the
Scribe
April 19 to April 25, 2011 [Volume 35. Issue 26]
Blunts for
days
an overview of marijuana
pages 6 & 7
editorial
Page 2
April 19 to April 25, 2011
With sincerest apologies to sports fans everywhere
Editor-in-Chief Avalon Manly Let me begin by saying that this column will probably make my managing editor, Jessica Lynch, just unutterably sad. You see, Jess loves her some sports. I do not. Nevertheless, she and my athletics editor, Matt Crandall, have been trying for months now to convince me to attend a sporting event without them having to hog tie me and transport my flailing, protesting body there in the truck of a car. I’m sort of allergic to sports. I don’t understand them as anything other than a social phenomenon, and so they bore me to tears. I agreed to attend with them the end-of-season Mammoth game (which is, as I learned, lacrosse), on threat of a slow and painful death at Jess’ hands. I warned her that I would involuntarily process the game through the lens of a cultural anthropologist, using it as a sort of fieldwork exercise in participant observation. She glared at me briefly and then agreed, knowing it was the best she was going to get from me, and on the condition that I not take the book I was reading into the stadium. So, lacrosse is confusing as hell. It’s like hockey and soccer had a weird bastard child that likes to play with sticks, violently, and with unnecessary force. I actually played lacrosse in high school, ever so briefly, back when I thought that involvement in things other than band was important to my development as a person. The first thing I noticed about the game, besides the vast sea of fans I was suddenly a part of, was that the stadium was designed for sensory overstimulation. There were so many flashing lights and discordant noises
that I wondered for a moment if I was having a seizure. We found our seats and I proceeded to be completely and utterly confounded by the game. After Matt patiently explained which team were the Mammoths and what a “shot clock” is, I was slowly able to observe something other than my own glaring lack of knowledge. As an anthropologist, I try to approach unfamiliar social phenomena with as little bias as possible. As I don’t, as a rule, like sports, that was sort of a difficult thing to do; but as the game wore on and Jess nearly murdered me for clapping when the opposing team scored – apparently that’s not an okay thing to do, even if the scoring movement was demonstrably skillful – I realized that I wasn’t watching a benign sporting event at all. I was watching a war. That’s what sports are. Each game is a battle; players are warriors. Think about it: in the wide world of sports, the most athletic, most aggressive, most skilled individuals are the most valued. Those with the ability to act quickly and without mercy while simultaneously participating loyally as part of a team are the players whose names you know. (Well, I don’t know them, but normal people who pay attention to sports do.) Athletics appeals to the same hormones, methods of thought and character traits as war. The heat and passion that characterize players are the marks of both the athlete and the soldier. Even the language involved is similar: you “win” games and battles; there are distinct sides and clear-cut stakes in each. When halftime struck and the cheerleaders took to the field, I realized that sports have more in common with war than I’d suspected. I once read about a tribe in northern Wales that had a similar tradition. When a man returned from battle, still consumed in the heat of the fight, they were considered to be wearing what they called “the king’s mantle” – a cloak of aggression and fire that would lash out at anyone that got too near.
A group of naked women would dance around him until the rage of war transformed into a fierce lust, and the soldier’s prowess in battle would morph into a statement of fertility, designed to increase the group’s population. Pairing sex with war is something humans have always done; the fires of each burn at the same temperature. In that sense, cheerleading is, at its core, a fertility ritual. The advertisements around the stadium were an example of the economy of war. Those who can, always do make money from the battles we fight; war is, after all, a capitalist venture. The music that played throughout was marked by violently percussive bass and a fairly consistent four-beat tempo, similar in pace to the beat of a human heart. It was chosen for its ability to elicit a physiological response from the audience; it was music you could feel, that accelerates your heart and your breathing, much like the basic beats of tribal societies. The entire experience, from the flashing lights to the pulsing beats to the overpriced food to the confusing athletic spectacle below, spoke to the game as a gladiatorial affair, where men fight for the enjoyment of the culture as a whole, and their losses and triumphs are immaterial compared to the social catharsis that occurs. Of course, before I could arrive at some grand epiphany regarding sports in modern American society, a moderately-sized fleet of children behind me, all of whom were armed with cow bells for some reason, began to make a truly ungodly amount of noise. I didn’t yell or cheer of jump about, and I almost murdered every one of those kids, but that was the first sporting event I’ve ever attended where I didn’t consider launching myself over the edge of the balcony because I considered the hospital more entertaining than watching a game. Thanks to anthropology, Jess and Matt can boast that I didn’t die of boredom while attending sports with them.
the scribe The official student newspaper of the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs
Editor-in-Chief.........................................Avalon Manly Managing Editor........................................Jessica Lynch Business Manager..........................................Matt Baatz Advertising/Sales Manager..........................Luis Hidalgo News Editor..................................................Matt Sidor Athletics Editor......................................Matt Crandall Opinion/Scribble Editor...........................Cherise Fantus Photograhy Editor.................................Ariel Lattimore Copy Editor.............................................Cherise Fantus Web Master.............................................Dorian Rogers Layout Designers..........................................J.D. Osorio ..................................................................Emily Olson Reporters...................................................Alex Cramer ............................................................Ryan Piechowski .................................................................Sara Horton ...................................................................Ryan Adams Photographer.........................................Michelle Wood Junior Reporters...............................Heather Templeton ...............................................................Molly Mrazek ......................................................Marguerite Breeden Junior Photographer...................................Brett Owens Contributors...........................................Steven Farrell Cartoonist............................................................Arno Distributor...........................................Donald Trujillo Advisor.....................................................Laura Eurich Cover Photo Courtesy of sklep.lee-loo.com
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news
April 19 to April 25, 2011
Page 3
UCCS Celebration of Earth Day encourages further support Marguerite Breeden mbreeden@uccs.edu Earth Day promotes awareness and works to increase appreciation for the environment. Occuring every year on April 22, it was founded by Senator Gaylord Nelson. This event occurs annually in many countries including: Ukraine, Venezuela, the Philippines, Spain, the United Kingdom and the United States. Earth Day became important in the 1970s after many people, including Senator Nelson, showed concern for the United States’ economic process. Inspired by the activist movements of the 1960’s, twenty million Americans stressed through protests the importance of a cleaner American environment, free from oil spills, the pollution of factories and power plants, raw sewage, toxic dumps, pesticides, freeway and expressway revolts, the loss of wilderness and air pollution. Some ways people get involved in Earth Day are by planting trees and reducing gas consumption by finding and using alternate transportation systems. Others donate money to environmentally friendly organizations like World Wildlife Fund, Greenpeace International and National Geographic Society. UCCS celebrated Earth Day as a part of ROARdaze on April 13, from 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. on the West Lawn. In addition to informational booths from both community and campus sustainability organizations, there were yoga classes, a clothing swap, live music, food, Chipotle giveaways and an ultimate frisbee tournament. Kayli Ciambotti, the communications and education coordinator in the Sustainability Office said, “Earth Day means that the UCCS community is given a chance to start thinking about and acting on ways to improve our Mother Earth’s condition. Earth Day reminds us we all share the same planet. Sharing the Earth means taking responsibility for what we use and how we use it. It is a day to think of the environmental
Photo by Michelle Wood
Although UCCS celebrated its Earth Day on April 13, there is much to be done in the community and around UCCS this Sunday, April 22.
