Honi Soit, Week 3, Semester 1 2012 by David Mack

HONISOIT

20 12

Week Three March 21

The Tech Wave: Student startups hitting it big

The Stenmark twins: Ridiculously good looking

Packer bets on Barangaroo development

FEATURE

PROFILE

NEWS REVIEW

Contents THIS WEEK

9 The Third Drawer 10 Taboo 11 Profile

Nick Findlater revisits Playschool

Christopher Hitchens somehow manages to send his latest update from Heaven

3 4 6 8

Spam

Prophetic words from Honi’s first editor and the letters of the week

Campus News Kira Spucys-Tahar searches for answers at St John’s

News Review Dominic Wilcox on who the banana benders and cane cutters will chose on Sunday

Op-Shop

Riding the Tech Wave:

Culture Vulture

James Alexander chats with some gnarly tech guys about startups

MUSE Presents: Kiss Me Kate 7pm, The Seymour Centre, ACCESS $20/Student $25/Adult $35

Cole Porter’s Kiss Me, Kate is a hilarious musical comedy based around Shakespeare’s Taming of the Shrew. Based on sneek previews we are pretty damn excited about this show! Read more on page 14.

Reporters: Bryant Apolonio, Adam Chalmers, Max Chalmers, Elodie Cheesman, Nick Findlater, William Haines, Neha Kasbekar, Nick Rowbotham, Lane Sainty, Sertan Saral, Joseph Wang, Lucy Watson, Dominic Wilcox, Matt Clarke

Neha Kasbekar analyses Alain de Botton on atheism

Crossword: Paps

Tech & Online

Cover: Michaela Upton

Sertan Saral and Joseph Wang discuss things that most of you won’t understand

Mature-aged student, Tracy, has been given her first group assignment

Comics and Cartoons: Erin Rooney

Advertising: Tina Kao and Amanda LeMay publications.manager@src.usyd.edu.au www.src.usyd.edu.au / www.honisoit.com

Disclaimer: Honi Soit is published by the Students’ Representative Council, University of Sydney, Level 1 Wentworth Building, City Road, University of Sydney, NSW, 2006. The SRC’s operation costs, space and administrative support are financed by the University of Sydney. The editors of Honi Soit and the SRC acknowledge the traditional owners of this land, the Ga-

SRC Pages

digal people of the Eora nation. Honi Soit is written, printed, and distributed on Aboriginal land. Honi Soit is printed under the auspices of the SRC’s directors of student publications: Rafi Alam, Peta Borella, Michael de Waal, Jeremy Leith, Leo Nelson, Astha Rajvanshi and Max Schinter. All expressions are published on the basis that they are not to be regarded as the opinions of the SRC unless specifically stated. The Council accepts no responsibility for the accuracy of any of the opinions or information contained within this newspaper, nor does it endorse any of the advertisements and insertions.

So, call me maybe?

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Honi’s Guide to what’s on THU

Sui Zhen is a singer/songwriter/composer from Sydney who has supported the likes of Kimya Dawson (USA), The Brunettes (NZ, SubPop), and Malcolm Middleton (of ArabStrap, USA).

Editors: James Alexander, Bebe D’Souza, Paul Ellis, Jack Gow, Michael Koziol, Rosie Marks-Smith, James O’Doherty, Kira Spucys-Tahar, Richard Withers, Connie Ye

Lane Sainty left her iron on

Planner Sui Zhen: Cupboards and Sand Launch 1pm, Fbi Social, FREE

The Back Page

Contributors: Miles Kellerman, David Mack, Ciaran Magee, Patrick Byrnes

17 Action-Reaction 18 The Sandstone Report

Nick Rowbotham stops the presses in the name of facts

WED

Lecture Notes

Chief Dooby Whacker: Hannah Bruce

David Mack practices his ‘blue steel’ with the Stenmark twins

22 23

FRI

Rat 6:30pm, La Mama Theatre, Student $15

Holi Mahotsav Festival 11am, Darling Harbour, FREE

This is the opening night of a play about striving to be yourself, against the grain of expectation. A comic exploration of power – RAT asks us to consider who we are and what we, and other people, want us to be?

Watch international dancing and music groups. Or head down on Sunday for colour throwing, Yeah, you heard us!

Facebook for Seniors 1:30pm, Customs House Library, Free

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Ever wanted to teach pops how to use ‘the Facebook’? City of Sydney are running free IT workshops so nan can learn to like, tag and stalk as well as you can.

Dive in Movies 7:30pm, Willoughby Leisure Centre Swimming pool, $7 Watch Easy A while going for a swim. Why the hell not?!

Princeton Jazz at the Con 7pm, Music Workshop, Student $10 Really good musicians playing jazz.

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Picasso Till Midnight 3pm - 12am, Art Gallery of NSW, Student $18

Sunday Cider Sessions 4pm-8pm, Cruise Bar, FREE

The Picasso exhibition will shortly be leaving Australia, so for two nights the gallery will be staying open till midnight, with live music and lucky door prizes, for last chance viewings.

Dirty Granny Cider have partnered with Cruise Bar this summer to bring you Sunday Cider Sessions. Enjoy a refreshing apple cider, overlooking Cruise’s breathtaking harbour views.

Heavy Metal in the Tropics: Gamelan Music of Bali Mon, 7:30pm, Recital Hall East, Sydney Conservatorium of Music

All Things Must Pass 7pm, The Cellar Theatre $5, $4, $3, $2

Stiff Gins with Black Tree 7pm, Tranby Aboriginal College, 11-13 Mansfield St, Glebe, FREE

Adult $20, Conc. & Friends $15 Student $10

Something strange had taken hold of the world, and it was called Beatlemania. Check out the SUDS production about the highs and lows of one of world’s most successful bands.

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Hosted by the NSW Reconciliation Council, this community event will feature acoustic music from both Indigenous and non-Indigenous artists. Entry is free but limited. Book online at: http://nswreconciliation.org.au/stiffgins.

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Tradtional music from Bali of the Gamelan Orchestra is not often performed in Australia, so make sure you check out this special concert. Not only will the music be exciting, the intrsuments themselves are also incredibly beautiful.

Spam LETTERS

Flaccid Donger? Frank Derrick

Arts XVIII (again) Dear Honi, Shouldn’t we all have moved on from being invited to laugh (or cry) at Donger’s stuff on freshers in a rape dungeon and on sexually assaulting a drunk woman on a dance floor. Few people find it funny and the actions verge on criminality. I guess a Law Student writing under the guise of anonymity would know that anyway. And what’s Honi got to gain by denying one skerrick of editorial responsibility. How about issuing a few ‘The editor regrets she cannot publish this because it laughs at the sexual assault of women’, hypothetically or in reality? How about running a ‘We regret’ line as a real gesture towards International Women’s Day?

Slicker than the seventies Dr Keith Suter

In response to Sorcha McGee’s critical assessment of the enrolment process, I enrolled for my first Sydney degree back in 1973 and have just re-enrolled for another. The present system is a lot better than that of the 1970s! Indeed compared with my experiences in the 1970s, I am amazed at just how quick and painless it all was. Full marks to the University Administration on this one. In reply to our enquiries, Dr Suter sent us another letter: I am now doing my 3rd PhD! Some men drink, some gamble, I do PhDs! My 1st PhD (Sydney) – 1973-6 - was in the international law of guerrilla

FROM THE VAULT...

EDITORIAL warfare.

the working group is too.

Then I did an external part time PhD at Deakin in the economics of the arms race.

I wanted to draw attention to the work the SRC and SUPRA did in making these hubs not some weird experiment but something students will actually use. I sometimes used to hear students say “But what do you actually do as SRC President? How does it affect me?” Now those students know what they can expect from people such as the SRC President as they enjoy the view from Carslaw level 2 out across Victoria Park.

Now I am completing a PhD again at Sydney on the future of the Uniting Church (where I served 1976-2008) I have had a full life! Now I am (among other things) the Foreign Editor of Channel 7 “Sunrise” (and I give talks on work!)

Learning from our student leaders Elly Howse Masters of Public Health Dear Honi, I’m writing to draw your attention to an article published last week in the Week 2 edition by Joseph Wang about the new ‘Learning Hubs’ at Carslaw, PNR and Wallace (which he did not mention, probably because it was always going to be a chiefly postgraduate space). What he conveniently did not mention was the amount of time myself and other former student presidents spent discussing how the available grant money from the Federal Government and top-up funds from the University could best be utilised. The idea of a mix of resources and different spaces available to a range of students was pushed very hard by myself (as SRC President in 2010) and my colleagues at SUPRA. Indeed, we even put together a lengthy report after surveying 2,000 students about what exactly they wanted from a ‘Learning Hub’. The University’s working group that made the final decisions and investments was a great example of how students and staff could work together in a productive, meaningful way and achieve decent outcomes. I, for one, am incredibly proud of the result and I daresay

I also hope students remember which students were responsible for significant decisions and changes made in the university come election time, because running the SRC and representing 32,000 undergraduate students can often be a thankless task until great projects like this come to fruition. PS. My original suggestion for the spending of the money was to knock down the whole eyesore that is the Carslaw building and replace it with something less disgusting and ugly. Unfortunately there wasn’t enough money, which seems to be an increasingly common theme in the university...

Dumpster diving advice Haley Shaffer BA III Dear Lucy Watson, I’m a fairly avid dumpster diver who has saved hundreds of dollars of groceries in the last year from my bin pursuits, and I’ve got to say that your write-up on the practice doesn’t do it justice. In the past week my friends and I have dug up various treats, almost all within their use by dates, many good until 2013. We usually check a dumpster that’s within walking distance from our respective residences, and thus expend minimal time and effort on finding food. Admittedly, the whole process can be a bit hit or miss (as evidenced by your experience) but if you take the time to consistently check a few dumpsters you can figure out the best days for bin finds and avoid wasted time digging through trash. We spent no more time checking the bin this week than we would have spent roving the aisles of Coles or Woolworths. Even better, our little hearts rest easy knowing that we’ve saved good food from landfill. Don’t be discouraged by one or two bad dives! Be persistent and your efforts will pay off. Don’t take anything you aren’t sure about eating, wash everything thoroughly, and be sure to bring a good pair of rubber gloves and a torch.

ey kids! I hope your first couple of weeks at uni have been grand. Have you joined a club or society yet? Fed the ducks in Victoria Park? Found that certain spunky someone to stare at during lectures that will make those long, dreary hours pass in a haze of erotic imaginings? Good. That is what uni is all about. This university is a magical place. Incredible things happen here daily and you have every opportunity to be a part of them. I bumbled through my first two years here completely oblivious to the fact that my university had the most impressive offering of clubs and societies in Australia, regular student produced shows of professional standards, and a secret garden near the Quad (I take a detour to visit Mercury and Fortuna as often as I can). Don’t let this all pass you by. Be brave and dive in like a giraffe wearing a bikini for the first time. In the feature this week, our resident tech guru James Alexander shares his love of startups with the world, profiling some fellow Usyd students who have channelled their inner-Zuckerberg and set up their own online companies. Our Parisisan correspondent, David Mack, shares fashion tips with the Stenmark twins (see left. Yeah, look again, you know you want to). Only last year these guys were sitting in lectures before Tom Ford came a-ringin’ because they’re so darned chiselled. I know it sounds like a wank but get involved during your time here. Aim high, find the support you need and get excited about that big idea. You never know where it could take you. I’m not sure if you’ve noticed yet but we’ve started to include a weekly secret link (that funny pixellated square thing on the opposite page). Get out your gadgets and have a look see! Don’t forget we always love to hear your feedback and are always on the hunt for talented contributors and photographers. Thanks to Michaela Upton for the freakin’ sweet cover design. Hannah Bruce is a Twitter twat: @HBdizzle

Love H at i t? Te ll e i t? hon U s ... isoi t 201

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Corrections: Week 1, March 7,“Road Test”, failed to contain the following disclaimer: Honi Soit does not endorse the views of Nick Rowbotham. His opinion is based on a single cup of coffee at each establishment. Week 2, March 14 article, “Mardi Gras Mayhem”, contained several factual errors. The Queer Student Network is different to the Australian Queer Student Network, or AQSN; the acronym was wrongly used. The QSN was established in 2000, not 2009, the year of its relaunch. The group has not received funds from university organisations. “Ms Jade London” is, in fact, Mr Jade London, who currently attends UTS, not the University of Sydney. Clarifications: O-Week, February 29: The featured quote in “Money Changes Everything” positioned the quote below the image of the Vice-Chancellor, Dr Michael Spence. This quote was not meant to be interpreted as being attributed to Dr Spence.

facebook.com/honisoitsydney

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Campus News WEEKLY NEWS

NTEU takes the next step

Reputation rising

Adam Chalmers follows the Fair Work Australia action The National Tertiary Education Union (NTEU) has taken the University of Sydney to Fair Work Australia over the decision to cut over one hundred academic staff. The University has been asked to stop the job cuts process until the case is heard. If the hearing is successful, the University of Sydney may have to restart the whole process of laying off staff. But if the Ombudsman sides with the University, the staff will have no further legal protection against being made redundant. Fair Work Australia is an independent government body that resolves disputes between workers and their employers. The NTEU thinks the University acted unfairly by firing people based on their publication history over three years, when during this time the staff had no idea their performance would lead to being fired. They claim the University has essentially shifted the goal posts after the game. As popular philosophy lecturer Adrian Heathcote told Lateline on Friday, “The offer was made on the assumption - or on the premise - that there was a failure to meet a certain publication requirement, a publication requirement that had never been set to any of us.” At time of writing, academics expect

HONI TAB

to be informed of the termination of employment on Monday. This final round of staff cuts was selected by the deans of each faculty. Each dean was given a list of staff that hadn’t met the ‘four or more publications’ rule, and were able to select some of them to be saved from the process. Staff and students have questioned how useful these guidelines for saving staff actually are. As student Eleanor Gordon-Smith told Lateline, “The deans were given certain criteria that they could use to exempt people from the culling process. Quality of teaching wasn’t one of them. Quantity was, but quality wasn’t.” Deputy Vice-Chancellor Stephen Garton again defended the cuts on Lateline, “Our concern was not to lose some of our best minds,” he said. Mr Garton said the University had examined what it meant to be an academic, and settled upon “a criterion of, say, three publications over a three year period, which is roughly the academic board definition of what constitutes a research-active academic.” Fair Work Australia is still hearing the NTEU case. The National Tertiary Education Union will be holding rallies against the job cuts for the foreseeable future until July 1, when the cuts are scheduled to come into effect.

Connie Ye on the latest international university rankings

A prestigious British newspaper has ranked the University of Sydney among the top fifty universities in the world. According to the most recent Times Higher Education World Reputation Rankings, the University has risen eight spots from last year’s index to 50 th. Based on perceptions of universities’ reputations for teaching and research, the rankings were produced from academic surveys of over 17,500 respondents from 137 countries.

hogwarts: BETTING CLOSED adfa: $2.35

Acting Vice-Chancellor Professor Stephen Garton welcomed it as “an extremely encouraging result”. The index has however been dismissed as being too subjectivite. The rankings are built “purely from academics’ opinions”, as editor of the Times Higher Education World Reputation Rankings, Phil Baty has acknowledged. He suggested that Australia’s top universities previously suffered from “image problems’ with objective rankings faring better than their reputation. Two other Australian universities, University of Melbourne and ANU, were ranked 43 and 44 respectively. Harvard University retained the top position.

Odds of INSTITUTIONS OUTRANKING USYD

Kyle Sandilands instutite for Diplomacy: $4.78 The Sheik al-Hilaly academy of Race Relations: $12.55 Joe Hockey School for Economics: $30.49

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textbooks

CHEAP!

Don’t pay full price for textbooks... buy them at SRC books.

• We buy & sell textbooks according to demand • You can sell your books on consignment. Please phone us before bringing in your books. • We are open to USYD students & the public NEW Location! Level 4, Wentworth Building (Next to the International Lounge) Hours: Mondays to Fridays 9am - 4.30pm Phone: (02) 9660 4756 Email: books@SRC.usyd.edu.au Search for text books online www.src.usyd.edu.au/default.php Call 02 9660 4756 to check availability and reserve a book.

