FAMILY
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They adopted two boys from Ethiopia — Carter and Truett, at ages 4 and 2 — four years ago, when their three biological children, Brantley, Coleman and Barret, were 8, 10 and 11. For the Comptons, early preparation and discussion was key to making the transition smoother for the family. “I had told the kids that if at any time they were feeling frustrated and/or needed to talk, that no matter what, they could come to us and we would listen,” Heather says. “We talked about how our family would change and how love doesn’t divide — it multiplies.” Susan Ward is a local therapist and parent coach specializing in helping families with children who have issues related to trauma, attachment and adoption. To help biological children adapt to adopted siblings, Ward suggests families “read books about adoption and adoptedbio families and role-play possible scenarios that might come up when the adopted child joins the family. One of the best ways to foster attachment and bonding among all family members is through laughter — play board games or put on dance music and get everyone laughing and dancing.” “Be honest about differences but balance that by sharing each child’s strengths,” she adds. “Say things like, ‘Yes, that’s true that you two have different colored skin — you’re also different in that you’re great at building things and your sister is great at drawing.’” The Comptons were also realistic with the children, explaining that it wouldn’t always be easy, Heather says. “We explained how just as there are days that all three of them get along, there are days when none of them do and that this would be the same, just with more children,” she says. As their adopted sons were adjusting to a new culture and home, Brantley, Coleman and Barret would become frustrated at the attention friends and family would give their new brothers and with any differences in how they were treated, Heather adds. “We had to, at times, talk with the older kids and explain that we needed to build the relationship and love with the boys before we could be all rules and
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discipline,” she says. “We would ask them how they would want a family to treat them if they had suffered the loss of everything they knew.” “Parents should implement a blend of structure and nurturing right from the start,” Ward says. “Give the adopted child expectations and rules to help them feel part of the family while at the same time, provide them with the affection and nurturing the child may have missed earlier in life.” “It has been a process but everyone is on the same page now,” Heather adds. “I think adopting Carter and Truett has made us a better family.”
Blended beginnings
Julie and Phillip Delp, of West Asheville, planned to have both biological and adopted kids in their family right from the start. “It was intentional and purposeful, to have a biological child and then adopt and then have another biological child — to weave them together into a family,” says Julie. “There will always be kids who need families, and we had space in our lives to make a home for some of them, says Julie, who was adopted herself. After having their first biological child, a girl named Morgan, 14, the Delps adopted Evan, 11, who is half Haitian. Later, after having a second biological daughter, Jillian, they adopted Evan’s half-sister, Natalie, now 5. Four years later, they also adopted Abigail, now 1, also from the same family. They adopted all three at birth. (Phillip also has a biological daughter, Madeline, 19, and the couple also consider as their son Patrice Twagirayezu, 19, a former exchange student from Africa who they are supporting through college. For the Delp family, being from different places is not an issue. “We don’t hide the fact that they are adopted and when they are old sand ready, we talk about it — it wasn’t until Evan was 6 that he figured out he was adopted, while with Natalie, she was much more aware of the differences,” Julie says. “We are always truthful and answer questions — talking about differences goes a long way.” “We explain that each child is something special and that we are lucky that we get to be their family,” she says, adding that it is important to never say anything negative about a birth parent. “We tell them that we were always supposed to be together — that takes away the feeling
TIPS FOR FAMILIES Sandy Fowler, clinical post-adoption services coordinator for Children’s Home Society of North Carolina, which provides parenting education, foster care and adoption services, shares some tips for families with biological children who also adopt: » Ask for help and support. » Know the difference between bonding and attachment and be patient. Bonding can be an instant connection but attachment - and trust - is a process that takes time.” » Talk with children about changes and their expectations. Pay special attention if your biological kids’ feelings don’t match yours. » Include biological kids in the adoption process and keep them informed of what’s going on. » Spend one-on-one time with each child and parent. » Help biological child(ren) accept new siblings. » Allow children to voice their feelings and opinions and listen to them. Create a safe space by respecting what they say. » To facilitate bonding, keep communication lines open, speak truthfully and provide fun family activities. » Help kids understand their own history and background. » Help kids process trauma, grief and loss, attachment and trust issues, keeping in mind the developmental level of the adopted child. Acknowledge that their pain is part of the healing and adoption process. Get professional support as needed. » Learn about the developmental level and background of your adopted child. Honor cultural or other differences.
FOR ADOPTION SUPPORT » Sandy Fowler, Clinical Post-Adoption Support Coordinator, Children’s Home Society of North Carolina, 545-8410 or 866-449-7262. She leads a support group for adoptive parents that meets at 10 a.m. the second Friday of each month at Green Sage, 1800 Hendersonville Road, Asheville. » Susan Ward, Carolina Counseling & Parent Support, carolinamountain counseling.com » To help kids and parents respond to questions from peers, extended family and others, get the W.I.S.E. Up PowerBook, published by the Center for Adoption Support and Education, www.adoption support.org
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