challenges we face and how to solve them. Protecting Earth is every person’s and every country’s responsibility.” Students are encouraged to participate in the official Earth Day on April 22, as well as serve as volunteers in the community. There are various environmentally friendly events happening around the Springs. Some of these include Rock Ledge Ranch’s planting tree event, Free Transit Service, Green Bag Lunch-nLearn: Eating for the Environment, North Cheyenne
Canyon Cleanup and Pikes Peak Earth Day. All of the events are free and open to the public. Ciambotti agreed that doing your part to keep earth clean and green is important. She stated that they hoped “that our Earth Day event [would] serve as a voice to the UCCS students who are passionate about sustainability initiatives on campus. The event [would] also help to provide information on how to get involved in campus sustainability initiatives to those who are interested.” S
Obama proposal cuts summer Pell Grants Grey-Flores win presidential race Cherise Fantus cfantus@uccs.edu Figuring out how to pay for college is the bane of most college students’ existence. Many rely on loans, grants and scholarships to pay for their schooling. One financial aid option that a large number of students rely upon may not be an option in 2012. In President Obama’s 2012 budget proposal, summer Pell Grants are on the chopping block. The Federal Pell Grant Program provides needbased grants to low-income students seeking higher education. As in many other need-based government programs, like Welfare, family income is examined, and the amount of funding given to the student is accordingly divvied out. The Pell Grant Program expanded just last year to allow students to use two Pell Grants per year – one for summer and one for the regular academic year – in an effort to lift graduation
Photo by Michelle Wood
Student Denise Perez uses the UCCS Student Portal to check her financials.
rates. Since there is no proof of any increase, and since the nation is in a deficit, the administration decided the addition was superfluous. The proposal was made in response to the House Republicans’ legislation to cut the maximum allowable award from $5500 to $4500 for the remainder of the 2011 fiscal year, which ends in September. The Obama budget for 2012 would keep the maximum award at $5500 but cut summer funding instead. Students would still have the option of us-
ing their Pell Grants for summer classes, but they would then not be able to use Pell Grant funds to pay for tuition during the regular school year. For UCCS students who are eligible for Pell Grants and may want to use them for summer courses, taking summer courses this year rather than next would be a wise choice. For more information on Pell Grants, To find out if you are eligible for a Pell Grant or other federal assistance, fill out the Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA) at fafsa.ed.gov.
Photo by Ariel Lattimore
Hector Flores and Jarod Gray, recently elected vice president and president, are excited and ready to lead the way next year.
The results of last week’s elections for the 2011-2012 members of Student Government Association were released over the weekend. All four ballot initiatives (the extension of the fee for the Family Development Center, Take Back the Tap, the repurposing of the solar fee, and the name change of the UCCS mascot from Boomer to Clyde) passed, and are pending approval from Chancellor Pam Shockley-Zalabak before they can take effect. The following students have been elected to serve on SGA for the duration of the coming school year: Jarod Gray as student body president Hector Flores as vice president Evan Shelton as the student director of finance Alvin Chee, Eugene “Curtis” Evans, Corinna Tandy and Shannon Pollmiller as representatives at large Diana Timmerman as senator of College of LAS Erick Oregon as senator of residence halls Kristina Achey as senator of graduate school Paige Nelson as senator of College of Education William Dionson as senator of College of Engineering Heather Tix as senator of College of Nursing 13 positions as representatives at large remain unfilled. Interested students should contact SGA in the ROAR Office.
news
Page 4
April 19 to April 25, 2011
Hollamby named Student Employee of the Year Molly Mrazek mmrazek@uccs.edu Ryan Hollamby, a graduate student in the Geography department, was recently named Student Employee of the Year. In honor of this award, Hollamby received a plaque and a $200 stipend from the school. He was also entered in the state competition and won Student Employee of the Year for the state of Colorado, from which he received an additional $50 stipend. Hollamby earned a Bachelor’s degree in Environmental Science while living and going to school in New York. He also has minors in Biology and Geology. With his degrees he hopes to one day work for a government agency such as United States Forest Service or the Bureau of Land Management as a national resource specialist. Hollamby is also the Geography Department’s outstanding graduate student of 2010-2011. As a student assistant in the Psychology Department, Hollamby is contracted out to the Colorado Department of Corrections. He works there approximately 35 hours a week with a
computer program called Geographic Information Systems (GIS), which according to gis. com “integrates hardware, software, and data for capturing, managing, analyzing, and displaying all forms of geographically referenced information.” Hollamby uses GIS to analyze, track and understand offender movement. Originally, Hollamby found the job on the student employment database Sean’s Place. He feels that his previous office work experience and computer background helped him get the job as Student Assistant II in January of 2010 doing data entry. Hollamby feels that his job there has prepared him for his future careers because he works with professional researchers daily, and has had a lot of professional involvement writing reports. Presently, Hollamby is presenting his thesis to the Association of American Geographers in Seattle. His thesis studies treeline movement in Colorado. He also hopes for a grant from the Bureau of Justice Assistance so that he can look for field initiative programs that would minimize crime. S
Photo courtesy of Shannon Cable
Ryan Hollamby was recently awarded a plaque recognizing him as the Student Employee of the Year.
