Issue 83.6

Issue 83.6

INSIDE: The Marauder’s Map to Exams 1

2

Issue 83.6

CONTENTS

AROUND CAMPUS

ARTICLES CONTINUED

Editorial ........................................................... 2 How to Contribute to On Dit .......................... 3 What’s On ..................................................... 4-5 Letters to the Editor ....................................... 6 Student Representative Council ....................... 7 Clubs on Campus ............................................. 8 AUU President ................................................. 9 Campus News ........................................... 10-11 Humans of Adelaide University................. 20-21

Becoming Facebook Official ...................... 32-34 How to Make Sparks Fly on Tinder ................. 35 A Letter to My Tutor ....................................... 47

GUIDES

REVIEWS

A Bludger’s Guide to Group Assignments.. 15-16 How to Exam ............................................ 17-19 The Art of Love ....................................... 22-23 Dreams and Nightmares ........................... 28-29 Six Things You Wish You Knew About Sleep.. 30-31 Stressing Out ............................................ 36-37

Film: Clouds of Sils Maria ........................ 40-41 Music: Julia Hulsmann Quar tet and Theo Blackmann - A Clear Midnight .............. 42 Food: A Great Sit-Out at Sit-Lo ................... 43

ARTICLES

Emma’s Dilemmas ........................................... 46 Crossword ........................................................ 48

The Sound of Silence ................................ 12-14 Aparecium! Revealing Seven Things in Harry Potter .......................................... 24-27

On Dit is a publication of the Adelaide University Union

CREATIVE TEAM: Viray Thach, Sarah Boese and Anna Bailes

EDITORS: Daniel Millburn, Daniel McLean and Leighton McDonald-Stuart

COVER ART: Lion Artwork by Sophie Underwood. Photo Edit by Anna Bailes

CREATIVE Artwork by Carly Har vey ............................ 36-37 Poetr y: The Title is Merely Perogative ................ 44 Poetr y: She Cuts .............................................. 45 Fiction: A Murder of Crows ............................ 45

DIVERSIONS

INSIDE BACK COVER: Maltilda Bristow SUB-EDITORS: James Lawler, Mandy Li and Natalie Carfora Published: 27/5/2015

Contents

1

E D I TO R I A L

Ah yes, that all too familiar feeling in your stomach has returned. It’s the endless churning of a prodigious pit of failure preparing to rise up and expunge itself from your loins. Winter is coming, and by winter, we mean exam season. Wave farewell to the birds whistling in the trees with their quaint summer songs. You don’t have time for things like music anymore.

Time has become your most valuable resource, and your slippery grasp upon it forces you to order your life in a brutal but efficient ways. “Opportunity cost” is the new buzzword. You’re going to dedicate the next few weeks of your life to a single focus characterised by systematic precision and diligence to ensure not a single minute is wasted.

But eventually, after three hours of watching Netflix, or whatever your guilty pleasure may be, you’ll realise procrastination is inevitable. It’s simply easier to give up and let the myriad of

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Editorial

fascinations take hold of your attention. On that note, welcome to the first pages of On Dit’s last edition this semester. It’s arrived in your hands at a frantic time, very likely accompanied by a hundred assignment sheets, the result of your university lecturers’ totalitarian demands.

To help you sur vive the upcoming weeks of unfathomable torture, here is an edition sympathetic to the pangs of the studious, and the throes of the strug gling.

Let’s be honest: in order to conquer your exams, get enough sleep and overcome the turbulence of stress, you’ll have to spend some quality time with this magazine.

Yours, Daniel McLean, Daniel Millbur n, and Leighton McDonald-Stuart

H OW TO C O N T R IBU T E Want to contribute to On Dit? It really is an easy process…

Submission De adlines for Artwork

I f yo u w a nt t o w r i t e a n a r t i c l e , h e r e’ s s o m e a dv i c e b e f o r e yo u g e t s t a r t e d : •

Have a chat to us. Your chances of being published are much higher if we’re all on the same page.

•

On Dit is primarily read by students who are easily exhausted by longwinded pieces of writing, so please keep it concise.

•

ISSUE

83.7

Make sure what you’re writing can appeal to a wide audience. If it’s a technical topic, try to explain it simply. Don’t presume people know all the specifics of niche topics.

•

No one likes a pretentious wordsmith. Try not to use jargon.

•

Want to write but don’t know what to write about? We have a long list of things we’d love people to write about.

•

Don’t be shy. Come in for a chat.

We’re down the dodg y-looking stairs near the Barr Smith Lawns.

THEME

Elle Dit

CONTRIBUTION DEADLINE

20th July

83.8

3rd August

83.9

17th August

83.10

1st September

83.11

28th September

83.12

12th October

CON TAC T US!

f

ondit.com.au

@OnDitMagazine

@OnDitMag

ondit@adelaide.edu.au

facebook.com/OnDitMagazine

O N D I T O F F I C E LO C A T I O N Down the narrow stairwell. Watch out for rodents.

How to Contribute

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WHAT’S ON + NEWS: Picnic Square

Audi Festival

Thursday, May 28th

of German Films May 27th - May 31st

Where:

Victoria Square

Tickets:

$10

The Adelaide Central Market bursts out onto Victoria Square. Tickets $10.

Where:

Palace Nova

Tickets:

Concession $17, Adult $19.50

The best Ger man films will be on display at the Palace Nova. Opening night includes Who am I – No System is Safe.

Variety’s Annual Ball Friday, May 29th Where:

Saturday June 6th

Adelaide Convention Centre

Time: Tickets:

7pm - 12am $160

Variety, the Children’s Charity, is hosting its annual ball. A 3 course menu with live entertainment.

With ‘Wedding Party’ as the theme there’s sure to a lot of fun.

4

Proms!

What’s On

Where: Elder Hall Time:

6:30pm

Cost:

$30 concession, $35 single

Adelaide University Choral Society, the Graduate Singers and the Adelaide Wind Orchestra combine to celebrate the Queen’s Birthday Holiday in the spirit of the Last Night of the Proms.

MAY 26TH TO JUNE 9TH Queen’s

Roseworthy

Birthday Fun

Fitness Sessions

Monday June 8th

Wednesday May 28th

Where:

Where: Roseworthy Campus

Cost:

Adelaide Harriers Clubrooms, South Parklands (Cnr South Tce and Peacock Rd) $10

The Adelaide Harriers Athletic Club is holding a 5km ‘Turkey handicap run’. Predict your finishing time and see if you can beat it!

Time:

7am - 8am

Cost:

Free for AUU members, $5 for non members.

The AUU is running morning fitness sessions at the Roseworthy campus. The last one is this Wednesday! Register with Tracey at the AUU office.

Goodwood Second-Hand

Book Fair Sunday May 31st Where: Goodwood Community Centre Time:

Friday 6pm - Saturday 2pm

Cost:

FREE

Over a dozen second-hand booksellers will be showcasing a huge number of titles under the one roof.

Campus News

5

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear On Dit Find a racist person and make them feel loved for who they are underneath. You might need to use authenticity, hugs, and caresses.

Let them know you do understand how tough it is to be white and middle-class, and how life really is unfair. It is unfair for all of us.

Comfort them gently when they cry a little.

Then, and only then, explain to them why the Centre for Aboriginal Studies in Music shouldn’t be dismantled. Listen to their arguments and paraphrase. Make them feel safe and understood.

At this point you must be a font of empathy.

Life *is* hard and unfair. But that doesn’t mean we should systematically dismantle all indigenous institutions. It isn’t their fault.

Be patient. Listen and paraphrase. But be fir m.

Be an adult. This is too important.

Bonus marks if the racist person is among the upper echelons of university administration, government, or the mining industry.

Yours, Anonymous.

Dear Sirs,

6

I am sorely disappointed. I had heard over and over again this year that the editors of On Dit were Liberals, yet to my surprise in Edition 83.5 of your magazine there was an adverstisement promoting the ‘National Day of Action’ by the National Union of Students.

At the end of the day, you can march around in solidarity all you like, but the students here are smarter than you might think. I believe the majority of students want to pay more for their degrees - they know that paying more will benefit them in the long run.

Needless to say I was outraged to once again see my student magazine littered with more Leftist propoganda. I believe that the Left are over-represented on campus. Most friends of mine who I’ve spoken to are embarrassed by this recurring pojection that Leftist ideolog y is popular among students, and frankly, so am I.

And let’s just remember, the age of entitlement is over, so for those that can’t afford to come to university, good riddance.

Letters to the Editor

Yours, Anonymous.

S RC C O L U M N Renjie Du, the President of the SRC

On the other hand, for students who are interested in a particular issue, not being a part of these friendship circles makes it near impossible to win a spot on the SRC. Futher more, lots of students just find that student elections are far too intimidating to take part in Therefore, for the past few years, we have seen the SRC being so detached from general students that barely anyone outside of the student politician group is aware of the existence of such a student body.

Before I was elected, I promised to create an SRC that is less political, more visible and more relevant for all students. The volunteering program not only efficiently tackles these problems mentioned above, but also creates more leadership opportunities for students who are passionate about our university and its students.

Congratulations, we did it!

On the 12th of May 2015, the Adelaide University Student Representative Council for mally adopted its Volunteering Program. This is a historic moment for the SRC as it is the big gest refor m undertaken since it was founded. June 6th 2015 is celebrated in South Australia as Volunteer’s Day. Here I would like to thank every single member of my council for making this come true.

Each year, Student Representative Council members are elected during student election week.

Student elections are a democratic and necessary process for students to express their opinions and get involved with student related issues. However, the nature of the student election makes factional influence unavoidable in the makeup of the Council. Nor mally, candidates group together to for m tickets by cutting deals. This means that many members are elected to positions that they are not particularly passionate about and have insular friendship groups.

The results of the program so far have been extremely exciting and rewarding. We have seen students who are nor mally quieter and less confident be very passionate about the opportunities this program presents. These students are ones who are driven when it comes to issues concerning people with disabiliites, women, postgraduate students, mature age students and queer people.

This is even truer for international students and those with a disability. They are very passionate about campus issues but strug gle to find a way to get involved. Some of them told me that they found currently there are few opportunities for them. They told me that the volunteering program gives them a good starting point to build up their confidence and speak up for their issues on campus.

I would take this occasion to again thank all my council members for making the bold changes for the benefit of students. I would like to especially thank all volunteers for dedicating their time and energ y to make the university a better place.

Together we are making a difference.

SRC President

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Psychology Students’ Ass o ciation The main aim of the University of Adelaide Psycholog y Students’ Association is to bring an exciting social element to the study of psycholog y at Adelaide, and to facilitate much-needed support networks between students.

Psycholog y Dinner. The academic activities have mostly taken the for m of lectures presented by invited speakers in specialist areas of psycholog y or infor mation sessions about psycholog y pathways.

Our past social activities have included pub nights, barbecues, quiz nights, pub crawls and the annual

To get in contact please email us at: psychology@auu.org.au

Adelaide Uni Writ ers’ Group Adelaide Uni Writers’ Group is designed to bring writers together to share, collaborate, get feedback or simply meet up and have fun. We have semi-regular workshops that are user-run and designed to get your creative juices flowing, improve your grades and create a productive and friendly atmosphere. We’re here to help you make that manuscript a reality, or get that poem or story out with which you’ve been grappling.