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Campus News HONILEAKS We don’t need more money: leaked USU email

EXCL

Things might just be looking up for the union, write Michael Koziol and Kira Spucys-Tahar

A student organisation at a university declined to apply for a non-specific amount of money due to reasons which cannot be disclosed. Unnamed representatives from this undisclosed organisation declined to comment, but did threaten Honi Soit with legal action. This undisclosed information has subsequently been censored from print.

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D E R Solidarity Forever? The moderate Labor faction, Centre Unity, is still deciding who they will endorse for the Union Board election. Sources within Unity say there are three candidates: Economics and Social Sciences student Dylan Parker, Eco-

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nomics/Law student Penelope Parker (no relation), and INGS student John Harding-Easson. Honi Soit understands Harding-Easson is the firm favourite. Meanwhile, Labor Left (NLS) is struggling to field a viable candidate. A source told Honi Soit one male and one female have expressed interest in running, but that the faction may not commit to the campaign. There was speculation Nai Brooks, who was not elected but took a seat on the board when vacancies arose last year, would run again, but she has told Honi Soit she is not interested. “Everybody knows that she didn’t really have the clubs and socs base necessary to get across the line,” a source said. “That’s a problem at the moment [within NLS].” Another source said there had been an intense discussion and heated argument within caucus, but that NLS will always present a united front. Indeed.

Trouble in the sandstone citidel Kira Spucys-Tahar searches for answers at St John’s Another week, another attack against St John’s College. The Orientation Week drinking scandal exploded in the media over the past few weeks as the Rector Michael Bongers suspended 32 students. The general perception among college students, from St John’s and others, is that the only reason for the severity of the punishment is because of increased media attention in recent years. The alcohol incident took place on the fifth floor of the college’s Polding wing above the floor known as ‘Men’s Gallery’. It is an unofficial rule that the only residents of the floor are male, except for one female. This is balanced by the presence of ‘Women’s Gallery’ on the third floor below. As part of O-week college initiation activities, first year students are told to walk backwards down the ‘Men’s Gallery’ corridor. When the female fresher, along with a group of other first years, failed to comply, they chose to accept a ‘punishment’. The ‘justice’ served is a drink concocted by the sophomores for the

fReshers to consume. This was an alcoholic cocktail mixed with other substances, but nothing illegal. According to sources, the ‘hazing’ that took place was planned for multiple people and the girl involved went to the fourth floor knowingly and willingly. Honi Soit understands all participants were given the choice not to take part, and there is a system in place for fReshers who don’t want to participate in any hazing style activities. After the girl became unwell and was admitted to RPA hospital, the Rector Michael Bongers responded by indefinitely suspending all 32 residents of the fourth floor corridor. Despite speculation the suspension came as the students refused to give up the culprits, sources told Honi Soit there were a large number of students involved and many were unaware of the finer details of the incident and therefore unable to give the Rector much information. Sources alleged the Rector knew about these traditions and never chose to punish students before. The suspended

students feel the Rector neglected his duty of care. They believe he only undertook the measure not to protect the college, but to maintain his personal reputation when the story broke in the mainstream media. The students alleged they were coerced by the Rector into signing admissions of guilt, told to keep the incident to themselves and threatened with extra punishments if they spoke with the media. The St John’s community has many students from rural areas or interstate. Sources said several boys suspended

from the college were forced to stay in their cars, parked close to the university. Other boys have been forced to stay with their girlfriends in neighbouring colleges or find alternative accommodation by staying with friends. Despite this, the students are being forced to maintain the payment of their college fees for the duration of their suspension. They have been suspended ‘indefinitely’, but Honi Soit understands this will be up for review in the next two weeks. The Rector of St John’s, Michael Bongers, did not respond to inquiries.

Words with Friends If you could change anything about uni, what would it be? AFFAN MASTERS OF PHARMACY “Some of the ugly buildings. I want to feel like I’m walking around Hogwarts.”

ANNALIESE

CHARLIE

ARTS/COMMERCE I “I like the idea of a teleport machine. And hire Segues!”

PSYCHOLOGY II “I’d get rid of exams ... Also, Uni culture. I have a social life. I don’t need Uni for that.”

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GUN MEDICAL SCIENCE II “We need a Starbucks. And as a natural extension ... more bathrooms.”

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News Review SYDNEY DEVELOPMENTS

US POLITICS

Packer’s betting on Barangaroo

Sydney faces competing development pressures, writes Hannah Bruce The redevelopment of Barangaroo has been mired in controversy since 2003 when the NSW State Government announced that the stevedoring wharves at East Darling Harbour would be transformed into a new 22 hectare metropolitan precinct. Nine years on, Australia’s biggest urban development is well underway and has caught the eye of James Packer. The billionaire’s casino group, Crown, proposes to construct a billion dollar, 350-room hotel, world-class spa, casino and entertainment complex at Barangaroo Central, between the Headland Park and the commercial hub of Bangaroo South. The Barangaroo Delivery Authority says that Bangaroo Central is reserved as a communal area with low-rise residential, commercial and civic buildings and open-air spaces for festivals, entertainment, arts, culture and educational activities. Packer wants his world-class casino and hotel complex built north of the designated commercial precinct in order to take advantage of unbroken views of the Opera House and Sydney Harbour. The premier, Barry O’Farrell, has expressed overwhelming support for plans saying: “I think it’s an exciting proposal which could add extra life to Barangaroo, give Sydney another world-class hotel, generate jobs and boost tourism.” While there is no doubt the project will potentially reap millions of dollars, something O’Farrell desperately needs if he is to live up to his election promise of reinvigorating the state’s economy, it is difficult to quantify the

social costs of such big-ticket projects as the community loses grassy slopes to a gambling high-rise. The casino will attempt to compete with mega-casinos in Singapore and Macau by attracting a larger stake of Asian high-rollers. Renowned US landscape architect, Peter Walker, who has been retained to design Barangaroo’s headland park, revealed that his plans for Barangaroo Central included open playing fields for office workers and a ‘Domain-style’ amphitheatre. Former Prime Minister and former chairman of the Barangaroo Design Excellence Review Panel, Paul Keating, told Packer: “the public amenity of the lands is inviolate.” Piers Akerman, columnist for The Daily Telegraph argues: “Australia needs tourists, Sydney needs tourists, casino proprietor James Packer needs high-roller tourists.” Do we really need another casino only a short distance from the freshly (and expensively) renovated, Star? In the past couple of weeks Crown has increased its stake in Echo Entertainment, operators of The Star, to 10 per cent and has sought permission from regulators to increase its stake further. The Star holds an exclusive license as the only casino in NSW until 2019 under the current agreement with the New South Wales Casino Control Authority. If Crown can gain control of Echo, the proposed Barangaroo casino could operate under an extended license of The Star.

Obama not the end of the race story

Black America hasn’t seen the silver bullet yet, writes Max Chalmers In 2008 a cacophony of post-racial elation reverberated across America. The nation that had tainted its name through institutional slavery, Jim Crowism, and violent opposition to Civil Rights had triumphed over itself and elected a half African-American President. Throughout his campaign Barack Obama had encouraged such ‘post-racialism’. “There’s no black America, white America, Asian America, Latino America”—he said at one rally— “there’s the United States of America. This country wants to move beyond these kinds of divisions.” The crowd broke into an accelerating chant: “Yes we can, yes we can.” In the face of these intoxicating sentiments reality proves sobering. On the ground the importance of race is still seen and still felt. Studying abroad in Washington D.C. I was prophetically informed by local students about parts of the city not to visit. They referred, of course, to the poorer South-Eastern side of the city, the side that is overwhelmingly AfricanAmerican. As they always have, race and class mark boundaries. Being a white student at an expensive university my daily life never pushed me in to the grimmer parts of the District. I experienced limited interaction with the 50.6 per cent of the city who are black. My contact with this invisible majority tended to take place in three recurring situations; when being served at a checkout, when asked to show my ID by the security doormen, and when I was implored to be charitable by the homeless at my local metro stop. Just 8 per cent of my actual classmates were black. The university charges up to $60,000 a year for board and study in a

city where 18.5 per cent live below the poverty line. Empirical studies confirm my anecdotal experiences. According to a University of Michigan study 62 per cent of African Americans would have to move for the distribution of race across the city to be equally spread (i.e. for every suburb to be integrated in proportion to the racial breakdown of the whole city). The Number for New York is 78 per cent. What this tells us is that segregation, the cornerstone of white racism until the middle of the 20th century, continues, now enforced by cultural and economic rather than legal arbitrations. Ghettoisation endures. Race still helps define where you live and who your neighbours are. It also still affects your future prospects. 55 per cent of those in federal prisons are black in spite of the fact blacks make up only 12 per cent of the total population. Cycles of disadvantage have not been effectively severed. The feel-good Obama parade should not be rained on too heavily. His election symbolised how staggeringly far America has come. But symbols sometime promise more than reality yields. Electing a black president did not instantaneously complete America’s story of black-white reconciliation. It will take much time, effort, and goodwill before we see reality imitate symbol. Max Chalmers is on Twitter (but has not tweeted yet, at time of publication): @MaxChalmers90

Much Ado About Nothing

Dominic Wilcox went north to decipher the truth behind Saturday’s Queensland election Yes, once again it’s time for Banana Benders to decide which party will best serve the interests of the mining companies who donate to them. By all accounts, Labor is going to get a sizeable whopping on March 24. This is unusual, because Labor and Queensland go together like goon sunrises and plastic cups. The last time the Conservatives were in power was around the time of the dinosaurs, and they met a similar fate. But nevertheless, it looks like the relationship with Labor is on the rocks, as voters opt for a fling with an angry, exciting man who speaks in single-syllables and eats Weetbix made of granite for breakfast. Of course, what the people really want is a showdown between Kevin Rudd and Joh Bjelke-Peterson, but that’s never going to happen, is it, because of that bloody carbon tax. So here’s the QLD election in all its corrupt, unhinged glory.

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The People:

The Parties:

Anna Bligh (Labor): Is the current Premier, and Labor leader. She has managed to piss pretty much all of QLD off. She does have the distinct advantage, however, of being able to slip into a lift and change into a Wonder-Woman costume at the slightest hint of a low-pressure system.

The Liberal National Party: An uneasy alliance of country bogans and inner-city bogans. This election, the LNP will be running on a platform of privatisin’, slashin’ and burnin’, and makin’ boys into men.

Campbell Newman (Liberal National Party): The former mayor of Brisbane. A potent mix of adrenaline, rocket fuel, and anger, this man is so invincible that he didn’t even let a minor detail like not being a Member of Parliament stop him from running for Premier. Although it looks like he will succeed, there’s a very real chance that he will actually explode, or at the very least eat a kitten in front of the cameras, thus ruining his appeal. Bob Katter: The Mad Katter will make a few token appearances, where he will angrily rail against everything that is un-Australian, such as gays, greenies and throat lozenges.

Labor: Has the same platform, but delivered with a smile. The Greens: Who? Bob Katter’s Australian Party: Intriguingly, Bob’s bleatings of ascending volume have failed to translate in to support for his new-formed cult of personality. No doubt this will change when Queenslanders finally wake up to discover they have been conned by an unholy alliance of supermarkets, the WTO, aliens, and respectable dress-sense.

The Issues: Floods: We all know that Anna Bligh used her super-powers to personally save everyone from the floods which inundated Queensland last summer. But

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those rascals in the LNP are trying to prove that Bligh is actually a weather god who started the floods in the first place as part of her evil socialist plan. The Economy: Which in Queensland means only one thing: mining. Both leaders will be trying to appease the mining companies in a bid to avoid having dynamite planted under their beds (or in the case of Anna Bligh, kryptonite). Hats: Despite what they may tell you, this election is actually about hats. Bligh and Newman have competed furiously with each other to wear the largest and most ridiculous hats whenever they are more than 80cm west of Brisbane. Is Campbell Newman actually the devil? This debate has dominated the last few weeks of the campaign. Labor of course insists that he is, but as yet, Newman has not confirmed or denied these rumours, possibly in an attempt to woo Brisbane’s sizeable Goth population.

www.law.unimelb.edu.au/jd

Op-Shop Snap back to reality (oh, there goes gravity) The state of journalism is all too often a fact-free zone, writes Nick Rowbotham I recently read an article arguing that the achievements of Obama as president have been vastly understated and underappreciated. It systematically laid out his tangible policy victories in various areas and contended - quite convincingly I thought - that the Obama administration, and in particular Obama as a president and personality, have been thoroughly misunderstood. It was a unique and refreshing analysis, but it gave pause for thought: why was the thought of a journalist appealing to facts so surprising? The writer had merely demonstrated that the myriad attacks on Obama’s legislative agenda were usually baseless and occasionally outright absurd, asserting failure where there in fact had been success. I couldn’t help but feel that this type of political journalism – referred to in the U.S. as ‘reality-based’ commentary, is in dangerously short supply. So, a modest proposal: if we were to do a similar, reality-based appraisal of our government over the last five years, what might it look like? And recall, before we start, the one and only rule of the reality-based paradigm: you’re only allowed to use facts! Shock horror! There is a loud school of thought, pedaled chiefly by News Ltd. media and the shock jocks, that the Rudd/ Gillard government wrote off Howard’s budget surplus, piled on mountains of debt, and imposed a series of wealth-destroying taxes on everyday Australians. Big claims, but let’s put our reality-based shoes on and examine this, starting with the budget deficit. In 2007 a thing called the GFC hit

us and would’ve forced us into deficit regardless of whether there had been a stimulus package or not, thanks to what economists call the budget’s ‘automatic stabilisers’. Fortunately, there was a stimulus package - two in fact - both designed by those well known Trotskyites at Federal Treasury and both credited, at least partially, for guiding us through the crisis: unemployment peaked at just 5.8 per cent here. What about the Building the Education Revolution program, you say?! The program whose complaint rate was only 3 per cent? Awkward… Stimulus aside, the fact remains that this government is the most fiscally reckless in the nation’s history! Well, no, not exactly. The government has quite foolishly in my view - staked its political fortunes on a return to surplus in the next budget, with a more coherent, and arguably stronger, stance than the opposition. And what of us being mired in debt? Australia has the third lowest level of central government debt in the OECD, nearly six times less than the U.S. and eight times less than Britain. Believe it or not, we have less government debt than Switzerland, Norway, and Sweden. But surely we can’t deny the pure evil of those taxes! There is now much mythology surrounding Kevin Rudd’s mining tax, the RSPT/MRRT/apocalyptic nation-destroyer. Let’s get realitybased on this bad boy, because it probably deserves the most attention of any of these bogeys. State and federal governments already received royalties on the extraction of natural resources prior to there being a mining tax. The

Western Australian government took in $3.9 billion last year from mining royalties alone. States are allowed to levy as much as they like, so one of the aims of the RSPT was to streamline the inefficient royalty system and replace it with a nice, simple, broad-based tax. Fact: the after-tax profit margin in the mining industry was 31 per cent in 2010, compared with the eight per cent average in the rest of Australian industry. Moreover, the mining sector in Australia is 83 per cent foreign owned: thus a mining tax would allow us to retain a larger portion of the profits - our profits - in Australia, while permitting an easing of the tax burden on individuals and businesses. Oh, and did I mention that the mining tax was developed by Treasury’s chief Marxist, Ken Henry? Shit, those facts are at it again! And what of the piece de resistance of Gillard’s socialist plot for world domination, the carbon tax? The first thing to get straight is that a price on carbon is about as neoclassical, dare I say neoliberal, an economic policy as you can get. The conservative New Zealand Prime Minister just introduced

one, David Cameron wants one, and John Howard supported one in 2007. The current permutation of the dreaded carbon tax actually includes a raising of the tax-free threshold and a compensation package that leaves millions no worse off. If anything, the huge amount of compensation and limited scope of the tax - applying only to the top 500 polluters - make it far weaker than Rudd’s original emissions trading scheme, the model favoured by John Howard and supported by Malcolm Turnbull. So, yes, the pink batts insulation scheme was botched, asylum seeker policy is an unmitigated disaster, and Labor’s factional bickering and leadership tension embarrasses us all. Criticism on these grounds is perfectly healthy and understandable; but too often, the government has been mercilessly savaged for things it’s got very right, and there’s been very little by way of pushback. The solution? Bring on more reality-based journalism! Nick Rowbotham narrowly avoided a lawsuit for his last Honi piece. Fact.

