class, the school gave in to my request to let my son sit in their regular class. After a month, he wanted to quit school. I naively thought he was just lazy and naughty. My son, in his frustration, must have felt incompetent. Finally, I admitted to myself that my son has genuine limitations and has his own time frame for learning. When I moved him back to SPED, he slowly gained self-confidence and felt acceptance. Last school year, he finished second grade in a regular school. God designed parents to be the ones who primarily meet the emotional needs of their children. In my observation, it is when children’s hearts are empty that they act in ways we label “misbehavior.” Before reprimanding or spanking my kids to correct their behavior, I purposefully think about whether
their emotional needs are being met. If my children do purposefully misbehave, I reprimand them and discipline them if I have to. All the while, I try to remember that my children are still immature; that they are unique persons, not exactly like me so I try not to impose; and lastly, that they have sinful natures like adults. I remind myself to forgive them as I am lavishly forgiven. I once saw a friend’s child throw a tantrum because he wanted a new toy. She obliged and bought it just to pacify him. Sometimes, it is easier to give in than to have the patience to discipline. However, when we give in to tantrums, our children will continue to use them to get their own way with us. Children learn whatever behavior is rewarded, whether it is positive or negative behavior. Furthermore, children stop misbehaving when they experience painful consequences. If my friend had refused to buy her son the toy, he would have learned that throwing tantrums will not get him anywhere. Children stop behavior that has unpleasant natural consequences. For instance, my toddler learned to listen and obey when he insisted on touching a hot pan after I had warned him not to. For misbehaviours that are without built-in painful consequences, appropriate logical consequences may help us teach our children to listen. For example, my tweener, who exceeded her allotted computer time use, was not allowed to use the computer for a while. Misbehavior is not always what it seems to be. It may just be the result of possible unmet needs, or of our children displaying their own personalities. It may be the result of our discipline style. But, if their needs are met and our discipline is carefully thought out, a child’s misbehavior should be lovingly and appropriately corrected.
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Make a Difference Like Father Like Son by Jun Balanon as told to Evelyn Damian
Jun Balanon has worked as a production engineer for Asia Pacific Media Ministries for 23 years. His officemates like to confide in him and seek his advice. He is soft spoken, patient and treats people with respect. Next month, he and his family will be taking up an exciting new ministry assignment in Hong Kong.
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y son is now a teenager. Some friends told me this is a difficult stage and they had problems with their teenage children. I sometimes worry that I will also experience some hardships with my son. When I was growing up, we lived on the school campus where my parents worked and taught. We were not rich. Other people who lived on campus, and all the students knew who we were, and somehow we were expected to set a good example. I am the eldest of four children. Although we were very young at that time, my parents talked to us like adults. They gave us responsibilities in the house. I had a special role as kuya to my siblings but each of us had to do household chores. My father was the ultimate authority in our home. Every night at 7 o’clock, until I was in high school, my father gathered our whole family and led devotions. During this time we shared our prayer requests and plans and prayed about them. Growing up, my siblings and I made a lot of mistakes and we were reprimanded, but my parents didn’t raise their voice when they scolded us.
“As I matured, I adopted the ways of my parents. This lifestyle guided me in my choices in life.”
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Jun with his wife and children.
I remember when I was six years old, I saw my father fixing the lawn mower. As I approached him, he warned me, “Don’t touch anything here,” but I did. I burnt my hand and learned my lesson. One time, I saw a lighted cigarette thrown on the sidewalk. I was curious and I wanted to know why people liked to smoke. I picked it up and tried a puff. It made me cough, and I threw the cigarette away, still wondering why people spent money for stuff like that. One of the scariest moments I experienced growing up was when someone offered my father a job abroad. I still can’t forget how fearful I was when he considered the offer and we started praying about it. It wasn’t easy for my parents to send the four of us to school. If my father would work overseas, it would mean security, a good education and material things. But, still I prayed against it. I didn’t want my father to go overseas and be separated from us. I was worried until my father finally decided that he wouldn’t leave us. I was relieved and thankful. For me, it meant dad thought his family was
more important than material things. We continued to depend on God for our resources. I tried to follow my parents’ example and treat other people with respect. As I matured, I adopted the ways of my parents. This lifestyle guided me in my choices in life. When I went to college, I chose my barkada carefully. I hung out with people that didn’t pressure me to do what I didn’t like to do. I treated girls with respect and stayed away from temptation. I strove to finish my studies and got a job right after graduation so I could help my parents. Later, my siblings also finished their studies and took jobs. Now, I have been married for more than 17 years. I have a teenage son and a 6-year old daughter. Whenever I wonder whether my son will bring me troubles, I carefully reflect on how my wife and I have been trying to model a lifestyle that would be one that our children will want to copy. With prayer and God’s help, I know that there’s hope for my son to make the right choices.
Make a Difference Purposeful Parenting Interview with Calm Mijares by A.M. Bernal-Dela Rosa
No matter what textbook knowledge or college degree you have, molding the character of a child will still teach you new lessons in motherhood. Calm Mijares is a B.S. Psychology graduate and the Human Resource Manager at the Asia Pacific Nazarene Theological Seminary. She shares the challenges of raising her three children ages 12, 9 and 7.
