WHEN RAPE GOES BEYOND PSYCHOLOGICAL EFFECTS INTO THE PHYSICAL REALM

BY JILL LANGHAM

Warning: This article is not for the faint-hearted, so please tread lightly, dear readers. It does however have a silver lining.

Forty years ago, I was raped at gunpoint in Chicago. I was 27 years old.

We’ve all seen many programs and read articles about the psychological effects of rape and of course depending on the level and type of rape have become familiar with some of the mental, emotional as well as physical effects known as P.T. S. D., or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

I had P.T.S.D., for many years and have used various techniques to rid myself of its deep talons in me. I have been in years of therapy to help me deal with the consequences of that night. I, ironically, was coming home from a therapy session that night perhaps making me even more vulnerable.

I wrote about the circumstances surrounding the rape in my book which included a statement that I made shortly after the initial shock wore off. I said, “I do not want this rape to be a reason for me to hate men,” and I meant it.

During the rape, I was taught an eye-opening lesson that my boyfriend at the time had been raping me every night he came home drunk and forced me to have sex with him. After the rape, I believed that I and would continue to have and enjoy sex.

But, the rape did greatly affected my trust of men. The very first person I felt somewhat safe with was actually a gay man, who turned out to be bi-sexual. I evidently felt so safe with him, that I got pregnant, but was not prepared to face motherhood, so I chose to have an abortion.

What I did not know nor discover until a few months ago is that I may have dealt with the psychological components of my rape but I did not deal with the physical aspects of it. Let me explain.

As a younger woman, I experimented with sex. I had one boyfriend, who not only sexually abused me but physically abused as well. At the same time, I trusted him enough to try lots of different types of positions and possibilities when it came to sex. This was back in the mid-70’s and if sex toys were sold, we did not know where or how to buy them so we tried lots of unusual items to reach orgasm.

As that young women, I was one of many women whom ejaculate or “squirt” when reaching orgasm. (Statistically, it’s believed that 1054% of women ejaculate) No one ever talked about this in those days and so I think that he and I assumed that it was urine or that he had ejaculated a larger load. I never thought to ask my gynecologist about it and because it only seemed to happen with the “abuser,” I didn’t really think much about it, that is, until the recent past.

I met a man who is very special and unique and whom I feel safe with. It has been 9 years since my divorce and I have been almost totally celibate by choice and lack of straight men who could deal with the likes of me. But, this particular man is different and is as open and honest as I am. The level of trust that I feel from him ended up translating into my body, allowing me to relax and thoroughly enjoy myself sexually.

Evidently I was more relaxed than I have been in 40 years! I knew I was having a wonderful time, but truly had no idea that up until that time I had been psychologically suppressing my Skene glands, which are thought to be female prostate glands which release the ejaculate. According to scientists, the fluid that is squirted is not urine in smell or taste and upon examination of the fluid, one can find prostate-specific antigen, or PSA! Who knew? Maybe I really am a gay man in a women’s body!LOL!

So when this fluid flowed from me in copious amounts and the realization hit, I was beyond words because I did not know what I has been missing. I literally had flashbacks of my early experiences with the abuser, remembering the large, wet spots left on the sheets after sexual intercourse. The beautiful part is that I was also able to share that with my man and he got it and chose to hold me while I told him

the significance of what had just happened.

Through lots of therapy and finally now, trust, a part of me has opened up. Maybe now I am releasing many years worth of fluid that may account for the profound physical symptoms I have experienced beginning in peri-menopause and finally, menopause since the early 2000’s. Perhaps my hot flashes will finally minimize, allowing me to once again deal normally with the heat of both Palm Springs and World Gym!

I wonder how many other victims of rape or sexual abuse have experienced similar physical losses without appreciating the depth of the abuse. I pray that now that this part of me is once again opening up and that I will be free to experience sex and intimacy on much deeper levels.

I hope this recall and telling of such an intimate experience will allow some of you to learn and grow from, for of course that is always my wish and intention.

My very best to you all,

Jill