Decemberists concert more profitable than last year’s 3OH!3 Matt Sidor msidor@uccs.edu Last Saturday night, UCCS hosted indie rock band The Decemberists at the Gallogly Events Center. It was the second annual concert of scale at UCCS. Ticket sales exceeded 1,550 tickets, coming within just 40 of completely selling out. Mitch Karstens, director of the Office of Student Activities, said they were originally just hoping to break even with sales at 800 to 900 tickets, but found a high level of interest early on and boosted their goal to sell out. Karstens termed this concert as “exponentially better” than last year’s, an event that saw rock band 3OH!3 playing at the Four Diamonds outdoor complex in the middle of a large thunderstorm. Last year’s concert sold about 2,600 tickets – 1,000 more than this year’s – but the event was unprofitable due to the greater infrastructure costs of Four Diamonds versus the Gallogly Events Center. The concert at Four Diamonds required renting power generators, porta-potties, and staging, while Gallogly Events Center had all of these necessary components already built into the venue, saving OSA a great deal in money and labor. Additionally, inclement weather wasn’t an issue as the entire event took place indoors. Karstens said that although The Decemberists were a little more wellknown than 3OH!3, this concert was so much more successful because they had a substantially better venue; OSA plans to hold all future concerts at the Events Center. The entire concert went smoothly
Photo by Ariel Lattimore
With no rain, thunder or lightening, the audience enjoyed an “exponentially better” concert than last year.
thanks in large part to the student employees and staff members who have been working for months to ensure this event’s success. OSA started working out every detail with the band and their touring group months in advance and heavily marketed the event both on campus and with local radio station 103.9 KRXP; the University Center’s Scheduling team started setting up the Events Center sev-
eral days beforehand and assisted with tearing it down immediately after the concert until 2 a.m. Public Safety officers were on hand throughout the event, working closely with the private security team to ensure a safe environment for everyone. Aside from a couple of brief scares with a concertgoer who vomited and fainted a couple times, there were no major security issues.
OSA’s next concert will be September 16, and will feature either country or hiphop artists, to provide variation from this and last year’s top 40 and indie rock contributions. Karstens said they plan to announce the next performer by the start of summer break and their office is open to any and all suggestions for bands and artists that would be a good fit. Suggestions should be emailed to osa@uccs.edu. S
April 19 to April 25, 2011
culture
Page 5
No need to drive far for frozen treats Chekhov returns to Story by Sara Horton, shorton@uccs.edu Theatreworks in ‘The Seagull’ Now that summer is almost here, so are the temptations to celebrate the warm weather by enjoying a cold dessert. Fortunately, these three locations near UCCS offer plenty of frozen treats that are sure to satisfy both your sweet tooth and wallet.
Sonic: 878 West Garden of the Gods Road
This Sonic location is just down the street from UCCS and offers a variety of cold and frozen drinks. My personal favorite is the Cherry Limeade Chiller, a creamy mix of Sonic’s famous limeade and ice cream served with a cherry on top. Sonic has a whole menu of Frozen Favorites: candy and ice cream combos, ice cream shakes, ice cream cones, floats, cream slushes, sundaes and more. Even better, Sonic has half-priced soft drinks, iced teas, slushes and limeades every day from 2 to 4 p.m. Even though items off the Frozen Favorites list are not included in the deal, don’t let that stop you. Depending on who rings up your order, you might get lucky like I have in the past and get half-price nonetheless.
Keva Juice: 1330 West Garden of the Gods Road
Many students are already familiar with Keva Juice, a smoothie company that now has a location in University Village. “I love their Malibu Slim – so good,” said junior Sydney Nelson, who recommended the diet-friendly smoothie company. For students who want to have something sweet but not the guilt commonly associated with it, Keva Juice is a great choice. At kevajuice.com, Keva Juice lists all of its 12-ounce smoothies as well as the calories, fat, fiber, carbs and protein in each so you never have to wonder what you’re drinking. All of Keva Juice’s signature blend smoothies use fresh fruit, non-fat yogurt, non-fat milk, juice or a combination of all four and do not exceed 300 calories. Luckily, the lack of calories is not a compromise for taste.
TCBY: 3670 Austin Bluffs Parkway Although I had never heard of TCBY (a humble acronym for “The Country’s Best Yogurt”), several students suggested the company’s new location to me when I asked about their favorite place to go for frozen treats. The local TCBY location is fairly small but offers a decent variety: You can order from a menu of cups and cones of smooth serve yogurt, smoothies, frozen drinks, sundaes, parfaits and banana splits. The frozen yogurt, which comes in cake batter, white chocolate mousse, chocolate, golden vanilla, white chocolate macadamia or kiwi strawberry sorbet, is delicious, and you can sample any of the flavors. Whatever you order, I recommend the to-go option because TCBY has plenty of customers but not enough seating. Although the staff is friendly and works hard to keep the place running smoothly, the limited seating tends to get dirty and sticky pretty quickly because the kids who eat there do not clean up after themselves. S
Sara Horton shorton@uccs.edu Anton Chekhov’s famous play, “The Seagull,” will open at Theatreworks on April 21. “The Seagull” is a continuation of UCCS’ Russian Spring festival and the first time in 10 years that a professional Chekhov play has been performed in Colorado Springs. The last play was “The Cherry Orchard,” also a Theatreworks production. Since Chekhov is one of the most recognizable names in theater, and his plays are often performed around the world, his lack of popularity at theatres in the Pikes Peak region is puzzling. “It must be because people are a little scared of Chekhov,” said Murray Ross, director and Theatreworks artistic director. He reasoned that Chekhov’s plays, which have at least a dozen characters in each cast list, require a lot from actors and can be very demanding. Nevertheless, Ross, cast and crew are up to the challenge. “I count Anton Chekhov as the greatest playwright ever,” stated Ross, “and I am not alone in this opinion. Every real actor knows that every Chekhov part is pure gold, the opportunity of a lifetime.” Indeed, the cast recognized that opportunity and Chekhov’s skill as a playwright. “This is the first time I’ve done
Chekhov. It’s been a real treat,” said Matthew Mueller, who plays Trigorin in the production. “His characters are wonderful. There’s a lot of specificity [in their lives].” Ben Bonenfant, who plays Konstantin, expressed similar sentiments. “I like the drama. It’s basic,” Bonenfant added. Both actors agreed that they enjoyed how characters in “The Seagull” spent so much time together but never really listened to each other and left no barricade for conflict to unfold. According to Ross, “The Seagull” is about a lot of young people hoping, loving and dreaming about being artists, an ageless theme still evident today. The young characters often conflict with their older counterparts, which make the play also about generations. These two themes, claim Ross, make “The Seagull” a relatable play and why it was chosen to grace the stage this spring. The characters, particularly the awkward landlord and the hopelessly self-absorbed Irina, make “The Seagull” hilarious, but the play also explores suicide and heartbreak. Ultimately, Chekhov’s challenged characters may be why Chekhov is so unpopular amongst Americans. “We have a low tolerance for failure and want people to stop whining, grow up and fix it. Chekhov may be too realistic
for the American psyche to handle,” explained Ross. During the 1896 premiere of “The Seagull” in St. Petersburg, the play was marketed as a light comedy. The first act encouraged many laughs that soon mutated into boos and hisses as the plot progressively grew more dramatic and intense. Chekhov was so embarrassed by the reception that he fled from the theater and pledged to stop writing plays. Fortunately, “The Seagull” has received much warmer praise since that night, and the Theatreworks production is prepared to demonstrate Chekhov’s genius. Take in a performance of “The Seagull” before Chekhov’s work slips back into relative obscurity. “The Seagull” will run from April 21 to May 8 on Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights at 7:30 p.m. in the Dusty Loo Bon Vivant Theater. Saturday matinee performances will be at 2 p.m. on April 30 and May 7, and performances on Sunday afternoon will be at 4 p.m. on April 24, May 1 and May 8. Running time is approximately three hours, which includes one fifteenminute intermission, and UCCS students get in for free. To buy tickets and learn more about the Russian Spring, visit Theatreworks’ website at www.theatreworkscs. org. S
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PO
It would take 800 joints to kill a person – but the
It is estimated that worldwide, 22.5 million people sue marijuana daily.