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ell us a little about your background.
I grew up in a very democratic family. There were 9 children in our family, but our parents tried their best to bring us up as unique individuals. They gave us education and positive experiences. They gave us confidence to speak our minds, to express our feelings, and to challenge authorities when we felt they were wrong. Every time one of us committed a mistake, my mother would say, “You have to report to your father what happened.” Then we held family meetings. If it was really our fault, we needed to say “sorry” for what we had done. Then my parents would ask, “What did you learn from the experience?” We also celebrated any joyful event. Since we were financially challenged, we delighted in small things like a piece of candy, new clothes or positive experiences. This is what I’m trying to duplicate, now that I’m a mother.
We practice delayed gratification which means we ask our children to wait and save until they are able to purchase what they want. They need to know what they need versus what they want. We buy them the things they need such as, food, clothes, water, school supplies, and vitamins but we buy the things they want on special occasions or for certain reasons: for example, as their reward for getting good grades in school.
How did your psychology background help you prepare for parenting? It helped somewhat but, as I tell Jay when we encounter difficulty with the children, “I didn’t learn this from school.” Our three kids are very different from each other, so we have no concrete pattern of child-rearing for all of them. We just ask for God’s guidance in taking care of them every day. How do you handle different personalities? We don’t encourage them to imitate each other. We make them believe that they are beautifully different, and we try to enhance their abilities. We try to understand their different tastes, likes and dislikes, and how they interpret things, process experiences and understand concepts. We help them develop and focus on what they do well. What are other factors that affect children’s development? Their environment. In our case, we see to it that the environment is very safe and exciting, challenging and educational, whether we are at home or outside. We are very intentional when going out. We ask ourselves, what will the kids learn from this place, or will they enjoy new experiences there? What do you do when your children ask you to buy them things? Our family is trained to buy things purposefully. If the children want something, we always tell them they have two options: save from their daily food allowance, or wait for special occasions.
Calm with her husband, Jay and their children.
How important is it to model what you say? We must walk our talk. Pag bawal sa isa, bawal sa lahat. No one is exempt, not even parents. When we tell the kids not to eat chips before meals, we all follow the rule. If we tell them they shouldn’t eat chocolate, I must resist eating chocolate as well. Discipline for us is a way of life. We practice the discipline of not wasting anything, whether it is food or resources. Whoever is the last to use the washroom should check the faucet and turn off the lights. Whatever we use, we should put back to where we got it. We discipline ourselves in the right way of doing things. How do you discipline the kids when they do something wrong? They need to apologize. If they did not intend to hurt anyone, we ask them to say “sorry” and explain what happened. We do this because we want them to always be conscious that everything they do has consequences and they are responsible for it. But we don’t punish them if they did not intentionally do wrong. If they deliberately hurt someone, disobey, lie or ignore the sibling’s or the parent’s call for help, we deprive them of TV, ban them Continued on p. 6
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Body & Soul
Time Management for Kids by Hazel Angela B. Javier
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ime is gold is an old saying which tells how precious time is. It is so dear that we need to ably manage it. In this fast-paced world, everyone needs to learn the value of time – even the children. Child development theorist Jean Piaget says that normally, children at ages 8-11 can be taught to schedule their time. One suggestion on how to do this is to ask your children to write down the activities they have inside any 24-hour period so they can better visualize time.
Sample list for teens.
planners and calendars so they themselves can put important dates and tasks for the day and the weeks ahead. Sample list for elementary kids.
Starting age 12, kids can learn the task of prioritization. Here, it is essential that kids know their personal values. This is especially true because the generation of today is probably the most distracted - thus, the most prone to either “drop-everything-and-leave” or get burned out trying to accomplish everything. The main challenge of teaching time management to teens is making them appreciate that every day counts. The Bible in Psalm 39:4 recounts, “LORD, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered--how fleeting my life is.” Give them
Self-discipline plays a crucial part in how kids learn time management. For some, good-old techniques of positive or negative reinforcement may work. Example – parents say: “If you stick to 1-hour Facebook time, then I’ll give you a reward...” (positive reinforcement). Parents should guide but not nag. Psalm 90:12, Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom should be the prayer we teach ourselves and our kids. We are better able to teach time management when we model it ourselves. If our children can see that we as adults are capable of balancing our daily activities, then they will be convinced of its importance for them as well.
Purposeful Parenting, continued.
from playing computer games, make them stand in the corner or make them keep quiet. When we parents have done something to hurt a child, we also say “sorry” and we ask forgiveness. Now that they have matured a bit, we are teaching them the concept of forgiveness. When they say “sorry,” our usual response is “I forgive you.” But we also teach them that if they forgive the other person, they need to forget what he or she has done. We reprimand them if they bring up the matter after the other one has said “sorry. “ What do you hope will be the long-term effects of the way you are raising your children? We hope and actively pray that when they grow up, they will all be the persons that God created them to be. We don’t own them; they are God’s gifts to us. We know when the time comes, our children will have their own tasks to undertake. We are just instruments in molding their character and growth. That’s why, although they are still in their formative years, we respect them and consider their opinion. Even if our children are still young, they have their own voice and can make certain decisions. For example, we vote as a family. When one of them speaks, we listen because their words are important. We respect them even at a young age, because we believe that now is their time. They are smart and skillful, and we are giving them room to improve and develop.
