The Edge August 2016

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EDGE

the ISSUE NO: 238

AUGUST 2016

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The Edge 238_The Edge 172.qxd 21/07/2016 15:39 Page 2

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The Edge 01245 348256

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The Edge Editor’s Column BREXIT This mag has never been big on politics, but with something as seismic as Brexit, I’m sure you’ll understand that four of The Edge’s contributors have chosen to write about the shocking outcome in this particular edition.

So please do read their views on pages 21, 25, 26 and 30, because if you still aren’t aware of the key points and factors, you will be if you take the time to read what’s written within these pages.

SOCIAL EXPERIMENT Did you see the social experiment on C4 on 5th July called Life Stripped Bare?

We’ve all got stuff and they reckon that the average person living in the UK today each has 1,000 things (i.e. a sweater equals one thing).

Thing is though, how much of it do we actually need?

Three brave, and it has to be said young, households (neither were married and there

were definitely no kids involved) took part over a 21 day period and they truly were stripped bare/naked, including their cash, credit cards and mobile phones (although there were food and drink rations to survive on).

They were then allowed one single item back into their lives per day.

Now call me straight-laced, but I really didn’t see why they were made to walk/trot naked the half-mile or so to the containers that were storing their belongings in order to each claim, after the initial 24 hour period with sweet FA, a onesie (or onesie equivalent) in order to hide their modesty. But thereafter it truly was interesting to see the things they then each prioritised.

Most heartening of all was to see one girl wanting her mobile phone because she missed her mum and her friends, but then immediately deciding to remove herself from the likes of Facecock and Instagram because the experiment had made her realise that she wasted far too much time in her time on both, and she’d actually come to the conclusion that she needed neither.

EXODUS Sticking with what’s been on the tele, my god, did you tune in to Exodus - Our Journey To Europe?

It was an unbelievable three-part documentary about the biggest movement of refugees in Europe since the second world war by people who were actually living it, which was why it was all the more painful and disconcerting to watch.

There was a truly charismatic 11-year-old Syrian girl called Isra on there who you would be so totally proud of if she were your very own daughter. Her amazing ability to simply keep on smiling no matter what trials and tribulations were put in her path. I honestly will not forget her in a hurry.

Isra and her family travel by dinghy from Izmir in Turkey, where 800,000 refugees entered Europe in 2015, to Greece. You may recall that is where the body of the 3-year-old Syrian boy got washed up on the beach last year.

They have very little; the clothes they are wearing plus a bag or two. Missiles have totally destroyed both their homes and belongings.

Isra’s father was forced to pay a human trafficker 12,000 Euros (approx. £10,000) to take 8 adults and 8 children on a journey that would have cost 22 Euros each if they had been allowed to travel legally by ferry.

The sheer inhumanity of this documentary was breathtaking.

They are simply human beings, just like you and I, and had I been in there position, I very much doubt I would have been so brave.

SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION How can The Shawshank Redemption not be in Citizen’s ‘Top 10’ movies - see page 8?

LINDOS, RHODES We were planning on going to Turkey for ten days in September, but in light of recent events, we’ve ended up thinking somewhat better of it.

So Lindos on the Greek island of Rhodes is somewhere we’ve always fancied, so that is now in pole position.

If any of you readers have been and have any tips on where to stay and what mustn’t be missed, please ping me an email.

LENGTHY BOY Many thanks to Lengthy-Boy for inviting us to his brilliant 40th birthday doo. Shame there’s always one sheer and utter prick of a guest tho’.

THE EDGE Chelmsford CM2 6XD 077 646 7 97 44 shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

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The Edge 01245 348256

The Edge 238_The Edge 172.qxd 22/07/2016 14:53 Page 5

Sad News

Cute Scooter Check out Luke’s cute scooter, readers - he who owns and runs the Barber Shop on the main road through Boreham - on the left just after the Lion Inn. So, if you’re reading this, you have to be at least half-interested in scooters, don’t you?

So does anyone want to buy mine?

It’s crazy, but I’m just not using it and I’ve only done just shy of 1,000 miles on it since I bought it brand new.

OK, so it’s a Yamaha X-Max 400cc in black and it’s got a nice little backrest on it so that the pillion passenger doesn’t topple off.

It’s comfortable as you like and was first registered on 30/09/14 - so that’s an average of a whopping 500 miles per year.

You see, the trouble with me is that I can be a tad on the impulsive side at times.

Only serious offers considered (you need to check out the sort of price this age, make and model of scooter commands).

I have, so don’t try taking the p ss.

*

www.theedgemag.co.uk

Sad news that, hot on the heels of Victoria Wood, Caroline Aherne also passed away last month.

The Edge loved mock chatshow host Mrs Merton (the female Alan Partridge) and The Royle Family, both series being incredibly unconventional when first aired.

I’m not sure whether all of you southern readers fully appreciate that The Royle Family truly depicted a lower-class Lancashire family home perfectly - only just trust your editor on this one, because he bloody well knows for certain.

During the nineties Aherne apparently suffered with both depression and alcoholism and isn’t it sad/weird how this often seems to be a common trait amongst those who make us laugh the most.

She died on your editor’s birthday at the tender age of 52, which means I have outlived her by three years already.

My favourite Mrs Merton quote has got to be when she asked George Best, ”Do you think all that running you used to do is the reason why you were always so thirsty?”

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Nearly half of middle-aged British men are far too fond of their ale, downing an average of 16 pints of beer a week, experts have warned.

My, my, my, readers - that’s a couple of pints per day Monday to Friday, an outlandish four on Saturday, and another couple of a Sunday lunchtime. Dear-oh-dear, whatever next?

These disgusting 44% of men are aged between 45-65 and are risking their health by drinking more than the recommended limit of 14 units a week - which equates to about 6 measly pints.

Knocking back 16 pints in a week constitutes 37 units a week - more than two and a half times the recommended limit.

However, it gets worse, for one in ten men about 800,000 - drink at least 50 units,

which is equal to 21 pints (OMG - three pints of beer per day every day of the week).

Overall, 3.5million middle-aged men are regularly downing way too much beer, according to the charity Drinkaware (which should have been called Supaware - get it?).

Doctors say that middle-aged men who drink regularly are somewhat akin to a HTB (health time bomb), whilst polling of such chaps reveals that 53% of them do not even believe such advice and figure drinking will do no such harm to their health.

The report suggests that middle-aged men are Britain’s most problematic drinkers, while today’s youngsters are apparently drinking less - although they do tend to binge drink at weekends rather than spreading the load.

Women, the report says, are far more sensible and consume around 10 units per week.

Women really do waddle like penguins when they are pregnant, right riveting new research has recently revealed. After filming various states of pregnancy, scientists have found that a ‘baby bump’ changes a woman’s gait from as early as three months. In fact, even during the very first trimester, they found a pregnant woman’s centre-of-mass (after all, it’s kind of like a beer belly) was further forward, thus they tended to lean backwards whilst standing and bent their hips less while waddling - sorry, walking. This all new combo often caused new mums-to-be in particular to lose balance more frequently. And get this, readers: an expectant mother has exactly the same risk of falling over as a 70-year-old biddy.

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The Edge 238_The Edge 172.qxd 21/07/2016 16:01 Page 7

HAPPY PIGS OINK MORE!

It’s true, readers, they do. And there’s definitely far more to a pig’s oink than meets the untrained ear. They’re not just all about gravy and a liberal dollop of apple sauce, you know. Happy piggies make more noise than grumpy ones and that’s a trotting fact.

It has also emerged that pigs with curious temperaments are more likely to grunt and squeal than their less inquisitive pals.

SPS (special pig scientists) studied 72 male and female juvenile pigs in a PS (pig study). Half were placed in spacious, ‘enriched’ pens with comfy straw bedding, whilst the others were placed in compact ‘barren’ pens with partially slatted concrete floors (in accordance with British welfare standards). In order to test each pigs personality, they were individually placed in a pen for five minutes with a couple of unfamiliar objects - namely a large white bucket and an orange and white traffic cone (obviously).

Their grunts and behaviour were then logged, as you do, while the test was repeated a fortnight later to see if they acted in the same manner.

Pigs with more ‘proactive’ personalities - i.e. those keener to explore their immediate environment - grunted more than purely ‘reactive’ pigs.

The study also revealed that the boars that were kept in lower-quality conditions made far fewer grunts and oinks.

Of course, The Edge already knew all of this due to it’s friendship with pig farmer and sometime cattle rustler Bernard the Butcher who has spent so very long with oinkers in his career that he is now starting to develop hairy earlugs himself. Oh, and he also squeals a fair bit too.

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The Edge 238_The Edge 172.qxd 21/07/2016 16:21 Page 8

CITIZEN Citizen’s All Time Favourite Films - Part Two - 1980 to the present day

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What’s this all about?

See page 19 Page 8

385.7&9.43 +47 9-*Citizen Last September, .9.?*3 (?)

(41:23 (&3to its treated you all (42* .3selection 2&3> <&>8 all-time of 10 &3) >4: 3**) 94 from +.3) .9 favourite movies <-*7*;*7 (&3 "4 the thirties>4: through to 9-.8 *3) .9.?*3 -&8 94 the end of the seventies (43+*88 9-&9 9-.8 and, at the same time, 2439-D8 5.*(* 4<*8 .98 promised to deliver its 47.,.3 94 & ;.8.9 94 9-* eighties the$*89 present :7.3&18 .3to9-* day list at a future date. !9&3) &9 58<.(- "4<3 Citizen now realises, of 449'&11 1:' course, that such is an impossible and probably the 4< '*+47* 7*&)*78 )7&< 9-*.7 4<3task (43(1:8.438 9-48* most subjective has ever in,9-* for ,*398 to put it <-4 &99*3) &3> thing 854798it ;*3:* <.11indulged 034< 9-&9 simply, person’s film is another’s pet hate.

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3*88actors, both called Tom, also feature heavily here.

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9:73 &9 -&1+ 9.2* Cruise in Top+47 Gun About the <&8 U.S.(4251*9*1> Navy’s fight).++*7*39program 9 <&8 +47 & 9&=. &55 )4<314&)&'1* 5*7of er-pilot based in San Diego - adopted':9 home -&58 349 &9 9-&9Steve *=&(9 Ward.

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3) 349 /:89as&3> wife visited city last472&9 November and, well9&=. as &55 dining ':9 & '1&(0 (&' 9&=. &55 9-&9 .22*).&9*1> 897:(0 .9.?*3 with Steve, had a drink in the Kansas City Barbecue &8 9-* +.789 97:1> 548.9.;* +.,-9 '&(0 .9 -&) 8**3 '> 9-* where the sleazy bar scene featuring Goose (Anthony 97&).9.43&1 &(03*> &77.&,* '7.,&)* &,&.389 9-* ,74< Edwards) at the piano was filmed (except the building .3, 57*8*3(* 4+ #'*7 was by fire in June reopened 5 months 4<gutted .+ .9.?*3 <-4 -&8 &2008 57.39 and 2*).& &3) &);*79.8.3, later perfectly recreated). '&(0,74:3) -&8 &3> 7*8*7;&9.438 &'4:9 ,*398 1&;&947> In Mrs 1&).*8 Citizen43*8 would have forgiven your &)8ninth &3)place, 5488.'1> 944not&19-4:,+47 4';.4:8 scribe if Pretty Woman (1990) had not been included.

7*&8438 .9D8 349 '**3 .3 & 548.9.43 94 7*8*&7(- 9-*8* It’s A terrific, ultimately feel.9D8 her 9-&9most 9-*> watched )4 9*3) 94film.