The U.S. is one of several countries where greater than 8% of the population are said to use marijuana.
Each day, approximately 6,000 Americans try marijuana for the first time.
Pot butter: A new way to take your medicine Cherise Fantus cfantus@uccs.edu Smoking pot is not for everyone. It can burn the throat and the lungs, some think it tastes bad, and it can leave a lasting odor on your clothing. For those who encounter these problems but still want to get high (or, ahem, reap the medical benefits), edible pot may just be the answer. Many also say that eating pot is better, anyway, since it gives you a “deeper” high. The high doesn’t kick in right away; it sort of creeps up on you. Many prefer that kind of high to the more sudden high caused by smoking. Be very careful not to eat too much, though. Since it does take longer to kick in, it’s easy to keep eating, and then be way too messed up. If it is your first time trying pot goodies, start with one. Wait at least an hour, and if that isn’t enough, have another. It’s better to start off easy than to have too much. Once you become more accustomed to your treats, you will quickly get a feel for how many cookies to need to eat to reach your preferred high. If you have a medical marijuana license, edible marijuana treats can be purchased at dispensaries. If you want to make your
own treats, you can bake any number of goodies, from the standard brownies to cakes and cookies. The issue then becomes stems and chunks of pot in your brownies. Nothing can ruin a wonderful brownie-eating experience like chomping down on a big old stem. One solution is to grind your pot down to a fine powder before adding it to your recipe. Another, perhaps better, solution is to make pot butter, which can be used just like regular butter. It can be spread on toast, melted on popcorn or used for cooking or baking in any of your favorite recipes. With pot butter, you can eat pot for every meal and stay high all day. Pot will not be effective if consumed on its own, nor can it be baked or cooked into just anything. For the THC to be effective, it needs to bind with a fat. That is why pot is generally baked into brownies or cookies – because they have a butter or shortening base, and the THC can bind with the fats. When making pot butter, the THC attaches to the fat in the butter, rendering it highly effective. Then you can use it in any recipe in place of butter, making any of your favorite dishes an effective way to administer your daily medicine. Below is a simple recipe for pot butter.
How to make Pot Butter You will need: A double boiler (a metal bowl place on top of a regular saucepan works just as well) 1 lb. of butter ½ oz. of finely ground marijuana (use a coffee grinder) A cheesecloth Fill the bottom of double boiler about half-full of water. Bring to a boil. Place the butter in the top part of the double boiler and allow it to melt. Once the butter is melted, stir in the weed. The amount of weed will determine the potency, so you can use more or less than half an ounce, depending on your tolerance. Simmer for 20 to 30 minutes, or until it turns green, stirring every five minutes. The simmering time is necessary for the THC to bind with the fat, so don’t overlook that step. Let the mixture stand for about five minutes, then strain through a cheesecloth into a small bowl. Once the cheesecloth is cool enough to handle, you can also squeeze the remaining juices into the bowl. Cover and refrigerate or freeze. Your pot butter can last in the freezer for up to a few months. Watch carefully for mold. Since the butter will be green, it may be more difficult to notice.
Cannabis seeds were used as a food source in China as early as 6,000 B.C.
To smoke or no
Story by Jessica Lynch, j
Marijuana remains one of the most commonly used illicit drugs in the United States. This trend is seen in a 2009 survey conducted by the National Survey on Drug Use and Health. It states that 16.7 million Americans aged 12 or older used marijuana at least once in the month prior to being surveyed.
How it works
According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA), “when someone smokes marijuana, THC rapidly passes from the lungs into the bloodstream, which carries the chemical to the brain and other organs throughout the body.” The marijuana plant contains 400 chemicals, 60 of which are cannabinoids. Cannabinoids are psychoactive compounds produced inside the body after cannabis is metabolized. Tetrahydrocannibol (THC), the most psychoactive cannabinoid, has the greatest affect on the brain. “THC acts upon specific sites in the brain, called cannabinoid receptors, kicking off a series of cellular reactions that ultimately lead to the “high” that users experience when they smoke marijuana,” according to NIDA. The majority of cannabinoid receptors are found in parts of the brain that affect pleasure, memory, thinking, concentrating, sensory and time perception and coordinated movement. Below is a brief rundown of the most common benefits and dangers of marijuana usage.
Pros
While there is much debate regarding the medicinal properties of marijuana, as explained by NIDA, “Scientists have confirmed that the cannabis plant contains active ingredients with therapeutic potential for relieving pain, controlling nausea, stimulating appetite and decreasing ocular pressure.” Some cannabinoid-based medications include synthetic compounds, such as dronabinol (Marinol®) and nabilone (Cesamet®), which are FDA approved, and a new, chemically pure mixture of plant-derived THC and cannabidiol Becau called Sativex®. Other potential benefits, according to Askmen.com include pain here’s management and antiemesis. Many studies, the site claims, have proven that cannabinoids help reduce pain; this is because the receptors in the brain that interact with cannabinoids are “part of the most wid naturally attuned to these molecules, it also uses them to great effect.” Bo chemotherapy patients. As detailed on guyism.com, others claims include its use in the treatm breasts and brains, relieving of symptoms of chronic diseases and helping c
Cons
Research has shown that in chronic users, that is, those who smoke on a f memorize things. This can last for days or weeks after the drug has been era marijuana every day may be functioning at a suboptimal intellectual level a mented connection between chronic marijuana use and increased rates of a Age at first use, these studies show, influences the likelihood of the drug i ever, at this time, it is not clear whether marijuana use causes mental proble cate symptoms already in existence,” said NIDA. High doses of marijuana, As detailed on familydoctor.com, some other side effects include tremor flow to the brain and changes in reproductive organs. The chemicals involv and have been linked to certain types of cancer. Much of this can be attribu According to Askmen.com, while there is no evidence of anyone dying substances, like alcohol, there still remains a chance of “experiencing adv amounts.” In terms of addiction, there is a myriad of research that points to both mar ever, as stated by NIDA, “Long-term marijuana abuse can lead to addictio known harmful effects. Estimates from research suggest that about 9 percen much higher for users who start using marijuana at a younger age.
