ISSUE 67, 2019
• Organ Transplant • Stigma in the South Asian Community • OCD: A Linguist’s Perspective • The North Yorkshire Moors Railway
MAGAZINE FOR WELLBEING
Equilibrium Patron Dr Liz Miller Mind Champion, 2008.
Image: Pixabay/ Free-photos
What Equilibrium means to me‌. WEB ALERTS If you know anyone who would like to be on our mailing list to get the magazine four times a year (no spam!), please email: equilibriumteam@hotmail. co.uk (www.haringey.gov.uk/ equilibrium).
Equilibrium is devised, created and produced by . students with experience of the mental health system.
Photo copyright remains with all individual artists and Equilibrium. All rights reserved, 2011.
I enjoyed writing a short article for the mental health magazine Equilibrium based on my personal experience of having a mental illness for the last 20 years. The office environment and people were all friendly and gave support on tap, especially when you got stuck for ideas or needed technical help using the computer. The other contributors present all shared a mental health history, so gelled well together, and we were made to feel very welcome. Norman I found Equilibrium at a crucial point, where I found an open door to try a new healing form of writing and expression. Honest, happy, healthy. One thing I have to say, I go at my own pace and learn little lessons on computers, in art and writing, communicating, and ultimately a chance to get some self-confidence and self-esteem back after being belittled and degraded and abused. I found the open light of Equilibrium at the end of a dark tunnel of life. Equilibrium gives me a purpose. Thank you. Blessings. Richard The magazine means a lot to me for the reason that it allows me to write about various aspects of mental health and wellbeing. This is one of the only places where you can talk about this sticky matter and issues surrounding wellbeing. Working here also allows me to meet like-minded people who are passionate about talking about their experiences of their conditions. Seeing these issues being published spreads information on mental health, and other topics, even further. Devzilla Equilibrium has been a fantastic form of expression for me. I have the choice to write about what I want and I can put my ideas into practice. I have been with Equilibrium since 2007, and I never run out of ideas of things to write about. I have enjoyed writing articles and reviews about plays, books and galleries. The Equilibrium team has changed from time to time, but we still manage to produce four copies of the magazine a year. Angela
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EDITORIAL Hello, Equilibrium readers. I hope you all had a relaxing Christmas and are looking forward to a prosperous 2019. As always, we have a varied and exciting issue for you to sink your teeth into. Among these contributions, we have pieces by Elvis Coimbra Gomes, Sophia H Garner and Sarah Burns, all of whom are sharing their research and their experiences with Equilibrium for the first time. We also have pieces from some of our more regular contributors, including poetry from Astharte De Los Santos and an article by Dev Chatterjea on mental health in the South Asian community. I would like to thank our wonderful writers for taking the time to share their insights, and I hope you enjoy reading what they have to offer in this issue. Namaste. Emily, Editor
DISCLAIMER Equilibrium is produced by students. Reproduction in whole or in part is strictly forbidden without the prior permission of the Equilibrium team. Products, articles and services advertised in this publication do not necessarily carry the endorsement of Equilibrium or any of our partners. Any material that has been reprinted is, as far as we know, in the public domain. If you have any concerns about anything printed within Equilibrium, please contact the team via the email below. Equilibrium is published and circulated electronically four times a year to a database of subscribers; if you do not wish to receive Equilibrium or have received it by mistake, please email unsubscribe to equilibriumteam@hotmail.co.uk
THE TEAM Facilitator/Editor: Emily Sherris Students: Dev, Nigel, Richard Graphic Designer: Anthony J. Parke
CONTACT US Equilibrium, Clarendon Recovery College, Clarendon Road, London, N8 ODJ. 0208 489 4860, equilibriumteam@hotmail.co.uk.
CONTRIBUTIONS Wanted: contributions to Equilibrium! Please email us with your news, views, poems, photos and articles. Anonymity guaranteed if required.
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Coming to terms with the gift of an organ transplant Sarah Burns
B
etween April 2017 and March this
nearly five thousand of whom were
year, there were over five thousand
renal patients, so the average wait for a
transplants; of those, the largest number
kidney is three years and can often be
- over three thousand - were kidneys.
longer still. In the case of renal patients,
Behind each of these are a multitude
that can mean time spent on dialysis.
of stories: the family who in their darkest
Inevitably, the patient’s world becomes
hour agreed to donate their loved
smaller, and alongside the procedure
one’s organs; the person who selflessly
itself and the limits on daily life, there
chose to help someone in need; the
are also restrictions on what a patient
patient who got that longed-for call to
can eat or drink: dairy is often out, the
say that they would be getting that life-
chocolate treat can be forbidden, and
changing surgery.
even certain fruits and vegetables can end up off the menu. Thanks to the
Mine became one of these stories
generosity of my relative, I avoided this
in January 2018, when I received a
altogether, but, anecdotally, I have
kidney transplant. As I approach my
heard that patients can take around
first “kidney-versary”, I can now see
a year to get used to this new regime.
three key stages that have had various
When I faced the prospect of it, I was
impacts on my emotional and mental
more frightened of this, and the impact
wellbeing.
it would have on my life, than of an operation.