Sun goes down on Labor in the sunshine state

The attempt to disgrace Campbell Newman backfired with extra soot, writes Michael Koziol The sun is setting on another Labor government: there will be but four left soon, and that’s if you count the territories. And as these dominoes fall, not lightly toppling but imploding with a thunderous crash, you don’t have to spend much time in voterland to realise it’s not Campbell Newman with the credibility problem, it’s brand Labor. Which is why it was sad to see Queensland Labor resort to the baseless mud-slinging and dirt-flicking which characterised this election campaign. Chest puffed and indignant, it decried Newman a cheat and a liar and a corrupt, dishonourable man. It turned Anna Bligh, so recently Queensland’s saviour, in to its shrieking banshee.

Citizens of Queensland hide in giant pineapples to avoid having to vote for anyone in Saturday’s election

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There’s no point to the whole exercise, of course. Labor was always going to lose and there was no changing that, short of Newman actually being indicted and banged-up, as Bligh so stupidly prophesised in parliament. The Crime and Misconduct Commission rapidly found he had no case to

answer. The egg on Labor’s face was at least a welcome relief from the sly grin of desperation it wore since the attacks on Newman began.

man, not about 20 years of modernising Queensland, managing the mining boom, rebuilding from the floods, and introducing civil unions.

And what was he accused of, after all? Doing what premiers and councillors and statesmen have always done: meeting developers, accepting donations, then selling them land? It was always going to be a hard, complicated sell to a largely apathetic, confused electorate who have a very low opinion of politicians to begin with: isn’t that what they all do? Aren’t they all bastards? At least this guy has swagger.

Labor hasn’t understood branding in a long time, however. Federally and at a state level they play the man, not the team, as it were - they savage opposition leaders but leave the conservative brand untouched. But most constituents of Queensland won’t get the opportunity to vote for or against Campbell Newman - that’s the preserve of a select few. Come election day, most Queenslanders will choose between someone marked “ALP” and someone marked “LNP” - it’s the brand that matters, not the leader. And Labor has become a national dirty-word.

All that was achieved by this grubby little business was to disgrace the dying weeks of a 22-year-old government with a proud legacy. It made Labor look like huffed-up fools, an image they did not need to reinforce. With some airtime and a brain even half the size of Paul Keating’s, they could have explained why so many public assets had to be privatised instead of trying to blink and move on. They made this a campaign about Campbell New-

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Newman may very well go down, but so what? Labor will have won the battle but lost the war. Michael Koziol is an Honi Soit editor. He is on Twitter: @michaelkoziol and is largely unwelcome in Queensland.

The Third Drawer TOP FIVE

Letters of the alphabet

Nick Findlater went back to Playschool to pick his top five ABCs

From the memoirs of Chris Brown

The temptation here was to say “N, I, C, K, F” and be done with it. But I resisted. Instead, I got me a dictionary and I did me some analysing. I took serious stock of the 26 letters of the Roman alphabet. I did literally minutes of research (no small thanks to the Concise Oxford English Dictionary). Ultimately this is my individual opinion, however, and therefore irrefutably correct.

The letter ‘W’ : The 23 rd letter of the alphabet, ‘W’ is the symbol for tungsten on the periodic chart of the elements. That’s pretty cool.

The letter ‘Q’: The 17 th letter of the alphabet, ‘Q’ is the most loyal letter, very rarely seen in public without ‘U’. So what if I’m a sucker for old-fashioned, monogamous romance? Some loves last forever. ‘Q’ deserves recognition for standing by ‘U’ through quick and quin(ine), as well as many other near-useless words. Did you know a “quartan” is a fever recurring every third day? Now you do.

The letter ‘S’: Three reasons why letter no. 19 takes out the bronze. First, ‘S’ is a social butterfly, commonly partnering up with –t, -h, -l and –n at the beginning of words. Second, ‘S’ denotes some plurals (e.g. “lawyers”) as well as the possessive case (e.g. “the daughter’s diary”). Third, snakes seem to like it, and that has to count for sssssomething.

The letter ‘Y’: Why does ‘Y’ take silver? Well, ‘Y’ has important functions in the field of mathematics, denoting a second unknown quantum in algebra (y = x n) and a second coordinate in geometry (x, y). ‘Y’ can also be used to form informal adjectives, such as “horsy” (something which reminds one of horses) and “silly” (something which reminds one of windowsills).

The letter ‘A’: The first letter of the alphabet takes first place. ‘A’ is the only letter which, properly spelled, is a word (or at least an indefinite article). ‘A’ is the sixth note in the diatonic scale of C-major. ‘A’ commonly denotes the first hypothetical person or example, and the highest class (of roads, of academic ranks, etc). Finally, typing ‘A’ where it does not belong (“I watched a boats sailing in the sea”) brings up a squiggly green line on my computer screen and a message which says “Number agreement: consider revising.” Looks like ‘A’ has some friends in high places.

Soundtrack to: Waxing your public hair Guns N’ Roses: “Welcome to the Jungle” You haven’t tended to the patch in a while, and it’s run a little rampant. Fear not, Honi’s here to prepare you for this rite of passage. Pavement: “Cut Your Hair” The first crucial step to is to trim the bush a little; it’ll streamline the process. Kesha: “Take It Off” Spread the wax evenly along your nethermeat at a leisurely pace to delude yourself into believing that this won’t hurt. Then, pull in the opposite direction of hair growth. Radiohead: “Little by Little” Don’t be an idiot - not all at once. Switch to phase-by-phase removal. Oasis: “Stop Crying Your Heart Out” Good god, man/woman.You may be the kind of person who’s “not into ripping hair follicles off genitals at increasingly high velocities” but hold it together. The Living End: “Blood on Your Hands” Not to put too fine a point on it but this is massively worrying. The Smiths: “Panic” Accio medical help. Also, some dignity while you’re at it.

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I must admit, I’m tiring of this little charadé. The whole ‘acting like a douche bag’ for publicity is getting awfully embarrassing. I’m at breaking point. Today, I wept into my cereal. Tears mixed with my milk and muesli until my breakfast was nothing more than a bowl of despair. I tried to fire my tweeter, but my publicist wouldn’t let me. Apparently, this gung-ho, misogynistic ‘asshole’ character sells. It appeals to those young, budding jailbirds and the poor young women whose disposable incomes go toward posters featuring my ripped torso. Nobody wants to buy hip-hop albums from a well-spoken, self-respecting feminist such as myself. O, diary! Woe is me! A hip hop artist and a feminist! Can I marry my two worlds? My morose situation suggests not. But I want to make a change. I don’t want to encourage young gentlemen in to the behaviours I myself have been guilty of. I do want to stress, diary, that none of my actions were my choice. When I think of dear Ri Ri, I feel physically sick. My hands may have wrung her neck, but my heart was kissing it. And then there was the Good Morning America incident. Diary, I can’t absolve myself. Such needless vandalism! So much unnecessary torso! I shudder to think of the young men perfecting their shirt-ripping techniques at home. The Grammys were a new low. My mother, who has so far supported my decision to publicly behave this way, denounced me. While she still loves me, and the monthly payments I give her, she is tiring. I feel that soon she will turn away from me, regardless of who I truly am. The thing I regret most about my actions has been the restraining order, preventing me from contacting Ri privately. Diary, do you know how hard it is to publicly reconnect with a loved one, while still maintaining a misogynistic image? I have enjoyed moderate success, but the distance between us pulls at my heart strings, and my loins, daily. I am shocked at how successful the persona has been. Is it worth it, diary? I am disgustingly rich, all thanks to ‘Team Breezy’ as my young, misguided fans are so named. Can I maintain this wealth and be myself? I cannot give up my millions, but I cannot go on cultivating this image of ‘douche-baggery’. Diary! Is this not the dilemma of the century?! I’m going to go make a Lady Grey and comment on some womyn’s forums while I mull this over.

honi soit

Taboo HITCHENS IN HEAVEN

In many ways, SEXPO 2012 shares a lot in common with the other big event of this month, KONY 2012. Both are colourful, surrounded by buzz and expensive to produce. Also, their respective founders both appear to appreciate getting naked (see the latest KONY news).

After three months in Heaven, Christopher Hitchens meets author and existentialist Franz Kafka One of the prodigious benefits of death - and, indeed, my apparent miscalculation of the existence of a celestial after-party - is the opportunity to meet deceased authors. Imagine, if you can, my thrill when picking the brain of P.G. Wodehouse; my intrigue in Nabokov’s cosmic sequel to Lolita (vice so nice he wrote it twice); my delight to have a reuniting drink (or eighteen) with Kingsley Amis. Unfortunately, George Orwell is researching income inequality in Hell, a sort of demonic Wigan Pier, and won’t be back until the thirteenth.

Christopher Hitchens: Mr. Havel, I must, at the risk of Hedonism, self-indulge. In 1988 I traveled to Czechoslovakia and actually attended one of your Charter 77 meetings, for which I was briefly arrested!

And yet there is an Orwellian atmosphere right here in Heaven - don’t think I’ve abandoned my distaste for religion. It turns out that paradise doesn’t adapt to every individual, but rather exists as a pre-packaged ShangriLa. I’m continually told to put out my cigarette, and that fanatical Albanian dwarf Mother Teresa won’t stop shaking her finger at me. I won’t put up with it; with it I will not put up.

Kafka: He says you insisted on writing the Charter’s referendum and wouldn’t stop talking about Trotsky and the Permanent Revolution.

And a word on reincarnation - I appreciate the lack of cancer, but must I spend the rest of eternity at 45? I’ve spoken at length on the subject with Franz Kafka, and he agrees a youthful metamorphosis would be preferable. The Czech writer also concurs that the Heavenly bureaucracy is a bit Kafkaesque; my repeated inquiries to interview God have been denied malum prohibitum. But until I reach that Castle (the Heavenly Father would be quite the exclusive) I’ll have to settle for the recently deceased. And yet the likes of Vaclav Havel is hardly settling. The playwright, revolutionary and first President of the liberated Czechoslovakia was the archetype of the contrarian. He emerged as the leader of the Czechoslovakian movement for independence from Stalin’s thinly veiled fascist control, was a founder of the ‘Charter 77’ civic initiative, and emerged from the Velvet Revolution to institute democratic elections and privatized capitalism. Over Pilsners at the aptly named Lion & Lamb, we discussed the following with Kafka translating:

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Vaclav Havel: Aha! Ano, slyšel jsem, že jste se zúcastnili jednání. Franz Kafka: He says he knows, and that you were described as overly boisterous, and drank all the wine. Hitchens: Boisterous? Really? I don’t recall there being any wine served…

Hitchens: Did he really say that, or are you just upset that I’m interviewing Havel instead of you? Kafka: Well you would think if you were going to interview a notable Czech… Hitchens: Jesus Franz—no, no, I wasn’t talking to you Jesus—such vanity! The Trial wasn’t that impressive, and we could have done with about five less groveling short stories about your father, thank you. Havel: Co ríkal? Kafka: Shut up Havel, we’re talking. And do you really think God is Not Great? Was that impressive Hitch? Good call on the no afterlife thing. Hitchens: I’m sorry Havel; we’ll have to reconvene again without the bug here. And so we will. Not the most successful of interviews, to start, but then we can always try again — we have eternity. CH.

Finding SEXPO was a strange experience. Not least because the exhibition centre was also hosting a Subway managerial conference that night. Eventually a stream of people holding ‘Little Hussy’ allowed us to orientate ourselves away from the Jared Fogel enthusiasts. For those out of the loop, SEXPO is the world’s largest adult show. The tagline, which appears on SEXPO’s website, is deceptive though. While it may on some technical level be considered a show, a better description of SEXPO is “huge adult market”. Hundreds of stalls sell a variety of adult products, such as a whole range of sex toys, lingerie, breast surgery, ‘legal ecstasy pills’, porn and more. Mixed in amongst the commercial stalls are a handful of stalls trying to raise awareness for different issues and groups, such as BDSM practices (complete with demonstrations!), mental health, sex-slavery and the Australian Sex Party. Whilst the market atmosphere dominates SEXPO, there are a few ‘attractions’ spliced throughout it. Every hour or so there is an educational seminar given on various sexual health topics. We witnessed resident SEXPO sexologist Dr Nikki Goldstein present on ‘Safer Sex Practices’. Initially the room was packed, but once Dr Nikki revealed that her presentation was going to be strictly about safe sex (her previous seminar had been on ‘kinky sex for everyone’) about a third of the room left. We sat through, carefully taking notes as if this was the last lecture before an end of semester exam, like the diligent students we never are. Highlights included demonstrations on ‘DIY dental dams’, which were crafted live from condoms, gladwrap and latex gloves. There were also a number of other events through the day, including various striptease shows from famous and successful porn star groups and opportunities to have photos taken with and have autographs signed by various adult industry celebrities. The lines for this, as well as for the novel Sex Train (think sexy Ghost Train) were long, even if you pay the $45 for VIP tickets, which theoretically allows you to jump the queues. Normal ticket price is $30.

@honi_soit

Unfortunately we missed the most tangentally related event of SEXPO, the ‘Harley Davidson Freestyle Team’. Billed as ‘exhilirating’ and spectacular’, it had questionable relevance beyond demographic pandering. Despite the best efforts of Dr Nikki, the outing wasn’t all that informative, and while based on a progressive premise, there is a great deal of misogyny surrounding the event. One may have assumed an event with so many scantily clad women would desensitise those inclined to cat-call. It didn’t. We witnessed two performers verbally abused by a group of three young men for no apparent reason other than that they were wearing lingerie. It’s also a very hetero-centric exhibition, despite the inclusion of some serious male eye-candy. The event is a spectacle and while it’s not really a thing you’ll want to go to more than once, its recommended viewing for everyone with at least a moderately open mind.

