36 Questions that help people to Fall in Love.

The topic came up in themiddle of a book club meeting that I recently became a part of.

So far we hadn’t discussed any books and I was beginning to think that, this was just an elaborate excuse for people to meet up and hang out on Saturday evenings so that they can help each other rationalize ‘the human experience’. This was exactly what I was looking for!

“So there’s this set of questions,” started one of the members, “they’ve been said to help people fall in love.”

Immediately my mind went to this New York Times piece by Mandy Len Catron. This written piece pointed to the work of the psychologist Arthur Aron, who succeeded in making two strangers fall in love in his laboratory, through his study. At the end of the study they list two sets of questions one for ‘small-talk’ and another for ‘closeness generation’. The study in itself is purely academic and drains away all emotion or sense of wonder, and it begs the question will an experiment that generates love in a laboratory setting, have the same rate of success in a real world scenario?

In the real world, there’s plenty of ambient noise fromconversation and background music. If done in a restaurantor bar, then there’s a high chance of interruption fromwait-staff or the occasional run in from a friend fromcollege/high school, who keeps talking despite the fruitlessattempts to end the conversation and the constant hintsthat you were on a date. Could these questions survive theconstant interruptions that colour everyday life? I’d advicethat you think ahead, and factor privacy into your plans ifyou’re going to use these questions.

It’s obvious that a majority of the people skimming throughthis article are looking to use these questions. Sohere are some of the rules that were used inthe study:

Be honest: no matter howgood/perfectyou want toseem to yourpartner, behonest about

your views. People can smell a lie a mile away and it willend up causing disconnect instead of closeness. Discussingthings that might be uncomfortable is part of theprocess and vulnerability is key when fostering a genuineconnection.

Both should answer the questions before moving on to the next one: one party should ask the

questions, and after the other party has given their answers,they could give their answer as well.

Don’t rush through the questions: The point is to have productive conversation, not to complete an exam.

Follow through on everything, even the 4 minute session of eye-contact at the end of these questions.

With this in mind we have to ask the question, what abouthow things worked before? What about physical attraction,spontaneity and seemingly effortless conversation thatleads to affection?

Well, if you’re one of the few who has no problemnavigating the awkward mine-field that is ‘humaninteraction’ then sure, by all means stick to the methodthat’s always worked for you. This study and questions inno way cancel out the way people fell in love in the past, ifanything they give an opportunity to those who have a hardtime opening up to try their hand at getting affection.

out there where the same prank is carried out differentunsuspecting individuals and in turn we get a diverse rangeof reactions.

The movie Newness, by director Drake Doremus and writerBen York Jones, interrogates this thought through Martinand Gabi’s date when He asks her if she’s ever been in loveand she answered “yes, I think so, I mean when peoplesay they’re in love it’s because they think they’re in love,right?” Point being there really isn’t a way to quantify thisexperience outside of the individual. So whether it happensorganically or in a controlled environment, it’s up to thepeople involved to determine how real what they have is,and no one else.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, here are the 36,closeness generating, questions:

Set I

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom wouldyou want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearsewhat you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retaineither the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to havein common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you wereraised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story inas much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any onequality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself,your life, the future or anything else, what would you wantto know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for along time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly,would you change anything about the way you are nowliving? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positivecharacteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel yourchildhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with yourmother?

Set III

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance,“We are both in this room feeling ... “

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone withwhom I could share ... “

27. If you were going to become a close friend with yourpartner, please share what would be important for him orher to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be veryhonest this time, saying things that you might not say tosomeone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment inyour life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? Byyourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about themalready.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity tocommunicate with anyone, what would you most regret nothaving told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire.After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time tosafely make a final dash to save any one item. What wouldit be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would youfind most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s adviceon how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner toreflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about theproblem you have chosen.`