The first is the wait itself. As of March this year, there were over six thousand people active on the transplant list,
www.haringey.gov.uk/equilibrium
Secondly, there is the vital call and the operation itself. I remember mine
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like it was yesterday: being at work,
was having my operation alongside
only hearing the words “possible”
people who had waited years more
and “match”, assuming the news was
than me. Calling my relative for the
bad and swearing loudly when I was
first time after my operation was one
corrected! For most patients, they
of the hardest things I’ve done - crying
don’t get warning. Of those three
after saying “thank you”, which, in the
thousand transplants between April
circumstances, felt utterly inadequate.
2017 and March 2018, only around
Time has made this better for me.
nine hundred were from live donors and would have been planned. But
Finally, there’s the recovery and
where a deceased donor is the source,
the return to normal. All transplant
the patient is told over the phone not
patients face the same routine in
to eat or drink anything and to get to
the first few weeks and months: early
the hospital as quickly as possible. Life
attendance at a clinic for a blood
has to come to a halt in that moment.
test; a wait to see the nurse to check
Instead, I had a two-month heads-
blood pressure and weight; and then a
up, but not being on dialysis brought
further wait to see the doctor, by which
an unexpected mental hurdle: a rare
time test results are back and can be
warning in advance of illness to come.
discussed. Initially, this happens three times a week. My life that had once
The guilt is acute; in my case, it was
revolved around work and socialising
knowing that my loved one would
was suddenly all about my health,
have to spend the rest of their life
and I was unable to talk about much
with one kidney because of me; but
else. My diet was restricted while the
how could I take a deceased donor
kidney got used to its new home, and,
kidney when I had this opportunity
alongside new and ever-changing
available? How could I potentially
medications, I needed to drink at
take an organ that someone else
least three litres of water a day. This
could have had, someone who was
was easily the toughest part of the
in desperate need and didn’t have
whole process. The expectations are
the offer of a live donation? Also, I
high, and so as each new change
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Summer/ Issue 38
is implemented, it can be crushing.
so limited - choices I previously made
Even one of my doctors said to me,
easily can become overwhelming,
it’s perfectly normal to wish that the
but I’m hoping that, as with everything
kidney had never been transplanted,
else, this will improve with time. And
and that it could be taken back out.
there is the continued worry of how
I certainly thought that more than
long my kidney will last. The average
once.
“life” of a deceased donor kidney is around fifteen years, and from a live
The typical routine is that a patient
donation it can be around twenty. But
is in hospital for five days after surgery,
clearly that can vary considerably. It
can drive after four weeks and can
can often be daunting to think about
return to work after three months. But
how to use the time with my kidney
I faced several complications that
so that if it does start to fail, I can say
often led to my being readmitted
I’ve achieved all I wanted to, and I’ve
to hospital. I started my medical
followed all the advice I received, so
leave from work with plans for what I
I can be sure I’ve done everything I
would do with all that time at home
can to maintain it.
- suffice to say, the most I achieved was completing box sets. As patients,
But while going about our
we assume that the kidney gets
now normal lives and taking the
“plugged in” and works pretty much
immunosuppressants we need to
straightaway. This is a very rare
maintain our physical health, we
outcome.
transplant patients will continue to face challenges to maintain
Nearly a year on and life for me
our mental health. But given the
is back to normal: I returned to work
dramatic impact it can have, it is
in mid-April, started driving again in
hardly surprising that many transplant
early June, and am slowly but surely
patients refer to their new organ as
rebuilding my social life. But even
their “gift”, and throughout all these
now, the new mental challenge is
trials, we owe it to our donors, and
returning to a richer life after it was
ourselves, to make the most of it.
www.haringey.gov.uk/equilibrium
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Image: Comfreak/ Pixabay
Darkness Liv Johannesson
Suddenly it’s just there, the black empty hole that pierces through my heart, growing in darkness and pain. Slowly, my mind mellows. My focus centres round the pain and blackness. Snap out of it! Snap out of it! But my mind will not. No matter how hard I try to fight it, my mind will not focus, my body will not move. Minutes turn to hours, the sun becomes the moon. I climb into bed, exhausting myself. I pray that tomorrow the pain will go away. I know it will not, but the darkness will. An elusive illusion that I heal.
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Sophia H Garner
When I was twelve, my world was shattered.