Profile

David Mack chats with the modelling brothers from Sydney Uni about what goes on behind the catwalk, their rise in the industry, and Zoolander The Lutetia Hotel is the nicest building I’ve been to in Paris. It’s not too far from where I’m studying, but the gulf between the student cafeterias I’ve been eating in and the Lutetia’s palatial lobby with its chandeliers and army of primped staff means I may as well be on another planet. It’s the start of Men’s Fashion Week in the French capital and I’m here to interview two male models, Jordan and Zach Stenmark. At just 19 years old, the twin brothers are making waves across the Industry and are now represented by seven agencies covering the Australian, US, and European markets. They are the new faces of Abercrombie & Fitch, have met personally with designer and “modern gentleman” Tom Ford, and have just returned from Milan where they were the featured models in the Calvin Klein runway show. But this time last year they may have been sitting in your economics lecture at Sydney Uni. When I arrive in the lobby, I’m half expecting a publicist to saunter out and greet me or that I will at least have to let the receptionist know that I’m waiting for them. But no. To my surprise, the brothers are sitting patiently in chairs by the front door waiting for me. They are, of course, instantly recognisable. Not because I’ve seen their faces splashed across billboards (yet) but because, well, there’s two of them. Really. It’s uncanny how alike they are. They’re

used to the ‘Winklevoss’ jokes by now, they tell me. They get up to shake my hand, grinning warmly, and take me into the hotel’s lobby. Zach is wearing navy blue chinos and a loose blue and white striped t-shirt, while Jordan sports a retro Beatles shirt from Ben Sherman. I laugh because I own the same shirt and silently congratulate myself on my fashion credentials. We find a place among the crowd, which is full of men in charcoal suits and women in lush coats sipping black coffees. The boys start telling me how their lives shifted from studying Agricultural Economics at USyd on an AFL scholarship to where they find themselves now. It began with a good friend pestering them to seek modelling representation in Year 12, much to the boys’ amusement. “We had a lot on our plate and didn’t think it was really for us,” Jordan says. But the friend proved persistent. Eventually their curiosity got the better of them and they decided to give it a shot. The first agency they visited, Vivien’s Model Management, signed them on the spot. The roller coaster ride began. Just two weeks later the boys were sitting in a tutorial when Zach received a phone call from their new agent. He ducked outside to answer it, before coming back a few minutes later to inform his brother they were being flown to Miami for a magazine shoot. “It

was crazy,” Jordan says. “One moment we were in uni and a few days later we were flying into Miami. It just felt like two completely different lives.” The phone calls kept coming. “’I was standing in the street a few weeks later,” Zach says, “and I got the phone call from our agent and she said, ‘Tom Ford just called. You’re flying to London tomorrow.’” Turns out Mr Ford had seen their photos and wanted to meet the boys in person. As surreal as the meeting was, Zach says it was reassuring to find that not all fashion designers have the personality you might imagine: “He’s a very nice guy. Really down to

“It was crazy,” Jordan says. “One moment we were in uni and a few days later we were flying into Miami. It just felt like two completely different lives.” earth. It’s great to see that the guys behind these brands are great people and are not just full of themselves. I know that people think that everyone in the industry thinks a lot of themselves, but I think it’s good to see that there are people like that,” he says. When most other people their age were wallowing in tertiary studies in order to avoid figuring out what to do with their lives, Zach and Jordan suddenly found themselves at a juncture, having to make some very important decisions about their future. Continue on with their studies at Sydney Uni, while seeing how far they could go with their AFL, or jump head first into this new world of modelling and see where it would take them? “We really had to sit down and say to our agents, ‘How well do you think we’re going to go? It’s a big gamble’,” Jordan says. “The uni said to us: ‘We’ll give you 18 months, and it’s not going to hurt to go and do this. It’s a once-ina-lifetime opportunity. Give it a go. See what happens.’” Meeting Ford made their decision easier, Zach says: “We went there and thought: ‘This is such an amazing opportunity. Let’s take it’.” Despite leaping into the unknown and then being lauded throughout European and American markets, their philosophy is remarkably down-to-earth. “We are trying to take everything as it comes and not take it too seriously,” Zach says. “We’re trying to take a step back from things, but we’re also thinking we’ll see how the whole 18-month period goes and we’ll make a new assessment then, but as long as we’re still enjoying it, we’re learning and we’re benefiting from it I think we’ll keep going.”

Twin Pecs

Photograph: Errikos Andreon

Having friends who still like to take the piss helps a lot, they explain. They’ve also heard every variation on

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a Zoolander joke you can imagine, but they still make ‘Blue Steel’ and ‘black lung’ jokes. “In the industry, a lot of the models make Zoolander jokes themselves,” Jordan says, “and I think once you’ve been a little bit in the industry, you see a different side to the movie. It’s a really funny movie, but you start seeing the small things that happen that are actually true. You can tell they’ve done a lot of research!” The brothers say the glamour of the industry belies a life that can be quite lonely for models: travelling from city to city in constant competition with others based on nothing more than your appearance. “It can be hard but you’ve got to realise it’s not personal. It’s just that you’re not right for their look,” Zach says. “You’re not going to get every brand. In the end, all you can do is put your best foot forward, turn up on time and meet some nice clients. It’s basically like doing a job interview everyday,” Jordan says. “By the end of our modelling we should be pretty good at them.” In the midst of it all, they say they’re glad to be on this journey together. “A lot of people say that twins have a special relationship and I think as we’ve gone to live together it’s more special than we realised in the past,” Jordan says. “A lot of models don’t have another person to travel around with and it gets really lonely. We’re really lucky to have someone else to help us through a tough period or maybe a bad day. You get off a 27 hour flight and you just feel like you don’t want to do this, but you have someone else saying, ‘No. We’ll do it. We’ll go to that extra casting.’ It helps you a lot.” It’s refreshing also to hear them speak with candour about the self-doubt that plagues models like everyone else. Zach says it’s easy to think that people on billboards and catwalks possess a super-human confidence, but in reality: “Everyone has insecurities. It’s a part of life. It’s more the fact of you knowing your strengths. Everyone brings something to the table. Whether it’s looks or personality, everyone has a strength. If you can capitalise on your strengths then you’re set.” Near the end of the interview, I spy a petite Asian woman walk past us who is the spitting image of Yoko Ono: the coloured sunglasses, the bohemian coat, the oversized workman’s hat. I laugh at the resemblance before my brain freezes and my breath vanishes. Holy crap. I think that’s actually Yoko Ono. It is. It must be. It wouldn’t be completely unheard of for her to be in town for such a big week. I interrupt Zach mid-sentence and let him know Yoko Ono is behind us. “Who’s that?” he asks innocently. It’s then I have to remind myself these guys are only 19.

honi soit

Riding the Tech Wave B

illion dollar tech companies might sound like they belong in Silicon Valley but they are emerging right here, right now, at Sydney University. The stakes are high but the rewards are massive. Sydney is experiencing a significant boom in entrepreneurial activity and innovation. Sydney University students, predominantly computer science, engineering and design students, are using new technologies in an attempt to create game-changing companies. They’re taking on big risks, often with their own money, but the pay off, if successful, can be huge.

What is a startup?

fundamentally different to Sydney University at that time. Studying I.T. at Sydney, the oldest and one of the most prestigious computer science schools in Australia, used to come with the pre-ordained idea of wearing a suit and working for an established company after graduation - a far cry from the innovation going on in Silicon Valley. Matt Barrie, computer science alumnus, lecturer, and CEO of one of the most talked about Aussie startups, Freelancer, says: “There was no startup culture when I went through [uni]. Zero. The closest thing to an entrepreneurship subject was studying an ancient case study about the life cycle of the Amstrad computer.”

Have you used Twitter? Did you check Facebook this morning? What about doing a Google search or watching a video on YouTube? All these companies began as startups and have redefined the way we interact. The power of these companies today shows the massive potential of startups.

So why is there so much hype with tech startups? If you look at the major industries of today, many have been transformed and are now dominated by companies that rely on the software platforms they have developed themselves. The largest book reseller today is Amazon. The largest music reseller is Apple. The largest communications service provider is Skype. The biggest difference with a tech startup, compared with your local coffee shop, is scalability. For less than $100, a software developer could build a simple product that could scale to millions of users within a day. Zynga, the social gaming giant that created Farmville, launched its new game Cityville in 2011 and reached 61 million active users within its first 50 days. No other industry compares with the power of software.

Tech culture before the wave Until recently, it seems, Sydney University failed to teach students about entrepreneurism and innovation. Universities like Stanford are renowned for encouraging students - especially engineering students - to start their own companies. It was ingrained in their culture, something

honi soit

James Alexander shines the spotlight on the surging number of Sydney University students founding tech startups.

Like-minded hackers did collaborate and Ryan ended up working for Matt Barrie’s first startup after he graduated from Sydney University. In the mid-1990s, Matt was one of the few actively encouraging tech entrepreneurism.

If you dont like it, change it Kim Heras, Sydney law and commerce alumnus, is the founder of PushStart, a startup accelerator that gives ‘seed funding’ (amounts usually under $10,000) to local startups and connects them with industry mentors. He began his first startup during university. An avid Counter Strike player, Kim decided to create a tool to catch online cheats. “Our solution worked in a similar way to modern fraud systems at banks,” he says. “We took some funding, went to market, and I was a professional startup entrepreneur. I haven’t really looked back since.”

A startup is a new company founded by a small group of people - often based in software, online or in ‘high-growth’ technology. Startups will often launch their prototypes with no money and little sleep (think The Social Network), and get investment from an ‘angel’ investor or venture capitalist who wants a high return.

Software is King

Innovative. Entrepreneurial. And all aiming to strike it big.

“Uni meant that when I went to apply my knowledge to startups, I couldn’t. I was a pro at understanding how Coke competes with Pepsi but had no idea how to get a small startup off the ground. Don’t get me wrong – my university education was critical for understanding the fundamentals and building my critical thinking and analytical skills.” Matt Barrie Lecturer & CEO of Freelancer.com Career Highlight: Creator of the world’s largest online outsourcing marketplace

However, there remained a small group of like-minded ‘hackers’ (software engineering students who literally ‘hack’ away at building products). Ryan Junee, another computer science alumnus and famous Australian entrepreneur in Silicon Valley, recounts: “There was a small group of hard core geeks...it was mostly informal gatherings of people passionate about hacking.” He remarks on a certain stigma,“I also remember a group of friends living together in a ‘hacker’ house nearby, which I thought was kind of strange and cool at the time. Now that I live in (Silicon) Valley I see this everywhere!” Startups, however, remained in the background. “The concept of a tech startup was not very widespread in Sydney back then...it wasn’t promoted widely as a career path,” Ryan says. “I actually worked for a startup right after I graduated, but I was one of the few. The concept of starting a company right after graduation was certainly foreign.”

For Kim, it was a lack of community which prompted him to begin running startup community events. Matt Barrie decided to enhance entrepreneurial teaching on campus and introduced a course in 2010 called Technology Venture Creation, based on a course from Stanford of the same name, which has since become highly successful. The course requires students to conceive a business idea and pitch it to real investors as the final exam. Some of these students were offered funding and went on to make their ideas a reality. “One of the teams this year just went through YCombinator, one of the premier incubators in Silicon Valley,” Matt says. “Most of the teams on pitch day last year would have cleaned up at any of the pitching contests I’ve sat on as a judge over the last few years.” He praised his recent batch of students, “The teams are more switched on, more enthusiastic, and more avidly following the tech industry.”

Entrepreneurism - booming on campus The entrepreneurism and tech culture on campus today is one of the most vibrant in Australia and has significantly improved in the last five years. Ben Sand,

@honi_soit

Ryan Junee Serial Entrepreneur Current work: Inporia, Fashion Tech Startup. Launched fashion app at NY Fashion week called Kalediscope Career Highlight: Google’s aquisition of Ryan’s previous startup in 2008 for a rumoured $15 m

currently building his educational startup, Brainworth, says: “Sydney University has a good tech culture and smart people. [Its] biggest advantage is its unparalleled student culture. Many people working on Brainworth came from Science Revue, SUITS (Sydney University IT Society) and NCSS” (National Computer Science Summer School). In today’s context, any student can interact with software engineering students through societies and events. The 24-hour Hackathon last year, where students across multiple degrees collaborated to make an app in 24 hours, was a resounding success, and programs like NCSS help foster the next generation of talent. Ben Taylor, a computer science alumnus who started his own graphic design app, Halftone, says: “We’re seeing more students involved in startups. The biggest and best drives come from grassroots organisations. So if you want more tech culture, make more tech culture.”

So you want to start your own company? The best advice is to ‘just do it’. There literally has never been a better time. The cost involved in creating a company today is lower than ever before. If you don’t have the technical skills, recruit students who do. “Make things. Every month or so try building something new, launched in as short a timeframe as possible”, says Ben, who launched Halftone and other projects very quickly. “Keep doing this, keep researching, keep iterating until something sticks. You want to get up and running as fast as possible.” As is often said in startup communities, “fail fast”, work out what went wrong, and try and try again.

James Alexander is on Twitter: @shortino29

Startups to watch

Chris Lloyd & Dave Newman

Joseph Glanville, Alex Sharp and Sheng Yeo

Louise Fisher - working on Flatlands

Minefold

OrionVM

SeeThrough Studios

Leasate

What is Minefold?

What is OrionVM?

What is SeeThrough Studios?

What is Leasate?

Chris: “Minefold is a simple platform for gamers to instantly set up servers to play on with their friends. We were playing Minecraft together on a server I had set up. After a few months I mistyped a command and lost all of our work. It was devastating. When I wiped away the tears and set aside the tubs of ice-cream I realised that there was a real problem here. If a Comp Sci. grad was finding this hard (to set up a Minecraft Server), less nerdy people must find it impossible!”

OrinoVM is a classic successful startup tale. Three friends - Alex Sharp, Joseph Glanville and Sheng Yeo - joined together to build a new product in their dorm room after realising what they wanted didn’t exist in the market. Fast forward two years and they have built one of the the world’s fastest cloud computing platforms with features rivalling Amazon, the largest cloud computing provider.

Paul: “We make games with deep stories in intensely exciting worlds, from the polygon-noir world of Flatland to a high-energy physics inspired landscape of quarks and electrons.”

Gareth: “Leasate is a service that gives people tools to manage their rental properties, so that they can do it themselves without hiring a property manager. This covers everything from tenants applying for properties, managing rent payments, and reporting of maintenance issues.”

Most recent success?

“We’re in the 10-50 people category. It’s very different from when things started... there is a certain feeling of badassery that comes seeing something awesome that was made whilst you were sleeping.”

Founders: Chris Lloyd (Sydney University) & Dave Newman What: One-click game hosting for Minecraft, which has over 24 million players Current Location: Silicon Valley Founded: 2011 Info: Minefold.com

“Getting into YCombinator. YCombinator is for startups what Harvard is for MBAs, but arguably harder to get into. They only take a small amount of companies each batch, and their alumni include companies like Reddit, Dropbox and AirBnB. We were surprised when they accepted a couple of schmucks from Sydney!”

Who are your mentors? “Being a part of YCombinator means we’re mentored by people like Paul Bucheicht (the inventor of Gmail) and Alexis Ohanian (the founder of Reddit). In Australia we also have a great group of friends in the local tech community whose advice has been invaluable.”

The public reaction to Minefold so far? “People love it! We’re getting a lot of comments from customers saying how much easier it makes life for them. We had one kid who was going to start a lemonade stand with his brother just so he could pay for it. I think I ended up giving him a couple of months free access!”

Any tips for students thinking about doing their own startups? “Don’t think, just do. There’s never been a better time.”

“YCombinator is for startups what Harvard is for MBAs, but arguably harder to get into... their alumni include companies like Reddit, Dropbox & AirBnB.”

Founders: Alex Sharp, Joseph Glanville (both Sydney University) and Sheng Yeo (UTS) What: The worlds fastest cloud computing platform Current Location: Sydney Founded: 2010 Info: orionvm.com

Why is cloud computing essential? Alex: “Assume you need a few gigs of RAM for a few hours to run, say, a simulation. Before companies like us, you would have to buy hardware, wait for it to arrive, install it, power it... Now you just ask us for the capacity you need, and in a couple of minutes you have it. When you no longer need it, you ask us to turn it off and it’s gone. Cheap, fast and no fuss.”

How many people do you have working for you now?

What motivated you to get into game development?

How did you start? “The Technology Venture Creation course at (Sydney) uni was where we developed the idea and first wrote a business plan for it. The course finished as we graduated and so it was a pretty natural transition. Matt Barrie has been a great help in providing advice for our business.”

Game development in Sydney?

What convinced you that this was the ‘path’ after University?

“There’s a massive, thriving, incredibly supportive community of people who are making games...I actually made some games myself, through 48-hour development competitions such as Ludum Dare and the Global Game Jam. This really helped me gain the belief that this was something I could do.”

Public reaction? “In general, there’s been an incredibly positive response to this, our first ‘test’ game, Flatland: Fallen Angle. Among other things, we were featured on Rock Paper Shotgun who said, “it’s atmospheric, smart and does a great job of the unusual melange of simple line-art, breathless Pac Man-esque outrunning of foes and a doomy, nuanced narrative”.

“The timing seemed right. When you’re in university you don’t necessarily have a lot of time to devote to things like this. But if you go out from university and get a job, you get used to having the kind of money that a job provides very quickly, and you won’t want to go back to scraping by like a student in the future. Especially once you have commitments like a family to feed. So whilst I wasn’t sure it was the right path, if I was ever going to try this path, it was the right time to do it.”

How did you fund your startup initially and what has the public reaction to Leasate been so far? “We got seed financing from an angel investor and we’ve been flying under the radar trying not to get too much attention so far. It’ll be interesting to see what the response from real estate agents will be.”