Writers of any experience level welcome, enthusiasm is the only pre-req.

Adelaide University Entrepreneurs’ Club The Adelaide University Entrepreneurs’ Club is a community of students who are interested in entrepreneurship. In addition to running the Professions Textbook Exchange every semester, we also hold idea nights and host guest speakers - most recently including Alan Noble, chief engineer at Google Australia! We have connections all over Adelaide and want you to get the most out of uni, so why not join up?

It’s free! www.facebook.com/OfficialAUEC

8

Clubs on Campus

AU U P R E S I D E N T Amelia Briggs, AUU President A lot of things have been recently announced by the University that will start to affect how students lear n here, and how secure our teachers are in teaching us. Many students have already noticed this, and are already working to secure the future of good teaching at this University, but let me tell you – it’s an uphill battle.

For starters, the Vice Chancellor Warren Bebbington has recently announced a ‘strategic reallocation of funds’ (his words, not mine) within Faculties, collectively called ‘Sustainable Transfor mation’. Having met with him, he openly admits that he will be using money paid by students enrolled in courses to fund research operations instead. While this is nothing new for universities across Australia, especially those with a strong research focus, his approach is novel.

He plans to change the conditions of around 100 staff members so that they teach the majority of the time, having them do the majority of marking and tutoring and reduce the budget for hiring extra tutors.

I’m sceptical that we can save $14 million per annum by 2019, the figure quoted in the VC’s email announcement, just by cutting casual tutors. I’m also sceptical that this will not drastically affect the workload of our teachers, and I’m not the only one – a few weeks ago staff in a members’ meeting of the National Tertiary Education Union passed a motion of no confidence in the Vice Chancellor, and said that the changes would have a har mful effect on staff, students, and the reputation of the University.

I’m inclined to agree with them. The ways they plan to measure who is a good teacher and who isn’t – and therefore who gets to teach us and who gets promoted – are largely based on student load and SELT results. This means that the number of students someone has in their courses each year will be used as a measure of how good a teacher they are. This clearly doesn’t make sense. Perhaps I’m cynical, but it is interesting to note that the more students there are, the more dollars the

f

University sees attached to that staff member.

To be fair, it’s not a bad idea to use student feedback as part of the justification for good teaching, but I also find it interesting that there is little focus on actual teaching methods. Instead, the brush strokes are very broad, they’re about money, and they’re being designed by high-level managers, many of whom are not experts in the same fields our lecturers are, or haven’t taught for many years.

We’ve also seen a rather large announcement from the Executive Dean of the Faculty of Arts, Jennie Shaw, about a massive restructure of the music school. It involves huge job losses and defunding the programs taught by the Centre for Aboriginal Studies in Music (CASM) altogether. I’d encourage you to read what the music students have to say about this in this issue of On Dit and get on board with the campaign. A meeting of around 200 music students also recently passed a motion of no confidence in Jennie Shaw and the Director of the Elder Conser vatorium, Graeme Koehne, as well as condemning the cutting of CASM programs.

It doesn’t seem like there is much faith in the management of this University from anyone at the moment.

Despite the outcry of students and staff of this University, management refuse to take on board our concerns. We’re paying for a quality education (and in the case of research students, for supported and quality staff to super vise them) and I’m worried that soon we won’t have one.

I certainly hope they start listening, before we lose something that is valuable not just to us but also to the public: high quality education. Until then, we will continue to express our anger with their approach to running this place – and tell them as publicly as possible to start putting teaching and learning before profit margins.

auu.org.au

instagram.com/adelaideuniversityunion

facebook.com/adelaideuniversityunion

twitter.com/UnionAUU AUU President

9

CAMPUS

NEWS ADELAIDE UNI HITS A BUM NOTE Leighton McDonald-Stuart Students of the Elder Conser vatorium have been in uproar these past weeks over plans to drastically alter its academic structure.

On Dit has acquired a copy of the leaked memorandum sent by Prof Jennie Shaw, the Executive Dean of the Faculty of Arts, to staff at the conser vatorium on May 6. The memorandum proposes broad staff and teaching changes to the Conser vatorium, including: • ABOLISHING Classical Voice Perfor mance as an independent program, instead merging studies into Conducting & Ensemble Studies, • REQUIRING teaching staff to instruct outside their specialty areas, • AXING all Centre for Aboriginal Studies in Music courses.

A change.org petition was launched recently by the student group Supporters of Classical Voice Perfor mance at the Elder Conser vatorium and gathered just under 3000 signatures in 3 days.

The group says the proposal to move Voice Perfor mance will have a ‘colossal impact on the wider South Australian arts community’ and will have ‘major ramifications’ on the quality of voice tuition.

The voice program is expected to lose valuable staff with one full-time and two part-time

10 Campus News

positions to be axed under the current portfolio of Classical Perfor mance in exchange for the equivalent of one full-time position being created in Conducting and Ensemble Studios. Under these plans, vocal tuition will be held by ‘visiting national and international experts and industry leaders’. Prof. Shaw, when queried by On Dit, said that ‘we will not stop teaching Classical Voice at the University of Adelaide; we will not stop solo or face-to-face teaching. Classical Voice will continue in the Elder Conser vatorium’. Shaw also revealed that the intention of the refor ms is to ‘give our voice students better opportunities to work more closely with relevant industries and professions’.

However, new ‘Scholarly Teaching’ positions ‘designed to strengthen the teaching capacity and quality’ merely replace already existing positions pending staff retirements.

CASM is expected to have all five of its positions trimmed as part of the restructure while its three stand-alone programs (the Diploma in Aboriginal Studies in Music, the Advanced Diploma in Aboriginal Studies in Music and the Foundation Year Program) are also expected to be no longer offered in 2016. Reasons cited for the trimming of positions in CASM include ‘Very low student numbers over the past decade; poor student outcomes; lack of industry involvement and industry readiness among graduates; duplication of effort; and the fact that CASM had become increasingly isolated from the University’.

A protest was held by Socialist Alliance on Wednesday, May 20 (at the same time as the student

Labor-organised NDA), to protest against the cuts to CASM. However, there are gains in Classical Perfor mance with the announcement of violin, woodwind and guitar specialist positions.

According to the memorandum, many of the losses stem from state government funding cuts to the VET program and the ending of the diploma programs to the tune of $660,000.

In an Adelaide University media release, Shaw contended ‘there have been great changes in the industry and in technolog y’ but ‘little has changed in these programs over the past 15 years’.

Further, the Conser vatorium has ‘not been able to meet its allocated budget in recent years’ and must now operate in a ‘financially responsible’ manner.

Prof Shaw, who has in the past been described as ‘passionate about the arts and music’, insists that standards at the Conser vatorium will rise despite these major losses. Shaw also contends that any staff member made redundant by these plans will be able to apply for any new positions.

Students passed motions of no confidence in both the Head of Music and Prof Shaw on April 14.

Despite this, the University has shown no sign of wavering from the proposal it considers to be a draft.

Around Campus 11

The Sound of Silence: The Bleak Future of Music at Adelaide Uni Authors: Ch arlie Kelso, Phobe Paine, Macintyre Howie Reeves, Anthony Zatorski Photographer: Fergus Kelso

12

As most students are probably aware by now, the University of Adelaide is planning further cuts to programs and staff particularly within the Faculty of Arts.

is no substitute for solo vocal training, yet neither the Head of Voice nor the Director of the Conser vatorium has been able to guarantee regular, ongoing one-to-one solo tuition for Voice students.

What is particularly distressing for the vocal students is the lack of justification by the University for the specific elimination of Voice Perfor mance. Despite requests made to both the Director and the Executive Dean, nothing has been clarified at the time of writing regarding what the future curriculum for voice students will be if these proposals are implemented. Further more, at a meeting with students on Monday, May 11, the Head of Voice was unable to provide students with any detail regarding the title of the degree they will ultimately receive. It seems likely that students may end up with a specialisation on their parchment they didn’t sign up for.

On Wednesday, May 6, a memorandum by Jennie Shaw, the Executive Dean of the Faculty of Arts, was released outlining drastic changes to the Elder Conser vatorium of Music. The memorandum proposes that ‘Classical Perfor mance will be instrumental only’ and that ‘voice be incorporated into the new portfolio area of Conducting and Ensemble Studies (vocal/choral singing) and into postgraduate coursework studies, with teaching/ workshops potentially being undertaken by visiting national and international experts and industry leaders.’ It also proposes the ‘disestablishment of two Level B voice positions’, i.e. per manent full time and part time staff.

The memorandum thus proposes that Classical Vocal Solo Perfor mance would be completely eliminated, and Voice would be incorporated into Conducting and Ensemble Studies. These areas of music are both valuable, but are in no way interchangeable. Training in choral singing

This is not the first time the conser vatorium has gone under the knife. In Semester 2 of 2014, students lost two teaching weeks while continuing to pay the same fees. Weekly lessons that were once an hour long are now 45 minutes, dance and movement classes were removed from the degree, and vocal perfor mance exam times have been shortened by almost half. Most essential parts of voice training are left for one-to-one teachers to cover. The University’s inability to guarantee regular, ongoing one-to-one solo tuition sug gests that it may be impossible for current or future students to receive adequate preparation for their profession.

The students of the Elder Conser vatorium Classical Voice department have had local, national and international success: two of the four 2014 finalists of the University’s prestigious Beta Sigma Phi Classical Music Awards were students of Classical Voice, one of whom was the overall winner. The students and alumni are integral to

The Sound of Silence 13

and constantly active within the Adelaide arts community, perfor ming in Festival and Fringe shows, professional and amateur opera and theatre productions, music theatre and cabaret shows, concerts, church ser vices, as soloists, in choirs, in charity and fundraising perfor mances, and in teaching singing to children and adults. Graduates have also gone on to study Speech Patholog y.

Nationally and internationally renowned opera singers have studied Classical Vocal Perfor mance at the Con: Sally-Anne Russell, Miriam GordonStewart, Grant Doyle, Gisele Blanchard, Sky Ingram, Greta Bradman, Robert McFarlane, Teresa la Rocca; the list goes on.

Professor Jennie Shaw, the Executive Dean of the Faculty of Arts, says that the revised music programs will ‘become as flexible and diverse as possible…rather than being known for one specialisation such as voice, composition or violin, they will receive a portfolio of skills that are relevant to the challenges and opportunities in the industry in the 21st century’. Ironically, the breadth and variety of achievement by students and graduates of the department are an embodiment of the ‘crossover of skills in areas such as popular music, classical, jazz, perfor mance, teaching, media and multimedia’ (University press release, May 6) that are the stated goal of these changes.

These cuts to the arts are widespread and troubling. For a university which constantly uses its music students to bring it acclaim and funding, this proposal shows an alar ming lack of respect.

Adelaide University uses its choirs in advertising campaigns, broadcasts the yearly Carols on Campus on an international scale, and asks ‘how can music can move us to tears’. Clearly, it is not prepared to give back to the students who willingly give it so much.