The first two drafts of the U.S. Declaration of Independenc
ot to smoke
jlynch@uccs.edu
There are over 200 slang terms for marijuana in the popular vernacular.
The hidden industry of hemp Avalon Manly amanly@uccs.edu
use it’s poor form to publish pictures of people smoking pot, s someone enjoying a puff of Hookah.
despread receptor system in the body. Not only is the body oth THC and marijuana help reduce nausea, especially in
ment of migraines, slowing of tumor growth in the lungs, cases of ADD and ADHD.
frequent basis, smoking can make it difficult to learn and rased from the system. “As a result, someone who smokes all of the time,” stated NIDA. There has also been a docuanxiety, depression and schizophrenia. influencing or adversely affecting mental illnesses. “Howems, exacerbates them or reflects an attempt to self-medi, the research shows, can produce a psychotic reaction. rs, nausea, headaches, breathing problems, reduced blood ved in marijuana, like those in tobacco, can hurt the lungs uted to those who smoke marijuana without filters. g of a marijuana overdose, as there have been with other verse or unpleasant effects when it is consumed in large
rijuana’s addictive qualities and its relative safeness. Howon; that is, compulsive drug seeking and abuse despite the nt of users become addicted to marijuana.” This number is
ce were written on paper made from hemp.
Facts courtesy of http://facts.randomhistory.com/2009/02/27_marijuana.html
About 40% of high school students in the U.S. report using marijuana at least once.
Photo by Ariel Lattimore
In 1936, the movie “Reefer Madness (Tell Your Children)” was released. It was part of an alleged government push that began in the ’20s to sway public opinion against marijuana. The following year, the Marijuana Tax Act passed, starting the nation down the path towards ultimately criminalizing the growing, buying or selling of cannabis in the U.S. The act took effect in early 1938, about the same time that “Popular Mechanics” ran an article titled ‘New Billion-Dollar Crop,’ which highlighted the value and versatility of a plant called hemp – which is also, incidentally, a member of the cannabis family. Though the 1937 act blanketed all cannabis plants, and hemp and marijuana are related, they have many and significant differences. Marijuana (cannabis sativa indica), for instance, usually contains up to 20 percent THC (psychoactive cannabinoids) – but hemp (the male plants), less than one percent, which means that if you smoke it, it won’t get you high (in fact, it is so rich in antipsychoactive cannabinoids that smoking it would actually inhibit a marijuana high). Indica strains of marijuana grow short and bushy and are of poor fibrous quality, but hemp stalks can grow to a height of about 25 feet, to look more like bamboo than their state-altering cousin – and the fibrous quality of hemp is relatively high. Hemp, in fact, can be formed into some of the strongest, most resilient resinous fibers available. “Popular Mechanics” raved about the versatility of hemp, and how easy and beneficial it would be for American farmers to grow. Hemp has a short growing season and can take back fields abandoned to weeds, because its lower leaves force back more invasive plants; it doesn’t leech the soil, so fields can be reused for other crops later; it requires no pesticides to aid its survival; by using machinery that was new in 1938, hemp can be used to make almost anything, from shampoo to plastic to food to paper to cloth, which could decrease America’s dependency on foreign imports of such things, especially fiber. There are a few main obstacles to hemp farming in the U.S. Probably the most stunting is that Americans do not tend to distinguish between the subspecies of cannabis sativa, and bracket
hemp into the category of marijuana, ignoring its commercial and industrial potential. The illegality of marijuana, by association, is the illegality of hemp, just as it was in 1938, though it is no longer illegal to buy products made from hemp – just to grow it or produce said products. The debate over legalization of marijuana is raging now, especially across Colorado. The almost viral spread of medicinal marijuana dispensaries will doubtless soon be reined in by state or federal government rulings, but the lingering illegality of hemp is no less an industrial derailment for marijuana’s slow steps toward acceptance as a legitimate drug. It has been speculated by proponents of legalization (such as Hemp.com) that there is a more extensive market for hemp product in the U.S. than for marijuana: People all over the country celebrate the eco-friendliness and versatility of hemp products. The rapidly-growing plant could conceivably replace timber as the source of paper, saving trees while retaining the ability to be recycled. The hemp seed contains a plethora of amino acids and essential nutrients that the human body requires, making it a useful and easily-provided food. The fibrous innards of the stalk can be made into plastic or woven into a remarkably resilient material – it was used in the early twentieth century to produce sails, because unlike cotton, hemp does not rot when subjected to salt water. Because it is still illegal to grow hemp in the U.S., America imports hemp products from Canada, France and China, where hemp is grown freely for industrial purposes. There used to be more than 400,000 acres of hemp farmland across the U.S., when the realizations about the plant’s potential were new. Since the cannabis ban, federal resources have been expended to eradicate ditchweed, the feral descendant of the hemp that was once deliberately farmed, according to the North American Industrial Hemp Council.
THC, the primary active ingredient in marijuana, produces marijuana’s mind-altering effects.
OT
cause of death would be carbon monoxide poisoning.
