comment | satire
Sticking to the Story I by andy borowitz
n a somber ceremony attended by former members of the Bush administration, former Vice President Dick Cheney marked the 10th anniversary of making up a reason to invade Iraq. The ceremony, held on the grounds of the Halliburton Company headquarters, brought together former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, former Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz, and other key members of the lying effort. Calling the officials “profiles in fabrication,” Cheney praised them for their decade of dedication to a totally fictitious rationale. “Making up a reason to invade a country is the easy part,” Cheney told them. “Sticking to a pretend story for 10 years — that is the stuff of valor.” Cheney added that their “steadfast charade had raised the
bar for all future administrations.” “When it is time to invade Iran or Venezuela, will the President have the will to make up an entirely fake reason to do it?” he asked. “That remains to be seen.” The ceremony ended on an emotional note, as Cheney placed a wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown WMD. Elsewhere, the decision of Sen. Rob Portman (R-Ohio) to support same-sex marriage after learning that his son was gay has inspired hundreds of other Republican lawmakers to stop speaking to their children immediately, GOP leaders confirmed this week. n For more fake news from Andy Borowitz, visit borowitzreport.com.
comment | the budget
Forgetting Something by jim hightower
A
pparently, Rep. Paul Ryan missed the outcome of last November’s presidential election. Oh, wait — wasn’t he on the ballot in that election as Mitt Romney’s running mate? Well, yes, but less than five months later, Ryan seems to have forgotten that he and the Mittster were soundly rejected. Maybe the trauma of losing — including losing his own hometown of Janesville, Wisconsin — has his memory slipping. Whatever the cause, it’s embarrassing to see him now trotting out the very same Republican budget proposal that he wrote last year and put at the center of the Romney-Ryan national campaign — the same nauseating budget extremism that induced the great majority of Americans to upchuck. Ryan recently headlined a Washington media event for the rerelease of this bucket of right-wing hash. It includes turning Medicare into a “WeDon’tCare” privatized voucher scheme that would deliver seniors into the tender clutches of giant insurance corporations, forcing the elderly to pay more for less.
Also, in order to save the superrich from even the slightest tax increase, Ryan again serves up a mess of cuts to food stamps, Medicaid and other vital programs for the poor, while simultaneously jacking up the tax burden on both the poor and the middle class. Then, to make his package even more odious to the general public, he cluelessly reissues the far right’s cry to repeal Obamacare. Hello, Paul — reality calling: Obama thoroughly thumped you and Mitt on this issue last year. Remember? And since the election, Obamacare has grown in popularity, with several Republican governors now seeing the political light and embracing Obama’s signature health care reform. It’s time for family and friends to circle around Paul for a sanity intervention, trying to pull him out of the rabbit hole he’s stuck in. n For more from America’s populist, check out jimhightower.com.
MARCH 21, 2013 INLANDER 11