The vocal students demand answers from the Director and the Executive Dean. The proposed

14 The Sound of Silence

changes have major ramifications for the quality of vocal tuition they receive. Singing exclusively in a choir can in no way be described as adequate vocal training, even for choral singers. Quality and ongoing one-to-one classical vocal training is vital.

If these changes are implemented, aspiring singers will have to look interstate or internationally for studies, or choose not to study Voice at all. Current students are already discussing which Australian conser vatoria are the best places to continue their studies. Losing classical vocal perfor mance training means losing South Australian singers. The impact this will have on the Adelaide arts community, the reputation of the university, and the international standing of South Australian arts festivals, will be hugely damaging and irreversible.

If the University of Adelaide wants its students to ‘seek light’, we’re going to have to look elsewhere.

The vocal students need the university to support them, and deliver the high quality education that they were promised. Unfortunately, the way things are going for the Adelaide arts scene, it looks like South Australia won’t be the ‘Festival State’ for much longer. If the University of Adelaide wants its students to ‘seek light’, we’re going to have to look elsewhere.

THE

BLUDGER’S GUIDE

TO GROUP ASSIGNMENTS

Author: Matthew Tamlin

In almost ever y university group there are two classes of students. Discipulus Studiosis are the studious ones who carr y the group and actually do work, while Discipulus Parasitus are the bludgers who contribute nothing and sur vive only by association with the for mer. Perhaps you’re that for mer and you want to understand your enemy, or perhaps you’re the latter and want to be better at what you do – in either case, read on for my guide on how to bludge your way through university group assignments.

Plan your holidays according to the assignment deadlines Your group manager (Discipulus Studiosis Dominus) will nor mally assume that everyone in the group will be at uni for the duration of the assignment.

The best way to succeed in life is to challenge assumptions, so do your best to take a holiday whenever you want – preferably as close as possible to the assignment deadline. The best holidays are those which require airfares, because you can claim they’re non-refundable, and thus your hands are tied. Discipulus Studiosis Dominus will probably complain about poor timing, though you shouldn’t let their jealousy ruin your well-deser ved holiday.

Avoid attending group meetings The most essential component of group work is communication. Each group member needs to know the plan for the assignment, so it’s important that the group holds regular meetings. Discipulus Studiosis Dominus might tell you that everyone needs to attend, but really only the people who actually do work need to be there (and you’re not one of them). Don’t feel obliged to let anyone know you aren’t coming; your group will take it for granted. If for some reason you do decide to attend a meeting, make sure you arrive late: your interruption will provide some much-needed spontaneity, and force the group to catch you up on the parts of the meeting you missed. Missing meetings or turning up late can be easily excused by claiming you were never infor med of the plans to start with.

Conveniently lose emails Email is a great way to keep everyone in the loop, so expect Discipulus Studiosis Dominus to send out regular emails containing vital infor mation. For your sake, it’s better to not even read them and delete them as soon as you receive them. This way, you can claim you never received them and therefore have plausible deniability. If you’re asked why you didn’t complete your section in time, your answer is always, ‘I never got the email.’

The Bludger’s Guide to Group Assignments 15

Always reference incorrectly Using standard referencing styles isn’t actually important, as markers only briefly look over your reference list to make sure you have some.

Don’t waste your time for matting or making sure your references have complete infor mation, just paste a URL into the footer. Discipulus Studiosis Dominus might insist that you to use a particular referencing guide, but this complaint is just a thinly veiled attempt to satisfy their obsessive desire for consistency. Secretly, they actually enjoy for matting and completing your references at 3am, so you’ll be doing them a favour by referencing incorrectly.

Make things difficult for others Discipulus Studiosis Dominus will probably ask you to use a template for your documents. I cannot stress this enough: DO NOT USE THE TEMPLATE! The template forces everyone in the group to for mat their documents consistently, and once you start for matting your document consistently, you start referencing consistently; once you start referencing consistently, you start actually contributing to the group. I would recommend using the default Microsoft Word template for your own work and using as many headings as you can. Change the alignment occasionally and make sure all your images are not in line with the text. Don’t caption your images either: it’s much easier to let someone else do a reverse image search to find the reference for you. If you make your document as convoluted as possible, then Discipulus Studiosis Dominus will be too busy fixing everything to realise you’ve just paraphrased Wikipedia.

Revert any changes to your work Discipulus Studiosis Dominus always thinks they have the right to modify other people’s work. It’s completely unacceptable that someone else would change your work, regardless of how poorly written it is. If your group decides to use collaborative editing tools such as Google Drive or Microsoft Word Online, you have the advantage of being able to see their changes in real time. Show Discipulus Studiosis Dominus your dissatisfaction by reverting any changes as soon as they make them. If they complain that your work isn’t up to scratch, just threaten to give them a bad peer review if they don’t stop changing things.

16 The Bludger’s Guide to Group Assignments

Give ever yone else a bad peer review anyway If you have the option to submit a peer review, make sure to award yourself as many points as you can. Graduate positions are very competitive, so you’ll need every mark you can get to put you on top. By the time your group realises your trickery, it will be too late; you’ll be earning big while they’re still moping around job fairs.

Lie about anything and ever ything Success as Discipulus Parasitus rests on your ability to convincingly lie about anything. Elim Garak once said ‘Lying is a skill like any other, and if you want to maintain a level of excellence you must practice constantly.’ Take these words on board and see every conversation as an opportunity to practice. When Discipulus Studiosis Dominus asks you why you didn’t complete your section of the report, say that your mother has taken ill with some horrid disease. If asked why you wrote a short poem instead of a literature review, pretend you have approval from the lecturer to do so. If you’re ever caught in a lie, just think of another lie to cover it up.

Conclusion Now that you’ve read my guide you should understand how Discipulus Parasitus thinks.

Being Discipulus Parasitus ultimately boils down maintaining poor communication with your group; avoiding doing work wherever possible or doing work incorrectly; giving yourself more credit than you deser ve; and lying to your group at all times.

Remember these tips and you’ll be well on your way to becoming Discipulus Parasitus Dominus.

P.S. If you try this in a workplace, you’ll probably get fired.

Author: Grace Denne y

An Arsenal of Advice for the Unsuspecting Reader And Soon-To-Be Unwilling Exam Sitting Student 17

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it was not the age of wisdom, but the age of foolishness. It was the epoch of staying up until dawn cramming; the season of bleary eyes and floods of memes posted to Overheard at the University of Adelaide, a winter of despair; the seven stages of death/ grief occurring within the hour prior to the start (and due date) of your final assignment.

And so it was, and always will be, that the smell of pea straw and something vaguely like sheep shit shall blanket Wayville, that one unfortunate savvy soul shall smash their bottle of VOS water, that old m9 shall curtly infor m us Maths has left an equation off the paper again – all of these things a reminder that you are but fodder for the system to lure in, mangle and spit out a new being.

But fear not – for now you are ar med with a decent list that will provide approximately 4.35 minutes of procrastination. If you so choose to tick something off the following list, many more minutes will follow, until you realise you’re up shit creek. And when you do, don’t blame me because I’ll be sur vival backstroking right past you on my way to a fountain of tears. This is exams.

PICTURES CAME A N D BR O K E YO U R H E A RT Like listening to Hit107fm whilst working at your menial job, or facebook stalking your ex’s suspected new fling, there comes a point where you have to stop or else question what you’ve become. This is where you pause the study and hit play on your new addiction: Netflix (and Youtube). You need to be picky with what you choose – becoming addicted to House of Cards or True Detective requires a lot of attention and thought. So, for frothy, lighthearted lols I lay my cards flat to you by way of: •

Parks and Recreation (Nick Offer man, aka Ron, also has a Vimeo series called My Tales of W hisky. Excellent.)

•

Freaks and Geeks

•

Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee

If you love any of the above, you will most likely enjoy Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt – a new comedy written by Tina Fey which follows the life of a woman who is freed from an underground cult and let loose in Manhattan to begin a new life. Even if you’re awake until 3am with toothpicks to prevent your eyes from sealing shut in slumber, it’ll all be worth it for the motivation you’ll receive by way of Kimmy’s life lessons, and her sassy friend Titus with his household bucket of glitter and hilariously ridiculous lines.

18 How to Exam

Is it w orth it ?

Le mm e W or k it Aside from spending your time avoiding study by serial watching TV shows and munging on handfuls of the closest carbohydrate, may I sug gest acquiring a vice. If you have one already, excellent! Now, I’m not talking about criminal exploitation here nor a horrible 80s cop show in Miami featuring two dudes in slouchy suits. I’m also not sug gesting you increase your cigarette intake from ten to 100 per day. Instead, pick an activity that’s your weakness and exploit it. If you already have a guilty pleasure, put your thing down, flip it and reverse it. I love to cook: exam time enhances this. My study breaks become a challenge – I create edible goods in an allotted time slot. These goods are then distributed to friends or other guinea pigs (housemates), resulting in collateral procrastination and the addition of absolutely nothing to my academia. It’s a win/win. If you like running, actually take the time out to run. If you (still) like reading, pick up a book you’ve been wanting to read for ages and take a break. If you can’t stand being indoors, make sure you get out for a walk or a drive. It’s important to get away from the madness of studying and take some “you” time, otherwise you run the risk of burning out – and ain’t nobody got time for a Britney circa ‘07. #realtalk

Exams turn us all into weapons of mass consumption: of printing, paper, liquid energ y, data and takeaway goods.

E AT I T , J U S T E AT I T Exams turn us all into weapons of mass consumption: of printing, paper, liquid energ y, data and takeaway goods.

If you’ve eaten yourself out of two-minute noodles, cookies, procrastibaked cakes, hunks of cheese and even the old bit of wilted spinach lurking at the back of the fridge – head down to the O’Connell St Bakery in North Adelaide. Open 24/7, this institution is usually the haunt of beer fuelled college kids at 3am or tradies on a morning smoko break. Upon further reflection however, it is the ideal place to tuck into some sugary, crumbly, diabetes inducing goodness when it’s 1am and you are Kim K ugly-crying in your room and singing “What About Me” to a pile of crumbs.

The bakery, or “Thicky Wicky Warehouse”, is exceptionally good for it’s icy, milky beverages too – with the milk/thick shakes ser ved in super big 90s cups with abstract print on them. Food/ Thicky Wicky = sugar high + endorphins + momentary stress relief + fuel for “studying”.

AT H T O T K N I R D (EY EY) I reveal my last tip for sur viving exams with some hesitation. This is to be used only in an emergency.

It’s your phone-a-friend. It’s a helping hand, but arguably more in the vein of Scar (exams) to Mufasa (you), and it comes in the for m of an establishment down the far away, forgotten end of Gouger St – La Sing Karaoke Bar. If you’re blue, bruised and broken, pick yourself up. Trade your thinking cap for your novelty helmet with the drink holders someone gave you for your 18th, and croon yourself into a state of bliss as a disco ball and blue/red lighting sets the mood. Gather a group and sing “The Wall” together in the ultimate upyours to exams. And when you finally fall out of a taxi on your doorstep at 4am, at least you’ll know you didn’t fail at something – the crowds at La Sing are always supportive, and with a seemingly endless supply of spring rolls accompanied by sweet chilli sauce on their way to your table, it’d be rude not to at least half-heartedly sing along to “Stacey’s Mom”.