was happening inside my head. Bedell (2016) reported that both depression
I
n the last year or so, I have read
and anxiety amongst teenagers has
that the lives of young people in
increased by 70% in the past twenty-
the UK are improving, with fewer
five years. Since 2009, the number of
teenage pregnancies, less drinking,
A&E visits made by children and young
less drug taking and less smoking,
people with psychiatric conditions has
which is incredible! However, research
more than doubled. The report goes on
is uncovering a world of mental health
to state that the number of teenagers
issues that are taking hold of many
being admitted to hospital with eating
young people. I read an article in the
disorders has also doubled. Bedell’s
Independent, written by Geraldine
article contains several case studies
Bedell, which really struck a chord. “It
which all have a different stance on
is as if, rather than acting out, young
the triggers for these conditions. Triggers
people are turning in on themselves”
such as: exams, schools, parents’ sense
(Bedell, 2016). I’m not sure that
of self-worth, social pressures and
sentence could have resonated with
negative life events have all become
me any more than it did. When I look
hot topics surrounding this epidemic
back on how I was behaving, with
(Bedell, 2016). With the world beginning
the self-destruct button switched on,
to open up and realise that mental
I didn’t always lash out; I sunk into
health is an issue that needs discussing,
myself and began to cause myself
there are more and more people willing
more pain to alleviate the torture that
to talk about it. I wish to share my battle
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with mental health, in the hope that
such as, “How are you doing?”, “Let’s
what I experienced and learnt can,
talk about it”, “It’s okay to be upset”,
and will, help other people who are
all of which made me want to be sick.
suffering.
The crux of it was, it didn’t work. I left, crying my eyes out and feeling more
At twelve, my world should have
shut off than before.
been filled with chocolate bars, computer games, skipping ropes
A few months after I went to see
and pet cuddles. But sadly, all that
someone, my mum’s health drastically
was a bit of a distant memory, when
deteriorated, to the extent that she
an important member of my close
was hospitalised for long periods of
family decided to do a disappearing
time. This made me close off even
act. As I began to close off and my
more; I completely refused to speak to
family situation became increasingly
anyone, because I felt like I needed
worse, people began to express their
to be strong and care for my mum. I
concerns about me. Some of my family
would run home and make sure she
wanted me to speak to someone:
was okay, even if that meant I would
a counsellor, a therapist, someone
cut class a few times a week. By the
who, in my eyes, would merely offer
time I was seventeen, I had lashed out
me a box of tissues and ask me silly
and was drinking alcohol excessively.
questions. However, I finally caved and
Just before my eighteenth birthday,
went to see someone. I hadn’t cried
I was admitted to the intensive care
or even spoken about the situation,
unit at my local hospital. I began
or my feelings, with anyone since it
to make enemies with the feeling I
happened. In hindsight, this is probably
named “my dark cloud”. No matter
the reason they wanted me to see/
what was happening, it was always
speak to someone. I sat down and
there, somewhere, in the back of my
immediately wanted to leave. Phrases
head, waiting for a trigger. Sometimes,
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Summer/ Issue 38
it didn’t even feel as though there was
that it would go away, whether it
a trigger; it would just strike. Like when
be in a few hours or a few weeks or
you see those storm clouds, moving
even in a month. But it would pass,
over the hill; you shut the window, lock
it would leave me. I just had to learn
the door and brace yourself for the
how to deal with the present feeling
storm. That’s what I did. I didn’t tell
of sadness. I managed to find some
anyone. I would just shut the door and
forms of escape, a relief, almost, just
sink into myself. I would either hide
while the dark cloud passed over me.
away or drink through the spells of the
I would read so many books, novels
dark cloud, and sometimes it felt like it
and stories about different people in
would never pass.
fantasy worlds and how they would run away. Each book would pull me
When I was twelve, and things
somewhere else, to a place where
began to spiral downhill, I was
I didn’t have to deal with anything,
exposed to so much distress, by
cope with my difficulties or even think
no fault of my own or anyone
about my feelings.
else’s. I just was. I saw my mum hospitalised; I learnt of horrendous,
Through the years, it felt like things
personal betrayals; and I was put
just got worse. The list of negatives in
into situations I believe, as a child,
my life just kept building: a member
I shouldn’t have had to deal with.
of my family, who I was very close
The feelings I was trying to escape
to, passed away; I had a toxic
were feelings of complete sadness
relationship; and I had a number of
that would engulf and consume me.
extremely negative interactions with
It felt as though it would never end,
the person who did the disappearing
and it was heartbreaking. I learnt to
act. I started to rely heavily on alcohol
understand that what I was feeling
when I felt down or like I wanted to
was depression. I learnt to understand
cry. The so-called dark cloud would
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appear on a more regular basis. It
was rushed to hospital, and a few
got to the point where, every week,
days later I woke up in intensive
I would feel myself consumed by the
care, covered in wires and on a life
feeling of being sad. But it never felt
support machine. I was petrified, but
like a normal amount of sadness; it
I still felt numb to anything other than
felt as though my whole body was
sadness.
filled with painful suffering, from my fingertips to my chest, from my
After my time in intensive care, I
head to my feet, with no escape. I
was required to meet with a mental
began to think about what it would
health psychologist every week.
be like if I wasn’t able to feel this
Again, I was not enthralled by the
sadness, what it would be like not
idea, but I decided to go into it
to be able to feel anything. I think
with an open mind. I had nothing
that’s why alcohol became such a
to lose. I was also now at, what
big part of my coping mechanism,
people kept calling, “a crisis point”,
because I could drink and not feel.
and I had to agree with them. So I
Sadly, just before my eighteenth
reluctantly went every week, with a
birthday, it all got too much. I could
tiny bit of hope that it may help. To
no longer cope with the dark cloud
my absolute shock, there were no
eating away at me. I was no longer
‘silly questions’, no ‘have a tissue’
enjoying anything, and I truly just
comments. It was all very practical,
wanted to escape. I thought I was
very to the point and matter-of-
left with no option, other than to
fact. Now, I can see how this type of
disappear. I was spending days in
therapy might not work for everyone
bed, crying, hurting myself and no
and, equally, how the session I spoke
longer wanting to face my life. I
about previously may be what
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Summer/ Issue 38
works for some people. Therefore,
crucial to my mental wellbeing.
