Conversations rants & Raves
dressed for success? Your clothing brands and the stereotypes that stick to you. By Matt Ehrmann • Collage Danny Mancuso
Mark Twain said “clothes make the man”. The quote is usually neutered right there, but it goes on to say “naked people have little or no influence on society”. It’s a joke, get it? It’s the best kind of joke: one that has a truth about it. Since that little gem was bestowed on us hundreds of years ago, much has changed, and it should be slightly amended for modern times. Might I submit the addendum “yet naked people have more influence on society than a man wearing an Affliction shirt”? I’m not completely serious, of course, but certain clothing brands have been hijacked and beaten into a bloody mess, unrecognizable as anything resembling of what they once stood for. Admit that certain people are drawn to certain brands. If clothes really do make the man, what do your clothes say about you? Tap Out: You are a male knuckle dragger with attitude (issues). A slow-witted, semi violent man who starts a lot of bar fights that oftentimes end horizontally for you. You are under the impression that the brand was where it was years ago, a statement in the name of competition and strength, and are blissfully unaware that the stigma, which you yourself have perpetuated, is like a plague upon the trend. You also had a lot of Starter gear when you were growing up, and you ruined that too. North Face: You lived in a college dorm for some amount of time in your life. You couldn’t care less about fashion. You prefer the comfort only fleece can provide you, and anything you can’t throw on in two seconds isn’t worth the trouble. Staying warm is second to nothing, and you sure aren’t willing to suffer in the name of style. You might have your hair in a ponytail right now. Ed Hardy: Ed Hardy shirts are the new tramp stamps. With designs that could have been stolen from a 25 cent temporary tattoo dispenser, it’s for the girls (they have guys clothes too? whoa) who want to appear arty but get their culture from department stores. It’s only high art if they sell it in a mall, right? Affliction: Sparkly, shiny things sure as hell didn’t make vampires cool, and it doesn’t work here either. A three legged dog with a charcoal pencil taped to his ass could come up with better graphics. You wear Affliction because it’s kinda sorta like Tap Out, only more metro. It’s another example of a brand gone severely wrong when it was adopted by a bunch of stupid honky posers. 64 SEPT/OCT 2010
4PMmag.com