Guides 19

HUMANS OF

ADELAIDE UNIVERSITY

1) Watching re-runs of The Mindy Project.

2) Camping in Queenstown.

3) Rihanna singing “Umbrella” with the Klaxons at the Brit Awards.

4) Be more compassionate.

5) Misog yny.

Masya Art History

6) Leave the country.

1) Z: I don’t really get too stressed.

M: When it comes to stress I’m like Teflon.

2) Z: Making a movie. M: Travelling, I’d like to see more of Australia

3) M: Something I just posted to Zac’s wall last night actually.

Youtube: “Get Your Hands Off My Penis!”

4) Z: I really like my Chinese politics lecturer.

He has a great delivery style. I just wish he wasn’t teaching politics because the content is pretty boring.

5) M: People trying to hand me flyers outside the Hub. Z: Same.

6) M: More knighthoods. Z: Definitely. Give out knighthoods to everybody. Don’t stop until it’s cheapened.

Matt & Zac (left to right) Avionics & Media

1) I go for walks.

2) Eating probably. (We inter rupted him) 3) An awful X-Factor audition by a completely untalented person singing “Tonight I’m Loving You”.

4) Oh god. So many. I would like them to be more approachable.

5) The Hub. It’s too crowded, and people Luca Arts (Advanced)

20 Humans of Adelaide University

always interrupt my studies.

6) Give money to the Classics Department.

1) 2) 3) 4) 5) 6)

How do you c op e with stress?

If you c ould b e doing anything els e right now, what would you b e doing?

Best and weirdest thing you ever saw on Youtub e One thing to change ab out a le cturer One thing to eliminate from campus for go o d If you c ould b e Warren Bebbington or Tony Abb ott for a day, what would b e the first thing you would do?

Ro: By procrastinating. I like to play the piano.

1) Ca: I rarely get stressed. Re: I don’t cope, I curl up into a ball.

2) Ro: On a tropical island with a cocktail. C: I’d be with Rose. Re: That sounds pretty good.

3) Ro: Cat videos, by far.

4 ) C:

A lecturer once dressed as Gandalf.

That was great, lecturers should dress up.

Ro: A clear voice is always good.

Re: Should provide a dessert buffet.

5) Ro: The people that stand outside trying to get Caitlin, Rose & Renee (left to right)

you to become a protestor with them C: Same, they get on my ner ves.

Re: Trying to think of something else that is worse than that; I’ve got nothing.

6) Ro: Jump off a cliff. C: If I were Tony Abbott, 1)

I’d apologise for the budgie smug gler incident. Re: If I were Tony, I’d quit politics and become a mime.

I have two dogs so I take them for a walk. It makes me feel better.

2) Sleeping. Yep. 3)

A weird animation of a man with a cat between his butt cheeks.

4) Some lectures can be a bit mundane, I

suppose some could spice things up a bit.

5)

More study spaces, because the Hub is always busy.

6)

Stop the deregulation. The Socialist Alternative will love me for that. Oh, and I’d add napping stations.

Hayley Health Science

1) I let it get overwhelming.

2) Writing a book, either fantasy or adventure.

Alex Commerce

3)

This girl had one of those long ballons, it was extremely long, and....

Youtube: “Friends Balloon Party Trick”

4)

More course specific things in their lectures

5) 6)

I wouldn’t change a thing.

Ask the people what they want.

Around Campus 21

Art

THE

OF

Author: Ovidius Secundus My dear disciples in love, your companionless days are over. Soon you’ll no longer sit outside Campos drinking coffee alone; you’ll no longer walk through the Hub surrounded by beautiful people with your heart in your mouth; and you’ll no longer year n to be one half of that dashing couple on the Barr Smith lawns, hands held tight, passionately making out.

To find love, all you need are a few words of advice from a very sage lover. (Sadly I am not referring to myself, but to a veritable love rascal two millennia old called Ovid.) Ovid, a Roman poet, wrote one of the most famous handbooks for the aspiring lover: a poem called Art of Love. This poem offered a practical guide to finding and wooing a partner, and answered the question young dreamers have forever asked: how does one snatch the fleeting dress of Love? Today we have entire websites and organisations dedicated to this conquest, but perhaps we need look no further than Ovid’s poem.

With this in mind, I, your philandering Latinist on campus, am going to translate some Ovidian advice for you, my star-crossed lovers, so that your lonely hearts may be made whole.

Be patient; the net of love is wide, and while a few may slip through, the ‘one’ will eventually be entangled in love as much as you are.

22 The Art of Love

Look in the right places Ovid says: frequens quo sit disce puella loco.

(Lear n where the girls [or guys] hang out.)

In one of my rare appearances at a social gathering, I overheard the dialogue between two delightful young ladies. ‘Why can’t I ever find a nice guy?’ one asked, ‘I go out every week and they’re all sleazebags.’ To which the other replied, ‘That’s because, sweetie, nice guys don’t go to clubs.’ To be perfectly frank I am yet to enter one of these nocturnal establishments, and accordingly I speak on this matter assisted only by rumour. Clearly it’s important to choose your hunting ground wisely.

For your ideal girl or guy you should look in the places he or she is likely to frequent, rather than the places they wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.

Libraries, I have found, make excellent places for meeting intelligent and amiable souls. Although these bookish types often move eagerly to the next aisle whenever I greet them in my cordial manner, I am sure that if they weren’t in such an obvious rush they’d be thrilled to accompany me for an exquisite brew of coffee.

My dear disciples in love, you are fortunate enough to be in the perfect territory to find your lover.

Look up from this copy of On Dit and around the university campus. You are surrounded by

...your kind words will heighten your lover’s emotions and hor mones. More than might or stature, words are Cupid’s real arrows. smart, humane individuals. Do not bother yourself with the seedy and dubious establishments along the notorious Hindley St. Waste no time ogling beautiful birds and bronzed bucks at your local pub or aforementioned nightclub. Instead, look around your tutorial rooms (without assuming a creepy aspect); perhaps the young scientist/ mathematician/writer in the corner is your soulmate.

Learn to Brush your teeth Ovid says: nec male odorati sit tristis anhelitus oris: / nec laedat naris virque paterque gregis.

(Don’t let your unfortunate mouth’s breath reek; and [smelling] as a man or billy-goat don’t let it offend others’ nostrils.)

Unfortunately, in my short life I have caught enough wrong ends of the stick to build the wrong end of an entire forest. One recent problem since my pubescent days (God, help me forget them) has been sweating. Let it be known that I carry around a heavy odour wherever I go. Yes, your face, screwed up and repulsed by the dreadful stench, says it all. But rest assured that I am able to mask this smell with various cans of antiperspirants (as I often do); deodorant is a godsend for people such as me. As long as you smell like a goat, getting a date will be troublesome. Promptly visit your local super market and purchase several cans of deodorant, various sweet-smelling perfumes, a toothbrush, tins of Eclipse mints, and a few toothpicks.

In a perfect world, a true lady or gentlemen should overlook a good person’s odour, however repugnant. Surely kindness should cover a flaw as simple as smelling bad? Alas, this world is not perfect; and if a lady or gentleman cannot endure standing within twenty feet of you, what chance do you have of showing them your lovely personality (and of course your straight teeth)?

Use beautiful and coaxing words Ovid says: cera vadum temptet, rasis infusa tabellis: / cera tuae primum conscia mentis eat. / blanditias ferat illa tuas imitataque amantem / verba; nec exiguas, quisquis es, adde preces.

(Let wax, poured on and shaping your writing tablets, test the crossing; let wax go first to share your mind. Let that car r y your compliments and words reflecting the lover ; and whoever you are, add rich prayers.)

If anything is to be learnt from your time at university, it should be this: do not be slovenly with your words. However horribly your English teacher croaked them in school, words are beautiful. When used genuinely and thoughtfully they tug softly at the chords of the human heart. Therefore, use as many as possible. You don’t need to be a great orator; you don’t need to speak eloquently or poetically. But you must speak kindly, for your kind words will heighten your lover’s emotions and hor mones. More than might or stature, words are Cupid’s real arrows.

Take courage in yourself

Ovid says: audentem Forsque Venusque iuvat.

(Fortune and Venus favour the brave.)

Remember above all that Venus, goddess of love, and I, your philandering teacher, support you.

Everyone deser ves to love and to be loved. Of course, I cannot guarantee that this list will ensnare your lover the first season. Be patient; the net of love is wide, and while a few may slip through, the ‘one’ will eventually be entangled in love as much as you are. Draw courage from the goodness of your heart and personality. Let your smile radiate and your kindness show itself in little deeds. Be brave, my young lover, and Venus will be with you.

For the full Art of Love, please visit the Classics section in the Barr Smith Library. There are at least three copies and I believe I am the only one to have touched them in the last decade.

Guides 23

Revealing Seven Secrets of Harry Potter

Author: Mandy Li

Ar twork: Viray Thach

Seven books, seven Horcruxes, seven Weasleys – and now, seven things you may not have noticed while reading the tricksy Har r y Potter series.

WA R N I N G : Massive spoilers ahead. If you haven’t read the books or seen the movies, I sug gest you skip this ar ticle. Granted, you’ve probably come across most of these spoilers already.

If you haven’t, then I applaud your ninja-like skills, especially if you’ve been on that dangerous place called the ‘inter net’, which is – to quote one wonderfully-eloquent friend – ‘A C E S S P O O L O F S P O I L E R S WA I T I N G T O FA L L I N T O YO U R E Y E BA L L S ’ .

24 Aparecium! Revealing Seven Hidden Things in Harry Potter

A F U RT H E R N OT E : Some of these obser vations are my own; others I picked up from discussions and research. And no, I wasn’t just randomly researching Har r y Potter – I’m doing my Honours thesis on it, so I have an excuse.

1. The Incredible Symmetry of the Series Book one corresponds to book seven, two to six, three to five, and four sits in the middle. How? •

•

Books One and Seven: This correspondence is the most straightforward. Baby Harry defeats Voldemort in the first book, and adolescent Harry finishes him off in the last; mouldy Voldy just didn’t know when to give up. It’s also been pointed out that we first meet ‘Albus’ at the beginning and end of the series. Albus Dumbledore makes his first appearance in the first chapter of Philosopher’s Stone, while Harry’s son, Albus Potter, first appears in the epilogue of Deathly Hallows. This ties in beautifully with Dumbledore’s message on the Snitch: ‘I open at the close’.

Books Two and Six: There are so many parallels here, I’ve heard Half-Blood Prince labelled a rewriting of Chamber of Secrets. Both feature a book with an evil influence (Tom Riddle’s diary and Snape’s Potions book) and both reveal more about Voldemort’s past as plain old ‘Tom Riddle’. Additionally, objects and characters first mentioned in book two only appear again as plot devices in book six (like the Hand of Glory, Vanishing Cabinet, and Aragog). Consider Aragog, our giant arachnid friend: he’s introduced in book two, in which we discover he was used to cover up one of Voldemort’s secrets. Aragog and Hagrid took the blame for the attacks fifty years ago, so nobody realised that it was Voldemort who’d opened the Chamber of Secrets, unleashing the Basilisk. But in book six, Aragog is used to reveal one of Voldemort’s secrets: the giant

spider’s funeral gives Harry the chance to acquire Slughorn’s true memory, which proves Voldemort created Horcruxes in pursuit of immortality.

