Our Gift

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.” Psalm 127:3

Scott was my first son, born in Milwaukee, Wisconsin in 1972. He was a wise and gentle soul, a peaceful spirit. The mother of one of my friends said Scott had been here before. At times I believed she was correct. From a baby until his last days, he could look at you like he could see you to your core. Sometimes it was unsettling and when I saw him looking at me like that, I had to break eye contact with him.

In fact, the evening he was born, he wasn’t saying anything, and he took his time arriving. It was quite a painful experience. I thought he would never come out. He wasn’t crying so they wacked him on his bottom and he let them know, very loudly, that they had disturbed his peace. He gave out a “why are you disturbing me

“look and yell. That was Scott’s official debut. All they could say is, “He’s beautiful”. That was the beginning of a wonderful journey.

John 16:21 “A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born, she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world.”

The nurse asked if this was my first baby. I told her yes. I was so nervous! My doctor, who called me “little mother “said we were fine, released us a few days later. I could have stayed longer. They fed me lobster and steak the first night I was there. They told me to make sure my husband could come so he could eat too. That was a great hospital!

Well, we finally got home, and we put him in his crib. He looked so peaceful. I wondered if he was communing with God and the angels. He slept so long I went and shook him to make sure he was ok. We took turns checking to see if he was breathing. He finally woke up, loud and clear with a scowl on his face. He might have been gentle, but he was very aggressive with that bottle. I’m rather glad I didn’t’ nurse him.

You see Scott came a little earlier than we expected. In fact, I was out doing errands on the base and my back was hurting. Finally, I quit and went home. I laid down and was so uncomfortable that I told my husband, Wendell, something is wrong. He took me to the hospital, my doctor examined me and said, “you are dilating as we speak.” We thought we had at least two more weeks to shop. Nope, he was coming that day! We brought cloth diapers, not realizing that BABIES PEE MORE THAN 2-3 TIMES A DAY! We were in a panic! We’d soon run out of cloth diapers. LOL. Finally, my husband, Wendell, found a store and came back with a ton of disposable diapers. Lesson learned. The cloth diapers didn’t go to waste. I hand stitched them into little gowns for Scott.

My Scott was a good baby. He did all the baby stuff like blowing bubbles, he gave us plenty of toothless grins. When he got his first tooth, we were ecstatic! He was too, he liked to bite. We were goofy in love with this little blessing from above. Our second son was born a couple years later, and Scott liked to help. One day he wanted to help change the baby’s diaper and I said OK. When I unfastened the diaper, Scott looked, sniffed and said, “Mommy he smells like a bull!”. He never asked to assist again. Priceless. Finally, he started school. He was a good student. I didn’t have any problems with him until high school when he got interested in girls. Wendell was in the military, so I was both mom and dad. I had a long talk with him. When I wrote my husband a letter, I expressed my concern. He wrote Scott a letter and things got a lot better. Him and his brother developed a love of music. They took music classes in school. Violin, Viola, Cello and Bass.

Then they discovered the guitar and the bass guitar. Them and some of their friends formed a band. I let them practice at the house. They did become accomplished musicians. Scott played several instruments including the drums. Long story short, they were really good and even recorded a couple of CDs and played at a lot of places. They had a huge following. My mom was in a wheelchair at the time, but she wanted to go see her grandsons sing and play. Those were fun times. Back then their music was described as “so chunky you could eat it with a fork”. Finally, they formed a band called Limbic. It was their best band and music. Their CD is on You Tube.

After Scott graduated from high school at age 18. He started going to college.

Within a year he told us he was not “Joe College” and not to waste our money sending him there. A few weeks later a friend told him the railroad was hiring. He took the test and was hired. He worked his way up until he was a supervisor in several areas. He made rank and up until the day he passed, was still a part of the railroad. So many people loved him especially as their supervisor. He’d give the shirt off his back. He got that from his dad. He was well respected by all who came in touch with him. He loved kayaking and fishing and belonged to several clubs until he was unable to go out anymore. When they found out he had passed they were both shocked and surprised because it happened so fast.

During the time he was with the railroad, quite a few years later, he started having some problems breathing. He at first thought it was allergies. The doctor told him that the air in some areas of Virginia is like Swamp air and was most likely his problem. He got some medication and was ok for a while. Then it resurfaced and got progressively worse. So much so that he became easily winded and needed his inhaler more and more. He started having to take time off work because of this problem. Finally, he went back to the doctor, and they did further testing. They found that he had Sarcoidosis. It’s an autoimmune disease. Researchers say they still don’t know where it comes from and can affect any part of the body. Thus began the journey of fighting this intruder that wanted to take over Scott’s lungs. He applied for a position with the railroad in Cincinnati Ohio. He was given the position there where the air quality was much better. His health improved tremendously. In the interim, he met his future wife there. The love of his life, Ivy. They were so much in love. It’s the happiest I’d seen Scott. She was going to nursing school at the time. His Sarcoidosis went into remission and he was doing fine. All of us were so happy. We went and visited them and had fun. He gained a stepson, daughter in law and 2 granddaughters. They loved their Pop-Pop and he loved them too.