(7&2 +&7 944and 2:((45> .394 9-* good, picture starring Richard businessman 9*=9 &3) 9-* (425&3> 3&2*8 Gere 5-43*as3:2'*78 &3) Edward seeking 349 of directions from hooker <*'8.9* Lewis )*9&.18whose &7* 4';.4:81> *&8.1> 2*247&'1* Vivian Roberts), in miniscule skirt94and 3 49-*7(Julia 14(&9.438 .9 .8 clad 4+ (4:78* 5488.'1* :8* PVC 43*8 thigh-boots, literally residence !2&795-43*results 94 9&0*in&her 5-494 4+ 9-*taking &) 94up 7*+*7 94 1&9*7 in his much*3;.7432*39 to the bemusement of the ':9 luxury .3 9-.8 hotel, 5&79.(:1&7 9&0.3, 4:9 43*D8 24'.1* d,5-43* .3 by (&2*7& 24)* <4:1) 3*.9-*7 &);.8 maître played the splendid Hector'*Elizondo. &'1* Cruise 347 )*8.7&'1* 47 9-.8in7*&843 .9.?*3 (&3349 Tom features again my eighth choice Rain 7*(&11(1988) 9-* 3&2* 4+ 9-* Dustin 9&=. &55Hoffman, &3) 9-*7* :3+479:3&9*1> Man alongside who Citizen -&83D9 '**3in&last -42* 2&9(8.3(*while :9 pointing .9 (*79&.31> applauded year’s column out<&8 that *=(1:8.;*1> +47was 97&).9.43&1 #'*7his his best work behind 1.(*38*) him. This9&=.8 film is<-.(perhaps .83D9great appearance, delivering an Oscar winning perlast 47 9-* :3.3.9.&9*) #'*7savant .8 & 7*;41:9.43&7> &55 9-&9 formance as the autistic Raymond, initially 47.,.3&9*)but .3 !&3 7&3(.8(4 +47 14(&9.3, 3*&7*89 exploited ultimately befriended by his9-* street-smart 2.3.(&' &3) *1*(9743.(&11> -&.1.3, .9 -&;.3, &,7**) 9-* younger brother Charlie Babbitt (Cruise). +&7* being a Citizen column, there simply has to be a This 49 8:757.8.3,1> 9&=. )7.;*78 -&9* considera.9 &8 .9 .8 Bond film, and in 97&).9.43&1 seventh place, after much (1*&71> & (-&11*3,* .+ 349 & 9-7*&9 94 9-* <&> 9-*> )4 tion, Daniel Craig’s first outing in Casino Royale (2006) 9-*.7 ':8.3*88 '49- 43 9-* 9&=. 7&308 47 '> '*.3, -&.1*) gets the nod over Skyfall or Spectre - and definitely .3 9-* 897**9 '49- 4+ <-.(- &7* 9-* *=(1:8.;* 57*8*7;* ahead of the ultimately disappointing Pierce Brosnan 4+ <-&9 &7* 034<3 .3 9-* # &8 &(03*> &77.&,*8 47 era.

‘CR’ really did reboot 842*9.2*8 43)43 "&=.8 the franchise with its harder edge and terrific action to forget9-*the/&22.3, gor"-*7* -&;* '**3 -:,* scenes 5749*898- not .3(1:).3, geous Green, one .3of 2&3> the three best Bond.3(1:).3, girls ever.

4+ (.9> Eva (*397* 897**98 2&/47 (.9.*8 Richard masterpiece Best Picture 43)43 Attenborough’s &7.8 &3) "474394 &8 )7.;*78and 4+ 9-48* 97&).9.43 Oscar winner(&'8 Ghandi (1982) has >*114< to be in47any list from1.; &1 1&3)2&70 '* 9-*> '1&(0 <-&9*;*7 this of movies Citizen places94it89*2 sixth,9-*although *7> &era (.9.*8 +&9-*78and ).(9&9* &99*259 +14< 4+ it should probably be higher.

Anyone&3) seeing #'*7 &3) C5*78:&)*D (.9> (4:3(.18 49-*7it now 14(&1would 1.(*38 assume that the94crowd scene of Mahatma Gandhi’s+47 .3, &:9-47.9.*8 C4:91&<D 9-* #'*7 &55 "7&385479 funeral closes the film was CGI generat43)43that -&8opens 7.,-91>and 7*8.89*) 9-.8 ed, but#no,9-*7* these-&;* were'**3 real live crowd51:8 scenes with what 3 9-* 5749*898 9-* &99*3)&39 (.9> (*397* .3 &3(-*89*7 1&8,4< must be one'14(0&,*8 of the biggest casts of extras of all&3) time.

49-*7 2&/47 #3.9* Talking of big(.9.*8 casts,#38:757.8.3,1> the ensemble 5*7-&58 company 9-* of famous #3.43 .8 &184 .3;41;*)reads like a directory of the great actors and actresses 9 9-* C 34<1*),*D and the8&2* good9.2* from 9-* the 97&).9.43&1 eighties, with a number9*89 of cameo <-*7*'> 57485*(9.;* ,4 9-4:,&3like appearances also from43)43 stars of(&''.*8 the David Lean era *=-&:89.;* 97.&1Trevor '> 245*) <.9-lined -&3)1* '&7 24:39*) John Mills and Howard up alongside more

(1.5'4&7) 94 2*247.8* 4'8(:7* 74:9*8 contemporary stars including4+9*3 Edward Fox, Ian 9-74:,-4:9and 4:7 the (&5.9&1 .8 9-7*&9*3*) '> 9-* :3.;*78&1 Charleson superb Martin Sheen (whose &);*39 4+ Bartlett 9-* 8&93&; President from the West Wing was many peo!4 >4:D) .2&,.3* .9D8 349 ,7*&9 9.2* & 9&=. ple’s choice to be the real&president in 94 the'*days of )7.;*7 <-&9 <.924)*1 9-7*&9*3*) George W >4:7 Bush)':8.3*88 and all topped by a stand '> out9*(-3414 Best ,> 349 431> 43 43* +7439 ':9 43 9<4 +74398 &3) .9.?*3 Actor Oscar winning performance from Ben Kingsley -&8 *;*7> 8>25&9-> &8 4:7 (&''.*8 &7* 9-* 8&19 4+ 9-* who not only looked like Gandhi, but really seemed to *&79- *=(*11*391> 034<1*),*&'1* )7.;*78 &3) :8:&11> become him on screen. ,7*&9 7&(439*:78 944 Tom Hanks9-* could feature a list of top 10.9.?*3 movies 4<*;*7 ,7*&9well #'*7 89&3)in4++ 7*2.3)8 4+ on his own, but sadly Citizen has to limit his presence 9-* 8.9:&9.43 .3 9-* *&71> *.,-9.*8 <-*3 9-* 57.39 :3.438 here two, 9-* one.3974):(9.43 of which, in&3) fifth :8* place, is Saving 97.*) to 94 just 57*;*39 4+ 3*< 9*(-341 Private Ryan (1998), the first of our Spielberg trilogy.

4,> 94 7*51&(* 9-* 41) 97&).9.43&1 C-49 2*9&1D 574):(9.43 With its brutal, and still hard to watch, Omaha Beach 2*9-4)8 landing scene,&3) this49-*7 film sees Hanks<470*78 leading.3a 9-&9 small.3):8 42548.9478 97&).9.43&1 party of US marines find and the sole surviv97> <*7* 80.11*) ,:>8to8*7;.3, :5rescue 94 & >*&7 .3)*39:7*) son of Mr & <.9Mrs 9-* Ryan whose offspring have been&3) ing &557*39.(*8-.5 &'.1.9> 94 7*&) :58.)* )4<3 decimated by the The truly4+emotional '&(0 94 +7439 &3)war.

24;* 1.3*8 2*9&1 9>5*ending -*3(*hardly C1.34 leaves a dry eye in the cinema - a feature of all of 3 9>5*D &74:3) 94 574):(* & 5*7+*(91> 1&.) 4:9 5&,* +&(9 +47 )*).(&9.43 9-*.7 (7&+9 <&8 the 2:(1.0*with 9-*my Spielberg’s serious 94 movies - as is.9 also case (&''>D8 two 034<1*),* number selection9*89 later in this column.

7.39 :3.438 (2007), 8:(- &8albeit 9-* with 1&.)

8.*,*performances 94 9-* 3*< Atonement splendid ".2*8Keira 51&39Knightly &9 $&55.3, ):7.3, McAvoy, <-.(- 9.2* 3*<85& from and James is in9-*fourth 5*7 <&8 349 5:'1.8-*) +47its&74:3) .3 place, mainly because of stunning 2439-8 cinematography 9 4((:77*) 94 .9.?*3 &9 9-* 9.2*nomination 4+ 9-* 5749*89 &3) that won a well-deserved Oscar for Seamus 43(* &,&.3yet <.9-didn’t 94)&>win.

8 )*243897&9.438 &,&.389 #'*7in McGarvey, A story of the class divides 9-&9 .3,thirties &3:9* -.28*1+ 43 & 9-743* 43 9-* '&308 4+ pre-war with a shocking false accusation by an 9-* "-&2*8 &9 4(01&3)8 )*2&3).3, 9-&9against 9-* 7.;*7 upper class family’s 13-year-old daughter +14<8 .3 the 9-* son 45548.9* <4:1) :19.2&9*1> Robbie, of the).7*(9.43 family gardener, that spins-&;* off &8 2:(into the*++*(9 war itself. The stunning continuous single shot ;*39:&11> &3) .3*;.9&'1> 9-* 3*< 57*88*8 7411*) &3) panoramic scene that circles around the evacuation site 3*< 9*(-3414,> <&8 &)459*) 9-74:,-4:9 9-* .3):897> at Dunkirk and follows the fortunes of Robbie certainly &8 .8 &1<&>8 9-* (&8* '*(&:8* >4: 8.251> (&3349 :3.3 did it for Citizen! The equally stunning panoramic open;*39 842*9-.3, 43(* .9D8 9-*7* ing of Spectre, with the camera following Bond 47 scene 9-* 57.39 .3):897> 9-74:,-4:9 9-* 1&9* D8 &3) 9-* from the Mexican ‘Festival of the Dead’ into a building *&71> D8 .9 85:73*) '.,,*7 &3) '*99*7 3*<85&5*78 &3) and for an mission, was *;*3onto 8&<the 9-*roof 1&:3(4+ assassination 3*< 3&9.43&1 9.91*8 "4)&> equally impressive and almost earned that movie the 8&)1> 34 143,*7 <.9- :8 &3) "-* 3)*5*3)*39 9-&9 007 slot.8&)1> (148*8 &8 & 57.39 *).9.43 43 9*;*3film 247* Every needs adventure film and it’s a &7(-list5&791> &8 a& rip-roaring 7*8:19 4+ +:79-*7 9*(-3414,.(&1 genre that Spielberg does splendidly.3with Indiana &);&3(*8 ;*3 3*<*7 9*(-3414,> 9-* his +472 4+ 9-* Jones starring Harrison Ford.<.9Therefore third 4+ .39*73*9movies, -&8 .25&(9*) 43 7*;*3:*8 & 2.,7&9.43 place in Citizen’s goes to7*(7:.92*39 the first of these, Raiders (1&88.+.*) &3) .3 list 5&79.(:1&7 &3) 5745*79> of the Lost Ark (1981) now retitled to <.9match the &);*79.8.3, 94 <*'8.9*8 &3) often 43 7*&)*78-.5 431.3* 2*&38three 4+ 3*<8 other films)*1.;*7> with an ‘Indiana Jones and the...’ prefix.

31.,-9*3*) 5:'1.8-*78 +47shoots *=&251* ".2*8dervish &3) The scene where Dr Jones the9-* whirling &.1> &.1 &3) 4<3*78 14(&1came 9.91*8about .3(1:).3, '49swordsman is a9-* classic and4+only because 9-* 88*=Ford-743.(1* &3) -*128+47) $**01> &11 Harrison was suffering from diarrhoea and *<8 needed 8&< <-&9 <&8 -&55*3.3, &3) &)&59*) to shorten the scene as nature called. 94 8:7;.;* 574 ):(.3, *=(*11*39 431.3* *).9.438 9-*.7is57.39 In second place, the most recent&143,8.)* of this batch another 4++*7.3,8 3) 9-.8collaboration, .8 9-* 0*> &)&59 94 8:7;.;* Spielberg/Hanks the superb Bridge Of "-.8 <&8 <-> This .9.?*38 &9 58<.(Spies (2015). has ;.8.9 one 94 of 9-* the :7.3&1 finest screen perform"4<3 <&8 7*1.*+Supporting .3 247* <&>8 43*Winner &8 .9 ances ever43* from4+Best Actor9-&3 Oscar ).8(4;*7*) 9-&9as97&).9.43&1 9&=. )7.;*78 &184Russian -&) 9-* Spy Mark Rylance the New York embedded 455479:3.9> &)&59 34< -&) in 9-*.7 94 Rudolf Abel,94who was&3) exchanged, this4<3 real&558 life story, (425*9* <.9- 9-* .3. &' )7.;*3 #'*7 at the height of the Cold War in 1962 for the captured !:'8*6:*39 44,1* 7*8*&7(- -&8 8-4<3 9-&9 9-*7* &7* American U2 Spy Plane pilot Gary Powers. &9 1*&89 9<4 (425*9.3, &(03*> &77.&,* C-&.1.3,D &558 With respect to last year’s Best Supporting Actor C *99D (4;*7.3, (.9.*8 8:(- &8 43)43 1&8,4< Winner, Simmons for ‘Whiplash’, **)8 J.K. .72.3,-&2 &3) *< %470 &3)perhaps C &.14D the 9-&9finest winning performance in this category, before Mark ).9(-*) .98 57.;&9* -.7* &85*(9 &3) 7*9:73*) 94 9-* C5:7.