I just want to say that relating
If I look at myself negatively, or
this experience isn’t about bad-
don’t allow myself to alleviate
mouthing any type of solution. It’s
the destructive feelings I have,
about emphasising the point that
then the consequences could be
there is not one solution that fits all,
detrimental.
which is what I think I learnt the hard way. I tried one solution, it didn’t work, and then I gave up. Everyone is different, and it is so important to find the right fit… like a good pair of shoes. I eventually found what worked for me, in the form of therapy and my own little solutions (reading, for instance). I was made to realise that there is so much more to live for, so much more to be passionate about, and that it is okay to be vulnerable sometimes.
I’ve learnt the hard way about self-love and how to manage yourself. It’s easy to feel consumed. It’s easy to feel like there is no way out, but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. That light may not mean complete recovery, but it can mean a better future, one where you don’t feel quite so consumed. Be brave and take the first step to finding the light at the end of the tunnel. Speak to a
It’s okay not to be okay. It’s okay
GP, speak to a family member or a
to feel hurt, to feel sad and to want
friend, or even just start by saying
to break down. What’s important
to yourself, “I’m going to be okay”.
is not allowing those feelings to
Try and see how amazing you are;
completely consume you. I learnt
once you see that, you’ll be able to
that how I look at myself and how
take positive steps towards making
I deal with my own feelings is so
yourself feel better.
www.haringey.gov.uk/equilibrium
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The Vagabond Astharte De Los Santos Run, find your place, Vagabond. Have shame: you’re a disgrace, Vagabond. You make it obvious with all your pain, No one cares, because, at the end of the day, They laugh and stare. They place snares around you, Slipping bananas, So you can fall, Vagabond. Yet their cheerful smile, enticing, loud, You make them proud as you approach the crowd. Reaching acceptance, finally, oh wow! Then the same happens again and you wonder how. Because your heart is out, exposed to the world. Your cries for love reach the eternal grounds. They echo clearly, and so does your frown. Comply with your treatment,
Image: Pixabay/ Free-Photos
Yes, that’s how!
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You will get them to see, Yes, they’ll know now, How normal you can be, They’ll accept you now!
Summer/ Issue 38
How many times can they hurt you, Vagabond? They don’t deserve you, Vagabond. So take your stick with bag attached, Keep looking for a place to crash. Never once looking back, Never once losing track Of the mission at hand. To impart justice, peace, through facts. To express yourself with rap on wax. Whatever your passion is, whatever your goals are, Vagabond, relax. You will do what you think. It’s just a matter of time Before they see you come forth and manifest your Divine. So keep pushing, Vagabond, don’t hide. Keep on living nonchalantly, Remember, they don’t like your kind. Vagabond.
www.haringey.gov.uk/equilibrium
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Mental Health Stigma in the South Asian Community Dev Chatterjea
M
ental health issues on the
had done something bad in one of their
subcontinent are still stigmatised
previous lives, and their psychological
and seen as a massive taboo, hence
condition was a punishment for that
why the subject always gets pushed
misdeed. Yes, I know it sounds ridiculous,
under the carpet instead of being
but that was the mindset back then
talked about. This type of mindset still
and, to some extent, it still is. Hopefully
exists in the South Asian community
not as much, though.
here in the UK, regardless of more modern attitudes in other communities.
If a person had a mental health condition, they had to be very careful
As a person who grew up in the 80s
not to show any outward behaviour
and 90s in a South Asian community,
that highlighted their issues, both in
we were always made to understand
public and with extended and close
that mental health problems were an
family. This could be a terrible burden,
omen or a sin. Back then, the general
as they did not get that very important
view was that mental health sufferers
support from their family. The only place
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for them to vent their feelings or display
the subcontinent, it was common
signs of their condition was in private,
for people to surmise that those with
e.g. their bedrooms or bathrooms.
certain mental health conditions were insane, which led to them being kept
If there was an outburst in public,
out of major decision-making. It is
rumours would spread throughout
perfectly obvious that there was a lack
the community about the incident,
of knowledge and treatment in those
which could have lead to them being
areas.
ostracised from the community and their family. The latter is more to do
If they were both from the
with family pride, known locally as
same region, psychiatrists on the
‘izzat’. There have been some cases
subcontinent would often speak to
where people have had to move
their patients as if they were part of
into supported living, because it
the family or an elder, trying to provide
was thought that their mental heath
personal or regional advice in the
condition was jeopardising their
hope that it may help. Unfortunately,
family’s future. The family may have
this has not really changed after all
suggested marriage in the hope
these years.
