November2022 CopyrightLavenderPhoenix&AllIndividual Contributors ThiszineislicensedunderAttribution NoDerivatives4.0.Youmaycopy,share,and reproducethiszineinitsentiretywithproper atribution,aslongasitisnotremixedor transformed. 1
tableofcontents 2 NurielCahigas............................................................................Cover 10/22/22WorkshopBrainstormingJamboard............3 MyselfILoveyou,FinnKaoruLaubscher...........................4 ALilGhost,NurielCahigas...........................................................5 Catharsis,Anonymous...................................................................7 ADifficultPastwithaSmallResilientBud,Hsin-Yi...8 WhispersofPrayer,orLetterthatWillNeverReach MuyOlderSelf,Kiwi...........................................................................9 LettertoMyYoungSelf,Tary.....................................................11 DearbabyGAD,AmayaWooding.........................................12 Mind's-EyeSelfPortraits,Alder..............................................13 Letter,JenicaRoseGarcia..........................................................14 Persistence,Yzabel..........................................................................15 10/22/22WorkshopBrainstormingJamboard...........16 AsILayDying(OrAlternatively,anOdetoCatFur) afterAdrienneMareeBrown,RenL[i]u..............................17 LettertoMyPresent/FutureSelf,Tary................................21 AColorfulandDelightfulSpringfromtheFuture, Hsin-Yi.......................................................................................................22 Pagtanda,AmayaWooding.....................................................23 Giftfrommeto2,Tary..................................................................24 AndWhatifWeAreNew?,AmayaWooding................25 Entanglement,Alder......................................................................26 The5-4-3-2-1SensoryGroundingTechnique AdaptedfortheTransAPICommunity, MadisonTang......................................................................................27 10/22/22WorkshopPoembyAnonymous....................29 ClosingCover,FinnKaoruLaubscher...............................30
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Tothefriendlyghostthathauntsmypast, Iknowwhoyouare,seetheremnantsofyou inmyface Daybyday.Weekbyweek. EverydayIseelessofyouandmoreofme. Icutmyhair.Wearanewpiece.Singanew song,neverskippingabeat. AndeverydayIamgettingclosertoyour dreamsofme. Tothefriendlyghostthathauntsmypast, Imsorryittookusthislongtobehere.Alive, well,andhappy. Tothefriendlyghostthathauntsmypast, Itsuredoeswarmmyhearttoknow Thatevenwiththistyphoonwithinme Youstillcontinuetobe.Carriedmethrough thewavesofhardshipthroughashipmadeof love. Iknowthattimefixeduswiththescarsofthen asyoubleed Withdepictionsofdepressionseeping throughfromtheseams. Alilghost bynurielcahigas 5
I know the pain you felt, saw the faked smiles plastered on a face you never thought was reallyyours.Imgladtotellyou~itisnowours. Tothefriendlyghostofthepast, I see you even though I know you couldn't evenfathomseeingme. Tothefriendlyghostofthepast, Irememberitall.ThoughIknowyou'dratherI not. I let you haunt me for much too long, and at somepoint,Imustletyougo. We are no longer the same, dear friendly ghostofthepast. Iwillletyougo, Iwillletyougo, Iwillletyougo, gohappilyinmymemories. Irememberyoujustasyoudreamtofme. I will remember you happily, the little person thatmademe.
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contentwarning:suicide iwonderwhereyou’llbe,andif yourbodywillstillbe thisenigmathatnotevenyoucandecrypt,with thecurvesthatseduceyou, hipsthatneverquitefit intothemen’sjeansyouwear, andhairinallthewrongplaces forawoman. strandedinthesidealley offtheboulevardofbinaries, theonlythingthatmakessenseis toexistnowhere. intenyears, willyoustilldreamofthisnonsensical, nonexistentplace? notofvisiting,butofbecoming nowhere. willyoustillbekiwi?iwonderhowmanytimesyouwill buryyourselffourfeetundergroundsothattheymight decomposeintotheearth,sothatyoumightnothaveto lookthemintheeyeswhenyoupeeratyourselfinthe mirror.iwonderifyou’llchooseanothernameonceyou starttofeelunderstood,closetoothers,loved.you’ve neverbeenafastrunneryougoof,andyou’refooling yourselfifyouthinkyou’refastenoughtooutrunthelittle girlwithinyou(althoughshe whispersofprayer,orletterthatwill neverreachmyolderself 11.6.22 bykiwi 9
wasn’tafastrunner,either,atleastnotcomparedtoher skinny,whitefriends).yourefertoherasmydeadname, butshe’sstillverymuchalive,andapartofyou.don’ttry tokillher(again)becauseonedayyoumightevenstop yearningto. iwonderifyourheartwilleverjumpoutofyourchestlikeit usedtowhenpeoplemisgenderyou.thatviolentlurch nowhasdiminishedtoadullthrob,notbecauseitdoesn’t hurtanymore,butbecauseidon’thavethecourageto standupformyself.it’seasiertopretendlikeidon’tcare. besides,there’snotheyortheminnoman’sland;it’sjust somesoggy,brownsoilcaressingatransbody. intenyears iwonderifyou’llbeinlove. notwiththeloveofyourlife, butinlovewithlife. liketheglimmersigetnow walkingdownnoriega,dancingalittle, giddyaboutnothingbutsimplybeing alive nexttotheocean.thebluesky abovemyheadsovast, itmakestheworldfeelinfinite, justliketheabilitytolove. asthewaterinhales, ipray. thatshemightsweepmeup inarhythmicdrowning thatshemightfillmylungs withherlove. takeme,ithinki’mfinallyready. andsheknows exactlywhattodo. 10
