Cultivating Something New:

I love her, and that's the beginning and the end of everything.

Wri en by Maria Padilla

For something that is so lauded, self love is not so easily obtained. If anything, it is one di cult, icky journey. I should know, because I’ve lived it. In my experience, body image issues, massive self doubt, and lack of a good founda on—in my case, the unyielding and unrelen ng support of iends and family—doesn’t really provide a stable foothold for developing self love.

So, for years, coming to terms with myself was a s uggle. And it aggravated me: I even bought one of those self love rings, the ones you wear on your pinky nger, but that fell through.

As it turned out, though, I didn’t really need to waste money on that self love pinky ring, because I was taught a valuable lesson in 2020—also widely known as e Great Pandemic Dumpster Fire Year of 2020. at year, I learnt that there are going to be people in your life as well as environment who will not be there for you when you uly need them, and that they would rather take your energy than extend any of their own.

It was the harshest lesson I have ever had to learn: it was as if I was uly waking for the rst me and seeing things for what they were. I’m not going to lie and say it didn’t hurt, because it really did. But on the silver lining end of the s ck, though, if I hadn’t, and if it weren’t for such people, I would not have learnt to stand on my own two feet and start nourishing my own well-being. e self work uly began then—I started thinking about myself as a person, grew more in ospec ve, and tackled the shadow work day by day. I began looking within and cri quing myself, the ques on of “what do I need to improve on?” reverbera ng in my head. It became a process that stuck with me, one that has evolved and grown over me.

A er months of focusing on myself, I saw that self love, shockingly enough, was something I could accomplish a er all. Loving my physical self was the rst thing—then it was me to go inward and work on healing myself om the inside. Self love is not a s aight shot process as people think it is: it is more of a slow, step-by-step one, where you have to focus on one thing before moving on to the other. at was a huge reason why I messed up before when it came to actually doing it: I only saw the macro, not the micro picture. Once I began loving myself in the physical sense, it was easier to begin loving myself om the inside out. It was all small-scale baby steps.

Now that 2022 is over, I have to say I’m in a far be er place than I was in two years ago. I feel like things have realigned: I’m not nding so much fault with my body (when I do, I tackle those thoughts right away), I meditate and a rm almost daily, and I’ve rebuilt a far more sturdy founda on om the damaged agments of the one that refused to come together before. It’s funny—not laugh out loud funny, but ironic funny—how surrounding yourself with people who build you up, ge ng more in touch with spirituali (not man-made religion such as Chris ani , I must s ess) as well as your inner child healing sub process, taking care of yourself, and just changing your mindset can all help you create a bigger and be er founda on when it comes to the humble journey of self love.

To all the people who taught me to stand on my own two feet, I deeply appreciate it. Without you, I would not have even started focusing on myself, let alone realized that it was a necessi for me to do so. To the people who have helped me to grow in my energy, I will always be indebted to you. It is always said that people come into your life for a reason, and in my case I was fortunate that others who were on the same path came into mine. To the people I unwi ngly pushed away because I was in a dark place: I would like to name actual names here but I don’t think that it is necessary. You know who you are. I extend a great deal of thanks for signaling that it was me for me to start pu ng the inner work in. Even now, I am sorry that I pushed you away because I was rela vely unevolved as a person, and deeply regre ul that my codependency messed things up. But if you hadn’t pushed me away, I would not have learnt how to oat properly.

Without any of those people, I would not be where I am now, for all of them taught me how to love properly.

ere is no turning back now, and the only way to go is up and forward. Even if it’s a massively fucked up day or week or even month, there is no going down and backward. Only up and forward.

So, in closing—

I am—

Single on purpose

And—

Cul va ng something new: I love her, and that’s the beginning and the end of everything 