•

Books Three and Five: Book Three: enter Sirius.

Book Five: exit Sirius. In Prisoner of Azkaban, Sirius breaks all of the rules and defies the evil presence at Hogwarts (Dementors), while the authorities refuse to believe that he’s innocent. In Order of the Phoenix, Harry breaks all of the rules (mainly by for ming a secret resistance group) and defies the evil presence at Hogwarts (Umbridge); the authorities refuse to believe that he’s telling the truth about Voldemort’s return. Now that Harry’s stepped into his reckless godfather’s shoes, Sirius isn’t needed anymore – thus, he vanishes forever behind death’s curtain.

•

Book Four: Goblet of Fire marks a major tonal shift in the series’ plot. It contains the first major death (Cedric’s), and from here the death toll keeps climbing – Voldemort’s back, and this time for real. Also note that this is the first book to substantially move beyond Hogwarts: it opens with the Quidditch World Cup, and goes on to introduce characters from other wizarding schools, Dur mstrang and Beauxbatons. The battle between good and evil starts to grow, soon engulfing the whole wizarding world.

2. Snape’s Coded Confession In Philosopher’s Stone, Snape’s first words to Harry are: ‘What would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?’

Maybe Snape’s just being his usual snarky self, trying to humiliate Harry in front of the class when he can’t give the correct answer. But is there a hidden message in his question, perhaps?

‘Wormwood’ is associated with bitterness and

death. ‘Asphodel’ used to be classed as a lily, and is associated with both regret and death – the Asphodel Meadows are part of the Ancient Greek underworld. Bitterness, regret, lily, death.

Perceptive fans have translated this to: ‘I bitterly reg ret Lily’s death’ – turns out we didn’t need to wait until book seven to realise the truth about Snape’s love for Harry’s mother!

Article 25

3. Harry, an Amalgam of Heroes We all know that J. K. Rowling likes to borrow from old legends and myths, so it’s no surprise that Harry’s adventures sometimes echo those of past heroes. Remember how he manages to pull the Sword of Gryffindor out of the Sorting Hat in Chamber of Secrets because he’s a ‘true Gryffindor’ – does this remind you of a certain ‘true king’ who pulls a sword from a stone?

the Golden Fleece guarded by a dragon, while Harry (with the help of his magic broomstick) retrieves the golden eg g guarded by its own ferocious dragon, the Hungarian Horntail. Like the ancient hero Theseus, Harry finds his way through a labyrinth, but instead of facing the Minotaur (half-man, half-bull), he’s drag ged into a confrontation with Voldemort (who’s more like half-man, half-snake). On the way, he solves a sphinx’s riddle à la Theban King Oedipus – though without Oedipus’ problems, thank the gods!

Further more, book four’s Triwizard Tournament may be read as a series of mythical Ancient Greek quests in miniature. Jason of the Argonauts (with the help of the enchantress Medea) retrieves

4. Interesting Meanings Behind Names The characters of Har r y Potter have been given very appropriate names. You probably already know the stories behind some of them (like Remus Lupin the wolfy werewolf), but here are three you may have missed: •

Voldemort: In French, vol de mort means ‘flight of death’ or ‘flight from death’. These phrases aptly describe Voldemort’s fondness of flying around and bringing death with him, as well as his efforts to achieve immortality.

•

Quirinus Quirrell: Quirrell’s first name (not widely known) is Quirinus – as in Janus Quirinus, the Roman god with two faces.

Quite appropriate for a character who is both figuratively and literally two-faced!

•

Her mione: Apparently, J. K. Rowling chose this name for its uncommonness: she was afraid real girls might get bullied if they happened to share the character’s name, bushy hair, and large front teeth. The name was taken from The W inter’s Tale, a Shakespearean play in which the Sicilian queen Her mione dies, but a statue of her later comes to life.

Some commentators have linked this to Her mione Granger’s petrification by the Basilisk (and her subsequent recovery).

5. Dumbledore, the Master of Manipulation Dumbledore may be the most compassionate leader in the series, but people often don’t realise that he’s also the greatest manipulator – which just goes to show how we’ve been manipulated!

Throughout the books, Dumbledore moulds Harry into exactly the hero he wants him to be.

He pretends that Harry has a choice – Oh, you could always walk away from all this – but you won’t, will you – but even after his death, Dumbledore continues to control Harry, Ron, and Her mione’s journey through the items bequeathed to them in his will.

Consider the Resurrection Stone he leaves to Harry. Dumbledore keeps this sealed in a Snitch to prevent our hero from getting distracted and summoning his dead parents – that is, until Harry finds out he must join them, at which point the

Snitch finally opens. The stone is used to give him the strength to sacrifice himself; after seeing the shades of James, Lily, Remus, and Sirius, Harry is meant to be comforted by the thought of reuniting with them (as Dumbledore later implies at the purgatorial King’s Cross Station).

This is not to say that Dumbledore is a wicked person. Far from it – he’s just doing what needs to be done ‘FOR THE GREATER GOOD’. Of course, his perception of ‘the greater good’ has changed for the better since his days as a misguided youth, when he first created that slogan. Ultimately, Dumbledore’s manipulation, however questionable, is what wins the war against Voldemort.

26 Aparecium! Revealing Seven Hidden Things in Harry Potter

6. A Sneaky Sexual Innuendo After J. K. Rowling revealed that Dumbledore is gay, this fact’s low visibility in the books caused many fan’s disappointment, partially stemming from the worrying lack of LGBT representation in fiction generally. An obvious indication of Dumbledore’s sexuality would have made a more powerful statement, but Rowling opted instead for using subtle signs, including some pertaining to Dumbledore’s relationship with dark wizard Grindelwald.

The cheekiest innuendo comes from Rita Skeeter, that pesky journalist and biographer of Dumbledore’s life. Referring to the famous duel between Dumbledore and Grindelwald, she slyly says, ‘After they’ve read my book, people may be forced to conclude that Grindelwald simply conjured a white handkerchief from the end of his wand and came quietly!’ … Well played, Rowling. Well played.

7. A Horcrux Per Book You could say that each Horcrux loosely matches up to a book in the series. I may be clutching at straws, but you can decide for yourself.

•

Book One – Harr y: Okay, technically all the books are about Harry. But this is where Harry makes his debut and finds out what a special little wizarding snowflake he is.

•

Book Two – Nagini: Nagini the Snake: Voldemort has a thing for using oversized snakes to do the dirty work for him and who dominate this book’s plot.

•

Book Three – Slytherin’s Locket: The locket is a family heirloom, connecting Voldemort to his Slytherin ancestry. Prisoner of Azkaban focuses on Harry learning more about his own family history and legacy (especially about James and the Marauders).

•

Book Four – Huff lepuff ’s Cup: Voldemort turns the Triwizard Cup into a Portkey, just as he turned Hufflepuff ’s Cup into a Horcrux. Since Harry wasn’t meant to be a Triwizard competitor in the first place, Cedric of Hufflepuff should have been the sole winner. Hence, in a way, the Triwizard Cup is ‘Hufflepuff ’s Cup’.

•

Book Five – The Lost Diadem of Ravenclaw: The diadem represents wisdom and, by

extension, knowledge. In this book, we meet the Ravenclaw Luna Lovegood, that delightful fount of unconventional wisdom. The book also shows how a lack of knowledge can lead to disaster. Harry is first kept in the dark about the Order of the Phoenix, then about the prophecy, and he’s given false infor mation by Kreacher; these last two result in Sirius’s tragic death, leaving the absence of true knowledge (mirroring the long absence of the lost diadem) most keenly felt here.

•

Book Six – Tom Riddle’s Diar y: Much of the book is centred on unlocking Voldemort’s past through the Pensieve, which acts like a diary, allowing access to other characters’ memories.

•

Book Seven – Mar volo Gaunt’s Ring: Since the ring is set with the Resurrection Stone, it embodies both Hallow and Horcrux. This book foregrounds the overlapping quests for the Horcruxes and the Hallows. Further more, Harry himself is a Horcrux and (briefly) becomes the possessor of all the Hallows, and therefore Master of Death. Ultimately, he throws off these statuses in order to achieve peace, both for himself and for the world at large.

Well, we’ve come to the end of my list. I hope you’ve discovered something about the series you didn’t know before – but there must be at least another seven thousand things this article hasn’t mentioned. Maybe next time you’re rereading Har r y Potter, you could cast your own Revealing Char m and find more hidden gems!

Article 27

DREAMS AND

NIGHT MARES Author: Tash Loh Artwork: Sarah Boese

28 Dreams and Nightmares

Witchcraft, divination, pseudoscience. Call it what you will, but there’s no doubt that dreams and nightmares are a psychological phenomenon that can provide us with valuable insight into our subconscious. It doesn’t take a genius, witch or prophet to figure out that if you’re having a recurring nightmare about your uni textbook falling from a 37-storey building and squashing you flat, you’re probably harbouring a bit of stress over exams.

But before you science-and-proof types exasperatedly flip the page in search of some real study tips, hear me out.

The subconscious mind is a beautiful thing. In the lead up to exams and assignment crunch time, your brain will be heavily focussed towards one goal: study (aka how many hours of Netflix you can watch before you experience a procrastinationinduced breakdown). While consciously attempting to fill every last inch of your head with the most miniscule details from the footnotes of that one recommended reading, your subconscious mind is taking note of your emotional state and your current environment. It tries to send you important messages about your state of wellbeing when your thoughts are quietest: in dreams.

Dreams and nightmares can give you a muchneeded wakeup call when your stress levels are at their highest. Rather than letting your dreams and nightmares drift off with your sleep-induced haze as you fall further and further awake, it may be time to start paying attention to your inner thoughts and analyse some recurring themes that may be popping up repeatedly while you’re in dreamland.

Exam-based dreams are relatively straightforward to decipher. To dream about failing your exam sug gests that you might be aiming too high; there’s probably something you won’t be able to accomplish. Take another look at your goals and have a long, hard think about what you really want to achieve at the end of your exams. If the thought

The fear induced by these nightmares often translates into our waking lives, making it difficult to remain in the present and focus on the real problems at hand. of missing your goals stresses you out to the point that you’re finding it difficult to concentrate, maybe you should set a few smaller, more manageable goals. It’s much easier to succeed when you wholeheartedly believe it’s possible.

Nightmares can be a truly traumatising experience that extends long after childhood. Your brain is trying to send you an urgent message by tapping into one of the most powerful emotions we experience – fear. Rather than focus on the fear you’re left with after the nightmare, try to zoom in on the details of the nightmare. Understanding these details will give you valuable insight into the deeper problems you’re facing in your waking life.