Rylance, came (&'8 from 1&89 Jack Nicholson, who only had limit9>D 4+ '1&(0 (94'*7 ed.9.?*3 screen time as Colonel Nathan R. Jessop the .8 (43+.)*39 9-&9 '1&(0 (&'8 &3) 9-*.7 in (-**7> superb Good9-* Men (1992), first 7*.3;*39 place. Starring )7.;*78 A <.11Few <*&9-*7 #'*7 89472in &3) 9-*.7 Tom Cruise as US&8Navy Lt. -&;* Daniel-&) Kaffee 24):8 45*7&3).

49-*7Attorney .3):897.*8 94 )4 .3 investigating a suspicious death at the US base at 9-* ,74<.3, +&(* 4+ 9*(-3414,> Guantanamo Cuba.

“You can’t handle truth!” <.11 4<*;*7 .9 .8in349 &8 (43+.)*39 9-&9 C"-* the 34<1*),*D screams Jessop, in one(41:23.89 of cinemas-.1.5 most411.38 memorable 8:7;.;* &8 9-* ".2*8 <749* scenes ever. also best ever per7*+*77.3, 94 .9Demi .3 -.8Moore (41:23 43gives 9- her *'7:&7> A 9-* 80.11 .8 7*):3)&39 "-* 34<1*),* formance, in my humble opinion. 9&0*8 9-7** >*&78 &3)that’s & 8&93&; <.9-with &3 no &334>.3, ;4.(* )4 .9 .3 8*( So the list room, but only(&3 honourable men43)8 for "-*Quentin 9&=. )7.;*78 &7* -&;.3, 1&:,- B (1994) or tions, Tarrantino’s ‘Pulp& Fiction’ .3&11> 9-* 3*=9 9.2*(2012).

58<.(-Disagree &7* &9 -42* ‘Django Unchained’ with the.9.?*3 list if <.11 you -&;*but 94 (-*(0 9-*columnist 3&2* 4+ 9-&9 &55 94brave (43+.72 9-&9 like, at least4:9 your has been enough .9 944 <&83D9it, -&;.3, & 1&:,47 *;*3 to compile and yes, I can handle the9&0.3, truth! 9-* 5.88 The Edge 01245 348256

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Cycle for Life

10% your fi off rst Quote order. re TMG1 f.

Registration is now open for the 20th Cycle for Life in aid of Farleigh Hospice. Taking place on Sunday 18th September, cyclists can choose between three routes, all of which go through the beautiful Essex countryside.

The 20km route is ideal for beginners and families, whilst the 50km and 100km routes offer a bit more of a challenge. All participants will get a medal, a water bottle, certificate and fundraising guide. To celebrate the event’s 20th anniversary, you can also purchase a limited edition cycling jersey to wear on the day (pictured).

TM Graphics offers creative solutions specific to you, taking your ideas from conception and crafting them into something remarkable. Whether you're looking for new branding, a new website, a new logo or any printed marketing material.

TM Graphics offers you a bespoke service at affordable prices!

The event is generously supported by Top 20 accountancy firm MHA MacIntyre Hudson, who have been sponsoring the bike ride for the past 11 years. Last year, hundreds of cyclists set out on the 20, 50 and 100km routes through the Essex countryside, raising an incredible £50,833 for Farleigh Hospice. We rely on riders raising as much money as possible to enable us to care for people in mid Essex affected by life limiting illness. The money raised by cyclists helps us offer physical, emotional, social and spiritual support to around 1,400 people at any one time, totally free of charge.

All routes start and end at Farleigh Hospice in Broomfield. The 100km route goes out through the Rodings, up to Takeley, round to Finchingfield, down through Shalford and Felsted, then through Great Waltham and back once again to Farleigh. The 50km route goes out through the Rodings, down to High Easter, through Pleshey and down through Great Waltham and back to Farleigh. The 20km route goes through Great Waltham, turns right before Mashbury, round to Pleshey and back through Howe Street and Great Waltham to Farleigh.

~ Newsletters ~ Branding

To sign up and for more information, please visit farleighhospice.org/cycleforlife, or contact our Events team on 01245 457355 or email events@farleighhospice.org.

07976 617534

e f l o c r y r e s v C Anni ary • Li

terrymartin1@mac.com

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20k 20km 20 0km km • 50km 50k 50 50k km m 10 100 00k 0k km m ro rroutes o ou utte u tes 100km Siiig Sig SSign ign g gn n up up tto today! od od oda da ay ay! y!

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This event generously event is gener ously supported supported by by local accountants accountants

Registered Registered charity no 284670 www.theedgemag.co.uk

Page 9

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THE HAIRY MONSTER STREET ART I'm a bit of pleb when it comes to sophisticated stuff, so can someone please define 'street art' for me? I can't understand why that Banksy fella gets shitloads of praise from cultured luvies for his paintings on walls and buildings, yet when my mate painted a giant penis on his next door neighbour's garage, all he got was 60 hours community service.

JIGSAW PUZZLE I would like to take this opportunity to apologise to my darling granddaughter for doubting her word about the complexity of her jigsaw puzzle. Indy, you were right, there are a million thousand hundred pieces and not forty, as I wrongly stated. Now will you please tell grandad where you hid the TV remote?

BAD SPIRITS

ARE YOU FIT FOR SUMMER? DNA Group Fit a fun fuelled fitness solution

It was my intention to ride my Triumph 800XC motorbike through France and Spain and take the ferry to Tanger-Med in Morocco last month.

Unfortunately, Mother Nature had other ideas and the prospect of a 1400 mile ride through torrential rain and unseasonal sleet, hail and near tornado winds, prompted me to seek out an alternative mode of travel. Scrolling through various travel websites, I found cheap flights to Morocco, reasonably priced hotels and a motorcycle hire company.

And so it was that I arrived at Marrakech Airport on a scorching hot morning, armed only with the bare essentials; a full-face helmet, summer riding gloves and a bottle of Smirnoff (alcohol is very expensive in Morocco and not readily available). It was a 15 minute taxi ride into Marrakech city centre where I collected my Honda trail bike. Since hiring a Harley Davidson with a dangerously loose chain and no rear light in Cyprus a few years back, I no longer trust hire companies, so I gave the bike a complete check-over. All was OK, so I set off on the near deserted road to Casablanca. I had pre-booked a room at a complex on the main drag, halfway between Marrakech and Casablanca, and arrived there during the deadly heat of the afternoon. There must have been a hundred or more chalets, but I appeared to be one of only a handful of guests. It seems the Moroccan Tourist Agency had wildly misjudged the desirability of a holiday complex in the middle of a scorched desert and, according to a member of staff, there had never been more than twenty guests there at any one time. My chalet was on the edge of the complex and after a light meal at the almost deserted restaurant, I decided to walk into the wild beyond.

After ten minutes I was exhausted - it had been a long, hot day - so I turned back. As I approached my chalet I could see a tiny figure sitting on the porch outside. As I reached the porch, an ancient, wrinkled man stood up, all four foot six of him, with a hunchback and wearing the traditional North African full length, hooded djellaba. He bowed gracefully and, in perfect English, welcomed me to his country. He warned me that 'bad spirits' roamed the desert at night, but he could protect me from them in return for a small gratuity and held out his hand. I only had a few coins left over from my fuel purchase, so I gave them to him. He thanked me a little too profusely and I wished him well before crashing out in my air-conditioned room. I slept soundly and woke at 6:00am and was showered and dressed by 6.30am, ready for the day ahead. I then got the shock of my life when I opened the door to leave, for there, sitting on the porch, was the little man.

He stood up, smiled a toothless grin, and said, “I'm pleased you had a safe night. My work is now done.” Then off he shuffled towards the desert.

The sun was shining, the aroma of fresh Moroccan coffee wafted from the restaurant, and the motorbike had a full tank. The day ahead was looking good already.

To be continued...

CRINGEWORTHY

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I've always thought that Johnny Depp is over-rated as an actor, so it was no surprise that his performance (and that of his now ex-wife) on Australian television a few weeks back was cringeworthy in its insincerity.

Having failed to inform Australian Customs about the arrival of their two pet dogs, in accordance with the country's border controls, which could have resulted in them (the dogs, that is, and sadly not Mr & Mrs Depp) being euthanized, the couple were forced to publicly apologise for breaching quarantine regulations. Their performances were so wooden that I think the director should have demanded a second-take, held guns to their pooches' heads and said, “Now let's try that once more, shall we?” I definitely reckon the second apology would have been much more convincing. Then, just to ensure they didn't try smuggling the dogs into Australia again, pull the triggers.

The Edge 01245 348256

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Make sure you sleep starkers

It’s a dog’s life

for well-behaved dogs

modern, kind and effective training methods

behavioural problems

When the temperature rises on a hot summer’s night, many of us strip off and sleep naked in bed in order to help keep ourselves cool.

However, this could be doing us far more harm than good, with scientists suggesting that sleeping in our kets/shreddies/pants could lead to a whole host of health problems.

Constricting underwear is believed to affect the body’s ability to regulate temperature and hygiene between fabric and skin, creating problems including irritation and infection.

In fact, some doctor chappy at the Institute for Men’s Health has warned that men who sleep in boxers or briefs can even end up compromising their fertility, insisting: “Your nether regions need to be just the right temperature to optimise sperm production.”

Meanwhile, a fertility expert says: “It is far better to strip off completely at night in order to let your groin ‘breathe’. I often tell my patients to sleep without underwear because if the area is constantly covered, especially by a fabric that is not moisture-wicking (“I’d like to purchase a pair of moisturewicking pants, please?) or absorbent, then moisture collects and creates the perfect breading ground for both bacteria and yeast.”

In extreme cases this could lead to chafing, irritation and infections, with problems potentially becoming acute where women suffering hot flushes during the menopause are concerned.

If you simply must wear clothing in bed, the looser the better and for women in particular, it’s an ideal time to break out with the granny panties.

Previous studies have shown that sleeping in the nude also lowers blood pressure significantly.

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other services dog walking dog sitting vet taxi special rates for rescue dogs for more information please contact Penny on 07711 018804 penny.itsadogslife@gmail.com or visit our www.itsadogslife-essex.co.uk

Page 11

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The Smokehouse, Maldon.

This poster is circa 1919, but SERIOUSLY... wouldn’t you simply CARRY ON DRINKING? Woodley’s Pizzas

5pm-8pm

FRIDAY 12th AUG. Village Hall car-park, South Street, Great Waltham.

This is what you call true rustic charm.

I’d never even heard of The Smokehouse, whilst the owners themselves admit, “We must say, we are pleasantly surprised at just how popular we’ve become in such a short space of time.”

But how could it have ever failed?

Riverside setting, tucked away off Market Hill, right at the end of Cromwell Lane...

I spotted someone I knew (by complete accident) in a photograph on Facecock, saying she was drinking prosecco and eating seafood right beside the Blackwater in Maldon...and that’s how The Edge found out about The Smokehouse.

So one Sunday morning, me and the wife saddled up and rode our bicycles over to Maldon and were sat outside, waiting for them to open, fully half-an-hour before they were due to.

Bless them for bringing us a menu to peruse at 11:45am though, whilst Mrs Edge had already made a start on her chilled white wine (The Smokehouse respectfully invite their guests to bring their own alcohol - we did in a cool bag - whilst they provide the glasses).