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Love & Money
Develop Your Child’s Gifts
Living on a Budget— a Family Affair
by Alena Palad
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s her daughter hit the high note to end her song, the audience gave the little girl a standing ovation. That moment was priceless for my friend as she recalled all the time that she invested in her daughter’s training. My friend fully understands her role in building a good future for her children according to God’s direction in Proverbs 22:6. This scripture says, “Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it.” God designs each person differently, so children have different gifts and skills. If you support and encourage your children to develop their gifts, they will have the confidence to pursue their chosen profession when they grow old. My niece enjoys dancing, singing and acting. By observing carefully, I have learned what she loves to do the most – acting. My nephew, on the other hand, was confused about what he wanted to do. Ideas came later when a friend invited him to play basketball. Input from other people enables a child to grow and see a clear direction for their future. Knowing what your children want is a good start, but in order for them to develop their skills, parents need to provide the things they need like books, materials, and training. Children also need affirmation as they make progress with their training, encouragement to persevere even when they make mistakes and a little push when they are discouraged. It is best to enroll them in schools or workshops that specialize in their particular gifting but if you cannot afford it, explore other resources. For example, find relatives or friends who can give training to your children in exchange for services you can offer them. My friend traded math tutoring for her son’s guitar lessons. Learning maybe important but children also need a balanced schedule which includes rest and recreation. All work and no fun results in boredom, and slow progress in their training. It may take some time until my friend’s daughter fully develops her skills but my friend knows that she is doing her best to give her daughter a successful future.
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by Jeanne Ching
ising prices and limited resources force most people to live on a budget. To do this, we need the support of the whole family. Therefore, early in life, we need to teach our children how to handle finances. The following are some important teaching points: • Teach children how to prioritize expenses. When we give them money to spend, we should help our kids be aware that there is a limit to what they can spend. For example, their daily school allowance might include their meal, school supplies and a little extra. Therefore they need to prioritize their expenses. • Clarify the difference between needs and wants. Yes, we need to eat, we need to buy stuffs. Yet, we don’t need to eat in a five star restaurant daily or buy a branded bag just because friends have them. • Be creative. Instead of buying ready-made stuff, try to make your own toys and mix homemade coolers. This will be a fun project for you to do with your child and furnish some bonding time as well. • Teach comparison shopping. My nephew went shopping with me. He wanted to buy some things in a store where the prices were a lot more expensive. I asked him to check out the items and inquire about the price, then, I told him to hold the purchase. Next, we went to another store and bought the items, where the prices are much cheaper. That day, he learned how to compare quality and prices. • Learn to save. As children, we used to have kiddy savings accounts. We were also provided with piggy banks. It was quite satisfying to learn how much we have saved at the end of the week. What we had saved also served as an emergency fund when an unforeseen need arose. Or, sometimes we saved for something more fun like a new gadget. • Live by example. Children learn from what we do rather than what we say. If we save and budget, they will too!
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Q A
I’m trying to discipline my children but my in-laws are spoiling them. I want to talk to them about this but I don’t want to hurt their feelings because we are living in their house and they are also helping us financially.
Disciplining your children is a very important responsibility given to parents by God. Discipline helps mold our children’s behavior and contribute to their maturity. Your in-laws may spoil your kids by unknowingly contradicting the rules of behavior you have set for them. They can overindulge your kids with gifts and material things or reward them for wrong behavior. This will send mixed signals and confuse your children. If your in-laws (grandparents, uncles or aunts) are spoiling your children, you must be courageous and talk sensibly with them for your children’s sake. Of course you appreciate your inlaws’ help and they have a right to be involved in your children’s life but they must understand that they are undermining your authority when they spoil your kids. 1.
Talk to them about the situation. Do this prayerfully, calmly and objectively.
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Enlist your in-laws’ help so they can affirm your authority in the sight of your children. Ask them to work with you with the best interest of the children in mind.
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Appreciate them for being part of a team with a common goal in mind… loving your kids and seeing them grow up to be the kind of people God wants them to be!
Kalinga: Effective Child Raising In this video, a young couple strives to bring up their children according to their own values while struggling with the expectations and traditions of older generations. Discover biblical principles for raising kids and coping with relatives. The guest counselors are the parents of seven children and they have been pastors for many years. They share practical advice and personal experiences. Learn how to be the best parents you can be! This video is available in Usapang Pamilya DVD 3-in-1 Collection Volume 5. House of Praise (Panay, Megamall, St. Francis, SM North Edsa, Robinsons Galleria, Virramall, OMF-Boni) Website: www. usapangpamilya.com, E-mail: distribution@apmedia.org, Like us on Facebook: www.facebook.com/sarisarimedia
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