Page 8
athletics
April 19 to April 25, 2011
UCCS golf team places third at Dairy Queen Wolfpack Invitational Ryan Adams radams3@uccs.edu After up and down rounds on the final day, the UCCS men’s golf team managed to squeak out a third place finish at the Walking Stick Golf Club in Pueblo, Colo. last week. The Mountain Lions struggled to put four solid rounds of golf together and ended up seven strokes behind first-place Fort Lewis, and three strokes behind CSU-Pueblo. The second day was highlighted by senior Chris Shoop’s stellar three-under par 69, but that still wasn’t enough to get the team into first. The men started one stroke behind Fort Lewis after the first round with a total score of 291 (three-over par) and were looking to go low on the second day. UCCS had three solid scores the first day with Shoop at 71, senior Brian Morfeld at 72 and junior Mitch Buchner at 72. The Mountain Lions couldn’t get that fourth solid score, though, and had to count senior Riley Andrews’ 76 as their final contribution toward the team’s top four scores. Unfortunately, the results turned out differently as the team had a very inconsistent second day. Mountain Lions Head Coach Phil Trujillo believes the team has gotten off to kind of a slow start and it’s costing them. “The team has now played in three tournaments, and so far we haven’t been very good. We have some guys that are slowly getting started that have cost us valuable shots throughout each round. At this level, you need to be able to count on all five players, and we’re not doing that,” stated Trujillo. While they were one shot behind on the final 36-hole day, the Mountain Lions struggled to get a rhythm going and ended up shooting a team score of 296 over the first 18 holes, followed by a 289 on the next round. Shoop ended up with a total score
of 24 (two-under par), Morfeld had 216, Andrews had 219, Buchner had 227 and Spencer Biersdorff had 234. Junior Michael Tilghman competed as an individual and finished second with a total score of 217. Coach Trujillo and the team now turn their attention to the upcoming RMAC Championship, which is the most important tourney of the season. The event carries a heavy weight for the team, as they are looking to take home the title for the sixth consecutive time. However, Trujillo believes they still have some work to do. “[Seniors] Chris Shoop and Brian Morfeld have played well but we still need lower scores from them. We’re decent in the middle of the line-up, but that’s where we are typically really strong. Our three, four and five spots need to give us more than they have,” expounded Trujillo. The event will take place at the Wigwam Golf Club in Phoenix, Ariz. and is sure to be highly competitive. UCCS leads the conference right now but Fort Lewis is right on their heels. “I’m still waiting for us to play Mountain Lion golf and get us back on top before our season ends too soon,” concluded Trujillo. The team is on a mission for this to be their critical rebounding point as they head into the final part of the season, where, hopefully, they’ll return to their once dominant form. S
Photo courtesy of gomountainlions.com
Senior Chris Shoop has been an integral part of the UCCS golf team as the men search for their sixth consecutive RMAC title.
NBA Playoffs Underway, Nuggets looking to shock Thunder Ryan Piechowski rpiechow@uccs.edu The 82-game NBA regular season has come to a close, and the postseason has officially begun. With one of the most memorable regular seasons in recent memory complete, the playoffs are set and sure to keep fans entertained. Many new faces will make their playoff debuts with their new teams, as the top 16 teams in the league look to win the 16 games required to be crowned the 2011 NBA champion. While most of the hype surrounds the big name stars as they enter the playoffs with their new teams, few analysts and experts outside of Colorado have talked about the completely revamped Denver Nuggets squad. With Carmelo Anthony set to take the postseason stage with the New York Knicks, the Nuggets have a chance to prove to the basketball world that they are more than just the product of a superstar player. The Denver Nuggets have gone 18-7 since trading Anthony, Chauncey Billups and a few other pieces. Despite the dramatic trades, Denver has played their best basketball in some time, finishing the year with the fifth seed in the Western Conference and finding themselves in a crucial first round series against the Oklahoma City Thunder. The Nuggets have used team defense and balanced scoring to stay very much in the hunt for an NBA title. The acquisition of Wilson Chandler, Danilo Gallinari, Raymond Felton and Timofey Mozgov has been huge for the Nuggets, who many figured would drop out of the playoff race after losing their leading scorer and team leader. Chandler, Gallinari, and Felton are all potent scorers with a wide offensive skill set. Pointguard Ty Lawson has emerged as a full blown NBA starter, whose production has sky rocketed since the departure of Billups. Despite a surprisingly great end to the regular season, Lawson and the rest of the new look Nuggets face a tough opponent in Kevin Durant and the Oklahoma City Thunder. The Thunder, much like the Nuggets, are an offensive-minded squad who like to push the tempo throughout the entire game. The Nuggets biggest gap is their lack of quality big men off the bench and a
Photo courtesy of sitetowatchmovies.info
The Denver Nuggets have gone 18-7 since they traded Carmelo Anthony and company, which sent a resonating messege of confidence to the rest of the NBA. Denver may need a real team effort to get past the OKC Thunder.
recent ankle injury to back-up center, Mozgov, will leave the Denver front line even more depleted; while the Nuggets face a lack of size down low, the Thunder added center Kendrick Perkins at the trade deadline to improve their already dangerous roster. The key to winning this series for the Nuggets is to contain either Russell Westbrook or Kevin Durant. Shutting both of them down is next to impossible but keeping one of them in check will improve Denver’s chances at a first round upset.
Denver goes in to these playoffs without the high expectations they have carried with them over the past few seasons, but on the other hand, after taking the Lakers to their limit in the first round of last year’s postseason, the Thunder have many believing they have a real shot at the finals. If the Nuggets can get consistent production from four or five of their best scorers as well as improve their defense on Oklahoma City’s superstar duo, they may find themselves going a lot further than anyone expected. S
athletics
April 19 to April 25, 2011
Sp
S T R O
Page 9
BuZZ
Despite latest anguish of Bonds and NFL lockout, world of sports still beating strong in nation’s heart Matthew Crandall mcrandal@uccs.edu The world of sports may have seen a lot of controversy, disgust and disappointment over the last few years, all of which seemed to blow up successively sport by sport, but the love for the game is still very much alive in the nucleus of our culture. Sports aren’t just a part of our society; they’re engrained into the fabric of it. However, some of the controversies as of late have placed an irritating zit upon the glorious face of professional athletics. For example, as I loaded my computer’s msn.com homepage earlier last week, two of the three news headlines that showered my screen included possible outcomes of the steroid scandal of former San Francisco Giants baseball player, Barry Bonds, and Los Angeles Lakers phenom, Kobe Bryant, who was fined $100,000 for using a gay slur toward referee Bennie Adams during their game last Tuesday. I was somewhat taken aback as I sat at my desk, staring off into a sporadic trance, waiting for my brain to access my childhood rolodex of iconic sports heroes which finally narrowed in on Bonds and Bryant, buffering my memory with two valuable adolescent events; I
used to pretend I was Bonds as my friends and I engaged in homerun contests to see who could hit tiny rocks the furthest with a large plastic bat, across a pond to which we all lived adjacent. (This was the early 90’s, so Super Nintendo and playing outside were all we had to pass the time during the summer.) And, the second revelation included me sitting courtside with my dad at a Nuggets game in 1996 as Bryant continued to forge his name into NBA history as one of only a handful of guys to ever be drafted straight out of high school. My young, 13-year-old mind sat in awe as I watched a kid only five years older than me playing professional basketball, thinking that was the coolest thing ever. Reality finally returned, clearing my mental screensaver, bringing me back to the current day where the flawed human condition has been running rampant in the world of professional sports over the last several years; Tiger Woods is finally beginning to make a linear climb out of the near-death experience his career saw during the sex scandal of 2009, and NFL quarterback Michael Vick is impressively redeeming his former status as a dog killer, as he served time in prison for leading illegal dog fighting rings. The NFL is still in a confused state of mind as players
Image courtesy of lyricsdog.edu
Former San Francisco Giants player, Barry Bonds, was found guilty on one single count of obstruction of justice last Wednesday. Bonds was accused of lying to a grand jury in 2003.