For several years everything was going well until the Sarcoidosis reared its ugly head again. He had to take a leave of absence from his job. Then they moved to Tennessee for better quality of air. They moved up in the mountains. It was beautiful, and the air was wonderful. It was so nice, that Wendell and I moved to Tennessee with them. They had formed a cabin cleaning business and business was booming. Winters were brutal. If we had a hard snow fall, you couldn’t drive DOWN the mountain unless you had chains on your tires.

Dealing With Death Of Family Members

I have been a care giver for many of my family members.

My Father- We moved him from Baltimore, MD to Norfolk, VA so we could take care of him. He had diabetes and had lost his sight. He was a very humble man of God. He aspirated some food into his lungs and eventually went into a coma. I went to see him and told my husband; my daddy is not in that body. He is already with the Lord. He transitioned soon after that.

My Mother-Next, I brought my mom to Virginia from Baltimore. My stepfather had transitioned, and she was not doing well. She ended up with Parkinson Disease, plus had both legs amputated because she had vascular disease due to smoking. She had developed a sore on her bottom and the doctor recommended she go into a home so they could better take care of it and then she could come back home. She was doing well. But seemed to have lost her will to live after her husband died. My husband and I had to go out of town and I told mom we would be gone for two days. We got back and the next day I was going to see her. I got a call at 5 am that morning telling me she had just transitioned. WHY????? They said it was cardiac arrest

My Brother- In the interim I got my brother and my niece to live with us. He had diabetes, vascular disease and was also losing his eyesight. He had a below the knee amputation and no toes on the other foot. Eventually, the diabetes started affecting other parts of his body. He had to have another surgery and before he went in, he asked that if anything happened to him would I take care of his daughter, my niece. I told him you’ll be fine, BUT of course I would take care of her. He went into surgery and never woke up. I kept my promise.

My Husband- My

husband transitioned in 2016. He had a couple of strokes. We moved permanently to Arizona because my son Tristan is a physician and knew people that could help my husband. He started going to church with me and my niece. He loved the church. He loved God. He loved the Pastor. Everybody loved Wendell. He was a humble and loving soul. He taught math for a while after he got out of the Navy. His students loved him. As well as his peers. His name’s sake took after him. He was kind and loving and would give you the shirt off his back. But also, could get a bit nasty if rubbed the wrong way. We went to church on a Sunday. We had a good time. The Pastor had preached his heart out. Wendell was an amen corner all by himself! After we got home, we rested and then he told me what he wanted for dinner. I fixed his dinner he watched TV for a while then said he was going to lay down. I told him don’t you lay on my towels because I need to fold them. We laughed. I went and cleaned the kitchen, folded the towels and then sat with my niece for a while. Finally, I said good night and went to bed. As I leaned over to kiss him good night, he looked different. He looked like a little boy sleeping peacefully. Then I realized he wasn’t breathing. I yelled at my niece to call 911! We did everything they told us to do to wake him up. His eyes opened but they were dilated. He was gone. He had slept away. My heart, my love of 45 years had slept away. My son rushed over and was in the room with the paramedics. They worked on him for a while. When they came out, I asked if they got him back. They told me no. I was devastated! My son said he had never seen me like that before. I told him I had never lost the love of my life of 45 years before.

I thank God for my Pastor who immediately came to the house and held me like a baby as I cried my heart out. That was April 17, 2016, 3 days before his birthday at 65 years old.

Well, I’ve told you all of this. It is my story. I’ve had to deal with a lot of death. Close family deaths. But the most devastating was my son, Scott.

Loosing Scott

Scott and his wife came for the memorial service. But I noticed he was not well. Somehow, they ended up moving back to Virginia so he could get a desk job with the railroad. By this time, he was on lots and lots of medications. I went home to visit them for a while to help. I let my home church know about his health. We prayed and prayed and prayed. People all over the country were praying for Scott. He could barely go up and down the stairs at his home.

The doctors did more testing and found the Sarcoidosis had now started affecting his eyes and was also affecting his heart. They did surgery and put a stent in to help his blood flow. Then they put a type of pacemaker in his chest so that they could remotely keep track of what was going on with his heart. If his heart were to stop, it would shock it back into the desired rhythm. If anything was detected they would automatically send paramedics.