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DearbabyGAD
ByAmayaWooding
allyouryearslurch-heavinglemonricolabile into trash cans and you never thought the throat-swell like morning sickness? of course youdidn’t,sweetsummeregg,youwerenine and couldn’t speak-see the name of your own womanhood now sometimes you want to revisit the pre-prozac days, to recall the chew-touch-feel of vague and veiled knowing when you could do-woman as forgettablyasglassesonaface:visionraised to twenty-twenty, omnipresent and unimpeded
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Whatdoesitmeantocarrymyancestorswithme everywhereIgo?TorecognizethatIamthecreation ofhundredsofthousandsandeonsofancestors? Whatdoesitmean/lookliketodeconstructourlinear viewoftime?Sothatthepastisongoingandthe futureisalreadyever present? Howdoesthatallowmetoexpandmydefinition ofwhomyancestorsare?thoseyoungerthanme, mypeers,allintegralpartsofmylineage HowcanIliveinrelationshiptotheearth,in reciprocity,thatsheisalsowithinthatwebof ancestors? How can I, in recognizing that my communities are my ancestors—and I their descendant—also understandmyselftohavedescendants? Whatwoulditlookliketomovethroughlifein viewingmyselfasanancestor? ioftenthinkofmyselfoneyearfromtodayasmy ancestor(i.e.fliptherude“oneyearago,today” snapchatreminders Myselfoneyearfromnowasanancestorwho knowsfarmorethanIdo,andIastheir descendant Anddoesn’tthatdeconstructthislinearityoftimewe havegrownsodeeplyaccustomedto Oneinwhichancestorsexistinthefutureand descendantsalsoexistinthepast Whatdoesitmeanformycaretodeterminemy ancestryratherthanmyancestrytodetermine mycare? originaljournalentry asIlaydying**(oralternatively,anode tocatfur)afteradriennemareebrown byRenL[i]u 17
this is a poem about the ancestry that has informed the ways that I care that in turn has given me ancestorseverywhere,andaroadmapforfindingthem tounderstandthatcareandancestryareintertwined AsIlaydying Makesuretounravelthelintroller andreturnallofthecatfurbackto myblackclothing itiswhereitbelongs stubbornandunmovable thousandsofpersistentremindersofthe warmthofa smallandpowerfulheartlayingnext tomine beatingharderthanadrumline butonlyifyouareallowedclose enoughtohearit sothateveninthecoldmonths whenmyphysicalstatehasfinally caughtuptoeachmusingof “I’mdeceased”or “mentally,I’mSixFeetUnderground” iwillhavethesetinyremindersburied withme thesetinyreminders coaxedintomybeing bythehandthathasBroughtmy Existence nearlyallofitswarmth mygrandmotherstrokescatswiththesame gentle,divinehands shehasusedtoholdme andhowcouldeachstrandof 18
sheddedfur beanuisance whenitisthemosttangible giftandreminder ofmy
howcouldIholdontomygrandmotherwithout
andhergrandmother andallofthegrandmotherswho haveexistedbeforeher theirlineagesintertwinedlike kindergarteners’fingerswrappedaroundarope theirlittlebighandslinkedtogether toformthosestringsoftwinethatconnectus thisropeishallcarrywithme itsinvisibletwine passingthroughmygrandma’sfingers coaxedontomybodyasstrandsoffur yes,theseareforeverremindersofhowI, too,haveheld mydarlings closeandunwavering clingingtothethoughtsofthem For days, years, evencenturies afterfirstimpressions lettingtheimagesoflovedones seepandembed intomybeing gettingstuckintoeventhedarkest 19
姥姥’smagic andofcourse,
alsobringingwithmemygrandmother’sgrandmother
cornersofmyclosets Andmaybethatiswhycatfursticksmostto blackclothing sothateveninthemostintenseshadowsandshades thosewhohaveformedme clingonunwaveringly and“you’restuckwithme”is nolongerjustmetaphor Itisonlycatfurthathasmanagedtogeteverywhere alldimensionsofmybeing fillingeverynookandcranny especiallytheones Ihavespentsolongkeepinghiddenmy ancestryshowsupilluminating wisdomandmeaning ineventhemostmarginalofspaces dandelionsfromcracks ofconcrete blossoming andradiatingout Icarrythiscatfur mygrandma andallofthegrandmasbeforeher allmyancestrywithmeinto intothelivesIlive andthelovesthatcontinuemine andmydarling,howIwouldbesohonored ifaseedlingofmybeing somehownestleditselfinto the foldsofyourbrain forevenjustamillisecond 20
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Pagtanda
ByAmayaWooding
Wedidit,wehavegrownold.Notthefalseoldofthirtyfive, but Grandma Fa old, raisin-wrinkled, jowls coaxed by gravity. Our face is so canyoned it falls under topography over dermatology. Gout, aches, and skin tags are middle fingers to our naysayers, the sideeffects of existence; mammograms and white coated prostatepokesthemaintenanceofsurvival.