I opted for the Seafood Overboard which consisted of smoked salmon (which I must admit I adore), peppered mackerel (which bears no resemblance to the pre-packed variety in supermarkets), smoked prawns, crayfish tails, peeled prawns and smoked king crevettes for £15.50.

Meanwhile Mrs Edge chose the Dressed Crab from their specials board for £14.50 and we also ordered a side of garlic new potatoes for £3.95 and their truly delicious bread bucket for an additional £1.95.

As you can see (below), the presentation was simple, rustic, yet magnificent, and it was a pure joy to get stuck in as we were pretty peckish after our cycle.

We’ve already told a couple of our fishy friends (well, not everyone likes seafood, do they?) about it and we can’t wait to pay The Smokehouse another visit again real soon. And if seafood isn’t your bag, they also offer some locally sourced smoked and cured meat platters.

Next time I think I might just plump for a Mug of Prawns and some fresh oysters (as well as the new pots and bread, of course).

The Smokehouse is open Wednesdays & Thursdays from 12-noon to 5pm and from 12 - 6pm on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays (closed Mondays and Tuesdays). They are also closed mid-January to early March.

Fact is, it tastes as fresh as fresh can be and I honestly thought you only ever stumbled across places like this when you’re away on your ’olidays.

How splendidly wrong can you be.

What’s all this about? See page 19 Page 12

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For feck’s sake, it’s only August, Robin!

Barista already thinking about Christmas The Edge was wondering which of its advertisers would be the first to mention the C-word this year and that distinction proudly goes to Duke Street’s Barista, situated 100m from Chelmsford rail station (see their advert below).

Personally, your editor can’t think of anything worse than contemplating Crimbo in the summertime, but with only around 110 days left to go until the majority of us stuff our faces with that very first forkful of overcooked dry white meat, I guess there are those amongst you who always like to plan ahead - be that as it may almost five fecking months ahead.

I can’t wait (NOT).

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Internet Porn Filters Did you read the one about one of former PM David Cameron’s most trusted aides, who advised him on such matters as internet porn filters, was himself discovered having a stash of indecent images of young girls on his iPad, a court heard recently.

This chap was apparently a key member of Dave’s inner circle, was involved with drawing up government policy on tackling internet porn, and there he is, caught with his pants down and over 20 images stored for his very own pervication.

Naturally he has since resigned from his post at Whitehall, but this sort of thing surely beggars belief.

Perhaps it should be noted that such pictures were freely available on the internet (which is hardly in his favour when you consider what is out there) of girls aged 10-16, but were not strictly indecent.

However, when the minister was photographed in the national press recently, he did have the misfortune to be sporting a beige knee-length ‘flasher’ mac.

Meanwhile, his defending QC compared his stash to no more than those pictures found in your every day swimwear catalogue.

Hey, so why did he feel the need to resign then?

Tut.

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Stay-at-home Mum’s have happiest ‘jobs’

Excuses, excuses, excuses A third of Brits believe they have become ill by not preparing for the weather properly, whilst many say they’ve been laid so low that they’ve had to take time off work, the lazy skanks.

Amazingly some 34% of men and women surveyed blamed their ill-health on being caught out by the weather. Many said they’d become sick after not wrapping up warmly enough in the winter, whilst others have often blamed a cold or a chill on venturing outdoors without a brolly.

Who on earth conducts surveys like this?

Even decent weather was deemed to be bad for some people’s health, with sunburn the cause of particular misery, causing 25% of those affected to take almost a week off work.

What a joke. What a work-shy nation we truly are. These figures come from a poll of 2,000 adults to mark the launch of a weather app for hay fever sufferers, 11% of whom said their symptoms were so severe that they were sometimes forced to take time off work (missing an average of 8.4 working days a year).

The chap who’s head of the public weather service for the Met Office says, “Hay fever can be crippling for those who suffer from it, but it is often overlooked.”

Other recent research for the Met Office found that more than half of us secretly hope Bank Holiday weekends are a washout so that we have an excuse to laze around the house in our PJ’s watching movies all day long, instead of actually doing anything constructive (here, here).

The poll also found that 42% of us have used bad weather as an excuse not to attend a social event, with 26% of us using it as a excuse to dodge meeting up with friends.

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Confirmation of what many weary commuters have often suspected has recently be provided in research that strongly indicates that stay-at-home mums are much happier than those mothers who hold down jobs.

The survey concluded that if staying at home with the kids was counted as a profession, it would rank as having the happiest workers of any trade (including whistling painters who tend to simply put a brave face on matters), which somewhat confuses The Edge, due to it seeing numerous women in Asda seemingly stressed out to the eyeballs with their lot, whilst screaming uncontrollably at their sprogs.

Only one-in-seven stay-at-home parents say they are dissatisfied with their lot, which is a level of unhappiness that is less than half that found among civil servants or salesmen, or working women in general.

The survey, commissioned by an insurance company, asked more than 3,000 people whether or not they were satisfied with their lives.

The UKs two million stay-at-home parents - the greater majority of them obviously being mums - were recorded in the report as viewing themselves as ‘homemakers’.

The least happiest of workers appear to be those working in marketing, advertising and public relations, with a HR (happiness rating) of just 53.8%. Other professions scraping the barrel in the barrel-of-laughs stakes were said to be police (and security) officers and shop workers.

The report also concluded that ‘homemakers’ work almost double-thehours that many folk envisage, whilst the vast majority of stay-at-home mums figure their lives are far more worthwhile and rewarding than their counterparts who go out to work.

Government stats have also revealed that more than a third of mothers who go to work would like to give up their jobs in preference of staying at home with their children and colouring-in with crayons all day long.

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CODEC communications

Our new Foreign Secretary Boris on Hilary Clinton “She’s got dyed blonde hair, pouty lips and a steely blue stare; a bit like a sadistic nurse in a mental hospital.”

On Donald Trump

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The Chinese “We do not need to fear them. China will not dominate the globe. We do not need to teach our babies Mandarin. Compared with the old British Empire and the new American imperium, Chinese cultural influence is virtually nil, and unlikely to increase.”

The EU “Napoleon, Hitler, various people have tried this out, and it always ends tragically. The EU is an attempt to do it by different means, that’s all.”

It is stressed that in his new role, Boris will also be minister for arranging lots and lots of embassy cocktail parties.

Having said all that, it is worth remembering that ‘Our Boris’ speaks four languages (inc. French and German), was born in New York, educated at the European school in Brussels before going on to Eton and Oxford.

BJ’s great-grandfather was Russian and his wife, Marina, is half-Indian.

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30th Anniversary of the Chelmer & Blackwater Ramblers Group

On Saturday 2nd July, almost 100 local ramblers met at Longmeads House, Writtle, to celebrate the 30th Anniversary of the Chelmer and Blackwater Ramblers. It was intended to be a garden party, but the inclement weather beforehand and the chilly evening failed to dampen the spirits and enjoyment of those gathered inside the Writtle Community Centre.

A.G. Smith (Butchers) of Boreham provided the Hog Roast which was followed by local strawberries and cream, and the inevitable cutting of the birthday cake.

Graham Hopkins, the 10th Chairman of the Group, welcomed all members and friends to the celebrations and introduced Wendy Moore, one of the Group’s founder

Page 16

members way back in July 1986. The late Kevin Ascott was Chairman of the first Executive Committee, which was set up during that summer to serve ramblers in the East/Central areas of Essex.

By the early 1990’s the C&B group were organising four walks per week with experienced leaders on Wednesdays, Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays, which still persists to this day, 52 weeks of the year. Distances are 10 - 12 miles a day and 5 - 6 miles for half days on Saturdays. The C&B Walks’ Programmes are linked to the Ramblers Association’s ‘Find A Walk’ on-line service.

Fridays are usually the Group’s most popular walking day when frequently in excess of 40 ramblers attend, whilst

Saturday afternoons are especially for members who prefer shorter walks and it is usual for new members to start with these. Although the majority of the walks are in central Essex, on some Sundays they take the opportunity to share cars to visit the outer areas and neighbouring counties.

Several times each year walks in London are organised and these have a special attraction, especially when the local fields are muddy and the footpaths are occasionally flooded.

As a further celebration of the Group’s 30 years, a series of special nostalgic walks on Friday 9th, Saturday 10th, Sunday 11th and Wednesday 14th September are also being planned.

For further details contact John Champ on (01376) 513646.

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George & Dragon, Mountnessing Here’s what’s already been said about the George & Dragon, not a million miles away from Chelmsford...

Bookatable A refurbished traditional English pub, The George & Dragon is an idyllic hideaway with a leafy patio for open air dining. Inside, floor-to-ceiling many-paned windows let natural light shine on colourful chairs and cushions, bread & vegetable displays, barrel-shaped bar tables, and crushedvelvet armchairs.

With chefs given the opportunity to train at cookery schools in Spain and Italy, The George & Dragon menu features modern signature recipes made using the finest available ingredients. As well as creative specials that change daily, favourites include king prawn, crab and chorizo linguine, or spit-roasted chicken with lemon & garlic confit. Meanwhile a kids’ menu and Sunday roasts also feature, alongside desserts such as rich vanilla and chocolate ice-cream with home-baked cookies.

The result of a treasured partnership with Rothschild wine merchants, the cellar showcases many fine wines, while token real ales and premium spirits also found at The George & Dragon bar. Nostalgic British nibbles and eclectic sharing platters bursting with international flavours also offer somewhat more laid back dining options.

AA Pub Guide Spruced-up in true contemporary pub style, the interior of this 18th-century former coaching inn successfully blends bold artwork, colourful leather chairs and chunky modern tables with preserved original wooden floors, exposed beams and brick fireplaces. In this relaxed and convivial setting you can tuck into Mediterranean-inspired British dishes from an extensive menu that should please all tastes and palates. There are sharing platters, salads, pasta dishes, stone-baked pizzas as well as main courses the likes of chicken, ham and crème fraîche pie and four-bone rack of English lamb, asparagus, chorizo, peas, baby onions, dauphinoise potatoes served in a delicious jus.

Gourmet Society Eating at The George and Dragon, a characterful country pub in the small village of Mountnessing, is akin to sitting in the best front room ever. Relax by the fire or unwind in the leafy garden with a pint of cask ale or well-

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chosen wine from the extensive list and dig into a plate of delicious, home-cooked pub grub. The menu is adapted to the best seasonal produce available, exemplified perfectly by the chefs daily specials. The variety of dishes ranges from traditional favourites such as sea bass fillets and homemade beef burgers to whole food salads, steaks and freshlyprepared pizzas. Pop in for a warm welcome and sumptuous food, perfect for both special occasions or simply a relaxing evening out.

Chef Inspiration Head Chef Stuart Jackson was recently crowned winner of Premium Country Pub’s Chef Inspiration contest, under the watchful eye of judge and top Italian chef and owner of London’s Sartoria restaurant, Francesco Mazzei. The masterclass was called ‘The Geometry of Pasta’ and Jackson’s winning creation was a dish of lamb, gnocchi and beetroot fondant. Martin Nelson, operations director of Premium Country Pubs, said, “All the chefs in the contest had a fantastic day and created some superb dishes. But there could only be one winner and we very much look forward to introducing Stuart’s dish to our menus at some point next year.”

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A right fishy tale This is brilliant.

Goldfish may have a fondness for swimming in circles (a fondness? Do they have any choice?) but scientists reckon they are actually capable of HFR (human face recognition).

OMG, how did they test ’em for that?

What’s more, in trials, goldfish were able to pick out a familiar face out of 44 unknown ones.

Y’see, what the boffins did, readers, was to ‘teach’ the fish to spit at one or two faces on a screen and they were then awarded titbits whenever they hit the jackpot.

In tests (yes, seriously) using black and white photographs, the fish often managed to choose the familiar face, with the brainiest fish spitting correctly 86% of the time.

A fish-flavoured doctor said, “I have noticed that when people walk into my laboratory of aquariums, the fish can get a little bit shy. But when I walk in, they always start spitting their little jets of water at me.”

The tests were carried out on archerfish because of their ability to ‘spit’ but nerds suspect goldfish have the same traits.

Page 18

Can tiny worm hold key for arthritis suferers?

This one interested your editor, readers, on account of the fact that I’ve had arthritis in my shoulder for a fair few years - and it was unfortunately a fair few years until the problem was successfully diagnosed - not that there’s seemingly a cure for it.