What interests you in the disruption of the real estate industry the most?

Hardest and most rewarding attribute in startup life?

What interests you most in the software gaming industry?

“The hardest thing is that everything is your own. There is no easy money. There is no riding along. If you don’t actually earn something, you won’t get it. On the flip side, the most rewarding attribute is that everything is your own. When things start to come good, and you see people paid, products built and deals done. You could say that feels pretty damn good.”

“The potential of games as a storytelling medium; as a way for players to tell their own stories, for developers to tell players stories, and for all sorts of wierd and wonderful combinations of these two possibilities.”

“Our main advisors are Alan Perkins, CIO of Altium, Gordon Bell, Head Researcher at Microsoft and Steve Baxter, ex-CTO of PIPE Networks. We’ve also had a lot of help from Sydney Startup community mentors”.

Founders: Gareth Robinson and Sam Harding (Sydney University graduates) What: Online rental property management Most Recent success: Getting the first users on the site and getting their feedback Founded: 2011 Info: leasate.com

“Games and their development have always been a part of my make-up, and in many ways I’ve always known that I’d end up in this industry. I suppose I started my own studio out of an intense dissatisfaction with the status quo of larger game studios, both in terms of the types of games being created and the conditions under which developers worked.”

“We’re in the 10-50 people category. It’s very different from back when things started. Back then, only one person would do things, and for anything to happen, you were the one doing it...(now) there is a certain feeling of badassery that comes from seeing something awesome that was made whilst you were sleeping.”

Who do you have mentoring you?

The Interactive map of your world is a Minefold feature

Founders: Paul Sztajer, Anurag Dey, and Saul Alexander What: Game development studio Most Recent success: Releasing their first game Founded: 2011 Info: seethroughstudios.com

Gareth Robinson, CEO Leasate

“How much money is currently wasted in it. The majority of people employ a real estate agent to manage their property, giving away 5-10 per cent dividend on a massive investment for somebody to essentially pick up the phone every now and then. The real estate management ‘fee’ market is $2 billion in Australia alone, but property owners are not getting back $2 billion in value.”

Find out more

Courses on campus: Technology Venture Creation ELEC5701 (Limited Entry), Global Entrepreneurship & Enterprise IBUS3103, Understanding IT Innovations INFO5992 Startup ‘seed’ financing programs: PushStart.com, StartMate Sydney incubator: Pollenizer Startup meetups: Silicon Beach, every Friday from 7pm. OpenCoffee, every Thursday from 6pm, City Expresso This is just a selection of the Sydney startup community events & programs!

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Culture Vulture REVIEWS: FILM

PREVIEWS: MUSICAL THEATRE

The Rum Diary

Absolutely nothing in moderation, except of course the true spirit of Hunter S. Thompson, writes Richard Withers

MUSE presents: Kiss Me, Kate

Hannah Bruce would only kiss Tom, Dick or Harry The MUSE kids don’t do things by halves and their major production this year, Kiss Me, Kate is shaping up to be no exception. The 100-strong cast, orchestra and production team are tackling Cole Porter’s 1948 Tony Award-winning musical about love, jealousy, and good old toushy-whacking.

In 1960, Hunter S. Thompson relocated to San Juan in Puerto Rico; a young American journalist disillusioned with life under the Eisenhower administration who felt the compulsion to embark on voluntary exile to the Caribbean. Here, Thompson documented his tangles with an alcohol-fuelled journalistic culture and the voracious lures of jealous lust and treachery amongst his colleagues via the fictional representation of an alter ego, Paul Kemp.

tation of his work. His turn as Thompson’s author surrogate, Raoul Duke, in the cult film Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, came after Depp had prepared for the role by living in Thompson’s basement. Depp has stated that he views the role of Kemp as the genesis of Duke, with The Rum Diary depicting a time in which “he was learning to speak”.

The novel that eventuated was continually rejected by publishers and remarkably remained unpublished until 1998. Since its release, however, The Rum Diary has acquired a status as one of Thompson’s most distinguished works, and rumours of a filmic adaptation have been rife with speculation over the past decade as the rights to the novel have changed hands multiple times.

The film is directed by a relative newcomer to the medium, Bruce Robinson, whose rendition of the novel is noticeably altered for the screen with the culling of the charismatic, if at times loathsome, character Yeoman in place of substantiating the role of Sanderson (Aaron Eckhart). The move is bound to upset fans of the novel, but the tension between Kemp and his love interest in Chenault (Amber Heard), originally Yeoman’s partner, still resonates as one of the more compelling and excitable aspects of the film.

The film stars Johnny Depp as Kemp, an unsurprising casting choice considering the intimate friendship Depp shared with Thompson before his suicide in 2005. In fact, it’s not the first time Depp has played the lead role in a filmic adap-

Depp adequately leads a strong cast of solid, if not noteworthy, performances in this rum-soaked drama that is occasionally injected with a shot of adrenalinepumping action and clever humour. Despite its charming moments, a patchy

REVIEWS: THEATRE

Irish lyricism at its finest William Haines loves collaborative art It is a mistake to separate a work’s merit as art and its classification as art. The claim that a piece of music is music, but a bad piece of music, holds within it tensions which have been confusing artists, critics and philosophers for time immemorial. The degree to which a piece of music is music is also the degree to which it is good music. Siren’s production of The New Electric Ballroom then, to my eyes, could only be considered an excellent piece of theatre, for it plays on the strengths of its form superbly, at times even sublimely. Enda Walsh is an Irish playwright, who shot to fame in 1996 thanks to his award winning Disco Pigs. Walsh’s newest play, The New Electric Ballroom, opened for the first time on Australian soil on March 9 at the Griffin Theatre. Like too many Irish writers before him, Walsh employs a form of lyricism capable of vacillating between rib-breaking humour and hair raising insight. The text never allows the audience to fall into a

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single mode of viewing, but demands they keep all senses and all moods heightened throughout the play. The laughter is empty without the tears, but the tears are so sad precisely because there is a determination to not forget to laugh. The play follows the jaded Breda (Odile Le Clezio) and the broken Clara (Genevieve Mooy), sisters in their 60’s who have retreated from the world after adolescent heartbreak. They now continuously retell the story of the night of their destruction in order to fill the void they have created around themselves. “People are talkers, you can’t deny that. You could, but you’d be affirming what you’re arguing against, and what would be the point of that? No point.” Their younger sister Ada (Jane Phegan) has been pulled into the ritual as a facilitator and policeman, ensuring there is never “a terrible lull in the conversation”. She herself has never been heartbroken, and the local fishmonger (Justin Smith) prom-

script too often falls in to substituting witty asides for slapstick humour, resorting to unimaginative sexual innuendos and cheap thrills to squeeze out a shameless laugh or two. Ultimately, it’s difficult to gauge whether Kemp is an impassioned journalist or not. His moments of moral righteousness and journalistic integrity seem lost in the hazy notion of Puerto Rico as a place where the profession itself is infused, if not over-run, with a madness pertaining to drug and alcohol addiction. Kemp’s tenure at the paper comes at a time when his very profession is often depicted as simply a means to an end for local business to run smoothly, as foreigners bank on a group of misfits at his paper to cater for their wants amidst the tenuous political climate in Puerto Rico.

The story follows the stars of a Broadway-bound musical version of Shakespeare’s The Taming of the Shrew. The on-and-off-stage conflict between Fred Graham (Curtis Dickson), the director and lead actor, and his ex-wife, Lilli Vanessi (Sophie Edmonds), explodes mid-performance when Lilli discovers that flowers sent to her by Fred were intended for Lois Lane (Steph Gray). The whole production is threatened as Lilli attempts to flee the theatre, but she is forced to perform under duress by two gangsters who have come to claim the gambling debts of Lois’ doting husband, Bill (Isaac Carroll(). Although I saw a preview of the show sans costumes, set, and orchestra, the raw talent of the performers was incredibly impressive. Edmonds masters her character, swinging seamlessly between the gushing actress Lilli Vanessi and her onstage portrayal of the stubborn Shakespearean shrew, Katharine.

Jack Wasiliev and Toby Rosengarten steal the show as the gangsters. Their endearing quips and general buffoonery in While the rarely perturbed Kemp belat‘Brush Up Your Shakespeare’ also carries edly makes a poetic pledge to direct his an important message: “Just recite an time toward undermining the ‘bastards’ occasional sonnet/And your lap’ll have of the world, it’s little more than a tame honey on it”. parting-shot, an allusion to, but not an Lauren Eisinger has sprinkled her magencapsulation of, Thompson’s provocaical choreographer’s fairy dust over yet tive ideas of journalism at the time. another university production. The epic dance sequence ‘Too Darn Hot’, sung by Paul (Aiden Kane), is a saucy spectacle. Director Cecilia Nelson has put together a lively, humourous, and thoroughly enjoyable romp! Any production that can rhyme “Padua” with “what a cad you are” is guaranteed to be great fun. ises to break open the suffocating family bonds imprisoning Ada.

Kiss Me, Kate runs 21-24 March at the Everest Theatre, Seymour Centre

Tom Bannerman has created an affective and functional set which allows you to forget the outside world, but also ensures that it is as painful visually to the audience as it is to the characters when the door opens. Director Kate Gaul has woven visual jokes and symbols throughout the play, and brings Patsy the fishmonger’s attempts to break open the sisters world to a wonderful climax visually, only to suck him back out the door with the tide. The cast share fantastic chemistry and have created a very believable three-way dynamic. All in all this is a special play done absolute justice in a wonderfully rich production. I would recommend it to anybody, regardless of personal taste, simply because it demonstrates what a fantastically collaborative art form theatre can (and should) be. The New Electric Ballroom plays until the end of March at the Griffin Theatre.

@honi_soit

Odile Le Clezio as Breda and Genevieve Mooy as Clara, in ‘The New Electric Ballroom’

Culture Vulture REVIEWS: BOOKS

Religion for Atheists - Alain de Botton

REVIEWS: TV

They don’t quite write heresey like they used to, observes Neha Kasbekar It’s surprisingly easy to market the most inoffensive ideas as heresies. Just take the middle-of-the-road stance in any argument marked by absolutism, and unearned media coverage should follow. It’s a strategy that works to calculated perfection for ‘Religion for Atheists’, which supposedly sticks it to the hard-line believers and unbelievers that dominate public discourse by saying that while religion may be untrue in substance, it nonetheless has some useful ideas and methods. I suppose it’d be inconvenient to point out that, for all the fuss, pop philosopher Alain de Botton’s thesis has been around since the ancient Greeks. ‘Religion for Atheists’ is structured as part sociology, part self-help manual. In it, de Botton dedicates chapters to areas like ‘Art’ and ‘Education’ as well as moral concepts like ‘Kindness’ where religious approaches have something to offer the atheist, and comes up with secular versions of the same traditions. To be fair, De Botton is often persuasive on what religion gets right. He argues for instance that in sharp contrast to religion, secular higher learning has largely given up guiding people on how to lead a meaningful life. In focusing on vocational skills, higher education leaves many non-religious people with little assistance on the bigger questions. He also observes that the structured aspect of

organized religion has its benefits. It can be hard to keep in mind the feeling of having read or seen something particularly inspiring or life-changing but religious rituals are custom-built mnemonic devices that enable people to revisit such insights again and again. His secular solutions, though, are painfully simplistic. While higher education could stand to be more engaging at times, it doesn’t do to model lectures on sermons since sermons value consensus on the part of religious members while higher learning values independent, critical thinking. Chanting “Amen, Montaigne!” or “Praise be to Jane Austen!” in the baldly affirmative vein of a Pentecostal congregation, like de Botton recommends, was never going to suit. Calling for art galleries to be didactic and actively explain the meanings of works isn’t revelatory either. While it’s true that artworks can often be difficult to decipher for the audience, de Botton’s solution is especially self-defeating since it’s often the “I’ll tell you what to think” side of religion that alienates atheists in the first place. And for a book premised on cherry-picking the best bits of religion, it’s downright odd that the secondlargest faith, Islam, gets barely a look-in. ‘Religion for Atheists’ feels like the product of an unusually-poetic lab tech: someone who can run the tests and diagnose secular problems but provide little by way of remedy. Still, de Botton moves the conversation forward for those of us tired of the unrelenting debate of ‘does God really exist?’

Politics and Pecan Pie

Lane Sainty doesn’t cry over spilled leaderships In the increasingly bizarre world of Australian politics, a cooking show featuring various federal MPs is probably the last thing we need. However, that didn’t stop ABC journalist Annabel Crabb creating Kitchen Cabinet, currently airing on ABC 2. In each episode, Crabb visits the house of a different politician who cooks a meal for them to share. Crabb brings dessert, and they chat about food, family and even— god forbid— politics. The unique format— half cooking show, half casual talkshow— is occasionally awkward but mostly it works. Shadow Foreign Minister Julie Bishop and dynamic Liberal duo Christopher Pyne and Amanda Vanstone all engage well with the show, whereas Finance Minister Penny Wong is more camera-shy. The real beauty of Kitchen Cabinet lies in the fact that most Australians have grown to hate politicians. If the lengthy Howard years weren’t enough, the leadership antics of the current Labor government have done everything to ensure Australians distrust those running the country. But Crabb still nurtures a flame for those who practice the ancient profession— and it shows. Take Pyne, the infamous ‘mincing poodle’ of the Opposition benches. He was once described by Marieke Hardy

as ‘the most loathed man in Australia’. However, in the first episode of the season, he reveals a sense of humour and even provides some thoughtful commentary on the nature of politics. His appearance alongside former minister Amanda Vanstone further serves to humanise Pyne as their somewhat bizarre mother/son-like relationship plays out in the kitchen. Kitchen Cabinet does much to refute the notion of Pyne as unlikeable, showing a side of him that is deeper than the petty back-and-forth of daily political life. Much is also revealed about Wong, who appears in episode three and is ordinarily rarely diverted from talking policy. Crabb’s casual manner and relentless questioning force Wong to open up on thorny subjects like her late brother, who took his own life in 2001. Wong displays a gentle and humble manner when discussing her female partner Sophie and the public reaction to their decision to have a child, a topic she normally refuses to breach. Kitchen Cabinet demonstrates that our politicians are indeed just humans: nothing more, nothing less. Ultimately, Crabb’s show offers a view of politicians that is simply more palatable (pardon the pun) than the average Question Time— something we can all be grateful for.