We still have succulents in constellations of pots sewn throughout the yard. We are just as stubborn, juicy, colorfulwhenstressed.Whatturnsuscolors?Weareas oldasourlolawhenshesaidshewouldn’tmindleaving life in her garden, surrounded by her flowers. Who are your flowers? Who has gone before us? Where are their bones?Wherewillyougiveyourselftotheearthandsky?
Wesometimesforgetwearetransuntilweneedtorefill our estrogen. It is simply a thing we do, not a box built around us. We go to the store and find hormones in an aislenexttotheallergy medicine,overthecounter.How great have grown without walls? How far have we run withoutgates?
We have pursued desire again and again. We had second puberty for our sex-gender, second and third childhood for our languages. What cycles do we now spiral and change? We have earned our lovers again andagain.Whodowecalllove?HowdoweknowitAre wesurprised?
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Footnotelongerthanthepoem: Have you noticed how we rush to the past to justify our present? Have you seen how such a method can come at the cost of ignoring or devaluing the amazing and novel ways we have available touswithinourmoment?Whatisthepresentbutthefuture of the past? What is magic but technology beyond comprehension?Thispoemisaboutfacingtheyouthofour methods and saying, yes, we may be old, but also we are new, and what of it? Newness is a result of creativity, of adaptation, of the dynamics of survival. “God is change,” Octavia Butler says through Lauren Olamina. And we are notfossils.Newnessisasignoflife.Letusascend.
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UsetheFiveSensestoGroundYourselfinthePresent Momentwithin(Queer,Anti-Colonial)Time&Space 5.SEE:Acknowledge&honorfivecolorsthatyoucan see around you. Acknowledge that all of these hues arepartofaspectrumoflight.Considerthatyouare partofthissamespectrumoflight,sprungforthfrom energy with the simple goal of Being. Honor how each color holds its own self under and within the light, and how it refracts and glimmers and blends andexpands;rememberthatyoucandothis,too. 4. TOUCH: Acknowledge & honor four surfaces that you can touch around you. Examples: Touch the fabricofyourfavoriteitemofclothingandhonorthe threadsorfibersthatbindittogether.Holdyourown hand.Caressyourowncheek.Benddownandtouch the earth, including any plants on it, with your full palm.Touchthebarkofthenearesttree.Touchyour foreheadtothenearestwall.Touchthechairyouare sitting on. Touch an object or being of meaning to you. This is your ecosystem; you are a part of it. You can have a loving attachment to land, plants, animals, objects, surfaces, matter—because you exist in relation to this ecosystem, including in relationtoyourself. The5-4-3-2-1SensoryGrounding TechniqueAdaptedfortheTransAPI Community byMadisonTang 27
2. SMELL: Acknowledge & honor two things around you that you can smell: one that reminds you of the sacred power of your transness and one that allows you to breathe in with it the warmth and strength of your ancestors. Focus on the sources of the scents. Examples: natural body odors, fragrances, textiles and furniture, foods and drinks, skincare products, oils,incense,sustainableandethicalsmokecleanses ofaromaticplants 1.TASTE:Acknowledge&honoronethingaroundyou thatyoucantaste.Takeamomenttoholdgratitude forthefood,itscomponents,itscreation,andthesoil and sunlight and human touch that nurtured the foodfromitsoriginalformtoitsformonyourtongue. After you cherish its taste, prepare the same bite of food for a loved one and witness how the food, deliveredbyyourhand,nourishesthem. 28
3. HEAR: Acknowledge & honor songs you can hear around you. Focus on separating the ambient sounds of your environment until you can hear the songsofthingslike:echoesofvoices,leavescrinkling in unison with wind, insects chirping, water dripping, flags rippling, machines near and far humming, human footsteps nearby or above you, your own clothing rustling with slight movement. Then, hum one long, sustained note to yourself, and honor your own voice. Take breaks/breaths if needed, then continue to hum until you have heard your voice in yourbodyandyourmind.
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acknowledgements 2022OurTimelessExistenceZineWorkshopParticipants Wewouldtoextendwarmthandendlessappreciationto everyonewhoattendedtheOurTimelessExistenceZine Workshop! Thankyouforopeningupandsharingyourexperiences asTQAPIpeople,holdingcompassionforyourpast selves,andimaginingtheinfinitepossibilitiesforour collectivefuture. 2022CommCommZineTeam BismaFarzansyed,JenicaRoseGarcia,KaylieChen, MichelleWang,BeckLiao SpecialThanksto YuanWang,CommComm WorkshopClosedCaptioners:Phibi,Tary,Mei,Yzabel WorkshopRadicalWelcomers:Amaya,Amulya,Nuriel, Peck,Al
THANKYOU!