However, I was mildly interested to read that perhaps a tiny worm can help bring relief to millions of us chronic arthritis sufferers.

A study has found that the immune response triggered by infection with a particular parasite eases rheumatoid arthritis.

Around 40,000 of Brits suffer with rheumatoid arthritis, which occurs when our immune system attacks our joints by mistake. Our wrists, fingers, toes, ankles and knees are all particularly susceptible.

Those of us whose joints have been severely damaged can eventually undergo hip or knee replacement operations, although such new joints have a limited lifespan.

But when German researchers infected arthritisstricken mice with the worm, the creatures’ health improved; inflammation was cut and damage to cartilage remarkably reduced.

The research is at an early stage, but in future, scientists just might be able to create a drug which offers the same ‘calming effect’ on the joints as being infected by the worm.

Parasitic worms have already been used to successfully treat other illnesses in which the immune system turns on the body, including Crohn’s disease.

What’s more, it could offer a whole new meaning to the term ‘I’ve got worms’.

Would you be willing to give it a go, readers?

A bed’s a bed Concluding The Edge’s brief look at health this month, comes the tale about a hip-replacement patient who became the first in the country to be discharged from hospital on the same day as his operation. (Wow - they must have clearly been desperate for the bed.)

The breakthrough could save the NHS millions (and we’re probably going to need to) as more than 95,000 hip replacements are performed by the NHS in England each year and typically involve a hospital stay of between 3-5 days.

A single day in a hospital bed costs the NHS around £400 (way more than the deals currently available at Premier Inn’s, which are simply not as good these days) and surgeons oop north are conducting trials with 20 patients to see if they can operate without keeping them in overnight.

One chap had his hip replacement operation at 7.30am and was discharged just 10 hours later.

“It’s great,” the 71-year-old said. “It’s far more relaxing recuperating at home and I’m looking forward to being able to walk the dog and get out on my bike again just as soon as possible.”

The project relies on a high-quality after-care service, with each participant given six weeks of home physiotherapy after their op.

“There has been a gradual change in attitudes over recent years,” said an orthopedic surgeon.

“When hip replacements were first carried out, patients would be in bed for up to two weeks post-surgery. However, there has been increasing awareness that early mobility reduces the risk of a heart attack or stroke.

“Given the choice, most people would far rather convalesce at home and just so long as we can guarantee they are receiving the same care and physiotherapy support that they would in hospital, a bed’s a bed at the end of the day.”

The Edge 077 646 797 44

www.mattsadler.co.uk

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THE FLI N G FES TI VA L 2 01 6

Over 4,000 people flocked to this year’s Fling Festival at Hylands Park on Saturday 2 July, reports Penny Sadler-Frost.

The boutique festival had everything you could wish for including comedy, cabaret, Bollywood dance, a silent disco, plus an array of quirky unique activities such as clay making and creating treasure from rubbish.

Its main stage meant that local upcoming bands such as the Kubricks were able to entertain the huge crowd whilst the headline act Turin Brakes

was massively popular with the revelers.

The Fling even had it’s very own specially brewed ale ‘The Fling a-Ma-Jig’ which went down very well indeed. While the new extensive choice of beverages at times meant the bar seemed more like a beer festival, this sadly caused huge queues to develop mid-afternoon which you can imagine wasn’t very popular.

However, this didn’t seem to stop everyone having a great time with a fair few people looking a little the worse for wear as the day progressed.

The new organisers have ‘apologised unreservedly for the long queues and the inconven-

ience caused’, but do not fret for they will be considering this when organising next year’s event, whilst the VIP area also promises to be vastly improved.

All in all, this was a great event and even a few showers didn’t stop the fab atmosphere. No joke, I even heard some people say they ‘preferred it to Glastonbury’ because it has all the qualities of a larger festival, yet retains the charm of a small scale local one, which means at no point do you ever feel cramped or unable to have enough time to check out all of the activities.

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Kids reading The Edge

WAY TO GO, SUNBEAM! This is young Joshua Curry, readers. His proud Mum, Suzanne, sent this ‘action shot’ to The Edge and said, “He’s just got the hang of potty training....with a little help from your magazine.” She also has a nickname for her offspring which is Mr Squishy Pants and The Edge also hopes it’s been instrumental in solidifying matters of late.

Joshua’s best friend is his cousin William (4) and it appears that Joshua has a penchant for ‘reading’ to young Billy while he is ‘curling....’.

Suzanne says, “If you publish this photograph, I will keep the edition for posterity to show to Joshua once he is a little older.”

Happy to oblige, Suzanne. Hey and let’s be having some more Kids reading The Edge pics, please, readers (on the podium being optional).

Page 20

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STUPID, BIGOTED & RACIST I have become incredibly frustrated by all of the part-time politicians labeling me as a stupid, bigoted and racist, purely on the basis that I took the informed decision to vote to LEAVE the European Union in last month’s referendum.

To clarify, my vote wasn’t based upon some irrational, spur of the moment thing, and nor was it because of some kind of innate hatred of the French, refuges or German sausages.

I voted to LEAVE because I want to live in a democracy where the decisions made on my behalf and the laws imposed upon me are decided by the people I elected to represent me. I do not want anti-democratic decisions made for me by a bunch of unelected and unaccountable Eurocrats in Brussels.

The European Commission has the monopoly of proposing EU legislation and has the power to issue regulations which are binding upon all member states, regardless of whether they are in the interests, or even detrimental, to those individual member states.

Little Englander

Far from being a ‘Little Englander’, I see my vote as an opportunity to re-establish ourselves as a powerful, independent power. After all, according to reports, we are the world's fifth biggest economy and we have the fourth most potent military force. The intriguing point for me in all of this, and what the Remainers appear to have missed,

is that Brexit isn’t necessarily about support for a particular political ideology, it was a referendum on the UK’s membership of the European Union. The route that we choose to take post-Brexit is entirely up to us.

So, for example, we can take the socialist path of nationalisation, unions and payment of benefits, or we can carry on with the current path of austerity, lower taxes and the removal of workers’ rights.

Mass Hysteria

There has already been mass hysteria on the streets and people protesting and mourning the loss of our membership of the EU. Sadly, it seems that a number of these protesters don't appear to understand what they are actually protesting about, and nor, more importantly, do they understand the role of the EU. They just don’t seem to be able to comprehend the notion that we have chosen to leave a union rather than a continent and most bizarrely they preach about love and tolerance towards our fellow Europeans whilst being completely intolerant towards people in their own country who happen to have a different opinion to them. I just find it incredible that some people think that voting to maintain the status quo is some kind of brave, progressive, virtuous act, yet don’t see the irony of protesting about democracy.

Lies & Spin

One of the main criticisms levied at the LEAVE campaign was the lies and spin spouted by Boris and Nige, such as the infamous bus slogan that claimed that £350m a

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week will go to the NHS instead of the European Union. The point the Remainers have to understand is that those politicians do not represent me or my values - they just happened to be the politicians that led this political campaign for their own potential personal gain. As I said earlier, we are now able to democratically elect whichever party and Prime Minister we see fit to run the country post-Brexit. The Remainers have become so entrenched and caught up in the mud-slinging that they have conveniently overlooked the ‘project fear’ campaign led by David Cameron and George Osbourne. I mean, what has happened to the postBrexit economic Armageddon? The emergency budget? Tax rises?

Higher levels of austerity? It was also interesting just how very quiet they were about bail aid that will soon to be needed in Greece, about Turkey joining the EU and getting visa free travel, about plans for a European army, and about unrest with the EU in Germany, Holland and France.

Article 50

I don't want to be part of a union where elitists sit around a table drawing up plans for the rest of us and expect us to conform, regardless of whether or not those plans are fit for purpose. Leaving the EU will allow our farmers, fishermen and small businesses to thrive free from the constraints of EU policy and bureaucratic red tape. We will have the ability to negotiate and trade on our own terms that are tailor-made to suit our own national

Billy Hinken interests. Of course it would be irresponsible not to acknowledge that half of the UK's trade goes to the EU and that international companies invest in Britain as a gateway to Europe. But my view is that that will not change as we will look to adopt a Norway style access to the EU market once we have invoked Article 50.

We should also not lose sight of the fact that there is a whole world outside of the EU in which we can look to negotiate our trade deals with the rest of the world without the need for the consent of 28 other countries who are looking to protect and promote their own selfinterests. Our links to the EU has prevented us from focussing on emerging markets and we desperately need to diversify our international links. Once we are free from the constraints of the EU... continued on page 27

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ONLY JOKING! DISGUSTING BEHAVIOUR

Witnessed some totally disgusting behaviour on the beach at Skegness today. There was a man and woman heatedly arguing in front of a load of kids. Then the woman smacked him one before it all kicked off between them. Then the police turned up and a copper ended up using his baton on the fella, but the chap managed to get the baton off him and started whacking the policeman over the head with it.

Then a crocodile turned up and stole a string of sausages...

COMFORTABLE A car hit an elderly Jewish man.

The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable, sir?"

The man says, "I make a good living."

THREE LITTLE DUCKS Three little ducks go into a bar.

“Say, what's your name?” the bartender asks the first duck.

“Huey,” came the reply.

“So how's your day been, Huey?”

“I’ve had a lovely day, thanks,” says Huey. “In fact, I’ve had an absolute ball. I’ve been splashing in and out of puddles all day long. What more could a duck wish for?”

“Oh, that's nice,” says the bartender.

He then turned to the second duck and said, “Hi. And what's your name?”

“Dewey,” came the reply.

“So how's your day been, Dewey?” the bartender asks.

“Oh, I’ve had a tip-top day too,” says Dewey.

“In fact, I have also had a ball as I too have been splashing in and out of puddles all day long. Whatever else could a little duck wish for?”

“That’s nice,” says the bartender.

Turning to the third little duck he sniggers and asks, “So I suppose you must be Louie?”

“No,” says the little duck, batting its eyelashes.

“I’m called Puddles.”

DRUNK A drunk was in front of a judge.

The judge says, "You have been brought here for drinking.”

The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

THEATRE SEATS FOR SENIORS An old man lay awkwardly sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theatre.

When the usher came by and noticed, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

So the usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and a moment later he returned with his manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no

success whatsoever.

Finally they summoned the police. The officer surveyed the situation briefly before asking, "All right buddy, what's your name?”

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where are you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, "The balcony."

STRAIGHT TALKING A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest.

The man asks, "Tell it to me straight, Doc. How do I stand?

The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me."

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WALES One night a nurse was making her rounds in a nursing home. While walking down the hall, she came across an open door. She looked in and saw old Frank sitting up on his bed pretending to drive.

She asked, “What are you doing, Frank?”

He replied, “I'm driving to Wales.”

The nurse smiled at him and carried on making her rounds.

The next night, as she walked past Frank's room, he appeared to be still driving.

Again she asked, “What are you doing, Frank?”

He replied, “I told you, I'm driving to Wales. It's a long way, you know.”

The nurse smiled at him and carried on making her rounds.

Five minutes later she came across another open door and looked in. There she saw Bob wriggling around on his bed, grinning.

She asked Bob, “Whatever are you doing?”

Bob replied, “I'm taking advantage of Frank’s wife while he’s in Wales.”

CIRCUS PARENTS A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency, but social workers raise doubts about their suitability as parents.

The couple produces photographs of their 50 foot motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers are then doubtful about the education the child would receive.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will

YEP, SHE’S DEFINITELY BLONDE! teach the child all the usual subjects, along with French, Mandarin and computer skills," they assure them.

Then there are the obvious doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.

"Our nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet," they counter.

Finally the social workers are satisfied and ask, "What age of child were you hoping to adopt?"

“The smaller the better,” they say, “as it needs to fired out of a cannon."

EASY LIFE Kids today don't know how easy they have it.

When I was young, I had to walk 10 feet through sheer shagpile to change the TV channel.

CHOPPER TALE A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly loses engine power and the aircraft begins to descend.

The pilot safely performs an emergency landing on water and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to save them.

Just then, one of the passengers makes a bolt for the door.

The pilots screams at him, "Didn't you hear what I just said? The aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain firmly closed!"

"Of course I heard you," yelled back the passenger, "but this thing was also designed to fly in the sky, right?"