that it would rid the sufferer of their mental health condition. It could also
However, there have been some
have been a statement to show that
changes within the UK’s South Asian
the person in question was perfectly
community, but mental health issues
normal, as the marriage would
are still extremely hush-hush. This is
have shown that there was nothing
possibly to do with pride or, as people
wrong with them. In some parts of
in the community would say, ‘izzat’ or
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Summer/ Issue 38
‘ghar ka izzat’. Only the closest family
their treatment and future plans.
members, e.g. parents, siblings, and
This is known as ‘ghar ka maryada’.
those who work in mental health, like
Developments concerning issues like
doctors and chemists, are aware of
mental health always take a very long
the person’s condition. Maybe this
time to become acceptable within
is because if more family members
the South Asian community. Attitudes
know that someone related to them
seem to improve at a snail’s pace.
has mental health issues, then those suffering will feel even more ostracised by the family. In 2019, it is still seen as a stigma for people in the South Asian community to have, or be labelled with, mental health problems. One reason for this is that these prejudices have not been tackled like they have in other communities where more members are aware and tolerant of people with mental health issues.
Saying this, there is some hope. People with mental health problems in the South Asian community have formed a close support group of sorts, where they help each other when possible or bounce ideas off one another. This is obviously done under wraps; it is a top secret community! There have been some people from this group who have started working
One obstacle that people with
in the mental health field and are very
mental health issues will face if their
slowly eliminating the stigma related
families become aware of their
to mental health in the South Asian
conditions is that they often have
community. Hopefully, in the next ten-
to obey the family’s orders. In other
fifteen years, this stigma will not be as
words, they don’t have a say in
problematic as it is now.
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Copyright NYMR EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 22
Summer/ Issue 38
The North Yorkshire Moors
Railway Pt.II Ricky Writes
(www.nymr.co.uk)
T
his article, which is about the North
1967, and the North Yorkshire Moors
Yorkshire Moors Heritage Railway
Railway Preservation Society was born.
(now a registered charity), follows on
Tom Salmon was a local individual that
from the first part in the previous issue
was keen on saving the line; he and his
of Equilibrium. This detailed the history,
wife, Erica, died just a few years ago.
geography and scenery of the line, up until it was closed by British Railways under the Beeching plan.
The new society proposed to buy six miles of track from Grosmont to the summit of the line near Fylingales Early
The Beeching plan proposed that all
Warning Station and the track bed for
rail routes to Whitby be withdrawn,
the remaining twelve miles to Pickering,
but, after a local outcry, the line from
with the idea of re-laying it when funds
Middlesborough via the Esk Valley
permitted. The price they agreed with
and Grosmont was spared and is still in
British Railways was ÂŁ42,500.
existence. Harold Wilson, in opposition, said he would save the Grosmont to
However, just days before British
Pickering line, but, when he became
Railways were due to lift the other twelve
Prime Minister, he changed his mind, and
miles of track, the North Riding County
the line was closed.
Council (the predecessor of the present North Yorkshire County Council) stepped
Rather than give up, a few local
in and bought it, and then leased it to
people held a meeting in Tom Salmon’s
the North Yorkshire Moors Railway, who
house in Ruswarp, near Whitby, in June
paid it off after a number of years.
www.haringey.gov.uk/equilibrium
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The reason behind the County
The line was opened for public
Council’s decision to purchase was that
services on the 22nd April 1973, and
they took the enlightened view that
HRH The Duchess of Kent officially
while people were on trains looking at
opened the railway on the 1st May 1973.
the scenery, they weren’t in their cars
Passenger and visitor numbers increased
clogging up the moorland roads.
and now amount to about three hundred and fifty thousand a year. It
Membership and volunteers for
became a registered charity called the
the railway grew rapidly, and steam
North Yorkshire Moors Historical Railway
locos and a diesel multiple unit were
Trust on the 14th February 1972.
purchased. Associations were made with the Hull and Barnsley Coach Stock
In April 2007, steam services were extended to Whitby over the six miles
Preservation Group for the provision of
of British Rail (Network Rail) track
coaches and more steam locomotives.
from Grosmont, the NYMR being the
Copyright NYMR
Fund and the North Eastern Locomotive
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Summer/ Issue 38
first heritage railway to get such
There are now well over five
running rights over the National Rail
hundred volunteers and a nucleus
network. They also have rights to run
of paid staff, because there are not
to Battersby over the Esk Valley line
enough volunteers.
towards Middlesbrough. Another Lottery grant is due to In the drought of 1976, a diesel
be confirmed in March 2019; stage
locomotive was hired, which saved
one was approved in June 2017.
the day due to the fire risk from steam
This is to pay for three replacement
locomotives. Everyone was surprised
bridges at Goathland, a carriage
to find there were, in fact, enthusiasts
shed at Pickering, accommodation
for diesels.
for volunteers, lineside nature management and educational
The overall roof at Pickering
facilities. The railway has started an
Station, removed by British Railways
appeal called ‘Yorkshire’s Magnificent
in 1952, was reinstated in 2011 with a
Journey’ to raise £2.5 million to help
Heritage Lottery Fund grant, and the
match the Lottery grant.
second platform at Whitby Station was reinstated in 2014. This allowed more trains to run there and more flexibility, paid with grants from the Coastal Communities Fund (money given to coastal projects from the royalties to the Crown from wind farms on the seashore), Network Rail and a local fund called Yorkshire Forward. The entire Whitby and Pickering Railway is, therefore, running again, and with steam!