Chronic nightmares are often an indication of a trauma you’ve experienced, whether in the past or present day. The fear induced by these nightmares often translates into our waking lives, making it difficult to remain in the present and focus on the real problems at hand. Embracing this fear and addressing your subconscious emotions is the best way to banish recurring nightmares and get yourself into a healthy state of mind.

Understanding the messages your brain is trying to send you through your dreams is a vital key in tapping into your subconscious and solving problems that may be affecting your waking life.

However, we cannot rely solely on our dreamstate to solve all of our emotional and spiritual problems. In the words of Albus Dumbledore: ‘It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.’

It’s important to listen to your body when you’re experiencing such high levels of stress and emotions. Take note of your emotions, your subconscious thoughts, and the environment around you. Take a few deep breaths and remember that a good night’s sleep can often work wonders.

Guides 29

Six

Things

Sleep

You Wish You Knew About

Are you waking up tired and unrefreshed in the mid-ter m assessment rush? Do you wake up tired and unrefreshed? Do you get to 3pm in the after noon and crave a nap?

If you answered “yes” to the above questions, you’re not alone. Sleep is a mysterious thing: everyone wants it, but only some can get it in its purest for m. When you have just the right amount, you feel like you can accomplish just about anything – but when you don’t have enough, your brain is fuzzy, your concentration is poor and your ability to perfor m is significantly reduced.

When it comes to exam time, it’s important to get your sleep-levels right in order to have your brain functioning at optimal levels. Here’s how to get it right.

Veto phones in bed.

Our generation are probably the worst when it comes to this. On minute you’re “just checking Facebook quickly”… and suddenly you’ve spent 45 minutes lying in bed with a bright white light shining in your face – not good. This applies for laptops and tablets too. Our bodies are programmed to respond to bright light by thinking it’s the sun in the morning, and hence becoming more alert.

Conversely, darkness helps our bodies shut down and realise it’s night (and thus time for sleep).

Turn down the lights 30-45 minutes before bed time.

Again, this comes down to our body’s inherent wiring. When it’s dark, you feel sleepy; if it’s bright, you wake up. So, turn off all ceiling lights and use only a bedside lamp. The rule applies for loud music – turn it down.

30 Six Things You Wish You Knew About Sleep

Author: Claudia J anowski Artwork: Sarah Boese

Follow a shut-down routine.

Having a regular bedtime routine is an incredibly under-utilised tool for good sleep. It works through classical mental conditioning: you train yourself to subconsciously associate certain actions with bed time, thereby becoming sleepy by habit. A good example of this is dimming the lights at 9.30pm, packing up your homework and getting yourself organised for the next day, then taking a shower at 10.00pm; after your shower you put on your pyjamas, read for a while, then go to sleep. Doing this daily (adjusting the times to suit you) can ser ve as a useful way to teach your body to relax and prepare for a good night’s sleep.

If you can’t sleep after 20 minutes, do something else.

Lying awake tossing and turning is bad: instead of your bed being a comfortable and relaxing place, it becomes a source of frustration and anxiety. If you find yourself lying in bed and feel as though it’s been longer than 20 minutes and nothing is happening, get out of bed and do something else!

There is no point in lying there and stressing yourself out. Leave your bedroom, do some light stretches, try some meditation or attempt some relaxing breathing. When you start to feel sleepy, try going to bed again. If you still can’t fall asleep after another 20 minutes, repeat as required.

Avoid caffeinated drinks (and foods) after lunch time.

Caffeine can take up to 45 minutes for the onset of action to occur, and then 3-7 hours to reach its half-life. Some people can have a coffee at 3.30pm, a few pieces of chocolate at 8.00pm after dinner and think their caffeine levels are fine, when in reality they are much higher than realised.

Aside from keeping you awake, caffeine also has a diuretic effect, meaning your body will lose more water in urine: consequently, you may find yourself even waking up in the dark of night to make trips to the porcelain throne. Aside from the obvious coffee and energ y drinks, other sources of caffeine include fizzy drinks, chocolate, alcoholic energ y drinks and various types of tea – give them a miss.

Deal with your problems before you go to bed.

Okay, there’s no magic pill that will do this for you. But there are some simple steps you can take to feel better: •

During the day, work from a to-do list prioritising your most important tasks. Avoid virtual to-do lists on your iPhone; it’s easy to add too many jobs and overwhelm yourself.

Instead, try using a piece of A4 paper folded in half four times, as you can only concentrate on 2-3 realistically important tasks per day.

•

Talk to a friend. Sometimes a good friend with an open ear is all it takes to help you feel better.

•

Research how people have handled similar problems. You can draw on their experiences to resolve your situation.

•

Have a mentor on whom you can rely.

Knowing someone who has succeeded in the area in which you too are trying to succeed can be infinitely useful. This person may be a student in the year above you, someone who plays the same sport as you, or simply someone with great money habits.

All this may sound like shouldn’t let feeling tired take some trial and error you, but sleep is ultimately

a tall order, but you be your nor m. It will to see what works for worth it. Sweet dreams!

Disclaimer : This general information is not intended to diagnose any medical condition or to replace your healthcare professional.

Guides 31

BECOMING

OFFICIAL Author: Chelsea All en

32

We live in a society where ever ything is broadcasted: what we had for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, who we saw during the day, what we look like before we go to out partying, and what we do when we get home at the end of the night.

We leave few details unknown to our followers, whether they be friends, family, mere acquaintances, or even people whom we have never met before.

This younger generation of high school and university students have grown up with technolog y and social media. If there were a guidebook written about how to broadcast yourself online and make yourself look as good as possible, it’d be written by them.

Of course, everybody knows that one of the first things we look for when we add someone on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, Tumblr (and the list goes on) is their relationship status.

Maybe they’re someone we’ve met through a friend of a friend, or they’re in one of your classes. No matter how you know them, when you find them online, you search for that little blue heart on their Facebook page. And, if it’s there, you stalk their partner too. Don’t deny it, we all do it.

The unfiltered posts that we make when we first sign up for social media could be what encourage this desire to tell everybody who we’re dating.

Remember when you were in high school and almost all you would see on the Facebook newsfeed was your friends starting (and ending) relationships?

For some people, this was a lot more frequent, and it seemed to be that the younger they were, the more relationships they got into. It was a way of showing everybody you were mature and capable of the challenges relationships throw at you.

Nowadays, or perhaps as we have grown up, we tend to be more secretive about who we’re seeing.

We’ve come to the realisation that it’s unnecessary to broadcast every detail of our lives. We’re discreet and we handle life in a more considered manner.

Because in the end, do we really need to tell everybody who we’re dating? If so, why do they need to know? Is it more for ourselves than for our friends and family? Perhaps it’s a way of showing

off we’ve scored someone special and feeling good about how many people click the like button on our new relationship status?

Many couples now wait until they are several weeks or months into their committed relationship before they post anything about it online. This is a sign of our generation accepting that yes, not every relationship gets past the honeymoon stage.

It’s a safety net of sorts, where it doesn’t matter when you break up, because no one except your close friends and family knew about it in the first place.

Then again, one of the first things people ask when you mention in passing conversation you have a partner is ‘Are you Facebook official?’ You know what I’m talking about, in that almost teasing voice with a cheeky grin playing on their lips. It makes you slightly angry, so much so that you wonder why that’s even a question. Why don’t they ask you about your partner? Is he or she kind to you? Do you feel like you’re on a pedestal? Are you happy together? No, those questions more often than not come after ‘are you Facebook official?’

So, why do people make their relationship status public? Is there anything wrong with keeping it to yourselves? I asked several peers about their opinion on becoming Facebook official, and received a mixed response: ‘I feel like there’s this feeling that when people don’t make it Facebook official, they are ashamed of their partner, or they’re hiding it so that they can get with other people. ’ ‘I think Facebook official is becoming less significant nowadays. It feels more official when you talk to your partner about it and just announce it to your close friends.’

‘I don’t think people ever have to be Facebook official if they don’t want to. Although, it kind of feels like when a dude is hitting on you in a club and you say that you have a boyfriend just to get him to leave you alone: people respect the fact you’re in a relationship more than the fact you’re not interested.’

Article 33

When you first get into a relationship you can’t help but wonder whether you should change your relationship status or not. Is it too soon? Is it rude to your partner if you don’t sug gest it? You clearly care about them, so why would you not want to show them off to your family and friends? To base it off of that and nothing else, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t put it on Facebook.

However, when you add in other factors and ask yourself more questions, you can see why you might not want to. What if the relationship only lasts a month or two? How embarrassing to post about your new relationship only to face all the “reassuring” comments after only a fraction of the time that you expected you would be together has passed.

If you’re a private person then perhaps you simply don’t want people to know every detail about you.

Relationships are private matters and extremely personal aspects of our lives.

34 Becoming Facebook Official

It’s completely understandable that you want to go your whole long-ter m relationship without putting it on Facebook. If everybody knows you’re dating without social media telling them, then what’s the point?

If everybody knows you’re dating without social media telling them, then what’s the point?

Becoming Facebook official doesn’t define your relationship. If you want to make it public, go ahead, be proud of who you’re dating. If you don’t want it public, so what?

How To Make The Sparks Fl y On Author: Kendra Pratt Another Saturday night, another episode of Game of Thrones in bed with your cat. Doughnut crumbs sprinkle the covers; your phone sits silent by your side.

If this scenario sounds all too familiar, then you’re probably a single girl looking for love. And what says “love” more than ‘I bought you a dozen Krispy Kremes, let’s watch the latest episode.’ Aren’t we all just looking for someone who likes all the same television shows as us?

If you find yourself in this position, having exhausted all your friend’s male acquaintances, been to every new class or club you can imagine and spent way too many nights at a bar trying to pretend you’re just there to have fun, then this article is for you.

If you’re happily single with not a care in the world, a ‘who needs a man when I can go to a body pump class and then go to bed with my magic bullet’ kind of gal, then don’t read this article. Or do. I’m not the boss of you. I found love on Tinder.

I know, it seems hard to believe. Some may say that I have done the impossible, that I found the mythical unicorn of online dating (he has a job, a car, AND he visits his Mum every weekend), but I say that it is possible. That it can be done.

You can find relationship material, on a dating app designed for random hook-ups.You just have to know how to play the game.

Tinder is like many things in life: you get out what you put in. When I was creating my profile, my sister poked her head over my shoulder to give me some unsolicited advice. Our actual conversation went something like this: Sister: You can’t make nerdy jokes on there; people will think you’re weird!

Me: Well I wouldn’t want to give people a false impression. Better that they know I’m a rabid Doctor Who fan now, than get a nasty shock when they see my sonic screwdriver.

It’s pretty obvious that I’m the older sister here… I’m much more concerned that my new boyfriend likes sci-fi than how good he looks with his shirt off.

So when you’re setting the perfect man-trap, err I mean creating the perfect dating profile, there are a few things to consider.

What do your pictures look like? Hopefully, like you.

Not “you with five layers of make-up” and definitely not “you at Reds last Saturday”. I would recommend a varied mix of pictures; some dressed up and some more natural. In my profile, I tried to show a bit of my personality (read: a picture of me eating pizza).

What have you written for your bio? Definitely write at least three lines, so you know that anyone who swipes right on you has a better attention span than a goldfish.