and owners fight childishly over more money, longer regular season schedules and only God knows what else. Only time will tell if there will be football next year, but hey, at least the Nuggets are in the playoffs, right? It’s easy to dwell on the negative and see things only as they are, and not what they could potentially be in the future. The economy is still in the crapper and the country is on the brink of another presidential election,
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all the while gas prices remain at a stagnant halt of three and a half dollars. Despite everything Americans are subjected to in this life, the reprieve of sports is still a great way to see some slivers of light during a time where darkness appears to loom across the horizon. I went to a Colorado Mammoth lacrosse game last Friday with some friends from work, and it was exactly what I needed. It felt great to cheer on
the Mammoth and remove myself from the fabric of everyday life, and enter the fabric of everyday sports. We’re told to believe in something greater than ourselves, so why not apply it that premise a sporting event? The Mammoth won, I enjoyed hanging out with my friends, and we ate great food after the game. Athletics won’t change my life, but it supplied enough fuel to boost me back into the real world. S
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opinion
Page 10
April 19 to April 25, 2011
Who’s the loser without the phone, and tell me, how is she still alive and breathing?
Jessica Lynch jlynch@uccs.edu In the past few weeks, I have experienced and seen more than my share of communication failures. And these weren’t itty bitty misunderstandings; no, these were, “You are the spawn of Satan and now I hate you forever because you suck at communicating things that are important to me via text!” types of situations. When it comes right down to it, for all the years we’ve been talking, we really haven’t fig-
ured out how to communicate effectively over text message. I mean, in person, if someone is being an idiot, it’s a lot easier to give them a quick slap to the face than if they’re at home, or driving down the road or in another city texting you. I’m not saying it can’t be done, but gas is expensive and I’m relatively broke. The thing about texting is that while it’s wonderful for in class, during a meeting, at work, walking your dog or while doing anything else that might require even a smidgen of your attention, it is the most easily misconstrued form of communication available to our generation. The majority of us love it; we seemingly (and sometimes literally) can’t live without it, and we check for messages and imagine vibrations enough to warrant a full psychological exam. I think I have a permanent
crick in my neck from glancing down at my phone. Last Saturday, my phone broke. At the time, I was heartbroken. I mean, it was like my child had just drowned in a raging river because no one –including myself – was brave enough to jump in and save her. I stared at my phone longingly, willing it to send and receive messages like the champ it used to be; I petted it and caressed it against my bosom, but still, it died on me. I have since been without a phone – minus a few minutes when it miraculously came back to life like a boss or a present day Jesus Christ – for approximately four days. I have also since seen all previous miscommunications go by the wayside. Aside from my fear of breaking down on the side of the road and meeting Pedo Bear, I’m beginning to think
life would be a lot less complicated if I lived a little less connected. You see, there was a time when I didn’t own a phone. Yes, the memories are a little fuzzy, and the visuals are a bit blurred around the edges, but I’m pretty sure I was okay and happy and boys still liked me. But of course, at that point in my life I was naïve and didn’t know any better. I didn’t know that texting would become the single most important part of any future relationship. Sure, this is a dramatized statement, but it’s also relatively true, too. We live through texts; we pray for texts; we give up sleep for texts; we get angry over texts; we cry over texts; we laugh over texts; and in severe cases, we develop carpal tunnel. We let texts rule our lives just like we let ourselves cry for twenty minutes every time we watch Simba’s dad die in
“The Lion King.” For most of us, it starts to be a problem when we begin to expect constant and consistent attention from particular people in our lives. Some of us might even gauge the other one’s feelings based on the frequency and speed of their texts. We should all burn in Hell for that. This isn’t to say that being phoneless has been a complete, sun-drenched walk through the park where I think everyone likes me because I haven’t had a single texting issue, but the drawbacks have been small in comparison. Yes, I had to find someone willing to part with their phone to place calls, and I had to sit down at my computer to check both my email and Facebook, but I survived. And to be quite honest, I think I’m better for it. What I really mean is, my neck is starting to feel a little less stiff. So yeah, that’s nice. S
I’ll cook your dinner if you’ll make my dessert
Cherise Fantus cfantus@uccs.edu “A good wife always knows her place.” This is a quote from an article supposedly published in “Housekeeping Monthly” on May 13, 1955, entitled “The good wife’s guide.” I was thinking about this article this weekend when I had some girlfriends over for fondue. As we were preparing dinner, we got to talking about marriage and what we expect of it, and what we think a “good wife” is. One friend said that the thought of cooking for a man made her ill, and threw up in her mouth a little bit when I donned my apron. According to “The good wife’s guide,” you should “have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you
have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.” Now, I would consider myself a feminist, so I obviously don’t feel the need to have dinner on the table for my husband when he comes home. On the other hand, the thought of making him dinner does not make me ill. I actually take joy from cooking for my husband – not because I feel it’s my duty, but because I love him, and I genuinely want to make him happy. If cooking a meal for him every now and then will provide that, I’m all for it. I also feel great joy when he cooks for me, which he does often. I’m sure if we asked him (he’s in Iraq, so I can’t actually ask him), he would say he enjoys cooking for me for the very same reason I enjoy cooking for him. A good balance is what makes any relationship happy. While the ideas in the guide are obviously antiquated, like, “Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work,” or “Listen to him. You may have
a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours,” I don’t suggest outright rejecting them and refusing to do anything for your significant other. Some of the ideas, if practiced by both members of the relationship, can help make you both happy. There is no harm in doing something nice for your significant other, as long as both parties are willing to participate and reciprocate. Fixing your husband a drink when he comes home from work after a hard day is thoughtful and a great way to show him you care. Your husband expecting you to fix him a drink every day when he comes home from work is unreasonable and offensive. I will still give my husband the stink eye when he sarcastically tells me to get in the kitchen and make him a sandwich, but if he asks me nicely, I will gladly help him out. I am not there to serve him, but I am there to make him happy, and he is there to make me happy. The desire to make one another happy is healthy, and is the key to a lasting relationship. S
Image courtesy of flickr.com
Ten minutes ago, I was covered in gravy and tearing my hair out. I keep a clean apron by the door just for when my husband comes home.