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In years to come, the link may be re-laid between Pickering and the York to Scarborough line at Malton, but it is not on the cards at the moment, as the railway has enough on its plate with maintaining and improving facilities on its existing eighteen miles.
Scenery Regarding the scenery, it varies: green fields at the north and south
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ends of the line; forestry plantations in
the Barnet local group of the Youth
Newtondale Gorge; and moorland,
Hostels Association; this is a forty-mile
purple with heather out in late August,
endurance walk across the moors that
in the central section. Fylingdales Early
crosses the railway at its summit at
Warning Station can be seen at the
Fylingdales. The idea is to do the walk in
summit of the line near Fenbog Nature
twenty-four hours.
Reserve, but the famous ‘golf balls’ were replaced by a pyramid a few years ago.
Another reason was that my father’s family came from Yorkshire (Leeds), and he’d been going to the North York
Me How did I get involved with this
Moors for holidays since the late 1800s, so there was a family connection.
heritage railway, and why did I join? Several reasons, all coming together!
I joined, therefore, not just for one reason but for all those coming
I joined the Preservation Society in
together. I also, of course, liked
1969, just two years after it had been
railways. I’ve backed a winner!
formed. When I was at the Stationers’ Company’s School in Hornsey, I saw some photographs of the first steam
My Voluntary Work I was a volunteer at the start, going
loco and diesel railbuses on their way
up regularly on bank holidays and
to the line in the Railway Magazine I
other holidays, mainly by hitchhiking
used to look at in Stroud Green Library
- don’t tell Mum and Dad! Initially, I
near Harringay Station, up the road
helped with trackwork (also called
from the school. It seemed good to join
the permanent way or PW in railway
a heritage line that had just started.
terminology), which involved: digging
A friend of mine was a volunteer
holes for signals, points and signal wires;
fireman on the Ffestiniog Railway in
opening and closing level crossing
North Wales, and I thought it would
gates before they were operated
be nice to be different. I’d completed
from signal boxes, thereby saving
the Lyke Wake Walk three times with
drivers from having to get out of their
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Summer/ Issue 38
engines to do it. One driver was so
or to whom they are passed, go
appreciative he gave me a lift in the
up to the North York Moors for a
cab of his diesel loco!
holiday and a ride on the line. Senior people on the railway tell me most
For many years after that, I
passengers come from the south
pushed a trolley through trains, selling
east, albeit staying on the moors, so
refreshments, and I never got tired
there’s a good chance some are
of looking at the view and scenery
visiting as a result of the leaflets I’ve
through the windows. At Easter and
distributed.
early in the season, passengers used to queue up for a cup of tea or
There is an art and craft to
coffee so they could put their hands
doing the job, believe it or not, the
round something warm!
principal one of which is being on good terms with the staff at the
In more recent years, I was
different locations, as they are under
based at Levisham, the first small
no obligation whatsoever to allow
station up the line, doing anything
my timetables at their workplaces.
and everything such as gardening,
As a thank you, I give them boxes
painting, washing windows and
of chocolates at Christmas. I also
cleaning.
sell the railway’s raffle tickets and guidebook to people I know.
I now distribute the railway’s timetable and information leaflet at mainline and suburban stations
Last but not least… I hope you are able to go to the
around north London, various libraries
North York Moors some time for a visit
and cafes and the London Transport
and also a ride on the railway.
Museum in Covent Garden: almost three thousand five hundred a year,
You won’t be disappointed!
and I like to think that at least some of the people who pick them up,
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A linguist asks: “What can obsessive-compulsive disorder tell us about society’s perception of gender, sexuality and love?” Elvis Coimbra Gomes
A
lthough obsessive-compulsive
things in a symmetrical way might
disorder (OCD) seems to be a
come across as a specific personality
well-known disorder, it is extremely
trait or quirky habits, this is only the
misunderstood. Most people associate
visible layer of OCD. Underneath these
OCD with an urge for cleanliness,
behaviours, there is an endless, anxiety-
symmetrical order and perfectionism.
producing whirl of illogical thinking that
While repetitively washing hands,
often leads OCD sufferers to say: “I am
turning the lights on/off or ordering
a prisoner of my thoughts…”
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Affecting up to 3% of the general
with cognitive-behavioural therapy
population, OCD is a debilitating
(CBT) provided by an OCD specialist.
mental health condition that some
In therapy, sufferers are exposed to
specialists understand as a reasoning
anxiety triggers and encouraged
or belief disorder that causes
to embrace the anxiety without
great anxiety. In other words, it is a
performing any compulsions, while
pathological doubt about a topic
learning how to accept their intrusive
that is extremely important to the
thoughts in a non-judgmental way.