TWELVE CHILDREN A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move house, as his current rental agreement was coming to an end for the home they were living in.

No-one was keen to rent him a home because they figured 12 children would trash the place.

Yet he could not say he had no children because he could not lie. After all, he was a lawyer and lawyers cannot lie.

So he had an idea.

He sent his wife off for a walk in the cemetery with the kids and took just one along with him to see a home they liked. When the agent asked, "How many children do you have?" he truthfully answered, "Twelve."

So the agent asked, "And where are they now?"

The lawyer said, with a sad look, "Eleven of them are in the cemetery with their mother."

And that is the way he was able to rent a home for his family without lying.

Moral: it is not always necessary to lie. One merely has to choose the right words.

All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

The Edge 238_The Edge 172.qxd 21/07/2016 17:03 Page 23

Home Partnership Rebrand

Divorce driving rise in over-50s forced to rent The proportion of over-50s living in rented accommodation has grown strongly over the past 5 years.

Almost a third (32%) of people aged 50 and above currently rent, up from just over one-in-four (26%) in 2011. Research was carried out amongst more than 13,700 people across the UK and it is considered that increased divorce rates could be behind larger numbers of the over-50s starting life afresh in rented dwellings.

Research found those aged between 50-54 in particular were increasingly likely to be renting, suggesting that divorce is helping to fuel demand as ‘silver-splitters’ have to divide the family home.

Indeed, since 2011, there has been a 15% increase in people aged 50-54 in rented accommodation.

Surges in house prices in recent years may also mean that, like many of the younger generation, some of those who are older are finding it a struggle to get on the housing ladder.

On average, people aged over 50 living in rented accommodation have around £20,000 worth of contents to lug around with them, yet 59% of them apparently decide to go ‘commando’ so far as their home insurance is concerned, leaving them with the potential of a huge bill were something unforeseen to happen to their contents.

Q. So what’s so very different about The Home Partnership now?

A. The unusual Estate Agent probably best sums us up! We have won multiple national awards for our work in the local community, marketing, and were voted by industry experts to be the best independent agent in the UK. We’re your local estate agent that has you and your property at the very heart of everything we do, so much so that we chose our company name to reflect this special relationship between you and your home.

Q. When did it all begin?

A. We’re proud to have opened our Chelmsford office in Duke Street in 2006, followed by our Brentwood office in 2014. And so, after 2 smashed windows, 9 Christmas parties, 2 office moves, opening a second office, winning three national awards, 98 late night pizza phone outs, half a dozen soggy shoulders from clients from tears of happiness (or failure), 302 bunches of flowers, 157 boxes of chocolates, 4 batches of homemade cookies, many sense of humour failures between the three of us business partners, very tolerant spouses, too many sleepless nights to count and a bucket load of hard work, passion and desire to deliver great and unexpected customer service....we’re still here and are celebrating our 10th anniversary with our brand new image, including new For Sale signs and website www.thehomepartnership.co.uk But to help make it all happen on a day to day basis, we have a truly wonderful team that surrounds us, which is lucky for us and lucky for you too!

MAKE YOURSELF AT SELLING, LETTING AND MANAGING HOMES

Brentwood St. Thomas Road CM14 4DB 01277 218 821

Chelmsford 11 Duke Street CM1 1HL 01245 250 222

shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

thehomepartnership.co.uk

Page 23

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EROTIC Fantasy

Why do people watch this bilge?

I consider myself a reasonably rational man, capable of seeing both sides of an argument (albeit, I see my side far more clearly), but on one issue, despite my best efforts, my desire to be fair-minded and balanced completely dissolves: why the hell do people watch EastEnders?

The programme is thirty minutes worth of undiluted, unmitigated, slashyour- wrists-to-ease-the-pain misery.

I mean, what pleasure do people derive from viewing back-to-back storylines which involve murder, drug abuse, alcoholism, incest, terminal illness, rape and other miseries as yet not invented by man. God only knows what the scriptwriters would come up with if the programme shifted beyond the 9.00pm watershed.

After giving it considerable thought (far more than this issue actually deserves, I’ll admit), I can only assume that some people watch it and strangely take solace by thinking: ‘Hell, perhaps my life isn’t so bad after all then? I may have lost me job, me husband’s run off with me best mate, and I’ve just broken one of the heels on me best shoes - but hey, things could definitely be worse. I could be working on a market stall in EastEnders for starters!’

Licensed Sex Shop 1000’s of DVD’s from under £10 Largest range of Herbal Viagra in the area All the latest Adult Toys Lingerie PVC/Rubber Everything for fun loving singles/couples Open ’til 7:00pm Two minutes walk from Chelmsford Bus & Railway stations Established 20 years Knowledgeable, discreet, friendly staff

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TEL. 01245 28 33 00

So far as advertising positions go, this particular space is proving to be about as popular as Quasimodo himself.

Therefore THE EDGE is willing to listen to ALL REASONABLE OFFERS. 01245 348256

And before you all start wondering why I watch it, I don’t. The aforementioned tsunami of misPeter Richardson ery can easily be viewed in a couple of fleeting is Publishing Editor of moments at the end of any episode whilst I’m LeisureTime waiting for the next programme to begin. in North Essex Believe me, if I was forced to watch the entire thirty minutes worth I strongly suspect I would very quickly be on some of the strongest anti-depressant medication my doctor could throw at me.

There are so many more pleasurable ways of passing thirty minutes of your life than watching such absolute bilge. I’m sure you could come up with some of your own, but here are my five for starters.

1. Take a saucepan and a fork and scrape the latter over the former for thirty minutes solid.

2. Take a pair of pliers, a shot of Scotch, and very slowly extract that niggling tooth. Take your time though, you’ve got thirty minutes, remember?

3. Take all your clothes off and go and remove the bed of nettles which are now waist-high at the bottom of your garden (this might even persuade your neighbours to leave EastEnders for a while and gaze out of their window in astonishment, so a double-whammy).

4. Take a half-inch paintbrush to your 100-feet wooden garden fence and start creosoting - but you can stop after thirty minutes - and remind yourself that all great journeys start with the smallest step.

5. But if none of these four suggestions float your boat, you could always try watching The Jeremy Kyle Show - the only TV programme that makes EastEnders appear to be a tale of positive, upbeat, fully functional families.

The Edge Editor chips in - Or you could watch Corrie instead, readers. I know you southerners probably can’t understand what them on tut cobbles are rambling on about half-the-time, but it’s an awful lot less depressing. Yes, even burying a body under the foundations of Gail Platt’s extension is proper light-hearted as compared to your average episode of EastEnders. And why is it? Because northerners (sing along now) “Always look on the bright side of life, de-dee, de-dee de-dee de-dee.”

“Cor blimey, guvnor.”

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B

efore we get onto the main topic, a note or two is required. One of the problems about writing in a monthly magazine with a deadline well in advance of publication is that anything that refers to current affairs is liable to be overtaken by events before it gets read. In this particularly quick moving situation that’s almost certain to have happened, so take this as a snapshot of how things stood at the end of June 2016.

Over the years this column has tried to be impersonal and objective. The words ‘I’ and ‘me’ are used sparingly, if at all.

This month it’s different. This entire missive is from me, Steve Ward. So all the venom it is bound to generate should be directed my way, not at The Edge.

On Thursday 23rd June the citizens of Chelmsford voted, along with the rest of England and Wales, to screw the UK for the foreseeable future. That line will tell you where I stand on the argument. So, if you are one of the 47,545 that voted to remain in the EU, you can move along, there’s nothing to see here. If you didn’t vote at all, I bet you now wish you had, but again, this isn’t really aimed your way. If, on the other hand, you are one of the 53,249 that voted out, this is for you.

What were you thinking? Did you not understand the economic arguments?

Did you think it was just some sort of a jolly jape to stick it to the man? Are you one of those that have never been abroad so still believe there’s something inherently superior about the English race? I want to know. Really, I do. I want to know why you thought it was a good idea to set the UK adrift and alone in a hostile world. My email address appears beneath this column, so tell me. Please.

Let’s look at the people you could have listened to. The leaders of all the country’s main political parties said stay.

Every world leader except Putin said stay. 95% of economists said stay.

Everyone’s favourite businessman, Richard Branson, said stay. All the serious newspapers said stay. But you knew better than all these people, didn’t you?

You listened to the other side of the argument. And who was that?

Well, first up Boris, who only became a Brexiteer because he thought it would be good for Boris’ career. Then, having dumped a steaming pile of poo on our doorstep, he withdrew from the race and doesn’t want anything to do with cleaning it up. Michael Gove. A man whose main contribution to the debate was “we’ve all had enough of listening to experts”. Very adult. Iain Duncan Smith.

Sacked as Conservative party leader after a very short reign for being useless and who has done nothing of note since, except resign his cabinet post.

Finally the contemptible jackass Farage.

The day after he won all of a sudden the economic numbers he’d plastered all over his battle bus were “a mistake”. shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

BREXIT ‘Lie’ is a more appropriate word. He stood in front of an overtly racist poster he’d created, grinning and loving it.

Incidentally, the poster depicted asylum seekers from the Middle East and Africa.

None of these are EU citizens, so have absolutely zero impact in this discussion.

As this is being written, and the UK needs a bit of goodwill from the EU to help us smooth the way through an economic disaster all of our own making, what is Farage doing? Why, he’s over in Brussels insulting them. Way to go, Nige. That’s always the best tactic to get a good deal. Of all four, it is liar-in-chief Farage that should be first on the gallows when the population, eventually, realises what a fuck-up England is and decides to take mob action. There are no words to portray the contempt I have for this miserable excuse for a human being.

quote someone, you ain’t seen nothing yet. It was inevitable, even before this self inflicted economic disaster, that at some future point the NHS would have to start charging for its services. With an aging population it’s just too expensive to be free for ever and on Thursday 26th June you simply voted to bring that day closer. But you knew that and were prepared to pay the price, right?

And you think it’s OK that your pension won’t be paid until you’re 80, of course?

The pound has fallen in value dramatically in the immediate aftermath of the vote, but the effects I’ve outlined are not going to happen overnight. It will take years of gradual economic decline, but decline is inevitable. In the short term a recession is almost certain. Just remember when the pain touches you personally that this one wasn’t caused by bankers. It was you.

“Every world leader except Putin said stay. 95% of economists said stay. All the serious newspapers said stay. But you knew better than all those people, didn’t you?”

Did you not consider what the consequences of a Brexit would be on jobs in this country? You hadn’t realised that all those multi-national companies - let’s just take some of the car makers as an example: Ford, Nissan, Honda - have factories here because it allows them free access to the EU? When they have to pay export duties to get their products into Europe, do you really think they’ll stay here? They will be in Ireland, or Slovakia, or Spain within a decade.

There’s nothing superior about British workers - cars can be made anywhere and by anybody - why not go where it’s cheap, especially as Dublin et al will be throwing incentives at them. That’s a lot of jobs gone missing.

Then there’s the City of London. I know you hate it and everyone who works in it, but you did realise that the City contributes 11% of the UK’s total tax income, right? Most of that will be lost when the international banks move their headquarters to Frankfurt in the next few years. Where do you think whoever is chancellor is going to get that 11% from?

So there is less tax coming in, yet more unemployment benefit to pay out. For those lucky enough to have a job, taxes will have to rise. On the other side of the coin, if you think the austerity cuts of the past few years have been bad, well, to

I’m sure you noticed that towards the end of the campaign the Brexiters stopped mentioning the economy at all because they knew they were on the wrong end of every figure. The economic arguments are 100% in favour of remaining in. But that didn’t concern you.

That brings us to immigration. The Brexiters have already backtracked and admitted that there won’t be much difference. That’s because their argument was built on another lie. Net immigration was 300,000 a year they shouted.

Correct. But well over half of that came from non-EU countries. Leaving the EU will have no impact on that number.

Since the referendum the Brexiters have confessed that practically they are unlikely to be able to do much about the EU numbers either. So there’s another lie you bought.

There’s a different angle to this though.

Who is going to clean our hospitals, man our care homes, harvest the farmer’s produce? We appear to have nobody indigenous willing to do those jobs.

The phrase heard most often is “we wanted our country back”. I’m not sure where it went, but I think what people uttering that meant is that they yearn for it to be 1955 again. Britain ruled the

You can contact Wardo at steveward2000@hotmail.com

Steve Ward is 62.