POP CULTURE

All Tweet and No Peck

Ironically, it takes Bryant Apolonio takes more than 140 characters to defend Twitter Two weeks ago, during a talk at Tulane University, New Orleans, Jonathan Franzen— author of the blockbuster, Time-mag-gracing, 2010 novel Freedom—railed against social media and its cult of youth. He drew a line in the sand between himself and the atavism of microblogs, loudly proclaiming that Twitter stood “for everything [he] oppose[d]”, that it was an insubstantial, an “irresponsible medium”, just the god damn worst thing. And his reasoning? Twitter’s 140 character limitation was akin to writing a novel “without the letter ‘P’”. To confine any worthwhile thought to so few characters was not only impossible, he said, it was wasteful. Finally, with legs crossed, chin resting languid on a closed fist (in all likelihood), he announced that he only cared about readers who dismissed this electronic fluff at face: this Facebook, this Internet, that Kindle, these doohickeys, that stem-cell research. He only cared about “serious readers” (“these,” he said with Moses-esque extravagance, “are my people”). The talk wasn’t long, and it wasn’t recorded. We can only imagine him dictating

this whole manifesto with a thin smile, beneath an equally thin moustache. In summary: he comes off as pompous, obsessive, and evangelical, but I won’t spend the whole article shooting him disses. Something more interesting than Franzen’s ego-strokin’ and tech-hatin’, I think, is Twitter’s response to it. With a sort of Alanis Morrissetteian irony, the author’s pretension went as viral as ‘internet sensation’ Joseph Kony. “#JonathanFranzenhates Emoticons, because it takes 600 pages to accurately convey emotion,” Twitterers shouted from rooftops, and “#JonathanFranzenhates the moon. Its light is unspeakably dishonest and no more than a reflection”. I don’t have anything against the man or his work, and I don’t mean to come off so snide (hah!), but all of this ridicule, I feel, is warranted. It has nothing to do with Mr. F. hating on the Twitter machine—that’s entirely his prerogative (certainly he isn’t alone). It’s the fact that arguably the most famous living writer in America is making trite and vacuous criticisms of a website that he does not fully

understand. Clearly, he does it all with good intent, but what’s new? He wants to make sure that we, the next literary generation, will protect and maintain what he deigns ‘good writing’. That we take his torch and whisk it through the 21st century. He’s an aloof, but overprotective, father. A stereotype! And one wonders if he’s even picking the right battle. A tweet is not a novel. A Facebook status is not a poem (though some, regrettably, christ help us, are). But say they were, what difference would that make? Popular writing modes change all the time. Language is constantly in flux; we’re hurtling into the future, hold on to your hats. That—and forgive me for psychoanalysing—is what I think bugs Franzen the most. Because if he believes that bad writing (or, at least, the lack of ‘good’ contemporary writing) stems from social media’s stripped-bare minimalism, why does he not take issue with Carver, Ezra Pound, or the haiku? If it’s Twitter’s spontaneity or fragmentation why not engage in fisticuffs with Faulkner (who allegedly wrote As I Lay Dying in six weeks, without reading over it once) or

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Kafka’s parables? If it’s in the ceaseless, serial quality of every Facebook post, where’s his beef with Charles Dickens? And if the e-book is the antichrist, bookdestroyer (NB: I am only exaggerating a little, here, Franzen believes e-books will spark anarchy—look it up if you don’t believe me), why hasn’t he written a stiff essay about Gutenberg, who put all those scribbling monks out of work with his ‘printing press’? It’s because none of those things are new, or different, or strange. Literary change and evolution is inevitable and unstoppable. Most educated people in the 19th century dropped their monocles when novels began to replace poetry as what the masses read on their daily steam train commutes. When Twitter is forgotten (alternatively, deified and studied) in fifty years, something else will come to take its place, and there will be something else after that, and something after that. And there will always be a means, so long as humans have thoughts and opinions and a wish to communicate them to a world that would actually listen. Bad luck, Mr. Franzen.

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Tech & Online TECH

SPHERE

SXSW Interactive finishes

Internet Explorer 10

PayPal Here

Minefold & YCombinator

South By South West Interactive has ended for another year. The popular Texan festival was big on parties but light on breakthrough products this year. Geolocation apps, Highlight and Glancee, were hotly talked about but not heavily used like Foursquare was in 2009. BrandYourSelf.com won the top startup award as an easy way to improve on your own search results.

Internet Explorer 10 has been launched. It’s more touch friendly and ‘Chrome like’. IE10 does away with much of the tool bar space to focus more on web content. It’s also securely sandboxed when you enable extra protection. IE10 has been timed with the Windows 8 release and fits well with the new W8 Metro User Interface design.

PayPal launched their own mobile payment device, in direct competition with the popular mobile payment app Square. With users increasing, it will be interesting to see which company wins out.

Minefold, an ex-Sydney startup offering one-click online game hosting launched last week and announced they got in to YCombinator, the premier startup incubator in America. Founded by recent Sydney University graduate Chris Lloyd and his friend Dave Newman, Minefold aims to make online game hosting simpler.

research firm FADE LLC, estimated that DLC revenue is about $7 to $11 for each copy of a major game. He also estimated that the 20+ million sales of map packs for Activision’s 2011 shooter Call of Duty: Black Ops generated $250 million in revenue - more than what many titles make in sales of the game itself.

More recently, major publisher Electronic Arts and developer BioWare have come under much criticism for their decision to release a paid DLC pack on the release day of the game it was made for. Priced at 800 BioWare points ($13), the 600+MB “From Ashes” DLC for Mass Effect 3 added an additional mission and character (of great significance canonwise, but minor in terms of the game’s plot) to your in-game squad. Further furore erupted when it was discovered that a portion of the character’s content was on the disc, leading some to believe that they were paying for content that was already included with the game.

TECH FEATURE

Shooting holes in your wallet

Joseph Wang investigates the growing trend in gaming of purchasable post-release content With game production budgets beginning to approach that of Hollywood blockbusters (Grand Theft Auto IV’s production budget was an estimated $100 million), publishers and developers are looking for new revenue streams to bankroll their projects and ensure the longevity of their titles. One idea that many publishers have adopted is paid downloadable content (DLC) - generally small map packs, quests, characters or items that players may purchase to “enhance” their gaming experience. The origins of charging for DLC can be traced back to the Xbox game MechAssault in 2003, which offered 2 new multiplayer game modes and 3 new maps for US$4.99. Microsoft’s online service (Xbox Live) had provided a way for developers to release new content for console games (previously impossible, due to the read-only nature of disc-based

The controversial Horse armor DLC from Elder Scrolls IV

games), and was now the first to allow for these microtransactions of virtual content with real money. Since then, this business model has propagated to the majority of game releases on the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3, generating massive amounts of revenue from consumers. In a recent talk at the 2012 Game Developers Conference, Benjamin Schlichter from market

It comes as no surprise then that paid DLC, like most things to do with money, has generated a lot of controversy within the gaming community, due to the cashgrab nature that many of these pieces of content seem to have. DLC that has been purchased generally cannot be returned or traded. Features that used to be available as cheat codes (e.g. the ability to unlock all the characters), now require payment in some games. Other content is seemingly trivial - one notably contentious and widely mocked item was the 2006 “Horse Armor” DLC for Bethseda’s 2006 role-playing game, The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. As a purely cosmetic item for a seldom-used non-character, it added no gameplay value, yet cost 200 Microsoft Points (US$2.50).

Despite the criticism, the amount of money that is able to be made for providing this content is far too large for publishers and developers to simply ignore. And with the consumer-driven desire for fresh content, the wide availability of high-speed internet connections and easy methods of online payment, it is a trend that can only continue to grow. Joseph Wang is Twitter: @jowoseph

REVIEW: VIDEO GAMES

Mass Effect 3

Sertan Saral decides that Mass Effect 3 is better than having real friends of themselves, however, that make this trilogy what it is. The spine of it, like any story, is in the characters and the relationships you develop with them over the three games. To watch Krogan warrior Urdnot Wrex go from lost mercenary with nascent revolutionary ideas to the leader of his species – that’s if you don’t opt to kill him in the first game – is enormously satisfying to behold. These relationships – and there are so freaking many of them – are at the core of this experience: they’re formed both by the characters you interact with and the attitudes you’ve imbued your Commander Shepard with.

Fewer characters in Mass Effect 3: Kaiden Alenko, Commander Shepard, Liara T’Soni

PC, PS3, X360 I finished Mass Effect 3 (ME3) in thirty-plus hours over three days. That’s just over ten hours a day. I’m not what I used to be, able to play marathon runs of games where day and night – the real world – recede into my peripheral vision and it’s just me and the game. But those three days playing ME3 was the first in a long while that the old me, self-destructive with his time, came out in full force. Not even Skyrim inspired such sad obsession.

The crucial part of why has to do with the fact that ME3 is the culmination of a galaxy-spanning story that began in 2007. Unlike other sci-fi or fantasy epics in videogames, however, ME3 is the culmination of your Commander Shepard’s story. Most of the major and even minor choices you made in the first and second games are paid off in style here. There are so many of these choices that it’s a little hard to believe that any two gamers’ play through of this third and final act will be exactly the same. It’s not so much your choices in and

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someone who hasn’t played the first two but is in need of an epic fix, you can play through this one without worrying about backstory or making choices or building relationships – the game actually gives you this option, but really, you’d be missing out on a lot of what makes these games truly special. I haven’t talked about online play or Galaxy at War – these are fun diversions, but aren’t essential features even if they factor into the outer edges of the story. The star of the show is, as ever, your Commander Shepard. Sertan Saral is on Twitter:

Your Shepard’s attitude can be multi@OddlySurreal lateral or unilateral; she can be a unifier or a xenophobe; she can be afraid of synthetics (machines) and AI or see them as an entirely new species with their own legitimate goals of actualisation. You can have any combination of these attitudes and even develop arcs for yourself where your attitudes change based on your choices and encounters throughout all three games. Or if you’re Immersive story and game elements: The Atlas machine

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Action-Reaction SCIENCE FEATURE

A compass to the brain

Adam Chalmers takes a trip down memory lane Craddock, Jack Tuszynski, and Stuart Hameroff, three researchers from University of Alberta, Alberta, and Arizona respectively, have discovered a mechanism by which the brain encodes memories in individual neurons.

The brain is as powerful as it is mysterious. While in the last few centuries we’ve decoded many of its secrets and charted its inner workings, one mystery still eludes us. How does the brain store memories? How do we remember and forget? New research from America might just answer this question. Travis

The brain is made up of trillions of neurons – basic building blocks of brain tissue that let you think, feel, and imagine. Individually, each neuron is simple, but they can be linked together by branch-like bits called synapses to display complex behaviour. Like a complicated computer made out of millions of simple transistors, brains get their complexity through networking simple bits together. This, combined with strong evidence, suggested that memories are formed by synaptic connections. When different neurons trigger at the same time – in response to, say, your tongue tasting food – the synapses connecting them

strengthen, and memories are stored – supposedly. But while synapse membranes change constantly in response to new stimuli, memory is relatively stable. As the paper abstract said, “Paradoxically components of synaptic membranes are relatively short-lived and frequently re-cycled while memories can last a lifetime.” This led Craddock, Tuszynski and Hameroff to look for memory-storage in a more stable aspect of the brain. While neural connections change constantly, the neurons themselves remain relatively stable. “This suggests synaptic information is encoded at a deeper, finer-grained scale of molecular information within neurons,” reads the paper. The researchers identified little cylinders on the surface of neurons, called microtubules. Microtubules contain a hexagonal lattice of kinase proteins, which can be found either holding calcium ions, or holding nothing at all. Like a memory cell in a computer or USB, they have

only two states – on (holding an ion) or off (not holding an ion). The resemblance to modern computer storage was a hint to the scientists, who found the behaviour of these microtubules matched the pre-existing models of memory formation. In short – they’d found where the brain stores memory. And it uses a similar system to computers. This is a huge step forward for neuroscience and medicine. As senior author Hameroff said to Newswise: “Many neuroscience papers conclude by claiming their findings may help understand how the brain works, and treat Alzheimer’s, brain injury and various neurological and psychiatric disorders. This study may actually do that. We may have a glimpse of the brain’s biomolecular code for memory.” Adam Chalmers is on Twitter: @adam_chal

SPORT

Iron Man vs. Ironing Man

Lane Sainty explores an extreme sport that should probably feature at the London Olympics

There are extreme sports. And then, there is Extreme Ironing. Far from being hailed as the next big thing, confusion lies over whether this bizarre meeting of sporting talent and domestic bliss is indeed a sport at all.

The general concept is simple enough; contestants iron clothes in extreme places such as mountain tops, underwater and whilst bungee jumping. They are judged on both their creative ironing skills and also the quality of their ironing, with a ‘crease check’ being conducted on the clothes after each round. A small yet committed group of people compete in the Extreme Ironing World Championships, which were first held in Germany in 2002. There are a number of competing theories about how Extreme Ironing came about. One popular belief is that it was borne out of the film clip to a 1995 song called Negasonic Teenage Warhead by

the band Monster Magnet. In the clip, a band member is seen ironing on an asteroid. It’s worth YouTubing— once. Other theories state that it was first attempted in the UK in 1997 (although this is much less interesting).

and that can only be a good thing. Lane Sainty is on Twitter: @lanesainty

In terms of legacy, it would be a blatant lie to say that Extreme Ironing has left a long lasting and important mark on society as we know it. Few people have heard of the phenomenon, and those who have tend to regard it as a ridiculous and unproductive pastime. They may be right. However, it must be noted that Extreme Ironing is largely credited with the birth of Extreme Cello playing—

Formula for change

Kira Spucys-Tahar discusses the increased presence of women in Motorsport Motorsport in general is still very much dominated by men. Traditionally women are seen as less mechanically aware, worse drivers, and in some nations, religion and culture are also factors.

Last weekend marked the start of the 2012 Formula One Grand Prix motor racing season, with the first race meet held in Melbourne. No longer simply relegated to the often demeaning role of ‘grid girls’, many women now populate the stands.

In years gone by, t-shirts emblazoned with ‘Pole Position’ written in diamantes and strategically placed across the chest, featured as part of the F1 marketing and merchandising efforts. The sport of Formula One has always been controlled by men at both an organisational and track level. The only women seen were skimpily clad or part of the WAG contingent. Since the establishment of the World Championship for Drivers in 1950, only five female racing drivers have entered a Grand Prix, and only two were successful enough to qualify and start a race.

Formula One, also known as F1, is the highest class of single-seater auto racing sanctioned by the Federation Internationale de l’Automobile, the peak

But recently, women have found themselves an increasingly key market demographic in maintaining and improving the popularity of the sport. Online

While on the racetrack men still rule, females are increasingly growing interested in this traditional domain of the testosterone-fuelled ‘rev-head’.

Venezuela’s Formula One and IndyCar driver, Milka Duno, who placed the highest ever finish by a female driver in the ‘24 Hours of Daytona’ endurance race

international motor racing body. The ‘formula’ refers to the set of rules with which all racers’ cars must comply.

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forum sites are populated by ladies keen to discuss motorsports. One group, ‘F1 Women’ has the tagline, “Who says Formula one is just for men?” In the managerial sphere, Monisha Kaltenborn became the first female CEO of a Formula One team for Red Bull Sauber in 2010. Last year media speculation had Australian Allsports Management CEO Judith Griggs as a likely successor to current Formula One boss, billionaire Bernie Ecclestone. Women may be seen by some as just the pretty faces wandering the ‘paddock’, but over the next few years their participation in sports such as motor racing only looks set to dramatically increase. Kira Spucys-Tahar is on Twitter: @kismet91

honi soit

The Sandstone Report College Cultcha with Damo ‘Donger’ Thomson

his is fucking bullshit hey! I know all you public school kids are used to livin’ in crumbling shitboxes (regular houses - Eds.) in this ghetto (the Inner West - Eds.) but I’m so over it hey! It’s even more bullshit because I didn’t even do anything wrong to get kicked out of college! Just ‘cause me and the boys CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED* shouldn’t mean that me and Ripper have to live with two fuckin’ random hippies (regular university students - Eds.) in a rundown shamehole of a house. I mean, why the fuck

would I even come to college if I knew forcing people to drink wasn’t a timehonoured tradition of which we could all be proud?! My dad was tellin’ me that when he was in college they used to get so drunk that their hangover cure was drinkin’ their own piss the next morning (hair of the dog style)! Now that’s loose! None of this politically correct carry-on we’ve got these days: oh, respect women, don’t racially abuse kebab store owners, make sure you don’t piss your own bed! The demands are endless! I didn’t spend thirteen fuckin’ years at an all-boys private school to be told that now I have to behave like a functioning adult! As you lot probably know they don’t even

S trictly S ara

have cleaners in normal houses! I’ve had to clean me own vomit out of my carpet twice now and we only moved in yesterday! But hopefully this’ll all blow over, I talked to Dad and he reckons he can pull some strings amongst the old boys and make sure I get let back in. I mean, as he said, if they hadn’t decided to make the place co-ed this wouldn’t have even happened! So for now, old Dong-dong’s just gonna have to tough it out like the rest of youse povvo chumps: did you know that my walk to uni takes over ten minutes now? What the fuck! Still, Ripper’s been suspended before for wakin’ up naked in a daycare centre, and he says that they just kick you out long

enough for the media beat-up to end and then it’s back to normal. So until then I guess Donger will just have to be in exile, won’t he? Yep. Cheers cunts! *censored due to ongoing police investigation

Newtown sucks.

