Social media can make first crushes happen at a dizzying pace. Messaging is the new way to flirt. It can also put a quick end to things. ANN MARIE MCBRIDE
a social worker with the Buncombe County Schools system.
noticed the difference between boys and girls and right about time the new hormones kick in. They notice someone they didn’t notice before. They’re smitten, dopey, off in their heads, tongue-tied where they used to be motormouthed, rambling where they used to be brimming with confidence. Be encouraging and positive during this time, Asheville psychologist Mindy Erin Pardoll said. If you sense your child is open to the discussion — and hopefully, you have an open relationship with him or her that would make two-way inquiry OK — ask them what they like about this person, she said. Listen, don’t comment or judge. The wrong attitude can make you seem nosy. Maybe all they need is a sounding board. Let them pour out their hearts. Be supportive and don’t say anything negative about the person they’ve set their heart on. Let them find their own way and intervene only if your parental instincts tell you to. “I would stay away from advice unless they ask for it,” Pardoll said. “Relationships can be scary for children, especially adolescents. For most kids, it’s their first experience with being rejected, and they get really fearful. They don’t know how to handle the rejection.” If and when that rejection comes, congratulate them for putting themselves out there, Pardoll said. It takes a brave person to risk denial, and those who put themselves in
rejection’s way can learn and gain strength from the experience. Helping children see the positive in a negative is what parents do, and first love is a good opportunity for helping your child get emotionally stronger for the rest of his or her life. “Everyone gets rejected,” Pardoll said. “Life is about putting yourself out there.” Social media can make first crushes happen at a dizzying pace, said Ann Marie McBride, a social worker with the Buncombe County Schools system. Messaging is the new way to flirt. It can also put a quick end to things. “It’s right there on Facebook the next day, that picture of your ‘boyfriend’ at a party with someone else,” McBride said. “The anonymity of social media can make someone more bold than in person.” Children often do what people they’re close to do, so, if they see parents, older siblings and other
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people close to them involved in relationships, they might be emboldened to try one of their own, Michael said. How can a parent tell when a crush moves into an area that children are ill-equipped to handle? Michael, who is also a licensed psychologist, sees lots of Facebook postings from children bragging about sexual conquests, some as early as 11 years old. If your children’s postings indicate anything untoward, “it is our obligation to investigate further,” he said. When can a parent tell if the crush is becoming inappropriate? Listen to your children, Michael said. If they mention sexual acts, that’s certainly the time to step in, he said. “I work regularly with young people that develop what appear to be inappropriately intense romantic attractions for their developmental age,” he said. “If the crush seems overly sexualized, then I would say this is a red flag.” Crushes have been around forever, but popular culture today is pretty loose, as far as what children can see online, on TV and everywhere else, Michael said. “So, while I don’t think the age of onset for romantic attraction is much different due to social media, I suspect that the manner and means of expressing crushes has grown exponentially in the electronic age.”
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