He grew up on Chelmsford’s Chignall estate.

He spent his early working life in manufacturing and the later years at various financial institutions in London and New York.

He retired two years ago and now lives in California. He has written an Edge column for 15 years.

waves, Arhur Askey on the wireless, crumpets for tea and no ‘darkies’ to upset the cosiness. If that country ever did exist, it can’t in a modern and connected world.

If you lived in a post-industrial wasteland in the north, I can understand you voting out. You’ve got nothing now and no prospects, so can it get any worse?

Well, yes, it can when the welfare cuts bite, but at least there’s an understandable reason for voting out. But you live in Chelmsford. You aren’t swamped with immigrants. Where do you think your comfortable lifestyle comes from?

If you look at the demographics of those who voted to stay, they were predominantly in one of three groups. (1) young and therefore looking to the future (2) educated, or (3) relatively well off.

Obviously, as an out voter you are likely to be in one of the opposite groups.

Living in Chelmsford it rules out poor. I’ll leave you to decide the opposites of the other two.

Angry? Yes, you bet your arse I’m angry.

Your Little Englander views have deprived today’s young generation, not to mention my as yet unborn grandchildren, a place in a modern outward looking country and condemned them to live in an isolationist little nation that’s afraid of outsiders, has a broken economy, yet bizarrely still thinks it’s superior to everyone else.

One last thing. Donald Trump. He’s dreadful, right? Yet he thinks Brexit is a good thing. What’s that about being known by the company you keep?

I hope I’m wrong about all this - my living standards depend on the UK economy after all - but the portents all make very grim reading for the years to come.

So, tell me, Brexiters, apart from chaos, what exactly have you achieved?

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Y

eah, I know, most of you are probably sick to the back teeth of hearing about Brexit by now, but what sort of columnist would I be if I didn’t jump on a perfectly good bandwagon and give you my (devalued) tuppence worth?

Firstly, I’d like to say that I voted to remain in the EU and I think we made a mistake by leaving, but it’s something I’d really like to be wrong about. If the UK does emerge from this a stronger and better country, then I’ll honestly be cheering as loudly as anyone.

It’s very early days yet (I’m actually writing this on Tuesday 5th July) and way too early to tell if we’ll come up smelling of roses, or be hoisted by our own petards, so I’m certainly not going to try and gaze into a crystal ball and tell you all the future. But what I do want you all to consider is exactly how we went about voting in our historic referendum.

Simply put: A lot of us made a proper pigs’ ear of it, didn’t we?

There have been no shortage of stories detailing ‘buyer’s remorse’ as people who voted OUT suddenly wished they’d done it differently, and one of the most common refrains I’m hearing is: “But I didn’t know any of this. Why didn’t anyone tell me?” which has made my blood boil.

All of the information was out there and freely available to anyone that took the time to look for it. But no, it’s much easier just to listen to whatever talking-head is on the gogglebox and let them give you your opinion, isn’t it?

How dare people complain that: “nobody told us this”? You’re an adult. How about acting like one and finding out for yourself?

The ‘great’ British public were given an amazing opportunity and a grave responsibility, yet a significant amount of them celebrated that by being completely irresponsible and not even bothering to do any research on the matter whatsoever.

During the run-up to the vote I saw lots of posts on Facebook, from people saying they didn’t know which way to vote, and being told “just vote how you feel” like that actually made any sense.

The UK’s position in the EU is a remarkably complex, even convoluted, matter. It’s comprised of decade’s worth of complicated legislation and any changes to this, even slight ones, will cause effects we could all be feeling for years. Not just in the UK, or the EU, but across the world. If there was ever an issue NOT to have a knee-jerk or gut instinct response to, it was this one.

Yet far too many people squandered this historic opportunity and simply tossed a metaphorical coin in the air to decide upon their vote.

Let me be perfectly clear: If you voted without thoroughly researching the possibilities and ramifications of your choice, then you’re an idiot. If you boiled this remarkably complex matter down to one or two issues to inform your choice, then you’re also an idiot.

And if one of those issues was immigration or some jingoistic clap-

Page 26

ME & MY adamantium skeleton

The Kingmeister reports

GOOD JOB, YOU GUTLESS KNOB-JOCKEYS trap about ‘taking our country back’ then you’re not just an idiot...that makes you a total *&%$ing idiot.

The more I look at it, the more I’m appalled at the stupidity.

What on earth were Wales thinking? They haven’t had a pot to p*ss in for years and received millions in subsidies and benefits from the EU, but they still chose to kick that golden goose out of the valley.

And it’s not just Wales either. A significant amount of the LEAVE votes came from impoverished towns and counties that also benefited enormously from the EU and where’s that money going to come from now? Certainly not from the government, considering the economy isn’t looking too great right now and our two major parties are both in complete disarray.

Why did such a large percentage of the LEAVE vote come from ‘working class’ areas when they’re the ones who will probably get the worst of any ill effects from the decision?

It doesn’t make any sense at all.

I read an interesting article in the FT that said how we were living in ‘post-factual’ Britain and that even if these people had bothered to research the facts, they would have ignored them anyway. Because

Brexit was an emotional vote, not an intellectual one, yet it was intellect and reason that we needed.

So where are we now?

Well, as you all know, our economy took a predictable and immediate nose dive and only time will tell how bad things get and how long it will take to turn things around. The vote has shown us how divided we are as a nation and how that divide is a generational schism. The vast majority of the over 60’s voted to LEAVE the EU, while the majority of 18-25 year olds voted to stay IN. I think it’s a terrible shame that so many young people are now going to be denied the opportunity to travel freely and live and work in 27 countries by a bunch of pensioners who, let’s be honest, almost certainly voted OUT while singing ‘Rule Britannia’ and mumbling on about how many foreigners there are round a mouthful of pork pie.

We’ve seen the biggest economic slump in decades, our two main political parties are in complete disarray - which is something that will certainly put off potential investors in the UK - and to top it all, we’ve seen a 57% increase in racially motivated hate crimes in less than a week of the LEAVE result.

An unfortunate by-product of our decision to leave the EU has been to give these disgusting racists what they see as carte blanche to scream at people to get out of ‘their’ country, post threatening letters, spit at and even physically assault anyone they like. Why is it that the socalled ‘champions’ of the white race are always the worst examples of it?

And it’s not just in the UK either, as the far right has been empowered all across Europe. Numerous EU countries have already said they’re in the sad position of hoping Brexit does end badly for the UK in order to curb the rising popularity of the far right in their own countries.

When the only people in the EU celebrating our ‘victory’ are racist zealots and the only world leaders congratulating us are people like that nasty tyrant Putin, I just can’t bring myself to be pleased about it.

With all the challenges we’re facing at the moment, such as the biggest refugee crisis since World War II, terrorism and environmental challenges, I think what the world needs is unity, yet we just voted for divisiveness. N.B. I might, just might, have voted differently if I had any faith in our own political leadership, but I didn’t, and I still don’t.

Who’s going to lead us through the challenges ahead?

Both the immediate ones caused by the referendum decision and the ongoing ones we’ll be facing for decades to come? Boris? Farage?

They’ve been quick to distance themselves from the mess they’ve made like the spineless curs they are. While part of me thinks that a clown like Boris and a hateful joker like Farage are better off well away from it all, it still makes me furious that they can basically curl one out on the political floor and leave it for someone else to clear up.

Like I said at the beginning of this article, I hope I’m wrong about everything and that the UK does emerge a stronger, better country and that the rest of the EU doesn’t suffer from our decision, but I just can’t see it at the moment. So far I’m seeing all the gloomy predictions of what was apparently ‘project fear’ coming true, while the central claims of the Leave campaign have been shown up as lies - sorry, mistakes within hours of the result.

If you seriously think that the NHS will see a penny of that £350 million or that the UK will have access to the single market without keeping to the EU rules on the free movement of labour, then you’re deluded.

All I can see at the moment is the victory of populism and emotion over reason and common sense and I just can’t and won’t celebrate that. Whatever happens, there will be some trying times ahead and I just hope we’ll all pull together to overcome the challenges we face and take the lessons we learn from this to heart.

Hopefully the politicians have learned a valuable lesson as well: If there’s a complex and important issue to decide, then don’t let the public anywhere near it.

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continued from page 21

we can look at creating our own trade deals with countries like India, South America and China.

We do not need the EU to prosper internationally as we now have the opportunity to re-engage with the commonwealth and build upon the existing relationship we already have with the United States, which, it appears, has not put us to the “back of the queue” as threatened.

Outside the UK the LEAVE vote has been hailed as one of the biggest anti-globalisation acts in living memory. The EU supports big business against the rights of small local firms and helps perpetuate poverty around the world as a result of the artificially inflated food prices brought about by subsidies under the much maligned Common Agricultural Policy. Big business and the financial markets don't like the uncertainty that has been brought about by the democratic vote because there is always the possibility that we have made the wrong choice. However, we can always seek to redress any mistakes through general elections and votes in Parliament. Trade with EU countries will continue as it is in their interests to allow Britain access to the European free market. And do you honestly think that banks will flee London and it’s allure of low tax? I don't. We will still remain a leading financial centre outside of the EU.

Immigration Immigration has, of course, been a hot topic during the referendum and

The Edge 077 646 797 44

the Remainers appear to hold the misguided belief that everyone who voted out is a closet racist that wants to kick out all immigrants and stop any foreigners coming to live and work in the UK. That view is clearly an ignorant one in much the same way that the belief that free movement across the EU is a good thing.

It is clear that there is no risk to the current status of EU nationals living in the UK and immigration to this country will continue, only just on more manageable terms. Net migration to the UK is unsustainable at current levels and we will now get the opportunity to adopt a manageable policy that the public can support.

I think most of us agree that immigration plays a significant role in our society and now we have the opportunity to make it sustainable. The irony is that, as a member of the EU, the only people we could previously stop from coming into the UK were people from outside of the EU. Whereas now, by regaining control of our borders, we can revise our entry requirements and welcome more people to our country from all over the world.

The future is uncertain, but personally I think we have been presented with a golden opportunity to prosper and thrive under our own rule. The decision has been made and I think it is time that we collectively dust ourselves off, heal our rifts and work together to make sure we succeed outside of the EU. @billyhinken

Our prickly ickle friends The secret life of urban hedgehogs (our Hector’s gone missing, readers) shows they thrive just as well in cities as they do in the countryside, providing there are sufficient gardens and parks to forage in.

To investigate how our ickle prickly friends are coping with increased urbanisation, researchers tagged a few, thus allowing white-coated scientists the opportunity to track their movements and monitor hibernation patterns, winter nesting habits and the size of the territory over which they roamed.

Urban hedgehogs turn out to be remarkably good at adapting to city life.

Studies found that they decreased their nightly roams from 50 hectares* when out in the countryside to just five hectares in urban areas, adjusting their activity to within levels of human disturbance.

Urban hedgehogs mainly stayed in private gardens by day and ventured out to deserted local parks at night in order to gorge and check for mates.

During winter, both urban and rural hedgehogs enter a ‘torpor’ state at roughly the same time, which researchers found fascinating given that urban hedgehogs have a far greater access to food supplies. *Hectare - a fair old spread for creatures with such ickle legs.

Page 27

The Edge 238_The Edge 172.qxd 22/07/2016 14:53 Page 28

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If you think youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re having a bad day, just be grateful youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re not this lizard.

This incredible picture shows the lizard probably having the worst moment of its entire life, as his head pokes out from the jaws of a massive snake.

There appears to be no escape - but this is not a story about its horrific demise.

As it turns out, perhaps we could all learn a thing or two from the sheer determination and â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;never say dieâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; attitude of the little reptile.

The photographer commented, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Although almost the entire lizard had been swallowed, the wily critter was hanging on with its powerful jaws, refusing to accept the inevitable. â&#x20AC;&#x153;It actually wore the snakeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s head over its own like a hooded-sweatshirt, while its attitude seemed to be saying, â&#x20AC;&#x153;No way are you making me your dinner. I can keep this up all day if I have toâ&#x20AC;?.â&#x20AC;?

After a few minutes of this amazing stand-off, the snake actually began to regurgitate the lizard.

So it just goes to show, readers, that we should never, ever, give up.

Even when the deck seems to have been totally stacked against us.