I wrote something along the lines of ‘I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge, and candlelit sacrifices to the Mother Goddess’ just so everyone knew where my priorities were at. Whatever you do, don’t write that you ‘love life’. Everyone loves life, otherwise they’d be dead.

Now that you’ve carefully crafted a hilarious, intelligent and thoughtful profile, it’s time to look through the men.

Warning: you gotta sift through a lot of ‘just looking for some fun’ and ‘girls don’t like me because I’m too nice’ before you find anyone decent.

When looking for potential matches, look out for the red flags. These include, but are not limited to; • Pictures of them shirtless when they’re not at the beach.

• ‘I love going to the g ym, football, beer and hanging with my mates.’

• Pictures with two or more women hanging off of them.

•

‘I’m just on here to see what’s around.’

Far be it from me to judge if people are on Tinder just to get their rocks off, I have no problem with them doing whatever they like with their rocks. But if you are searching for something a little more meaningful than a tequila sunrise and losing an earring in the backseat of their car, take my advice.

You are Tinderella, now go find your Prince Char ming.

How to Make the Sparks Fly on Tinder 35

36

Artis t: Carl y Harvy

37

Author: Lauren Copland It’s a feeling akin to drowning: water stealing the air’s space in your lungs, life-giving breath made impossible. Resurfacing for a moment’s reprieve, you gasp and gulp for air before the powerful waves drag you deeper into the depths of despair. The churning current tosses you around like an oversized blender, disorienting you. Finally, the surface and the murky bottom of certain failure become indistinguishable.

Being prone to stress and all of the shit feelings associated with it makes this the most accurate way I can describe my own experience. Given that we’re hurtling at the speed of light towards the latter and significantly scarier end of the semester, I’m guessing that you’re probably also experiencing your own versions of stress. You know, that horrible feeling of being crushed under an avalanche of work and despite how far you crawl, it just continues piling up regardless.

Then there’s the self-hatred directed towards your for mer self for not working harder earlier in the semester and at your present self for all of the ridiculous and varied ways that you’ve found to procrastinate.

Procrastination (surely I’m not alone in my guilt), behind plagiarism, is one of the worst academic sins a uni student can commit. It’s basically self-

38 Stressed Out

sabotage, as it robs you of valuable working time, preventing you from achieving your best and, let’s face it, ends up increasing your stress levels later on. Whether you’re a procrasti-baker, a procrasti-listmaker, a procrasti-sidetracker, or any other equally distractive and destructive for m of procrastinator, you need to figure out why you’re procrastinating.

Procrastination seizes us for numerous reasons, far too many to explore fully, so I’ll simply offer a few relevant reasons with tips to match.

1. You don’t understand the assignment – okay,

unfortunately ignoring the assignment won’t magically give you clarity, no matter how much you wish it may, so you’ll need to seek help. The best option would be to ask classmates or advice from associated Facebook groups (i.e. The Uni Adelaide ARTS First Year Group 2015). Lastly, use the (often dreaded) option of speaking with your tutor or lecturer who are generally more than happy to help.

2. You don’t know where to start – feeling like

you’re facing a mountain of work but don’t know how to climb? Start with tasks that are quick and easy to complete. Finishing work can be a great motivator to keep going and it gives you one less

thing to worry about. Aside from that, start with the work due first and get writing, even if your words suck or make little sense – you can always refine and rewrite later.

3. You don’t think you’ll do well – If you don’t

submit or submit late then of course you won’t do well: it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy!

Sometimes it seems preferable to fail on your ter ms rather than have your negative beliefs proven right, but it is better to receive some marks than no marks. Often, if you just make an attempt and try to follow everything on the assignment sheet, then you’ll exceed your own expectations. If not, at least you tried, and if you gave it your best than that’s all that matters.

Feeling overwhelmingly overworked? You may benefit from breaking up your studies into hourly allotments. If you study solidly without distraction for an hour, then you can have a break. The aim of the break is to clear your mind, so choose something enjoyable; however, don’t stretch your break to a whole day affair (otherwise you’ll end up stress eating whilst attempting to cram 6 hours of study in to 2!). Ideally, breaks should be between 15-30 minutes, with the occasional longer break if you’re strug gling to concentrate or have been highly productive. See what works best for you and remember that it’s important to relax.

Break ideas: •

Physical exercise – get those endorphins flowing by running, walking, going to the g ym, or whatever takes your fancy and gets your heart rate up

•

Watch an episode of your favourite TV show or a movie during longer breaks (NOTE: I said episode, not season! This is not the time to start binge-watching Game of Thrones. Neither your grades nor your mental health will thank you for it.)

•

Read (not uni-related books)

•

Listen to music, sing aloud, and dance like an idiot, or a combination of all three

•

Have a coffee break, either alone or with friends

•

Just breathe

...life isn’t perfect; it is complex, varied, and sometimes messy, so don’t expect yourself or your grades to be perfect either.

Uni is stressful, partly due to the importance that has been placed on succeeding academically, and the difficulty of balancing the demands of uni with our outside lives. These stresses aren’t vanishing any time soon, but you can manage them. Firstly, don’t make uni define your worth as a person. You need to have a life outside of uni, otherwise it is too easy to feel that you are your grades and nothing more. Secondly, life isn’t perfect; it is complex, varied, and sometimes messy, so don’t expect yourself or your grades to be perfect either.

Try your best, work hard and feel proud of your achievements for what they are: your best in that moment. Don’t set unattainably high goals, and understand that it is okay and nor mal to fail every now and then. Failure doesn’t define you, but the way that you react to and hopefully grow from it does. Thirdly, talk. Talk to friends, family, people you trust; don’t let the stress build up. Talking can release the pressure and may help put things into perspective. It’s better than being a complete stress zombie likely to bite someone’s head off at any moment (a stressed me is not a nice me!). Finally, don’t let stress beat you, as that hell beast is hard to shake once you’re in its grasp.

...that horrible feeling of being crushed under an avalanche of work and despite how far you crawl, it just continues piling up regardless.

Guides 39

Clouds of Sils Mara Author: Athanasios Lazarou

There’s a whiff of autobiographical license in acclaimed French director Olivier Assayas’s new film Clouds of Sils Maria, which stars frequent collaborator and muse Juliette Binoche.

In this highly personal drama, Juliette Binoche plays Marie Enders, an internationally famous film and stage actress currently in rehearsals for a re-imagining of the play that made her famous.

The play in question is “Majola Snake” – named after the mysterious cloud for mation in the Swiss Alps where the film takes place – and centres on a romantic affair between a corporate boss and a manipulative young woman in her employ.

Making it all the more personal is the fact that the play’s author and Marie’s long-time friend, Wilheim Melchior, has just died. Except this time Marie isn’t playing the role of the younger woman, but the older, with the younger woman played by a scene-chewing Chloe Grace Moretz as uberfamous up-and-coming actress Jo-anne Ellis (who I’m convinced is playing a fictionalised Kristen Stewart).

For Marie, revisiting the play promised creative catharsis, yet has quickly become fraught with personal intrigue at both the state of the industry and her position in it. Instead it’s left to her

40 Clouds of Sils Mara

American assistant Valentine (played here by an excellent Kristen Stewart) to teach her the ways of Youtube and Google, and to read and re-read lines to her as they go on hikes in the Swiss Alps and gossip at the Chatel of the deceased Melchior himself. During these breathtaking hikes (literally) the landscape becomes a new character to both isolate and compress the film. The question is, however, when the play removes itself from the Majola Snake and launches in London in a few months time, will the result be able to distinguish itself as either mirror or reflection?

Leave it to Assayas to devise a film about reflection and representation: ‘I’m Sigrid, and I want to stay Sigrid,’ says Binoche’s Enders in a break in character during tense rehearsals. Assayas and Binoche are becoming frequent collaborators, with the for mer having co-written the film that made Binoche a star (Rendezvous) and the pair last working together in 2012’s excellent Summer Hours.

However in their latest effort together things are not as coherent as the screen depicts: the problem with the past is that it’s always there, waiting for a way to represent itself.

In this world language is more than recreational: it’s sur vival. The consequence of having this

In the end it’s all a perfor mance, which is a shame because for a moment it almost felt real.

command is fame. The relationships between each of the female leads become louder the quieter the scene’s get, enabling the rumblings of society to render themselves between the Swiss Alps when the mysterious snake-cloud for mation rolls through.

Binoche gives a revealing perfor mance that attacks the fluid way memory works and the ways in which we represent the past. Building on previous works such as Irma Vep (2006) and the wonderful Clean (2004), Assayas manages to approach critical questions of subjectivity, fame and time, but ultimately fails to expand meaningfully on any in any syllogistic capacity. Ironically, and this is something that shouldn’t happen in a movie, the film breaks down when Kristen Stewart’s presence lessens, leading to an anticlimactic finale minus the twilight alumnua.

It’s not that the film is poorly directed (it’s not), or that it’s poorly acted (it’s definitely not); rather, it’s that the story tries to build to a climax where narrative problems stumble into each other and begin to wear the viewer down. You end up realising the only reason you’re watching is to see these actors mimicking their personal experiences, rather than to see the characters themselves. This dramatisation of the abstract-self to for m around

their very celebrity is indeed a novel approach to contemporary filmmaking, yet at the same time becomes a way of dealing with time that only asserts itself when both parties – actress and celebrity – assume a repeated whole on screen.

This is ultimately too difficult a task for one film to achieve.

Most of the film instead plays out like a confession and acknowledgement of the consequences of prior relationships. The relationship between the past and memory are shown through a series of stages that accumulate to for m the current state of affairs, and, if you wanted to get a bit theoretical, renders the completed perfor mance of the play unnecessary. Assayas gives us both antagonism and optical critique, but ignores the key point: the problem with a film about rehearsal is that it feels perfunctory.

In the end it’s all a perfor mance, which is a shame because for a moment it almost felt real.

Film Review 41

MUSIC REVIEW

Julia Hülsmann Quartet & Theo Bleckmann – A Clear Midnight Author: Andrew Lang

Kurt Weill was perhaps one of the most inf luential composers of the early 20th centur y, whose contributions to the world of jazz and musical theatre are difficult to understate.

Best known for composing The Threepenny Opera (a production that included “Mack the Knife”, a song that has become a jazz standard), his works remain a vital force in the world of jazz music, perfor med by artists the globe over.

Jazz fans may recognise Bleckmann’s exceptional voice from his 2011 album of Kate Bush jazz covers Hello Earth!, or from his guest appearance on last year’s brilliant The Imagined Savior is Far Easier to Paint by Ambrose Akinmusire. Suffice to say that Bleckmann’s extraordinary talent as a vocalist is on full display here, capable of showing all of the subtleties and abilities that make his voice so unique.

In light of his contributions, the Julia Hülsmann Quartet, alongside US vocalist Theo Bleckmann, have released A Clear Midnight, perfor ming a dozen songs from Weill’s extensive catalogue. To call this album an album of covers would do it an injustice, however; Hülsmann and Bleckmann have opted for a far more radical approach to the album. While some artists would be content with simply covering Weill’s compositions, Hülsmann and Bleckmann here have instead torn the songs apart limb from limb, before reassembling them in completely innovative and invigorating ways.