Ever since uni started my friends have been constantly asking how I’ve picked it all up so fast. I tell them that it doesn’t take an ATAR of over 99.7 to understand the ins and outs of Sydney Uni (but it certainly helps). I’ve decided to devote this week’s column to helping those less fortunate. The following are a list of easily purchasable necessity which will sky-rocket any first years university performance.

1)Macbook Air

2) Satisfactory Stationary

Looking around Uni it’s clear that I care far more about my spine than most students. Heavy laptops infest my classes. Whether they be a Macbook Pro or worse a PC (umm, do you want to get a virus?). They are simply unacceptable. Slouching from back pain is not a good look, live on the lighter side of life. At least now your laptop might actually fit in your Longchamp!

Kikki K. Moving on.

NB: Ipad + keyboard is not a good combo. Honey, you’re trying too hard.

3) Longchamp Bag Sleek and chic.

4) Hunter Wellies

5) Australian Guide to Legal Citation

Gumboots have been trending for quite some time. Like many of you, I resisted at first. What’s acceptable at a festival does not always translate to everyday life. Did they evoke fashionista or farmer? Babe or Bunnings? Minx or mud? Thankfully, Hunter Wellies solve this problem. Their clear central branding lets everyone know that you haven’t strayed from the boutique. Now you can protect yourself from the elements while still showing who you really are: a slamming hottie.

This is a MUST if you want to be taken seriously in Law Class. It’s not on the reading list so it shows your initiative and love of the law. If it’s week three and you’re already finicky about footnoting it can only be a good thing. Prop it up next to your Air for optimum visibility. You want your tutor and classmates to see. Oh and if you’re worried about your ‘smart’ status with the girls, don’t be. Simply, place it on top of French Vogue for good measure.

It’s not a mid-life crisis, I swear... with every mature-aged student ever It’s week three and I have to tell you university has been a complete roller coaster. Naturally I’ve intimidated a lot of my classmates. While I only mention it when I feel it’s absolutely essential, it’s a pretty big deal to everyone in MECO1010 that I have industry experience. It’s probably hard for them to understand why someone with such a strong understanding of the media world is doing a media degree. To be honest, I don’t really know what I’m doing here either. It’s definitely nothing to do with my husband’s innate sense

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of superiority over me though. I will admit to occasionally in lectures thinking about the fact that I worked as a Senior Administrative Assistant for Fairfax for twelve years and how it’s unlikely that anyone in the room will ever get an interview there. At the same time I’m thrilled to be around all these young people. After making a point of asking for everyone’s full name in tutorials, I’m up to 80 Facebook friends! That’s almost double how many my sister Julie has and most of hers are friends of her husband who works in the technology industry. In my MECO1700 class we have a group assignment. Despite my best efforts to get in with some of the self-titled media “girls club” I ended up with the other mature age student in the class and a homosexual boy called “Q”. Initially I was reserved about Q, until I told myself

“TRACY, you’re at university now, you must learn to accept those that lead alternative lifestyles.” Since then Q and I have really bonded. After our group meeting on Friday we went up to Manning House and both bought beers! Q of course was a bit uncomfortable being seen with someone of the opposite sex. I cleverly counteracted this by telling him that if he was to see a boy he wanted to get to know better, I would do the wingman to help him do that. Anyway, I’m really glad I can now say I have a young homosexual friend (and have been to the famous Manning House!). I do feel a bit guilty though about being at a bar when I had intended to do my Philosophy elective readings. While Q and I are getting into a great work routine, Roger, the other mature age student is a serious drag. He won’t shut up about how he worked as a pho-

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Even Roger hates Roger.

tographer for the Sun Herald for over two decades. I felt like just stopping him and saying “no one cares, Roger”. At this stage, I feel Roger is the only thing holding Q and I back from doing really well in this assignment.

SRC Help

Harassment & Discrimination - Ask Your Rights on Campus Abe “All staff, students and affiliates at the University have a right to work or study in an environment that is free from unlawful harassment and discrimination, and to be treated with dignity and respect, irrespective of their background, beliefs or culture.” 1

Dear Abe, Is it true that I can change all of my subject choices before the end of March? The Faculty says that I could only do that in week one. What is the real story? Changeable Dear Changeable,

What is Unlawful Harassment? The University defines unlawful harassment as any type of behaviour that: • the other person does not want; and • offends, insults, humiliates or intimidates them; and is either

- sexual, or

- targets them because of their race, sex, pregnancy, marital status, transgender, sexual preference or orientation (including homosexuality, lesbianism, bisexuality and heterosexuality), disability, age, carers’ responsibility, political belief, lack of a political belief, lack of a particular political belief (including trade union activity or lack of it, and student association activity or lack of it), religious belief, lack of a religious belief, and/or lack of a particular religious belief; and • that, in the circumstances, a reasonable person should have expected would offend, insult, humiliate, or intimidate.

This includes actual, potential and perceived (imputed) race, sex, pregnancy, marital status, etc. Some types of harassment, such as sexual harassment and other forms of physical assault and/or stalking, are also illegal under criminal law. These types of harassment may result in criminal prosecution. Other types of harassment may not be ‘unlawful’ under anti-discrimination legislation, but may nonetheless contravene the University’s staff and student Codes of Conduct or the University’s Workplace Bullying Prevention Policy and Resolution Procedure.

What is Unlawful Discrimination? The University defines unlawful discrimination as any practice that makes an unlawful distinction between individuals or groups, so as to disadvantage some people and advantage others. Discrimination may be ‘direct’ (specifically acting against someone)

or ‘indirect’ (inadvertently acting against someone who has a particular characteristic).

What should you do? If you think you are being discriminated against or harassed make detailed notes about days and times of the incidents noting any potential witnesses. Your safety is an immediate concern. Talk to an SRC caseworker about how to make a complaint and what possible outcomes there are. Remember that a caseworker can give you an idea of what you can expect without forcing you to take action unless you want to. 1. The University of Sydney (2010). Harassment and Discrimination Prevention Policy and Resolution Procedure. Retrieved 3rd February, 2012 from http://fmweb01.ucc.usyd.edu.au/ pol/.

help@src.usyd.edu.au Phone: 9660 5222

If you want to do a subject it is best to be enrolled and attended all its classes in week 1. At a stretch week 2 is ok, but some subject will already have allocated groups for future assessments. To drop a subject without financial or academic penalty do it before the “HECs census date”. That’s 30th March and 30th August in each year. There is also a date you can drop a subject without academic penalty. You still have to pay for it, but you won’t receive a fail. That’s usually in week 6 of the semester. If you need help with these dates email SRC Help for more details. Abe Abe is the SRC’s welfare dog. This column offers students the opportunity to ask questions on anything. This can be as personal as a question on a Centrelink payment or as general as a question on the state of the world. If you would like to ask Abe a question send an email to help@src.usyd.edu.au. Abe gathers his answers from experts in a number of areas. Coupled with his own expertise on dealing with people, living on a low income and being a dog, Abe’s answers can provide you excellent insight.

For undergraduate Sydney Uni Students

FREE

FREE legal advice, representation in court and a referral service to undergraduate students at The University of Sydney.

We have a solicitor who speaks Cantonese, Mandarin & Japanese

• Immigration Advice • Tenancy law • Credit & debt • Discrimination & harassment • Traffic offences • Criminal law • Employment law

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• Credit and debt • Administration (gov) law • Victims compensation • Consumer complaints • Domestric violence • Insurance law • University complaints • And more ... please ask us

Students’ Representative Council, University of Sydney Level 1 Wentworth Building, Uni of Sydney 02 9660 5222 | www.src.usyd.edu.au | ACN 146 653 143

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NEED a Justice of the Peace? Our solicitor will certify documents & witness statutory declarations Appointments Phone 02 9660 5222 Drop-in sessions (no appointment needed) Tuesdays & Thursdays 1pm-3pm Location Level 1 (basement) Wentworth Building, City Road, Darlington

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SRC Reports SRC President’s Report

Education can’t simply be measured in dollars and cents, writes Phoebe Drake like, if all goes to plan, the allocation of your $263 fee, which can be deferred, is set to be determined over the next fortnight.

An Update on SSAF: Your money, but where is it going? As many of you know, an all student email was sent to students on Monday evening in regards to the distribution of the Student Services and Amenities Fee from the Vice-Chancellor’s office, surmising the process so far. All student organisations have been working closely together and it looks

The SRC has met with SUPRA (the postgraduate representative body), USU (your union), CSG (the Cumberland Student Guild), SUSF (sports and fitness), and Student Support Services (the department within the university that provides you with support services such as counseling). Together we have decided that a transitional approach must be taken in 2012 to ensure that, ultimately, we can provide the best services to you both in this year, and the years to follow. The allocation of funds for 2012 sees a slight increase to the budgets of all student organisations, which will allow the maintenance of service provision as well as an increase in some of the services

provided to students.

international students).

As you know, the SRC provides many services to students and all of our services are free: casework, legal service, collectives and departments, emergency loans etc. We are very proud of these services and happy to tell you that we will be continuing with all of these (and, quite possibly, more).

Both CISA and NUS are concerned about the situation that currently faces international students from Iran as a consequence of the increased sanctions against Iran and the decline of the exchange rate.

We know you might have concerns or questions about the process, and the SRC is happy to provide students with more information if needed. Feel free to email or visit us in the Wentworth Building. Iranian Student Crisis On another note, I have been contacted this week by NUS (the national representative body for students) who have been working closely with CISA (the national representative body for

CISA are running a survey to get a better idea of the situation facing students from Iran in Australia. The survey can be accessed via the following link http://www.survey.nusa.org.au/index. php?sid=92914&lang=en If you are experiencing any difficulties as a result of the restrictions on international movement of money from Iran, and aren’t sure what to do, you can visit the SRC for help and information. Phoebe Drake is the SRC President

SRC Vice President’s Report Just hook it to my veins, writes Tom Raue I’d like to briefly write about something that the SRC doesn’t talk about much these days: drug activism. I would contend that drug activism is just as important as issues like queer or refugee activism. Let me explain why. First, I think people have a right to do whatever they want with their own bodies. If you want to eat a hamburger, go bungee jumping, get an abortion, smoke pot, or have gender reassignment surgery, the government shouldn’t be able to stop you. Sure, drugs can be dangerous, but so are many legal activities. Riding a horse is statistically more dangerous than using ecstasy. If I want to take a risk and ride a horse, I should

be allowed to. Secondly, because drugs are so dangerous, they shouldn’t be outlawed. At first this sounds idiotic, but it makes sense when you look at the results of drug prohibition. Drugs are made with dodgy ingredients in unsanitary conditions, instead of clean factories. There’s no warning label telling you about safe dosages, like we have with alcohol and prescription medication. Organised crime grows around the illegal drug trade, creating gang warfare. Horrible as cigarette companies are, they don’t do drive-by shootings. Countries like Portugal and the

Netherlands have decriminalised many drugs. This has not led to an explosion in the rate of drug use. In fact, the level of drug use has hardly changed at all. What has changed is the safety of those drugs, and the way addiction is dealt with. Instead of sending drug users to jail, they are put into rehabilitation programs. We too should recognise that drug use is a health issue, not a criminal one. Drugs disproportionately affect people of lower socio economic status, and people from racial minorities. Drugs are a particularly big issue for young people and students like you.

Whether or not you agree that drugs should be legalised, it is obvious that drugs are a huge issue. In Australia there are 80,000 drug related arrests a year. Thousands of Australians are imprisoned, and millions are affected, by drug prohibition. Many people die from overdoses that could be avoided with better information about drugs instead of an unrealistic scare campaign. Drug policy should receive the same scrutiny as other areas of the law, and activists like us in the SRC should stop ignoring the issue. Tom Raue is the SRC Vice President

International Officers’ Report

Jay Ka Jing Ng discusses concession cards for international students

Recently, we have launched a petition along with other (international) students organisations such as NUS, CISA and CAPA for a New South Wales and Victoria international students concession. The petition has achieved over 4000 signatures within two weeks and it is still growing rapidly. This petition is important for every international student for a lot of reasons.

Financial issues: It has been two weeks since O-week and I hope all the international freshmen students are getting used to their new lives on our wonderful campus. Don’t forget the SRC is always here to help when you come across any issues on campus. Firstly, I would love to say thank you for everyone who has signed up for our international students’ collective! It is a great first step to get involved and strive for our rights in Australia.

International students find it difficult to uphold a fair portion of expenses, given the sky-high tuition fee has already eaten away most of our parents’ budgets for our education. In other words, students have to live far away from campus because living in the city is not affordable, and furthermore, some of us have to walk home in the dark from the train station for 20 minutes, simply because the cost of the 10-minute bus ride is

too expensive at full price. This leads to safety issues, particularly in winter, when the sunsets early. More importantly, international students in other states and territories except NSW and VIC, are eligible for concessions, which makes the fairness inconsistent nationally. Notably, providing concessions for international students would actually benefit the government as a marketing strategy, where 89.5 per cent of students (out of the 2036 students in a survey) said they would recommend an alternative study destination to family or friends due to the lack of concessions. Personal and social matters: The choice of studying abroad is not solely about learning but it also includes gaining different life and social experiences. It seems impossible for students to have leisure time with friends such as gathering for a picnic or going to a Sunday market because ‘transportation’

is getting in the way. We have to make a choice between the weekly groceries and transportation every time. Our parents have sacrificed so much to support our choice in coming to Australia and what we would love to do is to learn more about the foreign culture and to make the most of it. After all, international students want to be treated equally in this country; we are all students, we are no different apart from our passports. Regardless of who you are, domestic or international, please support this petition in this link and make our voices heard: http://www.change.org/petitions/nswand-victorian-governments-provide-travel-concessions-for-international-studentsfairfares. Jay Ka Jing Ng is one of the SRC International Officers

For more information about the SRC, visit: www.src.usyd.edu.au honi soit

@honi_soit

SRC Reports Education Officers’ Report

Bring back the student-led university, write David Pink and Sam Farrell From subject cuts to the botched takeover of the University of Sydney Union, pretty much everything bad at Sydney Uni has one root cause: the fact that University management lacks any real accountability. The Vice-Chancellor has been able to push through things like staff cuts that no more than a handful of students and staff will ever support because the University Senate, which supposedly governs, has been reduced to a group of yes-men who bend to his will. All this stems from the ongoing corporatisation of university governance since the late 1980s, away from old collegiate forms which promoted academics to senior management positions. The trend has been towards treating the Senate like a secretive corporate boardroom, using commercial confidentiality laws to restrict access by student and staff to

the managerial process. There has also been an expansion in the size and power of senior administrative staff, with real decision-making power increasingly delegated to elite committees like the Senior Executive Group which have little student or staff oversight. ‘Student control of student affairs’ has long been the mantra of activists who care about organisations like the SRC and the Union, but we need to consider what this really means. When it comes down to it, education is the core affair of students: it’s why all 50,000 of us are at this place. If students were in charge, would the university be cutting staff like Bruce Gardiner and Adrian Heathcoate? Would we sit idly by as the size of our tutorials keeps on growing? I’m not convinced that if the largest stakeholders in the University actually had a say

we would keep sacrificing standards of teaching and learning for financial benefit.

dents should not be treated as clients to be consulted and cheated out of a good education.

The fundamental weakness of representative organisations like the SRC is that, while we are consulted, we are excluded from the actual decision-making process – there is only one undergraduate student who sits on the Senate, and you can bet he’s outvoted whenever an important decision gets made. It simply isn’t acceptable that the people who are at the heart of the system don’t have any say in how it’s run.

We need to place students in the driving seat of university governance: we need to champion a different approach to institutional governance that re-distributes power in decision making. A start would be abolishing the farcical sausage sizzle contest we have for Senate elections, and placing an actual representative like the SRC President on the Senate. Maybe then we could start talking about placing a student on the Senior Executive Group.