GLAND IN HAND ON M25

on your marks get set...

Page 28

Just because there is no law specifically mentioning it, it doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t mean it is legal to masturbate whilst driving.

But one particular guy seems to have thought, â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Hey, why the hell not?â&#x20AC;&#x2122; The unidentified driver from Chelmsford, a man in his fifties, was caught pleasuring himself whilst driving his BMW along the M25 back towards the Chelmsford exit at 70mph.

Unluckily for him, police in an unmarked car were on patrol on a week-long crack down on â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;distracted driversâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;.

A spokesman for Essex Police confirmed the man was fined after he admitted â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;carrying out an indecent actâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; at the wheel of a motor vehicle in motion when he was eventually â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;pulled overâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; by patrol officers.

Following an article in The Edgeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s previous (June) edition, new research has now proved that driving whilst on the telephone is statistically more dangerous than drink-driving, so gawd only knows how dangerous it is to drive using the old â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;gland in handâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; technique.

While the driver concerned may have been the most outrageous, he was by no means the only motorist â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;caught in the actâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; during the cull.

Police also found another man reading a novel whilst driving and they stacked up a massive 147 drivers using mobile phones over the course of the two week crack-down.

In total, Essex Police fined 187 drivers between ÂŁ60 and ÂŁ100 apiece, not to mention dishing out some additional points on their licences.

A sergeant on the scene said: â&#x20AC;&#x153;Most of the offenders were far from hardened criminals. They are often kind and decent people who just donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t realise the consequences of their actions, not just to their potential victims, but on their own lives and to the security of their jobs and family. â&#x20AC;&#x153;The irony is that most of the people we stop agree that we were right to stop them, so why do they do it? Particularly where masturbation is concerned.â&#x20AC;?

Just look what can go wrong...

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MOTCO

Man on the Clapham Omnibus

The middle-aged pop concert The other Sunday evening Mrs Mott and I attended the O2 to see a Lionel Ritchie concert, no less. It was a chance to step back to a time of needing a hairdryer before going out, rather than a can of Mr Sheen, and when my flares used to be wider than my waist. Alas no more and a cursory glance around the audience showed many a man in the same boat, not to mention some of the ladies too.

There is, of course, a difference so far as middle-aged pop concerts go, and that is the fact that there’s generally a greater spending power and despite the popular belief that youngsters like to knock it back, they have surely never been in a bar-zone with a crowd of thirsty middle-aged fiftysomething’s to see how they compare. And of course pre-concert thirst quenching is dressed up under the line of, “Shall we have a bit of dinner?”.

Of course, long term readers of MOTCO will remember that I have previously addressed why it seems we only have a ‘bit’ of something. But this particular ‘bit’ of dinner is seemingly merely a ruse to consume a couple of bottles of Chardonnay or Pinot Grigio, or for the slightly more exotic amongst you, perhaps a drizzle of Cava or Prosecco. And somewhere in there you can also bet a bowl of garlic prawn tagliatelle will be the cover for this. Then, upon finding there is still an hour before the support act comes on, the bars are hit for a ‘refresher’ simply to kill time.

Now I must confess that the Mott’s are no different in this respect and in our ‘kill time hour’ we even had a second jug of a lurid green cocktail called Summer Nights. However, we are, of course, responsible adults, although having eventually being done with childcare duties we find ourselves slowly reverting backwards i.e. “Yes, let’s have some more booze, please, and I’ll worry about work tomorrow when the alarm clock goes off at 6.30am.” Fifty-five? Nooo. After (insert responsible amount of units here) units of alcohol we are somewhat 25 again and our children are so disapproving of us, although at least its only embarrassing selfies on Facebook they have to endure, instead of witnessing this terrible behaviour face-to-face.

And so concert time eventually arrives and 15,000 of us descend into the arena nursing some kind of beverage whilst contemplating the steep steps. First glances indicate that one could be living in a M&S catalogue with almost all of the women present dressed in white linen trousers or

WIN

jeans and a lightweight floaty summer top covering their lovely matronly bosoms. Such tops, of course, will be offering the coverage of flesh a teenage daughter would be told off for, but we have to note that fiftysomething women have a normal operating body temperature of around 150 degrees, so remaining cool whilst looking stylish is essential.

It is also worth noting that the reason they pay fifteen quid for the programme is so they can use it as a fan for the next three hours. The aroma of perfume fills the air, and it is both heady and sweet, just as it should be.

Meanwhile, the men come into three categories dress wise, which are also M&S catalogue, a decent section of Cotton Traders and plenty of dodgy ‘genuine’ Ralph Lauren shirts complete with five legged horse logo’s. There are, of course, a few mavericks wearing stripy work shirts with faded jeans a la Clarkson. Aftershave generally smells expensive, but drowned out by alcohol fumes. Most heads are either fashionably shaven or just plain bald. No ‘on trend’ beardies here.

The lights go out and all the phone cameras appear. Trouble is, being mid fifties, we don’t switch off the camera first, so see thousand of pictures of grandchildren and family instead. Plus the glare from a sea of bald heads now makes it almost as bright as when the lights were on.

Music starts and everybody stands up. The creaking of joints and various hip and knee replacements along with cries of “Ooh, ahh me back” temporarily leads you to believe the grandstand is going to collapse. Whilst of course, there is the other problem, which is like being on Liverpool Street station at rush hour, as bladders are not what they used to be, therefore toilet visits are almost non-stop.

Naturally at 6.30am the next morning (Monday) things are not so good.

Tired from a distinct lack of sleep due to one being in and out of the bathroom all night long due to the sheer amount of liquid taken on board, plus the hangover from hell itself, coupled with aching legs etc.

A great way to start the week. Just how your parents told you not to do it!

Yours aye,

when you recycle your Small Waste Electrical and Electronic Equipment in Chelmsford

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shaun@theedgemag.co.uk

Page 29

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TOTALLY TRACIE

But what a month it’s been. Thank the Lord that ‘Game of Thrones’ came to an end, because there is simply no way I could keep up with that show and our own ‘Iron Island’ saga at the same time.

First Boris was tipped to be our new PM, but was stabbed Machiavellian-style by the imp that is Gove at his very own celebration party. It resembled the Red Wedding and blood was well and truly spilt on the carpet. Then the North rose up and sent Gove to the wall, leaving the two Ice Maidens to face it out. Andrea fell on her sword within 24 hours leaving our very own Cersi (aka Theresa May) to steal the throne and rule the Kingdom, despite even Nigel Farage (aka Walder Frey) trying to change sides from UKIP to Conservative.

GAME OF POLITICS So we are all here. No one has exploded. War has not been declared on us. The money markets are still surging along. There is no shortage of ink and paper as predicted by Cameron and him in ‘Edge Towers’ is still nagging about the next deadline to be met (gosh, that man could seriously give Christian Grey a run for his money when it comes to cracking a whip!). In fact, the only losers than I can see thus far are the Spanish, who no longer hold the monopoly over us on tomatoes.

We are free to buy our lamb from New Zealand along with our toms from Jersey. Yes folks, we are back to being Little Britain again.

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Page 30

I never thought Brexit would win, if I’m honest. I was watching the TV results coming through until 2.00am when ‘Him Indoors’, the miserable sod, said, “Turn that blinkin’ rubbish off. We’re staying in. As if we’re going to come out.

You’re deluded, you are, gel.”

I just ignored him and to be honest, it did look like Brexit was getting hammered. Only then it all suddenly turned around, so I woke ‘Him’ up from his slumber and said, “What’s that you were saying? It very much looks as though we’re coming out.”

He sat up in bed to watch and listen before a very different story emerged from his mouth. “I knew we’d come out,” he said. “I’ve been saying it all along,” as if the last two hours had never happened. Then he promptly started texting his cronies to pontificate that he’d been right all along.

Which, of course, naturally prompted an argument between us. Oh it takes very little these days. So then my teenage son came into our bedroom, moaning that his life was now ruined as he would never be able to live in Europe, nor eat again in Nando’s, nor get a dog (don't ask). Only when I quizzed him about going to Europe right now, before they trigger Article 50, and offered to dig out his passport and a packed lunch, he skulked off back to bed.

Given that the boy can't even get off the sofa, the chances of him actually making it across the Channel seem pretty remote.

So will Theresa May unite the islands and rule, or is there a promised leader about to turn up and oust her with two dragons? \for all you Wildlings/Remainers out there...winter is coming.

GIVE ME ALL YOUR LOVING Scrubbing the loo, cleaning the fridge and cleaning the oven (yuck) are not in the least bit sexy.

However, if a woman catches a man doing them, according to a new study, they’re far more likely to become irresistible to others and nine times more likely to have more sex than those that worm out of doing such mundane tasks (who compiles these studies?).

It is said that women who see men doing their fair share of tasks see themselves as equals and their self-esteem soars and they are far more likely to be more loving in the bedroom.

Love used to be seen as an attraction of the opposite sex, with each bringing a different set of skills to the partnership. Not anymore. Love is based on who can hoover and iron the quickest and how much moaning they are going to do before getting the job done.

My only advice, ladies, is pick a man who really can use an iron, and hoover, and make sure you get their skill set on the very first date. Because if they are no good with the Brillo Pad, move on.

No one wants to be lumbered with a man they have to train up, do they?

Now that’s what I call proper equal opportunities.

Have a great month - hope it’s a scorcher.

Tracie123@aol.com

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Axe T-junctions?

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What’s all this nonsense The Edge is reading about T-junctions being axed !4<: >16,7> .):+1) in favour of roundabouts to make our roads safer for older drivers, when :7..1; +4-)616/ quite patently our roads would be safer if we simply axed older drivers (until =<<.:; ,4.*:.your editor officially becomes one, of course)? ,4.*6.- /:75 B Government ministers have apparently been told that our roads should be redesigned so that they are more accessible for our country’s ageing popu-7: ,0 42>. ,7 =3 lation.

The Older Drivers task Force (have you ever heard of such a thing?) has called for T-junctions to be scrapped, as figures show the over-75s are twice as likely to be killed while negotiating them (Jesus, what’s so difficult in applying the brakes until you come to a halt before looking both left and right?).

Instead, it is recommended that miniroundabouts should be installed, which apparently makes it easier for pensioners to pull out into traffic.

Dear-oh-dear, The Edge cannot believe it is reading this. So what happens if you approach a T-junction and there’s simply a farmer’s field in front of it?

Does a roundabout need to be installed there too?

What sheer and utter cobblers, despite the report suggesting: ‘Given that They were asking their guests on Chris Evans’ Top Gear (no thankfully the percentage of serious accidents at T-junctions increases significantly with age (after 65) and that similar situations do not occur at roundabouts, it defunct) what their very first car was, The Edge noticed.

Well here’s mine, readers. A 2.0 Ford Capri that compared to the outside would be worth studying the value of installing mini-roundabouts at busy had a remarkably tidy interior, whilst the vinyl roof was immaculate.

T-junctions in future.’

I was only 17 at the time, but I was fortunate in so much as I was able to The change would mean older drivers no longer having to look over their wangle the insurance. So then what I did was put a new camshaft in (as it shoulder when joining busy roads. was knocking a bit) plus a couple of new shockers and a new n/s front HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! Tell The Edge this is a joke? headlamp cluster and then off it went to be totally resprayed....jet black.

The report went on to say that 4.7million Brits aged 70 or over had a valid Oh what a difference when I collected it one week later, minus the wing driving license in 2014, but that this is expected to rise to 8.5million over mirrors, and set about polishing the bumpers and painting the wheels (I the next 20 years. couldn’t afford new, wider wheels, which I was absolutely gutted about as The task force also called for all drivers to be given eye-tests from the age I was at an age where I wanted to pimp-it-up). It looked like a completely of 60 (bloody hell, I’ve only 5 more years to go then), although it also suggested that elder motorists should not be forced to renew their licenses until different car once I’d finished with it, what with it’s new plastic number plates both front and rear, and it even managed a trouble-free return trip they are 75, whereas for the past 50 years it has been a mandatory stipulation at the age of 70. from The Wash in Lincolnshire to St. Ives in Cornwall once over.

The number of drivers over the age of 85 will double to one million by 2025. Was still good to see the back of it mind, if memory serves me correctly. shaun@theedgemag.co.uk Page 31

First Car

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