One day when he was home, he was getting dressed and felt like he was going to pass out. He called Ivy and when she got there his eyes were rolling back in his head and his arms were flopping, she slapped him, and he woke up. He had no idea that it had happened. Meanwhile the monitor had picked up the activity and the paramedics had arrived. By that time, he was up and walking and told them he didn’t need to go. But that was not the right answer, and he went. He called and told me he was in the hospital. He then told me what had happened. As the disease progressed, he was afraid to drive. I flew home for a while to assist with doctors’ appointments. He was using oxygen and needed to use a wheelchair if he had appointments. Finally, his cardiologist recommended a renowned hospital in Alexandria, VA that had a great reputation for taking care of people with the condition that Scott had.

I couldn’t fly back for that appointment. It was recommended he have a heart and lung transplant at the same time.

I had never prayed so much in my entire life. I was hurting. I was in denial that my Scott was dying. They told us he could live another 5 years or maybe not. He could die during the surgery. A hard pill to swallow. Scott, knowing the odds, had a decision to make. I should say him and Ivy had a decision to make. I could only imagine what he was feeling. As his mother, I wanted to take his place. I had even offered to donate one of my lungs.

“No God! Please! Don’t take him from me! I KNOW you are a miracle working God. I KNOW you are. Please fix his heart and lungs so they function as they should. Please!” I pleaded with God so much.

I was preparing to put my stuff in storage so that I could go to live with Scott and Ivy. My phone rang pretty early, and I picked it up, all I heard was, “Mom!!! Scott’s going to die!!!” It caught me so off guard that all I could do was hang up the phone and just walk in a circle in my room saying, “No! No! No!”

It didn’t make sense to me. I finally got myself together and called my son Tristan and told him what Ivy had said. He said a few cuss words and then told me to pack a bag, I needed to get a flight out right away. I left at 1pm and arrived at the hospital at Midnight. I thought that when I walked into the room, he would be conscience. Not so. He was on a respirator and his eyes were wide open and his pupils were wide open as well. The nurses were in the room changing his IV bags and they had been expecting me. I saw they were busy with him, so I just told him I’m here. I love you. You are my first Love (meaning my first child) (Jesus is my first love). I just want you to know I’m here. I will come see you in the morning. I had just talked to him the night before; he knew I was coming to live with them. But he developed a lot of fluid, and his doctor told him to go to the hospital so they could remove the fluid. He told me they were going to keep him for a few days, and he wanted to go home. But he talked to his wife afterwards and told her he had to go to the bathroom. He never called her back. He evidently passed out in the bathroom. They worked on him, and his heart stopped twice. We went to see him the next morning. I was hopeful that something for the better had happened. We stayed most of the day. Then the doctor came in and talked to us. He said Scott could wake up, but they don’t know what kind of shape he would be in. He could be in a vegetative state. He may not know anyone. He could be in a state of not being able to know when he had to go to the bathroom. He said we could wait another 24 hours and see what happens. But he really thought we should put him in Comfort Care (hospice). He had already talked to my other son. He called and said mom we have some decisions to make. As we were preparing to leave, a chaplain came in and prayed with us and for Scott. We left. On the way out I told Ivy that I felt somehow God is going to help us make the decision when it’s time. We got home and hadn’t even taken our coats off and my phone rang. It was my son. He said the hospital had been trying to call Ivy. Her phone was off. Then he said, “My brother just died!”

I felt like I had ice water run through my veins. Ivy and I got in the car and went back to the hospital. When I walked in the room, they had removed all the tubes, etc. He looked so at peace. In fact, he looked like he was about to crack a joke or something. I had a moment of uncontrollable sobbing but then I was ok. A chaplain came in and prayed. I kissed him and rubbed his face. He was still warm. Talked to him and one of his feet was slightly uncovered. I caressed it and told him I remember the first time I saw this little foot I kissed it. Just like with his dad, I didn’t look at him as being dead. I didn’t feel anything weird. I just knew that God had made the decision for us. Because He knew in our finite minds, we wanted Scott to live, but God looked at his child and said, “No, he’s coming home with me. I will not allow him to suffer any more. He will have eternal life. He will be healed.”

I lost our oldest November 3, 2022, 6 months after his 50th birthday.

When we went back home, we talked a little bit and then I went to bed and slept through the night. I didn’t find out until later that on the way-out earlier, Ivy had signed a DNR order. She knew it was the right thing to do. As much as she loved him, she knew we had to let him go. She is a hospice nurse. She understood.

He was cremated and his ashes were shipped back here to Arizona to my son. They are in his possession and when the time is right, he will release them into a beautiful body of water like he did his dad in California. Scott loved fishing and kayaking. It’s where he would want his ashes. His spirit is with the Lord.

When my Scott died, I felt a certain peace and kissed him and talked to him. Even stroked his face and his feet. Was this the plan God had for me? The more I didn’t accept death, the more he gave me and they were all family. He went so far as to see if the death of my son would change my view of death. YES, IT DID!!! God knew it would. He is wise and all knowing. He knew what the beginning and the end would be.