Hülsmann and her quartet, too, play an incredibly important role in shaping the music. Bleckmann appears on all but two of the songs, with the remainder being pure instrumentals perfor med

by Hülsmann’s proficient quartet. These songs bring the incredible technicality of Hülsmann’s group to the forefront, putting their abilities as an instrumental group on full display. Hülsmann as a pianist, in particular, plays a stunningly powerful role on the album from beginning to end.

In doing so, some songs are turned upside down and given completely new flavours. These versions are far more minimalist, more reser ved than their originals, and consequently far darker at times.

An interesting exercise for the dedicated listener would be to compare these rearrangements with better known versions of the songs. As someone who comes to this album with little knowledge of Weill’s work, it can be safely said that the differences are stag gering.

42 Music Review - A Clear Midnight

It is safe to say that A Clear Midnight will go down as one of the finest jazz records of the year. The combined talents of Hülsmann and Bleckmann make for an astonishingly dynamic and overwhelming album, resulting in an honourable tribute to one of the great composers of the 20th century. Highly recommended.

A Great Sit-Out at Sit Lo Author: Celia Cl ennett

If you’re familiar with the wondrous cuisines of Bank Street (just off Hindley Street), you’d know there’s a variety to choose from. This includes Zambrero’s, Mandoo (City Famous Korean Dumplings), and the Malaysian Mamak Cor ner. It’s not surprising that the yiros store and sushi bar couldn’t handle the competition.

Walking along Bank Street, I couldn’t help but notice a new competitor, Sit Lo, had appeared.

A cosy place, it blends itself modestly with the rest of the street, yet its modern industrial-mixedwith-rustic style counteracts its ‘new kid on the block’ status.

Intrigued, I first entered with some fellow food lovers. At the peak of lunch hour, the restaurant was full and felt cramped due to its small size. The ser vice was fast and efficient as we stood to the side, obser ving their busy on-display kitchen. Our take-away meals were neatly packaged.

The first thing I ordered was their Vietnamese Iced Coffee. It was not your typical Far mers Union: it contained sweetened condensed milk, which combined in perfect har mony with the bitterness, without interfering dramatically with the flavour of the coffee. Overall, this drink is best for coffee lovers.

Next I ordered Bao, which are steam buns built like small tacos. Much to my dismay, there were three flavours I had to choose from – fortunately, I discovered I didn’t have to miss out on any, as a combo option was available.

The first Bao I dug into was the Panko Crumbed Fried Chicken. The sauce was chilli mayo, comparable to chipotle as it left a zing y aftertaste.

The chicken was crunchy and crisp, and the cucumber and scallions provided a refreshing balance (which also helps to ease the guilt of eating something fried).

The next Bao I tried was the Soft Shell Crab which was also fried and crunchy, but with a tender shell.

Between the fresh meat and the rich mayo sauce, it was certainly my favourite. The last and my least favourite was the Pork Belly with hoisin sauce: despite being slow cooked, the most significant flavour was the fat.

My fellow diners ordered Pho. The noodle soup contained a generous amount of meat, tender and enriched by the broth. Unfortunately, the large container was so tall that most of the noodles hid themselves at the bottom (not that there were many to begin with).

One friend felt that this was not the best Pho they had ever had, finding it a little lacking in flavour. However, Sit Lo has the advantage of being in a convenient location and having a tidy take-away option.

Ultimately, Sit Lo is not a romantic setting, but it is the perfect place to grab a convenient, reasonably priced take-away lunch with friends. On chilly days, it’s a wonderful feeling to walk out with a war m cup of Pho in your hands.

Food Review - A Great Sit-Out at Sit-Lo 43

THE IS MERELY THETITLE TITLE IS MY

PEROGATIVE PEROGATIVE Author: Ath anasios Lazarou

Masking porcelain expression in party dress and tiny purse.

Tonight’s contemporary desires lay waste as broken texts, sunder weeps of tensions deep, Miming in the choir.

No more licking cracked thumbs through these rushed pages of digital anachronisms.

So I call him again and again, such vanity over vanity.

Absent sound bites discard still wide-awake eyes, wiping, then brushing off, these disguising layers to rid myself of virtual photographs that coalesce quietly in the grasp of weak ar ms.

No more irruptions of illusion, denouncement nor abjures.

I watch the flow carry them away exposing past mistakes, now abandoned before matchsticks are lit.

I burn the past, and wash my hands of all this mess.

Veritable reflection revealed as my own with title absent and content sparse, only the original is worth adoring.

44 The Title is Merely Perogative

SHE CUTS Author: Lara Jungh ardt

Hatred flows through her she sits in the dark Electrically charged it surges inside Tail flicks slowly as the thoughts clash and spark Claw glints and night makes it easier to hide

Composure is hard despite her sleek shape The tor ment inside her reaches a peak Paws knead ground above an abyss that gapes How can she find the release that she seeks?

Razor claws extend like snakes from a hole Nose twitches, ears twist, tail flicks, heart quickens One swipe and feelings pour out of her soul Relief comes at a price, red bloom, sickens

Scars look suspicious, eyes watch and know that

A MURDER OF CROWS Author: Ann J ackson

Thirteen in all. Steely eyes, black feathers.

Crowding on the wet grass. Ripping the air with aching cries.

Stone strikes. Bird falls, goes still.

Dark shape on the grass. Others look up. Bobbing black heads. Ice-blue eyes.

You’re frozen.

Harsh caw. Whirl of feathers. Skin prickles with goosebumps. Fear dries your tongue. You run. Cold air a hundred knives at your throat. Stumbling over a gnarled tree stump, you fall.

Damp grass on your knees. Bruised hands. Rag ged breath. Looking back.

Black shapes. Only black shapes in the distance. Safe. Safe. Breeze chills your hot cheeks.

No. Not safe. Sniff your hands; they smell of dirt. Hear the mur mur of wings like the voices of the dead. See the beak, cur ved as the reaper’s scythe. Feel your heartbeat slow, cooled by the icy gaze that swears revenge.

But it’s okay, it was only the cat.

She Cuts / A Murder of Crows 45

Em ma’s Dilem mas Hi Emma,

Emma, I just watched a documentar y on Spaders.

Did you know that there are over 400,000 species of Spaders? Those things are so scar y, I don’t tr ust their tiny little legs.

-Nick, Virg o.

Alright alright alright ever yone I think I am going to have to r eveal something her e: my older br other sent this question in, and as this is about the most inter personal communication I’ve had with him in the last five months, please bear with me while I indulge him a little.

Ahh nepotism. You thought you’d be fr ee fr om its perilous clutches her e of all places, didn’t you possums? Nup. Sor r y.The world is a big seething turd bucket of unequal opportunity fr othing away atop ever y analogical door one tries to open, r egardless of whether that opportunity be to have a question published in a student magaz ine, to study fashion design for fr ee when you ar e not ver y good at fashion design, or to become the Pr esident of the United States because you belong to a political dynasty (Hillar y Clinton v. Koch Br others r epr esentative Jeb Bush will be kraz iest konflikt we’ll have seen since Jeb’s br other’s minders decided to make Iraq happen).

Nick I’ve got no idea what the fuck you’r e talking about as usual but could you please put the bong down and call mum once in a while?

Thanks.

46 Emma’s Dilemmas

Do you have any tips on relieving Exam season stress? I’m so stressed right now I’ve even been eating chocolate hahah!

-Shar nee, 20 God that’s awful, chocolate. Please dr ess yourself fr om head to toe in pristine Lululemon and hit the g ym immediately so that we don’t have to be subjected to the hideousness of your visibly expanding cellulite.

Other than that I sug gest that you maximise or gasms as much as possible in the coming weeks as they work wonders for str ess r elief, whether this be thr ough actual sex with an actual human who is actually capable of making you come or perhaps thr ough being cheeky and quirky with yourself on public transport.

Or if that’s not r eally your style you could always just unwind by sorting and colour coding socks according to the ROY G BIV colour patter n or something because you seem quite Type A so that’s pr obably something you would enjoy.

Emma, Do you have any exam revision tips you could give me?

-Charlie, 18 Emma’s Top Tip #1: I don’t think I have any tips I can give you.

Emma’s Top Tip #02: Highlight things or something .

Emma’s Top Tip #5: Tr y to not get drunk or high the night befor e/day of exam.

Emma’s Top Tip #007: Nup nothing .

Emma’s Top Tip #65: Your fault for asking the most bone-dr y boring as shit question, r eally.

Letter t o My Tut or Dear Tutor, The moment you walked into our tutorial room with your bowtie and flat cap, I knew this semester was going to be the most torturous of my life. I sat at the back of the class, rolling my eyes at your attempt at trying to revive dandyism.

But then you opened your mouth to speak, and lo and behold, a powerful spell was cast on me. Before you mentioned the merits of the course, you were listing all the places in Adelaide that ser ved direct trade South American coffee blends. You had me at El Salvador Los Pirineos.

The following weeks, you revealed precious tidbits about your personal life. Like when you came to class exhausted because you delivered a most stressful lecture at the Adelaide Club the night before. You said you were ill prepared and ner vous in front of the local Liberal establishment. I pictured you in your signature bowtie and Whovian scarf speaking in a room full of Caucasian semi-bald men and immediately was at halfmast.

I write this not expecting any for m of reciprocal love. This is simply a call for you to never change.

Your most ardent admirer/stalker

PSST! Got a c r ush on someone at Adelaide Uni? Write them an anony mous love let ter at Adelaide Uni Love Let ters on Facebook!

Letter to My Tutor 47

CROSSWORD

By Masya Zabidi

ACROSS

DOWN

4. Recent victims of Australian Government’s “Stop the Boat” policy (1 wd)

1. Film starring Juliette Binoche and Bella from Twilight (4 wds)

10. The Elder Conser vatorium of Music is affectionately known as… (2 wds)

2. Convergence of Adelaide's best food trucks (4 wds)

12. Showgrounds that hold a majority of the University of Adelaide exams (1 wd)

3. Coffee and tea make you pee aka… (1 wd)

13. Antipodean film franchise directed by George Miller (2 wds) 14. Arts Minister behind budget scheme to take $100m from Australia Council to create arts excellence programme (2 wds) 16. New music streaming ser vice launched by Jay-Z (1 wd) 17. University students petting animals and drinking free iced teas on _ _ _ _ _ _ / _ _ _ _ Day (2 wds) 18. If you “like” someone on Tinder, you swipe… (1 wd)

5. Local singer representing Australia at Eurovision (2 wds) 6. Surname of Leader of Scottish National Party (1 wd) 7. Artist representing Australia at the 2015 Venice Biennale (2 wds) 8. The 2015 Engineering Pub Crawl was known as the … Games (1 wd) 9. Women's only lounge at the Lady Symon Building (2 wds) 11. Controversy involving the New England Patriots using underinflated footballs (1 wd) 15. JK Rowling's alma mater (1 wd)

48 Crossword

49

Cannabis & Alcohol checkups could you be overdoing it?

Use our checkups to ďŹ nd out

www.ua.edu.au/self-help-quiz 50