For too long, the Vice-Chancellor and his predecessors have pushed through an agenda which treats teaching and learning like a commodity. We might be paying for this education, but students are not consumers buying a degree: education is a right. That means that stu-

Let’s bring back the student-led university. Join your SRC. David Pink and Sam Farrell are the SRC Education Officers

General Secretary’s Report

Tim Matthews: make us an offer we can’t refuse I am extremely proud of the work that the SRC does. Last year, over 1100 students benefitted from our caseworkers, hundreds from our free legal service, and countless more from our ongoing advocacy and representation work. However, nobody can doubt that we could do it better – we could reach more students, provide different services, and run better funded campaigns. Over the holidays, we created detailed proposals to do just that. In the Student Services and Amenities Fee, the SRC saw an opportunity to meet all of your expectations of student leadership and student services. We were invited to make a proposal to the Senior Executive Group of the University detailing new and expanded projects that we would like to put your funding to. True to the dynamism and creativity only possible in student leadership, we designed

many new projects that we are extremely proud of. These included bringing better casework services to satellite campuses, improving orientation across the board, working towards creating a better community on campus, and addressing the unique requirements of living and studying at our University. Imagine our surprise then, having received our project proposals, that the SSAF Budget Allocation Committee recommended funding none of them (and none from any other student organisation). You received an email this week from the Vice-Chancellor (potentially that email you sent to spam…) detailing the process undertaken, and expressing his regret that negotiations were ongoing to this point. The reason this process is increasingly protracted is that the univer-

sity is refusing to acknowledge SSAF as an opportunity to expand student support services on campus – viewing that goal as either unworthy or untenable. The funding recommendations proposed by the Committee see the SRC receiving less funding in 2012 than we received in many post-VSU years before the University had SSAF funding. In fact, the only years our funding has been lower are 2010-11. Your SRC is committed to selfimprovement. As the Vice-Chancellor noted, we are currently engaged in extremely productive negotiations with other student service providers on campus over how we can all best meet your expectations. I am confident that we can work together to this end. This is not a case of student organisations being petty or ham-stringing a bud-

geting process. This is about us fulfilling our mandate to ensure that you get the return on your money that you deserve – because as the Vice-Chancellor so glibly posited: it is your money. Tim Matthews is the SRC General Secretary

Women’s Officers’ Report

Once, twice, three takes a lady, write Kate O’Brien and Annabel Osborn The under-representation of women in particular areas of the workforce, especially in sectors typically dominated by men, remains a pertinent issue in society. Perhaps this simply occurs due to the long-standing idea of the glass ceiling; the idea that there are invisible inequities and challenges women face due to an overriding patriarchal culture and sexist mentalities which, in effect, undermine women’s ability to reach their full potential. Although there are various legal measures attempting to enable women to live a life free from discrimination and sexist regimes, it becomes glaringly obvious that the gender-based discrimination which remains is complex and can’t solely be fixed by a change in policy. You can legislate for change but you can’t easily change mindsets. The film industry depicts a substantial

under-representation of women despite the fact that more women than men complete tertiary education in film-related study. The facts are pretty grim. In 2011: • Only 10 per cent of protagonists in the top 100 worldwide grossing films were women, compared to 59 per cent with male leads • Of all directors, producers and writers, merely 13 per cent were women • Women made up only 5 per cent of directors, almost half the percentage of women directors working in 1998 We have the legislation behind us to help eradicate formal discrimination, we have the women actors, and we have the intelligence and supposedly the means to excel in all areas of film. And yet informal discrimination remains as a

discreet barrier to women achieving the status they deserve. Seen & Heard Film Festival Co-ordinator, Lucy Randall, says that ‘we have to start viewing the lack of women behind the scenes [in film] as a problem’ in order to effectively change this predicament. Seen & Heard is an annual Sydney based film festival showcasing films by women in major production roles. With an aim to promote awareness about gender imbalance in the film industry, Seen & Heard provides a platform to showcase and support current women directors, producers, writers, editors, and cinematographers by celebrating their work. Films from across the Globeincluding UK, Sweden, Iran, Brazil, the USA, France, Spain, and Australia- will be screened at this year’s Seen & Heard festival. Best of all, it only has an entry

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by donation policy and profits are given to Life Force Cancer Foundation. We can do our part to get women noticed and respected in industries such as film simply by attending events! Seen & Heard will be spanning across three Thursday nights - March 15, 22 and 29 - at the Red Rattler in Marrickville. For more info, visit their webpage (seenandheardfilms.com) or find them on Facebook (facebook.com/seenandheardfilms). If you’re a woman and interested in discussing inequalities and finding ways we can improve the current situation, come along to Women’s Collective - 1pm Wednesday’s in the Women’s Room, Holme Building. Kate O’Brien and Annabel Osborn are the SRC Women’s Officers

honi soit

Lecture Notes THE QUIZ

SUDOKU

1. What famous novel begins, “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife”? 2. The longest gestation period (pregnancy) of any land animal is 22 months, what land animal is this? 3. An anemometer is a device used to measure: 4. What is the main currency of Finland? 5. Amelia Earhart was the first woman to fly solo across which body of water? 6. Who stars as Paul Kemp in the film, recently adapted from a Hunter S. Thompson novel of the same title, The Rum Diary? 7. Tennis star Roger Federer has won the most men’s singles Grand-slam titles of all time with 16, who has won the second-most? 8. Mageirocophobia is the fear of what? 9. Who is the host city of the 2016 Olympic Games? 10. Walter De Maria famously filled an entire New York gallery with what substance? A) excrement B) soil C) water 11. The wife of which former Australian political figure passed away at the age of 92 last week? 12. What is the capital of Ukraine? 13. From 1884 until 1918, the countries of Tanganyika, Rwanda and Burundi were a single colony under the control of which European nation? 14. The human heart is found within which compartment in the thoracic region? A) middle mediastinum B) posterior mediastinum C) superior mediastinum 15. Which cyclist was earlier this year stripped of his 2010 Tour de France and 2011 Giro d’Italia titles after being found guilty of a doping offence? 16. What is the second largest planet in our solar system? 17. Who directed the final four Harry Potter films, debuting on Order of the Phoenix and finishing with the Deathly Hallows Part II? 18. Who wrote the novel, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn? 19. What modern-day country is home to the ancient region of Asia Minor? 20. At the 2012 Grammy Awards, Jennifer Hudson performed what song as a tribute to Whitney Houston?

CROSSWORD

Which word doesn’t belong in this list? Alterations, Flattering, Lengtheners, Nevertheless, Linters, Plastering, Relisting and Rationales.

TEASER

TARGET k

a y r

KENKEN

Make as many words out of the letters above, always including the letter in the centre. 12 = Great work. 22 = Gold star. 30 = Top of the class!

KenKen tips: 1. Numbers can not repeat in any row or column. 2. The puzzle is split into boxes called “cages” 3. In the upper left-hand corner of each cage is a target number and a mathematical sign indicating how the numerals within a particular cage interact to produce the target number.

Answers below

ACROSS

DOWN

1. Towards acidity @ number one head gear (3,3)

1. Distress in back street finds facts (6)

4. Crumbled from the bottom to the top? (6,2)

3. Late RV broken down to move (6)

8. So, a note on the City of Angels (2) 9. Unfortunately, we do seem indebted (4) 10. Returning rodent is smeared on the asphalt (3) 11. Bond is initially violent or wild (3) 12. Fermented pear if it is before a meal (8) 13. Iniquitous flowers in full view (6) 15. Meh; Elmo frightened the man (2,5)

2. See 4-down 4, 2. Develop two to harden up (4,1,4) 5. Reportedly, it’s a complete cow tit (5) 6. Peace and quiet for Dime Town is a bit muddled (8) 7. Amusing caper if I am one to quell agitation (8) 14. Points of ultraconservatism indicate a hesitation (2) 16. Do a bit of the old in-and-out, officer; you departed (8)

17. Continuing upon leaving (7)

18. Brag, lie; destruction blows a trumpet (7)

20. Pull leg and finish off (4,2)

19. Easy as a fraction, they say (2)

22. Shake Al, rumble cover (8)

20. Naked polar of 20-acr is transparent (6)

25. Molecule is heard to de-crease (3) 26. Lettuce function? (3) 27. In bingo, odd is virtuous (4) 28. Act to reverse overdose (2) 29. Extends through injured generals (8) 30. Squanders and set saw back (6)

Paps

21. The fish flushed Common Era piss (6) 23. Keen to grow old in E.R. (5) 24. Assistants are uncooperative, E said (5) 26. Pelt of paint? (4)

Answers The Quiz: 1. Pride and Prejudice 2. Elephants 3. Wind speed or pressure 4. The Euro 5. Atlantic Ocean 6. Johnny Depp 7. Pete Sampras 8. Fear of cooking 9. Rio de Janeiro, Brazil 10. B- soil 11. Gough Whitlam 12. Kiev 13. Germany 14. A- middle mediastinum 15. Alberto Contador 16. Saturn 17. David Yates 18. Mark Twain 19. Turkey 20. ‘I Will Always Love You’ Brain Teaser: Flattering. Every other word contains all 6 letters initially given during the bonus rounds in Wheel of Fortune (R, S, T, L , N, E).

honi soit

@honi_soit

The Back Page The Force From The North: Bob Katter’s Political Roundup

’day folks and welcome to Katter country where we like our mines out in the open and our gays deep in the closet. Now as you are no doubt well aware a little video of mine’s been causing more commotion than a croc in a childcare centre lately. Now if you ask me the video in question is nothing more than an impotent (sic) contribution to the political landscape of this wide, brown – don’t get any ideas, I mean dirt, not foreigners, ya bloody

lefties! – land. Now I don’t know what you lot down in the spiritual home of ‘Lardi Da’ have been hearing from the poofta press but stroke a bloody wombat if I’m not gonna do what Bob Katter does best and tell it like it bloody well is. I’m sure you’re as uncomfortably aware as I am that some accusations of ‘homogaysexness’ have been bandied about of late and I’d like to take this opportunity to set the record straight (in both senses of the word). My decision to take part in a flash-mob outside the steps of the Queensland parliament earlier this year does not mean that I have turned over the pillow to the dark side. I have consulted my half-‘brother’ Carl – whose tent is firmly pitched in the lavender camp if you know what I mean – and he assures me, just as I would like to assure you my honest, hard-working,

true-blue readers, that my damn foolish decision to be seen dancing in public does not mean I have caught the gay – despite often being within an infectious distance of Bob Brown. In fact, as Carl put it, “homosexuality is not a disease, you fucking horrible idiot!” While that remains to be scientifically proven, you can all rest assured that my inability to remember the dance moves proves that far from feeling a bit queer I’m still as Aussie as shearing sheep, snags on the barbie and hate speech. So, now that that bloody mess is all cleared up it’s time to focus on the real issues affecting our great nation: how to use homophobic attack ads to destabilize Campbell Newman’s run for the Queensland premiership. Don’t you worry though, you scarf-wearing, cup-o-cino sipping, city-slickers because if there’s one

LOST The TV series I never thought it lived up to the hype anyway The Love; where is it? Contact: The Black-Eyed Peas Hope Contact: Newt Gingrich Sense of shame Contact: Kid listening to Skrillex on the bus. Comeback Contact: I. Thorpe Die Hard 4.0. Where did it go? Have you seen it? It was part of a box-set but it’s not in the box! Is it behind the couch? Oh wait it was in the DVD player the whole time... WANTED South Korea Please contact: Kim Jong-un

More cocaine and hookers to fuel second naked rampage Contact: J. Russell Identity of my own Please contact: Jessica Rudd Big Girls Clothes Please contact: Bindi Irwin Israel Please contact: Iran Anti-hystamine. They weren’t lying when they said it may contain traces of nuts! ALL the internet shopping Contact: Asma Assad Swimming Career Contact: I. Thorpe FOR SALE Cash-money. Will accept body parts. Moleskin, it’s a bit mouldy... More like mould-skin! Hotcakes N.B. Selling like…yeah….

PERSONALS Hey Stella! Stella! STELLA! STELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAA! Overweight middle-aged white male looking for young Asian female companion; there’s no joke here, my wife just left for a 30-year-old fitness instructor and I’m so desperately, desperately lonely. Older gentleman looking for younger male lover. Must be discreet. Contact: B. Katter PETS Meryl Sheep Can do a mean Margaret Thatcher Annabel Crab Feeds only on politics FOR RENT Single room in Newtown terrace. Vegans only. No fascists, no men, no questions. Must like cats and be able to deal with faint ‘fungus’ smell. Contact: A. Dreamcatcher

Classifieds

WARNING: Highly contagious homogaysexness

thing I know its how to make a fair and balanced video, ‘cause I’m Bob Katter and I’m your force from the north! MARRIAGES Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries But for rlz this time! Promise!!!1! DEATHS Matt Preston, 51 Cause of death: Cravats (oh and the rampant Type 2 Diabetes) Margaret Whitlam, 92 There’s nothing funny about this, she seemed like a lovely lady. RETRACTIONS I apologise to Sandra Fluke for not making fun of her stupid, communist, slutty-slut slut slut face enough! Sincerely, R. Limbaugh HONI WARNING Some advertisements requesting money to be transferred to an address or account prior to receiving the goods may be fraudulent! For more information please send $45 in cash to Scammy McScam-scam, 123 Fake St.

Slouching Towards Bethlehem: Redux This message has been preserved in the apocalypse-proof vault hidden deep within the nuclear war resistant pages of Honi Soit. If you are reading this than you are the next civilization to inhabit our fair planet. Hello! Congratulations! Curious as to what information lies in this communiqué? YOU SHOULD BE. Close to three million years ago the Mayans predicted the end of all mankind as we know it. December 21, 2012 is the moment our Mayan friends prophesied the apocalypse would arrive, and the organized among us have dutifully pencilled the date in our diaries. The Mayans were notable for many reasons, number one being the fact that they were never wrong. Despite their intelligence, the Mayans are no longer around today, and one can only assume that this is part of their ingenious design that contemporary historians and scientists are too dumb to decipher. There are some who speculate that they built a rudimentary spaceship and currently reside on the moon, whilst others believe that they are all owning us in a massive game of hide and seek. Wild theories aside, it is we who are the ones left to deal with the impending doom that is quite definitely headed our way this December. So, whilst the masses

It is entirely possible that you have developed naturally from the charcoaled remains of our bones and other organic matter. Perhaps you got here by spaceship like our Mayan friends. Perhaps you ARE our Mayan friends returned to earth from your lunar sojourn. Either way, as a student of history I recognise the power that knowledge of the past can provide for your futures, and so I will outline in these letters what you missed out on, and the lessons we have humans have learned from our many millions of years on this planet.

sheets for clothes, didn’t contribute too much else - we have always had a keen awareness for the planets that surround us, but it wasn’t until 1968 that a pair of stoned Arts Students came to the stunning realisation that we were actually on a planet ourselves. A number of years went by with people referring to our native planet as ‘Ol’ Green n’ Blue’ or (more commonly)‘The Big Wet n’ Dry’ until 1977 when the name ‘Earth’ was chosen by a group of specially selected children. The name was of particular significance because it was the only word in the English language to contain all vowels in order. The name stuck and the rest, as they say, well as we say, perhaps you don’t say it, it’s a saying now at least, is history.

But first, some housekeeping. It may be of interest to note that we humans called this planet ‘Earth’. Ever since the Ancient Greeks - liked wearing bed-

I guess you could say that humanity’s relationship with Earth has been somewhat rocky. You’re sure to find after living on Earth for a few years that

clamour to say goodbye to their loved ones in month long orgies, I have taken it upon myself to write this message in the event that some other civilisation should take up residency here.

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the planet has a personality of sorts – which we have sometimes referred to as ‘Mother Nature’. DON’T BE FOOLED BY THE NAME! This ‘mother’ is a spiteful bitch whose cunt is as withered and dry as something very withered and dry. Sure, we ‘allegedly’ polluted her with reckless abandon and mined her body for precious minerals, ores, and gases without remorse – but we all make mistakes. You will too, I’m sure, but I’ll be there to guide you through it all. Yours direly,

honi soit

Students’ Representative Council The University of Sydney

C R S i n U y Sydne

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