Psalm 139 lays it out for each one of us. Read it and meditate on it. It is so beautiful. Oh, how much God loves us. He took his time with each SOUL. We are so very special to him: Psalm 139:13-16 “You made all the delicate inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous-how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Everyday of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.”

All the time I avoided the dead. Funerals, etc. I did not understand it! Such stillness, such finality. Death! No matter how I looked at it in the bible or what people said about going to heaven, I did not want anything to do with it. That is, until Scott died. Now I know. Now I know I want to SEE him again. I never thought of ever seeing anybody in heaven until MY SCOTT DIED.

It’s been 8 months since my Scott transitioned. I’ve screamed and screamed. There were a few days that I didn’t want to get out of bed. There were some days I didn’t want to eat or talk to anybody. Oh yes, it can get like that. I was angry, puzzled, but I’ve learned it’s part of the grieving process.

I asked God why, He said, “It hurts my child, but it was necessary so that you would understand who I am. As much as I love you and loved your family, I needed you to understand that death is a part of life. My word says it is appointed for all men to die. I never said how old, when or from what. But it is certain that all will die. They will spend eternity with me.” Ecclesiastes 3:1-2 1. For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven; a time to be born, and a time to die; 2. a time to plant and a time to pluck up what is planted.

Yes, God’s grace. He has given me the opportunity to minister to those who have lost loved ones. He has given me the opportunity to come out of my selfish self and look death in the eye. It is a transition into where, how, what God wants it to be. He tells us How, What, and When.

Oh YES! I had to tell you the whole story so that you could understand how God works on us to understand what we need to understand.

Yes, I will always hurt from the loss of my loved ones, but the hurt of losing My Scott. God had to put the hammer down. It took all of this so that I could move in my life as God wants me to. Never take any life for granted because God formed us all in secret and only, He knows what the end will be.

Now when I pray, I thank God for the lessons learned and I feel closer to Him for helping me to understand only He can give or take life. Now I understand.

Father, I thank you for the child you planted in my womb in darkness, in seclusion. You knew his beginning and his end. Thank you that you picked MY womb as the fertile soil to plant his little soul. It was a privilege and honor to be his mother and I thank you for every precious moment I was able to spend with him, even as he was about to transition. I can never repay you Father for such an honor and privilege. I will be forever grateful. I also understand that he served his purpose here on earth. His work was done.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Now I get excited when I visualize how when Scott got to the Pearly Gates, he was welcomed by his dad and so many other family members. He has seen Jesus and is at the throne of GRACE praising God. No more pain. He has a new body. A complete and perfect body. He is healed truly in the name of Jesus.

To this I say, “Amen. Amen. Amen”.

How have I made it through? God’s Grace!!! Let me tell you about my God. It’s the only reason I have made it. People still ask me how I walk with such grace. I tell them I have been humbled by God’s mercy and grace. It is the ONLY way I can walk.

My advice is that even though you may have family around, get grief counseling as soon as possible. Grief counseling helped me so much. If I hadn't taken my son's advice to get counseling, there's no telling what my mental status would be.

When I went, the people there were so welcoming. I felt comfortable. They shared their stories with me. Some of the stories were far worse than mine.

I started going in 2016 right after my husband passed away. I still belong to the group. Now, I am helping others because of my experience, I want to do all I can to let others know they are not alone. Mainly, walking and trusting in Christ Jesus has really been my guidance. I also went through Grief Share at my church. So, having both has really been a plus. This year, I am co-facilitator for our

Grief Share sessions at our church. The sessions are offered on Zoom. There is no age limit. All of us have suffered a loss. We have widows in their 20's. We have widows and widowers that are much older. The beautiful thing is that we stay in touch with each other. We share resources as well. Estate issues, tax issues, and handyman references, just to name a few. Many travel. One group I belong to goes to lunch after each session and has dinner together once a month. It is a process. Don't hurry to get through it. Take your time. Reach out to others. No one can tell you what you're feeling. As I'm typing this, I have tears running down my cheeks. Tears of sadness AND joy. Sadness because I miss my family. I miss my husband and son the most. Joyous because I know they are both present with the Lord. No pain. Renewed. I believe I will see them again. I think of them most of all as happy. I await to see their welcoming arms one day. I look forward to seeing Jesus and praising him. Right now, I'm helping everyone I can. It is a ministry for me. God is pleased.

I trust Him because He ministers to me. Be open my friends to the voice of God. Let Him lead you.

Minister Donzella Berry

If you have questions/comments for Donzella or would like to know more about the grief share counseling. Contact her at: mysarahmagazine@gamil.com