SPECIAL TO WNC PARENT
Despite differences in styles, parenting together is key, experts say. The absence of teamwork can be a land mine, says therapist Jeanine Siler Jones.
Parenting: Moms vs. Dads Experts suggest acknowledging differences in styles, compromising for success By Barbara Blake Staff Writer It’s not surprising to find that in many families, moms and dads have different parenting styles — not better or worse, just different. What’s more surprising is that those differences have less to do with gender than with personality, local psychologists say. And regardless of whether the mom or dad is more the nurturer or the disciplinarian, the key to successful parenting is to recognize the differences, communicate about them and find a middle ground. “I think that personality plays a big role in parenting together, and I’m not sure that gender is the factor as much as personality,’’ said Asheville therapist Jeanine Siler Jones. “Personality affects style, family dynamics and the ease with which parents can function as a team.” The absence of teamwork can be a parenting land mine, she said.
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“One example is the parent who will do just about anything to avoid conflict, and the parent who feels strongly that problems that arise must be handled directly and with clear consequences,’’ Siler Jones said. “They can get polarized, and the child can try and ‘split’ them by going to the noconflict parent for rescue. “If those parents can talk through their differences, acknowledging that neither is ‘right,’ but just different, then often they can come up with a middle ground process that honors both perspectives,’’ Siler Jones said. “Parenting together is hard and really takes listening to one another without judgment, understanding that there really are fundamental personality differences.” Trip Woodard, a marriage and family therapist in Asheville, said there has been a long-held cultural belief that women are better equipped to raise and nurture children while men are predisposed to being the disciplinarian and “head of the household.”
“That stereotype has been challenged, and there is absolutely no evidence to substantiate that either gender has a predisposition toward working with children,’’ Woodard said. “It really depends on the personality and the family culture they grew up in. And in these days and times when there is a growing number of single parents, children may be exposed to one parent more than the other, thus putting fathers, for example, in a more nurturing role than the mother.” Susan Hill, a psychologist with the Pisgah Institute in Asheville, agreed that personality is more of a factor than gender in parenting style, and said the critical issue is how the parents come together in spite of their differences. “Children need the structure and stability that comes with parents who are on the same page, work together to present a united front and can be as consistent as possible with their guidelines for the children,’’ Hill said.
WNC PARENT I JUNE 2008
“I am a believer in regular parent consultation time to problem-solve the day to day issues that come up with children, as well as regular family meetings,’’ she said. “It’s important for parents to talk about the ways they want to discipline their children and the values that are important to them, so that they are raising their children in the manner they both would support.” Regardless of gender, and whether parents are divorced, separated or parenting together, teamwork should be the focus, the three therapists agreed. “The important thing isn’t which (parent) does what; what’s important is that there’s collaboration as a team, so that children don’t use the famous ‘divide and conquer’ strategy,’’ Woodard said. “Collaboration is critical, imperative. If, for whatever reason, one parent becomes disconnected, you have at best two single parents raising the children, and that’s never productive as far as child development,’’ he said.