sufferer. OCD is often characterised by repetitive, unwanted, intrusive thoughts
As expected, OCD is usually studied
called obsessions that produce
by psychologists who aim to improve
a lot of doubt about the specific
its treatment. However, I am not a
obsessional topic (e.g. contamination,
psychologist but a doctoral researcher
perfectionism, harm). This uncertainty
in linguistics at Queen Mary University
will cause great anxiety to sufferers,
of London. As a linguist, I am interested
which compels them to perform
in how people use language in social
physical or mental rituals known as
interactions to achieve various goals.
compulsions. These acts are meant to
More specifically, I am rather interested
reduce the anxiety and ultimately stop
in how people make sense of their
the doubt. However, they will only give
mental health experiences and how
temporary relief and feed the doubt
they communicate it to others. For
with the next intrusive thought, which
instance, I might ask: “Why or when do
entraps sufferers in a vicious cycle
people say: ‘I am so OCD’? What do
of obsessive-compulsive behaviours.
they mean and want to achieve with
Although there is no magical cure, the
such a phrase?” Or I might explore the
golden standard used to treat OCD
metaphors used by OCD sufferers when
is to combine (if necessary) selective
they say, “I am bombed with thoughts”,
serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs)
and examine the possible implications
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EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 29
of such phrasing on their identity.
because she thinks some men are
Interestingly, with this microscopic lens
good-looking; or a cisgender man
on language, linguists can also learn
obsessively worries whether he is
how OCD sufferers are influenced by
transgender while remembering
certain social ideas and how these
how his mother used to dress
interact with their obsessions. For
him like a girl for fun; or a mother
instance, OCD can shed some light
might obsessively fear that she is a
on how society perceives notions of
paedophile because she touched
gender, sexuality and love.
her son’s penis when changing his nappy. It is important to underline
You might be wondering how this
that sufferers experience these
is possible. Well, OCD interestingly
fearful thoughts as ego-dystonic,
appears in many different forms. It
which means that the content of the
can latch on to any topic that has
thoughts does not align with their
strong emotional, personal, moral or
sense of self – hence why sufferers
religious significance to the sufferer.
rarely act on their thoughts. Since
As such, sufferers can experience
we live in a time where sexual
repetitive, intrusive thoughts about
minorities are righteously sensitive to
stereotypes surrounding sexuality,
any homophobic attitudes, I have
gender or romantic relationships. For
to underline the fact that obsessive
instance, a woman might interpret
fears about becoming gay have
the absence of feeling butterflies in
little to do with hostility towards the
her stomach when being around
LGBTQ+ community. The connection
her partner as a sign of not being
of such fears to OCD does also not
“truly” in love; or a heterosexual man
re-pathologise homosexuality. In fact,
might have the intrusive thought of
LGBTQ+ sufferers can also obsessively
being gay just because he is sitting
fear the idea of not being LGBTQ+.
with crossed legs; or a lesbian might
This means that such types of OCD
obsessively doubt her sexual identity
deal with a fear of losing identity or
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Summer/ Issue 38
not being authentic enough, which is
but also leads to potential suicidal
informed by social ideas surrounding
ideation. Furthermore, due to the
identity categories.
taboo and stigmatising content of the thoughts, these OCD sufferers
As such, obsessions tell us more
live in secret agony for many years
about society’s expectations of
until they learn about it online
what it means to belong to a certain
and find support in online forums
identity group (e.g. man, woman, gay,
that are clustered around labels
straight, romantic partners, etc.) than
expressing their obsessional fears,
about sufferers themselves. This is what
e.g. “HOCD” (Homosexual OCD),
my research is about. I am interested
“POCD” (Paedophilia OCD),
in examining how these normative
“ROCD” (Relationship OCD), “TOCD”
ideas are reflected in the language
(Transgender OCD), etc. Although
use of people who experience OCD
some LGBTQ+ sufferers write in these
related to their sexual/gender identity
forums, no studies have included
and romantic relationships. In order
them, hence I wish to involve them in
to do this, I built a safe online forum
my research in order to expand our
where such people can interact with
understanding of how these types
each other and respond to some of
of OCD affect LGBQT+ populations.
my questions. My research will not
At the end of the day, I am not only
only enhance our understanding of
doing research about a specific group
how social ideas dynamically interfere
of OCD sufferers but also with and
with sufferers’ obsessions, but it will
for these people who are secretly
also raise awareness about these
imprisoned by their thoughts.
types of OCD. Unfortunately, ignorant therapists tragically misdiagnose such cases as sexual identity crisis,
If you would like to participate or know
internalised homophobia, gender
more about my study, you can visit my
dysphoria or paedophilia. This not
webpage:
only worsens the OCD symptoms
www.elviscoimbragomes.com.