the
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“Still, if a statement cannot reasonably be interpreted to be one of express or implied fact, it cannot be libelous. This means that humor columns, spoofs, cartoons and satire are protected as long as readers understand that the material is not intended to be taken seriously.” -Student Press Law Center
Student sentenced to three years’ community service for jaywalking happy.” Cloud was able to evade/toy with campus police for about 10 minutes until he darted back across the street toward campus. According to an unapologetic Cloud, “I just got bored after a few minutes; then I realized I was late for class so I left them in my dust as I took off back across the street.” Cloud’s criminal justice professor added the following, “I just remember him coming in late and being slightly out of breath, I did not really think much of it until five campus police officers stormed my classroom and tackled him. One pulled out a Taser and zapped him for about 30 seconds straight. Every girl in my class must’ve been screaming as it was happening. When I finally took in everything that was happening, I yelled at them and they simply hauled Sean’s limp body away. Cloud is to begin his serving his service sentence posting “No-Jay Walking” signs around campus on Monday. S
Stephen Farrell sfarrell@uccs.edu As of last week, university officials have sentenced Student Sean Cloud to three years of on-campus community service for jaywalking across Austin Bluffs Boulevard in late January. According to campus police, Cloud was seen darting across the busy street between traffic after coming from the trail that leads to the church parking lot. When campus police approached Cloud, he then ran back across the street toward the church in between traffic a second time. Campus police pursued Cloud until they grew tired. According to one officer, “We chased him to that empty field just across the road from Columbine Hall, and he pulled off his jacket and began to maneuver around us, while at the same time taunting us, as if he was bullfighting or something; needless to say we weren’t
The news in brief Nightclub to open in the UC
Due to the success of the recently opened Pure Las Vegas at Caesar’s Palace, owners Andre Agassi, Celine Dion and Shaquille O’Neal have decided to open several more clubs across the nation. The first of these will be opening at UCCS. During the upcoming renovations to the UC, the space across from Clyde’s will be converted into a nightclub. As in the club at Caesar’s Palace, there will be three sections where you can listen to house music, hiphop or rock. There will be a dress code, and table service and VIP rooms available. The club is expected to be frequented by celebrities and is sure to always be hot. S
Student oversleeps, is late to class On Monday, a student showed up fourteen minutes late to his anthropology class. After a late night studying, sophomore Brandon Tardy turned his alarm clock off rather than hitting snooze as usual. He finally woke up at 9:15 a.m., when he was due in class at 9:25. With no time to lose, he threw on some clothes, grabbed a Poptart and bolted out the door. “I didn’t have time to shower,” said Tardy, “I felt like a total scumbag all day.” Tardy has since purchased a second alarm clock to ensure his future timeliness. S
Satan announces plan to run for president
Satan has announced this week that he will be running for president in 2012 for the Independent party. “I figured I could get more votes than Donald Trump, at least” said the devil. He is running on the platform of destroying the world. His campaign slogan will be, “The Mayans were right, bitches!” As president, he plans to bomb every other nation in the world, creating a massive war causing the planet to perish, thus rendering the Mayan prophecy accurate. Surprisingly, there has been a large response by people who intend to vote for him. S
Math major makes a friend
A math major made a friend earlier this week. Freshman Sandy Lone was in class 10 minutes early, as usual, when Nancy Quiet, who was sitting near her, struck up a conversation. As it turned out, they had a lot in common – both were math majors, freshmen and grew up in small towns. They talked until the class started and after it finished, they walked together to their next classes, which were both in Dwire Hall. They exchanged numbers and plan to hang out this weekend.
-Scribe Staff
Photo Courtesy of blogs.citypages.com
No matter what the accompanying article is about, the Flying Spagetti Monster is always an appropriate illustration. Also, don’t jaywalk and such.
TOP TEN
ways to celebrate Friday
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Get up at 7 a.m.
See your friends
Debate which seat to take
Remind yourself of the day of the week
Partyin’ yeah...
Have fun...fun...fun
Reassure yourself numerous times tt today is in fact Friday
Make an excuse to use bad grammar: We so excited.
Get down
Look forward to the weekend
-Scribe Staff
UCCS students responsible for nationwide shutdown Marguerite Breeden mbreeden@uccs.edu With less than a month left in the semester, students should be buckling down and studying hard for finals. Although many UCCS students agree that this statement is true, most still spend hours on Facebook instead of studying. Last week, students at UCCS decided that tending to their farms or building up their mafias was more important than going to class or studying. All of the stress of the semester and impending finals became too much, and students began to procrastinate via Facebook en masse. At 8:07 p.m. Thursday, every student at UCCS was logged onto Facebook at the same time. The servers simply couldn’t handle the volume and completely crashed. Students were shocked when they could no longer access the procrastination engine, and were extremely upset to realize they had no choice but to do their homework. When the crash occurred, senior Michael Campbell had just reached level 150 in Farmville. After he had bought one last cow for his farm, the page reloaded and announced that Facebook had shut down due to copious amounts of activity. Frustrated, Campbell
headed to the library, where he tried to study but became distracted by the large blue bumps that had formed on his skin. According to Dr. Schnitzel from Hodtl Research Center, the blue spots on Campbell’s skin were from a disease Schnitzel named “Facebookulosis.” Other symptoms of this disease include lack of understanding of the English language and a total loss of communication skills, both of which have also been evidenced on campus. Facebookulosis has also spread to surrounding colleges. Because many students have been diagnosed with Facebookulosis, UCCS and other neighboring colleges are implementing new classes on re-teaching students how to speak English, basic communication skills and how to take care of themselves. It has been noted that students who are Facebook addicts have been known to turn completely blue and lose their sense of self. Schnitzel is at work developing a drug that can cure Facebookculosis. However, this is proving difficult. While Facebook is back up, it will be blocked from campus computers until a cure is developed. S
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