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EQUILIBRIUM 31
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Summer/ Issue 38
Wendy Waters Author of Catch the Moon, Mary
W
hen I was a child, mental illness wasn’t mentioned, especially in my
family. My severely depressed grandmother was sedated with Valium, and we all tiptoed around her silences and moods and accepted that she was “highly-strung” - a euphemism for dysfunctional. It wasn’t until my grandfather passed away that my brave grandmother checked herself into an asylum for shock therapy and emerged confident enough to take charge of her life. She died two years ago, and now I see her frustration as the prime cause of her depression. She was a very gifted woman, a talented dress designer who could have been another Coco Chanel had she been born in Paris and found a simpatico lover to support her. I remember seeing her sitting alone, staring into space. She told me later
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EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 33
she was considering the pros and
eight, she ran her arthritic fingers over
cons of suicide.
her violin and asked me if I thought it was too late for her to resume her
Grandmother number two
glorious career. I was fifteen and
had been a world-class violinist,
dreaming of my own fame as an
whose career in London was cut
actress, so I told her, “It’s never too
short. A brilliant woman whose
late.” It was, of course, but I couldn’t
parents scraped her fare and
bear the truth any more than she
accommodation together and sent
could.
her to Europe to study with master violinist Ysayë. And how she shone.
For some people, the fire within
I have been reading programs from
is too hot to douse. We are wired
London dated 1922-1936. After
differently. Both of my grandmothers
graduating, she played in private
had the sacré feu or ‘scared fire’,
salons and was first violin in orchestras
and it consumed them. I have two
and concerts. Then it all stopped.
brothers: one who is content with a
I found a letter from her mother
normal life and another who is on
begging her to come home in 1936,
fire to save the world. He’s a scientist
as war was almost certain. She could
and inventor who has worked for
return to Europe when it was over.
thirty years on a project that will help
She never did. When it was over, the
save the environment and reduce
devastation was so profound it took
global warming. I cheer for him, and
decades to recover. Back home,
I understand him because, like me,
in Australia, she was invited to play
he has Asperger’s. I recognise the
second violin in the Sydney Symphony
symptoms (or attributes, depending
Orchestra. She did it only once.
on who’s judging). I now believe
Before she died at the age of ninety-
that both my grandmothers had
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Summer/ Issue 38
Asperger’s based on their singular
in my mind; difficulty conversing in
passions, highly-sensitive responses to
a normal way, i.e. either talking too
life and the fire that burned them alive.
much or too little, fixating on my own areas of expertise and unable to
I don’t regard Asperger’s as an illness. I regard it as a gift. Asperger’s people have much to offer. They are passionate, informed and eager to share their knowledge. Often frustrated by a lack of opportunity, we are
understand “lightweight” conversations or small talk; staring at people for uncomfortable lengths of time or completely unable to meet their eyes, desperate to escape their company,
looking for ways to express ourselves,
and many more mutual traits, not to
and once we find them, we hold tight,
mention the bouts of severe depression
because the yearning for expression
or extreme elation that profoundly
never goes away.
impacted on everyday life.
It was grandmother number one who first suspected that I had a psychological dysfunction similar to hers. I was fourteen when depression settled into my personality. I was diagnosed with bipolar. I never accepted that diagnoses,
I am now quite comfortable accepting that I have Asperger’s and endure a revolving door cycle of depression/elation/calm. I’ve developed coping mechanisms and know the depression will pass.
and it wasn’t until I met people with Asperger’s that I recognised my own
I’d like to share with you a poem I
personality traits: sensitive to certain
wrote about my experience of growing
sounds; highly aware of music, with
up with Asperger’s
a propensity to loop musical phrases
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(continued on next page).
EQUILIBRIUM 35
Dark space, safe place, In here, I am voice and echo, The sound of a friend. In the playground, on a bench, a child sits alone, Seemingly unaware of the chosen ones who play in groups, find safety in numbers. But the child is watching, observing how sunlight turns their hair to gold, nettled haloes. The child is listening to the laughter that warps the fabric of her silence into rhythm. The cat-tailed wind that winds around her, as if she were a lamp post, Arranges her loneliness into music that ignites the tangled wires in her brain. And suddenly, marvellous melodies illuminate her dark space, safe place, Become voice and echo, The sound of a friend, And she laughs for joy. The chosen ones stop their game, snigger at the child who laughs at nothing. “You are mad,” hisses Sally of the golden hair when they pass on the stairs. Locked-up mad? Or funny mad like her Uncle Joe, who talks to plants? In the classroom, the teacher is hiding sentences inside each other like Matryoshka dolls, Each one less visible than the last. “Sandwiches,” he says mid-tone, and the word shimmers. Sand-witches? She had heard of Good Witches and Bad Witches and Wicked Witches But never Sand-witches. Where do they live?
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By the sea or in deserts? She asks the teacher, and the chosen ones snigger. “Lunch, dear,” says the teacher patiently. Sally of the golden hair hisses, “You are mad.” And the child retreats to her dark space, safe place, Seeking voice and echo, The sound of a friend. That weekend her mother takes her to the countryside for a picnic, And she notices, in a field of gold, a single purple flower. “Your Uncle Joe would tell that flower it’s OK to be different,” says her mother. “Is it mad?” she asks. “No, just different.” A purple flower in a golden field, all alone. Only by day, says the music, not at night, under cover of dark, For who sees differences in that dark space, safe place, Where the moon is voice and echo, The sound of a friend?
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